#sorry if this is not very accurate >< its been a while since I've talked with you all> << /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[drawnfamiliarfaces]

I’ve been simping over your ‘human’ Nomicon design since it came out in Ninja-November. If you have any headcanons about them, would you please share?

ah, a fellow monster/eldritch horror enjoyer I see! thank you! <3 tbh that Nomicon design was like an one day revelation, because while I love all the human!Nomi designs I've seen over the years (and there are some banger ones, man), it hit me that we as a fandom really underutilize all the uncanny aspects Nomi possesses. So ye. I do have a couple hc.

Nomicon is an entity that doesn't have its own face and voice.

Whenever Nomicon talks to Randy it uses proxies in form of art/images/drawings/scribbles/writings. It gives strangely non-verbal vibes for something so cryptically eloquent! And whenever it does use a voice, its voice of the First Ninja (or more accurately his VA xD) , its first owner/wielder. When it uses a face, its usually the static/unmoving marble-like faces of Art or silly pen scribbles - both of which hold that uncanny valley look of something that looks human but really isn't. Not to mention the fact that it once literally stole Randy's face/body to teach him a lesson.

I like to think that Nomicon has a library of faces/visages/voices it can take on, but all of them are creepily unsettling because - what would a book know about how to be human? It's face moves wrong, the eyes are too wide open, its body is creepily still, the voice uses inflections like its copying someone else (and sometimes voice warbles and changes/overlaps with other voices because it has so many).

All of it gives these fae/cryptid vibes of creatures that steal voices/faces to trick people, but in this case Nomicon collects those faces/voices from its owners along with their memories (which is another messed up thing we collectively forget is very creepy lol).

Nomicon is an entity that doesn't have a body, and most importantly - hands.

The reason I gave Nomicon so many shadow hands is because, well, Nomicon is a book. Hands hold those books, so the hands are very important to Nomi. All those shadow hands? Are memories of all the hands that held it (mostly previous Ninjas, but also the Creep and some others). It remembers everyone who held it.

The fit- the hat and the cape are kind of obvious, it look like center of the cover and the cape looks like covers on either side with pages underneath. The weirdest addition I made - is the spaghetti noodle-doodle 'hair'.

It constantly fascinates me that Nomicon, besides the Greek Key/9 motif, has those sort of concentration circles that are also present during Mask/Suit transformation. It gave me thought of sort of weird halos i guess?? Which adds to creepy vibe, but in this case its biblically accurate angel / holy deity type of vibes.

Nomicon has very basic understanding of humanity.

For all the experiences/memories/personalities it was created from and it absorbed over the years, human things are a rather alien concept for the book. It's the reason Nomicon is so bad at its timing whenever it buzzes Randy. It just doesnt care that you are at school Randy, its trying to teach you how to be a better ninja!!! In some sense, it absorbed the most prevalent quality of First Ninja - the dedication to duty, the whole reason for its existence - to serve Ninjas to be the best they can. So, such human/mortal things as good grades/video games/a good nights sleep are very nebulous concepts to it.

Less of a hc but more of an observation/gripe but-

COME ON ITS NAME??? Ninjanomicon as in Ninjanecronomicon??? Because lets be honest its not just a book/guide for Ninjas its a book full of DEAD NINJAS??? LIKE??? In some sense all previous Ninjas, when they go through Ultimate Lesson, 'die' in the real world (because they are no longer Ninjas) and are preserved in Nomicon. And First is like deadass dead? (Plop plop too lol). So I feel like there should be more creepiness about that.

Anyway thats basically most of it, and sorry for silly doodles but i cant really draw creepy stuff xD

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/766688842914938880/wait-soif-the-only-things-making-companies-censor?source=share

So I've been keeping half an eye on the NSFW AI chatbot and image generation scene (because it's funny watching how fast they flare up and burn out), and the app store and payment processor thing is really evident here

Horny AI image generators can't go in app stores. Full stop. It generates pornography, there's no really getting around the artistic merit stuff, and anything that generates believable photographic styles can actually spit out literally illegal images (digital content which is indistinguishable from a real life photograph recording of a living child) if it's good enough. Users only have minimal control over if what they generate will comply with the ToS; if you ask a bot to give you an image of a "cute boy" it might give you a heartthrob pop star, a generic smiling toddler, or a shota with a huge dick. If the shota is against the ToS, you are now breaking a rule that you have no control over.

And becaues it's AI, it can't actually be filtered. The robot doesn't know what it's looking at, it can't generate an image and then make a judgement call about how that image applies with the ToS because it doesn't know what a ToS is and all it knows is that the image it generated from the "cute boy" prompt is the kind of image that is associated with the caption "cute boy".

App stores and the big payment processors don't want to deal with that mess, so these platforms will have apps that can be downloaded from their website or from discord, and weird sketchy ways to pay, like crypto or some small payment processor that you've never heard of and that sounds like a phishing scam.

Horny image gen platforms tend to be very short lived, and either rebrand as SFW platforms or completely shutter after only a few months. It's funny, but the tragedy is that this happens because of poorly moderated NSFW images, not because the images it generates suck.

****

Text does a little better, since it's copyright laws, not "we can't let people pass off recordings of child abuse as digitally generated art" laws that AI text tends to violate, and "horny is bad" as a social more is applied more strongly to visual material than to plaintext.

The bigger text platforms, like Google's Bard, have filters in place that will refuse to show NSFW text, and they're more or less accurate. The smaller platforms, which most of the "talk with your anime waifu" chat platforms are, have stupid insane garbage filters on what text users can enter, but not on what the chatbot generates. So you can prompt "describe her sexy vagina" and get "I'm sorry, I want to keep people safe so I can't talk about that", but if you type "describe her petals" you get a graphic description of a vagina from a bot that obviously has a mountain of het erotica in its database.

There are some text-only NSFW chatbot platforms that seem to be chugging along just fine with paypal, but they have strict rules about what images can be uploaded as avatars. Some will allow users to make sexually explicit loli bots, but won't allow any images of young characters, sexual or otherwise, anywhere on the site. Many text-only platforms don't seem to be in app stores, though. Paypal is fine with them but Apple isn't.

It's a weird, weird, little microcosm of the internet, and an interesting insight into what's going on with payment processors and app stores in re the pressures placed on websites.

****

The takeaway from all this (aside from the fact AI is amusingly ridiculous) is that text-only sites like AO3 and or Literotica are probably just fine, while sites that host images, like Tumblr, are under more scrutiny.

--

[thelunarfairy]

Hi, I hope you have a nice holiday and a merry christmas (sorry for disturbing christmas but I was reading and couldn't shut up jskjakak)

I was rereading jshk and, although I know sometimes the translation is not usually as accurate or the best (even when it is by the publisher with its license) BUT I looked up the kanjis and yep, it's correct both in the fans version and with the [official] of the publisher.

(Although, be careful, in the editorial they translated it as 'obsessed with his brother', while in the translation by the fans it is 'brother complex', the latter being the closest and most accurate translation, since from Japanese [ブラコン] in Spanish/English is brocon, precisely the kanji that Mei draws on Amane's cheek)

I'm also thankful that I had read something about brocon before or I wouldn't have noticed this.

The curious and funny and half-fucked thing in the sense that Aidairo blurted this out so casually through Mei that you don't know if she's making fun of him for it and warning Yashiro Jaksjk or it's just a joke, right, when you investigate brocon/brother complex the definition encompasses [taken from wikipedia, btw] a state of strong attachment and obsession with siblings and its general description is a sister/brother who has "feelings of love towards their brother" and "exclusive desire to possess"; adding that it usually has more influence on the way they develop their lives, for example, choosing spouses who are similar to their siblings.

(It has greater content but, basically, it is like a relative of the Oedipus complex) (I added the couples example because a while ago I read a publication about the similarities between Yashiro and Tsukasa and I found it curious)

I haven't read anyone else mention anything about this, maybe because I haven't found them or maybe it's not a big deal and just a joke from Aidairo to us (or maybe they thought we wouldn't notice idk) and I'm thinking about it too much.

Also because i don't think Mei knows much about the twins unless Tsukasa told her about it, and she just wanted to laugh at him for whatever she noticed about them (which, likewise, is strange because no one else has externalized that kind of thinking about the yugi brothers).

Anyway, I would like to know your opinion about the panels. (and I want to ask if you would extend your publication to an analysis of the Yugi Twins, taboo dilemma)

nice night! <3

I wish you the same! Merry Christmas!! Hahaha, don't worry

So, everything you said makes a strong connection with the story of the Yugi twins, and I've even been wondering for some time now about his obsession, possessiveness and insecurity born because of Tsukasa's disappearance when they were children.

He has a strong fear of losing, he tends to want to cry when he feels threatened, when he is very jealous, in short.

Do you know why there aren't many mentions of this? Because of the taboo. The fandom is just now starting to accept that there is something WEIRD about their relationship.

I've been cautious about talking about this precisely because I fear whether or not people are ready to talk about it. The fandom cannot support the idea of twins having a romantic relationship between them, and it is justifiable, not even nature accepts this, many bloodlines from ancient Egypt ended due to genetic diseases that perpetuated for years because of marriages between brothers.

So I'm taking it slow, talking about it little by little so that the fandom can understand that MAYBE, the twins are in love with each other, and like you said, we don't know if it's something canon or just a joke by Aidairo.

Anyway, talking about the panels, this is also written in English.

But yes, the story is developing in a way that leads us to a forbidden love between them. A love that Amane tries to suffocate…..

I've been receiving a lot of requests to talk or extend specific posts about the twins, so I decided that I'm going to make a more complete post about them both, I'm going to try to go a little deeper and make some things more explicit. So stay tuned for updates, it may take a while for this post to come out, but I will develop it soon.

I will talk about brotherly love, romantic love, psychotic and pathological love, Oedipus complex (as you mentioned), incest, obsessive love, cannibalism, symbolism between supernatural and human love, the relationship between devouring and being devoured, passivity , dilemmas, the double love he feels for Nene and Tsukasa, among others. I will cover most of the topics that exist between twins.

In the meantime, you can take a look at these posts I made about them, if you haven't seen them before.

[esprei]

have recently learned there's a bit more hate around trainwreckshipping than i was aware of so i guess i just wanted to talk about it a bit and give my two cents on the ship, how i see it and i guess my perspective on things. i've kind of always wanted to talk about it, but i just haven't been brave enough until now haha (sorry, i am not super eloquent when it comes to writing things like this so my apologies) ((also throwing it under a cut because it may get long and might also include some slightly sad-ish things so i don't want to just throw that in everyone's face you know))

----

i think i'll just preface things by saying i've always totally understood why trainwreckshipping has gotten so much flack since its inception. or hate, because maybe flack just isn't strong enough of a word. but i do understand. there were mischaracterizations of emmet by portraying him as violent to volo because it was assumed that volo was directly responsible for ingo's disappearance. i was guilty of it. suuuuuper guilty. and i can understand why that put the ship in such a position for many people. toxic, unhealthy, etc. but... i think what i'm a bit confused on i guess is the fact that it's still viewed so much this way to this day. viewed as one of the worst ships because of how toxic it is. how unhealthy it is. all because it started that way in fanon only. but you know, from a canon standpoint, it has nothing. nothing at all. so really, this ship could be anything because it's based in fanon only. no canon interactions of emmet and volo exist yet. there is no official basis on how these characters would interact with each other. and yes, while there were misunderstandings of both characters early on, that certainly doesn't mean it's still that way today. that doesn't mean that people haven't studied and looked at these two characters a little closer to understand them better and to try and make them more realistic to their canon portrayals. to make more accurate depictions of these characters and how that fits in to a healthier perspective with them. i dunno. it just kinda baffles me that with the variety of trainwreckshipping content out there now, some still call it toxic and unhealthy as if we're perpetually stuck in that time period of when it was. like it's not allowed to be anything but that ever just because it started that way. and what makes me the saddest about it all is now seeing so many friends and people in the community of the ship start to get disheartened and discouraged from enjoying something they really actually enjoy because there's still such a bad stigma to the ship. personally for a long time i've just ignored that stigma because i try not to let that stuff drag me down. but i will admit that yes, it has made me more reluctant to post any art i do of it. i've definitely had my periods where i've questioned uploading my emmet/volo art, usually as wholesome as it is, because it does have such a dark cloud around it fandom wise. it's why i made my side blog, in fact. because i just didn't feel very comfortable uploading mostly emmet/volo art here to my main because so many people dislike it or outright hate it.

and in regards to the ship itself, i think i've always thought of it in a slightly different way than most. not so much enemies to lovers but rather through the lens of how volo might could change, be redeemed, see the how his actions in the past inadvertently affected others (and by that I mean his involvement in opening the rift... like yes, that could be what caused ingo to be sent to hisui, but we don't know that for sure... and even if that was the case, volo didn't do it specifically to target ingo. volo was only ever interested in trying to get to arceus and build a better world in his vision).

or how volo could look at emmet after getting to know him and potentially see the beauty and value of the current world through him. you know, seeing someone like emmet and admiring that he can still find a reason to smile and be kind despite all of the pain and suffering he must have gone through since ingo's disappearance. volo starting to see a different perspective than he did before (aka wanting to build a new world because the current one was too full of pain and suffering) because of emmet. i dunno. that's just me personally. because since actually looking more at volo's character and his dialogue in game i've been real interested in redemption paths for him. exploring those possibilities. i just enjoy exploring said possibilities mostly through the dynamic i have in my head for him and emmet because it's fun. it interests me. i see cool potential in it. i enjoy it a lot. and while i don't think i ever portray volo super accurately, or even emmet for that matter, i still think i've come a long way since first finishing pla and ever looking at emmet/volo interactions. but regardless of all of that, that's the beauty of a ship of this nature. a ship that has absolutely no basis in canon. because it really can be anything you want it to be. it can be enemies to lovers, it can be more wholesome, it can be whatever. it's not locked into a specific dynamic because the characters have never officially met each other, let alone had a conversation. and even if that were the case... AUs are still a thing. :D

anyway that's pretty much all i had. just wanted to talk about it a bit because i've seen a recent uptick in people mentioning all of the hate and dislike for the ship etc and i dunno. i enjoy the ship a lot. it's just sad to see that there's still so much hate around it even though a lot of the content now is not like how it originally started. not from what i've seen, at least.

and while i don't expect anyone who hates it to ever warm up to it, i just wish it could be understood that the more toxic, unhealthy dynamic is not the basis of anymore. there are healthier portrayals of it now.

[schizosupport]

hello! i was wondering if i could get some advice. im a minor who isnt really able to get any sort of psychiatric aid or get any of my problems diagnosed but i think ive been struggling with delusions really badly lately. since i was a kid ive always been the sort to see stuff that isnt there and get phantom sensations of things grabbing me (which are inconvenient but ive learned to ignore them for the most part) but worse than that is ive always had a very intense fear/belief that like. the government was stalking me. or just of being stalked in general. i kind of forgot for a while because this sorta stuff comes and goes but when trump got almost shot my fbi delusion flared up HORRIBLY because i thought "people are talking about this>the fbi will see i follow them and Get me." i was terrified. i was kind of aware that i was being irrational and that it was probably a delusion but that knowledge didn't help at all. i think on top of that i may have some other mental health problems too like ocd or autism but im not in a situation where i can get professional help for it. any advice? ways to cope? ill tale anything lol. thank you so much for having this blog by the way, its very helpful for folks in my situation since its difficult to find clear accurate info sometimes.

Hi there! Sorry it's taken me quite a while to get back to you. I hope you are feeling better now, but I know there's a lot going on in the US politically, and I'm sorry it's triggering your delusions on top of just being generally stressful and scary.

I wish I had a package or pamphlet that I could share with people in your situation, there truly is a lack of coping resources geared at people who struggle with psychosis.

For me, having a community of like minded people helped a lot, it's one of the reasons why my schizotypy server is so important to me. If that's something you think might help you, you're welcome to send me a dm on @neuroglitch and I'll send you an invite to a discord server for people on the psychosis and schizo spec.

I also believe I've collected a few resources over the years, so if I can find a collection of them I'll edit it into this response later.

Best of luck!

[rickie-the-storyteller]

Get To Know My OC Tag!

This'll probably be the first of many since this was sooo much fun to do lol.

I was going to do this with Steph… but I felt more drawn towards El today for some reason. Probably because I've been editing a lot more of her scenes/chapters lately. So Elise, I choose you!

Thank you for tagging me, @gummybugg!

Let's begin!

__________

The door opens, and 18-year-old Elise Kennedy enters the room. She walks with graceful strides that indicates the quiet confidence she holds within her. She is a pretty girl - long wavy blonde hair styled in a messy bun, crystal clear blue eyes sparkling with joy and curiosity (despite being baggy from that high school stress and sleep deprivation), and a bright beaming smile that honestly does a better job of lighting up the room than my terrible cheap lamp does. She appears to be about 5'6, if I'm not wrong.

She extends a hand in greeting, radiating an immediate sense of warmth and sincerity. Her voice, I notice straight away is soft warm and gentle. It carries an undertone enough to put you at ease in an instant. Then she takes her seat.

I know I've only just met her, but she seems nice.

1) Are you named after anyone?

Elise: Uh, no. Not after a person, I don't think. Although, I do know how I got my name. My late grandmother was really into classical music, and she came up with the suggestion of "Elise" for me when I was born because one of her favourite pieces of music was "Für Elise" by Beethoven. When I was little, she actually taught me how to play it on the piano, too! That was a fun time… yeah. But to answer your question, no. Not that I know of.

2) When was the last time you cried?

Elise: I don't know… hmm, let me think. This is actually a deep question when you think about it.

Me: It is??

Elise: Wait! Do you mean, like proper crying? Bawling like a baby? Or do you mean like welling up, but not actually making a sound?

Me: Uh…

Elise: If you mean the first one, then probably last week. I was watching a really sad movie with my brother, and I just couldn't help it. If you mean the second one, then… I don't know. To be honest, it happens on a regular basis. So probably yesterday or something. I try not to be overly emotional all the time, but I'm a sensitive soul, what can I say? (pause) OH! I remember now!

Me: You do?

Elise: It was two weeks ago! Ok, let me explain - I have this friend who really loves music. His name is Bret, and something he likes to do as a hobby is write and produce his own songs, right? And two weeks ago, he sent me an email with a link to his SoundCloud. He posts all his songs there now, its amazing! Anyway, he asked me for feedback on the first song he uploaded on there. So I listened to it, and it made me cry. It was very deep and moving. I loved it… (laughs awkwardly) I feel like my answers are way too long, ha-ha! Sorry about that.

Me: Don't be sorry. This is good!

Elise: I'll send you a link to Bret's SoundCloud! You need to listen to it yourself, so you know what I'm talking about.

Me: Would your friend mind?

Elise: Uh… (pauses for a while to wonder whether or not Bret would actually mind) Probably not?

3) Do you have kids?

Elise: Uh, no. Nor do I want any - at least not right now. I'm still a school kid! (pause) I know I'm 18, so legally I count as an adult, but I still feel like a kid, honestly. And I think that just as a general rule, if you feel like a kid or act like a kid, you probably shouldn't raise a kid.

4) Do you use sarcasm?

Elise: (thinks for a moment, then nods) Yeah. Not as often as some people do, but sometimes it's just necessary, especially when you're dealing with difficult or incompetent people.

5) What's the first thing you notice about people?

Elise: I feel like I'm naturally quite good at reading people, you know? Like, even with people I don't know all that well, I can just look at them and have a good idea of how they're feeling, what their thinking, what they're like. And it's usually pretty accurate, as well. I'm quite intuitive in that sense. I think this is also the reason I connect well with others even if they're very different from me. Like, I'm an introvert, and I'm generally rather quiet and mind my own business most of the time, but quite a lot of my friends are super energetic extroverted people. I think its fun to be curious, you know? Like, taking the time to understand and empathise with a person. You form closer bonds with people that way.

6) What's your eye colour?

Elise: Blue! You see? (opens eyes wide so that I can see their colour)

7) Any special talents?

Elise: Hmm. I don't know if any of my talents count as "special" or anything. I have talents… like, back when I used to perform in my old choir, I was known for being able to hold notes for really, really long. My record back then was like 47 seconds. But it's been years since then, and I probably can't do it anymore. Anything else? (pauses to think for a second) Don't know whether this counts, but I'm really good at memorising things. My brother says I have a memory sharper than a katana… which I think says everything you need to know about him. (laughs) But like, to give an example, I can read a book and basically be able to quote it word for word afterwards. Or watch a show, and be able to recite every line in a given scene. It's quite helpful as a student, actually. Makes the studying process a bit smoother. Not that I don't work hard for my grades, because I do. I don't consider myself to be a mega-super-genius or anything.

8) Scary movies or happy endings?

Elise: Are you kidding me?! Happy ending all the way! I can't sit through a horror movie for the life of me. I hate scary stuff, I just don't like the feeling of terror. I don't get why some people actually like it. I mean some people have to like it, right? There has to be a reason that the horror genre has a market.

9) Where were you born?

Elise: Born and raised in London, baby!

10) What are your hobbies?

Elise: Reading, first of all. I love to read so much. I always have.

Me: What is the book you're reading currently?

Elise: Right now, I'm re-reading "Normal People" by Sally Rooney. It's so good, I highly recommend it. But aside from reading, I like music a lot. Not as much as Bret, but I love to play a bit of piano whenever I have the time, and I also love to sing still. Even though I'm not in my old choir anymore.

Me: Why did you stop if you clearly loved doing it?

Elise: (sighs) It was a toxic environment for me… I needed a break from some of those people. I don't really want to get into it.

Me: Ooookay… (slightly concerned)

11) Do you have any pets?

Elise: No, and I've always wanted one! (pouts) It didn't even matter what it was! My parents aren't about that, though. Ugh! (pause) Maybe in the future, I'll get a puppy. I love dogs so much!

12) What sports do you play/have played?

Elise: None. (laughs) I've never been a sporty person.

13) How tall are you?

Elise: Five foot five. And a bit, depending on what shoes I'm wearing.

14) Favourite subject in school?

Elise: These questions are getting harder… (laughs) I don't know what my favourite subject is. I like all my subjects… I chose four subjects I really enjoy for A level. English Lit, Politics, History and Textiles. I like all of them for different reasons. Even when I struggle with one of them, and it is my least favourite one day, I can't bring myself to hate it… and it ends up being my favourite subject the next day.

Me: Well, tell me why you like all of your subjects.

Elise: Ok! So English Lit is because I love literature, as you may have inferred before from what I said about reading… Politics is because I just find that aspect of the world interesting, you know? I mean, I never used to, but once I started taking this class, I just found it fascinating. Just seeing how that stuff works. History was my strongest subject back when I did my GCSEs, so I was like "I have to do it again next year!" And Textiles… I don't know, I just find it peaceful. It's a chill subject to balance out the crazy intense ones. (laughs again)

15) Dream job?

Elise: In my dreams, I have all kinds of different jobs. Just last night I had a dream that I was this therapist, right, and all of my friends from work were coming into my office to ask for help with their love lives, despite the fact that I literally have no dating experience and am therefore the least qualified person to ask for help in that department. Man… why would you even go to your therapist just to ask about your love life anyway? Is that the only thing in your life that's bothering you?! The ONLY thing?!

Me: …That's not what I meant.

Elise: Yeah, I know. I just wanted to talk about my weird dream for a second. I don't know what my dream job is. As a child, my dream job was to be an author, like Cressida Cowell. I used to love her books growing up. I wanted to write just like her… create this huge epic fantasy series… have that series get turned into movies… but I couldn't come up with any original ideas. So I gave up.

Me: Awww…

Elise: Oh, it's okay. I still write a bit sometimes for fun. But in terms of an actual career, I'm stuck between two things - a lawyer, and a journalist.

Me: Two completely different things.

Elise: Yep. Lawyer because it's something I've been working towards all my life, pretty much. I mainly did it because my parents always said that it's a promising career to have. But journalism is just so fascinating to me. It's like being a writer, except you don't need to come up with original ideas. Plus, you get to explore the world, discover exciting new people and places and cultures and events… and tell stories that don't often get heard. It's like the career was made for me!

Me: It does, doesn't it? Well, I'm sure you'll make the right choice for yourself. Thanks for coming, Elise. This has been fun.

Elise: Of course! Thank you for having me.

END OF INTERVIEW.

__________

This was so much fun! I want to make this an open tag, but I'll just tag these three people to give it a go as well:

@rubywrite

@soph1333

@winterandwords

[sig-nifier]

twenty questions for writers

thanks sm @swifty-fox for the tag!! i love things like this.

tagging @magneticghouls and @onyxsboxes and literally anyone who fancies it

how many works do you have on ao3?

33!

what's your total ao3 word count?

155,902

what fandoms do you write for?

whatever tf the current fixation is. i've written for rooster teeth, our flag means death, buzzfeed unsolved, masters of the air, the eternals, and challengers! currently got a slow horses fic in the works :))

top five fics by kudos

i like the way your words taste - a fluffy druig/makkari oneshot with 860

wild things - a western gale cleven/john egan au with 849

the art of consumption - a smutty art/patrick fic with 780

make you feel alive - another gale cleven/john egan oneshot with 633

hitchhikers - a serial killer ryan begara/shane madej au with 485 (the first multichapter fic i wrote that got me an audience it was wild)

do you respond to comments?

ofc! i try and respond to every single one with at least a thank you

what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

a fic called stay with me, which ended in MCD.

what is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i end most of my fics happily!

i think the happiest is probably wild things. everything works out for the better in that one

do you get hate on fics?

i dont! very grateful that everyones always so nice, makes me feel like the are you winning son meme

do you write smut?

i used to never write smut but something this year just had me writing so much of it and whilst it feels mostly awkward to write, people seem to like it!

craziest crossover?

i've never written any kind of crossover, and i don't like to read them either. i guess MOTA in the western genre is the closest i'll come.

have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of!

have you ever had a fic translated?

nope!

have you ever co-written a fic before?

also nope!

all time favorite ship?

ive been in fandoms since i was like 12, there's no way i can pick an all time favourite. it literally just depends on what im into at the time.

i really like inej/kaz from six of crows. i think scully/mulder is great. hannibal/will. ellie/dina. willem/jude.

off the top of my head i would say i'm most fond of the tenth doctor/rose. that one gets me.

what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i'm really starting to doubt my ability to finish seven miles out of freedom town. im gonna try my best but the hyperfixation has moved on and it feels more like a chore than something im enjoying rn. im really sorry to anyone that disappoints, it disappoints me too, cos wild things was genuinely some of the most fun i've ever had writing fic and interacting with a community. i'll try and get it finished, it might just take me a while.

what are your writing strengths?

i think im pretty good at dialogue, making it sound like something a real person would say.

i think im fairly decent at dramatic writing, at making things sound flowery and poetic and theatric. thats my favourite way to write.

dont think im too bad at characterisation most of the time.

what are your writing weaknesses?

i suck at worldbuilding. i think its boring and i dont care for it, i just want to write about the characters. planning bores me. i just write things and go back and fix inconsistencies later.

wild things is the most effort i've ever put into a world. i was googling locations like a mofo to make things accurate.

thoughts on dialogue in another language?

i think its great! one of my favourite fics has a character that speaks french and he uses it to tease other characters who don't know what he's saying. its done so beautifully.

first fandom you wrote in?

if we're talking actual first fandom it was probably one direction or creepy pasta when i was like 13.

the first fandom i ever wrote for seriously was buzzfeed unsolved in 2018.

favorite fic you've written?

im very proud of washed clean, an angsty oneshot about gale/john. i really like the writing in that one.

i dont think i can pick a favourite, i have like three. hitchhikers and the axeman of new orleans were my starting points and really showed me the joy of writing fic that other people were going to read. i had a lot of fun writing those and i love me some dark themes.

wild things consumed my every thought for like, the 11 days i was writing it. ive never been so obsessed with one of my own fics before, it still blows me away how well it was recieved and i met some great people through it so im eternally grateful for that.

yeehaw, y'all.

[kinblogging]

I've never talked to anyone whos otherkin or any kintype so sorry if my wording isn't very good or accurate or if this comes off as rude or something (that isn't my intention)

I wanted to ask what it was like before the release of the lightfury

I'm curious about how it must've felt before the hidden world and when you first saw a lightfury

Your question isn't rude at all, no worries! I've talked about this a while back but growing up I repressed basically every part of me that I deemed "cringe" including the fact that Im very much an alterhuman/kin/therian whatever word is more accurate. So it took a while for me to even click that Ah. I am this.

When I did, it was thankfully after the Light Fury had been released but beforehand, even as a wee child around the same year the first HTTYD came out (I was 8? I believe) I knew I was a Night Fury... but not quite. When playing with friends or imagining myself as a dragon I would always be a Night Fury but different. I'd be a golden Night Fury, a paler Night Fury I'd be smaller or bigger I could never agree with myself what I was supposed to look like, especially since I identified with a lot of different dragons later on (only two ever stuck, aha.)

When I first saw the Light Fury though, I was very much in the "if everyone online agrees its bad then it must be" mentality, as this was the 2019-2020 era where everything minor was cancellable and everyone was chronically online. I hated the Light Fury, genuinely. I even refused to watch the new movie.

Then I caught a clip on Youtube, I think it might have been the scene where Toothless finds her for the first time. Something just kind of clicked in my brain at that moment, and I was like, this is it!!! Her movements, her vocalization, everything about this creature was just right. Something with a Night Fury shape but not quite! It felt a little bit like oh! Of course. Especially after I watched the movie entirely (well, lets be honest, mostly the Light Fury scenes) it felt. Idk how to explain it exactly! Like smth was just unlocked to me.

Now, I really do not think this would have happened if the Light Fury had never been made public or if we had gotten some of the other... designs. But I also don't believe things like that just happen for no reason, so I guess maybe the stars aligned on this one... now if only they could align to make me a dragon instead of a human :/

[satsuha]

D V and Z for the ask game? :D

under the cut bc idk if this counts as ship hate and it got really long

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t.

hika ag... (not putting the eng ship name for search reasons) i already knew the devs were gonna push them the moment i saw the crossed paths illust released but ultimately it felt disappointing to me in the game orz i already don't like the feeling when a certain ship is being pushed if they aren't going to go the whole mile and make it canon but in a game like octopath where the protags have such minimal interaction i don't like that it feels like these two got special attention (they have the most banters together tied with thro/oche) and yet their interactions aren't.... interesting....! some of hikari's story banters with her literally feel like he could be talking to a random npc instead and the things hikari says in agnea's story ring very hollow to me 😞 given like the fact that they both lost their mothers, illusts show hikari dancing with her or playing the flute (even the lyre in a concept art draft), it's disappointing to me that their ingame banters don't touch on this at all... complained about their crossed paths story another time but honestly for all this complaining i don't hate them i just feel very disappointed and sort of like they wasted their interactions together ngrhg

V - Which character do you relate to most?

KINDA dungeon meshi spoilers... completely off topic from what i usually talk about but i like marcille's character arc and her goals arising from her fear of being left behind. i'm gonna keep things vague since dunmeshi just got an anime and is getting bigger and also since i don't want to go too deep into why i relate to her but stories about learning to value the time you have with friends while knowing it will end one day (frieren is another obvious one) are very close to me

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go!

sorry when you say ramble i think it will always be complaining-adjacent with me but after playing agnea ch3 with english voices i got so surprised at the difference between eng and jp giselle that i got compelled to make a comparison of it and it JUST... makes me so sad that certain chars will be more likely to be overlooked or overshadowed, even liked/disliked depending on localization efforts o<-< i know it's unrealistic to ask people to play in multiple languages bc that isn't feasible for everybody but honestly it's jarring sometimes how different certain characters or scenes can come off as... i struggle with interacting in fandom spaces bc i don't always agree with english localizing efforts (and i get it, it really is a difficult job and by no means do i think they did a BAD job at it most of the time) but because so many people who will interact with my posts have only been exposed to that version, i'll feel very... alienated?? by some interpretations that i see. but i mean ultimately interpretation is more subjective and i think localization only nudges you to one side or another, so i still just do the same as i would do otherwise and find people whose content i enjoy... that was a lot of rambling but did you know that in hikari's ch2 banter with castti the english changed his lines quite a bit ?? i've already talked about how i think eng hikari is more expressive in his voice acting but i think it's something that was present in the text first and i... AM VERY MIXED about it bc i do think it works Really nicely in certain scenes, but i still like how restrained jp hikari sounds because i think it suits him more... anyway this is just a small snippet of the kind of thing i think about when looking at localization like in the end it's just Different versions, i guess i do look at the original jp version as more accurate to the creators' intentions but i think having an "official" interpretation in english can be nice and valuable in its own right.. if i didn't think so i just wouldn't play these games in english at all lmao (by comparison i don't play korean games in english bc at least the ones i've gotten into don't have great localizations so i don't think it adds much merit)

crying the last one is so long but you asked me to ramble 😭 LMAO... but ty for leaving an ask!

alphabet asks

[woozapooza]

Christopher's death was inevitable the second Tony learned about his drug use, Adrianna was the final nail in the coffin (i would argue her death was that final nail not just for Chris but for every character in the series esp Tony and Carm, that was the point none of them could come back from), ever since that it was just a waiting game really for what excuse Tony would use for it, there are several points throughout season 6 that ring the death knell on this relationship/character, the first one that comes to mind is Chrissy's daughter's christening, their faces while Chickentown was playing, they knew then it wouldn't end well, and obviously there's the entirety of Walk Like a Man which you could argue is actually the episode where Tony both grieved Chris and made the unconscious decision to kill him..this is all not mentioning the fact that Tony's paranoia, resentment and bitterness has only escalated by every episode in 6b, he's only recently seriously contemplated killing Paulie,obv it's all up to interpretation but I thought it was the perfect ending for the culmination of this relationship and Christopher's character, the calm intentional ruthlessness of it all, the pathetic nature of it (Chase is the king of anticlimax), Comfortably Numb playing in the background (perfect for Chris), the final unveiling of Tony's rotten soul (or lack thereof more accurately)

Sorry for rambling lol, I just think both this scene and whole episode while certainly difficult are some of most masterful Chase has ever done and wanted to offer a different perspective, the trip to Vegas with the dream sequences, that final scene, its just all so good

All excellent points! I had been thinking about some of this already, but some of it hadn't occurred to me at all. For example it hadn't occurred to me to see the episode where Tony considers killing Paulie (which, while shocking and upsetting, still felt completely organic to me) as foreshadowing him killing Christopher. You're totally right that there is quite a bit of groundwork laid for it. I'm still not 100% sold on that groundwork leading to this result, but like I said in my other post, I suspect that has more to do with me missing and/or forgetting stuff than with the actual show. It also probably has a lot to do with the incorrect expectations I had about how it would all play out. I was looking for hints at what I thought would happen. When I rewatch I'll be looking for hints at what actually happens, so it'll almost certainly make more sense the second time through.

Also, I think in the immediate aftermath of the episode, it was hard for me to disentangle two different kinds of disbelief: the "huh, I don't quite see how Tony to this point" kind and the "oh my god, I know he's dead but I'm in shock and it doesn't feel real" kind. Basically, one kind that's about the lead-up and one that's about the aftermath. The latter kind of disbelief is what makes the episode so brilliant. With previous character deaths, I felt like they were actually dead. With Christopher, it still hasn't sunk in. It's one of the only TV episodes I've ever seen that successfully conveyed the actual feeling in the wake of a sudden death. (The only other episode I can think of that pulled that off is in s4 of Succession. I don't want to spoil it, but if you've seen the show you know what I'm talking about.) Ironically, it's the very surreality of it that makes it feel so real.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

[purgemarchlockdown]

hello i've been reading your blog for a good while and i love it!!

i've been relistening Magic right now and. does the moment when Rioyne appears sounds similar... to a Cat?? it'll more accurate to say that Cat sounds like this one piece of Magic.

and it just. blows my mind.

because firstly - the connect to fakeness.

the falling stage light is out of place , it is fake, and the whole of Cat is being a total BS about marriage. also they got more of... jazz sound? which was considered the "devil's music". the themes of temptation and desire and sin...

secondly - the lyrics at that moment are

"But it's not scary at all, because it's love

I can really think it's great"

oh yes lying to yourself about your actual opinion about the love you've been given in your life and wanting to lie further and further.

and thirdly - it is Riyone who appears. her punishment is the taser. and lyrics are talking about "love" out of all things and acceptance of it. and do we remember the t2 interrogation?

"Did you love the person you killed?"

"I loved them"

and the blank list for Kazui.

if we see similarities of Rioyne and Amane's mother... why don't we take further?

Riyone and Hinako share the same color in retrospective MVs: pink. It represents different meanings however the main one is the same to Amane and Kazui - love. they (not Riypne but Amane's mother) are both are the ones who "loved" those two but ended up "killed" because of that.

in Kazui's case - he lied about being in love with her. Hinako loved him, he her, and she was killed by "doing the right thing".

in Amane's case - she lied about being a good girl. Her mother "loved" her (putting her through trials), she her, and mother was killed by "doing the right thing".

i'm sorry if it doesn't make sense outside of my head but i'm just... woah... connections...

Glad you like the blog! The Kazui-Amane connections are a hell of a lot of fun and it's super cool to find more stuff about it!

First of all: Did not know about the devil's music thing! That's fantastic to learn about, will keep that in mind.

Though I think it's less that part of Magic specifically and Cat that are similar, and more Cat and Magic are similar.

Both Cat and Magic are Shows, where Cat is trying to keep up the Image ideal heterosexual relationship as best as it can even though it's becoming clearer and clearer that he Can't, and Magic is trying to keep up the ideal reality of the happy cheery cult where Amane...still cant be a good girl but is treated with mercy and compassion and the idea of good girl is treated as achievable goal and not a Arbitrary Concept that She Can Never Reach.

Their both very much pretending this is what they want and maybe to some extent they do wish they both could be "normal" and accept this but they can't, they just can't.

(Half and Purge March are also performances in a sense actually, though Purge March kinda bleeds so hard into reality that it becomes hard to distinguish between what is real and what is fiction- its a whole thing.)

I'm never fucking normal about the stagelight because it's such a clever little detail, everyone (including me) thought it was Real since it looked So Real but now with Purge March its becoming more and more likely that the stagelight is Just a metaphor.

Except it was Never Really Lying to you, it wasn't a trick, it was the stagelight. The thing that lit the show, it was always part of the visual identity of Magic. It falling just forces you (and Amane) to remember that this place is a Set.

There's not really any equivalent to the stagelight in Cat, mostly cause Kazui knows he's lying but also cause Kazui realizes Gradually that no, he really can't keep this act up for long.

I dont really know about Hinako and Amane's mother, at least color wise. Mostly cause I always associate Hinako in the purple outfit she's in, though when I was cecking she is depicted with pink in a few shots

(If were assuming pink is Hinako in the first shot)

Though the love thing is a very fun parallel of their crimes though, Kazui telling the truth (doing the right thing) leading to Hinako's death/Amane punishing her mother (doing the right thing) and killing her...fun times there.

(Sorry if this seems Super Messy I am So Very Tired at the moment)

[mazamba]

Sari flinched on contact, but did not let go of the book she'd just pulled out of the plastic sleeve.

To be more accurate, her left servo suddenly locked up and refused to release the book, disregarding all of the commands her processor sent to it.

"Soundwave? If this is you again, I'm donating you to a church!"

Rather than respond to her threat, her servo opened into its ten finger configuration and opened the book to a blank page.

Hello?

Sari blinked and tilted her head when words appeared on the page.

Can anyone hear me? Er, read me?

She blinked and her palm began glowing blue, hunting for whatever gadget was doing this.

Whoa! What's that!? Cut it out!

The glowing stopped and Sari frowned. She hadn't meant to stop. She started scanning the book again.

I said, quit it!

Ice suddenly traveled up her hand. Thinking quickly, she pressed a nerve notch on her elbow and disconnected the limb.

...Did you just cut your own arm off? Wtf.

"What the frag am I talking to?" she asked herself.

Rude. Name's Danny and, as you can see, I'm trapped in this book.

"Right, and I'm the Princess of Venus," scoffed Sari as she picked up her arm, which was still frozen to the book, "can I have my hand back?"

Right. Sorry your highness.

"I will dog-ear all your pages."

I'll be good.

The arm thawed off and released the tome, allowing her to reinstall it.

So, what was that exactly? It felt like you took your arm off and put it back on?

"I'm half cybertronian," she replied, "and what do you mean it "felt" like I took my arm off?"

Our souls are linked, so I have a general feeling about what goes on with you. What's a cybertronian?

"Robotic species from planet Cybertron," she replied, "also, what do you mean our souls are linked? I don't have a soul."

It took a moment for Danny to respond.

I really want to ask about you being part alien, but I'm a little concerned about the soul thing.

"I don't have a soul," she explained, "I have a spark. Different thing."

Different... how?

"I dunno, people are still processing that souls are real and that cybertronians have technology that can see them," scoffed Sari, making herself comfortable by sitting down cross-legged on her bed where she could read the book propped on her pillow, "but yeah, turns out souls and sparks are different things."

Ok, I can accept that. How about the whole half Cybertronian thing? Did your dad or your mom...? Y'know.

"Cybertronian's are robots," she replied, "they don't reproduce like that."

Then how...?

"Well you see, when two cybertronians love each other very much-."

Ok, maybe I don't need to hear this.

"-they go to city hall and file a request for a mentorship permit. If approved, they get a fresh protoform with a blank spark six to seven megacycles later."

...So they come out of a factory.

"Robots are built, not born. I'm just made out of meat and metal."

Gross... So more Terminator, less Robocop?

"Exactly. What about you? What are you?"

Well, I'm a guy trapped in a book.

"Come on, I was honest," she groaned, "now it's your turn."

Fiiiiine. I'm a ghost. Well, half ghost.

"Half? How does that work?"

I didn't die all the way. I don't know how else to explain it, that's just what happened.

"Ok, not the weirdest thing," she figured, "how long have you been in there?"

I dunno? A while? I can't see and time doesn't pass when the pages are closed.

"Well, when did you go into the book?"

May 3, 2006. I'd just turned seventeen, that's how I remember.

"Wait, you've been trapped in there for-?" she stopped herself as she realized who she was talking to, "You're Danny Phantom."

You've heard of me?

"Heard of you? I wrote my history paper on you!" she replied, "And you've been missing since 2006. You were in here this whole time."

I'm trying not to freak out, but you're making it sound like I've been in here for a very long time.

Difficult subject.

"Wellll."

How long?

"I mean, time is relative, right? Who can say-?"

What year is this?

Sari paused, a frown on her face.

Please.

"My name is Sari Sumdac," she sighed, "I was born on the year twenty-one thirty, and I'm sixteen years old."

The pages stayed blank.

"Danny?"

I've been stuck in here for a hundred and forty years?

"I'm sorry Danny. If there's anything I can do-?"

Can I have a moment.

Please?

Sari nodded, "I'll put you-."

Please don't close the book.

I don't want to lose any more time.

She put him on her desk and stood back.

"I'll make sure this book is never closed again," she promised, "not until we can get you out."

Prompt:

Danny gets trapped in a spellbook. He binds himself to whoever touches him next. The only way to release the bind is by either freeing Danny or doing so many things the book says (which the book is blank and Danny can control what is in it). Shenanigans

[littlelambdrgnfly]

Ok since you reblogged that one post I hope you know I reread The Sum of Them for the 3rd time, maybe like a month ago, up until the last chapter and i never finished it cause i didnt want to experience it ending again (if that makes sense), i wish it never ended. I wish they could play baby games forever but its so important it does end because the ending is soo beautiful but so devastating, and it's beautiful because its so devastating, and my heart cant take experiencing that again :'-(

i already sent a message on here saying that your fic was the first fic to make me cry, possibly the first piece of LITERATURE in general to make me cry (i could be wrong but i cant remember any piece before that), and it made me cry 2 times when reading it for the first time. It is truly my favorite piece of McLennon fanfiction, but the only reason i dont fully consider it mine is that if someone were to ask me, it'd be too taboo/freaky to say but its truly one of the most heartfelt and complex ways ive ever seen anyone portray John and Paul while also feeling completely accurate and realistic. My god. And i love so many of your other fics too but The Sum of Them really means so much to me and I cant even say that enough. i wish you could just live as me and be inside my mind to fully grasp how much of an affect it had on me, I dont think i will ever be able to explain it sadly </3. But just know out of every McLennon fic ive ever read (and ive read many), THAT one is my very favorite out of like 100+. The way you characterize them is just so completely different from any other fic ive read and its so intimate and raw and holy shit i dont even have the words. Sorry i know im rambling at this point but I just think about it a lot! Also your fics are the only fics i enjoy anymore, (recent) beatles fics have gone down the drain in my opinion and yours are the only ones i can be satisfied with because, as far as im concerned, anything you write is automatically in-character for them after reading The Sum of Them lol x) thank you so SO much for writing cause it's truly exposed so many of my own desires and hidden , sensitive parts of myself that couldn't be excavated any other way without your work 💖

Dude... this is legitimately one of the best comments I've ever gotten. I wish I could memorize all of this and replay it for myself whenever I'm feeling blue. Thank you so so much, it means the world to me! I think all writers insert their own thoughts and emotions into their work, and I definitely do that in all of mine, but especially The Sum of Them. This fic is basically my wishlist of things I would do with a partner, as well as coming to better terms with my own kinks, so I'm glad it's been able to resonate with people. I'm also glad that I managed to keep John and Paul in character, even if John is crying every other paragraph lmao! I totally get what you're saying about wishing I could experience what you did, I wish I could too. Sometimes I reread my fics with the mindset of someone reading it for the first time, but it's just not the same. I'd give my left tit for more writers on my level or higher who wrote bottom!John or even ABDL fics, I swear. I don't read a lot of fics these days, but I'm usually disappointed whenever I check the Beatles tab. I'm also really really bad at remembering titles and author names, so I never remember what fics that I like! Thank God for bookmarks. I definitely understand not wanting to tell people that this is your favorite fic though, lol! I've been writing Beatles fics for a long time, but I created a new account on AO3 when I started writing these fics. I'm comfortable talking about this stuff, but only with the help of an alternate profile. I'm really really happy to help people explore this side of themselves though-- too often fics like mine are just really gross over-the-top and completely unrealistic portrayals in my opinion, and I guess I wanted to bring something sweeter and more realistic to the table. <3

[haniehae]

what would your moots be like as idols?

Hi anonie! Thanks for sending this hehe This was hard but really fun! So I basically did this as if we were all in the same group to be a lil easier ><

@scoupsy - Dreamy

She's the protective member, super talented and cares about everyone! Everyone loves her! Very outgoing and lovely!

Position: Leader, Rap?

@xuseokgyu - Belle

The mom of the group, always taking care of everyone and everything but also a goofy ball! She's clumsy and cute and everyone loves her!

Position: Vocal

@woozi - Yza

The variety show member, she's in everything and can play/do anything! Very energetic and loved by everyone!

Position: Rap??

@ohoshi - Cora

Like dino and hoshi she's mainly a dancer but she's good at everything she tries! The Ace of the group. I feel like she would also scream her own Horanghae at everyone hehe

Position: Dancer

@soonhoonsol - Chey

Kinda quiet at interviews but chaotic around the members! She also has a lot of other idol friends! That member that is so precious that you want to protect!

Position: Vocal? Rap?

@yoonzinoswife - Mina

The chaotic member that everyone loves! Loves the game nights and can play anything!

Position: Dancer or maybe Rap?

@soonshuas - N

The quiet member that everyone wants to protect! She's always helping everyone! And is very caring with the other members!

Position: Vocal

@chilligyu - Lex

The creative/aesthetic member who knows how to do anything! Just like minghao and mingyu!

Position: Dance?

@starlightjoong - Sol

The other variety member! Knows the tea about everyone! Very chaotic but everyone loves her!

Position: Vocal, Dancer?

@gyukwans - Lee

The energetic maknae that does a lil bit of everything and its good at everything! You never know what she's gonna show every comeback!

Position: Maknae, Rap?

[anonymoustunedpiano]

Thank you firstly so much for answering. i should have been more specific yeah, sorry. I did research fictionkin for the year (bonus, i identified (identify? i'm on the fence at the moment) as therian for four years, five now technically. anyway, i did do a lot of research on fictionkin and hover around 'kin spaces for a long while.

i do think you're right in that my (autistic) hyperfixations play some large part in this. i just hate it and wish i had both a better way to manage it and ignore it. It isn't that i see things in whatever character it is that i can identify in myself. For background info, i've always had quite a hyperactive imagination. that applies to my dreams as well, and how it first started was in my dreams i was physically whichever character it was at the time. (it's not a long list; maybe five tops.) Anyway. i had/have very vivid dreams that are usually in that character's universe, as that character in HIGH detail. Im talking ive had dreams where ive literally walked up to mirrors and seen the character's accurate frown lines and whatnot. And (usually) in these dreams I don't remember anything about my (real) self. Sometime's it'll feature other characters from the same canon and i interact with them as the character (i) am in that dream, even if it isn't how (i) would act irl. At first it was really surprising and jarring (still is. especially when it's a character i haven't been in a dream before) And after a while it leaks? into my waking hours. usually as you said, i adapt parts of their personality or even simple dislikes and likes. It's genuinely irritating. I have an inner monologue as well, which I think is pretty common, except sometime's i'll hear it in the voice of whichever character is most bothersome (i'll use bothersome because its the most apt word at the moment) at the time. All in all, it is something i try to ignore most of the time, and it varies in strength? sometimes ill go a few days where every single night it's those vividly irritating dreams.

one other thing i'd like to mention is that it's also changed my perception of my own gender and what have you else. Previously i've never questioned my gender, because i've always felt comfortable as my assigned gender, but after several of these dreams, physically being in those characters bodies and minds (or at least, that's how it feels.) it feels odd and almost dysphoric. Especially since the character's (at least the two right now. One is new and the other is the one that kickstarted the whole thing that- i thought was a phase. it's been 11 months and kicking. yes i am pissed off.) one is bodily a woman and the other is male. (Bit odd sometimes, especially since the newer one is a male character) i do hope it's just a long lasting phase and not something that will continue through the next few years. The stupidest things will trigger an "episode" too. The one i've been trying to cut off entirely (the 11 months and going on 12) ive cut all media of off, but even things like familiar shoes or clothing will set off this weird feeling. Best i can describe is suddenly zoning out? like, feeling quite distant all of a sudden. Anyway. if any ex-kin have any helpful information i am looking for any. I'm not looking for fictionkin/otherkin hate. I'm genuinely looking for people who did identify and stopped, and their advice. Thank you, again. :] I hope this isn't too confusing to read

made an anonymous account to write this stuff because I don’t want to use my main blog. But uh

I want to talk to my therapist about my experience with (as?) fictionkin. More so about how much I hate it but that’s beside the point. Almost a year ago exactly I started using the label ‘fictionkin’ because it is what fit best at the time (still haven’t found anything else) but I hated fictionkin. I was anti fictionkin for the longest time and then I realised why and I was even more so for a period of time. I’m also autistic, and I think that may have a part to play, but I’m really sick of not being able to watch or consume any media without it crawling into my mind like some sort of parasite. I would love to be able to watch movies and shows without waking up five days later feeling the familiar dread that is “oh crap, why have my ideals and entire fucking personality traits shifted overnight.” I hate it. Haven’t brought it up to my therapist because I honestly don’t know how she’d take it but it really irritates me. I only just managed to cut off one of the ones that most affected me over the longest period of time, and that was only by removing any media surrounding that character. But I still feel like it’s going to creep back up the moment I let my guard down. I don’t even know if this is fictionkin but it’s the only label I found that kind of suited the situation. Uh. If anyone has any tips that’d be nice! ( because I thought I’d quelled this habit for good but another one has started showing up in my dreams and the cycle is starting again help I don’t want to go through identity confusion again.)

[deathwishdaydream]

Dear Universe, Up Yours!

Chapter 1

"Now, for the first time, he's seeing that there really is a way out of this, and it's all so simple. You don't have to run away. You just meet somebody special and step sideways into a parallel universe."

-Irvine Welsh, Skagboys

 

 

 

I never found anybody interesting in my life. I've never succumbed to the tedium of this place. I always felt out of place, but that was probably because everyone else was so dead. And I dreaded the realization that I'd stay here forever.

"And then," My mind seemingly brought itself back inside of the desolate, sterile classroom as the science teacher, Mr. Bradford spoke, "The swab would turn into a light pink color because blood contains hemoglobin, which would assist the peroxide in reacting with the hydrogen in phenolphthalein, turning into water. The decreased hydrogen form of phenolphthalein would then make it turn pink, revealing that it is indeed blood. But if it wasn't blood and just looked like it could have been, then no reaction would occur and the swab would stay its natural color."

I literally have no idea what the fuck is going on.

We completed a lesson earlier than expected, so the class decided that, with the remaining time of the period, they wanted to learn something of forensic science. Though actually, it was the teacher who decided, because nobody really reacted when he offered the knowledge. This made me miserably realize how long an hour really is. While this happened, I fiddled with a piece of lead from my mechanical pencil, rubbing it between my fingers to see the shiny gray chaos appear on my fingertips, then breaking it into smaller pieces or crushing them instead of paying attention. The graphite made a horrific, powdery mess on the light brown surface of the glossy wooden table. The teacher, with his small rectangular glasses, always had the worst monotone voice that could get the whole class to drop dead asleep. His hair was mostly gray, flooding all the young, auburn strands, but he wasn't too old. He always wore the same boring polos in different colors every week with pants that have always been the same color every single day. I'd say the students in this class are worse, though. Nobody talks or pays attention. It was fucking stupid. I wish I could just stand up from my seat and leave out the door. Science is my least favorite class out of all of mine. And I hate all of my classes, so that says a lot. It was no exaggeration. It was boring and the students were boring, the teacher was boring. Everything that has anything to do with my school is boring, really. It was all so pathetic.

I heard the cheap bell ringing, and all the students stood up from their chairs in unison, as if they were some fucking cult, and then the teacher, drowned out by all the students speaking, reminded them to do homework and other useless things that they're probably not going to do. I stacked my notebook and papers, putting them in my bag that I had thrown over my shoulder after. Walking out of the classroom with all the students brutally crowding towards the door as if that bell had been a fire alarm instead, I accidentally bumped into my lab partner, Gerard Way, and muttered a quick "sorry" as I got out of the classroom to the hallway. I didn't really know him that well or paid much attention to him at all, being someone who sat next to him since the beginning of the year. Which actually had just been a month. There would be times when he'd try to talk to me about the work but that was pretty much it. He had pale skin, black messy hair, and brown eyes, I believe. He was a regular teenage boy that I had to sit next to in science class and was very quiet and reserved.

[ "I Died Inside"  by Lesley Gore playing]

As I walked into the hallway, it was narrow and cramped, swarmed with roaring, energetic bags of hormones. It was probably a better way to describe "high school students" here; it was a more accurate description, as someone who observes things a lot. I felt myself being viciously pushed around and shoved from every angle, but I kept my head forward, walking straight ahead, as my peripheral vision caught paper airplanes flying across the hallway.

I never interacted with anyone at all. I don't think it was because I was repulsive. Nobody can judge that because nobody had spent a whole day with me in conversation. I never made friends, I didn't want to. It was hard to, anyway. It's not that I was purposefully isolating myself from everybody in the first place, or trying to be different and "mysterious." I'm convinced everyone is either dead or tries too hard to be part of the television clichés that it was useless to really speak to anybody. Maybe being impatient myself was a flaw nobody would want to deal with. So nothing really mattered. I made no effort to make friends with anyone. And it's been like that since freshman year. After all, I'm just another immature, shit seventeen-year-old.

[ "I Died Inside"  muffled]

Soon, as the crowd gradually began to simmer down, I found my locker and exchanged a few things from my backpack for next class. I can't believe that having to go through the crowd of students took most of passing period. It's always been short, anyway. I don't really know why. For being a public school, it's really trying to avoid the high school clichés. We barely had time for anything.

Once I was done, I slammed the locker closed and went off to next period.

[ "I Died Inside"  stops playing]

Nothing important occurred ever at all. It was the same routine, and the only change that happened was the units and lesson topics, changed seatings, and so forth. It wasn't only at school, either. Every day was the fucking same. Everything was fucking boring. Staying home on weekends and after school, doing absolutely nothing, waiting until the scintillating sunlight leaked from the half-closed blinds in my room to fade away to nighttime again. I'd kill to have a life that wasn't this. I felt like a zombie, really, and I think everyone else was too. Just mindlessly bumping into things in front of them because of their diminutive brain. It was like everyone in this town was a walking corpse. I fucking hated it all.

I found my way inside the math classroom and dropped my backpack on the floor beside my chair, sitting down at my desk, my palms on the cold, wooden surface of the table. I heard strewn chattering from the kids all around me and the teacher was just at her large box computer, going to the front of the class afterward.

She told us simply to get out our textbooks and I did so, flipping around random pages until she'd tell us which page we really should have been on. As I nonchalantly flipped through, I saw some indolent sketches and doodles on the sides that I drew from other times.

And even the drawings were fucking boring.

Suddenly, my head popped up briskly from looking down at the book as I heard the sound of the door opening. The door was really old, so it made a squeaky shrill every time it was opened or closed. At the door was the boy from science, my lab partner, Gerard. The class had just gone mute as they all stared at him in extreme disdain. Gerard didn't go to math this period, so that was probably why everyone was acting so strange about him. It was too incongruously strange, in fact, which was another perceptible flaw of this town. He gulped as he noticed all the eyes scornfully watching him and then quickly turned to the teacher, giving her some sort of paper and an orange envelope underneath it.

"From the front office," he said in a raspy voice, crucially tearing the nasty silence. The room was so quiet that if he spoke once more, I'd be hearing an echo. His voice sounded really dry, and I think it was because he hadn't spoken in a long time and never cleared his throat before. This made his tone sound a bit deeper than usual, as it always was a bit more high-pitched. The teacher, Ms. Lewis, held the items and muttered a thanks, the slight sound of paper being rubbed against paper filling the room. Gerard finally cleared his throat and nodded, leaving the room and shutting the door behind him. She took out a paper from the envelope, skimmed it, then put it back in, placing it and the other paper that was separate from it, on her desk.

But after he left, a few students started to talk with each other and it got to a point it was deafening until the teacher spoke loudly about, I don't know, the page number and how the boy leaving the classroom wasn't an invitation to start talking again.

Gerard was a peculiar boy. He wasn't interesting though, like how the rest of the people here weren't either. Again, I never thought of anybody as interesting in my life at all. Maybe because I didn't care enough. But he was in fact, peculiar. He stood out from the other kids, well, from my view, and he was tremendously soundless as if he had just been tranquilized. It was like he was in a shell that had a small opening and just a few cracks so that people could properly hear him whenever he merely spoke.

Math ended after an agonizingly lengthy 85 minutes. I'm surprised I'm receiving okay grades because I actually don't do much. I don't really think the teachers here care about their job too much, so they just grade whatever. That's my theory, at least. After this period, it was lunch, and everyone left in a whole scramble by the door, again.

[Verse 1 of  "DemiRep"  by Bikini Kill playing]

I'm not a fan of the school lunch. I never was. Who would be, anyway? It was always so stale and never tasted right. Once I have gone to the cafeteria and retrieved a tray with the deplorable meal on it, I sat at an empty table, observing every other one that was full of people laughing and chatting. I then opened the small carton of chocolate milk and inserted those small straws they would give us. I brought it up to my mouth and sipped it, placing it back on the tray afterward.

I was just about to take a bite out of my sandwich until I jumped, alarmed by the sudden sound of a tray full of school lunch falling flat beside mine. Someone then sat down on the bench next to me. It was Gerard. He faced me.

[ "DemiRep"  muffled]

"Hey," I greeted quietly.

He cleared his throat, and thank god for that. "Hey."

[ "DemiRep"  stops playing]

As I started to eat, he took off his black backpack and put it on the bench next to him, zipping it open and taking out a paper packet. He placed it on the table and slid it in my direction, clearing his throat again to speak. "You dropped this at the end of science," he mumbled.

I put the sandwich back on the tray and idly scanned the snobby paper. My name was on the top in my handwriting, along with some more stupid doodles I did out of boredom. The packet was some kind of introduction to some crappy project.

I wasn't a very rude person, though. At least just when someone approaches me for something simple. "Thanks," I muttered, grabbing my backpack and shoving the packet inside.

I kept eating in complete silence, despite all the surrounding students conversing and laughing with each other, and Gerard was just eating beside me. And I think this allowed me to pay more attention to his appearance. He had thick, wavy dark strands that were nearly black. And to be completely honest, it appeared a bit greasy, but it was his whole style and had fit him very well. It was kind of weird to think further into it. He had a few thin, long bangs that would sometimes go over his face, but not too much. You couldn't really tell which way his hair was parted, maybe a little to the side. It was so messy that it looked neat and natural, if that made any sense. He had soft pale skin, it was probably a pale ivory. There were fainted, small freckles painted around his rounded face, but maybe only if you look close enough. The roundness of his jaw made him look really innocent and sweet. That there was no way he could have committed any sin in his life at all. He was sort of like a baby, but one that loved listening to Carrie Brownstein and Pulp. Well, that was one of the few things I knew about him: having a passionate fondness for Britpop. He possessed hazel irises that would have a greener tint in the light and brown when it's dark. I wasn't really sure how to explain it. His eyelashes were dark and pretty long. They looked nice. He looked like somebody you wanted to be ridiculously careful with because of fragile he appeared. I guess I never really realized how soft he seemed.

"Do you like eating here alone?" he said abruptly, breaking the silence and my train of thought, which made me lightly jump. His voice was delicate too when I thought more about it.

To answer his question, I liked the silence, really. It allowed me to contemplate more instead of being interrupted by someone asking multiple questions like a fucking cop interrogating me. Being lonesome just felt right; I didn't have to deal with any bullshit.

I swallowed the bite of the sandwich I chewed in my mouth and turned my head to look at him. "Yes."

"Can I ask why?" I would be complaining about how nosy he seemed, but I guess that's a way of someone trying to start a conversation. They always ended up in me repelling whoever tried to talk to me, though. But I thought I'd answer his question anyway so it would conceivably lead to that.

"I don't like when other people are around. It gives me a... weird feeling..." I began. There was a short pause. "I hate having to give an effort to either look at a person and tell them to shut the fuck up and leave me alone at lunch. I just want to be alone in peace and eat without any interruptions. A lot of people started to figure that out here, I guess, which is why they don't approach me anymore. I hate when people would just sit there, expecting me to say something to them when I don't want to say anything," I explained concisely as Gerard raised an eyebrow in disarray. "Now..." I began. "Shut the fuck up... and leave me alone..." I paused. "Please?"

[ "I Wonder Why"  by Dion & The Belmonts playing]

I knew he didn't deserve that. I knew I had just acted like a total asshole right now. He didn't even speak enough to be shut up. There was something about always rejecting people who would try to talk to me when I was busy. I would get annoyed easily and angry. But I knew that Gerard didn't deserve that. I guess I never felt guilty about it until he had approached me. It was weird.

He smiled slightly and put his arms down, reaching for his milk carton and opening it. He drank some and put it back on the table, wiping his mouth with his jacket sleeve. "Okay."

He didn't smile in an embarrassed way like how other people would react when I'd tell them that. Instead, it was a smile of amusement. Kind of like he was entertained. Did he want this reaction? Or did he just think it was funny?

He stood up and grabbed his tray, walked to another table far from the one I sat at, and started to eat. As time passed and I ate, I would see him get a glance in my direction. Each time I would take bites out of my sandwich or drink my milk, I'd look up to see Gerard looking at me, and then he'd quickly look back at his lunch tray. I tended to ignore it. I could feel his eyes on me. Maybe he hated me now or thought something else of me. To think about it, I surprisingly did the more talking this time compared to the other times someone would try to talk to me during lunch. They would always talk more and point out how lonely I was. It was pretty weird...

Gerard is interesting... Peculiar, as well as interesting.