#sorry i'm on too much of a high from doing the aforementioned

[athenaareia]

manoeuvred my way through crossing a road when both sides were on green light and then climbed on a moving bus.

this is what my city people mean when we talk about the spirit of this city.

[hairmetal666]

The worst thing that ever happened to Eddie Munson is a spinning studio opening in the building next to the neighborhood store he runs with his uncle.

"That's the third one today," Eddie whines as soon as the door snicks shut behind a woman with a glossy high ponytail and electric pink polka dot Lululemon sports bra and bicycle short set.

"You see her ponytail?" Nancy asks. She's flipping through a stack of flashcards. "Never seen a twenty-five year old look fresh off a facelift."

"I hate them so much. What kind of job is 'cycling instructor' anyway?"

"I'm concerned about the amount of makeup they wear to workout. That's gotta be bad for the pores."

"I'm concerned about the collective IQ holding that operation together. Like, do they know how to get out if there's a fire alarm?"

Nancy shoves him, but snickers too. It's not like he really has anything against the instructors. They're fine. Polite and usually harmless. It's the principle of it. It's not fair, that they get to continue into an adulthood that's still all about them being pretty and popular, without any substance.

"You've done college bio," he says. He notices a couple of cereal boxes have fallen over, hops off the counter to push them back in place. "What are the chances their muscles are so big it's cutting off the blood flow to their brains? Is that a thing that can happen?"

There's no response from the front of the store, which isn't unusual. Mostly, she lets him talk and chimes in when the mood strikes. Since she seems uninterested in offering her input, he straightens the cereal and keeps gabbing.

"The other day, one of the guys came in, and his shorts were so tight, I could see his balls. Not just the outline, but the wrinkles. I could almost make out individual pubes. Is that one of those things where they pretend they're limiting drag, or whatever, to improve their speed? Even though it's a stationary bike--"

He turns, the shelves straightened, and literally only three feet from him is one of the aforementioned cycling instructors. Unfortunately, he's the most beautiful man Eddie has ever seen. Even more unfortunately, he definitely heard Eddie making fun of them.

"Uhh," Eddie says.

The guy smiles. "Sorry, my giant muscles make it hard to get around sometimes."

And Eddie just. Like. What the fuck. "That must make it difficult to cycle." God, god but this guy is so fucking, devastatingly hot and all Eddie has done is antagonize him. And not even intentionally!

"I get by," he smiles and Eddie almost swoons. "Hey, when I bend down, can you let me know about the ball sitch? I have a wholesome image to maintain."

Is he flirting? It seems like he's flirting? But that's weird, right? He caught Eddie talking shit, why would he--

"It would be my pleasure to look at your balls," his mouth says before his brain can catch up.

The guy snorts, smile getting bigger. "I don't know, now I might be self-conscious. Might have a wayward pube."

"How will you know if someone doesn't take a look?"

The guy steps closer, cocks his head to the side. He's got this impressive sweep of hair that barely tumbles, his throat dotted with cute little moles and freckles. Eddie's mouth is watering, why is his mouth watering? "I usually get to know someone a little bit better before they get that privilege."

For once, he's speechless and now he's blushing, can feel it up to his ears and down to his nipples.

The guy leans even closer, breath ghosting against Eddie's skin. "Too bad you hate exercise instructors."

This social interaction has already been a disaster, but he makes it even worse by responding with an indignant squeak.

The guy winks, can't hide his genuine amusement at Eddie's expense. "You ever want to make it up to me, you can come to one of my classes."

With that, he walks up to Nancy at the counter, and Eddie gets his first look at the single most glorious ass he's ever seen. His mouth literally drops open as he watches how it jiggles, perfect and round, and he wonders if it would be too much to fall to his knees and worship it right then and there.

Eddie's dumbstruck for a little too long, almost misses as the cycling instructor heads for the door. "How can I take your class if I don't know your name?" He shouts.

The instructor half turns, the sexiest, smuggest smile on his pretty face. "It's Steve!" He yells back.

"I'm Eddie!"

"I know!"

The door closes and he turns to Nancy. "How--how did he know my name?"

Nancy rolls her eyes, goes back to her flashcards. "You're wearing a name tag, you absolute dork."

Eddie knows he's a man of weak will. Is not completely surprised when, after a month of meanly flirtatious interactions, Steve leans across the counter to taunt, "you do one cycling class with me and I'll take you out to dinner."

He's fresh from a workout, hair still damp and messy from the shower. Eddie thinks he's about to lose his mind, desire a clawing beast gnawing on his bones.

"Oh, so I might finally get the opportunity to check out your balls?"

Steve's cheeks go very pink, and something tight and hot tugs in Eddie's abdomen. "If you play your cards right."

[horsedylan]

Since we’re on the subject of things being fake. This post?

Yeah. Fanfiction that has been derived from the truth. Its been going around since 2015 so idk who made it..But do not worry. It is I, the humble horsedylan here to offer you Horseumbine information and lead you on the right path so you can meet god!

Whenever one of my lovely and good natured mutuals reblogs this I get itchy. It’s a conflation of two events with some creative liberties. And it certainly didn’t happen a few months before the massacre. If anything we can place the tampon incident in junior year according to Brooks Brown (source: www.westword.com/news/the-missing-motive-5063685)

Incident Statement One.

We can simmer this event down to four sources; Here is one from Sue and Tom's police interview.

"Mr. Klebold said that Dylan was sheltered at his classes at Governor’s Ranch. The Klebold’s perspective in that Dylan seemed well adjusted. Mrs. Klebold then stated the only time she ever saw Dylan cry was once when he came home from school and went to his bedroom. Dylan then took a box of stuffed toys from the closet and buried himself and fell asleep underneath the stuffed toys. Mrs. Klebold said that she checked on what the problem was, however, Dylan would never tell her what had caused him to cry. The Klebolds indicated that they monitored everything about Dylan and Mr. Klebold said that based on his own experience, Dylan seemed normal. Mr. Klebold went on to state that he asked Dylan in the past if people were picking on him and Dylan would tell him no, and would point out that he was 6’4" so people wouldn’t pick on him, however, Dylan did indicate that people picked on Eric" this wasn't in high school!!! and she didn't ignore him!!!

Source: https://zanazl.tripod.com/Columbine/Suspects/DylanKlebold/Interview.html

Incident Statement Two.

This was taken from Andrew Solomon's book Far From the Tree;

"Unbeknownst to the Klebolds, Dylan had experienced significant humiliation at school, though he was six feet four and not easy to push around. He had come home one day with ketchup spots all over his shirt, and when his mother asked what had happened, he said he’d had the worst day of his life and didn’t want to talk about it. Months after his death, she learned of an incident in which Dylan and Eric had apparently been shoved and squirted with ketchup by kids calling them f*gs. “It hurt so much that I’d seen the remnants of that day and hadn’t helped him,” Sue Klebold said." (Page 590)

Dylan explicitly lied or shrugged things off each and every time she tried to help. I'm sorry but simply put, people can't help you if you buck it and obstruct them each and every time they ask you what's up.

Incident Statement Three.

This is also taken from the aforementioned Andrew Solomon book;

"Every year on Dylan’s birthday, Tom goes up to the place where the two used to hike and takes a Dr Pepper, because Dylan loved Dr. Pepper, and the stuffed koala that was Dylan’s childhood favorite" (Page 594)

Incident Four.

When he was in middle school, he had gone up to his room after a bad day. She went in to bring him some chocolate milk and he had been crying. She asked again, what happened. All he was willing to tell her was that some kids were mean to him.

Like people will complain about how some people take this shit too seriously ( and to an extent I get where you're coming from for sure.) and complain about the seriousness of infoposters but then go on to simultaneously complaining about Dave Cullen and the smear job he did on E. Like you acknowledge that if you aren’t careful you spread misinformation so..idk. Okay yeah its a tumblr post and not a book fair point but then why bother having info posts at all lol. Its one thing to make a mistake thats fine, I make mistakes with my infoposts ALLLL the time. and thats okay but spreading fanfiction and calling it fact is another matter.

I think one of the reasons why this annoyed me so much is that people have such a ridiculous hate boner for Sue that they just lie about her ignoring her son to make her look bad. Its cringe. She didn’t, she asked him so many times and Dylan lied to her constantly. Like I legitimately saw some of you fuckers going off about how you can’t wait for this VICTIM (and yes. She is a victim) to die explicitly because of this post. I’m gonna be doing a post about her in the coming weeks probably (I mean half of it is already written up) because holy moly.

I'm also gonna save this in a google doc or on obsidian just in case lol.

Edit: updated with page numbers.

[wordstome]

COD Men as Dream Daddy DILFs

Call of Duty single dads x gn!single parent reader

⤐Characters: 141 + König + Horangi + Keegan

⤐Premise: You just moved into a neighborhood with a high population of retired military personnel.

*glances at my 3-4 wips* let's talk about some dilfs, shall we? ...Don't look at me. I had a vision. (No relation to the actual characters from Dream Daddy, just a similar premise) Also a disclaimer: I'm writing these dads mostly in their late 30s to 40s, but don't think about their ages and the ages of their kids too much. This is all vibes. And sorry ahead of time if I gave one of the kids the same name as you 💀 Feel free to imagine the kid has a different name because the names really don't matter

p.s. I wanted to write more characters but I had to reel myself in. I could be persuaded to write a part 2 with Vaqueros, Nikolai, Valeria, Nikto, and other Ghosts tbh

Warning: this shit is LENGTHY. Strap yourself in.

Price: A post about DILFs and you expect me not to start with Captain John Price? Price is the lynchpin of this cul de sac. He's the one inviting everyone over to the barbecue, tries to get the dads to get along, and gives everyone advice. He has the quintessential dad energy. He 100% slaps his knees and says "well!" when he gets up. Price also has major girl dad energy. He's got three adorable little ladies, aged 3 (Clara), 9 (Brianna), and 11 (Alice). Yes, he did name his daughters in ABC order, I can see him doing that. Oh, he dotes on his girls, and they love their dad endlessly. He's the model father: recitals, sports, parent teacher conferences, you name it, he's there.

That's how the two of you meet: he comes up to you at one of the aforementioned events and gives you a firm handshake and apologizes profusely for not coming around to introduce himself earlier. It's not like him not to at least swing by, and he hopes you can forgive him the discourtesy. He hands you his number and says anything you need, just give him a call, or maybe swing by for a beer sometime. He gives you a wink that makes your knees weak, a wink that says he definitely noticed you checking out his muscled arms and broad shoulders. Maybe you will swing by for that beer sometime—and maybe get a little more than just a drink.

Ghost: I could see Simon having a one night stand kid. He certainly never saw himself starting a family after he lost his last one, but he was stressed and probably piss drunk as well. Years and years later, he's back from deployment and finds a social worker with a boy on his doorstep, and the rest is history. I love the idea of Simon with a moody 16 year old, but I actually see Simon and his son having the same dynamic as Mike and Abby Schmidt from the FNAF movie. Since Simon wasn't around for Caden's early childhood, they have a relationship that's undeniably father and son, but leaning towards casual and sibling-like. Simon's figuring his shit out, dealing with his PTSD and the various lasting health issues his time in special forces has left him with, and Caden's a quiet, sensitive 10 year old boy who thinks the world of his dad.

You meet Simon at the local bar. His Ghost days are long behind him, but the balaclava's a hard habit to kick. Besides, he doesn't need people staring at his scars. He's usually there with the 141, but today he's alone, and looks like he could use some company. You sit up at the bar close to him and order a drink, but you don't disturb him, and he visibly relaxes when he realizes you're not going to try to make small talk. It becomes a routine, the two of you: always sharing a quiet drink together at the bar, and then both of you wordlessly go home to your kids. You have a sort of silent conversation every time: Good to see you again. Yeah, you too. Neither of you actually speak a word to the other until Price introduces you to him at a gathering, and you finally hear his voice. "We've met before," he says, with a glint in his eye that suggests perhaps he'd like to be more than just a silent drinking buddy. That's fine with you: you're dying to see what's under the mask and dark hoodie.

Soap: JOCK ALERT. Johnny's basically Craig from Dream Daddy: total dreamboat who goes on runs around the neighborhood and gets all the appreciative looks from the local moms. He thrives on the attention in a way that definitely makes the 141 roll their eyes. He's got an older little girl named Elodie, and a lil baby boy Thomas that he takes everywhere with him. Obviously he's just being a responsible parent taking care of an infant, but secretly, Thomas is a great conversation starter with aforementioned local moms.

Conversely however, it's Johnny who makes the move on you first. Maybe in the grocery store, maybe at one of Price's get-togethers. Sidles up to you and introduces himself with a look in his eye that means trouble. Only the good kind of trouble, of course. If you reciprocate and he finds out you're single, you're not getting rid of him. But why would you want to, anyway? He's endlessly charming, attentive, and good with his hands. When he's fixing a leaky tap for you, of course—what did you think I meant?

Gaz: Kyle "Gaz" Garrick is a fucking heartthrob. I'm saying it right here, right now. He's a walks in with flowers, makes you dinner kind of partner. Also househusband vibes, because, surprise: Kyle is still married. This isn't a Joseph (Dream Daddy) situation, though: he and his wife, Emily, have known each other for a long time, a very high school sweethearts situation. Over the years, though, they drifted apart with Kyle in the military, and Emily eventually realized she's not actually into men. They're still married for coparenting purposes: they've got an older teenage girl named Violet, and a younger boy named Elliott. (Yes, I'm naming him after Elliot Knight, sue me.)

Honestly, I think it would be HILARIOUS if you met Kyle on a dating app and realized he's your next-door neighbor. But however you guys meet, Kyle is an old-school courter kind of guy. He is taking you on dinner dates, listening to you rant about your day, and is on your doorstep in a heartbeat when you call him in a panic because your kid's running a 105 fever (41 in Celsius) and you need a ride to the emergency room. (Not that the other dads wouldn't do the same, but I'm trying to convey "most reliable man in the world" vibes here.)

König: Y'all...you don't know how much fucken time I've spent thinking about this man as a dad. He's in the same boat as Ghost where he never saw himself living long enough to start a family, but here he is with the most precious little girl you've ever laid eyes on. Ava's got her father's curly hair and big green eyes, and she has her dad wrapped around her pinky finger. For König, Ava is living proof that he's capable of being more than just a tool for violence.

You meet König through Ava, of course. Your kids are the closest of friends, and the two of them are constantly going over to each other's houses. You're obviously delighted that your kid is making new friends and fitting in so well, but you'd be lying if your heart didn't skip a beat whenever you open your door to see Ava's six foot ten dad standing there with soft eyes and a sheepish smile. I have to stop here, because I've already written an extra paragraph for this man that I've cut out and pasted for safekeeping in my notes app, and if encouraged I will write more. (Please encourage me.)

Horangi: I know we already had a sort of Robert (Dream Daddy) figure with Ghost, but I think Horangi is a dad whose kid is an adult, much like Robert and Val. I also think that out of all the dads, Horangi is likely the one who's still doing some level of military work. Either that, or he has a very demanding job that takes up a lot of his time. He's ashamed of the way he let his gambling affect his family in the past, and is making up for it by being responsible and keeping his finances in order.

You don't meet him until you've lived in the neighborhood for quite a while, but he pops up at a gathering, talking quietly with König in a corner. You'd thought you had met every neighbor in the cul de sac, so you're intrigued by the newcomer. Someone, probably Price, tells you what Hong-jin's deal is, and ever since that you just can't keep your eyes off of him. You can't quite work up the nerve to talk to him, so you occupy yourself talking with the other parents. Some time later, you're at the food table grazing on the snacks when you look up and make eye contact with him. There's something intense in his gaze that makes you freeze, like a deer in headlights. He's definitely checking you out, you think. Your chest erupts into nervous butterflies when he starts walking towards you.

Keegan: Keegan is an adoptive father! I love his dynamic with the Walker boys, so I can see him being the kind of guy who adopts an older teenager so they have a home and a family instead of aging out of the system. Jason and Cecelia are high school age siblings who would have been separated otherwise, and consider Keegan their dad in every way that's important.

I think you and Keegan are definitely rivals in some way. Maybe it's a PTO thing, maybe he gets a little too boisterous at your kids' sports game. Whatever it is, you can't stand the man, but your annoyance whenever he's around only seems to amuse him. You have no problem saying to his face exactly what you think about him, but unfortunately, Keegan can see right through you. And hey, Cecelia could use some experience as a babysitter, so you won't have to worry about spending the night over at his place, will you?

As always, I wanna hear peoples' thoughts and feedback! If you want to hear more about these dads, drop me an ask <3

[luvfy0dor]

Helloo! I love your blog smm! could I request fyodor with a child reader that’s very curious about things and often ask him about lots of things and do often run from his sight cause they saw something that peaks their interests? ^^ so sorry that this request was kinda long 😭

“But Satisfaction Brought It Back ♡⁠˖” Dad!Fyodor w/ Child! Reader ੈ✩‧₊˚

Warnings; none

Description; Fyodor brings curious child!reader to the park, but after being essentially exiled from the playground by some randos, reader sees something moving in the grass and chooses to investigate

A/n: I'M SO SORRY THIS TOOK ME SO LONG I FEEL AWFIL, I HIPW ITS ACCEPTABLE AT LEAST </3 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE COMPLIMENTS

Headcannons;

★ Fyodor loves that you're curious, but sometimes the amount of questions you ask makes him wonder if your jaw ever gets tired from moving so much. He knows you didn't get that trait from him.

★ If you run away from him, he's walking after you at the fastest speed possible for him. He warns you not to go far because his stamina doesn't allow him to chase after you, but you still do it and it gets on his nerves a little. He knows you don't mean to, but it stresses him out like no other.

★ He often lets Nikolai tag along when he brings you to do fun stuff just in case he ends up needing the extra hand, and Nikolais ability is always great to bring you back to them.

Scenario;

You had one hand in Nikolais and one in Fyodors, happily walking along with them through a park near your home on a beautiful spring afternoon. They decided to have tea together earlier and figured it was a nice day for an outing. They picked you up and brought you to the park and sat on a bench next to one another while you ran off to climb on the playground. It didn't take long for you to socialize, immediately interacting with a girl your age. "Hey, you! Yeah, you with the blue shirt. You're not allowed up here, you don't have the password." You looked at the girl with confusion, grimacing and crossing your arms. "Well it's not your playground, I'm allowed up here if I want to! My papa brought me to play and that's what I'm gonna do." You reply, your eyebrows furrowed and a visible pout on your face.

"That's too bad! Scurry along, you peasant!" She sneered. It made you want to cry a little, but you bit your lip and stormed off. A small group of kids who seemed to be apart of her posse watched. You huffed and went to sit with your papa and uncle, plopping down on the bench. Fyodor and Nikolai instantly picked up on your sad demeanor. "Aw, what's wrong, Malyshka? Are you alright?" He asked, a hand rubbing your back sweetly. You nodde d and leaned into him, making him frown. "C'mon, kiddo, I'll play with ya if you'd like! We're those other brats mean to you?" He asks, bending down to your level. You shook your head and rubbed the oncoming tears out of your eyes. "No, they weren't..I'll go play again in a second, I just fell." Nikolai stands back up and rubs your head. "Alright, if that's what you'd like." He returns to Fyodors side, resuming their conversation. Fyodors comforting hand remained on your shouder for awhile before you decided to get back up. "M'going to play again, papa." You declared, humbly walking back over to the playground and settling for the swings. You sat down and started swinging your legs back and forth, watching the nature around you. You weren't too high in the air before you saw a something moving through the grass across the park. You dragged your feet to come to a halt and walked away from the swing set.

The closer you got, you could tell that the moving thing was actually a large, brown rabbit. Your eyes widened with excitement and you approached it further, following it through a patch of brush. The rabbit noticed you and jumped further into the woods, over logs and rocks. You followed it continuously, stumbling over the aforementioned obstacles trying to reach it. It was about this time where Fyodor noticed that the swing was sitting nearly perfectly still without you on it and his eyes immediately darted around the playground. When he couldn't find you, he called out your name, drawing the attention of the attention of the other kids. "I think I saw someone go down there." The girl from earlier pointed towards the woods. Fyodor cursed under his breath and made his way towards the forest as quickly as possible with Nikolai. "Y/n! Come back here!" He called out for you, worried and annoyed all at once. You had successfully pounced on the bunny, holding it in your arms and heading towards Nikolai and your papa again. You had now been satisfied in catching the rodent, an innocent expression on your face when your papa came into view. The rabbit was squirming in your grasp, but you held him out to your father.

"Papa, Uncle Nikolai, look what I caught!" Fyodor let's out a sigh of relief but places a hand on your back and guides you back to the playground. "Let that filthy animal go, sweetheart, it's probably diseased, and you cannot keep running off like that! I was worried sick, don't do that ever again." He says, a hand over his heart. You reluctantly let the rabbit go, turning to watch it dash off. "I'm sorry papa.." you mumble, grabbing at his cape. He sighs. "It's not fine, but I'm more happy that I found you than I am angry at you." He says, Nikolai nods in agreement. You sigh in relief and go to sit down on the bench, but Fyodor pulls you right back up by your shirt, like a kitten by the scruff. "No, you're going home to wash those rodent germs off of your hands, and then you're gonna pick up your bedroom while your at it." He says. You groan and accept the light punishment he gave. "Yes papa..." You weren't to upset about it all in all, because he could have been harsher on you, especially since you've repeatedly done this, but instead he only wanted you to clean your room; leaving the park and those mean kids behind isnt a loss in the slightest.

A/n; again I'm so sorry if this is bad, I feel horrible for it being so late but I'm locking in on my reqs now yall istg

[meaningofaeons]

Hello! Have you played the latest part of the xianzhou quest? If not ignore this ask lmao.

If yes, holy shi the potential for hurt comfort in the scenes of the final battle against phentylia??

I wanted to ask if you could write a hurt/comfort fic jing yuan x reader, where reader is in the battle and sees all the shit go down and is quite shaken.

Thanks!

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈ at the end of immortality

⊹ character(s) - jing yuan ⊹ word count - 829 ⊹ notes - SPOILERS FOR 1.2 TRAILBLAZE MISSION !!!, gn!reader, hurt/comfort, reader is like jing yuan's right-hand in battle and in the seat of divine foresight/implied to be a guard of some sort to him, reader and jing yuan are not together but they're both pining hard, a bit angsty but still comfort, not edited sorry

hi anon omg. this ask got me giggling kicking my feet like YES... thank you for requesting!! (＾º◡º＾❁) (also im so sorry I made this a little more angsty than I expected to wtf!!!!)

You were mad. Furious, even.

Jing Yuan could tell without even beholding your expression that you were positively seething with rage.

Towards him.

He dare not say a word about your current state to your face, though. Not when you silently draped new bandages over his wounds, and not when your hands lingered just a bit longer than they should've.

Not when he could feel the near-imperceptible tremble of your fingertips as you carefully nursed him back to health, treating him like a precious ornament that may break at the slightest touch.

"...How bad is it?"

The General's hoarse voice cut the silence like Dan Heng's spear had cut right through his torso.

Your mind flashed back to the scene, forcing you to squeeze your eyes shut.

"General!"

Jing Yuan fell through the air as Phantylia's grip faltered at last. He wasn't a Void Ranger, but...

Seeing the spear of the Vidyadhara High Elder pierce him had just about sent the same level of fear shooting through you. As though the weapon had pierced your chest, instead.

"Y/N, wait!"

"Imbibitor Lunae, what did you—?!"

Your fury came off in waves, your distress even more palpable. The aforementioned Vidyadhara—no, Dan Heng—approached you with the General in his arms, handing him off with little resistance as you helped the man to a stand.

He was still alive. You could've wept. He was still alive.

But he wasn't okay.

"I told you to stay back," you whispered, forcing your hands to still as you finished patching up his wound. They brushed over the space where Dan Heng's spear hit, and you winced at Jing Yuan's flinch.

At his slight chuckle, you worried he might come up with some witty quip that would undoubtedly enrage you into pounding your fist against his wounded back.

Instead, he only turned to gaze at you, golden eyes smoldering.

"You know I couldn't do that."

As angry as you were, you did know.

But still...

What use is a guard if their charge is always the one at the front lines?

As the General of the Xianzhou Luofu... what could you even do for such a brilliant man?

"If it had been you up there, I may have died in my worry. I'm not getting any younger, my dear."

"And neither am I. Do you have no care for the pain you put my heart through?"

Your words were far from proper, your actions even less so as you rested your weary head on the General's shoulder. He seemed to lack any concern for his own propriety, his hand reaching up to grasp your own, his rough thumb brushing your fingertips with a delicate tenderness you didn't want to think too much into.

"...I'm sorry."

Jing Yuan's relenting words were bittersweet to your wanting ears, roughened by his strain. You clutched his hand just a bit tighter.

"Is that an apology for your actions, or an apology for the fact that you'll continue to be reckless until the day you die?"

He chuckled more. The sound sent a warm, tingling feeling through your chest, a feeling that you desperately clutched to in your distress.

"Would you hit me if I said both?"

"I'll be merciful enough to save it for when you're in better shape."

The rumbling laughter continued, and you silently scolded the man for the chance of exacerbating his wounds. He only deflected the blame unto you for your quip, and you sighed out.

Ease. Your anger dissipated, fading into a comfortable silence that the General did not dare break again.

He also did not dare, however, to turn and face you. You were grateful for that.

Because in spite of your assuaged rage, your abated worries, you still fear many things.

You fear seeing new scars on Jing Yuan that you did not have to see before. You fear seeing the exhaustion grow in his youthful features, yet aged all the same. You fear the possibility that he is only a phantasm, that the mara has stricken your mind at last and all you have left of him is a pathetic delusion created by your own longing.

More than any of that, somehow, you fear that if he were to turn around in this very moment, you would cross that one line you had sworn never to touch.

The line that, when crossed, would allow you to abandon all restraint. The line that, when crossed, would mean you grasp your General in the way you've longed to, kissing him slowly to make sure he's really still here with you. To make him promise he would be here with you, forever, until the end of your immortality.

Judging from the way Jing Yuan placed his rough lips upon the back of your hand, you knew he was thinking the same.

Not yet. Not now, not even now.

But perhaps one day, it wouldn't be such a daunting wall to scale.

[hunterwritesstuff]

Nsfw alphabet for subspace (but the sub in subspace lol)

Sure!

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex): He, uh...he tries. He'll get you tea or whatever you need, but you have to actively TELL HIM what you need, since he can't pick up on shit too well.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s): He likes his hands, he knows how gentle they are ;) Also like, he loves his partner's chest, no matter what gender, he likes being able to lean against them :)

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically): Seeing his partner's face all messy from sucking him off gets him riled up something fierce.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs): If you touch a specific spot behind his left horn, he'll fold like a lawn chair immediately.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?): Semi-experienced.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying): Missionary lmao(Also mating press if he knows you well enough)

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.): He tries to be more serious

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.): "You're supposed to groom down there?!"

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect): He starts off pretty normal, but overtime, he gets more desperate and whiney.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon): he found out how to make a realistic copy of his partner's hand and uses that to jack himself off.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks): He's definitely more of a risk taker, but he also likes getting cuffed/pinned against a desk.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do): Literally fucking anywhere.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going): His thighs being touched, his horns being rubbed, his partner whispering to him.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs): Never anything with bodily fluids. He may be a freak, but he's not THAT MUCH of a freak.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.): He loves giving and receiving equally :3

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.): If he somehow manages to get on top, he's fast and desperate. This man is chasing his high like a Goddamn chihuahua on crack.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.): He's fine with them every-so-often, but if they're TOO often, he'll worry he's doing something wrong("Do you not want to spend as much time together, darling??")

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.): He's game to experiment ;)

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?): Probably one of the phighters with the highest staminas.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?): The aforementioned partner hand copy

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease): He cannot tease, he just. needs his relief as soon as possible.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.): VERY FUCKING LOUD, LOTS OF WHIMPERS AND WHINES.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character): He records his partner's noises for personal assistance ;)

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes): He's probably like. 7 inches long.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?): Pretty high, I'd wager, LOOK AT HIM, HE'S SEXUALLY REPRESSED

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards): He's out like a light, I'm sorry :(

[azaharinflames]

I fell into the deepest depression I’ve had for years when Buck and Tommy broke up. I just wanted to cry so badly but decades of trauma kept me from doing that. Add on that Trump had just been re-elected, and add in that my Dad had been admitted to hospital with a collapsed lung it just took me down.

I’ve mostly gotten over it. I spent 24 hours writing my idea of a fix it fic (won’t happen on show cause they all suck but it was cathartic). I can’t remember what caused my breakdown but I did end up crying. My eyes felt less puffy after as well.

I understand that it’s a fake relationship in a fake show but something about it spoke to me. And just watch it end hurt me worse. The last time I had actually cried hard was in 2021 when my mother-in-law passed away from COVID. So why did this stupid relationship affect me so much. I feel embarrassed for reacting this badly. I don’t even like to talk to my partner about it because he wouldn’t understand.

Hi, Nonnie! Thank you for your ask.

I am so, so sorry to read that. Listen - it's not stupid. It's not embarrassing So don't think your feelings surrounding it and your reaction to any of it is that, because I promise you: nothing about it should make you feel embarrassed.

Here is the thing: Art, in whatever form, is one of the things that move people the most, historically*. Art is a universal language that doesn't simply exist in a painting or a sculpture but in a myriad of different forms that, especially in the last few decades, have expanded immensely. Art can be a channel for our emotions, can be our choice of escapism, can be the thing we see ourselves reflected in and thus, the thing that we connect to because, hey - that's us. And if we see 'us' overcoming on screen, surely we can overcome in real life, right? That's one of the reasons why representation is so damn important.

Yeah, it was a relationship. But it shouldn't be reduced to just that. Instead of dismissing our feelings by making our issue seem nonsensical and small, let's think - my issue was because a piece of Art I connected to deeply was dealt with in a damaging way. And that carries consequences.

There is also the fact that, I think, for a lot of us, it was more than the break-up. The biggest thing to take into context was the election because it is just a matter of fact that we needed a win so bad that week, and we got the opposite of that. To get a bit more personal, I was already dealing with my town being hit with the worst natural disaster in my country this century, still had to hear from some of my friends to know if they were okay or even alive (fortunately, they're all fine), and I was seeing only tragedy whenever I went online. So this happening hit me really hard as well - but, like you, it was one of the things. Still, I spent three days barely able to take a bite and barely able to sleep, and a week with really high anxiety.

And sure, I did feel silly, but if I do love one thing, I sure do love introspection, I reached the aforementioned conclusion and reflection on Art (let me know if it helped or is a bunch of bs tho).

I think what you're doing, writing a fix-it fic, is amazing! You're channeling your feelings through Art, and I am sure it does feel very cathartic. I haven't written for 911 yet (definitely want to, I have some ideas that could work), but I have some years of writing for Marvel and Seblaine (Glee) on my back, so trust me when I say this is the better choice you could do - channel your feelings through your Art, and you will end up with something beautiful, I'm sure of it.

Sorry this was too long, but I'm here if you (or anyone else) needs to rant, vent, or discuss something (911 or whatever, something else is valid as well)

Take care, Nonnie <3 and all of you as well <3

*I have a bachelor's on this, please trust me on it lmao

[quandaryqueen]

Familiar face

BTAS Jonathan Crane X Reader

Your beverage spills on his shirt in a café and it's his fault.

@jesterglitch's request, though i have taken some creative liberties to it :3 I hope you enjoy!

CW: Drugging. It is Scarecrow we are talking about.

Test subject number one had walked in, rushing in to get their caffeine-fill for the day, not even bothering to dust themselves off from the snowfall outside. Their thick knitted scarf concealing the bottom half of their face and their matching hat obscured their head. Just your typical Gotham dweller. They take their seat just behind Jonathan's booth and he was delighted at how you were making it easy for him.

You can catch Jonathan running tests out it in the open on a Friday afternoon in a quaint little café in Gotham city. Nothing too major, his unknowing test subjects would even brush it off as caffeine jitters. It wasn't even to make new discoveries, he just wants to witness a watered down concoction of his work in a sea of people cramped inside a busy café, plus the aforementioned effects of caffeine, how would it affect them with the addition of the fear gas?

From the corner of his eye, you take your scarf off. He produces a small bottle from his pocket and sprays at your direction, in a discreet manner, as if he was spraying himself with his cologne. He waits a few minutes more, knowing the diluted concoction will take time to take effect. He empties his own cup, before standing from his booth, looking over at your direction, concealing it with an act of asking for a refill.

You looked relatively normal, idle. Any seconds now... there we go, a slight change in your expression, a wince. You press a hand to your chest, feeling your heart rate raise, then glanced to your coffee with a concerned look in your eyes. Your cup had already been halfed.

Jonathan hadn't known you ordered decaf. If you didn't, you would not have stood from your booth to approach the counter and he would not have recognised you. Before he could register anything else, decaf coffee spills on his chest.

"Oh my god! I am so sorry—"

Oh my fucking god...

"Y/N?!" Jonathan exclaims, earning a few headturns from other patrons. His eyes bulging out of their sockets and jaw on the ground.

Y/N L/N, an old time friend that he hasn't seen in a good while. He's known you for about... Ten years now, since high school. You were one of the few— er, maybe the only one he tolerated in high school. The odds of running into you was astronomically astonishing—

"Johnathan?!" You exclaimed back, as equally surprised as he is, but oblivious about the crime he has inflicted upon you. "Oh my gosh I'm so sorry about your shirt..."

"And I am sorry..." Jonathan states through gritted teeth with a wince, but not from the pain of your burning coffee penetrating through his skin. "How are you feeling?"

You stare at him like he has two heads. "How am I feeling?! You're the one covered in coffee! Oh my gosh..."

A young waiter shuffles to your direction, handing you tissues in which you thanked her before using them to dab against the coffee stain.

"I should have watched where I was going, gosh this isn't how I expected our reunion to be..." You groaned to yourself.

"No, no, I should have been the one who's watchful..." Jonathan knowingly says with a grimace. To commiserate with you, he also did not expect that he would be spraying fear toxin at your direction in your unexpected reunion.

"Are... you okay? Do you... need to... take you shirt off?" You're breathing heavily and Jonathan knows it's his fault.

"I-I'm fine, really. How about you?" Abnormality in your breathing, change in your complexion, pupil dilation...

"No no I'm fine— I'm—" And down you go.

You stumble forward, Jonathan looked too prepared to catch you while the other cafe patron's looked over at the commotion. So much for an experiment and for the reunion.

[chairteeth]

Nemu's life as a wheelchair user and how terrible f4 is at portraying it (or, well, Not portraying it)

Buckle up I have a list of PointsTM. I will be going into Japan's history with disability as well as what life is like on a wheelchair.

First though, because I want this to have the intended effect, I recommend going over Nemu's swimsuit costume story again. It is Very Relevant. I recommend you enjoy the fluff of it too, before I dump the depressing thing about it on you. Though I will say I really REALLY appreciate how far Touka always goes to make Nemu feel comfortable and supported and listened to and cared for in every situation and- is shot.

So, apparently this room has a big mirror, and Nemu gets uncharacteristically giddy and we get this scene that Will hurt you. She even says that she finds this just as important as the liberation plan.

They had ALL OF THE SETUP, ALL OF IT. And now I would like to also share a recent analysis of Nemu's wheelchair that I dragged some wheelchair users to do, then I'll start thrashing and yelling about the significance of such a change. For reference we mainly have the sprite right:

I'm going to provide the relevant texts directly for you:

no theres like zero leg support beyond the foot plate and even the way the foot plate is designed implies that she has pretty good motor control over her legs

ya no calf pads or anyting smh

and whats with the armrests those dont look v comfy??

i doubt she needs much body support beyond the walking there's proper cushioning elsewhere, though

I can't see a headrest either, and the backrest is not very high, so I'm pretty sure she just can't walk and everything else is largely fine

Me:

it's a separate continuity, but in the anime Nemu can stand. We don't see her walking but we see her standing a few times, and some of them are at points where she has to have walked at least a little bit, so I definitely think it's not "100% can't walk" but rather something more complex. Even before she was a magical girl we saw her standing in the hospital, though you could argue that was before whatever anime illness she has got worse

huh. that sounds like chronically ill person energy conservation to me at least in the anime. me and (name omitted) do that, were usually on our wheelchairs because a walk to the grocery store may be too much and we might keel over from the pain or exhaustion. what about the game?

Me:

I don't think she can walk at all in the game? The times she's not in her wheelchair, someone is carrying her, iirc. I told you that the cause of it was her shaving away her life force repeatedly, and I've explained the other symptoms, but truth be told, we don't see those other symptoms again post Arc 1 (which I think is just because she's under less stress and not constantly shaving away the aforementioned life force), and we were sadly robbed of any kind of "discovery" scene where we get her actual reaction and yk, her assessing the permanent damage done to her body?

Me:

I told you guys how soul gems work as essentially the girl's soul puppetting her body, right? My personal theory is that she did so much damage to herself that it significantly weakened part of the soul gem-body connection. I thought it may have been severed, but if that were the case, I'm pretty sure her legs would just rot off, since magical girl bodies rot when separated from their soul gems for too long iirc, plus she can feel temperature on them so

WHY DIDNT YOU TELL US ABOUT THE TEMPERATURE THING

Me:

I'M SORRY IT'S AN OBSCURE ASSUMPTION BASED ON A QUOTE OR TWO ABOUT A FUCKING KOTATSU, THEY NEVER FUCKING TALK ABOUT THE DETAILS OF THE LEG THING, I WAS TRYING TO STICK AS CLOSE TO THE TEXT AS POSSIBLE

Me:

she's also never complained about pain from her legs, she's lamented the whole being unable to walk once or twice ("this body of mine can't help in any significant way") but never said a word about pain or other complications. Granted, she's also a people pleaser who would rather put on a stoic face than mildly inconvenience literally anyone

yea then it might just be she cant do the walking motions reliably. didnt you say she has an overprotective gf? The gf may have argued for the wheelchair thing to be on the safe side

mmmmmmmmmm ye sounds about right

They also talked a bit about control pads and wheels but this was the summary one of them gave me:

So in short, Nahi: mobility and feeling all good, but no walkies or will fall on face and fracture skull

That's the analysis and conclusion of that part, which will help discuss the next one. Now, first of all... I have complained MANY TIMES about our lack of any scene where this permanent damage is revealed to the characters. They skipped over that. Which I thought, oh, okay, maybe we'll get it in a costume story for the wheelchair sprite. We did not get that! And that's important. Because see, Nemu I think might be able to hide her initial raw reaction depending on who was in the room with her. If she was alone or (preferably and probably likeliest) with Touka, she might not hide it, but it has to have sunk in that she would be dead to her family again. And for a character who so desperately wanted to fit in with her family, go camping with them, and presumably do all the outdoorsy and sporty stuff with them, YEAH, A SCENE LIKE THAT WOULD BE NEEDED, especially because Nemu has the tendency to both self-flagellate excessively (Touka also does this) and to hide all of her feelings and suppress them as hard as humanly possible.

With that out of the way, I am going to go on my certified rant about living in a wheelchair. Let's start at the general inaccessibility of Japan. Nemu's wheelchair isn't exactly... compact or foldable from what I can tell so that doesn't help her in the least. Here is a non-exhaustive list of things to consider:

- Less maneuverability or no access at all in some places, such as hotel rooms, restaurants, and stores

- Way longer wait times for nearly everything

- The temples are shitty to access because 90% of them have The Stairs, and the parks surrounding them have gravel grounds that make it almost impossible to run a wheelchair through (or at least, it's really hard. Think of when Sakurako had to carry Nemu on the beach, sand/sand-like ground and wheelchairs most often do not mesh, especially electric ones)

- The general congestion of large cities is not good but at least Japanese people tend to be nice and polite about it and try not to bother/touch wheelchair users, however this is unavoidable and oh boy haha rush hour

- In the end a wheelchair user in Japan is pretty limited in what they can do if not accompanied, which absolutely sucks

Streets are often narrow too so gestures at list. Plenty of buildings, especially old ones, are never really upgraded/don't have ramps or accessible elevators either, and I have literally seen a Japanese building that needed you to climb seven steps to get into the elevator?? Okay, alright, I will try not to bitch too hard. If using Yokohama as a base, the thing with large cities is that actually, the subway and train networks are generally good for wheelchair users (though they have to take extra steps and a trip that would take an able-bodied person one hour may take the wheelchair user double that amount of time, plus the station staff will choose your train for you). Everything else however, not so nice, and again The Stairs.

Now I go on the funny historical tangent! Around the 1960s in Japan, there was an increase in disabled children being separated from their families and placed in residential institutions, many of which were converted from the ones built for disabled veterans after WW2. At the age of 18, many of these children were then transferred to adult facilities where they would remain until death. As you may be able to imagine, these institutions were not great! Cue many many MANY human rights violations, including child residents being used as guinea pigs for their doctors in surgical procedures and disgusting amounts of incidents of sexual abuse towards female residents. The traditional Japanese notion that disabled people should be hidden by their families like a shameful secret was veeeeery prevalent! That is why these places even existed. Those beliefs are, Still ShiftingTM so to speak but it is much better now because hey at least they finally have an anti-discrimination law. By "finally" I mean that ten years ago they did not have one. You see, the literal basic anti-discrimination act for people with disabilities in Japan only came into effect in 2016 (for the reference of the Americans who may not know and for an easy example, in the US, the same thing happened in 1990, which is still recent-ish but not, "less than ten years ago" recent). That's only eight years ago. So let's not even talk about how VERY highly Not Possible a fully wheelchair-adapted/comfortable home would be in Japan. It ain't great chief, basic programs are still being implemented, and I highly doubt people are very widely educated on the matter unless it affects them personally. I think that is most of the funny historical tangent, so... time for me to talk about adapting to life on a wheelchair.

Let's start with showering and bath/general bathroom difficulties. First of all, it's MUCH likelier for a person in Nemu's position to slip and hurt themselves in the shower/bath, not even likely to be able to stop their own fall because Legs No Worky, secondly washing up unassisted when you're in a wheelchair both takes longer and is difficult/inconvenient, particularly if you don't have a specific chair or other thing to help you in the tub/shower (I am unsure if her family would be agreeable to this or if she'd even ask). For Nemu's benefit we are going to go with my interpretation that magical girls do not have periods, because otherwise oh dear god well that's way worse! But yes there's that whole complication and see, if you live with your family you have people you can ask for help. However we are talking about Nemu, and Nemu would rather starve under a bridge than ask for help (in 99% of cases). We have a section for internal effects of leg loss don't you worry but like, girl already felt like a burden before, imagine how she feels now when she actually does have to depend on others occasionally. Showering/bathing must be an absolute nightmare every single day for the poor girl. You don't realize how much you rely on walking and having usable legs inside the house until you lose that ability.

This leads me into another very funny thing: reach. Imagine having short person struggles. Okay, now imagine your height is cut in half and you have to be sitting down for everything. Who wants to bet you are now unable to reach A LOT of the things at home? Bathroom setups vary so that one you can circumvent, however! Consider the following: Nemu displays an enjoyment of cooking. Have you ever tried to sit down in front of most kitchen counters? They are pretty high up from that position. Which is fine when you're maybe just resting on the chair but can stand up/take steps around, but when you can't... well. Cooking just got a whole lot more inconvenient and complicated! Nemu seems to keep doing it, so I imagine she's figured out the kitchen table hack (kitchen tables are often lower than the counters and therefore often used to do the prep work instead of the counter because it's more comfortable). This still does not account for the stove but we haven't heard of Arc 2 Nemu cooking solo, only either with her mom or Sakurako, so I assume Nemu's family has the decency not to send her to make dinner like they do in Arc 1.

On the topic of short reach, have you ever realized how inconvenient doorknobs can be if you're sitting down? And doors in general when it's not so easy to move, really. This is more the case for those with less grip strength or less mobility than Nemu, but doorknobs are still generally placed high enough to be inconvenient, doors depending on how they open can be annoying (though sliding doors I've heard are better, so long as they're not too heavy), and let's not even talk about the heavy-ish doors that you have to push against. Because while that might be easy outside of a wheelchair... not so much on a wheelchair. The inconvenience of doors and doorknobs aside though, and back to public transport for a second, you cannot be spontaneous. According to a couple of Japanese wheelchair users I gnawed at for the purpose of research, you need to warn literally everyone at least 30 minutes in advance if you want to be able to board a train. If something comes up or is urgent, I assure you, you won't be able to hop on whatever train or taxi you want.

For Nemu in particular taxis may not be possible, but f4 ignores this really hard (like most things that have to do with Nemu's disability, given that it is acknowledged as a thing that exists LIKE TWICE after the initial timeskip scene at the end of Arc 1, mainly in Christmas string where she laments not being able to help with physical labor in any significant way due to "This Body Of Mine" [she's very dramatic about it but also this is an important hint to how she actually feels now that she's experienced at the very least months of living like this and now that she's alone with Touka instead of self-flagellating in public]). In Mokyu's MGS, I remember that moment when Touka calls for a taxi very much On The Spot and they both get on to follow Mokyu, seemingly very fast, and I was just like "????". I'm not really sure that's... a thing they can do that easily, f4...

But anyway, how about another item? Let's talk clothing. This is also not something able-bodied people usually consider or think about, but clothing generally was not designed for sitting. It will likely never fit right for wheelchair users, and many pieces of clothing may not even be comfortable, not to mention they may not be able to wear a lot of things (such as long/drapey fabrics that could interfere with movement, whether of the wheels, the control pad, or their bodies), and depending on how much mobility they have, changing itself can be another nightmare to do unassisted, or at least, it takes longer and takes more effort (we will get back to the "effort" part soon). This depends, sure, but it's often worse for kids and teenagers because they're still growing. It's okay though, I'm sure Touka would be really offended about this and would just take Nemu to get clothing custom made. What a good partner. The clothing issue is often overlooked, but Very Much A Thing. Some pants are not comfy to sit in for long periods of time, or maybe they fit well when you're standing but not when you're sitting... imagine only ever sitting.

I think I've made my point with the clothing aspect so let's move on to ANOTHER THING! Yes, I have more. Some things like transferring may be more inconvenient in Japan than they would be in the West. Transferring, in case you're not aware, is what a wheelchair user moving themselves from their wheelchair to another place to sit (such as a dining table chair, if they want, or a sofa), or back to the wheelchair, is called. It may be more inconvenient in Japan because well, The Floor. Transferring largely relies on upper body strength in most cases, and see, you can park a wheelchair next to a sofa or other chair and move yourself there reeelatively easily, but the floor may be a bit harder due to the difference in elevation from surface to surface. Once again, it depends on the specifics of the wheelchair user in question, overall. I've heard a couple of people say that the floor is Very Bad to transfer to and from, but one of them has mobility issues in the upper body and the other has arm weakness (he can only get back up because he's able to push a little bit with his legs).

For Nemu there's also the possible school complications, but I have not looked much into how accessible Japanese schools are for students on wheelchairs, though I do want to call a bit of attention to how we've seen Touka at school in Arc 2 but never Nemu, and I feel like that might be one of the reasons. Studying from home I suppose could be an option, though it would be iffy to me because of the whole part about being stuck inside and hidden away.

Before I move on to other things, let me. Talk about this other thing. That is specifically heartbreaking for Nemu. That being physical intimacy (we're talking hugs and the like, people, don't get ahead of yourselves). Quick quiz question for you to think about before I answer it, have you ever thought of how to comfortably hug a wheelchair user?

Normally, when put on the spot, the typical able-bodied person who has never thought about it says that well, you can just bend over to hug them! And while that kind of works, that is not exactly a "full hug" and also requires more effort and more Going Out Of Your Way on the able-bodied person's part than a hug to an able-bodied person that you can just easily walk up to and hug without any adjustment, which makes it less likely that the wheelchair user will get casual affection through that. A common one is the hug from the back, which works just like you'd do it for any sitting person, however the hug from the back is not exactly common and depends on how close the two people are. And then there's the other main way to do it, if it doesn't hurt for the wheelchair user. Which is the lap hug. Able-bodied person sits on the wheelchair user's lap and that is how the hug happens. Most wheelchairs should be able to bear the weight, since you have to account for things like carrying groceries or Other Stuff already, so the capacity to bear weight is built-in (some wheelchairs can carry up to 700lbs/317kg). However you will notice that a lap hug is a significant leap in intimacy that not that many people might be comfortable with, particularly in a less touchy culture like Japan. Personally I think Touka is princess enough, has enough of an ego, and enough of a bond/trust with Nemu that she'd have no qualms sitting on her lap, but Yeah. Holding hands is another one that may take a while to adjust to, since it's basically a MASSIVE height difference that you can't bridge, and also walking-walking vs walking-rolling (or whichever verb you prefer for wheelchair users) areeee different let's just say and speed adjustment can also be a bitch

What I'm saying is if poor Nemu was already affection deprived before, It Got Worse. I will touch on this more when I talk about the social consequences losing her legs must've had. To sum this all up so far, it's an entire reevaluation of the world you live in. Things that were once convenient are now inconvenient, or at best, don't help you anymore. People are often stumped as to what to say to you or what to do or how to act around you, especially if you bring up any and all struggles that have to do with the wheelchair thing. It's not Nemu's case but if she had a friend group, that would also mean possible distancing from them due to being unable to do as many activities with them or go to the same places as before. The world is built for the able-bodied, and the effort it takes to just navigate life in a wheelchair can be extremely draining. And SPEAKING OF EFFORT, it is time for the spoon theory! Those of you already familiar with it may skip this part, as I'm simply going to copy and paste from the original creator of the spoon theory, but for anyone who has never heard of the spoon theory, please, do read this part. It may help you understand something extremely important for the daily lives of so many people, and it may even give some of you who the spoon theory does apply to a new tool to use. This is the spoon theory:

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become.

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.”

It's hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”.

After we were emotional and talked about this for a little while longer, I sensed she was sad. Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands. But at least now she might not complain so much when I can’t go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine. I gave her a hug when we walked out of the diner. I had the one spoon in my hand and I said “Don’t worry. I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons” and I chose to spend this time with you.”

Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people. In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do. Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they live their life a little differently too. I think it isn’t just good for understanding Lupus, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness. Hopefully, they don’t take so much for granted or their life in general. I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the word when I do anything. It has become an inside joke. I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my “spoons”.

And that folks is the spoon theory. The spoon theory of course applies to wheelchair users. In Nemu's case it's more of a magical affliction and doesn't seem to affect her beyond the part about not being able to walk, however, as we've covered, that part is significant. It takes a mental, physical, and emotional toll. Then, other than this whole thing, there's issues with agency and independence. Yk, being able to live unassisted. I think Nemu could mostly handle it because I mean it's all she's ever done (insert parentification issues and her basically having raised herself, etc etc). Now here is a fun topic. How about social consequences? They are in fact significant as well! We just don't see it as much because Nemu's social life generally starts and ends at Touka, who is arguably the best-equipped person for this. You can bet Touka pulled three all-nighters to do research on this the moment she realized Nemu was not going to recover or at least not in the near future, and we already know she's extremely attentive from what we saw in Arc 1, so. Literally the best possible person for Nemu to hang out with, who will also never try to encroach on her decision-making or her boundaries, never try to take freedom or agency away from her, etc. Unfortunately there are more people around Nemu who may not handle it as gracefully (or well. Whatever Touka is doing. Her stunted social skills are actually a good thing when it comes to this).

Let's go from worst to better: Nemu's family. They are literally not mentioned again after Arc 1's final battle, ever. Not even when Chapter 8 happens. Not at all, zero mentions, at least none as far as I know. Which is concerning. Nemu still speaks fondly of them in Arc 2, from the Christmas quotes, but I mean. Desperate for love. Desperately learning her family's favorite foods and colors, fretting over what gift to get her brother. Which is just extra sad knowing that she's probably dead to them (again). I don't think it's a stretch to say that Nemu's family would have ZERO CLUE how to handle the entire topic. Common reactions are either avoidance/pretending it's not there, or severe awkwardness and hesitation that there is no way the wheelchair user won't notice. Particularly if they're a very perceptive person who pays close attention to the people around them (Nemu). I think Nemu's family might be the avoidance type, since they're allergic to making any effort to get to know her or yk treat her as their daughter instead of, parentifying her to hell and back at best. But let's take another couple of examples: Iroha and Ui.

I think those two might be the awkwardness type. Which is, "I have never encountered this problem and I'm not sure how to go about it but I don't want to hurt or offend this person" and normally leads to general insecurity/anxiety about mentioning specific things around the wheelchair user, or inviting them to things, or assigning tasks to them because the person fears they might hurt themselves/be unable to do what you asked, feel worse, etc. It can manifest in many ways and is normally born out of politeness or genuine personal concern for the other, but alas wheelchair users are not (all) blind, so they do very much notice. On their side it's also awkward and hurtful, in most cases. It's bad too when they get condescended or infantilized or as I mentioned before people take their agency away. It's that thing where you assume the wheelchair user needs help for (insert task) and that you're just being nice by lending them a hand but hey, hey. Maybe ask instead of assuming and moving to do a thing for them that you don't know with 100% is something they need help with. Maybe they don't actually need your help (cough savior/hero complex) and I assure you they appreciate being able to do whatever they can by themselves. Yes, it's well-meaning, but that doesn't mean it won't hurt the wheelchair user or make them feel bad/worse about themselves. The infantilization thing is often related to this too.

Next and last, the inner consequences of a significant loss such as this one. This part is about self-perception, perception in regards to the world and to others, and obviously it ties into Nemu's previously established concerns, fears, and general IssuesTM. This is another "sigh where to begin!" moment for me, because as I have established before, Nemu has major issues. Take literally every issue Nemu has ever had and them pump them full of steroids, then assume that bits of those issues drop off the bigger issue blob and grow into new connected issues. That is what this caused. There is of course a fun set of new issues that relate to the old ones but aren't fully connected as well. That being the feeling of being broken, incomplete, defective. For a person like Nemu whose worth is in considerable part determined by how useful she can be to others, that's not good. She's very much the type to keep things in rather than express them, except the precious scarce few times when we see her alone with Touka (you'll notice that usually we don't get scenes of them alone together save for Christmas String where there was A Pressing Issue to solve, normally it's the rest of the cast going to them for something so it's not exactly the correct atmosphere or moment for a vulnerability moment, Nemu has them, we see some, but they are Very Few).

The one comment from when she and Touka were moving their books out of Touka's private room in the hospital (still real gay of Touka to casually of her own will give Nemu a permanent space in her private room just so she could store her books), the one where she gets all droopy about being unable to help with the whole book moving process? Yeah that's your confirmation that as suspected, yes, she was lying when she said "this is fine" at the end of Arc 1. This is not by any means fine. Sure she has accepted it and thinks she deserves it but this is Nemu "I am to blame for damaging the economy of Japan" Hiiragi (I have a screenshot of when she said this) so like gestures vaguely. By that point in Christmas String, as I said before, she's probably been on a wheelchair for months at the very least, so she's had a chance to experience what that's like, among other things. I can't imagine she feels great about it. While simultaneously thinking her intestines should be bundled up with a pitchfork every day at noon for her sins, of course (insert aforementioned self-flagellation issues). Because she blames herself for literally everything and likely also blames herself every single time her inability to walk leaves her unable to do something she could've done before, and may even push herself beyond what's safe and healthy for her at times. Therefore, internally, yeah, Nemu is way worse than before. FORTUNATELY the stress of the Magius and the physical strain from making uwasa are no longer a thing and she has a safe place to be in every day with her partner who understands and loves her and doesn't even think of any adjustments as "effort" (of course this is nothing for Touka, she's a genius, I can hear the Toukitty saying with her nose up in the air like that). So that is, one good thing. And she can likely read more easily.

Unfortunately, Arc 2 also brings stress and more guilt due to the factions. There's the NM guilt and the PB guilt mainly, but also the stress of the few people they care about besides each other (such as Ui and Iroha) being in mortal danger. And what bothers me is, the way this entire thing affects and stimulates Nemu's concerns and fears from before is so criminally overlooked and outright ignored? We saw from her quotes and personal memo that she desperately wants to be loved, desperately wants to not be forgotten, and to leave behind a legacy (this is about the being forgotten part too). A common issue for wheelchair users is, in fact, that they are neglected and forgotten about, often only an afterthought, particularly for the administration. And so it annoys me endlessly that f4 are allergic to handling their disabled main cast member whatsoever and neglect her in much the same way her family does.

Anyway, this isn't exhaustive, there's definitely more to unpack, but it's already very long and I thank everyone who has read this far for your time. I hope it helped you guys understand at least a little bit better.

[orlissa]

I promised @sailor-hufflepuff this story - I'm pretty sure I've told it here before, so if it sounds familiar, I'm sorry. Also, cross my heart and hope to die, this is exactly what happened, even if it kinda sounds like a fever dream or at least something out of a YA novel.

So... how did I end up being a literary translator?

First of, it didn't come out of nowhere: I placed at a short story contest the first time when I was 11. Any short story contest I entered in high school, I placed 1st-3rd - there were at least half a dozen of them. There were translation contests too, at my dorms (I lived in a dorm during high school), at my school - my work for this latter one ened up being published at the local paper. I was way ahead of my classmates when it came to English as a foreign language, and my 10th grade English teacher really didn't know what to do with, so I basically spent that year's English classes translating Richelle Mead's Frostbite, by hand, from printed out pages. So, yeah, there was a basis for all of this.

Anyway, it's the summer before 11th grade (note: I attended a five years long high school program, so I graduated after grade 13), and I was in the city, watching some movie with my best friend. After the movie, I still had like an hour before my bus home, so I ended up at a bookstore that had a pretty good foreign language book selection, among which I found a certain book. Look, it was the time when everything was about vampires, and it was also a vampire YA book with a bit of pagan flare. Was it good? Looking back at it... no, not really. Did it resonate with my on-the-brink-of-seventeen self? Hell, yeah. I bought the book, read it, loved it. Turned out it was the first installment in a pretty long series, but at the time four books were out - I bought and read all of them that summer.

Then September came, I went back to school, and as it happened, the first book of that series came came out in Hungarian that very month. And as it happened, the publisher had a superb marketing person at the time, who took the pains to establish a whole ass website, along with a forum, for this book series. I found and registered for this forum a week or two after it opened.

Then, me being my charming self (I mean, I do like to talk), I pretty soon became one of the most vocal members and leading figures of this forum - so much so that within a few weeks this aforementioned marketing person sought me out and offered me moderator privileges - basically, they needed people to keep the peace there and stuff, without too much interference from the actual publisher people. I took this mantle on happily, and eventually became actual friends with some of the other people who eventually became moderators alongside with some - some of these friendships are still lasting today.

So, with time - I'm talking a couple of months - a pretty good community formed around this forum. Throughout its life, we organized online events, in-person publication parties, one time we almost even did a camp (it was cancelled the last minute because of the weather).

Then Christmas rolled around - at this point, I'd been writing fanfics for nearly five years, so I decided to write a little holiday fic, set in the book series' world, as a gift for my friends on the forum. It was just, like, 1,5K fluff piece, nothing significant. But as the forum was an official space, it was seen by the marketing person, who read it. Then sent it to the owner of the publishing house. And the translator of the series. And they loved it. The translator apparently even said that "it was better than the original." So I got praises from all around.

A few months passed again, March came, and the publishing house was preparing to get the work started on the fourth book in the series - only they couldn't reach the editor who usually worked on the series (sadly, as it turned out later on, he'd passed away). But they were short on time, they needed someone to edit the text, and they needed someone now. So then the translator was like "hey, there's this girl who knows this series well and who has already proved that she can write, let's try her out."

...So they offered me the job. I was 17, still deep in high school.

The translator (Robi) and I got started on the text - he'd send me finished chapters, and I'd edit them and send them back. He and the publisher was satisfied with my job, so we kept this arrangement up for four more books and two years. Then when I was about to graduate from high school and the 9th book was coming up, Robi noted that he didn't want to keep translating the series - but that he would be okay with us switching roles, so I'd be translating and he'd be editing. So that's what I did. I had my final oral exams and got my high school diploma in June, and literally got started on my very first translation the next week.

This ninth book was the last one that would be published in Hungarian in that series, and the publisher, too, folded soon after, but Robi vouched for me at other companies too, and basically by the times I started college, I already had other offers, and been translating ever since (full time since the fall of 2021 - by then I had a CV impressive enough that I didn't need anyone vouch for me).

[beifong-brainrot]

"Also yeah, Korra being very distinctly brown is part of why she's masculinised so much. And I also want to note that, from what I've seen, hyperfeminity in woc is still mocked and talked down to and dismissed as trashy. Too many times have I seen a fashion trend be applauded on the white girlies when its critiqued on the women of colour whom the trend originated from." - this is the real tea. As a WOC who was (and still is ) heavy into more girly aesthetics, when I tell you that WOC were getting dragged by both white girls and girls from their own community (for "acting white/weird" )...........the coquette wars of 2020-2022 in particular was a wild time. Because we can't ever seem to "girl/woman" correctly.

Yeah, the I salute the femmes of colour out here in the trenches. I mostly see this on the Internet, as Poland is still a mostly white country (though ofc there are growing numbers of Poles of colour), so I'm not extremely well versed on the nuances of the topic, so please feel free to correct me if I say something wrong/tone deaf, I am trying to be respectful.

But it's always pissed me off that there is some weird, narrow margin of "correct girling" and most folks do not make the cut. And frankly, for those of us who don't fit into the boxes to a T, that perfection is unnatainable. And the standards shift all the time, with different body types and clothing styles moving in and

Of course, this hits women of colour especially hard, because acknowledging their femininity is terribly inconvenient for a lot of people. Throughout history, femininity and women have been seen as worthy of protection (albeit that "protection" is questionable at times) and WOC are one of the most attacked demographics out there. Which is why I assume so much effort in media and social structures is placed into keeping history's favourite punching bag away from that prized podium of femininity.

Which, circling back to Korra, who began this whole discussion, definetly fits into why people are more comfortable percieving her as masculine. It makes it easier to dunk on her or call her mean things, or not have to acknowledge how hurt and victimised by multiple parties she's been, and not acknowledge that she is 💕just a girl💕.

Its a sad phenomenon, but sometimes it feels like if you don't perform femininity correctly and are a "failed woman", you lose a bit of humanity in the eyes of those around you. Which is bloody unfair, as per the aforementioned unnatainably narrow margin.

Sorry to sound like the woke joker for a second lol

I can't speak on experiences of folks of colour, ofc, but being queer and growing up in a mostly conservative enviornment was also rough and I was surprised by how much critique and criticisms my presentation drew. In preschool and the begining of middle school, I was a tomboy purely because I was athletic and played with legos, despite wearing skirts often and playing with dolls in equal amounts. Through the tail end of middle school and high school, I was very into the Lolita aesthetic, which was considered Too Girly and Showy for me at the big age of 13. I remember my grandmother repeatedly berating me for tying my hair back with ribbons for some reason lol.

[jasper-tarot-reader]

Heyo! I'm here with the feedback. My brain works in weird ways and I kinda sorta have a practice that I'm still developing (with correspondingly spotty knowledge/ideas/beliefs/etc), so this rambling I'm about to do may get weird or TMI. Sorry in advance.

So my first thought was that there was a lot of fire, which I thought was interesting because I was vacillating between air and fire when sending the ask. Tangentially, but related, I ended up looking at my natal chart for the first time in a while the other day because my friends were talking about it and air and fire are the two most present elements in it (4 each, with water and earth being 1 each). I don't really put much importance on astrology in my daily life/etc, but I think it's a good enough tool as part of a wider knowledge base.

Moving on, I find the first section interesting because yes, I have kind of been in survival mode recently. I do criticize myself for not living up to the goals I set. I'm also trying to train myself out of thinking/ shift my thinking away from "value = productivity" and/or "self-worth = achievement." I have been going to therapy for a couple months (first time I've gone for real (long story) in my life) and that was a topic semi-recently, but after I had that realization, I can see how the belief is baked in to almost everything I do and is really screwing with me in several areas of my life.

Related to survival mode, I think, is the Devil. My first (and thusfar only) tarot deck is Maggie Stiefvater's Raven's Prophecy tarot. The Devil in her deck is depicted as a mask - basically, sort of a 'you are your own worst enemy' kind of thing. The actual mask part of her depiction, as well as how she says (paraphrasing) "the mask can become part of you if you don't check yourself," is what I was thinking of in relation to me masking as an autistic person - especially as someone who only just realized semi-recently that they're autistic.

Reading Kauvara's wiki(?) page was interesting as well. The whole "family business thing" relates to my goals, actually. I recently decided to become a teacher... just like my mother, after saying my whole life that I didn't want to/ wasn't going to - especially if what I saw/heard from her was any indication of what teaching was actually like (and the fact that I despised (and despise still) being seen as a mini-her since she's... not great). My aunt is also a teacher, and my maternal grandmother wanted to be a teacher but was unable to. I was recently thinking, actually, that I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue on with the classes I need for my certification. I only briefly thought about nixing it entirely; mostly, I was just thinking about belaying it until I had more funds built up, since I'm paying for it myself on what's basically contractor work (substitute teaching). Aside from money, I do actually have a lot of resources for this goal specifically (aforementioned mother as well as previous teachers that I'm still in contact with, especially since I quite frequently substitute teach at the school that I went to high school at).

Now, the other goals that I have... I wonder if that's where the "are you too focused on potentially wrong thing" is. I've been really focused on these classes to get my certificate since I saw that as The Way to get to my other goals (get the hell out of this house, chiefly) since it's a job that I'd be most likely to get pretty much anywhere I want (I've had trouble finding a job since high school, to clarify. I'm now post-college). I've only been halfheartedly trying to find a more stable job (substitute teaching is great... but dependent on teachers being out, which is not guaranteed) or some sort of ""side hustle"" or whatever to supplement my fairly decent but not consistent pay. So, basically, I should probably be focused on things that bear more fruit in the short term, instead of pouring everything and then some into something that's going to take at least a year, if not more, to come to fruition.

(Ironically, I made a note to look into SMART goals again because I remembered it was a pretty good way to go about actually reaching goals but not any of the actual specifics. I literally wrote "research SMART goals" on my to do list today, before I saw that you'd done the reading.)

And for the last part... yeah. With my question I kinda figured that it was going to be a "if shit's fucked it's because you're the one who created that possibility" kind of thing. The "new alliances or deals can be formed" thing makes me think of what I was thinking about recently in consolidating/refinancing (whatever the actual correct terminology is) my student loans, specifically the private ones with exorbitant interest rates I had to take out because my mother refused to be a cosigner. I did fuck up the other day with my federal student loans - I reached the end of the deferment/forbearance/whatever it's actually called that I'd applied for when I was unemployed, so I applied for an IDR finally, but vastly overestimated how fast they would process it and had to scramble to pay for this month and in the process earned my mother's ire (asked her for the amount since I'd given her over half of my previous paycheck, which was more than I needed for the payment).

Ah. Writing this I just realized there's technically a connection with Kyne being "the Mother of Men and beasts" to my bullshit. I have frequent trouble with my mother (delightful flavor of emotionally abusive helicopter parent) but I live in her home in what I would definitely call an "alliance," even if she wouldn't. Issues with her are... about 50% of the time caused by me getting annoyed with something she did/said/etc and pissing her off (not intentionally needling her or anything, but, well) leading to said IssuesTM. Additionally, of those former teachers I mentioned, there's one who I would call a mentor (that I haven't really talked to in a while, so that would probably be "old allies can return and assist") and she's pretty much a mother figure to me as well.

I think that's about it? Anything else... idk, maybe some connection between Kyne being a Norse-look-alike goddess when I've been looking into/ learning about Germanic paganism (among other things) re: learning about my ancestors, etc? But I think that's of lesser importance (unless it's something like another flag towards family troubles in relation to my goals).

That's all I can think of. Hopefully it's helpful!

Fascinating, thank you for returning with feedback! I'm sorry you're in this much of a pickle, but I'm glad my reading was able to shine a light on the important bits for you. Most importantly, thank you for volunteering as a test subject for the Three Kings Divination so I could test it! I wish you the best, especially on the financial front. Loans are a bitch and a half, especially when someone refuses to help you with them.

~Jasper

[f-yeah-no-evil]

8 years

In advance, sorry this has become kind of a trauma perspectives blog. This is a lengthy grab bag of reflections, and talks extensively on the aftermath of torture and psychiatric abuse. And violent ideation, so heads up for all that if you choose to read.

In terms of me, I've broken up with both my girlfriends, quit my academic music career, gotten a new girlfriend, and moved two states over to be with her and her wife. I'm now working on getting my driver's license and taking a break to muse before getting a job. Life's crazy.

I also haven't taken prescription amphetamines for 6 months, despite my parent's conviction I'm harming myself by not optimizing myself. This is the best choice I have ever made.

In terms of my relationship with No Evil... two things. First, I've managed to skim the Judgement comic without flinching! It was actually a lot of fun revisiting a story that meant so much to me once upon a time. I might actually throw up an analysis later, from my adult perspective. I'm still not sure I can actually... watch... any of the videos... too high a risk of triggering the shit out of me, currently.

Secondly, I found a fanfiction file from around the same time where I, halfway through, have a complete mental breakdown that I don't remember having. And then return to coherency to write a completely different fanfic. ?

I won't be posting any of that, because it's genuinely terrifying. a completely undue viciousness... violence towards myself, towards others, reveling in the pain I caused myself and others just for some sense of catharsis and agency. and completely flip-flopping my self worth in rapid succession. Like... hooooo mama. And I don't even remember doing it! If someone had found these notes, I absolutely would have been institutionalized - my worst nightmare.

But it does put a lot of how I acted into context.

Really, there's a desire to hold on to your own viciousness, because if you aren't vicious, you're letting people take advantage of you - you're simply lying down and taking abuse, whether or not it's actually abuse. In turn, this assuages the feelings of guilt, and desires "not do do it again" - what if you need to?

And in that way, you hold on to the harm you've caused as an expression of agency. Commanding respect out of fear, refusing to take it back because you aren't weak. As a sign you're capable. It's messed up, but that's how I thought. And then holding messed-up-ed-ness on a similar scale, blah blah blah....

Hopefully that puts in to perspective how violent the environment I was in was to me. I don't identify as a torture victim for fun.

But on that note, I've been slowly developing the ability to feel guilt. Not much - I'm still pretty stunted in that aspect and probably always will be. And, frankly, I'll take what relief I can get. But something's shifted, and rather than thinking I *have* to be vicious, I don't want to be that person again - I'm sick of thinking it's necessary, of living in that world, and I think I was wrong. More than just morally (I always thought that), in mindset. So, here's the genuine apology I've made everyone wait too long for:

Sorry for the insane, crazy abusive shit I put everyone through in high school, especially the people who most supported me: V, Dr. A, and L. Most especially V. And, of course, to random people I targeted for no reason at all.

I'm not holding on to the hurt I've caused you as something with meaningful weight in my life anymore. I've rejected the idea that causing suffering is an expression of my agency. There are other ways to express my autonomy and I reject violence as one of them.

Messed up thing to have to admit. But eh, get medicated out of your mind since preschool and trapped in a box until you start hallucinating shadow people and eating your own blood and see how you view the world.

Oh, and sorry to the folks who were front-seat witnesses of the aforementioned. But thanks for being there for me. It was good to not be all alone.

Oh, I'm also starting to be able to put my memories on a linear timeline! That shit rocks!! Being able to think coherently is fucking awesome!!!!!! everyone else could just do this????

Unfortunately my medicine (hah, "medicine") completely eroded any ability to self-reflect. As much as I would like it to be kindness that saved me, it was moving out of my abusive household and going off my meds that saved me. The first major improvement was when I reduced my dosage to a 3rd of the initial dose, and the second was when I resolved to stop taking them for good.

And, as much as I would like it to be that it was all my meds that made me abusive and violent, I was probably naturally drawn to social dynamics where it was easy for me to harass and bully others. In my defense, I suppose, I had no other context for social behavior... that said, medication definitely made it worse by a minimum of tenfold. The self gets messy in this situation. Who are "you," when you've been overmedicated young?

Meh, whatever. There's no sense worrying about your inherent badness. Just roll up your sleeves and do the work.

The analytical skills and love for research I developed engaging in this story and fandom (even if I was completely out of my mind on psychotropics and frequently faulty in my analysis) encouraged me to research my medicine, and finally come to the correct conclusion that they were harming me. Weaning off of them was a multi-year process, and overcoming the "grindest" society we live in that the medicine helped me endure was necessary. I had to be medicated to survive the abuse, because we live in an abusive society.

Nearly a decade of suffering -- that I thought necessary for my "wellness" and intrinsic to life - finally over. So I am sitting with my hot chocolate and watching the snow fall.

All this to say: avoid amphetamines if at all possible, and torture is bad for you.

But yeah. That's what's changed. I'm glad No Evil was something that kept me company for the worst time of my life, and that I fell in with good people when I was at my most vulnerable. I hope everyone is well in the coming year.

[dreams-and-honor]

He Plays Genshin I Guess

Ship: the reveries of my mind (adri x akingraeux)

Source: original content

Word count: 557

Noooo I'm already writing fics about him /)A(\

This was something I talked about with Owen when I was medicated with sleep aid.

Tag list: @dearly-beeloved @camellias-and-coriander @rebel-wolf13 @sunstar-of-the-north @mahitoslittlebird @goldenworldsabound @edencantstopfallininlove @sosoftandsweet @dorothys-wife @faerie-circle-ships

With the same sort of relieved weariness that accompanied the way Akingraeux removed his headset, he leaned all the way back in his desk chair, blowing air between his lips as he continued to dexterously spin his pen between his fingers. 

With no particular irony intended… Goddamn.

Utilizing the lanky length of his legs, he kicked back, rolling away from his desk that his new mortal companion had been gracious enough to make space for in his own office, before hauling himself upwards.

He gave a quick stretch, satisfied with the way this tangible form strained its muscles and tendons. It was always so novel after being in his natural state for a while. With that, he made his way out of the office, finding the aforementioned mortal standing in the kitchen. He stared for a moment, a fond smile on his face as he watched him idly sipping some… coldbrew?

“A bit late for that, huh?” He commented, silently coming up behind him and placing his hands on Adri's shoulders.

Adri jumped with a yelp - of course he did, Aki was often without presence among mortal perception. When it suited him.

“GOD, HOLY SHIT. I almost had coffee out my nose,” the mortal wheezed, his shoulders slacking under his touch.

“Well I'm SORRY, maybe you shouldn't be drinking coffee at 5 pm, then,” Aki retorted, resting his chin on Adri's head.

He could feel the density of Adri's embarrassment, the tension under his grip that encapsulated the ever-increasing feelings that weren't quite high enough yet for them to go too far. But Aki was patient, he knew that those feelings would apex eventually.

“Shit, is it five already? Does that mean you're off the clock?” Adri fiddled with the tumbler in his hands, trying not to look TOO shy.

“Yeeeep. A real shame, too, I was having so much fun,” Aki replied in no particular tone, his expression weary, but out of Adri's line of sight.

Adri lifted his head a bit as if trying to catch said expression. Aki removed his chin from atop his head to accommodate.

“So do you like IT? You're really… tech-savvy for a god.”

Aki looked down to catch his gaze, his hands remaining on the mortal's shoulders as he shrugged.

“Eh. I mean, yeah, I guess. The people suck, but I guess it's something I enjoy,” he replied in no particular tone.

Adri regarded him for a moment.

“So what ELSE do you like?”

Expression only slightly exaggerated in its thoughtfulness, Aki considered the question for a second.

“I enjoy the little things. I do like IT. I like video games,” he blinked down at Adri. “And I like you.”

The way Adri's face turned bright red was expected, as was the way he reached up to bury his face in his sleeves.

“YOU CAN'T SAY STUFF LIKE THAT!”

Aki grinned now, progressing to wrapping his arms around Adri's shoulders and shaking him from side to side in his embrace.

“You're so easy,” he commented, giving him a squeeze before releasing him. “I'm gonna go play Genshin, you gonna come have your caffeine anxiety attack in my lap until you fall asleep?”

There was a characteristic whimper, Adri not yet turning around as he nodded regardless.

“Okay…”

“Atta boy, your hydroxyzine is on the coffee table. Let's do this.”

[ritavonbees]

ok well first of all I'm Australian and i also don't believe Australia has a right to exist so jot that down. no, deporting all the white people isn't practical at this point and probably wouldn't have good outcomes, but we don't have to work backwards from that and say something fucked up is Good Actually just because it's not fixable.

Liberal Zionists do love to position their Zionism as being about the general existence of Israel, but I'm afraid your window for convincing the rest of your movement to do their thing in a way that would make Israel's existence sustainable has probably closed by now. We didn't make up the genocidal bits - they were always there. I sympathise, I know people who grew up as left Zionists, I understand that folks were sincere about trying to make peace within a Zionist framework, but that has pretty much conclusively failed by now. The right has won, you focused too much on convincing non-Zionists that Zionism is okay and not enough on getting the fascists out of your movement, I'm sorry but if all you want is a two state solution of some kind you're gonna have to come up with a new name for yourself because your more genocidal fellow Zionists aren't giving it up. They won. The well is fully poisoned. If you're really fighting to keep the word at this point your priorities are somewhat unhinged.

Personally, I'm rooting for a South Africa kind of situation where Israel and Palestine become a single (maybe binational but like no internal borders) secular democratic country, and anyone who doesn't like that is welcome to immigrate (many racist white South Africans did, unfortunately many of them came to Australia but what can you do). (I'd settle for two state but I am skeptical about its long term viability. there's truly no reasonable way to divide up the land without including places Palestinians have lived in Israel and places Israelis have lived in Palestine. I'm not convinced anyone on either side is going to be chill about this)

People on my side who want a suitcase or the coffin style situation, I understand emotions are running high right now but practically speaking it hasn't worked out super well for any country that's tried it, and I say so any time it comes up.

But honestly if those people get what they want it will be pretty much because Netanyahu and his cohort insist on pushing their luck as far as it'll go and thus sabotage the international community's attempts at ending this more peacefully. JVP are not in charge of negotiations. Guarantee you whatever their personal feelings about Israel everyone in the UN wants the whole thing settled down as quietly as possible to minimise the amount of blood and bullshit they have to professionally wade through.

Not sure why am antizionist group would imply anything bad for Arab Israelis or Jews who have nothing to do with Israel, but practically speaking we have one because we're tired of being spoken over by Zionists who insist they represent all Jews. it also helps that when ppl accuse Palestinian activists of antisemitism we can vouch for them because, you know, we try to... centre and support Palestinians... so we work quite closely with some of them and go to the rallies and stuff... and conversely there's some chance of our visibility (because we're not the only Jews at the rallies, we're just the ones who chose to march under a specifically Jewish banner) reducing the number of people who get weird at random uninvolved Jews because they've seen and believed the aforementioned Zionists claiming to speak for us 🙃

hope that helps

my local Jewish antizionist group keeps getting emails from very confused Jews trying to square the circle of how we can be Jewish without professing loyalty to Israel so i made some educational memes

i also made one for the Christians so they wouldn't feel left out :)