#srsly just makes me wanna kill myself

[tenthdocter]

It feels good to remove a toxic person from your life but at the same time it depresses me. Cause it means i'm still alone. I keep trying to meet new people but none of them ever make enough effort to talk to me and really get to know me. And then it's just yet another reason to hate myself and feel unwanted. Just feels like I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life lol

[kavehater]

I can’t believe people assign Kaveh the yandere trope sometimes like that is SO ooc he literally wouldn’t ?! I mean I personally don’t care if he is or isn’t but canonically speaking bro let his own mother whom he loved so dearly to leave FOR HER SAKE even though he was so hurt by her going … he would not trap somebody like he would probably end up killing himself from guilt like are you serious 😭

[fawnprincessblog]

Hi everyone, guess who's back.

After 2 months of absence i've decided to bring myself back on here and explain some things that have happened.

💗

After publishing a post a while back regarding incest, i had recieved a lot of hate since then. When i posted it I had no idea how much hate I was bound to receive from all of you once you guys saw it, and honestly i didn't think it would get that much attention. After realising it was clearly causing so much hate I posted an apology, which all you also thought was total shit, so I deleted that too.

And right after, I was bombarded with an ungodly amount of death threats through my inbox, people asking me to kill myself and end it. It was a whole lot, and I really didn't think that one measly post would set you guys off so fast. And honestly I was surprised to see how much there was. My inbox was full of them, and I couldn't handle it all.

Soon enough as expected one person had gone anonymous, sending inbox messages to my followers to report the 'heinous crime' I've committed by posting one silly thing, which by the way, put out a lot of false information. The person was over exaggerating, putting shitty words in my mouth. And I'm here now to talk about all the accusations the person has made. To the people who recieved the inbox message, here's your real explanation from the blogger who made the damn posts.

1. I 'nonchalantly' wrote twincest about Tom and Bill.

First of all, I have never in my life intended to ship the damn twins. If you have checked tumblr well enough, you should be aware there's tons of threesome sex fics about Tom and Bill, where they both fucked the reader at once. And if you fucking bothered to read my fic properly and not jump to conclusions to try so damn hard and cancel me, you'd know damn well Tom and Bill never even touched eachother in the fic that I wrote. They didn't have sex with eachother, they didn't DIRTY TALK eachother, and they did NOT do anything that would have come across as incest.

They both simply fucked the reader and talked to the reader, having nothing to do with each other in the fic. Get your damn facts right b4 you try to sound like a fucking smartass.

2. I want to be 'chained up and used.'

Kinks and fantasies everyone, c'mon. People have FUCKING KINKS. And mind you, this is tumblr. If you srsly see shit like this and start acting out because it makes you sad then clearly it's not for you so like just scroll? You have a damn finger, don't you? Unless, y'know, you cut the damn thing off.

Anyway, I think it's pathetic you're acting all petty over it cause you wanna cancel someone so bad and be the fucking hero of the day. Nobody cares, cunt.

3. I wanted to 'abuse' Bill.

To clarify this one, I do agree that the term 'abuse' was too strong. I don't intend to fucking abuse the poor guy, I just had no idea how to fucking word my sentence and how I was trying to get the damn message out. I've already edited my post on this one. So, chill out.

4. I'm 'anti-lgbt'?

This shitty one has been going around a LOT ever since I posted something regarding how annoying Bill was in the Kaulitz & Kaulitz series, where he talked alot about his sexuality.

First of all I'm not fucking homophobic. To let you guys know I am a Catholic Christian, (ik, not a very holy one) and supporting the lgbt community is definitely not on the list. And even if so, I do not disrespect anyone who's part of it. We aren't told to treat you guys any less. And for me, although I never encouraged the idea, I don't look lower on the person. Even I myself catch myself in a 'lesbian-feeling' situation sometimes.

And if you've seen the comments on the post I made about that Bill thing, all the comments agree with my anyway. We all collectively agree he went a little overboard but so what? I'm just saying. Suck on that, stupid hoe!

5. I support pedophilia.

Babe, check the post again and see how many people were totally okay with the damn post in the first place. I have never agreed ever that pedophilia was okay, and there's tons of older Tom fics with this age gap. Please, istg, do your research before crying over spilled milk to save yourself the embarrassment.

And, to let y'know, who ever sent these inbox messages, one of the friends that you sent these to—I think her name was 'pain of l0ve' or smtg—was totally one of the biggest supporters on that post asking for a full blown fic of older tom and the 17 year old girl. She uses to be my follower too. Dw, I have a screenshot before she blocked me and tried to act all shocked and surprised that I post those malicious things you said! ^^

mm...that really pissed me off ngl 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, that concludes it. Hope this answers your questions about all this misinformation that this person has spread in attempt to cancel me.

I also just want to put it out there that I'm really sorry for posting something like that, and now looking at it I do agree that it was weird. I apologise for anyone who got uncomfortable. All the death threats I've received weren't necessary though. I don't ever think it's right to go that far on anyone. Please be mindful sometimes. Other than that, I'm really sorry.

And I also wanna thank @itsangelll for being there for me when I couldn't answer all the haters myself. Girl you really helped me out, standing up for me and explaining the situation. Ilysm always 💗💗

But for the cunt that sent out all the inbox messages, I hope you had fun doing so anyways :3 I really do appreciate all the stalking and effort you put in just for me so you could cancel me and be heard! 🥺 Seriously the hero of the day! You really read through all my stuff so you could dig out the littlest things! Talk about dedication!! Quite obsessed I must say.

Kisses, love ya! 💋💋💗

[cookkoo]

I DID IT!!! agsdhjkaa

Drawtober 2023: [1][2][3][4][5][6][7][8][9][10][11][12][13][14][15][16][17][18][19][20][21][22][23][24][25][26][27][28][29][30][31]

Or go to this [link] as it's easier to scroll

Ok I haven't done this since 2018 it feels weird asdfjka. But since I finally able to complete the challenge I feel like it's ok to talk about it

First of, thank you for all the hearts and the reblogs— the tags are great as usual lol. could never stressed this enough but these interactions really fire me up. So thank you!!

Now for the reflection part

tbh I was not really sure what I was trying to achieve when I started drawing this year challenge, but one thing is I draw way too little and there's not enough shumako content in my own sketchbook

Long story short, this challenge has been a great journey, I did surprised myself a lot of times, especially day12, hotdamn I never knew I could draw a back this hot asdfhgja. But also, for someone who have been holding the ideas of 'drawing is suffering, and it will always kills your ego because you will never be good enough' mentality, doing this challenge kinda fix that in a good way. Sure, my back still ache and I pulled way too many all nighters for my own good, but I really really enjoy almost every moment of these past two months.

(Let's not talk about the fact that it took me 2 months to finish O}-{)

I think I should add that working traditionally (altho it kinda turn into more of a mix media at some point) really was refreshing. Inking is a bit unforgiving in a way, but it does give my brain good exercise, looking for solutions when making a mistake. It also kinda forced me to stop overwork on some parts, forgive myself (since there's not much I could do with those thick paint) and move on.

Also, this challenge finally give me the opportunity to express my love to P5S asdfjagd. Srsly tho, it came out when I stuck in a very bad slump. So I'm very happy I got to draw the PT hanging out and enjoying their summer together

Anyhow! Since I'm actually completed it, I'm thinking of compiling them and turn them into a zine. So, one more time, I hope I'm not jinxing myself, but I might comeback with a few more drawtober posts just because I wanna show how the zine gonna turn out asdfagj

If you read it this far then, uh, that's a lot of reading. Thank you once again for letting me cover your tl with my ted talk! lmao Hope you will stick around because I'm not done expressing my love to my OTP. Until then~!

[bogosbintedthealien]

Short OMARI fic idea (LOVED ONE COMES BACK W R O N G)

WAIT LET ME COOK!

Okay so besides that Mari lives Au fic I'm writing rn I have another Omori au fic (it's crack treated srsly so I wanna keep it to myself until I finish it) which long story short is good ending Sunny still jumps bc he thinks his friends can only start healing w/o him there and he wakes up in an OMARI AU where Sunny was in a coma. And there's a lot of different and weird shit so Sunny's way out of his head. It's clear that this is a different reality, not a different timeline.

ANYWAY HERE'S THE BRAIN ROT!!!

So, I've seen quite a few fics where Mari just comes back out of nowhere (usually her grave) and whoever she bumps into first is just hella chill w/ her being back alive after 4 years and they wanna show her off to everyone else??? Like, no shade to the fics, I just didn't find myself particularly liking thos fics and I don't think I finished any.

So I read one where good ending Sunny still jumps and wakes up in an OMARI AU. Basil found him and while he said he killed himself but he also said he went missing (on 2nd read realized Basil was half convincing himself of the latter thing) but it made me think.

I fucking love fiction where someone dies and only one or small amount know this for sure and then that person comes back but SOMETHING IS DEEPLY WRONG. Like,,,yas sign me the fuck up!!! You can do so much w/ that!!!

So this one also is good ending Sunny still jumps and wakes up in an OMARI AU but!!!! Sunny is fucking dead in that one. Our Sunny isn't meant to be here. So in the OMARI AU, Mari shoved/causes Sunny to fall down the stairs and she's weeping over his body trying to get him to wake in as she's in shook and hasn't registered his neck snapped. Hero walks in at this time and sees what's going and realizes quick that, Sunny isn't breathing, he has no pulse.

So he gets Mari to go with him into the woods and they bury him deep in the woods. Ofc she's in shock and dissociating the whole time while Hero is panicking, to parallel Sunny and Basil in the base game.

He get Mari to claim she woke up later than she was supposed to and looked around the house for her brother only to discover the backdoor was open. And that Hero even tried to help look for him. Everyone else thinks Sunny ran away while the teens know what they did and keep quite about it.

A year passes and that's when our Sunny get dumped into this world. He's all dirty and raggedy and wearing clothes he doesn't recognize. He's in the woods and makes his way back to town. Basil (ig? I just know I want one of the younger kids to find him bc they just think he went missing) finds him and is all ecstatic. Treating him and stuff and bombing him with questions. Our Sunny figures out p soon of what's up and that he's not where he should be, but doesn't reveal himself bc who the fuck will believe him? He can't just tell the truth. So he pretends he just...doesn't remember what's he's been up to for the last year. Just a missing persons who came back with no memories of what happened when they were gone. He's know he's heard about cases like that.

Sunny puts on an act of being frustrated and scared that he has this gap in his memories and that he feels like he's dead. Feels like he isn't real and that this isn't real. (Maybe some of his real feelings leaks thorough which makes it all the more convincing.)

So yadda yadda, everyone's over the moon to see he's back and the adults drop the whole 'where've you been?' and 'what happened?' just assuming xyz. Don't look a gifted horse in the mouth.

But Mari...when she sees him she loses it bc I KILLED HIM HES DEAD WE BURIED HIM WE BURIED HIM WE BURIED HIM WE BURIED HIM.

Sunny is happy to just,,,be around a Mari again and acts all clingy while Mari is trying to act normal about it but is terrified inside bc WHAT IS THIS WHO IS HE WHAT IS THIS IN FRONT OF ME IT CANT BE HIM WEBURIEDHIM.

She later come to a conclusion (this scene is why I wanna write this fic in the first place) as she's having a meltdown(?) breakdown(?) to Hero on the phone. At first she thought just maybe that this Sunny was some ghost here to haunt them, or was undead. But the supernatural isn't real so the only logic conclusion she can jump to is 'HE WAS ALIVE AND WE BURIED HIM. OH MY GOD HERO HE WAS ALIVE AND WE BURIED HIM. WE BURIED SUNNY.' She basically is convinced they were wrong about him being dead or maybe just somehow his heart restarted and WE BURIED HIM WE BURIED HIM HE WAS ALIVE AND WE BURIED HIM.

She thinks that Sunny was alive the whole time and woke up after they buried him and dug out of his own grave and the shock of all that made him forget things and just wander off. She think someone probs picked him up (he was found in unfamiliar clothes after all) and finally the shock or mental block finally dropped and he instinctively went back home and doesn't remember what happened to him during the shock state/mental block he had.

Hero on the other hand, isn't convinced that it's Sunny. He knows that happened. He's wasn't breathing, there was no pulse. He held him, he buried him.

That wasn't Sunny.

Hero think's our Sunny is a ghost here to haunt them, then maybe an undead and lastly lands on: SOMETHING IS WEARING HIS SKIN WEARING HIS FACE USING HIS VOICE THAT ISN'T SUNNY SUNNY IS DEAD I BURIED HIM IN THE WOODS LAST YEAR.

HOW DARE YOU LOOK LIKE HIM HOW DARE YOU

So for the last chapter he wants to convince Mari she's wrong. That that thing isn't Sunny. And he wants validation. So he treks into the woods to where they buried him and digs and dig and digs and dig and digs until there's blood. His blood.

And he finds it. Bones. Human bones. Fabric hidden deep in the dirt.

THAT THING WASN'T SUNNY. HE'S RIGHT HERE WHERE I BURIED HIM.

oh god

He turns to look towards town.

its in the house with mari...

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD THAT THING'S IN THE HOUSE WITH MARI

MARI MARI MARI MARI MARI MARI MARI MARI MARI MARI MARI MARI MARI MARI MARI

Is the only thing he's think as he books it back to town.

And that's the end of the fic. It just stops there. I did say I wanted this to be a short fic. Also sorry this post is sloppy and not that cohesive like my last one but I'm writing this as I go late at night and just wanted to air out my brain rot.

I'm aiming for 5 chapters (won't be adding much filler to this) and I know for sure that it won't go to 10. Probs wanna finish it first, then post the dang thing but it's probs only gonna take me a month to write.

[siunytoons]

I SAW SOMEBODY DO THIS

so its like how ppl think they'd b aligned w fears as an avatar? girl idk I just wanna do it cuz boredemmm

Eye: ermm I dunno. I'm a little slow w observing stuff sometimes and I don't rlly care when people watch me. lwk indifferent to this one cuz I'm not that much of a curious person. so not that compatible I don't think! whoopsie daisies

spiral: hmmm. I'm like super sane. sometimes I'm disorganized sometimes I'm not, but that's not super relevant. I'm not afraid I'm going like, cray or anything. I'm just kinda there tbh. prolly not aligned!

The flesh: hrmm. maybe. like, I don't hate how I look, personally I think I'm pretty, but sometimes I wanna just reshape myself. but like, not obsessively. so also prolly not aligned

the lonely: honestly? yeah tbh. I've got friends and crap but I tend to be isolating myself. not like, on purpose or anything, but it just kinda happens. I gotta fight to actually be noticed occasionally and it TOTALLY sucks. maybe aligned!

the slaughter: nope. I'm the least violent person I know

hunt: also no. super spooked by being chased and chasing people. it makes me nervous and I don't think I'd be aligned well.

the stranger: hey queens! also not aligned. wow, I am on a nonaligned combo here. call me the average joe cuz I am powering through this! I never ever really felt like I wasn't quite human or a stranger to anyone. I'm like, friendly and nice and not super into blending into a crowd too much

web: err, no. maybe when I was like younger cuz like, I'd cry to get out of trouble. but what kid didn't do that. Im a control freak sometimes, but that was all kinda in the past tbh. I'm a way better person now and honestly Im proud. non aligned! (I hope)

dark: nope. sunlight's just better. sorry queens

end: girl if ur not afraid of dying I'm afraid of u sorry! (jk). Srsly though. DEF not aligned

desolation; NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. whoever finds it fun to destroy things that make others happy? U make me SICK. def not aligned. love siun!

corupptionnnn: wow I just realized I snatched the "the" outta the fears after a bit. whoops! anyway, Im kinda indifferent to sickness and bugs. like, bees are my OPP. but I know they're natural and I share the world with them so like, why let it control me y'know? as for diseases, its whatever. I mean, it totally sucks ot get them, but also natural. non aligned!

buried: EW. DISGUSTING. NO. I absolutely HATE confined spaces. If I was ever an avatar of this I would DIE.

the vast: actually, maybe. this is the one I kinda lean towards mostly cuz like I'm always kinda head in the clouds lost in the sauce and all that jazz. I need an intervention for my constant spacing out. so like, probably my top one as of now. Plys, oceans and skies are kinda cool tbh. ESPECIALLY THE OCEAN. a little scary, but the beach oh em geeee. ily ocean <3

the extinction: who wants this. like genuinely. everyone hates this fear. KILL THIS FEAR. human life is NOT being eradicated. I love being alive

YURRT FINISHED!!!! What I've concluded is that I am a very normal person. thank you for listening to my tedtalk

[cwarscars]

han what if i told you to write some positivity for a follower of your choice 👀 do it do it do it

Send me a url and I'll write some positivity for it.

id tell u this -

NOT BUT REALLY -

im gonna choose you because 1 - i am simple brained. literally have like one brain cell that is torn between food, sleeping and gaming. i am very stupid so LOGICALLY, its easy to choose ur URL cause ur here before me, presented like a beautiful turkey. NUmber 2 - I WANNA TALK ABOUT YOU, MOOGS SO I AM GOING TO. >:)

MOOGLE. another og of the remake fandom; another - as i like to say - 'legend'.

literally, your love, appreciation, passion, spirit and just fuckin general FEEL for roche has always, ALWAYS been something ive loved and admired. i feel that your passion for roche is similar to my weird obsession with heid - but it's so much more articulate / well-rounded / thought out. you have this way with roche, like, you adopted him back then as your bab (unloved by the fandom but adored by you) and i just love that so goddamn much. your analysis of his character and headcanons are something i absolutely cannot get enough of. when i saw him in game, i found myself thinking 'i wonder what moogle thinks of this choice, or that choice-' i saw certain things and desperately wanted to message you but didn't wanna spoil you so i laid of. HELL a part of me was close to grabbing shots of the keyring (you know the one lol) just to send you cause i saw it and literally said 'moogle would love that shit'.

it's just so heart-warming to me to see somebody have a passion for a character others 'don't like'. a lot of characters get an unfair rap from people, be they og fans w/no time for those characters or remake fans who just want to shit on any character they dont like (srsly the chadley hate actually makes me fuckin twitch). despite it, you power on. you love this character unapologetically, you're passion overrides any losers dislike for the character. that gets a big fuckin high five from me

AND in terms of writing - your writing is just so magical. you write professionally and a lot of the time when replying to you, i find myself taking a minute to take in what you've read and savour it - you know like homies do with a fine glass of wine? its like that. im huffing that writing and swirling it round my glass like, 'gosh DARN the good cush-'. you're so insanely talented, and your art, too! everytime i see it, im like snorting it up. you got that oldschool anime style that makes my brain vibrate inside of my SKULL.

moogle, i could honestly shout to the heavens about how rad you are as a person / writer / roleplayer. i adore your passion, adore your energy and i like that im moots with someone here who has the same wild-brained approach i do (lol), its nice to feel comfortable with another writer and always have your support / general presence on my dash cause your vibes so good ( your swag too strong, theyll kill u). just yeah, Ima stop writing now but for real - you're fuckin cool.

[blueiight]

🙄 srsly ur not even gonna publicly defend ur friend when u know folks are completely misrepresenting the situation (and lbr some of that subset of fandom were just waiting to take her down a peg ever since she suddenly got popular). hiding in vague tags when u see people straight up lying abt her is so lame.

Yk i wasnt even gonna engage u or any of these other anons whove been screaming at me since 9 am my time yesterday accusing me of defending harassment or accusing me of being a ‘bad friend’. but ig i got time this morning n ur my springboard for answering them all. I Been Getting phil jackson level of racist troll anons calling me slurs calling for my own death too [which is hilarious lol real deal ppl tried to kill me n im pose to fold cuz anon #50 said die blueiight! like lol ok. at least say it behind ur real blog] & accusing me of being in some evil posse or like u accusing me of ‘not defending ppl’ enough bc i made a half assed delete tag post b4 going to clean up my lab yesterday that essentially said dont use a black woman’s untagged readmore that mentioned nobody as an excuse to harass a particular black woman under the pretext of ‘defending’ much less blame said individual’s emotions for other people’s cruel decisions to harass others. i might as well elaborate. situations where real people are harassed or being talked about require more maturity + thought than someone having a bad opinion on a fictional dynamic. this is not a matter of people's biases impacting their fictional analysis. these are people's biases against real life black women impacting real life black women [albeit on the internet but real ppl r behind these screens!], and i am a black woman myself. im not some 2 faced friend or some anon harasser im a real black woman. n to anyone reading: harassment is not caused by someone else being ‘protective’, online harassment is motivated by an individual/s cruelty. individual writers venting on their own blog r not responsible for anyone else’s feelings or someone else being cruel. u r responsible for as an individual for ur own feelings n ur own actions. no one is or should be so easily influenced by anyone's venting to the point of going to harass someone else. that is not how harassment works and that is wrongfully scapegoating. unless u have proof of someone’s ip or even some conjecture like typing styles to where yk the @s of anyone sent so n so (which ik none of u can pull up bc theres no proof of such) or w/e, ur just talking shit & being messy. u would think a shared interest woud make yall wanna act like u got some sense but yall wanna act like the teenagers u were never allowed to be in cliques over 2d yaoi. why r all u , even other black women, always so fucking weird to black women? willfully misinterpreting everything we say, tokenizing individual black women& attacking when that ‘token’ expresses any sort of feeling like i need all yall to go do sum bout yall selves and get the fuck for real. yall run black women out these fan spaces bc of ur parasitic relationship to their work, then wonder why everything is so white. its cuz the only fan creators u treat like human beings are older white ppl or fans of color that reinforce their views. i see right the fuck thru all yall.

[jakowskis]

Loved ‘an ugly picture, you & me’ so so much. Srsly I read it like 10 times and still won’t get tired of it. It’s such a great piece of writing. Now my question: Do you already if ur gonna post more Torchwood fanfic?? (no pressure obv, writing is so so hard and I admire everyone who actually manages to finish their stories).

oh my goodness thank you so much 🥺 that means the world to me im so glad you liked it so much

man ok so. heres the thing. djkfds aaa idek how to talk abt this it makes me feel stupid fdshkfj. basically i have dx'd ocd and it affects my writing process a Lot. im exceptionally critical n perfectionistic when it comes to my writing, and when my ocd's at its worse, i can reread things literally hundreds of times. this makes my editing process a fucking nightmare. an ugly picture was... a Journey, i wrote the bulk of it in like a month or two bc i was Inspired, and that period of inspiration just flowing was super nice - but then i spent literally half a year obsessing over editing and figuring out a few sections i couldnt get to work and it was. rlly rlly unhealthy and messy. like that was a stereotypical Mentally Ill Artist™ moment for me 😭 i was unmedicated during that process and honestly im still impressed with myself for managing to finish and post it anyway.

and after posting it... this might not make sense unless u have ocd but that fic is, like, tainted in my head, and im not allowed to touch it as a result. which is RLLY fucking annoying and sad bc i wrote it for Me and it was a labor of love yanno, and i am proud of it, like during writing i was like 'man this is one of the best things ive written, im genuinely proud of this' and ive gotten some absolutely wonderful reception - but i cant exactly place why, idk if it was the torment of the editing process or a fear of experiencing that specific brand of anxiety again (if i reread it and run into errors it might kill me 😭)... either way at this point in time im legitimately unable to revisit that fic. and its been like this since i posted it, so... for nearly five months ;-; and im kind of having a similar experience with torchwood as a whole tbh. like my whole fandom experience + relationship with this fixation has been bastardized to all hell bc of ocd issues. it all feels very... dirty right now.

which fucking sucks, cuz torchwood's one of my fav fixations ive ever had, it became so important to me so fast and it's probably hit special interest territory at this point - but it sucks what a thin line it is between obsessing over a hyperfixation, and compulsively engaging with something. it sucks when the serotonin u get from smth also gets laced with pervasive anxiety. my recent main issue with ocd has been avoidance - i went from obsessively going thru torchwood clips to being unable to watch it at all bc the very thought of doing so makes me so anxious.

(so, tldr? my mental illness garbage is interfering w my interests and my ability to engage with fandom, to my chagrin, and that's why i haven't posted anything else.)

that being said: between april 2023 and now i have written 180k words of torchwood fanfic. im endlessly fascinated and inspired by these characters, particularly by owen who has lowkey proven to be my muse lol. (he sits in my mind palace on top of a, like, literal fancy ass corinthian pedestal and his one job is to sit still n look pretty and sad but instead he snarks down at me every time i walk passed and in return i squirt a water gun at him and occasionally throw tomatoes at him. it's a very mutually loving relationship.) and 180k words in, and literally hundreds of hours spent thinking about and talking about tw/owen, and im still fascinated by it/him, there are still soooo many things i wanna explore through writing with these characters that i adore so much. 57k of the 180k words is part of what will eventually be a sequel series to an ugly picture (which is meant to be a stand-alone, for the record, but towards the end of the writing process i went "Hm. Actually I Have More Ideas", and it became a whole 'verse heh). problem is i dont rmr the fic enough to continue the first sequel and currently i cant revisit it and take notes 🤡 so that project's on hold. as for the other stuff, it's a good mix of misc one-shots and full-on projects, and several things are pretty much done and could, if i were anyone else, easily be polished and posted.

but, as ive made clear, unfortunately writing (well, revising + editing) is an absolute nightmare for me. now, im recently back on medication after nearly two years of rawdogging it, and ive been having issues with that fff (namely constant pervasive exhaustion) - but im working to figure out a happy medium, so im HOPING, hell, praying, that once i level out ill be able to open my docs and sit down and finish things without it being a goddamn ordeal. editing's not rlly fun for anyone, but it fucking sucks when your absolute favorite hobby + mode of expression gets terrorized by a wiggity wack disorder.

first order of business, once im able, is a 15k owen/andy fic that's literally 90% done. i wanted to post it in june, for pride month, and then my brain decided to convince me i wasnt being coherent in the slightest and i was like, nah, i cannot make myself soldier through the editing project this time, i dont want this to get ruined the same way. but hopefully soon i can drop that and it will be epic and such 😎

so in summation uh (sorry im a known babbler fdshk but this is what happens when u send an ask to someone who wrote a 30k fic where literally nothing happens KJFSD. also sorry for literally trauma dumping unprompted 😭 i did the white woman in the kmart thing) ive written a ton of torchwood fic and i 100% intend to write a ton more but mental illness garbage is trying to sabotage shit so basically im taking a break from trying to post any of it until my brain lets me enjoy my damn interest in relative peace 👍but i definitely have a lot more fic on the way. just might take a while for it to see the light of day. hopefully not that long

anyway thank you again so so so much for liking the fic enough to read it multiple times that means so much to meee. i hope to have more for u soon :))

[b0mblover]

j rants abt dead loptson as usual because he cannot be bothered to keep the thoughts to himself

ok so FIRST OF ALL

i think im gonna start just calling this ‘loptson hawaii: part ii’ BECAUSE ITS ESSENTIALLY WHAT IM MAKINGGG 😭😭

second of all, funny thing, im /planning/ on drawing lopt playing piano and mason playing violin because in hawaii part ii its the instruments i noticed specifically (i swear it makes sense) but uh.

brain rot j made a fucking omori joke and now i cannot get it out of my head 😭

the only difference is that mason is getting killed but doesnt play piano (oh ig omori spoilers but its 2024. even if you havent played it you probably already know)

uggrbfnd fuck im not even kidding i swear. those maps i made im using for this project J PLEASE QUIT DOING THIS TO ME WHY DO YOU HATE ME. THIS IS SUCH A BG ASS PROJECT. YOU CANT EVEN PROPERLY FINISH A SMALL WRITING THING. WHY DO YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THIS SHIT (talking ti myself somewheee thats not main sorry)

im sorry but uh. look. unironically, guchiry characters playing instruments have been actually rotting my mind for literally years 😭 trust me i dont even know how i dont have a list. i just associate them in my mind and remember it.

CHOKES sorry yeesh!

i actually made three maps but uh, i think only one will get used in this project (if i ever finish it that is) bc i havent even named the other two! i might just use them for idk. aesthetics in my room or smth idk.

jesus i have so many ideas i need to quit this is excalty how burn out happens but i cant help itttt

hggvfddnsn i the brainrot so much

currently (like as im writing this) im working on i uh- drawing smth rather reveling(?) like uh. it isnt -sexual- in like the slighest but is???? idk look. i really need to practice/actual/ anatomy 😭😭 it sucks bc like. man its akward as hell bc im essentially drawing lopt with no clothes on but i feel like i kinda gotta??

(i really wanna have smth to laugh at when i get older alr)

ANYWAYS the point was that i cant figure out if i should render it or just leave it at line art.

christ im rambling again fuck.

back to the topic (yes im leaving that in)

i should absolutely end masons life in the most guresome and blood curdling way possible! 😍🥰 /j

but srsly. maritime forest. you are having BLOOD on your trees 🥰 (look it up. that isnt the /name/ of it its just a descriptor)

man. these names are kinda. weird ish tho.

aphelion, periciel, vacant beach 3- (last is a joke)

ahhbrbdns but srsly naming this shit is hardddd bc following real world naming (at least acordding to google) is such a pain, like uh, (from what i remember) it usually is either a feature of the place, named after someone, and a third thing that i cannot remember rn.

(funfact, im 99% sure periciel isnt a real word! peri acordding to google means about and ciel means sky in french apparently, yea. about sky. aphelion((heres the google def bc im not explaing this))

“the point in the orbit of a planet, asteroid, or comet at which it is furthest from the sun."

(SO! uh yea. if you were wondering how i came up with the names ig. oh yea funny thing. the thing about periciel. i actually looked up peri bc in puyo puyo tetris 2 (im being dead srs rn i wish i was kidding) in a call out line schezo says “parry” but i thought it was “peri” so yada yada boom. this shit is unnecessary complicated but uh. thats my entire existence! so)

man i have SO much to do. i think im gonna attempt to draw bread sheeran. well actually scratch that. i have a week to do that, i was working on uh. nonsexual lopt before i went outside and got brainrotted to death, so ill probably work on that, or start the other drawing (i really REALLY wanna draw mason playing violin. i actually dont even know that in white ball violin is the main instrument. i just think it is 😭😭) hggggbbhh well! im gonna go suffer now. thanks to like the 2 ppl that read this in full. im sorry for your eyes!

[m4lexxx67]

THE. BASS.

I need to learn how to play House of Wolves, the drums get better the more you hear them. That and The Sharpest Lives are the only two songs I would have added to the set list when I saw them live that one time. I love these songs so much

Why hasn't anyone told me about the tiny swarm tour prop/destroyed house that's standing in the corner?

Cancer us honestly too beautiful (and sad) of a song to exist in this world

And I fucking love the violin between Cancer and Mama and throughout the song too

Oh my god I think Frank is singing along to sleep even though he doesn't even have a mic why is that so sweet 🥺🥺🥺

Mikey

And again, the bass sound

Love the commentary of whoever the video XD

I don't what it is with this show in particular or why I'm all of a sudden focussed on guitar players (I cannot for the lofe of me play guitar) but Ray is fucking KILLING IT!!!! Srsly, no idea if it's the show or me but I have never paid so much attention to a guitar player as I am doing right now 😅

Nvm that about I would have only added sharpest lives and house of wolves. Also Disenchanted. We should all thank Mikey every day for that song.

Disenchanted fr 😭😭😭 I wanna scream about it but I have neighbors and a roommate 😭😭😭 which also means I can't really sing to any of the songs but it's worst with this one I love it so much 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Famous Last Words as epic as ever

THEY USED BLACK PARADE LYRICS AT THE END OF FAMOUS LAST WORDS????? HOW IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THAT???? IS THAT A REGULAR THAT JUST COMPLETELY WENT OVER MY HEAD??? THAT'S THE ONLY EXPLANATION I HAVE FOR SEEING NO ONE MENTION THIS BECAUSE WE SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT THAT 24/7 WHAT THE FUCK GUYS???? HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DEAL WITH THAT I FUCKING CAN'T

The person in the video just went "I love this fucking band". Same, girl. Same.

Look, I can know they played Blood and still freak out about it, okay?

Not Okay, actually. Not o-fucking-kay XD And Frank and Ray singing in the background <333

This band fucking owns my heart. No matter how many other bands I listen to, I don't think they're ever even gonna get close to mcr

Moving on to day 2:

Just the entirety of the fact that they played The End and Dead!

It's ridiculous I'm just watching the same set again and still freaking out about it 😂

The pistol Gerard did with his hands when they ended dead 🥺🥺

I love this stance that Mikey always does. Also, have I mentioned the bass sound, yet? Not for this show? Great because it's also FUCKING PERFECT!!!!

The black and white screens are great too btw

Maybe it's cause Ray looks so fucking in black and white and that makes the solos even better...

The screens mainly showing Gerard's shadow for the beginning of wttbp was an awesome choice by whoever was in charge of that

I know, I'm repeating myself but it's just so rare that you can hear the bass properly 😭

The black and white hit's even harder for I Don't Love You

Frank also killing it (because somehow I haven't really mentioned him yet 🥲)

Also I love watching Jarrod play the drums, he always looks so happy 🥰

I don't know if they did that on purpose or if so how they did it, but there's a split second in I Don't Love You where one of the shadows look like a marching band guy?? The black parade skeleton specifically?? Idk maybe I'm imagining things or over interpreting, but I see the fucking skeleton moving as one of the shadows

Ray is wearing blue pants. I'm confused

Still don't know what to do with that "kill them" comment...

That is a shit ton of flashing lights too, idk how they weren't totaly disoriented on that stage

However, I do think that all of this goodbye stuff might be saying goodbye to their past and the beginning of a new era, kind of like Foundations. But maybe that's just what I want to be true, I honestly have no idea. But I'm subscribing to the idea that mcr is done until they confirm it.

Their use of lighting and the effects on the screens is so good!!!

Disenchanted 🥰🥰🥰

Yeah, the second show definitely felt like a goodbye. But I'm really hoping that it's to like... a past era and not mcr as a whole. Or maybe tumblr is just getting to me idk... i'm choosing to believe that this is the beginning of a new era until I see something official from them

Frank and Ray in the back of Na Na Na 🥰🥰

Helena.

So long and good night to everyone who has actually read this far (thank you) I need to fucking sleep.

So sorry to everyone who follows me, you're gonna have to see more about mcr. Specifically me freaking out about the concert videos because I don't want to distract my best friend from her Very Important uni work.

Comments I have so far:

THE BASS IS FUCKING AMAZING!!!! There is no way phones would have captured that if they hadn't done a very good job at sound check and actually made the bass audible, I AM IN LOVE!!!

Also all of Sharpest Lives. So sad I never heard that live but it's even good on the recordings

[sewergh0st]

please stop unfollowing me, you know that all i have ever craved is approval and appreciation from others

[chocolatecakeandbl]

your top five fave moments in LITA 👀

OMG NONNIE ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME? How should find ONLY 5 FAV MOMENTS? AHHH

Okay, alright. Let’s try to be normal and try to answer this like the rational being I should be, ah?

Number 1 (bc I’m such a cheesy romantic at heart it’s unbearable) “I will take care of you for the rest of my life” PROPOSAL

[Source]

Prapai, Sir, please, will you stop coming for my heart?! It’s just perfection. I mean. A real proposal here wouldn’t have worked, and would have somehow destroyed the whole dynamic PrapaiSky made their own. But this? This is them. 100%. Prapai not rushing into things, giving Sky a headup and a security at the same time. ‘I won’t go anywhere. It will always be you for me’. And isn’t that extremely beautiful? Are there any words expressing a deep seated love better than this? I highly doubt it. It’s simply perfect.  And can we talk about Sky’s smile? The ease? The trust, the LOVE we see there? Amazing.  He learned to love, learned what REAL LOVE is all through Prapai. He got to know how it feels to feel secure with someone. To know he want your best, and he wants your happiness.  I can’t express how much that affects me on so many levels I stopped counting. 

Number 2  THE CONFERENCE TABLE SCENE (bc fucking hell YES)

[Source]

This is a war. With Place No1, really. Because… I mean…. You get me, right?  That was beyond hot.  The little game those two were playing? Sky’s side-eyes and him biting his lip when he sees Prapai coming his way? Man was prepared from the start. Man was on a mission the moment he arrived (bc srsly. No shirt? No underwear. Hellllooooo~) Prapai entirely unhinged? The chair turn? The way he attaches himself to Sky’s skin as if he’s an oasis after an endless walk in the desert? THE WAY HE LIFTS SKY FROM THE CHAIR? Also… the hickey’s on Sky’s chest that were surely NOT make up.  Sky’s expressions? On point of how it looks when one gets rawed? I mean… we all know I’m a kinky little beast, but that one got even to me.  Jaw dropping scene. Really

Number 3 TRUTH SCENE

I’m not even close of being capable to express the whole scene as good as @bird-inacage, so please read this post if you wanna go into the feels. For me, personal, this scene means a lot. On a ’funny’ sidenote, Fort’s acting as Prapai single handedly got me out of my own trauma I was wallowing in since seven years. No joke.  It’s the quiet reassurance, the ‘I am here, I am hearing you out, I am not judging you badly for what happened to you, or how you think badly about yourself’. It just got me.  The tears that rolled down Prapai’s face? The pain he was going through knowing what Sky went through? Intense. The acting was intense. The scene was intense. The wounds it had reopened in myself were intense. But also the healing, the way you saw Sky healing just a tad bit. The “Can I love you?” - because let’s be real. This is THE fear if you ever got burned badly. I could ramble about that scene for hours. 

Number 4 RESCUE SCENE

Linking back to @bird-inacage again bc damn did that post do things to me.  (We’re running briefly into sad hours, pls forgive me) For several reasons that scene got to me. I might or might not have re-watched it several times just to see if it still triggers me or if I managed to heal.  I saw myself in Sky SO MUCH it was almost scary (Peat is a hell of an actor. Can we award him?). Not gonna go into detail bc I suspect no one’s ever wants to hear that. So just lemme say the way Prapai reacted was superb. In all those years I always wished for such a reaction, and seeing it on screen did a number on me.  It’s refreshing to see that there is this tiny possibility of hope for finding care in such moments.  The scene holds a special place in my heart and somehow became my comfort zone (as weird as it sounds.)

Number 5  FIRST TIME LOVE MAKING

[Source]

Not to be horny on main (but really, I can’t help it. It’s just the way I tick), but that scene was absolutely beautiful. It’s overflowing with love, tenderness and affection.  This is how love making should look like. The deep connection between them, the kisses, the adoration, the longing and yearning still running through them even though they are as close as two can be.  You get the feeling they want to become one, and honestly, is there anything more beautiful than this?

--

*Claps hand* Soooo. That’s it.

I hope I answered well enough without indulging into the million meta’s in my head that I can’t bring myself to write bc a) they gonna be shitty (I can’t write meta’s for life) and b) supposedly no one’s interested. 

[andysbubba]

WAIT WAIT HELLO EXCUSE ME HELLO WAIT BODDYGUARD RANSOM HELLOW WAIT WHAT WOW

i think....... ransom's gonna win bodyguard wars....

AND LOOK WHAT LAUREN HAS TO SAY ABOUT BODYGUARD RANSOM. LIKE I COULDN'T IMAGINE IT AT FIRST BUT LIKE AFTER SHE TOLD ME THIS I WAS LIKE DHDBSHSBSH COMPLETELY BLOWN AWAY.

@inklore u have no idea how much i love u for this btw

i mean, okay— hear me out:

he's got the looks and the hair. and that 24/7 scowl on his face = perfect for the job.

he'd be snarky as fuck, yanno?

snarky and protective.

and good at his job because srsly, he's getting paid to do this??

but an asshole will always be an asshole, ya feel?

"should've left you to fuckin' die."

and omg as lauren said, like getting him annoyed by trying to make little jokes and things

"if i die, can you just make sure they don't play any of my songs at my funeral?"

and it pisses ransom tf off because he's supposed to protect you from dying but you're joking about DYING.

"you think this is funny, huh? our lives are on the damn line and you can still fuckin' joke about getting killed?"

or like

"should i just surrender myself to them? i mean it makes all our jobs easier, right?"

and he grips your arm and presses you against the wall (because arent we all sluts for manhandling?)

"what the fuck is wrong with you, huh? why can't you take this shit seriously? is this all a fuckin' joke to you or something? you think all of this is just another publicity stunt?"

he knows it's your coping mechanism— making jokes and trying to make him relax instead of being so tense

but ransom's probably stressed with everything that's going on so like he's just strict and worried as hell.

then he sees the fear in your eyes

he should be making you feel safe around him, but now he's scared you off [not on purpose yanno but still]

gonna stop here because i don't wanna give out spoilers before i even start writing my fic oopsies

[dwter]

pls every exile reference made me wanna kms fr .. the audacity to ask tommy where his friends are like he has any himself it was soooo beyond my range of words

there is just something about characters being forced to face their past traumas head on like that and being brought back to that past that does something truly sick and evil to the brain like it makes me froth at the mouth HIM ASKING WHO EVEN CARES ABOUT HIM THAT NO ONE WOULD CARE IF HE DIED and them ctommy being aware of what hes trying to do and still being upset by it and battling the hurt like i just have to kill myself srsly

[sugarlove12]

U GUYS DONT THINK I FORGOT TO COMPLETE MY GIVEN SONGS ANALYSIS SERIES! I’m so sorry I’ve been mostly inactive, even with my tumblr friends (I love u guys im sorry😭) but I’m on my 4th year of med school so the past semester was kinda tough, ngl this one is also looking rough but I promise to be more active, now LET’S GO!!!

DISCLAIMER: this analysis isn’t by any means the definite or “real” meaning, this is just my overthinker ass trying to hurt myself more 🤣 so it’s totally ok and normal if u don’t agree or even if it really wasn’t Atsushi’s intention, once again this is just how I perceive the meaning.

Bokura dake no Shudakai

This song is my personal favorite, I remember that back when the movie’d just released and everything was pretty recent, just hearing the beginning would bring me to absolute tears, and that would be enough to cancel my chores for the day (just like Kizuato and Fuyu no Hanashi when I watched the anime for the first time) till this day it makes a pretty big hole in my heart cuz of the beautiful and sad lyrics.

Let’s start with the first sentence: “We cant go back anymore” -> can someone explain how is it that just one sentence can move me so much, specially cuz we can all agree this could be Uge’s pov, so remembering all the recent events he’s going thru, like breaking up with Aki for good and also accepting that he’s found a new love, learning how to be alone, etc, I can’t help it but feel kinda sad and nostalgic about it.

And that’s something I wanna point out about this song and is WHAT A BEAUTIFUL WAY TO CONVEY NOSTALGIA OMG I FELT AS IF I WAS UGE HIMSELF AND IM JUST REMEMBERING MY MEMORIES WITH MY EX.

Moving on to the pre chorus we can see that Uge is saying that even with the “scratches” that he had, he is gonna move on from those sad days he spent crying and his past with Aki.

Now my personal favorite and the part I always get the most emotional: THE CHORUS.

When he says: I’m going, nee mitete yo (look at me) -> idk how to explain how much this gets me HAHAHA but there’s a je ne sais quois, like i feel him saying it kinda in a cutesy playful but lowkey sad way(? Im crazy ok don’t take this too srsly.

“We used to laugh at odd things, got mad at differences, I’ll make the dream I had with u come true”: this sentence to me describes perfectly when u break up with someone and there are times u find yourself reminiscing the past, those fun silly moments, unnecessary fights and u find yourself saying wow did we really fight bc of that? How immature!

Ik I’ve been saying this a lot but this really breaks me: “When I’m sad, extremely difficult times, I remember the time spent together on this memory, in the back of my mind” I’m honestly not even gonna say anything about it cuz u know when u hold someone dear and the memories with them can help u go thru hard times? Well that’s it there’s nothing more to add😹.

In the second verse we can see what u expect to experience post break up (or at least I think so) u wanna see them but everything’s cool and since that person was so important to you, you wanna be happy when u see them and u can even laugh it off or hug it out.

But to be quite honest that’s not the case for the most part ☹️.

Finally we have the bridge where to me is the most realistic part cuz u know how Uge did in fact wanted to break up with Aki cuz he knew it was for the best, but he never committed 100% to that, and now it was finally happening, so all that realization of breaking up and those feelings can be sensed in here cuz he says “I want to disappear, escape, in the screaming despair, I resented the encounter and even the miracle”

Now really the chorus again so it would end up killing me: “I’m looking for something more important than you, for you who is more important than anything” -> now with this it gives the same feeling as in Yorugaakeru’s “daijoubu” sensing that in fact Uge is gonna move on from all the pain.

At the end of the song we can listen just the violin and to me that can be Uge standing alone, saying goodbye to Aki. ❤️

Special bonus:

We can see our baby Uge is doing just fine and honestly I wish him all the happiness in the world cuz as much as Aki hurt in the relationship, he was in the same position as him, so I can’t wait to see him grow more and more as a character ❤️