#sorry if this is a lot of inane rambling i just like

[fabdante]

honestly ok im not done with this asdfghjk and im not making it it's own post so i can open myself up to argument. i don't feel like i've read the book enough times to really make an argument that isn't a lot of rambling, you know?

but like i went into wuthering heights aware some people theorized heathcliff being brown. it was one of the many straws that broke the camels back for me. i found this intriguing.

i did not anticipate that it was just a legit piece of canon that is brought up incredibly often that large swaths of people just ignore (or worse, argue vehemently against) because he himself does not state clearly and with certainty his ethnicity, a thing that would not happen in the narrative because its not even in his perspective. on the contrary the novel is, largely, in the perspective of people who don't particularly care to find out what heathcliffs race actually is because they are just satisfied knowing he is other. i don't think it occurred to nelly once that he, perhaps, had his own culture and language before being taken here and that he is aware he's not the son of indian and chinese royalty. she doesn't ask. neither does lockwood.

however, i thought about this a lot. and it's under the cut

disclaimer: i've only read wuthering heights once and while i am sure it has entered my yearly reread list (which will only deepen my thoughts and analysis), this is literally just my impressions after my first reading of the book. some things may be misremembered, or perhaps further mused on upon a reread. some things i would have liked more specifics, if this was a real essay (like the exact number of times heathcliff is suggested to be romani, or how often he's compared to animals vs how often everyone else is). this is a post i wrote over the course of several weeks on tumblr.com and it reads like one.

we are confronted with numerous characters assuming what race heathcliff is and its usually not white, and it's certainly ethnicities that would be other to the people around him.

like its baffling to me how much of this conversation is taken up by the hand full of times he's described as dark skinned, a fair argument but easy to argue against because of the time he's also described in a fit of colorful language to be paler then the wall behind him. that and like, the way he's described as dark is also in line with how the term dark was used at the time by brontës contemporaries (though i personally don't think that's all she meant by referring to heathcliff specifically). it's easy to argue against the constant descriptions of his dark hair and dark eyes and dark skin as emily brontë, perhaps, trying to suggest he is just over all a dark, imposing character tying into theories that heathcliff is a literal demon (some people suggest this?). now, don't get me wrong, i agree with the assessment that regardless of the metaphor heathcliff is like a darker skinned guy with black hair and black eyes however it's the type of evidence that's much easier to argue against rather then him, repetitively, having characters pull the 'lmao what are you???' question or how intrinsically his race is tied into the plot and his character.

like, i said it reminds me of booker dewitt at one point in my many ramblings and let me explain. booker is often assumed to be white but but he is actually mixed race and is both white and indigenous. and while one can argue semantics about skin color and what not i feel the much stronger evidence to this canon fact is stuff like idk the fact he speaks at least one of the lakota/dakota/nakota language families fluently, doesn't recognize bible verses when they're quoted at him, has slurs thrown at him in earlier versions of the game we have footage of (implying other characters assume he is native american), has another universe version of himself who has found himself center of a phrenology study trying to prove he's native american, and, oh, the time another character straight up tells us about the time booker lost his shit at 16 because people were being racist to him and decided the best course of action would be to become participant in his own genocide to try and make himself himself appear whiter to avoid scrutiny before this fails horribly and he is now haunted by the fact he is participant in the genocide he is also victim of. this is the thing that haunts him, this is the thing that is chasing him, this is why he knows being made 'clean' in the eyes of a god that was forced upon him will not absolve him of the blood on his hands. bookers entire character is heavily influenced by this. like if we look at the time period and craft a probable history for what creates a booker dewitt, the influence of generational trauma and current trauma and just the impact of living in world where he is never truly a part like becomes very clear on his character and other characters around him. like booker is a character who deserved better writing from a writing team more willing to put time into communicating this story, but the seeds are all there.

like the reasons we know booker dewitt is indigenous outside of ken levines word of god statement are things like this that have clear and evident impact on his character and the world of the story. i argue the same is in wuthering heights. like yes, there are descriptions of heathcliff that line up with this to. but the crucial, crucial thing is how him not being white impacts the narrative and him.

but like i mean sure we can fall back on those vague descriptors i guess and argue back and forth about what exactly emily brontë meant because some people just don't want to accept that heathcliff isn't white and can pretend that descriptions of his dark skin aren't actually about him having dark skin.

there's this segment in which heathcliff laments about how he doesn't look like the blonde haired, blue eyed, pale edgar linton. there's another when he meets his son and is essentially like 'lmao why's it white?'. there's the numerous, numerous other people around him constantly throwing their best theory into the ring on what they think his race is which is almost always romani, often indian, and in one time occurrences each, chinese, american, and spanish.

literally when taken in by the earnshaws he doesn't even speak english. nelly, being a white woman from the area who likely has very limited exposure to other languages due to her class and limited education and limited time anywhere that isn't her direct local area, just assumes he's speaking gibberish. but idk perhaps the boy described as indian and romani didn't speak fucking english yet

and this all plays into the themes as well?

like a large theme of this novel is the way cathy and heathcliff do not quite feel they belong here but they feel a belonging and acceptance with each other, a large motivator behind their mutual obsession. (i'm getting to the resentment give me a moment) they understand the abuse they both experienced, they understand what the other wants (freedom, essentially), they understand how they both feel isolated and alone, etc etc. and part of that for heathcliff is clearly how he is othered by everyone else despite being the favorite son, despite how he tried to fit into the social trappings around him. its part of why he laments about edgar. because he recognizes, despite his age, that he's being treated differently because he does not look like edgar. sure it's, as with most things, a very cathy motivated thought i think. the threat that edgar will take all her attention, leaving heathcliff truly alone. hell he even kind of says that when he confronts cathy that one time and is like 'hey, you hang out with him so much more' and we, the reader, know under that he's saying 'and you are leaving me alone with these people'. but back in this moment with nelly he pinpoints rather accurately that edgar has an easier time because he's white. and heathcliff is not. and he can do the song and dance, he even tries to do the song and dance, but he can't become white. he can never just become white.

i think to this plays into the resentments between cathy and heathcliff. she resents that he's not white, that it makes this simple thing very complex, that in her eyes it's part of what makes him beneath her and no one is going to see him as being at the same level as her, that she feels so much belonging and what not with this person seen as other. like its very 'recognition of the self in the other (derogatory)' and i think he similarly resents these things in reverse, right? he resents that he's seen this way, that she might see him this way, that this simple thing is complicated when it should not be. and also, again, that this game is so much easier for cathy to play. she's white, she blends in, she's free to do things he is not because he has to give so much more to be even considered remotely human. and it's frustrating. because he is cathy, after all. except for the part where he's not. because for as much love as there is here, they're two abused kids who speak a similar language here and are angry with each other as well as the world.

like i just the way he's treated to like nelly, being presumably white, seems to assume all of heathcliffs mistreatment comes from him being ill behaved and insane which i mean sure some of it is because he constantly misbehaves and he doesn't want to be controlled and follow rules he doesn't like.

but isn't it a bit...idk...telling that no one really argues with hindley when he decides to make his adoptive brother his servant?

like people find it shitty when heathcliff does that to hearton, the white boy.

but when heathcliff spends years upon years doing all the barn work and getting whipped by his brother and being forced to live in the shitty attic with no access to heating like...the lintons, despite cathys bad behavior, give her an opportunity to 'grow' (force her into a box of polite society which she does not like but falls into anyway). they don't do that to heathcliff, they write him off immediately. their pity begins and ends with cathy who they identify as an unfortunate girl in an unfortunate family who is being raised poorly, despite the fact heathcliff is raised in the exact same conditions and misbehaving in the exact same way. the biggest differences are cathy is white and a girl, and heathcliff is brown and a boy.

like im just saying does the narrative need to spell it out for you?

are you that incapable of reading between the lines when it is literally that obvious.

like ignoring all these little nuances that perhaps i read into or misremember due to my bias here, the fact he clearly looks not white enough for everyone to constantly suggest he's not white implies that...just maybe...maybe that heathcliff is brown

i also wonder how much of this unwillingness for heathcliff to be brown is 'oh but he's a shitty person' and our current movement is to create these pure, stainless, people of color in our fiction. heathcliff is not that. he's the antithesis to that (though more on that later). he's a shitty, miserable person who makes himself more miserable and suffers in a tragedy he himself largely created. though i argue the story ends well for him (i mean he dies happily in cathys room and gets to haunt the moors with her forever in absolute freedom and bliss like that's literally what he wanted he got what he wanted), deserving it to end well for him or not, he's not this picture perfect representation that audiences crave before ripping something apart because they cannot understand that marginalized people do not have one uniform experience or needs from our media.

who cares that he's shitty when he's complex and an adaptation that actually represents him as he is would only make him more complex and interesting and do justice to the narrative emily brontë was trying to craft? it wouldn't necessarily revaluate the narrative, but rather bring to light this element of it which is so often neglected.

emily brontë was trying to make complex people with complex motivations and interests, which often lead them down self destructive paths. which sure, makes them shitty. but it makes them interesting and heathcliffs race is part of what makes him interesting and complex. the way his race and understanding of it balance with his understanding of himself and the people around him and the trappings of the society he's in. like it's such a large part of why he behaves like he does and why people behave how they do around him.

like we can all agree heathcliff is the monster these people created. he became the thing he was told he is because it is what he was told he is. again to bring up booker dewitt, booker is the monster that everyone created by telling him what he is and what he is worth is the violence he can commit so violence booker dewitt becomes. heathcliff, similarly, is told through this narrative by so many of these people that he is lesser, that no matter what he does he is not them. so what he does is go on a revenge quest to become them, to return the favor back to them, to take what he's decided will now be his because he was told he does not deserve it. and here's the thing. here's the thing about it. he kind of wins.

like don't get me wrong his revenge quest makes him miserable and could have been avoided and he did a lot of horrible things on that quest. but he did it, right? he got wuthering heights. he got thrushcross grange. he fucked with everyone's lives. and like sure it catches up to him mentally, but he dies in this success right? that he did the thing he wanted and everyone's miserable. and then he dies. and he dies happily because he gets to run off with cathy in the afterlife doing whatever the fuck forever and always like both of them wanted. like he literally gets everything he wanted in the narrative. eventually.

anyway

denying his race just feels...short sighted? missing the point?

and like i mean ok sure one time he's described as spanish and the actor they got for him is spanish. that's cool. that's great.

but i have to question why we went with the guy who fits exactly one off handed description of heathcliff from a line where he's also, once again, suggested to be indian and also american (it's all in the same sentence the speaker, unsure, suggests heathcliff is all three spanish isn't even a heathcliff race suggestion that gets it's own line)

another thing I've noticed repeated time and time again is 'well, sure, Heathcliff could be a person of color. but that's less important than divides such as class and-' and I'm not going to pretend I'm like deeply aware of the intricacies of late 1700s, early 1800s race relations and concepts in England. However I also feel like this is...really misunderstanding race but also misunderstanding the novel, which, again, makes it clear that Heathcliff's race factors into things. he doesn't get upset that Edgar is white and he's not because he feels equal to Edgar minus the fact he's poor. people don't suggest he's races that are not white because they view Heathcliff as equal.

when cathy and heathcliff meet the lintons, its because they were both behaving badly and spying on them. this gets the dogs to attack cathy as they try to run away. naturally they take her inside and heathcliff follows. much is said about his race during this time. then heathcliff proceeds to make himself look Very Bad in front of them after their dog attacked cathy (though, again, they're very quick to kick him out super late and make him go home and keep white cathy for six straight weeks). when cathy comes back, now the 'proper' lady the lintons made her into, she comments that heathcliff, described routinely with dark skin unlike the pale lintons, is dirty. he does not like this. its hard not to see a connection for him to the fact his skin is brown, and hers is not, and nor is edgar lintons. the lintons are invited to dinner at one point and they make it clear they do not want to interact with heathcliff, so heathcliff is sent away and has his whole 'linton is white and going to steal cathy' meltdown to nelly. who then proceeds to try and calm him down and is like 'we'll fix this by cleaning you up and making you look presentable and they'll have to let you to dinner'. so she does, she cleans him up and does his hair and gives him a pep talk and tells him to behave and she sends him out to the dinner. to which he is met with immediate and immense backlash when he hasn't even done anything beyond try to fit into the game.

he can wash himself as much as he likes, but heathcliff can never truly become 'clean', can he?

there's this idea, historically and otherwise, that dark skin itself is 'unclean'. that one is dirty for having it. its a common racist tactic. if you just scrub enough, you can become paler. if you're bad, your skin will become darker. bleach yourself so you look more innocent. the bad guys with blood on their hands are brown and black and dark and the good guys are pale and white.

perhaps emily brontë is a product of her time and she to saw heathcliffs dark skin as evidence of his bad behavior, as something unclean. (though, again, i'd argue she has him ultimately 'win'. he ultimately succeeds at the thing he wants. his actions are not forgiven or really justified but emily brontë still has him win)

but in our discussion its hard for me not to see such examples of this and not think that race is a huge factor in heathcliffs behaviors and world view. after all, when people look at him, they're not suggesting directly that he's poor in bafflement. they're suggesting hes romani or indian or chinese or whatever else.

the 2011 adaptation i think really puts this in the forefront because it becomes impossible to ignore the elephant in the room here. their heathcliff is black, and everyone else is white. characters use slurs the audience recognizes as slurs rather than words they don't understand are slurs. when cathy comments that heathcliff is dirty off handedly before realizing what she's said, we see him and his brown skin and understand why he is upset the one person who doesn't treat him differently has suddenly said something like that to him. sure there's an element here that cathy has changed and he's scared she's changed, that she no longer loves her moors and wants to run around outside with him forever in them. but the other element of change is that she might see him as lesser, as innately unclean.

like yes class is an element here but to pretend race is not when it so clearly is is...bizarre to me? particularly because class and race are connected and seem deliberately so here. like cathy is allowed to marry up, she is allowed to change class, she can do that quite easily. heathcliff, though, to change class has to run off for a period of three years doing who knows what and he is STILL not respected as being another class when he returns. now I'm sure one could argue 'oh it's because of his personality-' and like sure heathcliff is still very heathcliff like it's not like he's become super personable or anything. but like...neither are a lot of wealthy white men.

also, again, the narrative is very clear. cathy is heathcliff, heathcliff is cathy. they are two sides of the same coin. they are one thing. they are one codependent thing with very similar character traits except cathy is a white girl and heathcliff is a brown boy, which impacts the presentation of these very similar character traits.

we have to question in the text why heathcliff is so unpersonable and the answer goes back to the any time we see him try to play the game and he's immediately shut out. like why should he want to play into this polite society when the polite society has made it very clear no matter what he does, he will not belong here. his wealth is desirable, he is not. the text is asking you to ask why that is and the answer isn't just because heathcliff kinda sucks. because like hindley also sucks, mr earnshaw also sucks. sucking is not a uniquely heathcliff trait in this novel if anything most of the characters suck.

the why this is largely is yes, a response to trauma. cathy and heathcliff and even hindley like all carry the same trauma from their upbringing. but an element of this trauma for heathcliff is the racism. is the way his race plays into othering him, separating him, isolating him. the way his race exasperates that abuse, how it enables further abuse (like hindley turning him into a servant, for example).

i think there's something to be said about horror and discomfort, right? and like wuthering heights isn't necessarily horror like its gothic, its a gothic romance, but it's not necessarily horror despite the gothic and horror like being sisters but like. i do think there's something to be said about the fact wuthering heights wants to be discomforting. it clearly was if you look at reviews of the time and how clearly, clearly it made charlotte uncomfortable to the point where she allegedly burned emily's second manuscript (im not forgiving her for this) and i don't know i don't know if emily meant for this race element to be discomforting in the way i find it as an arab american reader. but i did find it uncomfortable in the way horror is. like i found it very akin to watching a horror film and sitting there wishing the main character just runs or turns around because the slasher killer is right there. it's the perpetual feeling of knowing you are the only brown person in the room and not knowing what that's going to mean at any moment.

i often write little vent posts i delete about this book because i have much to say and much frustration about this denial of heathcliffs brownness that i ultimately decide not to burden others with asdfghjk but in one of them i had a thought.

there's article after article trying to justify heathcliffs white washing in the adaptations where they insist he has to be white or that his brownness is only a suggestion and no one really meant it when they said he looks Romani or Indian or Chinese. and i have to wonder like why is it so important that he is white? does this whiteness impact the narrative? does it change it? is it important to it?

i'd argue the whiteness of cathy and edgar and isabelle and hindley is important to the narrative. it's an extension of how they fit into society, into how they are welcomed to it, as part of their class and their wealth or their ability to just squander that wealth. it's an extension of how they are treated by each other and others, like cathy being brought in and 'civilized' by the lintons for example.

on the contrary, the whiteness of someone like nelly, a character we presume is white due to setting and what not, isn't particularly relevant. it plays no strong element to her story, what race she is, outside perhaps who she chooses to sympathize with.

and see if heathcliff is white...what does that change? a lot of the impact is gone, in my opinion. a lot of the the tensions we see here are alleviated. suddenly the only thing separating him from the society around him is the money he does or doesn't have. suddenly the only factor in his isolation is himself.

if he's brown, though, in whatever way he is...that's a lot more relevant, isn't it?

it's a lot more relevant to the themes, to the story that's happening and the one that happened. he's no longer the only factor here, it's the fact he is in the outgroup and everyone else is in the ingroup and no matter what he does he cannot change his skin. he can't out wealth his skin. he can't escape the way everyone else views him.

it's a lot more uncomfortable to for a society unwilling to look its own racism in the face, isn't it? which is odd to say about a story that regardless of race is entirely uncaring on if it's uncomfortable or not. it wants to be uncomfortable, actually. i refer to watching wuthering heights 2011 as a 'gaping wound' and this is why. it's uncomfortable and it's supposed to be.

idk i just keep tacking segments onto this very long essay because i'm just baffled, you see. im baffled at how this element of this character which is SO OBVIOUS and so RELEVANT to the story being told is just...so ignored? so white washed? perhaps it's just because it was one of the things that made me read the book? because it was i will admit. like i wanted to know. i wanted to know how obvious it was and i came away baffled because it literally only stopped short of having heathcliff turn to the camera and say 'by the way im :insert race here:' like i don't know how emily bronte could have been more clear.

i don't understand.

i hope i have gotten across why i don't understand.

in princess weekes video on heathcliff she notes that, while he is most likely meant to be romani or indian but probably romani, it doesn't exactly matter what specific race heathcliff is what matters is that he is how he is othered and treated due to this race. i think this is mostly a fair assessment because while i do see credence to the argument of the fact he should be played by an actor of the race he is like...most likely to be, nothing significant changes about the narrative if he's romani or indian or black or arab (some have gone for arab heathcliff and i support it despite the book having no backing for this asdfghjk) or so on and so forth what matters is he is a person of color. while how we in the modern day understand that is a little different then emily bronte did when writing the novel, what matters is he is brown.

and yet. every single adaptation. save for the 2011 one. fail to make him brown. i don't understand.

tldr: why the fuck is heathcliff white in almost every adaptation when he so clearly is not if you just read the book good lord

anywho supplemental videos i forgot to add:

the day rue became black by yhara zayd (there was also something from her candyman video i meant to quote after rewatching but forgot to do so also watch that one because sure why not, it was something from her discussion about how its not racist to have characters of color who kinda suck or are villainous or what not but in general everyone should be watching yhara zayd)

heathcliff isn't white by princess weekes

"while under the influence of Wuthering Heights" that's really a real phenomena huh like that's a real thing that just happens to you after you read wuthering heights

[citriarchive]

i think nithvinn should go on archery dates. what au is this intended for? yes.

[doctor-vertigo]

It’s Bive time! I’m kidding of course, Bive time is all the time, it never ends.

If you want to hear my inane ramblings about her feel free to subject yourself to that for whatever reason btw.

Okay so Bive is a really interesting character to me, and thus I have a lot of interpretations on her character which are probably very unoriginal. The way I draw her is mostly based off of the vrchat avatar of her that I use because I just, I love how shaped she is, she’s such a silly. It’s also my body type, so she has some pudginess going on in my vision even if she is a sentient hairball (that’s also why I gave her a double chin). Actually on the topic, I’ve seen so much diverse fan art of her when it comes to body types and shapes which is always such a joy to see!

I don’t know what’s confirmed or not but I imagine that she has schizophrenia, which is something I hardly ever see represented in fiction, and in fact it’s a disorder I still see is made fun of to this day which is honestly heartbreaking to think about. So even if it isn’t canon, if people with schizophrenia can relate to her and feel seen through her, I find that to be a wonderful thing! I also headcanon her as having AuDHD, mostly due to her dialogue about sensory issues and needing to constantly move, and paired with the schizophrenia I imagine she has some type of generalized anxiety disorder.

This is probably just projection on my part but I also headcanon her as always wearing more modest attire, like the oversized trench coat and maybe turtleneck sweaters or large hoodies in more casual settings. Personally as someone with anxiety if I wear something too revealing or form-fitting I feel extremely uneasy and have to cover up as quickly as possible. But she also doesn’t wear pants as far as I know so idk how well that headcanon holds up. Also she bites when she gets affectionate. And idk how canon it is that Bive doesn’t shower as often as she probably should (executive dysfunction can kiss my ass) but I do think it checks out with what all I’ve said here already, but also because of that I imagine she’s very greasy most of the time.

That’s about it, if I have anything more to add then maybe I’ll reblog this post and add another ramble? Depends on how interested anyone is ig. Ok ramble over, sorry for wasting your time 👋

[mecachrome]

twitter discourse about oscar/mclaren makes me so irrationally upset i wish more people would master the art of leaving him alone

i don't think it's irrational at all anon i totally get it!!! ngl idek what people are saying about him right now but the algo did feed me some mcl illegal car bait earlier after quali and i was like :D ??? ahm ok. but my toxic trait is that i find public copium somewhat cringe so...

not sure if this makes any sense but i was reflecting earlier on how oftentimes in fandom people feel like a need to prove their unconditional dislike of other [drivers] so they can still Get A Good Grade in also unconditionally liking their own and tbh i kind of get that vibe behind a lot of baseless mcl discourse and the artificial divide you see sometimes between lando fans and the "i don't like mclaren but i like oscar 😇" lando hateurs who don't even really like oscar that much but just find him more ~tolerable~ and #relatable and use him as a scapegoat for irrational wank... which is fine ig because we can all like and dislike whomever we want and it is our right to be mad about things on the internet but 🤷‍♀️ idk i think f1 & celeb fandom in general can just get really binary about moral principles and it never leaves any room for... i guess situational observations or Nuance or Relativity and lands us in all sorts of inane drama and cursed mental health discourse and back-and-forth 814 comparisons wherein oscar is set up to shit on lando and then people make fun of oscar in return for not meeting arbitrary expectations that the team has never even set in the first place and so on.......

anyway sorry for the ramble but 🧡 people just say things fr. and this is always a safe space to chat positively about ojp!!!!

[ackermom]

god damn flowers. god damn lesbians.

"i can't stay," bertholdt is saying from the doorway. "my girlfriend's in the car. i was just dropping off a card. saying hi—"

"sorry. i'm sort of— this cake is— you're taking off?"

is he glad bertholdt's not sticking around the party? maybe. he should be, because if he was staying, that'd mean the girlfriend was staying too, and from what historia's said, she's a real piece of work. not sure exactly what that means. it wasn't explained any further. honestly, reiner doesn't need to know. and right now, he doesn't know if he can find the time to care, not in between the five hundred tiny fucking edible flowers ymir and historia want on their stupid god damn cake.

"we've got a work thing," is all bertholdt adds.

"cool," reiner says. he's in the fucking thick of it. he can't look at bertholdt in the doorway right now. bertholdt with his keys in his hands and the haircut reiner always told him he should get. that, or a mullet. he's got curls somewhere in there. he could pull off a mullet.

he's cross-eyed, centimeters away from tiny purple flowers he's tweezing onto the cake as it's melting onto the counter. god damn backyard wedding, and someone needs to crank up the AC.

he hears bertholdt's keys fidgeting in his hands. "historia said you're seeing someone."

the little purple flowers plants off-center. god damn. he'll cover it up later. "yeah. i mean— we're not really dating. you know how it is."

he doesn't know what they're doing. not enough to call it anything. he does the polite thing and returns the favor: "so, how are you and...?"

he thinks he gestures out the window, toward the driveway where the girlfriend must be waiting. he doesn't really remember her name. that must be a step in the right direction. there's a beat though, and when reiner glances over the cake to look at bertholdt in the doorway, his expression has flattened a little. when he sees reiner looking, he gives a good effort shrug, glancing out the window too. the sun's high, and it's glaring off the appliances. but she must be able to see them.

"good," bertholdt says. "fine."

"wow."

he swears bertholdt blushes. "i didn't mean it like that. i just forgot what it was like. you know, dating women."

"i don't know."

"it's— they're a lot of work."

"wow."

"i didn't mean it like that. that sounded bad. it's just not as easy."

"in my experience, men aren't exactly easy." the flowers are going on, thank god. he's never offering to bake a wedding cake again.

"i mean, it's not as easy as it was with you."

the kitchen must be melting.

he hears bertholdt take a breath. "i just mean—"

reiner doesn't remember their relationship ever being easy, even when it was good. he remembers it being fun. he remembers it being like a high, when bertholdt's lips were on his. and the crash that follows, the nights they spent apart. and all the times in between, making love and smoking weed and laughing in the car and getting caught by their friends getting handsy at parties. he remembers being in love, and how much it hurt when they weren't anymore. never easy.

"so," he says after a moment. he plucks up an edible pearl and centers it on a flower. "you're not staying?"

bertholdt shakes his head. halfway out the door. "no, she has this thing for work. she's up for a promotion, and she wants me to be there."

"you must be a catch, huh?"

"yeah, i don't know. it's just that kind of place. when i started— i moved into marketing, i don't know if you knew that— i got the whole speech about the office being a family. so, for this kind of thing—"

"jesus."

"–i know. but it's important to her. and they all know we're dating. if i don't go tonight, i'll hear about it all month."

no wonder he's been dawdling around the house. he dropped off his gift ten minutes ago. reiner could hear their inane conversation from the hallway, his rambling about the registry and historia patting the curlers in her hair as she listened politely. he just couldn't hear what bertholdt got them. he'll have to find out later. he bets he can guess. it better not be a fucking blender.

a car horn beeps twice.

"i should go," bertholdt says.

"if you want out of that place," reiner says, "i can show up and cause a scene to get you fired. expose some sort of sordid gay affair."

he looks up in time to see bertholdt smile.

"you'd make a good homewrecker. i... i didn't mean—"

"i know. it was a joke."

his keys jingle in his hand, halfway out the door. "we've gotta get going. anyways. it was good to see you, reiner."

only a million little flowers left to go. "yeah. same."

"tell them congratulations again, from me. crazy people our age are getting married now."

"yeah, right." crazy.

[misfitwashere]

Even I, when I read the text of his statements, find myself normalizing him. I read or listen and look for a drop of normalcy, or for how his followers would hear him. I subconsciously do the work he wouldn’t do and look for meaning or critical thinking amidst all the gibberish, and then dismiss the gibberish. But right there on the page, right there on the screen where he stands, his words are often nonsense, and offensive, frightening nonsense.

The major reason he’s still in this race, and not being laughed off the stage, is because so many of those who support him are locked behind a wall of information or bias and fictionalize him, and those who report on him are either afraid of him, told to normalize him by corporate higher-ups, or are inured to his weirdness and self-absorption. Many report on the drip of normalcy and neglect the flood of incoherent, belligerent, and offensive inanity. We must not allow ourselves to get so used to him to the point that he uses us.

The recent debate provided a good example of his belligerent inanity. I almost felt sorry for him a couple of times because he was so out of his depth, so lost and out of control. He had no facts to show he cared about issues and people, and often pushed beyond the debate agreements of 2 minute comments to aggressively ramble on with conspiratorial lies.

And the simplistic, malignant nature of these lies almost surprised me. I didn’t expect him to so blatantly repeat on national tv the weird crazies he repeats on smaller stages. For example, his old debunked refrain about millions coming across the border to steal and rape, even repeating racist disinformation about Haitians stealing pets to eat them. He ignored the fact that most Haitians in the city were here legally, and immigrants in general are less likely to commit crimes than other U. S. residents, certainly less likely than DT himself.

“In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs, the people that came in, they’re eating the cats,” said Trump. The police and other city officials have repeatedly said there were no such reports, but DT claimed it was true because he saw it somewhere on tv.

Of course, when asked directly at the debate if he wanted the Ukrainians to win the war to defeat Russian invaders, or if he would veto a national abortion ban, he showed his true values and that, maybe his ramblings serve a purpose all his own, and refused to answer the actual question asked.

Recently, at a Fox “News” town hall, he was asked about the mass shooting at Apalachee High School in Georgia that led to four deaths and multiple injuries. DT avoided the question to talk about the support he received from Hungarian autocrat Viktor Orbán, the same autocrat he mentioned at the debate as a foreign ruler who respects him.

“’It’s a sick and angry world for a lot of reasons…’ Trump said. ‘And we’re going to make it better, you know, Viktor Orban made a statement, he said, ‘bring Trump back and we won’t have any problems.’ He was very strong about that.’” Never a comment about gun safety, or a sliver of compassion for the victims and their families.

Or to a Mom’s for Liberty event he said, “The transgender thing is incredible. Think of it. Your kid goes to school and comes home a few days later with an operation. The school decides what’s going to happen with your child.” Untrue, yes. Insane? Possibly.

In a recent speech to the Economic Club of New York, he rambled on again about Kamala Harris’ border policy: “She wants to defund the police, have Tony Logan votes, ban trafficking in Pennsylvania and everywhere else, take away your private health insurance, and perhaps most pertinent to the very brilliant people in this room, raise your business and corporate taxes, and unbelievably, she’ll see a text on unauthorized trafficking in those people’s living rooms at ease…”

Then: “[She] Has to be defeated. Cannot have her be the President of the United States. Under Kamala, the United States is becoming a third-world banana republic. She and her party are censoring speech, weaponizing the justice system, and trying to throw their political opponents, me, in jail.

This hasn’t happened. I didn’t do that to Crooked Hillary. I said, that would be a terrible thing, wouldn’t it? Putting the wife of the President of the United States in jail…” Of course, during the 2016 campaign he and his supporters repeatedly greeted mentions of Hillary Clinton with shouts of  “lock her up.” And recently, he repeatedly talked about his own plans to weaponize the DOJ.

When asked, “’If you win in November, can you commit to prioritizing legislation to make childcare affordable, and if so, what specific piece of legislation will you advance?” In DT’s reply, he admitted childcare was an important issue but failed to mention a single specific solution. Instead, he spent his time rambling incoherently on his idea of increasing tariffs on imports. He said:

“But I think when you talk about the kind of numbers that I’m talking about, that—because look, child care is child care. It’s, couldn’t—you know, there’s something … You have to have it. In this country, you have to have it.

But when you talk about those numbers compared to the kind of numbers that I’m talking about by taxing foreign nations at levels that they’re not used to, but they’ll get used to it very quickly. And it’s not going to stop them from doing business with us, but they’ll have a very substantial tax when they send product into our country.’” And on and on.

And at a rally in Las Vegas, in June, reported on by Eugene Robinson of The Washington Post, DT was trying to talk about the transition to electric vehicles, but instead veered off to speak about sharks:

“By the way, a lot of shark attacks lately, do you notice that? Lot of sharks. I watched some guys justifying it today: ‘Well they weren’t really that angry, they bit off the young lady’s leg because of the fact that they were not hungry, but they misunderstood who she was.’ These people are crazy. He said, ‘There’s no problem with sharks, they just didn’t really understand a young woman swimming.’ No, really got decimated, and other people, too, a lot of shark attacks….”

In the Washington Post article, the author also focused on the ridiculous normalizing of DT in much of the corporate media. “We in the media have failed by becoming inured to Trump’s verbal incontinence — not just the rapid-fire lies and revenge-seeking threats, but also the frightening glimpses into a mind that is, evidently, unwell…. The tendency with Trump, at 77, is to say he’s ‘just being Trump.’ But he’s like this all the time….” Hopefully, the debate has clearly exposed to the nation that he can’t or shouldn’t be normalized and is unfit to hold political office.

Add this to his offensive comments about soldiers, especially those wounded and killed during their service, or sexist, misogynist, and often cruel comments about women and one wonders how he could still be in this race, or how could anyone feel safe with the idea of him wielding power. There’s a reason why so many members of his former cabinet and administration are warning us about him. And as journalist Greg Sargent recently wrote in The New Republic, it’s time for “the media” to make DT’s incoherence the top story of the week, year, decade.

Time for us all, when we can listen to him, to recognize what’s there and not there, and get out the vote for Harris-Walz.

[eshithepetty]

Ahh so, lately, I've been slowly (emphasis on slowly) working through another animatic.... so while I'm doing that I thought it'd be fun to share some thought processes i had while making Juliet (which you can watch above)!! I'm obviously not gonna analyze all of it, as a lot of the lyric matches and like, color meanings, for example, you can understand just fine on your own, but some stuff maybe might not be as obvious? So yeah, this is just gonna be me inanely rambling, in case anyone is in the market for thinking too deep into symbolism and character analysis hdgdhd

0:07

Starting off with the intro, the big flowers here are hydrangeas :) I intentionally tried to pick a color between blue, pink and purple, as the meanings for all three apply here. Blue hydrangeas symbolize understanding and gratefulness, and remorse and apology, sort of as 'I understand where I went wrong, and I'm sorry for not treating you fairly". I think this would fit well with Shigeo's feelings towards Ritsu,, pink, however, symbolizes heartfelt emotion, romance, and true feelings, which I thought was great for the Tsubomi side of things, especially in regards to the last arc. And purple symbolizes understanding, and gratefulness, without as much of the negative connotations. Sort of like a positive inverse of the blue ones' symbolism - a 'thank you for sticking with me'. Which is relevant for all the platonic relationships in his life, all the friendships, and, well... as I see it, also his relationship with himself - between Mob and ???% :')

Also I think the other flowers were lilacs, but. Tbh, i don't remember anymore.. their symbolism wasn't as relevant in my mind i think hdhfg (though i'm sure you could still extrapolate something from them if you really wanted to (which, in my country, they're often associated with students and graduation, so like, learning and new begginings/endings.... also i carry many memories of trying to find 3 leaved buds in them, for good luck, so take from that what you will ig! ^^;))

***

0:15

Here, I intended to use a dark red outline as to not make it immediately clear that Shigeo was dripping blood. As when you hear the lyrics "I need to cry," one would immediately picture tears, right? I'm not sure if I succeeded (especially with the blood tw right before), but that was the idea. Along with how then, of course, the lyrics continue with "but I can't get anything out of my eyes," and the gruesome scene reveal, making it clear it's not tears at all... yeah. Also, I just want to mention the lyrics "did I die?" because they make me emo. In a way, a part of Shigeo, the old Shigeo, did die that day....

***

0:46

not as much to say here, though I definitely drew this with the feeling of stagnation in my mind... like. Mob is growing physically, yes. But emotionally? He's festering, and only growing more, and more, stuck.... notice how the color dims. Blue is a sad color. But at least it is a color at all.

***

1:14

Oh boy, lots.... of things to say here. Or, well  maybe not say. Idk how to explain the symbolism in this one? It was more subconscious... Something about Mob trying to reach out and understand himself, only to get distracted by Tsubomi, and set his eyes on her instead. And ???%, in the mirror, turning to him judgementally... I think it's reflective of how Tsubomi also was part of the reason for the split, and how, in his yearning for Tsubomi, what he was seeking after the most was acceptance, even if he couldn't see it.... something along those lines <3

(Also, god it bothers me that i messed up the lighting in his reflection's hair hghdgd,, might fix that someday)

***

1:56

"With two corks in his eyes", the two corks in this case being a dumbbell, and a book on social cues (which, btw, he canonically has).... I wanted to portray the things that he finds lacking in himself, and thus makes into roadblocks towards his path of self acceptance. Thinking of that line said by ???% about how, in his effort to join and train with the body improvement club, he was really just 'trying to make a new self', and wasn't really 'seeing' ???%. Trying to escape himself, the part of him with powers... and then s1 ep3, and how in it, Mob implied that he and his autism (dunno how else to put everything about that djghfh, it was just.. autism) are destructive... Yeah.

***

2:00

"and a bully in his head"

Just want to note... obviously, the lyrics imply that ???% is the bully here. But, if you pay attention, ???% here actually looks rather.. anguished. And Mob looks almost angry... just thought I'd make it clear the situation is a little more gray than that! :)

***

2:19

While drawing for this part, I couldn't stop thinking about this one analysis in youtube comments I had seen about how s2 ep1 was crucial in Mob taking that first, real step towards opening up emotionally, and how in the process, he's exposed to a much wider world morally as well. That's why I put the ghost family scene directly after the scene with Emi - he's beggining to consider his emotions, all the 'colors' he hasn't allowed himself to see, and that leads to him realizing his own autonomy, which leads to him considering his decisions more, which leads to the ghost family scene, where he's starting to consider the autonomy of spirits as well, instead of blindly following Reigen on these matters (who, as we know, doesn't know shit about that side of the world, and I would say... kinda allowed Mob to separate himself from his psychic side even more, with him mindlessly using his powers as a tool for work and nothing else). "I wanna be so much more."

I... actually have a lot of feelings, on Mob and his relationship with spirits and how that intertwines with his powers, but that's something to write it's own post about, not ramble about here, so I'll leave it at that i think jfgfh

***

2:33

The relevancy of the lyrics very much stretch on into the instrumental for this one.. "I hope that she looks at me and thinks, "shit, he's so pretty." Something I can't believe," And then him flashing to blood on his hands, and a sequence of moments he's probably felt not so proud of,,, just wanted to note that in case it wasn't obvious. Also, I have feelings about hand symbolism in this show, too, especially when it comes to moments where Shigeo has looked at his open palm, but that's also a post for another day just as in the previous point jdgdhh (in short: all of those moments can be traced back to how he views the power he posseses)

***

3:46

The two corks, in this case, are the spirit world, and the human world ^^ also notice how one of the figures among the spirits wears Mob's uniform... is that lord psycho helmet, or ???%...?? idk!!! You decide :)

Also the "bully in his head", this time, becomes not ???%, but the trauma of the incident... just wanted to bring that back to front and focus before the final chorus. Cause,, that really was the even that kickstarted it all, huh?

***

4:00

Not an analysis, just wanted to say, I greatly enjoy the juxtaposition of "but i'm really just a kid," laid over top Shigeo bleeding on the ground. Mmmhmmm,,,, pain.

***

4:11

I knowww I said I wasn't gonna be talking about the color meanings, but I just had to for this one. Obviously, I portrayed ???% menacing here, as they are menacing in this arc, but... notice how their aura is rather pink? I had finished this before the finale aired, so I didn't know it would be red in canon, but even knowing that, I would have returned to this. Because, with the pink... well, red does fit them better overall I would say, but in this case, I wanted to take the obvious choice, the color that is so commonly associated with danger, and... shift it to left a bit, make it a little softer. To emphasize the affection ???% holds for Tsubomi, the protectiveness they hold over Mob, the gentle side they show to Ritsu. And to bring us into their point of view even more, the red is instead relegated to the edges of the frame... a creeping vignete, that represents how they view the world around them is the dangerous part in all this. ..I hope all of that makes sense ;^^

***

4:07 and 4:22

Anddd the two corks become the seperation between Mob and ???%, and Ritsu and Tsubomi... those really were the focal points in this animatic, the building blocks for who Shigeo is, as I see it.. and how reconciling with both Ritsu and Tsubomi, leads to him being able to reconcile with himself, too. Of course, there is Reigen as well... but I just wanted to focus on these 3 for this one. Also, I just wanna say that the panel of Ritsu, Shigeo and Tsubomi holding hands in the air is one of my fave panels ever and I loved being able to depict it.. it just makes me feel things. The yearning for childhood, and connections, and the feeling of being whole again of it all,,,, augh

***

And. To end this sleep deprived ramble....

Notice how the animatic became more colorful over time? :)

Of course, part of that is just that I improved my style along the way, but... it was also very much intentional. A sort of reflection of Shigeo's journey, and how he rediscovered those colors along the way. Also was very much intentional from me for the final 2 frames to be the only ones where Shigeo's colors are actually accurate instead of just being symbolic - and that was to symbolize that,,, he was finally grounding himself in reality, and seeing himself for the whole, real person he truly is :')

The flower imagery wasn't as planned however, I decided on it as to make it match the intro that I made later and thus for it to come full circle, and I think it ended up adding to it!! Think of it meaning something along the lines of,,, just as in happiness, so in sadness, the flowers bloom. Or something like that.. idk jhgjdhgh

So yeah!!! Dunno who even read this far, but if anyone did, thank you for listening to my brainrot, I hope it was relatively interesting!! aanndd with that im also going to sleep, buh byeee u_u have good days/nights everyones <3

[crystalleoi]

If the mephones have a "second" chance?...

AH! Sorry if it's been a while since this was sent, I saw this in my inbox a little while ago but wanted to wait until the II2 finale released. Also, Tumblr didn't want to notify me for some reason, so for all I know this could've been sent forever ago >_>

But anyway! MePhones, huh? I'll put this under a read-more because it gets LONG.

So, I can't say I really have a definitive answer to this, because there's a LOT to think about. I'll throw my thoughts at you, though :P

Assuming that by a "second chance", you mean revival: There's a lot to consider here! Who revived them? Why did they revive them? Where are they, and which characters are present?

Just for example, I'll make up two scenarios: In scenario A, Cobs revives them in MeCloud, for the purpose of carrying out his ~evil plans~, perhaps having to do with the Shimmers. In scenario B, Test Tube revives them in her lab, for the purpose of rehabilitating them.

Let's start with their initial reactions. I'd imagine that the MePhones would generally have a calmer initial reaction to scenario A than scenario B. In scenario A, the person that revived them and the place they're in are both very familiar. In scenario B, they'd have no idea where they are, and Test Tube is a complete stranger to them--well, except for 5S and 5C.

And you can shake things up further by adding more characters to the mix. Maybe another one of Cobs' creations stumbles into the room, or one of Test Tube's friends just wanted to see what she's working on! How might these additional characters act in their respective situations? How might they affect the MePhones' initial reactions to being revived?

Now, how they act and develop as characters after the fact depends on... well, a lot of things. Their environment, how the people around them treat them, etc etc...

Scenario A is likely fairly similar to what their lives were like before they died, and that certainly didn't turn them into nice people. There might not be as much room for positive change there--though, they could always get worse! :D Scenario B would probably be a better influence in terms of causing positive character development. However, I imagine it's a more challenging environment. They're surrounded by people who only know them for what Cobs ordered them to do, and he didn't exactly order them to make friends with MePhone4!

The environment in scenario A mirrors the ideals they were brought up with. It's familiar. Unless something happens that sparks change within them, they'll likely continue working for Cobs. You could say this scenario is like a "safe", familiar little shell. In contrast, the environment in scenario B directly contradicts those ideals. There's more cause for conflict, for sure, but I think it's also a far better influence. This scenario's more like getting yanked out of that shell, and thrust into a scary, unfamiliar world that challenges everything you learned beforehand.

...This is getting pretty long, so here's just one more thing to think about. How do they feel about their deaths? Their lives beforehand? How might these feelings change in their current environment?

Anyway uhh... yeah! Sorry if this wasn't the response you were looking for... again, this isn't a definitive answer, because there is a LOT to think about--more than I felt like shoving into this post! And I didn't go into detail about the individual MePhones because that would get very long very fast, and I just don't really want to make any certain claims about how they'd act or think--we don't know very much about them! (Plus, I thought it'd be fun to leave details like that up to interpretation--I love seeing how people portray these characters differently!)

This is so long... well, maybe someone will get something out of my inane rambling xD

TL;DR: IDK man I think it depends

[fireinmywoods]

hi i just want to say that i am on my first re-read of palimpsest and i am still absolutely in awe of this fic!!! i keep texting my friend who recommended it about how cool you are every time i read a chapter’s end notes. anyway you are very cool and i am absolutely loving seeing this fic with new eyes on a reread ❤️❤️

fdajskfdhafhdla it has been a while since I've been accused of being cool (let's just say I do a lot of work with adolescents and leave it at that), so thank you for that.

Inane and fully unasked-for rambling with very vague spoilers for palimpsest under the cut:

It's hard to describe how it feels to hear from people reading or rereading palimpsest (or any of my fics, though especially the longfics). Amazing. Rewarding. Validating. Encouraging. Inspiring. All true, but not quite doing justice to the fact that I vividly remember how scared I was to publish the final chapter - so much more nervous that I'd expected before I started posting and people started reading and commenting and speculating and anticipating and I suddenly went: ...uh oh. I dragged my feet and reread and reread and reread that last chapter even more obsessively than I normally do in my polishing phase, and after finally posting it I slammed my laptop closed and went out to the movies so I wouldn't be tempted to refresh and refresh and refresh and refresh until the first comment told me whether or not I could breathe.

It's been (lord have mercy) nearly 6 years since then, and a lot of people have read the completed fic and most of them have liked it okay, and yet I still get butterflies in my stomach when I hear from someone starting it for the first time. What about this time? Is it going to work for this person? Sometimes comments on older fic can come across almost apologetic, like, sorry to bother you, I'm sure you have better things to do these days, and I guess I can only speak for myself and not every writer out there but on behalf of myself let me just say: I care SO MUCH about your experience reading my stories!!! I cared back then! I care now! I care on your first read and on your tenth! Thank you for giving me the gift of your time spent visiting this goofy little world I made!

Anyway, this is all to say that I was SO excited to see this ask from you, telling me that you were enjoying the fic. (Also, high five to your friend who recommended it.) It truly, truly does mean so much to me. 💛💙

[kitkatt0430]

Six (Or More) Sentence Sunday!!!! Remembered to do this before getting caught up doing other stuff today.

“It’s a timeline based off what I remember strongest for the through-line life that would have made it to the version of the multi-verse crises that led to this multi-verse rebooting into the next,” Barry said. “There were a lot of timelines to sort through and reject in my memories. Still an ongoing project, getting my closet in order.” Eobard rolled his eyes. Of all the inane things to turn into his mind palace… an infinitely large closet. “Next up on the ‘who’s that criminal meta’ game, should be Danton Black. He’s going to be gunning for Simon Stagg. The way this timeline would have played out if I hadn’t gotten my head crammed full of future events? I’d have stopped him, barely, but Danton commits suicide rather than let me stop him from falling out of what should have been shatterproof windows. A gunshot won’t break that glass but a handful of determined clones can? Someone committed fraud with that install,” Barry rambled and then shook his head. “Sorry. I’m a bit talky today. Anyway. You killed Stagg anyway in that timeline. I’ve never been sure why, but no great loss there. Met enough alternate versions of him that for a half decent reason I’d happily drop him off the nearest cliff and call it a hiking accident.”

No one likes Simon Stagg. Especially not 'brain full of infinite realities' Barry Allen.

This scene is from the first part of the tentatively named fic 'Networking' for the Timeless Nonsense series. Barry was getting a little more work in on sorting out the timelines and plotting his next moves when Eobard dropped in to see how it's progressing. This fic will contain Barry heading over to Starling to drop in on Oliver, Felicity, and Dig. But also... Eobard winds up visiting someone he hasn't seen since before the accelerator explosion after learning this person is essentially on Barry's hit list for easier timeline management. He doesn't realize he's having a bit of an ethics crisis, but Eobard is totally having a bit of an ethics crisis. (Don't worry, it's not Simon Stagg. He's gonna die in the fic after this one and no one is gonna feel sorry about it.)

I also finally made some progress on The Story of HR Wells as a sort of back and forth between past and present that'll end either with Cynthia arriving on Earth-1 of HR lending Cisco the original copy of his World War M historical accounting. It's part of Coffee, Drumsticks, and Social Revolutions and I'm doing some world building in here that'll mean I need to go back and do a bit of editing on the fics already posted. Mostly minor things - Earth-19 refers to it's doctorates a bit differently now and other stuff that really makes it feel a bit more like a close-but-not culture over there.

By then it’s time for lunch with Caitlin before the apartment hunt began. He keyed Caitlin into the transmogrifier so that she sees him, not the part Randolf and part HR blend that he was wearing for the rest of the world. They chat about nothing in particular really, but HR can’t help but notice she’s hiding a second patch of cut-short hair with her barrettes today. Maybe it’s time to try the whole reaching out thing. Even if she doesn’t reciprocate, at least HR would have tried to help her. And she might still reach out in return down the line. He started with a mild complaint about his shoulder. “I’m glad I’ve got you along or I might just take the first apartment I see so I can put a mattress in it that won’t cause that nerve in my shoulder to pinch. Messes up my whole arm for the day when it happens. Or more than a day sometimes.” “Oh no,” Caitlin frowned, going into doctor mode. “You’re sure it’s just a pinched nerve?”

HR is trying to help Caitlin deal with what he still currently thinks is just PTSD problems, but it turns out the things he's about to tell her about his struggles with coping with the aftermath of brain damage from a war wound - in the first conversation they have here and a few subsequent ones - help her with her fears about how different her own thoughts become whenever her powers try to become active.

Obviously, what Caitlin's going through is quite different from HR did, but she's still struggling with her brain chemistry changing on her, altering the way she thinks and feels about everything. And HR understands how upsetting and frightening that is in a way no one else on Team Flash does.

[twillean-sparks]

Hey! If you don’t mind me asking, why did you move to a new blog?

[ID: another anon ask reading "Yeah but why DID you move blogs" /end ID]

Idk how to answer this and not make it sount like utter nonsense but,, a variety of reasons basically! Simple version: I just wanted a fresh start.

(Im gonna ramble a bit abt that under the cut)

Uhh I'll try and keep this.. not too long-

So like. I've changed. A lot lol. When I started my old blog I had never really used tumblr before (just here and there back in the old days) and I had come from Instagram, of all places, so I could branch out, connect with other artists, and just.. have a cool new place to share art!

I'd had my old blog since about *checks notes* October 2022, so over a year ago now. It's not that old for a tumblr blog, I know, but back then I started off posting magical creatures + oc art, and I had been doing the same thing on IG as well (with more traditional art and dragon sculptures but that's besides the point). It was tumblr that started influencing my art more, it was this very site that introduced me to fandoms as a whole!

I went from this:

To this:

And I'm really proud of that. Sure, I still cringe at my old takes and my old art. I mean, it'd be weird not to!

That's why when I decided to move blogs, I never even considered deleting my old posts, deactivating my old blog, or heck, even distancing myself from "Twillean" entirely. If I did, then.. what would even be the point of creating a new blog just to distance myself from it when I inevitably change?

(Oh, and I of course wouldn't want to just scurry off and leave my mutuals (moots/followers who are reading this pls know you mean a lot to me), or at least just pop up on a new blog that has no connection to.. myself as Twillean)

I moved Twitter accs recently as well, but for different reasons that I don't really want to get into, and i guess that was the final push? Idk.

But uhh,,,,, yeah. I have my reasons for moving, but explaining them without heading off track is much harder than I would've thought ig. Now I'm here and explaining why I moved blogs without really giving a clear reason. Sorry for that, I hope my inane ramblings sufficed for you both !!

[citriarchive]

my one constant thing with vinkaide is literally just the fact that vian has barely started to understand, on a fundamental level, that they are in love with kinkaide

i think part of it is that they genuinely do not think that they can experience love like that. which is probably why when they DID acknowledge it—based on their fucking hopeless romantic bard friend with a boyfriend's description of how it feels—they added the modifier of "or something like it" when they defined it.

the weird thing is, though, they get that KINKAIDE loves THEM except for the fact that they don't because they really don't see anything but their flaws. and it's not even something that they feel bad for (unless it affects others), it's just kind of a fact of their existence. like, yes, they are flawed beyond any sort of fixing or loving. people don't like them. they're strange and off-putting. that's just how it is. nothing to be done about it.

(this also leads me to thinking that them thinking of day as a friend is a recent development. like i think in an abstract way they did but never actually called him a friend until meeting kinkaide, just treated him as one while thinking that's how you treat people you tolerate lmfao. i think their very very first impression of kinkaide was "you can sit with me because you don't give me a feeling of immense dread when i look at you")

ANYWAY

for kinkaide to love them even though in their own eyes they're inherently flawed on beyond being truly "lovable" is like. weird. but vian TRUSTS kinkaide and kinkaide (as far as i know, but i also trust kinkaide) doesn't lie. as in she literally made her first deception check today (nat 20) and it was because she was going red trying not to laugh. so their view of kinkaide's feelings is something like "okay this is conflicting with the whole 'i can't be loved' thing but i trust kinkaide so?????? there's gotta be something there"

the funny thing is they see kinkaide as VERY easy to like/love bc. she's kinkaide. she's sunny and sweet and strong and funny and smarter than she knows. of course vian likes kinkaide who the fuck wouldn't like kinkaide. why does kinkaide like them back? they don't know but there's gotta be something there bc kinkaide doesn't lie

TL;DR kinkaide came along and completely altered vian's entire worldview that's it that's the post

[suuho]

https://twitter.com/ooohjuun/status/1680935214196068352?s=46

this was a very sweet message from a fan to junmyeon regarding everything that’s happened recently, but i still can’t shake the angry feeling. he deserved to snap like that and i’m so sick of everyone treating him like shit. hell, some on-camera reassurance from the other members would be nice instead of teasing him every time there’s group content. sorry for the rant but it’s not fair for junmyeon to be everyone else’s cheerleader. where’s his fucking flowers? he’ll never do it but he needs to run away from there.

i saw that. it’s very sweet that someone took their time during the video call to reassure him, and i love that. you can tell how touched he was, how he leaned in to listen to them, and i know, like. i know that he knows we love him, that his fans adore and appreciate him, but it is nice for someone to tell him personally.

that said, i don’t think junmyeon should leave exo, and he won’t ever leave exo either. that is his life’s work. and he loves the members so much, it was very evident during the recent promotions that he’s happiest when he’s with them. that they’re all just happiest when they’re with each other, and i think the teasing is part of their love language. that is how they show their affection to junmyeon. also, we don’t know what they say to each other behind the scenes, how they check in with each other. i don’t think junmyeon would have put that much love, work and care into this group, his group, if he didn’t love them and if they didn’t love him right back. just yesterday, we got the exo-l japan videos where sehun compliments junmyeon, telling him what a good and strong leader he is, and that exo could only persevere because of him.

during the ready, set video, they remarked about how little junmyeon was eating. it’s not like they ignore him, or that they’re actively malicious to him. they love him, and they care in their own ways. (also, i’ve got the feeling that junmyeon is a little stubborn and would rather put it all on his plate than share. he is very noble that way, but it just doesn’t work out in the long run.)

i’m not an akgae or a solo; i don’t want kyungsoo out of the group either. what i want for exols/solos/etc and the general public to stop using junmyeon as their punching bag and show him some grace. he’s done nothing to warrant the hate he’s always at the receiving end of, and it’s just so aggravating. you can see how happy he is be with exo, but the fans of each member have convinced themselves that he’s some kind of villain for that. for keeping the group together. did you see kyungsoo this era? he loved it so much. he wants to work with exo, it’s the same fucking thing, but dandanies have deluded themselves into thinking this man needs to be taken out of this group, for some inane reason.

i’m digressing. it’s just, i think junmyeon is professional enough to not drag this onto stage or on camera, which is precisely while he used bubble, an app that you actually have to pay for to access. it’s more private than airing out his grievances in public, same thing happened with his heart4u episodes pre enlistment. i feel like he finds secluded spaces to let go like that, and being with the members is more healing than we could expect. he relies on them a lot, but he’s also very aware of his public persona and his appearance.

this feels like a rambly answer but there’s a bunch of thoughts i have on this subject, so maybe that’s why.

[sparkles-oflight]

Ramble incoming ❤️

Hearing people act like not hitting "relationship milestones” is somehow something to be ashamed of, whether they realise they're making people feel like that or not is SUCH A PET PEEVE OF MINE.

Not only is ridiculously ableist to assume or imply it's someone's “fault” it's also very naive. Everyone has different interests and exposures. I wouldn't want to recreate the relationships I've seen in my family that started under 20!

So many pursue relationship milestones just because they feel insecure and want people to perceive that they're wanted- so common among queer communities and ofc it's normal to want that, but not necessarily healthy to act on it. Personally, I feel good about myself and I enjoy intimacy, but I have lots of people around me anyway. So why should I feel a pressure to be in a relationship unless I want kids soon? My last relationship was nice, but I wouldn't take another one lightly, they're still exhausting even when good and healthy!

Even if you did have feelings for someone, it's still reasonable to be selective and get to know someone a bit so there's a level of trust before initiating anything intimate. Just basic physical safety and mental health protection! You can accept people's “issues” and flaws while still being discerning about what you perceive as safe and aligned with yourself. That's not being “picky”. Being picky would be ‘ew but they have blonde hair’, not ‘I think the way this person stops communicating with me with no warning sometimes is unhealthy for me’ or ‘I've seen the way they talk about xyz and I don't feel comfortable with that’

So, please, anyone, don't compare yourself to other generations or anyone who tries to make you feel bad so they can hype themselves up about something absolutely inane. Try and find some friends or mutuals who feel the same way rather than always being around people who try to make you feel inadequate for being totally normal and healthy. I love my friends; several of them are queer but we all feel the same way about this, so it's something we all like to rant in solidarity about when others seemingly don't understand something so basic! 🤝❤️

(sorry, I'll confess I got a bit lost in the first part that I even had to go to Google to translate it into my native language to see if it made sense)

The thing is: logically I know I have my time and I shouldn't compare myself to others and such. But then there are these voices in my head that scream with the Fear of missing out, you know?

But you are right in what you said. All of this began because I was putting into perspective the number of years of relationships in my family lasted (NOT EVEN THE QUALITY, BECAUSE THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY SHIT) next to my lifespan as a joke and as a way to make fun of my "chronic singleness" (that's what I like to call it).

What pissed me off was the comments from people close to me saying that kind of shit about being my fault/being picky/whatever and completely disrespecting me as a person and how I view love and relations because it doesn't fit with what they are used to.

[mynameisjessejk]

But In Our Selves, The Puzzle Deepens, Part 4

Feyrith woke to the sound of banal chatter. A new man had appeared, and settled himself at Feyrith’s fire with the invaders, and seemed to be blathering about rheumatism, of all things. The four soldiers looked bored to tears.

Feyrith squinted confusedly. Wasn’t that the Heir of Exhold? What was he doing here? And talking about rheumatism?

“And it runs in the family, you see, so I’m desperate to ask if I’m set to get it as well, or if there’s a way to prevent it. The herbalist back home says it’s hopeless,” the man rambled.

“Will you shut up?” one of the soldiers finally snapped.

Feyrith leaned forward interestedly.

“Oh,” Exhold said, seemingly unphased. “Sorry. I guess most people aren’t interested in a family history of unpleasantness. Or at least not someone else’s family. Reminds me of the time my aunt–on my father’s side, of course, not my mother’s, don’t have any aunts over there. Except by marriage,” he said.

The soldier snarled wordlessly and flung himself to his feet, storming away.

Feyrith grinned despite himself when Exhold said mournfully, “Was it something I said?”

One soldier went after his companion, one wandered into the main room for water, and the one remaining sighed, “With all this racket, the seer’s never coming back.”

“What do you want with him, anyway?” Exhold asked curiously.

“Oh,” the one left, the one Feyrith had pegged as being in charge, from the fancy insignia on his chest, said, sounding caught out, “Just want to ask him some questions.”

“That doesn’t sound very friendly,” Exhold said softly, tone completely different from his inane chatter of before.

Feyrith tensed, sure something was about to happen.

The other human felt it too, reaching for his weapons.

Exhold murmured thoughtfully, “You’re awfully well armed to come asking questions.”

Feyrith had thought the same.

Exhold’s knife was faster even than Feyrith’s elven eyes could follow, and the man was dead before he hit the floor.

The second man, returning unknowingly from the cistern, gurgled wetly when Exhold punched him in the throat, and then crumpled when Exhold rammed an arrow in his eye. Then Exhold drew his bow and strung in quickly. He shot the other two soldiers in rapid succession, likely even before they knew they were under attack.

Feyrith remained in his hiding spot as Exhold dragged the bodies into the woods one by one, and then returned and stoked the fire back up. Then Exhold set about straightening the shrine as best he could. “I mean you no harm,” he said conversationally without looking around. “Just have a question or two, and looking for a place to lie low for a while.”

“What question?” Feyrith asked.

Exhold settled beside the fire with what looked like knitting. “Working a case with my partner and could use some divine intervention,” he said wryly to the empty room. “Also, you told the king of Asharel I hold his death. Just wondering what that means.”

Feyrith dropped from the rafters and joined him by the fire. “I suppose I do appreciate you clearing that lot out,” he acknowledged. Up close, the human had the same laughing eyes from the visions, clear and playful, crinkled at the corners in amusement.

His potential fates, as usual, danced around his head as Feyrith regarded him up close for the first time: choking with fever in a dank cave with a curse-mark dark around his throat; losing blood from an ugly wound on his belly on a foggy battlefield; in a rich bed, surrounded by courtiers, face lined with age and pockmarked with excess; in a quiet house, surrounded by friends, peaceful, happy, and old. Feyrith blinked them all away; none was dominant right now, so they were all irrelevant.

Exhold, unaware of all of this, made a flourishing bow. “Glad to be of use,” he said happily.

“So you’re the Heir of Exhold,” Feyrith said.

“Everybody calls me Grim,” he replied.

“Grim,” Feyrith said incredulously. He looked the man up and down extravagantly, raising his eyebrows.

“Norgrim Fel,” the wildly inaccurately named Grim said cheerfully, laughing. “So, Grim.”

Feyrith shook his head, ruefully. Humans. “I’m Feyrith Vincaryn,” he answered curtly, “And I don’t know what it means that you hold his death. It just comes out.”

Fel sighed. “Ah well. So I hold his death; a bridge to cross when the water’s high,” he said reflectively.

“Holds you death in his hands,” Feyrith repeated. He always remembered the prophecies he’d been conscious for.

Fel gestured at the fire. “Can I tempt you with some stew? It’s definitely the best thing I know how to cook.”

Feyrith was not one to turn down food; he’d been hungry too often for that. He settled across the fire from his human guest. “If you insist.”

Fel started cooking, humming quietly to himself.

Feyrith tilted his head, watching. The human wasn’t filling the silence the way he had before. It had been an act, he decided, or at least a persona he could take on and off at will, and he obviously felt no need of it now.

“What is it?” Fel asked, without looking up from his vegetables.

Feyrith grumbled a little growl of a noise.

Fel put his hands up in surrender, his knife in one hand and a carrot in the other. “I just mean, I don’t mind if you ask me questions.”

Feyrith didn’t reply.

Fel cooked and hummed, seemingly unconcerned.

Finally, what was bothering Feyrith registered. “That’s an elven song.”

Fel nodded. “My partner taught me,” he said easily. “She grew up in Linathemar, before the pogroms, and her family lives in Nlesara now.”

Feyrith nodded. The pogroms in Linathemar had been long before he was born, but he knew the place. The city of Nlesara was a sanctuary city, one of the few which had anti-discrimination laws of all sorts on the books. It was also the only elven city in existence with a thriving Human Quarter–or it had been a hundred years ago, when Feyrith had been learning geography at the temple school. “It’s a lullabye,” Feyrith said, instead of any of that.

Fel hummed agreement and picked the tune up again without replying. He prodded the stew with a wooden spoon, and then settled with his hands in his lap, watching the pot.

“You have a case,” Feyrith said finally.

Fel glanced up at him. “Yeah,” he agreed. “And if you’ve insight, honestly I’d appreciate it, if you don’t mind.”

Feyrith cocked an eyebrow. He’d come all the way out here, and then was going to beat around the bush about it?

Fel shrugged. “So, the very short version is, Wiclef has gone back on his treaty with Avimere about his daughter and their prince, and there’s to be a war in Gadith Var, and some kind of cult is spreading a rumor that I’m going to come and champion Asharel in the war.”

Feyrith stared. “That’s stupid,” he said.

“Indeed,” Fel agreed. “And yet.” He gestured expressively and continued, “So the Rangers are trying to stop the war before it breaks out, and my particular task, mine and my partner’s, is to figure out the Exhold connection, since we obviously know that I am not planning to champion anyone in the coming war.”

Feyrith nodded slowly. Nothing was coming to him immediately, but it didn’t always. He might need to meditate on it. Or, perhaps if Fel asked him questions, sometimes he would know the answers. “Do you have a specific question?” he asked.

Fel shrugged. “Anything you can tell me would help,” he said. “But if I need to ask, I can try.”

Feyrith shrugged. “I’ll meditate this evening,” he said. “And if that doesn’t shake anything loose, you can try to ask me.”

Fel nodded and dished up the stew.

It was good stew. Feyrith didn’t say anything aloud, but he let himself hum in pleasure.

Fel grinned, pleased. “I’ll be here for a few days, at least,” he said. “While my partner asks around in Asharel. She told me to wait here for her. I’m going to do some hunting, tan some hides, dry some jerky,” he added. “Can I offer you supplies?”

Feyrith hummed in surprise. “I’ll make out all right,” he said. “The nearest village wouldn’t turn down meat for the winter.”

Fel nodded. “Sounds like a plan. I’ll leave you to your rest,” he said, nodding politely, “And I’ll see you in the morning.” Then he slipped from the temple into the woods.

Feyrith stared after him in baffled silence long enough to realize it had probably been rude not to reply.

[unopenablebox]

for the first time in my life i am keeping a book list for the year? don’t know what this means yet. i have read 20 books since january and all but three are murder mysteries. some of the murder mysteries have been very bad