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zorelle · 3 years ago

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Blue Unicorn - Unicornio azul

So we all… know who the unicorn is, right.

This song is about losing him.

Unicornio is a song by the great Cuban poet singer-songwriter Silvio Rodriguez. Silvio is one of the most renowned artists in his genre, la Nueva Trova Cubana, the musical Cuban expression of the counterculture/anti-establishment phenomenon in the 60s and 70s around all of the Americas and parts of Europe. Silvio is it for me like so many of his songs fuck me up I grew up listening to him, a lot of my first approach to politics came by asking about his lyrics … To thread a loose parallel to my non-Latinx readers, you could place him next to Bob Dylan, as in he´s one of the protest singers in Latinoamérica and that whole thing was huge here, still is.

So the song is actually just called Unicorn but everyone knows it as The Blue Unicorn so you know when the derangement hit months ago… and then Y yo a ti happened (!!) … Like this is one of the songs that made me do the playlist. (btw here's the playlist). This one is not as long as the last one, but I still think we should discuss it under a cut.

Ok… here we go.

That Destiel shot

Originally I thought about this song for the Purgatory arc, and I think it still fits by the lyrics, but the more I listen to it I think about the widower arc or I see Dean crying in despair… the song has this deep melancholic feeling that penetrates you, this sense of loss and hopelessness and like sweet awful grieving... So. In general, this is from Dean's POV and it's about every time he thought he'd lost Cas forever. Listen to it and you'll get a better vibe from this whole post, I swear. And yes, by a better vibe I do mean a sorrowful one. So go listen to it while Dean cries aklashdkjffvfth.

Blue Unicorn

— as translated by me.

My blue unicorn got lost from me yesterday

I left him grazing

and now he's disappeared

If there´s any lead or tip…

I'll pay for it well.

The flowers he left me

I lost him yesterday,

are refusing to speak.

my blue unicorn

I don't know if he ran out

or if maybe he got lost…

And I have nothing left

but a single, blue unicorn

If anyone knows anything of him

I beg you to tell me,

100k, a million, I'll pay it.

…My blue unicorn.

I lost him yesterday,

My unicorn and I, we built this friendship

He left…

A little bit on love,

a little bit on truth.

He would fish out songs with his indigo horn

And then he knew exactly

Yesterday, I lost my blue unicorn

how to share them.

And this may have started to sound

like an obsession, to you

But I've got nothing more than a blue unicorn

Even if I had two,

I only want him.

I'll pay for any, any tip…

…My blue unicorn.

I lost him yesterday.

He's gone.

That Destiel meaning

–––

I could start waxing poetics about Dean's grief and loss, but really the song already accomplishes that so much better when you listen to it and think of him. I think what I want to talk about is how the song belongs on the playlist, not only by Dean's POV in the story but by us. Because I think the way the show was handled forged this open wound on a lot of people where we never got a moment to actually say goodbye properly, to Cas. So the audience had to go through this grieving without closure.

A few days ago the spn fandom (the guys I follow anyway) were talking about how Castiel felt real to them and I think that's very powerful and true, like… I balled my eyes out recently when Misha said he believed Cas felt loved before the Empty took him. like I KNOW I understand he's not real… but it felt like Misha was the last person who saw a friend in common who I didn't get to see and lost forever, and he was sharing that my friend had felt loved before he died. I know it may sound weird to outsiders but I'm sure you understand. Our mind doesn't recognize fictional characters as fictional. If we care about them and we lose them, then real or not it's gonna hurt bad, and actually, this whole tumblr experience has been partially about healing that wound for me. The ending felt like a symbolic act of violence to a lot of communities I identify as part of and that's why I rewatched spn to catch up but I came to care about these characters and their fates, and it hurt like a bitch in the end because they didn't get a respectful closure, and it felt almost hateful to Castiel.

So yes, it is about Dean losing Cas and the uneasiness and grieve and obsession over finding him, but I think it could also be about the spn fandom wanting to see our fictional best friend again and the despair of not having that moment to say goodbye or to not know if he's happy wherever he is now.

Lastly, I wanted to say this song interests me in the latinenatural sense because… if we consider Latinenatural beyond the funnies, I think the treatment of the story would change drastically under a Latinx lens. Some parts actually do change under our consumption of the media as viewers. There's a lot of despair and grief and horror in Latinoamérica… So the setting of losing and searching for someone by a Latinx lens I think wouldn't necessarily have Dean chopping heads as to show how much Castiel means to him, I think it would maybe focus, even on a fantasy setting, on the horrible journey of searching obsessively for someone who disappeared. Or at least that's what I'd do with it. I would talk about the disheartening horror of losing a loved one and not knowing what happened to them.

Something more like Unicornio. Because the song, corny as it may sound talking about a magical beast, is written in honor of a disappeared friend.

About the song

¿Cómo pudisteis cantar infamemente a las abstractas rosas y a la luna bruñida, cuando se caminaba paralelamente al litoral del hambre y se sentía el alma sepultada bajo un volcán de látigos y cárceles, de patrones borrachos y gangrenas y obscuros desperdicios de vida sin estrellas? — Roque Dalton, Canto a nuestra posición.

There's a bunch of theories around the meaning of the song. This is partially Silvio's fault bc he's been changing his answer on interviews for decades now, sometimes he has talked about how everyone has a unicorn so it's left for interpretation, other times he straight up says he actually had a unicorn and lost it… So people have come up with theories like 'he used to have a unicorn toy when he was a child' or 'he means unicorn as in the artistic inspiration, the muse', the most bonkers one is 'he lost a pair of jeans he really liked'… I'm here to tell you I've done my research and they're all wrong. I caught you, Silvio! I did my homework and I gotcha now! (actually, all I had to do was read the reference for the cd booklet)

In 1982 while presenting his album, Unicornio, Silvio says "everything started with a good friend I made called Roque Dalton, he was from El Salvador and besides being an amazing poet, he was a great revolutionary, which would ultimately cost him his life (…)"

Roque Dalton was recognized by a lot of people, he was admired by big names like Julio Cortazar and Elena Poniatowska, as much for his revolutionary spirit as for his rare natural ability to thread words in beautiful ways either be it poetically or narratively, which people recognized it also had to do with how close he was to his story and his people, the care he had for his country. Because of that, he got arrested a lot by the right-wing regime in El Salvador and ultimately had to exile himself in Mexico. From there Roque went to all the hot spots in the Soviet bloc and then settled in Cuba, where he met Silvio… and Cortazar, actually. Cortazar said he met him when Roque was getting in an argument about gun usage with Fidel Castro at a party. Like, imagine that. (x)(x)

So Roque is Silvio's unicorn, and the song is partly about his disappearance. He was killed by his own mates on the revolutionary forces, which really... I think is so fucked up. El Salvador didn't open any investigation, no one was ever charged for his death, and his body was never recovered.

Some articles on Roque Dalton: x x x x x x x x

The other inspiration Silvio talked about was actually Roque's son, Juan José Dalton, who also made part of a guerrilla and, young as he was, had already been persecuted, captured, and tortured by the time Silvio and he spoke again. On that occasion, he had told Silvio that when he lived as a combatant in the mountains, he used to see a blue unicorn grazing in the distance from time to time. I guess that reminded him of his friend, forever lost to him and all of us.

Wouldnt it be nice to think of the people we love and lose as magical beings at peace, grazing around mountains, partially covered by the morning fog?

Anyway, this post is part of a set of rants I'm (slowly) writing about my playlist, Destiel en español, on Spotify. I wrote this one particularly in celebration of @tootiredmotel 's 500 followers, she planned 3 prompts each day for 4 days, I wanted this post to be ready on day 1 for "blue", but I'm like 2 days late 😬.

However, I hope you still find me sexy when I tell you I can fit it in today's prompt which is "reunite"... In order to reunite them on a good note and close this full circle, I choose the words of Roque Dalton to take us there, he says:

"Cuando sepas que he muerto no pronuncies mi nombre, porque se detendría la muerte y el reposo"

"When you know I've died don't say my name, for that alone would stop all death and stasis"

That´s it for now, my heller friends and latinenatural vibrs. I hope you enjoyed it. 👐🏾✨

🦄 Destiel en Español 💙

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#destiel en español #destiel as songs #latinenatural #sobrenatural #spn meta #latam dub my beloved #my heller heart #cancion protesta #silvionatural #tootired500 #destiel #destiel is canon #ask me again in spanish #y yo a ti cas #y yo a ti #misha collins #he saw love in his eyes #castiel my beloved #el unicornio azul

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louisdotmp3 · 4 years ago

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MAY 2021 - month in review & monthly favorites

helloooo what a good month full of birthdays and anniversaries!

first: all my spnwomenweek edits

web weaving

tfw + iain s thomas poems

despair + cheryl strayed quotes

my chest is soaked dark with love for you

work song + the prisoner

pilot + i think this might all be a bad dream

jack + poetry

defenceless + despair

colorsnatural

pilot in rainbow

pilot in green

pink film: one, two, three

sam’s birthday

cas? are you god?

final girl dean

baby

pinknatural: the prisoner

pinknatural: jack

purplenatural: tmwwbk

purplenatural: the rupture

purplenatural: destiel

purplenatural: general (another)

oilslicknatural: tmwwbk

oilslicknatural: claire

buffynatural

i don’t know how to live in this world

lie to me / the man who would be king

writing

kill that father friday (killing john 5 +1) with @hellerjesuschrist and @hazloveshisboo (m, 21.8k)

dean stumbles upon a vampire brothel and remembers the time he let benny bite him in purgatory (e, 1.6k)

the stanford era deanlee saga: one, two, three, four

other

tfw + defining hand moments

defining hand moments 2: parents

it’s fine, cas. besides, i had it coming

trueform cas (alternate version)

9-1-1 suspicion / btvs seeing red

MAY FAVORITES

edits

tmwwbk floral cas by @floral-cas

dead man’s blood, bloodlust by @emptymeg

cas glitch trueform by @omniscientoranges

dean by @deanscaps

aesthetic spn 1 by @bluefirecas

everything you’ve ever done, you’ve done for love by @bluefirecas

dta paperback designs by @jurisffiction

gifs

btvs + blood by @spuffygifs

spn mothers by @winchestergifs

tombstone by @burnhamandtilly

blue + pink tombstone by @forthiswholeworld

purple tombstone by @casjpg

the prisoner by @holmesemrys

spnwomen week: old school by @forthiswholeworld

sparkly dean smith by @endverse

dean & his little outfits by @burnhamandtilly

art

dean and cas’ beginning by @beezybeeart

night watch (purgatory) by @maesisms

dean’s daddy issues collage and hoziernatural collage by @its-maddiec

tmwwbk neon cas by @dualityofcastiel

salman toor green room inspired deancas by @wildwomanbluess

dean and cas kiss by @cottoncandyofterror

heart on his sleeve dean & confused cas by @dragqueendean

dean “the divine invasion of the garden” and dean outfits by @clickbaitcowboy

fingers in his mouth friday by @wingnasty

cas and purple cas by @babyjacktruther

sam and rainbow cas by @not-xpr-art

jack + cas by @jackklinestan

hoziernatural deancas and cas by @mmarz23

cas #1 dad by @match-less-bee-bud

claire n kaia by @beanietoast

cas by @frodo-a-gogo

dean and cas couch cuddles by @jensensitive

billie by @deancascrowley

dean + cas + neon vibes by @hardcoremisery

beard dean by @ozonecologne

videos

crowded table animation by @skepticalfrogg

crowded table amv by @procrastinatingbisexual

dean is a working girl by @detectivemogeta

trueform cas by @angelfirevt

tmwwbk + no reptiles by @loverfighter

dean winchester - as a child by @bisexualrowena

season one + faceless by @marlborodean

somebody to love by @katebushstandean

writing

human cas by @deanpdf

what a month ! u all are so talented i’m blowing a kiss to all of u. clearly i read no fic, maybe in june i will

if you ever want me to reblog something of yours, you can use my tracking tag #qaslight so i can see it! 💖🌻

#i'm prettyyyy sure all the links are correct/have the new url #if one doesn't work lmk #em.favs #clearly need to do more buffynatural in june

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loveinterestcastiel · 4 years ago

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sursum corda

Part one of a new canon divergent series, “A Sacrament to Be Taken Kneeling”

Summary: the opening dialogue to the eucharistic prayer, or anaphora, translated to english means “lift up your hearts”, and is the beginning of a devout worshipper’s holy communion with god

Canon divergent from 6x22, this one is rated M for religious blasphemy, power dynamics, and mature subject matter (later installments will be rated E for violence, sexual content, and graphic depictions of blood). Honestly this is just a fucked up exploration of the catholicnatural that could have been if the spn writers hadn’t been cowards and had instead really leaned into the whole Godstiel thing, and his dynamic with Dean. I’m going to hell for this and you know what? That’s just fine with me.

It can be read here or in AO3! Enjoy <3

Castiel was brighter than the sun, and he was beautiful. He was the most terrifying thing Dean had ever seen, because somewhere in there, he could still see Cas, the old Cas. He let Crowley go. Dean was going to kill that demon, but- later. Later, when they got out of here and got Sammy put back together.

Then Castiel blew Raphael up with nothing more than a snap of his fingers, and their most formidable adversary, after all these months, was suddenly just a bloody smear on the wall. The last Apocalyptic threat, gone, just like that, leaving Dean and Bobby alone with a Cas-gone-nuclear.

They were so, so fucked.

Cas looked over to Dean, his face softening incrementally but still distinctly smug.

"So you see," he said, turning away from Dean and moving as if to inspect his explosive handiwork, "I saved you."

Dean Winchester is saved.

“You sure did, Cas,” Dean said faintly, drifting further into Cas’s orbit as if somehow compelled. Castiel didn’t acknowledge him, keeping his back turned, his spine ramrod straight. Damage control. Holy fucking shit, damage control right now. “Thank you.”

“You doubted me. Fought against me.” He slowly turned to face Dean, a mockery of their first meeting in that rundown barn years ago, tilting his head the same way, his blue eyes the same limitless color and just as mesmerizing, but somehow about a million times more unsettling. “But I was right all along.”

Dean’s stomach swooped. “Okay, Cas, you were. We’re sorry,” he added quickly, his breath shallow and shaky. “Now let’s just defuse you, okay?” he suggested, the words cumbersome and heavy in his mouth.

Cas narrowed his eyes almost imperceptibly before relaxing again. “What do you mean?” he asked icily.

Dean forged on desperately. “You’re full of nuke. It’s not safe, so before the eclipse ends, let’s get them souls back to where they belong.” Oh, he felt like he was going to be sick. Please, Cas, please just listen to me…

“Oh, no, they belong with me,” Cas countered, his tone almost patronizing, like he was speaking to a child.

“No, Cas,” Dean interrupted before his brain or his fear could catch up to him. “It’s- it’s scrambling your brain.”

“No, I’m not finished yet,” he said firmly, with the ghost of a cold smile tugging on his features. “Raphael had many followers, and I must-” Cas paused, choosing his words, “punish them all severely,” he finished deliberately.

Bobby’s eyes darted over to Dean. He was visibly horrified.

Okay. One last effort. Okay.

Dean shoved down his fear and tried again. “Listen to me.” He stepped closer to Cas, swallowing hard as his voice fought to stick in his throat and looking steadily into his eyes. “Listen- I know there’s a lot of bad water under the bridge. But we were family, once,” he pleaded. “I’d have died for you. I almost did a few times.” Castiel’s face remained impassive but Dean continued. “So if that means anything to you- please,” he begged, abandoning his pride. “I’ve lost Lisa, I’ve lost Ben, and now I’ve lost Sam. Don’t make me lose you too.”

Castiel wrenched his eyes away from Dean’s and cast his gaze down to the floor between them. Was he considering it?

“You don’t need this kind of juice anymore, Cas,” he tried to reason. “Get rid of it before it kills us all.”

A beat.

“You’re just saying that because I won,” Cas mused, raising his gaze back up to look at Dean again, pinning him there like a specimen under a microscope. “Because you’re afraid . You’re not my family, Dean,” he said, closing the remaining distance between them until he stood less than an arm’s reach away, positively radiating power, the air vibrating with it. “You’re just… human.”

His eyes lingered on Dean’s face, tracing his freckles, his eyelashes. Whatever he was looking for, he didn’t seem to find it. Castiel’s face hardened into stone, his next words iron. “I have no family.”

The words rang in Dean’s ears, banging about his brain and battering it into despair. It felt like a small death, his heart pulling on his ribs as he floundered for a new angle to pursue.

And then Sam was there, behind Castiel, and he just stabbed him with an angel blade, and Cas was swaying just a bit with the blade still stuck in his back as Sam gasped for air behind him, clearly distressed and stumbling backwards.

Dean froze, horrified.

What the FUCK were you thinking, Sam?

But- oh. Oh god.

Cas wasn’t dead. It didn’t work. His brain buzzed blankly with a static-y sensation of bewilderment as Cas reached around himself and pulled out the blade- shiny, clean, utterly free of blood- with an alarming squelching noise.

"I'm glad you made it, Sam," Cas said in a distressingly level voice, placing the newly-extricated angel blade on the table in front of him before turning to glance at Sam. “But the angel blade won’t work, because I’m not an angel anymore,” he said, matter-of-fact as could be, as if he hadn’t just dropped yet another massive bomb on their lives. Sam looked to Bobby, his eyes wide, and Bobby shrugged back minutely, similarly floored.

Look at me, Cas, leave Sammy alone, you’ve done enough-

As if he heard Dean’s thoughts- fuck, was he praying?- Castiel turned back to Dean and met his eyes. “I’m your new God,” he said, with an air of authority and immense self-satisfaction permeating his words. “A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord. Or I shall destroy you.”

Bobby’s eyes widened in the periphery of Dean’s vision as time seemed to swirl and slow down to a crawl- clearly, he hadn’t expected this either.

Sammy was strung out and swaying on his feet behind Cas, his eyes darting and rolling over the room as he rode out the hellish things that tormented him in his head, seemingly incapable of reacting to the gravity of the situation as what Cas had done put him out of his mind with fear.

In the span of a heartbeat, Dean made his choice. He had no choice.

He fell to his knees.

The crack of bone on hard tile was near agony. His gun clattered uselessly to the ground beside him as he shifted his gaze to land somewhere around the hem of Castiel’s coat. He couldn’t look at his face. Couldn’t meet his eyes. It was almost impossible to believe the terrifying figure before him was once his closest friend, and had saved him from Heaven and Hell alike before he had turned into whatever this was.

His throat was dry. He forced himself to swallow, drawing his tongue over his bottom lip as he tried to find the right words.

Bobby started to kneel, too. Survival instincts, probably. He’d have never gotten this old without them, anyway.

“My lord,” he began hesitantly.

The new God waved his hand dismissively at the title. “Castiel.”

“Castiel,” Dean corrected himself. Great start, you fuck up. “Cas, I swore my obedience to Heaven, once. To God, and his angels. To you,” his voice cracked as he risked a glance at the former angel. His eyes were like fire. Glowing. Unreal.

Bobby interrupted: “Dean, no-”

But Castiel snapped up a hand, palm out, and Bobby’s mouth moved, but no sound came out. “You will be silent,” Castiel ordered, his eyes never leaving Dean. He looked intrigued by Dean’s sudden compliance and admission. “I’d like to hear what you have to say, Dean. What can you possibly say to justify your lack of faith in me up until now? I could have cast you back into the pit, and Sam, too, had I not done this, all of it, for you.”

“I know you did, Cas,” Dean said. “Thank you. I- thank you. You were right, about everything, and I should have listened to you. I was wrong. I should have trusted you.” The words tasted like poison in his mouth. A part of him meant it. A part of him was just desperate enough to say anything. The rest of him wanted to see the cold monster in front of him dead. But how could he turn back now, without sentencing them all to death? If he played his cards right, he might even be able to save Castiel. Surely if he could get him to let go of those souls, he’d start to see reason, would be Cas again. But he was getting ahead of himself. Gotta think a little more short-term, right now. Band-aids and duct tape, not trauma surgery.

“I was blind,” Dean said, “and proud. I took you for granted, and I can do better. Be better. For- for you.”

He had never felt so weak. Groveling to his dad was different. He was his dad’s son, sure, but there was no love there. It was all survival, clinical, even his rage and his fists when Dean didn’t do enough to earn his mercy were detached. Duty and discipline and disappointment. This was different. It was hot with near-tears, messy and filled with grief for a man who wasn’t even dead. He wasn’t lying earlier when he told Cas he was like a brother to him. It was the closest comparison he had for what the angel was to his heart. He had never needed anyone like he needed Castiel- because he wasn’t Sammy, or Bobby, or Lisa, or Ben, or Cassie, or any other category of need. He was just Cas. And Dean wanted him in his life. Or he used to, anyway.

“I don’t know what I can do to make it right between us, Cas,” he said, his throat tightening slightly. “But I want to,” Dean offered, looking down in shame. “I want to be-” he choked out.

“What do you want, Dean?” Castiel asked, taking another step forward, the very picture of authority and control. One more step and Dean could reach out and touch him. The air was electric, heady with power as it positively radiated from his body.

He lifted his head to meet Castiel’s eyes in a pose of supplication, his knees aching, his eyes burning with tears as the situation started to overwhelm him. “I want to be forgiven,” he gasped out. “Cas, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive us.”

“And Sam’s betrayal?” Castiel inquired, casting new fear into Dean’s heart. “He stabbed me in the back. And he has not knelt as you have. Why should I offer him mercy?” he mused.

“Look at him, Cas,” Dean said quietly. Sam was hunched over on the floor in the corner, holding his head in his hands, rocking slightly into the wall and pushing off of it again in a strange repetitive motion. “He can’t follow any of this. I don’t think he even knows where we are. It’s been getting worse as time passes. He was slightly more coherent an hour ago, but-” Dean shook his head. “I think he was just trying to protect me. I don’t think he even knew who you were, just- saw a threat and tried to take it out.”

Cas made a noncommittal little noise, glancing over to where Sam had retreated.

“Cas,” Dean said, drawing his attention back to himself. “He didn’t know what he was doing. Can you try to forgive him that?” he pleaded as the first tear escaped and ran down his cheek.

“And in return?”

“Anything,” Dean swore. “Just- Cas, please. I’ll do anything. I will, I swear it. Just please help Sammy.”

“It won’t be as easy as you think,” Castiel warned. “I want your trust, Dean. I want the bond we once had, and your submission to my better judgement, untainted by your... fear.” His voice turned hungry, reminiscent of when they worked that killer Cupid case last year and it turned out to be Famine. To be on the receiving end of desire of that magnitude was by turns exhilarating and horrifying. “I want your love.”

“Cas,” Dean said faintly, unable to tear his eyes away from his friend’s face even as Bobby attempted to fight his holy gag order from his place next to him. “I… I’ll try. For you,” he added, trying to add a note or resolve to his voice as his thoughts roared in fear and grappled with the idea, stuck on the precipice of this terrible new unknown he had run up against. But he truly had no choice. Sink or swim.

“I swear, Cas,” he said, raising his hand to his heart, “I’ll try.”

Castiel’s eyes softened. They stopped glowing.

Suddenly, for a moment, he looked just like himself. More than that, he looked heartbreakingly human.

He moved suddenly, sending Dean’s heart sprinting again for what felt like the hundredth time that day.

But he didn’t hurt him. He didn’t hurt Sam, or smite Bobby, or engage in any sort of holy wrath. He just kneeled, in front of Dean, and clasped his clammy hands briefly in his own warm, dry ones before shifting them both to his right hand and raising his right palm to Dean’s cheek, his eyes darting over his features with an air of disbelieving gratitude. It was so...

Castiel had lovely hands, Dean noticed. Strong, soft, and broad, with a gentle grip and long, agile fingers. So different from Dean’s own hands, already scarred from the last few years of wear and tear since his resurrection. Of course, he’d noticed before. Noticed that sort of thing about Castiel, how he used his hands to fight, to pray, to eat and to comfort, how they looked drenched in blood and how they looked at rest. How they looked striking a blow to his own face, and how they looked when he healed him. They were one of a million things Dean knew about him better than he knew himself.

“Oh, Dean,” he said softly, “That’s all I ask of you. Just try. Lift up your heart to me, and I will give you everything.”

Dean inhaled sharply, his chest tight as he leaned into the touch. "It's yours," he breathed out, "It's all yours, Cas."

Castiel smiled, and the world fell away.

Tagging in some people who I think might be interested, just dm me to be added or removed: @castieljew @dependsupon @autisticandroids @sunforgrace @heller-jensen @lateral-org @cactuscas @adhdeancas @icaruscastiel @holmesemrys @evermorecastiel @yana125 @faithcastiel @good-things-do-happen-dean @i-sing-for-me @whatevr-4evr @sonder-stars @jeanne-de-valois

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waywardnerd67 · 4 years ago

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This One’s For You

Title: This One’s For You Summary: Dating the world’s number one rockstar takes its toll on (Y/N), but in the end he always makes it worth it. Pairing: Jensen x Reader Rating: E - Everyone Warnings: Angst/Fluff Word Count: 1612 Squared Filled: Rockstar AU Bingo Card: @spnaubingo A/N: Song featured: “Off My Mind” by Radio Company

Check Out: SPN AU Bingo Masterlist

He was late.

Over the last five years, (Y/N) was used to her boyfriend being late, missing dates or unable to attend functions. That was the life of a rockstar and she knew what she had signed up for when agreeing to go out with him so long ago. Tonight, however, was the one night he had promised not to be late too. They spent months arranging his schedule so there was no tour dates or studio time ensuring he would be available to be here.

“I promise I will not be late babe. It’s just a meeting with my manager.”

Famous last words.

Looking to the doors once more as the speaker stood at the podium giving their speech. The speech that was all about her, her accomplishments for the year and why they were honoring her tonight. (Y/N)’s heart sank when her phone lit up on the table in front of her.

OMW

She stared down at the text for a moment then glanced over to the empty seat beside her. The overwhelming weight of despair vanished as the fiery rage consumed her soul. She had always been patient, understanding, forgiving when it came to his career. Tonight that ended as the final line in the sand was drawn.

“It is my honor and privilege to present the Teacher of the Year award to Miss (Y/N) (Y/L/N)!”

She pushed the corner of her lips up into a wide smile and made her way up to the stage. Her Superintendent and friend presented her with the small statue then stepping aside for her to speak. She took a moment to look out over the coward of people who had been her school family for twenty plus years. Their joyful faces and cheers blanketing in a cool calm as she took a deep breath.

“First I have to acknowledge the teacher who inspired me to become the teacher I am today…”

One Year Later

(Y/N) was watching the clock tick in slow motion just as her last class of Myth and Legends students were. The bell echoed throughout the quiet classrooms and halls releasing the tight tension bounding everyone as summer break officially began. Several of her students hugged her on their way out of her classroom. Cheers and laughter filled the halls as (Y/N) slumped down into her chair letting out a sigh of relief.

She still had a week to clean and organize her classroom before being off for two and half glorious months. Right now, she gathered her things and headed home before her celebratory night out with her best friends. The last year had been difficult and she was finally feeling back to her normal self once again.

Arriving home, (Y/N) poured herself a drink and made her way up to her bedroom. The blistering shower relaxed her strained muscles from her heavy school bags five days a week. Standing in her closet, she decided on her favorite olive blouse and best fitting jeans to wear out. Letting her natural hair down for the night, (Y/N) put the finishing touches of make-up on that she hardly ever used and admired her work in the full length mirror.

“Not red carpet ready but good enough.” She chuckled to herself finishing off her drink.

Her friends had been teasing her for weeks now about their surprise night out on the town. Good food and drinks were had at her favorite restaurant. Her group had been there to surround her in love and support since they were teenagers. Laughter and conversation came easily if not loudly with the more drinks they had.

The next stop was just a walk down the block to their favorite bar. The bartender already had a table and drinks set up for them near the center of the small stage. There was a current in the air as (Y/N) sat down making her fidgety.

“Isn’t there a band normally on Saturday nights?” she questioned.

Her best friend Meg nodded, “Yeah, but tonight is special.”

(Y/N)’s heart thumped louder in her ears, “What did you do?”

Before she could answer someone tapped on the microphone and a few notes from a guitar came through the speakers. Slowly, (Y/N) looked over to the stage and her heart shot up lodging into her throat.

“Just hear him out.” Meg whispered, taking a hold of her hand.

On the small stage in front of her sat the very man that haunted her dreams every night. His long, denim covered bowlegs holding his guitar as he strum a few notes from it. His broad shoulders and chest covered by a simple black t-shirt that revealed a couple of new tattoos on his large biceps. His chiseled jaw was covered by dark cooper beard and his normally short sandy brown hair fell a little longer towards his eyes. Just then the bright olive orbs looked up connecting with hers. Everything around them stopped for an instant fading to black. This was not a dream and he was truly here in front of her.

Jensen. Her Jensen.

“Hello everybody, I’m Jensen and I just want to thank y’all for having me tonight. I wanted to start the night off with a new song that was written for someone that means everything to me.”

His deep voice sent shivers down her body and (Y/N) squeezed Meg’s hand a little tighter. The slow, somber melody floated from the speakers and his haunting voice filled her ears as his eyes connected with her once more.

“All you gotta do is nothing Trade it all in for something new Blame it on the way we were put together While some remedy's forsaken you

Oh, and how do I get you off my mind With you back in my bed How do I get you off my mind Can't have you living in my head”

(Y/N) was entranced by his voice and lyrics. How was it that she was even of thought to him over the last year? The man who put everything in front of her now confessing in front of her, her friends and strangers that she had been on his mind the whole time.

“You can only stay awake so long While deciding what is true I lean in for a kiss upon your shoulder Realize it wouldn't do, not with you

So, how do I get you off my mind With you back in my bed How do I get you off my mind Can't have you living in my head”

The only time he ever looked away from her was when he closed his eyes. In those moments, the lyrics of the song would hit her like a tidal wave. He sang out the last note as the crowd in the bar began to clap. It was then (Y/N) realized she had tears streaming down her face. He launched into another song and suddenly the room was closing in on her.

“I need some air.” (Y/N) quickly got up making her way towards the door.

The cool night air pierced her heated skin and burned her lungs. Leaning against the brick wall, (Y/N) closed her eyes trying to keep herself together. She heard the door creak and the air around her charged. Being with the same person for so long, you don’t need to see or hear them to know they are nearby. She knew Jensen was there and her body froze.

“Why?” she asked just barely above a whisper, “Why are you here after all this time?”

His boots scratched across the sidewalk as he ran his fingers through his thick hair, “I quit the life. It has taken me this long to get all my affairs in order to get back to the life I wanted. To the woman I wanted.”

“What do you mean you quit the life? You quit touring for now or joined another band?” She shoved her hands into her pockets staring down at the ground between them.

She heard him sigh, “No I mean I quit. Everything. I left the band and let everyone go. The managers, the publicists, the record company, everything. It took gathering every bit of my net worth to break all the contracts in order to be out of the business for good.”

Her gaze snapped up to his, “You don’t play anymore? At all?”

“No. Tonight was the first gig I’ve played since the night you left. My life crumbled into pieces watching you walk out my door. All I have thought about is getting back to you.” His eyes shined from the streetlight above them.

“Jensen, I don’t…”

His arm moved with lightning speed reaching his hand behind her neck pulling her lips to his. Her hands pressed against his firm chest before sliding up over his shoulders and around his neck pulling him closer to her. This spot in his arms was the only place she ever felt truly at home. Their heavy breaths warmed the air between them as Jensen pulled away from her. His forehead resting on hers.

“All I want is you and me. We’ll take it one day at a time.” He pressed his full lips against her forehead.

Looking up at him, (Y/N) truly smiled for the first time since that fateful night. Loud cheering and applause erupted from the front of the bar as her friends and a few strangers stood there watched the whole scene unfold. Looking back to Jensen, she watched a brilliant and beautiful smile spread across his handsome face.

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brainrotmeta · 3 years ago

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re: "Dean Winchester and the study of death in ‘Supernatural’ season 13"

link

Misha Collins as Castiel in particular has been paraded around as an equal third alongside Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki in all the PR leading up to season 13.

this was the season Misha was demoted. I mean maybe the promo was true. I stopped watching SPN early season 12 (worst season ever? Yes!!!!) and caught up again after the finale. I think it's funny if they did all this promo for Collins while cutting his pay check and this is how fans describe it.

What’s the goal, if the tension for the fans isn’t actually about their investment in that character’s return? What is Supernatural trying to prove?

J2 need more timeoff and Misha is cheap. That was mean.

Dean’s most recent death isn’t quite a suicide in the traditional sense – it’s more like recklessly playing fast and loose on a day trip away from life with no guaranteed return ticket – but given that his actions are absolutely due to the culmination of his depression? From that angle, it also kind of is.

Not really. Depressed and reckless Dean is something that we've been seeing since season 2 and especially season 3. It's just that it's usually Sam that's the one dealing with it, and destiel shippers tend to be allergic to Sam because he's the floozy that gets in the way of Destiel.

What leads him to this point is the deepest and most well-sustained arc that Supernatural has ever offered about grief,

Season two is 22 episodes about grief.

I’m trying to recall a moment in Supernatural where we’ve actually seen such a truthful and prolonged aftermath to such a significant loss.

are you out of your fucking mind? S E A S O N T W O. Dean's recklessness! Sam's sudden turn around re: hunting? Sam's profound grief that he never got to say goodbye. Dean's guilt and horror at John's sacrifice and rage at the save him or kill him command. A plot summary of season two goes into Yellow Eyes and Sam's powers - but SPN season two is about what it feels like to survive the death of a loved one.

Yes, Sam and Dean have both canonically lived for months or years grieving the other, but that’s not a process we ever got to witness onscreen.

Don't Destiel shippers love season eight? Every single flashback with Sam and Amelia is about, among other things, Sam's profound grief over the loss of Dean. Dean's suicidal ideation is what leads Sam to take on the trails. Dean's anger and attacks on Sam lead to Sam's suicidal ideation. All of this is tied into how much they need each other and how much they fear losing each other.

[About season 7/the loss of Cas/Bobby/Sam's mental state]: That period was maybe the darkest emotional state, the steepest descent into unhealthy despair, that we ever saw from Dean before now

I don't like to think about the Mark of Cain, but.... I'm pretty sure Dean was in a darker state after Sam found out about Gadreel. It's also worth nothing that season seven is more concerned with the loss of Bobby than Castiel. His death haunts Dean more than Castiel's. There's, like, literal episodes dedicated to it.

This isn’t the loss of John, where his death both devastates Dean and removes a massive burden from his shoulders,

asdoirf3waodjfhsesodfs you owiafdjd tahuewi8fjd THAT'S THE OPPOISTE THING THAT HAPPENED. JOHN'S DEATH PUT MORE ON DEAN'S SHOULDERS THAN EVER BEFORE HOWWWWWWW

so what we end up with is a Dean with no belief that there’s any way to overcome this tragedy, and a Sam with a potentially delusional level of optimism.

what do i have to do in order to get Destiellers to leave Sam out of their silly analysis? Sam's hope was not delusional you asshat. He knows Lucifer, he knows there's a good chance he wouldn't kill Mary (not that that brings him much comfort). Dean mocking his hope in therapy was Dean lashing out, not an objective meter of reality.

He’s not dismissive, and he’s not unaffected, but he’s proactive, because Sam believes in miracles. More than that: he believes he deserves miracles.

what are you on. Sam knows that Jack can use his magical angel powers to cut through dimensions (because he already has) and that's PART of the reason he nurtured the kid. This isn't him hoping for a miracle. It's a potential solution to a problem. And, hey, Sam finds out he likes being a dad.

His bar for an ideal future is set much, much higher than Dean’s, because he truly believes that they can have, and that they deserve, more.

I mean he does. No one deserves Sam or Dean's life. But........,,., not really? An accurate read in Sam's ability to think he deserves anything good.

[on bad day at black rock] That episode always stands out to me as such a uniquely perfect portrayal of character because if that had happened to Dean, he would have been mostly fine.

I'm going to give season fifteen one (1) right for showcasing that's not true. Dean's heartburn, man. He hates it yessssss.

You know why? Because Dean expects the worst, he takes the hits as they come, he juggles problems and pleasures, drops balls and picks up new ones, never expects to keep them all in the air at the same time.

lest it be his Sammy. Then he needs to make deals with reapers and death to Fix That Right Now.

but I do know that the day Sam breaks, that he truly accepts that he is broken, that he is not going to get out of this with the solution he believes he’s owed, there will be a reckoning.

so I assume you watched the episode where Cas came back in season 7? That's a good time of Sam hitting rock bottom. He's exhausted and ready to die (though, of course, he uses what little strength he has to help a girl being haunted by her brother's ghost). Rock bottom of Sam in season 4 and 8 amounted to sacrificing himself. Look, Sam's dangerous. But I don't think he's overall more dangerous than Dean.

but the girl he was planning to spend the rest of his life with was killed not only in front of him but also because of him.

that's kind of victim blamey. I think we can blame Yellow Eyes and Lucifer. She's talking about rock bottom Sam in season one. Sam's a little cranky and fights with his family some. Very scary. Word will end.

The universe owes him, big time, and he knows it.

the fuck are you talking about. Sam doesn't think anyone owes him anything. Beyond, like, maybe not having literal god toy with is life for the lulz.

but Sam actually expects the universe to pay up, and pursues every opportunity that arises in order to fast-track that debt collection – it’s why he went along with the British Men of Letters, after all, it’s why he did the Demon Trials.

Sam takes the trails to make things better for Dean. He goes along with the BMoL because getting rid of all the monsters that eat people would make the world safer what you on natalie fisher.

And it’s why, within minutes of polite conversation, he’s testing the waters for Jack to help him out, open the portal to the other world in order to save Mary. .

Sam literally told Jack that if the kid couldn't help it didn't matter. The second he saw that Jack was being pushed too far, he pulled back. how are you dissing Sam when DEAN LITERALLY TOLD A CHILD OF ONE DAY OLD HE'D BE THE ONE TO KILL HIM WHAT ARE YOU ON.

asdfpaoiwe9rfaoidwaed this ladddddy

i'll be back with more of her nonsense i need to flush my brain

#that floozy sam #natalie fisher #anti destiel

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