rudrrastuff

[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

black/alt th!nsp0 🖤

all photos from pinterest.

[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

picrew tag game

i love making picrews, thanks for the tag @clementine1918 ♡♡

@n0t-h3r3-anym0r3 @tiredtwed-again @skeletallypretty @sea-foam-boy

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[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

𝖙𝖜 𝖊𝖉

finding photos of myself at my lw is so triggering and motivational i love it ♡

[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

people i'd like to know better

this is such a cute idea, thanks for the tag @sea-foam-boy :)

last song: porcelain roots by karmella

favorite color: blue 💙

last book: the only one left by riley sager

last movie: the shining

last show: that 70s show

sweet/spicy/savory: toss up between sweet and spicy

relationship status: unlovable

last thing i googled: "horse ed meme no lunch" ...long story

current obsession: halloween shit and mint vāpes

looking forward to: i don't know, my inevitable dēāth?

tags: some friends, some i'd like to know better :)

@n0t-h3r3-anym0r3 @clementine1918 @tiredtwed-again @lastfoxalive @themostloneliestday @emo-cigarette @abirdasrare @duk3of-them @franki4w @ygrtfaiiry

[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

calling all diet soda lovers

i've had this conversation with a few people and i'm curious to see what you guys think. feel free to explain your preference in the comments!

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i personally am a zero sugar girl all the way. i swear i can taste the difference lmao.

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[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

𝖙𝖜 𝖊𝖉

more black/alt th!nsp0 🕸

(can you guess my style yet lmao)

all photos from pinterest.

[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

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[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

officially fifteen+ p0unds down from the start of my rēlapse ♡

i'd been waiting for this wē!ght for a while, but the achievement feels hollow now. it truly is never enough.

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[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

recent moments from nature ♡

(all photos are my own.)

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[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

𝖙𝖜 𝖊𝖉

girl dinner ♡

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[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

𝖙𝖜 𝖘𝖍, 𝖊𝖉, 𝖘𝖚!𝖈!𝖉𝖆𝖑 !𝖉𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

purple fingernails, long sleeves, shadows beneath my eyes that look like bruises. numbness that blends into overwhelming depression and fresh cvts over old sc4rs. insomnia, no seat belt, the sharp pains of st4rvat!on and new wounds and being abandoned yet again. it's almost aesthetic, this drowning in the darkness.

i can't help but romanticize my own self-destruction; what else am i supposed to do? i always end up here again. it's l'appel du vide, the call of the void. the ever-present urge to end myself, whether it's with an instant bottle of p!lls or a slow bout of st4rving myself into oblivion.

i always end up in this dark place again, and i'm tired of pretending i could've ever had any other sort of life, any sort of love or happiness. i'm tired of fighting it for people who don't give a shit.

so i'm not anymore.

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[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

𝖙𝖜 𝖊𝖉

guys i finally hit a gw this morning!! after months of being stuck on the same 2-3 p0unds, it feels so good to finally see some progress.

plus, my reward for this gw is another tattoo; i'm so fucking excited for it.

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[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

𝖛𝖊𝖓𝖙

i've been writing too many of these lately. guess that tends to happen when your existence gets continuously worse.

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i thought it wasn't possible for you to hurt me more than you already have.

i was wrong.

last night, i was thinking about things. about you, about us, about the destruction of the best thing i've ever had in my life. same as always; these thoughts never leave my mind. especially with my appointment to cover your tattoo this morning, it's been weighing heavy on my mind even more than usual. wanting to check on you, i went to your profile to see if you'd been active in the last week; my occasional way of making sure you're still alive.

you'd blocked me.

and fuck, that gutted me. it really shouldn't have, but it does. you didn't even block me when you ended things. or when i drunkenly unblocked you and reached out a few weeks ago, begging for a simple answer. but now you have. i guess that answers my question, albeit without the decency of a solid answer.

will there ever be a chance that i can have you in my life again?

silence. blocked.

why couldn't you at least tell me "no"? i told you i just wanted a one word answer. instead, i was left to wonder for weeks, my sense of reality hinging on the desperate hope that maybe, just maybe, i could have the chance to have you again. to have us again. after all, you'd left me three times by this point. but you came back the first two times, saying that you wanted to work things out, that you loved me. i can't believe that i fell for your lies. my desperate, grieving mind was clinging to the slim hope that you'd come back this time, too, that you still love me. having that hope dashed k!lled a part of me i didn't even know was still alive.

i thought i was as broken as i could get. i didn't think i could lose you more than i already have. i guess you decided to prove me wrong, in the most vague, cowardly way possible. this is what it feels like to be utterly shattered, with absolutely no hope for a future.

i still love you. i always will. but i don't think i can ever forgive you for doing this to me.

God, i can't do this anymore.

fuck you.

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[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

i'm in disbelief that i have more than 300 lovely followers.

this is one of the most difficult times i've ever faced in my life. this space has given me a place to relate to others, find connections, feel less alone, and voice my struggles.

thank you to each of you who has helped to make this a safe space for me. your support means the world to me ♡

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[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

𝖙𝖜 𝖊𝖉

drinking on an empty stomach is such a vibe tbh

side note: guess who dropped their fucking phone in a lake? at least being mad at myself gives me another reason to st4rve ig ♡

[st4rving-sunfl0wer]

𝖘𝖎𝖑𝖑𝖞 𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖙𝖑𝖊 𝖎𝖓𝖙𝖗𝖔

hey, you can call me m. i'm trying to cope with my life falling apart and losing my only reason to recover. so, like any insane person, i'm relapsing in my eating d!sorder and sēlf-hārm after a few half hearted attempts at recovery. here for inspo, tips, and to give/receive support. i'd love to talk, feel free to dm me ♡

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my blog will contain content related to my struggles and mental illnesses (diagnosed eat!ng d!sorder, depression, anxiety, su!c!dal; suspected bpd). i have no intentions of triggering anyone or promoting my issues; this is just an outlet to help me cope. living like this is absolute hell and i wouldn't wish it on anyone. i will be putting trigger warnings on all posts i may make related to these issues. please block me if you feel i may have a negative impact on you or encourage you to get worse.

i wholeheartedly support recovery. although it's not the path for me, i support and encourage others to try to recover. things don't have to be this way, you can get better ♡

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my inbox is open to anyone looking for a friend, anyone who needs someone to talk/vent to, all tips or advice, or any random topics you'd like to chat about.

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thanks for stopping by my blog ♡

find me on my backup @st4rvingsunfl0wer

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𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖘 𝖇𝖊𝖑𝖔𝖜

𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖙𝖘

𝖍𝖊𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙 5'5"/165cm

𝖈𝖜 embarrassingly huge (thanks "recovery")

𝖍𝖜 142lbs/62.3kg (pre ed)

𝖑𝖜 103lbs/46.7kg

𝖋𝖎𝖗𝖘𝖙 𝖚𝖌𝖜 100lbs/45.3kg

𝖚𝖌𝖜 💀

✧☾𖤓