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spnsmile · 5 years

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15x11 (The Gamblers) "I gotta call Cas...✨

Coda💔

Dean didn't know what’s worse—seeing Sam get slowly defeated in a game of winner takes all, or find himself on the sideline being unable to do anything to help his brother.

So brooding and silent, he watched as the game folds in and out of their favor.

The length of the game makes him want to puke. Make his heart drum nervously every time Sam makes a miss.

Cas.

He tried calling Cas earlier only to get a voicemail. Didn't help his nerves. He wants to call Cas again now that the main antagonist happened to be another immortal goddess who's out to get their limbs in pieces.

If Cas were here... He'd feel a lot safer.

Sam misses. Dean hisses and tries not to look away. Sam needs his support. The game goes on. It's now when his heart won’t stop its erratic beats preparing for the worse. All he can do nows is silently pray to the angel to guide his brother.

Pure longing smacks Dean in the face.

Then Sam wins.

Dean shakes his fist in the air, nearly solemnly praying to Castiel to listen out of happiness.

Then the bait comes—

“Another game, double or nothing.” She offers. Dean grunts. Of course, she would. She knows how bad Sam wants to save everyone else. Dean actually knows Sam would ask for another game anyway. His brother is too stubborn to let these people die. So when Sam says, “Yeah, deal,” Dean could only look away, trepidation in his chest.

Luck once. Risk it twice.

Call Cas.

The urge to call Cas wraps in Dean's mind that his hand slips at the back of his pocket where he keeps his phone.

Sam plays, but instinct told Dean only a miracle would help them. Deep inside he knows they would lose. That fighting gods and goddesses were like buying nukes and putting them in his pockets.

He wants to tell Cas what’s going on, wants to get him speeding here right now, the game is serious and for all Dean knows, they could actually be trapped here while the gingerbread goddess drains them of their lives.It didn’t last long and the shoe drops. Dean closes his eyes and shakea his head in defeat.

Too bad…. too bad.

“You challenged the Goddess of Luck in her own joint, what did you think was gonna happen?”

Dean leaves Sam talking to Evie on the counter. Told them he needed to have a moment to himself.He found a private corner by the fireside, away from everyone else, where no one can hear him.

It takes a moment of silence. A lot of inhales and ragged breathing. Then he bows his head, swallowing the bitter pill with expression still hard.

He opts to pray to Castiel, but then, all things considered, Cas might just blast the door, come here, play his luck (which is no better than Dean's) and may even end up trapped here as well.

Chances are high of Cas making another deal-breaker like with Billie.

Dean can’t have that. He licks his dried lips and look down his hands, the lump in the middle of his throat not disappearing.

Then it dawns on him.

It’s a dead end.

What then? Die like they don't exist? Would Chuck bring them back? Toy with them again or maybe he'll keep them buried deep enough?

Frankly, Dean didn’t wanna. Won’t give Chuck the satisfaction of owing him anything. They’ve called it quits.

Dean takes his phone out, sighing heavily as he dials Cas’ number.

It doesn’t surprise him when all he got is a voicemail again. He stares at his phone dumbly, wondering why he couldn’t get anything else in his mind like he’s a tower with no hope for reception, lost amidst the woods, searching for a way out.

Then it hits him. He won’t be able to say goodbye . Won't be able to see Cas again.

The thought somewhat scared Dean. It didn't make sense. Dying amd separation had been his and Cas' symphony ever since they met each other.

What makes separation now any different?

Hands shaking a little, Dean grips the phone tight and dials again. He doesn’t know how to talk to Cas, honestly doesn’t know what to say.

He gotta reach Cas.

Tell him how he’d been stupid enough to let Sam play against the Goddess of Luck that ultimately led to their death.

Listen to Cas call him stupid again and again, no matter how many times…. Because that’s just it, they don’t have time .

Dean knows Cas would do anything for them. He wants to let Cas, but at the same time no. This is Lady Luck. He won’t take that chance again, he won't let Cas pay for this prize.

The voice mail sounds.

“Hey… Cas.” he begins, his voice unexpectedly calm. “Listen uh, I know you’re busy… probably still in heaven… but I, I just gotta tell you we uh… we…” he inhales, profound grief growing in his chest, guilt clawing his insides, “Uh… you uh… remember what we used to say we gotta do stuff with…our lives on the line? Well… me and Sam just pulled out another Kirk Douglas thing… Remember Lonely are the Brave ?”

Dean hesitates, Castiel’s face of pure confusion making him smile a little when he hears this.

“Uh…okay, bad news pal... But you gotta promise me you’ll listen carefully to me, okay? Before you do anything... don’t go Han Solo on me and just… just listen, Cas…”

Palpable silence.

“We’re gonna die, Cas.” he croaks.

A beat of silence.

Dean turns and clears his throat. He hides his eyes on his left palm, glad that shadows kept him from prying eyes.

Just too much nerves for a day. Too much to think about. Too much to say and relay to his best friend.

Too much to say goodbye. Saying goodbye to Cas... Leaving Cas alone, Dean blinks upwards before everything hits him in the core.

How Cas will be alone.

“Sorry to leave you hanging, Cas,” he chuckles, trying his best to sound everything’s okay meanwhile his insides burning guiltily, “Shouldn't have risked so much in a game. I’m still processing... But uh... We gambled and the stakes, you know we don't do things halfway so... you can imagine. Yeah, it’s bad. Things went sideways… really bad, and we…” he swallows hard, “We lost. Lives for a coin, winner takes all."

He wants to tell Cas he’s okay, wants to assure his friend things are good.

But there’s too much lie there and Castiel would only be hurt further.

"Cas, we're good. Sam's fine. I'm fine for now. But I'm more worried about you that's why I called... Wanted to make sure there's even closure here... coz I don't really think we'll see each other again." he smiles a little, "You know all those times Sam and I died? Always thought luck was on our side. This time we got unlucky, and Chuck's not really on board of the whole... Snap fingers, you live thing. It's done. I think this time it's gonna kick... And i better do my bit here propeely coz... Coz I'm really gonna miss you, Cas. And... fuck, I'm worried for you."

He thinks of Cas receiving this, thinks of his best friend’s grieving expression, the same face he’s seen at lost when Jack died.

Dean suddenly lets out a tiny whimper. He remembers Jack. Remembers how Cas already suffered losing a loved one. Losing the Winchesters would destroy him.

Dean opens his eyes again. He can’t have that. Can’t have Cas broken again.

Dean knows how painful it is to be left behind. Oh damn, he wants to see Cas...

“Cas, no matter what happens, you promise me you will live, okay? That you won’t do anything to endanger your life. I don’t want you to do anything about this. I think this is in one of Billie's black notes. Me and Sam dying together averta any chances of Chick winning. So we will be gone, but you… you gotta live. Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe Chuck will leave this world alone now that we’re finally gone. Make him move on to other universes to entertain himself. Maybe you get to live a peaceful life now, Cas…”

At least he won’t have nightmares about Cas dying anymore. Stop all the heartbreaks.

The pain is real. The remorse is real. But above all, regret for not being able to stay with the angel a little bit longer.

There's a gap in his heart that will never be filled. An empty space only for the angel.

“Cas, please… you… you gotta promise me you will move on. That’s what you do, right? Move on. Go find another charge, go save another life… Me and Sam are gonna be with mum and dad so… move on, Cas… and help as many people as you can. Go have a new start, buddy. Forget us… forget about how we messed up. You gotta live for the world…so move on… forget us. Save more lives…”

How stupid, Dean.

Dean shuts his eyes, the familiar voice in his head sending fire all over his being. He tries to brace himself once more, brings his cold hands to hos face and sighs deeply.

It ain't about him.

“It’s just too bad I can’t see you again. Sorry to drop the world on your shoulder, man… I want you to be happy, Cas… I want you to deserve living a happy life… I…”

He thinks of Castiel only. A world where Cas can do miracles and make people happy. Just like how he’s been with Dean. How he changed Dean’s life forever.

This time he's giving Cas to the world.

He bows his head, tears streaming down incessantly. There's not enough words to say it to Cas. Not enough time to make anything out of it so Dean chokes silently on his palms and gives a muffled—

“I’m gonna miss you, Cas… thank you for being my angel. Thank you for not leaving my side when everyone else did. You put up with me… and I was… I was a mean jerk who didn’t deserve you. Cas, I don’t know what would’ve happened to me if I didn’t meet you. Maybe just another hunter out for blood with no life to give. Maybe just another brother to Sam constantly failing to understand… maybe, just maybe, just another fucked up human with nothing. I got nothing Cas, before you found me. So I gotta thank you for that. And I’m sorry for everything I cost you. Your family, your wings, your grace… Thank you for being there even when I was being mean to you, or push you away. You gave yourself to me, Cas... You were mine from the start… and you know I’m yours too… I…"

I love you….

Dean shuts his eyes. He cannot be that selfish now.

“Cas I…”

I love you…

Dean chokes. They never got what they deserved.

“Thank you.”

Tears streaming down his eyes, Dean shakes his head.

“ Goodbye, Cas.”

He pulls the phone down and curls his knees up to his chest and hisses and gulps back at his heavy heart.

🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

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