#spn + grieving

[shallowseeker]

This 12x22 episode with the Bane twins is seriously heavy to revisit...

WOMAN: When your mother found me, and when I realized what she was, I offered to teach her. (Flashes of the woman coming into the cellar and talking to Tasha as she lays on the table.) I offered her my power. Flash of the woman talking into Tasha's ear. Of the woman carrying a heart. Of Tasha spitting in the woman's face as she rejected the woman's offer. Of the woman wiping her face and turning and leaving. WOMAN: But even dying, she was rude. So... I made her into one of my creatures. (Flash of the woman cutting out Tasha's heart while she screamed. Of the woman holding her heart.) That doll has all of your mother's memories. Image of her placing Tasha's heart into one of her dolls, and reciting a spell. The ring on her finger glows and the doll transforms into Tasha. WOMAN: It's her. Mostly. (She releases Dean and Max from the vision.) Just like the others. Rick, Andy – They do what I want, when I want. I'm old. I like things a certain way. (She seems quite pleased with the way she has arranged things for herself. She smiles at Max and Dean.) MAX: No. No! (He casts a spell at the woman, but it does nothing more that blow her hair back. Max is puzzled that the woman is still just standing there.) WOMAN: Nice try. If you kill me, well, then all of them just fall apart. (She starts to edge closer to Max as she speaks.) So here's the offer. You take my power. You take my burden, and my doll – your mother – will stay with you and your sister forever. Just one big happy family. (Max seems to be considering her offer.) DEAN: Max, no. Listen to me. Your mother is gone, okay? (The woman is not happy that Dean is talking.) It's awful and it sucks... but that's – Aah! (The woman snaps her fingers and Dean is in sudden pain. Max looks quickly at Dean and then back at the woman. She takes her ring off her finger.) WOMAN: So... do we have a deal? She seems quite pleased with the way she has arranged things for herself. She smiles at Max and Dean. MAX: No. No! (He casts a spell at the woman, but it does nothing more that blow her hair back.)

///

ALICIA: Mom! (The Tasha creature pulls out a knife and stabs Alicia through the stomach with it. She collapses with the knife still in her. Sam is horrified.)

///

The elderly woman is standing with the ring in her outstretched hand, staring at Max. WOMAN: Take it... and the deal is done. Max seems unable to make a decision. Dean tries to grab his gun. WOMAN: Take it. Max reaches out to take the ring. The woman looks gleeful at how things are going. Suddenly a shot rings out and the woman bleeding and stunned. Dean has managed to reach his gun and shot her with a witch killing bullet. WOMAN: Nice try. If you kill me, well, then all of them just fall apart. Take it.

///

(Max seems stunned that Dean shot the woman.) MAX: Why did you... (Max turns to Dean quickly as he manages to stand, before looking back at the woman on the floor.) DEAN: Max, listen to me. Hey, hey. I had to, okay? That deal wasn't with her. It was with a demon. You even touch that magic and you lose your soul. (Sam yells from the other room.) SAM: Dean! (Dean pats Max on the shoulder.) DEAN: Come on. (Dean leaves the room and heads back to Sam. Max stands there confused as Dean leaves.)

///

(Alicia is writhing in pain. Sam doesn't know what do to for her, but is trying to calm her down.) SAM: Don't fight. Don't – Shh, shh. Just take it easy okay? Take a breath. Shh. (Alicia takes a quick breath and then is still.) SAM: Alicia? (Dean walks into the room. Sam looks up at him and stands up.) SAM: She, uh.. (Max enters the room and sees his sister. He pauses before going to where she lays on the floor.) MAX: Alicia? What? Please. No, no, no. Hey. Hey. Hey! Please, no. No, no, no!

///

(Scene opens outside the boarding house. Max is standing by himself, as Sam and Dean approach him.) SAM: Hey, Max, um, this is, uh... Look, you – you're probably in shock right now, but it's gonna pass. DEAN: And then it's gonna hurt. MAX: I could've saved them... my mom. If I had just... taken Alicia seriously.

///

DEAN: Yeah. Yeah, he seemed super saved. You know, I was watching them, this loving family. The kind we should've had. And now just like that, it's gone.

12x20 Twigs & Twine & Tasha Banes

///

There's something to be said here about the resurrection of Mary, the reborn-hunters-as-dolls, and the whole Jack-taking-Chuck's-powers thing. I'm just not yet sure what words to use.

Other things:

A Twigs & Twine Doll is a creature fastened together with twigs and brought to life by placing a human heart in its chest cavity and reciting a spell.

I think of these meanings:

The phrase, "as the twig is bent, so is the tree inclined" = proverb = one's actions as an adult are dictated by behaviors learned in childhood.

The meaning of to twine around (someone or something); To encircle, wrap, or coil around someone or something. Like an ouroboros, perhaps?

[drulalovescas]

That time during the widower arc when Dean ate pb&j because it reminded him of Cas. No, really. He really did that. He missed Cas THAT MUCH.

[wigglebox]

Destiel Pride - Day 5; Cursed or not

[lambmotifz]

the penetration metaphor/motif surrounding dean’s character should be studied

[witha-boxofscraps]

So they really took Dean in the middle of grieving his father figure and dumped a teenager dressed in a cream jacket with dark buttons that rather resembles a familiar trench coat, who’s crying because she’s run away from home because they give her orders that she has to follow to do terrible things, that she just wants to be normal, that she’s a monster that doesn’t want to be and he lets her in immediately because that’s Sammy. She’s dressed like Cas and she makes Dean think of Sam when he was younger and she’s sent to kill him and she pleads “please don’t let him hurt me” and you can see Dean’s hesitation because family but she’s a freak but she’s family and then she’s shot in front of his eyes and there’s nothing he can do and there’s nothing he can do to change it and he doesn’t know if he would change it if he could but now he’ll never know.

[harmonizingsunsets]

"Sometimes we don't want to heal, Because the pain is the last link to what we have lost." - Vinita Singh

[valeron99]

The Loss.

[bisexualsdean]

me: *minding my business*

my memory, reminding me that this happened: suffer

[sufyonstevens]

Dean reacting emotionally to a soap opera scene of someone losing their lover to suicide. This is the episode immediately after Cas dies (kind of by suicide). Season 7 was the first widower arc.

[casdaughter]

[drulalovescas]

The widower arc was a FEVER DREAM. No, really, it was

[sweetonsugden]

This breaks my heart 😩

Ephram told Cass that he zeroed in on him because of his pain and anguish.

Castiel is in so much emotional pain that even his angel warding couldn’t hide him from Ephram.

[kerryweaverlesbian]

Jack au where he's a psychic who can commune with ghosts. Almost every major character from Supernatural is a ghost. Including Sam Dean and Cas. This would serve these major tennants of his relationships:

Isolated. The people Jack spends the majority of his time with are NOT part of the normal world. Sam, Dean, Cas and Mary live in a bunker and don't know how to be people. The AU hunters are literally from another world. His mom is dead. Kaia is split between realms. The only Real people he knows well are his young adult nerd friends and arguably Harper. You don't want 1/4 of your tie to reality to be a witch who wants to be Cheryl Blossom from Riverdale as her life's aspiration. That's no way to live!

Intangible. Because of Jack's immense power, he is, in a sense, untouchable. He is stopped when people hug him or push him or shoot him because he chooses to stop. There is a veil between him and them. There is also a scarcity of common ground. There is nothing else out there like him. Dean might stomp and bark and howl but, ultimately, what can he do to Jack physically? Nothing. The only power the ghosts have is emotional and social. Imagine being outcasted by the ghosts who can only see you and each other. Ouch!

Fleeting. Everyone he cares for is doomed to die. This happens even before he's born with Cas and Kelly and Mary, but also throughout his life. He both has long strings of tragedy in short periods AND he's immortal and worries about it. Loss and loniness are inevitable for him on a massive scale. Cas might claim that he'll be there with him but he dies like twice a year at least. Picture ghost!Cas midway through a reassuring speech that he's always going to be there with him fading out into the veil mid-sentence.

Guilt-ridden. Life is wasted on the living, isn't it? Youth is wasted on the young. He's got dozens of ghosts needing him to live in the way they want him to so they can feel alive again, and he's not capable of being that (literal) lifeline. He needs to learn how to say no and stick to it. He needs to learn how to live with the fact that he has to disappoint people to live well sometimes. He has to engage with the living, because the dead are going to kill him if he hangs on to them too long.

So if someone could write this devestating yet beautiful 25k+ fic for me that'd be really swell.

[blabbalubdubdub]

Somebody rec me supernatural fics so I can drown myself properly in all the destiel grief I am currently feeling 😭😭😭

[shallowseeker]

Dean’s grief on speedrun

How long was Cas dead, anyway?

I think they reunited around day 18-24 days ish. The scripts give us some clues. (Based on this post)

==Dean is grieving hard==

He’s not in denial, like Sam seems to be -> “Is he really dead?” “You know he is.”

And because Dean now knows Chuck & Amara, he’s not getting stuck in bargaining stage (his usual MO). There is no door of hope to leave ajar after the cosmic consequences are rendered. (Not even the symbolic going-through-the-motions kind that he never intends to open again.)

No, this time, Dean’s in the throes of an incredibly frightening, paralyzing despair (images).

This is partially due to the fact that he saw it coming, and he fought so hard. He resolved to avoid the looming, cosmic consequences, to “not let Cas walk away, not again (script).” Dean made up his mind to act to protect the, “everything he’s ever wanted (script).”

And still, everything went so wrong.

///

The grief, then, is different. It’s a despair born of crushed hopes and dreams. Not to mention, forgiveness and acceptance—as Dean got onboard to help Cas, regardless of his own misgivings, because Cas “had faith in the kid.” This time, he stood behind Cas when he asked, and it still went rotten.

After everyone dies, Dean pleads with God/Chuck. Chuck is the one who brought Cas back before and the only one who seems able to rebuild angels. He doesn’t answer.

Even though Dean had a special connection to Amara, the one who resurrected his burned-up, supposed-to-stay-dead mother, she doesn’t answer either.

This time, he knows they’re out there, perhaps even listening. And they’re not answering because Dean’s run out of free passes and miracles.

This time, that knowledge crushes him where he stands.

///

DAY 1-2 (Lost and Found)

13x01 starts in the twilight hours after the big Lucifer fight.

Dean takes a shot at Jack, and Jack flees.

Heaven and Hell hunt them relentlessly.

They retrieve Jack from North Cove police station.

An angel stabs Jack in the chest with an angel blade, and he seems astonished to be “fine.”

Sam and Dean take time to grieve and scatter ashes.

The funeral occurs that evening, and they quickly get on the road.

///

DAY 3 ish (The Rising Son)

In 13x02, they're still driving home from the funeral towards the bunker, "12 hours till we get home," and Sam convinces Dean to stop at a motel.

Addition: When they eat, Jack remarks that he's 3 days old. "3 days, 17 hours, and 42 minutes."

Over the course of this episode, per the script, 2 days pass.

They eat dinner, go to a tattoo parlor, meet up with Donatello, and stay overnight in the motel.

Heaven and Hell continue to hunt them relentlessly.

Sam, Dean, and Donatello debate nature vs nurture, with Dean and Donatello leaning towards nature.

Sam psycho-analyzes Dean and delivers euphemisms to Jack about Dean “wanting to protect everyone and getting his wires crossed,” but ultimately, he isn’t forthcoming to Jack about the reality of the situation. (That is, it was Lucifer that killed Cas, and Lucifer who pulled Mary into another world--that Dean's grieving!) These important details might've helped Jack to understand his situation with a lot more clarity and grace. This will cause Jack to cool towards Sam when Dean reveals the truth during an argument.

Demons find them the next morning.

In fact, Dean nearly dies against a common demon, getting cornered on a hotel bed, but he is saved at the last minute by Sam’s interference.

Jack, tricked by Asmodeus, nearly releases the Shadim.

They drive home.

Later, Jack freaks out about being impervious to stabbing. In his new bunker room, he laments, “What the hell am I? I can’t control… whatever this is. I will hurt someone.”

Dean tells him he will be Jack's executioner if Jack loses control.

At most, it's been only 5 days since everyone died.

///

DAY 5 ish (Patience)

13x03 picks up mere hours after they get home, and it covers 5 days total. So, that brings us to a decently solid total of 10-ish days when this episode finishes.

Dean can't bear to be in the bunker with mission-mode Sam and Jack, so he takes off on a hunt.

Clearly in no shape to hunt, Dean dies at the hands of a wraith (and so does Jody). They are both saved by Patience’s interference.

Dean tells Patience there’s no joy in this life. Only pain and death.

Sam and Dean have a huge fight about Jack, during which Dean accidentally gives Jack context to the situation (re: Cas’s death, Mary’s plight). This causes Jack, already exhausted by Sam’s well-meaning training regimen, to cool towards Sam the next morning.

Cas appears to awaken in The Empty on day 9 or 10.

///

DAY 10-11 ish (The Big Empty)

13x04 SEEMS like the very next morning, because Dean AND Jack are both still chilly towards Sam. The air is described as arctic, with Dean giving Sam a, "don't even try it, motherfucker," face. Jack accuses Sam of wanting to use him as an interdimensional can opener and "being just like Asmodeus," and Sam comes clean about the truth.

Sam pushes them all to go on a case together. Jack says he doesn’t want to go at first. Sam wants Jack to go with them for the express purpose of forcing Dean to be around him and warm up to him, which isn’t fair to Dean or Jack…not really.

This storyline covers the family therapy scene (great analysis), wherein an interesting attempt at therapy is made under dishonest constraints.

Dean, still clearly in no shape to hunt, is easily overtaken by the shifter and nearly dies. He is saved by Jack’s interference.

According to the script, 13x04 occurs over 4 days. Commentary//

That means that Dean thawed to Jack, after our total of a mere 14 days. By the end of this episode, they're on shaky terms, and by the beginning of 13x06, calling out to each other in a friendly manner, "How was the case?"

Jack "puts a dent in Dean's armor," per the script, even before he saves them with his powers. Dean is doing everything he can not to like Jack, and it’s clear from the script that he’s failing.

At the end of the episode, Dean tells Sam to absorb the weight of the hunting burden, because he’s got no hope left.

Cas appears to awaken in a field on day 14. Presumably, his ashes are in the middle of nowhere, and he starts walking.

///

DAY 14-20 ish? (Advanced Thanatology)

Here’s where it gets foggier.

I can't tell exactly when 13x05 picks up with respect to the previous episode, but it seems like only a little bit of time has passed.

I would say a week at most has passed, but possibly as little as a day or two, and the case itself, per the script, covers another 4 days.

However, if Cas awoke in The Empty on day 10, and woke in the field around day 14, I think I favor a shorter timeline here with some of the “days” being overlapping back story from the case itself.

Anyway, Jack has been making his way through Sam's DVDs, "Red Sonja, Beast Master, Beast Master II." Commentary//

Sam does not intuit why Dean is up late at night/early twilight hours, making a PB & J (analysis).

Sam tries to remedy Dean’s overwhelming grief by pushing breakfast beer and strip clubs toward him. Alcohol to numb the pain + sexy stuff as a distraction. Now more than ever, Dean seems to perform those only for Sam’s benefit. (It seems Sam did not pay attention to Mia Vallens's therapy, except as a means to validate his own motives for trying to save Mary. Ouch! Poor Sam!)

Sam is not great with empathy here, bless my neurodivergent man-child. He’s dealing with a loss of his own, of course, and he’s been shown to be an impatient, mission-motivated griever (analysis).

Anyway, he’s completely at sea with Dean’s powerful grief, and he seems tragically unaware of Dean's close calls/being off his game over the course of the last few hunts.

Sam, perhaps understandably, wants Dean to be there for him n’ Jack, as caretaker and comrade, but Dean is too mentally wounded to bear the weight of that expectation. (Btw, I don’t think Sam really “gets” the Cas thing till 15x09 The Trap: Sam’s future is symbolized by Eileen-as-hope (analysis) and Sam realizes Dean’s future is built around Cas-as-foundation.) Dean dies...again//

Dean attempts suicide.

He tells Billie he doesn’t matter.

After he revives, Dean tells Sam, “No. Sam, I’m not okay. I’m pretty far from okay… And I would take the hit… And now Mom and Cas… And I – I don’t know. I don’t know.”

This is an elegant parallel to season 7’s grieving Dean, about his not being able to “shake” what happened with Cas, and admitting, “he doesn’t know why.” (Cas is different. Cas has always been different.) In season 7, he also says, “I’ll do what I can,” in response to Sam telling him to get his head in the game and stay alive. Cas is a core wound in both scenarios.

///

==Death & resurrection==

So, that would bring our guesstimate to Cas reuniting with the boys around 20-24 days. So, at most a little over 3 weeks but possibly closer to 4, especially if the backstory timelines of actual “case days” overlap, like 13x05 potentially does.

I am reasonably certain Cas awakened in the field near day 14. I’d personally put the actual reunion at 18-20 ish days, and certainly not longer than a month. They reunite in early June, I think. Blackberries are a summer fruit, and there are wild blackberries in the field where Cas awakens.

Dean drives to Cas and meets up with him, "in the middle of nowhere," so it seems Cas's grave and subsequent walk to civilization was in quite a remote area.

///

Going back through this, I was pretty astounded how Dean kept dying or nearly dying in those days following Cas’s death. He was definitely in no state to be hunting.

(images from CSN, SPN wiki, fangirlism.com)

[wormieapple]

i think a lot of y deans progression from being miserable to the point of recklessness and self sacrifice in the face of loss to being kind of bummed that cas is dead in the finale feels so unrealistic and out of character is that we don’t see him struggling.

dean takes loss very hard, especially when he losses cas. we’ve seen it time and time again so it feels extremely out of character for him to say that he’s more or less fine and trying to honour the sacrifices of the people he cares about. but the thing is is that it wouldn’t feel out of character if we saw him struggling to accept it and coming to a place of acceptance in the face of cas’ confession. cause we see that the confession is pivotal to deans character arc in s15 even if they basically refused to acknowledge it. besides how poorly the aftermath of that was handled in terms of queer representation it also makes deans character arc feel stilted and like he just doesn’t really care abt cas anymore.

we needed to see him grieve and struggle and be in denial to have him reaching a place of acceptance and living in honour the sacrifices of the people he cares abt, cause otherwise we’d get what we got and feel off put by it. what we needed to have happen was seeing dean grieving by himself in the face of it all and trying to blame himself and doing something that helps him think of cas and his confession like grabbing at his shoulder and trying to calm down. we needed to see him start to get angry and calm himself down before lashing out cause that’s not who he is, cas believed in him and that’s not who he wants to be. we needed to see him talk about what happened with/to jack and beg him to bring cas back, try to bring cas back because we can’t leave him there, only to find nothing and get no answers. just left with no chips to bargain and only the ability to honour his loss and be who cas knew he could be.

but dean couldn’t struggle because then they’d have to acknowledge the confession and deans feelings abt it. so instead we got an uncaring, unfeeling 180 for dean and then he dies.