#sorry just needed 2 rant. about my twitter mutual

[frafool]

@ lrb so true twitter oomfie but also that person puts so much discourse on my tl lmao. Girl stick to what you said come on. I mean I still follow them bc they're normal most of the time but. Thin fucking ice

[bistaxx]

An annoyance I specifically have about qsmp tntduo fics is that they don’t even (usually) try to be like the qsmp versions of the characters. They have them act like dsmp, rivals that have a weird homoerotic tension. While in the qsmp, we’ve had Quackity being obsessed with Wilbur and Tallulah < and being convinced that Wilbur was the dad and tallulah was his kid. This is just the early stuff but it’s annoying how they pretend it’s qsmp when it’s clearly not.

(TNT MUTUALS SKIP THIS POST- SORRY ILY I PROMMY SRY! THIS ENDED UP TURNING INTO A RANT LMAO)

(Also none of this is my griping over what people are allowed to write or draw lol- i'm just bitching for my own sake LOL)

Yeah that's definitely a major part of my annoyance too, not helped by the fact that I also dislike /r c!tnt LOL- And I was actually interested in what q!Tnt as dynamic could've been but canon doesn't offer a whole lot to work with these days and fanon like you said either just makes them a poor man's rehash of c!tnt despite their q! counterparts being VERY different form those men or, like a mutual of mine brought up in their post, reduce q!Quack into this poor sad little wet cloth of a man that ONLY qWilbur could ever understand or fix because he's the ONLY man who actually cares about q!Quackity... just ignore Roier, and Etoiles, and Forever, and Baghera, and Cellbit, and Bagi, and- You get the point lol.

I think my last straw personally was seeing everything that Quack goes through be made to be about Wil- getting Tilin? Him and Wilbur can raise them together despite us knowing Luzu was the other parent! He loses his child? Dw he can raise Tallulah with Wilbur! Quackity's been kidnapped and replaced with Elq? Oh no! Onyl Wilbur will ever care or notice :( Just ignore that Jaiden witnessed this happen- Quackity is back, but his memories are gone and his mind severely messed with? Oh Wilbur will fix him- he'll teach him how to read and write and take care of him and they can be a family alongside Phil Tallulah and Chay! Quackity's been kidnapped again? Oh no only Wilbur will care Part 2 even though everyone quickly noticed Elq isn't Q! Quackity (and Phil) have weird tickets? This must be related to WILBUR somehow?! Quackity's DEAD?!? OH NO- WILBUR WILL BE SO SAD AND DEVASTATED! Quackity's back but extremely traumatized and broken after everything he's been though? He needs Wilbur to hug him and heal him :((((((((((((((-

And I wanna take a brief aside to complain about how people treat them and the eggs too- See I really like Quack and Pepito's dynamic, so I give into temptation and look on Twitter to find fanart of them... only to see them paired with Wilbur and Tallulah... with Quackity's OTHER CHILD Richas nowhere in sight! Because he just... doesn't matter I guess even though the two still care about each other a lot and still call each other father and son! Also the god damned disservice this stuff does for Talsy's character too- yeah she'd so be running over to hug Wil with her current growing resentment of him- but to know that'd require people to acknowledge her as more then just Wilbur's cute little daughter who exists only as an extension of him- SOMETHING SHE'S COMPLAINED ABOUT TO PHIL. But back to Quack...

Would you believe me if I told you people also did this shit during KARMALAND too- A SERIES THAT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE WILBUR PLAYING IN IT! That during the early days people were CONVINCED that k!Quackity was secretly an amnesiac c!Quackity and he was only drawn to k!Luzu because he reminds him c!Wilbur... yes people really fucking said that and god it made me so mad I won't lie 😭 People can headcanon whatever they want that's fine even if I don't gel with, the thing is it was just everywhere during the early Karmaland V days and people were doing to most to push it 'canon' cuz God forbid Q exist outside of Wil or c!tntduo in this Spanish server.

Listen- I never wanna be That Guy who DEMANDS people stop doing this or that- people can do whatever they want- I get missing a ship, I still miss Karmaland Luckity- I just wished people cared about q!Quack for q!Quack and not just tntduo. q!Quackity is a very flawed screw-up of a man with a big heart whose been through Hell and even though he wants to give up still chooses to keep on going for the sake of his new child- not to mention his mysterious connection to Elq and being forced to be a pawn to Oscurucho! He has a lot going for him outside of his celebrity crush! He has a lot of really good and complex bonds with other characters- he has a strong friendship with Etoiles, Forever tried to look out for him after Quackity lost his memories and Quackity in turn was visibly distressed when Forever went missing, HIS WHOLE THING WITH ROIER- LIKE- Quackity being a major part of the betrayal at the start of the server and Roier in turn ruining Quackity's reputation on the server in revenge but Quackity still tries to help Cellbit fix things with Roier during Festa Junina, Quackity admires the strength of Spiderbit's love to the point that it makes it reconsider his own view of what love is after his fake wedding with Wilbur's cardboard cutout, Roier still tried to help Quackity regain his memories when Quackity found Tilin's old diary, Roier is listed as one of the most important people to Quackity, during his hell coma in the maze portion there are photos of him and Roier everywhere, they even share custody of a child now- but no, Wilbur is the only one who gets or cares about Quackity, okay sure.

Anyway rant over- sorry anon I pretty much just used your ask as an excuse to vent about all my grievances I'm sorry 😭 People can send more anons about this if they want but I prolly won't answer- I don't like to bitch too much on this blog- this is the exception to that LOL I don't hate qWilbur either- I just don't care for q!tnt.

[w98pops]

Still cant believe a fucking terf is in fallout fandom intecacting with trans creators and drawing her ugly stereotypical twink transmasc character. You should be ashamed

What is even happening to my inbox anymore. Idk if it's the same person that asked about Sharky or not, but it really makes me uncomfortable.

I don't know where the TERF stuff even come from, but I'm very open with my political views and yeah, I was a radfem in 2019 or something. I also was a very vulnerable sad russian teenager. I know not a lot of people on tumblr aware of all the intricacies of russian internet scene, but I assume you, anon, have some knowledge, because you called me a TERF in the first place.

There's an internet phenomenon called "alt-right pipeline" and I fell in the simular thing called "TERF pipeline". This shit is inevitable for every single afab person that speaks russian. It's a really big thing. I don't say it's an excuse to be a bigot, but I was 12 when i first touched the internet. I was insecure, very fucking poor and spiteful. Also I had and (still have) some hormone problems and was generally a pretty ugly girl so coped with it by drawing ponies and hating on elusive and mysterious "men in skirts" these smart twitter girlies always talked about.

To be perfectly honest, I genuinely don't understand what russian TERFs are fighting for or against, I was in this shit for solid few years and still have no idea. I mean, now it's illegal to be transgender in Russia (a real law), but it wasn't a win for these angry teenage girls, it was a win for genocidal bigoted russian government, the same one that legalized domestic violence (also a law. its officially not a real crime in this country). I went off the topic and started ranting about my frustrations with the government again FUCK 😭

I tried to say that russian internet is genuinely a fucked up place, but I lived in the middle of Siberia in a village, ideologically only had my orthodox grandma, racist older brother and TERFs on the internet. I only started to learn english a few years ago, so i didn't have enough options before that. Or, to better words, didn't have enough knowledge to be a better person.

I'm really really and sincerely fucking sorry for that. Like, truly. It was really fucked up and I'm ashamed of stuff I said and supported blindly. I now have resources and have some media literacy in my disposal and basic understanding of english to educate myself about the topics I'm talking about. I'm trying my hardest to show support and love to all my queer friends and mutuals, and as an artist I do all I can to be inclusive, not because I feel the need to, but because I want to.

I have no right to speak about trans people and their issues and I won't. I don't know if Sharky is as bad as anon described, because I'm biased (this is my character after all) and not educated enough to acknowledge all the stereotypes associated with transmasculinity. I would really enjoy to hear opinions of my fellow transmen. To address some of my choices regarding his design and writing:

- He wears pink, because it's a quirky color that doesn't show up much in Fallout. Never meant to de-masculate him or to ridicule him. It's my favorite color, after red and brown, which are the primary colors of Wendy.

- He has a silly personality and a carefree attitude because 1) I'm projecting and 2) Wendy needed a character to balance out her awkward and moody autism

- He's a girl's boy and has wives. I didn't have the reason to make him not like girls. I wanted him to be an example of positive masculinity and solidarity. He is a straight dude who loves women. Not just sexually attracted to them or sees them as pets. They are his partners. With their own personalities and lives. Also I wanted to make a full circle 😭😭😭 I'm asexual and bi-romantic. I like boys, girls, all between and beyond boys and girls and don't really think sex is a big thing for me. Aletus likes boys, Sharky likes girls and Wendy likes when there's no sex. Pretty simple, I think.

Hope this explains why Sharky is the way he is. Would still really appreciate an opinion from a trans person. Or any kind of feedback really, because I've been feeling really fucking bad lately and can't objectively reflect on my choices. Also more questions about my OCs are very much welcome. There's a lot of stuff that made me feel like I've been misiforming people, including this anonymous message, and I will specify anything you want to know. Thank you all a lot.

[allthefujoshiunite]

Hi, first of all this is my first ask to you (sorry if it sounds weird, cause I'm nervous while writing this).... I'm your fan (have followed your twitter and tumblr) and really love your reviews and recs, thanks to you I know which BL manga/manhwa to read next and because of you they also become few of my favorite BL manga/manhwa/manhua....

Can i ask, why do you love BL romance better than het romance? What makes them better? I did not mean anything negative, and I know everyone have their own like and dislike but I want to know your thoughts....

Also what do you think that made Asian MLM (BL manga/manhwa/manhua) romances better than western MLM romances?

Before I found your blog, I already love anime and manga but have never tried watching or reading BL, and then I found danmei novel and fell in love with them.....after that, I start reading BL manga and still continue.....Funny thing is, since I was younger I love reading novels (especially romance het western) and suddenly I lost interest....But after found MLM romamce I start love reading again...

Sorry for this long ask and rant of myself, feel free if you want to ignore it....just want to let you know, that most of the BL manga that I read until now are thanks to you.....I can't thank you enough.....Thanks for your hard work on your blog...

Okay, this is going to get long and at times, personal so... idk maybe you'd like to get a cup of hot bevarage of your choice? Buckle up!

First of all, I hope you don't apologize for sending asks in the future because I don't get them often anyway, and respond when I have time. Plus, I find great joy in answering them, and your words have made me incredibly happy. I intend to write a lengthy post about it one day but I write with the hopes that other people read them, my blog is not my personal diary. And over the years, I came to detest the so-called-advice "Just do it for yourself!". 

To be honest, I've been feeling frustrated and lost about my blog & my social media accounts, especially Twitter, for a while now. I love the small circle of mutuals I have and am grateful for them. Because, when you boil it down, I'm not entitled to their time, attention, likes/RTs/RBs, in short, their support. Just because they have been, let's say, liking my tweets at one point doesn't mean they now have an obligation to fulfill. This is the reason why I've never voiced my frustrations on Twitter, the least I'd want is to seem like I'm accusing others of something they aren't obligated to do. Still, it doesn't change the fact that there's been a sharp decline in my engagement there and I feel invisible. Or ignored. But at the same time, my blog post tweets still get 2-3 likes and I can't help but feel I'm ungrateful towards them.

In the end, there's no way of pinpointing what's "wrong". Is it the way I write my posts? Is it the content in them? Is it the Twitter algorithm? According to the view count, my tweets are seen, so am I being ignored now? I have no idea. I've been considering leaving the platform for a while now, the only reason I haven't done so is because the short tweeting format is something I really like and it suits me. But with the way things are, I'll just leave it as an update account as my Tumblr once was. Tl;dr, long asks where people talk about themselves, the questions they have in mind, and what they think about the stuff I write (positive or negative, as long as there's courtesy), that exchange is the reason I write. No need to apologize for doing something that I've been wanting others to do. : )

And if my posts had contributed to helping you find something you enjoy, no matter how small, I couldn't be happier.

As for your questions, I hope you don't mind me answering them in a separate post. Because 1. my answer will be long, and 2. I'd like it to stay as a post itself instead of being buried under my personal social media rant. It'll be better if someone wants to RB it in the future as well.

Once again, thank you so much for sending me this lovely message, it made my night! See you around ~

[isa-ghost]

How do you hold onto hope that anything will be done with Anti or any of Sean's Egos? I fell out of love for JSE and his content about three years ago due to.. I guess just growing up? But I used to check back in from time to time because he used to promise that "Big Thing's" we're coming for his Egos. (Mind you this was before the pandemic took full effect so there wasn't that as an excuse.) I just recently checked his channel and saw he has taken a step back (Good for him and his mental health if he needs that!) from making content. Did he burn out? Is he ever going to do anything with the Ego's? I don't even know why I care at this point? I guess I just want logical answers and you are the smartest JSE fan I know? Anywho. Sorry for the rant. I'll get out of your asks. 🌶

Oookay unpacking this ask time.

Anon thanks in advance for sending this because as feisty as I felt at first, it helped me get out a lot of things I've wanted to say in this regard for a Long Long Time so, yeah. Thank you.

1. Personally I don't like the term "grew up" in reference to CCs or much of anything tbh, because you're rarely too old to enjoy the things you love. But I get what you mean regardless. Just wanted to plop out my take on that topic in general. Never think you're too old to enjoy something harmless though. :)

2. I've been shaky on hope lately, to be honest. He's not been doing a ton of videos in general lately, minus some strays and the Deltarune Chapter 2 series (I genuinely didnt expect him to play it bc he hadnt played another recently released big game I wanted to see him play but he did, and I'm super grateful bc it was killing me lowkey). Which obviously the decision not to make a ton of content at the moment is okay. He's very burnt out, he's been having severe health issues both physically and on/off mentally. The lack of content and low energy he's had lately is just disheartening if that's the right word idk. BUT!! We DO have a MASSIVE Thankmas stream coming in December to look forward to!

I miss him and some days I get kinda,, idk, bitter? About the radio silence. But unlike a lot of people that have been in and out of the JSE Community between 2018 to now, I respect his health and the fact that he's a whole ass human being and has a life and other things he is more than free to do instead whenever the fuck he wants. TLDR I think have better critical thinking skills than some people on here and Twitter lmao. And the last few years have been shit, both in the world and- at least on here -in the community (dare I mention the t*ablogs). Though lately the community is quiet and very very peaceful and enjoyable again. At least in my corner here.

The thing is, I'm not and was never here ONLY for egos. I love Sean and everything about him to bits. He made one of the worst few years I had in the 2010s infinitely more bearable and gave me an explosive amount of inspiration for creativity that I'd not really experienced before. And friends I'll never let go of.

I miss ego content. I want it to keep going. I'm extremely sad it might not continue. But as an artist, I know why he was promising big things once upon a time. When you're a creator and you have a story like this, you want to flesh it out. The motivation and muse is high. People are excited and you want to deliver. The difference with Sean is that he wanted it to be as high in quality as he could push for after all our excitement and incessant thirst for more. And his plans involved a budget and more than just himself and none of it was his main focus. It was a fun side project.

HOWEVER, big projects like this get interrupted by life, smaller projects, distractions and other things. Sean got SLAMMED by all of the above non-stop these last few years and then hit a bad burnout. I think that through it all, he hit that dreaded wall some artists with big, long term plans like the egos story hit and lost motivation. It got overhyped. Pressure got too crushing. Any plans he made to FINALLY continue the ego storyline got murdered by Covid more than once (which.. personally the term "excuse" sounds kinda shitty in reference to that imo but I digress). Making promises only to have outside variables beyond his control break them was killing him, so he just stopped promising. And people who have no respect or patience got annoying and some got straight up inexcusably vulgar, immature and hateful before dramatically fleeing the community in a tantrum like he'd personally come to their house and betrayed them. It was infuriating to watch go down.

But no matter how much it might hurt or be disappointing to see it die out, I'm here for Sean and his journey no matter where it takes him. I'm not sitting here being a stubborn beacon of anything. And I also recognize and (no matter how reluctantly) respect that we aren't OWED ego content. Never were. It was not an obligation no matter how many promises he made or how much hype he stirred up. And to be fair? We drove the hype a million miles further than he EVER did and we can't blame him for that. I hate the people who do. I'm grateful for the ego content we got and I'll cry if we ever get more. But if it's done, it's done and we just have to accept it. I, as sad as I am to, accept it. And we can always make our own.

And finally- thanks for the compliment. Idk if I'd say I'm the SMARTEST but that means a lot either way. :')

I hope this gave some answers even though it came out more of a vent/rant and PSA??

Obviously any JSE followers and mutuals please feel free to reblog this. But don't start any fights, not that I really expect there to be any?

[charcubed]

Don’t be shy, share the take 👀

Okay, so last night I bitched in a mini tag rant saying how everyone on my dash was reblogging the same post with the same bad take and it was driving me bonkers, and then this anon sent me this message, and since I have now seen the post on my dash yet again, I will answer this ask lol.

Also this is an SPN-related topic so anyone not in SPN fandom can keep it moving lol

Before I say anything else though: I’m not out here trying to be a Fun Killer or whatever. Please note how I habitually stay in my lane and simply do not interact with posts that I do not like on this site. Do me the same courtesy and keep scrolling if you don’t like what I am about to say! I am also not trying to shade any mutuals who may have reblogged content I dislike. So... I’m gonna keep this very general, because it’s a wider topic anyway. And I know I’m not the only person who feels this way, based on private conversations (with long-time fans, too).

2 main points of contention:

-If people want to talk badly about Jared they can simply do so without involving Misha or Jensen’s name in it with what is typically bad meme-y format posts, coupled with unwittingly bad takes about Misha and Jensen in the process. I am being vague here on purpose, sorry, but whatever.

-And, mostly: this website is developing a problem with wanting to either call Jensen in particular homophobic or queer without using those exact words, and the result in either instance is people coming up with increasingly convoluted ways to be weird about him or towards him. It’s like either they can’t get a read on him so they want to disparage him, or they think they’ve clocked him but don’t want to mention it, and what ends up being posted in word salad hot takes under the guise of enlightenment is either... literal disgusting slurs (fruity, fag, dyke, etc) whether about Dean or Jensen or both, or the idea that Dean is bi but it was an accident and Jensen couldn’t possibly have been aware of that because it happened beyond his will, or that Dean and/or Jensen is simply repressed, or that Jensen wants to fuck Dean, or ????????

And it’s very like... literally what the FUCK are you even saying and why are you saying it, lol. I get that there’s a certain Style Of Typing that’s becoming popular in this fandom on this site right now, and it’s often in the name of this sort of exaggerated joke posting. But half the time people are just slinging around words and everyone thinks it’s funny and (seemingly) not enough people stop to think twice about how it is, more often than not now, getting fucking weird.

Is it a big concerning deal (beyond the slurs thing, which is absolutely inexcusable)? Nah, not yet. But the numbers are getting huge on some of these posts, and that makes me grind my teeth more, because it means this overall attitude/joke posting format is spreading throughout the fandom hivemind with very little resistance. And it’s upping the frequency of that sort of language and shitposting. So while things that stay on Tumblr don’t have huge impact, right now a lot of things are also transferring over to Twitter as fandom and stan culture has shifted. And that’s when we get into Dangerous Territory On The Wider Stage that can trend or route back to actors, especially because of how Twitter algorithms have changed recently. (I can elaborate on that if need be.)

Really the bottom line though is that I am seeing multiple variations / posts along the line of the same thought process, where the actors of this show (especially Jensen and Misha) seem to be casually dehumanized in language I find startling and off-putting, and people are getting this mental disconnect where they’re forgetting that it’s not okay to say certain things about real people even in the name of jokes. It’s even pushing it when it’s characters, but when it’s about the actors it’s the crossing of a double line. So it’s becoming normalized, and then people don’t stop and think twice, and the posts just circulate because they’re “funny,” and then I see the same thing on my dash 8 times and feel like I’m going insane. 

It bothers me and makes scrolling on my dash a minefield of discomfort, but yes, it’s not like that’s going to be seen by the real people in question as of now because Tumblr is Tumblr... but if this mindset becomes pervasive and normalized enough, what happens is people then become even further desensitized especially the kids who are new to fandom, and then in 8 months we’re gonna have some teenager at a con talking about Jensen’s “lesbian photoshoots” to his fucking face and also asking him how he feels about being overtaken by the spirit of a “repressed bisexual character.” The prospect of which makes me feel like I’m going to grow grey hairs.

So. Yeah. There you have it lmao. I am once again asking everyone to stop being weird about real people and queer topics (whether IRL or fictional), be mindful of language, and notice what they’re actually saying or implying in the name of jokes. But, feel free to think ~I take things too seriously~ or am exhibiting ~fake concern~ and just keep scrolling and ignore me though! I am simply answering the question.

[nikatyler]

random questions game

Tagged by @kbeesims. Thank you very much! I’m taking a break from studying rn, so let’s do this.

1. why did you choose your url?

Nika is actually one of the first things I’ve ever called myself as a kid and last year I decided to sort of “reclaim” this old nickname and start using it again in online places and I’m surprised by how right it feels.

As for Tyler, well. I think it’s obvious. In my head he’s the main character of this blog, the mascot, if you will. And also, and this is a bit embarrassing, but about a month or two ago I saw this post that was like “changing names shouldn’t be such a big deal, we expect trans people to do it if they’re uncomfortable with their birth name, but we should normalize EVERYONE changing their names if they’re not okay with it” (or something along these lines). And well, I like my name, but I thought, what if I didn’t like it, what would I pick instead. Immediately, this one popped up in my head. Yeah. I mean it makes sense to me, but it feels so dumb at the same time. So yeah. I guess if you called me Tyler, I would respond to it. I’m not sure how I feel about the fact that I would respond to it, but hey. It’s weird but it would work.

2. any sideblogs? name them and why you have them.

The only one that is still active is my cc finds blog @simmeronnie-cc (yes I need to rename it too, we’ll do that). I don’t really post on my sort-of-studyblr-but-more-like-a-rantblr sideblog or my simspiration blog anymore. Among other things, I rant on twitter again (@/nikatyler22 if anyone’s interested), and I need to bring back the simspo tag on this blog.

3. how long have you been on tumblr?

Almost five years. I refuse to believe that.

4. do you have a queue tag?

I do. Well, I schedule my posts manually, I don’t queue them (because earlier this year I noticed it would eat at least one post a day, so I stopped using it), but still. I don’t know what I’d do without this function haha

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

There was this blog that did this really cool comic with very pretty characters. That’s what convinced me lol, even though my content has never been like theirs.

6. why did you choose your icon?

Because Tyler lol

7. why did you choose your header?

Because Tyler and Sharon and I want to have what they have dAMMIT

But I might change the picture for the one I posted yesterday, you know, the awkward one

8. whats your post with the most notes?

That would be the pride paints post I believe!

9. how many mutuals do you have?

I don’t know, but a lot I think? At least in the simple sense of “I follow you and you follow me.” I never counted it. I’m not sure how many people would actually consider me their mutual or online friend or something like that. I hope someone would haha

10. how many followers do you have?

Over 2 000. What the heck. I mean, not many people are actually active and I think most of them don’t even lurk, but it’s still a pretty cool number

11. how many people do you follow?

I checked and it’s 183. I can’t realistically keep up with all of them but at the same time I’d feel bad for unfollowing any of them

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

My entire blog is a big shitpost tbh, and I wouldn’t have it any other way ✌✨

13. how often do you use tumblr a day?

I usually keep the tab open all day and just check it from time to time. I’m not counting

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

Oooooh boy

Yes. I was dumb, okay? Very dumb.

15.  how do you feel about “you need to reblog” posts?

Those scared me when I was younger, I remember I couldn’t sleep when I was like 8 and saw one of those “repost this or you’ll die in 7 days” pictures. Now I’m okay with them, I just scroll past. Usually. Sometimes I still get nervous. Don’t post them, guys. You can really hurt people with anxiety and similar issues.

16. do you like tag games?

Y E S

17. do you like ask games?

Y E S   Y E S   Y E S   PLEASE SEND ME ASKS

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

One that immediately comes to my mind is @berrysweetboutique. I can’t believe such a big simblr is following me and seeing my daily pixel clownery on their dash :D

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

I don’t, but back in the day, I used to sort of put some simblrs on pedestals and then act in a way that I thought they would like, if that makes sense, and I was really insecure about what they would think, and if we started talking I was so worried I’d say or do something wrong and it was all in all not a great experience. I know it’s not a crush in the romantic sense, but it reminds me of how sometimes you’d go and try to impress a crush and change yourself so that they like you too. I guess they were sort of crushes in the sense of “oh wow this person is so amazing and perfect, I’m so little next to them, they could probably never love me the same way I love them”. Anyway, once you let go of that mentality and just start doing whatever, without trying to impress anyone...oh that freedom is sweet.

Sorry, went off topic here 😅

20. tags?

I’m just gonna tag whoever wants to do this, go make another cup of coffee and go back to my 19th century poetry 😄

[tangledinraps]

i’m genuinely again so sorry i won’t shut up on here but i don’t have twitter to rant anymore and i’m not usually this annoying with sad posts and i’ll stop soon i’m so sorry.

i really just can’t do this anymore. i’m sick of seeing things of people making fun of me buying stuff for my eugene disneybound or even calling me selfish and privileged for posting 2 tweets saying i was upset my trip got cancelled in may (i have it rebooked for august and its literally my bday gift that i deserve after everything i’ve been through these past 2 years). i’m sick of people saying i’m invalidating trauma (when i’m not in any way) when i literally have plenty of my own trauma. i’m sick of people coming on here and taking my screenshots of vulnerable posts like this and putting them on twitter and calling me pathetic and weak. i’m sick of people painting me like a bad person. i just feel like crap i feel like i’m gonna pass out. i’ve been thrown around my entire life and i’ve felt like nobody ever wants me. people always throw me around because i try to act strong but i’m not and they know i’m not. they take the things i care about and make fun of me for enjoying those said things. i doubt anyone’s gonna read this either but i need to rant. there gonna find this too and claim i’m dragging the “drama” on when this isn’t even drama. i’m talking about my feelings. they claim i invalidate people’s feelings but i’m reality they invalidate mine and i also feel as if i’m not valid at this point because of all of this. gosh i’ve been through so much these past few months outside of social media and i’m still trying to heal from that and of course i come onto twitter to make tangled mutuals and i just get bullied. it’s the story of my life and this isn’t the first time this happened in a fandom which makes me feel as if this is all my fault but i know it’s not but i make myself believe it is. sometimes i just wish i had a moment alone to just breathe and scream and cry but i don’t have those moments. it sucks. i’m forced to hold in all of my emotions and it’s gonna be that way for the rest of my time. it’s hard to act strong at this point when that’s all i’ve been doing for the past year in my real life and on social media. there’s times where i wanted to cry irl in really sad situations that i have every right to cry in but i held it in because i hate crying in front of people. i’m human like all of you. i have trust issues from all the times i’ve been lied to and thrown around. all my friends ditched me freshman year without saying a word to me which just really escalated my abandonment and trust issues. i sat alone at lunch every single day and for the first week of school before they ditched me out of nowhere, when i would sit with them i’d try to talk and they’d ignore me. i’m always ignored and i’m always just pushed down and forced to act strong for everyone. i don’t need this right now especially on a platform for a fandom that i make an acc on to make friends and escape my irl issues. tangled the series saved my life. i started the show right when disney+ came out which was less than a month after the hardest time of my entire life. i’m not ready to share what happened out in the open like this but some people know what i’m talking about. i lost someone who i cant live without. i’m still not healed from it and i never will be and it’s not fair. if i never found the show i have no idea where i’d even be right now and i’m too scared to even think about that. it just makes it terrible that the fandom of the show that saved my life is ruining my life again and adding onto my trauma. it’s not fair for them to assume i have no trauma just because i don’t speak out about it. i never felt comfortable speaking about my feelings on twitter because i knew i would get invalidated and i was right. i just don’t even know what to say anymore. i’m sad. and the few people who are lucky enough to know the real me know that i hate talking about my feelings even to my immediate family that i live with. the fitzfam is my family too and it’s not fair that my friends got dragged into this because of me and i feel terrible for it. this whole thing is my fault. the fact that i even typed this shows how numb i feel. i’m sorry.

[rainelot]

GCF in Saipan- A Rant as of August 2018 (Posted December)

(Out in December since I wanted to get a more objective view on things and to edit it slightly. This is just as a memory record anyways so)

When I made this blog, it was meant to be a blog to rant about anything Bangtan that interested me. However, I recently encountered one of the most frustrating, interesting, and baffling two days of my life and I needed to address the cause of this with a rant (that I doubt people will read). The cause: Jungkook’s GCF in Saipan.

WARNING: THIS IS ALL IN GOOD FUN. I claim no rights to what is true or not. Don’t take this too seriously please. Will have Koomin/Jikook references.

To start it off, I don’t like real people shipping. I don’t really care if others do it (as long as they remain sane and logical) but I personally didn’t enjoy doing it for one reason: I don’t know them personally, so it isn’t any of my business. I enjoyed their interactions with each other platonically, using what they gave us upfront as fuel, and whatever else that might be happening to purely up to them. For BTS, I never before cared much for shipping, and just enjoyed every interaction as it is.

Then I watched GCF in Saipan, the catalyst to my descent into a brief insanity. What I can say about Saipan is that it is a theorist haven, perhaps why I’ve become so interested now. By “theorist”, I mean NOT REAL, and my opinions should not be taken as fact. These are all just observations that I personally took from the GCFs.

Perhaps what I should say before going into Saipan specifics is that I watched Tokyo in my early days as a fan. I did not know the context of the song, I did not know Jungkook or Jimin well, so I didn’t think much of it. Of course, I acknowledged it was fairly romantic in setting, but I took it to be interpreted either platonically or romantically, and even now I don’t think too much of it. The video itself has a personal meaning to me: reciprocal love, any shape of it available, with little accents and layers that can be tilted and shifted for the viewer’s own interpretation (as all art). I don’t have too much to say about Tokyo itself, because of how straight forward it is. Saipan is the one that makes no sense if I tried to take it in upfront. I’m not very good at reading behaviors, hence my inability to see what others see as “moments”, but I have done some (very unprofessional) editing before and I absolutely love art analyzing, which the GCFs very clearly are to me.

For this, I will be isolating Saipan in a fairly tight bubble, with little unrelated topics. I won’t be including much outside Jungkook’s art (except in the skeptic area). Some previous GCF mentions/comparisons, some outside views strictly on the films as well will be referenced in the rant itself. Not going to include any deep reading into their overall relationship, mostly an analysis of the GCF.

I watched Saipan (at this point after being a fan for long enough to care) first thinking that something was off. Something wasn’t harmonious with each other. The second time I watched it, I realized the dissonance was between the film and the music. Together, it wasn’t coherent, which is different than all of his work so far. Tokyo, Osaka, even USA though being equally promo-related, they all had more to build upon meaning-wise, the perspectives matched within the film. Saipan’s song both in mood and in subject clashed with the film from beginning to end. Of course, all in my opinion.

Here is the song:

Now, before I go any further, I had an intensive discussion with a mutual on twitter, who is a multi-kpop non-BTS stan. She doesn’t keep up with Bangtan, but she likes some of their songs and is a casual listener. She is also somewhat experienced and knowledgeable in video editing and had very interesting input for the factor of “film sound”, the information from a document which she paraphrased. This was her input through the DMs:

“The Pacific Cinematheque has stated that there two types of sound in film, Diegetic and Non-Diegetic. Diegetic is the sound that we would also experience in real life. Non-Diegetic is any sound we don’t experience in real life like dramatic orchestrated songs or musical score or sound effects like the screeches in the shower scene Psycho.”

“So why do directors use sound? Well (and here it comes) it is to do any of the following 1. add mood 2. add atmosphere to a film. How? By adding these soundscapes that Accent or add another Layer of meaning to the film. The filmmaker wants the audience to perceive the scenes in a specific way, and sound/music leg scenes be seen in the specific way that the director intended. Silence in a film can represent something very important or a turning point. Music, specifically in film, has various uses, but most commonly it is used to “guide the emotional response of the audience”. Music is the clue in scenes, it’s like a huge signpost directing (pun cause the filmmaker is a director anyways off track sorry) the audience on how to react to a scene.”

“So basically what I am saying is that of course Jungkook is aware of the music he’s using in his gcfs, and he’s also aware of the reaction he wants from the films. He used that song because he wanted a specific reaction from the audience, he wanted us viewers to see what his intentions are and at this point I’m insane too cause all I’m thinking is that he wants us to react to Jimin and to focus on that.”

(I may or may not have told her multiple times through out my discussion with her that I feel like I’m going insane. I calmed down before writing this though, for the sake of making any sense and neutrality.)

These are just the basics. If you still aren’t convinced how important a song is in context to a film, then remember: before Jungkook even began making the GCFs, he was doing mainly covers of songs. And he said, specifically to the fans, that the lyrics of his chosen songs are important. He usually chooses them for a reason (what that reason could be, up to the viewer, since he doesn’t outright explain the choices).

So we established that first, Jungkook most likely chose this song with actual thought and intention put into it (again, take that intention with what you may).

Of course, what interested me was Jimin’s parts. Mainly because he is my son (even though I am fairly younger than him), and also because of the teaser Jungkook released shortly before dropping Saipan. Truth be told, I wasn’t really expecting the silly dance nor the punches to be included, as I thought that Jungkook only posted that to show Namjoon and the fans what was going on in the “behind the scenes” video Namjoon posted the day before. Perhaps a little blooper insight. So yes, I was surprised that the scene was included at all, much less becoming a gap-clip repeating between alternating clips of the group and other members. I was also surprised at the amount of time Jimin was shown, as after USA being a very equalized group video, I was expecting the same from Saipan. Similarly to USA, it was very work-oriented and promotional, and also both (definitely USA as from Namjoon’s Vlive) were most likely commissioned by Bighit.

Jimin’s dominates the bridge. By dominate, I mean he is the only one with a completely exclusive part in this particular GCF. Verse 1 was Taehyung, verse 2 was Hoseok, and the choruses are a mix. Jimin appears the most not only through adding up all the small clips, but because he takes up two solid blocks of the song, both with the same context and lyrics. The reason why the it’s hard for me to link the others with their individual parts is because of the way they were shot, the clips that were chosen, all very aesthetically pleasing but difficult to find depth or flow in. Jimin’s parts almost had a story line. This is important to me because of the lyrics, which we shall visit now.

First the meaning of the song. John K. in an interview: He describes the bouncy track’s meaning as “[about] evolving through young love, admitting to past mistakes and committing to giving someone the best possible version of yourself.”

To be honest, this song is not as ambiguous to me as There For You, Troye Sivan, Tokyo GCF. Sure, Troye Sivan is a gay artist, and the song lyrics are directed at a boy. But the lyrics themselves I do think can be taken in any shape of love. For Best of Me, this is not the case. I think Verse 2 is the clearest reason for this:

Waking up next to you

Got you back in my arms

Don't it feel like it use to

Like we were never apart

Never thought I would see you

Now we're loving in the dark

We can't fight this feeling

While I’m a staunch believer in lyrics being universally interpreted and available to all versions of personal view (take Osaka as an example, which is another fairly straightforward GCF), to make it simpler for myself right now and with the tinfoil hat on, I’ll stick with what the song can be most basically understood: lovers who are loving in secret, but wants to be let free.

Here comes a bit tinfoil (not really shippy, but more reading into what it could mean artistically. Purely subjective interpretation):

Now, without going into the ship or anything at all first, here is my artistic interpretation of Jungkook’s editing: the lyrics may be directed at Jimin, but I personally can also intemperate that Jimin in the video embodies the lyrics, or the lyrics embody Jimin in the video. Either way works for me. This is interpretation in the same way people interpret the smile of Mona Lisa (purely individualistic), and it doesn’t rely too much on Jungkook’s true intentions here. Again, I don’t claim any of this as the true meaning, as to me there is no true meaning needed for me.

In the video, Jimin shows the rawest actions. He barely pays attention to the camera half of the time, and when he does, it’s for the sake of the cameraman (Jungkook). This can be seen when in the second bridge part, he shows Jungkook his own camera just off screen, and during the second chorus, he high-fives Jungkook, just off screen once more. I believe Jungkook also chose these parts intentionally, especially the sneeze during the second bridge that he zoomed in on. No matter if the purpose was just to clown Jimin (also possible), it still leads an interesting narrative for me (I know I repeated this multiple times, but no, this may not be the intentions of Jungkook, and it is my own view on it as an art form). The lyrics “I don’t wanna hide no more” building up to “Imma let you get the best of me” was in sync with the way how Jimin bursts from a serious expression into a silly dance, with the silliness continuing later after the chorus and verse 2 into the second bridge. He is true to his actions, letting go of inhibition, essentially not hiding, lying, nor acting anymore. All genuine, silly, honest moments, such as the sneezing, the off camera action, etc.

The editing for the dance part is interesting too. As I said before, I wasn’t expecting it, so it was interesting when it seemed Jungkook added a separate track and layered other clips on top of the silly dancing. This one might be a bit of a stretch, but I can see it like the clips of the groups randomly were “hiding” the silly dancing. No particular meaning needed really, just a technique used in editing that, to me, matches the lyrics in an unintended way. Those were just my thoughts when considering the possibilities of the lyrics, and the visual is pretty cool in the narration. I know from experience that it’s much easier to layer clips (BTS eating) over a longer clip (Jimin dancing) rather than cut them individually to fit around each other. So that’s just a neat observation lol. 

Artistically speaking, Jimin is the only solid narrative and character within the video because there seems to be an actual correlation between the actions he does chronologically with the lyrics given for him. I find it interesting how he and the lyrics embody each other as the video went on. Again, my personal take on a work of art.

Now here’s the ultimate tinfoil-kinda-shippy part of my post. ALL PURE SPECULATION.

This video can be conceptually all about the “hidden”. Looking at this as a GCF, in comparison to his two earliest works, it is a lot more promotional, like USA (I actually have some thoughts on USA and Bangtan as well, and may think about writing a post for it. It’s not gonna be as bad as this one though).

Perspective of GCFs before Saipan:

Onto the subject of music perspectives, Jungkook so far as established a trend of using the perspective within the songs to be directed at the people starring in it, most noticeably in Osaka, with the way the lyrics were directed/about either Jimin or Taehyung’s roles/characters in the film from a first person perspective speaking. Tokyo as well with the last few lines of “running running just to keep my hands upon you”, showing the camera in the perspective of being behind Jimin as he got farther away with the first person pronoun. USA with the “we” point of view, which is then including the film’s perspective as part of the “we”, especially noticed when Jungkook goes to shake Zedd’s hand. I assume then that Jungkook uses the music choices as a way to direct to the people or to include himself in it at some points, rather than being a passive outside third person view. Now that GCF in Newark is out, that is even more obvious, though I also find Newark to be a diverging path in his medium exploration, so the perspective is more centered around himself rather than those around him. GCF in Saipan was made with the same format as those before it so my thoughts on its techniques are the same (I will be ignoring Newark for now since it’s format is so radically different, as well as the fact that its creation doesn’t affect his previous works).

This is important in the case of Saipan being very dissonant with the the perspectives of the film and of the song. Beyond my personal artistic perspective above (which, in my interpretation, I believe is another layer to the narrative, as multiple meanings within art is always the best). Say that the lyrics are from the point of view of the camera as a character in the film (Jungkook), which so far it has been for most of the GCFs. USA’s perspective made sense in that it was a group song, and it’s about a "we”, including Jungkook, reminiscing the old days. Generally equalized screen-time for each member, first person plural perspective, you get it. Sure, the tone and mood of it was off, but at least the perspective made sense. Saipan’s perspective and mood both don’t make sense. As a whole, Best of Me as a song choice doesn’t make much sense, given the perspective of it. Very different to USA, which I previously thought Saipan was going to emulate for reasons already stated.

Saipan is biased to Jimin based on the film and lyric placement, as previously stated, and so narrative-wise, it is also Jimin-biased. The song choice itself is also strange in that Saipan’s song is very clearly not a group song. It is a song with a “me” and a “you”. During the bridges, it’s even more clear how the “me” and “you” works. With the camera being the perspective, the “me” is the singer speaking, and the “you” (if we base this off of how Jungkook’s use of perspective works thus far) is directed at whoever is on screen. The same way Tokyo was directed at Jimin, and in Osaka, Jimin and Taehyung appeared whenever the lyrics were directed at them (Taehyung appearing at “he’s taking your side of the bed” so he is the subject of the “you” in that set of lyrics, similar to how “running running just to keep my hands upon you” in Tokyo, the “you” was Jimin. Again, Jungkook uses the camera as part of the narrative, hence the use of communication between camera and “actor”).

Well, you may ask, why isn’t anyone else’s part in the going to be the same? Especially Hoseok’s part, which to be honest, I’m surprised no one mentioned much? They mentioned how the song had questionably romantic lyrics, and everyone freaked out about how beautiful Hobi was in the video (same though) but his part coincided with those questionable lyrics I mentioned earlier. Why doesn’t that indicate Jungkook proclaiming his undying love for Hobi? Well, the main reason is most likely “selective context”. That part by itself could allude to that, but as a whole, the film focused on someone else. So this is an example of taking parts of something to make a different whole. That’s why the structure of Saipan felt different than those before it. Tokyo was linear, Osaka was alternating between two, USA was group, and Saipan is... weird.

So, during the bridges, the “me” is the “I don’t wanna hide no more, I don’t wanna lie no more” and the “you” is “’cause what I found in you is so real”. Depending on who the camera’s perspective is, this can be taken in many different ways. However, USA makes me believe that the camera itself is really Jungkook (as I always assumed so) and not the fans, a third person, etc. If the “me” is Jungkook, and the “you” is Jimin -  well, I did sort of lose my sanity for two whole days.

In short, for an entire two days I was convinced Jungkook was in love with Jimin or at least had some sort of romantic connection with him in some way. Not that they were in a relationship, I was feeling something much too sudden for me to give it labels, and much too isolated to consider any “big picture”. And I felt like I was going insane because of how out of the blue my own reaction was. As I said before, I’m no shipper. So it was shocking and a little terrifying when I was so convinced. (I am calmer now, and have a relatively more neutral stance on the pairing once more, thankfully).

The main reason why I was so convinced previously was because of one reason: with input from my perspective analysis, I believe the GCFs are from Jungkook’s point of view (as we all believe). With the song choice and the clips chosen, it was a surprise to me when I thought about the film more carefully. I don’t ship BTS because to me, those are outside opinions on what’s happening, behavioral analysis videos, coincidence theories, etc. Sure, they can be interesting, sometimes cute, but I don’t see any need to support or pay too much mind to it. With GCFs, it was different because this was not outside perspective. This was Jungkook. This was his video, that he filmed and edited and spent time on. Like with his covers, as he had told us before, they (could) have meaning. They (could) tell a story, that may change the way you view his work. So what exactly could he be trying to tell us has been interesting for me to interpret. Of course, I still don’t think it matters much to have an absolute “True Meaning” unless he gives out one, and even then, art is appreciated in many ways, with so many facets and personal subjective connections. I don’t think I’m right, just that it’s what I perceived. And for me, it took me off guard how disconnected from the rest of the film the bridges were. They were so different in mood, in style, the bias, the commutative narrative going on. I couldn’t understand what Jungkook was saying, unlike all GCFs previous where it felt more coherent and I could at least somewhat figure out his message. And while perhaps Saipan simply doesn’t have a message, that’s hard to believe with this ongoing narrative.

This basically comes down to the opposing ideals in my mind. On one hand, I would hate to assume anything about someone I don’t actually know, especially when it’s something so personal and not-my-business. On the other hand, I would hate to dismiss anything that could be meaningful from an artist who put a lot of thought and handwork into a project of their’s. Something my art teacher of four years told me before “don’t be scared of being wrong about reading into an artwork, because they want you to see the things you are seeing”. Perhaps it’s all on purpose without any personal meaning? Maybe. I’ll stick with the “meaningful narrative but not necessarily romantic” for my own safety.

Who knows? Here’s some counterclaims to cheer you up and help me regain sanity.

Speculative counterarguments with responses and more doubt and speculation (my irl friend helped to come up with some of them, just in case):

Counterclaim:The song is meant to be taken platonically, with more focus on literal meaning on the chorus parts “Imma let you get the best of me”, aimed at either the members or at the fans. The song may also be promotional due to it having the same name as one of their own song. This means the entire video was focused more on promo (like the end “Summer Package” text).

Response: Jungkook does care about lyrics, and even with promo possibly being the main focus (which I do think it is a big part of it), I don’t think he will choose a song with the same name at random. However, it is possible he wanted to choose a song with the same name (promo, personal reason, who knows) and also thought the lyrics applied minimally (and liked it musically). As I said before, I am a big “lyrics can mean anything” person, so taking romantic lyrics and using them for platonic or other situations is something I can see happening. So yeah. This is definitely possible.

Counterclaim: Jimin is focused on for the bridge part because of the lyrics “I don’t wanna lie no more” tying to his “Lie” solo from Wings (my friend is the one who came up with this one)

Response: This one I find there is a low possibility of. Mostly because even if that was the case, why would Jimin dominate the entire bridge, including the other lyrics? Jungkook could have easily edited in other members, like the mixture he does for the verses and especially the choruses. Just put in a little shot of Jimin at the lie part and move on. So, this is unlikely (along with the fact that I really doubt Jungkook chooses songs and clips based on that) Which leads to the next counter:

Counterclaim: Jungkook very simply enjoys filming Jimin most, due to familiarity and Jimin being more comfortable with it. He’s at the bridges for content symmetry and also because there were simply more footage of him because of ease and accumulation. He sees Jimin as a very fun and goofy person, so he used the funny clips. There is no deeper meaning behind Jimin’s shots.

Response: Sure, I guess. This comes down to “how personal are the GCFs for Jungkook?”, which I would personally say very much so but I digress. They’ve already proven that Jungkook enjoys pointing the camera Jimin a lot in recent interviews (5th army mainly). I still think the most questionable parts of the video was how Jimin was singled out at the bridge parts and what the lyrics could possibly mean along with that, but I won’t rule this one out for the sake of accumulating other possibilities, no matter how much I believe in Jungkook’s artistic vision and my innate enjoyment in getting random meanings out of everything for fun. Again, platonic intention is possible to me. You may disagree, and that’s completely fine. I’m still neutral about this, because hey, anything is possible. So don’t get too carried away.

Counterclaim: So what about Osaka, if you consider the lyrics literally? Does that mean Taehyung, Jimin, and Junkook are in a love triangle?

Response: Honestly, I would like to do a personal analysis of Osaka in a separate post in the future (if I have time). Here’s a taste of what I think of it in a shorter answer to Osaka in general: it is actually possibly my favorite GCF, reasons being that I adore the the little no-music cuts Jungkook did, and also because Vmin is one of my favorite relationships in Bangtan. Due to sentimental reasons, Vmin has a very special place to my heart. Osaka feeds that part of my soul I suppose. Now, about the lyrics and the supposed love training happening, the thing is that Osaka is very different from Saipan in terms of use of perspective, use of cuts, screen time, etc. Personally, I see Osaka as a film about the maknae-line as a whole, with a smidgen of Jimin-bias. I don’t see the film about a love triangle, especially not a romantic one. Hope I can make a separate post detailing this.

Now that I’m done, I want people to not overthink it too much (unlike me). Of course, Saipan for me personally was just incredibly interesting because of how off and strange it felt to me in comparison to the other GCFs, but in regards to shipping, don’t invest too much emotionally. Enjoy what you get from all members, get attached to a pair maybe. But don’t let it completely take over your life. I like the speculative agnostic approach best (similar to my favorite blogger in regards to KM). Sure, Saipan had me go insane for two days straight out of the blue, but coming down from the insanity was a learning experience, especially returning to my neutral stance, which I enjoy greatly.

Making this more clear once again: this is not a post exposing Jungkook or anything. I do not claim any of this as his real thoughts. In fact, I don’t even believe any of what I’ve interpreted entirely. Those to me are “possibilities” to be thought, but not to be declared as truth. I think I’m probably wrong about a lot of this. Since again, why else do people still question what exactly Mona Lisa was smiling so mysteriously about? (she knows something we don’t, as the critics say).

If you want a more impartial opinion on GCF in Saipan, I recommend this director's outlook. I recommend using a non-biased mind to read this non-biased outlook. It is very interesting by itself as a professional's opinion. Please do not take the post as fodder for ships nor the definitive meaning of Saipan (if there even was one, who knows). We will never know for sure unless Jungkook ever decided to explain it if he wishes to. And if he never does, that’s fine too. Distinguishing what is reality, what is our reality, and what is someone else’s reality is extremely important.

Thanks for reading if you did! Hope it wasn’t the most awful thing ever. Tell me what you think about my interpretation, my opinions, counterarguments and counter-counterarguments. I do like KM as a ship now in some way, but again, all in good fun, and I don’t really want to give the relationship any labels. I don’t really want to take any of this too far other than a long rant to let out some parallel universe thoughts.

This was made also before I really got into any KM speculation, and it’s all very interesting. But I currently don’t really want to form a solid opinion on anything, or read too deeply. Maybe I will, one day. Or not. Since like I said, I’m not good at reading people.

It’s very likely no one will even see this, but as a personal record of my thoughts, it feels good to put them down.

💦 ☔💦

[yuckubus]

disclaimer: i love all my mutuals and respect their opinions, y’all will be missed if you decide to unfollow after i pour my judgmental heart out

1. the most well-rounded member of bts, is hoseok. yall can argue that it’s jk, but i said what i said 

2. minghao with a mullet is godtier; out of all the male idols with mullets, he is The king. 

3. speaking of seventeen, a lot of their songs are very edm-inspired but it works really well for them 

4. woozi deserves recognition for the songs he produces, like i really hope he gets an award for his production skills bc he’s amazing 

5. i feel like most wonwoo stans, stan him for his beauty and not his talent (which, he’s not a bad rapper)

6. that being said, i wish he (wonwoo) played around a little more bc his flow is kinda predictable. not only that, but he can do more than just rap lowly and get loud.

7. seokmin/ dokyeom > jungkook, in terms of vocal ability. he’s just better 

8. imo, in terms of like younger groups i guess? leader wise, namjoon is the best leader. im not saying other group leaders like scoups, for example, are bad at their abilities to lead, but i think nj really is. 

9. spring day, don’t leave me, the truth untold, best of me, and whatever else yall try to advocate as good songs...are not good. they dont do anything for me. sorry

10. also just one day is the superior rnb bts song. 

11. house of cards didn’t deserve all the hype it got. like, its good but it hasnt done anything for me since i heard the full version.

12. while im not as into got7 as i used to be, ya’ll took all the stuff that happened with got7 and RAN lol like yall really went in on them and still do and it’s sorta.. annoying? like i get why people do not like certain members (i really do!!) but its tired now. it has been for a while 

13. speaking of got7, if they did more stuff like just right (since it worked so well for them) and the flight log trilogy, ESPECIALLY turbulence, it would be effective

14. I dont know why people think lucas from nct is so dumb, he just has moments 

15. speaking of lucas, i dont see any purpose for him in nct. he doesn’t provide anything special or new except some personality and physical beauty.

16. sm either needs to get rid of some members of nct, or really talk to these niggas bc he doesnt seem to care about anyone but mark, taeyong, jaehyun, and doyoung...and sorta lucas 

17. jungwoo is a product of taemin. either that man is his father, or he’s a relative. 

18. in terms of like newer and young rappers, mark lee is the only one with some potential; sometimes, he lacks, but he really is the only one 

19. jaemin and jeno ended and revived kpop with their verses in Go! 

20. chanyeol and sehun go off in some exo songs, especially forever. they’re still not great rappers.

21. exo has the better vocal line and bts has the better rap line. i just ended every pointless, unnecessary fanwar.

22. the exo l x army beef is so..stupid like all of y’all look childish. deadass. it’s never that deep unless both sides really said some serious shit and, most cases they dont so literally shut up lol

23. astro’s danceline are amazing

24. JEALOUSY BY MONSTA X? SLAPS. HARD

25. kihyun’s voice is absolutely beautiful and deserves that recognition bc he really has such a beautiful voice 

26. Pentagon’s first album is THAT first mini album. if you havent invested time in it, please do

27. like the wonwoo thing, mingyu and wonho stans only stan these boys for physical attractiveness. I see something all the time (on twitter) anout wonho’s body and not really much about just him. this sounds fake deep, but forreal 

28. stan twitter in general has great memes and stuff, but they are quite literally, the worst set of fans i have ever seen. facebook fans and instagram fans are just evil too but stan twt is satan. 

29. in terms of talent level in twice...there’s 9 girls and only 4/9 really do something. i do love them though

30. tzuyu is great and shes so pretty but that’s it. the personality and everything else, where is it

31. imma be honest, i think chaeyoung is the prettiest

32. kyla isnt coming back to pristin, we all know this. it’s just time to face it 

33. people only care about like 5 members of pristin, and theyre all in pristin v...there was a reason for their creation lol

34. miss shannon, aka sungyeon, of pristin? she’s got lungs and deserves to be seen as more than just her round face 

35. MISS JOY is That member of red velvet

36. i dont think this is unpopular, but all the good rapper idols would be so much better if they just didnt sink into a niggaboo phase

37. ALL MEN WHO RUN ENTERTAINMENT COMPANIES (I.E. JYP, SM, YG, HITMAN BANG, AND WHOMEVER ELSE) ARE EVIL. IDC 

38. i dont,...really care for jennie; she overdoes the cuteness sometimes 

39. rose would be so much more powerful if she dropped the sza syndrome (I hope this isnt offensive, if it is please let me know)

40. if wendy wasn’t the leader and main vocalist of red velvet, her ass would have already been gone for that crap she pulled again

41. girl groups? are just as low down and dirty with their racism and antiblackness but that stuff gets hidden really well unless you look it up...or are mamamoo 

42. IOI SHOULD HAVE LIVED LONGER THAN WANNABE. no one wants to hear that shit, ioi was giving us bops but after that year was up, they couldnt wait to get rid of them...but wannaone still exists. ok

43. all the my idols are gay legends stuff is kinda annoying now... like...you dont know their actual sexuality, so stop trying to justify your weird ass argument with proof from 1997, it’s not cute (this could be said about yoongi, but i mean in general)

44. people dont see holland as more than his sexuality, and what i mean by that is, a lot of people dont care about him or wont until he starts interacting with male idols, so people can start shipping them with him

45. kpop stans do women involved with male groups so fucking dirty, like ya’ll cannot wait to tear them down due to your insecurities as a fan. You’re not marrying any of them, so pipe the fuck down  

46.nonblack stans, especially on twitter, dont really care about black issues lol yall do that fake oh my god im so sorry :( then use some form of aave with ?????????? and then move on. 

47. IF KPOP GROUPS WOULD JUST ACKNOWLEDGE AND PROPERLY APOLOGIZE ABOUT THEIR PAST ACTIONS, MAYBE WE CAN LEARN AND MOVE ON; BUT THEM AND THEIR COMPANIES REFUSE TO. it’s like trying to feed a baby who doesn’t wanna be fed 

48. people are allowed to still be upset about an idol’s past actions. it is valid ESPECIALLY if you are a fan of color. You are also allowed to unstan and not explain yourself bc no one’s gonna beat your ass for it. 

49. these idols and their companies dont really care about their fans as much as they want y’all to believe. i believe they care to a degree, but it’s exaggerated

50. none of yall are family; you can say it a million and six times, but you really only believe that if you are not a person of color.

51. ya’ll do not know these idols like you think you do; they choose what they want you to show, even in their “RAW” shows; they are not going to let you see them in their 100% real self, ya’ll are strangers to them 

52. being on kpop social media is exhausting, and idk how any of yall are able to do it 24/7. kpop is not that interesting enough for me to be around all day and all night. 

53. Idol groups that play instruments deserve the world 

54. that being said, i hope that n.flying, day6, and the rose get recognition because they’re out here being multi-talented, funny, and good looking. 

i have more opinions but these are ones i could think of. anyway, hope yall enjoyed my ranting. 

[itswhatcouldhappen]

Cultural Appropriation Rant

If this cultural appropriation shit keeps up, soon enough we should just all divide ourselves into mini countries and keep our cultures hidden from each other. We keep fucking dividing ourselves by race and culture. The more we keep doing this, the more our country weakens. I’m sorry! But isn’t this America?!?! Land of the free. A so called melting pot where we can all learn from each other and share in everyone’s culture! We need to handle extremists on both sides which are: 1) the assholes that thinks its funny to dress up and mock cultures and do it to fuck around and 2) the people that refuse to allow even a piece of jewelry to be worn because its somehow misplacing meaning and shit. I’m sorry but I am a person of color (I hate that fucking term by the way but for the sake of this) and JESUS CHRIST! THE CONSTANT NITPICKING AND ATTENTION SEEKING! Look if someone is going to intentionally make fun of my culture then yeah I will be fucking pissed and I have every right to stand up for what it is. But if someone genuinely likes the kind of clothes my culture has brought to the table then by all means. If you think it’s beautiful and want to incorporate it then I think you’re beautiful for thinking my culture is beautiful. If you have respect for it then I have respect for you. Simple as that. I feel this day and age everyone wants to get mad at every little fucking thing and just craves attention. Let’s respect each other because we are human not because of the color of our skin. Race isn’t even a scientific concept. It is a man made sociological concept. Let’s begin to change that by learning about each other’s culture rather than “race.” You know how we deal with extremists and prevent this bullshit in the future? This is just my opinion. WE EDUCATE!!! And I’m not saying stopping someone and yelling at them that it’s cultural appropriation or going on someone’s YouTube or Twitter feed and cussing them out. No. That just lessens your argument and gets everyone to roll their eyes. We go to the classrooms and we teach our kids and the future generation about EVERY CULTURE. Not just black and white. ALL CULTURES. We focus on white history. We focus on black history. We focus on Hispanic history. We focus on Asian history. We focus on Pacific Islanders. EVERYTHING!!! We are so restricted by what we learn and on top of that people want to remove history. This is why we have so many issues because our education system FUCKING SUCKS! THAT IS THE FUCKING TRUTH!!! We need to fight for our education reform because if not, we are going to be following blindly and making it easier for our government to manipulate us. Not in a dictatorship kind of way. No (but hey maybe lol). No I’m saying like look at how much control the media has over people. MOST OF IT IS EXAGGERATED STORIES AND THINGS THAT JUST ARENT TRUE! They get a rise out of people by reporting SOME stories and exaggerating the shit out of them with stupid titles and shit like that. Social media has found a way to connect us but also a way to divide us. If we educate ourselves we can avoid disrespecting other cultures and just each other as human beings! I think that we need to balance our extremes and just come to an ACADEMIC mutual decision/discussion/agreement. We all are never going to agree with each other. That’s not who we are as humans. BUT! We can try to UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER! That is the key. This is all just my opinion and what I’ve seen in my day to day life. Please educate yourself about everyone! Not just your own culture and the mass popular opinion. The popular opinion is not always the right opinion, especially when it is hypocritical and doesn’t take the time to listen to a different side of the story. Educate yourselves and your children. It will save us from the direction we are going. Much love!

-E. Truths

[heavyyhearts-blog]

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

[iokoye]

(1/4) I was ashamed when my first reaction to learning Jmo was leaving was relief. Not because I wanted her gone but relief that she would move on and therefore I would be free from this fandom. It's been so miserable and isolating for me as a SQ shipper to love Jmo & Emma. Finding a blog that is kind to the actress and character has not been common and even then, those blogs still show an obvious preference for Lana & Regina.

more under the cut cause it’s quite long

2/4) I love Lana & Regina, I adore them. But my initial draw to the show and relationship (and subsequently Tumblr) was Jennifer Morrison and the strong, beautiful character she played. I feel in love with her and then I fell in love with the relationship I saw forming. And while I initially found peace and hope in this fandom and a sense of self awareness in terms of my self and my sexuality, it has become a draining, wretched place. 

(¾) Do you know how much it hurts to feel isolated from your own fandom? To feel like an outcast for loving someone? To feel mocked and belittled and put down for finding inspiration in a character and an actress? How hard it is for the most popular bloggers to be the most vocally against them? And while there are bloggers like yourself who occasionally speak out against such behavior, you seem to be silent when it matters most.

(4/4) And the people who claim to be against such behavior, still follow and interact and even maintain friendships with the most hateful users. And just when I thought I was free to enjoy my ship from a distance, when I thought ‘surely they must be done. Jmo is gone and there’s nothing left to discuss.’ I find I can’t even safely return to what I love because people are as hateful as ever. I’m sorry I unloaded all of this on you but it’s something I’ve held in for a while and it’s been killing.

okay so.. i’m gonna try to reply to this in the most unbiased and non hateful way possible. 

i can relate to most things you say. before i joined the ouat fandom i was already in love with regina (not knowing that she was an asshole asjfasf) because i had seen gifs of her BUT right when i saw jen’s character i fell in love with her. i related to her character on a spiritual level and to this day it really bothers me whenever people hate on her (and still ship sq). i appreciate emma’s development, i.e. not being as closed off as she was on s1, s2 and EVEN s3, i feel like it’s beautiful and like i said because i see myself in her it’s inspiring to see someone grow this much. i’m proud of her and i love her.i can even admit that i was a jen stan like a year ago lmao, she seemed like a sweetheart and i just loved her, plus it helped that she played one of my favorite characters on ouat. 

i never really… acknowledged that i had this “ignorance is bliss” mentality but i slowly realized (and by myself) that jen wasn’t like emma at all and some stuff came up that i dind’t really like. actors are different from their characters and most people that love emma on the sq fandom separate jen from emma so that they can still enjoy the character. i’m being 100% serious when i say that i love regina and emma equally, they are part of a ship that helped me grow and get educated; finding my sexuality and my community but jennifer has never done that for me. lana? maybe. she voices her support for people like me ANY chance she gets (like she said, actors have a platform that they can use to speak up and “to help people that can’t necessarily be themselves”. this was her response to a question that was actually about me not being out to my family or anyone in real life) and i’ll admit that if it wasn’t for her i would’ve left the ouat fandom a LOOOOONG time ago, maybe how i feel about lana is how you feel about jen and i’m in no way invalidating that.

i know that the ouat fandom is gross and it’s honestly bad for your health and stuff like that. i was in a really bad place a year ago, i had zero self respect and on that year i realized that sq was never going to happen and it broke me. i started watching this show at the end of 2013 and started shipping sq on like… the show hiatus of 2014 and i never lost hope for sq. NEVER. but this fandom can bring you down all the time lmao like.. it is TRULY the WORST fandom that i’ve ever been in. the loudest voices that are considered the mouth piece for each fandom are horrible; most anti shippers on twitter are horrible and even some fans can act like misogynistic/homophobic goobs most of the time; racism - people acting like they’re racist so they can be edgy; people that ship real life people together asfjafs - i realize that it CAN be extremely draining which is why i stepped away from the fandom in the first place.

ok so… now this is the hardest topic and i’m not sure if you’re going to like what i’m going to say but know that this isn’t a personal attack on you. this is MY opinion and i’m going to describe what i’ve seen people say on social media (i am in no way speaking FOR anyone else). you genuinely seem like a good person and i’m honored that you came to me with this “rant”. i’m glad you let it out and if you need to talk some more know that i’m here. some shippers that i’ve encountered don’t like jen for specific reasons (i.e. not being vocal about her support of the lgbt+ community and other minorities for example) and no it’s not about whether or not she is up sqs ass, that doesn’t matter at least not for the issue at hand. in my opinion, some of the stuff she has done is morally unacceptable and again i’m not talking about ships (i’m not going to get into it cause i don’t want to cause drama but i have my own reasons to not like jen). i’m not going to share someone elses story because it’s not my place but if you set “ignorance is bliss” aside and try to learn why people don’t identify with jen as much then you’ll understand. i don’t know why you would be mocked for liking jen unless you defend her blindly 24/7. i have friends that are jen stans that say “hey, i understand. you’re right and your feelings are valid” and they don’t even ship sq lmao. so there’s a difference between knowing that said actor is not really a pure innocent angel and choosing to not hear other peoples opinions just because you love jen and only what you think of her matters. also, this isn’t a callout for any mutual of mine, in fact i can’t even think of anyone that i follow that does this. 

the times that i speak up against jen hate are when people target her for her looks and how “dead” her character is on the later seasons (not to mention how i cannot stand emma hate. i’m not an emma apologist but shipping sq and hating emma is shocking to me lmao). if you have anything to say about her then do so with actual arguments instead of saying how ugly she is and being vocal about it 24/7 using derogatory names for women, such as bitch and cunt. i don’t know what you mean by “you seem to be silent when it matters most” so if you could clarify i’d really appreciate it!i realize that it’s somewhat hard to acknowledge that your idol isn’t that great (unless it’s someone like depp in that case fuck you), i know that you’re lgbt+ so i’m not going to police your feelings towards her cause that’s nasty, i would never do such a thing but literally no celebrity is perfect. they make mistakes, some more than others and sometimes they’re not as vocal about social issues as they should be, which is weird to many people. everyone has their own reasons to like and to not like jen but at the end of the day what matters is what you think of her and if you don’t say that people should feel the same way, remember that not everyone sees her the way you do! some even have bad real life encounters and experiences with her and while i realize some of the hate she gets is just extra and pathetic, some of it makes sense and it’s perfectly understandable for people to be disappointed in the way she behaves.

if you think any type of hate is going to stop just because jennifer left you’re wrong lmao this fandom is always going to find something to fight over!! there’s ALWAYS drama 24/7 nonstop. i don’t want to tell you to stop loving jen. i never did something like that and i’m definitely not going to start now. hate her or love her it doesn’t matter. if you find solace in who she is as a person (and her character) then that’s fine, just remember that some people dislike her for valid reasons and it’s not just fandom drama.hit me up on and off anon if you need to talk some more! i’m sorry that you feel this way and i wish that i could do something about it but there really isn’t :/ have a good day

[psychohelmet]

5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 22, 33, 40

under the cut cause it’s long af

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

tbh i can’t rmb a lot of birthdays cause they’re like any other day? just with good food lol. well this used to be a good memory but i don’t wanna associate myself with these people anymore. well basically it was a combined birthday/ xmas celebration with a few friends i had made on a sch trip to the uk. the seniors in this group of friends had arranged to meet the juniors at a said location but they ended up stalling and giving us clues to where they were (which was pretty annoying but cute) and when we reached the said location, there was a nice picnic set up with PIZZA and gifts. we just kinda chilled, played games, flew kites etc. it was nice ahaha. but one person in that group pissed me the heck off so now it’s kind of a tainted memory.

6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

probably last years. it was again … like just a normal day. sad. but what made it bad was that one of the friends that i consider close as heck, didn’t wish me happy birthday till literally mins before my birthday ended. i don’t wanna sound petty but it really made me upset. and … i found out she had a fun eventful date with her boyfriend (newish at the time) and that made me even more upset… yeah … i don’t wanna sound petty but things like these get to me lol

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

having no eye-bags. ahahah honestly i have nothing to be proud of. but having no eye-bags is pretty impressive for someone who has a messed up sleeping schedule. literally all uni/ college/ art sch students will have eye-bags but i don’t. i know it’s not that special ahaha

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

honestly there’s nothing. i’m not happy with my body. that’s it. 

10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

tbh idk what would consider the biggest fight? i’ve definitely gotten into pretty bad verbal fights but nothing physical. tbh most of the fights i’ve had were misunderstandings or stemmed from manipulation. i wouldn’t consider them “big” but they were bad alright and i rather not talk about it cause it brings back horrible memories.

22: Talk about your worst fear.

probably the fear of being forgotten and having nobody to lean on/ talk to. this mainly stemmed from never really having stable friendships as a kid and bullying that happened as a teen. whenever i think someone’s a good friend, they seem to find someone better and i’m just left behind. orrrrrr that i feel like there’s literally nobody i can talk to because my problems seem so minuscule compared to others plus some people can’t seem to understand the problems i have and tend to brush it over saying it’s all in my head and that i need to grow up… etc etc but yeah being alone sucks. i might seem like i talk to many people but honestly i don’t. i probably only talk to 1 or 2 people daily but if they don’t text back, then oh well… just nobody then

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

cry, rant about it on twitter (hoping someone will actually talk to me), listen to music, lay in bed and contemplate my existence. basically i do anything to numb out the “sadness” but i tend to talk to myself more and create more fictional scenarios to make myself feel better

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

tbh i read this as “talk about ending your life” and i was like ????? ahaha ok umm the end of a friendship i really treasured??? it was probably one of the closest tumblr friendships i’ve formed. it lasted, i think, for 4 years before it just ended like that. it was with this person who i met in the knb fandom and we instantly clicked because we both liked the same characters and shared the same ship. i rmb us bonding over new years’ talking about dumb imagine scenarios and lowkey role-play ahaha. this person was also probably the first person i gave my number to? we even met up a couple of times. we’ve been thru thick and thin. i rmb being for this person’s suicidal patches and trying my best to support them and helping them to get psychiatric help. but suddenly this person changed and i couldn’t feel comfortable around them anymore. for lack of better phrasing, it felt like person’s life and troubles were sucking the life out of me and conversations were becoming very very short and forced. this friendship was slowly becoming toxic. they moved fandoms so it became even harder for me to connect and talk to them. i didn’t want to stop talking to them because of this and i didn’t want it to seem like just because they were mentally ill and they had a lot of issues, i didn’t want to be friends anymore. once or twice this friend snapped at me for sounding “boring” and “naggy” for caring for them and well, just not showing interests in their new fandoms. they obviously found new friends and they started to act even more ridiculous like one of those people that memes too hard. i knew that this friend had been thru a lot esp when it came to friendships. they honestly were sick and tired of being used and people leaving them. they kinda had this policy “if you put in effort, i’ll put in effort too. if you don’t, then bye i don’t need people like you anymore”. so one day i just didn’t reply to their text because it had came to the point that i had no idea how to reply to a “ahahah ok” kind of text. they didn’t reply to check up on me once. i did think of replying like a “omg i forgot to reply ahaha sorry” but the thing is, i’ve been pulling off that bs for too long and noticed that they never texted first to check up on me so i just gave up. we hadn’t talked for 6 months and i randomly decided to check their twitter account (cause i had muted them because they were constantly spamming my tl) and they broke mutuals. i was, of course, a bit sadded but i went down to scroll and idk maybe find a reason for unfollowing me, and i saw that this “friend” of mine, tweeted saying that wanted to keep their following count at 69 and only wanted to follow back mutuals so whoever that wanted to remain mutuals, to like the tweet. so since i had them on mute, i didn’t see it and they broke off officially from my life. lmao this all sounds pretty pathetic and not worth mentioning but given that this person was a huge chunk of my life and that i’ve been thru their highs and lows, it just kinda sucks. it saddens me even more that even tho i cared so much for this person, this person eventually didn’t give 2 shits about me after finding new friends that they could feed off positivity from. i know that i’m not the best friend, or that i’m not an entirely positive person but the way this friendship ended was so … ok that’s enough of this. i’m leaving out a lot of details but oh well i rambled for too long

[ukiinas]

Tagged by @andy-arias​ thank you!

Rules: Answer all the questions, then add one of your own and tag as many people as there are questions. (I’m only tagging several mutuals)

Tagging: @14tongtx1, @sans-merveilles, @misakarose, @kurolove, @atesan, @ryuzakki, + anyone who wants to do this! Just say I tagged you ;)

(Under the cut bc it’s super long)

1) Coke or Pepsi? I don’t drink much of either, but probably coke 2) Disney or Dreamworks? Dreamworks 3) Coffee or Tea? tea, but I don’t mind coffee either 4) Books or Movies? books, unless movies do REALLY amazing adaptations 5) Windows or Mac? I’ve never properly used a Mac but judging from what I’ve seen, I prefer Windows functions but prefer the Mac display 6) D.C or Marvel? I’m not a fan of either 7) Xbox or PlayStation? I’ve never owned/tried either ;w; 8) Dragon or Mass Effect? I’ve never played neither but I really want to try them out!! They look amazing 9) Night Owl or Early Riser? night owl. I completely ruined my sleep schedule since uni started and now I usually sleep at 5am 10) Cards or Chess? chess! I only know how to play 象棋, 圍棋, and 五子棋 though ;w; idk anything about international chess (nor do I have any knowledge about card games other than uno LOL) 11) Chocolate or Vanilla? both, but I tend to go with chocolate first 12) Vans or Converse? Converse 13) Lavellan, Trevelyan, Canadash or Adaar? what are those o_O 14) Fluff or Angst? I’m a sucker for BOTH. need a healthy balance of both to maintain my shitty life 15) Beach or Forest? the beach! the forest is cool too but the first thing I think of is humidity and bugs and that doesn’t sound very appealing to me 16) Dogs or Cats? both, but I feel more spiritually connected w/ cats so I usually prefer cats to dogs ufeelme 17) Clear Skies or Rain? I either like clear skies or HEAVY RAIN, there is no in between 18) Cooking or Eating out? eating out...I hate cooking it takes too much effort. also I suck at it 19) Spicy or Mild Food? mild food. I can’t stand spicy food, nor do I like it very much, unless it’s wasabi 20) Halloween/Samhain or Solstice/Yule/Christmas? Christmas; I prefer the mood (+ pretty lights!) 21) Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot? a little too cold. you can always wear more layers if you’re too cold, but you can’t...take off your skin...if you’re too hot (sorry in advance for the overly vivid unnecessary imagery) 22) If you could have a superpower what would it be? either invisibility or teleportation. time-stopping would be super neat too. 23) Animation or Live Action? animation. I’m more interested in how those visuals + sounds mix together 24) Paragon or Renegade? is this a Mass Effect thing? I haven’t played it so idk ;w; 25) Bath or Shower? shower. baths are essentially immersing yourself in your own filth...not cool 26) Team Cap or Team Iron-Man? neither 27) Fantasy or Sci-Fi? fantasy, although I don’t mind sci-fi at times 28) Do you have three or four favorite quotes it so what are they? too many to list, but these two have been my favorites for quite a while: [1] "I don't really like people who go around brandishing the banner of justice. No matter the reason, where humans are involved, there is no black or white, no justice or evil. There is only our will." - Oz, Pandora Hearts (surprise surprise, the one in my description) [2] "Happiness is like glass...one doesn't notice it normally. However, it is actually there. If you change the angle you look at it, the glass will reflect light. It will state its presence and existence more eloquently than any other thing in the world." - Suzaku, Code Geass 29) YouTube or Netflix? YouTube, I’ve never went on Netflix save for that one time when Voltron S2 first released 30) Harry Potter or Percy Jackson? I’ve read neither so I can’t say ;w; 31) When do you feel accomplished? finishing a manga coloring and/or spewing out a fluid fic chapter 32) Star Wars or Star Trek? neither 33) Paperback book or Hardcover book? hardcover; I hate how the cover(s) on paperback books bend 34) Fantastic beast or Cursed Child? I’ve read/watched neither 35) Rock or Pop Music? rock. pop is pleasing once in a while, but I can never truly get invested in it 36) What is the most important thing in your life? living life to the fullest at the current moment in life; to not dwell on the past or worry about the future. (at least I try not to) 37) Mountains or Sea/Ocean? both! 38) How do you express yourself? ...I usually scream/rant/vent on twitter and everyone probably mutes/unfollows me since I’m so annoying. :’D 39) What’s the first book/film that really counted to you? WARRIOR CATS. the Warriors series will always define my child/teenagehood. I wouldn’t be who I am today without Warriors. seriously. 40) What’s your element (air, water, etc)? air 41) If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? Japan again! and Dubai, and anywhere with baroque+gothic architecture! 42) If you could have any job in the world, what would it be? architect! 43) If you were granted three wishes, what would they be? *remembers how in Puella Magi Madoka Magica, Kyouko advised us to use our wishes only for ourselves* *but I also want to help others* actually I’m skipping this question 44) If you had to eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? RICE 45) What’s your Spirit Animal/Patronus? deer (x) 46) Would you kill yourself and save your friends or kill your friends and save yourself? depends on the situation. I’d like all of us to live tysm *eyeroll* 47) If you had to become a mythical creature which would you be? haven’t thought about this much, but perhaps a sea serpent? 48) Your favorite song? at the moment it’s “ELECT” by niki

My question: A4 or A5 notebooks?

(You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to!)

[lotusgrove]

ipytm rants and one praise

Haha anyways I need to let some thoughts out about ipytm and twitter has a stupid words restriction so here I am

I don’t even know where to begin because I can’t form coherent thoughts and I’m also not good with words or whatever so I’m gonna make completely random points about episode 1 and 2 that kind of bothered me a little because I KNOW I know I was relying way too much on my expectations for part 2 when deep inside I knew it could never come close to itsay but here we go

About Ep 1: The first thing that bothered me about this ep really was the score in some scenes? Which isn’t a big deal since the atmosphere is different and we just have to adapt to it, which on a second watch it sounded genius because it really puts us on the main character’s shoes, specially since they left itsay scores on the first half of the episode and then slowly transitioned to the new ones, which captured the feeling of leaving your hometown and getting into unknown waters sosososo well. But then, some other choices left me a little bit meh, like some editing in some scenes (that persisted on ep2), like when a character is thinking about something and instead of letting us guess and connect the dots they just edit their thoughts on screen making the whole thing really more boring than it needed to be. I like being challenged when it comes to media and having my own thoughts about what that scene is trying to convey because what they’re showing me isn’t exactly obvious? But that editing sort of takes all of that fun of ‘interpreting art your own way’ away from me. I’m glad they left the little details that meant so much to me in itsay and made it so rewatchable, like the closing your eyes to adjust to the darkness, it was insanely well done. And also the cinematography that wouldn’t dare ever disappoint me. Last complaint about this one was how in the teather scene we could hear jai’s thoughts, that was a bit.... weird. It’s similar to the latter complaint but in itsay we relied so much on what the character was showing through actions when words weren’t enough and now we just... don’t have that?? I don’t know it was really out of sync for me but moving on.

About Ep 2: Oh boy. Oh boy. Like I literally just finished ep 2 but the fact I rewatched ep 1 around 4 times in the same week and yet feel absolutely NO wish to watch ep 2 ever again does tell you something about it. It starts really ok, it’s cute in spite of its angsty moments and we can totally see Teh doesn’t really go along with Ohaew’s friends and I feel like it’s mutual, which is something i hope they can fix on the next episodes?? Like damn having a long term relationship with someone and hate the people they care about is not really the way to go. And I could totally understand if their friends were a bad influence on them because that can happen and it’s valid but IT WASN’T THE CASE, and that fucked things up way more. I was hoping Teh could have a reason to the fucking tantrum he threw in the middle of the street in the preview because you know, as a fellow Teh Apologist that was all I could ask for, and yet I was given a whole context behind that which made the entire scene worse. The way Teh couldn’t stop himself from shaming Ohaew in front of his fucking friends. In public. Like, that shit was a damn trigger for me, because I was once in Ohaew’s shoes, and yes I know my relationship was a toxic one and that makes me so scared their relationship will follow this exact path. I know he recognized he was being a dick and apologized in the end but I’m scared he’ll keep fucking up and thinking his sincere apologies will make everything fine again when that’s just toxic as fuck, and I really don’t want the show that comforted me through so many months to be a damn trigger to me. Also why was he mad about a damn tattoo??? It’s so small you’ll stop noticing it in 2 weeks. ALSO KHIM BABY I’M SO SORRY THAT MF TEH WOULD EVEN TREAT YOU LIKE THAT. Like I know Teh is scared in the end he’ll be left alone to pursue his dreams but damn everyone has a different reality and he has to grow up and understand that. I also wanna talk about how I was so scared the time jumps they were planning to do throughout this season weren’t going to work for me and Ep 1 was fine even but Ep2... kind of fucked it up. 8 months is one hell of a time jump and so much got lost in it I don’t know how to react. LAST BUT NOT LEAST. I got really really emotional over Ohaew not getting the roles he wanted because of his feminine traits because i kept thinking about PP and i love him sosososo much i would crush any mf who even dared treat him like that and make him feel like he’s less than his full potential. I didn’t cry about anything else but this, it hit me like a damn truck, and I really think this subject isn’t being thrown out of nowhere and it will mean something later on.

Alright I think this is it if i need to rant more I’ll definitelly be coming back here