#steve has now been attacked by bi panic

[your-stranger-halfblood-things]

Steve: Go fuck yourself

Eddie, winking: Fine but only if you watch

Steve *flood of bi panic*

[artiststarme]

Bye Bi Steve

Thank you @nburkhardt and @doubleb11 for the ideas on this fic! I hope you guys like it and please leave your thoughts in the comments!

Now with a Part 2!

~*~*~*~

All throughout his life, Steve has denied his interest in guys. He discredited his feelings for Tommy H. as friendship and placed his attraction to Billy as jealousy. He liked girls, had loved Nancy, so he couldn’t be interested in guys. Steve kept telling himself that all throughout high school, all throughout 1985, up until a random day in the summer of 1986. 

It had been a shift just like any other, covering for Robin while she mooned over Vickie at the community pool. Steve was organizing tapes in the romance section in a way he knew would infuriate her when she came back when he heard the bell chime. “Welcome to Family Video, how can I-”

He stopped mid sentence when he saw it was Eddie. His hair was pulled back in a bun showing off the contours in his neck as well as a couple of piercings in his ears. His skimpy black T-shirt that showed off his scars and tattoos in equal measure did nothing to mute Steve’s attraction. 

“Hey Big Boy, when do you get off? It’s hot as shit out today and I refuse to go to the community pool with all of the religious zealots and their mothers. Fancy sharing your pool with the rest of us peasants, my liege?” Eddie blinked up at him through his eyelashes. 

Fuck, shit, fuck! This was not what Steve needed today! 

Fortunately, his outward composure remained calm despite his internal crisis. “I work until 10 tonight,” Eddie groaned but Steve plowed through the interruption. “BUT, I can give you my house key so you can swim. You can bring the kids over and use the pool as long as you watch them, alright?”

Eddie nearly hopped up and down in excitement, “thanks Stevie! I knew I could count on you! I love you!”

He went to run out of the store but Steve called him back, “Eddie! I didn’t give you the key. Here, try not to make a mess please?”

“No promises, Stevie. Thank you!” Then, he pranced through the door and was gone with a squeal of the van’s brakes. 

Very calmly, Steve walked to the door and flipped the open sign to closed. Then he turned the lights off and made his way to the dingy floor of the bathroom. It was there that he spent the next thirty minutes on the verge of consciousness, having a panic attack so brutal that he thought it might kill him. His entire life, he thought he only liked girls but just a moment of seeing Eddie looking so hot so effortlessly was enough to unravel everything he thought he knew about himself. 

Once he wrapped his head around being attracted to Eddie (he’d seen monsters with faces that opened up like a flower filled with teeth, there were stranger things than finding a hot guy hot), he realized that he needed help. He couldn’t go to Eddie for obvious reasons and Robin was too busy to help him with his crisis. So he did the only thing he could think of… he called Nancy Wheeler. 

Using the store phone at Family Video while hiding behind the counter was a low point for him but so was calling his ex-girlfriend to tell her that he might like guys. He waited for her to pick up the phone for what seemed like forever but was only a few seconds. 

“Hello, Wheeler residence. This is Nancy.”

“Nance, it’s Steve. Can you come to the video store to talk? I’m kind of having a crisis and I need to talk to someone. Robin and Eddie are busy and I really need to talk to you because I think I might actually be going insane,” he rambled. 

“Steve? Calm down, what’s going on? Aren’t you working right now?” Her voice filled with concern as she questioned him. 

“Obviously not well! I had a crisis so I shut the door, it’s fine. Can you please come? Please, Nancy?” Steve was begging her but he hoped she wouldn’t hold it against him. 

He heard her sigh and then, “fine, I’ll be there in five minutes. Just- hold on, okay? I’m sure everything will be fine.”

And so, he waited for five minutes in a sense of fake calmness. His hands were still shaking with leftover anxiety and sweat was dripping down his forehead from the stress but he was fine. He certainly didn’t jump a foot into the air when he heard a gentle knock on the door. When he peeked over the counter to see a confused and worried Nancy though, he calmed a little bit. 

He unlocked the door and opened it just enough to pull her inside before slamming it closed and locking it again. “Steve, are you okay? You don’t look very good.”

He started pacing back and forth in front of her. “Okay so, I have something really important to tell you and it’s kind of a secret? Like if you tell the wrong person, it could get me killed. But I have to tell someone because I’m pretty sure I’m losing my mind.”

She put her hands on his shoulders and looked him in the eyes. “Steve, just tell me.”

“I think I like guys. Eddie specifically, I think I like Eddie.” They both stared at each other in silence. Nancy’s face was blank as she thought over his words and Steve’s heart only seemed to race faster at her nonchalance. 

“Okay, is that it?” She asked him. 

“What do you mean, ‘is that it’? I’ve been freaking out all day!”

“Steve, it’s okay that you like Eddie. Thank you for telling me and I’m glad you felt that you could trust me with this information. Why are you freaking out about that?” She reassured him. 

“I like girls, Nancy! I can’t like Eddie!”

“Why not?” She asked with her eyebrow raised. “No one can tell you how you feel besides you, Steve. If you like Eddie, then you like Eddie. There’s nothing stopping you from liking girls and boys.” 

“Nance, you have to be either gay or straight. There’s no in-between.” He said in frustration. 

“Yes there is. I read an article about bisexuality, it’s when you’re sexually attracted to both girls AND guys. So if you like Eddie and still like girls, it sounds like you’re bisexual,” she explained to him. 

Steve’s eyes widened but his voice was small when he whispered, “and that’s okay? It’s okay that I’m bisexual?”

Nancy gave him a soft smile, “of course, Steve. It’s perfectly fine to be bisexual. And I’m pretty sure that Eddie has a thing for you too.”

Steve grinned at her words and pulled her into a hug that she returned gently. “Thanks Nance, I needed that.”

“Of course. Things may be awkward between us but we’re still friends, Steve. And I meant it, I’m glad you felt safe enough to tell me.” 

They talked for a few more moments and by the time she left, he felt a lot lighter. He was bisexual and that was okay. 

~*~*~*~

It took a few more weeks of coming to terms with his sexuality before he could tell Robin and Eddie. Both of them had come out to him so he felt safe in the fact that they would support him whole-heartedly. Even then, it came out accidentally while watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show at their weekly movie night at the Harrington house. 

“He’s hot, I’m digging the fishnets,” Steve said while throwing some popcorn in his mouth.

Both Eddie and Robin snapped their necks to look at him. Eddie looked a little hopeful while Robin looked offended. “Steve, you can’t just say that. Are you seriously making fun of our favorite movie?”

Eddie’s hopeful expression turned mutinous at her words and he scowled. “That’s not cool, man. We’re trying to share one of the most important movies in queer culture and you’re mocking him because he’s wearing fishnets? What, does that infringe on your fragile masculinity so much?”

Steve hurried to backtrack and set the bowl of popcorn down on his coffee table away from his flailing arms. “What, no! I seriously just think that Tim Curry in fishnets looks hot, I’m not making fun of anything!”

“You’re not gay, Steve,” Robin told him confusedly. 

“I’m half gay! It’s called bisexual, it’s when you like guys and girls. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you guys about it, I was still wrapping my head around it…”

“What, you’re serious? Steve, that’s not a thing. Bisexual is what people say they are when they’re so much of a slut they’ll go for anything.” Eddie said, shaking his head. 

Steve looked to Robin, hoping to get some reassurance but only received a scathing look in response. “Being bisexual isn’t a thing, Steve. It’s just what people call it when they pretend and try to hurt the people that are actually gay. I can’t believe you would do that.”

“I wouldn’t! I’m serious, I like both guys and girls. I’m not trying to hurt you guys or be a manwhore. I really am attracted to both. I thought you guys would be more understanding,” Steve’s voice trailed off at the end in hurt. He never even fathomed the idea that they wouldn’t accept him. Their support had been guaranteed in his mind so now that he didn’t have it, he didn’t know what to do. 

Eddie scoffed, “Steve, you’re just confused. You have to be either gay or straight, there’s no inbetween. And you’re the biggest ladies-man I know. You like girls.”

Steve sighed. He felt like his best friends were attacking him for no reason. He finally found his people, felt safe and loved by them, and then ruined everything by being honest. He couldn’t believe that the people he loved and trusted the most were rejecting him. 

“I just told you that I like both. Yeah, I do like girls. I love them, I think they’re great. But I also like guys. I don’t know why you guys aren’t accepting that, especially after I accepted both of you but I think you should leave.”

“Steve-” Robin tried to speak but he cut her off. 

“If you guys can’t accept me for being bi, I think you should leave,” he said sternly. To his complete and utter heartbreak, they each picked up their things and walked to the door without another word. 

Robin turned around just enough to tell him, “Steve, you’re just confused. You’ll get over it eventually and when you do, give me a call.”

And with that, she closed the door behind her. 

Steve didn’t even try to stifle the sobs as the ‘Sweet Transvestite’ song played in the background. He rewound the tape on autopilot, tears streaming down his cheeks all the while. He’d just lost two of his best friends, two people that he’d gone through everything with, just because he was a little too different. 

With tears still streaking down his face and sobs wracking his frame, he made his way to the phone perched on the wall. He dialed the Wheeler’s number in a haze and only came back to himself when he heard Nancy’s voice filter through.

“Hello, Wheeler residence. This is Nancy.”

“Nance,” he said, barely decipherable through his tears. “I told Eddie and Robin that I was bisexual and they told me that it wasn’t a thing! They left and I don’t think we’re friends anymore! After everything we went through, they left because I like guys and girls. What is wrong with me, Nancy?”

“Are you serious? They left just like that? Steve, listen to me. Nothing is wrong with you and you are valid in your feelings. Honestly, if they can’t accept you then they don’t deserve you,” She told him seriously. 

“Nance, I don’t care if they deserve me or not. They’re all I have. The kids come and go, my parents hate me, and Hopper checks in sometimes but I can tell he has better things to do. Robin and Eddie are the only friends that I have consistently. And you I guess. But if I lose them, I lose everything.” Another sob tore from his throat and even Nancy started to tear up on her end of the call. 

“Steve, no matter what, you have me. I know that’s not good enough but I’ll always be here for you. I’m going to go talk to them and fix this. Just relax and maybe call Hopper or one of the kids to come over to check on you, okay? I’ll handle this,” she reassured him. 

“Okay, thanks Nance.”

“Of course, what are friends for?” And then the line went dead. 

~*~*~*~

Nancy was livid. She couldn’t believe that two members of the Party, two of Steve’s best friends that had been through the same shit as the rest of them, would be so intolerant over who someone else was attracted to. Seeing a giant flesh monster made out of melted humans and a vindictive man that could kill teenagers in their own minds were fine but Steve liking guys and girls was too much? Ridiculous.

As soon as she hung up the phone with Steve, she grabbed her car keys, a cardigan, and her gun then made her way to the Buckley house. Eddie’s van wasn’t parked in front of it so she made her way to the Munson trailer next. Both Robin and Eddie were sitting on the stoop of the trailer and only barely glanced up when she pulled in front of them.

“Um, hey Nance. Can we help you?” Eddie asked her disinterestedly. Although, he became much more interested, and afraid, when she pulled her pistol from her car. 

“Get in the trailer.”

“Okay, we’re going. What’s with the gun?” He stammered. Both he and Robin bolted inside the trailer and Nancy quickly followed. 

“Nancy, please. We didn’t do anything! Are you being controlled by Vecna or something because you’re pointing a gun at us and we don’t know why. You’re our friend! You don’t want to kill us! Is your favorite song still Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper? I don’t know all the words but between Eddie and I, we can probably bring you out of it. Just don’t shoot us!”

“It’s not so nice to be betrayed by your friends, now is it?” She lowered the gun enough for them to relax before she continued her crusade. “Steve called me in tears today because his best friends, the people he trusted to accept him, rejected him and tried to call him confused when he said he was bisexual. Do you even know how much that hurt him? He called me three weeks ago having a crisis because he realized he liked a guy and didn’t know he could. After I explained it several times and assured him that it was okay, I told him that you guys would accept him. Not only did you guys trample all over his feelings, you’re also making me look like a liar. And I am not a liar.”

“Nancy-”

“No, Eddie! When you and Robin came out to the Party, we accepted you. You were nervous and scared to tell us but we all accepted you because someone’s sexuality doesn’t change who they are as a person. Steve was just as nervous to tell you that he was bisexual and you ridiculed him. What if we had done that to you when you told us? Eddie, what if Dustin had laughed in your face and told you that you had to be confused? Robin, what if Max had yelled at you and said that lesbians didn’t even exist? Whatever you imagine that would’ve felt like, Steve is feeling it right now.”

Tears were dripping down Robin’s face and Eddie had paled several shades. Both of them were at a loss of what to do and neither one could find any words to say. 

In turn, Nancy dealt the final blow. “The worst part is that the reason he figured out he was bi was Eddie. You were his bisexual awakening and then you ridiculed him for it. He feels awful now and I don’t know if he’ll forgive you guys for this.”

Eddie’s face paled even further and Robin brought a hand up to her lips in shock. Nancy just shook her head, tucked her gun into her waistband, and walked back to her car. She’d done what she came to do and now she had an ex-boyfriend to comfort.

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[boltedfruit]

Ok this is very specific because I've been day dreaming about it for days lmao. BUT. A sort of au where Steve and Billy are basically best friends. Steve already knows Billy's gay. Billy told him ages ago. Nothing has happened between them. But one day Steve seems off and distracted, and when Billy asks what's up, Steve brings up the day before he had his first kiss with a dude. Has a bi crisis. And then Billy just... tries to support him but internally screams. Pls.. with a happy ending? 😭

This was such a fun prompt! I have posted it on AO3 here, and below~

(Send me more fic prompts, guys!)

-

“You’re acting real weird, Harrington.”

“How many times, man? It’s Steve.”

They’ve had this argument a thousand times by now.

“My apologies, King Steve,” Billy corrects. He shifts, leans over where Steve’s got his knees spread and fakes a punch toward his junk. He laughs when Steve flinches, swearing. The Nintendo controller in his hands almost flies through the window with how hard he throws it. “What’s the bitch done now?”

Steve lunges forward, growling as Billy goes tumbling to his back on Steve’s floor. Steve gives him eight punches to the bicep. It’ll smart tomorrow.

Billy shoves him off with a foot to the stomach. By the time Steve’s got all his fire burned off, they’re both huffing and puffing.

“You know we broke up like two months ago. And Nancy isn’t a bitch.”

Billy rolls his eyes. Bites back the insult he wants to hurl at the mention of Steve’s prissy little ex.

Has to remind himself they are over. Billy’s got nothing more to worry about.

They were on again off again for the last couple years. Billy’s sick of hearing about it. About her.

They’re adults for fuck’s sake.

He stays on his back, setting his own controller on his stomach. On screen, one of their characters dies. Probably Billy’s.

“Then what is it?” Billy asks. “You know you can tell me anything. Spill the beans, man.”

Steve’s been Billy’s best friend since he kicked Tommy Hagan to the curb during senior year back in high school.

Now, they’re sophomores at Indiana State and Steve’s never been more himself, more of a king, than he is while he’s at Billy’s side.

They share a one bedroom apartment. Steve gets the room. Billy is fine with the living room. It’s more freedom and personal space than he’s had his entire life.

That Steve Harrington happens to sleep on the other side of the wall just sweetens the pot.

“King this. King that. If I’m royalty then where the hell’s my cape, huh?” Steve asks him, and he has a point.

Billy’s been tempted to buy the guy a crown and purple cape from the 99c store. Just for kicks.

Steve hasn’t said anything for a while. Billy raises himself to his elbows, giving a perplexed look at his friend.

Steve’s chewing on his thumbnail. Billy sits up and snatches Steve’s wrist out of his mouth.

“Told you that’s a disgusting habit.”

Steve doesn’t pull his hand back. Lets Billy keep a loose grip on him, lets his pulse thump freely. Like Billy is too stupid to figure how fast a heart needs to jump to tell him Steve’s nervous as shit about something.

He’s the only person who gets to see Steve like this. Harried. Harried Harrington is what he used to call the guy when he first saw the panic attacks.

He’s better about them now. Gentler. Kinder.

Steve’s dark eyes find his. “Does dick, like. Feel good?”

Billy squeezes. Keeps squeezing until Steve grimaces. Billy lets his wrist go with a mumbled apology.

He’s better about those too these days.

“You have one.” He tries so hard not to spit the words. Tries and barely succeedsat not succumbing to that angry kid he’s come pretty far from. Still. “Ask your hand.”

“That—that came out so wrong. Um. You’re like, gay. I know that—and I’m totally fine with that, don’t glare at me. More than fine, even! Just. I, uh.”

Steve Harrington is going to finally kill him.

“Use your words, quicksilver.”

Steve tosses his head. Gets his hands in his mess of hair and pulls and scratches at his scalp.

“You know that party we went to yesterday?”

Billy feels dried up. Like a raisin. He needs a drink.

“Yep. Last night. Had to shower the liquor off you smelled so bad.”

“Hey. That was not my fault. Some girl spilled it on me.”

Billy knows that. He witnessed the feat from across the room. Amber liquid had soared before landing all down Steve’s front.

He’d been upset.

“You were pissed.”

“I wasn’t—not at her. Not at him—or, I. Christ, this is hard. Why is this hard?”

Billy watches as Steve goes through the first two stages of a mental breakdown. First comes the big confused eyes. Then the head hanging and hair pulling.

Next is the hyperventilating after a round of anxiety-inducing questions that Billy currently finds himself smack in the middle of.

“Steve. Hey.”

Billy lifts his fist. Extends a pinky. Gets Steve’s eyes on his, on his offering. Steve loops his pinky through Billy’s and breathes like Billy taught him to a few years back.

“What happened? Some asshole try to pull one over on the drunk guy with great hair?” Billy asks, half teasing, half serious.

If some college frat asshole tried something on Steve, Billy was about to be charged with murder.

But big brown eyes go wide. “No! No. I, well maybe? No, no. I—I just—made out with one of the guys from the team, andIdidn’texactlyhateit.”

Billy blinks.

Steve breathes out all nasally.

“Come again?”

“I kissed a guy. Eric. From the swim team—”

“Oh, I fucking know who Eric is,” he replies darkly.

“I—I kissed him first! It was me.” When Steve swallows, Billy can see the bob of his throat. Feel the sweat on his palm as he grabs Billy’s fist. “I just never knew I...maybe I—like guys?”

Billy briefly shuts his eyes. One, because he needs to get a grip on himself. Take a breath. Not let Steve know that he’s silently breaking apart.

And two, to thank God or whoever the fuck decided to finally grant him his last few years’ worth of birthday wishes all at the same time.

“But I still like women? I guess—I guess that doesn’t mean I’m actually attracted to him? That I’m not really gay, or something? Because man, if my dad found out I was gay I think he’d kill me.”

The laugh leaves Billy before he can even open his eyes.

“Get in line,” Billy says. “You’re freaking out over a kiss? Just a kiss?”

He gets a glare. “Yes!”

“And you’re asking me because?”

“Well, because! You’re... gay .”

Billy leans in close, whispers, “No way!”

Steve pushes at his fist. “Fine. Whatever. I should’ve known you wouldn’t take me seriously.”

He starts to stand and Billy absolutely can’t have that. At all.

He can’t fuck this up.

He stands up first, which turns out to be a little too fast, and more than a little disastrous as he trips over his own two feet into Steve to send them flopping back down together on the bed in a tangle of limbs. Steve’s more gangly than he thought.

He lifts his chin, letting the mouthful of Steve’s hair go on the way. He turns and Steve’s just looking up at him. Full on staring.

Billy’s laying on top of him. His legs bracketing one of Steve’s.

“Did—” Billy clears his throat to try again. “Did you like it? Kissing that snob?”

Steve’s cheeks are pink. Billy wants to kiss the moles he can see.

“Yeah.”

“You know liking both is a thing, right? You could be bisexual.”

“Bisexual,” Steve echoes, doing nothing to move out from underneath Billy.

“It would explain the row of hair products, Harrington.”

Steve hums, thoughtful and growing redder by the second. Billy can feel his heart hammering, a reverb of his own.

Steve still doesn’t move.

In fact, he shimmies a bit. The crotch of his jeans brushes Billy’s. He sucks in a breath through clenched teeth.

“We should—I should go.” Billy tries to do just that.

But Steve’s hands clamp down on his forearms.

“Don’t. Don’t go.”

It’s hard not to drop his head, breathe in the cloying scent of Polo at Steve’s collar. Billy inhales and lifts himself back up, only to feel lips skate his chin.

Steve’s grimacing at it, at himself, at what he’s just done.

“Harrington. Steve ,” Billy tries, voice suddenly rough. “You even know what you’re doing?”

Steve just nods once.

Billy slides his leg a little higher. Steve’s not bothering to hide how much he likes the position they’ve found themselves in. And that’s a revelation to Billy.

“You know what you’re asking me?”

Steve dares to peck Billy on the cheek this time. Billy makes a startled, embarrassed sound.

“I do.”

Billy lets Steve make the first moves. All of them. Lets him lift his chin in a taunt as his lips skim Billy’s own.

It tickles.

“We do this, I’m not about to be a casual fling for you to find yourself, Harrington. I’m not doing that will they, won’t they bullshit. You do this, you’re as good as opening my very own personal Pandora’s Box.”

“When have I ever been casual?” Steve challenges, dragging his mouth ever closer to its goal. “And I promise I’m not half as bad as that old thing.”

“I can only hope,” Billy mutters. Steve’s breath hits him in waves, shaky puffs that make it very hard to keep thinking straight. “Steve…”

“Mmhm?”

Their mouths hover, barely touching. A skitter, a sway, an embrace Billy’s never allowed himself to have with someone he wants as bad as he’s always wanted Steve Harrington.

It feels like a roller coaster before the fall.

It’s taking too long. If it takes any longer he’s gonna scream. If he falls it’ll be too soon. A waste of effort and time and too long spent building everything for nothing.

“You can’t break my fucking heart,” Billy whispers.

Steve smiles as he closes the distance, and he’s warm, and he’s safe, and he’s dangerous just like Billy hoped.

[poormeowmeowcollector]

First Kiss, But Not On The Lips

Pair: Tony/ace!Loki (platonic)

Warnings: mentions of insomnia, nightmares, panic attack, isolation and alcohol.

Notes: Basically, the idiots in love trope is my favourite. Tony is a bi mess, Loki doesn't care about a thing (or cares about too many things), Thor is a himbo and Steve is trying. Also, yes, Loki has the ace ring (and a pride flag in his room) and he legally cannot sit like a normal person. And Steve lost the bet because he didn't expect Tony to find out about his crush on Loki within a month.

Read on AO3

"You know what, I get it. We all deserve second chances and blah blah blah, but can't Loki redeem his name on another solar system? What about Jötunnheim? He did a genocide there too!" Tony argues. At least he moves past the redeem part.

"I told you they would not accept me," Loki sighs at Thor, trying to appear stoic. But Tony sees the disappointment in him. Because he knows how to spot it in the mirror.

"Fine, he can stay for a month as a testing period. But if he causes trouble, he's gone," Steve decides. He loves speaking out the decisions even though no one will disagree.

And Thor smiles widely and hugs his brother. But Tony can still see the disappointment in Loki.

~~~

Sleeping is hard while knowing he's in the same building. Tony expected it, but it's still annoying.

"You know he was a victim too, why are you so afraid?" He asks himself but no answer is given.

He knows he won't be able to sleep, and there is a broken suit waiting for him in the lab.

Well, if he's about to pull an all nighter, he better be productive.

~~~

Tony had gotten his all nighter on a schedule. He would wait until Steve is asleep, go to the lab, and return to his bed only one hour before Steve wakes up. Of course and they all noticed his dark circles and moodiness, but he would blame nightmares and get away with it. Not that he was lying.

And, apparently, Tony is not the only one with sleeping issues.

Thor was claiming that Gods don't need sleep or nutrition. But Thor is also a sleeper and eats every time like it's his last time. But Loki doesn't. He barely touches whatever food is placed in front of him or drinks a little water and he looks more sleep deprived than Tony. But no one has the guts to say to a thousand years old powerful cranky god to go sleep or to eat, not even Thor.

And he doesn't talk. It's been days since his voice was heard. Thor doesn't like it, but the few times he mentioned it or tried to get Loki to speak or take part in a talk, he only got a glare. And Tony still doesn't know how Thor still makes Loki even get out of his room.

~~~

Once again, Tony is working on a new suit, during his favourite inhuman hours. Because two things come out at 3am, the devil and Tony Stark.

But the first dude is not helping Tony with the non functioning leg that's driving him insane.

"It's not going to work," Someone comments from the lab's door. Who the hell is up that late?

"Excuse me?" Tony turns around, only to face Loki leaning against the door frame.

"Remaking the joint to resemble a human's is not going to work. You need less strength and more flexibility, probably even another material," Loki explains, staring at Tony. He makes a small nod. Loki then straightens himself and walks closer.

"You know about mechanical engineering?" Tony asks.

"Science, magic, it's all the same on Asgard… and I happen to be the Master of Magic, and therefore…" He trails off, something sad blooming in his eyes. Homesickness, Tony recognises with ease.

"Alright, so, how do you think we'll make it work?" Tony asks, a grin on his face. But instead of answering, Loki just lifts his sleeves and grabs a wrench.

Tony watches as Loki plays with the machine—he looks more like he plays than like he's repairing something—and uses his magic to change the elements on the materials, green glows appearing and disappearing. And, after the five minutes it took him, the leg is perfect.

"Wow…" Tony whistles. Loki grins and sits on the working table, spinning the wrench on his fingers.

"It will probably last for a millennium or two," He shrugs, like it's something easy. And Tony is more impressed.

And they go on with the suit, finishing it before it's time for Tony to go and pretend he's sleeping. And Tony would use this time.

"Well, I didn't know you're good at engineering," Tony trails off. Loki shrugs in response, again sitting on the table with his legs in lotus position.

"You never asked,"

"Yeah, sorry about that. You are just too…" He suddenly can't find the word.

"Cold?" Loki asks, raising his eyebrows at Tony.

"Reserved is how I would phrase it, actually," Tony responds, making Loki hum.

"You know what, nevermind. I'm asking now. What do you like? What don't you like? Just rumble about things," He decides, big brown eyes staring at Loki. And he responds with another shrug.

"I don't know… it is quite late, so I'll probably head to my bed. Good morning, Stark," He jumps up and leaves, before Tony can even think of stopping him.

Right, he's just waiting for people to ask…

"So… Do you remember the rumble offer? Cause it still stands," Tony eyes Loki. And Loki responds with a smile.

~~~

The next morning, Loki didn't appear. Thor explained that he crashed on the bed. And it must be the hell of a sleep because he got out of his room three days after. Again, while Tony was working on a suit.

"Hey, wanna help?" Tony yells at Loki as he walks outside of the lab. And Loki nods a yes and gets to work.

"Still not sleeping, Stark?" He asks, his smart eyes pinned on the helmet of the suit.

"No rest for the wicked," Tony smiles. Looks like he's more talkative now that he's fresh.

"Tell me about it…" He sighs. Then, he grunts a bit, probably gotten hit by some remaining electricity.

Tony hadn't noticed before how pretty Loki's smile is.

And Loki takes the opportunity and starts to talk. Tony learns a lot about Loki during the Great Rumble. Dandelions are his favourite flowers, thanks to the Æsir library he became an encyclopaedia of random fun facts (even took it far enough to share some), he's a cat person, he loves classical music or music without lyrics, and then he starts sharing some stories of him and Thor as kids.

But Tony notices other things too. He noticed that Loki's eyes seem to glow when he talks about things that make him happy, he moves his hands around, he has this cute little smile that makes his face shine. And when he talks fast, his Nordic accent slips out—just some trilled 'r's or some harder sounds—and he also has a stutter that slips out. And Tony finds all of those so beautiful, but he can't say it.

"Your turn," Loki says. And Tony freezes.

Because his mind is nothing but simping for Loki, right now.

"I… em… Ya know, I…" He mutters, trying to think of something. But, Goddamnit, those shining green eyes pinning on him and waiting are so distracting.

"I'm actually bisexual, but more attracted to women than men," He snaps, finally finding something. But what if Asgard is not so accepting? Earth is having issues with those things and those guys live in the middle ages.

"Oh, nice," Loki shrugs after noticing Tony's brief pause. And it's enough to relax Tony.

"And… Dammit, this is so hard… I like cheeseburgers?" He squirts. "I don't know, can't think of something right now… when something pops up, I'll let you know," He gives up and rubs his nose bridge.

"No worries, you're hot anyways,"

Loki grins after seeing how red Tony's face became. And Tony clears his throat in hope of containing himself somehow.

"Alrighty… How's the helmet going? Tony moves the subject away. He sees Loki short-circuiting for a long moment, before remembering what they are doing here and grabbing back the helmet.

"It won't let me fix it… whenever I try to do something to the source of the issue, I get striked," He answers.

"Have you tried plastic gloves?" Tony asks, not even looking up from the hand he's oiling.

"For the helmet?" Loki asks, his eyebrows furrowed at Tony.

"For your hands, you idiot!" Tony screams, his head snapping heavenwards. Why did he agree on this?

"Fine, fine… Norns, dauðlegir eru svo stuttir í skapi... —Norns, Mortals are so short tempered…" Loki mutters under his breath.

"You know JARVIS can translate from Old Norse to English, right?" Tony snaps.

Loki shrugs and leaps into the working table and walks across it with three big steps, jumping back down with grace and opening shelves to find the gloves.

"They won't fit," He yells at Tony.

"Whatcha mean they won't fit?" Tony yells back.

Loki jumps on the table again and ends right behind Tony.

"I mean, they won't fit. They're too small," He answers to Tony's ear. Tony has learned how much Loki loved climbing on furniture, so he just turns around instead of jumping around and cussing at the God.

"Come on… how big are your hands?" He asks. Loki grabs Tony's hand and places his palm against his own. Tony's fingers were beginning on Loki's second joints, his fingers long and thin. And Tony licks his lips, because he knows what big hands mean…

Stop being horny over deities, you idiot! It didn't end well with Jesus and it won't end well with this one too! The, usually silent, voice of reason reminds him.

"Maybe you can magic them into fitting…" He suggests. Loki nods and stretches the left glove with his right hand, a green light making it bigger as he slides his hand inside.

"Thank you, Stark…" He smiles and climbs back on the table, eyes pinned on the helmet as he's playing with the screwdriver. It's been two weeks since he came here, and he still uses only last names. But when Clint called him Odinson, Thor, Steve and the Hulk had to physically hold Loki from snapping the archer's neck. And no one dares to call him Laufeyson or even think about it.

"Hey," Tony snaps. Loki flinches at the sudden noise but composes himself right after. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya," Tony apologizes.

"It's fine… What do you want to ask?" Loki shrugs one shoulder, placing the helmet on his right and the screwdriver on his left.

"Why do you call everyone by their last name but don't want to be addressed as so?" He asks.

"I'm not anyone's friend, and first names feel too familiar for such a situation. And, I won't stay for a long time…" He answers, the livid glow in his eyes fading just so.

"And, your last name?"

"I don't have one…" He whispers, with what Tony recognises as shame in his voice. Tony frowns and walks closer, staying outside of Loki's personal space.

"But you're Thor's brother and he's an Odinson," He studied his words before speaking. The last thing he wants is to trigger Loki, even as an accident.

"On Asgard and Jötenheim, last names work differently. You choose the name of the parent who you are closest to and then add the -son, -dottir or -barn. But Odin and Laufey were not close at all, and Frigga could help but she chose to keep me at arm's reach. So, no last name…" Tony can see how Loki was trying hard not to show emotions, but he is so close to breaking.

"You know, with this logic, only Thor has a last name. Don't tell Steve, but Howard was a first class terrible father. Steve's dad abandoned him and his mother, after beating the poor woman. Clint's parents made him run away and go to the circus. Natasha was given her name in the Red Room, she doesn't know who her parents are. And Bruce's was violent too. The only people with decent parents are Thor and JARVIS." Tony should move the topic away, but he didn't. At least he tries to patch it up on the last bit.

"And Dum-E," Loki adds, with a barely visible smile. A fake one. Tony hears the robot's joints moving as he lifts his upper part.

"And Dum-E," Tony agrees with a smile, and the robot makes a few happy noises. Loki laughs.

"You know, he says he loves you," He turns to Tony.

"If that's so, he earned some nice oil," Tony grabs the oil and applies some to Dum-E's joint. It doesn't stop making those mechanic noises and when Tony is over, Loki's smiling at him from the table.

"He still says he loves me, right?" Tony asks. Loki makes a slight nod, not abandoning his small smile.

"And that you are the best dad," He adds. Tony laughs and pets Dum-E before heading back to the table. But he still won't get too close to Loki, he is very strict with his personal space.

Loki grabs back the helmet and starts poking it around with the tool, now ignoring Tony.

"So, you don't feel like talking, huh?" Tony asks.

"If you mean the topic you want to talk about, then no," Loki snaps, not raising his eyes. Tony nods, he knows better than invading Loki's personal space.

And Loki didn't open his mouth for the rest of the night. The next morning, he would pretend nothing happened, but Tony would see how something changed in him. How his eyes darkened and his face became colder.

~~~

The next night, Loki is even more grumpy. So, Tony avoids speaking, or making anything that has even the slightest chance to irritate him.

"You're scared of me…" Loki finally speaks, his voice soft like a whisper and his fingers playing with the black ring on his ring finger. Tony looks up from the metal glove he's making to stare at Loki.

"Should I be scared?" Tony asks, careful not to say the wrong words.

"You are too picky about what you do around me. Why not do that if not because you are scared?" He answers. And this is where Tony lets himself frown and talks without thinking.

"Maybe because I don't want to make you feel bad?" He lets his words come out without filters. And Loki raises his eyebrow at it.

"Well, you don't lie about it. But why are you so dedicated to this?" He narrows his eyes and crosses his hands, body leaning towards Tony.

And now, he can't answer. Why does he care so much? It's not that they're old friends like with Rhodey or ex-s but still friends like with Pepper. They're not even teammates. Loki said it himself, he will leave after the one month Steve gave him.

So, why does Tony care so much?

"Hmm, nice answer…" Loki snarls and looks away, playing again with the other hand of the suit.

"You're a cold son of a whore, you know that?" Tony spits, his eyes stabbing Loki. He now raises his glare again, but he looks more confused than before.

"I beg your pardon?" He blinks.

"I try to be decent towards you, okay? The reasons behind it don't matter. Could be fear, guilt, interest, it means jack. And you question me on how I dare be decent towards you and why and what I want from you! You know what, I have a question for you. Why can't you accept being treated as a normal person? Are you that messed up in the brain or you just love so much being alone and miserable?" Tony lets his thoughts come out as they are, not giving a care how much they will hurt Loki. But the moment he sees Loki's reaction, he regrets it.

The room gets cold enough for Tony to see his breathing. Loki leaves the tools and the metal hand beside him and locks his feet on a tight fatal position, his hands on his face and pulling some hair with enough strength to pull them out and his shoulders rising and falling too fast.

And Tony knows what this means… It means he messed up badly.

"Crap! Hey, buddy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean those things…" He sprints closer. Loki raises his hand towards him, a green glow erupting from it and sending Tony flying to the other side of the lab.

Loki mutters something to this in Old Norse, before jumping up and leaving, his feet shaking as he was trying to walk towards the exit. But he manages to vanish in the dark corridor anyways.

And this time, Tony definitely messed up the worst way possible.

~~~

For the next two weeks, Loki doesn't get out of his room. And it only makes the knot in Tony's stomach grow tighter. He asks Thor all the time how Loki is, if he eats, if he sleeps, if he needs something. It's a wonder Thor hasn't grown tired of the constant questioning. And the answer is always the same, "I don't know, he won't let me in,".

And if everyone on the tower has learned something about Loki, is that things are bad when he keeps Thor at arm's length.

Tony wants to go and check on Loki himself, but he bets his right hand that Loki will spit curses at him, and he has every right to do so. So, he has to settle down on annoying Thor and worrying with him.

"You know what? It's my fault," Tony admits to Thor the night before Loki leaves. And Thor furrowed his eyebrows.

"What do you mean?"

Tony explains everything that happened that night, and Thor smiles with sympathy and touches Tony's neck.

"You were right on your words, that's why Loki reacted like this. He doesn't want people to know too much about him… But he won't be mad at you." He answers.

"But, why do I care so much? We barely know each other…" Tony asks.

"Have you thought of love?" Thor suggest. Tony is about to smack Thor for saying something like this, but it makes sense.

"Do… you don't happen to know if he's queer, right?" Tony makes the big question.

"I know very few Æsir who are not your definition of queer, but Loki was never open about those things. You better ask him…" He shrugs.

Well, Thor has a point. But Tony can't exactly ask Loki what his sexuality is while he's like this. So, he better wait till it's time.

"Thank you, Point Break…" Tony pats Thor's back. And then, JARVIS yells at them that Steve wants everyone in the central room.

And there is everyone here, even Loki. Well, an emotionally drained and mentally exhausted Loki, but he's there.

"As you know, your month has passed…" Steve begins talking, his Captain Voice on. Loki nods and lowers his shoulders to appear smaller.

"I'll be on my way, then…" He mutters, voice low and breaking. Steve wants to smile, but Loki's reaction stops him.

"So, you don't want to be an Avenger?" He lets his Captain mask fall, eyeing Loki with worry. And every single one of the Avengers is now doing the same. Tony hadn't realised that this antisocial emo little God had become so popular.

Loki lets his lips make a smile so big Tony bets it hurts like hell.

"You mean I can stay?" He asks, his voice now louder and livid.

"Can't see a reason to kick you out," Steve smiles too.

And Loki drags him to a hug tight enough to break the poor soldier in half, smiling like a sunbeam and rumbling thank you again and again.

"Alright, can you let me breathe?" Steve wheezes. Loki makes a small oh sound and lets go of the hug.

"Sorry, Steve," He hums, not breaking eye contact.

"Steve? Where's the "Rogers"?" Clint asks, his eyebrows raised and his hands signing along even though he wears his hearing aids.

"Well, since I'm about to stay, there's no point in calling you with your last names, is there?" Loki shrugs.

"Alright, you know what we need? A party. Who's with me?" Tony claps his hands and yells, glad to see everyone agreeing.

~~~

Apparently, being an alien God makes you hold your liquor a lot. Tony knew about Steve, but he didn't expect those two to have this stamina as well.

But Thor has started losing his balance and yelling at everyone how much he loves them in Old Norse and Loki's accent and stutter are showing, but he is just sitting on the bar and watching over the chaos.

This is your chance. He's happy and drunk enough, what could possibly go wrong? Tony thinks and stumbles towards Loki before he sits on a tall stool.

"So, are you having fun?" He asks, smiling at Loki and sipping on his scotch. It's fine, he's done this countless times before and he can do it now.

"It's quite nice, yes…" Loki hums, now turning to face Tony.

"And, em… Sorry about the other night… It was too much, should have been midler on ya," Tony mumbles, trying not to lower his eyes and break eye contact. Loki makes a soft nod.

"It's fine, you don't have to apologize… And you were quite right about some things…" He gives Tony a small smile as he talks, making him relax his shoulders a bit a mouth a thank you.

"And I wanna tell you something… I also talked to Thor about it… And I think… No, I'm pretty sure I have a crush on you. And, that's why the care and stuff…" Tony rumbles, his eyes big as he searches for reaction. But Loki stays untouched.

"I am… flattered… But I'm also asexual," He breathes out, staring back at Tony for a reaction.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't want to make it uncomfortable…" Tony rushes to apologize. Couldn't he see the black wedding ring? It's a symbol of asexuality!

"You know, things can work out platonically. I mean, you do start to grow on me…" Loki responds, smiling just a bit.

"Really? I mean, you don't mind?" Tony grins at the response, his eyes big at the God. Loki shrugs.

"Yeah, If you are okay with not getting laid with me…"

"Oh, thank you! Thank you so much!" Tony gives Loki an ear to ear smile and grabs his right hand, kissing gently the black ring.

Loki's cheeks and ears get bright red and he bites his lower lip. Tony is quick to let go of his hand.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable…" He chunters, now lowering his glare and playing with his glass.

"It was… nice…" Loki whispers, most likely to himself. But Tony still snaps his head up.

"Seriously?"

"Yes… And…" The red blush appears back in his cheeks as he fidgets with his sleeves. "It was the first time someone kissed me…"

"No way!" Tony exhales.

"I know, embarrassing…" Loki bites his lip again, breaking eye contact.

"I'm actually honoured. Not a lot of humans had the chance to steal the first kiss of a God, you know," Tony grins, hoping the joke is not that bad.

Loki reacts with a snorting sound and a light punch on the ribs, that sends Tony straight to the floor and makes the glass scatter in pieces.

"Oh, dear, are you alright?!" Loki squirts at Tony.

"I think I need a safeword…" Tony grunts.

He is sure that Loki will grimace on the joke, but instead, he giggles like a highschool girl.

"Most definitely yeah," He sighs, handing over an identical glass with the one they broke.

From the back of the room, no one sees Thor laughing as Steve sighs at the view of Loki and Tony and handing over the twenty dollars of the bet.

[valkyrieofsmut]

Double stuffed birthday

Stucky x Reader

Descriptions:  (Y/n) has huge crushes on her neighbors, but they’re in a relationship- with each other. She’s sad to miss out, thinking they’re both only into men, but wants the best for them. Until one night she hears a woman’s moans coming through the wall... Afraid to hurt one of them, she has to come clean about what she heard, and finds out that- maybe she has a chance after all...?

Types: Double penetration, threesome, two guys one girl, virgin reader, preparation, smut!

Warnings: None, I think.

Words: 3347 

A/n- THAT’S RIGHT! DOUBLE STUFFED BIRTHDAY! BECAUSE! I’M... A DORK! *sigh*... This Ask came from forever and a day ago (You can see how far behind I am... )

Masterlist

Story!

(Y/n) wanted something special for her birthday… 

She was tired of sitting around admiring the two super soldiers who were her great friends, and had been since they moved in a couple of years ago. 

It had started as any other day; her getting home from work, checking the mail, planning what to make for dinner. The only difference had been that there was a moving truck outside. 

When she'd gotten up to her floor, she saw boxes all over the hallway, and, while being careful and watching her feet to not trip over them, she didn't see the bulky man coming around the doorway next to hers, who then nearly mowed her over, but caught her with his quick reflexes. 

She later brought them cookies as a welcome to the building treat, and they invited her to have dinner to get to know each other. 

It was a wonderful night, and they became great friends. 

.

The next while was nice, showing them movies, finding out that they were, in fact, Captain America and Bucky Barnes, best friends, comrades in arms, roommates, and… a bit more. 

Truly, not many could understand the life they'd lived; WWII veterans would understand the life and the war, the Avengers would understand that part of the fighting they'd gone through, but since the other experimental subjects that had been with Bucky had been… terminated… they were the only supersoldiers left in the world- that were known of, anyway. And even then, Steve could never quite know what Bucky had gone through as a prisoner of war, tortured and experimented on; after all, Steve had been able to volunteer for the supersoldier program. 

So it made sense that they had gone from bffs to bffs with benefits, since they were really the only ones they could completely trust with themselves. 

It made (Y/n) a bit sad, wishing that she'd have a chance with them, but it was hard to be jealous when they were both good friends and they were happy together. 

That certainly didn't keep her from dreaming, though… 

And dream she did. 

Being a virgin did nothing to stop her imagination, and it's no wonder with the internet and the plethora of erotic stories. It all gave her a wealth of fantasies to pull from when she was alone. 

Even if she had to be very quiet, since their bedrooms apparently shared a wall. 

How awkward would it be the day after to see them in the hall and have one of them comment, "so hey, I heard you screaming mine and my partner's name in orgasm last night…" 

Yeah… That was definitely something she wanted to avoid. 

They tried to return the favor as well, it seemed, since sometimes she could hear them, just barely, keeping quiet as they were intimate. 

She… may or may not have joined in privately those times… 

So, when she heard a woman crying out one night, she was understandably a bit distressed thinking that one of her friends had cheated on the other. 

It ate at her for a week. She wanted to talk to them, needed to talk about it, but she didn't know who it was, and she didn't want to hurt one of them. 

Finally, she couldn't hold it in any longer, and knocked on the door, greeting Steve when he answered. 

"Hey, (Y/n), how are you doing?" 

"I- I'm…" She took a breath and turned to him, pushing it out, but awkwardly wishing she could pull it back halfway through, "I heard- so-omething- the… other day…" 

"I'm sorry…?" He offered, completely lost, but able to tell she was distressed by whatever she'd heard. 

He was so kind- his face showed he was so sweet- 

(Y/n) didn't know what to do! 

She couldn't imagine this sweet teddy bear of a man cheating, and she definitely didn't want to hurt him! 

"I- I'm sorry, I- heard something in- uh, from, the bedroom…" 

His cheeks flashed the lightest shade of pink, an apologetic smile tilting his lips. 

"What's up with Dolly?" Bucky asked from the doorway to the kitchen. 

(Y/n) felt panic building in her veins. 

Oh shit- 

What do I do?! 

"Apparently we were a bit loud the other night," Steve answered, his eyes still on hers. 

Oh god- she could feel her blood rushing in her ears! Heat spreading over her body- knots forming in her stomach-! 

"No- no, I-! Um! I have to g-" She stopped. "I don't want to ruin your relationship but I heard one of you in the bedroom with a woman!" 

Having word vomited her news out, she desperately wanted to leave. She hurried to turn and do so, but Steve caught her arm. 

“Wait, wait, wait. You what?” 

(Y/n) could feel the panic building in her stomach, making her feel a bit nauseous. “I heard- I heard someone in the bedroom- I heard a woman in your bedroom- I- I’m sorry,” she told them, starting to breathe heavily with her panic. 

Steve and Bucky shared a look, then looked back to her. 

“I- I have to go- I’m-” 

“Hey, hey,” Steve cooed, trying to calm her down, used to Bucky’s panic attacks. 

Bucky tossed the potholder in his hand on the counter and headed over to help calm her. They stroked her back, murmuring calming words to her until she could catch her breath. 

“I- I’m sorry- I just- didn’t- want to hurt- you guys,” she told them. 

They shared another look and looked back to her, an apologetic look in their eyes. 

“W-well, I guess this is how you find out,” Steve commented softly. 

“F-find out- what?” 

Bucky cleared his throat and looked away, muttering something to himself and rubbing his metal arm. 

“We’re not gay, (Y/n)...” 

“B-but I thought-” She blinked in confusion, her words leaving her. 

“I’m sorry if there was a misunderstanding,” Steve told her, still holding onto her to give support. “We’re not gay; we’re bi…” 

Bucky cleared his throat and gave a crooked smile to the wall he was staring at. “Yeah, ahem, S-Steve might not have gotten many dames back in the day, but, uh-” 

Steve snorted. “Bucky got lots of ‘tail’.” 

“U-uh- oh! Oh… wow… I- I’m sorry I came bursting in here like- like a crazy person,” (Y/n) told them, feeling her embarrassment replacing the panic. 

As she’d left, she was sure that she’d heard Bucky telling Steve, “see? This is why you don’t make the plans. What the hell kind of plan was that anyway?! You gave her a panic attack!” 

. 

And now, a month later, when she was getting closer to her birthday, she’d decided to bring up her request. Just between friends, people she trusted, the three of them- she wanted them to take her virginity. 

. 

Steve looked at her in shock. “Y-you’re a virgin?” 

“Yeah…?” (Y/n) answered, not understanding why that was strange; everyone was born a virgin, so everyone was at some point in their life… 

“But- but like, actually a virgin,” Bucky reiterated. “Not- not like ‘I’m a “virgin” because I’m a “born again virgin”’?” 

“Yes- a what? No- look. It’s simple. I am a virgin. I’ve never had sex. No penis in any of my orifices. Virgin.” 

The two men looked at each other, sharing a look like something suddenly made sense. 

“And- and you want us to- you want one of us to take your virginity?” Steve asked. 

“Well, I mean, if Bucky was such a lady killer back in the forties, I’m sure he’s had a few, so nothing new to him…” 

They both chuckled awkwardly at that. 

“But, I-  I was actually hoping… That… you both…?” 

“Both…” Steve blinked, then looked at Bucky. 

“Both of us? In the same night?” 

“A-at the same- time,” she offered. 

Steve shook his head. “No.” 

Bucky shot him a look. “Oh, you suddenly have good ideas?” 

“No; (Y/n), Cookie, we can’t- we can’t take you at the same time-” 

“I’ve seen porn, Steve,” she scolded. 

“I’ve seen it happen,” Bucky added, deadpan. 

“Not when you’re a virgin! It’ll- it’ll- Bucky!” Steve looked at him for support. “It’d rip her to shreds!” 

Bucky paused, tilting his head. “Y-yeah… he’s got a point there, Dolly…” 

“But- but! Every one has sex a first time! It’s not like I’m any different!” 

Bucky shook his head, “but, not everyone is trying to have double penetration their first go. Not only that, but- the- the serum… it affected all of us… all of us,” he stressed before turning to Steve and patting him on the shoulder a bit mockingly. “Look at you, thinking things through. Proud of you, Punk.” 

“Shut up, Jerk,” Steve shot back. 

“But… there’s not any way…?” (Y/n) asked sadly. 

The two shared a look again, looking hesitant. 

“Th- there might be a way…” 

“It’ll take a long time…” 

“What is it?” She asked. 

“Well- you- you might stand a chance if you- ahem- did some… some training to your- your holes…” Bucky looked like he was about to die blushing. 

Steve nodded, also looking a bit uncomfortable. “Yeah… if you could… train them… then you’d stand a chance to take one of us…” 

“So- I’d just have to, what, stick fingers in and stretch or something?” She asked. 

Bucky let out a choked laugh. 

“Uh, no, Cookie…” Steve told her, a small chuckle leaving him. “Well… training can be fun… and we can start with fingers, but… we’re  going to have to… graduate to… larger things.” 

(Y/n) blinked at them. “...ok…” 

And thus began the training. 

. 

(Y/n) went to their apartment the next day, eager to start the training, and wasn’t surprised when they had her remove her bottoms. 

“Ok, Doll,” Bucky started, helping her lay back on the bed. He lifted her legs and let them fall open, helping to stretch the inside flexors of her hips. His eyes went right to her bare pussy and stayed there, like they were glued for a minute before he cleared his throat roughly. “Steve… Steve, c’mere…” 

“Yeah?” Steve asked, leaning over from where he was monitoring her reactions. 

“Look at this cute little pussy… She’s… Damn…” 

Steve looked down and his expression changed. “She… Wow…” 

“Hey, uh, guys, you’re kinda weirding me out, here… Is something wrong with me…?!” 

“Nah- nah, Dolly, just… You’re so cute… and-” Bucky cut off, clearing his throat. “Nothin’s wrong.” 

Steve’s fingers ran down her, and (Y/n) let out a gasp. “Oh, shit…” He stroked over her again. “We’re going to have to be careful, Buck… not get…” 

“Carried away, yeah,” Bucky agreed. “Ok, Doll, we’re starting… ready?” 

She nodded, and the next thing she expected was something inserted, but instead, it was just more petting. She looked up at them in question, but they seemed to know what they were doing, and she honestly had not much, if any at all, experience. 

(Y/n) felt herself starting to get more interested, more swollen at the attention that was being paid to her. She felt her body heating up, getting ready for what was going to happen. 

Steve was petting her hair and stroking over her cheeks and neck, giving words of encouragement, telling her how sexy it was watching Bucky doing the things he was to her. 

Bucky ran his fingers between her lips, getting her used to the feeling for a moment, then rubbed around her clit, circling and rubbing over it, his eyes getting dark and hooded as she made soft little noises. He cursed softly before moving one finger to her opening and starting to push in. 

“Bucky,” she huffed, laughing, but still going to moan. “Your finger- isn’t the first thing going up there,” she told him. 

Bucky looked up at her. “N-? Oh, right…” He chuckled. “There are all sorts of things to put here these days.” 

(Y/n) felt like she was about to immediately regret those words… 

Bucky slipped his finger in, moving slowly for a couple of thrusts before adding a finger. “Two,” he updated Steve. “Let’s see how far we can get her today.” 

“Bucky,” Steve chided, “don’t try rushing it.” 

Bucky looked up at him, flashing a cheeky smirk. “Course not. Running in blindly with no plan is your thing.” 

Steve gave him a dry look, but stayed quiet. 

(Y/n) was panting under Bucky’s ministrations already, her hips starting to arch with his movements. 

When he scissored his fingers apart to stretch her a bit more, the noises that she was making changed, making both guys lick their lips and watch intently. 

He managed to get three fingers in, keeping her at the edge of orgasm, not letting her come. 

“I wanna turn,” Steve said, his eyes trained on Bucky’s hand as it was quickly getting wetter. 

“Why don’t you work on the other side,” Bucky suggested. 

“Think that’d be ok, Cookie?” Steve asked softly. 

(Y/n) looked up at him, her body feeling ready for orgasm. She nodded and they shifted her to her side so that Bucky could reach her pussy, and Steve had room to work on her ass. 

Bucky had her foot planted on his shoulder to keep her open, working slowly at her, and Steve rubbed and squeezed her ass for a moment. 

“It’s going to be cold for a moment,” he warned her, and she heard some noises like he was rubbing something between his fingers before they touched her. 

His fingers were a bit cold, but they warmed up as he moved them over her rear opening, slowly starting to dip his finger in. 

Wow- wow! She’d never felt this strange sort of double stimulation before! It felt- it felt really good! 

(Y/n) started groping at her chest, moaning and whining as they moved. She could hear them talking to each other, working in conjunction, and she felt when Steve switched fingers, stroking her inside as she was driven closer and closer to her end. 

“Steve, you’re going to have to- I’ve got her foot on my shoulder,” Bucky’s voice drifted up to her dreamily. 

(Y/n) could only spare a partial thought wondering what that was about, but the rest of her body was feeling too good, especially when her hands went under her shirt and bra to get to her bare breasts. 

Another hand was on her, two fingers stroking along her, on either side of her clit, and she arched and moaned, hearing two answering moans from near her knees. The three hands worked in tandem, getting into rhythm and stroking her. 

It felt so good, it was like pleasure bursting through every part of her- making her whole body shiver. 

“Look at her, she’s doing so good,” one cooed. 

“God, I can’t wait to have her between us…” The other agreed. 

“Oh, that’s it, look at her; she’s getting close.” 

(Y/n) was having trouble catching her breath, her hips rocking with their rhythm. “G- I- yeah,” she panted to them, her moans getting louder and louder. 

“That’s it, come for us, gorgeous.” 

(Y/n) cried out as she came, clenching around both of them and feeling them in even more detail inside her. 

“Good girl… such a good girl…” 

. 

Every day after work, she’d go to their apartment, and repeat the process. 

Everyday after work, she'd only come once, but it was a pretty strong orgasm. 

Until, finally, it was the day. 

.

“You can say no, if you want to.” 

“No one will think less of you.” 

“I know.” She was naked in front of them, laid out on the bed, watching as lube was poured into a palm. “Isn’t that too much…?” 

They shared a look. 

“Nope.” 

“Trust us.” 

They worked into her one at a time, one on the bed, her sliding onto him, feeling him filling her pussy like it had never been filled before. No tampon or toy, even when they’d been doing their training and they’d stretched her open with toys, had ever filled her this much. 

They took a break, letting her lay on his chest as the other lubed up her ass next to prepare her for him to enter. 

“Are you ready?” 

She nodded, though her eyes were closed and she was still taking deep breaths.

The super soldier behind her started to press into her, going slow, so mercifully slow, and letting her stretch around him.

“Oh shit- (Y/n)- ah god, you’re so t-tight…” 

Somehow he managed to push all the way in without many stops, and (Y/n) had never felt fuller in her life. 

There was panting from in front and behind her as both men caught their breaths, and the three of them slowly started growing accustomed to the tight feeling. 

When they started moving, she felt the way their cocks dragged at her skin, the friction feeling like pleasurable stroking pushing her closer to orgasm. They switched the way they thrust, and suddenly, Steve was pushing into her while Bucky was pulling out, then they were switching. 

(Y/n) couldn’t breathe, it felt so good- her mind turned itself off, and the only thing going through her head was it trying to process the sensation of them moving inside her. 

“Oh, fuck,” Bucky groaned, leaning in and tilting her chin to kiss her. 

Steve kept thrusting, groaning as he moved. “God, f-f- feel so-” He pulled the kiss apart by turning (Y/n)’s face to him instead. 

Bucky licked his lips as he watched them kiss, his hips bucking into her slowly and steadily. 

Steve pulled back and kissed Bucky, who leaned into the kiss as well, both hugging tight around (Y/n). 

They each took a breast, kneading and playing with it, tugging and rolling her nipples as they moved. 

It was so good-

It was so much- 

It was too good- 

It was too much-! 

(Y/n) let out a high pitched cry as she came, hard, squeezing tight around them, making Bucky and Steve both let out guttural sounds of surprise and pleasure. 

“F-fuck-” 

“Oh shit-” 

Hands tightened on (Y/n), one set on her hips, the other on her thighs as both men picked up the pace. 

“Bucky- she- she feels so good!” 

“I know, Steve- she’s- she’s so tight it feels like she’s tryin’ to push me out-! Oh fuck, Dolly, you’re gonna make me cum-!” 

“Oh God, Cookie, don’t- don’t stop squeezing me like that-! I’m- I’m right there- gonna cum-” 

They seemed to communicate without any sounds as they both sped up, making (Y/n)’s voice raise as she came again, but their response this time was fucking into her harder. 

“Fuck- fuck, fuck, fuck,” Bucky panted as he slammed into her, starting to ride close to the edge of orgasm. 

“O-oh- uuuungh! B-Bucky- c’mon- let’s fill our girl with our cum,” Steve called out, his hips pistoning as he slid in and out. 

“Yeah- r-ready when- when you are,” Bucky answered, his hands tightening on her. “She’s gettin’ close again, too-” 

“A-alright, on- on Cookie’s signal, then,” Steve decided. 

It was only a couple more movements before (Y/n) fell over the edge again, a scream leaving her as she came, tightening around them as her hips twitched, but between them, they kept them steady as they pushed into her as deep as they could and one after the other, filled her until she was dripping super soldier seed. 

After a moment to catch their breath, the two men cleaned her up, and they all got comfortable in the bed. 

“Oh fuck,” Bucky sighed. “That was great, Doll.” 

“Agreed,” Steve nodded, wrapping an arm around her. “Good birthday present?” 

(Y/n) managed to nod as she cuddled closer to them both. “Y-yeah… good…” 

The two chuckled. 

“Go on, sweetheart, go to sleep,” a deep voice murmured near her ear. “More time for fun tomorrow. You’ve been through a lot for now, though.” 

(Y/n) drifted off, feeling Bucky and Steve following her quickly. 

NOTES- Confirmed; Steve convinced Bucky to set the whole thing with the other woman up trying to lure (Y/n) to the conclusion that they were into women, too... Sneaky Steve. 

Steve: We both really like her, right?  Bucky: Yeah. Steve: And we both want her to join us, right? Bucky: Yeah. Steve: I’ve dropped hints all over...  Both: ... Both: ... Bucky: Maybe she doesn’t think we’re into girls?  Steve: ...I have a plan.  Bucky: No- Steve, no.  Steve: *quietly* Steve yes... Ok, so here’s what we’re gonna do... Bucky: *sighs and rubs face* 

Tag List!

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[eusuntgratie]

D, H, I, N, & T because I am curious and greedy 😘

i love it 💜

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t (again: be nice) 

hmmm this is a good question. I can’t really ever get 100% behind a ship that’s like half of one of my OTP’s with somebody else. It’s not that I can’t like it, but it’s never endgame. So I’ve read and loved some great BuckyNat and I love this one fic where Steve and Nat sleep together as friends but I can’t like SHIP SHIP them because Stucky is embedded into my soul. I live for Stiles having a slutty phase and sleeping with the entire fucking world, so I’m cool with reading him with other people, but Sterek is always gonna be endgame for me. So yeah. I’m a sap, I guess. SamBucky is probably a good example of this. They’re cute and funny and people are gonna ship the shit out of them bc Mackie and Sebastian are hilarious together and they will actually interact on screen for more than three minutes (gasp!). And I get it! But... I can’t. Not really. I’m going down with that Stucky ship, man.

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., tv shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.) 

oooooh another good one. TV Shows! So I’ve never been intense about a fandom except the MCU and then Teen Wolf. So I’m working with like 42 total minutes of screentime and approximately 19 words of dialog from Bucky in all of that. For my favorite character and half of my OTP. Which is fucked. We get some great scenes...but not very many of them. So it’s been fun to get into Teen Wolf which I’m still not even done watching. My OTP over there ALSO only has like 5 seconds of shared screentime, but there’s more little shit and more character development and more quirks and more randomness I can pick up on because there’s just more there to work with.

I - Has tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why

whole fandoms, no. but I’ve gotten good at blocking and unfollowing people because there’s a whole lot of drama and bullshit out there. I only really interact with a handful of people who are chill and lovely and I prefer it like that. Fandom is my happy place and my escape, so if people are ridiculous I’m pretty quick to tap out. I’m just here to reblog pretty gifs, keep up with my fave writers, chat about silly fandom things, and stare at hoechlin’s delicious thighs. bucky’s too. gotta love a man with nice thighs. what were we talking about?

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice) 

So in general, I ALWAYS want more accurate/authentic mental health representation, more bi/pan representation, and more characters that are just fuckin’ crazed by their horniness...I need be on your dick right now or I’m gonna DIE dramatics just peak thirst I love it.

Teen Wolf deals with mental health horribly (I’ll give that I appreciate that Stiles talks openly about having anxiety and panic attacks which is HUGE especially for a male character his age BUT) - ADHD is a joke, horror movie mental institution, a pretty girl kisses a boy to stop his panic attack (what), a character with HORRIFIC trauma treated as a joke and multiple other characters use that trauma or ignore it and trigger him, where to begin with Derek/Kate etc. etc. etc. so I’d really love to see more fic that addresses...any of that....well. And there is some great stuff out there! But I’d like to see more. Same with Stucky. Steve and Bucky have infinite trauma. Please let them deal with that.

I feel like every character on teen wolf is bi? Almost? So...gimme all of that. Always here for that.

OH MY GOD one more - ALWAYS give me more good kink. It is so fucking hard to find good well written kink and BDSM fic and I love it so much.

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending, about anything at all (gender identity, sexual or romantic orientation, extended family, sexual preferences like top/bottom/switch, relationship with poetry, seriously anything)

There isn’t much that I’m so intense about I can read/think about/accept anything else. If a fic sets it up well enough I’ll happily go on the journey of Steve being a unicorn. You just gotta lay that fuckin’ groundwork, man. Make it make sense and I’m in.

I’m not intense about sexual preferences ever (I just want everyone to bone how doesn’t really matter), but the closest I’ve come to having a strong preference is just my absolute LOVE of bottom derek. Almost everyone writes bottom stiles but OH MY GOD I am just a complete and total whore for bottom derek. or sub derek. or both. i can’t. I just want Stiles to take care of him and make him babble and whine and beg and I’m gonna get inappropriate I’ll shut up now.

OH WAIT I HAVE ONE. Papa Stilinski is a good fucking dad. He doesn’t do everything right (he’s a fucking cop) but he’s a good dad who loves his kid and is trying. He’s also not an alcoholic. I have alcoholics in my family. One scene where he drinks whisky in front of his teenage kid doesn’t make him an alcoholic. Stiles’ wolfsbane nightmare/vision thing is exactly that - a nightmare. Scott saw Allison fucking Jackson. Allison saw her killing...herself. It’s a nightmare...a projection of fears. Stiles worries about his dad and about everything being his fault, so that’s the vision he gets. Don’t shit on Papa Stilinski he’s lovely.

fandom asks | ask me

[sergeantjbuckybarnes]

Buckynat x F!Reader Headcanon #3

masterlist: x

tracklist for this particular series here: x

requested: no

NOW TAKING REQUESTS FOR THIS PAIRING

tags: slight angst with a happy ending, now established bucky x nat, bi!reader, singer reader, sad reader, and unrequited love. TW: PANIC ATTACKS, don’t read if it harms you.

 In the end, soulmate au: part 3

California is a hecking great time

starting from an amateur singer

to famous singer 

life has been great

even when you miss them

rubbing the marks on subconsciously

 you keep the marks covered up most of the time

the only people who know are Adam, Lynn, and Jay

two of your background dancers 

and Lynn, who’s your assistant

and your closest friends at this point

kinda feel like New York is never an option for you

because it only reminds you of heartbreak so,,,

when you get the chance to perform at MSG 

its a literal dream come true

like screaming and hollering dream come true

but it also means going back

back to Bucky and Natasha

texting Steve because you’ve kept in contact and you secretly miss him

letting your assistant know to leave four extra seats for Steve, Sam, Pepper, and Tony

should’ve known she wasn’t going to stick with just four if she knew she could play petty matchmaker

rehearsal, rehearsal

working hard, or hardly working 

so its the last day of rehearsal before the first show 

which means getting to the stage at early ass o’clock in the morning

running through the transitions

then the setlist

For the brokenhearted: x

multiple dances and dance breaks

it’s all a mess

and tiring

but you love it so,,,

Its starting to become midday

And its hot as hell on the stage

So naturally, you have for marked exposed on your arm,

In a sleeveless tank top

Uhhhhhh

When you go to take a break

You hear the in-ear monitors go crazy

You swear that someone actually screamed

Your assistant Lynn comes racing towards you

She’s planned this obvs but she’s playing a part 

She’s out of breath and not making sense

But when she does calm down, she tells you the Avengers are here

Which is fine???

What’s with the rush

And she’s like no,,,

All of the avengers are here

Including the red-haired lady 

And the dude who’s wearing one glove

And the whole group is sitting in the front row 

H u h?

What???

The shock has definitely kicked in at this point

Lynn is pulling you by the hand

Trying to bring you back to the stage

Like it feels like everything is underwater

You could honestly have a panic attack

Before you go out through the stages doors

You take a moment to yourself

You need to breathe, to be honest

You can’t think about them

This concert is for your fans and supporters

Not for anyone who doesn’t love

Or want you

?

You are still the bad bitch who can sing

Still the best baddest bitch

You feel the confidence to head back out

Putting your in-ears back in

Your hands might be shaking but oh well

,,,

Meeting back up with the dancers, Stage managers, band, and backup dancers

You put your mind towards the concert

And not to the large group that’s  sitting with your general manager

And its uhhh awkward as hell 

But you push on,

(like you had a choice -.-) 

Running through the setlist again

Before you could run a song close to perfection,

but now you’re just getting frustrated 

its tempting to pull out all of your hair,,,

It’s to the point where your dancers are concerned

And so are the people watching you

It gets to the point where you have to take another break,

 Almost running to your dressing room

From there, you start pacing

you can feel an attack coming on,

despite trying to push it down.

The room is spinning. Why is it spinning?

You can feel chest pains and oh my god are you having a heart attack?

You fall to the floor, scrambling to sit against the wall, numb fingers pushing against your head. It hurts and you cry out, trying to remember anything you learned to calm down.

It’s not working, why is it working?

You can’t hear the sound of hands pounding on the door, nor the voices calling out for you.

You can’t breathe, are you dying, you’re dying aren’t you? 

The door is opened and two sets of hands are on you, and you can barely discern that three are soft, but rough in places and one feels oddly like metal. 

One hand is placed on someone’s chest and you can feel the slow, steady heartbeat. You breathe in, shakily, and breathe out. You keep breathing in and out, some point you hand falls from their chest. A cool compress is placed on your forehead, and feel worn out, but better than you did before.

A sharp intake is heard and you hear a gasp. You open your eyes, blinking repeat to get rid of the stars. 

Bucky and Natasha are squatted in front of you, Bucky’s hand on your right shoulder.

Oh, no.

Nonono.

You suddenly feel small, the urge for the floor to swallow you up is strong now. 

The room is silent, the tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.

“вот наши имена.” 

 |

*that’s, that’s our names. 

so don’t kill me??? please?? honestly, I’m just a mess at this point. There are most likely one-two parts left, so be on the lookout for those. If you guys want more buckynat, stucky, or tomdaya x reader, send me a message. I also have more w.i.p.s with headcanons and oneshots from shows and movies such as 9-1-1 on fox and IT chapter 2. 

Follow me on twitter(for a random mess, updates and sneak peeks): @ dearestpotter

Coming up: 

Rewrite the Stars: Angst, Steve x Reader, Buckynat x Reader. 

sneakpeak:  Natasha’s hand curl into fists, having the urge to punch something or someone. But she lets them uncurl, seeing that you’re crying and you’re hurt. 

She pulls you into a hug, heartbreaking even more as you seem to fall slack against her, crying to the point of making yourself sick.She rubs your back, muttering sweet words of Russians to you and it seems to work, your crying becoming quieter by the minute.

The two of you must have been sitting for over a good thirty minutes before you begin to close your eyes, the crying making you more tired. You fall into an uneasy sleep, Nat repositioning you to lay on the couch, getting up and putting one Bucky’s soft blankets against you.

[thinger-strang]

no one dies and everyone's gay au

Nancy finds Barb when she gets stuck in the Upside Down when she's in the forest with Jonathan (don't ask me about the logistics) and so Steve ends up finding Jonathan and Barb in Nancy's room? And he's confused because at first he'd just seen Jon and thought Nancy was cheating but then he saw Barb walk into the room? (traumatic sleepover time! except Jon stays on the ground and Barb and Nance cuddle on the bed bc they're best friends and BARB WAS MISSING FOR LIKE TWO DAYS I THINK? she deserves snugs)

But Tommy and Carol started talking about how Nancy was probably sleeping with both, everyone knew Barb was the biggest d*ke in Hawkins, Nancy probably got curious about the other side!

He doesn't necessarily agree but still doesn't stop Tommy from spray painting the theater (because Nancy still lied to him? Lying generally meant there was something? going on? idk Steve's just confused and a little hurt rn)

The rest of the season goes pretty much the same, Barb's just there trying to not die and trying to help the Gang™ find Will and fight this bitch ass demogorgon (I don't think she's really be part of the Nancy and Jonathan luring it to the house and fighting it, she'd help with set up and the plan but I think she'd fuck right off when it comes down to facing it, she's had enough monsters for one life time thx)

But she'd so wanna help get Will out so she's there with Joyce and everyone talking to El while she's in the bath finding Will and talking Hop and Joyce about the Upside Down

(and she's been to the hospital, she didn't get a face sucking monster thing so she recovered quicker? idk don't ask logistics again lmao)

But she and Will end up getting along and sometimes when she's hanging out with Nancy and the party comes over she'll say hi to Will and like ruffle his hair

(also I want a little scene after the big monster hunting trip scene where a) Nancy and Jonathan explain everything to Steve and b) where Steve sees Barb again and pulls her into the biggest hug and starts like apologizing for not paying attention that night and for letting her get taken and even though she assured him it wasn't his fault he still feels guilty about it, it was his house, he should have helped her bandage her hand or something? idk but this right here is the beginning of the Barb/Steve friendship and the start of the "fall of King Steve")

cue s2

and so the four get really close, Jonathan and Steve are actually friends (idk what s2 was pulling but they're friends) and Barb talks to Nancy about Steve and Jonathan and Nancy ends up breaking up with Steve way earlier (bc you know none of that drama would have happened if Barb was there so)

But they're all still good friends, Steve's cool about the break up, and Nancy and Jonathan get together but it's not like right after? so it's all chill and they all went through a dramatic experience together so they remain close knit yeah

and Barb eventually comes out to them (everyone's supportive obviously) and Steve's is ready to throw down with anyone for her

cue Billy

the four of them are sizing up the new guy, Nancy doesn't really care, Jonathan thinks his hair is a little ridiculous (which I mean, that first day? when he steps out of the Camaro? yeah it was a lil rough), Barb can see right through his macho bullshit, and Steve? has a little bi meltdown. bc this kid has definitely had boy crushes before and knows he likes both (kid listens to queen of course he knew he was bi lmao)

blah blah blah s2 happens, Barb, Steve, and Billy have the same English class and Billys generally quiet during school, kinda stand-off-ish, only really bugs people during gym/basketball, but he literally sits in the back and does absolutely nothing during class and still somehow has the highest grade

(FUCK him and Barb get paired for a project and she fucking calls him out? like she's just like you're gay I'm lesbian you can cut the crap around me and they become...not friends? but they have solidarity, they're cool)

and I'm a slut for this trope but BILLY FIGHTS DEMODOGS WITH THEM lmao he hears Max sneak out and follows her and finds her in the junkyard armouring up a bus with fucking Harrington and a couple of nerds? and like the sun is setting and he needs to get Max home so he's like "Maxine! I don't know what the fuck this is and I don't fucking care, we gotta go!" and the four are like yelling at him to either leave or get in the bus! and he's so confused, I'm not here to play games Max! and Steve's running out of the bus with a FUCKING NAIL BAT WHAT THE FUCK HARRINGTON? And Steve's like behind you! and swings at a demodog. Billy has a borderline panic attack before he finds like a fender or exhaust pipe or whatever and starts swinging too

the dogs run away and Billy rounds onto Steve like what the living shit was that? and Steve has to explain everything with Dustin and Lucas interrupting and Max shrugging and trying to understand too? it's a mess

s2 continues with Billy and with HOPPER NOT BEING ABLE TO STAND HIM bc he's caught him speeding and underage drinking and shit and Billy's nervous as hell around cops which makes him mouthy and ITS A MESS

they're all at Joyce's (Barb's there too bc Will's possessed and they need to check up on her too? and she's concerned for Will anyway yeah she's in this too) and El shows up and Steve and Billy are just like what? another one? who the fuck? like Steve heard about her but this isn't a tiny child without hair??? idk it's funny

BILLY WITH AN AXE IN THE TUNNELS

(obviously Steve isn't passed out and the kids don't drive the car, it's Billy's awful impulse control that leads to them going into the tunnels)

okay I couldn't decide where to put Barb here? so I left her with Steve and Billy to babysit and she ends up in the tunnels too? and she's def handling it better than the boys are fuck yeah

Steve has his bat and is in front and Billy found an axe in the pile of shit from the Byers' shed and he pulls up the end

it's awesome

yada yada Steve and Billy end up becoming weirdly good friends by the end and he's good with him and Barb, idk about Nance and Jon but eh

s3 now

Billy ends up getting two jobs; lifeguard and cook at Benny's (bc he's alive too, fight me bitches this is the ultimate fix it) and Barb ends up working as a waitress there too (and working together builds the weirdest bonds so they are besties now)

everything in s3 is pretty much the same but with diner scenes too? and like all the Hawkins moms swarm Benny's too and leave lipstick stains on their kitchen tips and "send my compliments to the chef *wink*"

Billy eats it up but Barb can tell he also kinda hates it bc he's barely 18 and not even remotely into women and it makes him super uncomfortable but publicly he "loves" it (he starts wearing tank tops to the pool and tries to hide out in the kitchen but it really doesn't work)

he still gets caught up with the mind flayer but it's not bc he's about to sleep with Karen bc ew, idk why he's driving out by the warehouse idk maybe he's out on a drive bc he can't sleep yeah

anyway he gets caught up but like he knows, or kind of knows, what this is and calls in sick to both jobs and talks to Hopper bc WHAT THE FUCK isn't the gate closed? I got face fucked my an interdimensional monster so unless you know where the fuck that came from?? and they deal with it earlier (most of the shit still happens but it's less...messy? like Hop and Joyce are more involved in the Billy shit and Steve knows about it?)

Steve still gets caught up with the Russians (I don't think he'd have a chance to tell anyone (specifically Hopper) bc he finds out about Billy then the elevator stuff happens like right after and yada yada)

so for most of the season it's them trying to actually help Billy! and they end up saving a lot of people? (specifically Heather bc she was really nice to Billy and I want he to live fight me it's my au)

but enough people get melted and shit that starcourt still get destroyed blah blah blah!

but Billy makes it and so does Hop and Alexie (no one dies au) and they all end up doing the thing in the mall like they did in the shed with Will? like breaking Billy out? Barb talks about working at the diner and their secret and Steve talks about them hanging out and playing basketball and the tunnels and Max talks about Billy buying her a new board and them scream-singing along to ACDC in the Camaro and the kids mention him giving them rides and shit and yeah! El talks about his mom and that's it! Joyce and Hop close the gate while Billy's holding the one arm (he doesn't get stabbed in the chest, as cool as that scar would be, no...but he gets some on his hands and upper arms and his sides?)

(also Billy's drinking like bleach rn so they try and reverse that as much as possible while he's possessed so that he has a better recovery later bc no! chlorine is not good for you! and Billy tries so hard to not drink it but sometimes he can't fucking stop? idk but he has a support system now!)

and Robin came out to Steve and Steve comes out to her too? like kinda? he alludes to it vaguely bc he's so not ready to be out to anyone FUCK

And Billy comes out to Steve (he was planning on doing it earlier that summer but shit happened)

and Robin becomes friends with everyone (ITS ROBIN X BARB HOURS BITCHES)

(OKAY small like side shit? Benny and Hopper have known each other for years and Benny's like one of the only registered foster parents on Hawkins so he ends up fostering a lot of wayward kids while Hop figures out legal stuff (he hasn't adopted anyone yet but him and his husband (yeah Benny's gay deal with it) really want to? they just haven't yet, all the kids they take care of end up in their care temporarily) BUT Hop finds out about Billy and Max's home life (I know a lot of people write that Neil wouldn't hit Max but...nah son not how that works? idk but he needs to get them out? and Neil's bad to Susan too (he's the worst to Billy but still bad to Max and Susan) anyway Hop helps Susan leave Neil (it takes a while and Billy and Max end up with Benny for a little bit while the divorce is going down and all the legal shit yeah it's safer out of the house rn) long story short Billy ends up staying with Benny after everything and ends up getting adopted (they're like we know you're 18 and you don't need a guardian but if you want we can be your dads? and Billys like yeah sure that'd be nice and yeah) Hop ends up being a weird like uncle figure? idk like I said him and Benny are close and they both adopted kids so yeah? and Billy ends up considering El his little sister and he still visits Max and Susan and yeah?)

ANYWAY everything kind of calms down, Hop and Joyce get together (I just realized I forgot about Bob so...idk I guess this isn't an everyone survives au? no no that's weird um idk him and Joyce end up breaking up idk why) but yeah Hop and Joyce get together and like it's kind of fast but they've been in love for a long time so it's kind of fine? like idk but yeah

Barb and Robin get together (ITS FUCKING CUTE they go to aquariums and have paint dates where they sit on some old sheets and paint while listening to Robin's records ITS CUTE!)

STEVE COMES OUT TO EVERYONE! he definitely cries bc fuck he was scared! bc he likes both and he wasn't sure if that was a thing or whatever for a while and Billy's like oh yeah, like David Bowie or Freddie Mercury? and that's when Steve's cries bc oh thank God you guys get it and you're cool with it oh fuck and YEAH

UM Max is bi too, Will comes out as gay (listen I know none of this is like 80's realistic but everyone's gay and alive and happy, fuck off)

Um it takes forever for Billy and Steve to get together, it's awful. like Barb and Robin have to deal with their pining and shit? and like Robin hears about it from Steve at work and Barb hears about it from Billy at the diner and they put their knowledge together and make a Plan ™

it's like elaborate and dramatic (shut up they're all like 18-19) and shit? BUT LMAO okay one day they're all hanging out at Steve's (bc I've also hopped aboard the neglectful parents train sorry) and idk Steve and Billy are there before Robin and Barb are so the girls walk in on them arguing over whatever and like Billy's talking really fast and Steve's talking with his hands and idk what it's about but Billy ends up yelling that he loves him BUT THEY KEEP ARGUING FOR LIKE A SOLID MINUTE AFTER THAT BEFORE IT HITS THEM and Steve gets all quiet and is just like you love me? and Billy doesn't fucking know what to do?? he's like bright red and frozen and Robin and Barb are by the door trying to not like break the spell (bc it's been months guys) and Billy's like of course I do asshole and Robin thinks Steve's about to have a panic attack but he like rushes forward and cups Billy's face and kisses him senseless and it's like the best thing Robin and Barb have ever seen

and they're resting their foreheads together, Steve's still holding Billy's face and Billy has his hands on Steve's chest it's really tender but Robin's like yeah congrats and shit but you guys ruined our Plan™! and she gives them a long ass rundown of their elaborate scheme and Steve and Billy are like still touching and bumping into each other as they listen and Barb interrupts and says that this was better and Robin rolls her eyes but agrees

and they're watching a movie or whatever, cuddling in their respective couples and Steve fucking jumps up randomly and rounds on Billy like hey woah fuck I love you too, I didn't say that earlier! and Billy's looking up at him like yeah I know that asshole and yeah

[sasorikigai]

Ask me top five of anything || @desxderium​ || accepting 

I’m also going to include the obvious and ramble about them (as usual), because I have no self control. 

1. Hanzo Hasashi; Your typical anti-hero gone astray to becoming a reformed hero after he realizes that his fate had been entangled in the machinations of Quan Chi. The moment I fell in love with his character was when in MKX, with the aid of Kenshi, he severs his ties to "the darkness" and is leading an effort to rescue and train orphans stranded by the Netherrealm War, forming a new Shirai Ryu in the process. 

I absolutely love the trope he goes through, for a revolving door moves in a circle and so does Hanzo’s character in terms of morality. A villain decides to give heroism a try (for whatever reason) and switches sides but then goes back to being a villain and back again (through the time disruption). This phenomenon works the other way, as well. A hero loses perspective and becomes a Well-Intentioned Extremist (Scorpion’s persona), and then comes back from the edge again. He's done it before — why not do it again? The long-term result is the same either way — the character in question will switch sides often enough that, in the long run, he doesn't have a side. I love the neutrality of Hanzo’s character, yet the roaring rampage of revenge does not consume him any longer and that the fact of his growth is what makes him one of the best characters ever. 

My favorite part of the storyline, by far, is witnessing Hanzo's reaction in that ‘tea party’ with Sub-Zero, which is not only remorse for the pain he's caused Kuai Liang in killing his older brother Bi-Han (the elder Sub-Zero), but also because he threw away his one chance to restore his wife and son. The sheer amount of self-disgust in his voice is palpable.

Scorpion: (having witnessed evidence of Quan Chi's guilt in exterminating the original Shirai Ryu) Harumi... Satoshi... Sub-Zero: Had I known of my clan's complicity in the Shirai Ryu's extinction, our history would be different. Scorpion: I killed your brother because I thought he... Sub-Zero: Quan Chi is responsible for Bi-Han's death.

2. Kuai Liang; I love the duality he wears, the badass vibe ("I will freeze your very soul," "I destroy whom I please!" and "You will know the sting of winter.” And of course, who could forget the Lin Kuei's badass creed? “Be as stealthful as the night and as deadly as the dawn.”) with the heart of gold. He’s THE best Sub-Zero to ever hold the mantle of the Grandmaster, despite having started out as a silent assassin in II/9, but when the Lin Kuei becomes interested in cybernetics in 3/9, he splits because he disagrees with the methodology. From 4/X his character evolves greatly and becomes one of the most morally aware characters of the series, even taking over his former clan to lead them in a more righteous direction.

I also love the fact that his name, Kuai Liang, can translate into "fast ice," or more prosaically, "quick freeze." Considering his abilities and the fact that he's a Chinese Cryomancer, this is likely intentional even in-universe (which I especially love, because that name just sticks to me as a ‘cyromancer.’). He is one of the most good characters in the MK universe and the fact that he’s able to endure so many hardships, going through excruciating transformations. And he still holds that innocence, that naivety because he was forced to act much older than his age ever since Bi-Han and him were kidnapped to the Lin Kuei, only to be raised into mindless assassins and kill even the innocents. Unless it’s dark magic, his heart would never be corrupted or shattered beneath the unbearable weight of the world threatening to collide into him. I absolutely admire the fact that he’s phlegmatic and stoic, but could crack a joke (mostly through puns) and being ever so snarky. 

Sub-Zero: The Lin-Kuei are restored, Shang Tsung. Shang Tsung: I sense this is no amicable visit. Sub-Zero: How perceptive, sorcerer.

3. Hannibal Lecter; He is a quintessentially affable evil character, as he does genuinely have sincere regard for the other characters he interacts with. The events of the first season can be seen as the doctor's efforts first to make Will into his friend and get him to quit profiling in order to ensure he never captures Hannibal, and then deciding to betray Will and make him an enemy, because otherwise Will would ultimately capture Hannibal. Allowing Will's encephalitis to cloud his mind could similarly be seen as pre-emptive self-defence. He seems to display genuine regret for Will's incarceration and Abigail's murder, evil though he might be. Of course, in keeping with the source material, this is left deliberately ambiguous... and I also love the fact that he may be the most complex and enigmatic character in the cinematic universe. I absolutely love him also as the anti-villain, because he’s so subverted. The first season was crafted to lull the audience into developing a fondness for him before really springing the duplicity and mind games and worse, and eventually clarifying his depraved motives for what were earlier seemingly, possibly well-intentioned actions.

4. Anthony Edward Stark, aka Iron Man; As easy as it often looks to be Tony Stark—the success, the money, the endless array of awesome gadgets—the question of who, exactly, Tony Stark is as a person is more difficult to pin down. From movie to movie (and often even within a single film), no other character goes on as transformative a journey as Iron Man. The character arc, with the notion of a powerful man sunk beneath ever-agglomerated hubris, and from mocking Steve Roger (Captain America)’s valorization of nobility, that’s precisely what Tony does at the end of the Infinity War; from being in-denial of his panic attacks and personal traumas without having much compassion for the others to work with them to willing to work with others, humble about the scope of his abilities, and comfortable in his own skin for the first time since his first appearance—is what makes for such a fascinating journey indeed. 

Most importantly, Tony’s desire to build a family in his personal life, in his work, and the inevitable overlap between the two. The ultimate outsider, the one who used to look down on everyone, is now just trying to get the band back together and I believe even in the most heroic death of all, Tony has achieved them all. 

5. Darth Vader, aka Anakin Skywalker; The one who was strongly believed to be the Chosen One of the Force by the Jedi Order and developed from a lowly slave on Tatooine to a hero of the Clone Wars, but his promising career tragically did not last when his personal demons lured him into turning to the Dark Side and becoming known as Darth Vader. What’s most remarkable about this character arc is the fact that never do we see Vader’s face beneath the mask, but we can feel his anguish. It’s a transformation anchored by physicality and vocalization alone and I find that most unique and most difficult. Also, what makes Darth Vader so special to me is the depth of his character as he went from hero to villain to hero. 

[caps-clever-girl]

thoughts on endgame.

fair warning, i am not going to be kind. i enjoyed watching this movie, for the most part. it was funny; it had many good jokes and good, pure and well done interactions between multiple characters. but i didnt like it, and here are the reasons why.

unfortunately, this isnt a ‘nitpicky’ post. my main problems are with a lot of the bigger points points of the film, and had quite a few. this is a LONG post.

• “marvels first gay character!!!!!!!!!!!!” shut up. you joined the ‘fad’ late for brownie points and it was a cameo character who got about 3 lines. there are plenty of canon queer and gay characters who could have been introduced, either as cameos or in earlier films. dont even get me started on the fact that tony has more canon bi material than most others and marvel could have taken the time or even the slightest bit of effort to make this. while i enjoyed the jokes about steve being Incredibly Hot and his ass being Gods Gift To America (which honestly??? correct!) that could have been expanded on. several characters made comments about how nice steve’s ass is, and could have been used as actual material for a queer character, instead of sticking a random chharacter in there. i get the whole ‘gay people could be anyone! its normal!’ thing by giving the ‘role’ to a regular person, but you would also prove that by making any one of your 30+ main cast actually queer instead of making gay jokes and hints that could be retconned and explained away by humour.

• slapping someone out of a panic attack, and treating the panic attack like a joke. yeah, i get it, they didnt have a lot of time. still, come on. did iron man 3 teach you nothing? apparently not since tonys ptsd was pretty much never brought up again.

• speaking of thor. now, i am not an expert, but when a person gains weight, they do not keep their abs. certainly not after five entire years - not even asgardians. i also found it odd that thor became the way he did. i understand gaining weight and comfort eating after all the trauma thor went through losing his home and brother and people, i really do, but 1.) do it properly, at least, and 2.) thor is the leader of his people. does he want the task? not particularly. he hasnt wanted to be king since the first thor movie, but hes been forced into the role. even depressed i dont think thor would shy away from it, not completely. hes always wanted to do right by his people and i think that hed stuck to it, especially after The Snap backing him into a corner, if that makes sense. to clarify, i dont have a problem with chubby/fat thor. (IF done right instead of with weird, shitty cgi, that is.) i have a problem with the fact that thor, even though he doesnt want to be king, would abandon the last remanents displaced people to build a new home all on their own and become a hermit gamer boy. ESPECIALLY with valkyrie around. she’s been through a derpressive, alcohol fuelled time in her life and thor pulled her out of it. (mostly anyway, asgardians are party animals and im p sure she still gets trolleyed on the reg) i have bo doubt that after years of wallowing she would do her damned best to try and kick his ass out of it, even if it were just because his people need a leader, instead of letting him drop everything on her and just let him stew while new asgard gets on with it. i also didnt like the fact that all of thors emotional moments were treated as jokes and made to be funny when hes genuinely Fucked Up about eveything thats happening and made his image into a whiny crybaby.

• professor hulk. more of a personal one, this, simply because i just didnt like it. fair enough if y’all disagree on this one, im not going to fight it. i just never saw him wanting to combine himself with the hulk. ever. when he apleared on the screen i was completely blindsided, and his explanation, and the way he interacted with the kids????? i just want to know where all of this confidence suddenly came from. i use the term ‘suddenly’ loosely, since its been five years, but bruce has never been the guy to care about strength or looks or fame. hes always been shy and nerdy. not afraid to stand his ground or make his opinion known. hes bot a catchphrase, posing and flexing ‘hell yeah lets take a selfie’ guy. i get that thats maybe the result of the hulk and bruces combined personality but it just felt WEIRD to me, like, there wasnt a time in the film where i felt comfortable with the character. this was the final avengers film, with all of the original six avengers in it. but it didnt feel like that, it didnt feel like bruce or the hulk was in the film, even though there was a lot of funny and good moments with orofessor hulk, it felt like a stranger with some familiar characteristics. it ruined any feelings of nostalgia for me. i like bruce, and i like the hulk. i like the way their differences add to the story and the way they interact with eachother, and the slow change in their relationship. sorry if its petty but i prefer them seperate, theres just so much more to them for me.

• clint and natasha’s journey for the soul stone. both times, in infinity war and endgame, a male character and a female character went to get the soul stone. both times the male came back and the female died, and we lost possibly two most developed and main-line female characters in the entire mcu. now i understand the reasoning for both, and out of the characters that went there, i agree with the choice. thanos and gamora; it was thanos who was aware of the sacrifice and who chose to make it. gamora didnt get a choice and was unaware until it was too late. thanos was never going to die there. he knew there would be a sacrifice and chose to take gamora, because she would be the most likely sacrifice to actualky sucsesfully yield the soul stone because she was the most loved by him. i get it, but we lost gamora and i dont like it. clint and natasha; looking at it completely objectively, clint has a family, a wife and three children, that he wants to get back. natasha does not have any children, nor any (blood) family. if i had to choose, based on facts like that, id choose her too. but i still hate it, because there goes the only female member of the avengers. also, nebula (and i think maybe rocket?) KNEW that a sacrifice would be made and either accidentaly or deliverately left out the terms of aquiring the soul stone. it would have been easy to tell, if not easy to solve. but nothinb was said, and two best friends had to make a fucking awful and horrible choice when they might not have had to.

• on the ‘feminism’ tangent; the random congragation of women in the end scene??????? i dont????? okay so i am marking myself as a hypocrite here because i did love this scene!!! it made my lil gay heart go boom to see so many good and strong women all in one place - ESPECIALLY rescue - and it also made me realise how many women there actually are across the mcu??? which was really nice?? but it just felt... so forced? the way they ALL suddenly apleared and stood together even though they were all mixed in around the battlefield. it was a wonderful thought and i did enjoy it, but it seemed too Off and Odd to seem as much more than a bid for Feminism Brownie Points.

• captain marvel. i dont know about you, but i was actually looking forward to her being in the film. for a character so hyped to be the saviour of the avengers and the end of thanos, she was barely in the film. ‘i have other planets to save, the earth isnt the only one affected by thanos’ yeah but earth is the only plannet actively attacked by him. its where the people who are rallying to fight him and reverse what he did are. dont you want to stick around and help them? surely it would be a hell of a lot easier with your help, and faster too. yes, she blasted theough the ship at the end, but she did fuck all to help defeat thanos himself, and the help she did give with the ship came at the end. i genuinely think they kept her out of the movie because she was too powerful, and would have made fighting thanos etc too easy to get all the suffering and noble sacrifices in. if she had been a side character i dont think id be as mad, but she got a whole MOVIE in which she is clearly the start of the entire avengers initiative; she is their HISTORY!!!! she is so powerful!!!! and yet she has 5 mins of screen time!! it pisses me off that she was So Strongly implied to be the character the avengers NEEDED, the one that without whom it would be IMPOSSIBLE to defeat thanos; the woman that really tipped the scales in there favour, and yet she did fuck all. (and lets not even get started on the carol/rhodey and carol+tony bromance we COMPLETELY missed out on.)

• (speaking of bonding what the fuck happened to tony and nebula????? after they were rescued it was like they never met)

• the whole entire concept of time what the fuck!!! ‘dont change anything’ okay well for the most part you did okay, and the PLAN and CONCEPT was actually really easy to grasp, at least to me, which is hard when working with paradoxes and wibbley-wobbley timey-wimey stuff. but that went out the water when past!thanos and his army were brought into the future and disintergrated. does this mean they’re dead in the past - since they would have just. Left and not come back and therefore ceased to exist from that point???? or did tonys Snap simply send them back to their point in time, with no memory of what had occured? idk because it aint explained.

• speaking of; loki. again - his past changed; he managed to escape, with the tessarect. this is not explained nor expanded upon. assuming the events of thor 2 came about - which were impossible if he escaped - then his timeline would carry on as normal, and would PERHAPS explain the tessarects wacky timeline. (i dont know for certain, because i cant work it out anyway). but loki disspearing means he wouldnt have gone to trial on asgard, nor would he wouldnt have been in thor 2 - also by extention meaning that frigga is still alive. technically if he went back to get odin off the throne anyway, everything else after thor 2 involving loki/asgard would still come to pass. either way, we dont know. it was a nice way for endgame to give fans what we wanted; the posibility of loki coming back. but it doesnt make a lick of sense, and we have no idea if hes still alive/escaped or not, and why. personally i have no fucking idea and im pretty sure it was a cop out so they could give us what we wanted. which brings to my other point:

• giving the audience what we wanted. we got loki interaction. we got loki ‘escaping’ and ‘surviving’ (????) we FINALLY got rescue, who many fans have been asking for since i think iron man 2, and even more so since The Badass That Was Pepper Potts in im3. we got morgan stark and tony and pepper married, we got jokes about steves ass, and more jokes about male characters admiring how hot other male characters are. and, most importantly, we got tony having the nice relaxing life he wanted out in his cabin in the woods with his wife and kids (even if it was a horrific way of getting there). i dont quite know how to explain it, but to me it seemed like they were shoving as many ‘fan-requests’ into the film as possible - so that when they killed off 2 of the original 6, and removed another by ageing him out of use, they could lessen the backlash and justify the changes by going ‘but you got so mych that you wanted beforehand!!’. a tactic they drenhed us with because one of those 2 was a fan favourite that people were BEGGING not to be killed off because they felt that he hadnt recieved anywhere near the peace or happiness he deserved so far - and now never will. which brings me to:

• tony’s death.

there are two parts to this.

one, i was incredibly pissed off because strange’s Big Plan, the ONLY reason he saved tony in infinity war, was so tony could use the gauntlet and kill himself anyway later. anyone in that film could have used that gauntlet - and many wouldnt have suffered fatal injuries; captain marvel, steve, t’challa, peter quill to name a few possibilities - basically, anyone who is in anyway enhanced would have had a better chance of surviving and would have therefore been the better choice; aka, half the mcu. i think it was a proximity thing; tony was closest. he had the oppertunity and the others didnt. but tony didnt know about the option of using it until strange looked at him and gave him ‘the signal.’ the signal to sacrifice himself. and of course, this is tony stark. when is he ever going to refuse that.

but reason two, and this is the one that stings the most; tony started the mcu.

in my opinion, he is the character who has put the most in during the whole ten years. he, of ALL the characters, deserves his happy ending of marrying the love of his life and having a kid, without constantly fearing that hes foing to have them ripped away from him, that hes going to have to fight to the death to keep them safe.

one of my friends, when i complained about tony dying, said; “it was his time. plus, he had a legacy! with pepper and morgan, and the iron man name. how can you be upset?”

i can be upset because tony got the happiness he wanted after losing exactly 50% of what he held dearest. i can be upset because hawkeye got his family back, but tony only got five years with his wife and less with his kid, instead of getting the oppertunity to grow old with his wife and watch his kid go to collage like clint will. i can be upset because the character that has gone through the most trauma, both physically and mentally, who spent the last ten years trying to better the world and everything in it and protect it, who got the most shit for every decision he made and who ended EVERY SINGLE FILM with a broken limb or his face littered with bruises and cuts while every other film centric character ended the film usually scrape free, didnt get his happy fucking ending. sure, he has a legacy. but i dont give a shit, because that legacy - of iron man, of morgan and pepper and stark industries - would have been there whether tony was alive to see it flourish or not. but he wont be.

this goes beyond being a ‘tony stan’ or tony being my favourite character. out of every single character, from start to finish, anthony edward stark fucking deserved a happy ending and by god he deserved it the most. i will argue that until my end of days.

i watched tony stark on screen for ten years, and i watched him get progressively more scarred and fucked up. his parents. the ten rings. losing yinsen. obie. vanko and hammer. the palladium poisoning. new york; the nuke and the wormhole. the ptsd, the panic attacks. the iron legion and retirement attempt. killian and extremis and the end of that returement attempt. wanda’s vision. jarvis being destroyed. the accords and subsequent civil war. finding out about the winter soldier and his hand in his parents death. finding out that steve knew. siberia. struggling to balence iron man and the accords. losing peter. being stranded on titan, in space for weeks.

tony in that wheelchair, shaking and rail thin and unable to stand for more than a few moments will haunt me forever.

i watched him suffer for ten years - longer, even, in-universe - clawing for his quiet, happy ending while fighting for the happy ending he thought the rest of the world deserved, and instead of getting rewarded he just got beaten down and beaten down. after ten fucking hears of watching the backbone of the entire franchise get nothing but shit piled on him until he struggled to breathe for it, excuse me for thinking he woukd finally get the chance to crawl out from under it and be happy. no strungs attatched, no awful, sacrificial price to be payed, just for a man who had given so. fucking. much. to finally get something for once, and be allowed to keep it.

well i was wrong. and i feel so incredibly fucking stupid for even hoping otherwise.

and thats what i didnt like about avengers endgame.

[werehereandqueer]

Let’s Talk About Bi...oware

Now I’m not going to tell full-faced lies and say I don’t indulge in the game series from one of the most hated, and justifiably so, publishers of all time. Mass Effect and Dragon Age were my gateway games into the land of virtual and tabletop RPG’s if you don’t count Legend of Zelda (which I don’t). 

But even my intense love for these game series, I won’t sit here, cover my eyes and say “Bioware did nothing wrong!”. It could be argued that EA are the one’s more to blame, and I’ll be the one pointing that finger, but Bioware themselves aren’t faultless...but that isn’t to say they didn’t give us some good rep. So let’s give credit where it’s due and pick apart some examples of that.

Dragon Age: Inquisition

The third game in the titular series offers the most diverse rep within your circle of companions, some who stuck with me more than others.

Dorian Pavus proved to be one of the more ground-breaking characters--an openly gay mag from the land of Tevinter which isn’t a fan of that label. (Kenneth Shepherd wrote quite an interesting piece you can read here). His sexuality is a huge part of his character, and a point of conflict between him and his father. 

But he is written in a way so he has so much more to offer. Charming, witty, intelligent and suave as Gomez Addams (even sporting a ‘stache that’s just as awesome). Having not had the chance to play through Dorian’s romance, I can’t comment much on the route, though I did notice it had gained a lot of popularity. The only downside is this mod. It pained me to even google that. To add insult to injury, it advertised as a “bi” mod which is bad enough to start with, but it locks out male inquisitor’s from romancing Dorian when it’s installed. Just say it’s a straight mod, Karen, you coward. If that’e not enough, there’s also a bi Sera mod too, you know, the lesbian archer

The BioWare fandom has quite the reputation online, and it’s these kinds of people that are the cause. Even now as I’m writing the article, I’m fully expecting angry pterodactyl screeching in the reply section or ask box (I’m gonna take this op to politely ask people to remain cordial even if you disagree. My button will be hovering over the block and delete button with vigilance)

Some of the screeching, granted, is justified. Trespasser being exclusive to the current gen consoles, and containing plot-vital information was a dick move. And with EA pushing the envelope on their new IP game Anthem panic is spreading that Mass Effect might have the plug pulled on it.

And this is the perfect segway to talk about their other famous RPG series--Mass Effect!

Mass Effect

Mass Effect doesn’t seem to have as much controversy surrounding it, or maybe I’m just been lucky with the lack of ME discourse on my dash. There is still something to be said about the series though. One of most notable being the sexualised asari (just because this is a queer rep blog doesn’t mean misogyny gets a free pass from us). The asari are coded as a ‘monogendered’ alien race, able to conceieve children regardless of the race or gender of their partner. Want to know what this monogendered species looks like?

Yup, unfortunately they have fallen into the sci-fi trope of “green skinned space babe”, only difference being their skin violet/blue. The asari are highly-sexualised in the game, most working as dancers in seedy clubs

And a lot of NPC’s have some opretty creepy things to say about the asari.  Even Shep has some less than savoury things to say, such as in The Shadow Broker DLC

When I was playing the DLC for myself, I hadn’t romanced Liara, so the comment came off as even creepier. BioWare unfortunately has this annoying tactic of seeming to code Liara as the ‘canon’ romance. One line in particular sticks with me. When asked why Liara chose to hand Shepard over to Cerberus she said “I couldn’t let you go”. Romanced, this sounds fine, sweet even maybe. When not romanced, it seems to show signs of possessiveness, as though claiming ownership over someone she has no right to. I’d be very much interested to hear what Kaidan, my LI, would have to say about this.

Speaking of LI’s, that was something I found very lacking with the original Mass Effect. You had three choice: Ashley William, Kaidan Alenko, and Liara. Bioware wrongly assumed none of their player-base would want to get down and dirty with the likes of Garrus, a mistake rectified in later installments. What’s even worse is that both Ashley and Kaidan were coded as straight. If you’re a gay man, too bad I guess. It wasn’t until ME3 came out that Kaidan was made bisexual, but sadly Ashley remained straight. At the very least, BioWare can be given kudos for later adding more choices, and widening their range of LGBT characters. 

In ME3, we were given bi Kaidan, gay Steve Cortez, gay Samantha Traynor, bi Diana Allers and bi Liara, equaling out the amount of queer and het romance, thus offering more equality than other games. This shows growth, and proves to other companies that having LGBT characters doesn’t detract from a games success. Mass Effect’s original trilogy proved very popular. Even though Andromeda tanked, it had nothing to do with the representation. Granted, Andromeda was attacked for some representation, such as only one canonically gay male love interest. This goes to show, though representation has made leaps and bounds in progress, there is still room for improvement, and I hope games don’t stop producing games with queer romances. 

So who was your favourite romances? Who do you wish you could have romanced? How do you feel about BioWare’s representation? 

[words-are-my-medium]

Post-S2 ST Headcanons

This started out as headcanons I was writing down and then it just got so out of hand it turned into a semi-fic? It’s long and probably not great writing I’m sorry but I wanted to keep track of it here for myself at least so here (please don’t take this as an example of my actual writing quality because I would format this so much better if it wasn’t just a heacanon dump)

El-centric, pre-Byler/Byeler, Byers-Hopper family feels and headcanons galore, (probably overuse of commas galore too), kind-of a fic?

-So El is like… super not into studying. I mean she had a dictionary in her house for almost a year and she didn’t know the word “compromise”; girl’s been watching TV all day and learning words slowly and not entirely accurately through context. After the Snow Ball Hopper starts cracking down–she needs to start school (high school no less) in the fall of ‘85 and she’s got a lot of catching up to do.

-She HATES it, and the Party quickly realizes this, so they try to study with her and help whenever possible. Unfortunately they don’t succeed much: whenever Mike’s over El never wants to study; Lucas gets too impatient with her; Dustin makes a valiant effort to introduce her to the joy of curiosity voyages but it doesn’t work. Max, after being unfairly given the cold shoulder for quite a while, finally becomes friends with El and then becomes a HUGE distraction; El’s only friend who’s a girl (even if she’s not into pretty things like playing with makeup), why study when you can have special girls only friend time?

-So the Party’s pretty stuck, when surprisingly Will steps up and like magic, El tries super hard to be attentive and they start making progress! Mike is pretty sure there is some kind of guilt on El’s part regarding Will that’s contributing, but hey, whatever works. Will is actually a pretty good tutor it turns out, he’s really patient and intuitive, observant to what seems to work and what doesn’t, if not particularly gifted at teaching, and while El will probably never be an amazing student, she starts getting the hang of the basic subjects. (Except math, which she is shockingly good at–Max is convinced that her brain is actually a calculator, but El explains that math was easy because it was so exact: no complicated answers, just right or wrong, not a lot of words to get in the way. She’d quietly admitted to Mike once with a wry smile that numbers just made sense to her.)

-Hopper takes Will out for his birthday because Lonnie sucks and the kid loves his mother obviously and hey, Hopper doesn’t care if he’s sensitive or different or something else, he’s Joyce’s boy and a good kid, but it wouldn’t hurt to spend some time with a positive male figure again after Bob. In early May Joyce and Hopper start… not quite dating but everyone knows it’s just a matter of time. Jonathan and Will have already discussed what it might be like having El for a sister someday. They’re not sure if/when that might become official, but to the brothers she’s already joined their family and they’re both happy. (Jonathan immediately had a fondness for El, she’d saved Will and her “papa” was super shitty too, and his protectiveness and compassion kicked in and he was able to start bonding with her pretty quickly, to his surprise.)

The weekend after the 4th of July they are all hanging out at the cabin, trying to cram in as much as possible as the fall and upcoming school year draw nearer. They’re eating leftover watermelon and Max is teaching them her patented seed-spitting technique, though Will is still helping El finish the part of the lesson they’re on and he loves that he can help, but he wants to kinda hang out too and El realizes this, of course.

El leans in to kiss him on the cheek and thank him because she genuinely appreciates his patience with her so much and she knows it’s taking time away from other stuff he could be doing to tutor her, he’s such a good friend and a sweet person and El is so happy having him in her life, in her family even, but at that exact moment Dustin nails Will in the side of the head with a watermelon seed and Will whips around to face his attacker, and El ends up planting it right on his mouth.

Everyone gasps and freezes and El breathes in sharply and tenses, but Will just kinda sits there wide-eyed for a minute before bursting out laughing. El’s face is a mix of fear and shame and she’s turning red, and everyone else is kind-of hesitantly looking at Mike. He isn’t sure how to react because yeah, his… girlfriend(?) just kissed his oldest friend but it was completely an accident, obviously not intended, and rather than being mad he’s kind of having a sudden anxious realization that wow, okay, that was not something he ever expected to see but uh, it wasn’t… wasn’t bad because El is pretty and Will is cute and he–um, okay yes he did just think Will is cute?! He’s having a violent bi awakening panic attack and omg why is Will laughing this is so awkward Mike’s turning into a tomato to match El why–

“Will, is… are you okay?” Dustin asks carefully, afraid he’s just set into motion a chain of events that made his friend go insane, because Will is practically rolling on the floor by now, and Will manages to stop just enough to gasp “I’m going to have to tell everyone who ever asks for the rest of my life that my first kiss was with my sister,” and Lucas spits his drink out all over Dustin and Max and then there’s an uproar of laughter and yelling and El is apologizing frantically and Will is wiping tears of laughter from his eyes and Mike is just standing there frozen and beet red and kind-of?? more than a little upset that El kinda just stole Will’s first kiss?!

-When everyone finally goes home Will and El stay (because Joyce and Hopper were out somewhere together so she’s picking him up when they get back), and they both kinda sit for a while comfortably in silence until Will knowingly asks if she’s okay and El admits she’s sad because Max explained that apparently first kisses are important and El’s sorry she ruined Will’s. Will assures her instantly she didn’t, it was an accident anyway and then goes quiet for a moment before “I’ll tell you a secret, El, don’t tell anyone else, but I don’t wanna kiss girls anyway, so it doesn’t count, it was only a technical first kiss, my official first kiss has to be with a boy so you didn’t ruin it at all.”

And El is so relieved because she never talks about it to anyone but she knows, knows everything bad that happened to Will is her fault, but now he’s her brother and her friend and she loves him and her new family and though she hates it, the truth is she wouldn’t take it all back, opening the gate, even if she somehow was able to, so she just has to try her hardest to make sure he’s happy and safe from now on.

-This is how Will Byers comes out (because confirming with Jonathan what Jonathan has always kinda known doesn’t count, he’s never had to hide who he is from Jonathan so it’s not “coming out”, he was never “in” when it comes to his brother). El is the perfect person because she doesn’t know how to hate, not for reasons like this; she accepts him immediately and that’s what he’s been so worried about, after everything Lonnie and the kids at school have ever said he’s been too scared to even tell his mother, let alone the boy he likes. And suddenly Will’s crying in her arms and El’s become a sympathetic crier so then they’re both crying and El starts crying harder because maybe she was wrong again and it’s not okay, obviously, if Will’s still sad? And that’s how Hopper and Joyce find them, hugging and crying their eyes out and the adults are so bewildered.

-The Byers get in the car to go home after they finally calm down (and Will assures El everything’s fine several times with hugs), and Joyce doesn’t even have to ask, she just gives him a concerned look and Will looks out the window to hide his face and takes a deep breath before he quietly admits, “I was crying because I told Jane I’m gay and she didn’t bat an eyelash, she just accepted me.”

-Joyce immediately pulls the car over and unbuckles her seat belt and leans over and hugs Will so tight, and he screws his eyes shut so he doesn’t see her face but he can hear her murmur “Sweetie, I have been waiting for you to accept yourself,” and suddenly a weight he didn’t even realize he’d been carrying is gone.

The remainder of the summer Will and El become closer than ever, while Mike strangely becomes frequently absent to Party events. One day in mid-August Mike visits El alone while the others are out seeing Back to the Future for the second time (because Dustin and Lucas started an argument about time travel mechanics after the first time and forced Will and Max to come again while they rewatch for research) and he’s only there 15 minutes before she quietly asks “Are you mad I kissed Will because I’m supposed to kiss you?”

Mike shakes his head furiously like a wet dog and assures her of course he isn’t, it was an accident and he’s over it, it’s been over a month, El, “I practically forgot about it already”, but she just looks at him thoughtfully and then her eyes widen the tiniest bit and she asks again, “Are you mad I kissed Will because you wanted to kiss Will?” and Mike’s face drains of color so fast it’s like he’s in a cartoon.

“What?! No, I–” he starts unconvincingly, his voice raising into a panicked shrillness, but interrupts himself, “Steve told you, didn’t he, or I mean he told Dustin who told you, or something, whatever, somehow it was that douchebag, wasn’t it? I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him, ‘master of romantic advice’ my ass!”

El is very confused but lets Mike rant about Steve Harrington being an untrustworthy jerk for a full five minutes before finally grabbing his hand and shaking her head. “Nobody told me anything. You seemed mad. So if you’re not mad about me then it’s about Will, right?”

And then Mike is very embarrassed because obviously Steve wouldn’t have said anything, he’s practically Dustin’s older brother now, but he can feel the “friends don’t lie” coming so he’s screwed anyway.

“Okay, fine, maybe I might have thought about it a little but… it’s because I think I might like boys too.”

“Like? Like you want to kiss?” El’s mental gears are turning and Mike nods, “Yeah, I still want to kiss girls but maybe boys too, Steve said it’s… that I don’t have to pick only one. Some people like both.” (Bisexual is much too complicated a term and Mike’s still not entirely convinced Steve didn’t make it up.)

-A light bulb goes off in El’s brain and she thinks hard for a minute before she says, “If you want, we don’t have to kiss anymore so you can try to kiss a boy,” and Mike’s eyebrows almost shoot clean off his head, but he looks at her carefully and sees she’s sincere and not upset, and for the first time he sees her solely as the girl she’s become, not the Eleven he first met nearly two years before, so quietly he just says “If that’s what you want, El.”

She nods but then narrows her eyes at him, “You’ll still like me as a friend?” and he smiles warmly and nods, “I’ll always like you as a friend, El, no matter what, even if it’s not the kissing kind of like,” and El’s heart jumps because maybe it is possible, maybe she’s really this lucky, she can keep all the good things she’s gained and still make Will happy too.

“But don’t tell anybody else I like boys, okay El?” Mike adds suddenly, and El nods, a smile creeping onto her face. El keeps her promises and tells nobody anything, but for the few weeks remaining in the summer, she occasionally wears a satisfied little smile, the cause of which even Max can’t get out of her.

-In the fall of ‘85 the kids all start high school, El a little nervous but feeling prepared thanks her friends and family (especially Will), and Will finally confident, at least a little, because he’s accepted himself and he’s got the best family ever and if anyone gives him shit, his future step-dad is the chief of police and his sister can break arms (and worse) with her mind and they all accept him too and love him no matter what. (He’s pretty sure the rest of his friends will too, but he promised himself that he wouldn’t tell them he’s gay until he told Mike first, because Will’s realized that’s been a long time coming and now’s as good a time as any since El told him vaguely about their “breakup”; Will knows he’s single and hasn’t had a chance to develop a crush on anyone else yet. He owes it to his best friend to be honest, and well, if Mike breaks his heart, [which he’s mostly expecting, tbh] Will believes at least he’ll still be his friend, and he’ll move on. Eventually.)

El is so happy when the complete Party meets for the first time in front of the school on the first day, finally all together in the open, and she doesn’t miss how her two closest friends look at each other. This will be a good year, El thinks.

[stillellensibley]

The Noise In-Between: An Interview With Ivan Seal

Declan Tan talks memory, meaning, and material with Berlin-based artist and Caretaker collaborator, Ivan Seal

Ivan Seal, adultery bi prenontspliver, 2015

Memory. It’s a funny old thing. And for Berlin-based artist Ivan Seal, memory isn’t only funny – you can throw in beguiling, banal, totally enthralling and infinitely alluring while you’re at it. That’s because it’s this central subject of memory that underlines Seal’s ‘endless alphabet’, a series of paintings – imagined scenes and remembered objects made using no reference materials except for his own grey matter, and the canvases themselves – in a project spanning over six years, with no signs of fading like the neurons that imagined them.

With this style and method, Seal has struck deep into a vein of psychological, nigh on neuro-exploratory art, an intersection where figurative and abstract combine and bloom out like a billowing mushroom cloud of possibility and meaning. But to attempt to explain or classify his work would kind of miss the point.

I first came to Seal through his collaboration with fellow Stockport export, the experimental electronic producer and underground darts maestro Leyland James Kirby (a.k.a. V/Vm), creating the artwork for the latter’s Caretaker project – itself a study of memory and the effects of dementia.

The mysterious hunk of clay, with its single baffling matchstick, sat on the sleeve of An Empty Bliss Beyond This World compelled me to seek him out. And discovering that he’s down the road from me on this now foreign continent (a long-ish road, given), we ducked into a café to discuss where this all grew from.

Over a cortado he settles into the weighty Chesterfield, a kind of fizzing energy coming off him – not just from the coffee. We’re only 1pm and he says he’s already completed a painting today, and worked on several others.

The conversation soon branches out, like one of his paintings, taking in everything from D&D to teaching at the Royal College of Art – in fact, I feel like I get so much material that I completely forget my laptop on the café table, only realising what I’ve done three U-Bahn stops away in a total panic. By the time I’ve switched platforms and sprinted back, cursing (almost crying, if I’m honest) into my elbow bends that it’s happened again, £1,000 dropped, I find the table occupied only by a young German family sharing creamy cakes. The staff haven’t seen it either. It’s gone. Very quickly one of my dream interviews becomes a nightmare.

I think back through the interview. I remember pointing out early that, in terms of subject matter, we’ve had some overlapping interests. I mention that I caught one of his online video interviews, in which he begins proceedings by discussing LSD and ecstasy, apropos of very little. It seems a good a place as any to kick us off. It occurs to me that the mystifying aspect of Seal’s work might stem from that percolation of substances into his often-surreal painted dramas. I dig right in with a favourite Kubrick quote to see where he stands: “Drugs are basically of more use to the audience than to the artist.”

“When you get into your own thing,” he says “then you realise that that can give you a deeper, longer and more frustrating hit. Imagine taking something which has a highly addictive property in it – which for me is making art. It’s something which is not maybe the wisest of life choices – but you keep coming back to it. I didn’t paint for years and then I started painting again when I was 31 or something, and in that found the addiction again. I had that before but gave up painting – for the wrong reasons, I think.”

It was his Sheffield art college tutor Steve Dutton who suggested artists can tackle the problems within painting with any medium. “It doesn’t actually have to be paint. And I still believe in that.” Venturing into installation and then sound, it took Seal ten years to return to the canvas. “I see it as a journey to get back to a moment where you ask yourself, what do you actually want to do? But I think that moment needs working towards and it took a long time, to ask what action has the promise of satisfaction somewhere in it? And I thought the last time that happened was when I used to paint. So I started painting again.”

But he found that painting re-uptake somewhat inhibited. For about four years, he found himself painting over paintings, again and again. “I had about ten paintings, and they’d all be ten not-so-great paintings. But it was more about opening that doorway and slowly getting in – because I didn’t know what to paint.

“Over-painting and over-painting and over-painting – it all felt very academic in a way. Then I was advised to just get a lot of canvases or paper, and just do a lot, rather than try to make some bloody masterpiece. That’s advice you give students when you notice they’re constantly polishing a turd, and it happened to me.” Arriving at this moment himself, Seal had an epiphany. “That’s when I first kind of came to this idea of the disaster, the catastrophe which is inherent in a blank canvas, blank page, or a blank file in front of you. You’re only going to ruin it, but for some reason you have this urge to ruin and you start with that.”

Ivan Seal, allchav tart, 2016

For Seal, the whole activity of painting is entangled with a notion of failure – “a notion of struggle. And struggling with your own failings until something works. I don’t paint from photographs or objects. I constantly return to that moment of blank canvas and ruining it, and coping with it.”

For the first piece of this series, he wanted to paint something: not somewhere, not someone, “because I wanted the somewhere and the someone to be in something. Then I thought, then I’ll paint something that’s kind of nothing, in a way.”

He had been reading a story called The Golem. “It’s this idea that comes from Jewish fables. You have this lump and you form it into a little person and it does things for you. But if it doesn’t have this sticker on its forehead – which I think translated is ‘truth’ – then it just does its own will. And for me, this notion you have something, you create something, but it’ll in turn to attack you and destroy you, seemed very apt to painting.”

It must have been hard to predict how that base material, painted on canvas, would transform into an unending project. “Clay is where a lot of art comes from, a very basic form. I knew I wanted to paint a lump of black clay, but I didn’t want it to be somewhere that was ‘located’. In art, you put things on plinths, like a stage – so I put literally a lump of clay on a plinth in paint. Then I painted a match in it. Suddenly I had drama. And I’ve been working on that series since. In some senses, the action is utterly banal, and the intent is absolutely banal, but there’s the same point which holds, I feel, countless opportunities for somebody to look at it, and for somebody to interpret.”

Now Seal produces this work at an astonishing rate. “Some of them are very small,” he says, now upstairs in the studio, “then other ones I could be working on for like a year. Constantly going back to them.”

This approach means he has twenty or more canvases on the go at any one time, spread across two rooms in what used to be his apartment. They’re stacked up by the dozen in a storage room. The only noticeable piece not by his own hand is a painting of a bridge and town by his grandfather, a source of inspiration for many of his colours, Seal says.

“Rather than having one singular moment, painting like this works more like a brain,” he says as we stroll across the bare floorboards. “It works more like how you think. The studio somehow becomes an active way of thinking, a big head which I’m stepping into every day and basically poking around, like your own head works when you’re thinking about stuff.” He pauses.

“You can’t trust any memories at all, can you? Because it’s all glitched. It’s all nonsense in a way.”

Ivan Seal, the pot complains, 2016

Painting in this way is a meandering thought process, “but whilst moving your hand – and it’s somehow about making this distance between your hand and the head as short as possible.

“That’s what I’ve always loved about improvised music, the immediacy. It’s not people dicking about, it’s just thinking on a really hyper-fast level. Each move is very quick, it’s not like I’m executing tiny bits, and it’s very laboured.” He crouches down and picks roughly at the paint as if to illustrate his point.

“But I’m shifting paint around as well, taking paint off, putting it on, taking it off again. Then you often look at the paintings – and you don’t get this if you look at them online – if you see them physically, the paintings have a lot of scars on them, all over. You can see bits where something else was there, and I’ve just worked through. Instead of trying to illustrate something, I wanted the actual action of painting to be ‘it’.”

“It’s like you concentrate on one thing and you’ve got all this other information coming in,” he continues, “and that stains it. That alters the taste of it, recreates it – like that notion of glitch. They create errors in it. These painted objects are like a sum of these errors and glitches and that’s why there’s a hell of a lot of thick overpainting of things. A lot of the time I’ll start with something and then start layering paint on to cover up my tracks, or to cover up something too personal. Because that’s what we do.”

Ivan Seal, auxch noise reduced, 2016

For the last half a decade or more, he’s been evolving this idea that the action of painting becomes very close to the errors of how we think, or how you remember something – a kind of psychology of painting. “I always have to be careful,” he says. “When you talk about memory, people always think of the romantic idea. But memory is also the memory of meeting you now, or the memory of the Apotheke front window I saw this morning, with these horrible straw faces in. But each time the memory is glitched.”

“If you put the original event next to the memory, they’d be totally different. And I love this noise in-between, what you’ve gone through, your life. And trying to put it down somehow, or trick time somehow by activating it, and I find this noise, this glitch, has countless potentials and paintings in it.”

“Art is always working from memory,” he says. “It’s all questions of – even if you’re painting from something directly in front of you – it’s about that distance to inside you and then out. Like a loop. It’s about what you can do with that and how you pervert it.”

The son of a butcher and a ballroom dancer, Seal finds there are subjects and figures he naturally returns to, as a way of understanding them. His dramas are now more likely to be populated with gesturing porcelain figurines and mysterious, metamorphosing clays transforming like waking dreams from one form into another, as if consuming themselves.

“I don’t want to paint them but I do,” he says of the porcelain pieces – like dusty abandoned objects on some wooden-veneered, fat-back cathode ray TV from the 80s. “And they’re personal things. I can understand them, but they’re more like starting points. The dancers in my paintings are often like that, something I’m familiar with and just somehow know or have a warming to – and that’s the vehicle to get to other things.”

Ivan Seal, syntaksipolontian klapis, 2015

At several points in the conversation, like this, Seal drops a register and explains candidly his suspicion of painting, and of painters. It’s clear he takes his work seriously, but not this romantic ideal of ‘the artist’.

“Images are constantly telling us how to think. If you create, you’re involved in something which rather than saying ‘think this’, you can say ‘think with’. Then the process of looking at the work, I hope, is close to the process of making it. Because it’s just something to use and then to make your own sense of, in the context of your own life and your own memories, and everything which went from being born to being stood right in front of it. All that comes into it, so why not use it.

“As soon as you look at a painting, you’re decoding. But the actual decoding becomes something which becomes immersive. But I don’t want it to be ambient. I have a problem with that ‘drugginess’ of ambience and this ‘letting go’. I want the paintings still to be active. Like this thing that this collaborative outfit Farmers Manual said once: you’re building something to a certain point until you cease to be the makers and you become the audience. That’s how I see the painting, as soon as I get to that point when I’m pushed out as the artist, the maker, that romantic idea, and suddenly I’m just back into being, looking, thinking: ‘Who the hell are you?’ That’s when I know it’s hit on something that it shouldn’t have, and it’s good to go out the door.”

I ask him about his rough handling of the canvas as he crouches down and peels something off a corner. “I don’t think you can ruin a painting,” he laughs, looking up. “There’s always opportunity for them. Even if you’ve terrorised it, or you think you’ve destroyed it, it’s just another opportunity. It’s just another thing to improvise with.”

You’ve never destroyed a canvas? “No, I don’t destroy canvases. I often get to a point where it’s terrible, and then something very quick can happen and you finish it within a couple of hours.” He stands: “Someone asked Philip Gusten, how do you know when a painting’s finished? He said, ‘It stops staring at me.’ And there’s something in that. Work is something you just know.

“Often one talks about truth of material in arts. They say if you make a sculpture out of clay then you have a truth to material, it has all these thumb prints and how the material actually works. But with painting, the truth of the material is its lies. It’s a lying thing. It says ‘I’m this’, but it isn’t.”

He segues quickly into ‘making art’ versus ‘showing art’. “Those are two very different things,” according to Seal. “You can have your reasons to make art, but you’ve got to have your reasons to show art. For me, that was about creating an opportunity where people can all leap, with just this thing on the wall. I like its economy of means. I like that it’s minimal in a way.”

Economy of means. The words ring in my ears. Back to that laptop, now three stops from the café and counting. I think to call up Ivan and ask if he saw the Macbook. I think no, actually, that’s not a good way to end an interview. Now I see my wife’s face in my mind’s eye. She will fully murder me, I’m convinced (I left another one on a bus in Leipzig only six months ago).

It takes a further thirty minutes of cursing into my elbows and at my shoes stood on the now-rush hour U-Bahn to get back to the flat, as the hope of the silver flaps still charging somewhere at home quickens my crepe soles across the dusk snow-slush. I try to grasp firmly onto the memory of it in the café but each time the laptop slips away, the train carriage glitches. Was it ever there? How did I just walk off, leaving it behind? How did I get so swept up in the discussion. Easily, I think. It’s a price to pay for the interview. It’s fine.

I charge into the living room, and there it is. Full battery.

Memory. It’s a fucked, banal, funny old thing.

[i-the-hell-is-bvcky]

Hello! I've got two simple (yet hard) questions to ask you: -What is your Top 5 favorite fanfics you've wrote and why? -What is your Top 5 favorite fanfics from other writers and why? You can do more than 5 recs if you want to.

Hi there! This is such a good ask, sorry I may not be replying in time this isn’t my main blog and I never get asks here.

My top five fics I’ve written

1.) Taking the Night Off

This one was so much fun to write because I got to write Chris Evans as a dad and it killed my ovaries

2.) Just Give Me a Call

This one is from a favorite show of mine that has been cancelled called Pitch. The two main characters have amazing chemistry and the girl has a panic attack and she calls her grumpy captain/friend/future lover to help calm her down. Smut happens and I thought it was hot so *shrugs*

3.) Unexpected

This is my baby. This was the first fanfic I ever wrote and it’s about a favorite athlete of mine. I’m still not done with it #yikes

4.) Off Limits

Forbidden sexy times with Bucky?! Sign me tf up!

5.) Work From Home

Couch sex with Bucky. Need I say more?

There’s a bunch of other little things I’ve written but these I think are my favorite

Now, for the fic recs! I have a bunch that aren’t MCU but I’ll stick to the MCU since that’s what this blog is about and most of them are smutty (surprise, surprise)

1.) The Game

SO I’m  NOT straight (bi) and a threesome where I get to insert myself with Steve Rogers and Natasha Romanov??? LOoOoOord have mercy

2.) By Royal Decree

This was such a cute drabble series that was never finished by the writer unfortunately. Bucky is a prince who is arranged to marry you, a princess from another kingdom. Arranged marriage tropes are what I LIVE for.

3.) Krasavchik

Hot, smutty winter soldier sex with Russian words *fans self* I’m a sucker for this kind of stuff

4.) What If

A threesome with Sebastian and Chris?! Kill me I can’t even imagine what that would be like. Plus it’s so well written so what’s not to love

5.) The Test

Lazy morning sex with Sebastian as he makes you remember dirty Romanian words, definitely a favorite of mine

I hope I answered your question well! Thanks so much! :D