#speaking of mal i think his and alina's falling out feels a little stronger in the book bc of this

[deanpinterester]

still slowly going through my sab book 2 and season 2 reread / rewatch and i think they made alina a little too nice and palatable in the show, which is odd since it's the one the fully made alina go dark side. book!alina straight up gets mean. like, "loses her temper and nearly slices someone in half" mean. "threatens to hurt baghra for information about the firebird" mean. she doesn't even turn evil in the books. in the show i think she just snaps at mal one time.

[greensaplinggrace]

.........anyways, talk to me about how after 500 years, mal and darkling still can't say 'i love you' without making it a) sound like a joke, b) sound like a threat OR c) one of them being 'this' close to dying

I love how you send me this ask and then have the gall to ask me if I'm okay in the tags of my (admittedly very chaotic) Malarklina post! Like wtf this is so angsty! I mean it's also some great insight into their characters and their relationships with the word love, specifically in regards to each other. But now you've given me Emotions (tm) about these two idiots and I can't stop thinking about this.

Anyways, Mal says it first.

For weeks he's planned it: the perfect moment, the perfect words. He'll take Aleksander out to a field of blue irises and lay a quilt atop the grass. Then he'll lay Aleksander upon it.

It will be intimate and tender. Like Mal's done with Alina hundreds of times before and Aleksander has done the same in turn, the both of them speaking softly into her ear, bodies pressed so tightly together.

Except this time, the words won't be for Alina.

This time, Mal will take the other man into his arms as they always do at night. He will press kisses into Aleksander's skin, tell him that he's beautiful, that he's special, that he's wicked and kind and tastes of chocolate. And then Mal will tell him - he will. In that perfect, beautiful moment, he'll tell Aleksander he loves him.

The trip is planned for tomorrow afternoon, supplies packed and horses readied. Mal is nervous, palms sweating. Even after hundreds of years his heart still races like a lovestruck teenager when he thinks of them. It is an emotion he'd thought he'd lose as he grew older. One that has instead grown stronger, fiercer, more debilitating than ever.

His mouth tastes of sand and his mind flashes to their long, drawn out history. All of the ups and downs and violent, deadly strikes at each other's weaknesses. He thinks of Aleksander's scars and Alina's hair and the mark of an arrow just a hairs breadth away from his own soft heart - things he should be over by now. But he's not, and Aleksander's not. And they are all, probably, not.

So Mal is nervous and excited and maybe a little bit in love. He wipes his sweaty palms on his pants and reminds his racing heart of the way Aleksander had brushed his hair from his forehead the other night, fingertips feather light against Mal's skin and expression softened by adoration. He reminds himself of the way Aleksander had tucked his face into Alina's neck and curled around her under the covers, Mal's hand pulled over his side and held tightly to his chest.

Mal doesn't have to remind himself that he loves Aleksander. That one comes like breathing.

All he has to do is say it.

Aleksander is himself, of course, the night before. Not at all nervous. Instead watchful and sharp, slate grey eyes following Mal around the house in dedicated vigil. He's trying Mal's patience, ready to pounce on any piece of information Mal might let slip about his plans - observing and waiting under the likely impression that he appears the predator - but Mal has known this man for centuries and finds himself only amused by the evidence that Aleksander is dreadfully curious.

Mal raises a brow at the other man's impenetrable gaze and reveals nothing. Aleksander goes to bed frustrated that night, and Mal can't say that either he or Alina are unhappy with the development.

The next day, they ride out on a bright, sunny morning. The wind ruffles Aleksander's hair and puts a blush on his cheeks. Mal imagines that he looks much the same, grinning widely over at the other man, heart pounding, as they ride all the way to the meadow.

Then he spreads out the quilt, lays Aleksander upon it, and presses kisses into his skin.

And that is all he can do with his mouth, for the entire afternoon, words dead on his tongue.

He does not say it.

He cannot say it.

They return home later that night pleased and sated, quiet, with the words, as always, left unspoken between them.

---

Afterward, the months pass in a blank, formless blur. Mal tries to focus on other things, like patching the roof of their small cottage and tending to the garden and dedicating inordinate amounts of time to making both Alina and Aleksander flush. He tries very hard not to think about that day, and the night before, and how certain he'd been of his bravery.

He feels like a coward.

And then the riders come, with swords and guns and fire, burning their life to ground in an instant, and suddenly Mal doesn't have the time to feel much of anything anymore. He runs from the house, pulled along by Alina and pulling her in turn, barely dodging the whistle of a bullet, and thanks every Saint he can remember for the sight of Aleksander's dark figure at the treeline.

Zhenya is a beauty of a horse, strong and lean with a coat of pure silken white. Aleksander tugs at her reigns to calm her, seated upon Ilya at her side, and wastes no time in turning them both in the only direction they can flee as Mal pulls himself and Alina onto Zhenya's saddle.

Alina turns with a whip of her hands, brilliant light blinding their pursuers, and Mal follows the blackened trail of shadows that coalesce all around them.

Hoofbeats chase them for miles, the sound of pursuit relentless and daunting. Mal doesn't have his bow; he doesn't have his gun. Alina shivers against him in the cool night air wearing nothing but a thin shift, and Aleksander looms ahead of them dark and dangerous but ever so weary, haunted by weeks of insomnia and nights spent awake.

They are going to die. His partners. The people he loves.

They are not ready for this.

And they aren't ready for the cliff, either - the end of the forest and the sudden break in the earth. Aleksander shouts, Ilya rearing, and Mal only has a moment to even think to pull on Zhenya's reigns before she's bucking, whinnying in terror, and Mal is sent flying through the air.

He hits the ground with a curse, tumbling forward and scrambling desperately at the loose dirt for anything to halt his progress. There's nothing - nothing - and everything goes white.

"Alina," he gasps, mind blank except for the sheer, mind numbing terror that she could already be gone. And when he finally reaches the cliffside and the floor falls out from underneath him, all he can do is feel his heart plummet to his stomach.

He chokes out a yell and clenches his eyes shut, still reaching for anything that could keep him here by Alina's side - by Aleksander's side. Then a hand closes around his wrist, grip hot and hard and painful, and Mal is met quite suddenly with the solid ground again as his face meets the cliffside.

He swings for a second in the air, attempting to find purchase along the rocks with his feet, and looks up to see Aleksander above him. The man is wide-eyed, lips parted, staring down at him as if his entire world is coming to an end, fingers white with the strength of his hold on Mal, and Mal thinks for one bright, clarifying second that oh, this is what true fear looks like.

He wonders blankly if Alina would have seen it on himself not two seconds ago when he'd believed her dead.

"Don't let go," Aleksander tells him - demands of him, the controlling bastard.

He's looking for a promise, Mal realizes. But his voice is shaking, arms unsteady, cheek painted in red. Blood drips down his chin from a wound on his forehead, face pressed against the cool earth and eyelashes fluttering. His grip on the edge of the cliff is weak at best, and Alina's shouting voice is too far away to share some of the weight.

We're going to fall.

"We're going to fall."

Aleksander blinks at him for a second, bleary eyed. Then he swallows, breaths coming out shorter, heavier. Mal's known him long enough to realize when panic is setting in. "What?"

"I'm sorry," Mal tells him, because he is. Because he wants nothing more than to be with these people forever.

Alina, he thinks again, and wishes fervently that she were here.

Aleksander is shaking his head, swallowing roughly, lips forming a pained, desperate "no." But no sound slips out. His grasp slips, fingers loosening, and Mal can see him straining to keep them both in place.

"I love you," Mal breathes out, overcome with the sudden desire to say it again and again every day for the rest of their lives. "I love you. I'm sorry. I love you."

"No!" Aleksander roars furiously, eyes wide and expression stricken, thunder cracking in a blackened sky.

Mal lets go.

Aleksander exhales sharply, face going white as his grip slackens, fingers grasping at nothing but air. "N-no."

And Mal falls.

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

I’ve been having nikolina feels lately and came across your fake engagement au and WOW wow wow I loved it! ❤️

The trope itself is hardly new (and not even one that I like much) but your set-up is *very* intriguing. Like, I have so many different thoughts about it – 1. Like the idea of Alina being at court+little palace longer and as consequence getting more accustomed to and comfortable with it and her role and position (and more mature too).

2. Wonder how the falling out with Darkling would happen in this universe. I mean, even if she suddenly find out about his plans, I don’t feel like this Alina would just run? She’s older and less brash + her added connection to royal family/grand palace via Nikolai. And considering the darklina in the 3rd part would she even really oppose him? Or would she be ok with everything and work with him?

3. Speaking of Nikolina! After the 2nd part the way I saw it unfolding now that they’re kinda seeing each other in a new light – the more they consider and think on it, the more feels they catch and at some point both would be like “shit, now I wanna marry him/her because I’m in love, but he/she will only agree bcs ‘I’m alright enough’ and I don’t want that” and they would circle each other never breaking the engagement but also never pushing it further and not confessing their feelings until Darkling shows his hand and one (or both of them) almost die. But after the 3rd part? Idk man. Would she go along with Darkling’s plan of marrying Nikolai and helping Darkles manipulate him, but would grow to love him and simultaneously start to disagree with Darkling more and more and turn on him in the end? Or would they still have their canon-ish fall out and it would go back to route 1?

Also it’s certainly a ‘Mal who?’ universe lol

Ok, sorry for rambling 😅 it’s just a very engaging au

(Re: this drabble collection)

Awww thank you SO MUCH that is so sweet!! This makes my entire week ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Same tbh! This isn’t a trope I usually write at all. I’ve kind of just been continuing it from reader requests so I’m along for the ride as well aha. I always wanted a version though where Alina stays in the Little Palace longer and has stronger emotional investment in what she thinks her role is and what the Darkling’s told her. I always felt like it was a cop out where, after hearing Baghra’s warning, Alina is barely even a little conflicted! She just runs away with barely a second thought!

And I don’t know I’ve been wondering how she would find out in this verse! Apparently Baghra didn’t show up after the fete in this lol. I’ve been thinking about how things might just go sour with Darklina where he’s like “no keep the engagement” and then she does! exactly what he told her to! but then he gets jealous anyway lmao like maybe the bit with the collar has overtones of romantic possessiveness (or well more of it) this time around?

I definitely agree that she wouldn’t run. Like at this point I think she’s in love with him. And he’s had way longer to groom her and make sure her opinions and world view are what he wants them to be. He’s had longer to sink his claws in, and there’s just much more investment and personal loyalty there. I don’t think she would be *okay* with his plan to weaponize the Shadow Fold lol but I think she would think she can talk him out of it somehow? Or at least try to? And you’re right, she’s personally way more established at court, so she could try politicking her way out of this mess first. Regardless I think she’d at least try other avenues before making a run for it.

And omg those Nikolina ideas are very fun! Truth be told, I don’t have a lot figured out for this verse. I’ve mostly just been adding to it as people request scenes. And I haven’t had any other requests for it so I haven’t worked on much more! But I could see a combination of both working out tbh?

I could see them both catching feelings and each thinking it’s unrequited/simply a marriage of convenience. I think she’s going to at least try to listen to the Darkling but she might drag her feet. I don’t think she’d be really comfortable with manipulating Nikolai the way he wants her to. And that might be a big fracture point.

Also neither of them really know about Nikolai’s exploits as Sturmhond. Or anything about him tbh. I don’t think he’s as malleable as the Darkling might want him to be in the first place. So if it’s clear that Alina’s not doing much in the manipulate Nikolai department (Perhaps she quietly breaks off the engagement bc guilt? And he’s like okay there’s clearly more going on here, please tell me, but she won’t?) then if the Tsar does something particularly annoying, the Darkling could either have him incapacitated and very obviously on the brink of death like in canon or maybe he just outright kills him? I guess it just depends on the level of chaos he’d want to cause. Maybe he pins it on the Apparat! Idk! Or they’re just like “well it was clearly Someone, we cannot trust anyone at court”

And then when the only other option is Vasily, Nikolai knows he needs to step up? Which opens things up for a VERY awkward conversation with all three of them, where the Darkling is like “sooo *we* will support your claim if you turn a blind eye to our… arrangement :)” and Nikolai is like “I want to die! but okay!” And meanwhile Alina’s extremely conflicted and she’s suspicious that the Darkling’s being Weird but she’s getting to have her cake and eat it too atm so she isn’t going to disrupt it just yet? And yeah it probably gets more and more complicated with the catching of feelings.

Idk I just want more of a dynamic with Nikolai and the Darkling. I’m still sad we never really got much from canon, even in KoS. I just think their interactions and clashes could be really interesting.

and LOL YEAH Mal? Never heard of him! My convenient explanation for why the hunt for the stag is taking so long is that Mal never signed up for the assignment. So as a result he also hasn’t crossed paths with Alina since her being discovered as the Sun Summoner and we don’t have to deal with his bullshit 😂

And omg no need to apologize! Long comments are absolutely delightful! I love hearing people’s thoughts.

[thelavendercrows]

My Review of Netflix’s Shadow and Bone! (show-only watchers beware, I spoil minor stuff about the books)

So! Shadow and Bone came out - og book fans will know it depicts the story of the first instalment of the Shadow and Bone trilogy, along with new unseen prequel content for Six of Crows. Some things are intentionally shifted around, especially in terms of timeline and who meets who, but if I had to quickly summarise my thoughts: THAT WAS SO GOOD! Sorry in advance if this review is absolutely incomprehensible!!!

Part 1: Characters

Alina - making her more assuredly half-Shu seemed to work, though I can’t speak on the topic as I am a pasty bitch. Otherwise, Alina remained largely the same and I’m here for it - she was already a pretty interesting protagonist imo. Nothing but love for Jessie’s performance, I loved seeing Alina’s growing confidence though I wish there were more training scenes. 

Mal - they made him so much more interesting. Archie brought a lot to the character, and even though seeing Mal get fucked up every episode was a tad repetitive, I think it made him far more sympathetic and actually showed us that awful suffering he mentioned in the first book. Seeing his close friends die was just an incredibly powerful scene, and Malina feels a lot stronger with Mal being a more rounded character.

The Darkling - just because I dislike Darklina doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the Darkling as a character. While I dislike that he revealed his true name so casually, that he and Alina seemed to fall for each other so quickly (I liked it better in the book because she had more training scenes, indicating more time had passed for their relationship to develop), and that they removed “the problem with wanting is that it makes us weak” line, I do enjoy Ben’s portrayal of the character. He was rendered a little pathetic by the Crows, but I do love the Crows so I’ll excuse it. Where his character really shined is with the flashback scenes and his interactions with Baghra. I’m very interested to see what they do with him next. 

Kaz - a lot of people have said Kaz is a lot softer than we’re used to. I agree, but it makes sense. Kaz was that mean but well meaning leader at the start of Six of Crows - he was only made harsher as he was forced to confront his traumas, and go on a difficult heist. Also, I think it gives a bit of context to why he and Inej end up having feelings for each other. We know in the books that they worked closely together for a long time, but actually seeing those moments makes all the difference. Freddy did an amazing job showing Kaz’s rough exterior battling his inner demons.

Inej - amazing, 10/10, can’t applaud Amita enough. I’m not sure about the choice to give Inej a brother? It could cause more grief later but it’s another weirdly jarring difference from the book. However! Inej was done perfectly in the show in my opinion. We see her stealth, knife and acrobatic skills, we see her initial horror at taking her first kill (amazing scene) and her motivations and religious beliefs are not ignored in favour of pairing her off with Kaz immediately. I do wish they kept Kaz gifting her that knife instead of Alina though. I always wanted to see that scene.

Jesper - DID YOU MEAN STAR OF THE GOD DAMN SHOW? Normally a comedic relief character has me rolling my eyes, but it makes all the difference that Jesper actually has troubles and flaws and motivations and HILARIOUS DIALOGUE. I love him. Kit Young did such a good job, he played Jesper perfectly and I also love the foreshadowing of Wylan’s appearance! Love love love Jesper. A+. Also he is bisexual look at him go!!! Representation!!!

Others: NINA AND MATTHIAS ARE AMAZING!!! ENEMIES TO LOVERS A+ EVEN IF THE TIMELINE IS ALL WEIRD. David and Genya. My loves. Perfect. A+ as well. Nadia, amazing. Very gay. Not sure why they killed Marie off like that. Pekka is scary but why did they make him kinda hot? Milo is my hero. I would die for Fedyor. ZOYA?? That is not my Zoya. Why did they make her say something racist to Alina when she herself is mixed race. Zoya would never. But all the actors did a great job even if the characters were a little different. 

Part 2: Plot

The rest of these parts should be shorter. So, the plot is mostly the same in terms of Shadow and Bone, but the stuff for the crows is all new and some parts of the story were changed to include them. While the crows on their own were amazing, I think the parts where they interacted with the Shadow and Bone cast felt forced and added some good moments at best, or actively damaged other characters at worst. For instance, Inej witnessing Alina was amazing. But Kaz outsmarting the Darkling, while it made sense, just lessened the Darkling as a threat. Otherwise I think everything was really good! The new Crows stuff was brilliant on its own, even if Nina and Matthias’ story was moved forward I still adored it, and Shadow and Bone stayed loyal enough to the books in terms of plot to remain engaging.

Part 3: Worldbuilding

My main concern about the show was how they would handle the language differences, but they did a great job. Like, they had Fjerdans speak in their own language, they made a new alphabet for Ravkan? I think they know what they’re doing. Seeing the Crows and the Shadow and Bone cast communicate in the same language didn’t really make sense but that’s just a nitpick.

Also, all the settings look amazing. Not much to say, they’re just great.

Part 4: Effects

Music, perfect, visuals, great (the volcras look amazing but Alina’s light power looked a little...fake), costume design and props, best I’ve ever seen. Enough said.

Part 5: Final thoughts

When a book is adapted into a show or film, I usually just assume that it will serve its purpose, maybe be a little frustrating or terrible at worst, and go. Shadow and Bone though, it adapts the books faithfully while still including worthwhile changes. It isn’t perfect, but it comes close. I imagine show-only watchers will like it a lot. 

Alternative take: Jesper and Milo carried the whole thing. Goodbye.

[x-fern-weh-x]

my favorite grishaverse quotes - part three: nikolai duology

"Zoya of the lost city. Zoya of the garden. Zoya bleeding in the snow. You are strong enough to survive the fall." (King of Scars)

"This is what love does. In the stories, love healed your wounds, fixed what was broken, allowed you to go on. But love wasn’t a spell, some kind of benediction to be whispered, a balm or a cure-all. It was a single, fragile thread, which grew stronger through connection, through shared hardship and trust." (Rule of Wolves)

"Most of us can hide our greatest hurts and longings. It’s how we survive each day. We pretend the pain isn’t there, that we are made of scars instead of wounds." (King of Scars)

"'Get a message to the Crow Club,' she said. 'Tell Kaz Brekker the queen of Ravka has a job for him.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"Do that thing you do where you use too many words to say something simple and confuse the issue." (King of Scars)

"'I’m not supposed to let you in,' Jesper said. Brekker seemed unperturbed. 'Why not?' 'Because every time I do, you ask me to break the law.' A voice from behind Jesper said, 'The problem isn’t that he asks, it’s that you always say yes.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"'Say something spiteful.' "'Why?' she asked faintly. "'Because I’m fairly certain I'm hallucinating and in my dreams you're much nicer.'" (King of Scars)

"Because I am greedy for the sight of you. Because the prospect of facing this war, this loss, without you fills me with fear. Because I find I don’t want to fight for a future if I can’t find a way to make a future with you." (Rule of Wolves)

"It's not exciting if nothing can go wrong." (King of Scars)

"I would choose you, Zoya. As my general, as my friend, as my bride. I would give you a sapphire the size of an acorn. And all I would ask in return is that you wear this damnable ribbon in your hair on our wedding day." (Rule of Wolves)

"Everyone mourns the first blossom. Who will grieve the rest who fall?" (King of Scars)

"'I have to bathe. I smell like a forest fire.' 'You smell like wildflowers. You always do. What can I say to make you stay?' His words trailed off into a drowsy mumble as he fell back asleep. 'Tell me it’s more than war and worry that makes you speak those words. Tell me what they would mean if you weren’t a king and I weren’t a soldier.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"Remember who you are. Nikolai knew. He was a king who had only begun to make mistakes. He was a solider for whom the war would never be over. He was a bastard left alone in the woods. And he was not afraid to die this day." (King of Scars)

"Maybe the gift of being human is that we do not give up- even when all hope is lost." (Rule of Wolves)

"They would build a new world together. But first they had to burn the old one down." (King of Scars)

"The world might crumble, but Nikolai Lantsov would be holding up the ceiling with one hand and plucking a speck of dirt from his lapel with the other when it all went to ruin." (Rule of Wolves)

"'Yuri Veneden, if you upset my wife again, I will kill you where you stand.' The monk swallowed. 'Yes, moi soverenyi.' 'Oh, David,' Genya said, taking his hand. 'You've never theatened to murder anyone for me before.'" (King of Scars)

"Go home and tell them what you've seen, Nikolai thought as the demon soared through the night. Make them believe you. Tell them the demon king rules Ravka now and vengeance is coming." (Rule of Wolves)

"She wished she had Inej’s gift for spywork or Kaz’s gift for scheming, but she only seemed to have Jesper’s gift for bad decisions." (King of Scars)

"Let the hounds give chase. I do not fear death, because I command it." (Rule of Wolves)

"'Will you be taking up juggling as well?' 'Don't be ridiculous,' Nikolai replied. 'I already know how to juggle. Literally and figuratively.'" (King of Scars)

"'This is a bad idea,' moped Adrik. 'I have a surplus of bad ideas,' said Nikolai. 'I have to spend them somewhere.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"He would not find another excuse to get her talking again. He would not tell her he was afraid to be left alone with the thing he might become, and he would not ask her to leave the lamp burning, a child's bit of magic to ward off the dark. But he was relieved when she did it anyway.” (King of Scars)

"The Darkling's gray eyes studied Mal with more interest than he'd ever shown before. 'I understand we're blood related.' Mal shrugged. 'We all have relatives we don't like.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"Zoya's company was like strong drink. Bracing--and best to abstain if you couldn't handle the kick.” (King of Scars)

"'Don't get ahead of yourself,' Zoya said. 'Nikolai hasn't asked.' 'Can you blame him?' Genya said. 'He hasn't had much luck with proposals.' Alina snorted. 'Maybe he should have offered me a dynasty and not a piddly little emerald.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"'Hand me that brandy,' said Zoya. 'I can’t tolerate this degree of stupidity on a clear head.'" (King of Scars)

"'Is it the shadow inside you that makes you brave?' 'I should hope not. I was making bad decisions long before that thing showed up.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"'That squash is as wide as I am tall,' Nikolai said beneath his breath as he smiled and waved. 'And twice as handsome.' 'Half as handsome,' he protested. 'Ah,' said Zoya, 'but the squash doesn't talk.'" (King of Scars)

"I'll tell you a thousand stories, my love. We'll write the new endings, one by one." (Rule of Wolves)

"After all this time, she still had not found an end to her grief. It was a dark well, an echoing place into which she’d once cast a stone, sure that it would strike bottom and she would stop hurting. Instead, it just kept falling. She forgot about the stone, forgot about the well, sometimes for days or even weeks at a time. Then she would think Liliyana’s name, or her eye would pause on the little boat painted on her bedroom wall, its two-starred flag frozen in the wind. She’d sit down to write a letter and realize she had no one to write to, and the quiet that surrounded her became the silence of the well, of the stone still falling." (King of Scars)

"I would make you my queen because I want you. I want you all the time." (Rule of Wolves)

"'Eat, Your Highness.' 'Everything tastes like doom,' he whispered. 'Then add salt.'" (King of Scars)

"Ravka made me a soldier. Ketterdam made me a spy. Hanne can help me become something else entirely." (King of Scars)

"'You do realize you just referred to yourself as the queen. That means you agreed.' 'I am going to kill you.' 'So long as you kiss me again before you do.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"'I'm fairly sure you're trying to frighten me,' said Nikolai, reaching out a finger to touch the tip of the thorn. 'I'm not sure why, but may I suggest a spider wearing a suit?' 'Why a suit?' asked Zoya, frowning. 'Why not just a spider?' 'Where did he get the suit? How did he fasten the buttons? Why does he feel the need to dress for the occasion?'" (King of Scars)

"'Your heart is in your eyes, Your Highness,' murmured Tamar, wiping the sweat from her brow. Tolya poled his twin in the arm with a sparring sword. 'Tamar knows because that's the way she looks at her wife' 'I am free to look at my wife any way I please.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"In Nikolai's experience, honesty was much like herbal tea - something well-meaning people recommended when they were out of better options." (King of Scars)

"We would go on, you and I. If I couldn't be queen, you would find a way to win this battle and save this country. You would make a sheltering place for my people. You would march an bleed and crack terrible jokes until you had done all you said you would. I suppose that's why I love you." (Rule of Wolves)

"'I think fatigue suits you, Zoya. The pallor. The shadows beneath your eyes. You look like a heroine in a novel.' 'I look like a woman about to step on your foot.' 'Now, now. You're managing remarkably well. And the smiling hasn't killed you yet.' 'Yet.'" (King of Scars)

"'Why does it matter?' asked Nikolai. 'Because unlike Kaz, I have a conscience.' 'I have a conscience,' said Kaz. 'It just knows when to keep its mouth shut.' Jesper snorted. 'If you have a conscience, it’s gagged and tied to a chair somewhere.'" (Rule of Wolves)

"So you know the best way to find Grisha who don't want to be found? Look for miracles and listen to bedtime stories." (King of Scars)

"'Of course it won’t last,' said Zoya. 'What does?' 'True love?' suggested Tamar. 'Great art?' said Tolya. 'A proper grudge,' replied Zoya" (Rule of Wolves)

[waters-alma]

All That I Ask

Alina felt the absence of the light, the vacant space in her chest rotting away inside of her. None of them had expected this, the price of losing her power. It had been glorious the way it left her to bless the otkazat'sya, her final act as a saint, but no one expected the sickness that came later, the decay that ripped through her once healthy body.

It had laid dormant for a few months and Alina chalked her quickening exhaustion and fatigue to the loss, after all she had been used to the constant hum of energy within her. But as her skin began to dry and crack at the smallest breeze, her white hair turning brittle and dull far too quickly for comfort, Mal had suspected something much darker. He summoned their friends to Karamzin, desperate for a tonic or tincture to ease the symptoms until Alina’s body grew used to the absence.

“Grisha draw strength from their power,” Genya hummed, “It’s normal that lack of use would deteriorate the body,”

Alina sat on a chair, all too thin and breath too laboured for comfort. She knew, deep inside, that something was very wrong inside of her and she knew exactly what it was. Alina refused to even think it, but soon enough her friends would come to the same conclusion and that would be that. She watched them silently, sadly, avoiding Nikolai’s steady gaze from across the room.

“But Alina has no power to summon, anymore,” David spoke softly, an apologetic look in his eyes as he glanced at his friend. No one wanted to remind Alina of what she had lost but it was all too obvious.

“She’s an otkazat'sya-“

“No, she isn’t,” Zoya snapped, cutting Mal off, “She never was,”

“It’s not something you can swap between, Mal,” Genya’s voice dropped, “Grisha is who you are, we don’t get sick, we get stronger. A Grisha has never lost their power before, that we know of, and the thought of it alone is… terrifying,”

“So if simply not using the power severely weakens a Grisha,” Nikolai said stiffly, his expression unreadable as he turned his black gaze on Genya, “What would it be like to have it torn from you?”

His words sent shivers down everyones spine. Torn from you, the phrasing was brutal, but accurate in Alina’s mind. She could feel the fraying edges in her chest, tickling her insides and polluting her blood. She could hear Genya prattle on about tests and healers, Nikolai insisting on moving Alina to the Grand Palace but she tuned them out, it was hard to focus when she couldn’t feel her heart beat in her chest, when the only sound in her ribs was a death rattle. It was ironic, really, how less than a year ago she had been faced with an endless expanse of time in front of her, and now Alina’s own mortality was something she was so aware of that she had to choke down a laugh at the thought.

“I’m going to die,” Alina whispered, and silence was deafening around her as stunned eyes glistened with fear, “I can feel it,”

Mal stormed out of the room, doors slamming behind him. Zoya’s jaw tightened as her whole body stiffened. Genya’s green eye overflowed with tears as she laced her finger’s with David’s, continuing her planning with a stoney-eyed Nikolai.

—

Alina was stuck in a period where everything had gone downhill but she couldn’t find the strength to care. She was falling to pieces bit by burning bit and it was only a matter of time before she was gone completely, her bones turned to ash and whatever memory held of her fading more and more with each passing day.

“What does it feel like?” a healer asked her, documenting each and every little thing.

“Like i’m dying,” Alina smiled, the absence hadn’t taken her sense of humour.

“Now now, sunshine,” Nikolai’s smile was crooked, amused, “as much as i love your wit, this might be the time for an actual answer,”

Alina knew it hurt him to use the nickname. She was less sunshine and more graveyard these days.

“I can feel the absence expanding,” Alina hated the way people looked at her now, “winding it’s way through my system. Yesterday it was down my forearm and today it’s reached the very tips of my fingers, curled around my bones like vines,”

That’s how it was when you were dying, when you could feel every little thing the sickness was taking from you. Except Alina could see what it was taking from everyone else, too.

“I can feel my insides shutting down,” she finished, keeping her eyes locked with Nikolai’s.

Alina used to wonder why this was happening, her power had left her, not the other way around. Saints knew she’d use it if she could but that’s not how this worked. She had to pay a price for using the third amplifier and that’s exactly what she was doing. Alina tried to block out the sadness around her, letting the healers and Genya do whatever they needed to her, she let David hook her up to strange machines that monitored her heart-rate and vital signs, rigging it to set off alarms at the slightest sign of danger so she could be watched 24/7.

She tried to block out the girls she saw Mal lead up to his room every night, he was dealing and that’s all she could ask for, though she didn’t hide her disgust. Nikolai stayed close by her side, never showing his pain or grief, even has he held her hair back as she vomited anything her stomach managed to let go of. Sometimes it was food she’d somehow been able to keep down for little while, other times it was blood, though neither seemed to faze him.

Nikolai looked at her like she was still Alina, sick and pale and tired looking, but still the Alina he had come to love. For once she was going to allow herself to lean on that because she had to feel her life slowly slip away and, saints she was going to be gone soon and she didn’t want to die alone. Mal had come to find solace in the arms of other women and Alina didn’t blame him, better he start to move on while she was still here to try and hate him, because no one felt sad when someone who despised you died. He had been there when the healers had given their best approximation for the time she had left, and he celebrated by drowning himself in whatever poison was strong enough to numb the pain, usually kvas, because if Alina couldn’t drink herself into oblivion then he was more than happy to do it for her. She had moved into a separate bedroom as the floor piled high with empty bottles and underthings from strange women, Genya creating a place for herself on the daybed she dragged away from the window. The sunlight only served to tease them, it seemed.

Nikolai was the only one who let her speak about her death freely. He was already grieving her, getting his chance to say goodbye while she was here to allow him to let her go.

“I’m so tired of trying to hold it together,” Alina whispered, hands shaking as she stared at the grey veins that snaked under her skin, “I know I’m never going to get better, I just need them to see that,”

“They will, sweetheart,” Nikolai traced the skeins of darkness under her skin, “They just need time,”

“I can’t wait around for them to be ready. I can’t even remember the last time I felt anything other than pain, Nikolai, I just want to be done,”

Alina heard the man beside her suck in a shaky breath.

“It was a great world we lived in. I loved you so much I thought I would break for it,” Nikolai’s voice was smooth, even and eloquent as ever, “you were a light that never dimmed,”

Alina didn’t miss how he spoke about her in past tense, it put her at ease, even as Nikolai kept his head down, ankles crossed and back straight as he leaned against the pillows at his back.

“Some people have a beauty in the simplest of movements. I could spend hours finding oceans in the whorls of your fingertips. Every part of you was a mystery, a delight, a gift, Alina,” Nikolai gently placed a finger under her chin, lifting her gaze to meet his. His hazel eyes were sad, glistening with tears as he leaned in to place a kiss on her forehead so gentle she wasn’t sure if she even felt it. “Say your goodbyes, sunshine, and be done. You deserve anything your broken little heart desires, even if it is an ending,”

Alina brushed her fingers across Nikolai’s cheek, smiling softly as he closed his eyes and leaned into her.

“Thank you” she whispered. She wouldn’t say that she loved him, she wouldn’t say it to anyone these days, the words only brought more unnecessary pain.

Alina slipped down from her bed, leaving Nikolai to collect himself in private. He would be okay, she had faith in him to guide the others into acceptance, to understand her thoughts. Alina swayed on her feet, desperately trying to ignore the nausea that swirled through her body. She made her way down the hall, every ounce of her being telling her to turn back, that she didn’t want to do this because she was going to die tonight and Mal was going to be okay, he was going to live and she couldn’t help but resent him a little for that.

The door was ajar and Mal sat at the foot of his bed, his head buried in his hands. Alina cleared her throat and he shot up to meet her gaze, his eyes bloodshot and broken as he stared back at her. He dared not say anything as he slipped back on the bed, resting against the headboard as he held his arms out to her.

Alina sucked in a deep breath, steeling what was left of her heart as she crawled onto the bed beside him, breath coming in short pants as she laid her head against his chest. Alina ignored the scattered bottles of whiskey and kvas that littered the floor, the shattered glasses and the way his shoulders shook ever so slightly. Her skin prickled with goosebumps, she felt wrong in so many ways because she was the one dying and yet Alina could see pieces falling off of Mal and settling in her lap, like he was telling her to take them with her to the grave.

“I don’t know what to say,” she whispered, squeezing his hand as tightly as she could.

“Then don’t say anything,” Mal replied, voice rough and thick with tears, “Let’s just sit here and pretend like we’re not scared of what happens next,”

Alina nodded, he seemed to know what she was going to do, but the silence lasted a whole of six seconds before he was talking once again.

“Hold me,” he whispered and Alina froze.

“Mal-“

“Please, if this is my last night with you then all I ask is that this is the way I remember us,” his voice hitched in his throat and Alina couldn’t bring herself to look up at him, she tried too hard to steel herself against her feelings for him to breakdown now, “I’m not asking for forgiveness, but it matters how tonight ends. It matters how we end,”

Alina nodded, thankful for the way Mal moved swiftly, turning his head away from her as he laid down on his pillows. Alina wrapped her arms around his waist and she couldn’t help but find it amusing that she was the big spoon.

She buried her face in the hair at the nape of his neck, inhaling his familiar scent and suddenly Alina felt tears slide down her cheeks. She didn’t nothing to stop them, settling for tightening her hold on Mal, trying her hardest to keep him from falling apart as he curled up in her arms.