#sporking theater revival

[saint-starflicker]

I started out with fanfiction in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer fandom twenty years ago. The "Big Name Fans" in transformative works were English teachers by profession and I think just so happened to want to combine their hobby with their vocation: They wrote essays about proper dialogue punctuation, characterization and relationship dynamics, how not to get confused by easily confused words (there, their, they're), and even—because the source material we were all writing fanfiction for had a lot of fight scenes—how to write a fight scene in prose.

That said, it was also emerging from a pan-fandom online culture of fanfiction criticism that...maybe had too much fun with being mean. The "Plot Protectors" and the "Fic Bitches" would trawl the hosting websites for whole fanfictions to re-post with "commentary" that is a line-by-line evisceration that was often brutally insulting to the author and a lot of us thought that was funny and educational. (One blog clique called it Sporking.) (The Plot Protectors had a whole parallel universe worldbuilding that was unfortunately very entertaining and fascinating in its own right.)

I think that a lot of young writers back then were very discouraged by that atmosphere and found it toxic.

I'm guessing that's partly how we got to where we are now, where I find a lot of outcry against complaining or criticizing anything written for free or for fun—which, well, fair points.

I think that's too far in the other extreme, though. I wouldn't want to be "heckled from the other side of the campfire" so to speak by just any self-righteous jerk on the internet—but I do also think that any text, especially any trends within a form or a genre, can be analyzed.

At the same time, I completely understand that a lot of inexperienced or hobbyist writers aren't here for getting heckled by self-righteous jerks who time-travelled from 2002 when it was really cool to be mean and to cover that up with "we're helping you to write better". There's always going to be people who offer inapplicable suggestions based on nothing but their personal biases, or who really think they're in the right when it's only their unresolved personal issues they're making somebody else's problem, and people who criticize the criticism (like the "Fanfiction University" that taught as I said mostly grammar and punctuation, would get nasty anonymous comments sent to its members that wrapped up with basically "you have the gall to tell other people how to write"). Even the compliment sandwich that was recommended back in the day as a format for feedback (e.g., "love the premise, characterization could have been less flat, this was my favorite line"), I remember that got some sarcastic comments from both readers who only wanted to get to be mean and writers whose egos could only bear to receive unconditional positivity. And there's going to be actually meaningful criticism. And no way to tell that last type from all the preceding types.

I don't really have a solution, then. I'm just happy that I was at the right place at the right moment to get what was helpful to my craft from that. Even though I benefitted from the content at the time, I wouldn't recommend a revival of Fanfiction Universities or Fanfiction Sporking Blogs, because I can predict problems arising from those too.

So right now I think of the fanficsphere like the quality/quantity pottery story, or comparable to why community theater is usually going to be bad but also nothing is more important to the art than to keep that space alive for people to be amateurs and unskilled and to try new things in.

After months of staying silent on literary discourse here on Tumblr, I finally have something to contribute.

Fanfiction is not the problem. Fanfic is a free, communal and valid form of writing which, although not always high quality, has yielded some genuinely great stories. The real problem, the reason for ‘booktok books’ and the flaws in modern literature, is fanfic being hijacked by corporations. The minute people try to make money off of it, the minute fanfic and fanfic-style stories lose their meaning. Fanfiction is written on the notes app at 3am for you and 5 friends who share your taste. It is self-indulgent, chaotic, often told through a queer and/or neurodivergent lens, and free from any pressure to be commercially palatable. The minute a few stereotypical fanfiction tropes and ideas are stolen by commercial publishers and twisted into patriarchal, heteronormative versions of themselves with no character depth beyond the romance (a problem that for obvious reasons doesn’t apply to fanfic), that is where the real problem begins.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk

[keynoma]

SHOCK VALUE

CHAPTER 1

Here is the moment that you are all waiting for... What will going to happen?

A plot hole?

An OOC?

A random sex scene?

Would it be indeed a story where narrative value is just a suggestion?

Let’s introduce the sporkers for this grand sporking session, a so-called grand reopening and reunion for the sporking:

THE ONE WITH A PHILOSOPHY OF MORALITY - PHOENIX WRIGHT

THE ONE WITH A PHILOSOPHY OF OPTIMISM - MAYA FEY

THE ONE WITH A PHILOSOPHY OF LOGICALITY - MILES EDGEWORTH

THE ONE WITH A PHILOSOPHY OF PERFECTION - FRANZISKA VON KARMA

Management: Sporkers!

(The door was opened to reveal a grand, new, state-of-the-art theater. It was fitted with multiple air conditions and various colored lighting. Also, the theater seat was replaced with comfy movie theater beds. At the side of the cinema room was a buffet for the four.)

Maya: OH MY! FREE FOOD FOR THE NIGHT!

(Maya runs toward the buffet table)

Phoenix: Ah, finally. My wallet can rest in peace.

Edgeworth: However, our dignity? Not even a spare.

Phoenix: Come on, Mr. Edgeworth. Never be the edgy worth of pessimism in just a single dose of day.

*WHIPS*

Phoenix: YOOOOWWWCCHHH!

Edgeworth: Ah, Franziska! I hope you’re still well after the rumor of the so-called re-opening of the Sporking theater has been actualized after all.

Franziska: Better be, Miles Edgeworth! Is this some kind of joke that the Management offers us an improved theater with cohesive watching experience but in exchange for reading fiction, who represents us, having our value and worth being sullied?

Management: Ah, come on. It’s not like that. I know it’s going to be bad but in order not to consider it as complete overkill, I have to purchase a grand cinema house with the finest buffet. *WHIPS*

Management: Ok, ok, fine. I admit it’s bad. I just need help to comprehend this fic I’m reading. So, please, enjoy yourself a buffet.

Maya: Come on! Have a heart at least. Earn it as your rest day from your exhaustive work of being a prosecutor

Franziska: How does it help you? You know what will happen soon if you agree. Maya: You know, we have survived every bad fanfiction, So, knowing our experiences, is there anything that we never survived sporking on?

Edgeworth: (sigh) Franziska: Argh, for the love of your puppy eyes. Your call, Mr. Edgeworth. Edgeworth: …Mr. Wright?

Phoenix: Well, we wouldn’t want to waste the Management’s effort. So, it’s likely we are going to concede this. Again, it’s been more than ten years as sporkers, it should be a child’s play, at least.

*WHIP*

Phoenix: OWOWOWOW

*WHIP*

Maya: OWWWOWOWO

Franziska: Then, you made the right choice about the Management.

Management: …It is really the spirit of being a sporker. It is a fighter in becoming. By the way, you can ask me if you need any help.

Phoenix: Hmm, no psyche-lock since the beginning. I saw his statements are genuine but I don’t like the part where the Management admits the fic is bad.

Edgeworth: With or without psycho-lock, I already feel bad, Mr. Wright.

(The gang grabs the plate and gets the food from the table. Maya grabs all the pizza and hamburgers, Phoenix grabs the chicken sandwiches, Edgeworth gets the honey garlic salmon steak with the tea, and Franziska gets the salad skewer and truffle-flavored steak.)

(The gang occupies the theatre beds, which has installed food holder/table)

Management: Ok, let's get started.

(The light turns off, then the cinema screen fades in)

--

teh rasist ternabot this is realy ofensiv so u shoulnt red it if u are esily ofended

Maya: Uhh…

Franziska: Never knew that misspellings, missing punctuation and capitalization, grammar mistakes would appear in the same sentence. It’s not that I'm offended but it was the second beautiful language named English that would be offended for that.

Edgeworth: And maybe put the effort in the title and summary. That’s the first thing that the reader saw. Otherwise, you mess it up before everything gets started.

Phoenix: Maybe, people would misinterpret it as one of the other troll fics, not something that people would get comforted reading.

teh weed warz

WHIP*

Franziska: NEEDS!

*WHIP*

Franziska: PERFECT!

*WHIP*

Franziska: SPELLING!

Phoenix: So, we’re dealing with illegal drugs.

Maya: What is so ironic is that the Great Ace Attorney had an anti-drug campaign.

Management: The Management has highly encouraged Ms. Fey to not break the fourth screen.

Miles: That is not why I really fear it. It’s the “warz” I’m fearing.

teh beginin

Franziska: Honestly, that and the title has not even a single correct spelling on its word.

Phoenix: Wait. I think about it. Where is the...

Franziska: You mean anything with perfect spelling and grammar?

Phoenix: No, no, I mean the-

Franziska: A creative name rather than naming "the beginning" as the introduction to the narrative.

Phoenix: No, no, it's the-

Franziska: Zero, zip, zich, nada.

Phoenix: Argh!

Edgeworth: Now, I’m thinking. Since this story is titled, “the racist turnabout”, what made that become racist?

it elll begen wehn egdewrth lost his persocutors badge like sum time ago.

Edgeworth: I get it. Commonly a discrimination towards the character’s role and dignity and the art and beauty of English language.

*WHIPS*

Edgeworth: NGGGHHHH!

Franziska: How dare you? Not only you betrayed the name of von Karma but the name of the law. It’s an abomination to law, order, and justice locally and internationally. Now, explain yourself.

Edgeworth: Uhh…

he wux kot masterb8ting and wuz kalled gay and shit.

*WHIPS*

Edgeworth: No, the “Edgeworth” you should be asking is in the cinema monitor.

Phoenix: Now, we’re going from illegal drugs to public lewdness. What an inconvenient topic-changing!

Maya: (munches on hamburgers)

teh judg sad edgeworth u are gay andf 420 blazin butt you ckant fap in kourt. edgewoirthy said shit thos is fuking gay man i kkkan go 4 some weed.

Franziska: Although there are many grammar errors, at least the author gets Edgeworth’s name, also the longest name. But no, the capitalization here is missing.

Phoenix: I doubt that the judge would say much informal in court.

Maya: Woah, that’s a life-changer for Mr. Edgeworth but backward.

Edgeworth: Fine, fine, it’s not like I’m doing any illegalities especially since I’m a prosecutor.

Franziska: Better be, Miles Edgeworth!

soo egdewort start a lef of krime

Maya: Wow, too backward so much like we’re traveling back to the dinosaurs.

*WHIPS*

Edgeworth: NGGGGHHHH!

he raped liek inocent litel girlz and smokd wed everydy.

Franziska: It seems to me that we are reading another language, also known as, something that I don’t understand.

*WHIP*

Maya: That is way too backwards.

(silence)

Maya: Please, tell me, you’re not going into “Phoenix Drive” mode, are you?

Edgeworth: Nonsense, Ms. Fey. The only one doing this is the one who falsely mimics me, obviously, the one whom we are sporking to.

Maya: Mmhmm. Ok, that would be.

Management: Phoenix Drive? You know, before I knew it was a game but soon it was sporked, I thought it was an application that stores Phoenix Wright game files in the cloud internet.

Edgeworth: GAH! Please don’t give any programmer a good idea or any author a good title.

teh he started h8ting jews an joind teh KKK

Franziska: I realized that the maximum number of letters in a word that the author has correctly spelled except for the character’s name has finally reached seven.

Edgeworth: Franziska, this is not the way you should be optimistic.

Maya: Well, I don’t know how Nick, Ms. von Karma, and I equate into this story?

Phoenix: Maybe, later. This chapter focuses on Mr. Edgeworth solely, so let’s relax a bit.

(Phoenix drinks water)

meenwhiel pheenixkcz and moysa were having sex

Phoenix: PFFFFFFTTTTT! (cough)...(cough)

Maya: WHAT IN THE WORLD?

(Phoenix covers Maya’s eyes)

Franziska: That’s rather sooner than later.

Edgeworth: I guess this truly answered your question.

(Edgeworth sips the tea)

egde worth caut tehm butt tehn raped maya kuz he kan

Edgeworth: PFFFFFTTTTT! (cough)...(cough)

Maya: (covering her eyes) Why should I accept into this?

Franziska: Argh! Look what you’ve done with the perfect cleanliness of my clothes. And the perfectness of English grammar.

Phoenix: Alright, this is so early. It’s definitely not a good idea to introduce a character in that way, no less. This story only adds to its shock value, not the narrative value.

pheenicks said man i haet jew kuz thy are gay lol moay sid taht jews dont eat hamm, soo dey dint eat burgerz so thy are gay.

Maya: Huh? What with the not eating hamburgers because of religion purposes has something to do with being gay?

Franziska: PHOENIX WRIGHT!

*WHIPS*

Phoenix: ARGH OWOWOWW!

Franziska: You better not insult everyone in the world, especially this story insulted the second beautiful language.

Phoenix: Yes, yes, it’s not like I’m planning to.

egdewort dssaid then join teh kkk it is fun myua ad pxehecsicsjxccx siad ys.

Franziska: And joining the terrorist group is not a fun thing to do. If you have first thought about doing this, please tear up all of your bucket lists from now on.

Edgeworth: You know, although a bit clueless-

Phoenix and Maya: HEY!

Edgeworth: The two would not be convinced to join the so-called cult, especially using the only reason word “fun”.

Franziska: Also, I recommend the author to join any grammar classes if there is. Make it your bucket list from now on.

Edgeworth: Agree!

tehn gumshoo gawt joned in bexuc he wazu high

Franziska: Oh no, Mr. Detective Scruffy has joined the chat.

Edgeworth: Now, utilizing the reason word “high” reaches another level of abnormality.

and when pehcehckibeouickkkkk

Franziska: …

Maya: pehcehc-blah-huh? What does it suppose to mean?

Edgeworth: I would bet that the correct phrase would be “Phoenix, be our KKK, okay?”

Phoenix: Or maybe “Phoenix, be quick, KKK”?

(Maya, Edgeworth, and Phoenix glare at the Management)

Management: If you’re asking me for the true word, sorry, guys.

Franziska: If this becomes a word in the dictionary, we are now in the world of IQ level negative 200.

goawt in he brounght perl becuz she wuz liek 5 years old

Maya: Perl…Pearl..PEARLY?...PEARLY!

Phoenix: Oh no, we are on the Phoenix Drive after all.

Edgeworth: Let’s not jump to the conclusion. We only know that Pearl will be appearing sooner or later. (Edgeworth sips tea anxiously)

tehn tehy gawt an order frum aldof hitler!11!11!111!1 he siad to get rekr ad jwws. hitelr sad edgewrth u must steel teh wweed from predisent trumps offcis and sell it.

Phoenix: But now, this story gets too political. No comment for that because I don’t want anyone to have additional hate towards our game, especially since The Game Theorist.

Maya/Edgeworth: AGREE!

Management: …The Management…you know what?...You made yourself a point.

Franziska: (Now, the Management has lost for words.)

pheeenixk sad wow that seems legit moys said weed sound fun 2 smmoke edgewort siad i hate jwes and blaks

Maya: No, no. A canon-me would not get addicted to something so illegal.

Edgeworth: A canon-me would not hate Jews and Blacks.

Phoenix: A canon-me would not say this story is legitimate.

Franziska: Therefore, a canon-me would have every INTERPOL material to hunt this spawn fic, especially how bad the spelling was misplaced.

hitelr said geet the fuking money u ficking shitheds or ill kell u all

Edgeworth: I just think about it. This story has its time being bizarrely warped. How come that 20th century dictator was alive at that point, especially at the time of the 46th US president in the 21st century?

Phoenix: Who knows? Anti-aging cream? Fountain of youth?

(Edgeworth and Maya glares at Phoenix)

Edgeworth: Well, considering this story’s nature of providing shark-jumping elements, I’m not going to deny your answer, Mr. Wright.

Franziska: It’s too random to include real-life people for the story, especially the two with questionable reputations. If so, how can you make sense of that? How does it help your story? Remember, anyone would hate these two. So, why bother? What is really the purpose?

(Phoenix was about to answer.)

Franziska: Again, don’t make me answer “cameo” because that already is a moot point here.

(Phoenix backs down)

Franziska: Nice choice.

so tehn tehy ell gawt in teh fuking van aend edgeworth lit up a blunt gumshoo wuz drivig, butt wiht hiz cockain addicktionnn, he migt get hihg.

Maya: We’re now in the adventure van. Here we go!

Phoenix: Now, Mr. Scruffy is totally now Mr. Snuffy

(Maya glares at Phoenix)

Franziska: Congratulations, fic-all, you earned “go to the jail and it would be easy for the police to catch you” certificate because driving under vice is still a violation and would be obviously noticeable.

maya siad hey nik waent 2 haev sex feehcksickzz siuad sure moya u kan bee on top tehy had a tun uv seckz in teh bak aend perl saw teh whoel ting

Phoenix: Argh! That is terrible for anyone to do something sickening in a moving van, no less.

Maya: No..NO! What decides this author to include sex? A random abstractive sleepy dream?

Franziska: Ms. Fey, if he is at the top, then your whole skeleton broke down.

Maya: Despite my structure, I am not a feeble woman, Prosecutor von Karma. I am strong, that’s all. (munches on a hamburger)

Franziska: (Gee, her metabolism is not something that I expected.)

Edgeworth: Honestly, this is so random sex scene that this story makes a shock value a prioritization while a narrative value a suggestion.

wehn pheenicks saw perl seeing teh seckz, he beat her reel good

Maya: NICK, YOU BETTER NOT TO HURT PEARLY OR I AM LITERALLY GOING TO CHANNEL YOU!

Phoenix: Yes, yes, Ma’am! (Argh! Why would anyone gag me good?)

tehn oheenicks wnet harder on maya

Franziska: Missing capitalization, punctuation, wrong grammar. This story gets messy…and whole dirty…depending on what you think.

Phoenix/Maya: …

Franziska: I SAID, “DEPENDING WHAT YOU THINK”!

*WHIP*

Phoenix: YEOWCHHHH!

Maya: OWWWHCCCCHCH!

whiel tehy gawt sexy in teh bakc, egde wort sad man im hungery but wait tehrs a mcdonald! gumshoo shwawtpd teh kkkar and maya said mcodnald? wehre i need a fiking burger

Maya: Really? In front of my juicy burger? Including burgers in this bad fanfiction would make it less delicious and appetizing on my tongue.

Phoenix: So, that means we have to go to the sporking theater everyday in order not to indulge yourselves with many burgers. That would help my wallet heal back.

Maya: Nick, I don’t believe in alternatives. Of course, we have to go to the burger houses every day. That’s the tradition of every victory court day.

Phoenix: (sigh) (At least, I’m not regretting having a hole in my wallet because of the six-stomach woman.) (munches a sandwich)

butt pheenicks and maya were compeltely naked so evryone satered at tehm

Maya: OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS! HOW IN THE WORLD?

Phoenix: CAN SOMEONE CHANGE THE SLIDE? THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING!

Management: Oh, sorry, sorry. I never noticed that!

Edgeworth: (This is going to be a disaster for them.)

egfde dorth was behing a gay blak guy and gawt reel pissed at hmi soo he kild him wit a snipr rifel aend orderd teh bergerz butt it terns out taht tehy replacd teir letuc with weed leves!

Edgeworth: See what fic-me did to me? Never thought that the fic-me adds murder to his list of criminal charges.

Franziska: A second-degree murder charge? Noted.

Edgeworth: There is no need for you to emphasize, Franziska.

Maya: Wait, Mr. Edgeworth kills the guy before he gets the order. How come no one has seen or heard this? And how did he get the order?

Franziska: Uh-huh, how does McDonald's get a stack of weed leaves, especially if it's illegal? Why should they put in every meal? Now, I see not only the American court was sullied but the American food capitals and the language.

Phoenix: No comment because I would predict that everything would get bad to abysmal.

tehy all got high and were naked, soo tehy hadd seckz in frottn of evyone

Edgeworth: NGGGOOOOHHHHHHH!

Maya: AAAAAAHHHHHH! PLEASE, WHY WITH THAT?

Franziska: NGHHHH! The beautiful English…

Edgeworth: (Some priority she has.)

Phoenix: OH NO, NO. I’VE BEEN MR. RIGHT ALL ALONG. ARGH!

Maya: Nick, that’s the only time that your terrible joke can focus me away from this bad fanfic. And it’s a good thing.

Edgeworth: Is this author making Ace Attorney a Sausage Party? I see that this fiction made public lewdness a human’s legal right.

Management: …You know. Since this also gives me a visual anguish, all of your sporking faults would go unnoticed from now on.

Franziska: (Hmm, never thought the Management would get suffered as we are.)

tehy hadd 2 bee drageed out and bak 2 teh van and it wuz 4:20 o klok

Franziska: I just realized that it’s not even a night but afternoon, so probably more people would see you naked.

HOLD IT!

Maya: It may be 4:20 am, an early morning wherein no one is awake at the time.

OBJECTION!

Franziska: Well, how would you explain that the restaurant is still open in the early morning?

Maya: Uh...uh...NOOOOOOO!

Edgeworth: Please, girls, don’t make anything get worse.

gumshoo sad wee need 2 get 2 a hoetel 4 teh nite maya siad tahts a gud idea pheenicks said wait a hotel this is raelly gay gumshoo

Phoenix: Finally, I can still breathe now.

Franziska: And I’m not calmly breathing until this guy has constructed a complete sentence which is clean of grammatical errors.

Maya: Then, again, how does going into a hotel would make anyone gay?

Edgeworth: Another question remains unanswered. However, ignorance is bliss, you remember that.

Maya: Oh, thanks, Mr. Edgeworth! That feels me well.

Edgeworth: Heh! Just hoping that anything bad would never happen.

edge worth siad tehy have a bed soo i kan rape maya witout anyon knowing

Maya: MR. EDGEWORTH!

Edgeworth: Here goes my hope being shot down.

gumsoo said you fags are gay and WIAT! tehers weed in the bak! he turnd toward perl, who hadd no weed. but gumshoo wuz so desperet 4 weed he lickd her and even her genitalz

Franziska: WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I SEEING?

Edgeworth: IS THIS AUTHOR HAS ITS RIGHT MIND?

Phoenix: PLEASE NEVER REMIND ME THAT PEARL IS TEN IN THIS STORY!

Maya: PLEASE! NOT PEARLY! IT SHOULD BE ME THAT GUMSHOE IS…ARGH!

Edgeworth: If this one occurs, the most required action would be firing him rather than cutting the salary.

(Maya has about to say something)

Edgeworth: Literally…physically…with a gun.

Franziska: (Poor Detective.)

egde worth thot is waz sexy so he fapped 2 it tehn hiz kloths were staned white bai teh tiem tehy gawt 2 teh hoetl, they were kumpelety naked.

Maya: MR. EDDGGGEEEEWWWOOOORRRTTTHHH!! NOT YOU TOO!

Edgeworth: NO! I TAKE BACK THE “LITERAL FIRING” -

*WHIP*

Edgeworth: Nghhh!

Franziska: You deserve having your prosecutor’s badge revoked at the very beginning of this fic, right, Ms. Fey?

Maya: Yeah, yeah. REVOKED! That is.

*WHIP*

Edgeworth: Nggh! It’s not me.

Phoenix: (Please, tell me it's just mayonnaise from the leftover burger.)

Management: Never say “tell me” as if you never contradicted yourself. It’s just mayonnaise, duh, and don’t give my hopes down, Mr. Wright.

theitr room was standard, butt edgeworth said it awas gay because he was a muslim. edgeworth also siad maya did you have eny butrgers kuz i want to fuck you maya siad sure egdeworth and tehy had tonz uv seckz

Maya: Mr. Edgeworth, I have you know that I am not your sex toy.

Edgeworth: Argh! This is not something that I like.

Phoenix: Now, I wonder, where is that fic-me? I guess I’m finally spared of the whole humiliation.

Franziska: What an egological nature of a foolish defense attorney, I see.

Phoenix: I do say "wonder".

gumshoo and phjeeenicks were pervertd so

Phoenix: I guess not and yeah, considering this story’a nature, I would bet they would sex.

Maya: Please, not Pearly.

Franziska: Please, I need a perfect sentence.

Edgeworth: (Some priority everyone has.)

they pland to go 2 a strip klub

Maya: (relief)

Franziska: (frustration)

Phoenix: …That’s a different story. At least, I’m not watching any random sex scene.

Edgeworth: Mr. Wright, there is no “at-least” reassurances, you remember how many times this story gets so much twist, that has little to no sense.

Phoenix: Oh, that.

Edgeworth: And please don’t tell me you prefer going to a strip club, are you?

Maya: NICK, I NEVER KNOW YOU’RE SO PERVERT.

*WHIP*

Franziska: You’re now the model of true debauchee.

Phoenix: Please, it’s not like that.

butt perl kan be aloen gumshoo pheenicks siad. gum shoo siad i dont kare bitch just brink that bitch faggot. so tehy want 2 a strip klub and wasted all teir muney perl gawt skared 4 lief but feechninxks and gum soho didnt kkkare

Franziska: Ahh, another peaceful scene minus the three sins of offending English.

Edgeworth: And I would be willing enough to cut another salary not only for his incompetence but the carelessness of the kid.

Maya: And you don’t care Pearly, aren’t you, despite her considering you as a father?

Phoenix: I care Pearls so much that I would be willing to take her place in the story especially the “Gumshoe sex her” part.

Maya: Really, Nick?

Phoenix: Definitely.

Management: Hey, crime reconstruction would motivate you.

CRIME RECONSTRUCTION:he turnd toward phjeeenicks, who hadd no weed. but wuz so desperet 4 weed he lickd him and even his genitalz

Phoenix: Ok, ok, fine, fine. I’m willing. I’M WILLING! SPARE ME FROM YOUR VISUAL ANGUISH OF WHAT-IF!

Maya: Aww. Pearl is truly happy because of you, Nick.

Phoenix: (sigh) Thanks, Maya.

wehn tehy gawt bak it wux 4:20 am so tehy pertended 2 sleep.

Franziska: It’s indeed 4:20 pm last time.

(Maya glares at Franziska)

Franziska: Ok, fine, next slide!

egde worth and maya fall aslepp having seckz so wehn tehy woke up tehy put tehir clothes on. when pheenicks woke up he kot egedwerth moking out wit maya so he was pissed butt egedworth shot him dead and maya didnr kare becuz she was koising edgewort

Phoenix: Finally, I’m dead so I can be spared from every humiliation.

Franziska: Another murder charge? Noted.

Maya: It’s not right. I do care for everyone and I would not treat death as mere child’s play.

Edgeworth: You do have the "right" choice of word, even in this type of scenario.

gumshoo woek up end raped perl tehn he sad whet hepppend 2 feenickskcskx edge wort wus making out so he couldnt say anything butt gumshoo saw teh rifle and teh gunshotz so he siad seems legit edgewort. tehn he raped perl twice as hard.

All: …

Maya: Please, tell me my eyes were mistaken.

tehn he raped perl twice as hard.

Maya: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Edgeworth: (That’s how you explain killing two birds in one stone or killing four sporkers in one statement.)

Franziska: What in monstrosity?

Edgeworth: (closing his eyes) You mean the language aspect or narrative aspect?

Franziska: Obviously the language aspect…and narrative aspect.

Maya: ARGH! THAT’S IT! (abruptly standing up) I don’t care if the spirit or ghost would haunt this new sporking theater. I am only two centimeters away from that decision.

(Phoenix tries to restrain Maya)

Phoenix: Oh no, she was about to-

Edgeworth: Ms. Fey, please restrain yourself. (Please, not now! If Mia found out about that, I’m getting sore)

Franziska: (That’s sad. Shame on you, fools. No one talks about how horrible Detective Gumshoe was written. Of course, I don't outright say that because I don’t want to show my empathetic emotion especially to these trio fools. No one is a mind reader anyway.)

Management: I can read mind. Thank you very much!

Franziska: Agree, welco…what?

wehn egdewrorth was dun with maya he siad the uther ruum smelz liek weed maya waented 2 ckeck it out and gumshoo was having fun with sexks. maya and ecgenfejenworth went 2 teh other ruum and found ther neibor.

Edgeworth: Alright, let’s bet for the mysterious neighbor.

Phoenix: I bet it would be Franziska von-

*WHIP*

Phoenix: OWOWOWOWOWOW!

Franziska: I will not be in the story sooner unlike you trio fool.

Maya: Hmm. It reminds me of Dee Vasquez from the first case we’re working together. You know, the pipe smoke she always holding.

tehri neibor wux a famos drug deeler naemd matt engarde

*WHIP*

Phoenix: YEOOOOWCCHHHH!

Franziska: Serves right of having the wrong answer.

Edgeworth: Matt Engarde? He should be in jail for the murder and now, he is doing another type of crime.

Maya: Now, he gets fame from doing an infamous crime. What an unfair for someone working on a clean career.

Phoenix: And would you consider assistant as a career?

Maya: Come on, Nick, it wasn’t that bad.

when matt saw tehm come into his room he said GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR FAGGOTS! IMMMA FUCKING TIRED OF YOU FUCKING BLACKS SO GET THE FUCK DOWN!

Edgeworth: I just realize that this one they’re doing can be considered a physical invasion of neigborhood’s property. It may work as a basis for theft and robbery. They may be arrested for this crime, that is.

Phoenix: That means you are in for Matt Engarde. How pathetic?

Edgeworth: Only for this situation, Mr. Wright.

I SIAD GET THE FUCK DOWN YOU FUCKING JEW! YOU FUCKING BLACK-ASSED FAGGOT JEW BLACK GAY FAG!

Franziska: Ah. The only one of the instances that the author gets spelling right 15 times per its word. No, missing punctuation always convinces me that I don’t congratulate this fiction. And also, no, you’re still not constructing a perfect sentence which is clean of grammar errors.

Edgeworth: Also, in the exception of scripts, you can just add “screamed Engarde” rather than having unnecessary all-capitalization techniques.

maya got a rifel and shawt him ded egde worth found he had $420,666,696,969 dollerz wurth uv weed and kokaine. so maya sad were rich! yea! man i want sum weed rite now egde worth lit up a blunt and smokd it 4 a few munits

Edgeworth: It looks like the "basis of theft and robbery" is based all along.

Franziska: Another charge of second-degree murder? Noted. A charge of robbery? Noted. A charge of possession of illegal drugs? Noted. Now, this is a pile-up on my table in the prosecution's office.

Maya/Edgeworth: HEY!

Phoenix: So, any thoughts on practicing illegal vices, guys?

Maya: Not in a million years. Or make it a billion years. Food is my recreational enjoyment only.

Edgeworth: I would prefer not to suffocate with my own smoke. I would rather have an obituary similar to this…

CRIME RECONSTRUCTION:Miles Edgeworth died peacefully in the age of 76 from natural death. He serves as Chief Prosecutor who works to tear down corruption and mob crime, thus, bringing back the public’s trust towards the police and court. Everyone misses him including the one who wrote this obituary.

Edgeworth: Not this.

CRIME RECONSTRUCTION:Miles Edgeworth died with financial and social instability with lung disease resulting from addiction to drugs and smoking. He was once a prosecutor but due to unforeseen circumstances, he became a serial killer and drug user, who terrorizes every public and the police. Not sure but why should I write this obituary for a massacre’s culprit?

Phoenix: Good call, good call.

tehn he belw up teh wall 2 tehir room butt teh bellboi was tehre! egde wroth h8ted teh bellboi so he kild him

Franziska: A destruction to one’s property and possession of explosive weapons? No-ted. Congratulations, you are now the chaos towards the society.

Edgeworth: Alright, this is insane. What reason is there that I have hatred for the bellboy, enough to kill him? No, aside from illegal vices or the races.

(Maya was about to speak)

Edgeworth: If you’re asking about why it is necessary to blow a room, maybe to hide the body. However, this purpose destroys if you add another charge of murder after that.

Maya: …

Phoenix: Well, after that, they have to go home and do what is typical in this fanfiction. You know, the three-letter word thingy?

Franziska: …

Management: The Management reminds Phoenix Wright that this sporking session is now in freestyle mode. You can do whatever you want.

Phoenix: How about leaving the theater?

Management: …No.

Phoenix: Damn.

tehn tehre wure 68 moar witnezzez so maya, edgeowrht, and gumshoo kild tehm all the total killin aded up to 69 pepel

Phoenix: Hey, the total kill count should be 72 since you killed fic-me, the guy from the McDonald, and Matt Engarde. The correct term here is "total witness kill count" or “total killing added up to 69 witnesses”

Franziska: Then, you are now the public enemy to society. Also, congratulations, by massacre, you created another set of witnesses that you needed to kill. Either way, it’s unsuccessful.

Edgeworth: NGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Maya: WE! ARE! NOT! CRIMINAL!

egde wroth rapd perl and sad thet you were a witess 2 so he kild her

(Edgeworth was about to speak)

Maya: Nope, just nope.

(Edgeworth concedes)

Franziska: (Nice choice.)

tehn tehy wantred to get the fuk out so tehy did.

Franziska: A worst charge goes to the rape, sexual assault, murder, and child abuse. This story should have been titled, “A List of Crimes for Dummies. Don’t Forget that Wrong Grammar is a Moralistic Crime to the Language”.

Maya: Or “Ten Reasons Why Mr. Edgeworth Should Not Be The Hobo, Don’t Believe Number 5”

Edgeworth: “Ten Logical Reasons Why Bad Fanfiction Should Be Burned In Ground, Number Seven would shock you.”

Phoenix: And “Ten Tips to Insult Everyone In the World, Number 3 will Probably Start a World War 3”

Management: Or “Ten Why’s of Existence of Sporking Theatre, Number 1 satisfies you”

(The four glares at the Management)

Management: …Right, here goes the outro.

Phoenix/Maya: Ahh, FINALLY!

Edgeworth: (Finally and argh, my food getting colder.)

NOTE ANNOUNCEMENT THE rasist ternabot series is DISCONTINUED!

Franziska: Finally, I can now escape from the torturous fic with no respect to English grammar.

Maya: At least, everything they do to us, especially Pearly, will be finally over. OVER!

Phoenix: Hmm, at least this session ends early as possible. (Or I mean, too early.)

Edgeworth: A toast for the admittance of fiction’s discontinuation!

Maya: Cheers, Mr. Edgeworth! (Edgeworth drinks the tea)

but it will be continued in MILES EDGEWORTH: ACE ATTORNEY!

Edgeworth: PFFFTTTTTTT!!!!..(cough)...(cough)

Phoenix/Maya: Miles Edgeworth: Ace Attorney??

Edgeworth: You read that right. So, I’m not going to imagine what would be in this story.

Franziska: Again, it’s impossible, especially everything that occurs. What can you expect from the PIC who would reinstate Mr. Miles Edgeworth in his prosecution career, who recently joined the terror group, the serial killer, the drug user, and above all, the child abuser?

Edgeworth: No need to spell it out but good point, good point. (At least, I’m not going to read another of this shark-jumping thematic fic.) -- (The light turns on, then the cinema screen fades out) Maya: Alright, since it’s over, now it’s time for our comment and we leave.

HOLD IT!

Management: Never rush because there is still more I can say regarding this.

Franziska: Then, why are we still here? That’s the full story. Zero, zip, zilch, nada anything to spork. The author even stated the discontinuation.

Management: …Mr. Wright.

Phoenix: !!!

Management: You know the contradiction that I have been showing to you.

Edgeworth: What contradiction you’re talking about?

Management: Come on, oh wait. Forget the contradiction. I mean this story ends, so thus the sporking session.

Phoenix: My psyche-locks. It’s…I know he’s lying

Come on, oh wait. Forget the contradiction. I mean this story ends, so thus the sporking session.

Phoenix: But what?

Management: Oh, you notice it. Alright, let’s have this one to be noticed in formality and simplicity. I am the one who was contradicted. But when exactly?

Phoenix: You were contradicted when…

A. Beginning

B. During

C. Ending

Phoenix: The ending, itself!

Management: !!!

Phoenix: Specifically the last fic statement. You even tell us that the next statement is the outro. This is not something that the Management would warn us about. That’s the only time you do.

Management: I do that because it is for your goodness.

Phoenix: Let’s connect to the beginning, shall we? You are vague about the stories, you never tell us if it’s multi-chaptered or stand-alone. I guess revealing the story's title but during the sporking is brilliant. So, the only time we have is reacting through it. Also, the buffet is so much in quantity. We don’t have time to eat everything else if this sporking session ends right now.

Edgeworth: Argh! You mean?

Phoenix: Yes, the Management is a liar. So, my conclusion here is that…

There is something else in this fanfiction that we yet to see.

Management: Interesting conclusion. But let me tell you, is there any confirmation for your conclusion? Maybe what I do is for the greater good.

Phoenix: So, basically you’re asking for proof?

Management: Right, but I’m tired of hearing “proof”, so yeah! And don’t make any attempt to research this fanfic. All internet and data connections are cut down to bits.

Phoenix: (Now, There is something in my mind for a bit.)

Phoenix: Wait. I think about it. Where is the...

Franziska: You mean anything with perfect spelling and grammar?

Phoenix: No, no, I mean the-

Franziska: A creative name rather than naming "the beginning" as the introduction to the narrative.

Phoenix: No, no, it's the-

Franziska: Zero, zip, zich, nada.

Phoenix: Argh!

Phoenix: Now the question is: Is there anything that I can prove that the fiction is multi-chaptered? Or can I prove it?

A. YES

B. NO

Phoenix: No…NO! There is no contradiction. You’re just mistaken. (Of course, if I said yes, the sporking session would-)

Management: Liar, you indeed denying it. You have doubts, aren’t you? You and I know what is a contradiction and there should be a proof for that. You’re not going away from this Theater if we never arrive at the absolute truth.

Phoenix: (Argh! He’s the Management. Of course, I have no control of the situation.)

Management: Your response, Mr. Wright?

Phoenix: (It seems I have no choice.)

A. YES

B. NO (DENIED)

Phoenix: Yes, I have proof.

Management: Ok, tell me. What’s your confirmation that this story is multi-chaptered, not a stand-alone?

Phoenix: Obviously, the sporking transcript with attached fiction. (Besides, I don’t have anything else other than my badge, a glass of water, and a chicken sandwich.)

Management: A transcript? You know, it’s synonymous with throwing me a Physics book and asking me to learn numbers but that would turn out vague, don’t you think? So, tell me specifically, what part of the transcript would you emphasize?

A. First part

B. Middle part

C. Last part

Phoenix: Obviously, the last part, the one when you are contradicted.

Management: Ok, we narrow from book to chapter. However, it’s not very specific. Tell me, what statement of the fiction would you want to focus on?

A. Third to the last

B. Second to the last

C. Last

Phoenix: Second to the last!

NOTE ANNOUNCEMENTTHE rasist ternabot series is DISCONTINUED!

Management: Alright, we narrow down from chapter to page. However, we are still nowhere from specificity.

Phoenix: I want you to focus…

A. NOTE ANNOUNCEMENT

B. THE rasist ternabot series is DISCONTINUED!

Phoenix: This statement!

Management: This one? But it only tells the discontinuance of a fiction, even Mr. Edgeworth emphasized this…with a toast.

Phoenix: That’s why I have to point out a word within this statement.

Management: Interesting! So, tell me what word you have to pinpoint yourself.

A. THE

B. rasist

C. ternabot

D. series

E. is

F. DISCONTINUED

Phoenix: The word I have to focus on is series.

Management: !!!

Phoenix: By its definition, it’s a set of writings written in the same format. Maybe, the writing can be considered a chapter while the set makes up into whole fanfiction. If the fiction we spork is a stand-alone story, he should only state it as “the rasist turnabout story”. So, what we’re reading the whole story is only Chapter 1.

Edgeworth: GAH! Is it true?

Phoenix: Not only that. I can say with certainty that a note announcement does not belong to the first chapter. It belongs to another chapter.

Management: GAH!

Phoenix: Is that right, Mr. Management?

Management: You’re really Phoenix Wright, after all. I take it.

Phoenix: So, you admit it?

Management: Fine, everything is true. The note announcement, the second-to-the-last and the last statement, belongs to Chapter 7…

Franziska: So, you mean to tell me that the fiction contains seven whole chapters?

Management: Not something that you think. The correct term here is that you have already read Chapter 1 and Chapter 7 or the beginning and the end. And also I intentionally omit the part of the story, especially the first ones. So, the true one would be like this:

cheptr 1 teh weed warz

chapetr wan: teh beginin

Franziska: PHOENIX WRIGHT!

Phoenix: (Oh no.)

Franziska: WHY YOU NEVER TELL ME IN THE VERY BEGINNING?

Phoenix: I tried to tell you but you...

(Franziska was about to whip Phoenix but-)

Management: Well, the true outro for Chapter 1 goes to…

2 be kontinued!1111!

All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

---

Phoenix: And just like that, our dignity comes to an end. I ran away from the theater... and wandered the streets alone. I never saw my friends again. I heard the comment about this fiction. It’s bad literally, it destroys me. The “miracle” indeed never happen. Maybe it was never meant to. Because a "miracle" is something that doesn't exist.

---

END OF CHAPTER 1

COMING SOON FOR CHAPTER 2

[rubiaryutheroyal]

I finally got around to setting up a Patreon

I would have gone into this post a lot earlier with all the energy I could bring, but after the Nintendo Direct, I haven't been able to stop wheezing at the new Mario Bros movie cast. I'm DEPLETED.

Anyway, since someone brought it to my attention in an old tumblr ask, I've been stewing for the past several months over how to set up a Patreon page, how much I should even ask for, and what I should deliver. For the longest time, I was actually against it because I always saw my translation work as a volunteer job and I didn't need the money. But eventually my family situation changed and I've been under lots of pressure to find a job over the past year, to little result.

So I finally caved and did something. Here ya go:

https://www.patreon.com/rubia_ryu

With this set up, I'm finally taking this blog work seriously and will stop running into hiatuses if I can help it. (This goes for my big project on the main blog too, but that's a separate schedule.) I think I've kept the subscription costs reasonably low. I'm not trying to stop global warming here or anything, ha. I ultimately decided to feature two main things:

1. Any major or bulk translation requests, like for at least 5 whole pages of text or more than 15 minutes of video, basically stuff that could take me anywhere from half an hour to several hours to comb through for details, I will redirect you to this page. Depending on your bargaining skills, however, I may let you off and work it for free or whatever you feel comfortable paying. Just DM me.

2. I'm reviving the Sporking Theater, at least my take on it! I'll add in a separate FF7 expansion pack too for the lulz; maybe for other franchises too, but they're still pending. Send me your fic requests. It can be any age rating. I marked my page as "includes adult content" just in case.

If you don't know what that is, Court-Records Forums was a hubbub back in the day for all Ace Attorney news and chat, and one of the best threads on that site was the Sporking Theater, where friends and I would roleplay as various characters (the sporkers) and poke fun at awful fanfiction, all with the authors' permission. Think Mystery Science Theater 3000 (if you're old enough to know that) or Cinema Sins on Youtube. Rest assured I will always make sure the author has given consent. I will screenshot and frame it if I have to.

Also, to be clear, any quick translation requests like asking me about something or if you need clarifying on something you found, you can just ask me as usual. No donations necessary.

-

Reblog this post or I'll be a sad pupper. This has been Rubia Ryu the Royal Pomeranian.

[blazingacrossthesky]

Jennifer Hudson’s vocals for Memory give me chills exactly how Elaine Paige’s vocals as Grizabella gave me chills. Exactly. And I never thought anyone could rival her as Grizabella, pretty much ever. To say that I am excited is an UNDERSTATEMENT!!!

This will be the movie event for me of THE YEAR!!! I mean...J. Hud as Grizabella. Judy Dench as what looks to be a female Old Deuteronomy? Which I’m totally here for. Ian McKellan as what looks to be Gus the Theater Cat which HELLO PERFECT CASTING. *sings* “Jay-son Derulooo” as an odd but surprisingly fitting choice as Rum Tum Tugger (I’m seriously not even mad, he totally fits the role. And this is coming from someone who is a mega fan of the musical). Rebel Wilson as what looks like the cat who trains the mice? Whose name I currently forgot. But in any case good casting there too, and if I got the character for her correct, please please PLEASE don’t make her into a joke! Also James Corden as Bustofer Jones which HELLO AGAIN PERFECT CASTING!!! COME THROUGH!!! P. S. Tom Hooper, if you don’t give Bustofer Jones his giant spork cane I personally am going to be very upset. And @taylorswift, looking great as a cat, her lifelong dream role lol (I kid I kid, but she does love cats you can’t deny that. And Olivia, Meredith, and Benjamin are adorable).

It’ll be interesting to see what they do with Mungojerry and Rumpleteazer (haven’t looked at the IMDB casting page, gonna surprise myself at the theater) and whether they’re gonna stick to the original version (where they didn’t really exist and were just part of a show put on by Magical Mister Mistoffolees (in which he played both of them if I understood correctly?)) or the Really Useful Group version in which they were their own separate characters. Also it’ll be cool to see how they do Macavity and which Macavity song they end up doing (the RYG one which is what I grew up with, or the Broadway revival one?).

And another P. S. to Tom Hooper (a P. P. S. if you will and you wanna get technical), that train scene better be in here (where they make a train with the available garbage around them). And Skimbleshanks better be a thing!!!!! Or you and I are gonna have something to talk about. Lol (No but seriously please include Skimbleshanks please and thank you.)

In any case, I’m just really excited and to the person who posted that tweet on Twitter:

It’s a great year to be a cat, fym?

I am a cat now and somehow that was everything #CatsMovie