#sorry im such a shitty blogger

[joelletwo]

wrestling with the 4devas bitchslap again to convince myself its fine if graveyard wins the best ep tourney: it's not the other bloggers who are wrong, it's me

not a complete response to but definitely in conversation with and asking some of the same questions again as @reductionisms's 4devas essay, which tries to square gintoki's "life doesn't need to be fun, i just need you to live" being a series-sanctioned message he's given to villains as an arc-concluding moral continuously up until 4devas with it here being an incorrect worldview that needs to be (physically) corrected by shinpachi, the straightman tonal signpost of gintama

a conflict i have been perplexed by ever since i got to this line on my first watch a year or two ago, since i've seen this line before! all over fandom! as part of the general "dont [bottom text] kill yourself" motivational messaging of gintama that i love!

and, briefly, when i hit 4devas i was also in the middle of being really frustrated by the new arc pattern i was seeing crop up: i loved the villains-turned sympathetic-turned someone worth saving by gintoki tune of the first half of gintama, but it fell massively flat for me in Yoshiwara in Flames, where i was never convinced to be on housen's side but had to watch him get a heartwarming redemptive death at the side of the woman he abused anyways.

then shortly after i had the same exact experience in Red Spider with jiraia, and i thought, if this is what gintama is gonna do with its shitty dudes from now on im gonna quit the fucking show. and then shortly after that i met jirochou and saw him cut down otose the woman he loved (under a raining sky!!! the fucking sky motifs!!! the signpost im about to watch a dude be shittily violent to women and be expected to feel sorry for him about it) and saw too much red to really take in the rest of the arc level-headedly or care about anything in it lol.

so it was written off in my mind as the 'otose almost gets fridged' arc until i rewatched it this week. then i had to remember, oh yeah, there's a ton of political maneuvering fakeouts in this arc that i never actually squared back with how the plot presented itself prior to the reveals, so i'd still been thinking about the "fakeout" plot. then i read the manga version with all the "truths" in mind from the start, and finally i felt like i could understand what this arc is doing a little better.

(way) tldr (4.4k words. sorry): do i love this arc? eh. do i still hate it? eh. but it's doing stuff!

first, i was able to see an echo in all the "actually i was planning to betray you the whole time" "actually i was working to help you the whole time" plot beats of what sorachi does with the larger edo/universe story further into the back half of the manga. if i ever sound like i didnt enjoy or wasnt convinced by the execution of these "reveals," it's because i didnt and wasnt, lol. but it's fun that he had fun with them i guess.

the arc starts with pirako ingratiating herself into yorozuya, then having a classic "bump into you and pretend to be injured to extort you" encounter w her dad's gang. to resolve this without escalating into violence, gintoki... does it back to them, which is really funny. but thus the tone is set for the arc of: DISHONEST APPROACHES TO CONFLICT.

pirako isnt honest about her overall intentions the, like, seven different times that she "admits her real ones." kada plays at peacekeeper in the devas while being the ultimate person scheming to get the upper hand over everyone else in the end. (she's also secretly harusame, evil amanto outsider who acts as a unifying force for the kabukicho fighting itself to band together against and expel: sorachi's favorite move! the problem was never internal, it's the shadowy REAL antagonists who infiltrated us)

jirochou and otose are ultimately doing a pantomime of conflict to try to keep temperatures down and escalations from breaking out, so no one they care about has to get hurt. gintoki doesn't know this until the end, but he follows in their footsteps after his encounter with them in the graveyard: he plays at having given up to the rest of yorozuya so they'll leave and escape the coming kabukicho war, the same thing otose was trying with him. it fails both times. i'm really not sure why gintoki and otose thought it would work, honestly. they should know their kids are stubborn as hell.

but gintoki is in a bind because of the things he needs to protect, and all of his actions are primarily in service of that, to the detriment of how he'd prefer to act if he were less restricted. he is unsurprised and unoffended to hear saigou is only willing to warn them, not help them, because her son is in danger if she acts directly. all four devas are, seemingly, being mutually restrained this way, holding back even when blatantly manipulated to do so. the other constant of this arc: everyone is dishonest, and no one wants to risk losing what they have.

gintoki understands that! of course! he's had to make that calculus before, after all :)

and this arc is just one big cliff scene echo: the entire graveyard scene pushing gintoki to emotional regression because he thinks he's losing another parent figure, one he's just seen the Gintoki Figure of the arc cut down, no less (takasugi stolen valor when he goes berserk against him and only ends up uselessly bleeding out on the ground about it, honestly). otose goes into this willingly so gintoki can live. he accepts this decision because he values protecting her values (her kids living on) and is briefly broken by it (the story says, before giving him shinpachi to "put him back on track"). prior to the bitchslap, after saying he just wants them to live, even if it has to be without him, he says:

i dont have a good understanding of when we start getting reveals of gintoki's backstory versus foreshadowing because i went into gintama already knowing most of it, but definitely by the recent red spider where we get our first real look at (or really, first listen to) shouyou. but here we actually get some of what gintoki felt about it, which he keeps closely guarded even when the whole truth comes out: he's done his best to survive having lost, but it was so unbearable he can't face losing again.

(also, honorable mention backstory echo, the person calling him a brother sets his home on fire to drive him and his parent figure out of town. as i liveblogged: this one would really hurt gintoki if gintoki cared about anything oboro ever did!)

but with the shinpachi story-rerouting, they get the good end, keep everyone (otose, yorozuya, all of kabukicho, even pirako and her dad - everyone but kada) safe without having to sacrifice a single thing, even keep gintoki hopeful for this outcome. so, as goose points out, we are left to understand that there could have been a good end on the cliff, that something is different here than there, and, skipping a lot of math, that that is the people around gintoki.

which i do find really funny to imagine as a slam on takasugi and katsura. sorry you kids suck too much, your teacher dies bc u were cringefail. but lets look at it.

everyone is dishonest, no one wants to risk what they have: gintoki rallies himself to keep fighting but is determined to do it alone. kagura and shinpachi fight him on this; they can't leave because they don't want to lose their home, they can't let him fight alone because they don't want to lose him. they're just as restricted by what they have to keep safe, but their only option is to act where everyone else's is inaction. shinpachi says:

if i may skip over the bitchslap itself for now, gintoki does consent to let his allies fight with him after it. yorozuya stands alone against saigou, who's heavily demoralized but resigned, strongarmed into fighting them by the threat to her son. but on seeing their resolve to keep protecting their own precious home and family she says:

and, to skip straight to my thought, i think this is what turns the tides back in their favor. there are more twists and turns to the fight. pirako equates what binds saigou, which she herself equates to what binds the yorozuya, to what binds her:

(with an intentional distinction that she's willing to actively destroy the others', as opposed to their purely self defensive fighting, which is echoed at some point in her distinguishing gintoki from jirochou in the same way, that jirochou not only lives to protect like gintoki but is willing to destroy in the process. i don't find that part as interesting, but it's more fuel to the power of having something to protect as a driving force as an arc theme.)

so now all three stand on the same ground, absolutely unwilling to give up what they hold dear, but all their cards are on the table. they aren't dealing in 12 dimensions of tricksy defensive pre-emptive moves anymore. they know it wouldnt work, anyways, since they all know their drives to protect are the same and no one will be talked into backing down. now they can directly duke it out and let the winner be determined that way, on strength of will. even before the actual circumstances change, the fight somehow feels freer seeing how inevitable it is. and with everything out in the open, yorozuya can now protect each other and saigou's son, taking out one side of the conflict.

(and with everything out in the open, the ultimate 4devas villain can become the single person who continues to betray the others, kada, whose further machinations - with everything out in the open! - saigou (and later yorozuya) can choose to protect pirako from. everyone wins! because everything was out in the open! do you see where i'm going)

and so we come back to the question: gintoki is corrected, the arc is rerailed to the better outcome. so is the correction justified?

what does the correction accomplish outside of its moment? most convincingly to me of goose's presented options, i also think it's done as a thematic shift, a, okay, just live was a strategy that worked before but now doesn't suffice, so we need something more.

as to why this is needed now and not earlier or later...tldr bad planning <3 but like.

we have, prior to this, a consistent thrust of arcs where gintoki teaches people to lose. as well, while we meet the harusame and we visit space and we get the barest glimpses of takasugi's weird shadowy background moves there, largely we're dealing with kabukicho characters and kabukicho stories. we see or only hear about the shogun for short comedic moments only. we've largely dropped the series intro focus on things like the shinsengumi or hasegawa acting as foreign diplomats. it's a local series, a hometown series, a kabukicho and not even an edo at large series, a personal story about gintoki making personal connections with his personal experience as a flawed person with a flawed approach to life that has let him, chronic slacker, get by on the bare minimum.

at this moment, chapter 300, we have a slow trickle of gintoki backstory starting to come out to us. we've recently expanded the story focus to include yoshiwara, which gets a callout in this arc by kada to keep it relevant. we have an arc of sorachi testing out plot beats that he'll use again for the endgame, in all the political maneuvering and alliancing and betraying and shadowy outsider space governmenting, where he's also doing a lot of echoing of that backstory that only becomes clear later. so it's possible he's thinking about shifting gears and setting up for the eventual endgame, which means getting out of the episodic cycle so things can stick.

and after this arc, to my opinion and memory, we stop getting the classic gintama flavor sympathizable'd antagonists. a lot of the bigger arcs don't even have clear Big Shot antagonists anymore, being more about the shouyoucore theme of characters fighting against themselves, or if there is one they're always explicitly part of the Shadow Government now, a unified and more daunting force than someone they can win over with an inspiring gintoki interaction.

so 4devas does act as a turning point at least in some way. and it's not possible to say this definitively, since all gintama arcs are ultimately never going to be about gintoki or his friends Actually losing something instead of beating the odds, but it does feel like theres a different flavor to, say, dekobokko with its direct look at how chars lives could be different and better and they will still choose to keep struggling as themselves. and Kintama arc definitely doesn't feel like an early days arc, like it can only resolve the way it does with a gintoki who is now able to face his past and the possibility of losing again and again and again (now with, natch, his faith that yorozuya will by his side when he does).

why now, after 300 chapters of letting it sit ignored in the back of his brain working out perfectly fine except when it doesn't (the very reminder of shouyou in a fight making him go Demon Mode, which is like regular gintoki but worse at fighting, bc he is so unprepared to think about shouyou)? well i personally am in big favor of the "take a decade off" strategy for facing problems. it worked for me too. realistically watsonianly its nice to let things percolate in the brain and do some of the processing behind the scenes until its less immediately painful. and he's made many bonds over these 300 chapters, shown in this arc when the whole town rallies behind him, that are there to support him when he needs it now and weren't there before.

realistically doylistly eh. bad planning.

and so we come back to the question: gintoki is corrected, the series as a result is rerailed to a writing space where things can start changing (leave the episodic, as you guys say, sazae-san format). it's useful in the future. so is the correction justified in terms of what comes before it? was the correction needed?

thinking about the bitchslap leads to thinking about the cliff scene leads to (sorry kagura and katsura, you guys arent really relevant here) pitting shinpachi and takasugi against each other in how they act with something on the line they can't bear to give up.

i don’t need the lesson of 4devas to apply logistically to the cliff scene. once they were set up on that chessboard, frozen in their assigned places as a backstory, it’s not like takasugi could’ve power of friendship’d his way out of being physically retrained if he decided he wanted to. it’s set up as a forced choice, it has to play out as a forced choice.

but we see that even before it’s asked of him, takasugi is willing, prepared, unbothered to give up his own life for shouyou’s. this is, goose lays out in the sequel, the cardinal sin in gintama - a teacher shouldn’t outlive their student. it would have been especially egregious to shouyou, whose whole desired life’s purpose is to raise students who can outlive him and outgrow him, take his lessons and go out into the world and do their own thing with them. takasugi doesn’t expect to do this and doesn’t seem to see a point in the possibility if shouyou isn’t back with them.

though we can also think of shouyou as a little too quickly willing to give up on the cliff - sorry, gintoki, the suicidal guy has thought about it for .02 seconds and decided the best outcome is for you to kill him even though he could get out of this no problem. maybe its no wonder gintoki gave up too. can we ask katsura what he would’ve done?

and is takasugi different from shinpachi there? he rejects the mentor’s attempt to exchange his own life for his. he’s not willing to consider a life without him.

but shinpachi is convinced no one is going to die. because they’ll be there together. incredibly naive - shinpachi and kagura, restricted to one option by what they need to protect like everyone is in 4devas, have acting as that one option because they are still free in a way gintoki and the other adults aren't. they’ve never actually experienced the impossible choice that forces you to give up, so they can act as if there isn’t one - what else would they do? why would they think to give up?

but gintoki is defined by having lived the impossible choice. its built into the foundation of him as a character and leaks out everywhere. he couldn’t have relied on his friends on the cliff because they were quite forcibly removed from the picture as an option, not by his or their choice. its written as an inevitability, logistics we find out later be damned.

if we refocus to 4devas, we can look at the Gintoki Figure for a different angle. jirochou, after he and gintoki resolve the arc conflict by being able to team up because they - say it with me - put everything out in the open, tells gintoki about his impetus for abandoning his family and coming back to his wayward life in kabukicho, the death of otose's husband.

it's, um, another now really obvious parallel to gintoki, lol. characters talk about how jirochou does everything he does in this arc to try to atone for his failure to both otose and tatsugorou, and i guess thats true bc he was written that way but he has an odd way of showing it, but anyways he resolves that, despite his guilt over this, all he can do now is keep living and keep protecting what they loved together. he's come to the usual gintama message all on his own, reinforcing that this is the correct way to live in this series. he had his own unavoidably shitty situation, and he came to terms with it.

so then where did jirochou go wrong, in the narrative's eyes (other than abandoning one woman and their child to deal drugs in the town of his other woman while ignoring her)? was there a point he could've changed how their trio's story played out? but he loved and trusted tatsugorou, and he was happy to step aside and let him be the one by their otose's side. i doubt he would have been happy stealing her away even if it were possible.

but if we look at the resolution tool of 4devas... he never put everything out in the open!!! everyone knows he loved otose, but in more of an open secret way. in classic romance plot, he never confessed for second male lead rejection closure. indeed, in the closest we ever get to a main character having a romantic plot in gintama, the very ending of the arc flirts with him doing just that now that he's made a little progress with the arc message, with the entire cast of the arc expecting him to (and interrupting before he can).

but if he had when they were young. if he had been honest with his friends. could it have opened up other options that weren't available on his own, that they didnt know to offer? i have a preferred one lol. but u can get creative with all sorts of life paths that avoid tatsugorou dying that way or, at the least, jirochou feeling chained to a shameful life (living in a town he doesn't go out in to protect a woman he doesnt talk to and feeling like he doesnt deserve the family he abandoned for this) because of it.

and then if we take this and rewind back to the cliff... we get to grind my favorite ax, "shouyou shouldve told literally anyone literally anything about his deal." if gintoki knew more about shouyou, they could've faced his horrors together, the whole time. he couldve known that shouyou was being literal calling himself a demon and not internalized his own identity as one for life just because shouyou bonded with him over it. i truly genuinely think the logical conclusion of all of gintama's big messages are that shouyou and gintoki should have been more open with each other.

but i don't think sorachi thinks that. and, you know, by 4devas rules, the unriskable precious things he was protecting by staying silent were his students' humanity, and secondarily his own fragilely newly hopeful heart that literally couldnt stand another 10 millionth round of rejection (killed himself and then went on a 12 year rampage over it. girl i would too).

and takasugi really isn't dishonest about what's going on in his head when he tells us he expects to die for shouyou. that's as cards on the table as i could ask. gintoki is, a little bit, by omission. he does what i'd want him to here - tells takasugi try just not dying - but doesn't give him a reason to, and doesn't tell him he has no plans of letting anyone die for shouyou.

so what goes wrong on the cliff - shouyou is happy, gintoki is happy, oboro's even kind of happy, katsura is irrelevant - is that takasugi is blindsided (whoops) by their silent agreement that betrays the one he thought he and gintoki had. and then ruins everyone's party about it and spends the next ten years doing so for good measure.

which is also, basically, what shinpachi is going through that prompts the bitchslap, too. he thought they were a team, that they had each others backs, not that gintoki is a one-way protector of them. he is blindsided by gintoki lying to and tricking them and hiding things from them. he is hurt by gintoki feeling hopeless all by himself when he could share that with them and be encouraged by their endless child optimism.

and would it need to have changed anything on the cliff? in the moment after the bitchslap, what contributes to gintoki changing his mindset is tama telling him, we trust that you're capable bc youve always shown us that, can you trust us this time? when, later in the arc, gintoki seems to regress by sending kagura and shinpachi away, he asks them to trust that he's still trusting them, relying on them to help shoulder his burden, and in return they know he's staying alive, not self sacrificing. maybe it would've helped just to feel on the same team and not shut out, to be able to trust gintoki like gintoki was trusting shouyou?

so. two paralleled instances of gintoki making a bad situation worse by keeping to himself and being too self sufficient. that feels clear cut that feels fine im okay with that as a takeaway. do i think its exactly what sorachi had in mind while writing this, as opposed to just a good series 'hey lean on your friends' moment to read cool and tug at the heartstrings? eh lol. i think theres definitely room to read takasugi into this arc (i still need to refind the takagin 4devas post...) but its not so baked in that i think he was a PRIORITY in the plotting.

but is the shinpachi SCOLDING necessary is the scolding justified... and yes its in response to life doesnt need to be fun i just want you to live. still a confusing framing i can't immediately square. but/and more immediately its directly responding. to gintoki opening up to them about his insecurities!!

which, as said, he doesnt do!! he doesnt talk about his failures! its basically like, here and to hijikata that one time and otherwise even when we know all the facts about what happened we still never hear gintoki himself talk about it. (so he really DOESNT learn the lesson here either. he stays dissociated and triggered every time utsuro comes up. he tries to solve the altana baby problem on his own. he doesnt talk to his new friends OR his old friends. bwah. gintoki. silver soul.)

so this is like. its just in the wrong order!! its just in a baffling order lol. if you want gintoki to share his burden do you need to punch him when he shares it. does it also need to sound like you're blaming him for not being capable of upholding his promise to protect anyone when thats the insecurity thats got him all discombobulated this arc in the first place (a whole set of notes i took on this that i didnt find a place for in this post)?? its so weeeeiiiiiirddd lol i dont liiikeee itttttt. theres plenty of things shinpachi can validly punch gintoki for but this is such a weird one.

so i guess. having a clearer understanding of this arc do i hate it less? YES honestly. i hate fakeout plots generally they irritate me but everything... more or less makes sense by gintama standards now that i have the whole plot in mind.

do i hate jirochou less SORT OF? i enjoy him. in his individual relationships. i like his shitty dad deal i love shitty dads. i like him pining for otose who genuinely likes him but also brings up her husband every sentence she says to him just to keep him down. i like his parallels with gintoki that they both explicitly acknowledge and find macho comfort in. hes still not theeeeeeeee most well-developed gintama antagonist but you know? i at least think otose and pirako would want to be around him after this.

do i feel like i have a clearer understanding of the bitchslap moment. NOT CONVINCED I DO. i feel like its going to be one of those things that slips in and out of my understanding like sand in cupped hands. i have a tentative understanding of it that i dont think sorachi actually had in mind. so i dont think ive solved it lol.

will i be cursed to think about 4devas forever? god i hope not. am i okay with it beating farewell shins in the polls. god i fucking hope it does. in the horrible timeline where i have to see 305 make it all the way and then lose i guess id rather it be to this one than to hijigin. consider this poll propaganda?

[pixiecaps]

I don't go to the minecraft school, may I ask what the frick is happening???

dont think im the best person for this but i’ll share what i know

shelby aka shubble a mcyt creator came forth about physical abuse she endured in a past relationship to spread awareness of these type of situations and despite not naming the abuser, not because she didnt want to, it was obvious to the audience who it was. her abuser was wilbur soot a popular mcyt creator in the space for years now who a lot of people know and have worked with. more stuff has gradually been said and released about what he did and how he acted with women in his life behind the scenes and revealed he’s had this pattern in behavior where he manipulates people and harms others. today like an hour ago he tweeted confirming yes he was the abusive ex and posted an “apology” yet avoids accountability and saying sorry for what he did. after he tweeted multiple cc’s he had worked with or had been known to be friends with have replied standing with shelby and basically calling him out for his shitty apology

thats about it that im aware of. you can probably look at the wilbur tag and find posts that have a lot more detail and other bloggers who have spoken about it for days now. very much recommend doing that if you want to stay informed on the situation

[p0ssywhippedcream]

HIII OPHEE !!! im sososososo glad youre back now !! how are you ? how have you been ? ill admit i was really worried about you since youve been gone for so so so long, but i was hoping it was just a break from writing. i hope youve been alright for the past months !!

again im sosososososososoooo glad youre back !! youre definitely my favorite blogger here, i checked nearly everyday to see if you posted again and i was SO SHOCKED when i saw you liked my post !!

im so happy youre back now !! i really really hope youve been fine lately, its been soso long ! ❤️❤️❤️

MY BEAUTIFUL PRECOCIOUS MOOT😭😭😭😭

you have no comprehension of how much i missed you personally like talking to you is one of my favorite parts of tumblr and i can’t wait to fangirl over fictional men w you again!!

i’m sorry i didn’t return when i started liking stuffs, i wanted to get the feel of tumblr first for a couple weeks and really try to write again before promising to return and then not having anything to show for it. so i was liking a ton of posts and i bet it confused some people😭😭

(TW: talk of SA below, not graphic just mentions of the word)

life has literally been so crazy but great; i went through a really shitty relationship but it taught me that i needed to value myself and my love more. i went to court for my childhood SA and he got found guilty of all charges and put in prison for 120 years! i got like four more tattoos and i made a ton of really good friends, dyed my hair blue than pink and orange than bright green than red and now it’s white! my other rapist died in a car crash (karma loves me in 2024 bro) and i got a new job that i absolutely adore! my bio dad tried to come back into my life by following me on instagram (declined fAWk that) and i quit and unquit and requit nicotine like four times. much has happened there’s def a ton i left out but that’s the overall gist lol

i’m so happy to be back, tell me everything!! how’s your life been, anything big? anything small? anything at all? (pls pls tell me stuffs i’m so curious)

[swiftfootedachilles]

Sorry that you've been feeling alienated from shamey fandom :( if it makes you feel any better you're literally one of the only gallavich bloggers I consistently like bc 1) you don't diss trevor and 2) I think your takes on the characters have actual Nuance. Tbh I can't bear to watch the show all the way through bc of crazy hell anxiety but it's too interesting to ignore completely. I would never block you <3

yayyyy!

1) meta-wise, trevor is such an interesting and complex character. i wish he was in more episodes, if not at least for getting a trans person more money and fame. like im so real they couldve made him a supervillain but i wouldnt care because it meant elliot fletcher was getting his hard-earned coin 😭 but fr hes far from the worst character in the show, and a lot of the hate ive seen has been obviously transphobic - like if trevor was cis they wouldnt care enough to hate him so much. literally seen more hate for trevor than FRANK (...that can go for a lot of characters on shameless tho. like why do people hate debbie more than FRANK??)

2. the acting really sells the characters for me and i try to stay consistent with the writing - even tho the writers didnt even care enough to stay consistent with the writing - which leads me to interpret all the characters as INCREDIBLY nuanced. like i just said above, trevor did shitty things but i still wanted to see more of him. ians a petty bitch yet i love him with my whole heart. mickey is my favorite character to ponder and microwave in my head, and hes LITERALLY RACIST. everyone on the show is soooo bad and it makes them great and i love complexity and nuance 😋

[beesfairlyland]

hi bee, i'm sorry for the vent, but i just really need to get this out. i've been into concepts since like... 2016 i think? first loattraction, then loassumption, and now non dualism. i used all of these to "get something" yes, even nd. sure, when i learned about nd i let go of desiring, but in the end i still do "want" to have "my" desired life as a human/"ego". i've been doing everything i read for nd, letting go of all labels, thoughts, etc. and it's been going well, but recently i've started worrying again. everything i did when i was still into both loa's changed absolutely nothing/didn't work for me (i've never "manifested" anything in these almost 8 years), so i'm worried about being stuck as a this human that i do not want to be at all forever. i'm worried about not stripping labels and letting go "good enough" and i'm worried that everyone on here is just feeding me lies about this freedom and liberation. do you have any advice for this? i'm just so desperate to stop identifying with the ego (and an ego i don't like being at that)

Heya hun!💗

It's okayy don't be sorry....i understand sometimes it get's soo frustrating that we need to take it out. I feel you I've been here too before.

Take a deep breathe and calm down. Ik it sucks being stuck in a loop of trying and trying again, in a loop of desiring. But baby you have to understand that Non dualism is not a method, ik you know this too. And uk it's okay if you wanna have your desires (more of beautiful experiences) , may be it's just you are not ready yet to KNOW yourSELF and that's totally fine. There's nothing to hurry about, nowhere to reach. Have some rest. Don't beat yourself up. Okay?

First things first i want you to KNOW that the experiences that you wanna have are nothing special. They are YOU. And Everything that this ego can think of it is already here. It's your choice what you wanna experience.

Rn you are aware of desiring things, from lack. Im not asking you to do nothing, ik it's just gonna make you anxious. Just bare with me hear me out (it's gonna go out of nd perspective). I want you to drop the idea of getting something. If you want to, first feel every shitty emotion you want to. Cry it out. Let it all out. If you wanna cry for whole day, go ahead. But after that, you won't go back to being aware of those feelings. Ofc you'll have thoughts but just don't entertain them. Not yours so they can get lost. Don't give feeling to that thought. And no you don't have to act like you have what you wanna experience, you have to KNOW that this dream gonna change for good. And that's inevitable. I want you to tap into your non dual state aka void state. But this time you are not putting it on a pedestal. I suggest you to read my post and Know what *void* actually is:

And if you don't wanna meditate....you can try lucid dreaming. And it can be beneficial to make you understand that you are not this mind-body. I lucid dream and it's soo fun. Go ahead and give it a try. Just KNOW that you can do it.

Remember it's all gonna be alright. It's destined. you came across all this knowledge for a reason.

Ik i am a non dualism blogger soo i should just stick to that. But ik where you coming from and me giving you more pointers, asking you to go within won't do any good to you. And im here to help you guys. Giving you some motivation about not giving up wouldn't do any good to you atleast in this situation.

Hope i could help you a lil bit! If you wanna ask something else feel free to send in an ask!

-love, bee🐝💗

[footiehoemcfc]

Send this to ten other bloggers that you think are wonderful. Keep the game going, make someone smile!!! 🩷✨💗✨💞

OH MY GOD I MISSED THIS IM SO SORRY, im kinda glad I saw it right now bc I had a shitty day so thank you baby <3<3

[pan-fried-autism]

what happened to sivi? sorry to bother you but im just worrie about her. did she post anything about it before deactivating?

this is probably somewhat inaccurate, and its my recollection of things ive seen, but...

there was gonna be a poll happening called "Most Annoying Tu,blr Users 2023", and you could submit candidates for a while. already that sounds kinda iffy, but then the owner of the polls blog (aka @/dni-archive, the poll blog itself was taken down) posted the candidates and... it was just. a mix of random popular bloggers and actual bigots/predators, along with a "strange" amount of lgbtq+ people (i HAVE heard op is a terf). in some parts of the poll they were actually gonna be up against each other.

aand sivi was on the poll.

I remember seeing on her blog something about how it was causing her paranoia i think? again i dont remember much.

but next thing i knew, i checked the shitty failed poll and she was deactovated.

from what ive seen in the notes, being on the poll + i think getting bullied by other users caused her to have a paranoid episode/breakdown.

i feel really bad. i hope she ends up doing ok.

[titobarkvillier]

I need to venttttt. Hi oilers fan here but I saw an isles blogger posting a racist ask she received after her comments bout game 2. the sad thing is what she was saying is true. the comments made me sick. as a community we need to do better than this

WHAT

i havent seen the ask so i dont know what exactly it said, but hockey especially is a breeding ground for racism and other hate speech/actions. its a white man’s sport more than any other, and the violent parts of it are what draw in an especially icky crowd. it sucks. not only that, but playoffs heighten every emotion. that’s absolutely disgusting to hear, im so sorry to whoever got that ask.

that being said, im a little surprised something like that happened on tumblr, since hockeyblr seems to be filled with mostly chill people and not disgusting toxicity you get on sports socials like twitter/facebook/etc. its disgusting. its why i migrated here after years of just silently scrolling twitter, because there seemed to be more of a community happening here. i guess not. shitty people will be shitty people anywhere if given the chance.

people talk shit about teams all the time, especially when angry. that doesnt justify racist comments? that racist anon needs to grow the fuck up. its a sport and these are grown men playing a game we have literally no stakes in. its entertainment; if youre not entertained, dont go around being a piece of shit to someone online. go to twitter if you wanna pick fights then, hockeyblr doesnt want you.

the kicker is they mustve went searching for isles fans, unless they were following that blogger before. still, if their racism is triggered by someone being upset about their/another team, why didnt they just keep scrolling? mute islanders tags? come on now. tumblr is structured to only show you what you want to see. dont seek out people to be a dick. they shouldve shut their phone off and done some breathing exercises if some random stan account on a website is making them piss their pants with rage.

[vampirekinn]

Copied from @rosyish :

I can see that I'm blocked and that's not all that surprising because you know this post is bullshit

I waited to talk about this because to be honest that's what a whole bunch of y'all in the notes SHOULD have done.

this post is nothing but a crafted string of words to make sure that you dog pile a black prson. a black person with rightful concerns.

lets take it from the jump. from the posts that this person has been sitting a year now? Yahya is specifically talking abut two bloggers who have been weirdos (self proclaimed) who have acted strangely towards not only BLACK PEOPLE but CHILDREN.

IM BEGGING YALL TO REREAD YAHYAS post and then REREAD THIS POST HERE

The person said in this post that they find incest sorry "fauxcest" and cnc to be harmless kinks and no one.....nary a person went "hmmm let's think about this" no one started questioning this shit AT ALL especially you heifers in the notes to this post.

THE OG POSTER APPARENTLY WRITES INCEST FICS AND NO ONE HAD THE CRITICAL THOUGHT TO QUESTION THAT THEY THEMSELVES MIGHT BE A WEIRDO? (PS: user autolenaphilia DOES write incest fics. it's literally under the tag for that shitty fucking game "the coffin of andy and leyley")

Explain that to me and quickly.

they are comparing people in the community calling out weirdos to the likes of terfs so that no one wants to question the kinks or the posts that they find harmless and it is so incredibly blatant and yet that post has over 1,000 notes.

and it all circles back to EXACTLY what Yahya said it would which is racism and anti blackness .

and THEN THE OG poster tried to tie it all in a cute little bow by talking about transmisogynoir so that THEY do not get hit with a racist label. and every single person in the in the notes in the likes in the reblog section fell for it.

Yahya is owed some apologies and I wanna see them starting now

like I'm actually so disappointed and also so incredibly disgusted that that post is sitting at 1,000+ notes and NO ONE went "woahhhh this is odd" no one is saying that............its like the reading comprehension has gone out the window

Yahya has faced utter disdain and vitriol SPECIFICALLY from white bloggers for talking. about. racism. and. anti blackness. FOR YEARS. AND SO MANY OF US HAVE SEEN IT. have witnessed it. and I'm not about to let some loser who thinks incest and CNC is chill to try and run a hate campaign on them. its just not happening.

This post has been in the back of my mind ever since i saw it last year because it is a mask off moment for a usually more subtle transmisogynist. : I blacked out the account names being accused in the screenshot above, because i don't want to be spreading fake transmisogynistic callouts around even to be criticquing them.

Like "trans women are sexual predators who use their identity as queer women as cover to prey on children and other vulnerable people, and liberals are too afraid of being called transmisogynistic to stop them" is like the basic transmisogynist narrative. It's literally the terf narrative about trans women. This is the real terf rhetoric, not trans women criticizing (trans)misogyny.

Yet it is still so common among ostensibly transfem-accepting liberals/leftists. Like trans women using their identity as a shield against legitimate criticism of their predatory behavior is such a common trope in queer spaces that claim to be against terfs. This is because TME people use hating on terfs as a substitute for dealing with their own transmisogyny.

This is extremely common among people in the callout culture transmisogyny fandom like the screenshotted blogger.They go for this line about "transfems using their identity as a shield against genuine criticism" all the time when their obvious if lightly veiled transmisogyny is pointed out. This is their main argument, their own shield against criticism. And it rings very hollow when these people call out transfem after transfem as sexual predators based on them liking harmless kinks like fauxcest and CNC, literally using old radfem arguments against kink.

What this sort of thing is, is the denial that transmisogyny even exists. A claim that instead of being an especially oppressed class of women, we are actually a privileged group. And terfs here are open about saying it's because we are men and have male privilege. The more subtle kind of transmisogynist, the "trans women are women, terfs dni" crowd, leaves the trans women have male privilege bit unsaid but implied.

And of course it's false. As people are surely aware, being transfem makes you more likely to publicly accused of being a sexual menace. And they are most likely false accusations. Accusations against the privileged and powerful, like cis men, are seldom false. The social power that these men wield make it dangerous for any victim to come forward.

Accusations towards members of marginalized groups like transfems, however, are easy and safe to make, because they don't have that kind of social power or privilege. Their position in any social setting is tenuous, and it's easy to turn the group against them to exile them. Transfems don't have the power to defend themselves even against the flimsiest of accusations, while privileged men can defend themselves even against the most well-documented ones. Transfems are instead more likely to be victims of abuse, and then DARVOed by their abusers, being accused of abuse when they were actually abused.

The fact is that transfems can "scream transmisogyny" but few TME people, including other lgbt people, are not likely to listen.

And this is not a "white girl" problem despite what the screenshotted post implies. This problem is far worse for black transfems suffering from transmisogynynoir, and other non-white transfems. Read writings written by black transfems like Position of Guilt: Black Hot Allostatic Load by Anonsee Storyweaver.

[primalspice]

Ever (signs his cast) 8, 13, 15, 20, 27, 31, 36, 46, 50, 56

everett 

8: Does your character hate anyone? Why?

he hates joshua because joshua hates ruby. this was never actually a thing until ruby died but in his frenzy he’s convinced himself that joshua had something to do with it. the truth is that joshua is actually just an asshole, which is also a valid reason to hate him but. yknow LOL. im sure he’d hate chris too if he knew what he did but instead he’s just confused by him.

13: What would your character die for?

he’d die for ruby had he seen it coming certainly. swap places or something. he’d at least die if it meant getting to the bottom of what happened but it doesnt really work like that unfortunately. or maybe he’d die trying to get revenge on whoever did it. doesn’t work like that either though. he’d do anything but no amount of hurt will change it sorry the ghost that kept on haunting just autoplayed im going to cry 

15: What music genre would your character listen to?

i say he was a korn fan in his youth and i still think thats pretty true, i think hes a bit of a numetal fan. i think he’d also be into the classic Alternative shit tho he strikes me as a guy who collects vinyl unfortunately. has opinions on morrissey. 

20: What is the most surprising thing about your character?

the most surprising thing about ever is that he has schizophrenia :)) right? jk i think hes a pretty predictable guy when you think about it but i think the most surprising thing about him is that he literally work(s)/(ed) at taco bell part time before this shit was going down. Sucks.

27: What would be the worst way for your character to die?

i mean i. think any way would be tragic at this point considering how bad he wants to reunite with ruby even tho hes way too agnostic for that. killing himself would suck pretty bad in that sense. so would literally anything else though LMAO i think the worst way for Everyone overall though would be if chris killed him. yeah wtfever suffer some more gayboy.

31: What social media would your character use?

i think he’d be pretty active on like. facebook and instagram because hes a photography guy. might have a twitter that he uses semi frequently but just casually. DOES he have a tumblr account. Maybe. i think he’d be an aesthetic blogger though with occasional schizoposting. love him for that.

36: Does anyone want to harm your character?

LIKE. NOT RLLY BUT. MAYBE JOSHUA A LITTLE BUT JUST BECAUSE HES ANNOYED BY HIM LOLLLL. 

46: Would you want to trade places with your character?

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

50: What is your favorite thing about your character?

my favorite thing about ever is how passionate and loving he is even tho is hurts him it hurts him so much. i like his kinda shitty personality and how it (used to </3) mesh with rubys shitty personality. i like his pink hair and pronouns. i like that he has so many struggles and tries so hard to overcome them for love. and i LOVE that he is haunted and has ghost interactions and ghost sex sorrysorrysorrys

56: What’s one of your character’s quirks?

his entire persona is quirks *breaks one of his fragile bones for fun*

[tendercoretroglodyke]

like I know we here on tumblr love to play it fast and loose with this iconic preschool lesson but that last one is still absolutely vital no matter where you are

[thesoftdumbass]

Kid, are you ok? A little bit concerned about your health over here...

...dad is that you?

no but haha why would i not be ok?

i have

no idea

why you would ask that

On a more serious note, I have been pretty stressed recently. I’m about to change jobs, I’m moving currently, and trying to juggle schoolwork while not having internet at home, and I tend to cope with that stress by reblogging these posts with weird tags! But that’s just who I am as a person lol

[minstradamus]

What blogs are you talking about bc I want to make sure I don’t rb them

Sorry I'm replying just now, I was studying.

Sadly I cannot be sure about the urls (I know, lame after making a call out post like I that), because I've only seen them twice on my dash or in tags (I follow some bts-related tags and also tumblr recommended them to me). One of them definitely had "memes" or sth in their url and they posted a compilation of JK's cute moments with gifs that were not made by them and they had a quite substantial number of notes and comments.

I also remember like last week or something one blog posted a gif with our most favourite captions "cr. to the owner" and "gif not mine" - when I replied with "if it's not your gif then why are you posting it?" they said they "just want more people to see it" like??? What kind of shitty explanation is that...

[knjsplaylist]

//

[honey-milk-depresso]

so i had a mental breakdown in my server, sorry for people who just joined ignore my rants and stuff-

TW: Death, mentions of suicidal thoughts, me keeping pent up frustration for 5 months, uncensored words

but i was crying so much, it felt so gross, and geez idk how i broke my dam of emotions today but-

ever since my grandpa died, on the day of my birthday, it was the first time i had to ever think of crying in front of someone or just act natural and say “thanks” if they wished me. honestly i thought i didn’t deserve those wishes or gifts. i should’ve been there to see my granda’s last days but i was so busy with school and other things i couldn’t fly back to see him.

so, that was my first time ever concealing very hard i was super sad. then on top of it all, i have to tackle exams, and my feelings were just giving in, and i did not meet my expectations at all. i wasn’t proud of myself, and i was angry about myself for caving in to my own words, and yet again i resorted to not telling or showing people how sad i was.

my logic was (and still is) that if im not prioritising others, im being selfish and a horrible friend. the fact that i was growing to be more resentful towards the people i love didnt help either.

@his-jinny who deactivated after anons harassed them over plagiarism, anons kept complaining to me about how she was being a coward even after she left like im the culprit, and even before that demanded and pressured me to respond to the situation i wasn’t even involved in.

i was so annoyed, and frustrated, and i wanted to flip them off, but i didnt wanna be rude and insensitive since they also had a point my friend didnt listen to the blogger to stop doing that twice, i said something completely rational while i grew so irrational and feral about it.

and i kept it to myself.

my irl situation was... pretty stupid honestly. my social life got harassed by someone i thought was a friend, abandoned me when i was no use to help them in academics anymore after seeing my math grades drop to a B.

obviously, mad at that piece of shit, but i didnt really said anything much other than “they’re being shitty”. i felt way more than that.

time goes by, and everyone around me see me as that bratty over 3 fictional characters and i felt treated like dirt wipes by everyone. like even if i was useful once im dirty you threw me away and tossed me around like i wasn’t of any value. like i shouldn’t be treated with respect and you called me “bitch” and “motherfucker” and what not. yeah, i know that, don’t have to remind me thanks. and i was caught up in this dilemma of being truthful about how toxic i was getting or making sure everyone dont get hurt. obviously, majority feel great than one individual feels like shit, and i went with it.

i mean, being exposed to it would’ve naturally made me do the same, too, right? i felt like i was (and is) in no position to tell anyone off.

and it went on and on with people on tumblr, on discord, irl, online all treat me like fucking nothing and that im not in control of who i am and what i do, and it felt like i was living off of people’s expectations and feelings that i just crumbled.

all those dark thoughts... i thought of even caving in. i can’t express or describe to you how painful and how morbid and gruesome these thoughts were. i couldn’t even imagine i could think of such things of doing to myself.

i can’t tell you exactly what they were, but they were terrifying, and i was scared, and cold, and lonely in all those thoughts. if you compared “usual” me to when im really by myself and alone, you wouldn’t think that was me.

but being “me” online didn’t felt like me at all.

i felt that who i was is horrifying, and no should know. why would i want you all getting out of my life? i couldn’t imagine that!

but that’s selfish of me, keeping everyone to myself. then what am i supposed to do? cave into those dark thoughts and just do it? no, i wouldn’t, i would hurt people. but that’s pretty egoistic of me and selfish to think people would worry about me and be burdened or even bothered about me, won’t it?

so much dilemma, so much of spiraling down an endless hole of confusion, anger and desolation.

and to think i broke down after so long, crying in vc was so embarrassing despite having people tell me it’s not.

i was so mad at everyone and everything, i thought i was being selfish, and that they were too, but that’s all because it’s my fault for being the worst.

people who rant so confidently and even to me i wondered why cant i be like them? why do i have to hide and cower like a loser?

and i tell people you’re brave to be expressing your feelings, and i didnt. i was in a horrible state (and still am).

i was so mentally torn to shreds i started to be more exaggerated that im fine, i was happy, you think im in love with t*ey despite me saying no (like an annoying bitch- im so annoying-) and again i caved in to those anons saying im not worth to be in the twst fandom, or any fandom or with anyone. im just... a bad person.

im a bad person who cant handle themselves.

i wish i can take a break, but i cant. i have work to do and important stuff ahead of me i must continue on to work hard.

@rizavi-m @sherbet-shark @quaintl1ng @mehletmesleep thanks but i dont feel like im worth anyone’s time.

but hopefully, i won’t fall victim to those dark thoughts of mine.

[limesquares]

heya, a lot of the links on your pages use your old url! just a heads up! :o

o snap, thanks for letting me know! i’ll try to get those fixed, although my ocs page is overall outdated and might take awhile to get cleaned up again ;w; I’Ll do my best to get those fixed asap tho!