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pixiegrl · 4 years ago

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The Monster Mash, It Was a Graveyard Smash

This was a Halloween fic for the 5SOS Halloween Fic Event organized by @ashesonthefloor! Thank you for doing this! I had alot of fun writing this fic. Shout out to Liz for editing! And Mel for being my hype woman and letting me bounce ideas off you!

The prompt was: "That's not a Halloween costume? You actually look like that??" (could be fangs, horns, wings, literally whatever supernatural element you want) Or one person has supernatural aspects and spends Halloween night with the other person. The other doesn't realize it's not a costume until they're gold/the next day/whatever you decide to do"

It’s also on ao3 at: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27262129/

Luke is regretting his decision to tell Michael that he would get the decorations for their apartment. He only agreed because Michael loves Halloween, but he cannot be trusted to do the shopping. He’ll buy everything in the store and then will they not only have money, Luke will have to spend the whole month being terrified of his apartment and what might pop out at him. Michael is endlessly fascinated by Halloween, a holiday fairies don’t celebrate. It’s a human-made holiday, and before they left Australia and their little home clan of magic to move to New York, they’d never encountered anything like it. Even though they’ve been here for roughly five years now and have come to understand most of the other holidays people celebrate, Michael loves Halloween the most. It’s the one thing he insists on celebrating, despite Luke’s protests against it. Luke likes fall, but he doesn’t like being scared, which seems to be Michael’s favorite part. He’s been banned from decoration shopping since the time he hung a skeleton from the ceiling that caused Luke to scream and cry upon entering the apartment.

Luke doesn’t get Halloween. It’s such a human holiday and, despite how much he likes dressing up and eating candy, he doesn’t understand Michael's fascination with it. He finds the whole thing to be too scary and overdone for his liking.

Usually, they have enough Halloween decorations for the apartment but, in a fit of rage last year, Luke threw some of them out after Michael had left a fake spider in his bed. Which is probably one of the reasons that Michael forced Luke to go this year. It’s his least favorite thing, having to go to the store and go through the aisles to find something that Michael likes. Luke doesn’t like anything terrifying, which is unfortunately all Michael ever wants. Luke has already had to avoid the fake snakes and serial killer franchise masks just to get to the decorations.

He’s been standing in the decorations aisle for twenty minutes now, trying to decide between the scary decorations (some kind of bloody werewolf head, which Luke thinks might be inaccurate) and the cute ones (a small, smiling purple bat). He’s also partial to the black rose wreath hanging up, but he’s worried Michael will say it’s too “soft” for the scary punk vibes he prefers. He also knows Michael desperately wants to impress his new boyfriend, Calum, with their decorations.

Luke is finally steeling himself to take the werewolf's head and be done with it when he hears a groan next to him.

“You’re not really going to take that, are you?” The voice says. There’s an Australian accent there, which surprises Luke so far away from home. So far in New York, it feels like it’s just him and Michael and now Michael’s boyfriend Calum, who are from his home country. He turns, wondering what kind of stranger just decides to address someone in the store and is surprised by the person staring back at him. It’s a rather attractive guy, all brown curls with brown eyes and dimples in his cheeks showing as he’s smiling at Luke. Luke blushes, glancing away from him and back to the head.

“My roommate likes scary decorations and stuff.”

“Well, it’s a horrible stereotype. How would you like it if someone hung your face up on a wall, full of teeth and blood?”

Luke wrinkles his nose. He’s never met a werewolf, but he can’t imagine it would be fun to have people think that. It’s already not fun when he and Michael meet people who automatically assume that fairies are out to trick people and con them. Luke only did that once and it was to pass a class.

“I guess. But they are hunters.”

“Please, they’d be much more civilized than that. You don’t go around eating your meat raw and bloody do you? Besides, who even hunts to eat anymore?”

“Well, what about full moons then? What about a transformation?”

“You mean why do werewolves have to hunt and kill? Maybe they just like playing with their friends and rough housing. They certainly don’t look like that,” the guy says, jerking his thumb towards the head.

“Well, I have to go home with something. What do you propose if you’re so against the werewolf head?” Luke asks. The guy lights up immediately, full of enthusiasm. If he was a dog, his tail would be wagging.

“You seem like someone who would like something elegant. What about this?” He says, pulling the wreath off the rack and handing it to Luke. In this light, up close, Luke can see that there’s glitter on the edges, letting the roses sparkle in the light. Luke runs his finger over the edge, wondering if he can spell it so that the roses will be more realistic and alive, while still being wholly fake and preserved. He’s surprised this stranger was able to figure out so quickly what Luke likes, but it could be the floral shirt that he’s wearing, too.

Luke glances up, smiling gently to show his approval. The guy grins even wider, dimples deepening.

“What else do you suggest?” Luke asks. The guy immediately starts to pull things from the shelves, babbling at Luke about how nice the various things are, small smiling bats and little arched black cats. He goes around pulling out the most objectively least scary things that somehow manage to be adorable. Luke is a little in love with this man, who’s dumping a fake candelabra into his basket, telling him that the black and gold looks elegant, but spooky.

They stop in front of the fake animal skeletons. Luke is a little put off by the incorrect spiders and snakes. They’re not supposed to look like that at all, beady eyes staring at him. The cat draws his attention though, arched back and skeletal smile on its jaw. It looks...fun. Wholesome. Luke reaches out and pets along the back, charmed by how incorrect it truly is, little ears and all.

“You should get it,” The guy says. Luke looks over at him, startled by how fond his face is staring back at Luke. Luke blushes, embarrassed that this guy saw him petting a skeleton cat. The guy doesn’t seem to care, simply picking the cat up and holding it out to him.

“It’s silly.”

“Nothing’s silly if it makes you smile,” he says, holding the cat out further towards him. Luke takes her, staring down into the cat’s little face. It smiles back at him.

“What should I name her? Names are important you know,” Luke says solemnly. It’s a fairy tradition, after all.

The guy furrows his brow, biting his lip a little. “Name her Petunia. A nice name for a nice cat.”

Luke smiles, nodding. “Petunia. I like it.”

The guy grins back at him, “Anytime. Always glad to help a cute stranger on their quest for Halloween.”

He walks away, throwing Luke a wave and a wink. Luke blushes, staring down at Petunia. Naturally she offers him no advice in the matter.

It isn’t until Luke gets home and has faced the ire of Michael because of the lack of scary Halloween decorations that he realizes he should have asked the cute guy for his name and number. Now, he’s never going to see him again. It’s the real travesty of the night, leaving Luke sad, followed around by a little storm cloud as he wallows in his unhappiness.

***

Luke can’t believe he’s waited this long to buy candy. Usually they’re on top of it, big bags of assorted candy bought at the start of the season, ready to give out to the kids in their apartment building and for Luke and Michael to binge eat while watching movies. However, this is the first year they’ve thrown a Halloween party and they’ve mis-estimated the amount of candy needed. They still have a few weeks left, but they’ve realized that the usual two bags won’t cut it if they’re having people over and want to put it out for the party.

Michael is busy with work all day, but still insisted that if they want to get any of the good stuff, it has to be done today. So now Luke is standing in yet another aisle of a department store, trying to figure out what on Earth Michael means by “the good stuff.”

Luke knows that he likes Reese’s and that Michael is partial to anything with mint in it, but Luke’s not sure what else to get. Chocolate and candy isn’t really a thing for fairies growing up. It wasn’t until Luke and Michael moved to New York that they’ve even come into contact with the stuff and he’s still learning what it is that people like. He’s got a bag of assorted chocolates, a couple packs of mint chocolate Kit Kat’s for Michael, and a bag of mini Reese’s for himself, but he feels like he’s missing something.

“You can’t only be buying chocolate,” A voice says next to Luke. Luke startles at the familiar accent, turning to see that it’s the same guy from the decorations. Luke is dumbstruck by the coincidence of the whole thing. Here he was, sure he’d never see the man again and now here he is, standing in the candy aisle of a Walgreens and telling him that he’s making the wrong candy choices.

“It’s you,” Luke says, at a loss for what else to say. The guy grins, all sparkling eyes and dimples. He looks like a Disney prince.

“I’d ask if you’re stalking me, but I don’t know if you’d be doing that in a drug store at 3pm on a Monday. How’d your roommate like the decorations?”

“Mad that they weren’t scary. Said I ruined the holiday until his boyfriend came over and said he preferred our decorations to the other things he’s seen for the season. Now Michael can’t get enough of them. Although he keeps trying to change Petunia’s name.”

“Well he’s not allowed to. That’s her name and it’s the only one she’ll answer to,” the guy says, serious expression on his face broken by the wink he sends Luke. Luke blushes, turning back to the candy.

“First you judge my decoration choices, now you’re judging my choice in candy. What will you judge next?” Luke teases.

“Well, you pick scary decorations and now chocolate. I’m starting to think you have a vendetta against werewolves.”

Luke scoffs, trying to put on an air of disbelief. “Come on, you don’t really think werewolves are real.”

“It is Halloween season. Anything is possible.” He grins. Luke notices his teeth look a little sharper than most people’s, but doesn’t think anything of it.

“What else am I supposed to buy if not for chocolate? It’s a staple of the season.”

The guy furrows his brow, turning to look at the shelves of candy. He snaps his fingers and leans down, grabbing a bag of what looks like sour gummies. He tosses the bag into Luke’s basket.

“Oh, so werewolves don’t like chocolate, but they like candy that hurts to eat.”

“If werewolves are part dog, they’d have chocolate allergies. Sour candy is safe and allergy free. Besides, maybe they like a little kick with their sweet,” The guy says, winking.

Is this guy flirting with him? Luke can’t possibly be that lucky.

“Well, I wouldn’t know anything about that. I tend to prefer saltiness with my chocolate,” Luke says. The guy grins even wider and Luke blushes, realizing it sounds a bit like a come on.

“Guess you’ll just have to try it and see.”

Luke turns away, grabbing another bag of sour gummies and putting it in with the others. Luke turns to the guy, ready to ask him for his name and number, when his phone goes off. He shoots Luke an apologetic look and pulls it out of his pocket, eyes going wide when he sees the name of whoever it is.

“Sorry, I have to take this. Good luck with Halloween.” And with that he rushes out of the store, partially running to get outside.

Dejected, Luke buys his candy and heads back to the apartment. He dumps it onto the counter, ripping open one of the bags of sour gummies to give it a try. They’re not bad, the little bit of kick at the edge of sweetness is enough to override the loss of feeling Luke’s having in his mouth after the first bag.

Michael comes home an hour later, finding Luke moping on the couch with his candy. When asked, all Luke can say is that the universe is out to stop him from getting a boyfriend. Michael wants to know what sour gummies, something neither of them has had before, has to do with any of that.

***

Luke isn’t sure how he ended up here in the Halloween store, but it seems to be where he is. A combination of needing to get away from Michael and Calum’s making out and general boredom has led him here. It’s the last week before Halloween and he’s rummaging through the remains of what’s left for costumes, combing through glittery fairy wings and bad makeup. It’s really his fault for waiting so long to find a costume for the party, but it’s not like Luke actually needs a costume at all. He is a fairy and so, understandably, he already has fairy wings to wear. He has slightly pointed ears and golden eyes and there’s glitter that goes with him everywhere. It doesn’t mean it’s not still fun to go to the stores, watch the teen girls try to look like mermaids and little kids dress up in superhero costumes. Luke just usually tries to go earlier than this because now all that’s left are the rejected costumes and the college students trying to make a mad dash to make something out of whatever is left.

Luke shifts through the fairy costumes so he can send pictures to Michael of what people seem to think fairies look like when someone bumps into him. He startles, turning around.

The person who’s bumped into him looks to be a guy about his age, with windswept brown hair and large brown eyes. He throws his hands up in mock surrender when he sees Luke looking at him. It reminds Luke vaguely of a puppy who knows they’ve done something wrong and is trying to look innocent. He looks familiar, but Luke’s not sure why.

“Oh, I’m sorry about that. Should really be more careful about where I’m going,” The guy says. Luke perks up at the hint of Australian accent. It can’t be that same guy Luke’s been running into all over town. First with the decorations and then the candy. Is it too much to hope that Luke would meet the cute guy here? What are the odds he’d also be looking for a costume last minute? Maybe the universe doesn’t hate him after all.

“It’s you! My werewolf decoration and no chocolate guy!” Luke says, grinning when the guy breaks into a full smile.

“I knew you looked familiar! Could never forget a pretty face like that. It seems that fate has brought us together in this horribly placed Halloween store. Ashton,” The guy says, sticking his hand out. Luke takes it gently, letting the guy shake it with far too much enthusiasm for someone he’s only met a handful of times. He really does remind Luke of an overeager puppy. Luke might already have a crush on him, with how cute and happy he is.

“Luke. Feels nice to finally be on a first name basis with the man my roommate has a grudge against now.”

Ashton laughs, a short bark of a thing. “So, what brings you to a costume store so late in the season? You seem too put together to have waited until the last minute, considering how detailed you were about the decorations and the candy.”

Luke blushes. “Oh, I have my costume. I just like to come to the stores and look around. There’s something funny about going to a Halloween store so late and seeing the chaos of it all. Besides, it can never hurt to have too many accessories for a look. Who would wait this long anyway?”

Ashton laughs, “Well, then it seems I’m the chaos you’re looking for. I managed to wait for the last minute for a costume and now I’m rushing to find one for a last minute party. Maybe you could help me?”

Luke’s a little surprised. It’s rather bold of Ashton to ask a stranger to accompany him while looking for costumes. Not that Luke’s going to turn down what feels like a date with a cute guy. He hasn’t gone on a date with a cute guy in ages. Maybe he can manage to convince Ashton to hold his hand.

“We can certainly try. What are you looking for?”

“I’m not sure yet. Usually I like to take a look around and see what’s left. Sometimes it’s fun, trying to make a costume out of the things people don’t want.”

Luke is horrified. “How can you not plan for something like that? Costumes take detail and work. Why would you leave it all up to chance?”

“Maybe you need to learn to live a little, Luke.”

“You wouldn’t say that if you knew what my costume is.”

Ashton looks him up and down and it feels a little like being checked out. He preens a little under Ashton’s gaze. Ashton looks up, blushing slightly when he meets Luke’s eyes.

“Let me guess. You’ll be a princess. Or a mermaid. Since you are Australian and all.”

Luke shakes his head, “Close, but not quite.”

Ashton glances over at the fairy wings Luke's been looking at. “Oh! A fairy. How charming. It fits you.”

“Are you going to be a prince? You’d make a nice companion for Cinderella.”

Ashton laughs, “Can’t say that princesses are my thing, really. Besides, princes are boring and stuffy. It lacks imagination and adventure.”

Luke looks around, “Unless you wanna be a prince or a superhero, it looks like you’re out of luck shopping at this place. They’re almost out of everything since, you know, it’s the week before Halloween.”

“I know a better costume store a bit outside of the city. Why don’t we set up a day and go shopping together? Since you seem to have a lot of opinions about my outfit, it seems fitting you should help me look,” Ashton says, holding his hand out, raising his eyebrows expectantly. There’s a pause as Luke realizes that Ashton is asking Luke for his phone. For his number.

Luke can do little else but take out his phone, unlock it, and hand it over to Ashton. He messes around with it for a few moments, inputting his number and sending a text to himself. He hands the phone back to Luke smiling.

“There. Now you have my number. Text me when you’re free and we’ll set something up,” Ashton says, winking at Luke as he turns on his heel. Dumbstruck, Luke looks down at his phone, laughing when he realizes that Ashton put a little wolf emoji next to his name. He’s really committed himself to this joke it seems. Luke is too on Cloud Nine to think about it any further, going home to proclaim to Michael that he’s finally met the love of his life and that they’re going on a date.

***

Luke has been anxious waiting for his “date” with Ashton. He refuses to call it a date, doesn’t want to get his hopes up, even though Michael has been calling it one for the last week. He’s been talking to Ashton almost nonstop since getting his number. It’s been fun, sending Ashton his daily thoughts and happenings of the day. He’d sent Ashton a picture of chocolate the other day and had gotten a little frowny face emoji in response. It’s terribly endearing of Ashton and Luke thinks it’s funny that he’s so committed to some goofy werewolf joke for the season.

They’d agreed to meet on the 30th, later in the afternoon after work, which seemed like a dumb idea to Luke, even if Ashton insists that it’s more fun going through Halloween stores to try and make a costume out of what’s leftover. Especially because Ashton insists that the store he knows outside of the city has better things. Luke has been standing outside of the subway entrance for the last fifteen minutes and he’s starting to get nervous that Ashton isn’t coming. Luke’s just about steeled himself to give up and go home when Ashton comes sprinting down the block, stopping directly in front of Luke. He bends in half, hands on his knees as he tries to catch his breath.

“Sorry. I got a little hung up this morning and lost track of time,” Ashton says, still trying to take a deep breath. He looks disheveled and winded, curls tangled around his face and brown eyes wide as he looks up at Luke. He looks like he’s doing his best imitation of a puppy who knows they shouldn’t have wrecked something and now they’re hoping to fix it by being cute. Luke would like to pretend it won’t work on him, but who is he kidding.

“It’s fine. I was just worried you forgot,” Luke says, trying to keep his tone light and not betray his worry.

“How could I forget a date with the cutest guy to look at costumes?” Ashton asks, an earnest expression on his face.

Luke blushes, glancing away from Ashton. He doesn’t want to admit how much of an effect Ashton has on him. He hasn’t known Ashton long enough to be this smitten.

“We should leave now if we want to make the train in time. Your running late messed up our time table,” Luke says.

Ashton grins. “Who knew you were so punctual? We’d better hurry, then.”

Ashton grabs a hold of Luke’s hand, tugging him down into the subway station. Luke allows himself to be pulled along, too focused on the grip Ashton has on his hand to pay attention to much of anything else. He’s only mildly aware of swiping his Metrocard and rushing to the right platform for the train.

They manage to make it in time, Ashton tugging them to an open seat. They collapse onto the seats, pressed close to each other. Luke is hyper aware of how their thighs are touching; they’re pressed together from shoulder to hip. Ashton hasn’t let go of Luke’s hand, instead choosing to lace their fingers together and squeeze. Luke flushes, surprised at how affectionate Ashton is with someone who is largely a stranger.

“So, how do you know about this place? You mentioned it was a little outside of town,” Luke asks, hoping that focusing on the conversation will take his attention away from Ashton’s grip. He’s never been this smitten over someone who’s human. He’s supposed to have this effect on people, not the other way around.

“A friend of a friend. I found out about it one year when I was looking for a costume in college and now I just keep going back. It’s nice. They always have a good selection and it’s usually stuff I wouldn’t know about.”

Luke hums. He doesn’t have very many friends here. Despite the fact that he works at a fairly nice interior design company in the city, it’s hard for Luke to make friends. He has to always be on alert about using his magic and about being too open with non-magical people. It makes him worried and anxious some days, especially when he uses his magic at work for little things. Sometimes he uses it to change the color of a couch or curtains when he can’t find the right color. Sometimes he uses it on the room he’s designing, to bring his clients peace and happiness. He’s never malicious with his magic. Despite the stories, fairies aren’t supposed to be mean. They’re mischievous and like playing tricks, but magic shouldn’t be mean. Luke just likes using his magic when he knows it will help his clients, give them everything they want. He knows it’s why Michael opened the little café he owns, started using magic blended into the food and drinks for happiness and easing worries and whatever else he thought people might need. It’s nice, knowing that there’s some way the two of them can help people.

Ashton clears his throat, drawing Luke’s attention back to him.

“So Luke, what do you do? You seem awfully free during the day for someone with a job.”

“I’m an interior designer. Usually I’m working at this time, but sometimes I get a little flexibility with my schedule,” Luke says. He doesn’t mention that he might have spelled his boss a little to let him leave early so he could meet Ashton. It’s not like Ashton needs that information.

Ashton gives Luke a once over, smiling a bit, “I can see that. You seem very stylish and put together. You would be something snotty.”

Luke scoffs in fake offense and smacks Ashton on the shoulder, “Well, what do you do, Mr. Big Shot, that lets you leave in the middle of a work day if you’re going to tease me?”

“I’m a lawyer. Nothing too fancy, I do copyright law and such, but it’s nice.”

“Well, maybe you’re the fancy one with your high rise job,” Luke says. Ashton frowns a little bit before he must realize Luke is teasing. He huffs, rolling his eyes.

They chat for a bit on the rest of the drive, talking about growing up back home and what brought them here (school it seems is the answer), and what it is they do at their jobs. Luke’s so caught in the conversation, he almost forgets why they’re even on this trip until Ashton perks up.

“Our stop is next.”

“What?” Luke asks, letting Ashton pull him up to stand and tug him towards the door. Luke doesn’t know how Ashton even heard any kind of announcement from where he was sitting.

Ashton ignores him, instead tugging him towards the door. Luke grabs onto one of the poles as the train slows, still managing to slide a little bit and bump into Ashton. They’re still holding hands.

The train comes to a stop and Ashton tugs Luke out and down the street, pulling them in the direction of where the shop must be. It’s an older looking building, with a sign out front advertising the Halloween store inside. It feels lived in, a product of love and familiarity around it. It puts Luke at ease a bit, convinced there won’t be creepy statues jumping out at him here.

There’s a bell over the door that dings when they enter. Ashton clears his throat before yelling, “Kaykay!”

There’s a thump from somewhere in the back of the store and then Luke hears an excited, “Ashton?”

The girl that pops out from the back curtains is short with bright blue hair. Her face breaks into a wide grin as she sprints across the store, launching herself at Ashton to wrap her arms around him in a hug. Luke doesn’t realize until Ashton tugs his hand away to hug the girl, laughing, that he’s been holding his hand the whole time. He blushes, glancing away.

“What are you doing here? I haven’t seen you in ages,” Kaykay says when she detangles herself from Ashton.

Ashton grins, “I’m taking a friend costume shopping and thought of your store. Figured I had to show him a proper Halloween store.”

They both turn their attention to Luke. Luke blushes under the gaze of this girl, clearly an old friend of Ashton’s. She narrows her eyes a bit, looking Luke up and down. He must pass whatever test she has though, because her face breaks into a grin and she sticks her hand out.

“Kaykay. I own this lovely shop. You seem much too nice for our Ashton. How on Earth did you meet him?”

“Luke. He harassed me in a store about Halloween decorations and now I can’t seem to get rid of him,” Luke says, shaking her hand. She laughs loudly, snorting slightly at the end. Ashton pouts, but there’s a look in his eyes that’s almost relief. Luke tries not to read too much into it, that Ashton’s happy that Luke and one of his friends are getting along.

“Well, if you want good costumes this is the place. I have it all. Ashton can show you around. Holler if you need anything,” She says, bumping Ashton’s shoulder with a grin as she heads towards the back again.

“How do you know her? Doesn’t seem like the kind of place for a lawyer to casually be at.”

“Her girlfriend is my tattoo artist,” Ashton says, heading in the direction of what looks like the magical creature section. Luke perks up, following him. Maybe if he plays it right, he can see Ashton’s tattoos.

Ashton rugs out a pair of purple fairy wings and shows them to Luke. They’re ornate, large and iridescent in the light. Luke’s surprised by how close to accurate they are, running his fingers along the edge of them. They remind him of his own wings as they catch the light, casting a rainbow into the ground.

“What about these?”

“They’re lovely, but I already have my costume. Besides, we’re looking for something for you,” Luke points out, letting go of the wings and setting off further into the aisle. He stops in front of the werewolf costumes, face to face with another snarling mask. He startles, taking a step back and bumping into Ashton.

“What about this? You keep making all those jokes about werewolves.”

“You can’t be serious, Luke? I mean, look at it. It’s not even close to accurate. Werewolves are part wolves, they wouldn’t stand on two legs. And besides, they wouldn’t have red eyes either.”

“You sure know a lot about werewolves for someone who claims to dislike the way they’re portrayed.”

“I, uh, read a lot,” Ashton says, blushing a bit when Luke looks at him, raising an eyebrow. It’s adorable seeing him so passionate about something. Luke leans over, brushing a strand of loose hair behind Ashton’s ear. Luke feels so warm suddenly, this close to him, casual touches and all. He can’t possibly feel like he’s known Ashton so long, so personally, but he does. It feels like Ashton keeps sharing intimate parts of himself with Luke and Luke’s never been so taken by a human before. It’s going to break Luke’s heart if Ashton figures out that Luke is a fairy and leaves him. It’s happened before, but Luke doesn’t know if he could survive this one.

A crash from the back of the store startles them both. Luke pulls his hand away from Ashton’s ear, blushing as he turns back to the costumes. He picks up a pair of wolf ears and sticks them on top of Ashton’s head.

“Here, you can wear these instead. Now you’re a cute werewolf,” Luke says, giggling. Ashton smiles, touching the tips of the ears. Luke pulls a wolf tail off the rack too, holding it out to Ashton. He laughs, sharp and quick, grinning from ear to ear.

“You’re really going to lean into the wolf thing, huh?”

“Well, you made all those werewolf comments. What else could you possibly be?” Luke says. He misses the way Ashton tenses slightly, relaxing when he must realize Luke’s teasing him.

“You need to get something too,” Ashton points out. He turns back towards where they came from, heading off in that direction again. Luke follows after him, stopping when Ashton picks up an intricate floral headpiece and puts it onto Luke’s head.

“If you’re going to be a fairy, you need a headpiece. It’s tradition,” Ashton says firmly. Luke doesn’t usually wear any type of floral headpiece because it feels too on the nose, but the earnest adoration on Ashton’s face as he looks at Luke might sway him. Luke nods and Ashton grins, taking the crown off his head and continuing through the store.

They walk around for a little bit, commenting on the different costumes and decorations until it’s late enough that they both realize they have to head back home. They take their purchases up the register, where Kaykay’s standing, staring at the two of them. She laughs, pointing at the wolf ears Ashton’s still wearing, clearly forgotten about. Ashton blushes, pulling them off and putting them on the counter for her to ring up and bag.

They head back to the subway and ride it back into the City. Luke’s exhausted suddenly, tired from the day and knowing that he’ll have to spend part of tomorrow setting up for the party.

“Have fun at your Halloween party. You’ll have to send me a picture of your outfit once you get all dressed up,” Ashton says when they finally leave the subway, getting ready to part ways.

“You’ll have to show me how the wolf ears look with your whole outfit. Very Teen Wolf of you,” Luke says. Ashton laughs and leans over, placing a kiss on Luke’s cheek before turning to walk away, waving. Luke is stunned, rooted to the spot when he realizes that Ashton just kissed him. Ashton gets halfway down the block before he stops, turning back to look at Luke, red in the face. Luke waves back, hoping his face doesn’t betray how startled he feels. Ashton waves back, turning around and heading off in his direction. Luke turns around, following suit.

He makes it all the way home, still stunned by the turn of events.

“What’s gotten into you?” Michael asks, when Luke enters the apartment.

“I think I have a crush on a human.”

Michael groans, shaking his head, “You’re a disaster fairy, you know that right?”

Luke changes Michael’s hair pink in retaliation.

***

The party’s in full swing by nine. Luke is overwhelmed, his apartment crammed with people and loud with music. He’s been playing host for the last few hours, but it’s simply too much for him to handle; too much energy to talk to all the people here and smile and laugh, when most of them are Michael’s friends, or people he’s met at the bakery and friends of friends and Luke has had to use too much of his charm to keep up appearances. He’d lost Michael as soon as Calum showed up to help set up, Michael happy to latch himself onto his boyfriend, covering him in glitter and laughing, giddy and excited. Calum is dressed as some kind of Devil, red horns and all, grinning wildly when he’d seen Michael’s look.

Michael and Luke tend to take advantage of the fairy wings, working them into every Halloween costume they do. Luke tends to go classy with his look, soft fabrics and light colors, trying to look enchanting and ethereal. Michael tends to go the way of a Victoria’s Secret model, short skirts and bright colors. Tonight’s no different. Luke can see the tips of Michael’s bright green wings in the kitchen, where he’s laughing next to Calum, in his black lacy bra and matching lacy boy shorts. This year, he’s wearing a long floral printed skirt, cut high in the front to expose the lace panties, and a matching floral see-through top on, covered in small fake flowers in bright blues. He’s surrounded by a cloud of glitter, sparkling in the light and charming everyone who’s talking to him. Although, some of that could be the fact that his nipples are practically visible in the bra and that Calum has one hand wrapped around his waist, squeezing Michael’s hip whenever someone laughs too loud or gets too close to Michael. Michael doesn’t seem to mind, though, leaning into Calum whenever he does it, turning to kiss him on the cheek.

Luke is hiding in the corner of the living room, drinking whatever cider it is they have and wondering if he can hide from the crowd in his room without being rude, when he hears a whistle to his right.

“If I’d known you would be here, I’d have brought some flowers to go with your crown,” a familiar voice next to him says. Luke perks up when he realizes who it is.

“Ashton! What are you doing here?” Luke turns, laughing when he sees Ashton. He’s wearing the wolf ears and tail they’d bought together, a red flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up and jeans. Luke can see that Ashton has a set of moon tattoos on his forearm. He looks like a perfectly ordinary “werewolf,” smiling shyly at Luke as he gets closer.

“Would you believe me if I said Calum’s my best friend? He kept saying he was going to a party his boyfriend was hosting and asked me to come along, said Michael wouldn’t mind. I have to say, the decorations I picked out look nice. And I appreciate the candy,” Ashton says, grinning as he shakes the packet of sour gummies. Luke blushes, laughing and glancing away. It’s charming, how committed Ashton is to the joke of the whole thing, standing in Luke’s living room, framed by the low lights as Monster Mash plays in the background. He can’t believe a human is having this effect on him; it's ridiculous.

“Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying the party.”

“Enjoying it much more now that I’ve seen you. I’m glad to see you’re wearing the crown. When you said you were dressing as a fairy, I wasn’t expecting this. They look so real,” Ashton says in awe, reaching out to ghost his fingers lightly over Luke’s wings. They’re beautiful, iridescent pink and purple, gold glitter shedding from them whenever Luke moves slightly. Luke’s dropped his glamour for the night, letting his ears and noses become pointer, eyes their usual liquid gold color, framed in gold eyeshadow and pink lipstick. Luke’s even wearing the flower crown, soft pink and yellow blending into his blonde curls. He thinks his wings look nice with the gauzy green tulle dress he’s wearing, covered in little fabric flowers. He’s wearing a forest green lace bodysuit underneath it, easily visible through the tulle, and nude high heels. Luke knows he looks good, miles of long legs shimmering in the light, every bit the part of ethereal fairy the storybooks say he is. Ashton looks captivated by Luke, unable to look away from his wings. It bothers Luke a little, worried that Ashton only likes him because of how pretty he looks, not because of who he is.

“They should. I paid good money for this,” Luke says, his usual answer whenever someone asks about the wings. “I should have known you’d go as a werewolf, though. Are the tattoos special just for it?”

Luke reaches out, brushing a thumb over Ashton’s forearm. Ashton shudders a little under Luke’s touch, moving his arm to give him a better view of the little red and black moons. They look like a series of moon phase tattoos. How appropriate.

“You’re very committed to your werewolf joke.”

“Yeah, something like that. I saw them in a painting once and had to get them. I’ve always liked the moon,” Ashton says, voice low, watching as Luke continues to rub his thumb over them. They’re breathing in sync, Luke realizes, connected by Luke's touch on Ashton’s skin, Ashton’s fingertips still pressed lightly to Luke’s wings. Luke wants to make a joke, turn on the charm and flirt with Ashton like he usually does with people, but he can’t find the words. He’s so captivated by Ashton and his presence, trapped in his pull.

There’s a loud whoop from the kitchen area, startling them both. Luke pulls his hand back, gripping onto his bottle tighter as Ashton coughs slightly, tugging on his sleeve.

“Do you want to, um, I can give you a tour?” Luke says, voice raising in question as he glances at Ashton. Ashton perks up at that, glancing at Luke.

“Sure. I’d love to see your little home.”

Luke nods, taking the last pull from his bottle, noticing that Ashton’s staring at his throat when he tips his head back. Luke puts the bottle on the table next to them, turning to Ashton and putting on his best flirty smile.

Luke takes Ashton’s hand, interlocking their fingers and tugging him into the back of the apartment.

“You’ve seen the kitchen and the living room already. Michael’s room is back here and so is the bathroom and my room,” Luke says. He stops in front of the bathroom door, waving his hand a little to the inside. Ashton steps in, whistling when he notices the floral shower curtain and all the other little flower accents in the room.

“You guys really like flowers don’t you?”

“Well, we have to have some nature in the middle of the big city,” Luke says, stepping in after Ashton. Luke closes the door gently behind him, muffling some of the noise from the party. Ashton turns to Luke, smiling.

“I didn’t say it was a bad thing. It’s nice, sweet of you. Matches your outfit,” He says. He takes a step towards Luke, raising his hand a little as if he’s going to touch the flowers on Luke’s dress. He glances up at Luke, tilting his head in question. Luke nods quickly.

Ashton grins, running his fingers along one of the flowers on Luke’s dress. He uses his other hand to reach up and cup Luke’s cheek in his hand, humming slightly.

“Your ears are very impressive. I’m sure Kaykay would love to know where you found them. Your eyes are so golden.”

“I use really good contacts,” Luke mumbles, turning into Ashton’s palm. He presses a soft kiss to the palm, hoping it will signal to Ashton that he wants to be kissed. Ashton seems to understand, tugging Luke down a little and pressing a soft kiss to Luke’s lips.

Luke deepens the kiss, tilting his head and nipping lightly on Ashton’s lips. Ashton growls, turning them so Luke is pressed against the countertop. Ashton pulls away, nipping along Luke’s jawline and neck. Luke squirms a little, giddy and excited about the turn of events. Ashton runs his hands along the back of Luke’s thighs. Luke sighs at the touch on his legs, warm through the dress fabric, hypersensitive and hyper aware of what’s happening.

Ashton nudges Luke slightly, obviously trying to get him to sit on the counter. Luke obliges, pushing himself up onto the edge and tugging Ashton in between his spread thighs. Ashton continues to kiss along his neck and collarbone, running his fingers along Luke’s legs, pressing under the skirt and onto his skin. Luke wraps both arms around Ashton’s shoulders, playing slightly with the curls at the base of his neck. Ashton leans up, pulling Luke back into a soft, open mouth kiss, full of warmth and the sour sweet taste of candy.

Ashton pulls back, glancing up at Luke. He’s shimmering with glitter from Luke’s touch. His face is full of such wonder and adoration and for a moment Luke is afraid. Afraid that Ashton doesn’t like him at all, that Luke’s just used his magic to have his way and Ashton is going to leave him.

“You’re so beautiful. I’m going to be covered in glitter forever.”

“Well, at least you’ll have something to remember me by,” Luke teases, trying to keep the mood light. Ashton hums, running his fingers along the edge of the body suit, squeezing at Luke’s thighs.

“As much as I love kissing you, I do tend to prefer to take the people I fancy out on dates first.”

“Oh?”

“Would you maybe want to get breakfast? Brunch? Something food related in the daylight. A proper date. Tomorrow?”

Luke’s heartbeat speeds up. Ashton looks so earnest and open, glancing up at Luke bashfully. It’s so charming and endearing to see Ashton like this.

“Of course I would,” Luke whispers, running his fingers through Ashton’s hair. Ashton grins, nuzzling into Luke’s neck as Luke laughs.

“Wonderful. Amazing. We should get back to the party before anyone misses us.”

Luke nods, let’s Ashton help him down off the countertop and straighten himself out. He presses a kiss to Luke’s bare shoulder, grinning when he catches Luke’s eye in the mirror.

They venture back into the party, going off to find Michael and Calum. Luke realizes halfway through talking to them that Ashton is holding his hand, that he hasn’t let go since the bathroom. He catches Michael’s eye, who’s grinning and wiggling his eyebrows at him. Luke huffs, glancing away from him and back to Ashton. It feels right, standing here in his kitchen, close to Ashton. It feels like he was always meant to be here. He doesn’t even mind when he has to help clean up later with Michael, after everyone has left and it’s just the two of them.

Luke changes and gets into bed, checking his phone before going to sleep, seeing that there’s a text from Ashton. It’s a little heart, message reading Good night sweet fairy. Luke blushes, but his heart soars at the idea of a boyfriend, of Ashton as his boyfriend. He knows he’ll have to explain himself tomorrow but for now, he can live in this little fantasy world where everything is perfect and no one will get their heart broken with any kind of revelation.

***

Luke is nervous. Luke has never been nervous for a date before. He’s gone out with plenty of people, human and magical alike, and he’s never been nervous. Yet here he is, standing outside of the little coffee shop he and Ashton agreed to meet at, biting his lip and twisting his ring around his finger. He’s bitten his lip raw it seems, too anxious and worked up about seeing Ashton to sit still. He’s been thinking about this since last night, spent half the night staring up at the ceiling worrying about seeing Ashton. What if Ashton only likes him because Luke accidentally used his magic? What if Ashton only likes this magical version of Luke, and not Luke, who’s regular and boring and ordinary?

Luke doesn’t know if he can take it if Ashton doesn’t like him the same way. Luke’s been known to accidentally enchant people before, put them under a fairy spell, creating love where there is none. It’ll break his heart if the spark he’s felt with Ashton is manufactured and fake. He likes Ashton so much, all teasing and bright laughs, dorky jokes and adoring eyes.

“What’s got you so focused?” Ashton’s voice startles Luke, pulling his attention to the man who’s appeared out of nowhere. Ashton looks good, with his leather jacket and windswept hair. He looks worried as he stares at Luke.

“Nothing. Just nervous, that’s all.”

Ashton reaches forward, grabbing Luke’s hand. “About what?”

Luke looks down at their interlocked fingers, blushing when Ashton rubs his thumb along the back of Luke’s hand. “Our date.”

“There’s nothing to be nervous about. I’ve already seen your apartment and I’ve met your annoying roommate. You’ve met my annoying best friend and you laugh at my bad jokes. We’ve already passed all the awkward steps of dating.”

“Dating?” Luke squeaks out. If he’d known they were dating, he would have dressed nicer.

Ashton grins. “As long as you don’t order chocolate.”

He tugs a stunned Luke into the coffee shop, going up to the counter to order them coffee and sandwiches to eat. He takes the number from the girl at the register and guides them towards an empty table.

“So, if we’re going to date, I think there’s something I need to tell you,” Luke says. Better to get it over with now before either of them gets in too deep.

Ashton’s face falls, “You know?”

“Know what?”

“About me?”

Luke pauses, tilting his head in confusion, “What about you?”

“That I’m, you know…”

“A big fan of dogs? You like fairy tales? You make bad jokes?” Luke asks. He’s terribly confused as to what Ashton could be talking about. Ashton’s a human, isn’t he?

Ashton groans. He leans back in the chair, tilting his head up. “Oh my god I thought Cal would have told you both.”

“Told us what? Ashton, what was Calum supposed to tell us?”

“That we’re werewolves,” Ashton hisses out, leaning in close to Luke. Luke’s eyes go wide. He’s completely shocked. Although, maybe all the jokes now about werewolves make more sense. God, the moon tattoos are a dead give away, aren’t they now?

“What?”

“I thought you knew! Not before at the stores, obviously, but at the party. When I realized Calum was dating your friend. I thought Calum had told you both already.”

“But the decorations! The costume! Your tattoos! Wait, are you allergic to chocolate,” Luke says. The panic is rising in his throat, shock clouding his judgement, glee tinting the edges of his mood. Ashton can’t possibly be a werewolf, Luke can’t possibly be that lucky. That Ashton’s like him.

“I mean, most humans don’t get the jokes. But I thought you would have known about it. Except you didn’t say anything so I thought you were trying to be secretive about it. And no, I’m not allergic. It's just a funny little joke Calum and I have. And I prefer sour gummies, anyway,” Ashton says. His voice is rising in pitch, worry clear in his face.

Luke is giddy though, full of glee. This means that Ashton is magical too! He understands Luke. Luke doesn’t have to hide! Luke reaches across the table, grabbing Ashton’s hand. “I should tell you that Michael and I are fairies.”

It’s Ashton’s turn to look shocked and confused. “A what? Like, with the wings and shit? Like Tinkerbell?”

Luke gasps in mock offense, smacking Ashton, “Not like Tinkerbell. Do I look small to you?”

“Bratty enough,” Ashton says, grinning.

“Well I’m not the werewolf with moon tattoos.”

“Hey, you’re the fairy who wore his wings as a costume. Wait..that look wasn’t a costume, you actually look like that?”

“Of course I do! Real wings and everything. What do you take me for?”

“My whole bed is covered in glitter just from touching you. God I’m going to be covered in glitter forever, aren’t I?”

“Only if you play rough during your time of the month,” Luke teases.

“Excuse me Tinkerbell, it’s very rude to ask a werewolf about that. That’s a private and special thing.”

“Shit, I’m sorry.”

Ashton grins, nudging his foot against Luke’s, “Nah, I’m just messing with you. You deserve it after all the glitter I found in my hair.”

“Just for that, I’m going to make sure you’ll be finding glitter all over your body forever.”

“Forever? Only if you promise to wear more of that lingerie.”

Luke huffs, rolling his eyes. He lets Ashton reach over and thread their fingers together again, kissing the back of Luke’s hand. Luke blushes.

“You’re taking this surprisingly well,” Luke says. Ashton glances over at him.

“I mean, I am a werewolf.”

“And me being a fairy doesn’t bother you?”

“Should it?”

“It’s just, you know, the magic thing.”

“Are you worried you’re enchanting me? The only thing you’ve done is enchant me with how pretty you are. Werewolves are mostly immune to that kind of thing, anyway.”

Luke relaxes a little, slumping back into the chair. Ashton grins, leaning over the table to place a quick peck to Luke’s lips.

“What was that for?”

“You’re just the cutest. I’m very lucky to have such a cute boyfriend. Make all the other werewolves jealous.”

“Boyfriend?”

Ashton blushes, “I mean, if you want to. I’d like to date. Take you out places, cover my bed in glitter, other things.” Ashton wiggles his eyebrows.

Luke rolls his eyes. “Werewolves are massive dorks.”

“Only for you, Sugar Plum Fairy. Only for you,” Ashton says, laughing in the face of Luke’s mock horror and outrage. The conversation ends as their server brings them their drinks and food. They go about eating their meal, Ashton just as messy as Luke thought a werewolf would be.

“You’re staring,” Ashton says, glancing up at Luke.

“Just watching you eat, looking to see if I can see your fangs,” Luke teases. Ashton rolls his eyes, sticking his tongue out.

Luke is content, though, watching Ashton throughout the meal as he alternates between trying to eat politely and then giving up and talking with his mouth full. It’s endearing, Luke thinks, getting to date a werewolf. He’s charming and funny and Luke can’t believe that a halloween decoration got him a boyfriend. He absolutely refuses to tell Michael about this part of the story.

#5 seconds of summer #5soshalloweenevent2020 #lashton #luke hemmings #ashton irwin #my writing #it wouldnt be me if there wasnt magic involved now would there

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lilbat · 5 years ago

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🎃🦇Little Fall Activies🥧👻

bake your fave seasonal pie ~ we do apple n sometimes pumpkin!

mod podge fake fall leaves from the dollar store onto damoutside of a mason jar fo a cute fall decoration :3 u cud stencil on someffin spooky!

carve all da pumpkins

make halloween cards for ur fwiends n family ~ be careful with the scissors!

stargazing 🌟✨

and then make the tastiest roasted pumpkin seeds :p

make a paper plate scare crow or turkey

if u can get some cheap fall or halloween toddler craft kits from da dollar store or craft store

roast marshmellows on an open fire

make some yummy chili(or have ur cg do it!)

make some pinecone hedgehogs ~ they’re super cute!

rake up leaves n jump in ‘em!!

have a Halloween or spooky movie night

make candied apples or cook someffin pumpkin!

build a scarecrow or a fall wreath if u don’t have a garden!🥕

go camping

#littlexspace #age regression lifehacks #cglre lifestyle #toddlerzspace #babyzspace #sfw cglre #cglre #sfw agere #sfw age regression #little tips #bunposts

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unofficialkfamtranscripts · 5 years ago

Text

King Falls AM - Episode Twelve: All the Pretty Flowers

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Summary: October 15, 2015 - Against Ben's wishes, Sammy broaches a touchy subject after witnessing a hearse delivering white roses on his way into the station. Is it a King Falls Halloween tradition or could it be something more sinister? #RedRumRoses

[podcast intro music]

[jazz music]

Chet Well the clock on the wall is telling me that’s all, y’all. So I’m gonna mosey on down to The Red Rock bar and buy all the ladies a drink on me. But don’t try to fool me again, Dennis. This has been Chet Sebastian’s Jazz Corner. Until next time… keep it cool King Falls.

[Sammy & Ben Show intro music]

Ben Good evening, you’re listening to King Falls AM [door closing]– that’s 660 on the radio dial. [slightly irked] And this is the Sammy and Ben show— sans-Sammy at the moment.

[footsteps]

Sammy Sorry about that, Ben! everybody at home. I was just running a little late. I was j- Y-you know, I just saw the weirdest thing!

Ben Was it Chet leaving? I told him to take that fur coat off. Guy looks like he walked off a set of a Blaxploitation[1] film.

Sammy *laughs* No, I wish I’d seen that. But I was driving in tonight- I was running a tad bit late, as you can see, and I swear to you: I’m coming up Main Street, I got behind a hearse delivering these giant white rose bouquets! Like, every couple of streets the damn thing’s stoppin’!

Ben No.

Sammy No *laughs* yeah it did.

Ben … SOOOOO… Weee’ve got a great show for you folks tonight. Uh, Ernie Salcedo…

Sammy Ben.

Ben *pointedly clearing his throat* … Yes?

Sammy Okay, I can see you slashing at your neck furiously and shaking your head “no”, but the audience can’t. Sooo, what’s the issue here?

Ben *nervously* I’m sorry we… just don’t talk about this, Sammy.

Sammy So you know of it! Is it like some kind of weird Halloween thing?

Ben [flatly] Halloween? Are you serious? We don’t celebrate Halloween here in the Falls, Sammy.

Sammy WHAT? This is like friggin’ Halloween Town! You know those shops that open up every year around Halloween and close the day after? King Falls is where all those shops should move to when it’s not Halloween.

Ben Two things. 1) That’s a horrible business model, and 2) Halloween is one, big, diabetic pumpkin.

Sammy Come on? You don’t like decorating? Trick-or-treating?

Ben ALL OF IT. It’s like you’re— tempting these ghouls and goblins to come and mess with you. We get enough of that here. And again, diabetes.

Sammy Okay, I can see where you’re coming from, but I’m not gonna lie— this is kind of a surprise.

Ben What can I say? We’re more the Christmas or Arbor Day types.

Sammy Okay, so the hearse is delivering flowers. What’s the deal if it’s not a Halloween… ritual?

Ben Did you really see that? Did someone tell you to mess with me about this?

Sammy Scout’s Honor. I was late because of it! I illegally passed on a double yellow line (sorry Deputy Troy) just to skate around ‘em and make my way up the mountain.

Ben … I don’t like this. I-I don’t know that I’ve ever known anyone that saw the flowers delivered. Usually businesses and people just find the wreaths the next morning. D-Di-Did you see inside the hearse? Was it… people?

Sammy You know, I didn’t look, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say… it was a human being.

Ben Well, that’s good. *breath* It’s something.

Sammy Okay, so the roses…

Ben [voice breaking] Damnit, Sammy! We got a show scheduled, ya know?

Sammy I’m well aware! Just fill me in about the roses and we’ll move on.

Ben [muttering] Yeah yeah, okay, so… *deep breath* Every year, around this time—

Sammy Halloween…

Ben OCTOBER.

Sammy Uh-huh…

Ben Every— October… there is a certain society of people— and I use the term “people” loosely— that congregate and deliver the rose wreaths to individuals and businesses. That’s— a fact.

Sammy And?

Ben Annnd… nobody really knows what happens after that.

Sammy [audible grin] But legend has it…!

Ben Don’t “legend-has-it” me! Nobody knows for sure! Why gossip?

Sammy Okay. What do you think happens, Ben?

Ben *breathes in* Uuuugghhhh… Well, I think people either accept this weird— invitation or… they don’t. But I can tell you, the people that don’t? Well… they don’t, last long after that.

Sammy Okay. So we’ve just went from spooky 1-800-Flowers to murder in only a few easy steps.

Ben Not- murder- per say, but… businesses that decline tend to… move away or go under. Or tragedy strikes. Sure, I-I’ve heard stories of these folks winding up on the wrong end of a funeral ceremony, but… I couldn’t prove it. Are you satisfied now?

Sammy Of course. Thank you, Ben. King Falls, you’ve heard our story, now let’s hear yours!

Ben DON’T open the phone lines!

Sammy We’re-opening-up the phone lines here at the station! 424-279-3858. Have you had contact with this demonic annual floral delivery? Hit us up!

Ben Don’t call or tweet us. Please.

Sammy Give us a call or tweet us @KingFallsAM, [smugly] Ben will personally answer every tweet #RedrumRoses[2]

Ben NOPE! Not gonna happen.

Sammy Ben…[faux sympathy] It looks like the phone lines are lighting up, buddy.

Ben I expected better of you, King Falls.

Sammy Lucky Line 1, you’re on the air with Sammy And Ben.

Pete Low-down, gossip-mongering, muckraking filth.

Ben [flatly] Pete?

Sammy [quiet and amused] Escobar?

Pete N-uh- it’s Pete. You know damn well I’m listenin’.

Ben Wwhat’s on your mind tonight, Pete?

Sammy Did your mom teach you to start off phone calls with name-calling, Pete?

Pete [faint creaking in bg] My mom taught me to… stand up for myself! Don’t start a fight, but don’t be afraid to end it.

Sammy Who’s fighting?

Pete Oh, what a short attention span you have, Sammy. Not dwelling on you and Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard III issues; you’re picking a fight with the Unknown! Ben told you to shut your trap. [very faint sounds of driving]

Sammy Heh, lemme tell you, this would a long four hours if we didn’t talk and, y’ know, sometimes you have to—

Pete Yeah yeah, I get it, Mr. Nincompoop Radio Host. [creaking] You gotta blab. But that’s something you don’t trifle with. You should know this.

Ben Sammy, you know I hate to say Pete is right about anything, but—

Pete But I’m right about this! I know you know, Ben. That’s all I need to know. Stop yapping about things you don’t understand.

Ben Thanks, Pete.

Sammy [mostly resigned] Did you have a question or an experience with the flowers, Pete?

Pete Abs-absolutely not! I– d-don’t try to get me in trouble. [car door closing]

Ben You okay over there, Pete?

Pete [failing at being nonchalant] Yeah I’m just out, and… uh, just out.

Sammy [incredulous] This time of night?

[car door slamming]

Pete Yeah! I’m- runnin’ errands and- stuff like that, y’know. ‘T’s- It’s not- it’s not your business!

Ben [literally tongue-in-cheek] Uh-huh…

Pete You’re makin’ something of this. Yer- you’re doin’ somethin’, you’re getting me invo— Stop.

Ben It’s just weird, Mr. Beauregard’s gardener is out at 2 in the morning, running errands.

Sammy So your boss doesn’t have anything to do with the roses, does he, Pete?

Pete Ben Arnold. If you’ve got a lick of good sense, I wouldn’t walk too close to Sammy for the next feww… mm— mmmm… lifetimes! He’s gonna wind up on the bottom end of an anvil.

Sammy You know, I just don’t think asking questions is the equivalent of buying ACME rocket kits and trying to catch a damn bird.[3]

Ben [semi-stern] Y’mind answering his question, Pete?

[creaking]

Pete Oh, HELL NO. You two are a couple ‘a horse patoots. I’m never listening to this show again.

Ben Until tomorrow.

Pete PETE OUT! [click, dial tone]

Ben Are you happy, Sammy? Is this what you were hoping for?

Sammy Civilized conversation is the only thing I look for. That said… I’m gonna say, it’s a tad bit suspicious.

Ben There are dots we don’t need to connect. MOVING ON!

Sammy Maybe you’re right.

Ben Folks, we’re gonna take a break to pay some bills, and we’ll be right back and on schedule.

[rattle, guitar strums]

Dale (presumably) [voice is a low murmur (for lack of a better word)] Dale’s Dollar Tree… [strum] at dirt cheap prices… [strum] it’s almost free. [guitar,western music] Hi, everybody, I’m super excited to tell you ‘bout some unbelievable deals we have right now… at Dale’s Dollar Tree. Let’s segue to the savin’s [eagle screech] Our low prices are guaranteed… Who’s guaranteeing it, you ask? … Me… [guitar stops] How do you take advantage of these savings? [strum, rattle] 1) Walk into Dale’s Dollar Tree [strum] 2) Throw somethin’ in your cart [strum] 3) Savings. [guitar] Dale’s Dollar Tree. [eagle screech]

[S&B theme]

Sammy Ladies and gentlemen, we are back and you’re listening to King Falls AM. Now we were just talking about me running late this morning, because of a, uh, hearse—

Ben [cutting Sammy off] So we’ve got a great show scheduled tonight. We’ve got Mr. Eli Goldblum on later in the hour.

Sammy And who is Mr. Goldblum?

Ben Are you kidding me? Only the most renowned post-mortal psychologist known to man! He’s on his spoken-word world tour, and this Thursday, you can see him live at the King Falls Convention Center.

Sammy … That’sss-something.

Ben Indeed! So that’s in about… forrrty minutes. Uh, we got Rose, (from Rose’s Diner, of course) calling in to talk about how the Bee Crisis is affecting her honey-baked ham specials for the- foreseeable future.

Sammy [TIL] Really? That’s something that’s happening?

Ben Come on, Sammy. This bee situation is serious business.

Sammy You get points for not buzzing or saying “beeees-ness”

Ben You don’t wanna know how hard that was…

Sammy -eh- Okay. So, how can we help with the bees?

Ben Uhhh… cut- back- on swatting them?? *awkward laugh* I-I-I don’t know for sure that’s-that’s why we’re talkin’ to Rose.

Sammy Gotcha!

Ben And our first topic of discussion this evening— was gonna be—

Sammy About the flowers.

Ben Don’t.

Sammy Okay, look. Can we open up the phone lines again? I’d like to talk about these flowers. Uh, you tell King Falls your topic, and then we’ll see what they wanna talk about.

Ben You know they’ll talk about the damn rose wreaths!

Sammy You heard it here, folks. Line 7, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Herschel Ugh, I can’t sleep with all this damn racket going on! You two DINGLEBERRIES keep it down!

Sammy *laugh* Herschel??

Herschel Oh, hell. Don’t make me get out of bed and give you a full blast so late at night! [muttered] Don’t even know where my slippers are…

Ben Mr… Baumgartner, you realize you called us, right? This is- the radio station.

Herschel I know who and what I called. I dialed you DICKWHISTLES because all this [mocking] cry-babying about the damn flowers. Turn that jazz fella back on so- so I can get some rest!

Sammy Chet is on from 10 to 2, Mr. Baumgartner. This is Sammy and Ben and we- talk about—

Herschel I don’t give a damn if it’s Tricky Dick Nixon calling to give me a Congressional Medal of Honor! You shut your nose holes about the damn funeral flowers. And play me some heroin-fueled American art! [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy We’re gonna count that as one for the flowers…

Ben Line 14, you’re live on the air.

Creeper Long time listener here!

Sammy [click, dial tone]

Ben Did you hang up, Sammy?

Sammy Yeeaah, sorry. I hate that guy.

Ben Line 3,*chuckles* this is King Falls AM.

Beauregard Good evening, Benjamin. Samuel. This is—

Ben Beauretard?![sic]

Beauregard *sigh* Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard the Third. My man told me that you were spreading more lies than usual on your little “radio show.” I thought I would call and clear the air.

Sammy Mr. Beauregard, can I just say, before this call goes ANY further— that we will not accept any abuse towards us or the listeners of this show.

Beauregard How cute that you think people listen to you two buffoons.

Ben That’s abuse! That’s exactly what we were—

Beauregard Oh, that’s a joke where I come from. You millennials would never have lasted back in my day. With your emotions and feelings and the like.

Ben When was that day, again, Mr. Beauregard?

Beauregard Information about myself and my family, can be found in my international, best-selling e-book, “King of King Falls” … I don’t have to answer to— well— you.

Sammy *sigh* Did you have a reason for the call tonight, Beauregard?

Beauregard Indeed, I do. While men with any couth wouldn’t speak about festivities that they know nothing aboouut—

Sammy So, you’re behind these deliveries?

Ben Also, while I would never name names and throw my friend under a bus— you should know this wasn’t the agreed upon topic of the show.

Sammy Oh, stop it.

Beauregard [agonizingly insincere] I don’t know a thing about the supposed yearly white rose deliveries you speak of. My family, nor myself, have ever been involved with such jovality.[sic] In fact, in all my years I can’t recollect such a thing.

Ben I don’t buy that for a second. Maybe you’ve never sent the roses, and— let’s play devil’s advocate and say, sure, you’ve never received them (which I doubt), but there is No Way you haven’t heard of this.

Beauregard Maybe it’s something you commoners have made up, like, uhh- the tooth fairy or the Illuminati orrr— equal rights for the sexes.

Ben I can’t deal with this guy! Just dump him and let’s take another line.

Sammy Wait… Mr. Beauregard. If you don’t care about this— and, in fact, haven’t even heard of it until tonight— why would you bother to break your Hate-Silence with us to call in?

Beauregard You’re not nearly as dumb as you look, Stevens! And while I continue to honor my statement before— I’d have to assume that this “rose” ordeal is a real thing. It’s probably a very special thing! An intimate invitation sent by the upper echelons of King Falls. A way of making amends or bring people worthy of attention, into a conversation that normally would not have been invited to have.

Ben Just for everyone keeping score at home: I took a college course on Crazy and I believe he is saying he knows that the wreath deliveries are real, and he is probably behind them.

Beauregard Time is money, gentleman. Not that you understand that concept. But instead of painting a ceremony you know nothing about as tragic and scary— perhaps it’s not. Perhaps it’s something more than that, entirely. In any case, it’s not something that should be spoken about in public. [phone pings] Ahhh… I’ll be going now, “gentlemen.” And while I do use that word lightly, perhaps take a break from your radio program and… check your door.

Ben Isss that a threat?

Beauregard Trick-or-Treat, Samuel… Benjamin. [click]

[dial tone]

Sammy I wonder what he sounds like when he has something nice to say to people.

Ben He probably hasn’t said anything nice to a person since the 60s… The 1860s.

Sammy Ya know, I didn’t mean to ruffle anyone’s feathers tonight. Especially crazy old billionaires who try to drive us off the air— so let’s just—

Ben I’M GONNA GO CHECK THE DOOR.

Sammy What?!

Ben Yeah. [chair sliding out] I’m sorry, man. Beauregard gives me the willies [squeak] and I wanna make sure there isn’t—

Sammy A sugar-glider on a noose?

Ben Too far. I was just gonna say— that he hasn’t had Pete ding-dong-ditch us- or something.

Sammy And here I thought the Williams boys had that market cornered.

Ben I’ll be back in a sec. [footsteps rushing off]

Sammy [shouting after him] Don’t talk about Pete that way, Ben! He’s never gonna listen to the show again! Alright, folks. We are just a few hot minutes away from Eli Goldblum coming into the studio to talk about, [ominous bg music starts] uh… I’m guessing- ghosts with lingering mental issues? Ah, sorry— apparitions. [footsteps rushing back] I’m holding out hope for an apparition with multiple personality disorder, but I don’t know if that’s a thing or not… [chair squeak, Ben sitting] Ben? You okay, buddy?

Ben [upset] How many times, did I ask you to stop talking about the stupid, hearse, Sammy?

Sammy What’s wrong?

Ben [sarcastic] Oh, nothing. You wanna go outside and take a look?

Sammy You know, I don’t think I want to. I’m happy with you filling me in.

Ben Well, I didn’t go outside, Sammy! I didn’t have to. I looked out the front window.

[ominous bg music getting louder]

Sammy Yeah? And?

Ben [hissed] damnit

Sammy … Ben. What is going on? Do we need to call Troy?

Ben The whole parking lot- your car, MY car— as far as the lights will let me see— Nothing but white roses, man.

Sammy … Are you serious?

Ben Go look!! Just don’t go out there, huh? It looked like it was snowing, that’s how many of those damn things are out there.

Sammy [scrambling for optimism] What’s the chances that it’s just a non-Halloween bouquet from Emily to you?

Ben ZERO. Zero percent chance, Sammy.

Sammy [seriously] Folks, we’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References

[1] Blaxploitation - Blaxploitation or blacksploitation is an ethnic subgenre of the exploitation film that emerged in the United States during the early 1970s. The films, while popular, suffered backlash for disproportionate numbers of stereotypical film characters showing bad or questionable motives, including roles as criminals.

[2] #RedrumRoses - Redrum is from the psychological horror film The Shining. It’s “murder” spelled backward.

[3] “ACME rocket kits and trying to catch a damn bird” - I sincerely hope no one will ever be too young for this reference, but I once had my little brothers ask who Mr. Rogers was so: this is a reference to the Looney Toons cartoons, Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner. In each episode, Coyote repeatedly attempts to catch and eat the Road Runner, a fast-running ground bird, but is never successful. In order to catch the Road Runner, Coyote uses absurdly complex contraptions- most acquired from the mail-order company ACME- to try to catch his prey, which all backfire comically with Coyote often getting injured in slapstick fashion.

#king falls am #king falls #kfam #sammy stevens #Ben Arnold #kfam transcripts #kfam ep12 #pete myers #herschel baumgartner #hfb3

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scurybooween · 4 years ago

Note

Would you answer all the autumn asks?

Going to try to do this...

AUTUMN ASKS

1. Apple pie: what’s cooking? (Or planned to cook?)

Atm or Halloween??

I did a salad today, was easy and i’m lazy. For halloween - Halloween cookies and maybe a huge fudge brownie.

2. Chilly air: are you a warm weather or cold weather person?

When i was younger i was cool weather, and since i live in the desert - i’ve become a warm weather person. I do however adore the coolness of fall - and dream of moments waking up in crisp cool air.

3.Misty mornings: what time do you wake up? What for?

Depends, i dont have a set time. I wake up super early for errands and cleaning atm. So sometimes 4 am, sometimes 6 - and when i’m tired it’s like 10 am.

4.Oversized sweaters: what sweater weather outfit are you looking forward to wearing?

Definitely sweater dresses are a favorite item for me, but a fantastic jacket is also up there.

5. Carved pumpkins: what holidays (popular or pagan) are you celebrating this fall?

Halloween, Samhain, Dia De Los Muertos (Mexican Catholic, so it’s a family thing)

6.Ghost stories: what books are you reading?

The Invention of Murder: How the Victorians Revelled in Death and Detection and Created Modern Crime

7. Hot coffee: what’s your drink this fall?

I switch between my cafe latte, lemon grass tea, and hot chocolate

8. Cold hands: anyone to hold them?

Atm single and enjoying the freedom

9.Spooky shadows: any increased spiritual activity?

Nightmares or deja vu type dreams come to mind.

10. Crunchy leaves: what’s your favorite noise/sound to hear?

Guess a tinkling of the piano, or some soft violin melodies

11.Scented candles: 5 favorite smells you love?

Usually any fall or autumn ones that contain apple, cinnamon, vanilla, pumpkin spice but very soft, and rose/flower ones.

12.Hurricanes: what do you do on rainy days?

Debating on when it’s raining or how hard - cause i actually live in fear of Hurricanes or heavy rains.

When it’s a soft rain - i sometimes open the doors and windows to let the heat steamed water smell enter the house.

13.Cinnamon: what are your favorite spices?

Black pepper, nutmeg, cilantro, chipotle - too many

14.Boots: Favorite pair of shoes/boots you own?

15. Monster masks: what’s your makeup/morning routine?

I used to do a full face up of stuff when i was in high school and college - but now i keep it pretty simple. Wash lightly with shea moisture bar, moisturize, simple products like lip balm or a fancy lip stick - vitamin e once in a while.

Then i get up and have water - which is my constant first drink. Might make something to eat, which changes daily.

16 Black cat: what pets do you have/want?

Dont have any pets atm, though i had them for a lot of my life. After my last cat disappeared i didnt want to own another pet cause it was hard to have a good enough space to keep them.

I want any animal, i would have a few different pets if i had enough room and a good financial situation.

17.September: What’s your favorite kind of weather?

A windy overcast day - like those that are cool enough to wear a jacket with - but not freezing.

18.October: Did you go trick-or-treating on Halloween when you were younger?

I went trick or treating for most of my teens - at first for myself only - then we took younger family members out during their time.

19.Pumpkins: Have you ever carved a jack-o-lantern?

Yea - a few times. I get that sorta hankering feeling that i want to both eat and cut one up. We usually try to keep and use all the goods cut out - so we have to get things ready to make stuff with the seeds and the left over pieces.

20.Leaves: When the leaves change, what color looks the prettiest?

I never got to collect leaves - but when i was around Sycamore trees i wanted to. I preferred a yellow green piece and also a pure orange one.

21.Rain: Do you wear a Raincoat or carry an Umbrella?

I dont have a raincoat or an umbrella. I dont enjoy using Umbrellas - mostly cause i’m the fool that has one flip out when i’m walking around. My state can have some really insane winds.

22.Caramel Apples: Favorite Halloween candy?

Can anyone only have one favorite Halloween Candy??? I guess a fight out between dark chocolate kit kat, twix, and taffy.

23.Candles: What’s your favorite way to cozy up on a rainy autumn day?

My favorite thing to do is curl up with a book by Barbara Michaels - she did sorta romantic crime solving stuff.

24.Pumpkin Pie: Share your favorite autumn recipe.

Cream Cheese Pumpkin Pie

25.Apple Cider: Do you drink your apple cider hot or cold?

Never had apple cider - cold or hot. Been wondering if i should make my own this year.

26.Wind: Have you ever been outside your own country during Autumn? Tell us about your experience.

Only been to Mexico - but it isnt too far or different from my own Autumn.

It does get cool, but of course it’s usually hovering around 60. There’s also rain on and off, it was much wetter in the 80s and 90s - but has become a lot more warm since then.

27.Books: What was the last book you read?

Ghost Children

I picked this up cause this was one of my childhood favorite books - i would check this out constantly and keep it for as long as i could. Sadly the book i got didnt have the creepier tomb cover with the depressed child ghost on the cover.

28.Socks: What kind of socks do you like? Do you wear matching socks, fuzzy socks, tall socks, or no socks?

It seems like almost EVERYONE who adores Halloween has a million types of socks, from the witch black and purple ones, to the horror blood themed ones, or the bats and pumpkin covered ones. I have any number which i sometimes mix and match when i’m in a hurry. I dont wear socks when i wear shorts or dresses - so unless i flash my ankle at you - you wont see the silliness.

29.Coat: Is Autumn your favorite season?

Yes - followed by spring - as it is a nice cool time.

30.Jacket: how do you feel about pumpkin flavoured things in general?

Love so many of them. Atm sad that Noosa isnt in my area anymore - as that was my favorite yogurt and they had an amazing pumpkin version. I’m not a fan of all the pumpkin stuff - but there’s enough to cover everyone’s taste buds.

31.Gloves: Is the weather finally feeling more like autumn where you are now?

In the mornings i feel it - cause it’s usually around 60 or so. During the day - NAH. It’s from 50 to 90 every day, which is what happens in the desert.

32.Campfire: Do you like going outdoors for activities like camping, hiking, or mountain biking?

I want to like all of that stuff, as i used to love being in the woods. Thing is - it depends on where you are going, what you have - and how close to people you are. I dont feel i could be lumber-jacking it anywhere - but for a nice day thing i would be down.

33.Mini pumpkins:Best pumpkin design I’ve ever carved/plan on carving

Mine are simple cause i am sorta scared of knives - cant do a lot when i keep worrying about if i will cut too much or too fast. I am not scared of people with knives - i’m scared of me using knives and cutting myself. I did it fairly bad one time - and i get nervous about it.

34.Forest: What are five of your favorite things about autumn?

The smell in the air, the change of time and day length, how the plants will not burn as much under the sun, seasonal food, cooler days

35.hoodie: how different was your life five years ago?

Had a bit more money, was working out a lot more, had a few friends i was arguing with a lot, a certain orange wasnt destroying the world, was getting ready for Halloween festivities.

36. Tea: Favorite scary story or legend

There’s a few - La LLarona, Headless Horseman, Carved Mouth woman

37.Spices: Favorite character from a Halloween movie

Sam from Trick r Treat or Sadako from Ringu

38.Maze: Have you ever gone to a corn maze?

Have been meaning to go to one near me - though i went on a hay ride/corn maze ride as a kid.

39.Haunted hayrides: Tell a spooky campfire story (if you have one)

Had to look up what a campfire story would be or contain - and someone said the story of Bloody Mary. I wonder if Elizabeth Bathory would work as one. I’m the lame history loving person - so i might add in a ton of history tidbits to give more of a gore styled retelling.

40. Boo: Do you believe in ghosts? If so, have you ever had an experience?

I’m a spiritual person, so i cant rule ghosts out totally. I have had an experience with something i thought might have been ghost like - it is hard to describe to anyone who didnt have it. I also am not trying to convince anyone of it.

41.color: If you live in a climate where the trees change colors, do you like walking/driving around and looking at them?

Sadly none of my trees change - unless you go to a specific park where they planted these poor trees that shouldnt be here cause of our weather. I dont see cactus and mesquite change - but they are nice plants.

42.Lights: Do you decorate your home for Halloween?

I do - i try to do it to the point where at least 70 percent of my house front is covered. This year, i am not going to decorate as i dont want kids to trick or treat - i want people to be safe. Atm though - i put up a wreath on my door with a spider and some bats.

43. Party: Do you hand out candy on Halloween, have/attend parties, or do something else?

My general Halloween day starts with me having family and friends come over, then handing out candy to kids, and at night going out to any clubs. At 3 or 4 am i come back and spend time watching horror movies until we pass out from things.

Had been trying to change plans for 2020, i wanted to go to New Orleans - but that plan was scratched.

44. Movies: Favorite scary movie

Just like with music - my stuff changes every 5 years. I would say atm i am in a toss up between the VVitch and Midsommar. Before that was Let the Right one in. Those are my favorite horror films, but my fav Halloween film atm is Paranorman.

45.Novel:Favorite spooky novel

I already know i need to read more, i dont know if i have read a scary enough novel that i have a favorite one. I really need to get past my true crime and history stuff, cause those are scary to me.

#asks #autumn #fall #october #about me #horror #halloween

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dustedmagazine · 5 years ago

Text

Dust, Volume 5, Number 12

Matthew J. Rolin

Ned Starke was right. Winter is coming, and maybe, for our Chicago and Eastern Seaboard contingent, it’s here. That’s a good excuse to find a big comfy chair near the stereo and dig into some new music. This time we offer some hip hop, some finger picking, some music concrete, some indie pop and, just this once, a Broadway musical. Contributors include Ray Garraty, Jennifer Kelly, Justin Cober-Lake, Jonathan Shaw, Bill Meyer and Andrew Forell. Stay warm.

ALLBLACK x Offset Jim — 22nd Ways (Play Runners Association)

ALLBLACK and Offset Jim have collaborated on a few tracks before, but this is their first release together. Their differences, which are significant, make the disc enjoyable through and through. Offset Jim has a poker face delivery that can fool anybody into thinking he’s deadly serious when he’s clearly having fun. ALLBLACK, on the other hand, is known for his goofy humor, but his goofiness is a mask that obscures a poetic psycho killer. Their combination of a healthy dose of humor and true-to-the-streets seriousness—seen here— makes a case for tolerating all kinds of oddball pairings:

“Don't leave the house without your makeup kit Diss songs about your real daddy just won't stick Hey, bitch, say, bitch, I know you miss this demon dick Please comb Max hair, take off them wack outfits”

Ray Garraty

David Byrne — American Utopia (Nonesuch)

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If you live long enough, everything that seemed edgy and electrifying in your youth will turn safe and comfortable in middle age. You’ll buy festival tickets with access to couches, tents and air conditioning. Clash songs will turn up in Jaguar ads. Kids at the playground will run around sporting your Black Flag tee-shirt. You may even find yourself in a $250 seat, at a beautiful theater, with your beautiful wife, seeing “American Utopia,” David Byrne’s new jukebox musical, and, to borrow a phrase, you may ask yourself, “How did I get here?” And look, you could do worse. These are wonderful songs, still prickly and spare even now in full orchestral arrangements, still booming with cross-currented, afro-beat rhythms (Byrne got to that early on, give him credit), still buoyed with a scratchy, ironic, ebullient pulse of life. It’s hard to say what plot line stitches together “Born Under Punches,” “Every Day is a Miracle,” “Burning Down the House” and “Road to Nowhere,” or how absorbing the connective narrative may be. It’s not, obviously, as kinetic and daring as the original arrangements, stitched together with shoe-laces, stuttering with anxiety, bounced and jittered by the back line of Tina Weymouth and Chris Frantz, clad in an absurdly oversized suit. And, yet, it’s not so bad and if I had three big bills to spend on a night at the theater, I might just want to see it re-enacted. Because I’ve gotten safe and comfortable, too, and anyway, better that than the Springsteen show.

Jennifer Kelly

Charly Bliss — Supermoon EP (Barsuk)

Supermoon by Charly Bliss

Charly Bliss’ latest release Supermoon, collects five tracks written during the Young Enough sessions that didn’t make the final cut. The EP showcases the band transitioning from the grungy edge of their debut Guppy to the more polished pop sound of its successor. Eva Hendricks is one of the moment’s most distinctive voices, and these songs find her grappling with the themes so tellingly addressed on Young Enough. Although the songs here deserve release, the interest is in what they don’t do. More than sketches, they are less lyrically formed than those on the album, more guitar driven and without the big pop pay offs. The band, Hendricks on guitar and vocals, her brother Sam on drums, guitarist Spencer Fox and bassist Dan Shure still produce a hooky, engaging record which will appeal to fans. Newcomers might want to start with the albums but Supermoon is not without its moments.

Andrew Forell

Cheval Sombre — Been a Lover b/w The Calfless Cow (Market Square)

Cheval Sombre - Been a Lover b/w The Calfless Cow by Market Square Recordings

Cheval Sombre teamed with Luna/Galaxie 500’s Dean Wareham last year for a haunting batch of cowboy songs that found, as I put it in my Dusted review, “unfamiliar shadows and crevices in some very familiar material.” Now comes Cheval Sombre, otherwise known as Chris Porpora, with a brace of soft, dreamy folk-turned-psychedelic songs, one a gently sorrowful original, the other a cover of Alasdair Roberts. “Been a Lover” slow-strums through a whistling canyons of dreams, wistfully surveying the remnants of a long-standing relationship. It has the nodding, skeletal grace of Sonic Boom’s acoustic “Angel,” perhaps no coincidence since the Spaceman 3 songwriter produced the album. “The Calfless Cow” anchors a bit more in folk blues picking, though Porpora’s soft, prayerful vocals float free above the foundations. Both songs feel like spectral images leaving traceries on unexposed film—unsolid and evocative and mysteriously, inexplicably there.

Jennifer Kelly

Cigarettes After Sex — Cry (Partisan Records)

Cry by Cigarettes After Sex

Cigarettes After Sex’s 2017 debut album was a quite lovely collection of slow-core, lust-lorn dream pop. On the follow up Cry Greg Gonzalez (vocals, guitar), Phillip Tubbs (keys), Randall Miller (bass) and Jacob Tomsky (drums) double down on their signature sound with half the effect. The melodies are still here, the delicate restraint also, Gonzalez’ voice whispers seductively sweet nothings but this time around it is largely nothings he’s working with. It’s not that this is a terrible record, it’s more that the wreaths of gossamer amount to not much. Lacking the humorous touches of the debut, Cry suffers from Gonzalez’ sometimes witless and earnest lyrics which are mirrored in the lackluster pace which makes one desperate for the sex to be over so one can get back to smoking. Cry aims for Lynch/Badalamenti atmospherics and hits them occasionally but too often lapses into Hallmark sentimentalism. For an album ostensibly about romantic and physical love Cry is dispiritingly dry. There is only ash on these sheets. Serge Gainsbourg is somewhere rolling his eyes, and a gasper, in the velvet boudoir of eternity.

Andrew Forell

Lucy Dacus — 2019 (Matador)

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Between Historian and boygenius, Lucy Dacus had a pretty memorable 2018. It makes sense that she'd want to document 2019. What she did instead was release a series of holiday-ish tracks over the course of the year and then collect them as the 2019 EP. The covers will likely get the most attention, whether her loving take on Edith Piaf's “La vie en rose” or the rocking rendition of Wham!'s “Last Christmas.” Dacus doesn't perform these songs with any sense of snark; she's both enjoying herself and invested. Counting Bruce Springsteen's birthday as a holiday might be silly, but she nails “Dancing in the Dark,” turning it to her own aesthetic. The weird one here is “In the Air Tonight,” which smacks of irony and whatever we call guilty pleasures these days, but she plays it straight, arguing for it as a spooky Halloween cut, and sort of pulls it off.

Focusing on the covers might lead listeners to forget how good a songwriter she is. The Mother's Day “My Mother & I” feels thoroughly like a Dacus number, opening with contemplation: “My mother hates her body / We share the same outline / She swears that she loves mine.” Holidays aren't easy. “Fool's Gold” (stick this New Year's track first or last) falls like snow, laden with regret and rationalization. Dacus works through holidays with care and concern. The covers might be fun (even the Phil Collins number works as a curiosity), but when she lets the more conflicted thoughts come through, as on “Forever Half Mast,” she maintains the hot streak. The EP might be a bit of a diversion, but its secret complexity makes it more surprisingly forceful. Justin Cober-Lake

Kool Keith — Computer Technology (Fat Beats)

Computer Technology by Kool Keith

Naming an album Computer Technology in 2019 is like calling a 1950 disc A Light Bulb. Ironic Luddite-ness is a part of the charm of the new Kool Keith’s album, his second this year. The record has a cyberpunk-ish (circa 1984) feel, thanks to wacky, early electronics-like beats that no sane hip hop artist today would agree to rap over. But who said Kool Keith was sane? He’s like a computer virus here, infesting a modern culture he views with disdain. His kooky brags could be written off as old man rants if he been in the rap game since day one. On “Computer Technology” he says: ‘You need to sit down and slow down’, yet he himself shows no signs of slowing down.

If Kool Keith’s 1980s science rap messed around in a high school lab, he’s now a tenured professor in hip hop science blowing up the joint.

Ray Garraty

Leech — Data Horde (Peak Oil)

Data Horde by Leech

Brian Foote’s work has a knack for showing up in slightly unexpected and subtly crucial places, whether it’s behind the scenes at Kranky and his own Peak Oil imprint, or as a member at times of Fontanelle or Nudge, or even just helping out Stephen Malkmus with drums. On Data Horde, his debut LP of electronic music under his Leech moniker, Foote works with his customary quiet assurance and subtly radical take on things, delivering a brief but satisfying set of bespoke productions that somehow evoke acid and ambient tinges at the same time, feinting towards full-out jungle eruptions before turning the corner and somehow naturally going somewhere much more minimal. Whether it’s the skittering, pulsing “Brace” or the lush and aptly-named “Nimble”, the results are consistently satisfying and the six tracks here suggest that we could stand to hear a lot more from Leech.

Ian Mathers

Midnight Odyssey — Biolume Part 1: In Tartarean Chains (I, Voidhanger)

Biolume Part 1 - In Tartarean Chains by MIDNIGHT ODYSSEY

Midnight Odyssey’s massive new record sounds like what might happen if Gary Numan’s Tubeway Army smoked up a bunch of Walter White’s finest product and decided that they must cover Pink Floyd’s Live at Pompei, complete with ruins and really big gongs. It’s interstellar. It’s perversely grandiose. The synths soar and rumble, the vocals come in mournful choral arrangements, the low end thunders and occasionally explodes into blast-beat barrage. It’s almost impossible to take seriously, and it’s presented with what seems like absolute seriousness. In any case, there’s a lot of it: seven tracks, all of which exceed the eight-minute mark, and most of which moan and intone and resonate well beyond ten minutes. You’ve got to give it to Dis Pater, the only identified member of Midnight Odyssey — he really means it. But it’s often hard to tell if Biolume Part 1 (Pater threatens that there are two more parts to come) is the product of an unchecked, idiosyncratically powerful vision or just goofball cosmological schmaltz. To this reviewer, it’s undecidable. And that’s interesting.

Jonathan Shaw

Nakhane — You Will Not Die

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South African singer Nakhane Touré has a voice that can stop you in your tracks when he unleashes it, and a willingness to tackle uncomfortable topics (homosexuality, colonialism, and the way the imported Presbyterian church interacts with both) that’s seen him both praised and threatened in his homeland. You Will Not Die marks a shift in Nakhane’s music, both in terms of how directly and intensely he engages with those places where the sacred rubs up against, not so much the profane but the disavowed, even while sonically everything is lusher and brighter, whether it’s the slinky electroglam of “Interloper” or the bell-tolling balladry of “Presbyteria.” For once it’s worth seeking the deluxe edition, for the Bowie-esque Anohni duet “New Brighton” and the defiantly melancholy cover of “Age of Consent” alone.

Matthew J. Rolin — Matthew J. Rolin (Feeding Tube)

Matthew J. Rolin by Matthew J. Rolin

Matthew J. Rolin steps to the head of the latest class of American Primitive guitarists on this self-titled debut LP. He is currently a resident of Columbus, Ohio, but his main inspirations from within the genre are Chicagoan. Reportedly a Ryley Walker concert sent him down the solo guitar path, but the one time this reviewer caught him in concert, Rolin only made one substance-oriented statement throughout the set, and it was more of a shy assertion than an extravagant boast. His sound more than pays the toll. Bright and ringing on 12 strings, pithy and structurally sound on six, he makes sparing use of outdoor sound and keyboard drones that bring Daniel Bachman to mind. Like Bachman did on his early records, Rolin often relies upon the rush of his fingerpicking to draw the listener along, and what do you know? It works.

Bill Meyer

Claire Rousay — Aerophobia (Astral Spirits)

Aerophobia by Claire Rousay

To watch Claire Rousay perform is to see the process of deciding made visual. You can’t put that on a tape, but you can make the tape a symbolic and communicative object. To see Rousay repeatedly, or to play her recordings in sequence, is to hear an artist who is rapidly transforming. This one was already a bit behind her development when it was released, but that can be turned into a statement, too. Perhaps the title Aerophobia, which means fear of flying, is a critique of the tape’s essentially musical content? It is a series of drum solos, unlike the more the more recent t4t, which includes self-revealing speech and household sounds. If so, that critique does not reproach the music itself, nor should it. Even when you can’t see her, you can hear her sonic resourcefulness and appreciate the movement and shape she articulates with sound.

Bill Meyer

Colin Andrew Sheffield & James Eck Rippie — Exploded View (Elevator Bath)

exploded view by colin andrew sheffield & james eck rippie

Colin Andrew Sheffield, who is the proprietor of the Elevator Bath imprint, and James Eck Rippie, who does sound work for Hollywood movies, have this understanding in common: they know that you gotta break things to make things. The things in question don’t even have to be intact when you start; at any rate, the feedback, microphone bumps, blips and skips that make up this 19-minute long piece of musique concrete sound like the product of generations of handling. It all feels a bit like you’re hearing a scan of the shortwave bands from inside the radio, which makes for delightfully disorienting listening.

Bill Meyer

Ubik — Next Phase (Iron Lung)

Next Phase MLP (LUNGS-148) by UBIK

Philip K. Dick’s whacko-existentialist-corporate-satire-cum-SF-novel Ubik turns 50 this year, and serendipitously, Australian punks Ubik have released this snarling, tuneful EP into the world. There’s a whole lot of British street punk, c. 1982, in Ubik’s sound, especially if that genre tag and year make you flash on Lurkers, Abrasive Wheels and Angelic Upstarts — bands that knew how to string melodic hooks together, and bands that had pretty solid lefty politics. Ubik’s songs couple street punk’s populist (in the pre-Trump sense) fist-pumping with a spastic, elastic angularity, giving the tracks just enough of a weirdo vibe that the band’s name makes sense. The combination of elements is vividly present in “John Wayne (Is a Cowboy (and Is on Twitter)),” a hugely fun punk song that registers a fair degree of ideological venom as it bashes and speeds along. Somewhere, Horselover Fat is nodding his head and smiling.

Jonathan Shaw

Uranium Club — Two Things at Once (Sub Pop)

youtube

Uranium Club (sometimes Minneapolis Uranium club) made one of the best punk albums of this year in The Cosmo Cleaners. “A visionary insanity, backed by impressive musical chops,” I opined in Dusted last April, setting off a frenzy of interest and an epic major label bidding war. Just kidding. Hardly anyone noticed. Uranium Club was this year’s Patois Counselors, a band so good that it made no sense that no one knew about them. But, fast forward to now and LOOK at the heading of this review! Sub Pop noticed and included Uranium Club in its storied singles club. And why not? The bluntly named “Two Things at Once,” (Parts I and 2), is just as tightly, maniacally wound as the full-length, just as gloriously, spikily confrontational. “Part 1” scrambles madly, pulling hair out by the roots as it agitatedly considers “our children’s creativity” and whether “I’m too young to die.” It’s like Fire Engines, but faster and crazier and with big pieces of machinery working loose and flying off the sides. “Part 2” runs slower and more lyrically but with no less intensity, big flayed slashes of discord rupturing its meditative strumming. There are no words in it, and yet you sense deep, obsessive bouts of agitation driving its motor, even when the brass comes in, unexpectedly, mournfully, near the end. This is the good stuff, and no one wants you to know about it. Except me. And now Sub Pop. Don’t miss out.

Jennifer Kelly

Various Artists— Come on up to the House: Women Sing Waits (Dualtone)

Come On Up To The House: Women Sing Waits by Dualtone Music Group, Inc.

Tom Waits’ gravelly voice is embedded deep in the fabric of how we think of Tom Waits songs. You can’t think of “Come On Up to the House” without sandpapery catch in its gospel curves, or of “Downtown Train” without his strangled desolation; he is the songs, and if you don’t like the way he sings, you’ve probably never cared much for his recordings. And yet, here, in this all-woman, star-studded, country-centric collection of covers, you can hear, maybe for the first time, how gracefully constructed these songs are, how pretty the melodies, how well the lyrics fit to them. You cannot believe how different these songs sound with women singing. It is truly revelatory. Contributors include big stars (Aimee Mann, Corinne Rae Bailey), living legends (Iris Dement, Roseanne Cash), up-and-comers (Courtney Marie Andrews, Phoebe Bridgers) and a few emerging artists (Joseph, The Wild Reeds), and all have a case to make. Phoebe Bridgers distills “Georgia Lee” into a quiet, tragic purity, while Angie McMahon finds a private, inward-looking clarity in “Take It With Me.” Courtney Marie Andrews blows up “Downtown Train,” into a swaggering country anthem, while Roseanne Cash infuses “Time” with a warm, unforced glow. These versions transform weird, twisted reveries into American songbook classics, which is what they maybe were, under all that growling, all along.

Jennifer Kelly

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rubykgrant · 4 years ago

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Stuff you can do for Halloween solo fun (or in small groups that have been isolating with you)-

Carve pumpkins. If you’ve ever wanted to just go all-out, do it this year. Buy a few pumpkins (only if you can afford it), and carve some of your favorite faces. You can also get a kit with stencils for shapes, or make your own; draw a picture on some paper in pencil. Then, take a non-washable marker to go over the lines you want to use. Fill-in the parts of the shapes with color that are going to be open spaces. Place the paper on the pumpkin with some tape to hold it in place. Next, take a toothpick or needle (be CAREFUL), and make dotted lines that follow your shapes. Now remove the paper, and cut along the dotted lines

Movie marathon. You can do movies that specifically center on Halloween, or just spooky/horror movies in general. You’ll probably want to see your favorites, but it is also a good time to find ones you haven’t seen before. Check out some of the old-school classics, and ones that are more recent. You can even do a “bad movie” marathon, ones that you know aren’t good, but you might still get a kick out of them.

Read some spooky books. This can also go with the movie marathon, since many movies are based on books. If you have only seen or read one, now is the chance to experience the other (”Coraline” and “Carrie” are both good spooky movies, and they are both based on books. if you’ve only seen the films, check out the books and see if you like it as well). If you have a hard time getting through huge novels, there is nothing wrong with reading YA or even kids books, there some perfectly good and creepy stories that are also short enough to process in a couple of days

Decorate. Inside or outside, go ahead and have fun. Decorate, and then maybe re-decorate through the month if you want. If you have the time and money, get some Halloween props you’ve always wanted but never used before, like a giant spider or bunch of fake skeletons

Arts and Crafts. Make your own witch broom, create a paper cut-out Halloween scene, paint stones and collect crystals, make an autumn leaf scrapbook, learn Halloween sitching/sewing/embroidery patterns, use some beads and make Halloween necklaces, make an autumn wreath for your door, make slime, build a scarecrow, make your own pumpkin pinyata that you can paint and then bust open to get some candy, if you can find a large feather you can make your own quill (cut the tip at an angle, then sute a small slit on the edge of the tip. you can use real ink if you have an inkwell, or just watercolor paint) and make your own “spell book”

Activity books. If you can get your hands on one, Halloween and autumn themed activity books can be very fun, with different word games, mazes, and more

Art challenges. If you like to draw or write, or do anything creative, look up Halloween art prompts. Don’t feel bad if you can’t do one every single day, just do whatever you find interesting and make something you like

Food. There are all kinds of fall and Halloween recipes, so if you like to cook, have fun making pies/cookies/soups/and so much more. You might be able to trick-or-treat, but you can still make treats for yourself, and delicious meals as well. You can also just have some classic s’mores (if you can’t do a whole campfire, you can use an un-scented plain candle. be VERY CAREFUL with the flame, put the candle on a plate, and use a small wooden shish kabob stick if you can’t whittle a little tree branch for your marshmallow)

Scented candles. Again, be VERY CAREFUL. Things like candles and incense smell very good, which can be relaxing, and certain scents remind us of Halloween. If you find some you like, enjoy the good smells. You can also find special soaps with scents you like (and, if you are sure you aren’t allergic to the soap, you can put a bar into your clothes drawer or where you keep your blankets. the soap will make everything in there have that particular scent)

Dress up. You don’t need to go anywhere. Just have fun with your own personal Halloween fashion show. If you have the money and the time, get your costume supplies together, and transform yourself. If you like to post pictures of yourself, you can share the results, but you can also just do it privately for yourself. Be a monster, or somebody from a fairytale, or your favorite character from a TV show, whatever you want. If doing it yourself isn’t your thing, look up people who create amazing costumes and cosplays, or videos that show techniques used to create monsters in movies, admire the talent and effort

Listen to music. There are lots of songs that remind us of Halloween. You can just sit back, relax, listen to some good tunes, and let your imagination create a show for you in your head

Creepy games. If you can get your hands on some, you can play some horro games, or even ones that are just a little bit spooky. If you don’t play much yourself, find video game play-throughs online of some creepy games. If you find a person who makes you laugh, watching them play a scary game is especially enjoyable and entertaining

Take a walk. If you knnow your area and it is safe, take a walk on Halloween evening. You can still avoid getting too close to people and being in large groups. Enjoy the scenery, whether it is in nature or in the city. If possible, take a walk through your town’s cemetery (try to do it Before Halloween, as it is more likely to have people there that night)

she knows what she’s talking about 🎃🍂

#halloween

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soaringwindflower · 3 years ago

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Island of Sunflare Weekly Journal: Week of 10/31

10/31

Happy Halloween!

Bought 30 turnips for 110 bells each

The Marigold decoration is available in Nook shopping until 11/3

Learned the Haunt reaction from Jack and the Scare reaction from Rolf

DIY recipes: Spooky carriage, Spooky garland, Spooky table setting, Spooky wand, Spooky scarecrow, Spooky tower, Spooky candy set, Spooky arch, Spooky lantern, Spooky fence, Spooky chair, Spooky tree, Spooky treats basket

Made Spooky lantern, Spooky tower, Spooky table setting, Spooky garland, Spooky wand, Spooky treats basket, Spooky fence, Spooky candy set, Spooky scarecrow

11/1

Visitor at campsite: Cyd

Got 3 bamboo shoots in the mail from Daisy Mae

Gullivarrr on beach; should be getting something piratey in the mail soon

Sold 30 turnips for 143 bells each

Made Wooden-plank sign, Doghouse

11/2

DIY recipe: Mushroom wreath

Got Mom’s playful kitchen mat from Mom in the mail

Got Pirate eye patch from Gullivarrr in the mail

Saharah visiting; didn’t buy anything

Made Mushroom wreath

Got Handheld lantern from Nook Shopping; it’s customizable so I bought five more to be delivered tomorrow

11/3

Got the 5 other handheld lanterns in the mail; customized them to have all the different designs

DIY recipes: Garden wagon, Bamboo sphere

Made Garden wagon, Bamboo sphere, Spooky chair, Spooky tree

11/4

[Didnt play]

11/5

Can do Ordinances now

Uninhabited island boat tours now available

Flick visiting; gave him three Emperor butterflies to make into a model

DIY recipes: Shell music box, Scorpio lamp, Wooden ladder set-up kit, Block fence, Donation box, Pesce all’acqua pazza, Sea-bass pie, Aji fry

Got a Framed fossil poster from Blathers

Participated in group stretching

Visited an uninhabited island; got Brewster to agree to run the museum café

Maddie decided to hang out at my house for a bit

Celeste visiting; got the Scorpio lamp DIY

Made Shell music box, Spooky arch, Wooden ladder set-up kit, Donation box, Large lattice fence

Bought all of the new features offered through the Nook Stop

Used an Ironwood kitchenette to prepare an Orange smoothie and some Grilled sea bass with herbs

11/6

Got Emperor butterfly model from Flick in the mail

Museum is under construction today for the café

Got a Ringoid and a Xylophoid

Went to Harv’s Island; paid for a space for a “talented husband-and-wife furniture-refurbishing team”

DIY recipes: Lucky gold cat, Anchoas al ajillo, Sardines in oil, Karei no nitsuke, Mush table, Barred-knifejaw carpaccio, Sautéed olive flounder, Forest wall

Went to a uninhabited island and got a nighttime one with shooting stars and star fragments on the beach

Made Gemini closet

Prepared Barred-knifejaw carpaccio, Karei no nitsuke, Sardines in oil, Anchoas de ajillo

#acnh #animal crossing new horizons #island of sunflare #weekly journal #happy 2.0 update y’all

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beforehappiness · 2 months ago

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It's done! Another spooky garland complete. Can't wait for October...

#personal #beforehappiness #sewing #arts and crafts #Garland #Bats #Ghosts #Skulls #Halloween #spooky wreath kit #craft kits #sewblr

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wallpaperpainter · 4 years ago

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kingfallstranscripts-blog · 8 years ago

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Episode 12: All The Pretty Flowers

*Jazzy Music Playing*

Chet: Well the clock on the wall is telling me that’s all, y’all. So I’m gonna mosey on down to The Red Rock bar and buy all the ladies a drink on me. But don’t try fool me again, Dennis. This has been Chet Sebastian’s Jazz Corner. Til next time…keep it cool King Falls.

(King Falls AM intro music)

Ben: Good evening you’re listening to King Falls AM – that’s 660 on the radio dial. And this is the Sammy and Ben show, sans Sammy at the moment.

Sammy: Sorry about that, Ben, everybody at home. I was just running a little late. You know I just saw the weirdest thing!

Ben: Was it Chet leaving? I told him to take that fur coat off. Guy looks like he walked off a set of a Blaxploitation film.

Sammy: *laughs* No, I wish I’d seen that. But I was driving in tonight, running a tad bit late as you can see, and I swear to you, coming up Main Street I got behind a hearse delivering these giant white rose bouquets. Like every couple of streets the damn things stoppin.

Ben: No.

Sammy: No *laughs* yeah it did.

Ben: ……. SOOOOO, we’ve got a great show for you folks tonight. Uh, Ernie Salcedo…

Sammy: Ben.

Ben: *clearing his throat loudly* YES?

Sammy: Okay, I can see you slashing at your neck furiously and shaking your head no, but the audience can’t. So, what’s the issue?

Ben: I’m sorry we…just don’t talk about this, Sammy.

Sammy: So you know of it! Is it like some kind of weird Halloween thing?

Ben: Halloween? Are you serious? We don’t celebrate Halloween here in the Falls, Sammy.

Sammy: WHAT? This is like friggin’ Halloween Town! You know those shops that open up every year around Halloween and close the day after? King Falls is where all those shop should move to when it’s not Halloween.

Ben: Two things: 1) That’s a horrible business model and 2) Halloween is one big diabetic pumpkin.

Sammy: Come on? You don’t like decorating…Trick-or-Treating?

Ben: ALL OF IT. It’s like tempting these ghouls and goblins to come and mess with you. We got enough of that here. And again, diabetes.

Sammy: Okay, I can see where you’re coming from, but I’m not gonna lie - this is kind of a surprise.

Ben: What can I say? We’re more the Christmas or Arbor Day types.

Sammy: Okay, so the hearse is delivering flowers…What’s the deal if it’s not a Halloween ritual?

Ben: Did you really see that? Did someone tell you to mess with me about this?

Sammy: Scout’s Honor. I was late because of it. I illegally passed on a double yellow line – sorry Deputy Troy – just to skate around them and make my way up the mountain.

Ben: I don’t like this. I – I don’t know that I’ve ever known anyone that saw the flowers delivered. Usually businesses and people just find the wreaths the next morning. Did you see inside the hearse? Was it… people?

Sammy: You know, I didn’t look, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say… it was a human being.

Ben: Well, that’s good. That’s something.

Sammy: Okay, so the roses…

Ben: Dammit, Sammy! We’ve got a show scheduled, ya know?

Sammy: I’m well aware! Just fill me in about the roses and we’ll move on.

Ben: Yeah, yeah, okay, so... *takes deep breath* Every year around this time –

Sammy: Halloween…

Ben: OCTOBER.

Sammy: Uh-huh…

Ben: Every October… there is a certain society of people – and I use the term people loosely – that congregate and deliver the rose wreaths to individuals and businesses. That’s a fact.

Sammy: And?

Ben: And…nobody really knows what happens after that.

Sammy: *you can actually hear the smile in his voice* But legend has it

Ben: Don’t legend-has-it me! Nobody knows for sure! Why gossip?

Sammy: Okay, what do you think happens, Ben?

Ben: Ughhhhh, well, I think people either accept this weird invitation or…they don’t. But I can tell you, the people that don’t? Well…they don’t last long after that.

Sammy: Okay so we’ve just went from spooky 1-800-Flowers to murder in only a few easy steps.

Ben: Not, murder, per say…but businesses that decline tend to move away or go under. Or tragedy strikes. Sure, I’ve- I’ve heard stories of these folks winding up at the wrong end of a funeral ceremony, but I couldn’t prove it. You satisfied now?

Sammy: Of course. Thank you, Ben. King Falls you’ve heard our story, now let’s hear yours!

Ben: DON’T open the phone lines!

Sammy: We’re opening up the phone lines here at the station. 424-279-3858. Have you had contact with this demonic annual floral delivery? Hit us up!

Ben: Don’t call or tweet us. Please.

Sammy: Give us a call or tweet us @KingFallsAM. Ben will personally answer every tweet #RedRumRoses

Ben: NOPE! Not gonna happen.

Sammy: Ben…. It looks like the phone lines are lighting up, buddy.

Ben: I expected better of you, King Falls.

Sammy: Lucky Line 1 you’re on the air with Sammy and Ben.

Pete: Low down, gossip mongering, muckraking FILTH.

Ben: Pete?

Sammy: *softly* Escobar?

Pete: No, it- it’s Pete. You know damn well I’m listening.

Ben: What’s on your mind tonight, Pete?

Sammy: Did your mom teach you to start off phone calls with name-calling, Pete?

Pete: My mom taught me to…stand up for myself. Don’t start a fight, but don’t be afraid to end it.

Sammy: Who’s fighting?

Pete: Oh, what a short attention span you have, SAMMY. Not dwelling on you and Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard III issues, you’re picking a fight with the unknown. Ben told you to shut your trap.

Sammy: Heh, let me tell you, this would a long 4 hours if we didn’t talk. You know, sometimes you have to –

Pete: Yeah, yeah, I get it, Mr. Nincompoop radio host. You gotta blab, but that’s something you don’t trifle with. You should know this.

Ben: Sammy, you know I hate to say Pete is right about anything, b-

Pete: But I’m right about this! I know you know, Ben. That’s all I need to know. Stop yapping about things you don’t understand.

Sammy: Thanks, Pete. Did you have a question or an experience with the flowers, Pete?

Pete: Ab-absolutely not. I – don’t try to get me in trouble.

Ben: You okay over there, Pete?

Pete: *nervous* Yeah I’m just out…uh, just out.

Sammy: This time of night?

Pete: Yeah, I’m just out uh runnin errands and stuff. It’s n- it’s not your business!

Ben: Uh-huh…

Pete: You’re makin something of this. You- you’re doin something. You’re getting me invol-stop!

Ben: It’s just weird, Mr. Beauregard’s gardener is out at 2 in the morning running errands.

Sammy: So your boss doesn’t have anything to do with the roses, does he, Pete?

Pete: Ben Arnold, if you got a lick of good sense, I wouldn’t walk too close to Sammy for the next few hmmm…life times! He’s gonna end up on the bottom end of an anvil.

Sammy: You know, I just don’t think asking questions is the equivalent of buying ACME rocket kits and trying to catch a damn bird.

Ben: Mind answering his question, Pete?

Pete: Oh, HELL NO. You two are a couple of horse patoots. I’m never listening to this show again.

Ben: Until tomorrow.

Pete: PETE OUT *hangs up*

Ben: Are you happy, Sammy? Is this what you were hoping for?

Sammy: Civilized conversation is the only thing I hope for. That said, I’m gonna say… it’s a tad bit suspicious.

Ben: There are dots we don’t need to connect. MOVING ON

Sammy: Maybe you’re right.

Ben: Folks, we’re gonna take a break to pay some bills, and we’ll be right back and on schedule.

(Wild West Themed Music) Dale’s Dollar Tree…at dirt cheap prices…it’s almost free. Hi, everybody, I’m super excited to tell you bout some unbelievable deals we have right now…at Dale’s Dollar Tree. Segue through the sands *Eagle Screeches * Our low prices are guaranteed. Who’s guaranteeing it you ask? Me. How do you take advantage of these savings? 1) Walk into Dale’s Dollar Tree 2) Throw something in your cart 3) Savings. DALE’S DOLLAR TREE *EAGLE SCREECHES*

(King Falls AM theme plays)

Sammy: Ladies and gentlemen, we are back. You’re listening to King Falls AM. Now we were just talking about me running late this morning, cause of a hearse-

Ben: SO WE GOT A GREAT SHOW SCHEDULED TONIGHT. We’ve got Mr. Eli Goldblum later in the hour.

Sammy: And who is Mr. Goldblum?

Ben: Are you kidding me? Only the most renowned mortal psychologist known to man. He’s on his spoken word world tour. This Thursday you can see him live at The King Falls Convention Center.

Sammy: That’s…something.

Ben: Indeed! So that’s in about…40 minutes. We got Rose from Rose’s Diner, of course, coming in to talk about how the bee crisis is affecting her honey baked ham specials in the foreseeable future.

Sammy: Really? That’s something that’s happening?

Ben: Come on, Sammy. This bee situation is serious business.

Sammy: You get points for not buzzing or saying “beeeees-ness”

Ben: You don’t wanna know how hard that was…

Sammy: So, okay…how can we help with the bees?

Ben: Uh… cut back on swatting them? I-I-I don’t know for sure that’s-that’s why we’re talkin to Rose.

Sammy: Gotcha

Ben: And our first topic of discussion this evening was gonna be –

Sammy: About the flowers.

Ben: Don’t.

Sammy: Okay, look: can we open up the phone lines again? I’d like to talk about these flowers, and you can tell King Falls your topic, and then we’ll see what they wanna talk about.

Ben: You know they’ll talk about the damn rose wreaths!

Sammy: You heard it here, folks. Line 7, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Herschel: Ugh I can’t sleep with all this damn racket going on! You two DINGLEBERRIES keep it down!

Sammy: *laughs* Herschel?

Herschel: Oh, hell. Don’t make me get out of bed and give you a full blast so late at night. Don’t even know where my slippers are…

Ben: Mr. Baumgartner, you realize you called us, right? This is the radio station.

Herschel: I know WHO and WHAT I called. I dialed you DICKWHISTLES because all this cry babying about the damn flowers. Turn that jazz fella back on so I can get some rest!

Sammy: Chet is on from 10pm-2am, Mr. Baumgartner. This is Sammy and Ben and we talk about –

Herschel: I don’t give a damn if it’s Tricky Dick Nixon calling me to give me a congressional medal of honor! Shut your nose holes about the damn funeral flowers and play some good ol heroin fueled American art! *hangs up*

Sammy: We’re gonna count that as a 1 for the flowers…

Ben: Line 14 you’re live with Sammy and Ben

Caller: Long time listener here!

Sammy: *hangs up line*

Ben: Did you hang up, Sammy?

Sammy: Yeah, sorry. I hate that guy.

Ben: *chuckles* Line 3, this is King Falls AM.

Beauregard: Good evening, Benjamin. Samuel. This is –

Ben: Beauregard?!

Beauregard: *sighs* Mr. Howard Ford Beauregard the THIRD. My man told me that you were spreading more lies than usual on your little radio show. I thought I would call and clear the air.

Sammy: Mr. Beauregard, can I just say... before this call goes ANY further, that we will not accept any abuse towards us or any listeners of the show.

Beauregard: How cute that you think people listen to you two buffoons.

Ben: That’s abuse! That’s exactly what we were –

Beauregard: Oh, that’s a joke where I come from. You millennials would’ve never lasted back in my day. With your emotions and feelings of the like.

Ben: When was that day, again, Mr. Beauregard?

Beauregard: Information about myself and my family can be found in my international best selling e-book, “King of King Falls” … I don’t have to answer to, well, you.

Sammy: *sighs* Did you have a reason for the call tonight, Beauregard?

Beauregard: Indeed, I do. While men with any couth wouldn’t speak about festivities that they know nothing about.

Sammy: So, you’re behind these deliveries?

Ben: Also, while I would never name names and throw my friend under a bus, you should know this wasn’t the agreed upon topic on the show.

Sammy: Oh, stop it.

Beauregard: I don’t know a thing about the supposed yearly delivery of white roses that you speak of. My family, nor myself, have ever been involved with such joviality. In fact, in all my years I can’t recollect such a thing.

Ben: I don’t buy that for a second. Maybe you’ve never sent the roses, and let’s play devil’s advocate and say sure you’ve never received them, which I doubt, but there is no way you haven’t heard of this.

Beauregard: Maybe it’s something you commoners have made up. Like, the tooth fairy or the illuminati… or equal rights for the sexes.

Ben: I can’t deal with this guy! Just dump him and let’s take another line.

Sammy: Wait, Mr. Beauregard, if you don’t care about this and in fact haven’t even heard of it until tonight, why would you bother to break your hate silence with us to call in?

Beauregard: You’re not nearly as dumb as you look, Stevens. And while I continue to honor my statement before, I’d have to assume that this rose ordeal is a real thing. It’s probably a very special thing. An intimate invitation sent by the upper echelons of King Falls. A way of making amends or bring people worthy of attention into a conversation they normally would not have been invited to have.

Ben: Just for everyone keeping score at home, I took a college course on crazy and I believe he’s saying he knows that the wreath deliveries are real and he’s probably behind them.

Beauregard: Time is money, gentleman. Not that you understand that concept. But instead of painting a ceremony you know nothing about as tragic and scary, perhaps it’s not. Perhaps it’s something more than that, entirely. In any case, it’s not something that should be spoken about in public. *phone chirps* Ah…I’ll be going now, gentlemen. And while I do use that word lightly perhaps take a break from your radio program and check your door.

Ben: Is that a threat?

Beauregard: Trick-or-Treat, Samuel…Benjamin. *hangs up*

Sammy: Wonder what he sounds like when he has something nice to say to me…

Ben: Probably hasn’t said anything nice to a person since the 60’s. The 1860’s.

Sammy: Ya know, I didn’t mean to ruffle anyone’s feathers tonight. Especially crazy old billionaires who try to drive us off the air, so let’s just –

Ben: I’M GONNA GO CHECK THE DOOR.

Sammy: WHAT?

Ben: Yeah, I’m sorry, man… Beauregard gives the willies and I wanna make sure there isn’t –

Sammy: A sugar glider on a noose?

Ben: Too far. I was just gonna say that he hasn’t had Pete ding-dong-ditch us or something.

Sammy: And here I thought the Williams Boys had that market cornered.

Ben: I’ll be back in a sec. *sounds of getting up from his chair and leaving*

Sammy: *calling after him* Don’t talk about Pete that way, Ben! He’s never gonna listen to the show again! Alright, folks. We’re just a few hot minutes away from Eli Goldblum coming into the studio to talk about…I’m guessing ghosts with lingering mental issues? *ominous music starts playing* Ah, I’m sorry apparitions. *sounds of Ben running back into the studio* I’m holding out hope for an apparition with multiple personality disorders, but I don’t know if that’s a thing or not. Ben? You okay, buddy?

Ben: How many times did I ask you to stop talking about the stupid hearse, Sammy?

Sammy: What’s wrong?

Ben: Oh, nothing. You wanna go outside and take a look?

Sammy: You know, I don’t think I want to. I’m more than happy with you filling me in.

Ben: Well, I didn’t go outside, Sammy. I didn’t have to. I just looked out the front window.

Sammy: Yeah, and? Ben, what’s going on do we need to call Troy?

Ben: The whole parking lot: my car, your car, as far as the lights will let me see…nothing but white roses.

Sammy: Are you serious?

Ben: Go look! Just don’t go out there. It looked like it was snowing, that’s how many of those damn things are out there.

Sammy: Okay, what’s the chances that it’s just a non-Halloween bouquet from Emily to you?

Ben: ZERO. Zero percent chance, Sammy.

Sammy: Folks, we’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

#king falls #king falls am #12 #transcript #transcripts #podcast #kfam

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