#sorry just rambling here cause therapy is not affordable lol

[littlemouserat]

Not to be a teenager in 2004, but I’m Not Okay (I Promise) Single by My Chemical Romance from the album Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge.

[fairygothmothercat]

Cancer and depression and my life

I have not been speaking openly about it on social media. Though I might as well here since very few people actually follow me anyways. Tumbler has turned into my vent and rant place basically because no one ever responds or says anything about my Tumbler posts lol. Facebook is a whole different creature. We all know someone who has or is battling cancer. It effects many people. My grandfather battles Leukemia right now. My mom had it, my grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts and uncles and some friends I have known or their family. So it was a matter of time when it would strike closer and well as my mom before me and her mother and grandmother I am susceptible to many of the cancers that our female family members have survived or succumbed to. Breast, cervical/uterine, colon cancer are all things that have been a fight. My grandmother on my moms side is a 2 time survivor of colon cancer. My other grandmother from my dads side passed away in 2009 after her battle with lung cancer. She had technically beat it or it was in remission but the chemo had wiped her immune system out and a infection took her from us. Its still one of the most painful losses in my life as I was very close to her and as someone with very few I trust or love and could talk to it left quite the hole in my life. My first fight is now with Cervical and uterine cancer. It has been found in its early stage and as far as the Drs see its pretty localized and operable. It could be more spread like my mothers but hers still was operable by hysterectomy which is removal of the uterus and cervix. In my case they are not opting to remove the entire organ unless they see anything that prompts them to or complications arise. I will be having most the cervix removed and part of the lower part or neck of the uterus. Honestly I rather have a hysterectomy. I can not have kids or want so theres no point in saving it but the Dr believes this should be sufficient for now. I will require regular examinations and biopsies to make sure it never returns or spreads. So the prognosis for now seems good and the piece of me being removed is not crucial for my survival so I do not have too many heavy worries. I just do not look forward to the pain, discomfort especially in the region being operated on. Of course I looked it up and watched it on youtube so I now know how brutal the procedure looks. I know people say you shouldn't do that but I like to know what to expect even if I am not conscious.I did not need to have a baby for my poor vagina to end up getting wrecked lol. Of al places though its not cool its there. Add to it cutting a month out of my life to recover in summer so no swimming or doing much of anything. I am grateful I moved to Germany so I could afford the healthcare I needed in order to have less worries when it came to these things and my health in general. I worry for my aging parents who stand to lose the healthcare they have thanks to the current government and their quest to make the rich richer at the expense of the poor and vulnerable. Though I do not want to get into politics here. I still just know I am fortunate to now have access to good healthcare and finally have been able to pursue the treatments I need for my chronic illness which has caused me bad sight, bad hearing and weight gain among other things. I was born with these things and until I was 18 I got treated for only one single thing through a special program but that was not enough and after I turned 18 I was left uninsured until I was 27/28 and got medicaid which was still pretty limited. Though now I go through my cancer treatment and I do not say much. I do not look for sympathy or attention. I been accused enough about seeking attention and shit like that. Other people can make a song and dance about stuff but I seem to be expected to deal with it on my own. Which is what I have always pretty much done all my life. I never pushed my burdens on other people in my family or friends. I rarely ask for help. My husband and a few people know of whats going on. I will get my treatment and spend much of my recovery alone which is ok. I am getting used to and starting to embrace my loneliness and isolation. I might be too honest or real for most people to handle anyways. My openness and genuine nature seems to put people off. It has widdled me down to being more reserved these days and more cynical and cautious even more nihilistic and pessimistic. I sometimes think if it were not for my mom, my husband and a few I can count on my hand that actually care I would have been ok to let the cancer take me away. I would not want to hurt anyone. Its not to say I do not have a desire to live. Sure I struggle with bipolar and depression but I do have many reasons and many things to live for. Its just sometimes dealing with the pain both physical and mental that are draining. I can have professional help and swallow pills but it is not the cure all. Recently a prominent outspoken youtuber Stevie Ryan who also suffered and spoke about mental illness just committed suicide. She was my age but she was healthy, beautiful and successful and still she lost the fight. It can be worrisome for me. I am a lonely mostly shut in person whos been rejected for various reasons. Hardly successful either and codependent. Twice divorced, survivor of childhood trauma, abuse, sexual assault. I have social anxiety, low self esteem and some confidence issues. It might seem when I am dressed up and covered in makeup that I am strong and confident but it is just the shell of a lonely, hurting girl who yearns for acceptance, love, health and happiness. Sometimes I find a glimmer of it and it keeps my hope and many other times I am mocked, rejected, stabbed in the back, accused of ridiculous things and excluded. When I have said anything of my struggles I get accused of looking for sympathy, attention and people who say they will be there or you can talk to simply vanish over a few posts talking about the struggle on facebook. Thats a recurrent thing. Its often those who say you can talk to us or come to us and post about these things to help friends and whatnot that usually seem to do the complete opposite. At least in my own experiences. They say go get a therapist. Well even if I had one the underlying issues contributing to my crisis just do not magically go away. I might be able to cope better drugged up but I been through therapy most my life and rehashed the same sad history and story of my life to several professionals. Its a bandaid. Its help yes but sometimes the real help is having people close that pay attention and can hopefully help prevent tragedy by recognizing the symptoms, behaviours and needs of the one suffering. Its likely Stevie even had a good support system in place but the loss of her grandfather while being depressed pushed her over. I been there.The loss of my grandmother led to a downward spiral and attempts to end it. I was hospitalized and then my divorce happened and I left and drifted around alone to escape the place of so much trauma, drama and pain and seek a new life and identity. I spent birthdays and Christmases alone without family or anyone and a crap short lived relationship had me seeking a final end to my suffering. Another mental hospital stint from overdosing and then more people leaving me because understandably they did not want to hurt so distancing themselves from me was their way of coping. I am now in Germany and well here I am. Trying to hold on to optimism and hope. I usually paint much rosier pictures on facebook and social media but the truth is I struggle and suffer and do my best to take each day at a time and be grateful and show it to those who show me kindness. I accept the fact not everyone will like, love or get on with me. Sometimes I wish they went about things better but thats just the way things go. some might call me a snowflake but I am more like a snowball. Alot of stuff packed up and then thrown to burst into pieces and then gathered back up and sometimes theres less and sometimes theres more but I feel like I get thrown around alot and smashed or melted and sometimes dirt, rocks and stuff ends up picked up along the way which makes me ugly and potentially hurt others if hit. I never seek or intend to hurt others. In fact I never done anything serious or bad to others. It usually comes down to simple misunderstandings of my intentions or meaning or some ignorance and simple mistake. I think most would be forgiven of these things but usually in my case one little mistake costs me friendships and I could apologize until blue in the face but its no use. Sorry for the long rant. so much on my mind and typing is easier than writing a diary. My rheumatoid arthritis makes writing these days a bit painful and difficult. I have few outlets to express myself as well. Tumbler might not be the best place but so far its proven to be one of the only few I can ramble on and it seems so far no one bothers, or responds so I can type walls of text and play my own therapist at times. Tomorrow I go in surgery. Was not the surgery I hoped for. I was hoping this time I would be having weight loss surgery but it is further delayed. Just another long rant for another time. Other than that I still kind of try hoping I will be able to continue on and that I can have a few of the simple things in life like some good friends and better health.