#specifically about my gender and how im an orphan too

[greaserink]

Longest. Day of my life. I am contemplating reaching HR of my work it was that long

[hubristicassholefight]

Swordswoman Showdown Semifinals

Hornet (Hollow Knight) vs Brienne of Tarth (A Song Of Ice and Fire)

(Better here in a "preferred character" sense, not "who would win in a fight")

Propaganda below cut

Hornet

Technically its not a sword but she wields a needle in a setting where swords do not exist and she wields it in an exceedingly swordlike fashion so. She counts; Girlboss demigoddess spider lady. She's been protecting an entire kingdom for longer than many of the other characters have been alive. She systematically kills her siblings for being too weak. She's simply the best.

#im pretty sure hornet can beat like. anyone in a fight.#have you ever fought hornet#its so fucking hard getting past her every time i play hk i go literally insane.

#i remember getting stuck on the first hornet fight on mt first play through and bring likr#''omg the boss fights in this are so hard!!!''#like what. you're not even half way through what are you talking about#you can't even DASH honey. you don't know what's diffcult or not in this game.

So, SPOILERS

but I feel like the "she systematically kills her siblings" part needs a little clarification. See, one of her siblings was used as a living prison for an angry god and that uh. Didn't work out for the sibling in question or anyone else.

This account is itself heavily abbreviated but it's likely that any other sibling Hornet encounters will be trying to take over as the god's new prison. She appears to challenge any sibling she sees to battle, in order to test their resolve against herself and her needle - would they actually have a chance against that god?

We never actually see her kill any siblings, but she does quite pointedly tell one of them that (to paraphrase) "My needle is lethal and I would feel no sadness in a weakling's demise."

Feels like a relevant quote. In any case, if they can't beat Hornet, it seems like her needle would be a far more merciful end than what the god would grant.

Anyway, a bit of additional material for @swordswomanshowdown :

As is the case for any cool swordswoman, it's not just her sword that's lethal, it's her with it. And Hornet's needle was custom made for her - the creators have said that, while other needles exist, hers was made specifically for her to wield, and its construction allows her to use her spider silk better in combat.

And another thing that I think makes her a good swordswoman: she's actually pretty thoughtful about how she uses it. There's a least one instance where she tries to warn someone off before fighting them! At the same time, when she does fight, she seems to enjoy it - during her boss battles, you can hear her laugh sometimes, as if exhiliarated. She's really got it all, as a swordswoman!!!

#HORNET SWEEP CMON PLEEEEEEASE#shes gay. shes the only sibling with a gender. shes a spider named HORNET. look like croissant. whats not to like

Brienne

Brienne

gets gifted a sword made with the rarest metal ever because she’s THAT good; she’s simply the best

Brienne is one of the top sword users alive in her day. She's descended from a man who's catchphrase was "I'm better with a sword." Better than what? You. Jaime Lannister. Loras Tyrell. Any five given guys at once. She has a fantastic sword that might be magic or cursed and is named Oathkeeper because that's what she does; I love her

Beat like 20 guys in a tournament when she was 19. Was given a magic sword. Won a sword fight against the premier swordsman in the realm. Very swordly; Very tall and strong. Holds her sword in high esteem. Accomplished with other weapons as well!

She's defeated multiple of the top knights in the series in duels. One such knight gifts her the fabergé egg of swords and she uses it to defend orphans and stuff. Got out of a bad betrothal by dueling him and beating his ass so bad she broke multiple bones. Honestly there's so much more she is the swordswoman of all time. to me; She's buff and ugly and 6' 5" and so honorable and kind that she inspires the guy who fucks his sister to yknow. stop doing that. literally gets mauled for the sake of protecting a bunch of orphans (with her sword). also she's 20 she should be at the club ‼️

One of the best sword wielders in Westeros, the author says he would pick her to defend him. Has a cool sword called Oathkeeper. Manages to go up against 7 fighters and take out most of them,. The only true knight; First off, talking about book brienne, they massacred show brienne, the show runners simply didn’t understand what she’s about.“ She had no chance against seven, she knew. No chance, and no choice” brienne had plenty of choice but she couldn’t leave people to die. The chivalric paradigm is rotten and corrupted, but here is Brienne, the one true knight, who isn’t even a actual knight! “knights are for killing”, but here is a knight who risks her life again and again to protect innocents! Bri IS hope, she is the light in the dark that shows that things can be better, things must be better. Fundamentally an idealist: “Winter will never come for the likes of us. Should we die in battle, they will surely sing of us, and it's always summer in the songs. In the songs all knights are gallant, all maids are beautiful, and the sun is always shining”

#BRIENNE WON A MELEE WHEN SHE WAS 19 !!!!!#DONT LET HER LOSE

#MORE LOVE FOR BRIENNE#SHE FOUGHT A DAMN BEAR WITH A WOODEN SWORD#SHE AVENGED A MAN UNJUSTLY MAIMED#SHE PROTECTED CHILDREN AGAINST SEVEN MEN#NO CHANCE AND NO CHOICE

I'm going to put some propaganda for Brienne, because she deserves the world.

Some people have been quoting the "no chance, no choice" in the tags, but for those that don't know it comes from this scene:

...she could hear the faint clink of swords and mail from beneath their ragged cloaks. She counted them as they came. Two, four, six, seven. (...) Brienne sucked in her breath and drew Oathkeeper. Too many, she thought, with a start of fear, they are too many.(...) Brienne tried to keep the fear from her voice, but her mouth was dry as dust. The children, she thought. The door to the inn banged open. Willow stepped out into the rain, a crossbow in her hands. The girl was shouting at the riders, but a clap of thunder rolled across the yard, drowning out her words. As it faded, Brienne heard the man in the Hound’s helm say, “Loose a quarrel at me and I’ll shove that crossbow up your cunt and fuck you with it. Then I’ll pop your fucking eyes out and make you eat them.” The fury in the man’s voice drove Willow back a step, trembling. Seven, Brienne thought again, despairing. She had no chance against seven, she knew. No chance, and no choice. She stepped out into the rain, Oathkeeper in hand. “Leave her be. If you want to rape someone, try me.”

This is basically one of the most badass and awesome moments of the series... because here, Brienne is not guarding a King, vanquishing a great Evil Lord, or fighting a big glorious battle... this is an inn full of orphans being attacked by raiders, children whose lives really don't matter in the great scheme of things. If they were all to be killed, nobody powerful would really care, no history book would write their names.

The logical thing is to run away from there as fast as she could. And yet, Brienne decides to enter an unwinnable nightmarish battle (one where she gets her arm broken and her face eaten) because is the right thing to do. She is a true knight.

Because, in the dark pseudo-medieval world of Westeros, where the patriarchal martial system reigns supreme, there is no space for someone like Brienne, she herself said it best:

"You have a noble father who must surely love you. (...) I know he would tell you that he would sooner have a living daughter than a shattered shield." "A daughter." Brienne's eyes filled with tears. "He deserves that. A daughter who could sing to him and grace his hall and bear him grandsons. He deserves a son too, a strong and gallant son to bring honor to his name. (...) I am the only child the gods let him keep. The freakish one, not fit to be a son or daughter."

And yet, despite being on the fringe of this society that doesn't accept nonconforming gender expression, despite not being able to be named knight, Brienne is still the embodiment of the ideal of knighthood. She is a true hero, who over and over decides to defend the innocents and do the right thing.

So yeah, my conclusion here is... I think she and kiku should kiss <3

[sagemoderocklee]

Reiteration ❤️ A (but not GaaLee :p) P T

A - Your current OTP(s)/OT3(s)/OTX(s)

oof. okay so aside from GaaLee:

1) ShikaTema 2) NejiTen 3) Kakagai

i think these are the only like three ships i could say i feel strongly enough about that i’d classify them as OTPs. GaaLee honestly gets its own category anyways. im not really active in any other fandoms, and the only other ship I’ve ever felt as strongly about as i have gaalee was really Harry/Draco and well... ya know. Although if i were still super active in CLAMP fandom KuroFai and DouWata would 100000% be up there. And of course the forever and unbeatable Sakura/Shaoran but specifically CCS SakuShao because I think TRC isn’t quite as good with their romance

P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas)

oh. that’s. okay we’re answering hard questions tonight i see.

something niche for you and me: new member of your MLM/communist/leftist reading group is Very Cute but very new to MLM/etc and needs extra help to understand the complicated history, theories, etc.

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending, about anything at all (gender identity, sexual or romantic orientation, extended family, sexual preferences like top/bottom/switch, relationship with poetry, seriously anything).

oh god. this is really opening a can of worms lmao and also.... i may have to put this under a cut because god i have so fucking many and some of them may need elaboration.

1. Gaara doesn’t ever take up sleeping/napping post Shukaku

this is something that I know a lot of ppl don’t like/want because everyone wants Gaara to be happy and like big same! but i do think that Gaara’s physiology is entirely altered from Shukaku and the lack of sleep. I feel like having it ingrained in him that he couldn’t sleep, knowing the devastation it would cause, plus all the trauma he has--he’d be plagued by nightmares first of all, and no shinobi is gonna wanna take a sleep aid or something to help them sleep more easily because that would just be a huge opening for someone to attack you. but the other thing is i think it would genuinely make him feel sick. like i know that when i get too little sleep i feel sick because my body needs a certain amount. BUT i also know that those days where im too depressed and don’t get out of bed and sleep too much i ALSO feel like shit. Gaara has lived his entire life without sleep--barring specific instances of forced sleep to release Shukaku--and his body has to have adapted to that. fifteen years of not sleeping there’s no way his body would know what to do with that. his body is so used to subsisting (and this is my own like explanation for how Gaara survived pre and post Shukaku) off of massive quantities of food and by funneling his own chakra into his brain to act as rest, healing, etc.  like i think at this point it’s so unconscious that he isn’t even aware he’s doing it anymore--like breathing. His chakra--which is already another physiological system in their bodies--is just taking up the job of the rest portion of his brain.

that all being said, i do still think this will have an overall affect on his lifespan, but not necessarily his physical or mental health in the immediate sense.

2. Kankuro is straight.

this goes for like all the characters i see as straight, and like i hate like putting this in the like “die defending” category, but there’s this sort of.... sense that when you’re LGBT in fandom you’re gonna see every character as gay and you’re sus/someone’s gonna side eye you if you don’t. like i get the whole ‘well obviously everything is straight and cis IRL, and im sick of it’ reasoning behind “everyone is gay/trans” but the thing is.... I wanna see cis and straight people who support their gay/trans friends and family. I don’t need to live in a world where no one is straight and cis. I need to live in a world where people who are straight and cis actually support and love LGBT people. i personally don’t get anything out of the fantasy of no straight cis people because what does that solve? and what does that say about the homophobia and transphobia within the series? It doesn’t solve or say anything. And quite frankly a series like Naruto is inherently homophobic and transphobic (especially trans misogynistic), and i think brushing that aside with an “everyone’s gay/trans” is more insulting than helpful because it’s not addressing the issue. I’m more invested in seeing the characters who aren’t LGBT supporting and loving and working to make the world better for their LGBT friends, family, and community.

like i know not everyone is writing/reading fanfiction or art or what have you in fandom for like realism or whatever, i get the whole escapism of it all, but i approach it this way because for me I just don’t get anything out of pretending that the -isms and -phobias within the series don’t exist.

also straight trans people exist?????

i could go on about this--like some characters are just... not good and i don’t wanna claim that as LGBT because of that--but like i think this is the biggest thing for me at the end of the day: seeing ppl who aren’t LGBT supporting LGBT ppl.

3. Gaara is a polyglot. Also, he’s self-taught in just about everything. He spent most of his youth in the Suna library for obvious reasons, so reading, writing, language, poetry, history, politics, arts, etc he learned there on his own.

4. Shikamaru and Temari live in Suna 6 months out of the year, and Konoha the other 6. Temari does NOT give up her job to be a nagging wife, and Shikamaru is 100% a wife man.

5. Lee is not originally from Konoha or Fire. He doesn’t remember his parents or how he wound up at a Konoha orphanage because trauma. Also his first language isn’t Japanese.

I have more specific HCs about who Lee’s parents are, where he came from, and what happened to his parents, but that’s like spoilers for a fic.

6. Tenten is not an outright orphan. She actually comes from a clan of weapons masters and smiths.

I think it’s fairly common for ppl to assume Tenten is an orphan because we obviously never see her family--granted we just don’t see much of her to begin with--but I personally fell in love with the idea of her having a clan with the focus being weapons. Her parents are still dead, but she lives with her grandmother, who’s renowned for her weapons.

7. Lee has a HUGE amount of chakra. Like obnoxiously huge stores of it that he just doesn’t know how to manipulate--not quite Kisame levels, but definitely a LOT. He gets as far as walking on water and walls, but he absolutely has to be focused to accomplish those feats and prefers just going really fast so he doesn’t fall in/off.

8. Sage mode!Rock Lee.

I have talked about this before(x, x), but you can absolutely pry this from my cold dead hands--actually, you couldn’t. I’d still hold on to this even in death.

9. Lee has like a photographic memory which is why he always writes things down that people tell him.

10. Gaara will be the last Kazekage--whoever comes after him (and i do have a HC for that) will be Kazekage only in the sense that they’re like the figurehead maybe, but ultimately Gaara is working to completely change the shinobi way of life and the Kage system will be dismantled starting with Suna/Gaara.

11. In a modern AU context, Lee is a HUGE fan of Queen and Bruce Lee.

12. Lee definitely grows his hair out later on in life and changes up his attire and becomes his own person.

13. The Kazekage Estate is a generation home--most households in Suna are, and in fact, it’s really fucking weird for someone not to live in a generational home--so Gaara lives there with his siblings. When Temari gets married, she and Shikamaru live there, and continue to do so when they have kids. If Kankuro has a kid (and a spouse), they’ll live there too. Lee eventually moves in. The house is always filled with love. When Gai visits with Kakashi, or when Tenten and Neji visit, they stay there too.

[gayregis]

what are your opinions on the rats? especially mistle and ciri.

incredibly good question thank you anon

i feel that the arc should be taken for what it is: an impressionable teenager who has lost everybody. i feel that it was a great way to take ciri’s character in. when we meet her, we have this prissy princess who has a strong personality but little to back it up because she’s just a child. then then experiences a horrible trauma, one that scars her for life. she could have perished, but she survives, and under the training from both of her parents, she matures and learns self-discipline. but then she loses everything, again. and this time, in constrast, she does not have anyone to rely upon and guide her. so, she buckles and becomes the opposite of what her parents guided her to be. lost and alone, she turns to the company of cruel banditry and adopts their ways of dealing with things. she uses the skills she learned to defend herself in attack against others. then, when she is confronted with evil, she turns from this self and tries to chase what she had learned in the beginning from her parents, and it’s left ambiguous as to if she ever achieved it again. 

it’s a fantastic concept of a character arc and i feel it goes under the radar because she is just a child in the beginning of it, so people mistake her as not being the focus of the series. but slowly, she gains agency in time of contempt, and then you realize that she really is the point of the series.

so, it’s a great concept. but how about how it was executed? i feel like it was done about 90% well, but there were parts that made me cringe. 

to begin with, let’s consider ciri’s character and how it is treated a little more:

ciri already exhibits many of the traits that came out in her during her time with the rats. when she meets geralt, she threatens to chop of his head. then in time of contempt, she has that vision in the korath desert about sending all of her loved ones to the gallows. i think there was good buildup to her being as horrible as we see her in the rats arc. 

not only her pieces in the story, but others speaking ABOUT her; triss in blood of elves having the vision where ciri is dubbed the elder blood, dandelion’s chapter prelude in time of contempt which is an excerpt from half a century of poetry where he says that she just looked like a regular girl, but no one could have ever predicted what she would bring upon them. 

and geralt and ciri having that argument in blood of elves when they disagree about the purpose of a sword. geralt sees it as a burden, because it was placed upon him without a choice as a child. it is something he carried out of obligation. ciri sees it as freedom because it is something she learned to make her feel strong and confident and to heal from her trauma at cintra. she sees it as the solution to her problems, revenge will solve everything. though we see her deviate from this mindset in time of contempt when she refuses to kill cahir in cold blood, it comes back to her in the form of plain all-out violence. 

it’s not revenge against just the black knight who has wronged her and haunted her nightmares, because he never existed. without someone to direct her anger to now, she is taking revenge out on THE WHOLE WORLD for hurting her. she explains so in tower of the swallow when she speaks with vysogota, that not only her parents who she had found and had a chance to love, but all of her ideals and values had abandoned her. it’s the perfect setup. she has clear character motivations. 

i used to be upset because i simplified this in my mind to being just sapkowski saying that revenge is bad and trauma makes you a bad person, but it’s really not that at all. instead, i feel like he is arguing that BLIND revenge on a person is a bad thing. cahir didn’t deserve death at thanedd, so ciri spared him in mercy which was good. she thought before she killed. but once she started taking her pain out on the world, the innocent, the scared just as she was, that was wrong. trauma didn’t make her into a bad person, she just fell into bad ways because she was experiencing such a harsh life and was surrounded by bad influences. in the end, you get to decide if she ever became a better person after this and healed/redeemed herself. 

so the fact that the rats existed is good. it helps ciri develop as a character.

something that makes me cringe is how ciri/mistle was treated. i read in an interview that was translated on reddit that sapkowski wanted to invert the trope of the princess/Really Important Superpower Girl always falling in love with a knight/a bunch of male love interests, so he said, surprise, she’s a lesbian. this i think is a really good idea, as a lesbian i support this and think it is a good inversion of the stale trope. what i do not appreciate is almost everything about how it was handled.

for starters, let’s think about mistle’s character. she used to be a noble, but then became a bandit so she could continue to live a life of luxury. what? that is a very poor representation of why crime happens. the rats pretty much all follow this idea of robbing so they can have a little luxury, which is... just a little illogical. i much more appreciate what he did with angouleme’s character, where she and her fellow orphans became bandits out of necessity because they were escaping from evil and needed to survive, and then faced many hardships. i think it was meant to be this way though, because the rats are pretty much meant to be really dislikable and have few redeeming qualities.

i don’t think the way ciri joins the rats is horrible, i think it was one of her lowest points, and it makes sense for her to be at her lowest, most desperate point when she, a former princess, joins banditry. but ok. im gonna talk about the thing that no one ever wants to talk about

why did there have to be a r*pe scene, sapkowski??? why????? this was so unnecessary and stupid and out of place! ciri is like 15 here too! it’s just like ughhhh... i get that it was intended to be more trauma for ciri (because she totally doesn’t have enough of that already /sarcasm) but it was really... just gross to read... even as a 17 yo reading it, i felt gross and skipped a lot. i feel like sapkowski wanted to create very unredeemable characters, and he succeeded with this, but it was just a little much. but more importantly, this sets ciri and mistle’s relationship up to be horrifically unhealthy. 

and when i think about that interview i read where he said he wanted to invert the tropes and make ciri a lesbian, this is what hurts, because he could have actually had her have a healthy lesbian relationship, but instead the lesbian relationship was predatory and gross, and even more, the only time we see her in love with a woman is during this arc. this arc, when she is not only misguided and impressionable, but cruel, vicious, and being a horrible person. then it’s suggested she begins to like the knights that sapkowski was supposedly trying to not make her fall in love with (this is why the interview confuses me) in lady of the lake when she admires cahir’s eyes and has that awkward run-in with galahad (and in something ends, something begins when she fights alongside galahad and sits next to him at the wedding feast, etc). in the end, it doesn’t come off as bisexuality, instead it just comes off as “when you’re evil and killing people, you are a nasty lesbian,” and “when you are smart and have redeemed yourself to fight for the forces of good, you fall in love with men.” it’s weird how the only time she is in love with a woman is when she is in her “rebellious teenager phase,” it sounds like when some women say, “i was a lesbian in high school/college.” it doesn’t help that practically the only other lesbian in the series is philippa eilhart, who devoted her time to trying to abduct ciri away from her parents so she could use her as a political pawn. so yeah, it’s horrible representation. the OTHER thing i hate is that the gender non-conforming lesbian, mistle, is like the evil one who kills and r*pes. like, seriously? what could have been done to make this better would be to have other highly-coded lesbian characters (cough, cough... milva barring... cough) be butch lesbians, to show representation that isn’t wholly violent. it’s also because mistle is the one that initiates the relationship with ciri, that mistle is the homophobic ‘predatory lesbian’ trope who ‘turned ciri lesbian’ lol. it’s pretty fucked up.

what could have been done to make it better would be to just make ciri have a consentful relationship with mistle (and lower their age gap, i think mistle is around 19???) and for ciri to have feelings for other women or admire women’s looks outside of this time of her life. i think it was a nice/funny touch when she was stunned by margarita laux-antille’s body in time of contempt, but i am wary of this too because i don’t know if sapkowski’s intention here was to just say that margarita was sexy or that ciri was a gay child lol.

i feel like mistle sexually assaulting ciri was a later addition to the story, because they interact pretty healthily otherwise? it doesn’t seem like mistle is overly manipulating ciri in like, any other scene. in something ends, something begins, ciri speaks of her in tones of respect and like, wanting revenge because she loved her, and in the saga she wants revenge for all the rats but specifically for mistle. it’s just super weird to have what started their relationship be sexual assault, because it just makes the whole thing rotten. 

i feel the rats overall got very little development and time as characters, which is probably for the best because they really can be summarized with ease as bad influences to ciri, there’s not much else needed to elaborate upon. i don’t feel mad about not getting a lot of time with the rats. baptism of fire largely follows geralt and the company he is accruing, who actually have like, backstories and drama and things. 

as for the rats’ deaths, this is a parallel between ciri and geralt. when the rats died *, i knew that the hansa was fated to die, as well. geralt and ciri both lose their companies that influenced them heavily in contrasting manners (geralt became a better person and let people into his life and took responsibility, ciri absorbed cruelty and violent ways of venting her aggression and feelings of being wronged). sapkowski went total gore-filled anime scene when depicting their deaths, and really set up bonhart as the absolute vilest antagonist. of course it was horrific, this is an adult’s fantasy series after all, and even though it was nauseating to read, i don’t think they could have died in any other way. they did not have noble deaths, for they were not noble people. and sapkowski depicted violent death in a very realistic way, that is what slaughter is like.

i think ciri mourning the rats even though they were bad people is appropriate. just because they were bad people and influenced her in bad ways does not necessarily mean that she realizes this and views them poorly. if you read her statement to vysogota in time of contempt about when all her values failed her but she found support in the most surprising of places, it makes sense that she would care for them even if they were horrible.

* even though it was already insinuated to me that the hansa would die because i just began blood & wine when i started to read the witcher books (i mean, milva and cahir are not mentioned by geralt & regis within the beginning scenes of blood & wine (i had yet to meet angouleme in tos) so it is suggested that they died). 

TLDR: remove the r*pe scene and it’s fine...?

an afterthought and footnote: that scene with hotspurn was NOT necessary. or more specifically, the idea that a 15/16 yo girl could catch feelings for some 30-yo man and have those feelings deeply and explicitly elaborated upon is really stupid, but more importantly, out of place in the narrative, it was completely useless. it’s creepy and gross. 

[ast-heljar]

So I bought ane early access game called Kynseed because it seemed like the sort of sandbox game I have been searching for. It is!

The first thing I love about it is the art style. For a 2D game it is actually super pretty.

It has a lot of flaws that sorta drive me up a wall-- such as I have to remember the next step of the quest myself the task journal is no help --but it sounds like the devs have a lot of experience in their field, so I am happy to assume that they know what theyre doing and am otherwise enjoying the early access immensely.

But (and only very minor spoilers ahead because most of this is in the game description itself) the story of the game is that you make a deal with a great fae and oh boy is it a big damn deal.

So, you are an adopted orphan twin who "makes" friends with this guy Twig who teaches you how to fish. Twig is an AWFUL friend, seriously, who takes a 13 year old to this shady goat fae for their 13th birthday. And this motherfucker gives you the terms and conditions right up front-- at the cost of years off you life, that is in exchange for YOUR BODY when you turn 60, he will give a kynseed that will make you powerful. How, a smart person would ask? The Kynseed will allow you to TAKE OVER the body of one of your heirs when you turn 60 allowing you to continue playing and growing your family tree. All you have to do is dig up the seed when the time is right and hand it over BUT that binds your heir to the same contract. Shady Goat Face gets THEIR BODY TOO when they turn 60. And I hear you out there thinking, "well what if I just dont have kids, what then?" Oh no worries, if you arent interested in cultivating the sex life of your 2D PC an heir WILL BE PROVIDED FOR YOU because Goatface-o is a great fae and covers loopholes 'cause he is a nice guy. He even says so! Or says he is nice anyway, because this is just the kind of deals nice fae offer to 13 year olds.

Oh, and the reason you live only to 60 is because every year he is gonna take a life tax. Oh, and he will happily supply you with other awesome fae items in exchange for... MORE YEARS off your life. The Gluttons Trough, for example, that automatically feeds all your animals-- extremely tempting! Or, the one I chose, a Key that lets you travel faerie paths. When i figure out how I will actually be playing this game, as opposed to the prologue, i guess I will know which was worth YEARS OFF MY LIFE.

TWIG, WHY ?!?!?!

Twig is also a bit crazy, you see, i picked up a note of his and its a little bonkers. But he really adores Shady Goatmanson. The two are totes unrelated, of course.

What the actual fuck?

Anyway, the point of the game it to get married and have kids, but you can def be gay they specifically say so in game via an OOC: btw... Also, so far there is actually not a lot of, or any that I can recall, gendered language surrounding you and your fraternal twin of the opposite assigned gender even after you pick which you wanna play, so I mean, that is pretty cool personally and I pray they dont change that in the future.

In fact I would love to send the Devs a personal thank you note on the subject specifically, because I can be queer and both MC's stay nonbinary, but I dont know how.

Anyway, Im loving this game. If the Devs ever have a store with their own Kynseed collectable, tho, Imma have to pass. I DID read that contract and... hrm. HRMM.

[sunlitpeony]

[ LFRP ] Ane - ( Ultros, Balmung, Crystal DC )

❝ who are we, then, if we are not laughing? loving? ❞

🔓-- A lock icon denotes the presence of an additional something significant to be discovered only via roleplay. The more locks there are, the harder it will be to learn! Build a relationship with her to discover these secrets she keeps to herself.

This LFRP post is specifically for her canon verse. Check over here for access to the LFRP post for her geomancer verse. I can play both/either on Balmung/Crystal as necessary!

❀ General Information ––– -

Name: Ane de Borel. 🔓 Epithet: Of the Shining Scale. Gender: Cisgender female. Age: 28. Race: Au Ra (Raen.) Birthplace: Yama, Othard. Current Residence: House Borel, the Holy See of Ishgard. Relationship Status: Married. Sexual Orientation: Demisexual. Occupation: Healer. Apothecary. Herbalist.

❀ Physical Appearance ––– -

Hair: Warm black. Thick. Naturally wavy. Streaked with silver, though most concentrated at the root and in her bangs to the point of looking stark white. Often worn swept up with a green scarf or over her shoulder. Never without at least a small braid somewhere, regardless of style. Eyes: Warm grey. Clouded by cataracts. Kind. Height: 4 fm 8 im. Distinguishing Marks: Rounded, soft scales reminiscent of a koi’s. Strange-feeling aether. 🔓🔓 An absolutely contagious smile. Common Accessories: A modest, braided wedding band fashioned of three kinds of gold. A fragment of her very first Crystal of Light, all but dormant, hanging on a simple leather cord about her neck. 🔓🔓 A bracelet fashioned out of humble, smooth river stones. Dark silver bands adorning her horns, carved by hand with strange designs. 🔓🔓

❀ Personality & Tidbits ––– -

A young woman possessed of an indomitable spirit. Though robbed of her ability to use aether freely, she carries on down the path of healing, and this setback has only served to further fuel her dedication to her studies. Soft-spoken and generous, Ane always has time to spare for those who have need of her company, and she is quick with a smile and cup of warm tea to cheer them during their travels to the frozen north. Her kindness is not weakness, however, and she will not back down from doing what she feels in her heart to be right -- even if others might accuse her of having abandoned the light to do so.

Talents: Traditional Far Eastern medicines. Nonmagical healing. Archery. Weaknesses: Combat in close quarters. Overwhelmed by an overabundance of aether. Can very sparingly use magic, but only at great cost to herself. Sweets. Virtues: Sincere. Kind-hearted. Optimistic. Hopeful. Forgiving. Flaws: Stubborn. Slow to anger, but fiery-tempered when pushed too far. Can still suffer bouts of feeling self-conscious and inferior, especially about the unstable nature of her aether. Somewhat childish when upset. Doesn’t always know when to quit, and sometimes other people pay the price for it. Spiritual Views: Reverence for the Dawn Father. Respect and recognition for most other faiths she has personally come across, as she imagines they must all have at least a grain of truth at their hearts. Especially soft towards the kami and Halone. Has begun to harbor bitterness towards the Mother Crystal. 🔓🔓 Hobbies: Gardening. Cooking. Baking. Weaving. Fears: Losing her loved ones. Being separated from her family. Flying.  Temperament: Phlegmatic. Alignment: Neutral Good.

❀ Traits ––– -

Extroverted / In Between / Introverted

Disorganized / In Between / Organized

Close Minded / In Between / Open Minded

Calm / In Between / Anxious / Spirited

Disagreeable / In Between / Agreeable

Cautious / In Between / Reckless

Patient / In Between / Impatient

Outspoken / In Between / Reserved

Leader / In Between / Follower

Empathetic / In Between / Apathetic

Optimistic / In Between / Pessimistic

Traditional / In Between / Modern

Hard-working / In Between / Lazy

Cultured / In Between / Uncultured

Loyal / In Between / Disloyal

Faithful / In Between / Unfaithful

❀ Additional information ––– –

Smoking Habit: Never. Drugs: Not anything recreational. Traditional medicinal use only. Alcohol: On occasion to relax. Extremely fond of rum-heavy rum cakes.

❀ Hooks ––– -

Region-related connections.

❀ Doma, a Place Once Called Home - Orphaned as a child, Ane saw herself brought to Doma by her long-term guardian and adoptive mother, and it was in the Yanxian countryside that she spent the majority of her life. Though she has since left to settle elsewhere, there is a softness in her heart for this nation and its people. Doman characters might find her helping to rebuild the Enclave and spending time in Namai, the birthplace and home of one of her dearest old friends. ❀  The Holy See of Ishgard - Her new home. The streets of the Holy See are where she spends the majority of her time, frequenting her favorite small businesses and pastry shops. Characters frequenting Ishgard have good opportunity to run into her! ❀ The Waking Snowdrop Clinic - Her place of work. Established, opened, and run alongside a close companion of hers. Here she specializes in traditional Far Eastern medicines bolstered by her growing knowledge of Eorzean herbalism. If your character is looking for medical treatment or lives in the Brume, this is an excellent way to meet her.

General connections.

❀ Once Blessed - I play Ane as the Warrior of Light who has, at this point, permanently lost her Blessing as of the ending of 4.0. I know Warrior of Light roleplay is not everyone’s cup of tea, and while I will not write it entirely out of her characterization for you, I find it often is not relevant 99% of the time. It isn’t something I tend to go out of my way to bring up (and I do not expect people to know of her, regardless of how this plays out in-game with the MSQ), and I am very content for it to not factor into roleplay at all. However, if you’d like to roleplay your character knowing her through this former part of her life -- be they a Scion, an interested canon NPC, or someone who simply recognizes her -- this connection is open to you! ❀ Herbalism + Gardening + Traditional Medicine - Is your character an herbalist? Botanist? Avid plant fan? Ane is, too! She has a very keen interest in gardening and is always excited to invite similarly invested parties to explore her humble greenhouse on the Borel estate grounds. Those she might learn from are welcome connections! She also hopes that one day Coerthas might thaw enough to support wildflowers once more, and she is always looking for an opportunity to help recover the Lowlands. ❀ Friendships + Rivals + Enemies - Always open! I am interested in any and all of these as options.  ❀ Have an idea for something not already here? - Please feel free to pitch it to me! I would love to hear what you have in mind!

❀ OOC Information ––– -

Genres: I like scenarios that lead to character development! Angst with purpose, fluff, slice of life, and even comedic scenes are all absolutely welcome. So long as we are both enjoying ourselves and getting what we like out of roleplay, that’s what matters most to me. Playstyle: I prefer to roleplay on tumblr and Discord as I’m not very good at in-game roleplay, the exception being if we are meeting up one on one or in a very small group (think five people at the most.) I worry about how slow I am and that I am giving poor responses when it’s a very real-time scenario so. ; v ; If you want to play in-game with me, I ask for your patience! Length: I like to write one paragraph at the absolute least, tending more towards a few to several (or even pages), but I will often do my best to match my partner’s reply length unless encouraged to do otherwise. Server: My PvE main (though also available for roleplay!) is over on Ultros, but I have been working to catch up Ane on Balmung before the Great Server Shuffle of 2019. You can find me as Ane Borel in both places! Timezone: CST. Availability: Currently I am available more or less whenever (though I do try to be in bed before 10 PM CST!) apart from on every other Wednesday evening when I have my D&D campaign. If you don’t see me online, please feel free to drop me a line and I’ll be glad to hop on and hang. :> My schedule will change some in future once I’m employed, but I will make an announcement when it’s relevant! Contact Information: You are always welcome to poke at me here, be it through asks or messages! I will give my Discord out privately to interested parties.

{ banner features art by: captainbasch }

[system-architect]

i can’t rememb if i already sent an ask but if not could u mayhaps do peej

u did send an ask which i will get to in a second but i am gonna happily do pj anyway!!

Personal

1)      Age? he’s 24 and a big shit who’s weirdly conscious about being 24 despite the fact that thats sTILL YOUNG so he lies and tells people he’s 21

2)      Gender? trans gay trans gay trans gay. he’s a very GnC trans guy who hasn’t transitioned too much bc he likes how he is

3)      Romantic/Sexual Orientation? gay... he’s a big gay. loves men

4)      Height? he’s 2′10″ aka min height haha pj small

5)      Race? asura and like metaphorically a fckn demon

6)      What do they look like? (i.e, hair color, eye color, etc). like a bush baby.......... uhhh he’s a very small lithe asura with wild ass fckn scene tier spiked up hair and his eyes are Indeed freakishly huge and he’s got sort of piebald esque markings and he’s also got spots of black pigment on his tongue and gums like some dogs do! i’m just gonna link art again

7)      Any disabilities? tbh he might have occasional breathing issues from his eye size and the constant vaping. also.. Some Stuff Happens During PoF but its not anything conventional that you might be expecting...

8)      Is there a meaning to their name? nope OOPS that one asura name generator spat it out at me actually! it stuck and i thought it was a weirdly funny name for an asura while also sounding p decent

9)      What makes them, them? he’s this image:

10)   What do they want to be when they grow up/what do they want to do with their lives? tbh his life is very stagnated atm and he’s not sure what he wants. to keep surviving, he guesses

Family

11)   Do they have parents? What are they like and how do they act with their child(ren)? he’s an orphan! his parents are unknown... he was raised in an orphanage by this very prim and proper asuran lady who was very secretly kind of a party gal on the side

12)   Do they have siblings? How do they interact with them? again, orphan, so family questions are hard to answer cus he doesn’t know anything about em

13)   Extended family? Do they see them often?

14)   Do they like where they live? (Is it a safe place?) he has A Flat up inbetween arkentia valley and magus valley in rata sum (i pretend there’s more out there than there actually is jhkfgd) which is also near where the glitch is located! it is fairly safe and he is quite fond of it, although he’s at the club most of the time

15)   Where do they live? Are they wealthy? Poor? Middle-Class? i just kinda answered this but he has Money honestly....... running a luxury nightclub that’s a front for your shady information trading business will do that for ya huh

16)   Do they have a lot of expectations/pressure on them from family to do great? the orphanage owner wanted all her little adoptee children to be Starlets and tried to teach them proper etiquette and get them into refined fields........... pj is successful but in the most opposite way from this possible

17)   Do they have pets? nope and thats probably for the better

18)   Who do they look up to the most/are the closest to in their family?

19)   This there anything special about their family?

20)   Do they wish they lived in a different family/household? he’s constantly torn about like... the concept of having blood relatives out there [hopefully]........ he’s not sure if he wants to know about them or not, if he would’ve rather been raised by them or not. it’s alluring but scary

Friends

21)   Best Friend(s)? his best friend is Kinda his ‘secretary’, kessa, who is a whispers agent plant in his club that helps him run the place in exchange for siphoning information from it. PJ is aware she’s whispers and kessa is aware he’s aware she’s whispers and they have a tentative and tense but friendly??? bond. it’s like, thin ice all the time but they’re also quite close. both her and pj are savvy and sort of take turns greasing the wheels of their various dealings; i think kessa is a bit bolder and craftier than pj and more organized oops. as far as kessa as a person, she’s a tall butch with cherry red dyed hair and she goes by the nickname ‘lucky’ due to the shamrock shaped marking over her right eye. she prefers masc looking clothing and she has a suave flirty personality with a quick wit and a snarky teasing sense of humor

22)   Who was their first friend? hgjkfdgh he’s never had many friends unfortunately. he tends to drive people away...

23)   What is their friend group like? a lot of people hang around him for general exterior motives like money and status.. not many people genuinely like him

24)   Do they have a love/hate relationship with any of them? like everyone................... ‘i need you but i dont like you’ etc

25)   Do they consider any of their friends to be like siblings?

26)   Have they ever hurt a friend or lost one? definitely a lot. he’s a very abrasive person who can get fussy and picky and two-faced

27)   Do they have a crush on any of their friends? alas yeah half of pjs ‘friends’ are people he wants to smooch but its in a very vapid fashion.... even w/ deeper crushes pj isnt gonna be gettin any genuine love

28)   Do they share classes with good friends?

29)   Whom do they go to the most when they need a shoulder to cry on? he might drunk cry to viel or kessa and i dont think either would know what to do about it

30)   What would this person do without their friends in their lives? despite having shallow ‘friendships’ a lot of his self esteem revolves around popularity and being well-liked so he’d be... super crushed

School

31)   What grade are they in? If they aren’t in school, how come? he got like 30% of the way thru statics courses for political science and dropped out because he hated school... he was naturally savvy and talented with debate and an excellent candidate for a worthless weasel-y politician who can screw anyone over within a sentence but he just hated the whole school system and didn’t fit with it and getting into arcane politics wasn’t something he really enjoyed, it was all super backstabby but simultaneously Goody Two Shoes and he haaated it

32)   Do/Did they like their teachers? Was there a good one? Bad one? he probably butted heads with all of them and hated being told what to do

33)   Do/Did they listen to their teachers or are/where they goofing off a lot? definitely goofed off and didn’t care. he was good at stuff when he was asked to actually do stuff so why bother paying attention to boring stuff he already knows?

34)   Are/Where they a good student grade wise? stellar marks on very specific fields and tests and debates where the school system actually lined up with his talents but terrible marks otherwise

35)   Do/Did they need extra help? he was probably arbitrarily assigned a tutor due to his low marks but was uninterested in actually being helped and was a catty piece of shit the whole time

36)   What is/was their school like?

37)   Do/Did they have bullies in school? he’s a terrible worthless rat trash man and there was probably gossip that flew around about him but he loved hunting it down and intimidating the daylights out of the people who started it. even as a child he was a notorious drama monger and tattletale so it’s kinda in his nature. pj is a literally terrible person i’m so sorry to anyone who likes him for w/e reason

38)   Have they ever gotten into a fight at school? probably not many physical ones altho he’s def been punched a few times. most of his fights were probably weird high strung drama that contained a lot of passive aggression and counter-gossip and maybe some good ol fashioned blackmail

39)   Have they ever done something stupid/embarrassing at school? hard to categorize bc he’s a walking embarrassment

40)   How far do they plan to go with school? If they dropped out, do they want to go back? he dropped out and has literally 0% intentions of going back ever. and not as a char development thing either-- he’s never going to want to go back even if he improves as a person. it’s not his thing

Other

41)   Are they dating anyone? Do they want to date? Are the married? Divorced? pj pretends he’s shallow and only wants A Good Time but a bit more under the surface he’s absolutely desperate for more genuine bonds and wants Love And Affection and pretends ppl love him when they’re makin out idk. he’s a sad sad man

42)   What is their favorite hobby? Do they keep it a secret? he’s a boring egg who should probably pick up a hobby

43)   If they could have one thing in life, what would it be? what he’ll say he wants is like, more money/successful business but what he Needs is a kick in the ass to work on improving himself and to earn some friends who genuinely like him and to find a Meaning for himself

44)   Do they work? If so, what is it? If not, are they looking for one or even want one? shady information traderrrr he deals in secrets and identities of the asuran underworld

45)   Do they use social media? probably uses asuran instagram and snapchat

46)   Have they ever been in the hospital? probably for some very dumb injuries tbh

47)   Do they believe in the supernatural, that there is more than the eye can see? again weird Q in context of gw2 but superstitions... he’ll claim he’s logical but he’s prone to suggestion wrt this stuff and a huge chicken

48)   What do they do when they get angry, stressed, or upset? cry on bathroom floor with bottle of wine

49)   Would they consider themselves as a good person, bad person, or morally grey? i think he avoids thinking about this too in depth bc he knows he’s a bad person haha..... he’s a bit messed up atm because this doesn’t motivate him to improve despite knowing it. he’s just kinda... yeah im awful so what if you cant take the heat then get out of the kitchen

50)   Does this OC have any part of you in them? (I.e, personality traits, similar background, etc) yeah he’s a bit representative of the time period of my life where i was overfocused on Being Hurt and wallowed a lot in my trauma and i felt i was justified in being a pretty nasty person for whatever plethora of reasons, but i was stagnating and it was all hurting me really badly even if i wasn’t ready to accept that it was hurting me. i felt a huge sense of impending doom and not knowing what to do with my life or if i’d ever get better...

[liminoidal]

All the 50 qs for Icio

My fish kid?? 0^0 im stoked

Their age? - They are 420 (blaze it)

Their sexuality/sexual preference? - They can be interested in anyone, but let’s be real, they have only ever been interested in Juni (so Junisexual?)

Any siblings/Only child? - They are an only child by birth, but they like to think they have a found family rn.

Their favourite season? - There aren’t seasons on Dryas like Earth? But they prefer the colder months cuz they prefer long skirts and that lifestyle is not hopping during the warm and humid months.

Who were/are their parents/guardians? - Their birth mother was a bitch, their birth father likely didn’t know they existed, but the Templar Koda (who raised them) was pretty chill.

Their gender? - They are a fish person who was raised by a bunch of trees, gender is the least of their problems.

Their date of birth? - October 23--yes they are the dreaded Scorpio.

What clothing style? - They love long skits and crop tops, and since they don’t need the templar cowl, they love sleeveless shirts.

What is their favourite food after a break-up? - They’ve never had a break-up? The closest they got was when they weren’t able to talk to Juni, and then they just kinda... Didn’t eat lmao.

Their favourite thing to do after a break-up? - They are a meditation freak normally, but when Juni is mad at them they meditate like constantly. Also, painting nails is super relaxing in their opinion.

What happens in the ‘honeymoon phase’ for this character? - I mean them and Juni are soulmates, so they just tease her and also privately worship her, and also like. So much sex. Seriously it’s kinda embarrassing at some point.

How many serious relationships have they been in? - One? With Pan, praise be to him. Lmao, jk, they have only ever been with Juni because templars take a vow of celibacy.

What is their nationality? - They are Dryad by nurture, but half-Theuthidan half-human by nature.

What languages do they speak? - They speak Dryad, Common, Binary, and learned Theuthidan curses just to curse them out.

What is their profession/Education? - They were educated as a templar, so they have extensive magic and religious education.

Their favourite comfort food? - They drink tea to be comforted.

What’s a food they hate? - They hate the idea of fish. Even if they hate Theuthida, it just makes them viscerally uncomfortable.

Their music taste? - They are the person that turns on the “lo-fi beats to study to” playlist and listens religiously.

Is there a story behind their name/meaning? - Their mom didn’t want to be associated with them, so she gave them their father’s surname and picked a random first name.

Something they do that seems childish to others? - Their first time sleeping with Juni was... Rough, to say the least. And overall, they missed out on a lot growing up with templars, so their excitement for parties is kinda childlike. They are also stubborn in their self-hatred, despite all evidence pointing to the contrary.

What is their all-time favourite TV show? - They’ve never seen a TV show? But if they were gonna like anything, it would probably be Steven Universe or Adventure Time.

What is their all-time favourite movie? - They love Finding Nemo. They might have a few issues with their family.

How big is their family? - 16? Their found family is pretty big.

Are they close to anyone specific in the family? - They are closest to Juni obvs, but they are getting really close with Castor and Ciri. Them and Nivviah have a bond through shared heritage (that took a bit to get used to), they are good friends with Val, and Venus (and soon Flor) and them have weekly spa nights where they gossip about the ship and give fashion tips.

Have they got any allergies? - They are allergic to weed. The irony hasn’t stopped hitting them this entire year.

Are they an emotional person? - They specifically are not, mostly because their wild magic and their emotions are tied in odd ways. Sometimes it can lead to gross things like a third eye. Sometimes it can be more... dangerous, like lightning in their hands or poison in the air.

Do they get angry/lose their temper quickly? - No, they have meditation for that.

What are some of their guilty pleasures? - They really like standing in front of the mirror and just... adding spells to make it seem like they are full human, or dryad. It’s a nice thought, but then the spell fades and they get a bit sad.

Do they have pets? Do they want pets? - They don’t have pets and they don’t fully understand the concept like... You just own little creatures? And call them names? Why?

Do they like kids? Do they want kids/have kids? - They have loved kids for years. Between away missions, they would read stories to the orphans and help them go to sleep. They do have kids, and they are working on accepting that. One of them is literally a soul attached to a locket, and the other two are snilds (snake childs).

Who’s cuddle buddy are they? - They are Juni’s cuddle buddy, and sometimes the rest of the team in they feel like they need it.

Do they have any tattoos? - Nope, unless you count the scales.

Do they have any piercings? - Nope, they are not into pain like that.

What is their hair colour? Is it their natural colour? - Their hair color is light auburn and yes, it is that way by nature, despite all evidence that might point otherwise.

Do they like musicals? - They hadn’t heard a musical until [insert name here] introduced them to the concept. Now they listen to Next to Normal religiously.

Do they like marmite? - They don’t know what a marmite is and at this point they are too afraid to ask.

Do they like glitter? - They love glitter but like it’s not very good for their scales cuz if you think it takes forever to get off of human skin, you have never had glitter stuck between a couple of scales.

Do they believe in the supernatural? - They are a religious person, and even if they weren’t, at this point they’ve seen too much proof to refute it.

Have they ever seen a dead body? - Bitch, they’ve caused dead bodies.

Have they ever had a near-death experience? - Yup. It ended in their first son dying and being put in a necklace. They don’t really wanna experience that shit again. Knowing Castor, it probably will happen again.

Have they ever broken a bone? - Nah, they’ve been super careful about that stuff.

What are they like when they’re drunk/what kind of drunk are they? - They are an honest and giggly drunk. It’s not as fun as it sounds.

Have they ever drunk underage? - They barely got to drink overage, they are 420.

What is the first thing they do when they wake up? - They meditate for awhile, usually talking to Heron but sometimes just on their own, pondering… Everything.

Do they consider themselves popular? - Not really? That was always Juni. Their inferiority complex has always been a barrier to them seeking out friendships, and they genuinely like alone time. (They say to themself, quietly dying of loneliness on the side when Juni is with other people.) But they’re working on it. They’ve got the Freedom Vessel now.

How do they like their tea/coffee? - They like that plain leaf water, and can’t drink coffee.

What do they smell like? - Slightly fish-y? Not a lot because they don’t like go in water very much, but a little. Also a lot like trees, specifically Juni.

Are they a virgin? - Not since they left Dryas they’re not. ( ��° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Do they wear glasses/contacts? - Nope, they got that good fish eyesight.

Are they good at remembering significant dates? Anniversaries, birthdays etc? - Normally yeah. Sometimes it slips their mind, but they are also four centuries old, so they sometimes ask for some graciousness. (*eyes Juni freaking out a hundred years ago for accidentally forgetting to say “happy birthday” one freaking time) 

[aletterforyou-dreamy]

you can read their letters here, if you’d like. I wonder if you might resonate with one or two of them. I am going to include below one I personally resonated with the most.

Dear Sugar,

I have deep faith in what you write. Thank you. I’m having some trouble getting over some trouble. There are truly harrowing experiences that your readers share, through you, with us. This isn’t one of those. It’s simple trouble. Someone shared love with me (starting when we were twenty-one), and then he took it away (when we were thirty-four). It wasn’t always love, and we weren’t always aware, and towards the end, my partner and I slammed against a wall of (im)maturation, and we realized that skimming across the surface of our individual and shared issues would no longer cut it. After all these years, I thought we were getting there together. I was ready and excited to dig in and get to know ourselves more deeply and make plans for the future. I thought my partner was too.

I was wrong. He told me he’d been thinking that he needed to leave. And then he left.

So ever since reading your column Tiny Beautiful Things I’ve been thinking about that situation and about what I would tell twenty-year-old me about the relationship path she was about to get on. From the old side, the hurt side, the trying to understand what happened side, and the poisonous “when could I and should I have done something differently to prevent this from happening” side. I’m still trying to teach myself to unlove this man. But even to type that pushes bruises. It’s been a while, but I can still feel howling gales and crippling nostalgia and am mourning the future we never had.

And I still have a question about your column. I want to understand you because I think it could help me. I want to know why you don’t need a reason to leave someone you love. “Wanting to leave is enough.” Why is it enough, Sugar? Why can’t “the terms of the relationship change” from within? Why can’t you come to know yourself and be/get ready for love with the person you love?

Why couldn’t you? I think what happened with us must be like what happened to you, in some way, when you were in love with your first husband but weren’t ready to love one person, as you wrote about in your column Scared & Confused. Maybe my boyfriend was experiencing something like you did, and I am experiencing something like your ex-husband. Except you were so young; we were approaching middle age. You “didn’t want to stay with a man I loved anymore but I couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge what was so very obvious and so very true.”

But why? And what was true? I don’t sense it’s because you thought the next person would be better, would fix something or fill some hole in you. A person could careen from one partner to the next forever, avoiding self-accountability and chasing what ifs. Why was it obvious and true for you to choose to leave? And how did he feel about it? When is leaving the right thing to do, and when is it a failure? I think it would help me—the one left—to know.

I’m living my life day by day. It goes by, the past couple years. But among many shining truths of strength and resolve that I try to live out is one that keeps my heartsick and keeps me from living fully. I still love him. I feel like something horrible wrenched me from my life, and I split, and the real me is elsewhere, in a life shared with him where I trust and am loved and have this core of peace. I still ache to get back there, but I can’t find it. Some days I want to poster the damn telephone poles with my own picture. I’m trying to understand why he left me. I worry that if I don’t I’ll always be stuck looking for myself.

Signed, Trying

Dear Women,

I chose to publish your letters together because placed alongside each other I think they tell a story complete enough that they answer themselves. Reading them, it occurred to me that allowing you to read what others in a similar situation are struggling with would be a sort of cure for what ails you, though of course I have something to say about them, too. As Trying noted in her letter, I struggled with these very questions mightily in my own life, when I was married to a good man whom I both loved and ached to leave. Your letters brought me back there, to the most painful era of my life.

There was nothing wrong with my ex-husband. He wasn’t perfect, but he was pretty close. I met him a month after I turned nineteen and I married him on a rash and romantic impulse a month before I turned twenty. He was passionate and smart and sensitive and handsome and absolutely crazy about me. I was crazy about him, too, though not absolutely. He was my best friend; my sweet lover; my guitar-strumming, political rabble-rousing, road-tripping side-kick; the co-proprietor of our vast and eclectic music and literature collection; and daddy to our two darling cats.

But there was in me an awful thing, from almost the very beginning: a tiny clear voice that would not, not matter what I did, stop saying go.

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he’s kind and faithful and dear to you.

Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his.

Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him.

Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.

Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.

Go, even though you once said you would stay.

Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone.

Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.

Go, even though there is nowhere to go.

Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.

Go, because you want to.

Because wanting to leave is enough.

Get a pen. Write that last sentence on your palm, sweet peas—all five of you. Then read it over and over again until your tears have washed it away.

Doing what one wants to do because one wants to do it is hard for a lot of people, but I think it’s particularly hard for women. We are, after all, the gender onto which a giant Here to Serve button has been eternally pinned. We’re expected to nurture and give by the very virtue of our femaleness, to consider other people’s feelings and needs before our own. I’m not opposed to those traits. The people I most admire are in fact nurturing and generous and considerate. Certainly, an ethical and evolved life entails a whole lot of doing things one doesn’t particularly want to do and not doing things one very much does, regardless of gender.

But an ethical and evolved life also entails telling the truth about oneself and living out that truth.

Leaving a relationship because you want to doesn’t exempt you from your obligation to be a decent human being. You can leave and still be a compassionate friend to your partner. Leaving because you want to doesn’t mean you pack your bags the moment there’s strife or struggle or uncertainty. It means that if you yearn to be free of a particular relationship and you feel that yearning lodged within you more firmly than any of the other competing and contrary yearnings are lodged, your desire to leave is not only valid, but probably the right thing to do. Even if someone you love is hurt by that.

Trying, in your letter you write that your trouble is simple, but I can see that your grief is extraordinary. I’m so sorry for that. I’m sorry you got your heart crushed. My inbox is full of emails from people who are suffering for similar reasons and there’s nothing I can do for you or for them but say there are better days ahead. Time will heal this wound, sweet pea. I know that for certain, though I also know that feels impossible to you right now. There is more love to be found and you’ll find it someday and everything you learned from your thirteen years with your former boyfriend will contribute to your ability to do it better next time around.

I don’t know why he left you. I can’t even properly answer your question about why I needed to leave my ex. I was tortured by this very question for years because I felt like such an ass for breaking his heart and I was so shattered I’d broken my own. I was too young to commit myself to one person. We weren’t as compatible as we initially seemed. I was driven by my writing and he begrudged my success in equal measure to his celebration of it. I wasn’t ready for long-term monogamy. He grew up upper middle class and I grew up poor and I couldn’t keep myself from resenting him for that. He was more politically correct in bed than I wanted him to be. My mother died and my stepfather stopped being a father to me and I was an orphan by the age of 22 and reeling in grief. I had biological father wounds and biological grandfather wounds and in order to heal them I needed fifty men and three good women to have sex with me.

All of these are reasons are true enough in their specificity, but they all boil down to the same thing: I had to leave. Because I wanted to. Just like Playing It Safe does and Standing Still does and Claustrophobic does and Leaving a Marriage does, even if they aren’t ready to do it yet. I know by their letters they each have their own lists and all those words on all of those lists boil down to one that says go.

I imagine that’s what it boiled down to for your former partner, too, Trying. That like me, he came to trust his truest truth, even though there were other truths running alongside it—such has his deep love for you. You ask: “Why can’t ‘the terms of the relationship change’ from within?” And my answer is that they can. In successful long-term relationships they usually do. But in order for that to work all parties involved must be willing and capable of making that change. And for some reason they sometimes aren’t, no matter how hard they try or wish to be able to.

I didn’t just up and walk out on my ex-husband one day. I desperately wanted to not want to leave. He knew I was ambivalent, in spite of my true love for him. I agonized in precisely the ways the women who wrote the four letters above are agonizing and I shared a fair piece of that struggle with my ex. I tried to be good. I tried to be bad. I was sad and scared and sick and self-sacrificing and ultimately self-destructive. I finally cheated on my former husband because I didn’t have the guts to tell him I wanted out. I loved him too much to make a clean break, so I botched the job and made it dirty instead.

The year or so I spent splitting up with him after I confessed my sexual dalliances was wall-to-wall pain. It wasn’t me against him. It was the two of us wrestling together neck-deep in the muckiest mud pit. Divorcing him is the most excruciating decision I’ve ever made. But it was the wisest one, too. And I wasn’t the only one whose life is better for it. He deserved the love of a woman who didn’t have the word go whispering like a deranged ghost in her ear.

While you’re probably in no mood to be philosophical about the devastation your boyfriend’s leaving has caused you, Trying, I think it’s worth saying that it’s far better to be alone and therefore open to new, more fulfilling love, than it is to be involved with someone who half wants out. If your former boyfriend didn’t ultimately love you the way you love him his leaving was a kindness that someday, far from now, you’ll be grateful for. And it’s a kindness that you, Playing It Safe, and you, Standing Still and you, Claustrophobic and you, Leaving a Marriage may just have to muster the courage to mete out. Even if that kindness delivers a fatal blow.

It wasn’t until I’d been married to Mr. Sugar a few years that I truly understood my first marriage. In loving him, I’ve come to see more clearly how and why I loved my first husband. My two marriages aren’t so different from each other, though there’s some sort of magic sparkle glue in the second that was missing in the first. Mr. Sugar and my ex have never met, but I’m certain if they did they’d get along swimmingly. They’re both good men with kind hearts and gentle souls. They both share my passions for books, the outdoors and lefty politics; they’re both working artists, in different fields. I argue with Mr. Sugar about the same amount as I did with my former husband, at a comparable velocity, about similar things. Others have praised both of my marriages as admirable; in each, I’ve been perceived as one half of a “great couple.” And in both marriages there have been struggles and sorrows that few know about and fewer still were and are capable of seeing or understanding.

Mr. Sugar and I have been neck-deep together in the muckiest mud pit too. The only difference is that every time I’ve been down there with him I wasn’t fighting for my freedom and neither was he. In our nearly sixteen years together, I’ve never once thought the word go. I’ve only wrestled harder so I’d emerge dirty, but stronger, with him.

I didn’t want to stay with my ex-husband, not at my core, even though whole swaths of me did. And if there’s one thing I believe more than I believe anything else, it’s that you can’t fake the core. The truth that lives there will eventually win out. It’s a god we must obey, a force that brings us all inevitably to our knees. And because of it, I can only ask the four women who wrote to me with the same question: will you do it later or will you do it now?

Yours, Sugar

[obaewankenope]

The Gospel of the Anakin Apologist + The General Rudeness of Unrelated Comments on a Post

So @stonefreeak had an anon show up and whine about Padme. I and @sanerontheinside added our two cents in then *waves hands* SOME ASSHOLE shows up and wants to play ‘Anakin is a victim and Padme is a stupid ho and Obi-Wan is to blame for EVERYTHING EVER’ on the post even though, amusingly enough, it has no bearing on the discussion in the slightest.

Ergo I got vexed.

Actually all of us did bc wow stupid much.

The rest is under a read more because wow this got long and salty.

Also I’m tagging people so they can share the salt: @meabhair, @kyberpunk, @maawi, @markwatnae, @lilyrose225writes, @knight-kennedy, @punsbulletsandpointythings, @deadcatwithaflamethrower, @myurbandream, @jhaernyl :)

You see, we were discussing Padme as a female character and the double-standard around female characters being expected to be perfect and male characters essentially being able to do whatever the fuck they want so long as they’re pretty (pick a fandom, any fandom, you’re guaranteed to see the same dichotomy in treatment of male - female characters).

Apparently we can’t do that shit tho bc ‘oh no you’re blaming my bae!!!’ like wow, really fucking stupid much.

Anyway, to explain why I’m raging (why all of us are raging actually: it’s glorious to behold and I feel so blessed to experience the righteous fury of my spouses and friends) I personally feel like this particular person has literally pulled the embodiment of that “she doesn’t even go here” meme because whoa boy, their reblog does not belong here.

Now, in general I’m usually quite happy to let the morons roll on by like the sad little tumbleweeds of ignorance they are. But not when it’s on a post informing others of the behaviour and perception of gender/sex relations and treatment of characters in fandom. When you show up here and want to blame a single character who is flawed, especially just to venerate and excuse the behaviour of another flawed character... well, then I feel obligated to respond.

It’s not personal it is it’s just in my nature.

Okay so, first paragraph of their reblog (and subsequent stupid dialogue included) sums up the situation on Mustafar as ‘Padme should have been a good wife and sided with her genocidal husband who just helped wipe out thousands of lives (including children) bc she’s his wife’ and that ‘Obi-Wan is responsible bc he tried to do his duty as a Jedi’ and apparently that’s wrong as according to the Gospel of the Anakin Apologist.

Of course, they make a general, sweeping statement about Obi-Wan, describing him as a ‘fantastic space cop but an asshole friend and a person in general’ which, as I’m sure you’re all aware, shows a typical lack of understanding of what the Jedi are in universe, and also the background of Obi-Wan and Anakin’s interaction.

This isn’t unusual and I’m not gonna berate people for not knowing about the EU (Extended Universe) materials, or those damned benighted Junior Apprentice (JA) novels about Obi-Wan’s padawanship (and Anakin’s later on). The thing is though, there is plenty of information available about Obi-Wan, his background and so on on various websites -- Wookieepedia, to name but one -- so I don’t think it’s fair to be so quick to judge a character, any character, without understanding their background.

Even if this blogger is uninitiated into the ranks of SW lore and such, even if they only have the movies to go on, I still consider them to have a shockingly particular mindset and perspective of the relationship between the three protagonist characters.

So, here’s the thing, the below is a direct quote from their post. As you can see it’s... a particular perspective.

Padme should have sided with Anakin or Obi-Wan clearly when Anakin confronted her about Obi-Wan being on the ship, Obi-Wan killed Padme by appearing while they were talking, Padme might’ve been able to talk some sense into Anakin or join him, i guess Obi-Wan was afraid Padme would flip sides and decided to burst out with his “hello there” bullshit, if i was Padme i would have immediately said            “that fucker snuck on my ship i had nothing to do with this, take care of him my love!” or “oh shit, well i didn’t plan this Obi-Wan tag in!”            i know she was shocked and all that jazz but lady think on your feet, you went to meet your fugitive husband who just killed a academy full of space coplings on isolated planet and a space cop popped out of your trunk, use your words and use them quick! Anakin choking his wife in anger is understandable when you think of it from his perspective,           “ok im on the hide from the law(Jedi), ill contact my wife and get her to safety” “hi love i came alone as you asked”            “oh thank god for a moment i thought you might sympathize with the corrupt jedi” *Obi-Wan dumb ass pops out of the shadows* “hello there bitches!~~”            “wtf Padme?! you brought a cop to our meet out?! you do know i am wanted dead right!? You little bitch! i did this all so i could keep you alive and this is how you repay me? i killed younglings to get this power Padme fucking younglings! you ungrateful little bitch ill kill you!” “hey bro let her go you said you wanted to save her right? kind of doing the opposite right now”            “… god damn it i hate it when he is right, lets fight!”

First of all, they’re working on the assumption that Anakin was hiding from the Jedi. Second of all, that he was hiding from the Law(Jedi). Perhaps their memory has failed them, but I’ll provide a little breakdown of how the third movie actually went so they can understand that their initial narrative is... well, to put it plainly, ‘wrong and really wrong’.

1. Separatists vs Republic battle with Obi-Wan and Anakin going after Dooku. Dooku dies by Anakin’s hands after being disarmed (this is murder btw, rules of war mean that if your opponent loses or surrenders, then you don’t kill them -- this is generally considered a war crime). 

2. Obi-Wan and Anakin talk about stuff and then Obi-Wan heads off to chase Grievous alone. This is after Anakin has been put on the Council by Palpatine even though he’s only been a Knight for a while. The Jedi do not approve, Obi-Wan is cautious and advises Anakin to be careful (Anakin ignores him by the way and continues to be friendly with Palpatine).

4. While Obi-Wan is off after Grievous, Anakin has Palpatine’s identity revealed to him. Gets played into saving him from Mace and co in order to keep Padme alive (even though she isn’t dead by the way). Anakin then goes to the Temple with a collection of Clones and helps murder every Jedi there. He purposefully murders the children in the Council chambers. 

5. Obi-Wan is nearly killed after defeating Grievous because of Order 66. He escapes and hides. Meets up with Yoda and Bail. Goes to the Temple. Finds out that Anakin killed Jedi and is heartbroken by this fact. Then he goes to Padme after being tasked by his superior to go and defeat Anakin. He tells her the truth and she refuses to believe him.

6. Padme goes to meet with Anakin who is on Mustafar, drowning in his angst-ridden guilt of now having become an accomplice to genocide. Obi-Wan tags along, knowing that Anakin and Padme love each other so much that both would forsake their duties. He hides and Padme doesn’t know. Anakin doesn’t notice.

7. Padme rejects Anakin BEFORE Obi-Wan shows himself, because she realises he’s literally gone crazy. Then Anakin turns on Padme and chokes her into unconsciousness, even though she’s heavily pregnant and he ‘loves’ her. Obi-Wan gets Anakin to focus on him and they fight.

8. They fight to the point where Obi-Wan has the high-ground and Anakin does a stupid and gets his limbs cut off. Obi-Wan leaves him to burn to death (brutal) and goes to Padme. He takes her for treatment and instead watches one of his oldest friends die while her children are made into orphans.

9. Movie ends with Anakin becoming the giant suit version of Vader and Obi-Wan on Tattooine delivering Luke to his aunt and uncle.

Anakin isn’t evading the law, aka the Jedi, he’s killed them. Obi-Wan is the one evading the law because it wants him dead. Anakin is on Mustafar because Sidious told him to take out the Sep leadership. Padme meets him there after hearing the truth from Obi-Wan and only believes it when Anakin admits it himself. Then she rejects him. Obi-Wan does his duty as a Jedi -- sworn to destroy the Sith -- and the end is that Padme dies because Anakin loses his temper and lashes out at her.

I may be Anakin apologist but considering his situation he didn’t act out of character, id be pissed off too if i contacted my wife when i am in hiding and she brings a cop there (it seemed like that to Anakin since he didn’t know Obi-wan snuck on board) before i can explain myself to my wife

Firstly, you are an Anakin apologist and he did act out of character. His behaviour after discovering Sidious’ identity and stopping Mace from killing a Sith Lord is out of character. Anakin is a bright, kind and friendly child with a temper issue. Anakin is someone who hates injustice and despises the way some people are treated by others for no other reason than because of where they were born or who they were born to. He was a slave and then he became a Jedi; he went from victim to protector. His final character jump sent him from protector to oppressor. That’s not in character, that’s specifically cultivated and justified behaviour because he puts his own needs above absolutely everything else.

He also had the chance to explain to Padme. He didn’t deny what he did and Padme actively rejected him when she realised he wasn’t sorry for what he’d done ‘in the name of love’. You’re justifying abuse and don’t even realise it.

Think of it like this, in a galaxy where there are force powers etc shit you keep seeing horrible nightmares of your wife dying, your mother gets kidnapped by space isis and killed,             you butcher the village in retaliation and tell your wife about it, after which the greatest political figure of your “country” tells you that there is a way to save your wifes life from the faith that seems foretold (like someone offering you a cure for cancer when you think your wife has cancer),            the old dude tells you you have to do something to get the cure (equivalent would probably be extracting stem cells from kids spines or something lethal), well you love your wife and can’t let her die because love,            well you go and do the dirty deed like a loving husband would can’t let your honey bun die, now you’re kind of in hiding waiting for your old dude friend to wipe out the cops (rought shit but it will all be worth it when i save my wife from certain death),            you contact your wife and tell her to meet you in some backwater planet where you two can talk it out, you can tell her why you did it and you can finally save her from her faith, your wife finally arrives the joy we are finally together, listen wife the reason i killed the younglings is “Everybody down on the ground, the Jedi man has arrived!”,            all your efforts to get the cure, all you did in the name of saving your wife and she brings a cop to execute you (that’s what he thought and can’t blame him, how the fuck did she not know Obi-Wan snuck on board?)

Firstly, Shmi Skywalker was kidnapped and tortured by Tusken Raiders on Tattooine, not ‘Space ISIS’. The settlers on Tattooine are the proverbial invaders of a planet where the Tuskens are the natural species. So your metaphor is inaccurate and shows but a lack of understanding and also a clear desire to produce extreme sympathy for Anakin. We don’t know why the Tusken’s took Shmi but it’s generally considered unusual behaviour. We do know that they have attacked farms on Tattooine before and that they have been united by an ex-Jedi at one point when Obi-Wan was in exile. This is all we know. So you’re making an assumption that they’re evil terrorists when you don’t even have the material to back you up. 

Anakin killed an entire village of Tuskens, including women and children. There is no excuse for that. Unless you think it would be acceptable for a US soldier to execute the children in an Iraqi village because some of the inhabitants were part of Al Queda? 

Obi-Wan had already informed Anakin in Attack of the Clones that ‘dreams pass in time’ referring to Anakin’s recurring problems with his dreams about his mother. Anakin didn’t inform Obi-Wan of anything after that and so Obi-Wan has no knowledge. He tried to help, in his own way. Anakin’s behaviour and fear of what he dreamt about Padme drove him to extremes of behaviour -- the love he held for her is what destroyed him because he was so selfish as to refuse to let her go.

The dangers of attachment isn’t of falling in love, it’s in that love turning into obsession which is what happened with Anakin. Palpatine used Anakin’s fears of losing Padme to sway him into his service and with Mace’s death, sealed his fate and that of Padme. 

Do you honestly think Padme would have died had she not been choked into unconsciousness by her ‘loving’ husband on a boiling planet of death, after the revelation that her husband had willingly committed genocide because of his love for her? 

If you do then there’s no hope for you.

The dialogue of the Mustafar scene is below, read it and perhaps recognise that Anakin admits to having become obsessed with power and paranoid. Perhaps also recognise how Padme only rejects him after he says he’s going to overthrow the Chancellor and together they can rule the galaxy.

Padme: Obi-Wan told me terrible things Anakin: What things? Padme: He said, you’d turned to the Dark Side. That you... killed younglings? Anakin: Obi-Wan is trying to turn you against me Padme: He cares about us Anakin: Us? Padme: He knows. He wants to help you... Anakin, all I want is your love Anakin: Love won’t save you Padme, only my new powers can do that Padme: At what cost? You’re a good person, don’t do this! Anakin: I won’t lose you the way I lost my mother. I am becoming more powerful than any Jedi has ever dreamed of. And I’m doing it for you. To protect you Padme: Come away with me. Help me raise our child. Leave everything else behind while we still can! Anakin: Don’t you see? We don’t have to run away anymore. I have brought peace to the Republic. I am more powerful than the Chancellor. I- I can overthrow him. And together you and I can rule the galaxy. Make things the way we want them to be Padme: [backs away, shaking head] I don’t believe what I’m hearing. Obi-Wan was right, you’ve changed Anakin: I don’t want to hear any more about Obi-Wan. The Jedi turned against me, don’t you turn against me Padme: I don’t know you any more. Anakin... you’re breaking my heart. You’re going down a path I can’t follow Anakin: Because of Obi-Wan?  Padme: Because of what you’ve done! What you plan to do! Stop! Stop now! Come back! I love you! Anakin: LIAR! Padme: No! Anakin: You’re with him! You brought him here to kill me! [Starts choking HIS WIFE] Obi-Wan: Let her go Anakin!

The end of this interaction is that Padme rejects Anakin for going power-mad, Anakin admits he’s become a stranger to her and then attacks her over a perceived betrayal -- out of character for someone who at the beginning of the movie thought Padme might have been cheating on him and then APOLOGISED for thinking such things in the first place. 

In conclusion to your post that I’m not going to ever reblog, but will link here so others can read it in full, I have to say that your ending paragraph is... well, a fantastic example of selective thinking and something I daresay several of my friends from my psych classes would have had a field day with the dispositional and situational bias you exhibit.

who nearly killed Anakin and Padme? Obi-wan freaking Kenobi, well done douchebag, be sure to lie to his son that Vader killed Anakin to pit a son against his own father, Obi-wan was a fantastic space cop but an asshole friend and a person in general, dude is the reason Luke’s father is a space cyborg and Padme is a corpse, but that’s not all let’s turn their son into a space cop and tell him to kill daddy cyborg, he’ll never know it was his father, if he did this could really backfire but who gives a shit ill probs be dead by then