#sorry im just having a little meltdown over how awful to process of posting on instagram is

[yammoba]

I think theres an issue where people are like.... dragged into staying on a platform because "everyone is on there", even if the real truth is that everyone wants to leave... well many such cases i suppose

[scabsdriesflakesandheals]

m dropped me around this time last year, a few days into the school year. i had been feeling really. weird about them for a minute and like they were distancing themselves from me. they made a post like “sometimes i think im too gentle pushing people out of my life.” i tried to hug a mutual friend and. they just stared at me.

so i had a bit of a meltdown and finally got the courage to message them and i was really freaking out, and i said “hey i might just be being paranoid but was that post about me?” and. the essay i got in reply was basically just. “yeah, actually. you freak out too much. bye”

and i just. sat there for a few hours after they unfollowed me and such listening to i miss you by blink182 for whatever reason. on loop. song is a little triggering now, good song tho.

i just fell apart a bit after that. i had already been sitting alone every day for a year previously, and now i didn’t even have one of my best friends anymore. i just retreated into myself. i made a friend that year but she went to inpatient just before i dropped out of that school. i was a mess. i would check their blog all the time, send them anons, i always did look up to them and sort of follow what they did. they led me into ace and mogai exclusionism (not one for the highlight reel to be sure, but i just chameleoned my opinions and thoughts to be like theirs.)

the previous year had been a shitshow too, a friend straight up died, i got broken up with from a super turbulent and stressful relationship, i was trolling people online trying to get them to send mean asks to fuel my low self esteem. i would vye for sarahah asks and then publicly rant about them or deny the nice things people would say. i would straight up tell people they were lying to my face if they said they loved me or that i was cool or whatever. it was just a Bad time.

i felt completely betrayed and abandoned by the entire world, it seemed like. i got paranoid about other friends i hadn’t talked to in a while plotting against me and/or talking behind my back, and i just isolated myself further. i was cvtting daily and ditching school in favor of sleeping all day at my grandmas or dads. i switched schools and then continued ditching all the time, i felt like a ghost. no one would notice when i left, no one would ask any questions when i said “oh my moms picking me up” and would walk to the mall to people-watch for a bit before. going and sleeping all day.

i genuinely thought i was going to kill my self that year. i didn’t have a plan but it was always on my mind. i wanted it to be bloody and awful so everyone would understand how i felt, to even try to externalize the pain i would have to be sprawled in pieces along the highway, i felt. i wanted to show everyone who told me they couldn’t or didn’t love me exactly what that was doing to me inside. but i didn’t.

i’m still here. and now m and i are in contact again. i don’t know if i’ll ever be as close to them as i was, that’s fine. it felt like closure, but i never did really process what happened. i feel like another group is distancing themselves from me. ive felt like it for a while. but i can’t help but think that i’m just projecting. i don’t want to be wrong about it, but i don’t want to be right about it. i don’t want them to act sorry and fall over themselves trying to make me feel welcome again, but i don’t want them to say “yk? you’re right. we don’t like you anymore.” i don’t want to face it. i almost don’t even want the answer. i kinda just want to leave and see if anyone notices. but i don’t know what id do if they didn’t.

im just so scared bc i know im too much and i know i say weird things and i talk like a robot and don’t go on vc much because im socially inept. i was on once and i was like “omg i haven’t heard your voice in a while it’s so deep now!” and got the exasperated reply “well you’re NEVer in vc” like. yeah im not. maybe if i felt like anyone cared i would more often. im just. i don’t even know how to confront them about it. i just want to shrivel up.