#staying in IMs now until I fall asleep
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mentioned before I havent felt any tangible significant benefit from meds yet which is fine bc it takes a while to kick in but one small good thing i have noticed so far is even when I get little sleep I feel less tired when I wake up
I don't feel completely incapacitated and in need of being in bed all day, fighting off the urge to nap, to recharge.
I also 1. actually get "Sleepy" now... instead of just feeling very hollowly "Tired" and like i Should be going to bed to try to sleep even though I don't feel like it, because it's about time to be doing that I guess, leading to tossing and turning for 3 hrs before finally succumbing to sleep.
and 2. I actually doze off. Instead of forcing self to try and initiate sleep...this has only ever happened during my rare Naps where im so tired that sleep puts me down by force. Never in actual night time sleep setting... im like dropping my phone and struggling to stay awake sometimes now. At night!!!
None of this is in any of the results I've seen for the medication so i dont even care if its some weird placebo somehow 😭 im jst glad its happening
#talkys#a week before i started taking it i had one day where i just never felt ''sleepy'' despite taking 2 melatonin#and feeling very Tired so i just didnt fall asleep. and then when night came again I still went to bed at 5 am and struggled to fall asleep#now we get to 3 am and my body is like ok start wrapping it up im sleepy i want to go to bed i want to go to bed#last nite i didnt fall asleep until 6 am but that was because I forced self to stay awake for comms + got engrossed in phone#time and also the dogs kept howling outside. i woke up at 12pm and did I feel tired? yeah#does the tiredness feel like extreme pain behind my eyes and a hollow aching empty head that keeps me from moving? it does not...!#its like in the very back of my mind...its present but not demanding all my time#in college i would go thru a daydream to fall asleep and i wouldnt even make it to the end before i dozed off#that hasnt worked in years and now its working again
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a friend who'd wait :)
#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops.#and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can!#and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol#finn's ocs#finn's art#i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me#and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun#i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here:#barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past#he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it#he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned#which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them#they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore#but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird#and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place#though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library#and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together#since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door#eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement#barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time.#barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate#but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd#he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself#but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done.#and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies.#and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them)#and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances''#from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov#sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3#but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh
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the tiredness is really getting in the way of me doing things
#i slept 9 hours and ive done nothing all day#but i feel like i have been digging for hours or sth#last night i decided to watch a video on yt that was like 50 minutes and i started falling asleep not even halfway through#it was only midnight#a couple weeks ago i could stay awake until like noon with no problem and now its 8pm and im struggling to keep my eyes open#what is happening#jo says stuff#personal ramblings
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.
#vent#vent post#cw negative#Seven’s Public Diary#wish i wasn’t so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#i’m so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i don’t like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but it’s like my body was fucking built for that or something#i don’t like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didn’t need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didn’t get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap would’ve been fine and i would’ve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and i’ll either give in and attempt to take a ‘nap’ and it’ll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or i’ll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and i’ll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i don’t know how much longer they’re gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think that’d like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. i’m addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc it’s all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnesses’ symptoms#like a soft reset.#and it’s the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) that’s enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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today was good :)
#tara says stuff#some of my family came to visit from out of state#i got to meet my cousins fiancee#the five of us ate under together and now im staying with them at their hotel for the evening#my bed is uncomfortable and i cant sleep but its okay#i probably wouldnt have been able to anyways#ive not been falling asleep until like. 5-7am ish#but anyways yeah#im happy to be w them#i dont get to see my other family members often#so its nice to be with them
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mmm read a hurt/comfort Zoro fic recently and like. I get it now. That guy DOES hurt so pretty. kinda wanna try my hand at it.
-
A voice disappeared.
Zoro stopped in his tracks, feet rooted to the spot.
Who was it? Where? How-?
Just barely, he managed to block a blade aiming for his neck.
Luffy was ahead of him, laughing his head off. The cook was a bright flaming beacon in the sky.
The rest? C'mon take a count, Zoro. Make sure.
Usopp. Nami. Chopper. Jinbei. Robin. Cook. Luffy.
What? Two? No, where were-
His breath hitched as he blocked another attack.
Calm down. Take a breath. Count again.
Usopp. Nami. Robin. Cook. Luffy.
Fuck. They couldn't-
No, they had to have left the battlefield. These guys were smallfry, even for the so called "weakling trio".
Zoro took a moment to focus on the enemy around him. He let off a tatsumaki before focusing again.
One at a time, Zoro. Come on.
Usopp.
Robin.
Sanji.
Zoro jerked, eyes wide and searching frantically.
"No, no no no no no. He can't have-" Luffy would never leave before the battle was done, not without making some kind of grand exit. He wouldn't leave without telling Zoro- telling anyone- about it.
He wouldn't up and disappear into thin air like that. Not unless-
Zoro shook his head roughly. They were fine, he just couldn't see them. It would be too much of a coincidence for them all to disappear like that. He just needed to count again, then regroup with Usopp, Robin, and the cook, and figure out what was going on.
Stay calm, Zoro. Losing your head won't find your friends.
So, again, Zoro breathed. And Zoro counted.
Usopp.
The only voice left, was Usopp.
Zoro wasted no time.
He sprinted as fast as he could, cutting down anyone in front of him almost as an after thought, as he bulldozed towards Usopp's voice.
He'd nearly made it too, when some dead man kicked his side hard enough to stop him in his tracks.
Zoro turned to him, a snarl on his face. "Get out of my way before I kill you."
"Huh?" The man sneered. "I should be saying the same thing, watch where you swing those swords, asshole."
Zoro was about to retort when he noticed Usopp's voice moving away from him. He didn't have time for this.
Without warning, Zoro moved to slice through his opponent and, to his surprise, the man blocked it with ease.
"You wanna go? Here and now?" the man growled. "I'll kick your fucking ass."
This man- Zoro has never met him before, but nonetheless felt he would need to pay him his full attention to have a chance at winning.
But Usopp was getting farther and farther-
Oh, Zoro could hit himself.
"USOPP!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, startling the man. "STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE, I'LL BE THERE SOON!"
Usopp didn't respond, but he stopped moving, and that was good enough for now.
"Hey!" The man yelled, pressing down on Zoro's swords. "Whatever you need him for can wait until after our battle's over. He's got his own problems to deal with."
Zoro didn't bother wasting his breath. He cut and slashed, throwing attack after attack without abandon. It didn't matter if he was wasting his energy, he needed to get to Usopp before- before-
The man, infuriatingly, blocked almost every blow, and got a few hits in on Zoro himself.
Zoro would get to Usopp, even if it killed-!
Suddenly, there was a crackle in the air and all at once, Zoro's nerves lit up with pure unfiltered pain.
He dropped to his knees, blurry vision wavering on black shoes. He couldn't feel his arms. Or his face. And his head was getting lighter and lighter.
Zoro's fading thoughts were prayers, to a god he didn't believe in, to keep his friend safe.
-
"GYAHHH, ZORO'S GONNA KILL ME!"
"Nami-swan, a little help please?" Sanji said, voice uncharacteristically strained.
"If you're asking, how can I say no?" Nami said, smirking. "Get out of the way... now!" The moment Sanji pushed off Zoro's swords to hop away, she brought down her Thunderbolt Tempo on top of Zoro. He fell to his knees before crumbling to the ground, twitching.
"You could've knocked him out on your own though, why ask for my help?" Nami asked.
"Ah well, it seemed he had a couple screws loose and I didn't want to kill what little braincells were remaining." Nami nodded in understanding.
The two of them turned to Usopp as he inched his way closer. He carefully prodded Zoro's thigh with his boot. "He's really unconscious, right? Not gonna get up anytime soon?"
Nami shrugged. "It's always hard to tell with him. But don't worry," -she stood tall, holding out her Climatact- "I'll shock him as many times as necessary."
"That means I get to live another day, so you have the Usopp deal of approval." Usopp gave her a thumbs up.
"What'd you even do to get him so pissed at you, Usopp?" Nami asked.
"Nothing!" He paused and looked away. "Well, nothing recently."
"He wasn't just mad," Sanji said. "He looked..." Scared, Sanji wanted to say. But the word was so... simple. Too simple. And it didn't explain the desperation in his eye. The wet sheen. The way he hardly blinked.
The way he kept himself facing the direction Usopp was in, revealing his constant use of Haki.
This wasn't just Zoro scared. This was Zoro terrified.
And Sanji had never seen him terrified before.
"...off," Sanji settled on, furrowing his brow. "He looked off."
Nami and Usopp hummed in thought.
The three of them stared down at Zoro's prone body. An ominous dark puddle started growing under him.
The three of them sighed.
"I'll call Chopper-" Usopp felt a tug on his ankle. He looked down. Zoro's hand was holding his boot. "I thought you said he was unconscious!" he yelled, trying to break his grip unsuccessfully.
Sanji poked Zoro with his shoe. Zoro didn't move. "He's still unconscious, so you're gonna have to be his teddy bear."
"What?! No!" He gripped onto Sanji's shirt. "Sanji-kun pleaaaaase free me before my ankle's crushed in his sleep!"
Sanji rolled an eye. "You'll be fine."
"Then can you go get Chopper? Zoro's losing a lot of blood."
"The mosshead'll be fine too. Also," -Sanji pointed to Luffy and Chopper doing some kind of strange combo attack, with Chopper in Heavy Point using Luffy as a whip- "I don't wanna break up their fun."
"Sanji-kun," Nami piped up. "Go get Chopper, please."
"Of course, Nami-swan!" Sanji immediately ran off.
-
The two of them quietly watched him go.
"Did you see what caused this?" Usopp asked.
Nami shook her head. "I know about as much as you do: Zoro suddenly taking out a big group at once and then charging towards you." She bit her lip. "I don't think he recognized Sanji."
Usopp sighed, squatting down to pull the bandana from green hair. He stared at the slackened face of his friend, hands tightening in dark fabric.
"What happened to you, Zoro?"
#one piece#roronoa zoro#nemo the writing ho#oh crap i think i accidentally started a multi-chapter when i meant o write a drabble aaaaa#the gist of this is. devil fruit or marine weapon or something. fucks with zoros head. so he thinks his crew has disappeared one by one#and its like. a subtle thing. which is why nobody notices until Zoros bulldozing toeards Usopp#tbh i have no clue where to go from here i just wanted to cause him some hurt#ack. this has not enough zoro pain#ah well. late night drabbles are. well. late night drabbles.#ohhh perhaps. perhaps even after this whole thing is resolved. zoro has hella trouble sleeping.#bc hes afraid he'll fall asleep and he eont be able to hear his friends voices anymore#so he takes as many night watches as possible. he doesnt take naps anymore. stays up even without having watch#all this just to obsessively check and recheck his Haki.#and then visit each and every one of them to confirm with his own eye that they were still here. still alive#haha yeah. itd probably take awhile to be comfortable enough to sleep again#maybe the only way he feels safe to do so at first is to be in a huge pile with his friends sleeping on or around him#oh fuck now im making myself hella sad#okay thats enough for tonight its bed time
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sometimes i wish people could properly understand why i apologize for falling asleep before or during a conversation
#‘its okay’ no it isnt#its not okay#because if i fell asleep before talking to you that means i missed out on talking to you#and now ive talked to you less than i want to#and i barely get to talk to you as is#so ‘its okay theres next time / right now’ yeah but i missed THAT TIME#and then what if they end up not replying until the day later?#i have to go so long without talking to one of my favorite people#and then that ruins my whole mood because its that theyre one of the few people who actually keep me happy#and are the reason im still getting through this shit#so what am i supposed to do going what would be practically 2 days without talking to that person??#its not their fault#it isnt mine but it feels like its mine#because i know i couldve stayed up#if i would if sat up instead of laying down#took the blankets off so i wasnt warm and comfortable#i’d be freezing and uncomfortable so i wouldnt be able to fall asleep#and i know that#but i stayed comfortable anyway#so that makes it my fault
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he's so cute
#ooc#/muns w.i.ps#cw; eye horror#cw; multiple eyes#just in case-#i tried going to sleep but couldnt fall asleep so now im staying up until im back on a normal schedule
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not doing good. at all
#purrs#today and yesterday ive been unspeakably depressed. and no one knows what to do with me and i don’t know what to do with me. but ivs been ge#getting absolutely SHIT sleep bc of my siblings staying up late and my sisters ocd stuff which is probably part of it. I now im wide awake a#and it’s 2 and im miseravle and can’t sleep and already did sleep for 2 hours and it didn’t help and im hungry and weak#i truly don’t n kw what’s wro ng with me. i want to be happy and normal but every day i have long moments where im trying so hard not to cry#and i think most ppl would excuse themselves to go cry or take a break or like. speak up and ask for help if they’re miserable but i don’t d#do any of that. i just hold it all in until i get so tired it disappears. and then when i do snap im too miserable and ashamed to actually b#be honest about how anyone can help me which only makes me cry more. atp idk what will help. im in therapy now im about to have some time of#km eating food i like even though it’s not the healthiest ive tried resting and getting sleep and whatever. maybe im just not cut out for#any of what im doing and i just need to detach myself from reality even harder than i am already doing apparently. idk nothing im typing is#making sense i just can’t fall asleep now and im so pissed at my siblings and im pissed at my whole family for not giving a shit that im mis#miserable and easily overstimulated by noise bc i could’ve had ghe room downstairs and im still being held hostage by redacted and being#shaken awake to redacted like last night and work is killing me for the dumbest reasons. i literally cannot keep living like this#delete later
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ive had plenty of bad airport experiences like it’s literally my job but today might be the worst day of my life last night i worked a three leg red eye which means i started at 4 pm worked 2 flights and then a red eye from portland to New York. i landed in new york at 7 am and i have been trying to get on a flight to atlanta since then and 12 hours later im still here and I’ve been awake for 35 hours and i finally got on a plane only to have to get off cause a storm is moving in and all departures are cancelled until further notice i don’t even have my computer with me to edit amvs 😭😭
#ive read most of 91w today#i had to stop reading cause my eyes could stay open but then when i found a corner to nap on the floor iwcoulsnt fall asleep#so now i bought an overpriced airport blanket and pillow and im gonna watch supernatural until i fall asleep
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thanks for the kind words the other day :-) i got my period yesterday so thats whats making it soooo much worse but im trying to keep myself busy even tho thats really hard rn bc i have no interest in anything which sucks but whatever. im thinking of taking my sisters to an ecopark tomorrow, just to get out and do something different and have a nice day out :-) so im looking forward to that
#well probably have lunch out too. just to make the most out of the day#and the botanical garden is like. right in front of the ecopark so maybe we can go take a look there as well#also were going to see barbie together after all. next week#were doing like a family outing out of it and my parents are watching oppenheimer while we watch barbie#my dads the one that really wanted to watch it and my moms not into barbie so shes going with him but im pretty sure shes gonna end up-#-falling asleep lmao#anyways thats all i wanted to share. the period cramps are cramping once again so i might take a nap#and after that i think ill redye my hair because its really faded by now. and ik i said i wasnt gonna do it more than once bc its black-#-and its super difficult to bleach but i just looooved having black hair. so ill stay with black hair at least until its longer and i can-#-cut the parts thatve been bleached#anyways my mom was supposed to help me but now she wants to act mad for something insignificant as moms do so ill have to do it myself :-)#okay now thats all bye#cami.txt
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the problem with sleepy sad is that the solition is talk to people which is an awake activity
#beeep#its counterproductive#i suppose i will just stay sad until i fall asleep?#whatever i suppose. is this mental health . is mental health when u r okay i guess im sad now. whatever or is that mental illness 2
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finally figured out why ive been having panic attacks every night for the past week 👍
hopefully i sleep better tonight knowing the reason why i couldn't before
#we have a bunch of industrial fans drying our kitchen floor bc of a water leak#and from my room it sounds like a muffled bathroom fan#and my parents used to put on a bathroom fan for my sister to fall asleep to#and i would stay up waiting until they turned the fan off#bc once they did they went to bed#and i was finally like free to be awake and have some me time#without criticism from my parents#it was safe hours once the fan was turned off#and now since the industrial fans are going 24/7 (literally to dry out the floor)#my brain thinks im back at my old house (especially at night which is when ive been getting my panic attacks ever since we got the fans in)#well at least i figured it out lol hopefully i'll sleep better tonight after that realization#tw vent in tags#cw panic attack#irl#wow long tags#just something i had to put down so i didn't forget
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cant fall asleep it's almost 4 am and i keep worrying abt what to do w my phone, headphones, laptop etc at the hospital to prevent them from being stolen. the hospital has a small safe (how small???) that probably can't fit these things so what am i supposed to do w them??? also even if i can put some of my stuff in the safe they said i have to take care of the key by myself like what???? i have to hide it? me???? i will be in surgery! i thought abt taping it to the bottom of my water bottle bc no one would steal a water bottle right. cant think of any other inconspicuous item rn. why does it have to be like this
#not fandom related#personal log stardate#this is not imminent and it might take a year or so until i have top surgery. but i already Worry TM#i thought maybe one of my friends or family members can stay in my room during surgery to keep an eye on my stuff#but idk if this is allowed. what if the surgery is outside of visiting hours#also asking them to wait for 2 to 3 hrs is A Lot. then i also have to wake up from surgery so it might be 4 hrs. maybe More??? idk#i need to discuss this w my therapist. also i need to fucking sleep pls.#i already feel bad bc i had to cancel my presentation for journal club last minute bc I didn't manage to finish it in time. and now on top#of that im considering skipping class bc i will be Tired. if i fall asleep rn i could get 4 hrs of sleep 🥴#things are Not Good rn but it is also in the middle of the night. things will look better in the morning. it's gonna be ok. it'll all turn#our alright. it'll be ok. it'll be ok#it'll be ok. it'll be ok. it'll be ok
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does anyone have a cure for oversleeping 12+ hours everday and then also taking naps that does not include self control
#i do not wish to sleep so much but once im tired i literally cannot stay awake anymore#and everytime i lay down to ease the strain on my wee body im instantly too tired to even be on my phone#i fall asleep around 2 and wake up at 1 and then at 6pm the need to nap takes over me and i sleep until 8#and then somehow i fall asleep around 2 still#i also am not built for exersize in general but also i hate walking alone#:pensive:#they gave me terrible anxiety and growing up being told repetitively how unsafe my area is and now expect me to walk by myself#im just a wee little guy#and that hill is steep af and i have weak little legs#my fucked up calves when i look at the incline that is not very long but so tall i cannot see the top of it
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I'm just going to complain in tags sorry 😔 I should be better but...alas...
#.personal rambles#I dont rewlly vent to anyone anymore and i dont have therapy until monday but literally my body is choosing the worst tkme rn to be#in this much pain#Like I have an exam today and policy is that if u miss an exam you cant retake it and like#This class is important for graduation / taking my boards#I put on pain relief patches but the pain is so bad I woke up at like 6 and now im cjrled up crying basically#I cant fall back asleep and I got maybe 6 hours ?#Like no lecture today but we have a fucking presentation before i take my exam and i have to fucking do some tasks and shit after#and I commute to school so thats like 40 mins - 1 hr of driving to and from campus#Literally fuck me i know this is my bodys way of shutting down and being exacerbated by stress but like#Idk everything that could go wrong feels like its going wrong in my ssd stupid lkttle life#I really just want to stay home today but I cant and it sucks like#painkillers dont do shit my pain patches only do so much#Im starting to worry if jt might be cancer but thats maybe my anxiety / paranoia bc of family stuff#Idk Im just being whiny like I gotta suck it up and deal with it but literally the worst time for my body to start fallimg apart on me
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