#spent weeks crying myself to sleep and pulling myself out of hate spirals this semester because I refused to let my anger get the best of me

[megagrind]

“I know your mad at them but you should be the bigger person and take the high ground” no thanks actually, I think we as a society should cut the whole bigger person bullshit and start giving into those toxic temptations. Make that passive aggressive comment. Get your petty revenge. “Oh it won’t make you feel better/it won’t help the situation” wrong actually! Time might heal all wounds but not as fast as being a bitch will :)

[fanficsandfluff]

Supernatural: College

Okay, so an anon requested I write a Sastiel College AU fanfiction with no other context. Of course, I figured oh she wants to see Sam and Cas in a cute relationship, probably being roommates or being in the same classes and having tickle fights and whatnot. Alright, fine, I think it’s cute too so I agree.

But then I started thinking.... there was no specific requirement for me and this fic from said anon. I have the artistic liberty to take this information and write with it what I will. And so given this blank canvas of a college au, I applied it to my own current college experience. 

I need to get my feelings out somehow and making Castiel into myself seemed like a wonderful way to do it. I’m a freshman in college, I just finished my first semester and I’m in my second. I hate it. I have no friends. I am a depressed piece of shit. So now that you have this backstory, keep in mind that everything you read Castiel going through is almost exactly what I am going through. 

There is no cutesy tickle fights, no teasing, nothing like that. It’s just Castiel and his thoughts and experiences. 

College was..... not all it was cracked up to be. Castiel went through high school hearing these grandiose pictures painted of how great college was and how it'll be so amazing to finally leave high school and 'discover who you are.' But to this one student, he never saw it as that great. He applied to college since that's what you do in high school, always keeping his grades up and pretty well above average for the most part. He had friends, was involved in clubs and other activities. He loved high school, and he knew he was going to a college none of his friends were going to. He'd be leaving them, leaving his family, too. It was going to be a change he wasn't sure he was ready for. But with some family help moving into his new dorm, he pushed open the ajar door and saw another mother and father with their son, who was his new roommate. "Hey," the young man smiled, "Are you Castiel?" The young man nodded, "Yes, hi. You're Sam, then." Sam nodded and smiled wide, going to shake Castiel's hand, but he saw him holding a big box. He laughed and said, "Wehe'll shake hands after you've settled in." Castiel nodded, smiling pleasantly at Sam. His parents and even Sam and his family helped Cas set up himself in the small dorm room. He saw his parents making small talk with Sam's, and everyone seemed like pleasant people. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. After a long day's work of orientation and saying goodbye to families, all the freshman students settled into their new lives as residents of a college campus. "Whew," Sam flopped down onto his bed as he and Castiel were now alone, "Whahat a day, huh?" Castiel nodded, "Yes." "Where did you say you were from?" "I didn't, but I'm from Massachusetts. You?" "Kansas," Sam smiled. He sure did seem to do that a lot. "Wow, so you really are far from home, then. How'd you decide on this school?" "They have a great sports program. I play volleyball," Sam said. "Oh," Castiel nodded, "Yes, you have the, uh... build for it." Sam laughed, "Thahahahanks. What about you?" "I'm here because I got a decent scholarship and I found the campus appealing." "Yeah, I can see why you chose it. Those are good reasons. You're not into sports?" Castiel shook his head, "Not in the least bit." "Ah, thahat's okay. What's your major again?" "English." "Oh cool, I'm in the Law school here." Castiel nodded, "Oh, very nice," he was never good at small talk, so this whole conversation was practically causing him physical pain. And so the two went through the process of discussing what classes they were taking and other 'fun facts' about the other. After a few days of freshman orientation, which proceeded by at the painstaking pace of molasses, the classes began. The first day was always an introduction, going over the syllabus and the necessary books needed for each class. For Castiel, most of his classes were English-based obviously so he had a large number of novels and plays to purchase. Fun for any broke college student. And so far, Castiel hadn't really found his group yet. During orientation, he would see people exchanging numbers and they started to go out to eat together and do other activities with one another. Maybe it was because Castiel never extended himself out to people, or some other unlikeable factor about himself, but he simply had not clicked. He hoped with the start of classes that he would make a friend. No such luck after the first day. How odd this feeling was. He was a likable person, he knew he had to be. Otherwise, he wouldn't still have good friends from grade school that he remained friends with throughout high school, even when they went to separate ones. He wouldn't have graduated his high school with a tremendous set of friends and acquaintances. College was different. He would come to learn that. What probably did not help his friendless situation was his reluctance to participate in any adventures his dorm building went on with his Residential Assistant. They offered trips to local museums, and offered food in the lounges most nights, obviously all laying in place so residents could get to know their neighbors. Castiel hadn't gone to one. Sam walked into the dorm room on a night the lounge was hosting a dorm building Q&A Taco Night and he grabbed his keys and ID card, "Hey, Castiel. Are you going to the meeting?" Castiel looked over from his bed and he shook his head, "I don't think so." "Oh," Sam nodded, "Alright. Me and a few other guys are heading down there. Find me if you change your mind, okay?" he smiled kindly and left again. When the door shut behind Sam, Castiel let out a sigh. Dammit. If he had just gotten off his suddenly shy ass and said yes to Sam, he could've gotten the in he needed. As the night drew on, the light from outside dimmed and Castiel remained on his laptop. He watched videos, went on his blogs, and wrote for chat rooms, all things he normally did on the Internet. But midway through a YouTube tutorial video, he felt a pain in his chest. Throughout all the previous nights, he had been checking his Snapchat and Instagram. And he had been witnessing all of his friends scattered in different schools and states all at parties or hanging with a group of friends and seemingly having an amazing time; just like college was supposed to be! Right? Tears welled up in Castiel's eyes and he couldn't help it. He just felt so goddamn lonely. It was a pit in his stomach that surged and made him feel sick. He cried, laying down in his bed and holding a tissue to his face. How could everyone else he knew have made friends in an instant? It had barely been a week! How the fuck did everyone do it and master it so well!? Even the roommate hope of a friend had started to fleet by him. Sam was working on tryouts for the volleyball team and had already formed bonds with other players. He cried throughout the night in his quiet dorm room, hearing the occasional chatter from out in the hallways or outside of the building itself. Sam had not returned, even when Castiel had stopped crying. The freshman simply got dressed for bed and a pretty embarrassing time of night and he pulled the covers up over him and fell into a greatly appreciated sleep, where he wouldn't feel judged or pressured for being alone in his own dreaming mind. The first Friday night of the college year finally arrived. New friends went to parties or galas being held by the college, or went elsewhere to have their night of fun. Castiel watched Sam get dressed up, not speaking a word to him, and then the other man left the dorm room to probably have a kickass fun night. Castiel remained in a message group on his laptop with his friends from middle school, each exchanging their experiences so far, classes they hate, friends they've made, etc. It comforted him to hear that one other friend wasn't having such luck in college in terms of making friends yet either. However, he would check her Snapchat story and see her taking pictures with other students. Surely they were considered friends. Meanwhile Castiel had barely even opened his mouth to speak to anyone on his campus at all. It was getting deafening when you couldn't even hear your own voice anymore because you had no one to talk to. There was no one else to talk to or converse with. No one you could speak your mind to and tell them exactly what you were feeling and why you were getting depressed and why couldn't anyone talk to me enough to ask me to lunch with them and why I can't meet people and make friends!? And from there it would spiral, and Castiel knew it was. He did his homework almost nightly, whenever he had it. It was all he had to keep him occupied, if you could call it that. A godsend arrived when the club fair came around. This was his chance to really get involved and get friends. He put his email down for all sorts of clubs and took fliers with their meeting times. He then went back to his dorm, filled with purpose. He further organized which meetings he could make and other he prioritized over others since a lot were occurring on the same nights. So he went around throughout the week attending club intro meetings and seeing which ones he liked the most. He settled on continuing to attend a book club. He knew he could piece in some time to read on the side, having done his homework on time always and of course with all the quiet time he spent with himself in his nearly always empty dorm room. And as other clubs fell out of interest, the book club remained strong. He thought maybe he could finally find happiness in the small group of upper, middle, and lower classmen and women. Still.... time passed. He would read his book club book, attend class, take notes and tests and essays, return to his dorm, do homework, attend a book club meeting, and repeat the cycle. Holy shit, nothing was changing. What was he doing wrong!? Not one fucking time had he had the courage to turn to a classmate or person in the bookclub and say, 'Gee golly, well this class/book is really interesting. I would sure love to maybe get breakfast in the dining hall sometime so we can discuss the class/book.' Sure, no one was talking to him or looking like they wanted to be his friend. But when he really thought about it... was he helping the matter? He had lost the balls to start a conversation and ask to hang out. Granted, that had never been his strong suit, but how did he come out of such a large high school with so many friends. Something had to click or he would literally be going insane. The library that Castiel had gone to once or twice to print things out was quickly becoming his new friend. Either that or the gym were his two new favorite spots. At the library, he could surround himself with both silence and books, one of which he needed more of and another, well.... he was getting used to by now. At the gym, he enjoyed the treadmill and other muscle-building machines. It would take his mind off the building mountains of classwork he had fallen behind on. And it would then get him focused so he could stay up later and work harder for his grades. A cycle. That's all his life had become. And nothing broke the cycle. There were no Fridays or weekends where he could explore the town around his campus with friends. There were no free times where he would find himself at a party and drink and dance the night away. Snapchats were constantly filled with friends building new lives with new friends. He knew he shouldn't be watching them anymore if they upset him so much, but at the same time, he wanted to keep up. He wanted to see how close these strangers were getting with the people he knew for four years and more. The only small bits of relief he got was when he called his mother on the phone on occasional mornings. He would be calling daily if his mother could handle talking to him that frequently. But he would tell her everything that was going on, all the complaints he had and all the longings he possessed that willed him to want to return home. Home where everything was safe and familiar and friendly. His mother would update him on things going on in her life, and the third time he spoke to her in the beginning he had started to break down on the phone just at her babbling on about her experience at the grocery store in his hometown. Details. Minute factions of a much larger picture. Those insignificant stories suddenly filled him with such longing and such joy that he had to cry. And college went on. He waited for Thanksgiving break, driving home and never wanting to leave. And then Christmas break came. Oh what a joyous break that was. A whole month of staying home, eating good food, seeing friends and having laughs and sharing memories. He was back on top of the world and dreaded the day he had to move back in. It was cold and raining, a perfect foreboding of his life back on campus. Small talk with Sam upon their arrival, nothing more. How was break? Good. Yeah, it was great being home with family for a while but I'm so happy to be back. Yeah. Back into the cycle Castiel went. New classes, new faces, new experiences. Right?