#stab myself because I want to die ™ and have wanted to

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Tried to do squats 3 dead 11 injured

[certifiedceraunophile]

For the Would You Ever Write ask, because I want to see your angry/controversial opinions: would you ever write AU/AH? Klaus can't be a criminal. They have to both be normal people. He can't stab or eat anyone. (And if you would write this, what would the set-up be?) Also, because I know the answer, but I want to see you foam at the mouth: would you ever, under any circumstances, write Caroline as meek?

Firs of all. It’s 9 fucking am in the morning and I hope you’re happy that the first thing I did today was curse your cursed name; I went: Jenn. That Fucking Bitch.

But anyway, Here’s the thing: I actually have this one very specific AH/AU where Klaus and Caroline are Not Murder-y. W i l d as shit I know, I’m entirely sure you’re disappointed in me. BUT! it’s like this very very very Niche trope that I will actually K I L L for.

I have an unhealthy like truly unhealthy obsession with football players [not the bs American kind, get the game’s name out of your damn mouth] but Actual football, like I cannot explain it, I was actually texting Kelly a while ago about how Football players are just a separate brand of HOTNESS, And we’ve both come to the conclusion that like it’s definitely some primal response that makes them so attractive to me, and like evolution of all things is the only thing that can explain why I go feral for them lmfao, and also Ted Lasso [a show entirely about a football club] is my favourite fucking show atm so all of that combined, I would literally die and kill for a Football AU with Klaus as a big mean arrogant and  temperamental football captain playing for one of the giants in the premier league and then Caroline comes along and he like trips down the metaphorical stairs of life and falls face first for her when Caroline is like being her usual snarky mostly tactless borderline bitchy sunshine self, basically Caroline is mean to him and Klaus melts. She does not hold back on letting him know what an absolute jerk he is and Klaus is like “well problem is sweetheart, I want to be your jerk” lmao. Like I imagine Enzo is part of the team and is the biggest lil shit and Caroline and Enzo hit it off as besties and Klaus is just F u m i n g in the sidelines and is like constantly growling beneath his breath about how men who are, biologically speaking, more closely related to the domestic canine species than most people should not have the right to breathe in the same air as His Angelic Caroline. 

OH and Caroline is the team’s  sweetheart and hypewomen, I’m thinking she does PR for them, but basically she’s loved by all [as is law] and Klaus really reallly grapples with his cavemen tendencies to just throw her over his shoulder and go around growling Mine. 

aaaaaaand at one point, in the future, Klaus wants his last name in the jersey changed to FORBES lmao if you know what I mean.

So basically yeah this is the only AH/AU I will write myself where Klaus can’t like Kill and have tea parties with the dead bodies, and it is a Sacrifice I am willing to make only for this one AU because the sizzling Hotness of a Football Player™ is just goddamn irresistible GAH.

Like I’ll be honest, excluding the above AU, I think the best I could do AH/AU wise where Klaus can’t be murder-y will still be a Crime AU, like he’ll have to At Least be a Pretentious Brilliant Thief or Conman or some sort of criminal who maybe doesnt kill but like he HAS to be a Bad Guy™, I mean I can’t possibly imagine myself writing an AU where he isnt criminally fucking shit up as is his calling on Earth.

THAT BEING SAID I LOVE READING HUMAN AU’S WHERE HE’S LIKE NORMAL AND NOT MURDER-Y AND AM GRANDLY ENETRATINED BY THEM, IT’S JUST THAT I  DONT HAVE THE TALENT TO WRITE THEM MYSELF AND ALSO MAKE EM INTERESTING BECAUSE MY INTERESTS AND TALENTS LIE IN MAKING HIM AS LOVABLY DEPLORABLE AS POSSIBLE.

And now as for meek Caroline.  putting this under a cut cuz this shit gets violent.

You’re such a Bitch.

OHMYGOD do you *want* me to go off? do you want me to sit here and yell about all the different torture techniques I will sit through before writing three words that may or may not compound to portray Caroline as this Person who is like Pure [gag] sweet [gag] Do No Bad [gag] and will take all the categorically terrible shit thrown her way cuz that is Grace™, because Lemme tell you I’d rather fling myself into the sun or choke on petroleum before doing that. 

ALSO BEFORE EMBARKING ON THIS RANT I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY THESE ARE JUST *MY* OPINIONS THESE ARE BY NO MEANS THE TRUTH OR THE ONLY VALID SET OF OPINIONS; I DONT CLAIM THEM TO BE SO, SO PLEASE DONT ASSUME THIS IS AN ATTACK ON ANYONE WHO HAS A DIFFERENT SET OF OPINIONS WHICH WILL ALWAYS BE JUST AS VALID AS MINE.

Now with that out of they way:

If you write Caroline in a naturally violent/ high stakes/ Dangerous AU where Caroline herself is understandably allowed to be violent, and her immediate response to being wronged isnt Fire and Fury and Vengeance in a stunningly calculated and shrewd fashion, honey sorry to say you’re doing it wrong. Like if Caroline is wronged by Anyone, she will pay them back in kind and she will Not be holding back her punches. 

Caroline takes no shit, from anyone but like least of all from Klaus, and if he fucks up even just once (1) there is no going back Until Caroline has exhausted every last drop of Anger in her. 

Like I simply don’t get how a Caroline who is meek and forgiving and accepting of other people’s wrongs against her can exist? LIKE SHE’S A WHOLEASS BITCH IF YOU HAVENT NOTICED AND SHE’S GONNA TURN AROUND AND FUCK SHIT UP FOR YOU. I cannot understand how Caroline can be written as someone who just conveniently rolls over and takes shit? I mean omg any response to being severely wronged that isnt an immediate thirst for blood, or at the very least, ANGER within Caroline is, as viewed by me, pathetic. Like I’ve read soo many fics [was even forced to read one against my will so my saltiness to an extent, regarding this subject, is valid] where Caroline is supposedly this pure Good Girl™ person who can do no wrong and take no revenge, because vengeance and anger is not only beneath her but reacting violently [aka appropriately] to her being Grossly Wronged would somehow taint the ✨light✨ in her, and now folks We Do Not Want That, because HOW IMPORTANT IS A WOMEN’S LIGHT!!! You gotta be pure Saintly white in all your doings to be able to shine like an LED bulb!!! which btw is a super valid goal you can have!!! Because somehow when Rihanna said “Shine Bright like a Diamond” in the fine print under the Terms and Conditions section it was Clearly stated: Only applicable if a terribly wronged women denounces murder, revenge, vengeance, anger, blood thirst and everything else fun and happy that makes life worth living in the name of Retaining her ~~purity~~ 

 LIKE HONEY STFU AND LET SOME HEADS ROLL. 

Like a Meek Caroline can be written a hundred different ways and all those hundred different ways infuriate me like hell but there are two instances that make me violently froth at the mouth:

One is when people are out here writing Caroline being wronged so G R A V E L Y by Klaus and her response to this is somehow: He’s a Dark Man, I’ve known this All along especially before letting him make Me the final resting place for his dick! so honestly speaking W h o ‘s fault is it?? like omg I wanna bite and chew paper when I see bs like this.

And the other is when it isnt Klaus wronging her and someone else being a bitch I’ve seen ff’s do something Even Worse and get Caroline to outsource the revenge taking part of business to Klaus LIKE TF DOES KLAUS LOOK LIKE, an Indian?? [listen I’m allowed these racist jokes bc I’m Indian] Like BABE NO put that knife back in Caroline’s hands let her stab who ever she wants herself! 

And also the idea of Caroline being generally meek, regardless of being wronged, is like huh??? to me, no like seriously did we watch the same show??? this girl literally Bullies Klaus and Klaus melts for her, that is like their whole dynamic, she’s mean as shit to the BIG BAD VIOLENT ALMOST GODLY POWERFUL WOLF and he’s like That One....that’s the Woman I want to spend the rest of eternity with. There isnt even One (1) Canon scene where Caroline lets Klaus get away with his BS, each time every time she holds him accountable and let’s him know what a bitch he is, AND KLAUS LOVES THAT [well not exactly but that’s one of the things that makes Caroline so irresistible to him], So honestly w h o are you doing favours by writing Caroline as someone who just looks at Klaus being a Giant Jerk and goes, it’s ok baby I understand :))))))

But also Caroline in general is a sassy bitch through out the show, like forget Klaus, just by herself she’s mean and catty much like Rebekah or Katherine, Sure she is an adorable sunshine baby who is kind and loving to the people she cares about, is loyal with the strength of the Himalayas and takes it upon herself to pour her love without any restraint over anyone she decides to commit to either platonically or romantically, but like this why we have multifaceted female characters who are bitches while being good lovable people too man. Like honestly fics where Klaus falls for Caroline bc she’s characterized as pure and good and kind or whatever 2-D bullshit makes no sense to me. 

ok so I’ve rambled on a lot but tldr: IF CAROLINE AINT OUT HERE GRABBING MEN BY THE BALLS AND TWISTING THEM LIKE DOORKNOBS FOR BEING JERKS as brought to you by Wherewith to Sate It’s Malice by Jenn RIGHT FROM THE GET-GO [Like I remember Caroline doing that to Klaus during their meet cute lmao because he barged in to her place and was being his usual arrogant dick self] THEN I DON’T WANT IT. 

lmao But also if making Caroline forgiving and small is your thing, you do you babe, just make sure to tag it as Caroline is Everyone’s Lil Bitch on ao3 so I can stay tf away from it.

but ok ok all jokes aside, please if I offended anyone with this post and if some author reads this and thinks it’s directed at them please know it isnt, [it most definitely isnt like I assure you] it’s just me airing my opinions that are as valid as ones that are directly opposite to mine, regarding the subject, and I mean no harm by this post. so please dont be mad lmao.

[h-i-raeth]

Herbal Tea, Iced Cafe Mocha, Caramel Frappe, and Old English :3c

Herbal Tea: Lilac/Lily of the Valley or something else that calls to me with a complex amalgamation of scents, if I'm inclined to shop for myself.

Otherwise, something for you, dear. I often default to nautical themes in scented things for you, and that's worked out well enough thus far.

Iced Cafe Mocha: I can't remember what I like to do when I have time for myself right now. I think we're going to take a stab in the dark and say reading/writing on this one though, provided I can do so while curled into a nest. Mostly reading, these days.

Caramelle Frappe: The Sims™, it's a guilty pleasure and I always enter a Sims-induced fugue state whenever I play and inevitably won't re-emerge blinking into society until a minimum of 15 hours has passed.

What can I say, it's playing dolls but the dolls can move on thier own and cause problems for you, without other people being involved in real time. (Plus, complete tasks unlock rewards with established to-do lists that I can switch between nearly at will makes ADHD brain go brrrrrr.)

Old English: This one is tough because I do not want someone I love to be stranded on an island no matter how much I may find respite in such a scenario. And I do not want to spend any amount of time with someone (I think you can guess who) who I may (or may not, for legal reasons) want to be stranded on an island so that they can plausibly die without any fault on my part.

I would take a dog, if I had one, for utility and company without guilt. Alternatively, a stranger that I can get along with who has survival skills/knowledge that mesh well with what ones I can cobble together myself. I could stand to meet more people.

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

Minecraft at @meme-emperor's - A True Story From @joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

So remember how a few days ago I said I hadn't beat Minecraft? Well since I don't even own the game I realised my best bet was to try beating it at my friend Lily's house, though you all know her as @meme-emperor.

Attempt one was in a world I named "A Fake Mitakihara" because hey. My initial gameplan was to find a village and get lucky with a blacksmith's chest since that'd cut out some hassle. I spent probably nearly 2 days just looking for a village only for it to not even have a blacksmith, and then I went caving and died to a skeleton. Since I was carrying my bed with me, my respawn point was my initial spawn, and knowing how bad that place sucked, I decided to give up on the seed.

Attempt two was in a world I named "A Faker Mitakihara" and went much smoother. I gave up on the village search and pretty much went caving from the outset. I ended up finding a pretty sizeable amount of iron and gearing myself up with full iron armour plus a sword and pick. Then I came across a ravine, stacked full of iron and presumably other materials. I went to work exploring, but was attacked by a zombie. I was plenty equipped to handle it, and I did, but I suppose that zombie was a bit of a Family Guy™ because after I killed it, 4 more zombies attacked, 3 of them being tiny zombies. Overwhelmed by their numbers and not accustomed to weird wait times between sword swings else you'll do like 1/4 damage, I perished. Since I had no bed and had travelled considerably far from spawn, I gave up on this world as well.

Having given up on two worlds, I was demoralised, but I pressed on. Attempt three was in a world I named "The Fakest Mitakihara". I decided that to maximise the value I get out of this world, I should maybe try and live in it, so I built a fairly sizeable cube of dirt near what seemed to be an expansive cave system, put a bed in it, and marked down my coordinates. "Expansive" was a good word to describe this cave system, it branched from normal cave system to ravine to abandoned mineshaft. In here I found enough iron to make two full sets of iron armour and a bunch of iron tools, and following that I even made the decision to maybe get back to my base and keep the second set of iron stuff plus most of my other resources in a chest in the event of an accident. Next visit to this cave system brought me a wonderful 8 diamonds, so I returned home to craft a pick and two swords. The pick was used to go down again and mine some obsidian, while the swords were left in my chest for use against the Ender Dragon. Two of them means I'm still prepared to go for a second attempt should I die. Anyway, obsidian in hand I crafted my portal to the Nether right beside my house and here's where things get worse. My Nether seed is awful and I spend around 20 minutes wandering around, unable to find a fortress. I find myself up against two ghasts at once and get stabbed in the back by a pigmen I didn't realise I'd aggro'd. I died, having not found a single blaze rod. And at this point, since Lily wanted to play Super Mario Party with me, I gave up.

But know this, I had a home this time, and a bed to respawn in. I've still got a full set of iron armour, two diamond swords and a diamond pick. It's not over just yet. It'll beat Minecraft, I promise. If it comes down to it I might even try to get involved in some villager markets to get blaze rods (can they even sell that?), I just need to prove that I can do it. A terrible Nether seed isn't going to stop me when the rest of my world has been pretty great.

The End.

[honey-duck]

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