#sorry i took a lot of planet with screenshots | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yourgenderisfake · 3 years ago

Text

A Confession

Preface: I debated writing this for a long time. I debated posting it anywhere even more so. But I wanted to share my experience in case it was a helpful perspective for anyone else. Ultimately, that’s all this is – my perspective – but this is the internet, after all, so I’m expecting some people to willfully misinterpret this in bad faith. While I won’t be able to stop that, just acknowledge that this is a difficult conversation to have.

I haven’t used this Tumblr account regularly in over two years. To be honest, I almost forgot about it until I saw a screenshot of one of my older posts circulating on radfem twitter, which compelled me to finally sit down and write this.

It took a lot of soul searching and reflection to come to this conclusion, but after five years, I no longer identify as a radfem or align with radical feminism.

The last two years have irreparably changed people in countless ways. Whether it’s depression from the pandemic and mass death, (fear of) getting and spreading a novel infectious disease, losses of loved ones and friends, the subsequent economic fallout of lockdowns, and the grinding tolls of capitalism amid all these horrors – there’s not a single person on the planet who hasn’t been affected by covid.

It was the economic fallout and the tolls of capitalism that hit me particularly hard. I got laid off in March 2020 and didn’t find another job until this past May. I was unemployed for a while, but I couldn’t afford to live on unemployment payments alone, even while getting that bonus $300-$600 from the feds. I blew through nearly all my savings on rent, bills, and other living expenses.

As if my significant financial loss wasn’t bad enough, I began to feel extremely depressed and suicidal as a result of losing my job. I woke up each day feeling stuck, applying to any jobs I was remotely qualified for, even those I was underqualified for. I went through multiple rounds of interviews for a few different jobs and they either ghosted me or rejected me. It was hard not to take it personally. I distanced myself from college friends and former colleagues because I felt like such a disappointment for not pursuing a job in my field. But at the end of the day, I was still privileged enough to have money saved up.

More than anything, what I needed was a distraction. I needed to get out of my head. I live in a neighborhood that has a very high aging population, and at the start of the pandemic, I signed up to get involved in mutual aid efforts. Every week, I made grocery runs for a few of my neighbors and delivered them food, supplies, and other things.

It was certainly depressing work. A lot of people in my building died, and I grieved for them, although I didn’t really know many of them. Many lived alone in rent-controlled apartments and it pained me to think of them being alone during such a horrible time. But at the end of the day, knowing that I wasn’t wasting my time feeling sorry for myself, knowing that someone who was at high risk of getting sick with covid could still count on having their needs met, was enough for me. It was revitalizing. I got to meet some of the community organizers that I never knew were doing this incredible work. I felt grateful just to be a part of it because it was genuinely important work.

As I got involved in more community-focused efforts, one of the first things I noticed was that I worked alongside a decent amount of trans people. Initially, I reacted with caution. But after a few weeks, something clicked in me. I asked myself why I judged these people so harshly when (a) I barely even know them and (b) we’re mostly ideologically aligned and (c) the same goal unites us – to support the most vulnerable members of our community when others won’t bother.

After five years of only engaging with other lesbians and radfems, I had to recalibrate and decide whether radical feminism was still a force for good in my life. I thought for months. I wrote down all of my thoughts. At some point, I realized that radical feminism stopped being helpful and started being harmful. Some parts of it weren’t ever helpful for me, ever, at all.

In order to track the path I followed, I had to go back to the very beginning. I fell into radical feminism when I was 19. I was a sensitive, traumatized young woman (technically I identified as agender but who really cares). Freshman year, I was sexually assaulted at a party by a guy I vaguely knew from one class, who’d later start wearing nail polish and earrings and using they/them pronouns. I felt a confusing yet subtle rage as someone who I and others perceived as a “white cishet man” for the longest time suddenly claimed a queer identity similar to mine. That’s around the time I started trawling radfem blogs and finding myself covertly agreeing with everything. Eventually, I stopped lurking and made my own side blog.

It also didn’t help that as my thoughts got intrusively more terfy, many of my own friends started to ID as nonbinary or trans. Most of them were lesbians or bi women, but some were straight, as far as I knew. Not all of them pursued medical transition, but some did. By the end of college, I could count on one hand how many cis-IDed woman friends I had left.

Like many other women, I turned to radical feminism in an attempt to cope with trauma from male violence and grieve my female/lesbian friendships. Radfem spaces and rhetoric helped me understand what happened and why it all happened. It gave me the language to define my experiences and I'll be forever grateful for that. It was also important for me to come to terms with the fact that I’m always going to be classified as female; I learned to accept that and become comfortable moving through the world as a woman, no matter how I view myself.

However, as I got deeper into radical feminism, I built a filter bubble that constantly exposed me to accounts of male violence. It prolonged my own trauma response and made it harder to heal. Men are without a doubt dangerous, but I don't think it was healthy for me to feed into a fear that made it difficult to leave my apartment or interact with men on any level. The sense of constantly feeling under attack as a lesbian made me pull away from people who cared about me.

Seeing myself as someone who was “rescued” from a cult wasn't helpful or accurate, either. I found myself in radfem communities that fell into the same traps they harangue queer/trans communities for having: there was a clear figurehead(s) instead of a community dynamic. The need to have perfectly aligned beliefs outweighed the need to foster consciousness about different experiences and take coordinated action based on that, even if the feelings and motives around it are varied. Again, this resulted in me pulling away from some of my closest IRL friends. I viewed them as brainwashed simply for saying things like “trans women are women.”

I also don't think it was good to constantly engage in discussions about how insane or stupid trans and/or dysphoric people are. I developed the sense that trans people are somehow my enemies and they are actively trying to hurt me as a lesbian. I participated in an authoritarian approach to other dysphoric people pursuing transition or identifying as something other than their birth sex. I believed they were misguided and in need of saving from themselves. In hindsight, it was wrong of me to police others’ identities or assume I knew how to define their lives better than them.

It’s important to note the timeline of my peak radfem stage: 2017-2018, the peak of #MeToo. It felt for a second there that radfems might be on the precipice of some kind of big gender reckoning. In hindsight, it was a smokescreen. There was no momentum or structure to build an actual movement or anything, at least not in the way the trans community has clearly outlined its goals and strategies. We were headed nowhere.

I saw prominent radfems pissing away any credibility with unproductive discourse (i.e. arguing over gender-neutral pregnancy terms in the middle of the biggest global reckoning against anti-black racism in history), acting unnecessarily cruel and hurtful towards young trans people, particularly FTMs, aligning with right-wing racists over and over again, and generally having extremely narrow perspectives that don’t allow for multiple truths to exist simultaneously.

Being involved in community mutual aid efforts showed me what true solidarity looks like. It’s showing up for people who aren’t exactly like me on the premise that everyone deserves a good quality of life. I wasn’t just going to refuse to give someone their groceries because they were a Trump supporter – even if I disagree with them, they deserve to have food security, as everyone else should. No matter who they were, even if our beliefs were radically different, every person deserves to be safe, happy, and healthy in their life.

Considering that principle, I realized that negging trans people online isn’t activism. Insulting and mocking dysphoric people for transitioning isn’t activism. Nitpicking over language, slurs, and identity labels isn’t activism. Policing people’s experiences other than your own isn’t activism. Ninety-nine percent of the time, it’s just harassment.

I still have a lot of complicated feelings on gender identity, but honestly, it’s simply exhausting to direct my energy toward thinking about how mostly like-minded people are out to get me. Instead, I’ve found that I’d rather put that energy towards building bridges: now I actively engage in friendships with trans people, gradually make space for critical conversation, and accept that some points of ideological contention aren’t worth sacrificing so much of my community.

My trans teammates in mutual aid – mostly trans women and nonbinary folks – are wonderful, intelligent, and caring people who always kept their fingers on the pulse when it came to the community we served. I never would’ve gotten to know this if I always kept my distance as I did initially. And when I listened to them describe their personal experiences with gender, I didn’t feel as if my identity as a GNC lesbian was compromised, like I was always reactively afraid of, because it wasn’t my experience to define. I felt ashamed that I’d been closing myself off from years’ worth of friendships with an entire part of my community because I was so convinced that trans people were out to get me.

I know what some folks may be thinking while reading this: “Maybe you just buckled under the weight of reality. Maybe you’re backpedaling because you can’t stomach the truth of misogyny. Maybe you’re just too selfish to face the facts and stand up for women. You just want trans approval. You’re not a REAL feminist.”

Trust me, I’ve thought all those things enough myself, and I’ve reached a place where I know that’s not true. I can – and do – still actively support women everywhere in my life without identifying as a radfem. I took what was helpful from radical feminism, adopted it into my own life, and am trying to leave the rest behind. I think that questioning and reevaluating your beliefs, especially in times when your life has irrevocably changed, is a good thing that people should always do (and not just with radical feminism either).

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I know that I’m not above blame for everything I’ve shared above. I'm not going to say I felt duped or brainwashed; I'm a grown woman. No matter how fucked up mentally I might have been at some points, I made my own decisions. I am responsible for what I’ve done and said, who I surround myself with, and how I respond to things. I said and did a lot of things I regret, which isn't anyone's fault other than my own.

I won’t be deleting this account, but I will be retiring it. I’ll leave this essay up in case anyone else questioning their politics finds it helpful, or if anyone has questions or wants to chat. At this point, I’d rather build bridges than burn them. The biggest lesson I’ve learned from this: if the revolution isn’t tomorrow, always choose friendship and happiness at the end of the day.

#my post #ex radfem #confession #exrf #exradfem #ex gender critical #terf #gender critical

127 notes · View notes

poisonousquinzel · 3 years ago

Note

the eat bang kill writer is lesbophobic??

@drayna: The writer of the comics is lesbophobic??? How does that even work with the whole point of these comics then lmao

@hello-gaynow: Oh no! What has she done thats lesbiphobic?

(I was gonna respond on that post itself but I figured I could just move it all over here since someone sent an ask <3)

so yeah, unfortunately 😬 it came out a few weeks ago after she confirmed that Ivy in this comic / in the show is bisexual and some people started giving her shit for it, which like don't do that, but her response to someone apologizing for the backlash was:

Comment: As a lesbian I wanna apologize for how half this community reacts to literally anything they're legitimately some of the most annoying fucking people on the planet

Tee Franklin: You don't have to apologize, these ignoramuses don't speak for all lesbians.

You good with me boo even tho I hate lesbians. 😩

And clearly that set off a wave of valid criticism and for some reason ig she can't figure out why people took issue with her just flat out saying she hates lesbians.

Like yeah, people were absolutely in the wrong for harassing her about writing her version of Ivy as bisexual, but I've seen a lot of people completely talking over the lesbian community in the DC fandom who've expressed being hurt over her comments and have brushed those criticisms aside because "oh, y'all are just mad she's not writing Ivy how y'all want."

Not to mention that I’ve seen a lot of lesbians say that it feels like she’s actively pushing the idea that if you’ve ever been in a relationship with a man, you cannot be a lesbian, and that that’s why Ivy’s bisexual! Obviously! She was with Kiteman! Which not only completely disregards the comphet vibes a lot of us got from Ivy in the show, but also just in general it invalidates lesbians who’ve been with men in the past.

and on September 1 she replied to a TikTok about it.

Their TikTok was just the above screenshot captioned with "not the writer of Harley Quinn: The Animated Series: The Eat Bang Kill Tour literally being homophobic towards lesbians 🙁”

And she responded in the replies with:

MizTee Franklin: How about you actually READ the entire thing instead of cherry picking what you want. People were claiming this is what I am so I “agreed” with em

MizTee Franklin: I wasn’t making a joke. I had hundreds of comments calling me a TERF & a lesbian hater & enby hater. I’m not arguing w/ppl about what I said.

MizTee Franklin: But you posted this to cause controversy I see you and the rest of y’all. Everyone who followed knows exactly what went down

But if this is the narrative you wanna spin have fun. I know what’s what and so does everyone else who follows me.

@ cowboyharley: yeah like i said i read all the tweets and you’re just unprofessional and refuse to acknowledge when people tell u something u said was harmful

MizTee Franklin: Good thing your opinion isn’t canon.

which is.... certainly a response... I guess.

Like genuinely, I think this would have ended quickly if she’d just, idk, apologized to the lesbians she hurt when she said she hates lesbians???? It’s not that hard to understand why that was a harmful statement that people took issue with, lady.

It wouldn’t have been that hard to fix this situation, at all. Literally she just needed to say “hey, I don’t hate lesbians, sorry!”, but no, she doubled down and has continued to just make it worse and then said she wasn’t joking.

Like I don’t understand how she can say she was “agreeing” with the hate comments in a sarcastic manner, and then turn around and immediately say in her next comment that she wasn’t joking.

Those are contradictory statements.

And I’ve seen some people trying to dismiss her comments because she’s queer and like y’all

That. Is. Not. An. Excuse.

You can be hateful towards and spread harmful statements about other members of the LGBT community even if you are part of it.

And I’m not going to stand by and pretend that what she said wasn’t harmful and didn’t hurt a lot of people because it did.

#tw lesphobia #♦️ asks ♦️#harley quinn: the animated series: the eat bang kill tour

313 notes · View notes

mischiefandspirits · 3 years ago

Text

Bernard Figures It Out

Was reading through all the comments on @frostbittenbucky's post and all I could think of was that it was Bernard talking to Tim. Then I got to thinking...

"I've connected the two dots."

"You didn't connect shit."

"I've connected them."

Bernard figures out Tim's a superhero... sort of.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim fidgetted nervously as he waited on the front porch of his boyfriend’s house. Bernard had sounded so serious when he’d called during Tim’s lunch to ask him to come over after work so they could talk about something.

Which Tim had done, after spending an entire board meeting just going over the past week trying to figure out what he’d done.

The only thing he could think of was that he’d ducked out halfway through their lunch date on Wednesday to give Duke some backup, but Bernard had seemed understanding when Tim explained there was an emergency at GRC Labs. It couldn’t have been a tipping point, either, since Tim had managed to only flake on three other dates over the past few months they’d been dating. Kate had been happy to cover for him as often as she could “out of queer solidarity” when she found out Tim was dating a boy for the first time and Tim had managed to trick Bruce into covering a few actual Wayne Enterprises emergencies for him when they came up.

There had to be a reason Bernard was breaking up with him, though. Had he missed something? He definitely wasn’t forgetting an important day. He was good with days and Tam was even better, so she would have reminded him on the off chance that he had forgotten.

What was he missing?

Bernard was smiling when he opened the door, but there was a nervous energy to it that had Tim’s stomach sinking. “Hey, Tim.”

“Hey.” Tim gave his own nervous smile then slipped inside.

They went into the living room and sat down on the couch.

Tim frowned when Bernard grabbed a manila folder off the coffee table. Crud, had he screwed up enough that Bernard had had to make a list? He knew he was new to dating a guy, but he hadn’t thought he’d done that bad. He’d really been trying, especially with how his and Stephanie’s relationship had fallen apart at the end. “What -”

“Just let me speak, Tim,” Bernard said, waiting for Tim’s nod. “Okay, so you know Clark Kent, right?”

Tim blinked as Bernard opened the folder to show a picture of Clark. It looked like one of the employee pictures from the Planet’s website, with his dorky “I’m just a humble country boy” smile and the golden globe from their roof photoshopped in as the background. “Uh, yeah? I think so. He works for the Daily Planet, right? I think he’s worked at a few of Bruce’s events. Not a lot of outside reporters are willing to come to Gotham.”

“Exactly!” Bernard said, snapping his fingers and pointing at Tim.

“What?”

He pulled out the picture to show the next page was an article titled, “DAILY PLANET REPORTER… BATMAN!?”

A wave of relief washed over Tim and he placed his face in his hands. “Were you up all night on the hero conspiracy boards again?”

“No. I mean, I found this on a board and was up all night thinking about it, but I found it reasonably early.”

“One in the morning isn’t reasonable, Bernard.”

“Says the guy who’s always wide awake when I call to infodump.”

“Touché.” Tim leaned against Bernard and gave him a smile. “So tell me, why is some reporter from Metropolis from all places Batman.”

“First of all, living in Metropolis is the perfect cover. Everyone assumes Batman would live in Gotham, no one would consider he could be from anywhere else. Metropolis is outside the GMA, but close enough that the commute is still possible.”

“But it’s Metropolis.”

“And who would think Gotham’s Dark Knight lives in the sunshine capital? Plus, I hear he disappears a lot on the job. There’s gotta be a reason for it!”

Tim made a note to let Clark know he needs to cut back on the disappearing act some since people are catching on.

“And have you seen the guy? He is swol AF, babe.”

“Please don’t call me babe while you’re talking about how hot another guy is.” Especially Tim’s honorary uncle.

“You know I prefer twinks.”

“BERNARD!”

“I’m just saying,” he continued, ignoring Tim’s shout. “The guy is definitely hiding something! Besides, Kent is an investigative reporter. He’s gotta know a lot about cases and the underground and detective work.”

Not as much as he likes people to think, but more than he likes people to know Superman does, Tim mused. “But what about the other vigilantes?”

“Well, Kent has a cousin…” Bernard flipped through a folder and pulled out a picture of Kara. It looked like a screenshot of her interviewing Lena for CatCo. “She’s obviously the latest Batgirl. Look at her hair. And the first Batgirl and the current Batwoman were obviously Lois Lane, the red hair is just a wig. Did you see how she kicked butt at that last event she went to? She’s not as subtle as Kent. That means their son is the latest Robin. He’s exactly the right size.”

Oh, Damian better not hear about this, Tim cackled internally. His youngest brother hated being reminded that Jon was the same height as him despite their two years age difference. Damian definitely took after Talia when it came to body type, no matter what he said.

“And Kent also has a brother.” This time he pulled out a picture of Kon. The clone must have been caught by a reporter out shopping with Ma since he was carrying some paper bags and glaring at whoever was behind the camera. “At least, he’s supposedly Kent’s brother, but he was a teenager when he first showed up with the Kents. A lot of people think he’s actually Kent’s son, that Kent got a girl pregnant when they were teenagers and something happened to the mom so Kent had to take him in. Now the Kents are trying to hide it by saying the two are brothers.”

That was… scarily accurate actually. Especially given Luthor and Clark were close friends at the time that Kon would have theoretically been born.

“And that beef would explain why the younger Kent brother went all crime lord on Gotham for a while before reconnecting with the family.”

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah, Kent Jr.’s got the perfect build for Red Hood.”

Tim bit back a comment on how Kon was shorter than Jason by a good foot. Timothy Drake-Wayne should not know that. Add Jason to the list of people who can’t hear this theory.

“And then there’s this girl,” Bernard picked up a picture of Lois, Jon, and Natasha Irons walking down the street together. “No one’s sure exactly who she is, but she’s been spotted with the Kents a few times. I think the cover story is that she’s Jon’s babysitter.”

“And the actual story?”

“She’s Black Bat, obviously. That’s why she wears a mask that fully covers her face. She doesn’t want to stand out as the only African American Bat.”

“Isn’t Signal also Black?”

“Yeah, but he works in the daytime so he’s already a standout.”

“And who is Signal in this? And what about Nightwing and Red Robin?”

“Well, Nightwing’s just a Blüd who came to Gotham. He doesn’t count.”

Ouch. Sorry, Dick.

“And Red Robin is obviously an older Robin, the one who was Robin when we were kids. Kent wanted to keep him on, and I don’t blame him. As for Signal, he’s got the same backstory as all the other Robins Kent picked up, he just went the Signal route because he didn’t fit the usual Robin mold.”

“Because the female Robin fit the mold,” Tim snorted. Robin Mold, as if he and his brothers were even the same ethnicity. Or even had the same hair color. Jason dyes his hair, Dick’s is brown-black, Tim’s is pure black, and Damian’s is more a dark brown and it’s only getting lighter as he gets older.

“She didn’t, that’s the point. Kent tried to give breaking the Robin mold a chance by letting his cousin have a go at it, but he realized it just didn’t work so she went back to being Spoiler and he got a new Robin.”

Not touching that with a ten-foot pole. “Right, and where does he get the usual Robins? Please tell me you’re not back on the secret government orphanages theory.”

“No, no, no. Kent travels sometimes for his job, right? And a lot of the time he’s going to places that have been hit by disasters or major crimes. So he’ll take in some of the displaced children to train as his robins.”

Tim pressed his face back into his hands.

“You see it, right?”

Honestly, Tim was just wondering how his boyfriend could be so close, and yet so far off. “How would Kent even afford taking care of a bunch of secret -- possibly illegally acquired -- children without anyone noticing?”

“Simple. Bruce Wayne is funding him.”

“Bernard, I love you, but what the heck?” Tim blushed and looked up as he realized what he’d said, but Bernard didn’t seem to notice as he steamrolled ahead.

“It’d also explain how he can afford all the gear and how he’d be able to travel to Gotham or anywhere else Batman goes without anyone noticing. He probably has a secret Batplane or something.”

“Why would Bruce do that?”

“Because Wayne cares about Gotham, everyone knows that, and this way he can make sure someone’s taking care of the city without anyone putting two and two together.”

“And two plus two is?”

Bernard gave him a hard look. “I’m not stupid, Tim. Bruce Wayne is obviously Superman. His face is right there.”

Oh, the others are going to love this! Too bad I can’t tell Damian or Jason. Jason especially would have loved this. “Right. Bruce is Superman.”

“He is. Superman is known for being nice and Bruce Wayne’s basically all that’s keeping the city running at this point. That’s nice as hell.”

Oh my god.

“And Wayne does charity for the victims of cataclysms, doesn't he? I bet he first saves people from them as Superman and then builds them new homes for free.”

Oh my god! Why am I not recording this!?

“And the Wayne’s were rich enough to hide the fact they adopted an alien baby.”

Tim raised an eyebrow. “If you’re about to tell me this is why Bruce’s parents got killed, you might want to stop while you’re ahead.”

“It’d make sense. There’re all sorts of unanswered questions about their deaths,” Bernard muttered under his breath, flipping through the folder. He pulled out another picture of Kara. This time she was in full Supergirl attire with a bus held overhead. “So if Wayne is Superman, then that’d mean your ex-girlfriend could be Supergirl. They look a lot alike and it’d explain how she got involved with you all.”

“Bernard, she has a human dad. You know, Cluemaster. The supervillain.”

“Yeah, her dad. But we don’t know anything about her mom!”

“Let me guess…”

Bernard pulled out a picture of Karen. She and Helena were suited up and talking to a group of cops, two goons held over each of Karen’s shoulders. “Her mom could be Power Girl! Some makeup and a wig and she could look just like Crystal Brown! And Damian Wayne is obviously the new Superboy! That’s why his background is such a mystery, right? He had to stay a secret until he could control his alien superpowers. That’s why he’s always so mean. It’s a cover since everyone knows Superboy is super sweet!”

Sure, when he’s not helping Damian pull pranks or using his adorable powers to put the blame on Kon and I. “No, Bernard. Damian and Steph are just very human hellspawn. And Bruce and Crystal are human too. I can’t believe you called me over here just to tell me you think Superman is both Batman’s sugar daddy and my adoptive dad.”

“Well, that’s not exactly why I called you over,” Bernard admitted, the nervous energy coming back. He grabbed Tim’s hands. “Tim -”

Tim’s stomach sank. “You are breaking up with me!”

“What? No! I don’t want to break up!”

“Why are you acting all nervous and serious then!?” Tim asked, pulling his hands away to throw them up in the air.

Bernard shook the folder. “Because I’m trying to tell you I figured out you’re Superboy!”

Tim’s brain blue-screened and his hands slowly dropped. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I know you’re Superboy. The older one, obviously. By the way, you and Damian really need to figure out separate names.”

Forget Jason and Damian, Kon can never find out about this. He’d never let me live it down. “Bernard, you called me a twink five minutes ago. Su-” Shoot, I can not risk getting Kon’s attention! “The older one might not be as big as Superman, but he’s not a twink.”

“Well, yeah, that’s the shapeshifting at work.”

“The what?”

“Obviously you Kryptonians can shapeshift. Why else would you look so much like humans?”

… Why do Kryptonians look so much like humans? Was there some - Wait, no! Break into the Fortress of Solitude for research later! Reassure your boyfriend that you’re not an alien now! “Bernard -”

“And that explains why your step-mom was so hot.”

“Gross.”

“She and your dad were actors hired by Luthor so you could have a normal life! But now Bruce has custody so he adopted you.”

“No.”

“That’s why you and your dad were so weird with each other when I met him.”

“We were weird because he’d just gotten out of a coma not long before to find that his wife was dead so he decided to actually be a dad for once in his life, but overcompensated and became a helicopter parent to a kid who was mostly on his own for his entire life!” Tim blurted out. “I am not an alien, Bernard!”

“Well, not technically since you were cloned from Superman on Earth.”

“Oh my god! You were just talking about Steph being Supergirl! Why would I date my dad’s cousin?”

Bernard blinked. “Supergirl and Superman are cousins?”

Right, Timothy Drake-Wayne wasn’t supposed to know that. “I thought they’d said something like that before, yeah. Are people seriously saying I’m Superboy on the internet?”

“NO! No, I swear I would have led with that if I thought your identity was compromised. A few people have mentioned Wayne and Damian, but not you or Steph or Jason.”

“Wh-Jason!? You think Jason was an alien too!”

“No, not exactly, but a few times when I’ve visited I swear I’ve seen a guy in the manor who looks like Jason. It’s just been out of the corner of my eye and he’s gone whenever I look so I’ve always thought it was just Dick or Bruce or some picture of Jason that my mind was playing tricks with, but it makes sense now that I know Wayne is Superman. He must have been able to heal Jason with alien tech, but couldn’t say anything because that would give away that he’s Superman.”

Damn it Jason! And damn it Bernard! I’m dating the smartest moron in the world! “Bruce did not bring Jason back with alien technology and none of us are aliens!”

“It’s okay, Tim. I won’t tell anyone.”

Tim grabbed Bernard by the jacket and pulled him into a kiss. When he started to feel lightheaded, he pulled back, “Could someone whose skin is as solid as stone kiss like that?”

Bernard blinked dazedly at him for a moment. “How do you know what Superboy’s skin feels like?”

Tim screamed internally. “He’s saved me from a kidnapping before.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I can get you the police report if you want.”

“Huh… And the others?”

“Not Supers. I can stab Damian the next time we’re at the manor if that’ll prove none of us are aliens.” He’d rather stab Jason, but that would probably only confirm to Bernard that Bruce used alien technology to bring him back.

“You probably shouldn’t stab your brother if he isn’t an alien.”

Tim rolled his eyes. “I won’t stab him anywhere deadly.”

“That’s not the point,” Bernard said slowly.

“He’ll be fine.”

“If you say so.”

“So do you believe I’m not an alien now?” Tim huffed, letting go of Bernard’s jacket.

The blond’s eyes dipped down to Tim’s lips. “If I say no, will you kiss me like that again?”

“You’re ridiculous,” Tim said, but he kissed him anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Okay, but I still say Clark Kent is definitely Batman.”

“Sure, Bernard.”

#Tim Drake #robin #red robin #bernard dowd #timber #fanfiction

279 notes · View notes

itsallyscorner · 4 years ago

Note

okay so I love littlemix!reader x Tom holland??? the best pairing ever??? Anyways could you do something based of Holiday, like it’s obviously based off their lovers and maybe his reaction to the song & mv? Pls I’m in love with Baby Mix btw 😌❤️

Glad you’re enjoying the Little Mix member!reader x Tom Holland fics, I’m enjoying them too🥰 Thank you for the support on Baby Mix, btw, I appreciate it! Sorry for taking so long! Much love and happy reading💖

💌.

Holiday

I completely forgot when the girls dropped the video so I’m making up a time. Enjoy:)

Counting down the minutes to midnight, Tom continuously refreshed the YouTube app on your smart tv. The two of your were in his shared home with Harry, Harrison, and Tuwaine. You’ve been staying with the lot since the beginning of quarantine; London’s travel ban prevented you from catching a flight back home to your family, resulting in your boyfriend, Tom, begging you to stay with him and his mates. You didn’t have a problem with it in all honesty, the boys were great and respectful roommates. Though you were the only woman in the house, they provided you with entertainment and respected your alone time. They were a nice group of lads, letting you in on inside jokes and making you feel like you were part of the gang. By now, you probably were part of the gang. Harrison even considered on replacing Tom with you.

“Bubs, the video’s not gonna be up yet.” You glance at the screen that showed the previous videos the band’s channel posted. Tom huffed, nudging your arms apart so he can squeeze through them to lay on your chest. The two of you were currently in his room waiting for the release of Holiday’s music video. Tom had been anticipating the video all day, asking for hints about the music video’s concept and wondering how it looked.

With his body snuggled up against yours, he rested his head on your chest and wrapped his arm around your torso. His other hand reached towards the tv with the remote as he clicked the video for Break Up Song.

“I know it’s not gonna be up yet, but what if they accidentally uploaded it early? I wanna see the video already.” He whined. His fingers began to drum to the beat of Break Up Song on your stomach.

You laughed, fingers carding through his brown curls that have grown for the past months. He hums along to the song while you text the girls. He lets out a chuckle once he sees you on the screen doing the dance that he’s been helping you learn for the video. You had been struggling to get the choreography down and doing the moves on time. Noticing your desperate attempts at the moves, Tom offered to help you. Obviously in the end you perfected the choreography, seeing as it made the video, thanks to Tom.

“You are so cute.” He mused watching you dance around in the video. “Look at you dance, I don’t know what you were so worried about. You look so adorable when you dance and look at your face! Just wanna squish those cheeks together.” He began to tease you. You whine his name out as he reached up to squish your cheeks together with his hand. Your phone began to rang causing him to stop. He glances at the sceeen, “It’s my best friend, lemme answer it.”

“Go ahead.” You giggled handing him your phone. His head remains on your chest as he answers the FaceTime call. Jesy pops up on the screen with a giant smile but it drops once she sees Tom, changing into a playful scowl.

“Hi best friend!” Tom greets her loudly, a playful grin on his face. Jesy rolls her eyes at the boy.

“Hi Tom.” She greeted him sarcastically. “Give the phone to (y/n).”

“She’s right here, see,” Tom moved the phone further away so you were both in the frame. You waved at her, “Jess I miss you!” You cried.

“I miss you too darling—Tom give her the bloody phone!” Jesy scolded him through the phone. He let out a dramatic sigh before handing you your phone and snuggling into your stomach, mumbling something about “not being able to catch a break from the constant bullying of Jesy Nelson.”

“Right just a few minutes left, I’m trying to get the other girls on here.” Jesy explained as she tapped around her phone. Sooner or later. The two of you were joined by Perrie, Jade, and Leigh-Anne.

Perrie let out a squeal as she saw everyone on the screen, “You guys I miss you so much!”

“Didn’t we all see each other just a few weeks ago?” Jade asked sipping on a glass of wine as per usual.

“Yeah, on the set, but it’s a few weeks too long.” You pouted. You noticed that everyone was drinking except for you, “Wait, has everyone got a drink except for me?”

Leigh-Anne’s eyes scanned everyone on the screen, “You are, are you in bed already? It’s so early babe.”

“Leigh-Anne’s it’s literally about to be midnight, it’s late.” Jesy chimes. Jade makes a sound of disagreement, “I mean does time even matter anymore?”

“What day is it anyway? I’ve lost track.” Perrie thought out loud. You moved to get up from the bed but Tom stopped you. “Where are you going?” He whispered.

“I’m getting a drink, I’ll be back.” You patted his cheek before sitting up. He stops you once again and stands from the bed, “I’ll get you one.” He kisses your temple and leaves the room.

“Aww, was that Tom?” Jade asked leaning closer to her camera. You hummed, “Yup, being the amazing boyfriend he is and getting me a drink.”

Perrie smirked at you, “Gosh, there’s that smile again. She’s whipped for ‘im ladies!” The girls began “ooo-ing” like a bunch of elementary school girls. “Guys, stop.” You whine.

“Have you told him the part you wrote was inspired by him?” Leigh-Anne asked, chin in her palm.

“No, I’ll tell him while he’s watching. He’s been so excited the whole day, probably more than me.” You chuckle. As if on cue, Tom comes back in with a bottle of champagne and two glasses.

“Tom’s going to be so nerdy about it, like a cute nerdy, you know what I mean? All mushy gushy. Like how he gets whenever (y/n) kisses his cheeks.” Jesy said as the girls cooed. Tom peeks from beside you.

“Did I hear that correctly? Did Jesy just compliment me?” He asked everyone, looking back at you for confirmation. You shrugged as you looked at Jesy. Jade stifled a laugh at Jesy’s annoyed expression.

“Oh fuck off you div. It’s an observation. You could barely compose yourself whenever you’re around (y/n).” Jesy playfully jabs at him. You adored their friendship, it was like a brother/sister bond. Jesy being the older sibling and Tom being the annoying little brother.

“Jes, leave the poor boy alone, he makes our baby happy.” Perrie defended Tom. Tom smiles thankfully at her, “Thank you Perrie, at least I know some of you like me.”

Tom pops open the champagne and takes one of the glasses to pour the beverage in, “But I’ll take it as a compliment Jes. Cheers to that.” He raises his glass and clinks it with your phone screen. You and the girls continue to talk until midnight. When the video was finally released you all celebrated and took some screenshots of each other to post later.

When your FaceTime call with the girls ended, you turned to Tom, who already had the video up on the screen. He made grabby hands at you and pulled you to sit in between his legs. With his back against the headboard he made sure the two of you were comfy before asking you, “Can I click play now?”

You chuckled at him as his leg bounced, “Yup.” He pressed play, placing the remote down and wrapping his arm around your front to pull you closer to him. The intro to the video starts, the title of the song appearing on the screen in a water type font. Jesy pops up on the screen singing her part, Tom cheers yelling “It’s my best friend!”

Tom hypes each of the girls up while they appear on the screen, cheering their names. When the chorus comes, his brows furrow as he looks down at you. “Wait where are you? Why—why didn’t they show you yet?” He questioned you, visibly upset. You were about to answer but instead pointed to the screen when you realized your part was coming up.

Boy, have I told ya?

You give it to me like no other guy

We got that heat, yeah, like the summer (summer)

And that's why I'm so glad I made you mine

You appeared on the screen, body cladded in a white bikini that had gold straps for both the bra and thong. You bursted out laughing when you saw Tom’s reaction. His eyes look like they were about to bulge out his head while his jaw was slacked.

“Holy...shit.” He mumbled eyes glued to the screen as you sang. The scene was you in that blue hallway type set. You looked at the camera, bedroom eyes fully activated as your back slid down the wall. You felt his grip around you tighten, his breathing getting deeper.

The scene changed to the one with the planets, sculptures, and lounging chairs. You were seen walking towards a Chaise lounge, giving the camera a perfect view of your bum. While you sat sideways on the couch in the video, Tom couldn’t help but think about how gorgeous you looked in the video. You looked like a goddess, confident as you strutted around in that little number of yours in the video.

You turned to look at him once your part was done and pressed a kiss to his jaw. “You know my whole part was about you right?” His head snaps to look at you, “You wrote something about me in a song?”

“Tommy, I always do. Who else would I be singing about?” You asked him amused. He took a second to think before shaking his head, “I thought it was in general, like it was based on how you would feel if you were with someone that made you feel that way.”

You nod at his explanation, “Well yeah, the fans could see it that way. But when I sing it, it’s about you.”

A goofy grin made its way to his face before he giggled, “It’s about me.” He pulled you into a hug from behind and rested his chin on your shoulder. He turned back to the tv to see you all dressed as mermaids while you sang your part in the chorus.

“Wait what—you’re mermaids?” The look of confusion appeared on his face again as he tried to figure out the video. He looked at you then back to the screen, repeating the action a few times.

“I never thought I’d say this, but if you were a mermaid, I’d still fuck you.” He confessed with a shrug. You bursted out laughing at his confession, “How do you even fuck a mermaid, Tom?”

His hands gripped your sides, voice going down an octave, “You tell me, (y/n). Get the mermaid tail back and we’ll find out.” You looked at him shocked, “Thomas!”

He laughed dropping the act and went back to watching the music video. “Wait, I’m still cofused. I thought you guys were in space cause of the planets and stuff. Why are you guys also underwater? And mermaids?” You tilted your head trying to come up with an answer for him.

“Um—it’s a spa, on a another planet, which also has an ocean I’m guessing, and that’s why we’re also mermaids?” You explained, also questioning yourself.

“I like the concept, probably the most random video you guys have had, but it’s sick.” He approved of the video with an impressed look on his face. When the video ended, he immediately pressed replay. Though when your part came up this time he let out a “GOD DAMN” before his eyes scanned you up and down. When he finally felt like he’s processed the music video, he let it play in the background and paid attention to you.

He leaned down to kiss your lips sweetly, “Love, that was amazing. I’m proud of you.” He was quick to add on, “And thank you for writing a part of the song about me, I never thought someone would write a song about me, not even a part. But thank you, I love you so much.”

You giggled shoving your face into his neck as you both moved to cuddling. Suddenly you remembered something you and the boys promised to do.

“Tom! We were supposed to watch the video with the other boys! Remember we promised to not watch it without them?” You leaned back to look at Tom who was already shaking his head.

“Oh they’re not allowed to watch the video.” He muttered. Your brows furrow at him. Tom motions to the tv, the part where your bum was facing the camera on the screen.

“Because of that, I don’t need them seeing that, that’s mine.” One of his hands trail down the length of your back to grip your ass. He rolled over so he was on top of you, dipping his head into your neck, his lips ghosted fluttery kisses along your skin. You let out a content sigh, running your hands through his soft hair. When his lips reached your ear, he whispered, “But seriously though, you should think about investing in a mermaid tail.”

#marvel #mcu #avengers #Tom Holland #Tom Holland x reader #Tom Holland imagine #tom holland fluff #tom holland one shot #tom holland drabble #tom holland headcanon #little mix #jesy nelson #jade thirlwall #perrie edwards #leigh anne pinnock #ally’s requests

476 notes · View notes

mtreebeardiles · 11 months ago

Note

Okay here's the text version, and it includes more than what the screenshots had cuz I got tired of taking screenshots last night hahaha

"What's home like for you, stranger?"

A rote question with rote answers, but the automatic replies wouldn't fall from his lips. The question hung in the air instead, heavy like a cloud that'd absorbed too much rain, and he braced himself for the deluge. Felt the first little trickles, the soft patter of drizzling mist, and remembered what storms felt like, how --

--there was no hiding from the storms out on the plains, dark thunderclouds gathering in the distance, roiling closer, closer. Long, sun-bleached prairie grasses pulled nearly horizontal by the winds, the air crackling with energy, with promise. Destruction and renewal, a gift that took and gave, a brutal cycle of life and death, death and life, captured in sheets of rain and the snap of lightning. Would the water be enough? Would it drown any chance of fire, make wet the grasses to prevent easy kindling? But then the water was just as dangerous, stealing nutrients from the ground and whisking it away --

"Flat."

"Flat?"

A slight laugh in the other's mouth, a furrowing of the brow. "Just…flat?"

Just flat. Just flat, as if it meant nothing, as if it hadn't defined his whole world once, hadn't determined the relationship between the land and the sky, as if he hadn't spent so many summers ---

--flat on his back, staring up at clear blue skies that seemed to go on forever. Sun-warmed ground and the haze of a lazy day, buzzing insects with stained-glass wings, delicate, diligent things never deviating from their role in the world. They knew their dance, knew each step, ingrained instinct, and he wondered if it would've been easier, to have what they did: direction, a knowing, point A to point B to point C, instead of this deep restlessness, this tightness in his chest, a hum beneath his skin, such a cruel and unyielding want --

"Prairie country."

"Ahh, one of the Terran colonies?"

Terran colonies. Not called as such for primarily supporting humans, but because the planets themselves were shaped and formed out of a desire to recreate Earth -- or at least an image of an Earth he wasn't sure had ever truly existed or, if it had, had been lost a long, long time ago.

Still, it miffed him that that would be the other's assumption.

"Other colonies have prairies."

"Are you from a different colony?"

"…no."

A laugh, and he sipped from his canteen, throat feeling parched, dry and cracking like --

--A bad season. Too many storms, too much water, then not enough, not enough, and the sun beat down too harshly. Sun-bleached grass grew brittle and frail, a staging ground for lightning to become fire. Too much fire, too much smoke, and the balance had shifted.

"I'm sorry this is happening," murmured the boy who didn't belong.

"What's there to be sorry for?" he asked the day he knew his home would burn. "You didn't call these storms, did you?"

A steady gaze captured his and not for the first time he thought maybe magic was real -- that it lived in this boy's eyes, twin swirls of blue-gray not unlike the sky before a storm. That it crackled beneath his skin, that it could be shaped from the natural pout of his lips. That only his calm kept the winds at bay.

He wanted to reach for them, pull them loose, unleash them --

"--been rough for a lot of the Terrans, hasn't it?" the other was saying now. "Something gone wrong with the terraforming process."

"Maybe."

"Bit beyond me to understand it, if I'm honest." The other shrugged. "But then, that's why I'm on this station -- stability, you know? No sudden changes, no out of control weather. Don't have to worry about the elements."

A noncommittal hum was the best he could offer in response, the other's words only fueling the restlessness in his bones, in sinew and muscle, in frenzied synapses firing, firing, eager to go, go --

"Going?"

A murmur in the dark, skies above a star-strewn canopy peeking out behind gathering clouds. Bits of moonlight broke through here and there, illuminating the boy who did not belong's pale skin and once again he thought of magic.

"I can't stay here," he said, and the boy who did not belong didn't reply. Hands on his hips, callused fingers scraping and catching against the soft skin of his waist where they'd slipped under the hem of his shirt, and he gave the boy who did not belong his quiet. Reached out with his own fingertips to trace the planes of his face, the swell of those lips, the delicate flutter of his lashes. The storm in his eyes was intense tonight, sending shivers like thrills through his body.

"You shouldn't stay here either," he finally went on, and those eyes shifted their gaze to his. Unfathomable, unreachable, and even though it hurt he couldn’t help but find the moment beautiful.

"I can't leave."

"You don't belong here."

"And you do."

"Maybe neither of us do," he whispered, but the argument scattered like ash before the wind. A pale hand reached up, cool fingers on his cheek.

"Will you remember me? Will you—“

"Do you miss it?"

He sighed. Wondered briefly what it was that seemed to signal the other to keep talking to him, to keep this conversation alive.

"I don't."

"No? No family back there, no significant others?"

"Some."

"Surely you miss them?"

Did he? Or was it more that he hoped they missed him? That the boy who did not belong was still there, now a man who maybe belonged, finally, after all this time, even though he'd wanted more than anything for him to come with him? Had he changed at all? Was there still that hint of magic in his eyes? Would he remember him, would he remember that night, that final night, lying on the grass with him poised above him --

"--I am going to memorize every last part of you."

Each freckle counted and kissed, and there were so many more of them after weeks in the sun. Thick along the bridge of his nose, his cheeks, and he pulled his shirt free to reveal more. Scatterings across his shoulders; smatterings along his back. Beautiful imperfections and he tasted each one.

"Reese…"

A sigh, satisfaction and lament all in one, and maybe part of him wished things could be different. A storm had brought this boy who did not belong to him; a storm was set to take him away.

It hurt, but there was a beauty, at least, in the tragic symmetry of it all.

"Maybe."

"What was the name of that colony, anyway? Maybe I know it."

"Arthalea."

A shift in the other's posture, uneasy, and Reese glanced at him sidelong.

"What?"

"…I take it you haven’t heard?”

"Heard what?”

"About your home."

It's not my home, he wanted to say, but he didn't like the look the other was giving him. Something akin to pity, sympathy, something that didn't sit well in the pit of his stomach.

"What about it?"

"It was annexed, about four cycles back."

Reese stared. The other cleared his throat.

"There's nothing there worth digging up," he said after a moment.

"Soil's still rich," the other replied. Held up both hands, triple digits twitching under Reese's intense scrutiny. "You know these corporations are big on recycling failed terraformed planets."

"People still live there."

Raithe was there. Raithe, who wouldn't leave for Reese, sure as shit wouldn't have left because some corporation told him to. He may have come to the Plains not belonging, but he'd worked to make himself fit, shaped himself to her capricious ways, let her burrow her way into his heart deeper than any Plains native no matter the whispers telling him he didn’t belong.

"Not anymore," the other said.

"They wouldn't have left."

"Yeah," the other agreed, and there was that sympathy again. "That's the thing, I guess, about choices."

"What is?"

A three-fingered hand fell gently to his shoulder, blue skin nearly translucent in the false lights of the station.

"Sometimes we don't get any."

bestieeee can you please tell us about 'Stars Our Destination'? I'm intrigued hehe :3c

Ahh! I’m on mobile so I had to screenshot it since the tumblr app hates keeping my formatting 😭

But this one is a placeholder title for an original work of mine that I’ve been marinating on for… a few years now? Definitely before I started writing ME fanfic, because one of the characters would eventually serve as a sort of template for my main Shepard, Everett, though I like to think the two are distinct from each other at this point lol. The snippet below is from the POV of one of the other characters 😊

#my writing #original work #original characters #text version lol

5 notes · View notes

luwupercal · 4 years ago

Text

Palatine Phoenix: Notes and Analysis

In this post, I will be using passages from the novel Fulgrim: The Palatine Phoenix, by Josh Reynolds, to analyze the novel. My analysis will mostly be centered around the main character of this novel, the titular Fulgrim, and how this novel subverts the common pitfalls his characterization falls into, and gives him a depth of personality while setting the stage for the man he would become in the future.

A short foreword: in an earth-shattering record for a Horus Heresy/Imperium-centric book, I disagree with exactly two (2) sentences in this book, and no more. They are: (1) the one that calls Abdemon ugly, early on (he’s moe!), and (2) the one where Fulgrim is said to have purple eyes (they’re black, I’ll fight you).

This will contain spoilers for all of Palatine Phoenix, but it is nonetheless worth reading, because it’s a novel that works even if you see its twists coming a thousand miles away. Which is how you know it’s good.

Now. Let’s begin, shall we?

I will, unfortunately, have to add pictures of the screenshots I took of my notes later. For now you just get text and the quotes written out in italics. Sorry.

First off, brief plot summary for those who haven’t read: Palatine Phoenix is set in the early days of Fulgrim’s legion, only a few decades after he was first found. I don’t remember if Rogal Dorn or Roboute Guilliman is the most recently found primarch, but I remember there’s only seven or eight primarchs that’ve been found by the Imperium by the time this novel is set. (The second primarch hasn’t been redacted yet, and his personality is actually briefly described in the novel; it contradicts my OC, but I can rework him, it’s fine).

It follows Fulgrim’s ‘final test’ as a leader of his own independent legion, out of his brothers’ shadows: taking a planet, Byzas, in only a month, with only seven space marines, plus him (plus a regiment or so of the Imperial army, a diplomat, and her cadre, sent by the highest seat in the Imperial government and thusly unavoidable; said diplomat is the absolute girlboss Golconda Pyke, a very sharp older woman with a canonical Karen haircut who happens to be utterly badass).

Things are complicated by several factors: the planet’s lord, Pandion; his chancellor, Belleros Corynth; a workers’ revolt maybe being puppeteered by the upper class; and a lot, and I mean a LOT, of conspiracies working for and/or against... er, all of the above-mentioned.

Let’s start with the subject of my first highlighted text off this novel, and one topic that surprises me somewhat is headlining my essay on Fulgrim, of all people: religion in the Imperium.

I start here because there’s a neat little parallel — later in the novel, Fulgrim thinks this:

He flinched back from the thought. Worship was a taboo word in his father’s kingdom. There was no worship, for there were no gods. No demigods. Only the Emperor and His sons, and the Imperium they would rule together.

(all emphasis both above and hereon out mine)

But at another point, Fulgrim contradicts this:

“’We are wells yet untapped’,” Fulgrim murmured. A saying of Horus’s. They all had their secrets, their hidden passions. What was a man but a tangle of secrets? Not that they were men. But demigods were as entitled to secrets as the mortals who worshipped them.

This contradiction might’ve been unintentional, and I don’t blame Josh Reynolds if it is (because writing is really hard), but it also states something fairly clearly: the idea that there’s no religion in the Imperium is a blatant lie, and even the primarchs, when not watching their words, catch themselves admitting their semidivinity.

(Also: if the noun ends with an S, if it’s a proper noun, you say, for example, Horus’s; if it’s a common noun, like a plural, you say, for example, bees’. This has been English Grammar with Julián).

There’s also this, my very first highlighted text of the novel:

Fire and blood. Efficiency and speed. The watchwords of the Great Crusade.

“Efficiency,” Fulgrim said, making it sound like a prayer.

This is an interesting one, because it introduces something interesting about this book: it deals pretty directly with the Imperium’s Crusade being an utterly unmasked, thinly-justified conquering spree.

Here’s some passages. First off, an exchange between Fulgrim and his Lord Commander at the time, Abdemon:

Fulgrim quirked an eyebrow. “Oh? You didn’t think it was a bit much?”

“No, my lord. Just the right amount of jingoism.”

...For reference, “jingoism (n., derogatory): extreme patriotism, especially in the form of aggressive or warlike foreign policy.”

This is from the very beginning of the book, too, and frankly, it all sets its tone excellently. There’s no illusion that what the Imperium is doing is right (which is a running theme in Fulgrim’s books, of all people, interestingly enough; at the very least, in Fulgrim, by Graham McNeill, the way Fulgrim deals with the Laer is cruel and dehumanizing, inasmuch as the etymology rather than merely the spirit of that word can apply to the Laer, and we all know how that goes for him). Also, it’s very funny.

If you want to never forget what the word ‘jingoism’ means, I will openly shill to you Terry Pratchett’s Discworld books, but also I’m pretty sure that a good chunk of the audience for this post will have read Discworld. Well, actually, I’ve found that the overlap between even semi-devoted 40k fans and people who’ve read Discworld is surprisingly small; I think it’s because if we had better taste we wouldn’t be here.

Another quote that I want to talk about here, describing I believe Fulgrim’s* POV of his first impression upon Byzas’s people, or at least the first impression he wants to leave:

He was the face of the Imperium. Benevolent, welcoming, gentle.

*Might’ve been Pyke’s, too, but it doesn’t change much.

Now, “he was [...] benevolent, welcoming, gentle” is a very innocuous compliment, but this is not what Fulgrim is. This is what the Imperium’s face is. This is the Imperium’s mask, so to speak; benevolence, gentleness, open-armed-ness...

And it’s a very terrifying set of sentences when you think about it, because, well, would you describe the Imperium as benevolent? Welcoming? Gentle? Even as far back as 30k — don’t forget how in I believe it was False Gods, Terran noblewoman and remembrancer Petronella Vivar has a mutilated slave she tortures routinely for a bodyguard, and it’s not just allowed, but commonplace. (Maggard is also Terran-born, if that, uh, matters to you) If it isn’t any of those adjectives to its own citizens, even the ones of its homeworld, what the hell will it be to those people it conquers? The answer this book provides is unambiguous: Nothing good.

And on a similar note: the Imperium, normally, is terrifying. It’s every derogatory adjective you can throw at it and worse. And in 40k, at the very least, the Imperium’s masking of this is paper-thin. So you know what’s absolutely fucking terrifying? The Imperium actually making an effort to appear like the “good guys”. Think of it this way: Villain? Bad. Villain with good publicity? Who can get away with everything it does underhandedly, as long as it keeps up the façade? Even worse.

Also, with this I bring up another trend in this novel: how Fulgrim is physically described.

Here’s the narration, off-handedly, speaking of Fulgrim’s memories of I think his homeworld:

A flash of perfect teeth, as he recalled the frustrations of those days.

Here’s Pyke talking about Fulgrim:

Fulgrim smiled, and Pyke felt her heart twitch. It was as if he were a sun, caged in flesh. Every smile, every laugh, was a flare of light and heat, striking to the very core of her. She would have to be more careful around him, more so perhaps than she had been around the others. Like the sun, he might reduce her to cinders and never notice.

Here’s some excerpts from the scene where the Byzan government gets their first peek at Fulgrim (Frazer, for reference, is the officer in charge of the above-mentioned regiment-or-so, and Firebird is Fulgrim’s personal, uh, think the little ship Darth Vader pilots?):

Fulgrim chuckled. Pyke glanced up at him. “What is it?”

“They think Frazer is me.”

She snorted. “They’re in for a shock.”

“Best to get it over with then, I suppose.”

The Byzan dignitaries froze halfway to the Firebird, and then milled about like startled birds as Fulgrim and Pyke descended. Silence fell across the plaza, and Fulgrim felt a small thrill of pleasure. The awe of humans was a heady thing.

Nobody can tell me I overdid people being three-fourths surprised one-fourth horny by Sanguinius in ’Finally Awake’ anymore.

Anyway, as you can see: the narration validates the belief that Fulgrim is extremely sexy and powerful(-looking).

There’s two things I want to talk about, with regards to these excerpts: the way transhumans are propped up, in contrast with regular humans, and Fulgrim’s pride (”The awe of humans was a heady thing”).

First off, transhumans; we’ll pick Fulgrim’s brain apart later. Here’s Pyke on Fulgrim:

This close, she could feel the weight of his strength. Here was a being who could tear mountains apart with his bare hands, or swim through seas of boiling metal. It didn’t bear thinking about what he could do to her, if he so chose.

Here’s Pyke on Lord Commander Abdemon and Fulgrim:

She recalled how carefully Abdemon had held her wine glass, and wondered if the whole world were like that for Fulgrim.

Here’s Pyke on the other primarchs (and hoo boy, do I wanna hear the story behind this):

She’d met primarchs before, and even berated one - an event she suspected had used up her quota of luck for the century.

Told you she was badass.

And to contrast, here’s I think either Fulgrim or Abdemon thinking about Pyke’s increased age (he goes on for a bit):

She had decided to lean into the curve and descend into obsolescence gracefully.

Sure, it’s a fittingly sharp and frank way to refer to old age... if you think older people are somehow obsolete. Which, uh, I hope none of us do, because that’s a really needlessly cruel thing to think. And, okay. It’s not new to any of us that the Imperium is on some serious eugenics, right?

Some other stand-out moments of transhumans demonstrating superiority occur in the novel that I didn’t get to highlight and thus save away, but notably: the marine Cyrius duels a baker’s half-dozen or so of people at the same time to show off, Fulgrim (instead of accepting governor Pandion’s offer to handle the situation) jumps off a window and onto a blimp-esque flying vehicle and kills every last one of its occupants for trying to assassinate him (also he survives being poisoned a bunch of times but so does Pyke so I’m not sure if it counts), a group of four or so marines killing everyone in like IIRC an industrial-sized mining facility on an asteroid, two marines being sent to make a group of striking workers stand down who tank enough bullets with their armor for them to decide to stand in the middle of the field (while actively shot at) to discuss what to do next and zone out while composing music with the rhythmic gunfire (seriously), and just... a bunch of other stuff. A bunch of other stuff.

And yet:

The others seemed to be handling things with more aplomb. Telmar had cornered some unlucky nobleman and was being politely menacing. Quin was studying the banquet table in obvious confusion, a tiny plate clutched gingerly in his massive hands. Alkenex and Thorn mingled silently, observing rather than participating. He heard the boom of Cyrius’s laughter, and an appreciative titter from the small crowd he’d gathered about him.

And yet!:

Fulgrim pinched the bridge of his nose. A startlingly human gesture, Abdemon thought.

And! Yet!:

Each of the Emperor’s sons was different. Some were, to put it bluntly, more human than others.

So it’s not an omnipresent thing, that they’re so... grandiose and great and, and all-powerful, and superior. Primarchs — and Astartes — are just like us, sometimes. Including the whole war crimes thing. We real-life baselines do a lot of that.

(Note here: I didn’t highlight any of it, I don’t think, but Fulgrim in this novel repeatedly acts impatient, petulant and immature; he makes rash choices; Pyke at one point describes him as having “the emotions of a child, with the analytical mind of a cogitant” (probably paraphrased). Not only is ADHD Fulgrim real, but he’s also very fallible!)

And Fulgrim, to some extent, is failing to grapple with his superiority not being absolute — and he is failing to grapple with it via his sons.

All throughout the novel, Fulgrim takes a very personal stake in the eradication of the flaw that killed most of his legion. There’s this bit, give me a moment —

“It is not an outside agent, but an... an internal flaw.” He fell silent. Fulgrim studied him.

“A flaw in the candidates?” he asked finally.

Fabius said nothing. Fulgrim turned away. The Apothecary’s silence had been answer enough.

And this other bit, from I believe Abdemon’s? third person limited POV:

Their primarch had shouldered the burden of their imperfections as his own.

And to boot, Fulgrim also feels guilty about not being there earlier for his sons.

The Emperor’s Children had earned the right to bear the palatine aquila for their efforts on Proxima. Another honour earned without him.

And this one, while musing on the battles the EC had before his arrival, and how much they cost the EC:

Sometimes, he dreamed of Proxima. Of Luna, and Jupiter. Battles where a primarch might have made a difference. Where the Phoenician might have led his sons to less costly victories. But such dreams were folly, and worse. To gnaw at the past was to threaten the foundation of the future. Best to let it lie, and get on with the work ahead.

So I bolded those last two sentences. Let me explain why.

Here’s another quote to clarify something:

Fulgrim smiled sadly. “Perhaps. But the past is the foundation for all that comes after. And its effects linger, whether we see them or not.”

Why am I emphasizing this? Because Fulgrim, knowingly or not, is talking about himself here; about himself, and about his own relationship with his past.

Fulgrim, despite being hyperaware of his failures, is also an intensely proud person — but not because he’s spoiled. Far from it: he is, I would say, even downright egotistical... because he feel as he has earnt it!

Let’s talk about Chemos.

His temper had become appallingly short in the years since he’d left Chemos. Decades of disappointment had frayed it to but a thin shadow of its former self. The weight of it all sat heavy on his shoulders, and sometimes he wanted nothing more than to return to the fortress-factories of his youth.

So, Chemos was easier for you to deal with than the Imperium, wasn’t it, Fulgrim? Can you tell us more about that?

The primarch sank to one knee and reached down to help Telmar’s victim to his feet. The man stared at him with mingled fright and awe, his mouth working soundlessly. Fulgrim smiled and stood.

“I came from nothing,” he said, fixing his sons with a steady gaze. “I scrabbled in the quarry pits, and down in the deepest mines, carrying buckets on my shoulders because the ascender blew a gasket,” he said. “I broke my fingernails on raw ore, and grew blisters from heat and labour. You look down on them, blind to the beauty of their struggle. Blind to what they might become, if only someone would scrape the filth from their faces.” He reached down and lifted a child onto his shoulders. The girl laughed and clapped, unafraid of the giant, even as her mother wept.

Damn, Fulgrim, that’s... a lot to unpack. I’m mostly interested in those two sentences, though, because... well.

Fulgrim clearly had filth on his face, according to his allegory, at some point of his life. But who scraped it off? His parents?

...Nnnooo. Not really. Here’s Fulgrim on his adoptive parents!

Corrin and Tullea had been capable parents, at best. Life in the fortress-factory of Callax had broken them early, and they withered, even as he flourished.

Oh boy.

Atop each plinth was a bust. One of Corrin and one of Tullea. Plain marble, with no colour or gilt to distinguish them. Almost identical in their expressions of weary acceptance, it was hard to tell which was which at times, even for him.

OH BOY.

“You did the best you could,” he said softly, in benediction. Their imperfections had been no fault of their own.

Oh BOY OH BOY OH BOY

And here’s another quote that I really want to hear an entire novel about:

There had been similar movements on Chemos during his rise. The Callax worker protests and the harsh, often brutal responses of the executive clans. He remembered clouds of stinging gas rolling through cramped streets, and the crackle of the Caretakers’ shock-batons as they met flesh. Unconsciously, his hands curled into fists.

He felt again the dull ache of a shock-baton slapping into his palm, and the look on its wielder’s face as he crushed it. The searing sensation of gas filling his lungs and burning his eyes as he fought his way free of the press of panicked humanity. Tullea had almost died that day, and Fulgrim had lost his temper for the first time. But not the last.

All of these quotes clarify that Fulgrim, himself, was the one who scraped the metaphorical filth off his own face.

And he scraped it off all of Chemos, as well. You see it above, where he raised his parents more than his parents raised him, really, but it’s not exclusive to them.

Chemos was a drab, silent world, but where the Phoenician strode, colour and sound flourished. He was a beacon of hope...

So that’s interesting!

And here’s the end of a quote I started earlier:

...and sometimes he wanted nothing more than to return to the fortress-factories of his youth. He had been content, then, and his strivings simple. It all seemed too big, these days.

Which invokes this question: he was content, and it felt simple. It was, therefore, something he knew how to do. How did Fulgrim know how to raise himself up from the so-called filth?

Well, there’s this:

Fulgrim crossed his arms and continued to lean against the veranda. It was a pose he’d perfected on Chemos. The Executive at Ease, as an artist of his acquaintance had called it.

Noice. How does this help?

Well, here’s also this, when talking about Fulgrim’s social skills:

Fulgrim had grown to manhood among such mechanisms of influence. He recognized them instantly, and the subtle danger they could pose.

Kickass. So he was well-practiced at everything involved with “uplifting” a world, but how did he gain the aptitude for it in the first place?

...Emperor. You don’t need to tell you it’s the Emperor.

I’m sorry for the calling so far back, but do you remember what Pyke said, in that quote above about “more human than others”? I wanna go over that.

Here’s the full quote, by the way:

Each of the Emperor’s sons was different. Some were, to put it bluntly, more human than others. Fulgrim was at once both human and not. Like a statue given life, but with a purpose all of its own.

So we’ve gone over Fulgrim being human with his fallibility, and to some extent his being not with his superiority. And with Chemos, we also get a nice answer re: his purpose — to “uplift” worlds. “Save” them from “themselves”, if you will.

I’ll talk more about this idea later.

It’s also interesting that Pyke brings up the Emperor in this quote, because it lets me transition rather nicely. :) Here’s a conversation between Fulgrim and Corynth:

“I’ve never seen anyone move that fast,” Corynth said, staring at him.

“I am one of the Emperor’s sons,” Fulgrim said simply.

That’s a very fascinating justification/response, Fulgrim. Care to elaborate?

Yes, of course. Here’s Fulgrim on the Emperor, and why he thinks the Emperor is allowed to let others misunderstand him:

And why should he have to? The Emperor was perfection itself - the ideal made flesh. If Fulgrim was the phoenix, then the Emperor was the fire that bestowed renewal. The Emperor did not lower himself to meet the expectations of lesser beings. So why should his sons? Why must the phoenix prove himself to those who might otherwise be prey to his beak and talons? Why must the Illuminator explain himself to the ignorant?

That is VERY fascinating.

This basically lets us know Fulgrim isn’t just baselessly endlessly motivating himself to be superior because he likes it or whatever, but is very specifically seeking to imitate the Emperor, which actually makes a lot of his later actions super significant — Fulgrim ascending to daemonhood after the pedestal he held the Emperor upon breaks for him, for example, suddenly becomes Fulgrim becoming that “fire that bestows renewal” himself. The Phoenix becoming independent.

Here’s my thoughts on that, circa May 2020, as a note:

“...he hasn't moved on from the emperor's impossible standards; [he’s] just reached them if that makes sense. so now he's putting on the laurels (...), like he finally reached the goals his situation growing up formed him to receive...”

Death, as they say, is absolutely nothing compared to vindication.

This transitions us into the next topic: Fulgrim’s pride. It’s a thing!

Still, a crude business, warp travel. Inefficient. Imperfect. Perhaps one day, he might turn his mind to improving it. For now, Fulgrim had other, more immediate concerns.

(caption below: “??? you absolute madlad”)

“I am magnificent, but even I cannot fight a whole world on my own.” He smiled. “Though, the temptation to try is almost overwhelming, I admit.”

“I designed and constructed her myself in the armourium decks. She’s the fastest gunship in the expeditionary fleet.”

“Is that important?” Pyke asked.

Fulgrim laughed. “Only to me.”

“I am a fine dancer,” Fulgrim said. “Acclaimed for my grace and agility.” He preened slightly, and she couldn’t help but laugh.

Fulgrim is an absolute showoff. I love him.

Also — remember how Fulgrim(’s third person limited POV narration), above, called himself and his brother primarchs “demigods”? Yeah, Fulgrim has a superiority thing. Understandable, but not great LMAO.

And, clinchingly, there’s also this quote at the end of the book, a borderline closing thesis statement, that talks directly about Fulgrim’s biggest flaw and failure as a human being, which isn’t his impatience, his impetuousness, or even his general fallibility — but instead, is very specifically his tyranny, and his sense of entitlement, which is textually part and parcel of his being a conqueror (and, IMO, all his brothers share — it just manifests in a way the book specifically condemns within Fulgrim). I’m going to redact who says this; please read this novel by yourself.

“The true duel is within. The battle between desire and purpose, between what you wish and what must be. And you lost, before you even picked up your blade.”

Incensed, Fulgrim took a step towards [REDACTED].

“What do you mean?”

“You desire to prove your superiority, above all else. You provoked a war, where you could have engineered peace, simply to root out any potential threat to your authority. To prove your might. That is the nature of your tyranny. And as long as we remain, we will have no choice but to challenge you.”

Remember what I said about how Fulgrim’s “purpose”, as designated by himself and the Emperor, is to “uplift” worlds, to “save” them from themselves?

YEAH PALATINE PHOENIX IS GOING THERE.

Another fun fact: the world’s chancellor, Corynth, turns out to be quite an idealistic (read: decent) man, re: what’s best for Byzas, and while I didn’t highlight this for later (I will someday reread this book, I swear), I went back in to check a thing and Fulgrim has a few lines (more than a few if memory serves) where he calls him a dumbass optimist. For having objections to Fulgrim’s actions.

Oh, another note about Corynth: Fulgrim repeatedly promises to him that he’ll stay in Byzas to “uplift” it, lying to Corynth’s very face. Classy guy.

Okay, so to transition to the next thing, I’m gonna drop a quote from earlier in the book, but before that, I’m gonna clarify that I think it doesn’t supersede that final assessment from [REDACTED].

Fulgrim was arrogant, but it was an assumed arrogance. It was a mask he wore, a part he played. Soon enough, it might become the real thing. For now, it was simply another piece of armour. A way to protect himself from a galaxy all too quick to take advantage of his flaws.

I have multiple reasons to believe this doesn’t supersede [REDACTED] being right:

“Soon enough, it might become the real thing.”

Fulgrim has an entire running theme across his books (created somewhat accidentally, but nonetheless) about the idea of playing a part until you become/embody said part. Faking it ‘til you’re making it, if you will. (Examples: the daemon possessing him until it turns out it’s him in there, him pretending to be still possessed but not changing to not admit he’s been possessed and thus becoming indistinguishable from said daemon... shit, even the whole ‘lying about the Angel Exterminatus’ thing fits). It’s actually kind of a Slaanesh-related theme — see the Harlequin Solitaires, for example. It makes sense, too, since they’re all about creativity, and this is functionally theatre. Makes the Harlequins a lot more ballsy, and makes it a lot more thematically appropiate that Cegorach survived.

And also, most crucially... well. Okay. Here’s something I wrote once, when, before I read this novel, I tried to give my take on what Fulgrim’s character is like — because it’s the clearest I can articulate my thoughts on this subject:

“I think Fulgrim’s deal, pre-Laer, is that he cares a lot about appearances. (I don’t mean this in a “he wants to look aesthetically pretty” way, but in a “he cares about being someone others have to look up to, and affronts to that affect him personally”).

And it is partially because he finds pleasure in being superior to others[...]. And Fulgrim caring a lot about appearances is also partially born out of finding pleasure in looking good, in multiple ways, i.e. appearing both aesthetically pleasing and also coming out of most situations the victor/always having the last word (though, who doesn’t?). And it is also, partially, because Fulgrim, who’s smart as hell, knows that appearances have an important, material beneficial aspect to them, though perhaps he overestimates their importance — and the reason why he overestimates their importance is what I’m getting at, so please be patient.

But: I think it’s also partially because Fulgrim depends on these appearances to validate his own [standards of himself, and] beliefs about perfection, which are basically, like, stilts on the house of his self-esteem to avoid it falling into the dark sea of having to actually confront all his goddamn trauma. [...] He didn’t stop defining himself through being a big fish in a tiny pond[, as he did in Chemos,] when he jumped into the “bigger pond” of the Imperium at large[...]. And that’s because Fulgrim depends on defining himself as superior [(through superior achievement)] because to admit otherwise would be to admit his past was traumatic and that it hurt him, which he’s scared to do because it’d mean he isn’t actually [transhumanly] superior (with “superior”, here, in Fulgrim’s personal definition, conflating his superhuman abilities with an imaginary invulnerability to trauma).”

I am absolutely going to go to hell for woobifying this evil, evil man, and I will accept it and be catholicly ashamed of it as I should.

Fulgrim’s fatal flaw is inexcusable, and makes him cause inexcusable amounts of pain and destruction, and it is also born out of a specific situation: the past. His past, which even he says “is the foundation for all that comes after. And its effects linger, whether we see them or not.” And I truly don’t believe he, himself, sees what I point out above. I don’t think it’s conscious at all.

Because the thing is, Fulgrim doesn’t realize that his pride, which unlike his brothers’ he developed even pre-Emperor due to the traumatic things he endured on Chemos — he doesn’t realize it can be broken. He thinks he’s invincible. Hubris!

...Okay, Fulgrim has nuance. What does this have to do with anything?

Well, it’s a really nice finisher to what I put up above about Chemos, and it also lets me transition into the last big topic that I want to tackle in this essay.

Let’s talk, first, about our last small topic: Ferrus Manus. Because he’s actually talked about significantly, in this novel!

Fireblade is mentioned multiple times, of course, and it’s also mentioned multiple times as a blade “made with a brother’s love”, which is so sweet. I love these two siblings so much, man.

Let’s see how Ferrus is characterized in this story. Here’s a neat description of Fireblade:

Fireblade, like all good weapons, had a mind of its own. There was something of its maker in it - a filament of anger, ever pulsing, waiting to be unsheathed and set into motion. The artist and the art were often inseparable, and there was always something of the one in the other, regardless of intent.

Sidenote here before we talk about Ferrus more: this sentence also gives more weight to Fulgrim, the McNeill novel. In it, Fulgrim keeps sculpting things which are uncanny — they’re so perfect that they become unsightly and disturbing. Think about that with the context of the above, babes.

Here’s a continuation of that quote:

He laughed to himself, remembering Ferrus’s look of incomprehension when he’d tried to explain it. His silver-limbed brother had an instinctive grasp of machinery, from the most primitive clockwork to the most advanced cogitating systems. But art was beyond him. Or so he claimed. Fulgrim suspected that Ferrus Manus’s creativity ran deeper than he thought.

Fulgrim clearly thinks highly of Ferrus, given the above. And it’s not for naught, because, well — there’s this one, uhm.

This is spoilers, just for this next quote and what it implies?

But there’s a bit in this novel where Fulgrim actually defuses a nuke. And this is what he says while disarming it—

“Ferrus, brother, I need your wisdom now,” he muttered.

And okay, so. It’s kind of obvious why Fulgrim would plead for Ferrus’s knowledge of mechanics in this situation, right. I mean, not sure how that’s going to help him, since Ferrus isn’t here, but—

The mechanism was ancient, and far more complex than any of the ones he’d dismantled in Ferrus’s workshop, under his brother’s watchful gaze. Those hadn’t been humming quite so threateningly either.

...FERRUS TAUGHT FULGRIM TO DISARM NUKES.

And, okay, one more lore bit before we finish. Because on the topic of Ferrus, I’d like to bring up a thought of mine about him?

I think Ferrus and Fulgrim are two siblings facing a very similar problem: they both want to be the very best, like no one ever was. But the way they approach it is entirely different.

Here’s the lore I wanted to bring up. In this novel, in the scene where we meet the busts of his parents, Fulgrim thinks about the Sulpha, a group of people he, uh… well, during his conquest of Chemos, even before the Emperor came to him, he lived among them for some time; but they refused to join those in the fortress-factories as one nation, as they had ever right to do, and so Fulgrim kind of obliterated their culture, and it’s implied killed a shit ton of them. The way he talks about them is also… absolutely Warhammer-standard god-awful, too. Yeah.

This is nothing new at this point, but every time I learn a new horrible awful thing he’s done I still feel a little disappointed.

Anyway, I didn’t highlight much about them, but there is something I did highlight for later: a sentence Fulgrim says while thinking about the Sulpha’s philosophy.

For them, imperfection was somehow turned into strength.

And, okay. Here’s how I describe the differences between Ferrus and Fulgrim’s philosophies re: perfection:

“Ferrus Manus and Fulgrim shared a common desire, as I mentioned above: constant self-improvement. But where Fulgrim fruitlessly chased an ideal of perfection, a state where he wouldn’t have to improve himself anymore, Ferrus Manus, as I gather it, understood that self-improvement is a constant effort. All things are flawed, and from flaws, we can regain strength; both of these brothers believed in excising your flaws, but Fulgrim saw flaws as something to cast aside and forget, a barrier through which to pass to achieve perfection, while Ferrus saw the same flaws as the very source of one’s strength, and thus something that, while not desired, still deserved a minimal form of respect. Think of it as seeing the flaw as a locked door vs. seeing it as a patch of land without plants, if you will.

This difference in ideologies meant something very important: Ferrus Manus was, to put it bluntly, moderately mentally stable, in his own way (setting aside his penchant for wearing his emotions — particularly his moodier Moods — on his sleeve). Fulgrim, despite externally appearing more serene and stable, was in fact the more fragile of the two. This is because, if a setback occurred, Ferrus did not take it as the end of the world, but merely as a further challenge; meanwhile, in the same circumstances, Fulgrim would feel personally offended[...].”

And there’s also this thing — okay. Again, forgot to note this, but it’s what [REDACTED] is talking about when talking about the whole “inner duel” thing: there is a school of philosophy in Byzas which combines swordplay with inner reflection, and Fulgrim studies it, briefly. He doesn’t come out of it with any lessons, except in swordplay. And I, again, failed to highlight this for later, but in that very same scene, [REDACTED] also tells Fulgrim that he failed. He failed because he learnt nothing from that school of philosophy, he learnt nothing of the inner duel, of the difference between what one wants and what one should have, between dream and concrete goal, between desire and settlement, between hunger and acceptance, between fantasy and reality, even, and for that, he will fail. [REDACTED], in general, whips ass and is right about everything.

(An interesting — and spoilery — note: just a few scenes earlier, another character who’s revolted against Fulgrim’s tyranny says he’d “rather die than see” the future the Imperium will bring to Byzas. He does indeed get his wish. It’s fucking badass and he’s right). (Why do I bring this up now? Read the novel to know!)

And this is. Okay.

I’m close to ending this essay, because all of this comes to one point, one point which is sort of the very point of this novel and the reason I enjoyed it so much, and the reason I wrote down all of this? So let me just roll one final quote, from Fulgrim, circa the end of the book:

“I am rarely what people think I should be. Instead, I am what I must be. Such is the Phoenix’s nature.”

This novel’s entire purpose is to write Fulgrim with the depths the lore implies, but other novels — and fans — deny him.

And it succeeds completely, beyond my wildest dreams.

Fulgrim, thanks to the removal of Slaanesh from the picture near-totally and an author whom I’d love to buy a newly-legal beer, is characterized through the thing that’s the least often considered when others write him: the bonds he shares with others, how he he learns from them, what he fails to learn from them, and what he teaches them. He learns pride and cruelty and superiority from Chemos and the Imperium, he learns ability and competition and fraternity from Ferrus Manus, he learns regret and fear and insecurity from his sons, and he rejects that last knowledge and seeks to repress it. He fails to learn acceptance of one’s limits and embracing of flaws and acceptance of oneself for who one is (as at least an unskippable step towards self improvement) from the Sulpha and Ferrus, he fails to learn moderation and kindness and humility from Byzas’ people, and he fails to learn anything at all from this novel, instead merely setting in stone his pride; and he only ever teaches his sons, and Byzas, and everyone around him, that power is cruelty, and all saviors are corrupt.

Please read Palatine Phoenix.

#wh40k #warhammer 40k #horus heresy #fulgrim #warhammer 40.000 #warhammer 40000 #warhammer 40 000 #emperor's children #primarchs #primarch #fuck you it gets all the tags.#i worked very hard on this.#analysis #*fulgrim

67 notes · View notes

thisweekingundamwing · 3 years ago

Text

This Week in Gundam Wing 23-29 May 2021

I’m so on the ball with this lately... >_> Sorry. Here’s this week’s roundup! May 23rd - 29th!

Remember to give your content creators some love! Be sure to join in on the events at the bottom! And remember to send in any new works you see or make next week!

~Mod Hel

Fanfiction/Snippets/AU Ideas:

@bobo-is-tha-bomb

The Preventer Calendar https://archiveofourown.org/works/31561295

Gen, Reader, Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, Chang Wufei, Zechs Merquise, OC - Character

Mature, No Archive Warnings Apply, Humor, Partial Nudity, Reader-Insert, Nudity, A teeny hint of TrowaxReader, Rating because of some gratuitous nudity on Trowa's side

Twelve models, twelve shoots, twelve different locations in the Ardennes, and all of it in two fucking days. Because Preventer couldn’t spare you their agents any longer than that.

Why had you agreed to do this project again?

It's all for the arts.

boxofhatebrains

Helping Hand https://archiveofourown.org/works/31620146

M/M, Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy

Explicit, No Archive Warnings Apply, Light Angst, Comfort/Angst, Minor Injuries, Implied/Referenced Blow Jobs, Not Gundam Wing: Frozen Teardrop Compliant, after series, Flirting, Not Beta Read, slight reference to Episode Zero, Swearing

Duo realizes that Heero comes around whenever he damn well feels like it. They’ve been in contact for the last seven years after the Mariemaia incident, but generally at Heero’s own whim. Duo stays in the same place, it’s Heero who gravitates.

This time is no different.

@duointherain

Silent Menace https://duointherain.tumblr.com/post/652120818915115009/fic-silent-menace-11

1x2x1

Warnings: Mute Duo. Drugged and injured Heero.

Une always had the dark side of the job. She’d let others give out goodness, but bad news she owned herself. Duo had come to the conclusion that she was trying to take responsibility, trying to be a decent person. He could vibe with that.

@lifeaftermeteor

Touched by the Stars (Ch. 7) https://archiveofourown.org/works/26314657/chapters/77885468

M/M, Chang Wufei/Duo Maxwell, Chang Wufei/Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton/Chang Wufei, Chang Wufei/Quatre Raberba Winner

Explicit, Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings, thar be porn, Dubious Consent, Aliens, Alien Abduction, Alternate Universe, mention of MPREG, everyone takes a turn with Wufei, alien anatomy and interesting dicks, Tentacles, Monster Boys, Slime, Double Cocks, Cum Inflation, Knotting, Oral, multiple dicks, Xeno, Spitroasting, Oviposition, Body Modification, Polyamory, Unbirthing, Triple Penetration, Cervical Penetration

University instructor Chang Wufei didn't even believe in aliens, much less intentionally attract their attention. But that doesn't mean much when they decided he'd be the ideal final mate for their group and scoop him off of the planet to take home to their queen. Enjoying him on the trip there, of course.

@noirangetrois

Of the Sea (Ch. 10) https://archiveofourown.org/works/12749670/chapters/78205124

M/M, Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy

Mature, No Archive Warnings Apply, fairytale my way, Meroctopus!Dorothy, Slow Burn, Multi POV, POV Third Person Limited, merman au, MerMay, Fantasy Politics, mentions of abuse, Unnatural November

Heero Yuy will soon be reaching the age of majority, at which time he will ascend the throne of Wingaria. Before such time, he must needs choose a bride. But what if there are no good choices? What if someone else has captured his heart?

The Story of Wrong (Ch. 8) https://archiveofourown.org/works/13849020/chapters/77856332

M/M, Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy

Explicit, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Duo POV, Angst, Drama, Tragedy, Spoilers, very dark, Heero and Duo don’t die, I promise, Yaoi, slowburn, Mental Instability, Mental Health Issues, Mental Breakdown, If those are in any way an issue for you then go ahead and skip this, Eventual Smut, VERY eventual, this is mostly canon-compliant but I’ve changed a couple things here and there

Duo recounts his experiences during the war in order to explain… well, why he was wrong.

simulacraryn

love me like (tomorrow we’re) stardust https://archiveofourown.org/works/31458119/chapters/77811359

M/F, Treize Khushrenada/Lady Une

Treize Khushrenada, Lady Une, Original Characters, Hot Dog (gundam wing)

Explicit, Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Angst, Near Death Experiences, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, unredeemable villain, Sex, Smut, consent is fucking sexy, Spoiler: He wore the Astro Suit at last!, Newtypes (Gundam Wing), no predators or prey here, intact brains

The World Nation would face off against the White Fang to bring about an end to all conflict between the Colonies and Earth. The plan had called for the bitter end of the last bastion of the old regime, Treize Khushrenada. However, as with every play on the stage of war, the actors have chosen to adlib. Effectively throwing the course of history off the rails, the director finds himself faced with a new road to choose.

@zaganthi

Jiu Jie https://archiveofourown.org/works/31413956

M/M, M/F, Duo Maxwell/Quatre Raberba Winner; Treize Khushrenada/Quatre Raberba Winner; Treize Khushrenada/Duo Maxwell; Duo Maxwell/Hilde Schbeiker

Explicit, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Relationship Negotiation; Polyamorous Character; Quatre Raberba’s Uchuu no Kokoro | Space Heart; Aged-Up Character(s); Newtypes (Gundam Wing); Past Relationship(s); Jealousy; Awkward Flirting; Bathing/Washing; Cuddling & Snuggling; Museums; talking about feelings; Psychic Bond; Dealing with exes; Ex Sex; Colonists exploring earth

Hilde waved goodbye as she left and Duo went to look for Treize and Quatre. What the hell was wrong with him. His body seemed to be saying yes but his mind was definitely not in that space at all. What the everlasting hell was going on. He wanted to see her again but why?

Treize passed him a picture of tree frogs, apparently feeling the confusion as Duo half jogged through the aquarium to catch back up. What the hell. Just what the hell.

It took him a while to get there, but the moment he got close, Quatre saw him, beamed a happy smile and the link opened up with a rush and he was surrounded again in emotional warmth. It was addictive and a relief, and there wasn’t, there wasn’t any recrimination from either of them. Just run off and see an old flame, it’s cool, we’ll be here when you get back vibes.

Lebensmüde https://archiveofourown.org/works/31413278

M/M, Duo Maxwell/Quatre Raberba Winner; Treize Khushrenada/Quatre Raberba Winner; Treize Khushrenada/Duo Maxwell

Explicit, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Aged-Up Character(s); Quatre Raberba’s Uchuu no Kokoro | Space Heart; Newtypes (Gundam Wing); Preventers (Gundam Wing); Cameos; Therapy; Aftermath of Torture; Aftermath of Violence; Rape Aftermath; Physical Disability; Gratuitous Smut; Psychic Bond; Psychic Abilities; Domestic; Injury Recovery

Treize remembered the discussion of gunpowder residue on his head; it was one of the things John had been livid about after everything, and unable to explain any more than Treize had at the time. Seeing it written down… was something else. Treize closed the book over his finger, gently tapping it on his thigh as he looked up at Quatre.

“The first hot chocolate of the season,” Quatre said sitting down next to him, comfort flowing over the link. “I really wanted something sweet.” He paused. “I can feel something is…oh.” He noticed the book in Treize’s hand.

“Adding to the list of things we need to probably talk about,” he said quietly, contemplating it as he reached with his other hand to take the cocoa. “Have you written everything up?”

Fanart/Crafts/Photo Manips:

@2pcbart

https://archiveofourown.org/works/31618103

Recollect - Trowa/WuFei, comic style

@alphaikaros

https://alphaikaros.tumblr.com/post/651358650733150208/little-angry-boi

WuFei Chang, fanart

@bettertasting

https://bettertasting.tumblr.com/post/652303436314017792/something-spicy-for-the-dash-im-really-digging

Heero/Duo, fanart, nsfw

@bobo-is-tha-bomb

https://bobo-is-tha-bomb.tumblr.com/post/652089738925359104/%F0%9D%98%9B%F0%9D%98%A9%F0%9D%98%AA%F0%9D%98%B4-%F0%9D%98%AA%F0%9D%98%B4-%F0%9D%98%97%F0%9D%98%B3%F0%9D%98%A6%F0%9D%98%B7%F0%9D%98%A6%F0%9D%98%AF%F0%9D%98%B5%F0%9D%98%A6%F0%9D%98%B3-%F0%9D%98%9E%F0%9D%98%AA%F0%9D%98%AF%F0%9D%98%A5-%F0%9D%98%A4%F0%9D%98%A2%F0%9D%98%AD%F0%9D%98%AD%F0%9D%98%AA%F0%9D%98%AF%F0%9D%98%A8-zechs-merquise

Tallgeese, gunpla

https://bobo-is-tha-bomb.tumblr.com/post/652448694036316160/sd-wing-gundam-ew

Wing, gunpla

@judaru

https://judaru.tumblr.com/post/651257960922857472/im-20-years-late-but-ive-been-reading-a-lot-of

Duo Maxwell, fanart

@keiko1183

https://keiko1183.tumblr.com/post/652327422940807168/completed-with-pencils-might-be-doing-the-acrylics

Trowa/Quatre, fanart

@not-so-dead-fandoms

https://not-so-dead-fandoms.tumblr.com/post/651085636504272896/mermay-01

Heero Yuy, fanart

https://not-so-dead-fandoms.tumblr.com/post/651494132071661568/mermay-02-duo-as-a-betta-fish-merlad

Duo Maxwell, fanart

https://not-so-dead-fandoms.tumblr.com/post/652283083819810816/mermay-03-of-course-i-made-trowa-a-clownfish

Trowa Barton, fanart

@pineappleglazedham

https://pineappleglazedham.tumblr.com/post/651759824584966144

Trieze/Une, fanart, fanfiction, playlist

Photosets/Gifsets/Screenshots/Manga Pages:

@clair-audients

https://clair-audients.tumblr.com/post/652114120696594432

Wing & Altron, gif

@disturbed02girl

https://disturbed02girl.tumblr.com/post/617456995130294273/thoughtful-quatre-thursday

Quatre, manga page

@meggie-stardust

https://meggie-stardust.tumblr.com/post/652350439669547008/same-energy

Epyon is an icon.

Fandom Discourse:

@bobo-is-tha-bomb

https://bobo-is-tha-bomb.tumblr.com/post/651423437954433024/a-homage-to-the-reader-insert

Reader Insert Homage

@cuteciboulette

https://cuteciboulette.tumblr.com/post/652076342033170432/shinigamis-coming-to-town-d-duo-just

Duo Maxwell, doujinshi

Quotes:

@incorrectgundamwingquotes

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/652102805897805825/in-the-groupchat-trowa-why-tf-do-we-have-20

Trowa & WuFei

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/652356366558806016/heero-yeah-but-as-far-as-plans-go-this-is-not-a

Heero & Quatre

https://incorrectgundamwingquotes.tumblr.com/post/651830976331251712/duo-gesturing-to-heero-dont-worry-weve-got-an

Duo, Heero, & WuFei

Calendar Events:

@gundamzine

Rhythm Generation 2021

Meet the Mods: https://gundamzine.tumblr.com/post/636708854145613824/come-on-over-a-meet-your-2021-zine-mod-team-head

Check out the blog for the Zine schedule!

@gundam-wing-pride

Gundam Wing Pride 2k21 https://gundam-wing-pride.tumblr.com/post/648237909672083456/incoming-transmission-faq

A Beautiful Rainbow of Prompts https://gundam-wing-pride.tumblr.com/post/649898271517573120/a-beautiful-rainbow-of-prompts

@gwartserver

Month of WuFei https://gwartserver.tumblr.com/post/649995521569767424/month-of-wufei

Shooting Stars (online convention) https://gwartserver.tumblr.com/post/650013463432888320/once-upon-a-time-lifeaftermeteor-and-myself

@gwcocktailfriday

Cocktail Fridays!

Post responses on Friday, during Happy Hour between 3 & 5 pm in your own timezone.

Here’s the prompt for Friday, !

In need of Summer/Fall(Autumn) prompts!

(I’ll um... fix these when I have time to find more prompts.)

@gwlemonyshenanigans

May 23rd’s Submissions https://gwlemonyshenanigans.tumblr.com/post/651999227800600576/may-23rd-submission

May 24th’s Submissions https://gwlemonyshenanigans.tumblr.com/post/652131130827571200/may-24th-submissions

May 25th’s Submissions https://gwlemonyshenanigans.tumblr.com/post/652252350922342400/may-25th-submissions

May 26th’s Submissions https://gwlemonyshenanigans.tumblr.com/post/652312096032342016/may-26th-submissions

May 27th’s Submissions https://gwlemonyshenanigans.tumblr.com/post/652433653693136896/may-27th-submissions

May 28th’s Submissions https://gwlemonyshenanigans.tumblr.com/post/652434486286548992/may-28th-submission

May 29th’s Submissions https://gwlemonyshenanigans.tumblr.com/post/652648408588353536/may-29th-submissions

Friday Spotlight! https://gwlemonyshenanigans.tumblr.com/post/652439213602684928/the-lastspotlight-friday

@oztober-rust

Welcome to Oztober Rust

We’re an up and coming Gundam Wing event with a slight twist! This page is still a work in progress, but you’re welcome to join us over on discord and get a feel for the event.

Have discord, will fan. https://oztober-rust.tumblr.com/post/647568110262566912/i-see-a-nice-and-steady-following-we-do-have-a

@seasons-of-gundamwing

Summer Event Voting https://seasons-of-gundamwing.tumblr.com/post/646220556727877633/seasons-of-gundamwing-okay-wingers-its-time-to

@thisweekingundamevents

Events Calendar https://thisweekingundamevents.tumblr.com/post/644080386309275648/events-calendar-update

If you are hosting an event currently, or are planning on one, hit us up with links and dates! We’ll add them to the Calendar and reblog your notices to get the word out!

#Gundam Wing #This Week in Gundam Wing #Weekly Roundup #23-29 May 2021 #(it's late again... but not as late as my last one)

18 notes · View notes

gokubrain · 3 years ago

Note

Hi! What is Age 801 about (was it a DBS thing? I kinda refuse to watch DBS and have only read the Trunks/Goku Black arc, Moro arc, and [now] Granola arc)? Also, can we get some more canonically gay moments with Goku and Vegeta, please? Preferably DBZ and screenshots are a bonus. :-D Thanks! XOXOXO

HII buckle in this is a long one LOL

Age 801:

for starters, i've talked briefly abt age 801 on my twitter before but i'd be glad to talk about it here too HAHA

though i haven't actually played this first hand so i won't go into too much detail in fear of giving wrong information. BUT BASICALLY there was this game called Dragon Ball Online, which "was a massive multiplayer online role-playing game being developed in Japan and South Korea by NTL, set in the Dragon Ball universe." again i didnt play it but from what i understand it takes place 200 ish years after the end of the buu arc in dbz.

age 801 is the year of goku's death, but it goes deeper than that LOL

APPARENTLY as goku realized his time to die was approaching, he reached out to vegeta, and the two of them LEFT EARTH WITHOUT A WORD and traveled to a far away planet in the middle of no where to have one final battle where they both went out in a blaze of glory. i don't remember where i heard this but apparently their death battle caused a supernova that was seen from earth years later

guys?? if that's not the most fucking homoerotic and romantic thing you have ever heard than ur a liar HAHAHDFJH

ALSO THIS STORYLINE WAS APPROVED BY TORIYAMA WHICH IS ABOUT AS CLOSE TO CANON AS ANYTHING LIKE THIS IS EVER GONNA GET SO. personally i'm considering this the locked in, canonical ending for them because it's just SO perfect.

this idea that goku wanted to provide a sense of closure regarding their rivalry,, the fact that vegeta was just on board with dying like this before his time simply because he didn't want to live without goku,,, GOKU KNOWING THIS AS TRUE AND EVEN DECIDING THAT HE WANTED TO DIE ALONGSIDE VEGETA IN THE FIRST PLACE... OH THANK YOU DRAGON BALL ONLINE THANK YOU SO MUCH <3

i desperately wish i had more info on this to tell you, but i never played the game and the wiki is painfully short so !! like i wonder how long they were traveling before they found a planet far enough away,, if it took years to see the supernova then they must have been traveling for a very very long time. ALSO A SUPERNOVA??? HOW FUCKING SEXY IS THAT LOL, I LOVE SPACE/STAR IMAGERY IN TERMS OF KAKAVEGE (COUGH YOU ARE THE SUN AND I AM JUST THE PLANETS SPINNING AROUND YOU COUGH COUGH) to think that their simultaneous deaths erupted in a supernova...... god it jsut warms my heart so much THANK YOU dragon ball online

Kakavege Canon Stuff:

and nice timing, i was just looking for someone to talk with about this particular scene LOL

i'm rewatching dbz rn and i'm really obsessed with this one little filler arc that happens immediately after the saiyan arc. vegeta's on his way to some freeza planet to heal up, and goku's hospitalized. it's not very much content bc it's actually just a little side-thing that's shown while the Real filler is happening but i still love it regardless

i'm soo obsessed with this cinematic parallel here LOL i love that they're both healing from this battle at the same time but theyre also both thinking about what happened like. a LOT lol, pretty much any time either of them are on screen they're thinking about the fight that just happened HAHA

vegeta is literally floating in a healing pod dreaming about the fight whispering "kakarot" over and over?? and goku keeps sneaking out of the hospital to train for when vegeta comes back??

it's so cute LOL goku keeps like. getting out of bed and trying to train for when vegeta gets back and they're all like dude,,, ur seriously injured pls just stay in bed LOL

ITS HARD TO TELL BUT HE'S DOING SIT UPS HERE LOL

even outside of kakavege i think this is so fucking cute LOL HE'S LIKE "GUYYYSSS I'M FINE JUST LET ME TRAIN" AND THEYRE LIKE GOKU LMFAOFJDSJKFH YOURE IN A FULL BODY CAST....

but this concept that he's pushing himself wayyyy past his limits because he's so excited to fight vegeta again is just so precious wahhhh

ALSO THERES THIS ONE REALLY GOOD SCENE WHERE IT SHOWS VEGETA THINKING ABOUT GOKU AND THEN IT CUTS TO GOKU RANDOMLY PUNCHING THE AIR AND EVERYONE IS LIKE "GOKU?? WTF" AND HE'S LIKE "LOL SORRY I GOT EXCITED"AHAHKJFDSHA IM ABSOLUTELY OBSESSED WITH THE LIKE. PARALLELS BETWEEN THEM WHERE THEYRE JUST BOTH THINKING ABOUT EACH OTHER AT THE SAME TIME ITS SO CUTE

i cant show it very well in screenshots but trust me the scene transition from vegeta talking abt the fight to goku just punching the air?? is so cute

if u wanna see it for urself i'll link it here, timestamp is 9:49

idk i just love it a lot LOL I KNOW ITS KINDA SMALL AND SEEMS LIKE IM REALLY GRASPING HERE BUT,, IDK I MEAN. the way the show sets it up so that's its like. vegeta in a healing pod saying "kakarot" (and NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS IN THE SCENE BTW HE'S JUST LIKE. "KAKAROT,,," AND THEN IT TRANSITIONS AHHA FDJH) and then immediately cuts to goku trying to sneak out of the hospital to train for vegeta's return (or smth similar)?? like the show is obviously trying to set up this parallel here between them and like. idk whether this is intentional or not but it DOES come off pretty gay imo LMAODJFJH

AND LIKE. OKAY i know vegeta's excuse is revenge and i know goku's excuse is wanting to protect earth when vegeta returns but,,, u also have to remember that goku LET VEGETA GO FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF SEEING HIM AGAIN LOL SO LIKE. basically this whole scene is goku being like "omg i'm too excited i can't just sit here in the hospital?? i have to train i have to be ready for him" LOL

this entire little filler is just so... like idk i feel like. during the fight they both had some wild thoughts and emotions flying around that they couldn't really sit down and piece together at that time (because.... they were amidst a life or death battle LOL) but this downtime is really important, like the seed has been planted and now they're both gonna spend time sitting here stewing and thinking about each other?? like this is IT, this is the first of many, many times that they'll be thinking about one another. this is how feelings start blooming hehe

one more thing, there's this scene where goku sneaks out of the hospital successfully and goes to train in the middle of nowhere but he overexerts himself terribly and falls, and as he's about to fall to his death he starts thinking about vegeta LOL

THIS HAPPENS A LOT BUT WHENEVER GOKU IS ABOUT TO DIE HE HAS A HABIT OF USING VEGETA AS LIKE. AN ANCHOR TO KEEP HIMSELF ALIVE AND PUSH FORWARD LOL

LIKE THIS INFAMOUS SCENE FROM MUCH LATER ON:

GOKU'S ON THE EDGE OF GETTING HIS ASS ABSOLUTELY KICKED AND HE STARTS HALLUCINATING ABOUT VEGETA?/AHGHADHFJJSDHGF

OKAY REWIND PLEASE I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS SCENE.

OKAY,,, LIKE. OKAY. OBVIOUSLY, WHY IS HE NAKED. OBVIOUSLY. GOKU?? HELLO????

BUT THIS JUST FUCKING PROVESHAHSDH GOKU USES VEGETA AS LIKE. A SOURCE OF COMFORT WHEN HIS BACK IS AGAINST A WALL!! HE USES VEGETA TO PUSH HIMSELF JUST AS MUCH AS VEGETA USES GOKU TO PUSH HIMSELF !! THEY'RE LITERALLY SO FDHSGJHKBDG

I COULD TALK ALL DAY ABOUT THE SCENE WHERE VEGETA GETS ALL VULNERABLE BEFORE DYING AND BEGS GOKU TO KILL FREEZA AND THEN GOKU BURIES HIM BECAUSE IT MAKES ME SO SO EMOTIONAL BUT I HAVE TO STOP HERE LOL i'm losing my mind

#sorry bestie my brain is mush this post took like 2 hours to make LMFAODJHFJH #WHICH IS MY OWN FAULT BUT #'say the line bart' - sorry its incoherent #and messy #i just needed to ramble LOL I HOPE I MADE SENSE #anyway #kakavege #answered

12 notes · View notes

gingus-doon · 4 years ago

Text

What if Keiji wasn't the Keiji we know before the first trial?

Okay, hear me out. What if Keiji wasn't as logical and cold hearted as he is in the game until his first trial? What if Megumi's death was what pushed him over the edge and onto that path?

—

I'm going to be talking about Shin a lot in this hypothetical, because they're the foil characters of the century lol.

If we compare Keiji's first trial to Shin's in the sense of this assumption (that the first trial made him the Keiji we ally with in the game) this might all make a little more sense.

First off, their trials could both be designed to shape them into a certain type of person. Shin's was to mold him into an antagonist reminiscent of Sou Hiyori (maybe to fill his absence?) while Keiji's could then be to make him a firmly logical figure in the death game.

If Keiji was less logical before the death game, still traumatized, but teetering between full-fledged, coldhearted logic and taking another shot at a more hopeful, emotional way of being, that would mirror Shin's previous state of being stuck between choosing trust and distrust of others in the vulnerable emotional state of recovering from recent abuse.

They would then both have been in vulnerable states due to trauma, and have had the first trial make that choice of what paths they should take for them. Shin's trauma stems from being weak, so for him, that would mean embracing his lack of trust in others to protect himself. For Keiji, his trauma stems from failing to live up to his moral ideals of what a policeman should be and instead killing someone innocent, so this trial would reinforce the belief that he really is just a cold-blooded murderer, prompting him to embrace this role during the death game.

Just as Shin's choice was between continuing to be Shin Tsukimi and living, Keiji's was a cruel and forced confrontation of his trauma as well. Letting Megumi live would be forgiving her for her corruption and the part she played in traumatizing him, while letting her die could finally be the thing that lets Keiji move on from his past. He didn't have the time to think about the choice between forgiveness or resentment, and his inaction made the choice for him. Instead of catharsis, though, it only solidifies his guilty thoughts about himself and makes him infinitely colder.

Keiji and Shin already parallel each other in a lot of ways– even now, their first trials alone draw some comparisons. How Shin actively (and metaphorically) killed 'Shin Tsukimi' while Keiji literally (and inactively) killed someone, how Shin dramatically and emotionally (that emotion being Paranoia) wields his distrust while Keiji protects himself by more subtle and logical means. And if the white room does turn out to be the room in which Keiji and Megumi's first trial took place in, then Shin and Keiji have a yin and yang colour contrast going on as well.

To break this down even further:

Before trauma → After trauma, before the death game → During the death game, specifically after the first trial

Trusting in others, maybe even naïve → Unsure of whether to trust others, doubtful of their intentions as a result of abuse → Does not trust others for shit, especially not those he perceives as stronger than him

Idealistic about the police, wants to follow in Mr. Policeman's footsteps and protect people → This new cynicism towards the police and people in positions of power and his failure to be different than them by shooting an innocent man makes him uncertain of himself → He lets himself shift from protector to willing to sacrifice others for his own safety completely

SO BASICALLY WHAT I'M SAYING IS, the middle step may have been different for Keiji than what I previously thought. Maybe he wouldn't be willing to do all the horrible, selfish things he did in the death game if it wasn't for Asunaro making that his first trial. (And sorry about that, I just wanted to make a flowchart lol.)

So perhaps the final parallel this assumption would present between Keiji and Shin is that while Shin's trial pushes him to drown his distrust of others, Keiji's pushes him to drown in his distrust of himself.

I really think that people forget sometimes that Keiji didn't necessarily want to murder Megumi. Not to pretend that what he did was okay, but had his trial been “press this button to kill your partner,” he may have not done it. He's obviously very unsure about his decision afterwards. He laughs and falls to his knees after she dies, which does not seem like the most calculating, malicious, and sane response to me. If it was just the laughing, maybe. But there's also this:

I find these screenshots very interesting, not only because they prove that Keiji didn't murder Megumi in cold-blood and is distraught over her death, but also because they draw another parallel between Shin and Keiji; Shin is very certain that others are not to be trusted. Delusionally certain to the point where he views a highschooler as the second most dangerous person on the planet and thinks it's okay to make her life harder because she's definitely trying to kill him and every other vulnerable person! While Keiji… Keiji is so painfully unsure of himself. He's unsure of himself to the point that this is his reaction to Megumi's death, despite him choosing to do that. He rationalizes everything in a desperate attempt to bury his emotions and make what he's doing okay. Shin trusts his thought process way too much and Keiji literally states that he has not been able to trust himself since the shooting.

Another small detail to maybe back this up is the above screenshot. This isn't much, but Sara said Keiji seemed “different somehow.” Perhaps a little less creepy? A little less untrustworthy? A little less willing to flirt, lie, or kill to save his own skin? There's not much insight to be brought by Keiji's AI since Sara didn't have time to talk to him here and it's impossible to talk to him through his me-tokens, but I feel this is significant. We don't know when the AI's are from, specifically– it could be just before the death game, or a couple of years before. Presumably, Keiji back then looked the same as Keiji now, but he may have been less ruthless than our Keiji, since generally, the AI's do seem to be somewhat behind.

There are still a few questions around this theory (if you can call it that), though– namely, why? Why would Asunaro want to make Keiji more logical? Didn't he fit the role of Sara's ally well enough without the extra trauma? To set up Keiji's trial in such a manner where it'd be easy for him to let Megumi die but intentional enough to feel like he caused her death… it seems like a very purposeful move on their behalf, but I don't know why they'd need to do that.

And also, would they even need the effects of her death on Keiji? Because it's not like her survival rate is 0%– there were trials in which she lived. If they needed to do that to him, wouldn't they ensure it happened? Unless, they didn't need it and it was just a side effect? I know I just said it seems very intentional, but it's still possible that it may not be lmao. But, of course, the trials could differ from the death game we know... perhaps her and Keiji's first trial could've been different in different simulations. But that still kinda pokes a bit of a hole in this assumption, lol.

I'm worried that this might be really obvious and I'm just over here acting like I've had an epiphany for no good reason LOL, but I don't often see people talking about Keiji's first trial in the same way as Shin's, in the sense that they were what made them snap– the final straw that set up their actions for the rest of the death game. So I wanted to introduce that concept specifically if people weren't already of that opinion 👉🏼👈🏼

I personally kind of like this… pseudo-theory, I'll call it. It feels like it'd exacerbate the guilt Keiji feels throughout the game, if he was more newly logical and less numb to these actions than originally considered. It's hard to say if it could be accurate, though, because we don't get much to see what Keiji's thinking much! It kind of drives me insane, please let me know what the hell is going on in Keiji's brain Nankidai ;;

That's all I got lol, thanks for reading ✌️

#your turn to die #keiji shinogi #yttd keiji #shin tsukimi #kimi ga shine #i did talk about shin quite a bit so i guess i'll tag him too #idk i think this would just be interesting 👉🏼👈🏼

61 notes · View notes