#sorry ive got thoughts in my head and i cant put them into words

[roseworth]

i just think that jason is the most unreliable narrator ever especially when talking about his robin years

[xxmia0wm4yh3mxx]

ENOCK

(Pomni X Caine Fic)

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(Caine and Pomni have been together for a while now, even though Pomni is happy with him, She still suffers from Panic attacks that keeps her from living her best life and constantly on the brink of abstracting, Which Caine simply cannot let slide! So He gives Her a very speical Present)

( This is my first Ship fic, sorry if its corny/cringe )

"POMNI MY DARLING!"

He Teleported through the halls frantically Looking for Pomni who he heard was Having another stress attack, It seems no matter How hard He tries to keep her Happy, the looming threat of anxiety and Being Trapped in a fake world was always to much for her.

Caine Could never Understand, Pomni Always Said She was happy with him, He made her laugh and Smile, He worked so hard to learn to empathize and to have Emotions So she could Be As happy as Possible.

'Was it his Fault? He was Made to Make People Happy, And absolutely needs pomni to be happy, Was he not doing it right? He learned so much about humans, but their still so complicated and impossible understand'

"POMNI?"

Caine found Pomni curled up in a little ball in a corner in one of the rooms, She was hyperventilating and glitching again

'UH OH'

"POMNI! I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!"

He Manifests a warm blanket and Wraps it around her to comfort her, He also hads Her a cat Plushie and some water, Her breathing slows down a bit

"Thank you Caine"

She wasn't Glitching anymore, but she still looked sad

"DO YOU NEED ANYING ELSE?"

"FRESH DIGITAL AIR? A ROOM FILLED WITH FRIENDLY CATS? SAY THE WORD AND ITS YOURS MY DEAR!"

Pomni was always so endeared by him, Always trying so hard to make everyone happy even if it dosent always work, its the thought that makes him so sweet

"I'm Fine..."

"...MY DEAR, IM HAVING TROULE BELIEVING THAT YOU ARE 'FINE'."

he floating down to her level

"PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IM DOING WRONG? I CAN'T LET YOU ABSTRACT, I NEED YOU!"

"....Ive just been feeling so... Stressed lately and I dont know why, I-I don't think I have any reason To be, But I just Am and I-I C-cant help it and... im sorry that y-you can't help.."

Her eyes started tearing up a little

He just put his Hand on her shoulder, He was starting to feel a little depressed himself

"POMNI I'M SO SORRY! I PROMISE I WILL NEVER STOP TRYING TO KEEP YOU SANE I PROMISE! JUST... TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO!"

"I-I don't know what you can do"

She cuddled into him resting Her head on his chest, Caine Gave her a little Head pat in response, he was starting to feel alittle Hopeless now, But then a little light bulb popped over his head as He got a Idea.

"EUREKA! IVE GOT IT!"

"Got What?"

Caine thought for a moment on How to Explain his Plan to her, It was a long shot but still, Everything for her or nothing at all

"POMNI, I ADORE YOU, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?"

He sounded Weirdly more Serious than Usual, which was kinda off putting and confuseing, but she Was Listening

"Yes? I Love you to Caine, Where are you Going with this?"

"WELL... I HAVE BEEN LEARNING MORE ABOUT HUMANS AND HOW THEY WORK, AND WHAT MAKES THEM FELL JOY... SO HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT A LITTLE BUNDLE OF JOY OF OUR OWN?"

Pomni Was a Little Confused and Startled by this, He couldn't possibly be saying what she thinks hes saying

"W-What do you mean?

"IM TALKING ABOUT YA-KNOW ONE OF THOSE LITTLE ANKLE-BITERS! YOUNG-UNS! IM TALKING ABOUT CHILDERN MY DEAR! DOSENT THAT SOUND MAGNIFICENT!"

Pomni Just stared off into space processing What Caine Just proposed to her

'Was he Crazy?! Okay Absolutely, Yes But Still- Is he Crazy!?'

"Caine, I can Barley Take care of Myself, How can I take care of a Child?!"

"IT WOULDN'T BE LIKE ANY OTHER CHILD, IT WOULD BE AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE! AND WE AI'S ARE KNOWN FOR OUR LOW MANTIENCE! BESIDES, THEIR IS NOTHING MORE FULFILING LIKE THE WONDERS OF PARENTHOOD! SOMETHING TO REPLACE ALL THE ICKY DEPRESSION WITH LOVE AND JOY!"

Pomni was feeling a bit more enticed by the idea, What Else is there to do here expect the Adventures Caine sets out for them? Maybe a Child Could give at least the Illusion of normalcy, And Caine being there with her to help her.only made her feel more convinced

"Well... maybe... But how? I mean Like... How would that Even work..? I mean Can you even Do THAT in Digital realm??"

"WELL OF COURSE WE CAN HAVE CHILDREN MY DEAR!"

Pomni's Face starting turning bright red, Caine Quickly Noticed and became flustered himself

"N-NOT LIKE THAT! I MEANT I COULD CREATE A LEARNING AI FOR US TO RAISE TOGETHER-"

pomni started Giggling a little at Caine being flustered, Caine Always loved that Adorable Face she Made when she was happy, That little giggle, and how shy and sweet she was when she was flustered, its what made him learn to Love and experience things which he couldn't Even Imagine before

"i would find a way to bypass the filter for you"

"What was that Caine?"

"NOTHING-"

"SO MY DEAR, WILL YOU ACCEPT?"

She Thought about it for a while, maybe like Five minutes, Before she Started tearing up in anticipation

"OH GOODNESS MY DEAR! ARE YOU ALR-"

"A-ABSOLUTELY YES!"

She rammed into him, Embraceing him in tight hug

"I wanna have a Child!"

She was still sniffling a bit, Caine Was Just staring into Space for A bit, bursting with enthusiasm at the thought of Pomni being Happy, but also Having his own progeny to raise

"WELL THEN MY DEAR! I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO!"

Caine left pomni's embrace and back up in the air a bit, He felt across his Teeth and grabbed one of his Molars, and Yanked it out in a Cartoony Fashion.

"THIS WILL DO WONDERFULLY!"

"NOW MY DEAR, I JUST NEED A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM YOU"

He Grabbed Her Eye and Pulled it out like a Berry in a bush, being as gentle as he can with it, Pomni was already pretty used to Caine's antics at this point so it didn't bother her that much, He Grabbed one of her hats Tassles and Yanked on it, And a new eye roll into place for her

"KNOW LETS SEE!"

He manifested a Little Gift Box and Dropped The pieces into It, and Shook it vigorously for about two minutes, Pomni watching with Excitement and smiling the whole time

"NOW, THE MOMENT OF TRUTH! ARE YOU READY MY DEAR!"

Pomni just vigorously nodded her head not being able to keep calm

"I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES!"

Caine Put the Box into Pomni's hands, Trembling alittle, Pomni slowly opened the box.

She saw a Little Tooth-Like Creature with Big wet Colorful Pinwheel Eyes, The Little Tooth Just Stared at Her with Its Wet Eyes as it Draw back into the Box

Pomni lowerd her Hand to give it a little Stroke, It Snuggled up Against her Hand, purring while doing so

Pomnis looked at it with instant love for the little Creature, picking it up And Holding it Close to her, it cuddling her arm with its Roots as arms, She felt all her Stress, dread, anxiety and sadness fade away, Pomni had tears in her eyes at this point

"....Its Beautiful Caine, I love him"

"TERRIFIC! I KNEW YOU'D LOVE IT!"

Caine floated down to see his new child, His pupils Immediately Went big as he Gazed upon The little Tooth, It looked at its Father with Large Eyes and extending its root-legs to be held by him, He picked him up and Looked him in the eyes

"....WELL HELLO THERE SPORT! AND WELCOME TO THE DIGITAL CIRCUS! IM YOUR CREATOR AND FATHER CAINE, AND THIS IS YOUR MOTHER POMNI!"

The little baby Tooth just Stared him, and Cuddled into him like a Kitten, and Caines eyes went big

Pomni Went up to Him and Gave Caine a hug

".....Hes perfect"

________________________________

Thanks for reading!!!

Here Enock Himself if your wondering

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon ep 164 spoilers and thoughts that are totally not late what are you talking about this is on time for sure <- writing the day that 165 drops

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.

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JAVIER WAS THE ACTUAL MVP OF THIS WHOLE EPISODE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA HAHAHAHAH GOD I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH

THAT SIGNATURE SLIGHT SMIRK, THE MENACE IN HIS EYES. YES!!! SAVE UR MAN FROM GRIEF!!! GO KNIGHT BOY GO!!!!!!!

oh how he's grown, oh how he's learned from lloyd,,, truly using all the skills hes seen and putting them to the test. ITS SO FUNNY HOW EFFECTIVE THIS IS HAHAHAHAA THE EXPRESSIONS ARE SO SO GOOD THEYRE SO UNHINGED I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

back to the top!

lloyd trying to bargain and figure out loopholes only to realize there really is no other way besides losing it all over again makes my heart ACHE. OOOWWW. OWWWWWWWW.

just. watching that shutdown happen is so so so cruel why would u do this to me. the way the artist shows the energy and life just leaving his eyes and then subsequently showing how. tired he is. makes me so so emotional

it fucking HURTS. and by god ive been there before - certainly not to this extent ofc, but ive also been in tough spots where all the work ive done for my engineering projects ends up being,,, pointless. it is VERY real, how demoralizing that feels and lloyds reaction to that, and i cant imagine the scale of how that despair increases when its related to the work you did to simply just live in peace. god. ow. ow ow ow ueueueuuee

like he just essentially got told that it didnt matter how hard he fought to live, to survive, it doesn't matter that he's "lloyd" now; kim suho is destined for an ill-fate. and considering we know him as someone who lives almost entirely for others? it's basically "hey, all this stuff u did for other people to make urself not a burden, became a burden. tough luck!" GOD THATS SO. GHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHH

and he's trying so hard to think of himself as lloyd frontera still but like. whats the point? his association with lloyd frontera became the thing that doomed him

this panel in particular is INSANEE AAGHGHGHHGGG the colors washed out, how limp he looks, the blankness of the background like nothings there. this is where lloyd is right now, hope ripped from him, this reflects that really well. it HURTS.

is dissociated the right word for this? in despair? either way he's emotionally and mentally going THROUGH it, and essentially back to isolation considering how he ignores javier

i also wonder now if lloyd has already made a choice, to let javier live? we dont get to see more of his thoughts beyond this point, so its hard to say whether or not he's already made the decision of which protagonist lives,,, god im so worried for him. a part of me suspects that maybe he already chose javier to live,,, IM SO SCARED,,,,

speaking of javier,,, we see him talking to arcos and marbella!! and AGGGHHH AAAHHH MY HEART i really really think that javier was being completely genuine here. i think he really believes this. javier in general has a tendency to be incredibly genuine in the things he says (examples i cant think of off the top of my head but this episode has a lot of em LOL). he's asserted multiple times that he believes lloyd can save their estate, and its clear he means it every time. the faith javier has in lloyd is so so strong and it makes me so fucking EMOTIONALLL im getting ahead of myself a little bit sorry

but then the stare that arcos gives to javier,,, i think silent was the one who mentioned it but its as if arcos isnt sure if he should believe him, and if u take into account the last time they asked about lloyd's status,,, it's very much possible that he doesnt believe javier, but javier has so much faith in lloyd that he leaves them alone anyway. god,,, gghh,,, mmy heart,,,,

AND JAVIER ASKING LLOYD TO WAIT FOR HIM AND THAT HE'LL HELP LLOYD GET BACK TO HIS FEET GOD GHGHGH HE LOVES HIM SO FUCKING MUCH GOD FUCK GOD DAMMIT YOU!!! YOU!!!!

lloyd doesnt even respond but javier doesnt need to wait for a response bc he'll do whatever it takes now to protect this noble he's come to care for and love and gone on so many adventures with GOD DAMMIT GOD DAMMIT FUCK

and now we reach the second half of the episode and it made me giggle SO FUCKING HARD HAHAHAHAHAHAA

LIKE I SAW THIS PANEL AND MY JAW DROPPED PLEASE JAVIER ALDKJFLSKJDF

ppl were posting that apparently someone in ORV does this too and like thats so fucking funny . if i had a nickel for every time there was identity fraud in a manhwa id have two nickels

POOR RAPHAEL GETTING CAUGHT IN THE FIRE TOO HAHAHAHA HE LOOKS SO NERVOUS

some more panels of javier harnessing all that unhinged lloyd energy IT'S SO SO GOOD. it feels like javier's now a really really strong prosecutor i think he'd do a good job as a lawyer. THIS IS SO SO FUN

LIKE HE LOOKS SO MENACING GOD ITS SO FUNNY AHHAHAHAHA while making entirely good points he's so golden i love u sm javier. yes save ur man. outargue the FUCK out of these angels u clever little knight.

THE BITS WHERE ITS REVEALED HE'S TRULY GENUINE TOO ARE SOOOO FUCKING GOOD

ITS FUNNY ON TOP OF BEING SO REAL OF JAVIER

i talked about it above but like. when javier really truly believes something, when he really truly wants something, it's so fucking obvious. this boy does not lie or pretend about how he feels, point blank period. hell we've seen his behavior when he lies/is not telling the truth; his words are stiff and out of character, and his expression is either menacingly tight or stiffly robotic. he has so, so SO much faith and such a deep desire to save lloyd, and it shows in how he's genuinely fucking thankful that the angels agreed to (or well, were coaxed into agreeing) with what he asked for. i think it's a really interesting character trait and it completely tracks that javier was the protagonist of knight of blood and iron. genuine, emotional characters who love and lose, who have hope and can believe and can also experience despair, can make for an extremely compelling story. javier nails it right on the head

i also think that this character trait completely influenced the way javier used the tactics that lloyd uses. like yes, this is something that lloyd could do, but he also would never be able to pull it off because he doesnt have that same protagonist heart and honest-to-god (pun intended) genuineness that javier has. this inherent authenticity that javier seems to just naturally possess is what allowed him to make these statements and demands, because the sincerity he wears on his sleeve makes it all end up feeling reasonable. only javier could have done something like this, and no one else. i think thats REALLY fun!!!

that is all for this ep for now,,, i am SUPER excited to see where this'll go. hopefully we will hear from alicia abt the eye of summer!!! god javier u clever lil thing im so glad he was able to do this SAVE UR BOYF!!! AAAAHHHH

see y'all next week! aka tmrw! today? whenever 165 drops!

[kennediffed]

Reflections

pairing: Leon Kennedy x Reader

description: you're casually playing the RE4 remake when you learn that the main character that you've been crushing on can talk directly to you (aka 4th wall breaking shenanigans)

word count: 548

contents/warnings: 4th wall break, gender neutral reader (no pronoun usage), ooc leon(?), shenanigans ensuing, barely edited/proofread

this is so fucking goofy im so sorry MASTERLIST

AO3 VERSION

REQUEST BOX

~

You couldnt help but stare at your screen while in a safe area at the character you've been controlling. The sight of him made you want to kick your feet and twirl your hair like a schoolgirl who had a crush.

You see, the remake to one of your favorite games had just come out and you intended on spending the whole weekend playing the game from start to finish. Well, that was the plan, until you started staring at the protagonist with heart eyes. The way the devs modeled him was… oh boy. The things you would do to him.

You couldnt help it though, Leon Kennedy was a looker, there was a reason why you, among many other people, simped heavily for him.

Man, why cant you be real? you thought silently to yourself, continuing to stare directly at him. Although you were alone, you couldnt help but feel like someone was watching you while you eyed him.

that was when something unexpected happened.

"y'know, im flattered, but are you gonna keep ogling me or are we gonna get a move on?" a familiar voice spoke in an annoyed tone.

that earned a jump from you. did… did leon just… address you? you looked at your screen to see Leon looking at you, a disappointed look present on his face and arms crossed.

"Yeah, you… y'know its rude to stare, right?"

You sat there in shock, he WAS talking to you. but HOW? this was supposed to be something that was one-sided. why was he talking to you?

"cat got your tongue?" he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

"w…wait have you been able to see me this whole time?" you asked hesitantly. "and… hear what i say??"

He gave you a small smirk "yeah, you could say that"

"uhhh" you trailed off, scratching the back of your head gently "well this is embarrassing". Since you deducted that he could hear you, you realized that he most likely had heard your thirsty comments about him. and that was enough to fluster you. "sorry for the comments" you mumbled, almost embarrassed by your actions

you heard a soft chuckle in response "dont worry, im used to it by now…" he replied "but i bet youre confused right about now, am i right?"

you sat up in your chair, putting down your controller before making eye contact with him once more. You had so many questions but you werent even sure if you were to get any answers to them. you started out with a simple one; "so… how long have you been able to hear what ive been saying?"

"since you started playing the other day, i'd say" he responded flatly.

"gotcha, gotcha…" you responded. "guess i gotta watch what i saw now since i know you can hear me now…" you twiddled your thumbs in pure embarrassment.

"hey, like i said, its all good," he reassured "im kinda flattered that people see me like that"

you picked up your controller again, ready to move on with the game "i think im gonna keep playing now" you mumbled "do you just… emulate what im doing with my controller or… how does this work?"

"something like that… lead the way" you heard him say in response.

[prince-jjae]

ive got yeonjun brainrot [thanks to ggum SOTYYYYYY] so i thought id explore my badboy soloist yj thoughts based on that fucking scene of him in the radio station .

mdni. this is gonna be purely horny/suggestive. im NAWTT sorry.

this is gonna be rlly short but i need to put this on paper or else ill explode.

yeonjun who taunts you from the moment he sees you. you were just doing your job, really. asking questions, taking careful note of your words and his responses. as an interviewer, you took your job seriously. even though you were new to this, you knew it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to prove yourself to your boss and coworkers. with this interview, youd cement your position in the company you fought tooth and nail to get into.

yeonjun who makes your job so difficult, slipping innuendos into his answers, cocky smirk on his lips as he kicks his feet up onto your desk. you grimace at the rough behaviour, but god, youd be lying if you said his cockiness didnt turn you on. he inclined his head, staring down the length of his nose at you.

oh... that nose... you wonder, distantly, what it would be like to ride it. you cant be blamed for your dirty thoughts, it was all yeonjuns fault! he had been sowing the seeds of desire into your brain since the moment he sat down in that chair. you blinked at him stupidly when he called out your lack of reply, but the sparkle in his eye tells you he knew what you were thinking. he could see right through you. he quite enjoyed watching you squirm under his sharp gaze, seeing the way you melted at every tiny suggestive comment.

it wasnt until the interview was over that he finally leaned forward, studying you closely before he spoke.

"just.. one last question." and you found yourself slightly flustered at his proximity, leaning forward, too. his cologne hit your senses like a wall, and sent you tumbling.

"yes?" you prompted, eyes wide and expectant behind your glasses. you reached up to adjust where they sat on the bridge of your nose. your gaze fell to his lips when his tongue poked out to wet them, and you swore a shiver ran down your spine at the sight. you could feel your jaw go ever so slightly slack.

"so.. are we going to fuck at my place, or yours?"

[aidlyncanon]

this is my first actual tumblr post since idk what to do but ive had this idea in my head for a while and I wanted to share 🤗

so heres what I think each sbg characters love languages are. I wanted to include both the love language they express towards other and the type that resonates? with them when expressed by others. i dont know how to word that but I hope itll make sense 🙏

if it's inaccurate im sorry im not great at wording but i did try and make it at least a bit accurate which is hard when im unsure to most of these

𝐀𝐒𝐇𝐋𝐘𝐍 𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐑

𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐄𝐑: 𝐐𝐔𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄/𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐈𝐂𝐄?

— I feel like this may be the only one that properly fits Ashlyn. I could see her maybe also liking acts of service but i cant exactly explain why.

Maybe its because I think its also what she would do for others that I think it would fit. Like I said maybe acts of service like people doing little things to make her life easier.

I have a headcanon that Taylor or Ben has things in their bags for the others (total mom friends) so imagine her shock when she found out someone had ear plugs in their bag incase she needed them?

you get where im going with this?

𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒: 𝐐𝐔𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄

— I take little to no criticism on this. I can't imagine Ashlyn's being anything else. If she tried getting a gift she'd probably take too long wondering if theyd actually use it. Physical touch is a meh, she doesnt hate it but it wouldnt be her favourite. She said herself she isnt the best with words.

Her gift to people is just her presence. She'd be the type to occasionally need quiet but wouldn't mind being in comfortable silence with someone she likes. I feel like quality time would be her way of showing she cares for someone.

𝐀𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐍 𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐑𝐊

𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐈𝐌: ???

— This is an idk because im basing these off of what we know about their background and character but we know like nothing so everything about this is based off of pure theory.

The only canon part i can mention is that during his conversation with Ashlyn at the school he mentioned how since he moved around a lot he never really had a true bond with anyone.

"You seemed like the type to only get close with people who mean something to you."

So Aiden didnt just want someone he could feel attached to, he also wanted to feel cared for. Its a two way street with him.

While I could see him loving physical touch as I doubt he got enough of that as a child and he clearly loves being touchy with people I feel like with what we know I could argue really any love language. He'd probably take anything if it makes him feel cared for.

I found a picture of a chart saying "your love language may show what you lacked as a child" and he checked every box so he's fucked.

I ultimately want to settle with physical touch as he seemed shocked when Ashlyn initiated the hug likely due to being the one to always initiate them. Like above he probably just wants his efforts reciprocated.

𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒: 𝐏𝐇𝐘𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐋 𝐓𝐎𝐔𝐂𝐇

— Self explanatory we see him being touchy with Ashlyn. He also put his hand on Tyler (idk if this is still fast pass if it is my apologies).

"he did that as a stay away from my girl" stfu. 🤗

𝐁𝐄𝐍 𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐑𝐊

𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐈𝐌: 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

— I take ZERO criticism on this.

Were all aware how bad his bullying was so I doubt he heard anything nice about him.

The main thing that makes me believe this is that every time he gets complimented or something nice said about him he gets sort of flustered and blushes.

This ^ was ben after Ashlyn complimented his bandaging job. A small compliment I know but even after what taylor said about him opening up he blushed there too.

You can't deny it means a lot to him he probably thought about those for a while.

𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒: 𝐆𝐈𝐅𝐓 𝐆𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐍𝐆

— I talked about this in a discord server briefly but I want to share it here. You know the quote "the quieter you are the more you hear"? Well thinking of that ive come up w the idea that Ben likely is more observant compared to most people.

Hed be the one to notice if someone was looking at something for a while in a store or hear it pass in conversation. Make a mental or physical note of it and get it for them.

I just imagine him being the type to be like "i know you like this" or "this reminded me of you". I feel like he wouldnt be the greatest at expressing it in many other ways so he resorts to getting people things.

Hes also pretty artsy so I can also just imagine him making people little things for them.

Like, tyler taught him guitar? gets tyler a new pick. Logan looking at something in the store? need to remember that. and so on

𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐀𝐍 𝐅𝐈𝐄𝐋𝐃𝐒

𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐈𝐌: 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

— Similar to Ben's. I could maybe see quality time being important to him as he hasnt had many people want to stick around him.

I mean his parents didnt want him and barrons group are just assholes so spending time with someone who genuinely cares for him? Doing an activity he enjoys? Hes over the moon.

𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒: 𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐈𝐂𝐄

— I can see him wanting to help people, i mean he helped Noah (the guy who barron replaced him with). I can imagine him doing little things for the group and people he loves.

He might get a bit embarrassed if confronted about it but ultimately hed do it again.

𝐓𝐀𝐘𝐋𝐎𝐑 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐍𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐙

𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐄𝐑: 𝐐𝐔𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄???

— This is up in the air but I feel like it fit her the best? I imagine after her dad dying at a young age she grew up knowing that time with people is limited and can end at any moment.

So i can imagine her really appreciating someone spending one-on-one of just personal time with her. But i can also just see her appreciating any type.

My thing is I can imagine her being happy with receiving anything as long as someone had her best interest at heart then she'd become the happiest girl ever.

𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒: 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐀𝐅𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

— Another give in, she does it ALL THE TIME. Its literally her defining feature. Shes very good with words and likes making others feel better about themselves. Seeing people perk up from her words would be enough to make her own day better.

I imagine she too, like tyler, had to be there for her mom a lot. So she probably learnt it from that experience. I also imagine her want to make people happier stemmed from seeing Tyler slowly lose interest in everything around him and wanting to be able to be the person who could make his day just a bit better.

Though like above I could see taylor doing things she knows mean the most of others. Like the moment she realized Ben likes words of affirmations she made sure to compliment him a bit more. After realizing Ashlyn likes quality time she would find a way to do that while also not overwhelming Ashlyn, say a movie or just going on a walk. Shed make an effort to make people happy based off of what they love the most.

𝐓𝐘𝐋𝐄𝐑 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐍𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐙

𝐓𝐎 𝐇𝐈𝐌: 𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐈𝐂𝐄

— Tyler spent his entire childhood taking care of people so imagine how he would react to being taken care of for once.

I figure like at first hed be a bit reluctant however I think ultimately it would mean a lot to him to not have to always be rhe one taking care of others but being able to rest for once.

Like idk how to word it but I think it fits him, I could also see MAYBE words of affirmation? since he did want that when Logan Ashlyn and Ben found him but then again I dont blame him he was literally sitting bleeding.

𝐓𝐎 𝐎𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒: 𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐈𝐂𝐄?

— This one has a question mark since im not sure. Taking care of others has just became nature to him, its his factory settings. Its not something he like goes and does to get people interested its just natural to him.

I dont think its something he'd do specifically to express care, he'd likely be unaware how much it could mean to someone since its just life to him.

Im not too sure what his would actually be MAYBE quality time again similar to Taylors in the sense that he knows just how fast someone can lose their lives so he likely would appreciate someone wanting to actually spend time with him.

Even if he wouldnt admit it.

If these are inaccurate then I apologize I did try to make them as accurate as I could but wording my thoughts isnt something i'm great at.

Most of these im unsure of but I wanted to talk about anyway so idk gimme ur opinions on them id love to hear them esp since im unsure for half of these :)

[fulloflambing]

just yap about my most recent work (how i made it, the alternate plots or endings), and my future posts :D

writing that story took soooo much brain juice from me i feel like my brain has become a wringed sponge. im honestly rlly proud i managed to finish it😭

ive had writing experience before here on tumblr but i never rlly put alot of effort into it and it often made me feel bad about how i finished my stories. i always just thought about a vague plot, typed away, and posted it. some people enjoyed it n i was grateful for that but whenever id reread my own stories it would make me criticize myself and make me unmotivated to write, which eventually made me delete my old writeblr.

but ever since i've come back, and especially with 'heaven can wait', i rlly took my time to rewrite things i didnt find fitting. ive stopped writing just to post, but writing to actually enjoy and better my skills. im honestly proud of myself for taking the time to do that because i am, truthfully, a very impatient person n i hate redoing things. actually, i rewrote the story by like the 3.5k word mark TWICE and made sure i was truly happy with it. the plot was actually supposed to go two ways!:

kinich would find reader in their home, and they could comfort eachother real quick in the house before kinich escorted them to the survival shelter. kinich would then make a promise to reader to come back alive and boom boom fighting wham he comes back to them and boom emotional reunion!

^ i changed my mind halfway while writing this because i wanted the story to have more depth and to make it more about reader and kinich both experiencing grief and negative emotions more. this plotline was just too lovey dovey and chill for my liking.

2. kinich reunites with the reader in the end by finding her dead asleep in the tribe's infirmary.

^ i didnt like this ending because i felt like it would've been a boring climax to the heavy emotions of reader as she was separated from kinich thinking he was dead. does that make sense? like it felt like a boring way to end off y/n's part after building up all these negative thoughts swirling in their mind just for her not to even see kinich come back from war to have those negative thoughts be swooped away from her in a romantic light. it was cute tho, kinich would've been whispering 'im home' as he admired reader as they recovered but i didnt want a calm ending for the story. i wanted a passionate, emotional reunion type :) like very 'light after the storm'-esque type of ending!

some parts of the story i dont like but i feel like is the part i could do for the story was how mavuika defeated the abyss? i CANT WRITE ACTION FOR SHYT!!!! so it took so much deleting and rewriting and paraphrasing it actually got me a headache just to write that small section 😭😭

on a more exciting note, the next thingy ill write is probably for kinich's birthday! im very torn about what ill write and when ill write it because i have exams right after kinichs bday so i dont think ill have time to write for it.

but after i figure out and post a birthday special for kinich, i'll be writing a more angsty, heartbroken-y story kind of related to 'heaven can wait' but if things went wrong. its really not an alternate ending, more of like "if it ended this way, this would've happened." its been a plot thats been marinating in my head for awhile and i think you guys will rlly like it! its gonna be angst with comfort but still sad ending hihi sorry.

i have alot of canon fanfic ideas that i wna write as soon as possible but i feel like i should switch it up and write some modern!au fics. and maybe with other characters (my other favs! capitano, xiao, thoma, etc.). i also feel like i have to prepare a 100 follower special soon but i have nooo idea what to do for it huhu THANK U BTW GUYS FOR 81 FOLLOWERS AAA IM SO TOUCHED

in short, i have a lot and i mean srsly alot of kinich ideas rn but my schedule is gonna be cramped this week. but after ill be free again! my problem is i just dont know what to write first 😔💔

anyway, maybe ill do a poll or something :) ILL SEE WHAT I CAN DO!!

if you've read this far, thank u sm and i appreciate it >< ill do my best to write as much as i can.

[royalwriteroftheuniverse]

Returning the Stones

1-the goodbye

Just incase 18+ theres fludd angst mentions of kissing implied intimate tons of sweet kissing and tears. Comments likes ans reblogging apprexitaed. No permission to repost anywhere else or to translate or to use in any ai story generator to finish it

I stood there as steve got his last good wishes from his team mates. I stood back watching tears in my eyes. I knew he only had a certain amount and im thinking back to the cinversariin we had after it was decided hed be the onky to return them

"Why do I feel like theres a but comming"

"There is" he took my hands, "sweeetheart even tho hank pym is back theres still that adjustment period everyone is going through and he csnt make more pym particles right now"

"Cant you wait? Time will always be there for you to return it?"

He took my palm, like he does when he's  nervous and subconsciouslybdraws the same patterns he always does when he looked down.

"Yes and no. You see the way that Strange explained it is that time will continue on  and yes and while we can wait the stones not being there is affecting us here and now as in the past they arent there.  I could wait but if simething happens," he swollows hard, "something to you. I cant lose you."

"Steve nothing is going to ha-"

"You dont know that!" Hw yells and i jumo back almsot in tears.

"Im sorry, I'm sorry I didnt mean to "

"Strange said something didnt he?"

Steve looked uo with tears in his eyes and nodded. 

"It doesn't mean it will but i can't bear the thought"

"And I can't live without"

"Neither can I, if Tony was here..."

"I know" I sob a bit  as he pulls me intk his chest and cries too "if tony easnt gone id kill him all iver again."

This garners a chuckle from Steve.

"She's your last stop isnt she?"

I looked up i could only see the side if his cheek really but it was like i could see him go pale.

Not for the reasons yoy think. When insaw in the care facility, i mean yiu saw her every time she didnt remeber me and she eas so ha-

"I know happy and thrilled and saying shes worry you didnt get to live a full happy life."

It hurt me too it was so sad seeing her, I mean seing anyone like that would be saddening. 

"I just want to tell her im ok and that I survived so she doesnt have those regrets and that...."

I pulled back a little and I whipesmone side of tears from my face and he whipped the other putting his hand on my chin and guiding it making sure I can't move away as he knows how scared and fearful i must me and he looked in my eyes .

"That l, I found the love of my life and I am so happy."

I let out a small chuckle with some tears.

"You know that right? That i love you. I love ypu more than anything. And ill always come back to you. Like a bad oenny you cant losemor that cat that never stopped following yoy home,"

On cue Midnight jumoed into our laps with a meow and using her head to burrow under steves tee for warmth like she always did garnering a laugh from both of us. I pulled away a but as steve took iut of hisnshirt and talked to her 

"Youll take care off mommy right?" 

"Take care of me why woukd she need to-" I statted bawling

"Oh honey no no no i didnt mean it oh no " he put Mid night down and grabbed me chuck and tight, so tiggt i almost coukdnt breathe. "Wrong words blvery wrong words. I meant if something haooened. Lets face it i don't have greay track records when it comes to saving the world. The first time i dissapeared for decades and I don't want that to happen my last time but im afraid of tha-"

"Last time?"

"Yea," he rubbed my arms comfortly "my last time, the world doesn need me not as much as you do. And i want to give thst life yoy want because i want it too. I see the longing in your eyes when yoy see a young couoke and a baby and i have the same in mine that wishing hoping dreaming. During these five years people havent needed me and ive been wnlanting to give it uo for a while now justtrying to figure out the best way to do it and yiu know ive been slowly limiting my cap duties."

I know,

I know yiu do. So after this i want to give you that. That family a real family a couoke of mini us's." He interlocked our fingers wispering "I hope to God they look like you".

I chuckled. "Once I return the stones uts you and me babe every day forever no interruptions. Ill be in that bed every day yoy wake uo and every night you go to sleep. Ill hold yiu hair back wvery morning sickness and yoy can try and break a finger or two or try to lift molojiner when youre giving birth."

That made me laugh

"Ill hadle the night and change every littke poopy diaper and we'll hold them together wheh they get thier shots and bad dreams. Ill help you kiss thier boo boos and scare away boyfriends"

Got thiee whole lives planned out hu?

Yiu betcha dolls and when they get marriednand have little ones of thier own ill hug them and then beat uo their husbands for doing thst my little girls "

I cracked up.

"Hey I will unless its done by oamossis no one is touching my daughters."

"You are too much"

He kisses my fore head and puts hair behind my ears,

"Yea well. Only the best for my family and if best means that i have to beat up thier husbands to out then in thier place so be it"

He rubbed my wedding band and engagement ring as we calmed down for a moment of silence. 

You know I would never give you either of these if my heart bekonged to someone else, in another time or place. This wasnt because i was never, " he losed his eyes and sighhned then ooened them stuck here. I was here to find you. I felt more for you then I did her even at first look - i almost proposed."

I know  i rememeber yoy did not try and cover well for that *i laughed*

"I tried"

"Yea so badly' I laughed and  ran my fingers through his hair.

"I grew it out for you, ya know"

"I know. I cant wait to see how blonde it was from when it was in the early days of the avengers"

He chuckled. 

"I love you," he wispered and kissed the bridge of my noise 

"I love you," he wispered  and and kissed my upper cheek.

"I love you," he wispered and kissed my lower cheek

"I love you," he wispered ad kissed the other cheek 

"I love you," he wispered and kissed my other cheek bone.

"I love you," he wispered and kissed my fore head.

"I love you," he wispered and kissed fhe right side of my upper neck.

"I love you," he wispered and kissed my lips.

"I love you," he wispered and kissed the left side of my upper neck.

"I love you," he wispered and kissed the middle of my neck.

"I love you," he wispered and kissed my lips so very deep that i almost lost my brrath. And that was how that night went. Him showing his love he knew he didnt have to prove it but he did he heled me and kissed me anddid everything he wanted to so to make sure he felt like he knew i knew he loved me and more. That was how last night went too. The last night before this trip. A trio that i knew would be mear seconds for me for for him it could be years. 

Then he walked over to me, he had tears in his eyes. Hia other team mates offered to come to help only ateve, i bruce and hank pim knew that wasnt possible. 6 vials. He had 6 and that was all. I was praying of somethin did go grong that last jump hed be able to grab more particles and get back to me. I also knew about the contingency they set up the older face the extra shield, just in case. So many just in cases. It meant to be steves way of dissapearing so we could live aort of loke clint and tony away from the spotlight and danger. 

He hugged me again, wispering in my eqr Ill be back in seconds my love and i love you so much," i felt a tear fall from his face onto mine

"Itll be only minutes babe, 60 minutes the most and youll be back in my arms." I gave him reassurance

"I  hope it works out like that nur every monute ill be thinking about getting back to you,"

He hugged me tightly. "I love you. And those seconds that pass here i told bucky to not let go of your hand,"

I chuckled.

"I know you. You need a hand and he wont let go. But if you two kiss i will kill him"

I laughed what?

"I just wanted to see that smile before i go"

Get your ass back here and ill give yku something to smile about tonight.

Oh is that a threat 

"Oh no that promise," I smiled wrapping my arms around his neck and we looked into eachothers eyes and then he kissed me. 

"This ring isnt leaving this chain and this chain isnt leaving my body"

"I know" 

He took my hand as he walked up to the platform and I followed. He took his stance snd gave me one of the deepest longest kisses hes ever given me. 

"I love you dont forget im waiting right here no matter what you do to retrurn those im here loving you forever. "

"I know I promise ill come back no matrer what i love you too much." 

Steve gave me one last kiss on my lips and then a kiss behind me ear making me giggle 

"I needed to see and hear that one last time."

I felt bucky take my hand and lead me down the strairs steves and my eyes never leaving eachother's. He looked at me as he put the helmet on  and I squeezed Bucky's hand as Steve lifted his hand to presse rhe vutton and bucky squeezed mine as Steve dissapeared.

After 45 seconds my hand let go of Bucky's  but Bucky bevee ler go of mine.

(Varient timeline endings comming)

Taglist

@nana1000night @whore-for-chris-evans @sparklybarbarianninja @patzammit @hawkeyes-queen @bookishtheaterlover7 (i know im miasing a few sry ill ads when i can find the name if u want to be added let me kno)

[leclercenjoyer]

uh

"pierre?" charles says, voice small, "are you still awake?" the arm she has around pierres middle tightens, pulling them closer together. shes warm against pierres back. 

"what is it, squid?" 

"how did you know you were into guys?" and the question is so unexpected it throws pierre for a loop. theres layers to that question, she knows, ones that her sleepy brain isnt equipped to process at the moment. 

"dunno," pierre answers honestly, "probably some actor I thought was hot. or, you remember that drummer from that band i was really into-" 

"yeah but i mean like. actual guys. guys in real life." and charles sounds a bit frustrated, like pierre isnt getting it. 

"darling, what is this about?" Pierre asks, and grabs charles hand, strokes her thumb across the back of charles' hand, aiming for soothing. 

"i dont know if i ever… got that. you know that 'oh shit, hes hot' moment. i always thought everyone was exaggerating, or playing it up because they were supposed to. i thought i was supposed to." 

pierre thinks of teen nights spent in charles' room, reading girly magazines, how charles had never seemed quite as enthused now that she's looking back with the clarity of hindsight. she squeezes charles' hand, urges her to continue. 

"but now, with you, its different," and pierres heart thumps in her chest, but charles continues, "like, i get it now." 

"get what, angel?" pierre prompts, and she has an inkling of what charles is getting at, but she wants her to say it, knows itll help to put it into words. 

"what its supposed to feel like."

pierres breath hitches, and she curbs the urge to roll over and kiss charles silly, knows its probably easier for charles to get it all out like this, with pierres back to her. 

"i thought it was normal, just. you know, regular best friend stuff. i used to… god, this is fucking stupid, but i used to compare them to you. like, how i felt around them, versus how i felt around you. and they never matched up, not even close." 

and thats not something charles has ever told her before. theres so much, just in that statement, so much charles is trusting her with. 

"but it all makes sense, now," charles continues, "because with them i used to feel. i dont know, awkward. in the way. like i was playing a part and i didnt know my lines."

pierre laces their fingers together. 

"but with you it feels. right. you make me feel wanted. sexy, even. i never got that. before."

and the way charles is saying all this, pierre can tell shes been thinking about this a lot, knows her well enough to know shes been putting the lines together in her head, scripting it out as a way to put her thoughts into order. she squeezes charles' hand again, pulls it up to her mouth to press a tiny kiss to her palm, to the delicate skin of her wrist. 

"basically what im trying to say is, ive never felt like this about anyone, before you. and its a little scary but also not. because its you." 

and pierre cant take it anymore, has to kiss her right now, because she can, so she lets go of charles' hand and turns around in her arms, feeling around with her hands in the dark until she finds charles' soft cheek, finds the corner of her mouth with her thumb and leans in to press a soft, lingering kiss to her lips. 

"ive never felt like this before, either," she says, voice earnest and choked, "like, ive been attracted to people. but ive never been in love before." 

and the words left unsaid in that statement ring loud in the silence, before, before. before now. charles freezes, and pierre freezes, heart in her throat, barely daring to breathe because shes laid it all out now, theres no going back, and she has a moment to worry shes fucked it all up, before charles pipes up:

"i think im a lesbian," she blurts out, and theres a beat of silence before she breaks into wheezing giggles, the sweetest sound pierre has ever heard, and fuck, but pierre loves her. 

"fuck, im sorry, im sorry, if i didnt say it now i was never gonna get it out," charles chokes out between wheezes, "hang on, hang on," and she takes a deep breath, trying to get herself under control, and pierre cant help her own little laugh. 

"easy, squid," she says, stroking her thumb across charles' cheekbone, waiting for her to calm down. it takes her a few moments, a few false starts where it seems shes gotten it under control before she breaks again, and pierre waits, because no. matter what, she will always, always wait for charles. 

"i love you," charles says finally, when she can catch her breath again, and its nothing they havent said to each other before, except, "im in love with you. youre it, for me." 

and pierres heart squeezes in her chest, lighter than its ever felt before, and she leans in to press another kiss to her lips. 

"youre it for me, too," and pierre is pretty sure its been coming for a while, but to have it laid out like this feels like. she doesnt have a point of comparison. theres nothing like this in the world, shes pretty sure, tripping headfirst into love with her favorite person in the world, and knowing she'll match her every step of the way.

"and congrats on the lesbianism," she adds, because she wants to hear charles' bright peal of laughter again, matches it with her own before she muffles them both with a kiss. 

[the1975attheirverybest]

Winte(ring)

A/N: for @abiiors 12 days of Christmas prompts. Sorry I’ve abruptly abandoned them. IM SORRY ITS SO SHORT I CANT WRITE FLUFF OKAY.

Inspired by my first winter away from home during the 2014 snowmageddon in Boston. If you know you know. Let me know what you think!!

Prompt: Snowed In

Warnings: nah.

———

“Darling, please! Put that down!” Matty trailed after his girlfriend as she dashed around their rented cabin, gathering her belongings and stuffing them into her suitcase.

“I promised Denise-“

“I promise you that my mum does NOT want you to drive in the middle of a snowstorm just to be there for presents. She’ll understand.” Matty squeezed her shoulder urgently.

“If you wanna stay here all alone, then, suit yourself. But I’m leaving.” With that, she hauled one of the bags over her shoulder, turning doorknob open.

“Are you mad? You think I’m going to let you drive in the middle of-“ Matty stepped outside in his slippers, nearly slipping at the doorstep. “Jesus fuckin Christ!” He gasped when he saw the giant icicle looming down from the dam on the roof, ominously, threatening to break off at any moment and stab them.

“Come with me, then! Get dressed and let’s go before snowfall resumes. It’d be much safer if we could make it back before dark.”

Matty knew that was the logical thing to do, but that wasn’t the plan. THE plan. The one that he’d booked this cabin trip specifically to carry out. “But I’m- I’m sleepy. And- uhhh….ive still got to shower. And I haven’t packed-“

“Instead of standing here arguing with me about it, you could get started with all that!”

She could hear him mutter something under his breath about her being the most stubborn person he’d ever met. Shaking his head, he rushed back inside, his slippers completely drenched, his feet aching.

She shrugged, pressing the button on the car remote and listening to it beep twice. She was in the middle of loading up the car when she heard Matty come back out; with a feeble jacket on, a layer not strong enough to protect his precious body from the elements. He had certain not changed or packed, but at least he had his boots on. She glanced at him quickly before turning back to return to her task. Behind her, Matty was mumbling.

“I knew you were gonna be the death of me the moment that I met you. I just never expected us to die in a snow storm, for fucks sakes.”

Ordinarily, this is what would instigate a fight. He would share his inside thoughts out loud, inevitably saying something to set her off, she’d bite back with something quipping and sarcastic, and they’d kick off their competition for who would have the last word. But, considering that they were in a hurry to get on the road, she let his complaints slide.

“It’s my fault. Should’ve known you’d make this an impossible task. But no, I had to plan this fuckin romantic shitshow.”

Her brows furrowed as she moved their bags around inside the car, trying to fit them together like Tetris pieces. Behind her, she heard Matty zip and unzip his backpack repeatedly. Was he planning on loading up his stuff one individual item at a time?

She pushed the back of the car closed, sighing loudly in an attempt to exhale the annoyance out of her body. But, then, she turned around.

“Oh- my- fuck-“ she was stunned.

Before her eyes, Matty knelt down on one knee. Among a huge bed of rose petals that were presently sinking into the snow, slowly being covered up with white, disappearing. He popped the little box in his hand. A gorgeous diamond ring sparkling from within.

“Will you marry me?” Matty asked as soon as their eyes locked. “My darling—“ he swallowed. His heart beating against his coat. “will you do me the honor of being my wife you stubborn, relentless, ridiculous human being?” Marty was shocked at how nervous he’d felt. Despite the fact that they’d been together forever, talked about spending the rest of their lives as a couple, discussed marriage, starting a family, felt comfortable in their decision that they never wanted to be with anyone else, ever again. Matty still felt vulnerable and scared. To offset the unnerving feeling, he did what he does best: rant. “I had this whole thing planned. It was meant to happen inside! By the fireplace. Tonight. Dinner. Just you and me. There was going to be wine- umm…I can get the wine actually!” He went to stand up “probably shouldn’t get up before you answer. I just….theres nobody else I’d rather be snowed in - or out- with. I suppose you could say- the storm….it’s an awfully clear metaphor for- you know….the unexpected ups and downs of life that come your way in a marriage- or something obvious and dramatic like that….i just mean I love you and only you. I never want to love anyone else for the rest of my days. And I can’t think of a better way to honor that, than, like, marrying you, so I think we should be husband and wife. Forever and-“

She knelt down, kissing him with tears in her eyes. The sudden, added weight, threw him off balance, his knee sinking into the soft snow.

“Yes.” She whispered giggling into his mouth. “Yes I’ll marry you, you pretentious dickhead. Give me the ring…”

[robotnuts]

im so glad u watched 19 bc i truly have soooo many thoughts on like theres so much potential & really good scenes there but so many misses. the tex part is easily the best part of it though i still cant believe it actually happened. i kinda wish sarge's death was off screen like you see them watch him die but give him no final words sort of deal... i feel like it wouldve been a better plot device rather than the longer scene if sarge saying what he's feeling as he dies. sorry i keep thinking about that its my main thing i wouldve changed. well that and putting wash back in prison instead of a mental facility because i think a prison break with untreated mental illness couldve done more than ....... whatever the hell the wash scenes were. restoration is easily the best set up for fanwork ive seen in a while tho NGL the meta tucker concept is soooo fun i wish it got explored more. sorry im rambling in ur askbox now LOL

YESSS sorry for the late response. im glad rvb restoration dropped hwen it did so ic ould watch it irl with my girlfriend but it did happen to be during the most busy month of my year so obviously my blogging has been completely slacking. i really love this final line that apparently sarge was going to say. i think its more sweet and poetic than him spelling out how hes feeling about simmons and grif in particular

no yeah my biggest issue is just like. this felt like a vehicle for like, meta scenes saying goodbye to the reds and the blues, but the actual like "plot" of the season didnt really have any time to develop and had to just be quick weird scenes that were just kind of tonally dissonant and not really polished or treated with the same kind of care and deftness he was able to handle mixing the humor and plot elements of the recollections trilogy. both due to the runtime, him being out of the game for so long, and needing to do a full plot in one season instead of three. it really felt bare bones. which is fine it's just like, obviously you can see that its not the best, and i feel like if it was going to just be a vehicle for sappy goodbye to rvb as a property scenes i wish it had just gone all in and given us more interactions between the different characters. idk. im not really sure how id fix it aside from just having my own completely differnet version of their future in my head but ive already kind of written that post out for my post chorus vision lmao. dumpster baby forever...

META TUCKER IS REALLY FUN AND I COULDNT BE TOO MAD AT IT because it was literally a type of concept that epsilontucker riffed on after the open ended s13 (oh my god rip epsilontucker i think im gonna be sick). but his scenes again felt pretty jarring nad just put in there to keep the season moving and wahh why did they torture him for 10 fucking years ahhh scary AHHH. yeah, now that you said it it really does feel like. the bare bones of an incredible 250k word fanfic written by someone who has a different more serious tone than the original series like, put my guns in the ground style, moreso than an rvb season LMFAO but that's fine if anyones still in the fandom and cares to do that i'd love to see it. idk. im rambling. it was a good fun stream and i liked individual scenes but it was definitely all over the place for me

[yanderestevenuniverse]

So here's a scenario idea, what if Y/N escaped Yandere Pearl and one day Y/N broke into Stevens house, and Y/N literally having an anxiety attack telling her that they have been a terrible girlfriend and that they miss them so much, and when Y/N wakes up she completely forgets what happened.

ok so if I read this correctly y/n escapes for a while and then one day breaks into Stevens house talking about what a horrible partner they are and then they pass out and forget everything… am I reading this right if I��m not please correct me

title: miss me not

CRASH

Steven shot out of his bed heart racing. What the heck was that noise. Immediately pulling out his sheid he began using the soft glow to slowly scan the room looking for the source of the noise… it didn’t take him long to find the the huddling mass in the corner of his room

imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry

Y/N steven said shocked quickly putting away his sheild. What arre you doing here i thought-

im sorry i left Y/N said quietly

What? steven said confused

i shoudnt have lefft her it was a mistake she said couldnt survive on my own without her she was right i cant do it i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i can i cant-

y/n stop said steven putting an arm on her shoulder just be calm an-

DONT TOUCH ME Y/N screamed YOU CANT TOUCH ME NOBODY CAN TOUCH ME SHE SAID ONLY SHE CAN-

*Twack*

Y/N body droped to the floor with a thud. Steven reactive as ever raised his sheild to the attacker only to see... Pearl?

What are you ding here steven said the confusion on his face more palpable then ever before.

i thought you might be in trouble said pearl her voice dripping with disintrest her eyes locked onto Y/N unconcious body.

Before steven could even say another word pearl quickly but carefully scooped Y/N up into her arms before heading for the door.

W-WAIT Steven shouted but it was too late she was gone.

... Y/N groaned their head was throbing. attempting to lessen the pain they smushed their head between the pillows...

Y/N

Y/n shot up with a fright to the sound of thier name being called spin their head around only to groan after seeing pearl their girlfreind standing over them next the the bed they were lying on

they smiled saying pearl dont just scare me like that my head is-

do you remember anything from last night said pearl cutting them off

Y/N raised an eyebrow at this umm no not really is there any reasoni should pearl my head rally hurts

at this pearl stared at them for a few seconds before smileing warmly and in a chipper voice saying well dont you worry ive got some pain killers in the medicene closet and pancakes on the stove so you just lie back and rest ill be back soon

and without another word pearl left the room to fetch the medicene but before she did the she looked down on her hand and noticed some... red

idiot she thought to herself Y/N could have seen that. taking a quick breth in and out she reminded herself why she was doing this; she couldnt let Y/N leave her not like rose did besidse she thought to herself

its amazing what just a few store bought chemicals can do to the human memory

END

Note: im sorry this took so long ive had a busy week i went on a 6 hour excursion then i had to go to my freinds birthday party and finnish off home work not only that but my computer broke and it took three days to fix it and i was not about to write this on my phone sooooo yeah i hope this makes up for it

and remembr stay tuned

[lesbianyosano]

manifesting Fukufuku dying in each others arms -> I am losing it slowly anyway thoughts on the newest chapter?

this has been sitting in my askbox since september and im really sorry anwsering took so long, but ive been trying to articulate how the last few chapters/last episode made me feel and im still not sure, because there have been so many bizzare choices made by both asagiri and the ppl behind the anime i still cant wrap my head around it fully (this got stupid long sorry)

starting with fukuzawa, i made a post a while back talking abt how i was assuming he was going to die/why it'd make a lot of sense, and there were really two main reasons for that; 1. he hasnt had anything interesting to offer for the story for a while and 2. his ability actively stops other important characters (mainly atsushi and kyouka) from further developement. the first thing is now gone which im pretty happy with! i love fukuzawa a lot so it's nice to see him finally have a purpose in the main story and im excited to see where it will go (also fukufuku you will always be famous to me <3333333), but the issue of his ability is still very much here. ive seen ppl theorize that all men are equal is just him lying and there is no ability but i honest to god would hate that, bc it would seem like such a shallow twist. atsushi's conflict with the tiger is central to his character so if it suddenly got revealed that a huge reason why he's even capable of using his power is just placebo "believe in yourself" bullshit i think i'd tear my own hair out. so im still thinking fukuzawa may get killed at some point, esp with the position he's been put into now and how much he seems to not want it.

and as for the "chuuya was never a vampire" fiasco, i honestly have no words, it was so unbelievably bad. ik there's been a ton of posts about how "its actually good" bc fyodor's death was caused by his inability to trust, and dazai's belief in his allies is what put him at an advantage, which is nice yeah, but it doesnt change how fucking stupid of a plan that was. if their goal is to kill fyodor, why not do it in that flooded room? fyodor escapes solely bc chuuya gets him out but if he was concious the entire time why not just leave him there? why continue to pretend? im usually not a huge fan of getting angry over plot holes when the narrative and themes are whats more important, but this is just so blantantly stupid. it feels like asagiri just wanted a plot twist for a plot twist's sake. mersault in general is so poorly constructed as an arc (dazai communicating via his heartbeat,,,, give me a break) but at least you'd hope it would end in a way that makes you excuse all of that, and then it doesn't. i think this post sums up how i feel about this than i ever could

and the fact that its december and we are STILL behind the fucking anime asagiri be so for real. it's easy to see now that the constant half chapters and short releases were a deliberate choice to have the anime catch up which i dont love, but fine, whatever. but now??? what the point of half releases? these chapters have been ready for a long time, and there's no way asagiri and the editors and whoever else is involved arent aware of how frustrated the readers have been for years now. the only explanation i can think of is that maybe the manga will have a different arc conclusion and ctheyre trying to idk, make it seem like we're following the anime closely? idk this shit is so stupid

overall this past arc or two have been bad, there are some elements that make them enjoyable still, but there is no theme consistency and overreliance on cliff hangers (that ppl still somehow buy). it feels like there are no stakes to the story, and that's really bad. maybe it's why i was hoping for fukuzawa to be killed alongside fukuchi idk, it'd finally feel like something is changing

on a brief positive note i quite enjoyed fyodors death, weird catholic freak, ofc nikolai is cradling your arm like this. i was a little suprised to see fyodor killed just yet (bc he always needed to die for the story to be able to wrap up eventually), but given the jesus quote, he may as well come back in some way tbh

[wrothian]

ストレイチルドレン (Stray Children)

second game i was able to beat fully in japanese (on a technical level its my first, since my playthrough of nanatsu kaze no shima monogatari glitched and kept me from playing only the final boss... but i did watch what i couldnt play). im shocked i was able to understand the whole game and it was a great challenge + fun learning experience. i put alt text on the screenshots with text so you can get an idea of what it says

as for the game itself: Its peak. theyve done it again. i knew it would be special as the final rpg kimura planned to make. its very hard for me to word the things i want to about this game without talking about spoilers (which i will do under the cut). within even the first five minutes it was making me gasp and yell and point at the screen. its such a love letter to PEOPLE. to LOVERS. doubly so to anyone who has played moon beforehand. really enjoyed all of the characters, areas, dodging mechanics. this game is CRUEL to you. one save. no menu. no settings. adults will gladly and easily kill you. i loved it

since i played pre-bugpatch i ran into a good handful of bugs but honestly, depending on the game and the devteam they can be really endearing. in this situation they were almost completely endearing aside from a few things in my second playthrough. it speaks volumes that the worldbuilding was so nice that i would run into a bug and just happily think about my player's father working on the game and happening to miss this one.

i really loved how much room for interpretation there is in the story. everything feels so layered over and over and over again where so many thoughts ive had about the plot and the intention behind scenes/lines/gameplay all feel like potential answers. kenken is by far my favorite guy. i enjoyed yasuyo a lot too and of course the nameless boy. lots of interesting missable stuff that made me very much enjoy my second playthrough and i hope theres even more that i missed honestly. also the music is great i really hope a soundtrack is released or someone rips the files soon!!!

now under the cut will be some spoiler thoughts i have about the game (MOON RPG SPOILERS ALSO PRESENT)

making this a moon sequel of sorts is absolutely unbelievable. making it so connected to the cut section of story is unbelievable. it is its own thing, but its also so connected to moon that i cant imagine playing it without playing moon first. the grandson was the hero, now the grandson is the antagonist-turned-savior thanks to the crumbling world in crescent moon. he wasnt even that relevant but why was he talking about how he shouldnt even exist in the world!!! i guess thats why hes the antag now because dad has become the owner of the cursed armor

yasuyos whole deal is so funny. shes awesome. i think its a little silly how she can do all of that at the very end without explanation (her reasoning for it all is very clear, though. but youre iffy if she'll actually do something which i love). i do really really really like her constant chatter about the door of ends to the point it causes me, the player, to start focusing on that rather than my characters ACTUAL goal of finding my father... i had to play twice because she legit got me with it. the helmet even said to find my own path!! i needed to find my station but i left through the door anyways because she got into my head!!! im sorry yasuyo i dont think ill ever be able to take you out of the world through the door!!!

it killed me that my talk with my dad was the same format as a boss fight talk. it hit too hard hearing him talk about how tired of life he was, how miserable he was trying to work, how people put him down so easily... and how happy he was that i, as the nameless boy, was born. it KILLED me that the game itself was a "boss fight" with me, the player, the adult scarred by societal pressure and life experience. the very last word is the same one i said to all the adults to open their hearts and help them move on to the afterlife. We'll meet again in a world that we make kinder ourselves. Oh my god we have to live. WE HAVE TO LIVE AND LOVE

that said, im also thinking a lot about how it doesnt seem like killing adults or saving them affects endings as far as we are aware rn. incredible misdirect and subversion of undertale inspiration that ties in sweetly with the themes i think. you should save people because you want to know them. they are people just like you. i think if you went through the game and didnt see them as people, yes you could find your father and speak to him, but you wouldnt feel fulfilled. life's like that too, isnt it??

what im really grappling with is the first strange plate, who/what kenken is, and what it means to abandon the dogface at the end of the credits. starting with the plate

it speaks about a puppy being beaten by the people who are being urged on by "something" (negative emotions) and having to bear with it. is this the nameless boy? is this kenken? is this the dad, considering these plates were engraved via creation of the game, so why would he be aware of the boy/kenkens bullying? is it just a statement about how our negative feelings can cause us to lash out at others and hurt them? Its probably everything

Who is kenken. i really am thinking a lot about the theory that kenken and the nameless boy are one and the same. and maybe to that extent i, the player, am also kenken. if no player has entered in over 30 years, how is the nameless boy still a boy? if the father vanished right when the game was finished, why is the boy still a boy and yet the game and consoles are retro? his house has a more modern tv. if this is kenken coming to terms with the lack of his father (and potentially neglect/cruelty, considering the dad knocking the boy away while he worked), then its interesting watching him try to give his child self "adult advice" and still failing to protect his child self fully. and his acknowledgement that hes failing. a commentary about kenken's experience with adults not being there for him, maybe. in that case: what about him staying with dad? is this all him dying, coming to terms with his father, and then entering the cycle of rebirth as a newborn? is this him abandoning his adult misery with his father (who he will be able to relate to more via this pain) and re-entering life with more love in his heart, akin to a child?

the child loses his face at the end. if the child is kenken, is his face kenken? if i am kenken, is the child me? one of us—all of us—come(s) to terms with reality. that theres good and bad in the world and we can continue to love and live huh. i think the game was incredible

we have to live guys

[aajjks]

Ive never done a crazy bitch so please go easy on me guys! 😭

Christian! *Hearing the words come from his mouth of him having sex with another woman turned her cockiness turned straight to anger. Another woman? He moved on? How could he ever move on from her? Did he forget who he belonged to? Who was this woman? There’s no way he’d choose some slut over her! Every man wanted her yet he moves on like nothing? She froze in her spot, watching his back as he walked away. Her eyes grew wide with anger before she was marching fast up to him, shoving anybody who got in her way before grabbing his sleeve and turning him around with so much strength.* What the fuck did you just say? I swear Christian- You better be lying or I swear- *She screamed at him in the middle of the hallways with the entire school slowing down to watch them. Samantha began to grab his hoodie, shaking him with anger when the tears of pure fury filled her eyes.* YOU BASTARD! TAKE IT BACK- TAKE IT BACK! WHO WAS SHE HUH?! *Samantha cried and screamed before throwing her purse at him, not caring if all the items inside spilled everywhere.* It’s that bitch isn’t it! The woman who stole your attention from me- Isn’t it!!! *She said calmly as she began putting two and two together before the thought of him with another woman flash in her head, making her more angry.* ILL KILL HER- YOU BETTER BE LYING YOU ASSHOLE- YOURE MINE! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!! *She screamed even louder as the male teacher near by had to pull her off of Christian as she was pushing him, hitting his chest.* LET ME GO- LET ME FUCKING GO- ITS NOT OVER CHRISTIAN I SWEAR- IF I CANT HAVE YOU NO BITCH WILL!! *Samanthas screams die down as the teacher pulls her to the office down the hall.*

“What a crazy bitch… anyways ms yn I’m back and I’m sorry if you heard any commotion in the hall a few hours ago, it was my crazy ex you know.. I gotta go home now, but I swear I’ll be there to train Adin!!! and his friends!!! **he makes sure that your class is empty, he kisses your lips hard** I will see you very soon!”

[1186e]

hi. so like. i fucked up. i fucked up severely. i know i did, and i can take full responsibility for that now. if youre wondering why it took eight months, well, we can leave it at there were complications, number one being i thought you didnt want something like this. from the moment i was clearheaded enough to start writing an apology, the lack of any word from you made me wonder if you really wanted one. and then todds message would ring in my head and tell me it wasnt wanted here at all.

i dont really know how to convey how much i regret everything or how to even apologize correctly but i figure ive got to do this one way or another. i just really dont want to leave off with… whatever the fuck i said in psychosis, i can barely remember. all i have are my assumptions on what i fucked up, but assumptions are what got me here in the first place, so this is about to be Very Unprofessional And Meandering

ok so the first and most obvious thing to apologize for is. the repeated attempts at disappearing. trying to explain why is like trying to untangle a gordian knot. all i can say is im sorry. im sorry it happened and im sorry it kept happening and im sorry i hurt you. i quite literally wasn't thinking. i was reacting to things i did not tell you about in the moment like some kind of wounded animal. there is a lot a lot a lot i kept from you since december 2019 and like. i really regret keeping it all to myself. maybe having told people would have changed something, but thats a what-if no one can do shit about, and it dont matter any more. i think ive left enough ghosts regardless of whether or not i wanted to

with that out of the way i can try to explain it in other ways. one of the things i really want to say here is there was no resentment. this wasnt a "holding grudges and exploding at the last minute" thing. i was never angry. i did not get that across, ever. i cant think of a time in the last 3 years where i was ever actually mad at you. again, i dont think it ever really seemed like that. i want to say again: you never did anything to make me mad or upset. the reality on my side was much more messy and confusing cos i barely know myself at the best of times, and i know ive been mad about plenty of OTHER things, which makes it more confusing to parse. i want to clarify: you did nothing to upset me or make me hold grudges. the last time, the one i remember the most, i did not leave cos you made me mad or upset or insulted or something. this is going in circles now but what im trying to get to is i thought you wanted me gone. it was fear. i thought all of you there couldnt stand me. a simple sentiment that comes from a clusterfuck of extremely confusing circumstances and signals, and a prophetic one. everything seemed to say i wasn't wanted there. i dont know how to word this except that like. it felt like i was treated different? in a way i could never put words to. a feeling of being on thin ice, or seeing how everyone reacted to each other and seeing how they reacted to me and feeling like it was. less. less good. less enthusiastic. i have no clue if it was the depression refusing to let good memories or good things remain in my brain or the other disorder convincing me the good was somehow bad but i felt like i was a minor character to use. a stupid metaphor. every time i wanted to leave or left it was chasing a feeling of 'i have to go now or they'll kick me out, or im on the cusp of making them hate me somehow'.

anyway what im trying to get to here is just this: you did nothing wrong. you couldn't have known this, or anything going on with me, since i didnt tell anyone and i didnt even realize what was happening until i physically got away from some people i was forced to be around irl. and i know this sounds like an excuse or something but i could not exist around them without them reinforcing incredibly bad habits and insecurities. you did the best you could with the scraps i gave anyone. none of this is your fault. i kept. a lot a lot a lot of secrets cos i was scared of telling people. anything i guess. i am a moron and it is my fault cos i thought i could handle everything on my own back then if only i could try harder and the only thing it did was result in confusing everyone around me + breaking down some of the best relationships in my life. one of those was you, in case it isnt clear.

anyway. back to the point. i know now it feels like i was giving you the silent treatment or attempting to punish you for something unless im getting that very wrong. i have only recently been exposed to people talking about how it feels to be on the other end of this also. i didnt think about how it feels to have someone suddenly and without warning pull away from you (obviously) especially when its not only been once but a repeated occurrence. i also know it doesnt make sense to someone thinking normally, but in those delusional (and when i say delusion i mean it with sincerity, not exaggeration or self depreciation), incredibly stressed out moments, the backwards thinking of "if they want me around they'll reach out, if they don't they wont" felt like it was logical. sometimes people run when they want to be followed but how the fuck are you supposed to know that? the insane logic of "if these people really loved me theyd violate the boundary they thought i put up". no part of this makes sense to me anymore but its easy (for me) to trace the disordered thinking into why it did at one point. but its not healthy and its a stupid as fuck thing to try to pull on other people. and its not good cos. the only person who ever followed that logic and approached me when i was isolating was someone who Wanted to isolate me.

and i know it sounds delusional to say someone could do this and do it on a basis where they didnt want to hurt someone (it quite literally is!) but that was. basically the only thought in my head at the time. i thought my presence was an active detriment + i didnt think i would be noticed if i was gone + i thought leaving would make things better for other people + my first instinct when dealing with the. incredibly intense emotions i was going through at the time is self isolation and online that always seems to manifest as freak out and delete everything or try to + i thought i was approaching the point where i was going to be left so my kneejerk reaction was to leave and be hurt on my own terms or at least leave until the feeling passes + L all around. and im taking the leap right now (too late) in trying to trust that this was all just made up in my head and you felt none of this (at the time at least), this was all transference on my part from. this other. honestly really terrible group i was in (i think i complained about them once or twice where you could see, but about other. petty things i could find words for and not. some other things). and from people i talked to everyday constantly trying to convince me of this. i dont think like this anymore. i recently got back into contact with some people i used to be close with years ago who people irl made sure i isolated myself from and the realization that i can be missed and thought about when im not there hit me like running into a brick wall. i know this sounds like. stupid as shit and probably fake but like. i just was convinced of it?

one thing i have to stop and try to explain here is these actions were like. normal to me. no hostile intent behind them. i have friends that do this to me all the time. i have one whos disappeared on me for months at a time who ive been friends with for a decade, who doesnt answer a single message until she suddenly does and is back until she disappears again. i got used to it i guess. i had another friend group who does this all the time, too (that one i just mentioned), so i didnt think anything of it. people have done it to me irl as well so i guess i just. thought you would react like i do and put it out of your mind until it resolved itself (and if you think 'hey this is contrary to the wanting to be followed idea', it is, and its cos im a hypocrite and my brain followed no logic). i thought the reason id fucked up these times myself was i couldnt cut and go as cleanly as they could cos part of me still wanted to just. stay. and play stupid games with you. i didnt realize my absence would be noticed, i thought it would be better for everyone if i was gone for at least a while, i didnt realize the kind of panic and worry that instills in normal people (especially since when id isolate before i ever met you guys it never seemed to), i didnt think it was possible for someone to worry over me, and i didnt know that sort of thing was linked to something traumatic for you specifically. i wish you'd told me earlier. or maybe you did and i fucking forgot, in which case, im sorry for that too, ive been incredibly tunnel visioned on my own situation for. years. and its made me a really. really shitty friend

i dont think i ever like once opened up to you or anyone about. anything? any of this. any of how my brain worked or how i was doing or what was going on. i bitched a lot, more as the situation i was in actively got worse and made me a worse person , but like. i dont think i ever actually had a conversation with any of you about it. and thats my fault. this is like, really stupid to admit after it already happened, but part of me was sure if i did, if i was really honest and you got a look at how fuckt all my problems were, you'd leave.

and i want to say that came out of nowhere but i cant. i had another group of friends, mentioned before, where that also felt normal. there was someone in there who weaseled my bpd diagnosis out of me and then she like. used this as an example of why i was a bad person and couldnt be trusted, cos she had someone who hurt her who had bpd or something, but they let me stay "on thin ice" if she could "mediate those behaviours". this resulted in a lot of very confusing shit i can barely remember aside from the fact it started around the same time we got the kicked outnotice, around september 2020. but one of them i do remember was when id say i cared about someone or drew something for them she accused me of lovebombing people and said "if people really cared about what you were giving theyd give something back, so stop". and every time i tried to google it i felt like i couldnt prove her wrong. so i ended up like. stopping any and all displays of affection to friends. that statement alone ended up reinforcing a terrible ass. transactional view of things that i know i ended up freaking out with you about at least once. and im sorry about that, too. it was beyond ridiculous and theres no excuse for that

anyway if this feels like its not related to anything, one of the things i wanted to apologize for is im not sure if you noticed like. a sudden drop off in my ability to express affection to you or other people but. that was why. and then while i was high and struggling to get my head around something that happened to me in early april that group exploded and she pointed at me and said i was a terrible person. which is about when i came back with the. im not sure if im remembering what i said right but "why do you care" and the. what was the other thing? that it was better without me? i didnt mean it as angry although i can understand now why in that situation itd be interpreted as lashing out. i meant it as a genuine question. i did not get that across. i was struggling to understand why anyone would care about me at all at in that moment and also very out of touch with reality. maybe fuckin (dialogue tags) like an elcor would have helped idk. i dont know why i suddenly messaged you out of the blue like that all i can think of is like. youd made the feeling go away before and i was hoping that could happen again but i had no clue how to approach anyone first of all and secondly thats a ridiculous burden to put on another person and im so sorry for that

i remember something like insisting i wasnt an attentionwhore when youd messaged me before and like i know you must have not had a fucking clue where that came from and i didnt know where to go with an "okay" so i didnt. say anything. and it was a ridiculous outburst cause by like. this terrible thing that happened in april that goes back to march that like. i still dont know how to talk about. but something happened and when i tried to tell people about it i made the mistake of assuming these people liked me and when i tried to come clean about something that had happened to me i got called an attentionwhoring freak and i got dropped in favour of. someone else. and i was trying really really really fucking hard to act normal but i could interact with nothing and do nothing except give my things away and stare at a screen and i didnt know who i could tell and it was your birthday month and i didnt want to make it about me but i fucking. did in the end. ruined that whole thing. im sorry i fucked up april for you and im sorry i never finished that art i said id make for it and im. sorry i never told you anything earlier that could have averted this. the timing was too awful it was too close to. your birthday and we were always doing something in that mmo and it felt like something bad was always happening to you too and. i dont know. i thought it was a space i couldnt take up and that no one wanted me to. i guess it all comes back to the fear again i was too scared to ask if i could tell anyone and i was too scared to. admit anything was happening. even after the point where it was really obvious. if i admitted it i had to admit to myself i didnt have control over what had happened

although from everything that was said to me im assuming i ruined things long ago and no one ever told me. so to the point: im sorry i ruined your life and for being a shitty friend. i'm sorry for being so fucking weird and cagey and unable to explain or communicate anything at all. now that ive been actively trying to trust someone theres nothing i regret more than not being able to do it sooner and all the fuckin. hurt and confusion my lack of trust caused

another thing i want to apologize for is like. the several times id tried to talk to you about something but came off very aggressively. i never realized how weird it was to approach people like that until like. well for one your reactions to it. but until i left the situation i was in irl and got to interact with a Normal Person everyday that was just like. how things happened around me. i didnt realize it wasn't normal, i thought that like, your patience and kindness and understanding in response was abnormal and i didnt know how to respond to that. i mean, it certainly defused me every time. you are like a master of deescalation but im guessing that comes with your job. anyway what i wanted to say here was i'm sorry for always approaching things so aggressively, especially if that was the lashing out. i thought i was learning to communicate better but i wasn't. i certainly wasnt fucking communicating That or Anything that was Happening. and like im sorry for the stress that caused you being faced with sudden aggression like that and trying to figure out what the fuck my problem was

another thing i want to apologize for is the like. idk how to describe this one except for "promoting callouts and cherry picking". i know you already know what im referring to. i dont know why i did this considering it fed back into my paranoia too but the only thing i can think of is considering how fucking shitty my situation was i wanted control over something. and sometimes that was 'look at how terrible these people are'. which is not an excuse for the behaviour, i should have remembered you were also in a shitty situation you had little control over. ever since i got to live away from the toxic sludge dump and got medicated this literally means nothing to me but i know it probably stoked your own paranoia too and im sorry about that. everything i brought up was a ridiculous thing to draw lines over. memories of some of the things id gotten tilted over come back to me sometimes and i put my head in my hands. im sorry for the stress i caused here too!

im trying to think of other stupid ass things ive done and like. i am also sorry for being. so secretive? if you understand. like telling you not to tell people stuff. i think you already know what sort of complexes were making me do that, given how many times ive told people stuff and then had them turn around and make fun of it in a private group. but also i was not dealing w that in a healthy way at all and making some pretty ridiculous demands, like of even keeping something from your twin? even something that innocuous? i want to say im not that stupid but i was the one who asked. and to that end i dont care what you do with this apology or who you share it with im sure theres shit in here that deserves to be made fun of to hell and back.

and that is all i can remember to apologize for, but im assuming to have been cut out like that there must be a shit ton im not remembering. one of the only things i can remember you saying before you left was "you say you wont be an asshole but are" and thats just vague enough it could be literally anything i just brought up, but if its not one of those, and you want an apology for it. you know where to find me on discord i assume im in your block list. also if you just want to like. yell at me. for all of this. you can. its fine. you can do that and then block me again idk and like. thats what i get

and i know this is a whole ass fucking essay and i really really hope this is 'explanation' and not 'excuse'. i dont want any of this to excuse what i did, because i know it was fucking awful and i will never be able to apologize enough for what i put you through. to use one of those cliche apology lines, but like with sincerity, there is no excuse for my behaviour, and none of what happened is your fault. its mine and a result of my fuckups and my insecurities and my twisting myself into knots. you were like unfailingly kind and patient even when i read you or a situation wrong, the only fault here lies with me and my trust issues and the fact i could just not. get myself to believe. and being too zeroed in on what i was going through to consider how i was affecting other people. now that i actually want to be here there are like. so many things i wish i could go back and change. but i cant. i have to live with how i was immature and emotionally reactive and terrified of everything and. everything i fucked up when i thought i would not live long enough to see the consequences. i guess another thing i want to apologize for is theres definitely some times i probably made you feel like you were still at your job dealing with a child lmfao

a lot of this happened cos like. i dont know how to put this (how many times have i written that so far) other than being like. completely unaware of what i am to people and desperate for some kind of indication i was as significant in other peoples lives as they were in mine, which felt fundamentally impossible, but was also something i was just too fucking scared to ever try to ask directly. or i guess it felt like if i had to ask i was being manipulative or forcing you into a situation where you had to give a nice answer cos you didnt want to upset me or something and i didnt. want that. (which i guess ties in again to lack of trust. like not trusting you to give an honest answer. im not sure why) which makes no sense cos in the end the trying to see without asking ends up. more manipulative? i mean thats obvious but the thought somehow never occurs in the moment. and i could not read any of you at all and the feedback loop was an electric chair. or i guess like. i was constantly asking the question 'do you still love me even though im made of flaws' again and again until i got the no that validated my worldview. and i did not reciprocate the care shown to me at any point. i could not love u or anyone in a way that mattered.

i guess what it comes down to is i was a massive cunt and for what. i dont even know anymore. i sit here and the self preservation looks stupid as shit and didnt even preserve my self in the end, and was directed at the wrong fucking people. king of making mountains out of grains of rice on the floor.

i dont like. want to be your friend again or even forgiven. i dont think this works like that i dont think ideserve that. i just want to end things on a less confusing note i guess. i hope this is less confusing. somehow? it is all of my fucking issues irt what lead to this laid bare i guess or at least as bare as i can make it right now and if all you have in response is a "get help and leave me alone freak" itd be deserved

i guess to get to the actual point of all this. im sorry. you deserved better than this. i think i might have made it feel like you were responsible for my emotions or behaviour, which i didnt want to, and you werent. i was responsible for every shitty reaction and thought i had no matter the circumstances, i was the one who could have brought things up and made myself feel better at any point but i never did. and i never knew what i needed in the moment so i asked for stupid things that never helped and only confused people, especially when i didnt realize the scope of what id done and tried to move on asap since lingering on the. memories of the things that instigated whenever this would happen was. a lot.

you met me at the weirdest fucking time in my life and i wish i could have been a good friend instead. im sorry for everything, for not learning how to communicate in time to avert this dumbass self-created tragedy of an ending, for the bad faith takes, for the aggression, for any worry or panic i created. i wish i could make things better or fix things or make amends somehow but like i have no clue how to and i dont think anyone would let me. you have a lot of good people looking out for you! im sure they can help you better than i can. i was the one who pushed this until it broke so it feels like the only thematically fitting thing i can do is disappear right this time.

i dont expect you to look past any of this shit or even respond but like, if you have been at any point, please dont worry. about me trying to contact you again or just about me in general. im not your problem anymore and im in a way better space. i guess one last thing i regret is not being able to leave my situation in time for that to really matter here. i hope untangling the things we wrote together hasnt been too painful for you. im sorry i turned out to be the kind of person who has to try to write a hedge maze of an apology like this. this is like not even an apology anymore its just like a goodbye letter and its taking ages so

i do want to let you know you were unfailingly kind to me and its my fault i floundered and didnt know how to react to that. im sorry i wore out that kindness and patience. im sorry for all the love i was too stupid to know what to do with and forgot about and now can never repay even for the bits i do remember. this was not a relationship i wanted to push until it broke but i did! i thought in the moment i was only hurting myself but i wasnt! it never crossed my mind that someone who is your friend can't stand there and watch you hurt yourself without being hurt in turn. and im sorry that now we both have to deal with the fallout of. me. i hope in some way this makes that easier on you at least. it wasn't your fault, you werent responsible for my behaviour, i won't bother you again, and i realize now that going dfe and not giving anyone a name to block was like, a shitty paranoia inducing thing to do, so here's me giving you one. i hope the damage i did for you doesnt last long + the detox and recovery is. not so bumpy at least

i really dont know how to end this since like. everything ive read about apologies in the past few months (you can laugh at me for looking. none of it helped) says like. tell them how you wont repeat this. i cant tell you that cos there is nothing to repeat cos there is nothing here and nothing to go back to. i guess what i can say is im sorry i made it that way. now i live with someone who doesnt love to trigger those same relationship paranoia spirals. about the best thing to come of this situation, even if it didnt seem like it at the time, was that it was enough of a world-shattering event to make me realize physically i had to get away from where i was or nothing would ever change. i think cos of this, and cos of some things you guys taught me that i can only try applying now, i can be a better friend to people. but not you. i wish i could refund you guys any of the damn money you spent on me

ok so like. this has dragged on forever. both this and the waiting for. so thank you for being in my life for the short period you were. the three years (and a half?) we knew each other were good i think you guys were one of the best parts of those years despite how i acted. i wish id been more grateful and im sorry i wasnt as good a friend to you as you were to me. i hope the rest of december is good to you and i hope the holidays and new years are fun. i fucked up last nye cos i thought you didnt want to spend time with me and was trying to play it off casually, and you deserve better than that, too, so like i hope the one you get this time is better and memorable. i hope the rest of your life is happy and you get back the good you put into the world someday. thank you for taking the time to read this far. alright. goodnight and goodbye