#sorry. oversharing

[amygdalae]

kind of hate my stupid caustic pussy for dissolving my underwear over time but it's kind of cool, like, scientifically

[urlocalqueer]

made jumeokbap again. way better this time, i made more sauce and added more seasoning and she's so beautiful. also they're spicy enough that my mom won't want them. so WOOOOO

[spoopdeedoop]

doctor “trauma dump to companion of five minutes” who

[lazylittledragon]

ok i swear i'm not going to talk about my breakup forever but the thing that just keeps bothering me:

i know that not getting what you need in a relationship is a COMPLETELY valid reason to end it but also. i feel like having a very vulnerable moment where i opened up about my struggles with intimacy and being relieved that i didn't have to keep doing things i wasn't comfortable with, then being dumped a YEAR later because of my lack of intimacy. is something i should be allowed to be very hurt by???

[teaboot]

if ur a murderbot nerd now do u have any fun opinions abt it yet?

Oh my goddd you have no idea

I really, really, really like Murderbot because it comes at life with this perspective we don't often see that is very real among people who have already been through traumatic experiences, who developed skills and abilities to suvive that were once useful but no longer have context- that search that traumatized people go through to recalibrate and reorient ourselves in a world where we no longer really need those things to survive.

A bit personal here, but my own issues personally involved a lot of psychological abuse that made it difficult to trust my own perceptions of reality, and as a result I found I was very easy to lie to and manipulate.

To handle this, I became obsessive over writing things down, cataloging details and making notes of things as they happened- I'd carry recording devices and make audio recordings and stay up late at night to transcribe what they'd picked up, read those over and over again to reassure myself of things I wasn't certain about.

While doing this, there were others close to me that I felt responsible for, who I had to protect from others and protect myself from at the same time. Life was about two things: Evidence, and defusing threats

Over time, I learned to trust myself as my memories matched what had been recorded where their narrative didn't, but I never really kicked the habit. Like Murderbot, I had added something to my own programming that reassured me I was safe, that I was in control of myself, that I couldn't be mistaken or crazy or broken or used.

I'm only on book two, but already I see myself in Murderbot again. No spoilers here, but when I left home- left that dangerous context- I didn't need to repeat these patterns to survive anymore, but I still did, because I didn't know anything else anymore. It felt safe, comfortable, knowing knowing that the past couldn't repeat itself, because I'd written that flaw- blind trust in myself-  out of my programming and replaced it with something else.

Still, though, I'd become something specially suited to thrive in a very specific environment. Nothing else felt right like followinghigh-risk situations, like witnessing and watching and recording and knowing I had proof of the truth where others might not.

People took notice. I wound up in security by accident, but's an environment that I thrive in due to the same patterns and behaviours I originally developed when I had no other choice. I climbed the ladder pretty quickly, once supervisors caught on that my reports were the most accurate, most objective, most factual, detail-oriented and timely. I keep others and myself safe and prioritize public safety above all else, and I perform well under pressure

Now I'm in a position where I often wonder, do I enjoy this job, or is it just what I'm good at? I have a set of skills now, but do I have the option of choosing not to use them? What would I be, if not this? Could I be anything else? Can Murderbot be anything else?

It has a set of skills that set it apart, make it different, special. It does what it knows best. But is it free? Does it want to be? What does it want? Does it have to do what it was built to do? What if it didn't?

I know what I'm good for. The idea of deliberately leaving what I'm good for for something uncertain, that I might hate, that I might be useless at- the choice to give up what was so important to me for so long and become deliberately obsolete?

Let go of my entire purpose? The only thing I know, that I fit so well into but don't actually know if I enjoy? Now that I can choose? Now that enjoyment is a luxury I can afford to consider?

Yeah, that resonates.

I like the Murderbot series so far because it feels the way I feel: Like the most significant and formative part of my story, the part where I became what I am, has already happened

And now I have to just. Keep going

Into... what?

It feels absurd. Like a microwave giving up on reheating food and deciding to start a life around abstract dance.

So, uh. Yeah. It's really very wild to see this same philosophical-ish dilemma I've been digging over in the back of my mind and in therapy for the last forever laid out so plainly in a genuinely exciting and enjoyable story like this. I feel much less alone, and I... kind of really need to see how it resolves, I think.

So, uh. Yeah. Read Murderbot, I guess

[b0tster]

gm. my head hurts. but its probably partially cuz of the hangover lol. crazy dreams tho

[reallybadblackoutpoems]

the chemistry and technology of edible oils and fats and their high fat products (1989) - g. hoffmann

"mole interest"

[shitouttabuck]

“I’ll be honest—when Bobby first brought you on board, I told him he should just get a Dalmatian instead.”

[lesbianwithchainsaws]

Sometimes watching Community is like "Abed's just like me fr 😃" and sometimes it's "Abed's just like me fr ☹️"

[devotion-disorder]

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/3dFHa31qxQ8?feature=share

10/10 would smash Yuri buuuuut this vid lived rent free in my head, I don't wanna skip to my next life just yet-

no because i can vouch that she is 100% correct. of course everyone's built different but i have almost the exact same opinions as her...they dont call it rearranging your guts for no reason yall.

BUT you can also make a lot work with a bit of time and patience :D and when you're sequestered in the deepest part of the woods, trapped in a village that most people that don't even know exists, there is definitely more than plenty of time :) though Yuri also tends to be impatient, so......................... good luck? ^^;

[theriverbeyond]

talked to my thesis advisor today about how i am in the torture labyrinth micromanaging my thesis partner and she was so nice.... she was super understanding of my concerns..... she affirmed that i should NOT have to do the amount of work i've been doing.... she came up w a plan.... she promised my graduation won't be at risk if he doesn't do his part... perhaps there IS hope after all.... ‼️

[dogboymutual]

hi everyone. letting you all know that i find the clicker game about the guy who likes clicking. the one called clickolding. that one. it's. hhot

[bloodinwine]

Warning: Whiny AF post This is gonna come out all messy and shit and a complete overshare because I'm emotional and I know it's a bad idea to write things and share them when you're emotional. But whatever. Writer. And what the fuck ever. People advise I take breaks all the time, but the thing is all I ever want to do is write. I want to disappear into Effy and Astarion's world. It's supposed to be my happy place but tonight instead I'm literally just staring at this screen trying not to cry like a bitch because FUCKkk after chp17 my brain is being so freaking hideous to me. It's usually like this after a chapter drop, but this has been just the worst. I already have chp18 outline complete and on one hand I'm happy with it right? Like I'm excited to write this chapter. But I also now have this fear of like...putting in what will probably wind up being 2 months of effort only to feel like I've failed. I wish I had tougher skin and I know I've definitely come a long way. My relationship with writing prior to fandom was even more fragile, but then again I never really shared my work. I knew this was going to be hard but I didn't realize how much. I do my best to be my own cheerleader but I can't say things like I don't give a shit or I won't let this get to me, because I do care so so much. This isn't just a hobby to me. Ah man...but I don't want to be like this you know? I want to focus on the good and the positive things. I went back and just spent some time reading so many of the kind words people have left. Read some older things I wrote and tried to just enjoy Effy being dumb lol.

Anyway, all this to say. I think I might need to fade away for a bit or take some steps back from fandom. I should be happy about sharing the chapter but I have to admit I just feel incredibly low right now and I don't think that's right. I promise I was so incredibly happy with it before I hit the post button. I never post anything I'm not happy with. That's why feeling all these ups and downs about it is so confusing and annoying for me. I think a lot about the advise I've gotten from others about building confidence around my writing. It's better, but man I'm just not fucking there yet. I don't know if I'll ever be. I really hope. I'm trying.

But no matter what I will never give up on UY. A piece of my soul is literally in that story. I will never give up on writing. I just can't deal with myself when I feel like this.

[lazylittledragon]

i keep trying to think of funny/poetic ways to talk about all the things i'm feeling right now but i honestly can't so. i'm really sad about what happened with my partner. i know he was an inconsiderate prick about it and that i didn't do anything wrong and i couldn't have prevented it but i'm just really fucking sad.

[gigglesandfreckles-hp]

shoutout to my lily evans for being the conduit with which my husband makes his return to glasses after a two year drought! also, absolutely no one tell him he can just say “fic” instead of “recent fanfiction writing”

[atalienart]

I don't know what I'm doing with my life, don't mind me. I guess I'm procrastinating writing another chapter. Do you know any similar memes for procrastination purposes?