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angstyaches · 4 years ago

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Meet Shayne and Charlie

So, this is my first post with my shiny new OCs, Shayne (a demon eater) and Charlie (a half-demon). I’m still developing my world, but feel free to message me with suggestions/questions/prompts.

Mild emeto warning!

Swallow the World, Prologue: Part.1

“Hey. Hey, Shayne?”

I looked up from my desk, resisting the urge to roll my eyes. The new kid, Charlie, was leaning on the edge of his desk, his head propped by the heel of his hand. I hadn’t even noticed class had come to an end. The geometry lesson and the heavy ache in my belly had put me right to sleep, considering I’d gotten so little the night before.

“What?” I growled.

“Are you okay?”

I lifted my hand from my stomach, reckoning he’d seen me holding it during class. I used to get away with nursing stomach aches like that, because ever since Lucy had taken off, nobody had taken any notice of me. Those days seemed to be over, and I realised I hadn’t basked enough in the bliss of invisibility.

“I’m fine.” That was what people said, right? When they wanted the attention on them to go away?

“You don’t look fine. Are you sick again?”

I felt my face flush. I’d missed a day of school at the start of the week. This guy didn’t miss a beat, did he?

“No,” I mumbled. “It’s just a stomach ache. I get them all the time, they’re just –”

I caught myself, shaking my head. This was none of his business, and even if it had been, it was too boring to make conversation with. Especially when I didn’t want to be making conversation at all.

Especially especially when I didn’t want to be talking to this random, if slightly overbearing, guy about the fact I attended co-ed public school by day, and swallowed demons whole by night.

“Stress-related, maybe,” he said.

I tried not to glare at him, though my resolve broke down, and I let my cheek rest on top of books. My hand trailed back over my stomach, gently trying to quell the writhing movements inside.

“I’ll come wait with you at the office, if you want to call your parents.”

I shook my head, letting Charlie’s assumption that I had parents just wash over me. It was easy, after spending so long around these people.

“Mum won’t believe me,” I mumbled, almost choking on the word. “Lately, unless I’ve got a fever or I’m throwing up, she thinks I’m faking.”

I couldn’t believe how many words had fallen out of my mouth. The boy was looking a little sympathetic now, as if what I’d said made perfect sense. He drummed his fingers on his arm.

“I’ve got a tonne of paracetamol in my bag, if you think it would help with the pain.”

I awkwardly met his gaze, though when I tried to find anything to say back to him, my throat closed over. Human medicine had never occurred to me before, even though I’d seen people – particularly girls – sucking them down like candy. He seemed to read what I was thinking, because he started reaching for his bag.

“Two?” he asked.

I nodded and lifted my head, despite the heat gathering around my face. He produced a blister pack, and leaned across to push two tablets into my hand. I swallowed them with a mouthful of water from my bottle.

“Thank you,” I mumbled.

“You’re welcome.” He smiled as he zipped up his bag and pushed it back under his desk. “But you should probably go to a doctor. Get checked for an ulcer or something.”

I hummed in agreement, even though going to a human doctor would be as useful as asking a common pigeon for help. Nothing was physically wrong with me, so nothing existed for doctors to find.

“Or, you know, you could talk about whatever’s bothering you,” Charlie shrugged. “With your family, or – or, like, a friend.”

I laughed as I put my head back down. “I’d need to have friends for that.”

He made a low sound, and my stomach turned over, this time with guilt. I folded my arms against it, resisting the urge to curse under my breath. Why was I feeling bad for this guy? He’d done nothing but cause me headaches since he’d arrived. What had it even been; two months? Hadn’t he made friends with anybody else in that time?

“This is me – kind of – asking you if you want to hang out sometime,” he said, scratching at his head. “I think. I mean, that’s what I was going for.”

I tightened my arms over my aching stomach, a crawling sensation in the back of my throat. I noted the feeling, and tried to box it away. I was definitely not in the mood for this.

“Look, I mean – ” He gave a slow shrug. “You’re clearly going through something. Honestly, I’ve been having a shit time too. Maybe it’d suck a bit less if we were going through our stuff together. I don’t know.”

I frowned and lifted my head up again, my eyes devouring every inch of him now. Shit. My heart dropped at the tinge of grey that slid along his skin, right where he’d been scratching at the side of his neck.

“What?” he asked, his eyes widening. He was starting to look as pissed off as I’d felt moments before. “Look, I’m – I’m sorry I got a little intense, but it’s nothing like that. I know I give off a certain vibe, but I don’t –”

“What house did you move into?” I demanded.

He blinked, leaning back in his seat as though to put some extra space between us. “Uh, it’s on Mulberry. Not far from the golf course.”

“Number 68?”

“Yeah.” Charlie frowned. “How’d you know that?”

That crawling feeling made itself known at the back of my throat again, tickling at my tongue. My mouth felt far too wet, and all I could say was “Shit.”

“Shit?” he squeaked. “What? Did someone die there or something?”

“Or something,” I muttered. My chest felt like it was going to collapse as I started to get up from my desk. My legs felt like they were made of water vapours.

He found me retching the remnants of breakfast over a sink in the boys’ bathroom, and I wanted to break the mirror when his reflection came into view. His hair was a deep shade of gold, and his skin was like porcelain. I should have seen it sooner. He was far too good-looking to be in a place like this. He glistened with the same energy that was behind classical music. I’d let his kind advances towards me to render me clueless, vulnerable.

And now he was going to kill me, and my guts were aching far too much for me to do anything about it.

“You’re going to be late for class,” I spat, ducking my head and clenching my teeth against a powerful cramp, “demon.”

“Demon?” he chuckled.

I winced as I looked up again. He was standing next to me, holding out a paper towel to wipe my face with. I despised my hands for trembling as I reached out and took it.

“What are you talking about?”

I met his blue-eyed gaze in the mirror. He was genuinely confused, probably wondering if I had a fever and was hallucinating. The grey tinge around his neck was barely visible anymore, and I suddenly wasn’t feeling too harsh with myself for letting him sit under my nose for so long. I’d never heard of a demon who could blend so seamlessly into society, let alone a school.

Unless he had no idea himself.

My insides twisted, deep down where I expected my most recent encounter was about to rip through the fabric of existence and vanish. I ducked my head again, letting out a low groan, as though nothing of the sort was happening.

“Hey, you’re okay.”

The hand that rested on my shoulder was gentle, yet firm. It sent shivers over my skin, made my muscles clench even harder than they already were.

“At least your mum might believe you’re sick now.”

I sighed weakly. “Always with the silver linings, huh?”

“Always,” he agreed, flashing a smile. “What do you think? Calling home sick?”

I rinsed my mouth out at the sink, wishing my hands would stop shaking. Actually, I mainly wished he wasn’t there, seeing them shake. I wished he wasn’t there at all.

“Nah, I’m not sick,” I mumbled, though my voice was thick with nausea and he probably noticed. “Just – like you said. I’m - I’m going through a thing.”

#shayne #charlie #shayne and charlie #stomach ache #emeto #stomach kink #tw emeto

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frizz22 · 5 years ago

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New In Town

MamboSpellman prompt: Can you do a Mambo Marie and Zelda fic where they meet in season 1. Mambo Marie needs a change and decides to move to Greendale and so she sets her shop there and meets Zelda one day

CHAPTER 100🙌🏻🎉🥳 Read on ao3

I know this is a more recent prompt and it jumped in front of a lot of others, but I’ve decided to stop trying to do prompts in the order I get them and just work on what ideas come first. I’ll hopefully get them done a bit faster, fingers crossed, this way. I’m sorry if this means you’re waiting a long time, I know some of you have been already. Thank you for sticking with me

Zelda grumbled to herself as she parked the car. As convenient as the mortuary was in terms of collecting potion ingredients, it truly wasn’t worth operating in times like this.

Throwing the door open, Zelda lit a cigarette and exited the car, resting her elbow on the roof and glaring at the building in front of her.

The Chamber of Commerce.

If ever there was Heaven on Earth, it would be located here; where all business owners had to attend mind numbing quarterly meetings in order to maintain their license. Not all cities did this, she’d checked, no, just lovely, little Greendale where her brother had so wonderfully planted their roots.

She took a long, fortifying draw of nicotine and released the smoke slowly into the air. With one final resigned sigh and a scowl on her face, Zelda slammed the car door shut and headed across the parking lot.

Maybe she could get away with a few small persuasion spells to end the meeting early. She didn’t think she could stomach another monologue about the ups and downs of the economy from the man who owned the local flower shop. The last time she’d tried to shut him up without magic, claiming the man should have entered a more stable business—like death—it’d extended the meeting by a good twenty minutes. No, if it came down to it, Zelda would expose herself as a witch and risk execution before she listened to that man blather again.

Pausing at the front door, Zelda took several quick drags of her cigarette before stubbing it out—she’d gotten enough lectures in the past about smoking indoors and how it was ‘against policy’. While she normally wouldn’t have cared, smoked regardless of mortal frailties, Zelda knew from experience that trying to smoke during the meeting would only prolong the torture. The price wasn’t worth it.

Cigarette extinguished, Zelda strode through the building until she reached the harshly lit conference room. Restraining an eye roll, there’d be plenty reason enough for that soon, she signed her name on the attendance sheet and ignored the odd man from the horror bookstore who always asked after Hilda; interacting with these people only ever annoyed her, better to let them see her a frigid bitch so they’d leave her be.

And even though she’d arrived a few minutes late on purpose, hoping the meeting would be starting, people were still floating around the room and chatting. Sitting, Zelda tapped her fingers irritatedly on the table in front of her, crossing her legs and bouncing one foot.

That was until a flash of orange caught her eye.

When she realized the orange was from a dress, Zelda couldn’t help but let her gaze rove appreciatively over the woman. The newcomer was a handsome woman, all curves and confidence, hair wrapped in a scarf, dress flowing and jewelry clicking softly; certainly, worth appreciating.

The woman met her gaze, having just taking a seat several spots down, and arched a brow. Unabashed at being caught, Zelda inclined her head in greeting and turned her attention to the front of the room where the meeting had just started.

It dragged on; just as Zelda anticipated.

Satan, what she wouldn’t give for a cigarette. When they finally reached the last item on the agenda, welcoming new members, the entire room eagerly shifted to face the orange-clad woman.

Zelda turned a little more slowly and was pleased to find the woman’s eyes on her when she did.

“I am Marie LaFleur, I moved here from New Orleans and just opened an... antiquity shop.” She murmured huskily, her accent surprising them all and the men leaned forward a little bit more. “I look forward to getting acquainted with this charming little town you call home.”

The meeting dispersed quickly after that and though Zelda was intrigued by Marie, sensed there was something more to her, the poor woman had immediately been swarmed by men as soon as they adjourned and was unreachable least Zelda wanted to be sucked in.

So, instead of wading through that quagmire, and potentially sending the message that she was open to speaking to others, Zelda made a mental note to find this ‘antiquity’ shop later in the week. There were more layers to this Marie than the mortals were aware, and Zelda intended to find out what they were.

Besides, she still needed to get Sabrina a gift for her dark baptism next month, something unique from an antique shop would do much better than anything mass produced and sold in Greendale’s existing stores.

She glanced at the woman once more and then ducked out of the room.

~~~

The week passed in a blur of viewings, funerals and preparations for Sabrina’s dark baptism. In all this, Zelda forgot about Marie and her magnetic presence until she was walking through town completing other errands and saw the store across the street.

Curious, Zelda strode over and slipped inside with a small bell announcing her arrival.

Marie’s head popped up from behind the counter and she smiled warmly. “Hello, ma chérie, welcome to my store.” She leaned her forearms on the counter and tilted her head. “Can I help you in finding something in particular?”

Approaching the counter, Zelda cocked a brow. “My niece’s baptism is in a few weeks; I’d like to find her something unique.”

Brow furrowing, Marie straightened. “Oh, I don’t think I have anything appropriate for infants...”

She laughed, shaking her head. “Oh no, I, my niece is turning sixteen. In our religion a wi—, a young woman re-devotes herself as she enters adulthood.”

The woman’s eyes brightened. “You are a witch.” She breathed, a smile unfurling on her lips. “I thought I sensed it in you, though your mention of a baptism made me doubt.”

Stunned, Zelda blinked and automatically made to deny the statement. “I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking—"

Waving her hand, Marie rounded the counter. “No need for diversions, ma chérie, let me formally introduce myself. Je suis Mambo Michele Marie LaFleur, Priestess of High Haiti, daughter of the Tiano people, faithful to Guinee.”

“A vodou priestess,” Zelda exhaled, eyes taking in Marie in a whole new, and much more excited, light.

Marie held up a finger. “I don't do none of the watered-down New Orleans vodou hoodoo bullshit. This is a Haitian house. Comprenez-vous? And the vodou practiced here is a way of life.”

She smiled, unable to suppress her excitement at a new witch in the area; and one who practiced a different witchcraft as well. “I’d love to get together sometime to discuss your ‘way of life’, I think we could learn quite a bit from one another.”

Eyebrow arching, Marie smirked. “I believe you’re right, ma chérie.” She took a step closer, invading Zelda’s space a little. “But first we must find your niece an appropriate gift for her dark baptism, yes?” And with that, Maria placed a hand on Zelda’s lower back and guided her deeper into the store; eventually making it to the back where Marie stored her magical wares; antiquities indeed.

~~~

Zelda left nearly an hour later. She’d selected Sabrina’s gift rather quickly, but she and Marie had gotten lost in a philosophical discussion and it was only when one of the many clocks in her store sounded the hour that Zelda realized she was supposed to be running errands; Hilda would be wroth with her... she’d promised to be back ages ago.

As she bid Marie goodbye, the woman framed Zelda’s face and kissed her lightly on each cheek. “The pleasure was all mine, ma chérie. I do hope we can spend more time together soon.”

Cheeks heating up, Zelda nodded. “I’m sure,” she cleared her throat, “I’m sure we can arrange something. Thank you for your help with Sabrina’s gift and for lending me the book.” She half lifted the text on vodou and then hurried away before she could blush and fumble further.

~~~

Marie spun her bracelets as she watched the redhead hurry away, a small smile on her lips.

She’d thought the woman was magical when she first walked into that dreadful business meeting at the beginning of the week. To have it confirmed, and without any meddling on her part, well, it was nice to be certain she wouldn’t be starting up a dalliance with some mortal.

Not that she was being presumptuous in thinking she and Zelda would have something... just that she was quite drawn to the woman, it seemed Zelda felt the same, and the fact that she was a witch made everything easier.

~~~

Two days passed before Zelda walked back into her store. Marie suppressed a laugh; the woman had held out longer than she thought.

Turning her attention from the items laid out on the counter in front of her, Marie smiled. “Back so soon?”

Zelda placed the book on corner of the counter. “Quite the read, I must say I was—"

Blinking, Marie took the book. “You finished already?”

Mistaking her tone, Zelda nodded. “Oh, yes. Well, I can hardly sleep for worry. Sabrina’s questioning every step of her dark baptism, and while skepticism is healthy in certain doses, it’s ulcer inducing in others. Anyway,” she waved a hand, “that means I have plenty of time to read. If I can’t sleep I might as well me productive.”

“Most of it is in French.” Marie remarked, she’d expected, hoped even, when she gave Zelda the book that the woman would come to her for help; gone so far as to picture them huddled over the book discussing concepts as Marie translated.

“En effet, c'était,” (indeed, it was) Zelda replied easily, her eyes glittering mischievously, and Marie’s eyes widened. “I know several languages, Marie, one does not spend decades traveling the world and not pick up a few things.” She winked and then headed to the back of the store.

It took Marie a moment to recover and follow, the returned book in one hand, . She found Zelda standing in front of her bookcase, perusing the titles. “If you’re going to keep borrowing things, I’ll have to charge you for something. This isn’t a library, chérie.” She teased, hands itching to grip the witch’s hips and draw her back against her body, see if they fit together as well as Marie had imagined.

Turning slowly, Zelda gave her a sinful smile. “Hmm, well, I’m sure,” she took a step closer to Marie, “we can come up with some kind of bartering system.” Her eyes flicked to Marie’s lips as her tongue darted out to wet her own.

Shivers raced down Marie’s spine and she closed the distance a little more. “Well,” she breathed, “it seems you already owe me… for the book you’ve just returned.” She set said book a side table; using the movement as an excuse to sweep even closer to Zelda.

“How rude of me,” Zelda murmured, “barely know you and already in your debt.” Her voice was huskier, and Marie could barely concentrate. When Zelda reached up a hand to cup her cheek, lips tenderly capturing hers, Marie was certain her brain stopped working altogether.

The kiss was far gentler than Marie predicted it’d be, but the light tug of Zelda’s teeth on her lower lip, how her hand readjusted for a firmer hold on her neck while the other slipped around Marie’s back, it had her head spinning.

When they broke, Marie realized she’d been so entranced that her hands were still hanging uselessly by her sides.

Not missing her lackluster response, Zelda backed away stiffly. “Perhaps I misread… we have a large collection of books as well—"

“No.” Marie cut in, moving quickly to rectify the situation. Her arms wrapped around the older witch, pressing into the small of Zelda’s back so the witch arched into her slightly when their lips met once more.

The smile on Zelda’s lips hindered the kiss for a moment, but then her hands were back, framing Marie’s face and pulling her in deeper.

Oh, oh she was in trouble.

The brief thought surfaced briefly when they pulled back slightly for a breath before diving back in. She hadn’t anticipated this; how intoxicating Zelda would be after so little interaction.

Marie had had her share of lovers, didn’t shy away from the casual carnal pleasure. So, she thought nothing of pursuing Zelda in such a way, especially when the witch clearly felt similarly. And, well, while Greendale was the change of scenery Marie needed, it’d already bored her to the extent of her chasing after Zelda for fun. But this, she gasped as Zelda’s tongue darted into her mouth and caressed her own before it teasingly pulled back, she could already tell this was different and she wasn’t nearly as in control as she’d previously thought.

But Marie found she didn’t mind the surprise, especially when she could push all thought from her mind and focus on thoroughly kissing the captivating witch in her arms.

~~~

A small moan emanated from the back of Zelda’s throat as Marie deepened the kiss, her fingers pressing firmly into her back.

This, this was.... Her thoughts trailed off when Marie slowly backed her into a wall, deliciously pinning her there with her body as her hands made their way to Zelda’s hair.

Her mind managed to form one last semi-coherent thought about how maybe the Chamber of Commerce meetings weren’t so bad after all if they led to this.

Note: All French is courtesy of google translate, if it's horribly wrong please tell me!

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throwawayov · 5 years ago

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The Case of You, Who Saved Me on Mondays - pt.2

The second and final part,

Sorry the grammar is still shitty I can’t proofread this lol

Also I can’t write smut askjaskhdka

Thank you for even reading this shit

----

Wednesday, Ranmaru Kurosaki POV

What made Ranmaru opened his eyes slowly was the strong smell of antiseptic. Next, the strange beeping from electronic device beside his head. After that, the massive throbbing pain in his head. He struggled to open his eyes. The sudden light from the ceiling blinded him for a second, but he tried to adjust quickly. This… is a hospital, isn’t it?

Then suddenly he realized something warm on his left hand. He tried to look below and saw Reiji’s head and hands were rested on Ranmaru’s hand. Reiji?

Sitting on a chair beside the bed, Reiji didn’t move at all so Ranmaru thought he’s asleep. He could feel Reiji’s strong grip on his hand as he couldn’t move it. “Reiji?” Ranmaru called him with croaky voice.

Reiji jolted up, surprising Ranmaru. “Ranran!? You’re awake!”

“Why—What are you doing here?”

Reiji stood up, clenching his fist. Ranmaru, still feeling dizzy, totally did not expect what happened in the next second; he got slapped hard by Reiji. What the—

“What the FUCK have you done you STUPID RANMARU,” Reiji screamed on the top of his lungs. His whole body trembled, and his face looked so red and colorless at the same time, if that’s even possible.

Ranmaru was shocked. “What—That freaking hurts, what the hell!” he stroked his cheek in pain.

“Good, you—you look okay! You—You better start ta—” Reiji’s stammer was suddenly cut by his cellphone’s buzz. He quickly grabbed them and cleared his throat. “Yes, Kotobuki here,”

Ranmaru stayed silent. He’s still confused on what’s going on. His mind tried to remember what happened…

And it hit him. Shit, did I just…

“Yes, he’s fine now. The doctor said it’s just overwork. Just a bad case of stomach ulcer, he’s gonna be discharged soon… yes, I’ll tell him that. Thanks!” he clicked his phone off and almost literally threw it away on to the bed.

Reiji’s attention went back to Ranmaru. “You see, I’m covering up for you so this won’t go out of hand,” he sat down again beside him. “I know you don’t want to worry anyone. So now, please, talk to me,”

Ranmaru sighed. “Talk about what? What is there to talk about?”

Reiji grabbed his hand hard. “For God’s sake can you make this easier, Ran? You know full well what am I talking about,”

“Let go of my hand,”

Reiji tighten his grip. “No sir I don’t think so, now talk,”

“Yes yes, gosh, Reiji,” Ranmaru closed his eyes in frustration. “Yes, I am an omega, a filthy one at that, the one using funny drugs to hide it all these years, and it took a toll on me physically and now mentally as well, and I was trying to end it all. That’s the freaking explanation, happy?”

Reiji fell silent. “But, why… why you—I don’t… Is it because what happened that night after the interview? Because I found out your secret?”

Ranmaru opened his eyes but trying to avoid Reiji’s. “No,” he muttered. “Well, maybe,” Ranmaru can sense Reiji’s breath stopped for a second. He might have said a wrong thing and he kind of regretted it now.

“What—what can I do to help, Ran? I don’t want this to happen again. Can you—can you stop taking that dangerous drugs? Can you stop taking too many suppressants?” The way Reiji talked, Ranmaru knew he’s holding back his tears. He sounded mad.

“And risking myself go into heat? No way,”

“It’s going to be okay if you take normal suppressants, you know that, right?”

“Even then, people will know that I’m an omega, I don’t want that,”

“Why are you so ashamed of it? Look at Tokki, he’s totally fine with it!”

“He’s had it hard as well before Otoya paired with him, you know,”

“Fine, then pair with me!”

Ranmaru’s eyes went wide. “The fuck are you talking about?”

“Yes, become my pair, Ran,” Reiji stood up. “That way, only I can smell your pheromones and you’ll be fine,”

Ranmaru clenched his fist. He felt his whole body tensed and heated up for all the wrong reason. He gritted his teeth trying to calm himself down. “I. Don’t need. Your pity.”

“Ran, no, listen to me, this is not pity. I—I care a lot about you, you know,”

“Get out of here,”

“Ranmaru, I always like you, all this time, I always like—”

“Get the fuck out of here you crazed alpha,” Ranmaru slapped Reiji’s hand away in fury. “Don’t you dare joke around like that, now that you know I’m an omega, you suddenly like me? Fuck you.”

“No no no, Ranmaru, that’s not—”

“GET OUT!” Ranmaru pressed on the nurse call button furiously.

Last thing Ranmaru saw before the door closed was Reiji’s face holding back his tears being dragged out by the nurse.

Thursday, Reiji Kotobuki POV

“I messed up, Tokki, I messed up,”

Reiji planted his face onto his hands. In front of him, the only omega of STARISH, Ichinose Tokiya, sipped his tea trying to calm himself down from the surge of new information Reiji brought upon him. The way Tokiya always carried himself with poise fascinated Reiji, as expected from the most famous omega in the entertainment industry. All the alphas in the industry used to be crazy over Tokiya’s – unwanted, according to himself – erotic aura that he exudes whenever he went. That was, before he finally became a pair with his alpha Ittoki Otoya. Nowadays his scent only lingered on as a myth and legend. Otoyan must be one lucky bastard.

Around 30 minutes ago, Reiji just finished telling Tokiya the gist of the situation, sans the suicide attempt just because he couldn’t get himself to even mention about it. He only hoped Tokiya can really be trusted to keep this only to himself. At least for the time being.

Tokiya finally put down his tea cup. “Yes, the way I see it, you messed up big time,”

Reiji slammed his head on the table. “I knoooooow, now what should I dooooo??”

“I’m not sure. Kurosaki-san is difficult to understand, but I think he’s a pretty straightforward person,” he nodded to himself. “Just wait until he calms down and talk to him again? Make sure you’re being honest?”

Reiji chuckled a bit, “Despite his image, Ranran is far from straightforward, you know. He’s a total tsundere if I ever see one,”

Tokiya raised his brows, “Really? That doesn’t sound like him,”

“Yes, yes, you’ll be surprised to know how gentle he actually is, despite trying so hard to appear rough,” Reiji nodded to himself remembering the subject of the conversation.

Tokiya smiled. “Well, I guess you don’t need to consult to me. Afterall, the one who understands him the best is you,”

And Reiji couldn’t help but to agree on that one.

Friday, Ranmaru Kurosaki POV

Ranmaru slapped his bass hard for his last big note. He stopped playing to think, played some more notes, and sat down onto his sofa. He leaned forward to jot down some notes onto his music sheet.

It’s 5 PM now and Ranmaru had been composing music non-stop for the day. He’s been avoiding coming to work, thanks to Reiji’s stomach ulcer excuse, it’s easier for him to hide in his place.

This rhythm is pretty good… Haruka should be able to work on the arrangement on this one.

Ranmaru knew putting all his focus into creating music was the best distraction for him at the moment. At least I don��t have to think about unnecessary stuffs now.

7 PM and Ranmaru had been playing around with his pencil on his hand for the last 15 minutes. Struggled to produce any lyrics for his newly composed music, he believed he just hit the writer’s block. “I can’t think of anything…” he mumbled.

Suddenly there’s a loud knock on his front door. “Ranran?”

…That’s Reiji. What the hell.

Ranmaru stayed silent, trying not to make any noise.

“Ranran? I know you’re in there! I just want to talk, give me 10 minutes,”

No. Ranmaru froze in his place.

“RANRAN IF YOU DON’T OPEN THE DOOR I WILL JUST SCREAM HERE AND LET YOUR NEIGHBORS HEAR EVERYTHING!”

Holy shit what is that idiot doing! Ranmaru ran to the front door and opened it quickly. “Shut up, I don’t want you here, go home,” and proceed to close the door again.

“Nope! Won’t let you this time,” Reiji quickly grabbed onto the door, pushed himself inside, and closed the door with his back.

Ranmaru was caught off-guard and took a couple steps back. “Hey, this is trespassing, you know. I will call the police,”

“Oh, go ahead, call them! I will gladly help them get rid of your stupid drugs while they’re here,” Reiji smirked and folded his arms as he walked past Ranmaru into the living room. He sat himself down, obviously pretending not to hear Ranmaru’s annoyed mumbles. “Ranran, I just want to talk, let me apologize to you,”

“Whatever, you have nothing to apologize for,” Ranmaru quickly walked past the living room and opened the door to his bedroom.

Reiji stood up quickly. “No, wait!”

“Stop,” Ranmaru put up his hand. “You can talk, but it’s really hard for me to see you in person now. So please just talk, I will listen from my room,” he proceeded to go into his room and closed the door with a bang.

Inside, Ranmaru sat down with his back on the door, trying to calm himself down.

“Ranran, can you hear me?” Reiji’s voice came though the door. He must be standing right in front of the door now.

“Loud and clear,” Ranmaru answered.

“Okay, I—I don’t know where to begin, but—” the hesitation in Reiji’s voice was so obvious, but he proceeded anyway.

“I’m sorry for what I said in the hospital. It was—it was hassled and unnecessary, I didn’t consider your feelings at that time, I’m sorry for being selfish,” he paused for a moment.

It’s fine. I’m the selfish one as well.

“But that wasn’t a lie. I—I must have phrased it wrongly. I know you won’t believe me after I ruined my chance with my stupid mouth in the hospital, but please listen to what I have to say now,”

“I—I always looked up to you since the first time we met, you knew it, right? I admired you since the beginning. Your voice, your stage presence, your confidence, your strong principle,”

“But damn you were so difficult to understand, Ran,” Reiji chuckled. “You built this wall around you so people couldn’t get closer. But I always know how you secretly helped many people, even—funnily enough, those stray cats you always fostered,”

“The more I try to understand you, the more you drive me insane. You’re full of imperfections, yet you managed to fill those gaps with your sincerity. You’re the scariest, sharpest, bravest person I know, and sometimes I couldn’t even catch my breath trying so hard to keep up. There will never be another one like you. Millions of people will come and go into my life, but there will never be another one stronger than you.”

“And did you realize I was feeling all of this while thinking you’re a beta?”

“This has nothing to do with you being an omega, Ranran. This doesn’t happen in a day. If anything, the fact that you’re an omega helped me to overcome my hatred of being an alpha. For the first time in my life, I finally feel relieved I was born this way. It was at that moment I knew I have chance to save you. I want you to rest on me, Ranmaru. I want you to feel relieved that you’re born an omega as well,”

The prolonged silence was deafening. Ranmaru could only hear his own crazy loud heartbeat.

“Ranmaru Kurosaki, I love you, with your sins and all,”

“I just hope my feelings can reach you,”

And then Ranmaru can hear the front door closed quietly.

Monday, Reiji Kotobuki POV

“Reiji-senpai?”

The practice room this afternoon was filled with Haruka and Reiji, but the younger one feels like she’s alone in it. “Reiji-senpai? Are you okay?” Haruka repeated her question.

Reiji snapped back to reality. “Ah, sorry Haru-chan!” He scratched his head. “I was just sleepy. What were you saying?”

That’s half-true, though. Reiji couldn’t get any decent sleep all weekend. He waited and waited with his cellphone in his hand. Waiting for any news, anything that came from Ranmaru, but it was naught. His mind kept on repeating what he said in Ranmaru’s place over and over again, trying to find a mistake, trying to find something that might be worth clarifying as an excuse to go back there…

Just flat out reject me and get this over with, Ran.

“Do you want to try singing this song?” Haruka asked, walking towards the piano behind the sofa.

Reiji noticed the sheets on the table in front of him. He grabbed it and skimmed through the notes. “What is this song?”

Haruka sighed. “Reiji-senpai, you didn’t hear any word I said, did you… It’s the song Ranmaru-senpai just sent,”

“Wait, what?” Reiji almost choked in his own words. “Ranran’s song?”

“Yes, I’ve been working on an arrangement for Ranmaru-senpai’s new song since last week… Over the weekend he just completed the first part of the lyrics,” Haruka searched through the sheets on her hand, “Ah, here it is” and gave the additional sheet to Reiji. “It’s the lyrics he made. Reading it, I wanted to change the arrangement from rock to ballad, what do you think, senpai?”

Reiji quickly grabbed the sheet. He’s done it over the weekend?

“I’m a bit confused with the lyrics, but I will try singing it,” Haruka sat down and started playing notes on the piano.

The Case of You, Who Saved Me on Mondays

I tried to be strong, all in the effort of chasing you

I thought I run towards you, but I was just running away

You were never in front of me, you are right next to me

Perhaps you are the only possible answer to my questionable life

My stain might never go away, I hope you are okay with it

Undress me with your warmth, and love me with your liberation

My most beautiful excuse to live.

Thank you for the great relief of having you to rest on

Come save me, we will be "us" I have always dreamed of being.

Reiji blinked once.

Twice.

“Senpai, what do you think?” Haruka broke the silence.

Reiji took a step back and ran towards the door, “Haru-chan, I’m so sorry but I have an urgent thing suddenly coming, I need to go now,”

“What? Is everything alright??”

“I—I think so, yes, it’s alright,” and then he ran without hesitation.

Monday Evening

“Ranran?” Reiji knocked on Ranmaru’s door loudly. He’s still trying to catch his breath as a result of running and nervousness combined.

Reiji’s phone buzzed. Ranmaru. “Hello?? Ranran?”

“It’s unlocked. Just come in,” Ranmaru said from the other side, and then quickly turn off the call.

Reiji quickly opened the door. “I’m coming in,” he announced as he came in. His stopped suddenly after taking a couple steps. He sensed…something.

There’s a…nice smell coming from inside.

Reiji moved forward following the source of the scent. “Ranran?” he called out again. The scent was coming from Ranmaru’s bedroom. Reiji tried to knock.

“You can come in, but be careful,” Ranmaru’s voice can be heard from inside.

Oh God please help me what is happening

Reiji slowly turned the doorknob and opened the door. Inside, he saw Ranmaru on his bed, sitting down, wrapped in thick blanket. Only his face was visible.

“…What are you doing in that blanket?” Reiji was dumbfounded.

“Hiding,” Ranmaru answered.

“Hiding from what?”

“Hiding my smell from you,”

Reiji burst out laughing. “What the hell, Ranran!”

“Don’t laugh! I stopped taking my medicine since 2 days ago,”

Reiji’s eyes widen in surprise. “You really did!?”

Ranmaru didn’t answer. He hid half his face into the blanket now.

Reiji stepped forward. “Can I sit there? With you?”

Still no answer. Reiji sat in front of Ranmaru anyway on the bed. “Ranran, I—I’ve listened to your song,”

Ranmaru was now hidden completely into the blanket. “Does it mean what I think it means? And—Hey why are you hiding completely now!?”

Reiji moved forward, kneeling on the bed trying to grab the blanket away from Ranmaru.

“No, stop! Don’t take away the blanket,” Ranmaru begged from inside. But it’s too late. Reiji had opened the blanket and pushed Ranmaru on to the bed.

Ranmaru was shirtless, laying on the bed, the only thing covering him was his track pants. His whole body was so red, the result of humidity and embarrassment merged into one.

Reiji’s heart skipped a beat. “Why—why are you shirtless!?” Reiji covered his face in embarrassment.

“It’s hot,” Ranmaru, facing away from Reiji, tried to cover his face with both his arms.

It’s bad, it’s bad, it’s bad. Calm yourself, Reiji.

Reiji took a deep breath. “Ranran, have my feelings reached you?”

Ranmaru was beet red now. His arms folded closer over his face.

Reiji kneeled forward, trying to grab Ranmaru’s arm away. “Ranmaru, look at me, please,”

“No, I don’t wanna,” Ranmaru closed his eyes.

“Okay then, hug me,” Reiji moved backward a bit and opened his arms. “You don’t have to look at me that way,”

The following silence drove Reiji mad. “Okay, I’m closing my eyes now. I won’t be able to see you. Reach on to me Ra—”

Reiji’s word was cut short by the sudden incoming embrace that is Ranmaru’s body. He hugged Reiji so tight, so sudden, he opened his eyes by surprise.

“Reiji, I—” Ranmaru’s husky voice was so close to his ear, Reiji’s heartrate felt doubled in a split second.

“I’m sorry, Reiji,” Ranmaru continued. “I’m—I’m not good with words. I don’t know how to say what I feel now, but I’m sorry for what I’ve done to myself and to you,”

“Save me, Reiji. I’m selfish and difficult, but you are my only solace. When I picture myself happy, I picture myself beside you,”

Reiji grabbed onto Ranmaru’s back tight. His scent is getting stronger it made Reiji dizzy, but he never tried to focus so hard before in his life.

“I love you, Reiji,”

And that’s it. That’s all it took for Reiji to lost it. He pulled away from the embrace and grabbed Ranmaru’s face for a kiss.

Reiji kissed Ranmaru hastily and the younger one took in a strangled gasp before closing his fist on Reiji’s shirt. Their eyes were squeezed shut. None of them could barely breathe. Reiji pulled away seconds later. It was a mess of a kiss.

“Sorry Ran, I—” Reiji was breathless. His mind was all over the place. Shit. I can’t control myself. I hate it.

Ranmaru, surprised by his own calmness, reached out his hand to Reiji’s face. “Reiji. Don’t hate it. Your…urge. It’s not… It’s not disgusting. If—If it’s…with me, it’s…alluring,”

“Fuck, Ranmaru. I can’t hold it anymore. Is it your heat talking?” Reiji hastily removed his own shirt.

“I don’t—I don’t know. I feel so hot,”

Reiji gulped, trying to muster up his last strand of sanity. “I will only ask once, Ranmaru, do you want to become my pair?”

“Devour me,”

Epilogue, the afternoon after

“What the actual fuck, Reiji, you’re supposed to bite only ONCE,”

Ranmaru stroked his own nape, squinting his eyes against the pain. Reiji proceeded to cuddle him under the blanket. “Oh come ooon, it’s not that bad, right?”

“You bit me SIX times, it hurts a lot!” he punched Reiji’s chest.

“Sorry, sorry,” Reiji kissed Ranmaru’s forehead. “I will help you cover the scar,”

“There’s no need,” Ranmaru muttered.

Reiji gasped. “Ranran, you’re gonna make me cryyyyyy! I’m so happy!!”

“Oh my God stop being noisy, my ears are ringing,” Ranmaru pushed his face onto Reiji’s chest. “Just… help me clean up your mess inside,”

Reiji couldn’t see Ranmaru’s face, but he could feel that his face became beet red again. Reiji couldn’t stop grinning.

“Come to think of it, Ranran,” Reiji thought of something. “You threw away your medicine already?”

“Yes,”

��ALL of them?”

“Yes, why?”

“…including your birth control pills?”

“Yes, what’s with the question?”

Both of them fell silent.

“…Oh,” Ranmaru finally got it. “It… It won’t happen that easily, right?”

“I… hope so?”

Well, who knows.

_END_

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gutbrainaxis · 5 years ago

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lemon balm

My first experience with ulcerative colitis pain was in June of 2018. I felt a searing pain under my lowest rib on my right side, stretching down to my pelvis. Later that night, I got my period. Aha, I figured. My period. Of course. That night my flow was so heavy that I had to supplement my tampons with dunkin donuts napkins, wrapped expertly around the crotch of my panties in an effort to not further stain my boyfriend’s bedsheets.

Towards the end of my period, I found that I was extremely constipated. My entire abdomen felt like a water balloon full of cement. I let my mom drive me to the emergency room, not her own, but rather the one she used to work at some 2o-odd years ago. It was frustrating to stop every few feet to meet my mom’s coworkers from 20 years ago. I was hunched over and walking very slowly, in something like a bipedal fetal position. I don’t care how long ago you worked with my mom Sandra, my stomach feels like it’s about to explode. Intake was frustrating. A young, pretty nurse with an Apple Watch asks about my symptoms. I tell her my stomach feels like cement. Nothing else abnormal. Just the cement.

I finally get a bed in the ER. It’s a calm afternoon and my mom chats with the young nurse who gives me an IV. He completed part of his training at her hospital. They don’t remember each other. I get fluids and an ibuprofen and I’m discharged before I know what’s going on. I’m confused because I’m still in excruciating pain and I still don’t understand what’s going on. My mom says that I’m to follow up with my gynecologist.

Two days later, I’m at the OBGYN. My usual doctor, an advanced practice nurse, isn’t available, says the nurse. I catch her up on my medical history. I had had an abortion six months prior and yes I had followed up with the doctor and yes it had gone smoothly and no there was no pain. A white-haired gentleman speaks with me about my symptoms while pressing gently on my abdomen. He gives me a prescription for a vaginal ultrasound and leads me into his office, where we talk about the birth control I’ve neglected to take for the last 18 months. His office is decorated with pictures of his family and grandchildren and their crayon artwork. He strikes me as the type of man who is so knowledgeable about women’s reproductive health that he has embarrassed his daughters on several occasions. I learn that there is no medical reason for women to release their blood monthly. Did you know that the reason why the last week of a 30-day pack of birth control consists of sugar pills? It’s not because the woman needs to release her blood, as I had assumed. It’s a built-in pregnancy test. You could, theoretically, skip the sugar pill week. I leave the office with samples of NuvaRing in hand and sense of liberation from the Lutero-industrial complex.

We go to my mom’s facility, where a talkative Russian lady conducts my ultrasound and advises me in gentle terms to gain some weight soon. My ultrasound appears normal, although there is some evidence that I had a cyst on my left side that had already exploded or whatever. They don’t seem concerned.

Later that day, I go back to the ER. This time I give in to my mom’s advice and let her take me to her own ER. I’m reluctant to go there because I know she’ll be recognized and I’ll have to make pleasantries with all of her coworkers. It’s amazing how tone deaf they can be. It’s like, “Oh my how much you’ve grown! I saw you when you were 5 years old! Oh, you’re in horrible pain right now? Oh dear, you should definitely go to the hospital!” Still, I go.

This time they prepare me for a CT scan with contrast. I’m waiting for about an hour before I’m given a foul tasting drink that I have to down in order for the CT scan to appear with contrast. It looks like water but it tastes like freezer burn, if that makes sense. I take generous swigs and chase it with the thought that the taste is not as horrible as my pain.

They wheel my bed into a room with the giant eggshell colored contraption. I don’t remember much at that point except for putting my bra back on afterwards. I sit in the ER waiting for my results. It turns out that there is some thickening of my bladder wall, but nothing that causes any alarm or explains my symptoms.

Sometime around July 10, the pain morphs into something else. I remember waking up and immediately regretting being awake. I remember laying in bed paralyzed with pain. There was no comfortable position for any part of my body. I could not re-position my body without evoking the pain. I could not be awake. I took Naproxen that day, as per mom’s suggestion. No use. I took a good deal of melatonin in an effort to go back to sleep. Sleep was the only respite. There was a point when my body would not let me go back to sleep. It had been satiated. I was awake, regardless of whether or not I wanted to be. I stared at the flowers my mom had placed on my bedstand. Lemon balm sprigs, clipped from my aunt’s garden the prior afternoon on the way home from the ultrasound.

Lemon balm leaves are small, maybe just an inch in length. Its outer ridges are rounded. They have soft, tiny hairs that give it a velvety feel like a peach. They smell like sugar-dusted lemon, like a lemon bar pastry with graham cracker crust. I thought about the leaves. I thought about a single leaf. I thought about a single leaf so big that it could block out the intrusive daylight that continuously assaulted my eyelids. I imagined being a lady bug and sleeping under a hut made of a single lemon balm leaf. I thought about the cool earth underneath me, and the bliss of knowing nothing of the forest around me, only the packed earth below me and the leaf above me. I blocked out all other awareness. I let myself be encapsulated by its cool sweetness. I felt okay.

Later that night, my mom comes home from work. It’s close to midnight, or maybe just past midnight. She comes into my room and it’s dark. She says, “GutBrain?”I do not respond. The sound of her calling my name wrenches me from my lemon baum dream. I refuse to see her shadowy silhouette standing in my doorway. I can feel that it is there and with that growing awareness, I can feel the pain resurfacing with my consciousness. It grows logarithmically. She calls my name again. I can hear the concern in her voice. She asks me if I need to go to the emergency room. I grip the fringes of my daydream and lying as motionless as possible, I say, “Don’t… talk… to… me… it.. hurts”. A flurry of questions. I ignore them all. I grapple for the edges of the forest, the lemon balm leaf, my sanctuary. But it’s slipping away. Quick.

I whisper, “Sorry”. I know that I seem rude to her and I feel bad for that, but I also know that my guilt for being rude is a human emotion and at that moment, I couldn’t disentangle any aspect of my humanity from the pain in my abdomen. When I began meditating, I imagined walking through a series of doors and closing them behind me. I abandoned my belly pain in the same place that I abandoned all awareness of my human body and my human family and my human worries. When she called my name, it all came flooding back. I can’t unhear the sounds of her shuffling in the kitchen. The muffled voice of my grandma. I resign myself to being awake now. I use my elbows to leverage my lower half over the edge of my bed. My feet make contact with the carpet. A slow trek to the bathroom, lumbering under the weight of the magma in my body. Wince as I remove my pants. Sit on the toilet and stare at the cabinet in front of me as the pain galvanizes. Nothing comes out. I realize that if these doctors don’t figure out what’s wrong with me soon, I would have to kill myself.

It was the first time that I had confronted that idea without crying. I had experienced depressive episodes and suicidal ideation before, but it was always like scratching a mosquito bite. It felt good to think about dying. I had imagined exotic scenarios that implicated those who had wronged me- donating a kidney to someone and then dying afterwards. I used to dream about my funeral attended by all my friends but not my boyfriend. I used to imagine my dad’s horrible girlfriend discovering my body in a pool of blood on the kitchen floor. I used to associate suicide with relief, justice, redemption.

It was only then, sitting on the commode, experiencing this otherworldly pain, that I felt that sadness of it all. It was only then that I realized that I didn’t deserve to die. I never did deserve to die. It was only then that I saw my own death as a tragedy. It was only then that I saw the injustice of my own death. It was then that I knew I couldn’t surrender.

#stomach ulcers #autoimmunedisease #ibs

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timelordvictoiouspartyof1 · 6 years ago

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Rules were made....Ch9

Summary: It’s been almost a year since you left Bucky for cheating on you. You missed him so much you convinced yourself you could just be friends with him. After having lunch with him in a local diner you made some rules and convinced him too that a friendship was possible.

Words: 4,100+

Warnings: none

Pairing: Mob!Bucky x Reader (who I call Maggie, Mags or Magdalene because I don’t like Y/N)

Ch1 Ch2 Ch3 Ch4 Ch5 Ch6 Ch7 Ch8

You were frantic when you walked in the door. Running around trying to erase any trace Bucky had been there. You quickly jumped in the shower, Bucky’s spunk wet on your thigh. You scrubbed till your skin was almost raw, and just as you had pulled a shirt on you heard the front door open. Your phone chimed as you were covering yourself with the blankets. He entered the room.

“You shouldn’t leave your front door unlock, babe. It’s not safe. Especially since you’re still in bed it means it was unlocked all night. Now come here, I missed you.”

Bucky lay there for several minutes after you walked out just staring at the ceiling. He was in shock. What had just happened? He finally got up to use the bathroom and found his pack of cigarettes on the counter. He had left them there when he changed to get in to pool. He realized then that the last one he smoke was in the parking garage at your building yesterday evening. He grabbed them and went back to bed. He found a pack of paper matches in his nightstand and lit up. He leaned back on the headboard and stared out the windows in silence. He never smoked in the house but now he didn’t care. He felt numb, like would never care again. He finally turned the TV, didn’t bother flipping the channels, he wasn’t really watching it anyway. He felt lost, like a child abandoned.

He rolled over and checked the nightstand on the other side of the bed he didn’t use for an ashtray. He found one. Hope really was over qualified for her job. He put the butt out in the glass tray setting it on the nightstand on his side of the bed. He lit another one. He wanted to cry. He also wanted to push all this down and ignore it. And not in the ‘I have other things to deal with first’ kind of way. In the ‘this is cause an ulcer later’ kind of way. He wasn’t even angry because at the end of it this was his fault. You wouldn’t even be with Oliver if he hadn’t driven you away. He lay staring aimlessly at the TV and around the room for almost an hour before he picked up his phone.

“I didn’t fight for you last time, I won’t make that mistake again. I need you to know how I feel. Learning to breathe by Switchfoot.” Send. He tossed the phone on his nightstand and rolled over on his side, hugging his pillow. He was watching some old movie he had never seen before when he fell asleep.

He woke with a start when he heard banging on the door. “Hey love birds, you coming out for some breakfast.” Steve joked through the door.

Bucky growled, angry from being woken. “Go away Steve.” He called back.

“Oh, come on. You guys can get more of each other later. Everyone’s still hanging out. Get out here.” He chuckled, thinking he was clever.

Bucky let the silence settle before speaking again. “She’s not here man, now leave me alone.” He barked.

It took Steve a minute to answer, not knowing if he even should. Finally, “What happened? What did you do?” Bucky heard him sigh through the door. “Do you want to talk?”

“She went back to him. And no, I don’t want to talk about it.” He forced out loud enough to be heard through the walls. He listened to see if he heard Steve walk away or god forbid ask more questions. When he heard footsteps he called out again. “And don’t even think about skipping tonight. Go and have a good time. That’s an order.”

He rolled back on the bed and checked his phone. 9:45 and no text messages. He longed to be asleep again. He grabbed the remote and clicked around the channels looking for something to distract himself. He half paid attention to the movie while he scrolled along the list of songs in the iPod. He found another on. He paused the movie to listen to the words and make sure they were what he needed them to be.

“Edge of desire by John Mayer. I know I never deserved you.” Send.

He lit another cigarette and pressed play. He actually got lost in the movie and the next one and let a few hours passed. He only realized it was almost one because his stomach would not stop growling. He text Hope to bring food outside his door and grabbed his pack again. He had almost smoked half the pack in the last six hours. A few minutes later he opened the door to find a tray of foods on the stand next to the door. He carried it in and put it on your empty side of the bed. He flopped down and started picking at the food as the movie played on. He grabbed his phone again.

“Crazy by K-Ci & Jojo.” Send.

It wasn’t until almost three he remembered Wanda’s dress was in the back of his car. He sent another text to Hope to get it sent over to your apartment, assuming everyone would be getting dressed at your house. He wasted the rest of the hours away not leaving his bed. Darkness fell over his room as the sun set. He was an absolute mess, with zero desire to climb out of it. You leaving a second time would be his ruin. He tried one last time.

“Fool to think by Dave Matthews Band. Just tell me you don’t love me.” Send.

Oliver slide his shoes off and climbed into the bed with you. He leaned in to kiss you and you hurried a quick press to his lips then pulled away making excuses about still being sick. It wasn’t entirely a lie, you did feel sick to your stomach, guilt. Your phone chimed again with the unread text message. You turned the screen and saw his name. You slid it open and quickly read the message, locking the screen back and setting it face down again.

He got up and took off most of his clothes and climbed back in the bed. He was worn out, you could tell. He had gotten to the airport at five to get back. He always came home from these trips tired. He told you about his trip, you didn’t say much. After a while tired overcame him and he fell asleep, so did you.

It was almost ten when you woke up. Your phone chimed a second time, pulling you all the way out of your sleep. You checked it, feeling guilty all over again, with Oliver in the bed next to you. Bucky again. You checked the message to get it off your screen, barely reading it. Your stirring must have woken Oliver because he rolled over and pulled your body into his.

He whispered into your ear sleepily, “I’m hungry.”

You laughed, “I’ll order in. We need to get up anyway, the girls will be over soon.”

His voice was more clear, “The girls? Do they have to come over I was hoping it would be just you and me today. I want to take you out, just you and me.”

“Babe, I can’t. It’s Nat’s day.”

“Her birthday? I thought that was a few months ago.” He questioned.

It hurt you a little that he didn’t know what you were talking about. Bucky knew. “It’s not her birthday. She can’t be alone today. It’s her parents.”

His tone softened. He pressed a kiss to your temple. “How could I forget? I’m sorry. Of course they’re coming over. What time?”

“Wanda slept at her place last night so she’s got first shift. They should be here around noon I guess.”

“Ok. Get me fed and I’ll make myself scarce.”

You ordered food while he got dressed. Lunch was on the sofa and the conversation was light. You told him the plans for that evening but didn’t tell him who exactly would be there, because honestly you didn’t know at this point. He said he would be back around eight to take everyone to dinner.

He left around eleven and you turned on Netflix to pass the time. The girls showed up around noon like you expected. You hadn’t moved from the sofa, wrapped in a blanket. They didn’t knock, just walked right in.

“Don’t you look comfy.” Nat stated when she saw you.

“Give her a break, I’m sure she’s exhausted after last night.” She giggles. “How did you even get away? We assumed Bucky would have chained you to the bed before he let you go.”

You pulled the blanket over your face not wanting to face the truth, but knowing they wouldn’t let it go. “Oliver is back. He called this morning and I just kind of ran out.”

There was a long paused and Nat and Wanda exchanged looks. A few seconds later the both flopped on the sofa one on each side. Wanda pulled the blanket down and smiled. “At least tell us you didn’t has sex with him this morning, we wouldn’t want people to start thinking you’re a floozy.” A laugh fell out without your permission.

“I didn’t! I swear.” You objected.

Nat grabbed the remote. “I’m starving. And since I get whatever I want today, I want sushi and pizza.” She looked at the food containers on your counter left over from breakfast. “Don’t tell me you already ate.”

“I barely picked at it, and like I would ever turn down food.” You grabbed your phone and ordered. “Here in a minute these delivery guys are going to think I have people locked up in here with the amount of food I order. But we can’t go crazy, Oliver is taking out to dinner before the club.” They both laughed and pulled the blanket over themselves too.

Nat put on Doctor Who. “Since I get total control we’re starting on season five. You know Matt Smith is my favorite Doctor.”

“We know!” you both responded in unison.

“I never understood that. He’s kind of ridiculous and nothing like you. Care to explain you fascination.” Wanda pried jokingly. “Maybe it’s very telling and we just haven’t been paying attention.”

“Shut up. If Maggie doesn’t have to talk about her love life, neither do I.” Nat used a defense and you groaned. After that the conversation was minimal, everyone just lounging about watching the show. When the food arrived the blanket and tossed and the three of you took turns passing the plastic containers. You had a mouth full of noodles when the bell rang again for the pizza.

You opened the door with the to go container still in one hand. The pizza guy was confused and asked if he had the right place. You smiled sweetly and assured him all the food would get eaten. You walked back to the sofa and climbed in the middle opening the box.

With the left over food still scattered on the coffee table, the three of you laying tangled in each other watching episode after episode. The bell rang just after three startling everyone. Wanda shot you a glance. “Did you really order more food? I’m stuffed.”

“It wasn’t me, I didn’t order more food.” You got up and looked out the door hole. “There’s no one there.” You opened the door to find a box on the doorstep. Wanda’s dress. Guilt flooded you again. You picked it up and carried it back. “It’s for you Wanda. He got you a dress too, I forgot to grab it on my way out.”

You handed her the box. When you sat down Nat threw her arms around you pulling you into a side hug. Wanda looked confused. “He didn’t do it just for you.” Natasha assured her. “He got me something too. He’s just being Bucky. Now the question is, if Oliver is coming, I’m assuming Bucky isn’t, so where does that leave Steve and the other guys?”

You let out a sigh. “He can be so sweet when he wants to be. He said if anything doesn’t fit we can go exchange it and charge it to his account. I don’t know, text Steve, see what he says.”

You both looked at Nat. “Oh, don’t act like you don’t still have his number.” Wanda pressed. “Text him. It’s no big deal. Here, give me your phone.” She tried to grab it off the table but Natasha beat her to it.

“Fine. I will. Back off.” She said with a smile. She stared at her phone for a while, then finally started texting. She found out the Steve and everyone were still coming with an exception of Bucky. And tried to assure her that they would behave and everyone would still have a good time. A few hours later the three of you finally removed yourselves from the couch and started getting dressed. Oliver showed up right on time at eight. He did look very handsome all dressed to the nines.

He took the four of you to a nice restaurant. Everyone had a good time. The truth was the girls loved Oliver. The conversation was always easy and smart. He told them about his trip and his upcoming clinical he would be getting involved in. you walked out the restaurant just after ten to fresh cool air. While you waited for the valet to bring the car around he wrapped his arms around you from behind.

“You look amazing.” He said in a lowered voice. “It’s been a struggle for me to keep my hands off of you. I can’t wait you get you on the dance floor so I have an excuse.” You didn’t say anything. “I think the girls had a nice time. I think it’s safe to say they adore me. I know how important it is to you to have their approval.” The car pulled up and you broke away casually.

You cranked the radio as the car pulled off so there was no talking on the ride to The Mansion. When you pulled up the valet opened your door and everyone approached the door. The bouncer was out front checking i.d.’s. When you walked up he was turning someone away. You faked a distressed look back at the girls. You were digging for your license when Natasha pushed ahead on you and handed hers over. The bouncer looked at it and called over. “Tom.” The guy at the desk in the entrance walked over. “This is Ms. Romanoff and her party.��

The other gentleman walked over with a smile. “Right this way.” He ushered the four of you in. the place was beautiful. It was very large in the shape an oval. He walked you into the middle. The entire middle was an oval shaped atrium with alcoves around the edge. He walked over to one of them. It had couches and chairs and a few tables set in it. “This is your lounge. We are full service. These two ladies are her the get you anything. And we have been instructed to get you anything you might want. The Mansion is set up in an oval. Each room is set up for a different experience. Some have different music styles, karaoke, one has a movie, things of the sort. If you need directions the ladies are happy to escort you. The rest of your party has not shown up yet but they will be escorted over when they do arrive. If there is nothing else I will be off.” He paused for a minute and when no one spoke he turned on his heels and walked away.

You immediately turned and mouthed to Nat, “I didn’t do this,” before Oliver stopped being distracted by the décor and turned towards you. Wanda took no time stepping over and plopping down in one of the chairs. She was talking to one of the waitresses ordering drinks. You were reading the cocktail menu when Steve walked up with Sam and that guy Scott. Natasha’s face lit up when she saw him. You stood up quickly, nervously, looking around to see if Bucky was there. Steve leaned in to give you a hug hello, “He isn’t coming.” He pulled away from the hug.

You turned to invite Oliver into the circle of people. “This is Oliver everyone. Oliver, this is Steve and Sam and Scott.” You pointed as you spoke. You didn’t know if Oliver knew who they really were. You had had a few conversation with Oliver at the beginning of the relationship but they were limited and you didn’t know how much he retained. Thankfully nothing got weird and everyone sat back down as one of the girls brought a round of drinks over. When the second round arrived Nat decided she wanted to dance so the three of you stepped out into the middle and danced with each other. Natasha was making eyes at Steve the whole time and it didn’t take a whole song before he got up and joined. Sam made it over to one of the bars on the back wall and was talking to a man in a suit. He looked very official, you assumed it was business. After a couple songs and Wanda got tired and sat back down. Oliver wasn’t much of a dancer so you didn’t expect him to join you. The time passed quickly and everyone was having a great time. At some point Oliver walked off to use the restroom and you and Wanda leaned in to talk.

“This has to be Bucky.” Wanda squeaked. “Unless you think it was Oliver.”

“I wasn’t Oliver,” you replied. “He would have taken credit for this. And he’s generous but he doesn’t have this kind of money. I mean for all the everything this includes. The question is, when did he do this? I feel like crap, he did all this for us, for me, and then I just walk out on him. I feel so bad.”

“You don’t have to feel guilty, he did it this afternoon.” Scott’s voice behind you somewhat startled you. You turned and looked behind you at Scott leaning deep into one of the sofas. Oliver returned and you spun back to face Wanda. You looked over and saw Nat and Steve still on the dance floor. Her back on his chest, his hands roaming all over her body. She had her hand reached up around the back of his neck and it looked like he leaned in and kissed her neck.

“Ok, they are either seriously drunk or this things is finally happening.” You said unable to stop the smile on your face. Oliver leaned over and handed you another drink.

“They look nice. I didn’t know Nat was looking for someone.” He stated blankly.

Wanda giggled, “Oh this has been a couple years in the making. She hasn’t been looking because of this.” Her smile dropped when she realized what she had said. She quickly changed the subject, “I wanna hear you sing. Let’s find the karaoke.” With that one of the waitresses showed up out of nowhere and offered to show you the way.

You caught Nat’s eye and motioned her to follow and Steve went to retrieve Sam as everyone walked into one of the outside rooms. The waitress cleared some people out of the way and set enough places for everyone to sit. The second girl came in and set down a fresh round of drinks. You and Wanda exchanged looks feeling very swanky. Nat wedged herself between the two of you with more teeth showing in her smile than you had ever seen.

You leaned in close. “So is this finally going to happen?” Wanda giggled and nudged her.

“Stop.” Nat looked almost guilty. “I don’t know. Yeeeeeeeees.” The three of you squealed.

You stood up to go put a song in at the booth. You were drunker than you thought you were, having to concentrate on not falling. When you got back Oliver pulled you into his lap and kissed your neck. He must be somewhat drunk too. He rarely showed public displays of affection. Steve’s body tensed at this. He tried to turn his attention away and start a conversation with Sam and Scott, but he kept looking at you out the corner of his eye. Oliver brushed your hair off your shoulder and Steve flinched. You tried to slide off his lap but he kept you in place.

“Stay here, babe. I missed you. Everyone else is trying to steal your attention away from me tonight.” It was true. Steve had spent most of his time on the dance floor with Natasha, but when he wasn’t he monopolized the conversation even when Oliver was trying to join in. Sam and Wanda had also been overly chatty politely ignoring Oliver.

“I’m here.” You put your both hands on his face and placed a small kiss on his lips. When you pulled away you gave a saddened look in Steve’s direction.

You hear the announcer call your name to go sing and it was the perfect excuse to exit Oliver’s lap. You brought your drink with you, not that you needed anymore alcohol. You were already drunk enough to feel overly emotional and an intense urge for honesty. The music started, One and only by Adele. You stood behind the mic feeling small. Until you belted out the first line, then you started to relax.

“You’ve been on my mind I grow fonder every day. Lose myself in time just thinking of you face.” Everyone stopped talking and turned to listen. The emotions started to rise, you swayed back and forth slowly. Holding one hand on the stand. Your voice stayed level. “You’ll never know if you never to forget your past and simply be mine. I dare you to let me be your, your one and only.” When you hit those notes several people in the room started clapping.

Your knees started shaking, you closed your eyes. You knew the song by heart, it’s all you’d been singing for the past week. “Come on and give me the chance, to prove that I am the one who can, walk that mile until the end starts.” You forced the last lines out as a single tear fell on your cheek and rolled down. The room erupted in applause. You smiled and let out a soft laugh. You jokingly curtsied twice before walking off the stage and right to the bathroom.

Steve laughed and told everyone how wonderful that was. And Wanda and Nat defended by saying they always knew what a great singer you were. Steve casually grabbed his phone and text Bucky.

“She just sang One and only by Adele and I can promise it wasn’t sung for Oliver” Send.

You were quick in the bathroom so no one noticed you didn’t come right back to the table. The time passed smoothly again. You and Wanda sang Don’t stop believing, and Sam did his rendition of Baby got back. Scott even tried to sing some Sublime after some convincing. Around two everyone decided to call it a night. Natasha and Wanda ubered back to Wanda’s house but not before she shared a long goodnight kiss with Steve. The guys got in Steve’s car and drove off music blaring.

Oliver put his arm around you and guided you to the car. He drove back to your place, holding your hand the whole way there.

“Well I think that was a success.” He squeezed your hand.

“Yeah, she really enjoyed herself.” He responded, resting your head on your hand and staring out the window. You were tired and drunk. You needed sleep.

“Let’s get you home. But you owe me tomorrow. I’m keeping you all to myself for twenty four hours.” You agreed with a hhmmm.

Bucky was started awake by his phone ringing. He didn’t catch it in time, it stopped ringing. He dropped his head back on the pillow. The sound burst through the silence again. He picked his phone. Your name on the caller ID. He shook himself awake and tried to clear his voice before he answered so he didn’t sound groggy.

“Hey doll.”

“Ja-James Barnes?” It was a man’s voice on the other end.

“Who is this?” Bucky demanded.

The voice was more frantic than before. “It’s Oliver.” He said loudly. “They took her. Someon-Someone took Maggie!”

Next Chapter

@chipilerendi @pastelxvirgo @fuckthatfeeling @dillpicklesunflowerseed @twintwin125 @thatsokayleigh @vogueworthy-barnes @msesther19 @imyessieakiyama @dazedbarnes @oh-sandyyy @jimesu @jsmith509 @sebastianstanistheloveofmylife @vaperongal4life @thatbitchcatherine @haleynepema @whyy-is-everything-so-heavy @risinghero

#buckybarnes #bucky x reader #mob!bucky #james buchanan barnes #rulesweremade

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silentavera · 6 years ago

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HAVE MELTDOWN PART 2 SNIPPET 8D

“Hello?!” Clefeable was being dragged as they pulled against Ash, “Is there a brain in that head of your’s?!”

Ash was stumbling, surprised at how strong Clefable’s tugging was with those tender arms, “I have to get to Mary Clefable, this isn’t like her! Something is wrong, something is very, very wrong!”

“It’s her decision! We might not understand it Love, or even LIKE it, but it’s her peace!”

Ash turned to face Clefable, knocking their arms off, “She is NOT in peace right now!”

“Neither are you! You think your emotions are going to help this situation?!”

“I’m not going to breathe down her neck, I’m going to listen. I know what I’m doing Clefable, she doesn’t need anyone to yell at her right now, she needs an outlet” –

“DON’T MAKE YOURSELF A TARGET FOR OTHER PEOPLE!” Ash jumped, surprised at Clefable’s outburst – Clefable surprising their own self too, fanned themselves to cool off their emotions, “Do forgive me for the outburst, but you must understand Ash, there’s an alternative approach to this other than just throwing yourself in headlong! I understand Mary is someone who is so dear to you, but right now, you must, must take care of yourself! With that hole in your code, if this goes south, I shudder to think the consequences!”

With Clefable just talk, talk, talking away, Ash had some time to reflect (?) on his sudden action. He felt an unpleasant stirring with how worked up Ritchie was, with the way he sounded, it was like Mary was fixing to throw herself off a cliff! And then he just straight up felt bad, especially for dropping Gary like a newborn Girafarig.

“You’re not the only one helping Mary right now,” said Clefable, “I’ll bet the twinkles in my eyes that Max got the same info about Mary as you did, why it was Ritchie who told you, no? I’ll bet it’ll spread like wildfire throughout the Ranger units.”

*Ritchie’s call was like a bombing raid siren to be honest. So, yeah.

“Watch each other’s backs, bring each other home.”

“Hm?”

“Watch each other’s backs, bring each other home, it’s the creed we have….” Ash took a deep breath. Looking at his com, he had a torrent of messages coming through individually and via the group chat with one immediately sticking out,

Mary: Everyone, please calm down, 1.) yes, I am stepping down from being a Ranger 2.) NO IT IS NOT PERMANENT 3.) obviously, I need some time with the current issues at hand

Mary: Stop blowing up my com, or I’m going to start blocking people.

*But….Something isn’t adding up here,* Ash thought. He scrolled through the message, most of them all in disbelief because it’s so fresh, *Ah….* Mary had directly messaged Ash.

Mary: I’m okay, please don’t let anyone work you up into a fit.

Mary: I’ll talk with you and Ritchie later okay? Promise.

*Deflection…? Maybe…. You talked with Lisa, and right after Nightmare Ice Hell….she said she’s okay Ash….and…how much longer can you keep going…? Mary has already made her statement, there are people around her, this is not just you and Lisa, it’s you and Mary and everyone, everyone in your circle. Don’t panic, don’t throw yourself where you don’t need to be. Just think of what everyone else is already doing….You have to sideline yourself for this one Ash, I know it hurts, I know its sucks, but people have to be responsible for themselves. This is Mary’s choice. And now, you’ve got make one…

Ash sent Mary a text back ‘please take care yourself <3’ followed by ‘you know where to find me if you need me.’

*Compromise =3=;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Ash ran his hand through his hair, *…..I messed up…* “Oh boy….” Ash looked to Clefable…as much as he wanted to help Mary right now….

*You can’t do it son. And that’s okay.

Clefable took Ash’s hand gently, “What’s on your mind Love?”

Ash swallowed, and sighed, “Could, you help me back to my room, please?”

The warm smile that spread over Clefable’s face made Ash feel a little better, “Of course Love.”

In returning Ash to his room, they ran into Ritchie, Pikachu, and Sparky, with Ritchie miles and miles relieved that Ash came back. He apologized for his ramblings, hugging Ash dearly, “Oh my god I’m so glad you came back, I’m so glad you came back, your code! I’m so sorry, I just” –

Pikachu jumped on Ash’s head, hugging him hard, “Pi-pi-pi! Pika-pi!”

“I’m okay little buddy,” Ash deepened the embrace in turning his attention to Ritchie, “It’s okay Ritchie, I know, I know it…” tears formed in Ash’s eyes, “It’s gonna be okay, Mary is so strong, she needs this time, besides, it’s not permanent, I’m just, in a way,” they took a step back, looking at each other flushed and tearful, Pikachu patting Ash on his head, “She’s our Ranger mom, she gave us the chance to be Rangers, and, I’m so, sad, I can’t do anything for her right now, but if I did something on her behalf and got even sicker, then, what then? So, the best thing I can do for her right now, to ease her burdens, is to get myself better, because I know…heh, yikes. If, if I went to her…oooh…”

Ritchie wiped his eyes, “Yeah,” he smiled, “Dragon mom.”

“Dragon mom,” Ash smiled back.

“I only sent her one text, because, I dun wanna get blocked,” said Ritchie, “So, I’ll leave it at that, if she contacts me, okay, I put the olive branch out there, so,” Ritchie shrugged, “It’s what I can do, what I’m able to do, so, I can just leave it at that for now.”

“I did the same thing, I know she won’t request me though. I guess it was more for my peace of mind,” Ash made a face in being slightly disgusted with himself. His com buzzed in his pocket. Pikachu put their ears back. “And, I need to apologize to Gary.” *Big time…*

“Gary isn’t in the room,” said Ritchie.

“Eh?”

“When I ran to your room, he wasn’t there, only Chimecho was, and they looked like they had seen the 11th circle of hell, they wouldn’t tell us anything other than Gary had gone to see Audino. And I’m like, whaaaaat?”

“How?! Who took him?!”

Clefable double-faced palmed, “You young men are going to give me ulcers.”

“Beats me!” Ritchie threw his arms up in the air, “We know Audino is at the pokemon center, we could, well, I could go see how he’s doing.”

“Do you have a com Love?,” said Clefable, “ If not, you can borrow mine” –

“No, no, I have one, thank-you.”

“Right then,” Clefable clapped their hands together, “One thing at a time! First, let’s get you back into bed Ash.”

Once back at the room, Chimecho may as well have been a stuffed balloon, just hovering near the hospital bed.

“Chimecho? You okay?”

They only ching-a-linged in response.

“Alright, let’s get you tucked in now,” said Clefable, Pikachu snuggling up right with Ash; Sparky jumped up onto Ritchie’s shoulder.

“Alright, I’ll be back, the walking will help clear my head too,” said Ritchie, and he and Sparky left.

Ash’s stomach rumbled, and before he could even begin to tell Clefable to not worry about his appetite, they made all the show for it and went to go get Ash all the food, all of it.

Ash plopped down on the bed, the a/c unit had turned on, the wind lightly blowing around the balloon that was Chimecho. Ash pursed his lips at the apathetic psychic type. Pikachu nuzzled under Ash’s hand, Ash petting his best (pokemon) friend from their head to their tail, “You and Sparky been busy?”

Pikachu playfully fell on their back, “Pi-ka-chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~!”

“I really appreciate my little buddie, honestly, I don’t know how I’m ever going to repay you.”

Ash com buzzed again, “Ah, I should, answer some of these…oops” – Ash decided he’d straight up call Gary after taking care of some chatter. He sent a text to the group line,

Misty: WHY ARE YOU OUT OF BED??????????

Brock: Who’s bed?

Ash: I’m back in bed, please don’t’ worry

Misty: GOOD. STAY THERE. I’M ON MY WAY.

Brock: Ooooooh.

Brock: OH. BAD ASH. BAD BOY.

*Oh hush,* Ash sighed, he saw in the group chat Tracey was trying to get Gary to call him, in fact, Gary hadn’t texted at all, individually or group wise. Ash tapped Gary’s icon and called him.

No answer. He left a voicemail, “Gary, I’m so sorry, I’m back in bed, I didn’t go, sense, got knocked into me, call me back please?” and left it at that. Ash sighed, *He’s very upset with me…*

“Pika?”

“I just ran off…as I typically do…” Ash rubbed his face, an idea popped in his head that sent sparks to his heart. He pulled out his com and searched for nearest flower shop, one being right across the street from the hospital because that’s just good business. He searched their inventory and was happy to see the bouquets offered. “Pikachu, my bestest buddie, can you do me a HUGE favor?”

“Pi-pi-pi!”

“Thank-you, could you go to the flower shop across the street and get two bouquets? They have a bouquet called the ‘Shades of Mt. Silver’, it had all of Gary’s favorite colors, and a bouquet of roses.”

“Pika-pi chu~!”

Ash dug around his things and pulled out some money, “This should cover that and the tip.”

“Chu!”

Ash clasped his hands together, “Thank-you, thank-you so, so, so, so much!”

Pikachu gave Ash some Pika-nuzzles and set off. Ash flopped down back on the bed, he felt his com buzz again, this time, a direct PM from Mary.

Mary: Hey, you got a minuet?

Ash shot up, his fingers couldn’t type fast enough –

Ash: Yes, anything, you okay?

Mary: I know it’s sudden, but could we talk?

Ash: Sure! Call me :)

Mary: I mean in person, I don’t want to make a scene, is anyone with you?

Ash: No, I’m all alone, except for Chimecho, and Misty is coming, but please do come over! I doubt they will mind!

There was a pause, then,

Mary: I’ll be there soon.

#palletshipping #Ash Ketchum #Gary Oak #LOOK ASH DOES SOMETHING FOR HIMSELF WHAAAAAAT

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catlady1986 · 6 years ago

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Guilty Pleasure

Chapters: 2/? Fandom: Final Fantasy XV Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Gladiolus Amicitia/Noctis Lucis Caelum Characters: Gladiolus Amicitia, Noctis Lucis Caelum, Prompto Argentum, Ignis Scientia, background characters Tags: Romance, Secret Relationship, Older/Younger Lovers, Prejudice, Student/Teacher Relationship, more later

Note: This one is longer than the last, had a lot to add to this part. If it comes off as too wordy or doesn’t flow well let me know and I’ll fix it. Also, the rating will go up next chapter. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡ – ✧) Thank you and enjoy!

Previous Next

The sound of his doorbell ringing relentlessly finally annoys Noctis into waking up, grumbling as he slides out of bed. He finds his friends on the other side of his door, them smiling and looking at him with intrigue.

“You both are jerks for ditching me.” Noctis snaps and then yawns.

“Aw, don’t be like that,” Prompto chuckles and slings an arm around his shoulder as they head inside, then gives a wink. “I bet you still had a good time without us there, maybe met someone nice?”

He did, but wait, does that mean-

“I brought you some hotcakes I made this morning.” Ignis says and hands him a Tupperware container.”

“Oh, thanks Iggy.” Noctis grabs a fork and stands against his counter, digging in and looking to his friends, them staring again with intrigue. “What?”

“So tell us, what’d you do after we left? Did you meet anyone new by chance?”

Noctis furrows his brows. His stomach begins to knot and a pang of dejection washes over him. Gladio hadn’t come over to him of his own volition, he was asked to. But something didn’t add up, he hasn’t told his friends yet that his preferences lean towards men. Hell, he just realized only a few months ago after falling hard for a male teacher he assisted. So how and why was Gladio chosen?

The black-haired man sighs while shaking his head then gives them a pointed look before taking another bite. “Yeah, I did. Guess that was your doing?”

“Oh come on bud, don’t be mad. We just wanted you to have some fun.”

“I don’t need you two to set me up on pity dates.”

“I’m sorry Noct. We thought it would help you out.” Ignis says, looking a tad remorseful. “You’re terribly shy and don’t leave our sides when out.”

“Yeah! You get really awkward and standoffish around people” Prompto chimes in.

“Plus she’s a nice young lady, just started as a receptionist at my office.”

Noctis freezes. She? The person they tried hooking him up with was a woman? So then Gladio wasn’t asked to flirt with him. He liked him for himself. This makes Noct grin smugly.

“Huh, guess you guys were wrong about me then.”

“Wait, so you met someone else?” the blonde asks, eyes widening comically. “Dude, who? Was she hot?”

“Not telling.”

“Aw, don’t be a jerk.”

“So you didn’t meet with Jessenia? Oh dear, I’m going to have to write her an apology note then. Maybe some flowers, box of chocolates too.” the glasses-wearing man says and puts a reminder on his phone.

“Come on Noct, don’t leave your bros hanging. Tell us what she was like, did you get her number? Are you two meeting up again.” Prompto asks and nudges his friend.

“Again, not telling.”

Prompto lets out an overblown whine as Ignis goes stonefaced like he’s deep in thought. Then a subtle bit of irritation flashes onto his face before his stoic mask is back on.

“It’s a man, isn’t it?”

“Wha?” Is Prompto’s reaction, looking between his two friends.

Noctis stops eating, his face turning a deep red color and eyes down-turning to the floor. Leave it to Ignis to somehow ass pull the correct assumption even though he’s usually terrible at reading the atmosphere.

He sighs and sets the container down, knowing he’s going to end up losing his appetite after the incoming barrage.

“Yeah.”

“What? Noct are you- Umm- So you're uh.” Prompto stutters before shaking his head, looking slightly hurt at his friend. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I- I really only discovered it recently myself. I thought that maybe it was just a one-time feeling but the guy I met last night, we had a connection. Sorry, I should have said something sooner.”

The blonde smiles and softly knocks his friend in the shoulder with his fist. “It’s all right dude, just next time talk to us about it. Right, Iggy?”

“Uh, yes, sure.” the man says, shifting about then giving a friendly smile. “We will always support you Noct, even if the information is, surprising.”

“Thanks, you guys.”

“So now that is out,” Prompto begins and nudges his friend like before. “what did he look like?”

Noctis chuckles softly. “As cliche as it is he was tall, dark, and handsome. Really nice too, we played pool and chatted for a while.”

“What’s his name? Does he work? Where does he live?” Ignis grills the younger man.

Noct can’t help but roll his eyes. “His name is Gladio, he works at a bookstore, and lives with his parents but is saving money to move out. He said they’re really strict.”

“How old is he?”

“Early to mid-twenties, I believe.”

The sandy-haired man’s eyebrows arch up. “And he lives with his parents still?”

“Iggy, I lived with my dad until I was twenty. Enough with the interrogation.”

“Just worried about you, you don’t know who this young man really is. For all you know he could be a prostitute or a thief preying on naive people.”

“Jeez, thanks Igs.” Noctis huffs. “If he was any of those, wouldn’t he have tried to come home with me last night?”

“That’s true.” Prompto says and gives Ignis a nudge. “Cut him some slack, this guy may actually be genuine and bring our awkward dork out of his shell.”

“Wow, I feel so loved.”

“Very well. So what do you have planned for the day?”

“Pick up my pants and blazer from the dry cleaners. Then I’m going to go over the syllabus’ for my classes tomorrow.”

“I see. Would you like for me to come over then and help you look over it? I can make us dinner?”

“You don’t have to, besides today is your day off since you got dragged in yesterday. Enjoy it and lounge around your apartment, be lazy.”

“That is a waste of time when I could be doing something fruitful.”

“And that is why you got an ulcer.”

Ignis sighs and shakes his head. “Fine, I will try to relax.”

“Well, I think it’s time for me to scoot.” Prompto says and flashes a big smile at his friend. “Congrats buddy, hope things work out for you, I mean it.”

“Thanks, Prompto.”

“I should be leaving as well, need to stop by the grocer, running low on Ebony. Have a splendid day Noct.”

“You too, see ya.”

The two men begin to leave but Ignis stops and turns back around at his friend, staring intently at his face.

“I do hope you plan on shaving, it wouldn’t be professional for you to look unkempt on your first day.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” he says and waives his friend off.

Noctis sighs and leans against his island counter, shaking his head. While it wasn’t how he had planned coming out if it proved to be true, at least it wasn’t as bad as he thought. Although there is still his father. He tosses the container into the sink and looks at his wallet, seeing a white note sticking out of it. Gladio’s number. Should he possibly try to call him? No, he may be in trouble if his parents are as strict as he said and Gladio did say to call him later. He does wonder though if he is all right, he seemed nervous when he said his parents were coming for him. Maybe he should- no, he’ll wait.

So Noct gets going for the day, taking a quick shower, then gets dressed and starts to head out. He glances at the note again, feeling a fluttering sensation in his belly and his chest become tight.

While out, he finds that his mind constantly wanders back to the young man, especially when he catches a glimpse of someone tall with brown hair or hears a deep rumbling laughter. Noct feels ridiculous, like a love-struck teen who can’t wait to see their crush after being away from them for a day. He tries to clear his head however when he arrives at the dry cleaners, he sees a bookstore down the street, remembering that Gladio works at one and should be there. Would it seem stalkerish if he stopped by to see if Gladio worked there?

Throwing caution to the wind, Noctis heads into the bookstore after picking up his items, scouring about but not finding the young man and then learning from a clerk Gladio didn’t work there. A bit downtrodden, he heads back to his car and goes to leave, but stops and looks at his phone. Maybe he could see if there were any other bookstores nearby, he could check them out, see if the young man is there and find out how he is doing.

Well, there is apparently way more bookstores then he initially thought and there was no way he could stop at them all. That would be too stalkerish and a waste of gas. So he decides to just check out the closet ones and if Gladio is not at any of them he’ll just leave it at that. He does really want to see him again though so he hopes for the best. Not at the first, nor the second, or the third. Noctis sighs deeply as he sits outside the fourth, a quaint little bookstore that isn’t like all the chain stores with their bland decorum while trying to be hip with the younger generation.

Noctis heads inside and gets a strong earthy scent along with a hint of flowers; the smell reminds him of Gladio. His heart begins to pound in his chest and he begins trembling from nerves. A female clerk walks by and smiles at him, before greeting the older man.

“Hi, anything I could help you with today?”

“Oh umm, b, by chance is there a uh, a young man named Gladio that works umm here?” he says, trying to act normal and not like a flustered dork.

The young woman gives him a once-over, then goes wide-eyed and smiles. “Just a second.” she says and scurries off to the back.

Noctis can feel his chest tighten, he becomes sweaty and nervous. Then the man steps out from the backroom. It’s like one of those cheesy scenes in the movies where the main character’s love interest enters the room and everything around them freezes while they continue to move, all the attention focused on them. But then Noctis feels his heart drop as Gladio looks at him; he doesn’t look at him with annoyance or disgust, he has a soft smile on his face along with woe. One of his cheeks was bruised and swollen like he had been hit. Despite that, Gladio still gives him that sweet look like he had the night before, making Noctis cheeks heat up.

“Hey, fancy meeting you here.”

“Yeah, I was in the area so I uh stopped in.” Noctis says and chuckles embarrassedly. “See if you by chance worked here.”

“Huh, lucky guess. Must be fate.” Gladio says and flashes a flirty look at the older man.

Noct feels his heart thump rapidly. “Yeah.” He looks up at the young man and smiles before furrowing his brows, reaching his hand up to cup his swollen cheek. “Were you hit?”

“Oh, that? No, I got angry and slammed my door shut, it knocked a plaque I had hanging over the frame down. Dumbass me just stood there and watched it fall before it thwacked me on the face.”

Noctis frowns. He doesn’t believe him, he’d seen similar things and heard similar excuses from kids being abused. But Gladio wasn’t a kid, so it’s not like he could call child services. So he dejectedly lets it go.

“So how badly are you grounded? No tv or phone?”

“No dessert too.” Gladio snorts. “It wasn’t too bad, just a lot of yelling and door slamming. Plus I have to stay at my mother’s on the weekends since my dad is at work and can’t ‘babysit’ me.”

“You really do need to get your own place, that sounds horrible.”

“Yeah, in time.” he says and bites his lip. “So I uh get done in a couple hours, would you maybe wanna get a bite to eat with me?”

“Are you even allowed too?”

“Yeah, my mom lets me have a bit more freedom then my dad does. Plus I usually get something to eat on my way home so if I’m late she doesn’t fuss.”

“Ah, okay. Where would you like to meet up?”

“There’s a diner by the bus stop down a few blocks, that sound good?”

“Yeah, sounds great.” Noctis says and smiles as his cheeks rosy. Then a thought strikes him. “Oh, since you’re staying at your mother’s on the weekend, I can give you my number then.”

“Sure. I can use the house phone so my calls can’t be monitored by my dad.”

Noctis quickly scribbles his number down onto the back of a receipt he had stuffed into his pocket and hands it over, exchanging bashful smiles. They say their goodbyes with Gladio heading back to work and Noct deciding instead of going all the way back home he’ll kill time by putzing around the nearby mall. Maybe he’ll look into some new ties while there.

An hour goes by and his phone begins to vibrate, an unknown number flashing across his screen. He’s apprehensive at first but answers it anyway.

“Hello?”

“Oh! Awesome! So you didn’t give me a fake number.” Gladio chuckles from the other end. “Hey uh, business is kinda slow so Karis is letting me leave early. Wanted to let you know I’m heading over, if you don’t mind eating around five.”

“That’s fine, I’ll stop by and pick you up. I’m over at the mall.”

“Yeah, okay, see you then.”

A wave of giddiness overcomes him. He hasn’t felt this excited since his early twenties when he and his then-girlfriend went out for the first time. That was the last time he dated or felt attracted to a woman. She broke his heart badly. Hopefully, it ends up better this time around.

Noctis finds Gladio waiting outside the bookstore and picks him up, them bantering awkwardly and flirtatiously as they head to the diner. But as they arrive, the younger man’s face goes white, his eyes widen and he bites his lower lip before quickly shifting his large frame out of sight.

“Shit.”

“Gladio? What’s wrong?”

“My fucking stepmother is there with my sister and stepbrothers.”

Noctis furrows his brows and looks through the large windows of the diner, spotting a middle-aged woman with three kids. He looks down at Gladio and catches the slight look of fear and brokenness in his eyes along with his panicked breathing, it making Noct’s stomach turn for some reason he can’t quite put his finger on. Without a word, he puts the car in reverse and drives away but Gladio remains in his hunkered over position, his breathing still frantic. In a move that would send Ignis into a tizzy, he pulls one hand away from the steering wheel and gently touches Gladio’s cheek before petting his hair. This seems to do the trick and his breathing returns to normal before sitting back up with a sigh.

“Gladio?” Noct asks with deep concern.

“Sorry, I have bad anxiety. I was afraid she’d catch us together.”

Noctis looks to him with remorse and gently rests his hand against his face again. “You want to go someplace else or do you want me to drop you off at your mother’s?”

“If, if it’s alright with you,” Gladio begins and turns to look at him, his amber eyes looking harrowed. “could we stop someplace secluded? I want to cool my head before I go home, I’ll give you gas money too.”

“You don’t have to give me money, I’ll do it. I used to take this one kid out for ice cream after school because he didn’t want to go home until his mother got done with work. Found out the neighbor that was watching him had been touching him inappropriately.”

“Ah, you sound like one of those do-gooders you read about it the paper.”

Noctis smiles. “Yeah, I like helping people. Even though I get really shy and flustered at first, I still try my best.”

“Wish there were more people like you out there in the world, maybe it wouldn’t be so rotten.”

Noct quickly glances at Gladio, noticing the pained look on his face. A thought pops into his head that would kill two birds with one stone. “Hey, I live not far from here. Why don’t we stop at my place and I’ll order out. That way you can clear your head.”

A soft blush forms on the brunette's cheeks. “Oh, yeah, that sounds good.”

Noctis continues to drive until he arrives at the carport for his apartment complex, shutting the vehicle off though neither exits right yet.

“Hey, thanks Noctis.” Gladio says and looks over at the black-haired man, smiling fondly. “Seems my gamble going and talking to you last night didn’t end in a mess.” His smile grows into one of teasing. “Or my dead corpse dumped in the river.”

“You thought I could’ve been a serial killer?” Noctis laughs.

“Hmm, people never suspect the cute ones.” Gladio’s eyes half lid as he looks at the older man, a sliver of a pink tongue swiping across his dry lips. “Hey umm, Noct?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I, can I kiss you?”

The thirty-year-old’s heart pounds in his chest and his body begins to tremble. Kiss? He hasn’t kissed anyone in years, not since his girlfriend. Will he still any good at it? Is Gladio teasing him? Is it too soon? Should he say no, that he wants to wait? His mind continues to race, even as his body begins moving on its own, leaning towards the young man who tilts his head.

Their lips brush momentarily before pressing them together in a tender kiss. It feels exhilarating and he wants more. Noctis rests his palms against Gladio’s cheeks, deepening the kiss that becomes needy and carnal, large tan hands gripping him around his waist. Tongues explore about in each other's mouths and dance about together, soft moans escaping out until Noct gasps when he gets cupped through his pants.

Blue eyes stare deeply into brown, both filled with lust, as the two pant quickly and continue to hold each other. Noctis is the first to pull back, opening his door and stepping out but he pulls Gladio with him, then he pins him to the side, capturing his lips once again as the younger man runs his hands down his back before gripping his ass. Noctis pulls back once again, their lips separating and making a loud smack, and takes hold of Gladio’s hand leading him towards the elevator. He has never done anything like this before but the feelings he’s experiencing are intoxicating and he wants more, wants to feel the pleasure of doing something scandalous. Taboo.

#final fantasy xv #my fanfiction #gladnoct #noctis lucis caelum #gladiolus amicitia #older!Noctis #younger!Gladio #Prompto and Ignis make an appearance

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lena-went · 7 years ago

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Un Anno e un Giorno

A YEAR AND A DAY

R: Our new apartment was far more modern than my furniture was. It was very much Frederick’s clean cut, cool tone, marble and stone style. We had known this when we bought the place, but after seeing all of our things inside it looked…odd. A few days after we had settled in with all of our things from the old apartment Frederick returned to Baltimore with a few moving men and returned with all of his things we had been keeping in a storage space, including his grandmother’s piano. We had the space now, God there was so much space. Every time I would walk into a room I would feel myself jump at the view.

Atlas despite being unable to see all the buildings below us would gaze over our shoulders as we carried him and coo when a cloud passed by. He was so responsive to everything, it was incredible to think I had made him, this little human so perfect and darling. 5 weeks old and already I couldn’t remember a life without him. He was Frederick’s boy though, only Frederick could make him squeak and babble. Frederick was just as consumed by him. Every morning I would find them together in one of the window seats of our living room, playing, singing, reading. Of course as Atlas was only 5 weeks old he couldn’t do much in response but it didn’t inhibit Frederick’s praise of him.

“Yes…yes little love you are so smart, do you know that?” Frederick would sweetly say before pressing his face against Atlas’s chubby cheeks.

They had bonded so closely and it was beautiful to watch. Frederick would laugh so happily and heartily that the sound often woke me early in the morning. This particular morning I decided to get out of bed a bit sooner than usual and make myself a cup of coffee and look over some recent files one of the partners at my firm had sent me. I wasn’t starting work for many months yet but they had relentlessly kept in contact with me, reassuring me of their confidence in my abilities and how excited they were for me to “join the team”. I wasn’t naive. Firms like the one I was joining rarely worked as a team, I was entering the world of dog eat dog. I wasn’t naive about why they had hired me so eagerly either. At the risk of sounding narcissistic I was what many scouters called a ‘honey trap’. I had a sweet youthful face but the mind of a seasoned lawyer.

As I read through the file I felt a flow of energy through my veins and it wasn’t the coffee I had been sipping at. I really did love work, I loved being busy. Suddenly I felt for Frederick, wondering if he missed his work as much as I did. He had told me long ago that so much of his life choices were made with uncertainty and rushed impulses, but he had loved being in charge. The responsibility gave him ulcers but the power…well…I had never experienced such fantastic sex.

“Freddy?” I called to him from the kitchen.

“Yes my love?” He responded from where he sat with Atlas against the window.

“Do you miss work?”

“What do you mean?” He asked playfully while moving Atlas’s hands in front of his eyes.

“The hospital, using your degree and knowledge, making an impact on patients lives?” I asked a bit irritated that he wasn’t giving me his full attention.

“I have found more engaging studies at home. OoooO wahh!” He continued to play with Atlas oblivious to my tone.

“I might go back to work early.”

“What?” That caught his attention.

Frederick turned around and gave me a confused look before moving off the window seat and walking hurriedly to where I sat in the kitchen. He bounced Atlas slightly before taking a seat across from me.

“The partners have been sending me files and hundreds of emails. They must really need me.”

“We need you.” Frederick spoke his hand rubbing over the back of Atlas’s white onesie.

“You’ll manage just fine without me. We’ve talked about this, if you feel overwhelmed with being the primary carer then we can start interviewing nannies. One of the female partners gave me a list awhile back, all with glowing recommendations and certifications.”

“No. I think I have proven myself capable of caring for our son.” His tone had turned bitter and I regretted bringing it up again. The first time I had brought up a nanny Frederick had almost cried.

“Of course you have Frederick, you’re an amazing father to our son. He’s never happier than when he’s with you. I just want to make sure you’re happy too.” I tried to back track with reassurances but Frederick had taken offense at the nanny suggestion.

“I tell you everyday how happy I am, how happy you both make me. I just do not understand why you would choose to give that up.” He was hurt but his accusation wounded me as well.

“Frederick I’m not giving up our happiness, I need to feel like I’m doing something again…I miss it, I miss the work.” I tried to explain and reason with him as I gestured widely with my arms.

“Once you start you will not be able to stop, you are going to be busy all the time, there will no longer be time for us.” He lowered his gaze which usual signaled that tears were about to follow.

“Baby, it’s my career, we’re all going to have to make sacrifices…I may not be around as much but that certainly doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I mean Frederick we moved all the way here.”

“I am not upset with that, I knew it was an eventuality. I am hurt that you would choose to start work early, that you would be willing to leave us without requirement.”

I appreciated his honesty but I was frustrated with his lack of empathy to my reasoning.

“Frederick why would you say it like that, I don’t want to leave you, I just want to work again, to put my skills to use. I worked so hard for years, long before I met you, to get to where I am today.”

He stood and left the kitchen taking our son with him. I rolled my eyes and returned to reading the documents inside the file but before I knew it he was in front of me again without Atlas. He reached for my hand and I relinquished it begrudgingly still frustrated.

“Do you love me?” He asked his voice small and expression soft.

“Frederick…” I warned, tired of his dramatics.

“Answer me please.”

“Yes I love you.” I responded softer, but still with a slight tinge of annoyance.

“Then stay with me. Do not leave.”

“Frederick I’m not leaving, we’re talking about me going to work.”

“A year. You promised me a year. Us and our son, you promised.” He spoke his voice shaking slightly as he shook his head back and forth.

“Frederick…”

“We can take a class, go to events, anything. Please I just need you, all of you for a while longer.”

“Freddy you’re not losing me, I’m always going to be there for you. You and the baby come first, you always will.” I promised giving his hand a reassuring squeeze.

“Please wait then, please.” His begging was heartbreaking and the look on his face made my stomach drop.

“Come here.”

He rounded the bar and stood at my side as if awaiting instruction.

“Kiss me.” I spoke my lips only centimeters from his.

He complied after lifting a strand of hair from my face with his large fingers. His kiss was cautious and gentle but too short for my liking. I pulled him back to me and wove my hand up the nape of his neck into his thick hair. His arms found my back and drug me flush against him causing me to slip from the barstool. I wrapped my legs around his lower back and he folded over me but did not fall, rather he hoisted me higher before carrying me towards our bedroom.

As we fell onto the bed together he lifted himself above me despite me trying to pull him closer.

“Please…wait…in a year I will be ready. Please.” He still looked more confident now despite his lips being swollen from my kisses and his hair mussed from the wild motions of my hands.

“I’ll think about it.” I was displeased that my distraction had failed.

“Please.”

“Frederick I said I’ll think about it.” I ran my hands up and down under his t-shirt trying to bring him to lie on top of me.

He sighed and lifted himself fully from where he had hovered above me and moved to leave the bedroom.

“Where are you going?” I asked incredulously.

“To check on our son.” He couldn’t hide his own smirk as he turned back towards me and raised an faux innocent eyebrow.

“Are you serious, you’re using sex as a bargaining chip now?” I called after him as he left the room.

“It has always worked for you.” He called back and I felt my face heat with a combination of the state he had left me in and the truth of his words.

This boy had seriously underestimated my ability to seduce. Seducing Frederick had always been easy, he was such an eager little mongoose. If he thought what he had seen in the past was me bargaining…he had no idea what wheel he had just set in motion.

Ok Mr. Chilton…let’s play.

Not to worry these two are glued at the hip and will do anything for each other. My advice is to prepare yourself for the saucy chapters ahead. Welcome to fluff city, population: I’m sorry, altitude: I’m writing these off the cuff now, anything can happen.

#frederick chilton x reader #frederick chilton #frederick chilton series #raul esparza #fanfic #atlas chilton #fluff #hannibal #ao3fic #lena-went #thank you all for reading #thank you always #and a happy new year

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kpopfanfictrash · 7 years ago

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Fevered

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: You / Baekhyun

Rating: PG

Warning: Descriptions of Lupus

Word Count: 6,926

Summary: Lately, it seems that all your time is spent in and out of hospitals. A dreary place, even in the best of times. Until you meet him. [Genre: fluff]

For Maddie, the bravest girl I know 💕

The concept of language is a strange one.

Syllables, letters, phrases which, once strung together, form meaning. Not just any meaning – they become something. Something tangible, intangible, felt or seen. Words oftentimes become more than the thing itself. If you’ve never experienced death, how are you told? Through words. If you’ve never seen a country before, how is it explained? Through articles, websites, books and research.

Oh, there are other ways. I can show you a photograph, send you a video, make a facial expression or movement but overall – our first instinct is to explain. We reach for words like a shield, a crutch, a leg to stand on. Words are the face we show the world, the mask we wear when we don’t know how to be seen.

Words only go so far, though. I can tell you the name of my disease. I can say I have systematic lupus erythematosus and you’ll return the words I give you with blank, confused eyes. You’ll look instead at my body, trying to spot the malformity. Trying to see where I’m hurt, calculate mentally if I’m living or dying. You’ll ask yourself am I treatable, am I curable, will I die?

I know all this, since those were my first questions as well.

The answers were, in order: yes, no and yes, again.

I remember my eyes widening, until my doctor looked up and said, “We all die, Y/N. My job is to prolong that moment as long as possible.”

It was a lot to think about, at the age of seventeen. But then again, most of the time I don’t feel my age. That’s another place where words fail me. The word for how old I am is seventeen but I’ve lived with realities, concepts that most seventeen-year olds are blissfully ignorant of. Instead of attending Homecoming, I spent the night of September 25th bed-ridden in the hospital. My kidney was inflamed and the doctors didn’t know why. Didn’t know how to stop the pain, just to treat it.

Or more recently, the Christmas tree lighting ceremony, one I couldn’t attend because of severe fatigue and joint pain. I remember feeling like I was drowning, each breath a marathon and I remember tears pricking my eyes as I turned to face the couch. Burying my head in scratchy fabric and wishing I would die. I instantly took it back, although I wondered if there’s some sort of moratorium on how many times I can think things like that. How many times I can feel sorry for myself, before someone upstairs says ‘enough.’

It’s moments like that when I feel guilty, because at least my disease is treatable. There are others I’ve met here who aren’t. With Lupus, the first year after diagnosis is the worst. I’m smack dab in the middle of my twelve-month hell, still struggling to gather my symptoms under control. I’m in and out of the hospital a lot, due to a variety of pains and maladies.

One time it was my esophagus which was swollen, weighing me down with acid reflux and heartburn. Another time it was the anti-inflammatory drug’s I was taking which caused a stomach ulcer, turning into a rupture. Sometimes I’m stuck here for days, sometimes it's just a few hours. A mix of check-ups, treatments and daily tests which become a blur. One day turns into the next, one bed bleeds into another.

It’s all the same, a long wash of words and bleach – only broken by the continual change of seasons. Today it’s winter. The Christmas tree lighting ceremony was three weeks ago, it’s now the afternoon of December 21st. Everyone around me is abuzz for the holidays, excited by the prospect of friends, of family and I’m just sitting here wondering if I’ll get to go home at all.

At least today I’m off the IV. For a few hours, until the nurses are able to affirm my vitals are stable. I take the opportunity to get myself dressed. To pull on a fuzzy, navy sweater and my favorite jeans, slip out into the hall.

The wing is busy, like it usually is during the winter. Busy enough that no one notices my exit. No one but my day nurse, who smiles and winks, pointedly looking the other way. She knows I’ve been going stir crazy. Knows there’s no immediate harm in me getting a cup of coffee. I know that someone would get me the cup, were I to ask but sometimes I just need to be in control of myself.

Not a doctor, not my parents, not my pills or surgeries or treatments.

Just me.

My steps are soft walking through the halls. There’s a staircase behind the children’s wing where I like to sit. No one really comes down this way, since the stairs are narrow and there are better ways to get down. It’s where I sit now though, wanting just a few minutes to myself.

My room is quiet. This is true, but it’s the wrong kind of quiet. It’s the absence of noise, the presence of waiting. The slow tick of time, long moments of uncertainty and confusion. Buzzing machines, coughing patients. Rattling breath and beeping monitors. Here is different, here there's actual peace.

The snowflakes drift down outside my window. Falling to the ground in lazy patterns, landing on the pane before being licked away by the heat. I stare past them, wondering if each is truly unique. If each one has its own pattern, its own shape. They melt away before I can see. I sit this way, nose inches away from my window when the door opens behind me.

I don’t move. Not at first.

Instead I sit, wondering which is worse: if the person walks past, sees me here and I don’t look – or if they walk past, I turn and we make eye contact. In the first, they might think me rude for ignoring them. In the second, they’d see my face.

A throat clears, loud in the stairwell. No longer having an option, I turn.

He’s looking straight at me, brow perplexed by my presence. I don’t recognize him, which is odd – I’ve been here so often this year. He only looks this way for a moment before moving, bouncing haphazardly down the steps. The boy comes to a stop and I see he looks about my age – maybe a year or so older. His hair is blonde and sticks up in the back, though his eyes are a soft, warm brown. He’s dressed all in pink, scrubs from the pediatric ward which mark him as a volunteer.

I’m suddenly glad I don’t have my IV in. Besides being around my age and dressed the way he is, the guy is also very, very cute.

A smile breaks out across his face. “What are you doing?” he asks, gaze moving past to the falling snow. “Trying to catch a snowflake? Best of luck, hard to do inside.”

I push myself upwards, dusting my hands off on the seat of my pants. “That’s not what I was doing,” I frown.

“No?” His eyes meet mine. “Then what?”

I open my mouth, and the first words I think of are the truth. But this sticks in my throat, caught in hesitancy and fear. He’s cute. This guy is cute, healthy and very obviously works here. I’m sick.

Instead of answering, my gaze moves sideways.

“Are you visiting?’” he prompts, forcing my eyes to his.

Mutely, I nod. The lie happens before I can think about it, before I can clarify or take it back. My cheeks are red, I feel their feverish flush upon my skin. Noticing, the guy slowly reaches out to the window. He lets his hand acclimatize for a moment before abruptly pulling away.

Softly, he brings his hand to my forehead.

My eyes widen, staring at him. If anything, I think my fever increases.

He smiles at my response. “I’m Baekhyun,” he says by way of introduction, cold fingers still pressed to my forehead. “It’s nice to meet you. Sorry about the hand, you looked kind of flushed.”

“Y/N,” I supply, still staring. “I’m Y/N.”

“Nice to meet you, Y/N.”

A moment passes, though it feels like longer and I gently remove myself from his grasp. “Thank you,” I say quietly. “I’m feeling better.”

Baekhyun’s grin widens. “Are you? Amazing! I’ll put this on my resume. December 21st,” he nods, brow furrowed. “I touched a girl’s forehead and cured her if fever. Thanks,” he smiles. “With this, I’ll definitely be accepted to college as pre-med.”

“You’re a senior?” I ask, scanning his features. Senior year is the last before university, same as me. Baekhyun looks older than that, though maybe it’s just the way he holds himself. The way he speaks now – full of life and confidence.

Baekhyun nods happily. “Yep. Just finished applying to colleges, so I’m hoping this volunteer thing puts me over the edge. Not that I don’t enjoy it,” he adds, shaking his head. “I love emptying bedpans and copying paperwork.”

I laugh without meaning to. “Sounds exhilarating.”

Baekhyun grins back. “It’s not the most fun thing in the world but hey, everyone starts out at the bottom. I’m happy to do it,” he adds earnestly, “if it means I can help others later.”

I stare back, bewildered. “You want to be a doctor?”

Baekhyun nods. “More so than anything else.”

“Oh,” I exhale, looking away.

Baekhyun pauses. “I’ll admit,” he sounds as though he’s struggling not to laugh. “That’s the first time anyone has ever been disappointed hearing that.”

“Sorry,” I flush. My eyes lift, wandering the curve of his jaw, the gentle slant to his eyes. “It’s just I know the doctors here. I see them enter and see them leave, and I see them heavy with the toll of the day. Everything,” I sigh, echoing what my doctor once said, “is just a prolongation of death.”

“Hm.” Baekhyun’s lips purse. “I see.”

He continues to look though, long enough for me to grow self-conscious. “What is it?” I ask, hand rising automatic to my face.

“Nothing.” Baekhyun shrugs, tucking his shirt into his scrubs. “It’s just – I understand your point of view. I understand, but I guess you just never know what year will be someone’s best.”

I blink back at him. “What?”

“You know,” Baekhyun grins, hands falling to his sides. “That year when someone figures out their purpose, discovers a cure, writes a favorite book – it could happen at any time, any year. It’s my goal to make sure people reach that point.”

I stare at him for a long moment, then cock my head. “Hm,” I turn. My steps are light on the stairs, the only sound in otherwise silence.

Baekhyun laughs, and I hear his footsteps follow. “What is it?” he asks, catching up slightly breathless.

I look up, surprised he followed. Surprised to find him looking at me that way, alight with interest. “Well,” I push open the door. “I guess I never thought about that.”

Baekhyun grabs the door, holding it open as I step outside. “For someone who sees the weight of the doctors so clearly,” Baekhyun smiles, bending closer. His irises are warm, honey gold. “I’m surprised.”

“By what?” I ask, face startlingly close to mine.

Baekhyun arches a brow. “Why do you think those doctors keep coming back, day after day? Why do you think they continue to enter?”

I shrug.

“Because,” he smiles, “We’re all narcissistic, egotistical god complexes with a fervent desire to save. And every time we do, it’s worth the pain.”

Though he’s half-joking, there’s a note of truth to his words. Being a doctor is painful, yes. Seeing people hurt, injured, dying is hard, yes. But there are moments of light. Moments of blinding, brilliant light which bring a joy unlike any other occupation.

“I suppose you’re right,” I allow.

The words feel like sandpaper, though. My heart races, both at Baekhyun’s proximity and the sweeping want in my veins – because I want what he speaks of. I want to not wake up and wonder if each morning is the day I return to these halls. If each day is the day my medicine fails, or stops being enough. If I’ll fall asleep in my own bed that night or the hospital. Baekhyun’s words are hopeful, but it’s a hope I’m not accustomed to.

My eyes flick to his. “Thanks,” I smile, taking a step around him.

Baekhyun’s hand touches my wrist, and I look up. “Who are you visiting?” Then his eyes widen. “I’m so sorry, that was intrusive. You don’t have to answer.”

I look down at his slender fingertips, wrapped around my skin. He touches so casually, as though he doesn’t know the fever which racked my frame yesterday. The rash still spread beneath my shoulders. He acts as though he doesn't know even now, my joints ache. He touches me like this because he doesn’t know.

If Baekhyun knew I was sick, I know exactly how he’d react. Pity first, staining his gaze like tears. Brimming to overflow in stammered apologies and words. He’d take a step back, hurried and unconscious. As though to create a bubble, a space where my disease can reside untouched.

My gaze finds his face. “My sister,” I say, though I have none.

Baekhyun nods. “Well. I hope I don’t see you again.” He winces. “That’s not what I meant. I meant to say I hope to see you again – but then I caught myself. How awful, to wish to see you again in a hospital. Ah,” Baekhyun’s hand falls from my arm, expression pained.

Though I try and stop myself, I can’t help but smile. Now it’s Baekhyun who looks feverish. I wish my hands were colder, so I could return his favor. Instead, I smile. “We might see each other outside the hospital,” I take a step around him. “Who knows?”

As I walk away, my heart pounds. It races through my veins, spiked with adrenaline. There’s no medical cause for it, no reason but Baekhyun himself – whose chuckle follows me as I turn a corner. Whose smile burns, pressed against my mind. As I pass the next window, I have a sudden feeling of affirmation.

At least some snowflakes must be one of a kind. For I cannot imagine another like Baekhyun.

I’m discharged later that day. Just the usual paperwork and scheduling before I’m sitting in the passenger seat, watching my mom drive the two of us home. I lean my head against the window, recalling the touch of his skin upon my brow. It’s enough to not hear my name called several times.

“Y/N!”

On the third attempt, my mom’s voice breaks through and I jerk around. “What?” I ask, eyes wide and confused. “What?”

My mom frowns, looking at the road. “You weren’t answering. Please,” she exhales, gaze soft. “Answer, if you can hear.”

Guilt enters my stomach and I nod. What may seem like a small annoyance is cause for real worry. There’ve been days, there’ve been mornings when I was too sick to answer. If my mom needs to turn around right now, she needs to know.

“Sorry,” I mutter, leaning my head against the pane. “I was thinking of something else.”

My mom’s eyebrows shoot up. “Oh? Like what?”

I shrug, remembering Baekhyun’s face. His smile. His dark eyes, turning lighter at the center. “Nothing.”

“Nothing?” My mom arches a brow. “Or no one?”

My head whips around so fast, I crick my neck. “What?” I ask, vaguely alarmed. “Why would you ask me that?”

My mom chuckles at my reaction. “Oh, honey. I know you’re bummed about missing the Christmas tree lighting ceremony with your friends. You don’t have to hide that sort of thing from me – I know it’s hard.”

Exhaling, I slide down further in my seat. “Oh.” I nod, looking out the window. “Right, that.”

It seems as good an excuse as any. I don’t want to tell my mom the truth – not about this. Normally, I tell her everything. For a mother and daughter, we’re actually quite close. Not with things like this, though. Not with boys and my disease and the messy intersection of both. It’s never been a problem before this, since prior to today, I never really gave it much thought.

Okay, that’s not true.

I thought about it a lot, but never had a reason to voice my fears out loud. Every teenager feels insecure. It’s wired in our DNA, bred into our make-up. Every teenager is surprised when they first discover they’re not alone in this. The moment they first see that other girl has a pimple. Or the guy, slouched like he doesn’t give a shit, is concealing an awkward surprise popped up at the beginning of Trigonometry.

With my disease though, I’m truly alone. At least in my world, I am. There’s no one sick like I am – not my friends, not my family. None of them truly know what I go through. My disease makes me alien, foreign and the thing about feeling alone is you imagine it will always be that way. It’s hard to think of someone understanding, hard to imagine someone wanting to. I know my mom does, my dad does – but that’s only because they must. Only because I’m they’re daughter and they’re stuck with me.

My friends try and understand, to the extent that they can. They understand I can only eat certain things, that I stay out of the sun and spend a lot of time in the hospital. They understand my symptoms, but not my disease. These things could be true of many things besides Lupus, though – if I were a vampire, for instance. They also have a strict diet, tend to avoid sunlight and they too, spend time around bags of blood.

My friends don’t understand being sick – not in the way that I am. It’s hard to truly empathize. I say this because I remember. I remember before getting sick, remember feeling the same way. There was a guy in sophomore year who was in a coma, which I felt sad about, but also relieved. Relieved that it wasn’t me, and then instantly guilty for thinking that. Experience is a funny thing, in retrospect.

Staring out my window, the snow has lessened. It’s just a flurry now, barely sticking when we pull into our driveway. Turning off the car, my mom looks over. “Okay,” she grins. “Look! You were worried about being home in time for the holidays, and here we are!”

I glance at the yard. “Yep,” I manage to smile. “Home, sweet home.”

“Anyways,” my mom pulls her key from the ignition. “I thought we’d go Christmas shopping tomorrow. How does that sound?”

“Great, mom,” I unbuckle my seat belt. “Really,” I add, since it does sound nice. It sounds nice but it also sounds like another loud, festive place where if I faint – it would be highly embarrassing.

I’m sure my mom sees but doesn’t comment, reaching instead to grab her bag. I know full well what she wants to say, what she’s thinking. She wants to say I can’t forget to live. I can’t let my disease win. This, of course I counter by saying I’m not letting my disease win – merely letting it score a point.

Ultimately, I know I’ll end up agreeing – which is why I don’t argue. Instead I unbuckle my seat belt and slip out of the car. The wind is cold and I wrap my coat tight enough to bruise. I’m thinner now, thinner than I once was. Some people at school had the indecency to point this out, speaking to me as though it’s a compliment.

“Oh, Y/N,” a girl named Susie crooned. “That crop top looks so good on you. I wish I could pull that off, but look,” she exhaled, pinching the non-existent fat around her waist. “Love handles. You’re so lucky.”

I almost didn’t know how to respond. “Yes,” I said dryly, narrowing my gaze. “So lucky. Want to trade places?”

It was then that she blushed, stammering something about needing to meet friends as she walked away. Her words still echo in my mind, though. As I enter my home and remind myself it’s true – I am lucky. I’m lucky, my disease can be controlled. Lucky, I’m home before Christmas. Lucky, to have parents who support and love me.

Lucky, lucky, lucky.

I tell myself this all the way to my room, tell myself as I shut my door.

The next morning dawns bright and clear, the snowstorm of yesterday come and gone. It deposits four inches on the ground overnight, vanishing without a trace. The sky overhead is bright, not a cloud as we drive out to the mall. My dad chooses to sit this trip out, bringing his newspaper higher when my mom asks him to come. In response he grunts something about cooking dinner for three – and that it'll take all day.

When I laugh, dropping a kiss to my dad’s forehead, he squeezes my hand in response. He’s been resolutely normal throughout all of this, something I can’t thank him enough for. Before my disease, there’s no way he would have come on this shopping trip. Had he joined in, I’d know it’s because I’m sick. Not that I blame my mom – she worries, which manifests externally. Each of them have their own way of coping.

“Plows came early,” my mom notes, scanning the road ahead.

Nodding, I fiddle with my mittens on my lap. “Yep.”

Instead of continuing the conversation, my mom turns up the volume. Music filling the car and I start to sing. My mom joins in – voice horribly off pitch, making me giggle. Taking my mind off the day ahead, until we enter the mall. I fall silent, retreating within myself as we drift between stores. I touch but don’t buy, gaze tracing each item with a strange sort of detachment. I don’t know what to ask for this Christmas. Don’t know, because what I truly want is at once too simple and impossible.

After nearly an hour, my mom glances over. ‘Here,” she sighs, pushing money towards me. “Why don’t you get some coffee?”

Nodding, I close my hand around the bills. “Okay, I will.”

Oakbrook mall is outdoors – which is fun in the summertime, overall sucky in winter. Today is no exception, the wind gusting while I make my way to the Starbucks. Wrapping my scarf tighter, burying my head into my coat. As I enter the shop, a bell chimes, the sound lost on everyone but me, who stands directly beneath it. The shop is crowded, I allow the sound of laughter to wash over me as I step inside.

Letting the door fall shut behind me, I join the line. Pulling out my phone and scrolling through various apps, waiting for the register to open.

“Hey.”

I jump, startled by his voice. Turning around, I find Baekhyun. Standing with his hands buried deep in his pockets, grinning from ear to ear.

“Well,” he shakes his head, smile uncontainable. “What do you know? We meet again.”

“Baekhyun?” I don't know why I ask. I know that it's him.

“It’s me,” Baekhyun smiles, stepping closer. “I’m here to buy you coffee. If that’s okay?” he adds, glancing sideways.

Before I can stop myself, I nod. “That would be nice.”

A half-smile lifts his lips. Baekhyun doesn’t speak, content to just stand there. Body beside mine, while I let his warmth wash over me. Our arms don't touch, but it’s enough for me to feel him. Enough for his heat to wrap my frame, blaze straight through me. I keep glancing over, catching myself before our eyes can meet.

Baekhyun steps up to the counter. “One medium, dark roast coffee. Room for cream and sugar. Y/N?” he asks, glancing back over his shoulder.

“I, uh – same,” I blink.

Same? I’ve never had dark roast in my life. Hell, I don’t even drink regular coffee – when I say I'm getting coffee in the hospital, it’s really just an excuse to get hot chocolate. At Starbucks I always get the most sugary, unthinkable drink imaginable. A s’mores Frappuccino recently, one with extra whipped cream and double the chocolate.

Baekhyun raises an eyebrow but nods, paying for both cups. When they’re handed to him, he heads towards the table containing cream and sugar. Looking up, he pauses half a second before holding out a cup.

I take it gingerly, staring uncertainly at the lid.

Baekhyun starts to laugh at my expression. “You don’t normally drink coffee like this, do you?”

Shaking my head, I try and keep from blushing. “No.”

Baekhyun laughs, one hand covering his mouth. “Why did you ask for my order, then?”

Shrugging, I reach past him. Grabbing at least four sugars to dump in my drink. “I thought I’d try something different,” I mutter, adding a generous dose of half and half to stir vigorously. After taking a small sip, my nose wrinkles.

“Well?” Baekhyun watches my expression. “What’s the verdict?”

I raise my cup to eye level. “This would be better with chocolate.”

Baekhyun laughs out loud, delighted by my answer. “A sensible opinion.” After placing a single packet of sugar into his cup, Baekhyun raises it also to his lips. “Ah,” he sighs, inhaling. “Heaven.” Then he drinks

I watch, visibly appalled. “To each his own.”

Turning away, I notice how warm the shop has become. Lifting a hand to my brow, it comes back damp with sweat and suddenly alarmed, I pull off my other mitten. Touching my brow once more, watching the same thing happen. It’s suddenly hard for me to breathe, though I previously attributed this to the stuffiness of the shop and being so close to Baekhyun.

Maybe not.

My dizzinessis is growing, full-on fever blooming and I swallow, turning back to face Baekhyun. “Baekhyun,” I mumble, hands fisted tightly around my coffee. “I need to go.”

He seems confused. “Right now?”

I nod, quicker than I meant to. “Yeah, I – I uh, promised my mom I’d be right back. I don’t want her to worry.”

Though Baekhyun seems uncertain, he nods. “Okay. Will you –"

I’m already backing away though. His words ring in my ears, utterly distant and it’s hard to think of anything but the nausea. Pain lancing through me, as I push open the door. I’m aware that I’m running – or moving as fast as I can, given how badly my head spins. How much my legs drag, stumbling. When I finally find my mom in Macy’s, I grab awkwardly at her coat. “Mom,” I shake my head. “Mom.”

One look, and my mom’s arm is tightening around me. “Let’s go,” she mutters, supporting me as we walk from the store. “It’s okay, let’s go.”

It’s hard to breathe, and I close my eyes for the rest of the ride home.

The next day, I return to the hospital.

“Just in case,” my mom says, practically shoving me into the car. This, despite the fever having broke mere hours after returning home. “Better safe than sorry,” she chirps.

My eyes narrow and I let her see – I hate when she uses that phrase.

Staring out the window, I allow myself to be driven. I still feel weak. More than slightly, if I’m being honest with myself. Though the fever is gone, it’s taken something from me. I couldn’t make it through one conversation. Couldn’t get through one conversation with the boy I like before this damn disease interfered.

Now, I sit before my doctor. Now, I can’t breathe, because the word immunosuppressants is being tossed around. My mom debates with her while I sit here, motionless on the doctor’s table before them. Wondering if I get a say, if I get the opportunity to say no. To say I’m scared, that my first bedmate in this hospital was on immunosuppressants and it was horrible to watch. Things didn’t work out so well for her.

I know not everyone is the same and this doesn’t mean they wouldn’t work for me but still – I bury my face in my hands.

No one notices.

It’s eventually decided we’ll keep my current treatment as is for now. It’s too soon to see if switching the drugs would make things better. I’m feeling okay, so the doctor agrees I can go home.

It's as we leave that I see him. Baekhyun. December 23rd, and he’s sitting alone in the middle of the pediatrics wing. Cross-legged on the floor, as a six-year old climbs all over him. She’s screeching with glee, and Baekhyun grabs her to tickle her ribs.

It’s strange, watching him this way. As I drift past, blending in behind my mom, I’m aware that I'm frowning. Baekhyun doesn’t have the bubble most people do. He knows these children are sick, knows they’re not well and yet – he tickles her. There’s no room between him and the girl, no separation his skin and hers.

Outside, I wait for my mom to go get the car. Staring out into space, still puzzling over Baekhyun when he steps beside me.

“So,” Baekhyun raises his brows. “I thought we weren’t going to meet at the hospital anymore.”

Just the corner of my mouth lifts. “Hoping isn’t the same thing as reality.”

“No,” Baekhyun agrees, staring out at the parking lot. “It’s not.”

He falls quiet. Silent for so long that I look sideways. “Is there something wrong?”

Baekhyun’s looksback at me. “Y/N,” he says, taking a deep breath. “Will you go out with me?”

I’m momentarily taken aback. “I – what?”

Baekhyun smiles, sticking his hands in both pockets. “I’m scared I wasn’t direct enough. You left so quickly the other day, I couldn't get the words out. Which is why I’m asking now – do you want to go to the movies with me tonight?”

“Tonight?” I squeak. “I – uh.”

My mom’s car comes into view. I can practically hear her words, driven into my body. Don’t be afraid, don’t let my disease win. Contrary to her opinion though, I have this nagging uncertainty inside me. The one which sees her optimism and knows it's misplaced. Baekhyun only knows a certain version of myself. He thinks I’m healthy. Thinks I’m a doting sister, normal high schooler who goes shopping with her mom, who waits for cars outside hospitals.

Baekhyun doesn’t know the true Y/N. He doesn’t know about the tubes, the tests, the constant barrage of doctors. He doesn’t know the weight on my shoulders, the uncertainty I face every time I enter these doors. Baekhyun enters the hospital voluntarily, it’s his job to do so. I enter because I must, because I have to – a very distinct separation

The true Y/N is someone no high schooler wants to deal with – not unless they’re also sick.

I turn from him. “I wish that I could,” I hesitate, not daring to meet Baekhyun’s gaze – I can’t do that, or I’ll cave. “I’m going out of town tonight. For the holidays,” I add.

Though Baekhyun’s face falls, he nods. “Alright. I understand.”

My mom’s car pulls up to the curb, and I tug my coat tighter. “Bye,” I say quietly, not looking back at him. “Happy holidays, Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun nods, his eyes following mine as I walk away. “Happy holidays,” he says softly.

Allison: You’re coming with tonight, right? [4:56 PM]

Rolling over in bed, I check my phone. Exhaling at my best friend’s text.

Y/N: coming to what? [4:58 PM]

Allison: the movies!! Remember, we talked about this before school let out? I miss you. Please come :( [5:01 PM]

I sit for a second, debating. On the one hand, I’m very comfortable right now. Which is rare. On the other – it’s been so long since I’ve seen my friends. The next two days I’ll be spending with family, so this is the one time I’d get to see Allison and the rest. Releasing a breath I didn’t know I was holding, I type back.

Y/N: Okay, fine. What time? [5:03 PM]

Allison: YAY! Movie at 7:30 PM. Don’t be late [5:05 PM]

Rolling over, I stare up at the ceiling. For some reason, Baekhyun’s words come to mind. You never know what might be your year. I am alive. I am here – this could be my year. Smile breaking over me, I look at my phone. I can do this. Just because I was sick yesterday doesn’t mean I will be today.

I push aside my covers.

The movie isn’t great. This turns out to be a good thing, since Allison and I spend most of the time laughing in the back. Quoting lines before they happen, giggling about how cliché the dialogue is. Our friend Robbie cackles, so loud that people start to shush us below. Ariel throws popcorn at them, and we’re very nearly kicked out. By the end, I’m unable to control myself. Unable to help, as Allison leads me outside. Helping not because I’m sick, but because I’m laughing so hard, it’s difficult to stand upright.

It’s nice, feeling alive again. In the lobby everyone lingers. Talking until it gets too late and people start to disappear to their cars or parents. I’m one of the lame ones whose mother drove them. It’s easier this way, since I never know when I’ll faint. Allison is the last to leave. She waits as long as she can before checking her phone. “Ten thirty,” she blanches. “I have to go, or my parents will kill me.”

I nod, giving her a hug. “It’s fine,” I smile. I mean it. “Go on. My mom is nearly here.”

Grinning, Allison pushes her hair behind one ear. “This was fun,” she sighs. “I missed you.”

Fighting back my answering smile, I nod as well. “I missed you, too.”

After one more hug, she’s gone. Waving before disappearing between cars. I’m left staring after, until a familiar blond head comes into view. The sight makes my mouth go immediately dry.

Baekhyun stares. His eyes are wide, hands stuck deep in his pockets and I know that he’s seen me. Know that he’s seen when he looks down at his watch, then back up as though calculating when I could have arrived, how long is left to the day and whether there’s still enough time for me to drive to my family’s house. I watch it click for him. Watch realization dawn, hurt clear across his features.

Baekhyun swallows, and I watch him turn – and upon seeing this, something inside me snaps. “Baekhyun!” I call, unable to keep myself from running. My heart pounds against my ribcage, hand waving frantically. “Wait!”

He’s already walking though, already shoving his way through the crowd. He must have driven, since he’s heading straight for the parking lot. Tugging keys from his jacket pocket to click hastily.

“Baekhyun!” I call. I’m gaining on him. He’s not running, clearly not wanting to give me the satisfaction – but I’m flat out sprinting. Heart pounding, breath shallow as my vision swims. “Baekhyun,” I gasp, grabbing his elbow to face me.

Baekhyun reluctantly meets my gaze. “Y/N,” he says, mouth a thin line. “It’s okay. You don’t have to explain.”

“But I do,” I blurt, eyes wide. “This isn’t what it looks like.” As I speak, I start to cough. Fuck. I need to tell him, need to say something – but my body is weak. I’m still tired from yesterday, stressed from the long day and everything just refuses to cooperate.

Baekhyun doesn’t seem to notice, looking past. “It’s really okay, Y/N. You don’t want to date. That’s fine, you could have just said that.”

I’m shaking though, world spinning. “No, no – it’s not that.”

“Oh?” Baekhyun’s gaze cuts to mine, suddenly angry. “Then what?”

“I,” I swallow stepping forward.

I think I mean to touch his arm, think I try to make him see but somehow, I miss. My hand slides through air, feet losing balance beneath me. I’m aware I’m falling, aware I’m dropping when Baekhyun’s eyes widen. I think he says something, but I can barely hear. Can barely hear anything besides the beating of my own heart.

Thud. Thud.

Then black.

I awake to steady beeping.

I’m still drowsy, which is reassuring in a way it probably shouldn’t be. Slowly, I crack open an eye. This immediately shuts – an then opens once more but still, the hallucination holds.

Baekhyun sits in the armchair beside me.

Groggily, I push myself up. Slowly scanning the room, taking in my usual hospital bed. Smelling the rubbery, bleach scent of the floors. Feel the rough, cloth nightgown beneath my fingertips. The IV threaded through the vein in my right hand. All of which is normal – except for Baekhyun. He sits sprawled out, legs collapsed and mouth open. Every so often he snores, a gentle noise to which I raise my eyebrows.

I’ve woken up like this a million times, but never with anyone here but my parents. My mom is nowhere to be seen though, just Baekhyun.

It’s then that his eyelids flutter, and he sees me looking. Baekhyun jerks upright. “Y/N,” he gasps, gaze sleepy. He scoots forward, hands reaching for mine. “You’re okay.” Baekhyun’s eyes are bloodshot, scanning my face. “I mean, I knew that you were, the doctors said so. It just – I wanted to see for myself.”

I can't think of anything to say. It all seems like a dream. A strange, weirdly comforting one where I stare down at his hand, clasped in mine on top of the bedspread. “What – what are you doing here?”

Baekhyun exhales. “I was there when you fainted, Y/N,” he explains. “I called the ambulance. Your mom and I drove with you to the hospital. She’s talking to the doctor now,” he adds, with a glance at the door. “I can get her if you’d like.”

“No,” I shake my head, staring at his hand. “It’s okay.”

Baekhyun seems to relax, gaze softening. “Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice is quiet.

Rather than look directly at him, I stare at the sheets. “I didn’t want,” I hesitate, trying to think of how to put this. “I didn’t want you to take a step backwards.” When Baekhyun doesn’t respond, I look upwards. “I didn’t want you to give me that look, the one people get when they know I’m sick.”

Baekhyun’s gaze remains steady. “Y/N.” His voice is low, intense. “Am I taking a step back?”

I shake my head. No.

“Am I looking at you differently?” Baekhyun’s thumb brushes my own.

I look at his fingers, wrapped in mine. It’s the first time I’ve held my breath like this. The first time someone has held my hand this way, clasped as though they’re afraid to let go. My gaze lifts to his. “No.”

“Then,” Baekhyun exhales, leaning forward. “Will you believe me when I say I like you?”

Unthinkingly, my tongue wets my lips. “Why, though?”

Baekhyun arches a brow. “Why?”

I nod. “Why do you like me?”

When he leans back, Baekhyun takes my hand with. He settles this onto his lap, over his knee. “When we first met, I thought you were selfless. Visiting your sister, feeling so deeply. When I saw you shopping, I thought you were cute. Funny, down to earth. When I saw you again that day at the hospital – I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to know more about you.”

I blush, continuing to look at our hands. “And now?”

“And now,” Baekhyun slowly lifts my hand, kissing the back of it. “I think that you’re even braver than I thought. I think you’re more selfless than you let on. And I want to know you even more than I did before.”

I look up, shocked by his confession. The beeping on my ECG monitor quickens. “You do?” I whisper, unable to speak louder than that.

Baekhyun nods. He leans forward, eyes centimeters from mine. “I do.”

I can’t breathe, can’t focus with his lips so close. “What are you –?”

Baekhyun kisses me. His lips are soft, gentle and the air in my lungs stutters. Catching once, twice before I press myself forward. Letting his hands drift up my arms, pressing me to him. Then he moves away, just enough to see me. “Y/N. You being sick doesn’t change how I see you. Doesn’t change how I feel about you. I like you. You.”

Me.

Warmth floods my chest, one that has nothing to do with fever. Nothing to do with the hospital or the machines or the strange sense of peace as I lean slowly forward.

“Kiss me again,” I smile.

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thehappiestandunluckiest · 4 years ago

Text

Being Radioactive

If the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of radioactive is the imagine dragons song, same.

So, January 10th, I traveled up to Lisbon. A scared, young gazelle, about to absorb a radioactive substance that would hopefully kill the powerful assassin that had taken over her 20 year old body. Something that I never had felt before but felt as soon as I was told that I had cancer was.... There are multiple cells in my body right now just eating away at my temple, and I have no power over it, and at any moment one could just go on a little trip through my body and stop at a vital organ and make itself at home and have little babies and over run my body and kill me. Now, I know that sounds so dramatic, but that’s how it feels, or at least that’s how I felt. I felt helpless, like a ticking time bomb, cancer is a bitch but feeling so helpless and even worse, feeling like a foreigner in your own body was so odd. I felt displaced like I was in my body but also being kicked out of it. I know I didn't have it anywhere near as bad as others have, I was lucky, I am lucky, that’s what I kept telling myself. But I couldn’t ignore feeling like I had an army of little Hitlers in my body, over throwing my own cells, altering my hormones, chewing through me.

I traveled up to Lisbon, smile on my face and jokes always on the tip of my tongue, but that’s how I react to stress, that why my bosses always love me, I thrive in chaos, or at least I trick everyone else into thinking I do. I was anxious but relieved to be getting this out of the way. If all worked out, I would be free of these pests that contaminate relentlessly. But i would also be having scans to see if it had spread, and that freaked me out, I wanted to be oblivious and stay in denial but I know that’s not the way to go.

So we travel up to Lisbon, and have two days as an out-patient where I spent a couple of hours each day having tests run and injections given in the oncology dept. It was fun having THE nurse from hell. I’m joking, but she sure was a character (and we all know what that means). Now I am not mean, but you will soon understand why I didn’t gel to this woman. So she grabs me and drags me to a room, “oh the nurse has vanished, we will just have to start ourselves” this set off alarms in my head - she seemed super hostile and her stabbing me with needles was not what I wanted.

She flings a plastic cup at me, “you have to pee in this”, she throws me into a bathroom, with another girl trying to pee into a cup. She goes “HA! oops” and closes the door. NOW LISTEN HERE! Have you ever had to pee into one of those cups? It’s a very very vulnerable position to be in. Hunched over, begging your bladder to open the flood gates, hand in the toilet bowl covered in your own piss. I felt so sorry for her. So I pee into this cup, clean up and go back to the nurses office. The older nurse is back and I let out the breath I had been holding in out of anxiety. Now, I just want to mention that all these stories are super real and I for real can’t make this sh#t up!“ God! Those shoes need to go into the bin! They’re so dirty.” She says as she’s leaning on the door frame.

This woman! I’m sat in the chair anxious awaiting the medicine that will help stop me from dying and she’s talking about my slightly dirty sneakers....So, the older nurse asks me where I’m from, she worked in London for a few years so we get into some small talk whilst she takes my blood, she’s distracting me from my ridiculous phobia. She asks me what I’m studying. “Oh - no. I actually work in a hotel, I’m a waitress.” “WHAT?! You don’t have a degree? How far is that going to get you, you can’t go far in life without one?” Now at this point I wanted to puke on the floor, not because I felt sick but so she would have to clean up my bile from the ground - that’s her job, how amazing is your f#cking degree now love? But I am a good christian girl so I simply say “well, I didn’t want to go to university. I got a good job straight out of school in a company that I can evolve in and have been evolving in”. The older nurse says she agrees that I am doing a good job going after what I want and not what is expected of me and that its the fact that you love what you do that counts. “Ok Emma that’s everything for today, see you tomorrow, same time!”

Now lets get to the real radioactive part.

Let’s set the mood. I haven’t eaten anything, not that I’d want to. Yesterdays injections have a side effect of headaches, not too bad. I am pale, make upless and wearing xxl sweat pants and an xl sweater - I’m more sweatpants than human but it made me feel all cozy. I have a suitcase filled with art supplies, my laptop, books and toiletries - the essentials you might say. Feeling sorry for me yet? I actually wasn’t too worried only one side effect - the slow death of suffocation if your esophagus swells up from the radiation burning your salivary glands. No biggie. (I would like to inform you all that even though this is all true - its sarcasm just for anyone who’s worried about me).

The hospital is huge, and very luxurious. Everyone is walking around with gucci bags and beautiful tans and I’m looking like hell but that’s ok I’m beyond caring.

I’m escorted to my room, it’s beautiful. Huge windows, lots of space, overlooking some of the city and the pediatrics block. I’m given the big speech explaining everything, let me give it to you in precis form as my Dad would say. I have to flush the toilet 4 times when i poop, and twice when i pee. The toilet has chambers so you have to aim said poop and pee into these chambers (it was like yoga trying to get into positions to aim but I don’t want to describe my bowel movements too much we aren’t that close yet - at least buy me coffee first!)

So the room is lovely only noticable difference is the space odessy esque toilet, and the huge lead panel that is placed infront of the door. They repeat that all of this is not for my own safety but for everyone elses, I harness all the power - is this the part where I become a super villan?

The fancy director of nuclear science came to my room in her anti radiation suit (yes - just like in HBO Chernobyl) and I injected the little pill through the rather odd tube. It was in a big lead box and had all the hazard signs on it and and made a *shhhhhhhh* sound when the box opened, what a fancy-dancy little pill.

Surprisingly I did not glow in the dark or have magnetic abilities - disappointing to say the least.

My two day stay was pretty uneventful, the food was actually quite good. I drank 10l of water and 2l of pure lemon juice - I was on the toilet ever 30 minutes and spent a good 7 minutes each time for the flushing routine. This lemon juice was to keep my salivary glands working which would stop my throat from swelling and thus stop me from maybe chocking myself to a long, endless sleep. I ended up with ulcers in my mouth from the lemon juice, BUT my skin got really clear and I had never felt so hydrated in all my life. I was left alone and my only comunication with my nurses was through the telecom. When my food was left for me I had to stand in the corner next by the window and wait until they had left my food behind the big lead panel before I could move again. It was kinda crazy because they looked at me like I was a monster in a cage. You know when you were a kid and turned the lights off in the hall and ran to your bed out of fear of the dark? That’s how they looked at me - it was oddly humourous and simultaneously eery and isolating (but I am writing this entry during the COVID19 pandemic and have been isolated in my house for 2 months now so that was nothing looking back on it).

All fluids that came out of me were very radioactive so I had to shower often. I was scared of choking in my sleep so I set alarms every two hours (I’m just very cautious ok!). On my last day I needed to have an MRI and blood tests done and so myself and another young girl, same age as me and same situation as me, were escorted to the tests area. We wadled through the whole hospital, the nurse would ask everyone to stay away from us and people would scatter away from us like we were radioactive - wait a minute.....

I had my scan, and had the geirger meter see how radioactuve I still was. Honestky this was what I was scared of. Not the actual treatment itself but what the results would be. I think this is a normal fear. It would change everything. Had it spread? Had it evolved into an even more malicious beast? So many thoughts running through my head. We went back to our rooms and awaited these dreaded results.

My dad had driven up to Lisbon to pick me up, he loves the drive. He calls and says that he is going to wait for me to be ‘set free’ until he goes into the hospital (all of us have spent too much time in hospital to the point that its a normal place to spend our time so we try and avoid it like the plague).

The doctor comes into my room and stands right next to me. Crazy human contact wow it’s so crazy how powerful having someone even just stood close to you has an effect on you.

My results are very positive - thank God. I smile and thank the doctor, I really am so happy. This enourmously heavy weight has been taken off of my shoulders, my eyebrows unforrowed and my shoulders eased up, my jaw declenched, my stomach stopped its sumersaults and I could breathe again.

The nurse calls me to say I need someone to come and get me for me to be discharged. I try and call my dad, straight to voicemail. I message no answer. I call my mum no answer. I call my brother, finally an answer after 4 attempts but he’s useless to me 2 hours away. shit. I am finally free and I can’t get out of the damn place! After an hour of me trying to call him and me freaking out because I don’t want to be stuck here any longer. I hear a voice through the door. “I am looking for my daughter”, ok lets get out of here.

I cant hug anyone or stay too close, I am tired but dying for some icecream. I finally am free, free of this monster. I wont be 100% out of the woods for a while yet but for now I am good. I stay in isolation at home for a week before I am allowed back out in public. The day I finally go out in public is to the shopping centre. I set off the alarms. The security alarms were going off as I walked past them. I walked through the shopping mall lauging like a lunatic, I really was radiocative after all. This was it- my super power.

I still worry from time to time, I get little scares and I obsessivly check for lumps and bumps, but I can rest a little easier now. I hope noone has to go through what I went through, or anything of the sort. But I would like to say that it wasnt all that bad, the treatment ran so smoothly that I thought that they had given me a dud pill. The operations before the treatment were also very smooth sailing. The whole thing went by easily (as easily as cutting your throat open can go), Why am I saying this? Because before I went for treatment I wanted to see how others reacted just so that I knew what to expect and so that i could prepare. Online everything was negative, blogs said that it was the worst experience. Not that it’s a great experience either but I think it’s important to not scare people about these things. Being sick sucks. It truly does, but being cured, or trying to get better is a true blessing, and us lucky lucky individuals who have access to health care (and even luckier if its free health care) and those of us who can go through these operations and come out on the other side should be so so grateful. I’m grateful for my operations, my access to clean hospitals, the best medical professionals, the kind auxilary staff that smiled at me when I was scared, the recepcionists that winked at me and wished me well. My parents that drove me accross the country to be treated by the best. My job for giving me health insurance that helped pay for some of the costs.

What I’m trying to say is that we sometimes over think the bad, and honestly I could easily sit here and write about a WHOLE LOAD of bad that has happened to me, but it wont changed anything or make it better, but what does is looking back and saying wow- I am so lucky. I had people send me best wishes, my collegues at work looked after me when I was ill, my family cared for me when I wasn’t able to do so on my own. Be grateful, add sunshine to a rainy day and see the rainbows appear.

love,

Em x

#cancer #thyroid #operation #hospital #thyroidcancer

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akwonders · 7 years ago

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Party, date, drunk, reunion, ER?

So first I had like nothing planned. Then suddenly between Thursday afternoon and Friday I had a list. I was invited to a party by some co-workers, asked out on a date by 2 guys, and realized some friends are in the country. I was all O.o what on earth is going on?

One guy just wasn't going to make it into the schedule plus for some odd reason he irritates me already. The other one seemed to have more common sense on how to go about things. That is why I agreed with him.

Anyways, party with co-workers? Basically was a wine and cheese party with some other dishes. Pretty chill. Made it home and realized I was supposed to meet homie in like an hour.

It's funny because when we first started talking I was somewhat mean. Like if you want to learn English there are apps and hagwons for that. If you want some easy chick I am not the one.

He passed the message round. Sadly, most guys don't make it these days. He also doesn't live or work far from where I live so that is another thing that was working for him. Sent him a message to find out what exit and such. Only for him to realize that he mixed up the days. 😒

I will admit I was a bit 😑 at first but I could understand why later. Heck I was mixing up my days. He didn't want to break the date so he was like as soon as he get off of work we can still go. Which would have been an hour after our original time. So not too bad but I was like eh~ because he could be tired and then suddenly have to rush to a date. I felt kind of bad. So I told him not to worry and we can just make it for another day.

He wouldn't give up. Kept apologizing and really wanted to keep it for that night. I finally gave in because it seems if I didn't he was never going to let it go that he messed up while planning. He would message here and there until he got off.

By that time in general it was almost time for me to leave to meet him. So I went a bit early. I am always early. He took a taxi quick and when I saw him I was all 😮 because I was chilling listening to music. 😅

He apologized some more and I couldn't help but laugh because honestly it was pretty cute. Yeah I said that. He was cute alright? Alright.

We went to eat chinese styled lamb. Sat outside because the weather was nice. Had great conversation and too many bottles of soju.

I got drunk.

First time ever wasted.

Then I realized why. I didn't eat any rice or bread or anything all day to be able to balance out the alcohol like normal. So it got me good. Also had wine earlier in the day. Oops. 😅

To the point I kept switching from English to Korean with a mixture of Japanese. But we finished eating. He paid and we left. By this time it was almost 2am.

No subway running. So taxi it is. But before that...

I got sick. A stomach full of soju, wine and lamb is a no go for me apparently. So...yeah on the side of the road. Kept the guy out the way because I didn't want any on anyone. Was fine after that for a bit.

He made sure I had everything and made sure I was holding on to his arm as we walked.

At this point I was highly dependent on this man to much of my embarrassment.

But oh it gets better you guys. So much better~

Because I was drunk and not 100% or heck 60% me *chuckles* he gave the taxi driver the station to drop us off at.

Halfway, I had the driver pull over so I could throw up again. I actually told them in my drunken state I didn't want to mess up anything. The taxi driver was actually super nice too. Go figure. Anywho.

*covers my face in pure embarrassment* As I write this I can't help but cringe at the fact I have done such a thing.

Get to my station. He paid the driver. I somehow know how to walk to my place basically blind it seems. I magically press in door codes too.

So yes, this man now know where I live. At this point I was like whatever I need to get home at least. I have cctv everywhere if something goes down.

Made it to my apartment. Giggled at the fact I pressed in the code too fast and had to do it once more to get in. Quickly took off my boots. Told him to close the door while I ran to the bathroom to throw up again.

Yep~ a third time.

He made sure I was okay and gave me a ton of water to drink.

Even in my messed up state I was all "I have to brush my teeth, clean my face, and change clothes. I can't sleep like this."

Causing him to laugh. He was drunk but not like me. I was a mess.

Grabbed my pajamas and changed in the bathroom. Came out and actually brushed my teeth and washed my face. Literally a miracle I functioned so well. He gave me some more water.

Then it hit me.

This man is standing in my place helping me after I got drunk, threw up 3 times on our first date.

I just assumed he was staying I guess because I took out sheets, a blanket, and gave him a pillow saying, "Here, you can sleep on the floor since it's so late. I have caused enough trouble."

He was all 😮 are you sure?

I shrugged, walked to my bed and basically just collapsed on it like "let me die in my drunk embarrassed state."

He laughed and literally tucked me in while calling me cute.

Granted it's not the first time he called me cute but I was feeling far from it at this point. 😅

He settled on the floor next to my bed after making sure I was okay. I knocked out after saying good night.

*sighs* I know I know this is so unlike me. What happened? Life happened and I didn't care too much. I felt oddly comfortable which is weird.

Anyways, while sleeping if I moved a bit too much he would ask if I was okay and if I needed anything. At one point he just held my hand.

Then, I woke up yesterday (Sunday) morning and was like "omg my head. First time and hopefully the last I drink so much without eating properly first." Looked over and saw him sleeping still. It was like 6am and I remembered like 99% of everything but 1% was a bit foggy. I knew what happened but needed to piece it together better. Like the last 2 times I threw up.

He woke up maybe a few minutes after me and asked if I was okay again. Even though he was barely awake, that's when he confirmed my foggy 1%. I literally hid under my blankets saying sorry blushing like crazy. Only to hear him laugh and say it's fine while calling me cute for the billionth time. At this point I am all "I am going to die from pure embarrassment."

Drifted off to sleep again then woke up a bit more rested. Found my phone and stuff. Took a shower and such. He was still asleep. He wouldn't see anything anyways. So no worries.

He woke up to a phone call from work. It was his day off but they couldn't find a red bag it seems. So he was telling them where it should be.

Oh yes his details. Hmm...🤔 Let's call him Mr. Gucci since he is a manager of one of the stores. He is 181cm, born in '85 (so 32 years old), has one younger sister and broke up with his last girlfriend of 2 years in February because her parents wanted a guy with more money like a doctor or something. Yep~ I was all oh man ouch...

Anywho, we officially woke up. Talked a bit. My turn to apologize a ton. I did cook him some breakfast. It was the least I could do. Talked some more.

He brought up business trips that he has to do. I was just thinking to myself why is he telling me all this?

I know. I know. He had a reason to. He does want to meet again before his next business trip.

Honestly though besides me being drunk that was a fantastic date. He was a pure gentleman the entire time. When he left he told me to call if I ever need anything.

After that, I did some things. Called Mr. Ghetto got no answer and was a bit worried since he was already getting sick.

A few hours later met up with some friends visiting from England. Had a blast. At great food, explored, great conversation and all. Ended the night at Lotte's Sky Tower.

Not going to lie. It is worth every won for that view. It's in the video of the previous post. Said our goodbyes. We may meet up again before they leave.

I came home but of course stopped for bubble tea and got in at 9pm on the dot. 😄

Then finally found out Mr. Ghetto ended up with a condition that is temporary and even went to the ER. I was all 😯. He didn't answer because well he was barely awake. In which I know how it is because it's similar to what I deal with at times while having UC (Ulcerative colitis).

And he tends to keep to himself more without getting help from anyone. He cut most of his friends off over the summer. Which makes me worry more. Even if we are nothing more he is one of my best friends here that I would drop whatever I am doing if something happened. He does the same for me. *sighs* So now that he is able to get up himself I will check on him if not daily then every other day. I legit don't want to lose that man.

But yeah~ tada my crazy weekend.

Now to sleep. Until next time~ 안녕~

#life in korea #life in seoul #new co-workers #date #party #er #mr. ghetto #mr. gucci #drunk #first time ever #lotte sky tower #reunion #old friends #new friends #a new life #i died from embarassment #2017

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lieslayn · 7 years ago

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I hadn’t heard from my ex all day. He wasn’t answering my calls or texts about Lukas coming back. He’s usually home before now so my anxiety was through the roof when I hadn’t heard anything by 4.

He finally just called me back, 45 minutes later, and sorry that he wasn’t by his phone…that he is coming within the hour. And that is fine. I didn’t have plans today or anything. And I am relieved! But my anxiety is getting worse instead of better. I do not feel well now all of sudden. My hands won’t stop shaking and my chest is tight. I feel light headed and my feet are tingly and restless. Which are not unusual physical symptoms for me. They can get much worse than they are now, but I was feeling pretty good all day until now. Even happy. Even though I felt bad about what happened with Danny and even though I cried this morning from missing him. I felt a healthy range of emotions. I even thought wow I am making real strides with myself. So I am sad to see that even though everything is fine, I can’t shake this cloud away. There is a real connection between my anxiety with my ex. I feel on edge and unsettled and in the dark every time we have to interact. I don’t trust him. I don’t trust his mental state or his memory or anything he says. He is unreliable. He is fickle. He is lost and he needs serious help that I feel like is not being fully given to him. He is being given all of the resources to improve himself, but he is simultaneously being enabled to not necessarily have to use them to their fullest. I know he still drinks and smokes. He is in therapy, but that is useless unless you are willing to change. He has changed jobs multiple times since we separated. I don’t know anything about his personal life, but I’m sure he’s lonely. I feel very badly for him still, even though he did very awful things to me. Without remorse. I have tried in the past to help. To give advice and listen wholeheartedly, even if it pained me to do so. I have offered my time and energy to go to rehab or therapy with him. He never took it but I was willing. I have in the past bent over backwards making sure my schedule was able to accommodate his and to figure out his schedule with our son. If I didn’t reach out to him he probably would not have seen Lukas. I had to ask him every week what days and times he could see him. I tried not to be too critical when he bailed on his time with Lukas last minute. The entire first year of our separation I wouldn’t know for sure if he was going to come pick Lukas up until he actually physically showed up at the house. It was a 50/50 chance. I had to reschedule myself multiple times. I was not too pressing on child support money because I knew he was in a tough spot financially. But that wore me down quickly. I was a walking corpse. I was on the verge of panic at every waking moment. It’s not my job to do that. It wasn’t fair to me or to Danny to be in that position. It was inappropriate and probably unhealthy for his growth for me to do that.

I have learned over the past 2 years that I can’t trust him. I want to, but I can’t. The last 3-4 months he has been consistent with his job and with the schedule we have. I am feeling better, but I’m not holding my breath. Something huge always happens. Over the summer he got drunk and jumped off of a bridge and almost killed himself. He had to be in the ICU. Instead of telling me he was going to be okay he texted me that he was in critical care. And that’s it. No other information. He once cried to me on the phone about having testicular cancer, which turned out to be untrue. He has had stomach ulcers and kidney problems and pneumonia. I can’t even keep up with it. And he uses it against me. He emotionally manipulates me to his advantage when he feels like I’m gaining the upper hand. He compared my clinical depression to his alcoholism and tried to reason that I just needed to trust him because he trusts me with our son? I am still offended by that. He reasoned that he hasn’t paid me anything because I still owe him from when he had to break the lease on our apartment when I moved out….he used my living with my parents against me because I don’t have to pay rent and so I don’t need child support. Like I don’t make $10/hour……..he’s told me multiple times that my fiancé is a liar and a backstabber that he doesn’t trust. He lamented to me about how he feels like we have mentally switched places. He was actually vocally upset to me that I was much happier now and that he was depressed…….he fueled my suicidal depression when we were together. He lied so well about everything and made me seriously question my sanity and nature when we were together. He made me feel responsible for his shortcomings. He made me feel like maybe I was the one manipulating him. I started to believe it. And he is such a narcissist that I think he might actually believe it to. His memory and the reality he lives in can be truly baffling. Arguing with him is impossible and gets nowhere. And when he starts to realize that I am not backing down on this one, after hours or days or weeks of yelling matches, he goes into the most pathetic self pitying speech you have ever heard. That he is a terrible person and so sorry for everything he’s put me through. And that he is useless and wants to die and has nothing going for him. That he understands what he did in the past was wrong, but he just wants to be a part of Lukas’ life and nothing else. That he just feels like I’m trying to take Lukas away from him entirely. (Which has obviously never been the case!! Most people in my position WOULD have fucking boxed him out of their lives. I go above and beyond to continue working with him). The conversation is totally changed from Lukas to himself. To how goddamn bad he has it. And I know it’s another form of manipulation, but I think he also totally believes it too. And that’s really hard on me because of who I am. I have a lot of toughening up to do still. The issue is that it feels impossible for me to win anything with him. It becomes an absolute nightmare. Idk what I’m going to do in the future. I don’t know how this is going to pan out. I need to get a lawyer now and I need to protect myself and Lukas just in case.

Things have calmed down a lot since the bridge accident, but I’m still on edge. I’m still waiting for the next big thing. try my absolute best to make things fair and not to show my uneasiness in front of Lukas. I wish he weren’t in the picture, but I still make sure that he is. Even though I still haven’t seen a dime from him.

The only thing I do know is that he loves Lukas. He is good with him. He takes him to the park and has finally (starting only a few months ago) been purchasing clothes and necessities for Lukas to keep at his mom’s house. I no longer have to pack him an overnight bag of everything and I no longer have to share my car seat thank god.

And I am frustrated and angry because it’s just common curtesy to let the mother know if you’re planning to be later than usual…….

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beyondthetemples-ooc · 7 years ago

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...i’m.... getting really bad. i don’t know if/when i’m going to be around but i can’t keep my mind off my stomach and i can’t even think about conversation, i’m sorry....

....my stomach won’t stop.

i’ve managed to cut off the emotional element but i’m still feeling the physiological aspects of a panic attack. (i can’t stop trembling. i’m shaky. i can’t breathe. and my diaphragm HURTS so i can’t make myself deep-breathe anyways, but....)

....this is bad.

i went about 48 hours Without That Happening, and i ate a decent meal with rice/beans/lettuce yesterday, and it felt Uncomfortable but Okay enough to Stay Down. (until right before bed, when it felt Bad again, but it STAYED...)

but today i had to go to work, made myself sip water and electrolytes, and it was MISERABLE. a granola bar made me feel terrible. i had to take deep breaths after every sip of the electrolyte blend. i finally tried eating a substantial meal (50% smoothie and 50% crackers with tomato), i felt like hell, and 5 hours later, everything’s revisiting me.

i can’t be infected, because there’s no fever or cramping or diarrhea. and as soon as there’s nothing in my stomach (no water, no electrolyte supplements, no food, no vitamins, no anything) I feel... marginally less nauseated. that doesn’t happen when i get food poisoning, or a stomach flu.

....i’m taking 100mg of meclizine (which is supposed to be an antiemetic that work on the level of your NERVOUS SYSTEM), and this is still happening...

((plus, i leaned down to get something off a shelf at work, and fell over. on my butt, but, i couldn’t catch myself, and had to spend a moment recalibrating... this Vertigo is probably from dehydration or malnourishment, but..... whatever it’s from, it’s affecting me way too deeply.))

i should probably go to the hospital. (what i wouldn’t do for zofran, or something, anything to stop my stomach from torturing me like this)... but i don’t have medical insurance, and when i got medical insurance before it wouldn’t retroactively cover my hospital bills from fainting, and the letter that said my COUNTY insurance finally fucking came through said it’s EXPIRING next week (WHAT THE FUCK!!! why was the letter dated April but POSTMARKED AUGUST 15TH. HOW IS IT EXPIRING ON THE 24TH. WHAT THE *FUCK* IT’S SUPPOSED TO GO FOR 6 MONTHS??? and getting accepted into the county medicaid means the local financial-aid coverage I got is automatically erased. i’m fucking screwed. guys.)

goddamnit, all this because my job doesn’t give me enough hours to cater my food sensitivities and i ran out of fucking licorice.

...i can fight back the fear from the phobia, but i can’t fight back being screwed...

my dad eventually asked me what was wrong a couple days ago and bought me licorice on Amazon, but i don’t know when it’s going to get here, and if it turns out i have an ulcer or something, licorice isn’t going to do jack.... (i already have chronic gastritis. inflammation means my stomach lining’s tissue is several, several times more susceptible to breaking down and being worn away.... which, you know, causes ulcers. which i’ve never had before, to my knowledge, but i’ve heard they can make you feel an awful lot like i’m feeling now...)

fuck.

this is just so fucking ridiculous, and miserable. and i wish i could call off work, but damnit, i need the money.... like, you know, to SURVIVE......

...i wish i knew how to cry. maybe if i could cry, it’d stop feeling so bad......

#rhs emlog #rhs personal posts #emetophobia warning #medical stuff tw adsfdjgfkhgdjhkj #rhs negative // *health stuff....)

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cosmosogler · 8 years ago

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man, i don’t want to write anything... i’m tired. i will write anyway.

i had a dream about being surrounded by people but being, sort of, for some unexplained reason, unable to communicate with them. like, i could talk and they might have heard me, there’s no reason they wouldn’t have, but they didn’t respond to anything i did. we were in a mall and the floor was glass. toward the end of the dream there was a blizzard and the glass had cracked. i tread carefully, but it never broke.

right at the very end, someone asked me a question, and as i opened my mouth to respond i woke up because my alarm went off. i was so incredibly frustrated for about half a second and then i couldn’t remember what i had wanted to say any more.

oh! there were also zombies. and undead, but they were different from zombies. i had come to the mall to do something about them but i got sidetracked and then people stopped paying attention to me. that’s how i got there.

it was really complicated, but i don’t remember what exactly was happening. i was trying to bring the dead back to life? but the zombies were beyond help and converting the undead into the FOR REAL dead. i spent a lot of time in a garden shed and under a concrete ledge.

dreams aside, i woke up and got ready for the day and then sat at the computer for a little bit. i think i was checking tumblr? i was so hunched over the dang desk that i may as well have been laying on it.

then we went to gramma’s! before we left dad was being super passive aggressive and i’m not sure why. it was really confusing and also annoying. mom ended up leaving without him and taking us to gramma’s. i put on some music and didn’t think about it too much.

the easter celebration was good. i totally wrecked my cousins at batman dice. the score was 1 to 2 to 3 to 16. and i visited with gramma and her friends and neighbors a lot. apparently dad’s mom barbara was also supposed to attend but she wasn’t feeling well. dad showed up eventually and brought the batman dice game with him. after that it was lunchtime. i gorged myself on my aunt’s salsa and tried to also eat fruit and chips and potato salad and an apple cinnamon cookie... i got so sick i passed out on the couch. grampa woke me up to get me to go lay on his bed instead. it was a little warmer in there and i felt the room spin around me while i dozed. i heard my name one point and i think it was mom telling a dumb story about me, but i felt my muscles tense up for a few seconds anyway. an hour later my brother came to get me and i rolled on my back and my whole abdomen just throbbed and every single heartbeat was a wave of nausea.

i felt junky the whole way home but i tried to count the number of songs i listened to while we were on the highway and that helped. when we got inside i hung out with the dogs a while. i tried to brush some of the mats out of diogi’s fur but wiley and eve were suddenly very interested in standing directly on top of my lap and tipping diogi over. my brother and i fed them, and then after i coaxed eve into eating her food they were outside for a bit. and then i came upstairs until i got a little hungry. i went downstairs to reheat some rice from my family’s previous burrito adventure and had a tiny cup. dad left to go take barbara to the hospital. she spends a lot of time there.

i mean, i don’t doubt that she is sick and needs to go. but... there are a lot of ways she could make this, easier and less expensive for my family? like one time she slipped and fell and hit her head on the bathroom door. she called our house in the evening and thought it was morning, so we went to check on her.

if she’d had, say, one of those life alert things or a check-in plan now that she’s living alone she wouldn’t have been laying there for almost a day. and i think this inability to take care of herself is part of what led her to the decision to kill her dog, DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE WERE WILLING TO AND HAD PREVIOUSLY TAKEN CARE OF THE DOG WHEN SHE DIDN’T WANT TO/COULDN’T, AND ALSO THAT HE WAS NOT THAT OLD YET. HE WAS 2 YEARS OLDER THAN EVE, BUT HE IS A TOY POODLE. HE LIVES LONGER THAN 14 YEARS. THEY CAN BE REASONABLY EXPECTED TO LIVE TO 16-18.

like yeah, i’m sorry your husband died and you aren’t putting your life back together. i’m sorry you both suffered an addiction to nicotine that led to the disease grandpa developed. but when we are forced to take you to the hospital because you have no system in place to get yourself anywhere or alert people when you are not doing well, you don’t even take the doctor’s advice, and you refuse to stay in rehab because they don’t let you smoke when you’re hooked up to an oxygen machine! you had a heart attack and you walked out of the hospital a few days later when they wouldn’t let you smoke!!! you stole grandpa’s pain killers while he was alive! you tried to sell your house despite EVERYONE telling you that was a bad idea for many, many reasons!!! you ditched all your furniture in preparation for selling the house anyway and tHEN CHANGED YOUR MIND. you killed your dog and changed your mind the next day so you got a cat, AND THEN YOU DITCHED THE CAT A FEW WEEKS LATER. and then you got ANOTHER cat, and then moved to minnesota or wherever WHERE YOUR FAMILY ASKED YOU NOT TO BRING A CAT AND YOU BROUGHT IT ANYWAY, and then moved back a few months later because you didn’t like paying rent!!!!!!!!!!

i’m sorry life is hard. i’m sorry that bad ideas seem like good ideas to you??? but you’re hurting literally everyone you come into contact with. you’re not even nice to dad when he comes to do your chores for you. you’re just a jackass and you smoke when he’s in the house even though you know the smell makes him sick. and the new cat is too terrified to ever come out from under the bed.

i hate barbara. not as much as i hate craig, because she doesn’t seem aware of what she’s doing, but god it’s hard.

i did put on some bug spray before i went outside this evening. it helped. tomorrow i gotta go to the mental health hospital place. i am afraid that i am not sick enough for their help. because i am too sick to NOT get their help. but i might not be sick enough for them to give me a spot on their roster. like some kind of hellish middle ground.

do i play up my anxiety? would that be lying? am i really not that bad? maybe i should downplay it. but then i’m less likely to get help... am i not depressed/anxious enough because i know i need help? usually with depression it’s like “ohh it COULD be worse, i must not be bad enough for real help.” i know, the cognitive dissonance is making my head explode too.

being evaluated is horrible. what if they happen to catch me on a good day and get the wrong idea? what if they catch me on a bad day and i’m not good enough? standardized tests, medical evaluations, people watching when i say “hey look at this!” they’re just clouds, sammie.

my legs are miserably itchy. i can’t sit comfortably with the itching cream on. the texture of the chair’s fabric against my calves is irritating. the wood of the desk rubs my thighs wrong. my feet are rough and catch on fabric like velcro and they never seem to sit at quite the right angle. my back hurts. my stomach hurts. the skin on my fingers and knuckles is splitting because i wash my hands too much and don’t drink quite enough water. and my body is always telling me i need to go to the bathroom but when i try to go i can’t because there is nothing there. i just went 20 minutes ago. and if my eyes water for any reason something in them gets really dry and it burns and hurts.

it doesn’t even help when i’m, like, outside and not on the computer. my abdomen starts really hurting when i’m out on walks and it only fades, doesn’t go away. my eyes hurt when the sun’s up. i’m tired all the time. eating is usually awful. the lawn is wet and muddy on my feet and i immediately get bug bites. nothing on my body is healing properly.

i’m just... really frustrated tonight. i saw my sister at the easter party. i asked if her childhood stomachaches ever went away. she said no, and it still usually hurts when she eats. i don’t know how she functions if it’s anything like this. no wonder she never wants to do anything and gets irritable if she can’t eat what she wants.

i’m afraid it’ll never go away. no one can even figure out what’s wrong. i’m not any more anxious than i was while i could go to school. the only thing i could think of with the doctor was that it was years of general anxiety that built up this problem. at least with depression there’s literally a chemical reaction happening in your head that can be changed with medication. but like, they can’t even find an ulcer or anything. there’s just... nothing wrong.

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