#st4rving sunfl0wer

[st4rvingsunfl0wer]

so it happened, my account was tērmed at almost 600 followers this morning :(

tagging some mutuals to make them aware, please reblog if you see this to help me regain my little community ♡

and to whoever repōrted me: fuck you for taking away my safe space. tērming me did nothing but take away my support system and delete my thoughts and reflections from the one space i feel that i can talk about myself. i am very transparent in my intro about the subjects i talk about, i use trigger warnings when discussing them, and i've never posted any explicit descriptions or photos. if you don't appreciate my content, blocking me is easier and less harmful to me than filing a report. i am clearly not in a good place, and taking a safe space from a mentally ill person is just a shitty thing to have done.

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@clementine1918 @themostloneliestday @n0t-h3r3-anym0r3 @abirdasrare @tiredtwed-again @v3hementvelvet @sea-foam-boy @justwater4meeeeeee @decayingdogteeth @emo-cigarette @crxnbxrrykxng @ctrlfr33k @lastfoxalive @crumbledtombstone @sizzlingcandyjellyfishhhhhhhh @ohtobelovely @applesboys @forestdwellingdolly @franki4w @rottingapplegirl444 @taylor-maid-relaunched @r1poutmygvtz @snowangelonearth444

[st4rvingsunfl0wer]

how to be someone who can be loved no glue no borax

[st4rvingsunfl0wer]

𝖙𝖜 𝖒𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘 𝖔𝖋 𝖘𝖍, 𝖊𝖉, 𝖘𝖚!𝖈!𝖉𝖆𝖑 !𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

i genuinely don't know if i'll make it to my twentieth birthday.

sometimes i'll feel that i can struggle just a bit longer, that i can continue putting one foot in front of the other. the majority of the time, the sheer exhaustion of heartbreak, an empty life, and hvrting myself in any way i can makes it seem impossible to go even another day.

lately the plan has been to go in late november. just before my twentieth birthday, around the two year anniversary of meeting the person i love most who ripped my heart out, enough time to finish preparing things. i feel ready to go with a certainty i haven't felt so strongly before.

but will i have the guts to do it right this time? or will the guilt overwhelm me again? it makes me sad to know that, to achieve the peace i can't have here in this world, i have to risk hvrting others. but i can't continue on like this much longer; each day of stārvat!on, sēlf-hārm, self-loathing, and sheer pain is a fresh hell.

i just want to rest. i'm ready to.

[st4rvingsunfl0wer]

𝖛𝖊𝖓𝖙

pouring my bleeding heart out onto the shithole that is my blog.

i can't keep living without you.

𝖙𝖜 𝖒𝖊𝖓𝖙���𝖔𝖓𝖘 𝖔𝖋 𝖘𝖍, 𝖊𝖉, 𝖘𝖚!𝖈!𝖉𝖆𝖑 !𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

✧☾𖤓

i haven't written you one of these stupid letters in a while. there's still so much i wish i could say to you, so much i wish i could change. i still miss you every second of every day, in waking and in sleeping.

it's been nearly three months since you left me and we parted ways. nearly a year since you told me you loved me for the first time. nearly two years since you walked into my life. time is supposed to heal the pain; at least, that's what they say. but i still grieve losing you and us just as sharply as when you first left. i'll never get over being abandoned by the person i love and trusted more than anyone. i'll never come to terms with losing my other half, my semicolon, my everything.

i can't face life without you. you and i saved each other from our self-destruction, created a dream of 'one day' for us to reach together. now i have no future worth staying for. i've honestly never been worse. the hole you left in my life and my heart has been filled with rēlapses; cvtting, stārving, toeing the line of su!c!de. they're a poor substitute for you.

i know you're not going through the same agony i am. part of me is happy; i'd never want you to hurt like this. but part of me is crushed by the confirmation of my anxious doubts: that i didn't mean to you what you meant to me. what you still mean to me, even after everything.

you were the water to my fire, smoothing out the harshness of my blazing self-loathing into a soft flame of love and hope. and then you extinguished me entirely. in the ashes of my agony, i've grown worse and worse. at least i had some form of light when i was burning myself alive. now, everything is dark. cold. empty.

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i still love you with my whole heart and soul. i still would choose you over everything, even though you wouldn't and didn't choose me. even though you don't love me back anymore. i think that's what makes this hurt so much.

i just want it to be over.

[m0rgxx]

@st4rving-sunfl0wer

rb to give a mutual a comically large lollipop🍭

[st4rvingsunfl0wer]

gotta love being confronted by my roommate about my issues as soon as i walk in the door from a full day of classes. she was concerned and very sweet about it, but it just left me feeling like shit that she's noticed one of my struggles.

guess things are getting that bad again.

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[st4rvingsunfl0wer]

out of meds, out of hope, out of time, out of energy, out of life.

i'm so fucking miserable. i just want it all to be over

[st4rvingsunfl0wer]

i'm trapped in a constant cycle of desperately wanting all of this pain to stop, yet knowing that i deserve all of it.

i'm so tired of being hurt and hurting myself, but i can't stop. i don't have a reason to stop anymore.

this suffering is all i'm meant for.

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[sea-foam-boy]

thanks @nuvco-iv for the tag!!!

last song: national anthem by lana del rey (don’t judge me)

fav colour: blue!! 🔵🌀💙🦋

last book: robert dallek’s jfk biography

last movie: the apprentice <3

last show: genuinely do not remember 💀

sweet/spicy/savoury: savory all the way

relationships status: single

last thing i googled: 1 creamer calories

current obsession: my ed :|

looking forward to: hanging out w friends this weekend!!

Tagging: (don’t feel obligated lol) @gaydietcoke @sizzlingcandyjellyfishhhhhh @samanthas-safespace @aylin-mae-bonesx @st4rving-sunfl0wer @migraineman @applesboys

ten people i'd like to get to know better

tagged by: @megkuna thanks <333

last song: the phantom of the opera

favorite color: muted green

last book: uhhhhhh oh man i really need to start reading books

last movie: phantom of the opera which i watched with a friend

last tv show: the original star trek which i also watched with a friend

sweet/spicy/savory: sweet, i love sugar too much

relationship status: single and not looking, i'd rather just have more friends

last thing i googled: "how to know if skincare routine is too harsh" my pimples hurt in a Different way now :(

current obsession: probably still mob psycho 100 but it's not what it used to be. yay depression

looking forward to: when my family finally moves into the new house

tagging: @scarecloud69 @disorganised-thoughtss @daneonrainbow @lawful-goof @officialkarinuzumaki @leo-probably @vychodocech @umkayonninay @mocha-blossom @spageddy29 no pressure though <3

[st4rvingsunfl0wer]

𝖙𝖜 𝖘𝖚!𝖈!𝖉𝖆𝖑 !𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

it's getting bad again.

the last time i was in this place, i had my other half to be my light in the darkness, the semicolon to my story that was supposed to have ended years ago.

now they're just another source of my agony. one of the most painful sources, in fact.

i've been praying for help, for peace. i genuinely believe at this point that the only way for me to feel okay is to be gone. to be at rest.

i'm trying to wait. i've had people—family, strangers, friends—tell me to stay. beg me to try. assure me that there's hope, that things don't have to end this way. but there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me anymore. i no longer have a future.

i just want it all to stop hurting. every day is a new struggle against my twisted mind and the relentless pain of my losses.

i've got no fight left.

✧☾𖤓

[st4rvingsunfl0wer]

𝖘𝖎𝖑𝖑𝖞 𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖙𝖑𝖊 𝖎𝖓𝖙𝖗𝖔

hey, you can call me m. i'm trying to cope with my life falling apart and losing my only reason to recover. so, like any insane person, i'm relapsing in my eating d!sorder and sēlf-hārm after a few half hearted attempts at recovery. here for inspo, tips, and to give/receive support. i'd love to talk, feel free to dm me ♡

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my blog will contain content related to my struggles and mental illnesses (diagnosed eat!ng d!sorder, depression, anxiety, su!c!dal; suspected bpd). i have no intentions of triggering anyone or promoting my issues; this is just an outlet to help me cope. living like this is absolute hell and i wouldn't wish it on anyone. i will be putting trigger warnings on all posts i may make related to these issues. please block me if you feel i may have a negative impact on you or encourage you to get worse. do not report, all that does is take me away from my safe space and support system. it does not help me get better; it only causes me to get worse.

i wholeheartedly support recovery. although it's not the path for me, i support and encourage others to try to recover. things don't have to be this way, you can get better ♡

my inbox is open to anyone looking for a friend, anyone who needs someone to talk/vent to, all tips or advice, or any random topics you'd like to chat about.

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thanks for stopping by my blog ♡

find me on my backup @dy1ngsunfl0wer

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[st4rvingsunfl0wer]

aaand in the latest installment of my life getting shittier, my doctor denied my request to refill my antidepressant prescription this morning. not that it helped, ha, but the lack of support from healthcare lately has been astounding.

i'm already a fucking trainwreck when i am on my meds, so i guess we'll see how being unmedicated goes for me this time around lmao.

i swear these last few weeks have just been confirmation that ending it is the only solution.

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[r1poutmygvtz]

@decayingdogteeth @dietc0kevanilla @earlll7 @ethanneeds2purg3 @fuckingm3nt4l @fluffymistake3 @grimnmm @ir1s-valley @jxj-tracks @lixifur666 @lucys-at-the-gym-again @lastfoxalive @laceyc0bwebs @littlezeph @lotstolose @makeme-thinner @meowmiumiuu @mothmans-arthritis @mxnd-infxction @notttkayyy @nicoles-mind @nofoxalive @one-way-ticket2-rexieville @prettiest-in-the-morgue-xoxo @princejaxporter @rosecvpiid333 @rorrycheeese @rsachancat @ru3-1s-d3ad @st4rving-sunfl0wer @turningtodust @victoria-secret-r3xies @wastingawayinbupropionville @xxbl33d1ngb0yxx @zero-sugar-bambi @zerocherrylvr @c4nnid0ll @f4t-tr4nny @w4yw4rds41nt + any other moots i forgot!! :3

positivity train!

if you see this or are tagged in it, tag a couple of your favorite mutuals/blogs and let them know you appreciate seeing them on your dash!

@h0neysugarfree @blueberrylovv @bequiteanddriveeeeeee @cherri-bomb-bomb @eg0mechan1c @fatrexicisback

[st4rvingsunfl0wer]

when you get this, list 5 songs you like to listen to, publish. then, send this to 10 of your favourite followers <3

thank you @themostloneliestday and @clementine1918 for thinking of me ♡♡

i couldn't choose just five, but was able to narrow it down to six.

soft spine - spiritbox

high by the beach - banshee

the diary of jane - breaking benjamin

it was easy - drag me out

ugly - ghøstkid

code mistake - corpse, bring me the horizon

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[st4rvingsunfl0wer]

𝖙𝖜 𝖘𝖚!𝖈!𝖉𝖆𝖑

as i've been getting closer to the time i've chosen, i've started thinking about things i'd like to do before i d!e. but most of my "bucket list" goals aren't achievable.

many of them aren't possible for financial reasons or because i don't have the time left to carry them out. but so many of them aren't possible because they were goals i had with my other half. dreams we'd shared and built together, things we'd promised each other we'd achieve for and with one another.

all of their promises are worthless now. those dreams are dead, shattered by their abandonment.

and i'm left wondering why i've even bothered to stay this long in the first place. i literally have nothing to look forward to or work towards now, since losing my person. our dreams weren't the only things that were broken when they left me.

it's made it even more difficult to wait until the time i've planned. what's the point in pushing it off? not like i'll miss out on anything, anyway.

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[st4rvingsunfl0wer]

me: all of my work/school scrub pants are too big now and i can't afford to buy new ones :(

also me: all of my scrub pants are too big now, i'm losing we!ght again :)

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