#soupedepates

[cy-lindric]

Salut ! Je viens de voir ton post au cloître du Puy-en-Velay et ça me rend tout fuzzy de voir que ma ville d'origine est arrivée sur Tumblr akdkakdk

Tu as aimé les fêtes du Roi de l'oiseau ? Tu as bien aimé la ville overall?

C'était vraiment top, la ville est magnifique et la fête était super. On a pas pu voir beaucoup de spectacles mais rien qu'avec les camps de reconstitution, les animations de rue, le marché et les bals on s'est régalées. Mon seul regret c'est qu'on soit arrivées le mercredi et parties le dimanche matin ; l'année prochaine, on skippera le mercredi pour pouvoir rester voir le grand défilé dimanche. (et on s'y prendra un peu à l'avance pour avoir des tickets pour la finale de tir à l'arc, haha)

Sinon bravo pour ta ville, très joli centre et une cathédrale qui rentre direct dans le top 5 j'ai pas peur de le dire

[wolfythewitch]

This isn't a question but a huge thanks!! I love your artworks and, thanks to you, I'm now at peace with Catholicism and God in general. You've made me see the love within the Scriptures (this means a lot to me wkfnwkgjkwjrjr)

Also as a huge mythology nerd I can't stress enough that????? Omg your Iliad/Odyssey art is so masterfully executed????????

Oh wow that's so cool I'm glad I helped :D

[thal-ent]

pssssssssss

trick or treat?

I'm giving you all the treats you'd want darling <333

[hel-phoenyx]

Oli belongs to @thal-ent and Domhildr to @soupedepates

"Hey is Domhildr back yet ?"

"No, why ?"

"Well, she stormed out after the union meeting and one of the syndicalists acting like, well, a leftist man, insulting her when she tried to take back the speaking priority. And I had to stay behind to calm down a bunch of assholes talking shit about her, so when I got out she was nowhere to be found..."

"Oh."

"And she isn't answering my calls or texts or anything like that so I'm starting to get REALLY worried."

"^^"

"So I was wondering if she was at your place so you guys could whip out something to calm her down ? And also so I could say sorry I didn't get out quick enough ?"

"^^"

"Well she's probably at Sigismund's since Kaizarz told me the same as you and I don't have his number, I don't know what I should do..."

"^^"

"Why are you that silent I told you Domhildr is unreachable-"

"^^"

"......... Wait. That's because karma, isn't it ?"

"^^"

"Okay. Fair. I deserve that."

"But seriously, keep me updated. Now I'm worried, too."

"Will do."

[noa-de-cajou]

Various mentioned characters here belonging to @corneille-but-not-the-author , @soupedepates , @thal-ent , @hel-phoenyx and @azeler

The following text contains domestic abuse and references to suicide.

It started with a storm. Yet when I lowered the spyglass, the sun was shining high in the sky, irritating my eyes and skin. It still does as I rest my arms over the boat guardrail.

“Are you sulking, Leo?”

I glare at Kalerich. His little remarks are really starting to piss me off.

“I'm taking a break. And I'd appreciate if you didn't pollute it with unwarranted comments.”

“Well someone sure is in a bad mood.”

Maybe I wouldn’t be if this hadn't turned out to be such a disappointing turn of events. The duel started off great, Brynja got the advantage surprisingly quick, despite the storm raging on louder and louder.

Then he unleashed the Carnage. Fascinating magic, really. But that's when I knew Brynja wouldn’t make it. Even I wouldn't be able to fight this off, so how could she?

It would have been handy if she had killed Kaizarz, but it was unlikely from the start. If I could at least see the monster he really hid, what really lurks inside… If I could see with my own eyes that this oh-so benevolent monarch isn’t so benevolent after all…

But then they stepped in. The other four, those little pests, barging into a fight that wasn’t theirs to win. Domhildr and Tyrfing’s first intervention was nearly useless, but of course even Oli and Meili had to get involved.

A hug, a few words I couldn’t hear, and it was over. Just like that.

Why? Why were you so intent on bringing him back?

He threw your friend on the floor and knocked her out. He crushed Brynja’s throat. He damaged your boat. He would have killed you. He broke the hand you weakened just so he could.

You saw it.

Yet you pulled him back into his mask. Into some fake, meek version of himself. Why?

Why does he get to be pulled back into himself, why does he get forgiveness after everything he did, even though he has nothing to give?

Why does he get all of this, and I didn’t? Who stopped me when I needed it?

No one. There was no one to fight off the monster. There's no one to stay if they don’t have anything to gain or if there is no fear to keep them in place, no one.

Because I made it so no one cared.

…

Jealous, Leonova?

No. Not at all.

It's only a brief respite. The monster is bound to come back anyway.

Not everyone is like you.

Shut up. Shut up.

What infuriates me too is how they still healed Brynja after she hurt their king, after she stabbed him in the back, after she almost doomed them all. And how they didn't let me get her. I could have healed her. I could have healed her throat. But she didn’t looked like she wanted it.

… That, I can understand. I've seen what the sirens do. Even I wouldn't stoop that low.

But what’s the point of being free if it's to end up like this? Voiceless? Powerless?

I already know that she won’t come back to me. Not even for protection. She’ll go back to the Kraken Coast and I'll be left with nothing gained from this.

All those years on my ship, and I didn't even get to say goodbye.

That doesn’t matter. She was a tool. An asset. You would have gotten rid of her, eventually.

Right.

You won’t miss her, will you?

No. That’s fine. No one stays, anyway.

It didn't mean anything.

Rescuing Brynja didn't mean anything.

Losing against Tyrfing didn’t mean anything.

Sleeping with Domhildr didn’t mean anything.

Dancing with Oli didn't mean anything.

None of it matters, none of it.

Ungrateful. All of them.

My eyes hurt.

“I’m going back to my cabin.”

I start to walk away, Kalerich grabs my wrist. Gods, what now?

“I can see you're sad, Leo, don’t just walk away. There's no point in trying to hide it from me.”

Stop. Stop it. I’m not sad. I am not. I’m angry, and pissed, and frustrated, I'm certainly not sad.

“Let go of me, Kal.”

“Leo-”

Stop. Stop pretending you care. You wouldn't even stay with me if I didn't force you to. And you never stopped me from doing what I do. You have no right to look at me this way.

I tear myself away from his grip and start walking down to the inside of the ship. I hear his footsteps behind me.

Why won’t you give up

He grabs me by the sleeve.

Why aren’t you

“Leo, please, could you just-”

Gone

“I said let go of me!!”

My hand flies.

I blink and there’s four scratches across his cheek. Blood trickles down his face. His eyes have widened a little.

Who hurt him? Who dared?

I did.

No. No. No. He’s my brother. He’s all I have left. I can’t… I shouldn't… I would never…

I can feel his blood under my nails.

“Kal… Kal, I’m…”

Are you happy now?

There's no way he’ll stay after this.

No, no, this isn’t what I want, it isn’t-

I try to wipe the blood away. He grimaces. He’s in pain. I hurt him.

You hurt him.

Again.

“I’m… I'm sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I'm sorry- ”

You keep messing up.

You’re not careful enough. You weren’t careful with Misha either.

Kalerich wouldn't leave me. Not like that.

You didn't think she'd do it either, did you? How many times have you checked his room for a rope under the bed?

If you keep this up, the noose will tighten around his neck too.

And you'll be truly alone.

There's tears on my face.

“I’m sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-”

“Leonova.”

He gently takes my hand and pulls me towards him, wraps his arms around me.

“It's fine. I’m all good. It’s nothing. You’re just upset. You didn't do it on purpose.”

… He’s right. I didn’t mean it.

“Don’t cry. I’m not going anywhere.”

I hug him back. Right. He's not leaving. Because we're siblings and siblings stick around for each other.

Which is why you need to bring her back and fix your mistake.

Kalerich holds me wordlessly for several minutes before letting me go.

“When do you want to leave, Leo?”

“... Tomorrow. I’m sick of this place.”

“Okay. You go rest. I’ll go tell the crew.”

“... Kal?”

“Yes?”

“You're not going to leave me. Right?”

“No. Never.”

He smiles at me.

Isn’t that smile a bit cramped?

Must be my imagination.

“Until death do us part, right?”

Yes. Until death do us part. Only then will we be free of each other.

The mere idea terrifies me.

He lets me go.

“Go lay down. I'll be right back.”

He walks back out, and I get to bed. It’s fine. I'm just tired. Maybe I've overexerted myself. It's not worth getting worked up about a bunch of strangers, is it?

History may sing their names, but I won't. They're not worth remembering.

The only names you need to remember are theirs. Your mother. Your sister. Your family.

I think about Domhildr. About the customs so dear to her. I remember the nursery rhyme some of the fairy sailors would sing. To remember the dead. Always remember the dead.

But I don't want to remember.

I want them back.

Screw those nursery rhymes. Screw their stupid passiveness.

I’ll overcome that death you’re so afraid of.

In the meantime, I need to forget you. All of you. And your stupid faces.

...

I hope I can.

[corneille-but-not-the-author]

New Year's Eve part 5

This is the sequel of a story made with @hel-phoenyx and @soupedepates

She's asleep.

I made sure of that. Stayed with her all evening. Didn't even get back to my own appartment, didn't even change, I'm back to work.

It's 3 AM. Still, the lights are up. I know for a fact the commissar won't be here, that's a good thing.

I'm in so much trouble.

I stole her some cigarettes. I light one. Put it into my mouth. It smells good. It smells great. Fuck, it's been about three years since i've taken one.

Bad habits never die.

Let's sum it up. Fenrir, this man I knew was up to no good, used me to hurt Domhildr and her friend. As a token of petty vengeance, she has decided to out him to the entire function.

Fenrir will know. Sooner or later. What is pretty good is that nobody will ever talk shit in his face, or else they would have to fight Amandine, and this girl is stronger than half the police united.

What is bad is that he'll know anyway.

He'll blame me.

It will get to the commissar.

Maybe they'll even ask for an investigation. On Domhildr. Maybe they'll blame her instead of me.

Let's try to think calmly, as i get out of the car, and let out a sigh.

The badge work.

I get in.

Get to my desk.

There are a few notes. One of the commissar. "Tell your girl she's banned from this building unless she wants trouble". Didn't have to tell me boss.

I'll miss her her pastries.

No time to cry. I brush off the tears. Calm. Composed. Remember the training. Remember who you are.

There must be a way.

4 AM.

5 AM.

6 AM.

They start to come in droves. Still not slept. Got some messages. How can I change everything ? How can I save at the same time the girl I like and the man who hurt her ?

My eyelids are getting heavy.

Whenever I blink, another hour has passed.

8 AM. Amandine comes to my desk.

"Have you been here all night ?"

She does not joke. Amandine never jokes. She's as stern as a woman can be.

"I want to stop...destroying...everything..."

"Hold there, Sigismund, I am not your psychologist, nor your psychiatrist. Have you seen him lately ?"

Oh. Yeah. I was supposed to have a psychiatrist. Never got one. Lied to my colleagues, so that they did not worry.

I'm tired of lying.

"No."

I do sound like a child caught red handed. It's ridiculous.

"I'll talk to Fenrir. So that he knows he can come to me if he needs something."

"That's my problem, Amandine"

"Not since your friend decided otherwise, Sigismund."

Her eyes.

Cold as ice.

Just. Like. Father.

Calm down. Calm down.

Another cigarette.

"You smoke ?" she asks.

"It's been three years."

"You should stop."

"I know."

But the smoke is too good, it feels too great. It's a poison, but a poison i'll take.

"I don't want you to talk to Fenrir, i'll do it." i say with as much determination as I can.

"Why ?"

"Because it's my fault. I'll make amends. I'll...do anything he wants, take his files, his anger, I don't know why he doesn't like me, I don't care. I'll do what he wants."

"Are you talking about a colleague or a criminal ?"

There it is.

Burried in the panic, I finally feel it.

The anger.

I'm angry.

At Fenrir for provoking me.

At Domhildr for taking the bait.

At Amandine for staring at me with those cold ice eyes.

But what can I do ? Anger doesn't change the world. Justice does. And justice is punishment for the guilty. I am guilty. Of everything.

I don't want Domhildr to suffer.

I take my phone. Send a message.

Don't come back to the commissariat. Ever. Walpurgis is angry. I'll try to arrange things. Please, for once, be the only oen who believes in me.

I look at Amandine.

She has disppeared.

In her place, the grim smile of another man.

A man named Fenrir.

Well. Here we go, I guess.

[bettabastardart]

First attack against the enemy >:3

Character belongs to the lovely soupedepates [ @soupedepates ]

[soupedepates]

Dionysus' outing with his wife Ariadne, Thysa, Methe and our girl Erato

yep my fanfic is going well, it's here

[thal-chandra]

Sometimes you need to doodle your protagonist, antagonist and first character you had a clear idea for lol

The Ultimate Rudaali, Ezio and Oscar, two of the 7 characters I have for the story Venenum Negationis (name up to change tbh) with @noa-de-cajou and @soupedepates

[thal-ent]

@soupedepates Domhildr

shoutout to girls who do not understand the difference between ‘the bit’ and ‘waging psychological warfare’

[thal-ent]

Domhildr belongs to @soupedepates , Tyr belongs to @hel-phoenyx , Meili to @azeler and Kaizarz to @corneille-but-not-the-author (last three only mentionned)

It's so cold out here, especially for this time of the year. My knees are hurting, but I can't help but keep walking forward. I want to go home, but Domi looked so happy when she told me about this guy, I can't bother them. It's rare she has someone over more than once, so it's only natural I do this for her.

I should have put my braces on, before going out, but hey, that's a past Oli mistake ! I can survive, all I have to do is find a place to sit and I'll be able to continue some designs for my clients. They're always so nice, when I have to reschedule because of a pain flare up or me almost falling back into bad habits, the least I can do is a design that's not shaky because of the weather. There's a coffee here, and I sit on the first table I see. There's three people behind me, they're chatting about their relationship... Good for them. The girl is kinda cute, the boys are pretty on the eyes. Neither are my type, tho.

I sigh to myself. "My type" who am I kidding, as if I even know what it is. Tyr and Kaizarz both being giant muscle masses don't count, not if I dont know what the fuck they are to me. I order a chocolat viennois and wait, my hands a bit shaky. The trio is leaving, which makes less background noise for me, but I hope they're doing alright out here. I get my tablet out and open my app, doodling away before getting my drink. The waitress sees me and asks some questions, even shows her own tatoos. They're nice, references to games I never played or sentimental drawings. I tell her my own, from the ones on my hands and arms to the one I got on my back.

She's nice, and it's easy to forget the time with her. But her boss calls her, and she skidaddles aways after taking my instagram's name. I smile to myself and get back to work, my room temperature chocolate on the table.

It's easy, to work with noise around, especially when I can't make out the voices around me. They drown me in a comforting way, like when I immerge myself in a bath and can go back up whenever I want. It's not the beach when the waves crash on my legs and make them shake until I can't fight anymore. I wonder if the others would like this place, maybe it'd be an opportunity to talk for real with Meili. I miss seeing him. The true him.

I'm drawing a forget-me-not on a skull when I feel someone taping my shoulder. It's weird, if it was one of the others, they wouldn't-

Ah.

It's him.

And his clique.

I know the cold hatred that awakens in me when I see his guilty facade. Once it was fear. Then it was envy. Now, I can't even think before the rest of my chocolate is on his pompous, stupid ass dress shirt.

His friends look at me like I'm crazy.

I just smile, when the words get out.

"Oh, sorry. You surprised me."

There's something coming towards me.

Ah.

It's a fist.

***

"I told you, I'm fine !"

"Fine ?? The doctors said you got your nose almost broken !"

"Almost ! I promise Domhildr, the worst pain is that fucking ice pack."

"And don't you dare take it off." She's fuming, I can tell. I called her from the ER, after someone separated the idiots from me. She doesn't know what happened. "Will you at least-"

"I fell, you know how it is when I forget my stuff !"

She doesn't believe it, I know. But she knows I wont budge either, a perfect draw between us. I'm lucky the others aren't here, otherwise I may have cracked. But I rather they think I was a drug addict than the truth.

Dom just sighs and hugs me tight, like she does when I really upsets her. I'm sorry. I truly am. I squeeze back with all my weakness, and smile again when she hands me my tablet.

At least, nothing was broken today.

She asks what I want to eat, and I just let her do what she wants. I'm not hungry, but for her I'll try.

[hel-phoenyx]

New Year's Eve, Interlude

A little text with no incidence on the story because I am bored in the plane, still a part of @corneille-but-not-the-author's @soupedepates's and my collab

They've been blowing up my phone for hours now.

It started with Oli. They sent at least a hundred text messages. Started calling at some point. Oli is not a caller. I must have done something to deserve that.

Then it was Kaizarz. Seventeen missed calls in half an hour. The count probably exceeds the two hundreds now. Usually I would be afraid after the first twenty calls, because that means I would get an earful. It got to thirty when I collapsed.

It was nice knowing you, I told Oli Domi and Meili when that happened. I barely survived the scolding. And the hug afterwards.

I don't think I will survive his hatred.

Then it was Meili. He called once, Twice. Sent a text. Then ten. His ringtone is burgundian lullaby since I joked about our long-awaited aryanification. I can recognize it.

Meili is not the kind to be that insistant.

After that it was Brynja. And Aarni. Then Hector and Thorfinn. I picked up none of them.

Nothing from Domhildr.

Of course. Why would she call you? You hurt her. She told you she loved you and what did you offer her? Silence.

Did she say that to make me feel better?

She could never love someone like me.

I do not deserve someone like her.

I do not deserve her feelings.

I do not eat. Do not shower. Do not do anything. Kriss is the one blowing up my phone, now. I don't answer.

Just leave me alone. Stop clinging to me. What am I to you?

The second choice?

I hear a knock on my door. It's morning, judging by the sun's angle on my window. It looks like I fell asleep on my couch. Still in yesterday's clothing.

I would like not to answer, but the door opens without me wanting to. Behind it is the worried expression of my brother-in-law.

Relief seeps through his worry wrinkles when he sees me prostrated on the sofa.

"Thank gods! I thought you did something irreparable."

"......... Gustav?"

He nods, sits next to me. Brushes a lock of sweaty hair off my face.

"You scared Kriss to death, you know. To the point she told me where was the emergency key to your flat."

"what....... why?"

"Well, you're her brother. And even if she calls you a piece of work, she cares, so, so much about you, kiddo."

I can taste something on my mouth.

Blood?

"Don't..... Call me kiddo. Please."

"Too bad, you need to be a child right now. So I will treat you like one and ask you to tell me what happened to warrant such a crisis."

He's still smiling.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

"I've just.... Hurt people. Again."

"As one does. I'm not asking you to wallow in self-hate, said Gustav softly. I just want to know the context."

"........ Context is, I don't know how to communicate."

Gustav has a little laugh.

"That's not new."

"...... It's worse."

"I can see that. But you won't solve anything with despairing away in your flat."

His finger pinches my cheek.

"Hey, tell you what. Come spend a little time home with the kid and I. When Kriss returns you can tell her about all this, but in the meantime I'll brew you tea and get chocolate out and maybe we can bake you a cake, how about that?"

...

In fact

I would like that very much.

Seeing the family I don't loathe.

Forget all this for a moment.

But

".... Gustav?"

"Yeah?"

"Why all this? Are you doing this because Kriss asked you to?"

He smiles.

"Of course not. I have known you before her, Tyr. I care. And I will always, always, care."

I am sat on my sister's couch, mug in hand, while my nephew all-excited is baking me my favorite chocolate cake. I hope he's not messing the kitchen up, while his father is not here to look at him. But Gustav seems confident in his abilities.

He's now sitting next to me, his hand stroking mine. The good one.

"Goodness, he ends up saying. That is a fucked-up situation."

"I'm sorry."

"No, I am. I told Fenrir I saw you. Didn't expect him to do that."

"....... Me neither."

Gustav sighs.

"He got too far. And Domhildr... As much as I feel bad for her, she didn't exactly choose the right way. To tell you that, I mean."

"Was there even a right way?"

"I mean, there is certainly a better one than asking you to kiss her after Fenrir got to your head, and getting away when she heard your silence. Like, sure, you handled that poorly, and you will have to make things right. But this was.... Heated to say the least."

My eyes are fixated on the swirls in the tea. Black, no sugar, with cinnamon. Gustav's emergency bad day tea. Sometimes I can see a smiley face calling from me in the movements of the liquid.

I can't believe that face is truthful.

"I think.... She said that to snap me out of it. Why wouldn't she? Poly or not, there's people... Far more lovable than me."

There's Oli. There's Kaizarz. Fuck's sake, there's Sigismund. That I hope will manage where I failed. Making her happy.

Gustav smiles a little sadly.

"Dear me, Fenrir really got through your head."

"It's not Fenrir. Not only. It's also... I can recognise when people have had sex together, Gustav. I've tried to hard to see those hints on you and Kriss, you know. And yesterday... Oli and Domhildr..."

I sigh.

"I sound petty and jealous and I probably am but it cristallized the fact I am, once again, the second choice."

There's a silence. Gustav just looks at me for a long, long while. I can hear the kid having fun in the kitchen, probably mixing the cake batter judging by the noise. Before, finally, Gustav squeezes my hand.

"Tyrfing, you are not the second choice of anyone. You are my brother-in-law, Kriss's baby brother, Brynja's favorite person in all the world. You are Kaizarz's, Meili's and Oli's best friend. And it would look like you are, also, one of the people Domhildr loves."

His smile is shining like the sun.

"So please, don't put yourself down like this. You are, as everyone you love is, your own person."

It may be what kickstarts the crying.

[noa-de-cajou]

Zuza and Idalia belong to @soupedepates

Louis belongs to @corneille-but-not-the-author

______

Mom never told me who my father was. Apparently, she doesn't remember. I believed her. She tried to raise me alone, as best as she could, but she came from Poland with nothing but a base level in english, a vague understanding of french and a graphist degree. She was alone, she fell in love with Christian and they got married when I was three.

I couldn't do this alone, Misiu, do you understand?

Mom never told me Christian was beating her. I started talking really late, my first word was blue for the bruises he left on her cheeks and the next one was bitch because I just repeated what I heard from him. Mom tried to overwrite it by speaking to me in polish. It worked, for a time.

To nie twoja wina, she said.

It's not your fault.

The teachers never told me what was wrong with me, or why the letters would jumble and the words undo themselves in front of my eyes. I wasn’t putting in enough effort. I wasn’t academically smart. I listened. They knew better, after all, didn't they? I couldn’t even translate documents for Mom.

The other kids never told me why they’d call me names or mock my accent. I never understood why they liked to do that. And I could never defend myself with my words.

But I never hit.

Because mom told me I was a good kid and good kids don’t hit people. Even when they're mean. Good kids don’t hurt people.

But she never told me why Christian was allowed to hurt us.

Bronya, Bazyli and Simowiet were the first to tell me it was okay to cry. They never hit me when I did. I felt good. I felt safe.

Bronya and Bazyli always told people what they thought, gave them a piece of their mind, they were always good with words. Even though they had been to the hospital for so long everybody else thought they were weird. And Simowiet always talked calmly, never yelled.

Never hit.

So I never hit either.

They were my very first friends.

Yet they took forever to tell me where Simowiet went after what happened to his stepmom. About what happened to Jacek after that.

Misiu, everyone here knew about the mister Adamski, you know, Mom said. Bad man, that one.

Yeah. Just like everyone knows about Christian. But I never know anything. And no one who knows things is doing anything.

No one told me anything, so I tried to get stronger on my own. No one told me I wasn't supposed to start this early. No one told me I wasn't supposed to stop eating. Bronya yelled at me for it when she learned.

No one told me how to defend myself. So when Christian hit me one too many times, I retaliated.

I hit.

It worked.

He bled.

Mom cried.

He never hit me again and neither did I.

But I knew I crossed a line. I knew I was just as bad. How could I do otherwise? No one ever told me how to help.

Hanko never told us that his parents were beating him either, but I knew. I guessed. He had the same bruises that I used to wear on my wrists.

Even so, I couldn't do anything when they pushed Bazyli down the stairs. Couldn't do anything to save them afterwards.

It's not your fault, their eyes said.

Bazyli told us to keep it a secret. So I did. I don’t mind that much. I understand why he doesn't want to say it. But it hurts to be lying to Bronya and Tonia.

Then we enter uni.

Bazyli never tells me why he looks more and more tired with each day or why he hides his neck.

Bronya never tells me why she looks at me the way she does. I think I might know. But I don’t dare to hope.

Simowiet never tells me about his problems, or his life, or his family, even though we live together.

Zuza never tells us about the pills in her cabinet. She never tells us about the arguments with Idalia either.

I can take a lot of things. I can take a punch or two. I can keep secrets. I can nod along. I can deal with being stupid. I can carry everyone on my back.

But I can't help if no one ever tells me anything.

Maybe no one ever wants me to help, but they need help. And they tell me that me being around is more than enough, but it isn't.

But I can't force anything out of anyone.

You’re a good kid, Misiu.

You’re a good guy, Milosz.

It's not your fault.

I get it. I get it, alright? It’s never my fault. It's never under my control.

But what’s the point of being good when everyone around you consider themselves bad?

So I smile and say nothing and I go to the gym and I run and I push and I grit my teeth and I hit and hit and hit and hit and hit and hit and hit

And I won't tell them about how I feel

Because

No one

Ever

Tells me

Anything –

“Your stance is wrong! You need to put your shoulder into it.”

It was just two sentences, thrown around at the gym, and then he was gone. I don’t think he remembers it at all.

But Louis tells me things.

Louis told me about the bet. Louis told me Bronya likes me. Louis told me that I look handsome. Louis told me that he didn't start working out for good reasons. Louis told me not every part of himself deserves to be known and I don’t agree. Louis told us he loved us.

He doesn't know how much it means to me.

All I ever wanted was just to feel

Like I'm worth sharing things to.

It feels possible now.

…

I didn’t know it could be that easy to breathe before.

[corneille-but-not-the-author]

New Year's Eve

This text is a sequel to : https://www.tumblr.com/soupedepates/769304596920352768/tyr-belongs-to-hel-phoenyx-leonova-belongs-to?source=share

***

It's always the same, really.

The same words. The same cold building. The same New year's Eve, with those cold faces.

My father asked me if I was alright. I answered yes.

No, I am not alright, father.

My mother asked if I had someone in my heart. I answered no.

Yes, I have two, and I don't know what to do.

They didn't ask about the rapt. They didn't ask if I wanted to cry.

I'm a growup. It shouldn't bother me.

I would rather return to work. But I can't. Not when the Mayor and the Priest looks at me like this.

I hate their gold. I hate their power. I hate how, so many years later, there is still no way I'm someone in their eyes.

Mother tries to smile.

She really tries.

But the link has been cut a long time ago.

---

A few hours later, I'm at my desk, sleepy as hell.

We stayed awake a few hours too early.

Their friends were just like them. Their daugther too. My memory is hazy. I think they want us to marry. I don't really care.

My plants are fairer than her.

So I come back to work. Sip a bit of coffee. Ask my colleagues if they had a good holiday. I was away for a week, a lot of them are not back yet.

One of them has a savage smile when I ask. I didn't catch his name, those few months ago, when the commissar presented him to us.

Not really that important.

"Sigismund ? Your girl is here."

Amandine has such a smug smile, when she wants to. It's not "my girl", but I understand why they think she is.

She's coming a lot to the function, for someone so afraid of cops.

So I stand up. Come and greet her. She has cookies, they're the most beautiful in the world. She has a smile and is wobbly, I'm worried for her.

"Hi Domhildr, I wasn't expecting you today. Did you have a good New Year's Eve?"

She smiles.

Such a beautiful smile.

How can someone expect me to marry a bland woman when I see this smile so often, now ?

She tells me of her adventures. I listen. She give me the cookies. I propose to share.

But I cannot shake the feeling I'm being observed.

When she leaves, I let out a smile. Amandine laughs at me, I tell her to be quiet. Someone is still looking at me.

But the impression leaves quickly. And I stop thinking about it. For the rest of the day, I can only think of Domhildr.

The way her smile light up her entire face. The way she seemed...well. She seemed at peace.

Something must have happened.

I'm happy for her.

Maybe she has finally met someone good.

Maybe it's her roommate ?

Someone who isn't me.

Because I'm duty-bound. And I don't deserve that.

I don't deserve those cookies.

I don't deserve anything.

...

...

Why am I crying ?

Someone is looking at me.

Little did I know, Fenrir was a name I should've remembered. As he was the man looking at me, this entire time.

But even though I had remembered his name, I would've never been able to predict what would ensue.

[bettabastardart]

Hey @soupedepates have another attack >:3

[soupedepates]

I needed to get that out of my system.

Yeah hm. Dead Dove: Do Not Eat. Read the tags carefully before reading.