#sorry it ain't that long

[solarsleepless]

hello all

welcome back the kristy thomas autism analysis, where i'm rewatching the show and writing down her autistic traits as i see em (as well as noting any neurodiverse traits in the other girls). here's part 1, 2, 3/4 and 5 if you haven't seen them yet.

due to the sensitive nature of episode 6, i won't be doing a list of kristy's traits this time around. however, i will take the time to note that claudia and janine remind me of when different neurodivergent people clash - specifically, autistics and adhders, especially since claudia accuses janine of not having feelings, and when janine tries to break down the facts to her to reassure her in her own way, claudia snaps back at her and hurts her. also, janine seems averse to touch this episode.

kristy isn't featured in episode seven that much, considering it's stacey and mary anne centric. and in episode eight there's not much to comment on, just some stimming here and there.

without further ado, let's get into this.

Episode 8/9

it's been mentioned before, but kristy is, from what we've seen, the one least concerned about going up to authority figures. some autistic people don't have a sense of embarrassment or second thoughts in situations where there should be. i don't know if my words are coming across right or if this makes sense.

kristy mentions the baby-sitter's club every other sentence. hyperfixation!!

some minor stimming in the form of fiddling with her fingers

problems with volume control ("'CAUSE ARCHERY IS A SURVIVAL SKILL!"), which many autistic people have trouble with and often don't even realize they're doing

additional notes

mary anne stimming, fiddling with her brade!! she's also very anxious about not being with her friends, which is understandable, but being in a new environment can be hard yet bearable with friends and constants, but is really stressful when you have nothing to latch onto.

idk if i read dawn as neurodivergent, but if i do, then she reads as having a hyperfixation on social justice :)

and folks, that's season 1 wrapped up!!! i hope you enjoyed me being absolutely rabid about this little ginger gal and her friends. i'll probably do season 2 at some point, though likely not soon. this has been really fun!!

[mellosdrawings]

So I've been obsessing over your Teen!Crewel posts (my friend and I love dabbling in that era too) and after reading that list of headcanons I have to wonder...since Divus rarely saw his parents do you think there anyone he lowkey saw as a parental figure? Like Trein or the butler that was mentioned? (my friend and I also diagnosed Divus with Daddy Issues due to his rebellious tendencies lmao)

Yes and no.

I'd say his relationship with his butler is somewhat equivalent to Batman and Alfred. Definitely a lot of love and something close to a father/son relationship, all the while keeping that professional distance between them. And Divus is highly independent so even before NRC he would just go days without seeing his butler because he was too busy doing stuff.

As for the teachers at school, there is definitely a thing about them being authority figures that are actually present in Divus's life and so he has no idea how to handle it properly without fighting back. His parents never tell him off. His butler never tells him off. So when his teachers disapprove of his actions, he doubles down hard. He acts like a child king because he's never ever had any opposition, and at the same time he's a neglected child who has no idea how to react when someone is proud of him.

And, you know, we talk a lot about daddy issues online, but me thinks Divus also has one hell of a mommy issue. Might even be worse than his daddy issues.

Anyway, daddy issues, mommy issues, that boy has it all.

At least he has his dogs... I guess.

[unicornpopcorn14]

inspired by @sensitiveheartless comic

Thinking abt Dazai being infatuated with Chuuya's resting face after corruption.

Thinking about how he progressively ventured with how much he provided caring touches each time Chuuya is out cold.

These are the only moments he sees Chuuya completely resting, without anger or stress drawn onto his features. These are the only times Soukoku can even have silent moments between them, free of exclaims and insults.

The first few instances Dazai would just sit beside him, observe from afar the way his chest heaves and the blood trickles from his skin. The way he's completely vulnerable without a care in the world, like Dazai's presence is somehow grounding for him, safe. And isn't that the dumbest thing he'd ever concluded?

Then the Dragon Head conflict happens, and Dazai can't help but carress his hair, give him a sense of comfort after Chuuya just told him to never stop him. He doesn't hate it as much as he thought it would.

But then, as they resort to corruption more and more, he'd take a risk and hold his hand, maneuvering him to be more comfortable. It would be a pain to have Chuuya develop essential tremors for how his hands shake at these times, wouldn't it? So he'll keep them steady, never letting the blood stain the bandages, else Chuuya would figure him out.

The next time he'd hold Chuuya completely in his arms, because surely the ground can't be that comfortable, and he'd hate for his dog to get sclerosis or something.

And rarely, when they are truly alone, when Dazai is sure they're in the clear, he'd even lean forward so he's resting on Chuuya's shoulder, almost falling asleep himself. His coat is black, so it'd never show the blood smearing him everywhere. And Chuuya isn't that smart to reckon what happens when he falls asleep. It's fine.

Chuuya would be hurled the moment he conveys the smallest signs of waking up, even if he isn't waking up at all, and Dazai would collect himself with an inhale, struggling to fully accept his indulgence in these quiet moments, and knowing he'd miss them for how gradually shorter they're becoming.

And, in fact, Chuuya had already made the connection, seeing how he wakes up with blood smearing Dazai's white shirt, despite getting nullified solely by the wrist, and being wildely far away from Dazai every time at the result of being thrown, despite feeling like he was cozily held not a second earlier.

Though for how hard Dazai is trying to keep this from him, he doesn't find it in himself to be obnoxious about it. And really, he isn't awake for it anyways, so there isn't a risk of him gagging from how sappy this all is. He'll be lenient this once and grant the bastard what he guesses is some sort of comfort for him.

Thus he never brings it up.

[green-alien-turdz]

Happy 2025 mfs

[lanternmice]

are they... you know🏳️‍🌈

[sealrock]

her one and only.

[catofaurora]

FRANTIC IS HERREWHOOOO

Oh and also the others ig

Gonna come back everyday and show my thanks ;_;

[fl00mie]

I remember you're genocides 🫵

( do you even remember who moqi is ... hai its me )

now answering to your question.. no sorry i can't remember someone called like that-

(read tags pls)

[oneluckydragon]

So for the past 15 yrs I’ve been obsessed with a certain drama king ghost and his chaotic love interests.

Pmd2 community is there an available spot for another fan? Cause BOY do I have feelings about the future trio and I need friends to vent with. Y'all pls say yes I’m begging

[hollowsart]

some of the worst hairstyles given to the various variants of Doc Ock & Mysterio from animated to live-action to the comics, in my opinion:

Overall there is at least some consistency with how they're drawn and what hairstyle they're drawn with, so it's not all bad, but there are some variations of the ole reliable bowlcut and bowlcut-adjacent hairstyles these two have that actually work, and a few hairstyles that aren't bowlcut at all that also work and don't actually look weird or off.

Insomniac Mysterio's hair works really well and very nicely with his overall design (..of course, this is thanks to the irl VA his model was based entirely on.). another is raimi doc ock, who, again, is cuz that's a real person. (we're not gonna discuss the back of his hair tho. shh--)

I forgot Ultimate animated Doc Ock. oh well.

[immult]

Do you think with Kord, Imogen would be going for a 'partners or allies' situation - like with Orym? (I was so relieved when he said that after the vision)

My initial take is that it would be weird for Imogen to seek raw power in this way after holding back from ruidus (plus what she said to the group that night on the roof, and everything that just happened with Delilah) So this feels more... personal?

I'm just curious of your vision!

i am so sorry this gets to you So Late! but to me the way imogen inherently interprets religion already resembles a partnership. whenever imogen invokes faith there is always a prioritisation of power and exchange.

the implication is clear. very fascinating to me that imogen thinks for a holy person to truly lose, he must not only lose his god but he must also lose the status and power granted to him by his faith.

to me this is imogen thinking: a god is just a god. what makes a Faith is what the gods give to its followers first and foremost. i think this view is not malicious at all, considering she genuinely believes this for herself.

because i think back on how when laudna died, imogen saw delilah as a god bc she seemed to be the only one who had sway and power to bring laudna back a second (third) time. was it really hyperbole if there was evidence of worship? how she always kept a second gnarlrock close to laudna's body? begging delilah to take that offering? pleading for guidance? but the moment delilah revealed she was powerless imogen denounced her.

in that same vein, imogen insisted that vecna was not a god because his power and influence was not immediately obvious to her. i think her disdain for the changebringer was because of this same reason.

a show of power impresses her, clearly, so it's all too fitting that she turns to pelor in the very same episode:

what had pelor done for imogen to think he's More Powerful? at that point in time, imogen already knew about deanna and hearthdell. proof upon proof. if he could bring light back from an extended death then he might be able to do something about laudna's. if he could spare an armed angel for a village what could he have spared for a moon?

but the ultimate proof came to imogen in the thalamus vision, witnessing a god whose chin brushed the skies and whose ankle breached the surface of the sea. she saw him smite one of the greatest civilisation in the age of arcanum effortlessly. kord's religion is already synonymous to strength anyway. well, strength, power.

right now she's off to fight something even the gods fear. exandria has called for war. of course imogen is going to pursue the stormlord's thread, the god of battle and warfare, despite the risks to herself. so when kord approached imogen and when imogen responded in kind, it is them recognising the other's sheer power and capability.

the storm is just a bonus thing.

[marsontherocks]

I'm not done with Dracula just yet(halfway through!!!) but this is it. This is my favorite line. It's so funny to me.

Jack is so tired of his bullshit

[spectator-zee]

RAS! HERE'S YOUR BUNDLE OF JOY!

Here's Starboy from @rascalentertainments Wish au called Wish Granted!

[butterrdream]

For Reborn, Tsuna and Hibari for canon characters? 🥺✨ I'm curious abt ur thoughts on them too hehe

send 🍯 for a food headcanon

send 💕 for a love headcanon

send 😵 for a sickness headcanon

send ⛈️ for a sadness headcanon

Hello Ein, slowly but surely I am answering these questions hehe 💕 Thank you for sending these in I had so much fun answering them!!! I hope they are to your satisfaction!!

Edit: aahh!!! I'm so sorry I suddenly realized I forgot to do the sadness headcanons for them all!!! I gomen 😭

🔫Reborn

🍯 for a food headcanon

So… This isn’t even a headcanon but is canon as I’ve come to happily learn as I am a crazy and delusional Reborn fan my apologies ♡ but Reborn is a big foodie. Loves to eat and is actually not very picky about his food. One of his favourite things about travelling is trying all the different cuisines! Not to mention he’s definitely someone who has had the opportunity to try some of the best and even fanciest foods in the world. All that being said his favourite meals will always be a home cooked meal made with love. I won’t go into it too much here because it isn’t the right place (this is about food not family!) but I have always headcanoned Reborn as an orphan so to him being able to have a home cooked meal is a privilege he will always acknowledge in his heart and never not appreciate. 

💕 for a love headcanon

Two words I would use to describe Reborn are loyal and devoted. When it comes to the ones he loves (Both romantic and platonic/familial) Reborn believes in absolute loyalty. You may not expect this coming from a murder-for-hire hitman but once you become a loved one in his eyes you’ve gained his loyalty and devotion (So don’t make him regret it or else… Well you’ll soon be the one regretting it 🔫/j) . And he naturally expects the same from those he let’s into his heart! In fact, loyalty is a quality he can greatly appreciate in someone else (as long as it’s not blind and reckless devotion). So yes, while Reborn’s loyalties can be bought if you’re hiring him for his skills, his heart is something that can not be! 

This got quite long so the rest are gonna be put under the cut!

😵 for a sickness headcanon

Reborn himself has a good immune system! And he doesn’t allow himself to get sick often but when he does catch the occasional cold, flu, or fever, he does ignore it for as long as he can. Maybe allows himself a moment of bed rest before he’s back to the usual grind. He just doesn’t have time to be sick and naturally hates the weakened state it puts him in. 

But… after he meets Apple, and the very first time he gets sick around her she’s immediately on his case forcing him into bed and not in the way he would prefer lol and she’s fluttering and tittering around him like a worried mother hen. And for once he's being taken care of and isn’t being allowed to ignore his health. He’s understanding for the first time what it’s like to be doted on and cared for and he finds he quite enjoys it. And maybe… Just maybe, he’ll even stay in bed an extra day or two and allow his body to get some rest… 

🐟 Sawada Tsunayoshi

🍯 for a food headcanon

It takes a while for Tsuna to get used to Italian food. When he first moved away from home and relocated to Italy permanently the novelty wore off pretty fast and he found himself missing and craving Japanese food every day. The restaurants just didn’t quite make it the same way, and he especially missed his mother’s home cooking. He did teach himself to cook as he grew older, and so even when he tried to replicate her recipes it just never quite hit the same. Then when he went to go visit his mother and old friends in Namimori that first bite of the hambagu his mom made for him was just so divine… And yet… He couldn’t quite help but miss the taste of Italy as the days passed.  

💕 for a love headcanon

At first Tsuna would be rather reserved and shy about his affections. It’s not like he wants to be, heck if he could I’m sure he would love nothing more than to flaunt and show off his partner/significant-other. But he definitely has too much self-awareness and shame to do it so brazenly it’s okay Tsuna as someone with social anxiety I so get you. But this is something that changes with time and comfortability. While at first, he may even be reluctant to take their hand in public (or he'd get overly blushy and in his head about it sorta like in canon when he gets lost in his own daydreams and starts to get distracted and drool lol), but with time and growth eventually acts of affection come more naturally. He has no problem grabbing his partner's hand, putting his hand on their waist. There’s no unsureness or reluctance as he proudly introduces his partner to others, the pride in his voice even more obvious actually. One thing though that never changes is the look of love and adoration he has in his eyes when he looks at them. Still as love-sick and head over heels as the day he first fell in love. 

😵 for a sickness headcanon

Growing up whenever Tsuna was sick it was always his mom taking care of him. He never had to really think or worry much. Just rest and get better. So, the first time when he was older, and he was away from home and sick. He couldn’t do anything but lie there feeling awful and miserable in bed. Too tired and worn to even get up and get himself some water to soothe his aching throat. In that moment he missed his home in Namimori more than ever. Missed his mom, the kids and he never realized how lucky he was before to have a noisy but warm home. Eventually, he falls into a fitful rest.

When he awakens there’s a cold damp cloth over his forehead. To his side is Reborn reading some of the unfinished files he left out. No doubt judging his messy work. He hears the sound of something breaking in his kitchen before the door of his bedroom door is bursting open with flustered (and slightly angry) Gokudera holding a bowl of congee comes in. His face immediately lighting up when he sees Tsuna awake. Then, just as quickly Yamamoto is entering his room too, an apron tied around his waist. They both take a moment to ask how he is and fuss around him in their own ways. Reborn would tell them they’re both being too noisy but, in a way, only Tsuna can tell is filled with fondness. And… Tsuna knows his kitchen (and probably his living room too) are gonna be such a mess. He definitely heard something break earlier. But right now, it doesn’t matter. Instead, he just lays back down. Tired but content. 

🐥Hibari Kyoya

🍯 for a food headcanon

Hibari to me doesn’t feel like a very picky eater. Yes, he has his preferences, which lean on the more traditional side, however he’s pretty open to eating most things! And not to mention he can eat quite a bit in one sitting too thinking back to that one ova where he steals all the food lol. That being said I do think Hibari is the type to not like take out and instead prefers home cooked traditional meals instead! Now, do we think Hibari can cook? Honestly? I don’t think so. He could maybe if he really tried but why would he? He’s always had food prepared for him and if for whatever reason there wasn’t food already cooked for him, he has no problem just taking someone else’s meal. Anything within his presence is his now good luck trying to get it back❤️

💕 for a love headcanon

Hibari is absolutely an action over words person. I think a lot of people will initially think he’s not a very affectionate person, but he is! He just shows it very differently from others. In fact, I feel like Hibari often gets mischaracterized as not being very emotive but he really is! He shows his emotions with his whole body. And I think this is especially obvious when he’s with someone he’s with someone he likes/loves. He’s not gonna say outright he loves them but he’s gonna find subtle (and not so subtle) ways to be around that person. Crowding around is fine as long as it’s with the right person <3 /hj… Will he still probably fight that person though and be the absolute menace that he is? Yes absolutely.

Also, his love language is acts of service so he’s your guy if you need help hiding a body.

😵 for a sickness headcanon

He doesn’t get sick often actually! Takes pretty good care of his body but my god he is fussy as hell when he is sick. By this I mean he’s demanding. Needs to be waited on hand and foot, make sure he’s got any liquids or foods on call or already ready just when he wants it. His bed needs to be set up made just the way he likes it and better not let anyone disturb his rest or else he’s gonna make it everyone else’s problem. In general, he’d just be the worst patient to have. Perhaps that’s why he prefers to just go to the hospital when he’s feeling under the weather as that means he already has many people at his beck and call and having the hospital director bribed certainly helps with that too. Original Prompt List ☆

[theflyingfeeling]

two sweaty, horny dudes ✅

sauna ✅

no plot ✅

enjoy 💦

(or: Olli/Allu get it on at the band's sauna evening for no reason whatsover other than simply wanting each other so goddamn much)

~*~

Don't bother, Joonas, let's leave the IT club to nerd about whatever in peace.

Niko's teasing words had barely stopped echoing in the sauna when Olli's lips were already on Aleksi's shoulder, his tongue peeking out to lick a droplet of sweat above his collarbone. The boldness made Aleksi inhale sharply before nudging Olli away, although there was nothing in the world he wanted more than Olli's mouth on his skin.

"Don't," he whispered. "Not here..." Olli looked up at him from under hooded eyelids and the long lashes that framed his darkened eyes, and suddenly Aleksi could no longer remember why he was denying Olli anything at all. That was why he made no effort to stop Olli when he leaned further in to take a mouthful of Aleksi's skin just below his earlobe in his mouth; in fact, Aleksi tilted his head to give Olli more room to do so and hoped the tinted glass door of the sauna would veil their...carnal activities.

By the time they heard the showers being turned off and the door to the changing room closing, Aleksi was already half-hard from Olli's hot, wet kisses and his fingers digging into Aleksi's inner thigh. By the time the last noises of laughter and friendly banter died out in the next room, Olli was already lying down on the top bench of the sauna, back arching and low moans filling the small room as Aleksi mouthed his stomach with hungry, sloppy kisses landing all around his navel and along the happy trail to savour the salty taste as much as to worship the sweet softness of his belly. By the time Aleksi finally touched the tip of Olli's pulsing cock with his tongue, Olli was but a squirming mess under his touch, all but begging Aleksi to take him in his mouth.

The long, lingering licks Aleksi left on Olli's cock drove Olli crazy – Aleksi knew this from the way Olli's groans adopted a more needy undertone – but he had no intention to fulfil Olli's wordless pleas before he'd have the man tremble for it.

"Ale, I need to cum so bad," Olli panted, grinding his erection against Aleksi's lips that were now leaving light kisses along Olli's hardness. A lone drop of precum appeared at the tip, which Aleksi is quick to kiss away.

"Ale, please," Olli was practically whining now, "please let me cum in your mouth.

"Are you close?" Aleksi asked, although he knew the answer when he took Olli in his hand and felt it twitch in his fingers, and when he saw how Olli's abdomen contracted from the touch, and when he heard the litany of swear words leaving Olli's mouth.

"So fucking close I'm gonna cum on your face if you're not gonna take me in your mouth soon."

There was no doubt Aleksi wouldn't have loved that either, and he almost told Olli so; nevertheless, he guided Olli's cock in between his waiting lips. Hollowing his cheeks, he began sucking in rhythm with Olli's groans, making sure to let his lips graze against the sensitive tip before swallowing down again until his septum ring was nearly touching Olli's pubes. He felt Olli throbbing against his tongue, twitching in between his lips, thrusting towards the ceiling under his hands that rested on Olli's hip bones, and with every lust-filled movement Aleksi felt as if there were two, fatally horny wolves inside him: one that was determined to keep Aleksi bobbing his head up and down to help Olli reach his peak sooner rather than later, and one that was curious to see how long Aleksi could keep Olli on the edge before they'd both lose their minds.

Eventually his motive to please Olli outplayed any other, more selfish desire he might have had and he tightened his lips around Olli's cock. Olli buckled his lips uncontrollably when Aleksi added a hand to the base of his hard-on to massage it, to feel Olli's arousal under his fingertips, to revel in every twitch and throb that inspired Aleksi's own aching cock that stood neglected between his thighs. He was desperate to touch himself – he was only human, after all – but as it turned out, his hands had far more important tasks to tend to: while the other was busy gripping Olli's cock, the other had sneaked up to Olli's chest to bury his fingers in the bush of chest hair which Aleksi so loved; which Olli so loved to leave peeking from the collar of his shirt just to drive Aleksi crazy; which Aleksi couldn't wait to cover in his white semen again, like he had done just the other night on the couch of his studio.

Nearly lost in the memory of frotting himself on Olli's chest, Aleksi was almost caught off guard by Olli starting to shoot his load in his mouth. At the height of his orgasm, Olli's slurred words are a mix of fuck and Ale and don't stop, and Aleksi keeps on working his tongue and lips until every last drop of cum has been swallowed, until the only noises left in the sauna are Olli's heavy breathing and the quiet cracking of the fire.

Seeing Olli's naked body in front of him, all spent and relaxed and beautiful, Aleksi could no longer ignore his own bodily needs. He sat back against the wooden panelling behind him and finally took himself in his hand, but he only had time to give himself a few, much-awaited strokes before Olli's fingers were replacing his own and a pair of lips were crashed against his. As if desperate to taste himself off Aleksi's tongue, Olli kissed him hungrily while pumping Aleksi's erection with vigorous, experienced flicks of his wrists, which had no business making Aleksi as close to his climax as it did. Yet, he found his lips mirroring the hasty movements of Olli's, grinding his erection into Olli's fist the best he could from his tight position in between Olli and the wall, and even letting Olli help Aleksi's knee up against his own chest, pushing him further against the wall as Olli's other hand teased around his hole.

Without warning, Olli slid one of his fingers in, and with even less warning, Aleksi came hard with his bottom lip tightly in between Olli's teeth so that his cry of pleasure was muffled somewhere inside Olli's hot mouth. When Aleksi at last regained the little that was left of his senses, the fire in the sauna stove had already died out; the fire in Olli's eyes, however, drilled into his from up close as he milked the last of Aleksi's cum, only seemed to flare up.

~*~

They made out under the shower, somehow leisurely and with great urgency at the same time. Olli was wet and smooth and hot under Aleksi's palms, his every curve and bone and muscle adding fuel to the already blazing flame that was scorching Aleksi's chest and groin, even without Olli's hand stroking his cock anew.

When Aleksi came again, spilling his load on Olli's fingers and stomach, his knees trembled under him from the strength of his second orgasm that evening, nearly making him fall at Olli's feet.

He wanted to ask Olli if he would catch him if he did; if he'd crumble under the weight of it all, would Olli be there to pick him up again?

Somehow the words never left his mouth.

(Perhaps Aleksi was afraid to hear the answer.)

Instead, he got on his knees again.

[palmtreepalmtree]

Alright my friends - the twinkly lights are up, the house smells like pine, you've got every manner of red-green-and-gold wrapping paper shoved in a corner - without a doubt it's that time of year: Christmas. As you know, I've been disappointed to see so few entries into the Christmas rom-com genre this year from Netflix, so I've started to explore further afield to find something ripe for your enjoyment.

And now, I'm pleased to present...

The Worst Movies on HBO/MAX/Discovery+/HGTV??? (idefk), Right Now!

As it turns out sometime last year Discovery+ teamed up with MarVista to produce some Christmas romance content with random tie-ins to their FoodNetwork/HGTV network stars. This has created some really... oh, let's just call it interesting content.

I mean... you gotta know from the outset that there's no way these will be good. NO fucking WAY.

FIRST, as a whole, I don't think these movies know what their purpose is. Are they supposed to promote the reality shows of their cameo stars? Are they supposed to give their reality stars an opportunity to flex some acting muscle!? Are they supposed to be *GASP* good stories? NOBODY KNOWS!

SECOND, it's possible that the point of these movies is just to promote the reality show format as like... a concept. But the thing is -- NOT TO FORESHADOW OR ANYTHING -- that comes with some very weird baggage. LIKE SUPER WEIRD.

Let's break these down in round-up style.

The first movie that apparently created the mold* was Candy Coated Christmas (2021) - *pun intended. This vehicle cameos Ree Drummond, The Pioneer Woman, who gets about two minutes of screen time which apparently warrants her this kind of promotional one-sheet placement:

...like okay.

A shocking number of these stories involve people who are in financial peril. In this one, a hotel heiress finds herself on the brink of bankruptcy, and, on daddy's orders, she heads to a small town to evict the peppermint farmer tenants at her family's property who are, you guessed it, on the brink of bankruptcy.

In this movie, the spirit of Christmas (or spearmint gum in this case), is a plan to rescue these two financial catastrophes, oh, and they fall in love. Sure. Why not.

This movie is an empty candy-coated shell of a romance that I can best describe as serviceable. But apparently it was enough of a hit that the rest of the movies followed. So we can blame this candy cane for the Christmas rogering that followed in 2022.

Continuing from worst to most egregious...

A Gingerbread Christmas (2022) - This one cameos that Ace of Cakes dude (no idea his name and not interested in looking it up) who is judging a gingerbread competition that the main character desperately needs to win to save her dead mom's foundering bakery - YES another fucking business in peril.

Her love interest is the general contractor/baker/single dad who has taken up daily residence in the bakery where he is apparently simultaneously working on fixing the place up and also doing all of the baking........?

Yeah, it makes little sense, and yet somehow this is not the worst of the four entries this year.

Both of these actors are people you'll recognize and will have you thinking heyyyyy where is she/he from? (Let me help you out: The Good Place/Reacher). They're fine.

This is fine.

It's just... not going to leave you feeling much of anything. And that's the exact opposite of what these movies are supposed to do. You're not killing me, you're just boring me. There's nothing spicy in this gingerbread, baby! ZING! Nailed 'em.

There's a kind of nice subplot about a new immigrant entering the contest as well, but maybe I have a soft spot in my heart for that. This definitely does not seem like it's going for the same audience as some of the Hallmark movies, but it's also only gesturing at substantive things rather than really delivering anything of substance. Hey guys, did you know that immigrant Muslims can celebrate Christmas too!?

MOVING ON.....

One Delicious Christmas (2022) - Alright... where do I even start here??? Continuing on our theme of struggling businesses, this one slightly breaks the pattern by telling us a story of the owner of a boutique inn who needs to find a new chef for her family business so that she can bring on a financial partner to help ease the strain of her sole ownership.

The cameo in this one is Bobby Flay who comes in as a restaurant critic to comment on the food. Sigh. I know. Look I'm just reporting here, don't harm the messenger.

Alright there are three things here that just drove me completely batty: First, and I hate calling this shit out, but I gotta say the lead actress here has some partial vocal fry thing going on with her voice that is just impossible to watch for an hour and a half. I just wanted to shake her and be like BREATHE THROUGH YOUR CHEST. Fucking hell. It's a trial being me sometimes.

Second, obviously the theme here is cooking, but the whole story is based around the fact that the chef is doing new and risky recipes that the inn owner is nervous her people won't like... but like... the recipes are super basic? Like scalloped potatoes instead of mashed? Lobster bisque!? None of the new menu items read as dangerous or cutting edge -- especially if you watch the Food Network -- SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT1?!? Argh, okay.

Last, and this is just a weird thing that probably only I noticed, but like all these movies seemed to go out of their way to do mixed racial castings, which is a good thing, but then they also seem to have not made any adjustments for that in terms of story.

In this one, the love interest/chef is played by a Canadian actor of Filipino ancestry -- but his character name is Preston Weaver. Preston. PRESTON. PRESTON. There are also repeated references in the story to cooking for and with his grandmother, but no mention, not even one, that maybe her cooking wasn't American-style food? I mean, it is perfectly possible for a person to have their family immigrant story have happened so long ago, that even their grandparent doesn't make traditional foods from their country of ethnic origin, but it also seems WEIRD. Like some sort of weird white washing??? idk. Jury is still out on this I guess. I just don't think it would have killed them to reference one Filipino recipe or technique, especially since that's a pretty rich food culture. You know, as compared with making a main plot point that the fucking LOBSTER BISQUE keeps selling out.

(Is there a whiter word than bisque? I don't fucking think so).

I HAVE GONE ON TOO LONG. THE NEXT ONE.

Designing Christmas (2022) - Alright, I'm running out of steam and so I'm gonna make this one quick. This one cameos that dark haired lady from Love it or List it not sure her name not looking it up (Hilary???). This one is about a couple who work as a designer/contractor pair on a reality show and in order to save their failing show they decide their last show of the season will be a restoration of her family's old home that she just purchased and SURPRISE TO NO ONE WHO WATCHES THESE SHOWS there's a crack in the foundation blahblahblah WHO CARES!?

NO ONE.

This one really suffers from the fact that the male lead is just boring.

Honestly, that's a theme throughout these movies. The male leads are super weak and boring. Tepid. Just absolutely forgettable characters played by actors who are deciding whether the fuck to fire their agents.

What's weird about this one is the way that the production really styles it after a reality show -- even including those restoration classic before and after reveals. But that is nothing on the last one......

A Christmas Open House (2022) -- Alright the cameos in this one are that Hometown Whatever couple who have been "restoring" houses in their hometown in someplace in the south and by restoring, I mean flipping but under the guise of home restoration.

ANYHOW - the plot is that this big city house stager teams up with a realtor to sell her family home to make sure her mom gets the best purchase price on the sale. It's just like those old Christmas classics that really capture the Christmas spirit - A Christmas Carol, Miracle on 34th Street, It's a Wonderful Life. You know. Really in that anti-capitalist vein.

Deeeeeeeep sigh.

So... I don't even know how to say this. But this movie involves a Christmas miracle.

See, it turns out the house stager accidentally gave the furniture company the wrong credit card number, so the day before the showing ON CHRISTMAS the furniture people came and took back all of the perfectly staged furniture and GASP knocked down the (fake) Christmas tree! WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO1?!? HOW ARE THEY EVER GONNA SELL THE HOUSE ON CHRISTMAS NOW!?$!

BUT IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

The whole town shows up to bring them furniture that they can use to stage the house before the potential buyers arrive. Like... they show up with their odds and ends so that the house can be staged. SO THAT THE HOUSE CAN BE STAGED FOR SALE. Are... are you guys with me here? The miracle that the whole town rallied behind was bringing FURNITURE to STAGE A HOUSE. FOR SALE.

I just... I am walking away.

We are so fucking far from Dickens here we might as well be in a new fucking holiday.

And we are.

Because that's the whole point of all of these movies.

It's not Christmas.

It's American Christmas.

For all the shit that the nostalgic, small-town worshipping Christmas movies get this time of year, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say these movies are more insidious. Instead of blatantly trying to valorize the small town spirit, the support of family and friends, and getting back to your roots, these movies are like the Scooby Doo villain of Christmas movies. Rip off the mask at the end for the big reveal:

IT WAS CAPITALISM ALL ALONG!?!?

Anyhow, I don't know who was supposed to read these scripts before they became movies, but everyone involved will probably be laughing all the way to the bank.

Don't watch these. They're not funny enough to be worth the soul-gutting feeling of realizing what these movies are for.

Nothing.

Empty.

Spiritless.

Candy-coated capitalism.