#sorry i felt like im not real the entire week and kept falling asleep. the entire week

[spireofdeceit]

my brain is consistently fogged and i dont like it

[burnedbyshoto]

sleeping beauty

— You struggle to find a time to have sex with your beloved Aizawa. Unfortunately or fortunately, the only time you can fuck him is when he’s deep asleep.

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pairing: aizawa shouta x yandere fem!reader

warnings: 18+, smut, pwp, yandere!reader, non-con somnophilia, hairy aizawa rights, recording

word count: 4,201

a/n: mark ur calendar, im getting my nipples pierced nov 8. you bet ur ass imma write a bunch of nipple pierced readers from there on out. pray that my family never finds out about my nipples tho LMAO if they do,,, it;ll be ripped out of my boobies without a seconds hesitation

kinktober day 19 main kink: somnophilia | kinktober masterlist

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Aizawa was always busy.

Over the past ten years of knowing him, the two of you had been close. You were a good friend to him, someone he wouldn’t absolutely avoid at all costs when you walked through the hallways of UA, someone he wouldn’t mind rambling to him about their long day. Of course, you knew that you weren’t his closest friend, and to a certain degree, that upset you.

You had met Aizawa when you had first been a high school student; at the time, you were merely fifteen years old. He was twenty, only five years older than you, but he took your breath away from the first team-up. He had been tall, dark, and brooding, and your little coming out of an emo phase heart stood no chance. But, due to the age discrepancy, he was never anything more than a team member. Still, you held on.

You graduated from high school, made your impact as a sidekick, graduated to a Pro Hero, and offered a job at UA by the time you were twenty! So, for the past five years, you and Aizawa had been actual co-workers, and better yet, friends.

Aizawa indeed was one of a kind.

He still held the key to your emo school girl fantasy daydream, but you also discovered new sides and angles of him. You learned he was incredibly kind, thoughtful, and looked out for everyone, even if his gruff and sometimes rude mannerisms spoke otherwise. Although he tried to avoid any type of nonsensical drama like the plague, he was always caught up in it, which often amused you.

There was so much about Aizawa that you loved, so much that you adored and looked up to that it was no surprise that you figured your feelings of respect and admiration became love. 

True, deep love.

As a third-year teacher at UA, you found that your interactions with Aizawa were quite limited. Not only because he was always being placed with a first-year class and said class moving on without him — something that only happened because he kept expelling the damn students — but because he was incredibly close with the first-year teachers.

You loved Present Mic and Midnight and All Might, don’t get it wrong! Your admiration, love, and respect for them were unprecedented, but you hated how much of Aizawa’s time they took.

“Sorry, Mic needs help with lesson plans for my class,” Aizawa apologized for postponing your lunch date, not a date.

“Sorry, Midnight needs help separating the problem children. Apparently, they’re growing an immunity to her quirk,” Aizawa grumbled, shoving his phone into his pocket before leaving your office where you both had been talking and drinking tea.

“Sorry, All Might—”

“It the class, your problem children, I get it,” you force a smile onto your face, trying not to show just how irritated and disappointed you were on how these days were going. Aizawa pauses for a second, his tired, dried out eyes trying to read and uncover the depths of emotions swimming in your eyes before he sighs and runs off. 

But it went without saying that the people you hated most were Class 1-A.

The damn stupid, fucking, ungrateful class had already caused your beloved Aizawa to be hospitalized. The scar under his eye, a numbing reminder that you had nearly lost him, almost had to cry at his coffin with your feelings never once being uttered. They, without a doubt, took up his time the most.

He saw potential in all of them, none of them being failed or expelled by him thus far.

He spent countless hours up in the dead of night tracking each and every one of his student’s potential. Slaving away at his tablets to make sure that they all were feeling safe, heroic, and above all, they were headed to their individual greatness. So, although it would be two more years before you would have the opportunity to teach this class, you already had a vendetta against Midoriya Izuku and Bakugou Katsuki. Those little shits always taking up your precious Aizawa’s time! He had never been this tired prior to them showing up!

But you never tried to think about it when you were with him.

You tried to openly accept your Aizawa’s new, incredibly busy schedule, and the moment the dorms appeared within UA, you found yourself more at ease.

To be frank, since you acknowledged your love for Aizawa at the mere age of twenty, and now at twenty-five, you had never taken on a lover or a one night stand. For years you had not allowed a person to grace you in bed or in their arms. It felt like you were betraying your love, and you would rather die than let that happen. 

But the thing is, you are human, entirely susceptible to waves of uncontrolled horniness and lust.

In the beginning, sex toys worked.

You would press a vibrator to your clit, your toes digging into the mattress as your other hand shoved a silicone dildo into your aching, needy cunt. At first, it worked! You would cum with the thoughts of Aizawa being the dildo buried deep within you. 

But eventually, you would find yourself at the peak of that orgasm, you knew the orgasm was right beyond the bend, just a step more, but you couldn’t get there. For weeks you realized that the vibrator, the dildo, and your fantasy thoughts weren’t enough. So, in your frustration, you began to search up audio plays of his narration at UA Sports Festival. Listening to his voice, ignoring Mics’ voice, to help coax you over that bend.

For a while, you were back to normal. Your highs and juices splattering all over your bed, a symbol of your lust and love for Aizawa as you gasped his name, wishing that the audio was real. But eventually, even the audios weren’t enough.

You craved Aizawa’s warmth, the feeling of his rough stubble against your sensitive skin, the throbbing of his cock buried deep within your womb, undoubtedly kissing your cervix. You wanted him; you needed your beloved.

As if by the grace of God, the moment you could no longer bring yourself to cum through that alone, the dorm system was put into place. And you, a teacher, were required to live on campus too. You tried not to think of Aizawa being a dorm away, tried not to feel the warmth fluttering under your skin when the two of you bid goodnight for the day.

You definitely tried to stay out of his room in the middle of the night.

God, you wish you could say that you stayed out of his room, but that would be a lie.

A big fat fucking lie.

It had started out innocently enough, you will claim.

You would see the exhausted man wave goodnight, grumbling that he needed to sleep now or else he would not wake up on time for homeroom tomorrow morning. You waved goodnight to him, trying to stay engrossed in a conversation you were having with Hound Dog. But an hour after Aizawa had gone to bed, you found yourself rushing away from the common room, explaining you had something to grade as you bid everyone goodnight.

Without a doubt, you ended up in Aizawa’s room that night.

In the darkness of the night, you watched the moonlight barely breach the thickness of his curtains to fall onto his face. You felt so warm as you stared at his slumbered face, your cheeks flushed as you watched his parted, chapped lips. You felt so light watching his chest rise and fall in a hypnotizing rhythm, reminding you that he is real, so very, very real. A part of you aching, knowing that he was entirely real and yet not yours. But still, you admired the way he looked so young, so intense, so ethereal as he dreamed.

You loved him.

Eventually, when you decided to leave, you pressed a kiss to his lips, smiling at the way his lips were exactly as you had imagined:

Supple, warm, and tasting of his mint toothpaste.

But the nightly visits didn’t stop there.

Most nights, you found yourself in his room, laying by his side, merely watching as he slept. No orgasm in the world felt quite as fulfilling as the quiet that came with just watching the over-exhausted Aizawa sleep. 

But this is not a story of simple love, no, not at all.

Eventually, you began to grow bold. Your fingers sinking into your wet cunt, playing with your sensitive clit as you watched him sleep. You bit your lip to keep yourself from moaning as a rasped breath expelled from his mouth. You nuzzled into the warmth of his body heat through at you and only prayed he would one day acknowledge and return your affections.

To be quite honest, you’re not sure when you began to suck him off too.

Maybe it was the first time his cock grew long and hard in the middle of the night, his mind undoubtedly having a wet dream. So, as his beloved, you only thought it was appropriate to give his body what he wanted. With the skills and intentions that could only arise from being a gifted Pro Hero, you pulled the blankets from his body and pushed his cock through the slit in his boxers, and took him all in your mouth.

His cock was absolutely mouthwatering too.

So big, so thick, so incredibly veiny that you nearly lost all control the first time you saw it in all its glory. He was better than any dildo you owned, his scent alone driving you crazy. And so, as you should, you began to fuck him, completely addicted to his aroma, taste, and touch.

After the first night, you continued to blow him. Continued to suck him off as Aizawa let out sleepy moans, grunts that were strained, his body shifting unknowingly as you continued to go up and down his length, continuing to relieve him of his stress. 

But you were human.

A human with needs and desires, and eventually, his cum coating your throat and filling your stomach wasn’t enough anymore. Which is where we find ourselves now, unashamedly fucking Aizawa each and every night, your cunt swallowing him whole, without a single shred of doubt of what was wrong with this.

There wasn’t anything wrong with this, and you knew that even if he was asleep the entire time you fucked him, it was for the better.

“Wow, Eraser!” Mic yelled from your side as you sat on the couch next to your beloved best friend. “You look like you’re glowing!”

Looking up from your phone, attempting to portray yourself as curious and unknowing, you found your gaze falling onto Aizawa, who had returned from an early evening training session with his class. As a matter of fact, Aizawa’s face was glowing; he looked incredibly much more relaxed, much more than he has been since the beginning of this semester.

“What do you mean?” Aizawa asked, evidently unimpressed as a lone eyebrow raised.

You watched on quietly, lips pressing to your cup as you took a drink of your tea as he sank onto a seat in front of you. 

“Wait, don’t tell me, listeners!” Mic gasped dramatically, his hands pressing to his cheeks as he stood up. His expression of shock and disbelief curling and becoming one of knowing and understanding. “Does our grouchy, one and only, Aizawa Shouta, a.k.a. Eraserhead, have a special someone?!”

“Mic—” Aizawa snapped, his eyebrows furrowing.

“There definitely has been an after-sex glow that Eraser has had for the past few weeks. He did say that he’s been feeling more… ahem, relaxed,” Midnight gasped, seemingly appearing from nowhere, incredibly interested in the rumor of Aizawa having sex. 

“Just because I’ve been feeling less tense doesn’t mean that I’m having sex.”

You giggled into your cup as the three of them began arguing, Mic and Midnights naturally loud noise quickly drowning out Aizawa’s fruitless attempts to shut down any sexscapades they were coming up with. 

“Y/h/n, what do you think?!” Mic yelled, his hand pointed at you as if holding a microphone as Aizawa had him pressed and tangled within his capturing weapon. “Is Shouta-chan having sex?!”

Yes, your mind begs to say, but your mouth curls into a teasing smile, eyes locking onto Aizawa’s annoyed golden ones. 

“I don’t think there’s anyone on this earth that Aizawa currently wants to fuck six feet into the mattress when he’s so busy,” you chide, your smile never entirely disappearing. At the same time, you take a long slow drink from your cup while everyone else (Mic only, really) continued to scream.

But you stayed there for the rest of the evening, working in silence with the rest of the group as next week’s lessons were laid out. Through a persistent, entirely stubborn will, Mic managed to get Aizawa to admit that he hasn’t had sex since the time he lost his virginity, to which Mic admitted to having had sex via orgies only. Midnight proudly announcing that she had a side piece at her disposal. 

So as you checked through your lesson plans for the ethics book your students would be reading next week, you shouldn’t have been surprised to see their expectant gazes on you.

“I had sex last night,” you admit, unable to lie under their amused gazes.

“WITH WHO?! ARE YOU SNEAKING SOMEONE ON CAMPUS?!”

For the rest of the night, you smiled brightly, laughing with the rest of them all as talks and stories revolving around sex filled the air. It lasted until past midnight, and with a heavy sigh, Aizawa excused himself first. You waved goodnight, and soon Midnight left, followed by Mic.

You stayed on the couch, your own attention focused heavily on the time and not what you were supposed to be doing. It didn’t take much before the time faded from 00:00 to 01:45, and with a brush of your skirt, you headed precisely where you wanted and needed to be.

The walk to his second-floor room filled you with lust. Your body, like some Pavlovian dog, trained and knowing that you were about to fuck the love of your life while he slept. He was so beautiful while he slept, a true sleeping beauty. You especially thought he was stunning when he bit his lower lip, stifling a moan despite his heavy slumber.

Without so much as a second thought, you apparated into his room, your feet cushioned by the soft carpet of his room. And with a smile that was dripping with your love, you stared at Aizawa’s sleeping form. He was already deep in sleep, his body positioned on his back as if he knew what you were doing, accepting the inevitable actions you would take tonight as you did every night. He just looked so calm, so beautiful, so youthful when asleep. The scar under his eye almost invisible 

But unlike most nights where he slept in a soft cotton long-sleeved shirt and sweats, you froze at the sight of the tight black t-shirt on his sleeping form, the shorts that were riding just the slightest bit too low on his sturdy, muscled hips. Your bit your fist, a bubbling heat of lust, and a whine tickling the back of your throat as you take in his sleeping form.

He was doing this on purpose.

Teasing you with this outfit on his sleeping body.

You huffed, inexplicably turned on as the small puffs of air past his lips seemed to thunder around the room.

You were wet already, so very wet.

“You’re so mean, Shouta-kun,” you whimper softly, your voice silent and unheard by his sleeping form. You walk closer to the bed, lips pulled into a pout as you sit on the soft mattress.  “Dressing up like that, I know you did that to tease me!”

Aizawa doesn’t respond because, of course, he’s asleep. But you smile regardless, imagining a million and three things he would say in response, each leading to what you wanted to do so desperately.

“I hope you know you were lying when you said you haven’t had sex since you were twenty,” you sigh, your fingers expertly removing his shorts and boxers from around his waist, using your quirk to make them reappear to the side of him. “We have sex practically every night; you’re so horny, my angel.”

You watch with a curling smile as his cock immediately begins to stiffen against your warm breaths, his face scrunching in his slight discomfort as his cock grows and grows. His cock is undeniably one of your favorite parts of his body. It’s pale in color, paler than the rest of his body, but as it extended to the swollen thickness of his head, it grew darker, the flushed brown pinkness of his head making you salivate at the memory of the first time you ever saw it. His cock, unlike the rest of his scarred body, was unharmed, unmarred by the horrors of the job the two of you held. The thick, beautiful smoothness of his skin, making your eyes flutter in unadulterated lust, his cock a symbol of your pure, unmarked love for him. You hum, hand grasping his length and lazily stroking him as your head tilts, reading his sleeping features for any sign of him enjoying this as much as you do.

“Aww, Shouta-kun, I wish you knew I fuck you. I bet you would turn bright red, knowing that I ride you every night. Maybe you’d use that weapon of yours to teach me a lesson or two,” you mumble, your hand gripping his cock harder as you stroke him.

A small glistening drop appears at the slit of his dick, and you shiver in excitement; he was already leaking pre-cum. 

“Look at you, already ready to have my cunt wrapped around that big cock of yours,” you mewl, absolutely ready to mount him, prepared to have his sleeping form cum deep within you. You stand up, removing your shorts and panties, and climbing onto the bed.

With the balance of a pro, you get yourself hovering over him, your already wet cunt shivering with the expectance of having him deep within you. Your hand on his cock never once stopping as you tease yourself against his swollen head, your voice a pathetic whimper as your slick mixes with his clear pre-cum.

“S-See how embarrassing you are!” you huff, rutting his length between his folds, lubing him up for the initial entrance because, by god, it still hurt. “Making my pussy so wet! I’m practically dripping all over you!”

There’s only a soft breath from his lips, but you grin as if he was speaking to you.

“You want me too, huh?” you giggle, and without further adieu, you sink against him.

His cock entering your tight cunt was still as mind-numbing as the first time. His cock easily buries into the small, thin wall of your cervix, and you tremble as his length stretches and pulls at your throbbing core. You can feel every curve in his cock, every vein, every gentle throb.

“Glad t-to know you find me… nnghh… find me i-irresistible,” you pant, face flushed with your desire to adjust quickly around him.

The conversation from tonight had made you entirely weak in the knees and hot at your core, knowing that you were the only one to really have claimed Aizawa, the only one who would ever know how his sleeping body craved you as much as you desired him.

You give a tentative swirl of your hips, your eyes trained on Aizawa’s relaxed ones, testing to see how tired and sleepy he was. There was no reaction, no movement outside of the typical grunt at the back of his throat. It was a noise he always made when you first moved with him, a noise that quickly seared in the back of your memory forever.

Shifting your weight to be more comfortable on your knees, your hot hands fall onto his tight chest, and with a sigh of pure relief, you begin to fuck him.

Your straddling aided the deep penetration, allowing for the gentle kiss of the tip of his leaking cock to your thin cervix wall. You clenched tightly around him, unable to keep yourself from doing so as you rode him, the feeling of his throbbing member within you absolutely breathing taking as you placed your claim on him again, again, and again.

Aizawa was fully sheathed within you, and your fingers twisted and pulled at the tight fabric of his shirt, raising it up so that you could admire his taut, tense abdomen, mewling at the way he’s happy trail was thick and bushy. You wondered how he would react to your fingers threading through his body hair, if he would love it; if he would hate it. 

“I want you to know how much I love you, how much I would give everything to you!” you whimper, your head fighting the instinct to throw itself back as you begin to drop onto his still cock faster and faster. “I wish you knew that you fuck me so good, Shouta-kun; I need you to know that! But you won’t even look at me! You won’t spare me a single second of your busy day, so that’s why I have to fuck you at night!”

Tears of both pleasure and hurt well into your eyes; you sniffle as you fuck him faster, dropping onto his awaiting cock with more significant, more aggressive slaps. The sounds echo throughout the room, the musky, sweet smell of your sexes is the only thing keeping you sane — that and the grunting noises that Aizawa keeps emitting, it makes your toes curl and belly flutter in a funny way.

“I bet you’ll fuck me so good once I get you to love me! You’ll never stop fucking me, you’ll never want to leave me because only I know how to fuck you correctly!” you snap, anger and lust licking through your tone, making your eyebrows furrow and your walls to clench even tighter around him. The building tension in your stomach is like a fire, and you can feel your high coming. “But you fuck me so good, baby, so good and you’re not even awake!”

And for the first time, you watch in electrifying pleasure as a low, husky, raspy moan leaves his throat as you fucked him. The sound alone was something downright pornographic to you, and the whine that spills from your mouth is nearly inaudible with the pitch it vibrates at. So without so much as a second thought, a bubbling smile spreads on your face, and you continue on, energy and excitement doubled in your joy.

Your hips roll, rise, and fall against his with growing force and speed. The small creaks of the mattress completely ignored by you as the throbbing and twitching of his cock buried deep within you keeps you pushing for more. The heat and pressure in your belly grow exponentially, festering and burning until you can feel yourself at the tipping point until you can’t do anything but focus on Aizawa and only Aizawa, or else you would scream his name in your euphoria.

The veins on his cock and the overall girth of his length send your mind spinning, not at all helping your predicament, and in a last-ditch effort to keep yourself from crying so loudly you would wake up even the dead, you lean forward. Your sweaty body leaning down to his parted chapped lips as you kiss him to keep yourself silent as your orgasm crashes through you in a blissful wave. Your body spasms almost uncontrollably, the nerves and firing axons through your body uncontrollable as you lay there, allowing for Aizawa to cum before you leave. You shudder at the feeling of his cum emptying out within you, his cock immediately softening as you lay there on top of him. His heart racing with his orgasm, and you sigh contentedly.

“God, I love you so much, Aizawa Shouta; I’ll make you mine one day,” you swear, your nose nuzzling his stubbled cheek.

You lay there for some time, enjoying the way he feels in you, content with the pooling cum from your still spasming cunt. But eventually, you pull away. You pull on your panties and shorts quickly, not wanting a single drop more of his cum to seep out of you. Unable to help yourself, you lick the leftover cum on his cock clean with your tongue before wiping him down with a towel to prevent the smell from clinging.

Your eyes study Aizawa’s face just before you leave, and your smile.

He really does look less tired after orgasming.

But the entire time you were there — the whole night you fucked him and spoke to him — you missed the red blinking light of the camera recording in the corner of the room.

[bumbleklee]

Could you make a fic based on the song Moondust By Jaymes Young? With Xiao or Zhongli? It’s fine if you decline, I enjoyed your Lonestar fic a lot! Also, thank you in advance if you do this! ^^

after this, i decided im a monster. this is so sad, like so so sad. i don't know if this is what you had in mind but since the song is basically about learning how to live/love without someone, i went down a death route. i also went w xiao. pls enjoy (and grab a tissue)

before reading: ANGST!!! you literally die and are a ghost the entire time. mentions of injury and blood as well as self-harm and suicidal thoughts. word count is around 2.1k (under cut for length)

I'm building this house, on the moon Like a lost, astronaut Lookin' at you, like a star From a place, the world forgot And there's nothing, that I can do Except bury my love for you

Death was quick.

You know instantly that you’re dead the second you open your eyes. You can still remember the feeling of the Fatui pyro agent slicing his knife across your throat and if you think about it enough, your neck tingles. You remember falling to your knees, being laughed at, and then you saw nothing.

Well, you saw blackness.

And then when you came to, you were standing in the middle of Liyue Harbor. The world seemed duller but it was real. No one paid any mind to you, so you assumed you were a ghost.

It’s nice to still be able to watch the sun rise high above your hometown.

There’s no panic, no rush to find out what’s going on, you don’t need to. Your hands travel to your throat and the horrific wound is gone. In fact, all of the scrapes and bruises and imperfections on your body were gone. Death brings solace, you humor.

Your peaceful moment was interrupted by two frantic voices. They catch the attention of everyone in the area, including you, and you spin around quickly.

Xiao.

“Break the contract, please, Zhongli-” His voice is frazzled, filled with a sadness the living can’t understand. “I can’t live without them.”

You looked down at your left hand, heart shattering at the absence of the jade ring. Right. You were going to marry Xiao later that year. Not anymore.

A hundred thousand memories of sweet kisses and long nights flooded into your mind. They caused you to hold your breath, too many emotions crashing through your tired form. You felt like crying but couldn’t (ghosts didn’t have tears, you guessed).

You’re standing right in front of the love of your life and he can’t see you.

Maybe it’s a good thing he can’t see you because Xiao already looked wrecked. His eyes were puffy and red and his hair was disheveled. Unhealed scratches wound his arms like ribbon. You had been with Xiao for years, through the good and the bad, and never once had you ever seen him in this state.

He’s pleading still and Zhongli has an indescribable expression on his face. “I can’t,” His voice is barely a whisper, “You know I can’t.”

Xiao wails, falling to his knees. Zhongli feels his pain, you know he does, yet he won’t put him out of misery. You watch as Zhongli bends down and lifts the adeptus into his arms, swiftly walking away from the crowd. You follow ensuite and Xiao’s eyes are hazy, staring through you over Zhongli’s shoulder.

“I’m right here.”

But he doesn’t hear you.

The brightness of the sun, will give me just enough To bury my love, in the Moondust I long to hear your voice, but still I make the choice To bury my love, in the moondust

You begin to follow Xiao around. Not that he goes anywhere, too heartbroken to move, but you keep watch of him like he once did for you.

He resorts to staying in Zhongli’s apartment. The consultant isn’t around most of the day and Xiao rarely leaves his bed. His tears stain the satin pillowcase and he curls upon himself. Sometimes you stand in the doorway and stare, other times you muster up enough courage to go and sit on the unoccupied side of the bed.

The first time you touch Xiao again is at night. He’s crying and without thinking, you wrap your body around his. His chest is pressed against yours and you press your lips to his shoulder.

It’s not warm anymore. In fact, it feels like nothing.

But still, you hold Xiao until he’s asleep. You don’t let go all night, opting to watch your beloved finally get some rest. You wonder if this is how it’s going to be for the rest of eternity? Would you follow Xiao around aimlessly for centuries more?

Or maybe you’re just stuck here. You recall a saying from an elder in Liyue years ago, “Spirits with unfinished business can’t move.”

You decided then that you were going to help him move on, help Xiao bury his love for you.

Nothing can breath, in the space Colder than, the darkest sea I have dreams about the days, driving through your sunset breeze But the first thing, that I will do Is bury my love for you

There’s no book about being a ghost. You have to figure it out on your own and you’ve never been more grateful no one can see you go straight through the wall for the third time that hour. Over time, you create your own handbook in your mind, jotting down anything you discover as your time as a dead person entails.

Within the first week, you understand that no one can see you, hear you, or feel you. And while you can vaguely touch objects and people, the sensation is different than when you were alive. Every human trait was thrown out the window - you don’t need to sleep, breathe or eat and drink anything.

You attend your funeral exactly a week after your body was discovered and someone propped your sword against your casket. You try to grasp it, to pick it up, but you only manage to push it over with a gust of nonexistent wind. It clambers to the floor, the funeral parlor growing silent, and you take this as your cue to leave.

You wondered if Xiao, or anyone of that matter, could sense you at least. Even if Xiao couldn’t see you, just him knowing you were there would ascend you to the afterlife (right?).

You also find out you can’t leave Liyue. There’s an invisible border keeping you trapped in the country and, frankly, you don’t mind. Xiao won’t leave Liyue so you don’t need to leave Liyue. But sometimes you get anxious that one day Xiao will leave Liyue and never return. And if you haven’t accomplished your goal yet, would you truly be stuck as a monster among men?

The brightness of the sun, will give me just enough To bury my love, in the Moondust I long to hear your voice, but still I make the choice To bury my love, in the moondust

On particularly good days, Xiao talks to you. Zhongli was gone early one morning and Xiao pulled himself out of bed and to the living room, opting to open the blinds and see sunlight for the first time in weeks.

You sit on the coffee table with your legs criss-crossed as Xiao mumbles desolate words.

“I keep just wishing I would wake up dead. I miss you so much.”

You frown. “I’m here, I’m right here.”

But he can’t hear you. “You aren’t here to make me laugh at your stupid jokes anymore. And I just...I should have been there! I should have-”

His voice cracks and you move off the coffee table, wrapping your arms around his quivering body. You try to press yourself against him, squeeze your arms so tight that he’ll feel you, but you can’t. You can’t kiss his chapped lips and move your bodies so he’s curled into the crook of your neck.

Sometimes, you watch Xiao hurt himself. He digs his nails into his arms or thighs until he draws blood, only to push it all away and scream into the ground. You want to snap him out of him, tell him to stop doing that to himself, but you can only sit and stare.

You were nothing to Liyue - a common human who added nothing of importance to society. Yes, your death was sad for many people but the world kept turning. Xiao, on the other hand, was so special. He was the Vigilant Yaksha - the people of Liyue needed him forever.

“I miss you. I love you. I miss you.”

I'm a cast away, and men reap what they sow And I say what I know, to be true Yeah I'm living far away, on the face of the moon I've buried my love to give the world to you

Xiao goes out sometimes. It’s either to patrol the city or on a walk with Zhongli. It’s not much but it's an improvement. Like always, you follow him.

He’s started to have nightmares, waking up in a rush. He used to comfort you when you had nightmares and it pains you that you can’t return the favor. You try, by God, you try. You run your hands down his back comfortingly but Xiao only cries harder.

When Xiao sees Ganyu for the first time in months and she gives him homemade almond tofu, he smiles. It’s small and quick but you see it.

Growing up, you had thought that the living mourned the dead. When your grandmother died, you felt broken for a while, but that pain was minimal compared to this. Having to live endless days as an invisible soul while the living grieved was unbearable.

When no one is around, Xiao breaks down. He hurts himself, insults himself and wishes for you endlessly. When Xiao tries to jump off the roof of the apartment complex in the middle of the night and survives with only an injured arm, you realize he’s pushing his body. He’s trying to kill himself.

So, you scream.

Every waking hour of the day you scream.

“I’m right here, Xiao! I love you and I’m right here! I’m sorry for being careless and getting killed but you aren’t ready to join me yet!”

You know he doesn’t hear you, he can’t hear you, and yet Xiao slowly stops hurting himself.

The brightness of the sun, will give me just enough To bury my love, in the Moondust I long to hear your voice, but still I make the choice To bury my love, in the moondust

It takes a year for Xiao to finally begin to cope with your death and you know your journey will be coming to end soon.

He still talks to you except now it’s hopeful and filled with acceptance. On the anniversary of your death, he travels to the Dragon-Queller early in the morning. He sits down in the spot he used to take you to and rubs the grass softly, as if motioning for you to sit down next to him.

You do.

“I’m leaving Liyue next week.”

A million feelings run through your veins. You want to throw up, scream, cry. Is a week enough time to get Xiao to move on from you? Had he already moved on? There were too many questions you couldn’t fucking ask.

You can’t bear to listen to the rest. Your feet travel on their own, taking you far away from Xiao and back into the heart of Liyue Harbor. You didn’t know where you were until you heard a voice call out for you.

“Hey, you!”

You were imagining voices now. You felt sick to your stomach.

“Y/N!”

A short, young woman came into your view and you finally looked up. You had walked right into the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor. Hu Tao was staring at you, not through you.

“I knew you were still here.”

Hu Tao could see you.

It didn’t make sense but you didn’t have time to make it make sense. Without thinking, you cried out to Hu Tao and begged her to help you save Xiao, save yourself.

“I want to go with him,” You say.

“But you can’t.”

“Then he’s going to forget about me.”

Hu Tao chuckled softly, “You think Xiao would forget about you?”

You don’t answer. Maybe it was you that didn’t want to forget about Xiao. Either way, it hurts. “He’s going to fall in love with someone new and-”

“Isn’t that what you want?”

It was. You wanted Xiao to be happy without you, to learn to love again. You wanted him to bury his love for you so you could both be free.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Hu Tao says, “Xiao will find you again one day.”

She clasps her hands together and reaches them out to you. You look down and see a moving image of Xiao. He’s still talking softly, this time with a small smile on his lips. You close your eyes suddenly, not wanting to see anymore. You step outside of the funeral parlor and whisper “I love you” into the wind.

The sun is shining high in the sky when Teyvat begins to disappear from your vision.

Maybe in another life you and Xiao will spend forever together. You’ll have a grand wedding, start a family, and grow old together like you should have. But for now, you’ll see him from the moon.

[roseworth]

Only Fools Do What I Do

listen i know i said i wasnt going to make anything for today but i started thinking about this last night right before i fell asleep and i really wanted to make it :) 

word count: 2055

relationship: eugene/rapunzel

description: Right after Eugene "left" Rapunzel, they both need to come to terms with their separation and loss of hope. Rapunzel travels back to her tower, and Eugene is stuck in a prison cell. All they can do is think of each other and reflect on where they went wrong.

@autumn-ravenclaw @gleamful-lanterns for new dream appreciation week day 3- date (he calls the day they met a date so im counting it lol). 

title inspired by FOOLS by Troye Sivan

AO3

Rapunzel felt like an idiot.

Mother had told her that the world was cruel, yet she still had the nerve to be surprised. She should have known better. If she had never left her tower in the first place, she wouldn’t be hurting like this right now. It would have been better to just listen to what her Mother told her.

She could have given Eugene his satchel back as soon as she realized that he wasn’t after her hair. She could have even gone back on one of the many instances he tried to convince her to. She was stubborn and didn’t listen to anything but her own naive thoughts about the world.

And look where that got her.

She hadn’t slept all night. She and her Mother were traveling back to the tower after the disaster that was her trip outside. Mother had tried to tell her that he was just using her, but she refused to listen.

She realized she was still gripping tightly onto the small flag of the kingdom Eugene had bought her. She hid it away, making sure Mother wouldn’t see it and take it away from her. She just wanted one small reminder that it was real, that she really did leave her tower.

But was any of it real? Had he really been manipulating her that entire time?

The previous night at the campfire had felt genuine. She thought that they had truly connected. And they had spent the entire day in town together. That had easily been the best day of her life, and she knew she would keep that memory held in her heart forever. She just thought that he had felt the same way. Every time he had smiled at her and she felt her heart flutter, was that really all part of the ruse?

As she ran her thumb over the small piece of cloth she held in her hand, she tried to be angry at Eugene. Of course she should be mad. He had left her behind, and had told those ruffians about her hair. The memory of him sailing away, crown in hand, was burned into her mind. He had made her trust him just to betray that trust.

Mother told her that she shouldn’t have expected anything more from a conman, and maybe she was right. He never really cared about her, and he had sold her out at the first opportunity he got.

It just didn’t add up. He had the crown, she had given it to him. If that was all he was after, why tell the thugs about her hair? Did he really want to add salt to the wound that badly? Eugene wouldn’t do that. Or maybe he would. Apparently he had been lying to her the whole time, so she didn’t even know what he was really like.

Her mind wandered to their moment underneath the glow of the lanterns. 18 years of dreaming culminating into one perfect moment, and she spent it with him. She remembered everything he had said to her, and the way she felt alive, maybe for the first time, sitting near him and looking into his eyes.

She had misread the signals. Mother had told her time and time again that she was too naive to be in the world, and this was why. She had thought Eugene could really care about her, but it had all been a scam.

Just that thought made her eyes well up with tears. She tried to blink them away, but they were already quietly streaming down her face.

He never cared about her. All their time together had been a lie. Their time together at the campfire. Their day in town. Their almost-kiss under the lanterns. It had all been a part of his scheme to get the crown back.

Her Mother had stayed quiet their entire walk home. Rapunzel knew she was disappointed. Not only had she betrayed her Mother’s wishes, she had also forgotten everything Mother had ever told her about the world.

She tried to wipe away the tears that continued to fall down her face, but they wouldn’t stop. Every breath hurt to take. Every step felt like a mile. The grass she had been so excited to walk on now seemed like it was mocking her from under her feet.

The world was just as cruel as Mother had described, and she had fallen into its trap. She was stupid to believe she could be any different than what Mother had always told her she was.

When they finally arrived back at the tower, the sun was starting to peak up in the sky. Mother took a deep breath. “Here we are, safely home again!” she singsonged.

Home. The tower was the only home she had ever known, but it didn’t feel like home anymore. She had felt so at home with Eugene in just the span of a few days. Now that she was back at the tower, it felt distant and foreign. She couldn’t remember a time that she really felt happy inside the tower. At least not as happy as she had felt outside of it.

She took a shaky breath, wishing that she could stop crying. It felt like there was a hold in her chest as she remembered what the past few days had been. She was so happy. But none of it was real.

Her Mother groaned beside her. “Oh, please, Rapunzel, will you stop crying? It’s very unbecoming,” she berated. “Besides, you have no right to be upset. I told you what would happen, why are you surprised?”

Rapunzel sniffed and nodded, trying to brush away her tears yet again. “I’m sorry, Mother.”

Mother hummed in acceptance, then started leading her back towards the tower. “Come, come, My Flower, let’s get that dreadful braid out of your hair.”

-

Eugene felt like an idiot.

She was in danger right now, and it was all his fault. He should have known that the Stabbingtons wouldn’t be very accepting of his change in heart. If they hurt her, he was the reason why. She would have never gotten caught up in this mess if it weren’t for him.

He could have just thrown the satchel towards the Stabbingtons and left, not bothering to make conversation with them. Hell, he could have thrown the satchel into the water the second she tried to give it to him.

He should have at least told her where he was going. Now not only is she in danger, she thinks that he had given her up. Maybe he didn’t deserve for her to know the truth, though. No matter his intentions, it was his fault that she was at the hands of the Stabbingtons now. She had every right to hate him for that.

He hadn’t slept all night. Distantly, he realized his hand was stinging. He was pretty sure he had punched a wall in frustration earlier, but his mind was racing and everything that had happened since he had woken up tied to the boat was a blur. He had been pacing this tiny cell for hours trying to think of a solution. He couldn’t escape, not for lack of trying. He had wanted to pick the lock to get out and find her, but there were guards on every side of the corridor. He had no chance of getting out unseen.

He had even tried to talk to the guards and try to get them to let him go, but they refused to hear him. He honestly couldn’t blame them though. Saying that he needed to leave because the Stabbingtons had kidnapped a girl for her magic hair sounded a little bit crazy.

She didn’t deserve any of this. She was the best person he had ever met. She could light up the world just by smiling. She had just gotten to experience the world for the first time, and now she was going to be torn away from it. All because of him. 

There was no way for him to know where she was, or if she was okay. He hoped she was able to get away from the Stabbingtons, but he honestly doubted it. The Stabbingtons were not above hurting her to overpower her if she had something they wanted. And clearly, she did have something they wanted.

How did they even know? Were they following him the whole time? Maybe they had been there when she healed his hand and told him about her power. But if that was the case, why would they wait so long to reveal themselves? Surely it would have been easier to take them by surprise at the campsite.

Nothing was adding up, but his thoughts were too clouded to try to piece everything together. The only thing he could think about was the fact that Rapunzel was in danger and there was nothing he could do about it.

He wanted to take a breath, but his body wouldn’t let him. He just continued his nervous pacing back and forth as if that would help him come to a solution. He couldn’t stop imagining her, lost and hurt somewhere and wishing for some way out.

He hoped she was cursing his name right now. He hoped she was angry, wishing that she never met him. He hoped she hated him as much as he hated himself. Because he deserved for her to hate him, and he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he thought that she didn’t hate him for everything he has done.

A lump started to build up in his throat. He tried to ignore it or swallow it away, but it was overwhelming all his senses. It had been years since he let himself cry, and he didn’t want to start now. But his face was heating up and the tears were making their way out.

All at once, it was like all the feelings he had kept at bay for all these years were flowing out of him. He cried because he was alone in this cell, he cried because she was in danger wherever she was, he cried because there was nothing he could do anymore. He had fucked up, and there was no turning back.

He tried to quell his sobs to no avail. The universe kept dealing out more blows, and his brain was screaming at him. Every decision he had made led to her getting taken by the Stabbingtons. If he hadn’t even started thieving 15 years ago, she would be safe and okay right now. It wasn’t fair that she was paying for his mistakes.

The tears rolled down his face and hit the dusty cell floor below him. His entire body was shaking, and all he wanted to do was scream and cry and curl up in a ball until everything was okay.

He couldn’t help her. He couldn’t do anything. He had been useless all his life, and the only good thing he had ever done was help her see the world outside that god awful tower, and even then she did most of that on her own. If anything, he had been a hindrance to her.

He furiously tried to rub his eyes to stop the tears that wouldn’t stop coming. Why couldn’t he have been better? Why didn’t he do more to stop the Stabbingtons?

One question had been running through his mind all night, and he had been chastising himself over and over. Why didn’t he kiss her when he got the chance?

That was the least of his worries, but the question was still haunting him. He would likely never get the chance again, and he had the opportunity to right there. It was the most simple mistake he made, and it might not have made a difference, but now he just has to live with the fact that he could have and he didn’t.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard the door to his cell open. He turned to see the Captain standing in the doorway. “Let’s get this over with, Rider.”

“Where are we going?” he asked, though he was pretty sure he already knew the answer. The Captain’s silence confirmed his suspicions. “Oh.”

[illfoandillfie]

Celebration Day

BxRxJ Masterlist

Pairing: Ben Hardy x Joe Mazzello x Reader

Summery: Ben's birthday gift is as much a surprise for you as it is for him.

Warnings: SMUT (18+), oral sex (m receiving), nothing especially kinky,just some good ol’ fashioned birthday/reunion sex

Words: 2164

A/N: This wasn’t really planned. I knew I wanted to do more brj but I didn’t have any solid plans for it. And then the other day, while I was writing something else entirely, I had the sudden urge to do this piece. Technically this is for Ben’s bday but like well late lmao

Taglist:  @laedymoon​​  @dtfrogertaylor​​   @ezmina98​​  @vee-ndetta​​ @atomic-watermelon​​ @kellypenac​​ @labessieisallama​​ @deakyclicks​​ @jennyggggrrr​​ @drowseoftaylor​​  @hannafuckingsucks​​  @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming​​ @queenmylovely​​ @supersonicfreddie​

It was two in the morning on the second of January when the text came through.

Joe: HAPPY BIRTHDAY BENNY 💕😘

Ben reached for it automatically, making you groan when you were forced to pull away from his chest before you’d finished the hickey you’d started. “Y’know if you’re not interested I can always go to sleep,” “Thought you said you were too tired to sleep,” Ben said distractedly as he typed a reply. “Well maybe I’ll just go watch Netflix then,” you pushed yourself up, swinging your leg back over Ben’s hips and making to slip out of the bed. Ben’s arms wrapped around your waist, hoisting you back onto his lap as you squealed, “No need for that, I promise I’m very interested. You were saying something about a present?” “Finished flirting with your boyfriend then?” “I can flirt with him and make out with you at the same time, see, I’ll prove it,” with one hand he opened the camera on his phone as his other cupped your face and pulled you towards him. You giggled at the snap of the camera, letting Ben break the kiss to examine the photo. That’s how the last month and a half had gone, texts and emails and Skype sessions. It wasn’t easy but you made it work, kept up the habit of checking in with each other so you knew how everyone felt. Regular date nights happened over websites that let you sync up movies and telephone calls on speaker. One time Joe went to the MoMA and kept you and Ben on video chat the whole time, showing you everything he saw. It made the distance easier to bare though it couldn’t hold a candle to the real thing. “Joe’s gonna love it,” he said softly as he sent it off, “or at the very least he’s going to be insanely jealous and come back sooner.” From outside the bedroom you heard a text alert. “Did I send it to you accidentally?” Ben asked, looking back down at the screen. “My phone’s right here,” “Well, shit. I wanted it to be a surprise.” Both you and Ben whipped your heads around at the sound of Joe’s voice, finding him standing in the doorway, his phone clutched in one hand, Ben’s spare key dangling from his finger. “What are you doing here?” “Who cares Ben, as long as he’s here.” Joe dropped his bag where he stood, letting the key and phone fall on top before rushing to the side of the bed. You wriggled out of Ben’s grasp, almost throwing yourself at Joe and kissing him hard. He sighed against your lips, hands falling to your waist and then sliding lower still. Ben cleared his throat behind you, “excuse you but I believe it’s my birthday,” “Sorry, honey,” Joe mumbled as he let you go. There was a half second pause as you stepped back and then suddenly Joe rushed forward and threw himself onto the bed, making Ben yell as all of Joe’s weight landed on his lap. “Still as clingy as ever,” Joe laughed before wrapping his arms around Ben’s neck and leaning in to kiss him too. You couldn’t stop smiling as you walked around to the other side of the bed and climbed in beside them.

“Seriously though,” Ben said, looking more than a little dazed, “What are you doing here? When did you get back? Why didn’t you tell us?” “I’m here because I missed you both too much to stay away any longer. I got back about, um, maybe an hour ago, bit longer I guess. And I didn’t tell you because I didn’t get you a birthday present and I figured this could be it. I expected you’d be asleep when I sent the text, so I was going to crash in the other room and surprise you in the morning but then you replied. What are you both doing up so late?” “We might have spent most of the day sleeping off a couple of hangovers,” You said slyly, leaning your head against Ben’s shoulder. “I did wonder how you’d go today, both of you looked pretty plastered in some of those photos. Didn’t realise Lucy and Rami would throw such a rager.” “Yeah, it was fun,” Ben laughed, “but god today, yesterday rather, was awful.” “Not so awful now though?” “Definitely not.” “Good, especially since I seem to have interrupted something,” Joe pressed his finger against one of the marks you’d left there moments before. “Y’know, Joe, if you’d given me some warning you were coming home I could have prepared something special for both of you.” “Oh?” Joe looked at you questioningly, “You mean like a cake or something?” “Uhh, not quite,” Ben cocked an eyebrow and looked toward you, “Are you talking about what I think you’re talking about?” “What? What’s she talking about?” “Well you have to admit this seems like the sort of occasion that would warrant…that kind of thing.” “You’d do that with us? I didn’t think you’d be into it,” “If you’d asked me a few months ago I would have thought the same thing but, I don’t know, guess I’ve been thinking about it a bit lately,” you shrugged, “but only if I had time to like get ready first.” “If one of you doesn’t explain soon I might just fuck off back to the US,” You laughed and shook your head, “double penetration, Joe, that’s what I was talking about.” Ben let out a bark of laughter at the sight of Joe’s stunned face, “So you were talking about what I thought you were talking about, good.” “Two things. Firstly,” Joe held up one finger, “Is this whole understanding each other with half a sentence to go off of thing something you’re going to be doing a lot? And two,” he put up a second finger, “Y/N, I love you.” “Well, like I said, it’s not happening right now,” “Doesn’t stop me from thinking you’re incredible for even suggesting it.” “There is something else I can do for you now though,” You pushed yourself up on your knees and shuffled to the end of the bed, holding out your hand to Joe in invitation to take the spot you’d just vacated. He obliged, glancing at Ben as he settled against the pillow, both of them smiling as you settled back on your knees. It was nice seeing them both again, back in the same place, the same room, the same bed. You took a breath to steady yourself, the pure joy of the moment threatening to overwhelm you. When you felt you’d calmed down enough you moved closer to them, between their legs, reaching forward to undo the fly of Joe’s pants. He was quick to kick them off, eager after so long away. For a moment both boys watched you, eyes glued to your lips when you let a string of saliva drip down, to your hand as you began pumping it over his shaft, spreading the spit from base to tip. Their breaths were shallow and audible. “Christ,” Joe groaned, head falling back against the pillow when you finally took him in your mouth, going slowly. Ben chuckled and propped himself up, “On any other birthday I’d complain about you getting more attention than me. But I think I can let it slide today.” Joe’s own laugh was muffled as Ben kissed him. You pulled up, one hand stroking Joe’s thigh softly, “Don’t worry Benny, haven’t forgotten you.” Ben groaned and broke the kiss as you pulled the waistband of his joggers down, much quicker to wrap your lips around his head. Joe took the opportunity to lift his shirt off over his head, grabbing the hem of Ben’s as soon as he was done. You brought one hand back to Joe’s cock as you took Ben a little deeper, listening for their groans and sighs of pleasure as their lips met once more. Alternating between the two of them, you bobbed your head over one and your hand over the other, taking them deeper each time, until the room was full of their moans, muffled by each other’s tongues, and your gags. Each time you came up for air and to switch, you would steal a glance at them, smiling to yourself at the way the looked when wrapped up in each other, their hair mussed, eyes closed, fingers grasping. If you took too long though one of them was sure to blindly reach for your head, pushing you back down. You squeezed your thighs together, trying to ignore how wet you were to focus on them instead.

And then Joe moved, slipped out of Ben’s reach, behind you. You pulled off of Ben, taking note of the fucked out, slightly stunned expression on his face as you turned to find Joe. “What’re you doing?” you half laughed, his fingers tickling your thighs as he pulled your pants down your legs slowly, “you didn’t finish yet.” He pulled you back against his chest, breath against your ear sending a shiver down your spine with every word, “As much as I love what you’re doing, and believe me I love it, I’ve been thinking about your pussy for weeks now. So, if you don’t mind…” he plucked the hem of your underwear. “S’pose I can accept that,” you turned your head so he could see your smile, which only got wider as he pressed a kiss to the side of your mouth and then a few more along your jaw. Shaking your head to bring yourself back to earth, you made to lean forward once more, intending on finishing what you’d started with Ben. Except that Ben moved too, pushing himself to his knees in front of you. His hands found your tits, squeezing them as Joe’s fingers slipped into you. Before you had time to register the changes, you were caught between them, three of Joe’s fingers pumping into you as Ben’s hands wandered over your body. “Ready?” Joe asked, receiving only a whine in response. He chuckled, “I’ll take that as a yes,” and then you were holding onto Ben’s shoulders as Joe pushed into you, slowly working himself deeper. You’d known you missed Joe but feeling him like that, his breath coming in pants against the back of your neck, his hands holding you tightly, his hard length buried as deep in you as he could possibly get, you were hit by the sudden realisation of you how much you’d missed having him in this specific way. He held you differently than Ben did, fucked you differently. It wasn’t better or worse but it was different and you’d missed it so much. “You okay?” Ben asked softly, catching sight of your face. “I’m fucking wonderful,”

As soon as you told him to move Joe brought his hips back and then snapped them forward once more, building up a quick pace. You leaned your head back against his shoulder, back arching towards Ben as he plucked at your nipples. It was a far cry from the slow steady way you’d blown them. Distance had made Joe desperate and needy, fucking you fast, making you moan as he did everything to prove that time and space apart hadn’t made him forget what you liked. His fingers danced over your clit as he rammed into you. Not the slow, romantic night of passion you’d perhaps envisioned when you thought about Joe’s return, but still perfect in its own way. You came with a cry, Joe still rubbing your clit, though somewhat less consistently, as he finished too. You could feel his seed dripping out of you as he pulled out, tilting your head to the side so he could kiss you deeply. You almost bit his tongue as you felt Ben push his cock between your legs, both of them working to adjust your position slightly to make it easier. You ended up with one leg draped over Joe’s arm, their steady support the only thing keeping you from collapsing on your slightly shaky leg. Joe moved his mouth to your neck, leaving marks down to your shoulders, occasionally pausing in his path to whisper dirty words into your ear. Ben’s thumb took over rubbing your clit until you fell over the edge again, swearing as you became too sensitive under the circles his thumb was making. He shifted his hand to your waist, holding you as he thrust into you, his own orgasm approaching. You clenched around him, unintentional, caused by Joe biting down on that particular spot, but it was enough to have Ben grunting through his release.

They let you go gently, making sure you were okay as you crawled up the bed and collapsed against the pillow, Ben stealing another kiss from Joe before they both joined you, Joe in the middle where both of you could reach him.

[moonflower-31]

You Found Me - Gabriel x Reader

Warnings: Language? Somewhat? Oh and some self doubt, but not a lot. There is a looot of angst though. This is part of a two part oneshot. Hope you enjoy the feels.

Pairing: Gabriel x Reader

Character(s): Gabriel, Dean, Sam, Castiel

You were worried, to put it simply. Gabriel had told you three weeks ago he'd start to change. That he would take you out more. See you more in general. Not go off to Chuck knows where, doing who knows what.

You were worried. Yeah. That's the word. You were also pissed. Pissed he hadn't answered your prayers at all in those three weeks. Dean and Sam and Cas had all been through all the ways to try and bring him back, figure out what was going on, except to summon him. You had insisted that be the first thing they do, but Cas had intervened. He had said that if Gabriel was gone somewhere, that it was probably good reason. And that he would answer them in other ways.

But look where that got you?

"Look, kid, I know you miss your archangel douche of a boyfriend but-" Dean starts, looking up from the table he sat at in the main library. You rolled your eyes and looked up from your lore book on angels.

"But what? Dean? He might actually be in real danger! And you're sitting there--eating take out!" You exclaim, gesturing to his heart-attack-inducing food in front of him. Dean immediately gave you an offended glare and wrapped an arm around his food. You rolled your eyes again, and then put your eyes back to the book you were reading. No one would tell you the summoning for an archangel. And since the only archangel that would be able to be summoned would be Gabriel, you figured your chances of getting his ass back here were pretty good.

"Come on, let him live a little! I mean, I don't like the guy but every now and then, a guy has to have his alone time. Find himself. I did it. Sam's done it more than once." Dean reminds. You shake your head. Dean continues. "What I'm saying is maybe you should stop trying to summon him and let him come when he's ready. I'm sure he's fine, alright? He would have let you of all people know he was in danger if he was." Dean reminds again.

You grumble and slam the book in your hands closed. "You know what? I'm done. Done with you, and Sam, and Cas's petty excuses! It's like you don't even care!" You exclaim, and stomp out of the library.

You stomp off and slam the door to your room closed, locking it behind you as you collapse onto your bed, wishing and praying for Gabriel to return.

He hadn't returned in three weeks. Not even when you were in danger on hunts and you prayed to him. It made you question if he even loved you anymore. The thought of it made you sick. But it was possible.

You felt your chest heave and tears began to pour from your eyes as you sat back up and pulled the book from where you had dropped it beside the bed. You began wiping away your tears only for new ones to take their place. You opened the book and kept scouring the pages as a knock came to your door.  You immediately hid the book under your sheets and then stood up, and went to the door.

"Who is it?" You ask.

"Castiel. Dean said you were upset."

"Go away Cas. I'm fine. Just distraught over your damn older brother, nothing new." You grumbled, walking away from the door and sitting back on your bed.

A flutter of wings sounds and you look up, finding the trenchcoated angel standing at the foot of your bed. "Y/N... Gabriel will be okay. I promise." He says, looking at you with as sincere enough eyes as an angel can probably muster.

You let out a sad chuckle. "Really Cas? Same speech as last time? I just want him back... I don't want to lose him..." you say, hugging your arms for a moment as you fight the incoming tears. Castiel walks over and wraps his arms around you in a comforting hug, letting you wrap your own arms around him as he holds you. You're appreciative of the gesture as he lets you cry, and lays you down on the bed when you fall asleep. Your first real sleep in days.

~~~~

When you reawaken, it's later in the day, around midnight. You sigh and check your bed, seeing the book still there. You bring it out and start flipping through it, until you find it. And after a few quick translations, find out what you needed for summoning your absent boyfriend.

You write a quick note of the ingredients you needed, and then got up. You had some of the ingredients. But lacked two. You needed some herbs and some leaves that were hard to come by. So you needed to talk to someone.

"Yeah, those'll do. Thanks. I'll be down to pick them up in a few hours. Thanks." You say, hanging up on the friend who owed you a few favors. He had some of the ingredients that you needed. And all you needed now was to put it all together. And say the chant, of course.

You were walking out of your room, when Sam stopped you. You raise an eyebrow as the tall, moose-like man stood in your way.

"Uh...Sam? What are you doing?" You ask, a bag of essentials on your back.

Sam gives you a bitch face. "Really? You really don't think I didn't see you sneak that book into your room? I've read it. And it has what we've been telling you we shouldn't be doing. Wait it out. Alright? I promise, it's all gonna be okay-" Sam starts.

At this point, you were done of hearing that. After so many instances of Dean, Sam, Cas, hell, even Charlie saying it, you were done. Absolutely done. So you snapped.

You immediately shoved Sam out of the way as soon as his guard was down, pinning his sleeve to the wall with one of your knifes. Sam calls out to Dean to alert him of your escape, but you're too quick. You race up the stairs behind you and then you exit the bunker, racing down the road as adrenaline fills your veins.

You didn't dare take the Impala, knowing Dean would kill you if you did.  He rarely let Sam off the hook when he took it. So what's to say he wouldn't kill you?

You finally slowed down near a gas n' sip, and found an abandoned car. You went into the store for a moment, and picked out a few of Gabriel's favorite sweets. You took them to the counter and payed for them before going back outside, and hotwiring the abandoned car.

The adrenaline had finally left you after you'd been on the road for awhile. You'd left your phone at the Gas n' Sip, so you weren't able to be tracked. Damn Sam and Charlie's hacking abilities.

You finally pulled up to your buddy's place around 4 am, and parked in their driveway.

"Damn, Y/N, you look great for three years gone." Your old pal Brad said as he opened the door. He opened the door for you to come in soon after, drinking a beer.

You smile but shake your head. "I'm sorry, but this is an urgent hunt. I need those ingredients now." You say.  Brad chuckled.

"Really? You ain't gonna sit down and tell me how you've been with those... those uh.." Brad starts.

"Winchesters." You remind, nodding a bit. "Yeah uh... not now. I don't exactly have the time. But uh... I promise, ill come by soon. Okay?" You promise. Brad chuckled.

"I'm just messing with ya. I know you're busy. Just lemme know if I can help at all. Okay? Any time of night or day. I've got open ears." Brad says, smirking at you with a broken smile. You smiled and nodded.

Brad soon disappeared behind the door, and after five minutes returned with the herbs you needed.

"Take care now. Call me if you ever need anything else." He says as he sees you off. You nod, and wave back at him as you climb back into your stolen car and pull back onto the dark road.

It wasn't until 5 am that you found the place. It was old, it was rusty. It was perfect. You found an old table and set everything up. You used your lighter and lit up the ingredients, soon after uttering the chant.

"Rah ah gah ee oh es Vee nu nohno kee ah seh peh teh poh ah ma lah deh zod" you utter, and a bright light enters the room. You shield your eyes and wait a few moments before you hear him.

"Really? You're resulting to summoning me?" Gabriel grumbles, looking at you annoyedly. "Im busy, Sugar." He says.

You weren't listening. You were merely relieved that he was okay. You walk around the table, and then wrap your arms around him, almost too tightly.

Then he pushes you away.

"Sugar, please. I'm busy. Can't this wait?" Gabriel asks. You look up at him dejected.

"Busy? You're just 'busy'?" You ask, venom and hurt in your voice. Gabriel looks a bit hurt by your words, but doesn't react otherwise.

"You promise me that you'll spend more time with me, cuddle more, hang out more, watch more movies, but no. No you're 'busy'" you hiss, looking at Gabriel with tears in your eyes.

"Yeah, I am. I’m not gonna keep having this conversation right now. Like I said, I'm busy. I have somethings I need to do." He says, looking at you.

You furrow your eyebrows. You stomp forward and you grab his collar. "You know what would have been appreciated? Gabriel? If you would let me know you were okay! I've been worried about you this entire time! 'What if he's been kidnapped and he's being tortured? What if it's my fault?' Wow, but you're too busy!" You spat, shoving him back and turning away from him.

Gabriel sighed. "Y/N, please, okay? I couldn't get back to you. And besides, this isn't something you should be worried about. I don't understand why you were so worried-" he says. You nod your head as you turned back around. You were done.

"Why am I so worried? Gabriel I have lost so many people, so many. So yeah, im sorry that I just don't want to lose another. Especially not you. But no, you can't understand that, can you?" You growl back. Gabriel rolled his eyes and went to speak again.

"Don't twist my own words against me-" he starts. You shook your head and pointed in his face.

"No, no you need to listen. You, don't understand how hurt you've made me. How badly, I kept thinking about myself. Thinking that you just didn't love me anymore. So you know what? I'm done. I don't care of you still do, or still don't. I'm done." You snap, shoving him back as you toss the altar over.

Gabriel goes to speak again, panick filling his eyes. But you shake your head.

"No, Gabriel. You've done enough damage." You hiss. "Come find me when you understand how I felt." You say before you cut your hand and start drawing a sigil on the wall.

"Sugar, please, we can talk this out-" he starts, walking towards you just as you finish the sigil and hit against it with your hand, sending him back wherever you'd summoned him.

You felt tears re-emerge from your eyes as you walk out of the building and climb into your car. You turn it back on and start driving down the road, sniffling a bit as you decided that enough was enough. You stopped by another Gas n' Sip and walked up to the pay phone.

You dialed a number in after using the last of the money you'd brought. After a few rings, the line picked up.

"Hey Brad... mind if I cash in that favor?"

[riviae]

what if geralt catches regis looking in the mirror, tells him to close his eyes, and starts softly touching different parts of his face and describing them to him. or he has someone paint a portrait for him to look at instead ;_; im sorry your post made me sappy

It became an odd habit of sorts–checking his nonexistent reflection in the mirror–Regis realizes as he brushes off specks of dust from his jerkin. The standing-length mirror situated in the corner of his crypt had been a bit of an inside joke at first–he was already a vampire living in a cemetery, after all; what was stopping him from indulging in a few more lighthearted jokes? He already felt a secret pleasure at the garlands of garlic and collection of silver utensils he kept in his makeshift abode, so it was only in due time that he picked up an antique mirror from one of the stalls in the Beauclair marketplace, careful to keep the glass wrapped in a heavy, dark green fabric until it safely passed the threshold of his home. 

And so the mirror remained, half-hidden in a dusty corner of the mausoleum, a few stray candles on a nearby table offering only a meager flicker of light. Not that Regis needed the candles either, but candles were a very human invention and one the vampire knew made humans feel just a little bit safer. Even if his only human visitor nowadays was Geralt, a witcher who could see perfectly fine in the dark, he had grown accustomed to the warm orange glow, the way the tiny beacons of light reminded him of his time spent amongst humans, learning and growing into the person he was today. 

Just as Regis moves to adjust the cuffs of his shirt, he hears it: a familiarly slow heartbeat and with it, the faintest whiff of blood. Not Geralt’s, thankfully, but as the witcher grew closer, Regis could tell that he had recently bathed and cleaned his armor–it was his swords that carried the scent of old blood–both monster and human–a scent that could never be washed out completely. The swords had spilled so much blood despite Geralt’s best attempts at pacifism. He was a kind-hearted man by nature, but he knew when his only option was to kill. 

“Hey,” the witcher greets, an easy grin upon his face. He meets his own gaze in the mirror before his eyes dart to the vampire. “Hmm… thought you hated mirrors.” 

Regis turns away from the mirror, giving the witcher a fond look. “I hate that I have to avoid them. It’s the same with dogs, sorcerers, and telepaths–I have no hatred for them, I just dislike that I must go out of my way to avoid them.” 

“I remember us having this conversation before. Think that was the first time I saw you really smile.” 

“Is that so?” Regis begins, “Your memory is impeccable as always.” 

“Only for certain things. Certain people,” Geralt replies, giving a tired shrug of his shoulders. 

The admission, no matter how casual, sends a pleasant thrum of warmth through the vampire. For a man allegedly devoid of emotions, Geralt had quite a way of expressing them. Regis didn’t bother hiding his teeth as he smiled, lips pulling into a wide, happy grin. 

“Careful with those fangs. Someone’s bound to notice,” Geralt teases.

“The only prying eyes here are the dead so I don’t think I have much to worry about.” With a lighthearted roll of his eyes, Regis turns back to the mirror, fiddling with his cuffs yet again. 

Geralt’s voice suddenly sounds distant–but perhaps that isn’t the right word. Regis knows what grief sounds likes, the hollowness of it, the way it echoes in the emptiness of what was lost; the witcher’s voice sounds bereaved, but there’s an underlying fondness to it. It’s reminiscent; hopeful, even. “Remember when we first got to Beauclair? How everyone crowded into your room to get ready for the banquet?” 

Regis huffs out a laugh. “How could I forget? Angouleme came in brandishing a pair of garden shears and asked me to cut her hair.” 

“You even humored everyone with your floating scissors routine.” 

Regis grew silent, unable to stop the flurry of memories that Geralt’s words had conjured up. 

There was Milva begrudgingly slinking into the chair in front of the mirror to let Regis trim her bangs, expression softening as the rhythmic motions of having her hair cut lulled her into a light doze. When she stirred, she gave Regis a serious look and thanked him for his services. Whether she knew that the vampire had noticed her slipping out into the stables near the palace to cry at night, had noticed the tired bags under her eyes, and had helped her fall asleep peacefully for the first time in weeks, Regis wasn’t sure, but he did know that it wasn’t long until Milva began saving him a seat beside her during breakfast. 

There was Cahir, usually silent and pensive, who suddenly showed a polite interest in all things related to Regis’ culture as a higher vampire. It was a unique parallel that they shared, both being sojourners in lands they did not belong to. Beauclair was as close to home as Cahir had been since Ciri–and then Geralt–had spared his life despite his connections to the Nilfgaardian Empire. Perhaps he had simply been feeling homesick as he sat in front of Regis’ mirror, invisible hands carefully trimming the are of his head where an axe nearly severed his scalp from his skull. 

Even Dandelion had stopped by his room at some point, waxing poetic about the Duchess while Regis ran a brush through the musician’s long, blond curls. Their conversation drifted easily from topic to topic, spanning the arts and politics until undoubtedly returning to news about their company. Dandelion had always shown a near selfless interest in Geralt’s safety, that much was obvious to Regis, and only solidified that, despite appearances, the man was a genuinely good friend to have. 

Then, his mind drifted to Angouleme. Perhaps the greatest tragedy of Stygga–he preferred to think of happier times, of happier memories, of the lopsided grins and loud laughter that she brought every day to the breakfast table while they wintered in Beauclair. And, of course, her endearing antics, which only increased in creativity when she realized that Regis had no reflection. 

When he finally spoke aloud, his lips twist into a wistful smile. “Ah, that was quite funny, wasn’t it? That was the first time anyone–human, vampire, or otherwise–saw my lack of reflection as interesting, as something to be explored and, dare I say, something endearing about me. I enjoyed having dear Angouleme on my shoulders… even if she did kick me a few times by mistake during her theatrical performance.” Regis pauses, his hands reaching on reflex for the leather strap of his satchel that wasn’t there. Instead, his hands found purchase in the fabric of his jerkin, fingernails scraping harmlessly against the surface. “You know, I would do it all again. Even knowing what I do now, knowing how this all eventually ends, I wouldn’t trade my time with our little rag-tag group for the world.” 

“Neither would I,” Geralt affirms, reaching over to squeeze Regis’ shoulder. The vampire was acutely aware of how his touch lingered there, the warmth and weight that radiated from the man’s simple comforting gesture. 

The reflection in the mirror shows only the witcher, one hand stretched out into the dark, grasp loose and empty. 

“It’s a bit strange, isn’t it?” Regis says. “It’s like I’m not even here. Without a reflection, it almost looks as if you’re talking to a ghost. It was difficult after Stygga to piece my body back together. Even with Dettlaff’s help… I was, well, I’m almost ashamed to admit it, but I was convinced for some time that I was truly dead. There was nothing left of me aside from my consciousness. And once I did grow strong enough to begin the arduous process of becoming flesh and blood again, I had no real memory of myself to work with. I could only build back my appearance based on how I’ve heard other people describe me, of how Dettlaff described me when I was naught but a bloody smear in a dish.” 

“Well, I think you did a good job,” Geralt replies, watching his own reflection as he–almost as if driven by instinct, some vestigial trait from the few vampire genes that were added to his mutated genome–reached up to gently cup the right side of Regis’ face. He knew exactly where Regis was, knew him well enough to reach out while his gaze remained fixed on the mirror, as if he was actually there beside him in the glass. It was only when he spoke again that he met Regis’ eyes, voice barely above a rumble. “You look a bit older, a bit more world-weary, but I recognized you immediately.” 

Regis immediately leaned into the touch. Here, in the privacy of the crypt, he allowed himself a brief respite. He had spent so long trying to hide parts of himself, to hide the parts of himself that had realized long ago that he had fallen for the witcher. But now, after all the weighty events they had lived through, Regis was tired–and this, the warm hand on his face, the feeling of a sword-callused thumb rubbing absentmindedly at the high point of his cheekbone… it threatened to undo him entirely. He knew Geralt would never so much as point his sword at him now, unable to even think about harming him despite his relative immortality–and yet, the steady, consistent thrum of affection he felt for the witcher? It sometimes felt like it was cutting him to pieces, reshaping him into something that would rather turn into a pillar of ash than never see Geralt again–but it also felt a lot like love. Adoration. A warmth in his chest at the sight of the white-haired witcher, gold eyes lidded in contentment whenever his gaze wandered over to Regis. 

“It’s really a shame you can’t see yourself,” Geralt says, hand drifting into Regis’ hair, gently combing a few dark grey locks behind his ear. “But I can help… if you’d let me.” 

Regis inhaled sharply, unable to do anything but give a shaky nod of his head, mind spinning. He feared what he might say, what tightly-held secrets he’d divulge for Geralt alone, his thoughts centering upon a simple mantra: I’m not alone in these feelings–I can’t be…

Geralt’s thumb traces the edge of the vampire’s brow almost reverently and Regis can’t help but shiver at the touch. “You’ve got dark, thick eyebrows mixed with a bit of grey and silver. It suits you. You didn’t always have as much grey in your hair as you do now… but I like it. Feels right, somehow.” 

The witcher’s hand drifts to the corner of the vampire’s left eye, index finger curled underneath a few black lashes of his bottom eyelid. “Your eyes are dark–almost as black as your eyelashes. It isn’t easy to see the separation between your iris and pupil. It makes it difficult to tell what’s going on in that head of yours sometimes, but I like that. Sometimes it’s too easy to read people. Ah, and you’ve always had a very obvious set of crow’s feet in the corner of your eyes. It just means you’ve smiled plenty. That you’ve been happy, and that even subconsciously, you were aware of the happiness you felt, that you let it show on your face after regenerating.” 

He continued, stepping away for only a moment, as if he were trying to put Regis’ entire visage to memory. As if this would be the only time he would get to see him like this again: unguarded, open, hopeful, a vulnerable side that clashed so obviously with his near immortality as a higher vampire. Geralt smiled, drawing closer yet again. “Hmm… your features all together make you look aristocratic. Like I’d see a painting of you in a castle. You’ve got an impressively crooked nose and a sharp jaw. Your cheekbones are high too and you’ve got a few wrinkles on your forehead that make you look distinguished. You’re stunning–you’ve always been stunning. ”

“Geralt…” Regis breathes, tone bordering desperation. “Please…” 

Wordlessly, Geralt closed the gap between them with a kiss, hands cupping Regis’ face. The vampire encircled his arms around Geralt’s shoulders, closing his eyes as he felt the tension in his body disappear. There was only the touch of Geralt’s lips against his own, the warmth of his hands against his cheeks, and the heart-tugging realization that he was truly home. It didn’t matter where he was, so long as Geralt was with him. Because Geralt knew him, knew all of him–the dark, the ugly, the cowardly, the parts of himself that kept him teetering on the edge of relapse–and still loved him. 

It had always been Geralt who saw him–the one person he trusted to be his mirror, to help him see the parts of himself that were worth loving. And it had made all the difference. 

[monohart]

clouds. (college!au)

ft. mark lee, sunny days and the brink of adolescence.

dating the campus’ radio dj was not an easy job

he was always, always busy, especially in the evenings.

he was exempted from 2/3 of his classes this semester to fit in broadcasting sessions and also to mentor the new broadcasters.

apparently they recruited a freshman, jisung. but he was a shy little bean, and mark needed to spend a lot more hours mentoring him.

which kinda meant that you would spend less time with your boyfriend

thankfully, y’all had similar classes.

there was this one class which was a capstone subject

which meant if u want to graduate u HAD to take it lol

and he aced all of the assessments in that subject so far this year

but you were just a bit competitive, so with exams coming, you planned to score a higher grade than him

which.. was an easy job, right? he spent most of his nights hosting the radio show anyway.

it both bugged and made you so extremely proud that mark was already getting proper job offers from major broadcasting channels

like when he got his first offer, he actually just finished a broadcast at around 3am, and was on the way back home

but he read the email on his phone and took a detour to your apartment

which scared the sh*t out of you

mark its almost 4am you could’ve just sent me a text??

“i don’t care i just needed to tell you this in person, oh my goodness is this even real????”

idk mark you tell me???

it was real, because he started getting offer after offer in the following week

but thankfully he didn’t pop by your place in the middle of the night again, after that first time

because you actually let him stay over that night and -

he held you in his arms as he leant against your headboard

and you just used him as a pillow because he you made him take a quick shower and he smelt of your soap but he still smelled of him and it was a comforting scent which sent you off the dreamland real quick

and he actually watched you fall asleep and made sure you were asleep before he pulled out his laptop to work on an assignment that was due the next day

when you woke up the next morning, you felt something cold and hard prod your back and you panicked for a moment before realising it was his laptop

and you heard the shower running so you knew it was mark going through his morning routine

but then you thought.... did he even sleep?

when he hopped out of the bathroom clad in same the clothes he wore the night before, he was still drying his hair with a towel

and his face was strew with exhaustion

but as soon as he saw you sitting groggily on the edge of your bed, his face lit up and he strode over to kiss the top of your head

“mark, did you even sleep?”

“nope, but i’m off again, i’ve got to hand in my assignment! i’ll see you for lunch?”

“wait what assignment?? did you need help on it?”

“nope, i got it done last night! thanks for letting me crash.”

before you could stop him, he pressed a hasty kiss on your lips before grabbing his laptop and bag and rushed out the door

and you sigh because

this was how dating mark lee, the campus dj, was like.

anyway

now, you guys were just a few days away from finishing the semester’s classes

and this was your last semester... given if you’ll pass the exams lol

so it was kinda the last few days you’d be able to spend together, on campus.

summer was coming

and the sun was so bright these days, it cleared the skies

no rain, none at all

which was not entirely Great because rainy days helped you study... and rainy days also meant more people tuned in on the campus radio

which meant

mark was kinda jobless today

which ALSO meant!!!

you could finally spend a whole day with him.

but, oh man...

when he called you around 11pm the night before, he was also checking his email and ... accidentally forgot that he had another assignment due at 8am the following morning

guess who didn’t get any sleep at all again!!!

your heart hurt seeing him work so hard

but somehow he convinced you to go to sleep first and not stay up to help him

he still got the assignment in on time because hes mark lee

so when you guys sat on the lawn in the middle of campus just like any typical college couple would on a nice sunny day, mark lay his head on your lap and used one of your textbooks to shield his eyes from the sun

and you were using his laptop to compile your notes from the semester, and also to help him tidy up his

“hey baby...?”

“hmm?”

you waited for mark to continue his sentence but he went silent

“mark, what?”

“mark-”

you lifted your textbook from his face only to find that he had fallen asleep.

his lips were slightly parted and he was snoring really quietly, and his fingers were in loose fists as they rested on his belly.

dont deny but you busted the biggest uwu didnt you

ofc like

you couldn’t possibly waste this precious photo opportunity but

your phone was just slightly out of reach rip

so when you grappled for it, mark woke up in an instant

he sat up real quick, and a tuft of his hair was sticking up messily.

“oh no, i didnt mean to-”

“so d’you wonder why we’re all clouds?”

you stared at each other with equally as confused frowns lol

like mark was actually

hella confused

but your expression literally read wtf

he didn’t really notice but instead yawned and held his arm out to you

and you move closer to him, snuggling into his side as he slowly lays the both of you down again, in a way so you could use his arm as a pillow.

the sun was really really bright so y’all lay there with your eyes squished shut

“we’re all just clouds, aren’t we?”

his serious question was met by your quiet scoff

“no, no, i’m for real. y’know how everything we do are for exams. exams this, assignments that... gpa... scores.. grades... deadlines... those kinda things. they turn us into clouds.”

“that is one extremely weird way to describe college students, mark.”

“no, baby, but... it’s accurate, isn’t it? the anxiety, stress, exhaustion... and just about everything we do turn us all into little clouds.”

“do elaborate, cause i don’t get why you’re comparing us to condensed water vapour.”

mark chuckled a little, and you roll your eyes figuratively, keeping your eyes tightly shut to shield it from the unforgiving sun.

"actually, never mind, it sounded way better in my head.”

at that point you were getting up to lie on your side

he turned his head and squinted at you as you gently placed a hand on his chest

"are you writing lyrics again?”

he hummed quietly and you shift a few inches closer to him.

“show me. i want to read those lyrics, no matter how dumb you think they are.”

“they’re not ready yet.”

“if you’re writing about anxiety, i can be your muse.”

“no way, you’re not a cloud. you’re a sunflower.”

he wrote lyrics all the time and most of the time he’d write them about you

sometimes he’d let you read them, sometimes he kept them to himself

and you’d catch him grinning idiotically over some lyric he wrote some time ago

so when he goes to sleep you would sneak a peak at it and it’s basically a love letter to first-date-you, or a diary entry of how he feels every time he sends u home from a date or from school but its so dreamy and seems unreal but you kNOW ITS REAL!!

bc u were there!!

anyway 

idk what came over you but you slung an arm around his torso and rested your head against his shoulder and he let out a quiet little puff of breath

you would think he’s pretty ok with skinship since y’all been together for so long

but yeah it was chill and okay and he’d be super clingy at home but when y’all were in public

man,,, he got so flustered and nervous

u just wanted to cuddle lol but he suddenly turned into a robot

the sun made everything seem slow and warm and sluggish which was pretty okay with you because you were finally spending time with mark!!!

and he was soft and squishy and a little bit awkward but so so so cute so u rly just wanted the moment to last longer

but no

just as u were about to drift off a Shadow™ loomed over u both

mark probably fell asleep again tbh

u heard a rly loud camera go CLICK and distinct voices whisper-yelling at each other

and there was a struggle

and the struggle ended with a Butt falling onto mark’s other shoulder

“MARK IM SO SORRY RENJUN PUSHED ME”

“NO YOU STINK YOU FELL BY YOURSELF”

“oh hey guys shut up the photo turned out alright”

“JENO SHUT UP THEY’RE RIGHT THERE”

mark was sitting up and you fussed over his other shoulder which was attacked by jaemin’s butt

and although he was so .. unfortunately.. woken up from his nap he was grinning and squinting up at his squabbling friends

and he chuckled as he watched u stand up and wrestle jeno for his phone to see the Photo

he was watching you chase chenle and renjun around the lawn, the two boys purposefully running slower to tease u

donghyuck sat down next to mark and put his head on his shoulder to mimic you from a few minutes ago

“oh you’re disgusting please go away.”

hyuck turned his head and batted his eyelashes up at mark who was still watching u with a dreamy smile

“you’re leaving soon, we just wanted to spend time with you before u abandon us”

mark laughed and told him he’s only graduating

but hyuck scowled and nudged mark with his elbow then gestured in your direction

“but you spend more time with her nowadays than you do with us”

mark let out a loud laugh and shook his head

“she’s my girlfriend.”

“so?”

“she’s my lover.”

“so??”

“she’s... everything to me.”

jisung, who was listening, gagged and haechan slapped mark’s tummy while hollering

and then u look over at them from the other side of the lawn, wondering why mark was lying on the floor again and why the other dreamies were surrounding him in a cultish circle

jeno and jaemin turned to face you with big chummy smiles on their faces and together they made heart arms at u

some other people on the lawn were beginning to stare and so u hide behind chenle bc renjun is too tiny

then jisung must’ve texted their group chat because renjun cackles and leads you back to the group

and u notice how bright mark’s face was which makes u blush like crazy as well

and even though stress from school, work and everything in general, was making u feel like a big and heavy raincloud

one look at mark lee made u feel like sunflowers and daisies

it totally didn’t help that when he’d look at you, the corners of his eyes would crinkle ever so slightly, and his eyes would shine with genuine adoration

and his cute little lips would stretch into the widest grin

uwu

and u bet the next batch of lyrics he gonna write is gonna be about you again!!

[raediggitydog]

In which one member of the nHo loses his beans

Vintage Beef woke up to an unfamiliar scene. Instead of his humble shack, he sat up to find a large, unfamiliar bedroom. He stumbled out of the room to find the rest of the house, which was wood with a cute chimney in the front room.

“Where on Earth…?” He stepped out the front door onto a small porch, reeling from the strange scene.

He stood on a small plateau, and just below him in a shallow valley, countless colorful buildings blended together, filled with the din of loud, cheery voices.

“Heya Beef!” A man in knightly armor waved happily as he flew past Beef, gliding down into the bright valley. Beef waved slowly, unsure of who that man was.

Beef returned to the house briefly, finding some armor and elytra hanging by the door. Strapping the wings on, he soared down, landing on a concrete road. He wandered down the street, examining the assorted buildings with curiosity.

“Yo Beef, whatcha lookin for?” A young man in a red sweater bounded towards him.

“Ah, hello there! What’s your name?” Beef reached out for a handshake.

The man cocked his head, blond hair falling into his face. “Is this a game? It’s me, Grian!”

Beef flushed awkwardly. “Um, I’m not sure that we’ve met before. Where are we?”

“This is hermitcraft- Are you sure you’re feeling alright?” Grian pressed his hands to Beef’s cheeks, making him uncomfortable.

He stepped back, eyeing Grian. “Hermitcraft… Never heard of it.”

Grian simply blinked. “Uh, I can’t tell if this is a prank. I think Mumbo is- HEY MUMBY?”

“DON’T CALL ME THAT IN THE SHOPPING DIST- Oh there you are! What’s wrong?” A man, evidently named Mumbo, trotted around the corner, straightening his red tie. A cute smile poked out from behind his sleek black mustache as he greeted them. “Hey Gri, hey Beef! What’s going on?”

“How do you all know my name?” Beef asked, exasperated.

Mumbo cocked his head, identical to Grian. “What are you talking about? We’ve been on the server together for nearly a year now, are you pranking us?”

“No! I’ve never met you two, and I’ve never been here! I fell asleep in my home in Mindcrack, and suddenly I’m here!” Beef gestured wildly around him. “I just want to go home!”

Mumbo and Grian were silent, and Mumbo’s brow furrowed. “Mindcrack… I’ve heard that name somewhere…”

“Maybe X will know,” Grian suggested.

Mumbo snapped. “Good idea, let’s go!”

The pair, followed by a confused Beef, took off, flying across the so-called shopping district. Along the way they passed multiple other people, each waving happily. One person, however, Beef recognized. “Doc?”

Mumbo nearly fell out of the sky and Grian did a flip as Beef tearfully greeted Doc. They landed in the clearing below them, and Beef gave Doc an enormous hug.

“Dude, where have you been?We all thought you were dead!” Beef sniffled into Doc’s shoulder.

“Bro, I was just in Hermitville this week, I wasn’t gone that long!” He chuckled, patting Beef’s back. “You always were a sensitive one.”

“No! You’ve been missing from Mindcrack for nearly three years! Why didn’t you tell us where you were going?”

Doc cocked his head, just like Grian and Mumbo- it must be a hermitcraft thing. “Mindcrack? I left, and you were the host of my farewell party! Besides, we just moved to hermitcraft, it wasn’t a big deal… Are you feeling alright?”

Beef felt very small all of a sudden. “Why do none of you believe me? Am I losing my mind?”

Doc frowned thoughtfully- a familiar sight that almost made Beef cry from nostalgia. “This is very strange. We need to go see X immediately.”

Beef followed the three, flying closely to Doc. It was all too strange. Just the other day he was building a cute house on stilts, and now he was here. Doc was here too- Beef hoped he could get home, simply so he could tell his friends that Doc wasn’t dead.

“Here we are! X should be waiting for us down there.” Mumbo spiraled down into the base slowly, while Grian opted to dive straight down. Doc kept an eye on Beef as they descended gently.

“Hello boys! What do you need today?” A man in full body armor greeted them cheerfully. He was intimidating, despite having a lilting voice.

“We’re not entirely sure, honestly.” Mumbo wrung his hands.

“Beef doesn’t remember hermitcraft- at all.” Doc glanced at Beef.

“But he does remember Doc, because they were on Mindcrack together,” Grian pointed out.

“What’s your name?” Beef added.

X stood silent for a moment. It was impossible to tell his expression from behind the helmet. “Well. I’m… not sure. I’m sorry, everyone.”

“What!?” Mumbo and Grian exclaimed in unison.

“But I thought you were an admin, with powers and stuff!” Grian cried.

X shook his head sadly. “This could be an issue of any number of things. Unfortunately, there’s no safe way to find out. I suppose our best course of action is to help Beef become reaccustomed with hermitcraft until his memory hopefully returns.”

“What? Why can’t you send me back?” Beef began to tremble.

“I’m sorry Beef, but you’re having delusions of some sort. We need to do some research until we can figure out what’s going on.”

“Im not delusional. No, no I can’t stay here!” His vision blurred. “I can’t! I have to get home! They need me, I have to go back! Please send me back, please!”

“Beef, calm down, we’ll figure this out!” Grian set a hand on Beef’s shoulder, but Beef whirled around, slapping him across the face with a crack.

“DON’T TOUCH ME! This is all a dream, you’re not real! This isn’t real, it isn’t real!” He collapsed, his limbs going numb.

He didn’t notice Mumbo and Doc approaching from behind until they had grabbed his arms, restraining him. He fought them violently, attempting to bite their arms as they dragged him away.

“No no NO I can’t! I can’t stay here! You have to let me go! Bdubs will find me! He’ll find me and kill ALL of you! Bbuds where are you!? Help, someone HELP! Let go of me you demons! I have to leave! Let me GO!” He fell to the cold stone floor, convulsing as he sobbed.

“I’m sorry Beef, this is the only way.” Mumbo whispered through tears. He shivered, watching his poor friend Beef writhe across the stone floor of the jail cell, unaware of his own actions. “I hope you feel better soon.”

[dontyouhearmehowling]

oh my god. Ok so I just scrolled through your blog and my heart hurts because there is so much love and just so much stuff I can relate too and I just ahhh damnnn it I cant even but like can I please have the story of your relationship with this girl your with? please? i'm a hopeless romantic I feel too much I love so hard my own love life is complicated but i know the kind of love you talk about thats exactly how i love the love of my life too so yours is a story I need to hear

ok so. it all started on April 31st, 2018. i reblogged one of those ask games and she sent me an emoji that said “i’m too scared to talk to you but i think you’re great” and i was like do it!!! and she did!!!! she texted me after i had already gone to sleep tho, so i only answered the next day. but then we talked all day. and the next. and the next. and we never ran out of things to talk about and even only knowing her for a few days i already felt comfortable enough with her to talk about anything?? it was wild. since day 1 we’ve had this connection that i’ve never had with anyone else and its my favorite thing in the world. after like a week we already had a bunch of inside jokes, something that i’d never had before, and i was already crushing on her. ok so we became very close friends like immediately, and i mostly ignored my crush on her bc i thought she didn’t like me back and usually i’d get meaningless crushes on everyone at first before i met her. but then this other girl and i started flirting and i realized i didnt like her bc i liked c too much, so i broke things off and kinda went like “oh shit this is real” and decided that i’d just stay friends with c until i eventually couldnt take it anymore and had to tell her abt my feelings bc thats how i am. anyways ok cool meanwhile i made her watch the good place on rabb.it with me which will be relevant later.

ok so fast forward to may 21st or something around that time. its time to sleep bc i have school the next day so we say goodnight, but then i guess she says something or reblogs something and i get sad bc i realize she doesnt like me back. so i make some hashtag sad posts abt yearning and then i realize i told her i was going to sleep and i didnt want her to think i didnt want to talk to her so i text her again and say like “ok i was going to go to sleep but then i got sad abt my crush” and SHE GOES “you have a crush????????” and im there like. what in the hell bc not only did i not try to hide it At All, i constantly posted about it and had an entire tag about her and i thought it was pretty obvious. so anyways i go “yes?? i thoought you knew that?? im literally always posting about it??” and she asks me to talk abt the crush and who it is. i say “just stalk the tag if u want, im going to sleep” then shes like “nO WAIT WHO IS IT” and im like. blatantly ignoring that and my heart is already beating out of my chest but she Really wants to know and then at one point i say “please dont make me answer that” so shE SAYS “you’re making me think that its me” and i say “i dont know what you want me to say” and SHE GOES “I WANT YOU TO SAY THAT ITS ME BC I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON YOU” so i just. die. right then and there. also yknow we talk about it and its like after 1 am and im just happier than i’ve ever been. ok so 2 days later she asks me out Officially and its great and shes the cutest gf ever and she made me feel more wanted than i’d ever felt in my entire life. then 6 days later she sends me a big big big text on tumblr and long story short (bc it was kinda personal), she would be deleting her all social media for the summer.

so she was gone. and we had only dated for a week at this point, but we’d known each other for 2 months, and i already loved her. i already knew she was the love of my life. i didnt even try to move on, i’d tell people i didnt wanna move on cuz i knew i was meant to love her. i had another blog like this that i used to talk about how much i loved and missed her (so like. exactly like this). i literally reasoned with myself that like. that happened because before i met her i was in a really bad place after a terrible relationship and i was almost giving up on finding someone who actually made me feel loved bc i thought it would never happened, so i was like “ok so i was in a really bad place, so the universe brought my soulmate a little early just for a while so that i would know i had to hold on, and when its actually time for us to be together, it will bring us to each other once again” like i actually told myself that, in those words. and yknow what? i wasnt even wrong. on july 15th she texted me from an empty tumblr with her old url and at first i literally couldnt believe it but we talked for hours and hours and i asked her what happened bc i thought she was disconnecting for the summer and she said “i was. i am. i just couldnt not talk to you anymore” and she said that she thought about me every single day, and i told her i missed her and she said she didnt text sooner bc she thought i’d be angry at her and ofc i wouldnt, i could never be angry at her and besides, she was just taking care of herself and i said i dont think i could be anything less than head over heels for for, and she said she felt the same way, but wasnt ready to be more than friends yet. but that had always been more than enough for me. just having her in my life would always be more than enough for me. so we stayed friends.

then, on august 9th i got this ask.

and she saw it after i said i was gonna go to bed (bc again, i had school the next day) and she texted me a whole thing about how that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about her and that i should be asleep but she had to get it out of her chest and that her anxiety made it hard for her to show how much i meant to her so she was sorry if i didnt know and this would probably make no sense but she was tired of keeping it to herself bc shes the luckiest person alive for having met me and that it was gonna be so hard because shes so difficult (shes not) and her anxiety is difficult but that she literally spent every night thinking about me and of buying plane tickets to come see me so that she could be with me. then she was like “im sorry if this is uncomfortable to you and you can just ignore it but i think im in love with you and this is over text and not romantic at all (it was the most romantic night of my life) but you’re asleep (i wasnt) and we arent together but i want to be one day” and until this i was Trying to fall asleep and then i checked my phone that kept RINGING and died a thousand times over and started to answer and she sent other texts saying “i’ve never felt this way about anyone before i’m so in love with you its fucking ridiculous and this is gonna be so complicated but fuck i want this so bad / i’m sorry it took me so long / would you move to new york with me?” and i was This Close to literally fucking exploding like. how the hell was this happening how was it not a DREAM. so we talked and i obviously said i loved her too and eventually she asked me out and thats still probably the best night of my life. other highlights: “i’ve loved you way before august 9th so jot that down” and “off topic but i love you / you’re honestly my other half” and, after i said “you cant make me laugh its 2am”, she answered “i’m going to make you laugh for the rest of your life so help me god” and thats my favorite thing anyone has ever said to me probably and so far she’s kept her word.

anyways we got back together and then she told me that she never even told her friends she broke up with me??? bc that way she could keep pretending we were still together???? literally like sjdksndk imagine being this loved. i dont have to. anyways she wrote poems abt me sometimes and her christmas gift for me was gonna be a book with all her poems and she called it “what we owe to each other” because of the good place (remember how i said it’d be relevant later? its later) bc like she said that when we were watching tgp together on rabb.it thats when she realized that she Really Truly liked me like For Real. and the inscription on the book was going to be “to the girl i love / and what i owe her” and. yall. i cry. anyways one of the poems had a huge impact on us. heres the story:

and she got them but we broke up before she got to mail them to me. what happened was she had some mental health problems and she said she couldnt give me what i needed at the time but knew i’d still give her my all bc thats just how i am and she thought it wouldnt be fair so she broke things off to work on her mental health. she said she would need some time before we could be friends. the last thing we said was that we loved each other. this was in like november 2018, and we didnt talk for months. i actually tried to move on this time after a while, but it didnt take. and then i gave up for good. havent tried since. but anyways, then, on march 11th, 2019, i had my first day of college back in my home country, and we have this “pranks”/games that seniors get to do to the freshmen, and one of them required eggs, and they asked us to paint them, so i panted mine as iron man bc it was easy, but c LOVES iron man. like. LOVES. like in a Whole New Level of loving. once when we were dating she said she loved me more than tony stark and i was like. shook. like she tattooed “T.S” on her ankle after him. u get the point. she loves him very much, its adorable and endearing and i love it. anyways. so i sent her a picture of it saying like “you dont have to answer this but i made this for my university and i thought you would like it” and she answered and IMMEDIATELY something clicked and we talked and talked and talked and it was never weird or awkward or uncomfortable. it never is with her. its incredible, i cant explain it. i Know shes my soulmate like thats the ONLY possible explanation for this kind of connection. its unreal. anyways. we became friends again! all was well.

then one beautiful night she drunk texts me sndjkajs she sends me so many texts and says it sucks that we live so far away and that she saw my posts (in this particular case, one that said something about like. when she talked about love now, was it about someone else?) and she said that it wasnt. and then she went to sleep and i only saw the texts when i woke up and i was DYING bc we had a 4 hour difference and it’d take a while for her to wake up. when she did, we talked and she said she wasnt over me and was scared she might never be, and even though we were still gonna stay friends, it was nice to know that she still loved me. ok so fast forward a bit more and i was starting to wonder if she’d moved on again, when she finds out her best friend had a crush on her, and that conversation ends up with her saying “it was 100% platonic for me / sorry if thats weird i just wanted you to know that” and it was NOT weird it was GREAT NEWS bc i was Hella jealous of her best friend and at first i wondered if they were dating and anyways the fact that she wanted me to know that was a pretty good hint that she still had feelings for me. ngl im still somewhat jealous of h (c’s best friend), but thats just bc im an insecure lil bitch and also bc they get to go out and do stuff together that i cant do with c bc of the distance, yknow? but anyways. then she went on a graduation trip in mid to the end of june and she bought me a magnet. just. out of nowhere. i cannot stress enough how Incredibly unexpected this was. so much so that i actually convinced myself that it meant she was over me????? literally. what the fuck. anyways we named him together and coincidentally (or bc of soulmate powers. who knows) we both had the same favorite names. i still love that.

okay so then we go to july 29th, 2019. first of all theres one of my favorite interactions Ever which was like after i was venting about something and i was thanking her and i said “you’re always here for me” to which she answered “nowhere else i’d rather be” and i still think thats peak romance and i will take no criticism on this. anyways so then she sent me a poem that she wrote based on a song i’d sent her (the song i called “heaven is a place” and its the BIGGEST mood for being in love and i sent it to her bc it was how i felt about her so her writing a poem about it?? literally the best thing ever. love it) anyways it was a beautiful poem and i cried and got very emotional and kinda went too far in my compliments (aka being very obvious about my romantic feelings) and then i was like oh no sorry if i made u uncomfortable and she was like. “you have NEVER. EVER EVER EVER EVER made me uncomfortable” “you’re the only person on planet earth i am comfortably myself around” and “there’s nothing you could ever say that i wouldn’t wanna hear” and anyways it was just very good and romantic conversation even tho we were just cough cough platonic hashtag gal pals hashtag no homo ✌️ and then she was like ok wait. i need to talk to u abt something. and in short she said she was waiting for us and i was like well what are you waiting for exactly? and she was like idk?? for us to accidentally bump into each other in new york in a few years?? WHICH WAS LITERALLY WHAT I’D DAYDREAM ABOUT BACK IN JUNE 2018 BEFORE SHE CAME BACK OKAY so anyways we had a Great conversation and said i love you about a thousand times each and she decided she was gonna buy tickets to come see me. and then she dID like TWO DAYS LATER. lichrally. queen of impulsivity but in the best way possible.

—————

ok quick edit here cuz i forgot to say that when i found out she was coming i asked for my mom’s help to make a necklace pendant for her from scratch. my mom works with prosthetics so she has the material to make jewelry and back when c and i were dating in 2018 i had made this lil design for a necklace that had the moon and the ocean (bc duh) and i was gonna give it to her for valentines day in 2019 but we broke up before that so i didnt get the chance, but when i found out i was meeting her i knew i had to. so i made the necklace in wax, like this:

and my mom took it to her work and heated it up to melt it and keep the shape of it to fill with silver, and this was the result:

i gave it to her when she got here and she wore it while she was here and it made me so happy. ok edit over

—————

ok so we kept being like couple-y but not officially in a relationship bc we didnt want to make her anxiety worse. also at one point she was like “so about the ‘i love you more than the moon/ocean’ thing, since we BOTH love BOTH of the moon AND the ocean, i think its only Fair if we update our love declarations to ‘i love you more than the mocean’ bc its mix of both but thats not a word, buT its pronounced exactly like ‘motion’. therefore we should both start saying ‘i love you more than the motion’”. so now we have both the wonderful, romantic, original version, and the NOT ROMANTIC AT ALL DO U HEAR ME C??? version :) and after this day she always started with the WORST!!!!!! version, and i always started with the Only Valid Version, but we’d still answer each other’s ofc because. well. thats love i gues?? it sorta goes like this though: her: i love you more than the motion / me: i hate u / me: i literally hate u so much / me: i Also love you more than the motion

but anyways she was coming to visit me but the plane ticket wasnt for my home country it was for where i was going to university at (a new university, i was starting over) and when i first got here on this campus, i didnt have a working phone number for this country, and i wouldnt be able to access the wifi for 3 days, so i had no way of talking to her. it was TERRIBLE and i missed her more than anything in my LIFE but when i got wifi (after CRYING to the people here bc theyre the most unorganized uni ever and i was already very overwhelmed and stressed) i immediately called her and she’d sent me over 100 text messages dkfjssjks it was amazing, there were two (2) videos of her singing (which is like. objectively the best thing in the world, and the song was rlly romantic and i love it sm when she showed it to me for the first time she said it made her think abt me), a poem, AND a HUGE text with “i love you” written like. a THOUSAND TIMES. seriously i have a gif of it opening and scrolling bc it was so long that the text wouldnt show up directly on the chat screen and u have to click on it to see the rest. i’d never felt more loved in my entire life by anyone ever. anyways so then it came the day for her to get here and i had to wake up at 5 am to go get her at the airport and the uber was like $40 but who CARES it was the best day of my LIFE and i got there 20 minutes earlier bUT GUESS WHAT SO DID SHE (hashtag just soulmate things) then we facetimed the entire time while she was walking through the airport and getting her luggage and then she hung up to walk to the door where i was and we hugged for like 5 minutes and we were totally in people’s way and also almost fell but it was the best thing in the world and i never should’ve let her go. but, we had to go home, so i did. and we spent 4 days together and im not gonna go into details bc this is already too long but u can always send me another ask about her visit if ur not a coward. also i bought her a hoodie from my uni and whenever she wears it i just. die. in short, those days were the happiest i’ve ever been. this campus res had never felt like home before that friday and it hasnt again since that monday, but i swear to god, during those 4 days, this was the only place i could possibly belong.

anyways then she left and i cried for the entire uber ride home and then i cried all day. lmao. also when she was here she gave me the poetry book, the magnet, and the bracelet. still wear the bracelet every single day and i love it more than anything. but then personal stuff happened and we kinda stopped being couple-y again and we’re just friends now but before new years i asked her if she still loved me and she said yes and she said she’d tell me if it changed so ✌️✌️ im assuming it hasnt. even tho my brain is a bitch and everyday its like. today. today is the day. this is when its gonna happen. buT yknow we’ve spent months before without even talking to each other and we got through that still in love, so i mostly ignore it. and tbh i know that actually like, even if we grow apart now (god forbid, but still) we’ll find our way back to each other eventually. like, i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: nothing, not even the universe itself, can convince me that shes not my soulmate. and even if it turns out i’m not hers, loving her is still the greatest honor i can think of.

another edit: also i started drawing recently and the first person i’ve ever finished drawing was her and also (surprise surprise @c since you’re already seeing all my feelings anyway) bc of my second drawing i almost missed the deadline for one of my midterms (which was a take-home test) bc instead of writing it i spent the entire day before the deadline finishing the drawing which was a secret valentines day gift (secret as in she didnt know it was supposed to be a gift, she thought it was just a drawing inspired by a quote that she loves) and i finished at 2 am but shes 3 hours behind so for her it was still 11 pm which MEANS it was still valentines day so it still counts, i win, lesbian rights!

[strawberryspeachy]

I have so many time periods in my life that were fucking miserable (my whole life so lol) but most of them im like

Man. I wish i could go back with the knowledge i have now and change shit

But my senior year of college still takes the cake. I would not repeat that fucking year given the chance. I legit for real am npt exaggerating at all when i say I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GRADUATED. What strength i had. How did i do it??

I lost all of my friends. I lived with girls who made me feel worse about myself. My classes were super difficult and busy. My mom had finally admitted to me that she knew she was forgetting things.

I BECAME bulimic. That wasnt something i did before that year. Bulimic to the point where if i ate more than one peice or bread i felt guilty. Sometimes i coild rationalize to myself that i ate a healthy and appropriate meal but after 20 minutes id start panicking. That i HAD TO go throw it up. I HAD TO. if i didnt id regret it so i hadddd toooo

I didnt eat some days

And it went beyond the point of. All i have is my skinny body. It went to i hate myself and my life and i deserve to suffer. I dont deserve food. If i keep doing this maybe my body will fuck up enough that i die.

And speaking of death. It was the first time i fully tried to kill myself. I played with the idea before. Id do risky things on the off chance that id die doing it. Sometimes risky enough that i was surprised i even did it and got really scared afterwards thinking about ever doing them again. But id never made a plan. Got materials. And tried and fell asleep thinking id really never wake up. And i did it a couple times. And honestly i think i killed a part of me that year.

I cried all the time. I was just a zombie with a painted smile on my face so i could get help in class from other people. But i never actually smiled. And the second i walked in my room id start crying. All that bottled up energy released. And there was too much.

I used to fall out of my chair cause i was crying so much and id just roll around on the floor and then yell at myself to get my ass back in the chair and to keep studying. And i did. And id keep crying. And i kept studying.

And i took adderal several times a week. It wasnt even working. But it had a crack effect on me and would make me really happy and optimistic for no reason

I dont remember ever feeling confident in my studys. I walked into every exam terrifyed.

I was scared the entire year that i was gonna fail.

I was so out of it that i didnt even notice the stress permanently altered my apperance. Eveyone said i grew up. No the stress aged me. I didnt notice my hair fell out or how my chin seemed to grow. Or how my skin greyed

Theres no way to make thay year better. That was an awful year.

I have no point in this.

Just like that year and the two following it... which... issss 2014-2015-2016 to 2017

Like id completed three years of college. I had to graduate. I couldnt get out of that with a clear mind. And then coming home. None of my friends lived at home. I couldnt find a job. I took what i could get. I couldnt leave home. I had to stay for my mom. I had to and i wanted to.

Im thinking about it cause i could have immediately came to japan out of college. And i knew it then. I chose not to. I wanted to go home and be with my mom. And my family made that a nightmare. And watching her and taking care of her while she went downhill... i dont think ill be able to face those feelings... for many years to come. (I mean hopefilly not if i died while writing this id be happy) but theres really no getting around the fact that having completed my finance degree in college. My only choice was to end up as a server

My 13 year old dog died. My 18 year old cat died. My mom was shitting all over the house and refusing to sleep or eat. The woman who i hated so much that i went to work early and smiled while offering to stay later because “at least im not at home” finally died.

One day she told me she was gonna kick me out of the house (for the zillionth time) she screamed and yelled at me. And i went to work. And i came home and she was standing outside of the front door. I thought about continuing to drive and coming back later when shed moved. But for whatever reason i stopped and got out still hoping shed be gone by the time i walked up. She wasnt. She didnt even notice i was there. I was tempted to walk past her and go in. But i didnt. I asked her what was wrong. She said she could take the step to the sidewalk. And i helped her. And she rambled to me about how she thought shed be stuck there all night and how she didnt know what was wrong. The last time i saw her she had been screaming at me about how im a worthless spoiled lazy rude mean old adult acting like a baby. So. I really didnt have much sympathy to give her. I couldnt even talk. I was still mad. She thanked me. I said she was welcome. Thats all i remember. That was about 3 months before she died. If i went back to that exact moment knowing that information. I honestly dont think id change anything... she was.... so mean... so needlessly mean... im still mad about every time i was mad at her

Unlike my mom. Who i dreamed about this week. I had a dream that i was home just living my regular life in high school. And i did something. And my mom was yelling at me. And we got into an argument. Just one of those nonsense arguments that dont mean much. And in my dream i was like ugh my moms so annoying. And i woke up. And i miss her so much. What i wouldnt do to listen to my mom yell at me about something like taking too long to get ready. Or putting something in the wrong place. Or forgetting to do some chore she asked me to do. My mom with her fully functioning brain yelling at me because ive inconvenienced some plan that she has made for hersef that day. Thats shes fully capable of doing herself. And will do no matter what anyone says cause you dont mess with her schedule - you work with it.

I actually woke up and smiled. When you grow up do you ever think youll think about your parent full blown going off on you about something kinda dumb would ever make you smile...

Anyhow... that boy at work i like. I tried to be cute. He said he texts his friends back when he wants to when i pestered him about having not responded to my mesage. I was like

Oh thats the second time youve called me your friend! :) were friends :D

I just wanted a chuckle and for him to say yea yea were friends

But instead.... he said no. Were coworkers.

And i said you can be friends with your coworkers

Which led to a super long.... turned into argument...

Where he told me no. He doesnt need more friends. He only talks to me because he has to. He doesnt like me. He doesnt want to talk to me. He doesnt like when he has to talk to me. He has plenty of time to hang out with friends but not me cause im not his friend and he does not want to hang out with me. Dont ask him questions. Dont talk to him for more than a minute. He only said yes to hanging out with me because i was new to the country. His girlfriend didnt want him to and he decided he didnt want to after thinking about it. He wont change his mind. And he got really mad while telling me that his dumbass gf gets mad when i text him. And that he doesnt wanna talk to me out of work and at work only about work nothing else.

Most of that was unprovoked information. Like.. a quarter of it came from my “so were friends?” Remark. Another quarter of it came from my “coworkers can become friends” remark. And given half of it.... i brought up that he liked talking to me enough that he said he wanted to hang out with me - so you fan guess what quarter of the information came from that... oh sorry did i say quarters. I guess i meant thirds.

Extra shitty cause its a big jump from the boy who was engaging in actual conversation with me yesterday and moved so close to me that he was cms away from resting his head on me shoulder. Many times. Actually over the past couple days.

[voidendron]

The Outside: Chapter 55

Series Ask Blog: @asktheoutside

Chapter 55: News Chapter Warnings: Swearing POV: Chase Brody

March 23, 2031, 5:30 PM Los Angeles, California

“Look,” Chase said, “you two just need to… I don’t know, man. Just—stay away from each other? We’re all sick of your arguin’, and one of you’s gonna get hurt.” He didn’t turn to face the android as he scrubbed at a pan they needed for dinner.

The Septic could hear annoyed beeping from behind him as the only response.

Adjusting to two others now living in what had already been a crowded household was certainly a challenge. Sleeping arrangements had been enough of a hassle to figure out. They’d had to raise their budget on groceries, too. Nine people instead of seven? That was a lot of mouths to feed. Then there was the schedule for the bathroom in the morning, which was a whole different story entirely. They weren’t sure Anti could ever safely find a job due to his glitching, and Jameson likely wouldn’t unless he either perfected sign language or went to speech therapy—which he’d refused with an annoyed glare. It had taken some adjusting, to say the least.

The water in the sink sloshed when Chase dropped the pan; spilling lukewarm water and yellowed suds over the counter and floor. The Septic cursed when it landed on his bare feet to immediately soak his socks. At least that brought a snort from Bing that he very poorly covered up.

“Gross…” the father muttered as he leaned down to pull his socks off. He tossed them aside, grimacing when one almost slid under the fridge.

“Dude,” Bing’s boots squeaked over the now-wet tile as he went to retrieve the sopping socks, “the washer’s literally right here.” He was laughing as he dropped them into the top portion of the stacked machine that was way too close to the fridge for Chase’s liking. They couldn’t put anything on top of the fridge because of it! If the washer got off-center (which it did a lot when the kids tried doing laundry) it would knock against the other appliance and make anything on the fridge just. Fall off.

Chase just shook his head and tossed a grin over his shoulder.

“You’re hopeless, y’know that?”

“Yep!” He emphasized the “p” by slapping the water, only to splutter and reel back when it and suds flew up at his face.

“The Twins make less of a mess than you.”

“Yeah right.”

“They do!”

Chase made a distressed sound when his hat was pulled off from behind. He was sure it was Bing! That is, until he heard the android’s confused laughter. The Septic twisted around as best he could while keeping his hands over the sink.

Sophie grinned triumphantly up at him while the oversized snapback nearly fell over her eyes. Hadn’t she just been upstairs? He grinned at his youngest regardless.

Shaking his hands over the sink, Chase reached for the towel hanging on the oven handle to dry them. “Need somethin’, Sophe?”

She nodded so fast the hat about fell off. “Ky got a text. Jackie’s been trying to call you, and it’s important I guess?”

Chase’s brows furrowed at that. “You know what it’s about?”

“No. Seán just said it’s important and you gotta call Jackie like. ASAP.”

He hadn’t needed to say anything for Bing to take over finishing dishes, while Sophie had scampered right back up the stairs with the snapback still on. Chase had to wonder what they were doing up there. They were all quiet aside from the occasional laughter.

Running a hand through his hat-head, he pushed his bedroom door open. He had to squeeze between the two twin-beds now within to reach the nightstand where his phone was hopefully done charging, grumbling when he tripped over Anti’s shoes and the Velcro momentarily stuck to his sweatpants. It really was crowded.

Chase grimaced when he pulled his phone off the charger and saw a whole lot of missed calls from Jackie and all within the last few hours. Wasn’t it after midnight in Brighton? He carefully picked his way out from between the beds and seated himself at the foot of his own.

Finding Jackie’s contact, it barely rang once before the hero answered. “Chase?” The way his voice cracked made Chase’s breath catch in his throat. Had Jackie been crying? Was he still crying? “It—it’s Marv—oh god, Chase—”

“Hey, hey, easy!” He swallowed. Jackie’s voice was raw and raspy, and Chase could hear him choke on a sob on the other end of the line. “Jackie, easy. Y’said Marv. Everything okay?”

“N-no. He’s…he’s not—not doin’ well.” A shaky breath. “Please find a way here? Please? We don’t…we don’t know if—if he’s gonna make it.”

The phone nearly fell from Chase’s hand. He…he hadn’t heard that right, had he? He swallowed, choking on his own spit. There was no way he’d heard Jackie right. Absolutely no way. “J-Jackie…what do you mean?”

“I mean he might die!” Jackie tried so hard to yell, to drive it into Chase’s head, but his voice broke at the end as he sobbed into the speaker. “Y’don’t…h-he…”

“What…what the hell happened, man? You c…you can’t be fucking serious?” Chase had to blink away his own fearful tears. Marvin? Dying? He couldn’t…how could that… “What happened?”

Muffled sounds came from the other end, and the voice to speak up wasn’t Jackie’s, “This is Bim.” He sounded tired, but not as though he’d been crying like Jackie. “Marvin had an accident with his magic.” Bim’s voice was soft, sad, but far too even. How could he be so calm? “He was trying to track Schneeple,” Chase’s heart clenched at that, “and something happened. We don’t know what, just that it involved fire and he’s badly burned. We just know he’s not doing well. I…” Bim paused; Chase could hear him sigh softly. “I’m surprised he even made it to the hospital. He’s in surgery now, but we don’t know if he’ll survive to morning.”

“But…” His breath shuddered as he scrubbed at his eyes with his free hand. “He can’t be…”

“I’m going to contact Wilford. Seán and Jackie want you and Jameson here. They want Anti, too, but…we can’t risk him glitching something at the hospital. I’m sorry, Chase.”

The call ended, and Chase found himself shaking as a sob wracked his body. That…it couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be true. It was just…some bad dream. He was imagining it, he had to be! He’d just…he’d fallen asleep on the couch, surely! He’d sat down for a moment, only to take an unplanned nap. He’d wake up and call Marvin in a panic, only for the magician to be fine, if annoyed at being woken up at three in the morning.

He didn’t know how long he sat there before Bing came rushing into his room. Had Bim told him?

The android didn’t say anything as he sat down and looped an arm around Chase’s neck. He leaned into Bing’s chest, uncaring that his tears left a spot on the Iplier’s shirt. Bing didn’t say anything for a long time. He didn’t need to. Instead, his core rumbled softly; a deep hum within his chest that Chase shut his eyes to. It was always such a calming sound. Chase tried to focus on that as he evened his breathing.

“What if—what if he—”

“Don’t.” Bing combed his fingers through Chase’s hair. The father couldn’t help but lean into the touch. “He’s survived as long as he has ‘cause he’s not human. Just keep believing he’s gonna make it.” He ruffled Chase’s hair and stood. “I’m gonna go talk to James and Anti. Why don’t you pack a few days’ worth of clothes? Wilford’ll be here when he gets off work.”

The silence to hang in the living room was suffocating after the news had been delivered to the others. Sophie had curled into her dad’s side with tears staining her cheeks while Chase wrung his cap in his hands. The Brody kids would be staying with Bing, Yan, and the Twins, and Chase wasn’t sure he liked that notion. He’d never been away from them for long, but he also didn’t want them seeing whatever shape Marvin was in.

“How long are you gonna be gone?” Kyler asked. His eyes were red, but he’d stopped crying before going downstairs to join the others.

“I dunno, buddy.” Chase leaned back into the couch and ran a hand through Sophie’s hair. “Maybe a week? Few days? And I’ll call every night, and keep you updated on…o-on Marvin,” his voice cracked, and he cleared his throat, “okay?” Both kids could only nod.

It wasn’t long before Wilford appeared in a cloud of glitter in the kitchen. Chase wanted to be shocked by the brown mustache, and frustrated at the glitter Bing and the Twins would end up trying to clean up, but he couldn’t find it in himself to so much as glare at the Iplier. He just wanted to get to Brighton.

“James, c’mon.”

The younger Septic stood, and the two of them shouldered their bags. Poor Jameson didn’t even have it in him to speak, and his aura kept pulsing around him to leave him looking like an old film. Chase placed a hand on the back of the younger’s neck, and the look Jameson gave him about broke his heart.

Wilford’s aura made Chase’s stomach churn as the two stepped close to the Iplier. He already felt sick, like he’d throw up from all the crying. He didn’t need the too-sweet smell of the bright aura assaulting him to make it worse. He squeezed his eyes shut when he felt the nauseating weightlessness of teleporting, reaching to hold Jameson’s arm to ground both of them when their feet hit solid ground.

They were in Seán’s dining room when Chase opened his eyes again. Both dropped their bags and ran for the living room, practically tripping over one another. Their creator was on his phone outside what used to be his recording room, Bim pushing past them to speak with Wilford. The King was nowhere to be seen, but Jackie lunged to his feet as soon as he saw them. The hero was shaking when they pulled him into an embrace.

“Seán’s talkin’ to someone from the hospital,” Jackie murmured. His voice was so muffled against them that Chase barely heard him. The hero had one hand closed into such a tight fist that his knuckles were white, and Chase grabbed that hand; squeezed it like Jackie had done for him so many times before. “We ha-aven’t heard anythin’ s-since they took ‘im away. What if he…what if he didn’t—”

Chase tucked the hero’s head under his chin. “Just…just keep hoping. C’mon.”

With Jackie there, it was odd to know Chase was the one taking the lead into bringing the other two to the couch. From there, there really wasn’t much they could do but sit and wait. Chase felt helpless. More helpless than he had for a long time.

Marvin was in surgery. What if he didn’t make it? If he did, what sort of recovery process would there be? It couldn’t be easy, whatever it was. Not when the damage was as extensive as it had to be to make them fear for his life.

Keep hoping. That was…all they could do. Chase swallowed and leaned his head against Jackie’s; twitched his fingers when Jameson’s aura touched them and turned them gray. The father could Feel the fear, the sorrow, the anxiety, permeating the room; even from Bim when the former host returned to take a seat when Wilford left. The Iplier seemed so calm, but Chase could Feel his worry for the magician. He even Felt guilt around him. Was it from Jackie, or their creator? Perhaps both.

Keep hoping. Think about the process of recovery for Marvin; not his funeral. Be right here for Jackie, Chase thought. Be right here, to hold him for whatever news came.

Chase glanced up at a change. Relief, mixed in with all those other emotions, as Seán tucked his phone away and entered the living room. He sat heavily next to Bim; hair disheveled and bags under his eyes, but the relief was from him. Chase could see it in his creator’s eyes.

“Marv’s stable. In bad shape, but h-he’s gonna make it! We can see ‘im in a few hours, when the hospital’s open for visitin’ hours.” Seán smiled, tired and strained, but smiled nonetheless. “He’ll be there a while, but he’s alive.”

[theamazingworldoffandomfics]

Love You

Always Love You part 12

Warning: some angst, fluff, and idk

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader,

A/N: sorry for taking way to long to finish this part. I hope everyone likes it. It’s not as long as I would like but I thought it was a good spot to leave off

Tag list:  @captainamericasbeautifulbutt @marvelismylife @shamvictoria11 @princeofsassgard @daughterleftbehind @hollysleeps @qxeenbarnes @superwholockian5ever @thedoctorlivesthroughbooks @sgtpepper-love @21lokelani @anxuanpham @blackraven2539fanfiction @im-melancholic @vanessa–monique @fullofevanstan @mairhof1 @nea90sweetie @mysaria @polychr0matic @fandomtrashs-blog

Always Master List

              You heard voices, the voices of your friends. You couldn’t move your body, no matter how hard you tried. You needed to know if Bucky was okay, you needed to know if everyone was okay. You don’t know how long you’ve been like this but it feels like forever. You could hear Clint cuss who you thought was Steve out or you could hear Nat yell at everyone to shut up.

              From time to time you could hear Bucky talk to you, thanking you for saving his life and how he would die just to protect you. You wanted to see Bucky, to look into his steel blue eyes and kiss him passionately. You wanted to cuddle up next to him and watch a random movie with him. You would give anything to see him.

*Bucky’s POV*

                Why did she save me? Why would she? I know she has told me countless times that she would do anything and everything she could to save me. I only woke up a couple days ago after being out for a few days but Selene still hasn’t woken up. Thor has yet to return with any information that could explain why she hasn’t woken up yet. It’s been a week since the mission and it’s been just as long for the love of my life being out. I barely talk to anyone unless I was yelling at Steve.

              “Hey Bucky, you should go rest and get something to eat. You can’t live like this, staying at her side and not knowing if she’ll ever wake up.” Steve’s voice came from the door.

              “Fuck you Steve. If it wasn’t for you being such a dick to her because of the choices you made and how you refused to help aid her on this last mission. If you were fighting alongside me and Selene, none of this would have happened.” I was now standing, getting closer to him as I yelled. “You made your choice to be with Sharon and now you’re jealous that Selene made her choice to be with me. You can’t be thankful that she saved my life.”

              “It’s because of her you almost died.” Steve looked pissed.

              Wanda, Clint, Nat and Sam all came running in. Sam and Clint tried to drag Steve off as Nat and Wanda tried to stop me from swinging at him. Unfortunately for them, I managed to hit Steve in the jaw but lucky for him it wasn’t my metal hand.

              Sam and Clint managed to drag Steve off as Nat and Wanda glared at me.

              “This isn’t going to help her any.” Nat looked like me, her face was serious but her eyes betrayed her. They were full of concern and worry, not for anyone but Selene. “Steve’s right you know, you need to get some rest and something to eat.”

              “I know but he had no right saying she won’t wake up.” I looked over at Wanda. “Has Thor come back with any news of what could have happened?”

              “Not yet.” Her eyes were filled with worry and pain. She told me about what had happened in Sokovia and how Selene had became her family. “Now go get some rest, Bucky. She wouldn’t want you wasting away on her. Nat and I will sit with her. We’ll get you when she wakes up.”

              “Fine, I’ll go. I will be back in a few hours.” I walked over to Selene and placed a kiss to her forehead. “I’ll be back, Doll.” Not knowing if she heard me or not. I turned around and walked out of the room.

*3rd person (everyone)*

                Natasha and Wanda sat next to Selene. The pain of seeing her like this killing them both, knowing that there was nothing that they could do to help her.

              “Nat, I have an idea.”  She waved her hand as a little red mist formed around her hand.

              “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Thor and Frigga stood at the door. Frigga walked further into the room, her hand resting on Selene’s head. “Thor has told me what had happened. The spell she had casted, she gave up part of herself.”

              “What did she give up?” Wanda spoke from the other side of Selene.

              Frigga spoke calmly. “She gave back the gift that Odin had given her.”

              “What is going to happen to her?” Natasha spoke up this time, worried for her friend eminent in her voice, her arms crossed over her chest.

              “She will be the same as she has been. She will have all her memories from since her rebirth.” Frigga smiled as she sat down next to Selene. “The spell she used was designed to test ones love for another. She gave up her power, her magic. She sacrificed it for her love.” She placed her hand on top of Selene’s.

              “Do you happen to know how long she will be sleeping for?” Frigga shook her head with a sad smile on her face.

              “I’m sorry, I don’t.” She rubbed Selene’s hand. “Not mainly have tried to cast the spell like she has. Those who have, each one different from the last.” She stood up and looked at everyone in the room. “She shall wake up either in a few days or a number of weeks. It is difficult to tell.”

              “She will be all right when she wakes up?” Tony spoke from the door causing everyone to look at him. Frigga nodded her head.

              “Thor.”

              “I shall inform you when she wakes.” Thor spoke to his mother with a sad smile. She nodded her head before walking out of the room. Leaving Wanda, Nat, and Tony in the room with Selene.

              “At least we know she will wake up, just don’t know when.”

              “She will, we won’t be losing her again.” Nat sat on the bed next to Selene.

              “I’ll see to it that she is comfortable and Bruce will closely monitor her.” Tony leaned against the door jam. “Bruce will make her a main concern, knowing him.”

              All three stood there for a moment and looked at the sleeping woman. They were all glad that she will in fact wake up just not knowing when was killing them. All anyone could do was wait.

              Each of them took turns making sure Bucky got enough sleep and food. Bruce kept checking Selene’s vitals as she laid there, making sure everything was normal.

              Several weeks have gone by. Selene still laid in the bed, her breathing even. Bruce had come in to check on everything. Just then Selene took a deep breath in which caused Bruce to look up at her. He sat the clipboard in his hand on the table and quickly made his way to Selene’s side.

              “Selene, it’s Bruce. Can you open your eyes for me?” His voice calm as he spoke. She shifted in the bed a little and opened her eyes. “Oh thank god.”

              “How long was I asleep?” Her voice a bit rough from sleep and lack of use.

              “A month and a half.” She looked up at him surprised. “Frigga said that you would wake up, she just didn’t know when.”

              “How’s Bucky? Where is he?” Concern and worry eminent on her face.

              “He is currently on a mission with Nat and Clint but they should be back any minute though.” A small smile, happy she remembered everyone and nothing in her mind changed.

              Before she could say anything Wanda walked into the room with a huge smile on her face and tears in her eyes. Without a word, she was on the other side of Selene.

              “I’m so glad you are awake. Bucky will be happy to see you awake as well.” Selene sat up and Wanda pulled her into a hug. Once Wanda pulled away she looked up at Bruce and all he did was nod his head.

              “You are all set to get up whenever you want. I was able to detach the IV I had on you.” With a smile on his face he helped her up off the bed for the first time in over a month. Wanda was at her side to make sure she did fall from the lack of movement.

              Bruce and Wanda held a hand out as Selene stood there for a moment, letting the cold of the tile floor seep through the socks on her feet. A smile spread on her face as she took a couple steps before almost rushing to the bathroom. She could hear Wanda giggling from the bathroom but in that moment she didn’t care. She looked practically the same as she did the day of that mission.

              When she stepped out, she hugged Bruce and then practically dragged Wanda down the hall. Selene was hungry for real food since she was pretty much on IV the entire time she was asleep. The moment they stepped into the kitchen all eyes were on her.

              “YOU’RE AWAKE!” Tony practically ran over and hugged her, his arch reactor digging into her shoulder while his arms tried cutting off her air supply.

              “And I’d like to be able to breath.” She spoke rather fast to make sure she was able to get it all out in one shallow breath. Tony released her and she took in a deep breath of air. “I take it Bucky, Clint and Nat haven’t returned from their mission yet.”

              “Not yet but last I checked, their jet should be landing any moment.” Sam spoke from his seat at the table. Not even a moment later everyone heard the elevator door ding and slide open. The moment Selene heard Bucky’s voice saying something about her, she started to run down the hall and completely forgetting about getting something to eat.

              She ran down the hall towards them. Clint and Nat was barely able to step aside as Selene threw herself into Bucky’s arms. The two continued down the hall in the direction they were heading.

              “How long have you been awake?” Bucky’s voice muffled as his face buried itself into her neck. He felt the tears that flowed from her eyes as he held her to him tightly. Her legs wrapped around his waist, holding him as close to her as she could.

              “Not long, just long enough to pee and walk into the kitchen when Tony said your jet should be here.” She clung to him as if he would vanish before her eyes. She pulled back slightly, just enough to be able to place her lips to his. Both of them melted right away into the kiss, their lips moving as if no time has passed since the last time they met. Seconds or maybe even minutes passed by before someone behind them cleared their throat causing them to slowly pull back. They both looked towards the sound only to find Steve standing there with his arms crossed.

              “It’s good to see that you returned safely Buck.” His eyes staying on Bucky. “It’s also good to see you awake Selene.” There was no warmth in his words towards Selene. Selene pulled herself from Bucky, turned to face the man before them.

              “You didn’t expect me to wake up, Rogers.” Her voice held an angered tone as she spoke. “I may have been asleep but I heard everything. You even had the gull to blame me for Bucky getting hurt.” Bucky quickly wrapped his metal arm around her waist, feeling the way she moved slightly in front of him.

              “If it wasn’t for you he would have died.” Steve was starting to get mad.

              “If it wasn’t for me, HE WOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD!” Her voice carried down the hall, the others could hear her clearly from behind the door to the kitchen. “If you weren’t so jealous of the fact that since I came back I have chosen to be with Bucky and not follow you around like a lost puppy, you would be fucking happy for the man who you say is your best friend. A man who saved you from being killed for standing up for what you believed in.” Both men looked down at her with surprise.

              “I thought most of your memories from before were wiped?” Steve looked more shocked than before.

              “While I was sleeping, those memories came back. All the heart break. That’s when I realized that I was too good for you. You took my friendship and used it for some game only to decide that you would choose Sharon over me.” She managed to get out of Bucky’s grip and was now standing face to face, well chest, with Steve. “I was there more so for Bucky than you were after bringing him here. He was there for me you choose someone else. It’s clear that you choose someone else over those who would die for you.” The look in her eyes showed him all the pain that he had put her through. Seconds later Steve was holding the side of his face as Selene walked back towards Bucky.

              She grabbed his hand and they walked off down the hall towards the kitchen. Before they walked in, Bucky pulled her to a stop and kissed her. There was more passion than ever. All the love he held for her poured into that one kiss. Her fingers carding through his hair as his hands sprawled out onto her lower back, pulling her closer to him.

              “I truly missed you.” Bucky said softly as he pulled back so they can both breath.

              “I missed you too, my love.” Her hand slid from his hair to his beard covered cheek. “You let your beard grow out.” She smirked a little at him.

              “If you want me to trim it, I will. Anything for you, Doll.” He smiled down at her.

              “No need to, I like it.” She tugged lightly at the hair on his cheek. “Now lets get some food and go to my room. I think a movie and spending time with the man I love is well over due.”

              “Sounds perfect, Doll.” He smiled and followed her into the kitchen. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at them.

              “What happened in the hallway?”

              “I told Steve somethings that he probably didn’t want to hear but needed to hear, then slapped him.” Selene smirked as she walked over to the refrigerator and looked inside to see if she could find something to eat. She felt a tap on her side and when she looked up, she saw Bucky holding a few packs of her favorite cookies. A smile spread across her face as Bucky nodded his head towards her room.

              She nodded her head as she began to follow him out of the kitchen before stopping and looking at the others.

              “I’m so glad I have all of you as my family.” With a smile and a small giggle, she turned around to follow Bucky towards her room.

              “It’s so good to have her up and around.” Sam spoke from his seat at the table.

              “It is. Fury may not like it but I just put Frosty on the inactive list for a while.” Everyone looked at Tony surprised. “What? He makes her happy and with her being asleep for a month and a half, I don’t really think we’ll see much of either of them for a while.” Tony smirked as he looked at the tablet in his hand. Everyone rolled their eyes at him before walking out of the kitchen and back to their normal life now without the stress of when Selene would wake up. Just before everyone could walk out a sound came from the speakers in the room.

              “One last thing guys. I’m going to need everyone to call me (Y/n) again. Love you guys.” Everyone smiled widely as they walked out. (Y/n)’s voice sounded happy and everyone, minus Steve, was happy that she sounded happy.

[atombombbagel]

WHAT DO YOU THINK ROMANCED COMPANIONS WOULD BE LIKE WAKING UP ON CHRISTMAS MORNING AND WHAT GIFT WOULD THEY BRING SOLE IM YELLING BECAUSE IM THINKING OF ALL THE CUTE FLUFF STUFF

Okay sooo, this wasn’t written by me but by my good friend @fantomofthehiddles, who did a super good job at this masterpiece. It’s under keep reading because it is long and amazing :P 

[[Damn, Iturned this into an f!Sole before I realised what I was doing. So sorry, I’lldo better next time, I pwomise! ;__;]]

[[Also,sorry this turned to be as long as an average Ghoul lifespan…]]

Sole awoke one morning to find the worldcovered in snow. At first, she felt surreal, like in the old world, like justin a second she would hear Shaun shifting in his crib, crying for his mommy.But it wasn’t Nate who was still asleep next to her, and it wasn’t 2077anymore. It was just the thick layer of snow and halos of icicles hideverything that, up till now, did a very good job of reminding her the worldhad changed: ruined houses, dead trees with broken branches, ubiquitous debris,and even the yelloweed grass. She reached for her Pip-Boy, as she did everymorning, accidentally turning the knob to “Data”, and if it wasn’t for that,she wouldn’t even realize it was 25th of December already. And thenit hit her: this would be her first Christmas without Nate, without Shaun…without her family.

Cait

“Hey,darlin’, you okay?” Cait sat up next to her, wrapping the bedding around hernaked body to protect herself from the crispy tang in the air. Sole put her armaround her and nodded mindlessly, though the words “yeah, I’m fine” somehowdidn’t want to leave her throat. Cait’s eyes wandered to the Pip-Boy. “Oh, it’sChristmas, ain’t it?”

Solelaughed softly, though didn’t really feel it. “You forgot? Really?” She didn’tmention she would have almost forgotten it herself.

“Hey, whenyou haven’t any real holidays yer entire life, they just slip by.” She soundedalmost angry, but then she looked to the side, maybe even blushed a little, andsaid, “Well, I ain’t gonna spend it complainin’. I’m glad I have me darlin’ toshare it with.” And with a kiss on Sole’s cheek, she jumped out of bed andopened the trunk she kept her things in. “Here. I made this for ya. I know itain’t much, but… I’m not as good with me hands as you are.”

Sole turnedthe bladed knuckles in her hands. They were chrome-finished, polished to ashine, and the blades were so visibly sharp Sole didn’t feel the need to check.On the bottom, on the surface that would rest against her palm, Cait had engraved:“Give ‘em a taste, love” in surprisingly elegant letters. Sole started tosuspect she had had Sturges help her with these.

“Not much?”she teased. “I love them. Come here.” She pulled Cait back to the bed and gaveher a kiss, which soon turned into a much hungrier and sexier make-out session, until they finally pulled away, albeitwith some effort. “Now, what do you say we go for a walk to the Combat Zone andmake Tommy spend Christmas with us? And we could have MacCready come with us.”

Cait lookedat her in such surprise, she didn’t even notice her eyes teared up a little.“Nothing would make me happier, luv.” And after another second of staring atSole’s face in wonder, she smiled with clear, unbridled joy, a smile Sole sorarely got to see on Cait’s face, and said, “It’s nice, y’know, having afamily.”

Curie

“I havenever seen snow before, did you know?” Curie said, standing at the window,staring at the white roofs of Diamond City’s buildings. Sole walked over to herto embrace her from behind. She put her chin on Curie’s shoulder, looking out atthe view, and suddenly all the hard work she’d put into installing the windowwas worth it. The fluff was still falling, slowly, gently drifting to theground, clinging to the Christmas lights drawn across the square, and thechildren played below, having a snowball battle without care for any collateraldamage to walls and passers-by. 

Sole dug her face in Curie’s neck, stifling acry as she realized she would never get to see Shaun, real Shaun, playing like that. She did adopt the synth Shaun,mostly for Curie’s sake; Curie, upon learning about the feud between theRailroad and the Institute, and how everyone else played into it, had been veryconcerned about how their relationship could be viewed by others. How Solecould be ostracized or even persecuted for loving her. How maybe she didn’treally like being with a synth. So Sole adopted the kid to calm her doubts,show her she really cared; but there was still a nagging voice in the back of hermind making her constantly aware that the ten-year-old boy, now running aroundTakahashi’s noodle stand in order to get a better angle at the ‘enemy team,’wasn’t her real son. Even though he acted like one and loved her like one. Hewasn’t her own.

But peopledidn’t know that, except for select few, like Curie, of course, or Nick who hadhelped her find Shaun in the first place, or X6. Everyone else though shereally did find her son at the Institute. Well, they weren’t really wrong.

“As much asI love this, ma belle,” Curie said,pulling Sole out from the dark corners of her mind, “we must get going. He havea lot to do today! You promised me carolling, remember?”

“I do,”Sole replied reluctantly. Oh, Piper was going to have a field day with them.

“Butfirst,” Curie continued, obviously ignoring her tone, “I have made a veryspecial gift for you, mon amour!” Shescuttled through the room, leaving Sole completely dumbfounded. They’d beenspending every waking moment together for weeks now. When did Curie manage toget her a gift without her noticing? And a hand-crafted one, at that? “Here,unwrap it! I read that unwrapping presents used to be an important traditionbefore the War. But I’m afraid I had to use pages from a children’s book. It iscolorful, yes?”

It wascolorful, and pretty. So much that Sole tried her best not to damage thepackaging too much, but Curie didn’t seem to mind. What emerged looked somewhatlike a leather collar, black, and quite elegant. There was a round piece ofplatinum at the front which seemed to have a purpose beyond just being adecoration.

“It doessomething, doesn’t it?” Sole asked, throwing Curie a mistrustful glance.

“Yes, see,if you put it on and press this button, it releases a mild chemical which willstop pain conduction from the neck down. It should make it more comfortable foryou to tend to your injuries in the field, when I am not there to help.Professor Scara helped me with the technology. She said it is called ‘achoker’, even though I don’t see why. Still, very useful, no? And I think youwill look very mignonne in it.”

“Oh, Curie,”Sole said, almost crying for some reason. “You’re the most amazing woman I’veever met. Thank you.”

“I knew you would like it!” Content, sheopened the window to shout: “Shaun, monpetit cœur! It is time to come home!” And as she turned back to Sole, “This shouldbe an interesting experiment. We should start with the Science Center, no? Myco-workers should be thrilled to have us.”

Sole turnedthe choker in her hands, feeling the texture of the soft leather, before sheput it on the side table. There would be time to test it later. Now, she wasabout to spend Christmas with her family.

Danse

“What was that about?” Sole heard Hancock’s voiceoutside the window.“Hell if I know,” Nick replied, they voices getting quieter as they walkedaway. Sole looked out the window to find Danse standing on the porch.

“Whathappened?” she asked.

“I smiled,”he replied, causing her to choke with stifled laughter. “And I told them ‘MerryChristmas’. I don’t think they liked it.”

“They wereprobably just surprised,” she said before walking out to the porch with him andpromptly shivering in the cold. Note to self: winter is not the time of year towalk out of the house in nothing but a nightgown. “Oh, shit, it’s cold.”

Danselooked her up and down. “That is indeed the case when you stand barefoot in thesnow.” Had he said it, he picked up against her protests that everyone wasgoing to see—

“It’s justfor a second,” he cut her off, dashing to the building across the street. AndSole, holding on to his strong, broad shoulders, suddenly didn’t mind. He sether down near the fire. “I actually have something for you that might be theanswer to your problem.” And from a locker, he pulled out… Maxson’s battlecoat?

“Wh… Pleasetell me you didn’t go back to the Prydwen to kill Elder Maxson for this,” shestuttered out, but as Danse began shaking his head with amusement, she noticedthere wasn’t any blood on it, and in fact, there weren’t any sign of wear atall.

“If I did,I wouldn’t be standing here right now,” he replied. “It’s just…” Shock onSole’s face deepened. She had never heard him not finish a sentence before.“You used to joke about how much you liked Maxson’s coat, so I thought I shouldmake one for you. Like I said once: if you want something, say it, and I’llmake it happen.” And he wrapped the coat around her bare shoulders, and shemarveled at how warm it was, how well it fit her, how even the lining was justright, and how…

“You madethis? On your own?” She still couldn’t believe it, even holding the damn thing inher hands.

“Well, theyalways encouraged us to work on our uniforms, and turns out, leather isn’t muchdifferent. I hope you like it.”

“Oh, Danse,I love it!” She jumped into his arms again just to give him a deep kiss. Andfeel his biceps, because why not. Danse in turn embraced her waist and huggedher close to steady her. She could feel his firm chest on hers even through hisclothes. As always, it made her remember Nate, just like every time Danse puton his power armor, she remembered Nate in his, and, just as always, shecouldn’t help thinking about how lucky she was. This is where she’d alwaysbelonged: in a soldier’s arms. “Thank you so much, hun’.”

Dansestumbled back into the wall as he put his forehead against hers, closed hiseyes, and momentarily lost his balance a bit; but Sole wasn’t worried. Even ifthey had fallen, Danse would make sure she landed safe on him. Nevertheless,there was something desperate in how he longed for her touch.

“Honey?What’s going on?” she asked gently, her hands against his face. He squeezed herwaist harder, to the point it almost hurt, but then he set her down again.

“I want totell you how important this is for me,” he said softly, looking straight intoher eyes. His fingers played with a strand of her hair, almost as if on theirown. “The last real Christmas I had was… all the way back in Rivet City, withCutler. Later, when we joined the Brotherhood… There always seemed to be moreimportant things to do. Holidays just seemed… silly. We’d give each other smallgifts for a few years, the even that stopped, and then he…” And now, for thefirst time since always, she heard his voice break. She rubbed his face withher hand, trying to give him some sort of comfort. He took a breath, thencontinued, “I just want you to know, this means a lot. Those memories withCutler are some of the most precious ones I have, and I feel blessed to be ableto add to them with you. You make me feel the same way he did: like I have afamily again.”

Hancock

Sole turnedand looked at Hancock, still sleeping soundly, his scarred lips slightly partedin steady breaths. His eyes were moving as he mumbled something in the linesof, “what the fucking fuck happened to this mutfruit?” Sole should havelaughed, but somehow, it only made her feel worse. She didn’t want to wake himfrom this obviously thrilling dream, but… She snuggled up to him, put her headon his bare chest, the warm ridges and crests scraping against her cheek. Ifshe felt chilly before, that was now completely replaced with the heatemanating from Hancock. She clinged to him with her entire body, blamingherself as he stirred awake.

“Hey,sunshine, what’s going on?” He threw his arm around her, squeezing her waistreassuringly.

“I’m sorryI woke you. I didn’t—”

“Come on,getting to spend more time with you? Nothing I’d like more In the world.” Hekissed her forehead and she nuzzled her face into his neck, breathing in hisscent. “So what’s up? Why are you like this? Come on, it’s Christmas.”

“I know…”

“Oh… Ohh.”He pulled her up onto himself until she was on top of him. He cupped her facein his hands, placed another gentle kiss on her lips. “I love you, Sole. I knowit’s not enough to fill the hole your family left in you, b— No, shit, don’tcry.”

Solecouldn’t help it. She clung to him again, bawling all over his shoulder,suddenly so overwhelmed by every bad and good thing she felt, she couldn’t holdit in anymore. She’d been gathering it up for the last three months, nevertalking much about it, never letting it out, because in this world, everyone’slives sucked, and most of them much worse than hers. She had it good, comparedto some. And she really did believe she’d left her old life behind, since thisone was, surprisingly, so much simpler. But apparently not.

Hancock heldher close, rocking them a little as he brushed her hair and gave it a fewkisses. She still couldn’t believe how well he understood, even though she knewit was killing him inside to see her still pining for the husband she had lost.For a dead man. Unless she found a way to truly put Nate out of her mind,Hancock would always feel like he does now: like he comes second to her. Andyet, he remained at her side, loving her unconditionally. Saying how he didn’tdeserve her, when truly, it was her who didn’t deserve him.

“I loveyou, too,” she said finally, having regained control over her shaky breathing.“And I’m so, so sorry.”

“Now, don’ttalk crap like that.” Hancock brushed her hair aside as she raised her tear-stainedface to look him in the eye. “You had a rough year. Rough two hundred years.You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”

Shesnuggled up to him again, suddenly unable to speak again. Hancock gave her amoment which he seemed to enjoy just as much as she did, and then said: “Okay,that’s enough of being two emotional wrecks, we need to get going,” as helazily slapped her ass.

Sole satup, too surprised to throw him a black look. “What? Why?”

“We’rehaving a Christmas party at the Third Rail. Didn’t I tell you?” She shook herhead. “I could swear I told you. I did tell you to bring a dress, didn’t I? Well,anyway, it won’t be much of a party without everyone’s favorite mayor making anappearance, so why don’t you just…” And then he bluntly rolled her off of him.Sole, with a pained sigh, kept rolling until she almost fell off the bed andscrambled to her feet.

“Oomph…fuck.” She leaned against the wall, feeling her head explode, but like, in thedistance.

“Youalright?”

“Just a bitdizzy. And a headache.”

Hancockcame over to kiss her temple, but snorted along the way: “You’re spending waytoo much time with me.” But then a thought occurred to him and he frowned. “Ormaybe you’re sick?”

“Bullshit.I’m just tired.” As soon as she could move normally again, she began dressing,much to Hancock’s theatrical anguish. “It’s not like last night brought me muchsleep, exactly…”

“Yeah,sure, make it all my fault,” he teased as he pulled on his coat and fastenedthe belt across his chest. “You little vixen, you.”

Solechuckled. It absolutely was not his fault. He had just about fallen asleep whenshe’d decided to jump his bones. Oh, the poor bed.

Afterseveral minutes of him constantly interrrupting her as she tried to getdressed, they finally went down to the Third Rail, where the entire populace ofGoodneighbor was already gathered. As soon as Hancock walked in, everyonewelcomed him with an earth-shattering ‘huzzah!’ raising their glasses, which,as Sole suspected, were full thanks to his generosity. Oh, how easy it was tomake these people happy. Hancock waited for the commotion to die down—someonehanded him a glass of wine in the meantime and Hancock now thumped hisfingernails against it.

“I’d liketo make an announcement,” he said. “One a bit more elaborate than my usual ‘ofthe people, for the people’.” Everyone cheered anyway. “Okay, okay. Come on,folks. I just wanna say that Goodneighbor may have started as a place, but nowit’s about you. The people. Without you, there would be no Goodneighbor. And itmakes me more happy than I can say to be able to call myself your mayor andcall you my family.” Cheers and ‘aww’s broke out again.

“We loveyou, too, Hancock!” a man shouted.

“Now, now,don’t get too familiar, Joe, you’re not my type.” Hancock winked and Sole couldswear at least half the crowd pretended to faint while the rest laughedheartily. “Not to mention, and here we’re coming up on the second part of myannouncement that most of you probably know, I’m already spoken for.” Sayingthat, he pulled Sole in closer. The crowd cheered on, albeit less loudly, andsome of them murmured in an unsurprised agreement. Sole’s eyes met MacCready’s,who was sitting at the bar, and he smiled and put his glass up to her.

“Now I’dlike you all to come see the gift I got this one. Y’know, in hopes she’ll makegood use of it and come visit us a little more often.” People laughed again,and then most of them followed as Hancock led Sole out with his hand on herwaist.

“What thehell did you do, Hancock?” she murmured, blushing. For someone who got involvedin so much, she didn’t necessarily like being the center of attention.

“You’llsee, sunshine,” he replied in that low voice of his. Son of a bitch. Theywalked out into the cold, crispy air, smelling of smoke and winter. Snowcrunched beneath their feet as they took a left turn around the corner of theOld State House… and then she saw it. A beautiful silver vertibird, clearlyfreshly washed and polished, was sitting on the roof of Hotel Rexford. Anenormous red bow was somehow tied around the pilot’s cabin.

“What thefuck? John? What the actual fuck?” she stuttered, and he only stood there andgrinned proudly. “You can’t be serious! Whaa… How did you even…?”

“You knowhow Gunners will do anything for caps?… Yeah.”

“Do went tothe Gunners?!”

“More likecontacted them via a messenger, arranged a meet on neutral gr… Oh, stopfreaking out. They’re pretty reasonable when they hear the caps jingle, andthey do keep their gear in good condition.” Sole was still shaking her head athim with her eyes widened in honest shock, so he continued, “What was Isupposed to do? Go to the Brotherhood?”

“How aboutget me a smaller, more… manageable gift?”

“Stopwhining.” He kissed her to shut her up. Some of the more intoxicated partyerscheered them on as they rode the line between propriety and shamelessly makingout in public. Hancock pulled back a little, but still stayed close, and whenhe had her so close, his rough hands on both sides of her head, suddenly therewas no one else in the entire world. “It’s your fault, you know. Should neverhave said you’d like one of your own. You should’ve known I’d strive to make ithappen.” Sole let out an incoherent babble, hiding her red face in her hands.Hancock laughed and kissed her forehead. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s go spendChristmas with family.”

 BONUS:

As theydescended back into the Third Rail, this time led by a small group of drunkNeighborhood Watch guards, singing a bawdy song as they stumbled down thestairs, Hancock and Sole were suddenly approached by Magnolia.

“I wantedto say, I’m happy for you two,” she said before they could even greet her.“You…” She put her finger on Sole’s chest. “You are one hell of a woman. Iwould know.” She winked and laughed with that perfectly calculated chuckle.“Take care of him, dear. And you, Hancock—don’t fuck it up.”

“Oh,Magnolia. I would never.” Again, with unbridled joy, he kissed Sole’s templewith such exhilaration, she couldn’t help but laugh. But she also couldn’t tearher eyes off of Magnolia’s fiery gaze. There seemed to be something else.

“But,still, in memory of old times…” She threw Sole a meaninful look, making herblush again, as she reached underneath her dress to take out a small package.“I’d like you to have this. I think it’ll suit you well.” And, saying that,Magnolia left a kiss on Sole’s cheek and went on to take her place at themicrophone and entertain the crowd as only she could. Sole opened the smallpacket to find a ruby-eyed ring with intricate engravings around the socket.Hell, it seemed to be older even than her. She stared at it in disbelief untilHancock gently took it from her.

“Well, I’llbe damned.” He said only before slipping it on her finger and then placing analmost theatrical kiss on her hand. “Now, milady… Shall we dance?”

Solelaughed and let him lead her down to the main room of the Third Rail. No onepaid much attention to them anymore, busy with their own friends andactivities. Only Whitechapel Charlie dipped his hat to them as they went past.They found a fairly quiet corner in MacCready’s VIP room, and as they dancedslowly to Magnolia’s voice seeping under the door, singing her specialinterpretations of the Christmas carols, Hancock embraced her close and kissedher neck gently, sending warm shivers down her spine. Until he suddenly jerkedhis head up.

“Wait. Whatdid Magnolia mean by ‘old times’?” he asked, watching her carefully. Soleblushed at the memory of Magnolia’s scent and deft fingers.

“Nothingmuch, love,” she said immediately, but Hancock’s grin made it clear he figuredit out anyway. She laughed at the face he made. Hancock kissed her deeply, andthen instead of dancing, she was in his arms again as he put his hand on theback of her head and refused to let go. And when they pulled back, they wereboth panting hard, and she could see his thoughts written clearly on his partedlips and lustful gaze.

“Goddammit,John,” she said immediately. “We are notdoing this in MacCready’s room with everyone on the other side of the door.”

“Mm, you’reright…” he mumbled, but still didn’t let her go. “But why not?”

MacCready

She allowedherself several minutes to shed a few tears over the life she used to have, butthen a pitter-patter of small feet sounded in the short hallway, and she hadjust barely enough time to wipe her face in the bedding before Duncan ran intothe bedroom.

“IT’SCHRISTMAS!” he shrieked in a tone that nearly burst her eardrums, jumping ontothe bed. “And there’s snow! Have you seen?”

“Yes,” shechuckled, as if immediately healed by his child-like excitement. “You wannahelp me make the food?”

“I would…”He sat up and wrinkled his nose with an undecisive pout. “But I’d also like togo outside… I mean, there’s so much SNOW!”

“Right, youusually wouldn’t see this much, would you? Okay, then, why don’t you getdressed warm and run down to Miss Alice and get some razorgrain and fruit?Actually, take whatever she’ll give you, your dad will probably figure out ause for it.”

She waitedfor Duncan to say, “Oh, okay, I guess” and leave to get dressed before sheburst out laughing at her own unintended sexual innuendo. Fuck, four days isapparently way too long.

Just anhour and half later, they were both in the kitchen, preparing dough for thecake she had promised Duncan probably a couple of weeks ago. Brahmin wasalready marinating, carrots and silt beans cooking; she even prepped the cornwhen she got bored as the dough was rising. Now she was trying her best to makesomething resembling chocolate icing with the odd-tasting brahmin milk, sweetrolls, sugar bombs, and a pinch of coffee. It wasn’t going so well.

“Duncan!Can you please not?” Sole shouted, gently pushing the boy’s hand away from thedough. “Come on, would you rather eat raw dough or a chocolate cake?”

Duncan wasthinking for the longest time before he finally said, reluctantly, “Cake…”,even though he was still eyeing the dough longingly. Sole sighed. “When isDaddy going to be back?” he asked then, and the way he said ‘Daddy’, like hestill couldn’t believe the word even as it left his mouth, tore Sole’s heartout of her chest. Well, shit. She didn’t need it anyway.

“Soon, Ihope,” she said as normally as she could, but she couldn’t help to glance atthe time. RJ had left their house at Sunshine Tidings a few days ago to go finda gift for Duncan. He’d said he would come back in time for Christmas dinner,hell, that he’d even help her make it, but it was already past noon and hestill hadn’t come home. Fuck knows where he went in the first place. He mightbe dead in a ditch somewhere, chewed on by molerats, or… worse—torn to shredsby ferals. She found herself wondering what she’d do if she had to tell Duncanthat, and then take care of him alone. Would she even be able to?

Don’t thinkabout it, she told herself. It would be okay. She sent Strong to go with RJ,and these two were pretty much unkillable together. RJ probably miscalculatedthe time it would take them to get to Goodneighbor and back with Strong slowinghim down a little.

“Why don’tyou go play with Dogmeat outside?” she asked Duncan, seeing the internal battleover the dough play out clearly on his face. “Just dress warmly and becareful.”

“Okay,” hebeamed up at the idea, got ready in the matter of seconds, and shouted “Comeon, Doggy!” as he rushed out the door. Dogmeat slid off of his couch, stretchedcarefully, and followed him out, his muzzle drooping like he wanted to say,“gosh, I’m getting too old for this,” even though he was barely four.

But soonSole could see the dog rolling in the snow so zealously he rolled off a hilland stopped only at the water pump, hitting it with a yelp. Duncan ran to checkup on him, but Dogmeat got up without trouble and immediately knocked the kidoff his feet and into another heap of snow. Sole chuckled to herself before shewent back to her fight with the icing.

It wasn’tlong before Duncan rushed back inside, red-cheeked and shivering, but stillwith a huge grin on his face. Dogmeat soon followed, covered in snow so snuglyone couldn’t even tell he was a German Shepherd anymore. He stood in the middleof the living room and tensed up.

“Oh, no,no, NO!” Sole managed to shout out as she ran to kick him out to the porch, butshe was too late. Dogmeat shook it all off on the beautiful rug she’d restoredwith such effort. Goddammit. “If youthink you’re getting back on the couch, young dog, you are very mistaken,” shesaid strictly. “You stay here in the mess that you made.”

Dogmeatwhined with his uncanny understanding and indeed sat his tail down on the wetrug. That probably wasn’t the best course of action, Sole thought, but she couldn’tback out of it now. She put some wood in the fireplace before going back to thekitchen.

“And you,Duncan, go change and please hangthese wet clothes near the fire, but not inthe fire, okay?”

Duncannodded and ran off. She still wasn’t over how much energy that kid had. But,she supposed, it was normal for children. She’d just never had a chance towitness it before. Her eyes teared up again, and she told herself it was fromthe heat of the cooking.

Duncan sooncame back, got himself busy with some toys, but then eventually ended up on therug with Dogmeat anyway. Sole watched them amused as Dogmeat rolled onto hisback to get some belly rubs, and Duncan, scratching him with one hand, drovethe toy car on his chest with the other. And when the toy inevitably fell offthe steep slope of a dog’s ribcage, Duncan reached over him for it and Dogmeatshamelessly licked him in the face. Duncan, caught by surprise, jumped backwith a surprised shriek before he laughed. Sole smiled. There was probably nothingmore joyful than a small child’s laugh.

“Aww, Ithink he likes you,” she said and Duncan giggled even more. Dogmeat pushed hishead under Duncan’s hand and the two were promptly playing together again.

Only a fewminutes had passed before the door opened again with another wave of cold airblowing into the house. Sole turned away from the stove just as Duncan yelled:“Hi, Daddy!” and ran to get a hug.

“Hi,buddy,” RJ said, putting his arm around him, and then promptly giving Sole anapologetic look. “I’m sorry it took so long, we—”

“Oh, shutup,” Sole cut him off and ran over, rising up to her toes to finally kiss him.His lips and cheeks were awfully cold, but she didn’t care. “It doesn’tmatter,” she said as she pulled away, sliding her hands down his chest. “Aslong as you’re okay, it doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah, I’mfine. The snow surprised us a little. Some places, it was up to my waist and wehad to improvise. Have you ever had Strong give you a piggyback ride?”

“Wha—”

“Look,Daddy!” Duncan spoke up, having long gone back to playing with Dogmeat on therug. He was now climbing over Dogmeat’s back while the dog not only suffered itpatiently, but even seemed to enjoy it. And just as RJ moved to get him to stopin fears that he’d get hurt, Duncan continued delightedly: “And Mama said Doggylikes me!”

Thatstopped RJ dead in his tracks. Sole, too. Duncan had never called her thatbefore. RJ turned to her slowly with an odd expression. She didn’t know what tomake of it. Was he angry? Did he think she made Duncan say it? She shivered. Orwas he just in shock that after barely a month, his little boy was already…? Hewent over to the kitchen table, stiffly, sat down… and just started crying.Sole froze. Duncan didn’t notice there was anything wrong, thankfully, so whenshe could move again, Sole grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to thebedroom, saying, “Let’s go get you changed out of those, you’re freezing.”

It wasn’tthat she wasn’t shaken, especially with how Duncan just threw it in there, intoa normal sentence, like it was the most regular thing in the world. And thetruth was, he had never called her anything before, really. Somehow, thatfive-year-old kid managed to navigate every conversation in a way that allowedhim to avoid calling her anything else than ‘you’. So this did feel like a.50-caliber bullet to the chest.

But RJ wasin such state that all of that now faded away. He slumped to the edge of thebed like he got deflated, and immediately hid his face in his hands. Solekneeled on the floor next to him and could see tears glistening between his fingers. She rubbed his knee, but couldn’tfind any words to say. Only after a long while filled only with RJ’s stifledsobs and the quiet sounds of Duncan’s play coming from the other room did Solemanage to let out a sad sigh and whisper, “RJ…”

“I’m sosorry…!” he whimpered, barely keeping his voice down as he collapsed entirelyso that Sole had to embrace him and prop him up on her shoulder, or he would’vefallen off the bed.

“No, no…”she said, but he didn’t seem to be listening anymore. He just went on.

“Oh, God… Ijust never expected him to…” He held on to her for dear life, and thedesperation and pain behind his cries made her tear up, too. There was somethingsqueezing her throat already. “It’s been years… Years… And I stopped believingI’d ever hear him use that word again… And the first time I do, I think, ‘no,it’s not her’. Oh, God, Sole, I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t be,RJ,” she could barely hold her own tears back. Something about the way he criedresonated deep within her and she couldn’t help herself. “I’m not trying tofill Lucy’s shoes. I don’t expect you to forget about her, I know you stilllove her.”

RJ wassilent for a longer while, clearly trying to regain his composure, before hefinally pulled away and looked her in the eye. He seemed calm, but his eyesbetrayed the freshly opened wounds he suffered from. “I do. But I love you,too. And I didn’t like feeling like that—angry, at my little boy. It wasn’t hisfault. He probably doesn’t remember Lucy at all…” His voice broke again, andSole had to blink away her tears. “It’s not his fault. It just… hurt, you know?Like she was being erased and… I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry, Sole.”

“You don’thave to apologize, babe. I get it.”

Hesniffled. “…I know. You always do, don’t you?” He kissed her forehead, his handon the back of her neck as he pressed his lips against her skin. He then puthis cheeks to hers and stayed like that for a while. “I still remember it, likeit was just last week. Lucy was playing with him, holding him on his lap, andwe talked about something… the crops, I think? And suddenly, that little boyraised a toy in his hand and just said, ‘Mama!’… It was the first word he eversaid.”

Sole feltwhat was left of her tormented heart drop to the bottom of her stomach. “I’msorry,” she said. RJ looked at her in surprise, so she explained, “I feel likeI took that away from you.”

“No.” Hisvoice was suddenly adamant, as if seeing her crying, in pain, made him switchinto protector mode again. “No, you gave my son a home. If he’s able to acceptyou as his mother…”—even as he said that, his voice trembled, “I should behappy. It’s not your fault, and definitely not his, that I can’t handle moving on.”

“You’redoing just fine,” she reassured him with a smile. “As long as we love eachother, we’ll figure everything else out.” He nodded, but she could clearly seeshe made him emotional again. She wiped her face, completely covered in tearsshe didn’t even feel. “Wow,” she mumbled, “we are a pair of tragic messes.” RJlaughed softly, but only held on to her hand as she stood up. “Come on,sweetie. You promised to cook.”

And thatfinally tore a real, honest chuckle from his throat; Sole beamed up alongsidehim. They went back to the kitchen, hand in hand, but before she managed to puthim at the pots, RJ hurried to the duffel bag he had left near the door.

“Hey,Duncan,” he said, “do you wanna see your present?”

The boyjumped up from the rug, letting out something that only vaguely resembled avery loud ‘YES!’. He rushed to the table just as RJ was putting the duffel bagthere and asked, “Is that why you were gone for so long?”

“Yeah,buddy. Had to go get the best for you.” And with that, RJ reached into the bagand pulled out… a BB gun. Sole blinked in surprise. She didn’t expect him to dothat sort of thing, not after all those times when he said he didn’t wantDuncan to have the same life he did, full of violence and blood. But thenagain, was there really any other life to be made in the Commonwealth?

“I know, Iknow,” he said, seeing Sole’s surprised gaze. “But he needs to learn to protecthimself, and the earlier, the better, right? Besides, I mean, it’s just a BBgun, it’s not like he’s going to turn into me…”

Duncan,after doing a round around he house holding the small rifle like a commando,ran back and stood at the table, looking somewhat distraught. Sole took amoment to admire the worksmaship of the weapon. Even if it was just a glorified toy, the barrel was sleek black and the buttpolished to a shine, and there was something special in the way it was built.It must’ve been a unique. And she had no doubts RJ cleaned and oiled it atleast three times on his way back.

“Isanything wrong, love?” she asked noticing Duncan didn’t really know how tostart.

“No, Imean, I really like it, but…” He sucked his lips in, then pouted again. “I wanta scope, too.”

RJ glaredat him, like he wanted to say, ‘NO, YOU DON’T’, but before he could, Sole cautiouslyasked, “Why?”

“’Cause Iwanna be just like Daddy when he shoots.”

Solestifled a laugh, which was an especially difficult task, given RJ’s surprised,almost betrayed face in front of her. “Sure, Duncan,” she said. “We’ll figuresomething out tomorrow, how about that? And for now, just go and play with it,learn how it feels. Okay?” And as Duncan shuffled away, she looked back at RJ.“I think you may have miscalculated a bit, love.”

“Thatlittle…” He shook his head. “You do know it makes no sense, though.”

“Of course,but what harm could it be? I’ll make him a detachable short scope. Let him havefun with it, even if the gun’s range isn’t nearly enough.”

RJ sighedand only then stopped making faces in disbelief. He threw her another odd look,but this time it was one of the good kind. “I have something for you, too,actually,” he said, but before Sole could protest, he added, “it’s not much,don’t freak out. Just a memento, I suppose.” And then he took out a necklacefashioned out of an old silver chain and a rifle round, and placed it in herhand.

“What’sthis?” she asked, feeling like an idiot. RJ said it was a memento, so sheprobably should recognize it from somewhere, but she just couldn’t place it.But he didn’t seem to mind.

“It’s thefirst round I shot after taking up with you. We encountered some raiders on theway to Diamond City? You were taking cover in front of me, and just as I wastaking aim, you stood up with those brass balls of yours and just went at ‘em.Distracted me so much I completely missed. I picked it up afterwards—at first,I was supposed to use it again, but then it just sort of traveled with me andnever found a way into my rifle. So…”

“It’sperfect,” she said, “I love it. Can you…?”

Evenfastening the necklace on her, RJ couldn’t help but make excuses. “I know it’snot much, but…”

“Hey.” Sheturned around and put her arms around his neck again. “It doesn’t matter, love.You already gave me the best Christmas gift I could ever dream of: a family.”

Piper

Solepromptly put it out of her mind—there was a lot to do. She woke Piper with akiss, the kind that made her murmur and stretch, and then put her arms aroundSole’s shoulders and pull her in for continuance. Her house in Diamond Citywasn’t big, but with Sole only dropping by from time to time when she managedto steal away from her other duties, it was more than enough. And even thoughit was insanely early for both of them, they already heard Nat bustling arounddownstairs.

“Wow,” Solesaid. “She got excited for Christmas.”

“Nat?Never,” Piper replied, getting out bed and rushing down the stairs, still onlyin her shirt and shorts. Sole took a moment to appreciate her legs and the waythe oufit showed off certain parts of her, before finally getting dressedherself and following her.

“MerryChristmas!” Nat, wearing an apron, shouted at their sight way more joyfullythan Sole had ever heard her speak. She didn’t even put down the ladle when shehugged them both warmly, and then went back to cooking. Piper looked like she’dbeen hit by lightning.

“What isgoing on?” she whispered to Sole as they went back upstairs to get dressed.“Did the Institute take her.”

“Stop it,”Sole laughed. “It’s just the holiday cheer.”

“No,seriously, Blue… I’ve never seen her act like this.”

“Trust me,she’s just possessed by Christmas spirit.” Piper didn’t seem entirelyconvicted, but Sole couldn’t really offer her anything else. She still hadn’ttold her she’d decided to take over the Institute in order to make it betterfor the people of the Commonwealth. She had no idea how Piper would react. Soeven though she knew firsthand Nat was not swapped and that, in fact, no onewould get swapped for a synth ever again, she wasn’t going to tell her that onChristmas morning. “Look, if she still acts like this after the holidays, then you’ll have a reason to be worried.For now, just enjoy it. Come on, she’s cooking for us.”

“Yeah,that’s what worries me the most,” Piper mumbled. “But okay. I’ll put aside mymistrustful journalist nature aside… just for today.”

“Goodgirl,” Sole teased and kissed her again. “Now, come on, I wanna give you yourgift.”

“No!” Piperjumped in immediately. “Me first!” After which, she darted back downstairs withSole close at her heels.

“Really,you should probably see what I got f—” She didn’t finish as Piper pushed a boxup to her face like a little excited girl. It was flat, but quite big, with abig blue bow around it. “Okay…” Sole said as her brow raised, and Piperimmediately got all flustered and adorable.

“O-Okay,maybe I got a little bit too… But I just… Oh, just open it.”

So Sole didand inside she found a… a scrapbook? Well, it was definitely hand-made, withpages glued to the leather-bound cover with wonderglue, probably, and even thecover seemed to be taken from some other book. But it didn’t matter, becausewhen Sole opened it, she found pages and pages and pages of photos of her and Piper, and even some of the others,all from the time they spent traveling together. There was her conversationwith Nick, and here how she went to the mayor’s office, and on the next pagewere even photos of her breaking into Kellogg’s old house… But somehow, ‘thisreporter’ managed to keep herself from captioning every single one, insteadsettling for just a few sarcastic remarks here and there, like the one thatsaid “Justice served hot” at the photo of her going at some raiders with aflamer. Sole felt like she was about to burst out laughing, but instead shejust stood there in awe.

“You… Youwere taking photos the entire time?” she stuttered out, then raised her gaze tolook at Piper’s flustered face.

“Yeah, Imean… Didn’t you ever notice?”

“I… I don’tknow, I guess I didn’t. I mean, I saw you photographing everything else, justnot… me.” She went back to flipping through the pages. Here was their time atCovenant… There, their trip to Vault 81… And at the very end, on the last page,was only one photo—the one they’d made together at the beginning of theirrelationship, here in Diamond City, laying in Piper’s bed as Sole kissed hercheek and Piper couldn’t help but blush and laugh. And the caption said only, “HowI knew”. Sole felt tears pricking at her eyelids.

“Thank you,Red,” she managed to push through her tightened throat.

“You’rewelcome, Blue.” Piper looked like she was about to burst into tears herself,but held herself bravely as she pulled Sole in for a hug. They just couldn’tstay away from each other, could they?, Sole thought, burying her face inPiper’s hair.

“Hey, youtwo lovebirds, how about some help here?” Nat suddenly shouted from the otherside of the room. “Do I have to do everything alone?!”

Piperpulled away from Sole, sniffled; wiped away a tear hanging from Sole’seyelashes; and then she chuckled and said, “Gotta love family, huh?”

Preston

By the timeshe managed to gather strength to get out of bed, the entire town was buzzingwith people gathering up near the tree at the round square. She got dressed andfollowed suit, only to see Preston helping the settlers up several ladders tohang decorations from the branches. She kinda liked him in a position ofleadership. There was just something… something else to the way he distributed tasks among everyone, keeping thembusy, until the entire town worked together to make the most of this Christmas.It honestly warmed Sole’s heart as she walked towards them and people greetedher with happy voices and ‘Merry Christmas’es and ‘good to see you’s.

“Hello,General,” Preston said a bit sheepishly as she approached, even though his facewas sporting a wide grin.

“Hello, myFirst Officer,” she replied cheekily. She could swear he blushed a little, butthankfully, with him, only she was able to tell. “You’re having fun,” she addedas she motioned to the people around.

“It’s reassuringto see people come together and forget about their troubles on a day like this.”He smiled softly. He was talking about the settlers, but he looked only at her.Then he turned his face to the sun as his gaze drifted away and he said,“Everyone’s so cheerful and carefree.”

“What aboutyou?” Sole put her hand on his cheek to turn his face back to her. She didn’teven notice when they’d moved closer to each other, to the point where it mightstart being really uncomfortable to everyone around. She didn’t really care.“How is it today?”

“Could bebetter,” he said, and she knew he meant it was awful. “I mean, last year…”

“I know,”she stopped him before he could fall into that abyss again. “I know.”

Prestonkissed her forehead, drawing comfort for having her close. Or at least that’swhat she thought, given that it was exactly what she was doing.

“I’m justglad we found each other,” he said.

“Me, too.”

They stayedlike that for another minute, linked in that intimate embrace, as everyonebustled around them, shouting and laughing. The sun falling on the decorationscovered the ground around them in colorful flashes.

“Come on,”Preston said eventually, pulling away from her, though with clear effort. “Iwant to give you your present.”

“Shouldn’tyou keep watch on your lemmings?”

He blinkedat her. “What’s a ‘lemming’?”

Solepaused, staring into the distance. “Nevermind,” she replied eventually. “Oldworld stuff. Lead on, then. Where did you hide it?”

“Like I’mgoing to tell you,” he smiled at her. “Where would I hide your future presentsthen? Just wait here.” He left her at the porch of their house as hedisappeared behind the one across the street, but then he was gone for so longshe couldn’t tell where he went anymore. Bastard.

And then henearly gave her a heart attack when he came up from behind her saying, “Well,what are you waiting for?” As soon as she was done shrieking, she slapped hisarm as he laughed. Oh, it was so nice to see that poor man laughing. “Come intothe house, love. It’s there on the counter.”

And whenSole looked, she saw a fully modified laser musket laid out in the kitchen,obviously custom made, repainted in blue and white, and with the Minutemen logolovingly engraved on the side. She picked it up gently and turned it in herhands, marveling at the handiwork.

“You saidyou didn’t like the muskets for how long it took to wind them up, so I figuredout how to make it automatic,” Preston said, coming up and embracing her frombehind. “Do you like it?”

“Huh.” Sheput it to her shoulder and let go a quick series of lasers through the openside door at the wreck of her old car that was still standing on the drivewayeven though she was supposed to break it down to pieces probably like twomonths ago. But, well, it turned to ash in a matter of seconds now, so… problemsolved? She threw Preston a glance over her shoulder just to see his perplexedface. Oops. Seems he didn’t expect her to just start shooting it right away. “Ilove it,” she said cheerfully, and bent herself awkwardly to pull him in for akiss. Preston shook his head leniently, but gave in to her and they spent thenext few minutes passionately making out in the middle of the living room asSole only tried not to drop her new gift on the floor.

“Now,”Preston said when they finally ran out of breath and had to pull away, “time toget back to our family, huh?”

[stansghost]

Im having the shittiest day and I’m wondering if you could do some platonic/romantic hcs of Stozier (aslo if you could add Richies reaction to Stan being dead bc that’s so fucking tragic ??)

ahh I’m sorry you were having a bad day !!! Hopefully this can help you cheer up a bit ?? (Also holy shit I’m so sorry, I promise these were just supposed to be headcanons but I have Absolutely No Self Control) I hope you like them !!

~

• their late middle school years and early high school years are stolen glances, forbidden daydreams, and butterflies that neither of them completely understand but neither of them mind too much either

~

• Richie almost never has nightmares, but when he does it’s the same one (he’s at a funeral in front of a coffin, he looks down to see himself in it, when he turns around, he sees all of the seats are vacant)

• he always wakes up in a panic, tears streaming down his face, usually he’s able to calm himself back down, but some nights he just can’t deal with it alone

• he sneaks to Stan’s house, and climbs through the window

• when he first started, Stan was super annoyed (“Richie, it’s like 3am, what are you doing here??”)

• but when he sees the hesitant and shy way Richie is holding himself, and his red eyes and puffy cheeks, Richie is in his bed and cuddling under the covers in seconds

• he tells Stan about his dreams, and Stan quietly reassures him (while also thankful Richie’s head is pressed against Stan’s chest so he can’t see the worry on Stan’s face)

• “you won’t forget me, right?”

• “how could I ever forget you”

• Stan plays with Richie’s hair, humming nonsense songs until they both fall asleep

• Stan wakes up to Richie next to him on the bed

• he can’t believe how such a beautiful, innocent looking boy could turn into such a fckn asshole

• he has the strongest urge to lean over and kiss Richie’s forehead

• he shakes his head and gets up to make waffles

~

• Richie calls Stan “Staniel” when they get into drunk arguments

• drunk!Stan™ usually comes back with “Richinold”

• before long they’re usually too busy giggling to continue their argument

~

• Stan has really bad social anxiety, and while he’s usually ok in public spaces, sometimes he just needs a minute in a quiet space

• the losers really wanted to try out the new waterpark that had just been built, Stan really d i d n o t want to, knowing how crowded it always was, but how could he say no when the others were so excited ?

• once he’s there, he has fun with his friends and everything is ok

• but suddenly everything becomes louder, its harder to breathe, everyone is moving so fast and his vision starts tunnelling and he needs to Get Out

• he jumps out of the pool and basically sprints to the changing room and locks himself in one of the bathroom stalls

• Richie noticed Stan getting out of the pool and is immediately rushing after him before Bev can even ask what happened

• Richie runs into the change room looking around for Stan when he hears laboured breathing from one of the bathroom stalls

• Richie calls his name softly and knocks on the bathroom stall

• He hears the breathing stop for a moment, then the door opens and the next thing Richie knows he’s on his ass holding a panicking Stan

• Stan starts rambling uncontrollably, stuttering and stumbling over his words, trying to explain what happened

• he tries to tell Richie he tried to calm down and it’s never been this bad before and he doesn’t know what to do and he doesn’t know how to calm down

• Richie just shushes him and tries to get him to breathe

• He’s trying not to let his tears fall because he’s sure he’s never seen his friend this scared before but somehow this feels so familiar and he can’t help but be a little scared too

• they just sit there on the ground, holding each other until Stan finally starts to calm down

• whatever strange looks they get from other men and boys walking by, Richie deflects with a glare of mind your own fucking business

• whenever the losers club suggest going to the pool again, Richie always makes sure he and Stan “already have plans”

~

• Stan only does stupid shit around Richie

• he cackles internally when none of the losers believed Richie when he told them Stan had dabbed 15 times in a row to All Star

• “why Stan, why”

“because no one will believe you”

“you monster”

~

• Richie joins Stan on one of his birdwatching adventures

• because lately, for some reason, he really wants to hang out with Stan more often

• Stan spends most of the time walking to the meadow near the barrens, talking about the northern lapwing his father had told him he’d seen the other day (“they’re very rare for this area, Richie, people would kill to see one of those), and that he vowed he wouldn’t leave until he saw it too

• Richie starts getting super bored though, he’d finished his funny book and the sandwich Stan’s mom had packed him

• he starts looking around, taking in everything around him, when he notices Stan’s bag is open and he can see a worn out journal inside

• “*gasp* Stanley Uris did you really break your mother’s favourite vase ? you naughty boy tsk tsk…”

“yeah yeah, it was gre- wait what”

“and theN YOu blamed it on me?? how Rude™”

“ Richie Tozier put that dowN DON’T READ THAT”

• Richie tried to take the journal and run (seeing his name for a brief second and becoming curious) though he didn’t get far before Stan fckn tackled him to the ground

• they start fighting over the journal, wrestling and rolling all over the ground

• little known fact about Stanley Uris; he’s extremely ticklish

• Richie uses this unfairly in Stan’s opinion to his advantage

• Stan pins Richie to the ground and finally gets his journal back

• they’re both out of breath from the effort and the mini tickling war, that at first they don’t realize how close they are to each other

• when they do the whole situation just seems a little less funny

• Richie is taking in all of Stan’s features; the way that one little curl falls just right over his face; the little crinkles by his eyes when he smiles, his angelic smile

• Richie can feel himself leaning in closer an-

• Stan gives a little chuckle and stands up, brushing himself off (“come on Richie, it’s getting late and now our clothes are all dirty,,, I’ll just come back another day)

• Richie stays where he is for a minute, trying to process what just happened what he almost did

• Stan has butterflies in his stomach and he won’t let himself understand why boys aren’t supposed to feel that way about other boys Stanley dear, you’ll grow out of it

~

• Richie’s phone once autocorrected Stan’s name to Satan

• Richie kept that as Stan’s contact name for almost 5 months until Stan broke into his phone to change it

~

• It wasn’t until their second year of high school that they finally realized/admitted how they felt about each other

• they were both tipsy on New Year’s Eve at the clubhouse when someone suggested spin the bottle

• Stan sat beside Bill, secretly not at all secretly looking at Richie

• Richie sat beside Bev, they were whispering about something that Stan couldn’t hear, occasionally looking his way

• when it finally came down to Stan’s turn, he spins the bottle and it lands on Richie

• they both look at each other in shock, the cat calls and playful whooping fading into the background

• Stan is still trying to process the situation when he realizes Richie already crossed the circle to him

• he’s inches away from Stan’s face when he whispers a quiet “I c-can’t” and immediately jumps up

• he looks around to see the confused and shocked faces of his friends (and the confused and hurt look on Richie’s face) before he quickly exits the clubhouse

• Richie takes a minute to take in what just happened, before he’s out the door just as fast

• he catches up to Stan, and grabs his arm to stop him from walking away

• Stan yanks his arm out of Richie’s grasp, trying to hide his face because he won’t can’t let Richie see the tears that he couldn’t hold back

• Richie practically begs Stan to look at him and tell him what’s going on

• Stan refuses to, as he runs his hands through his hair and mutters to himself (“this isn’t right, this isn’t right, I can’t do this, I can’t)

• Richie grabs Stan’s shoulders and forced him to look at him, the uncertainty and hesitance on Stan’s face scared him

• “when I tell you you’re going to hate me”

“Don’t be ridiculous, how could I ever hate you”

“I… I like… you”

• Stan refused to look at Richie in the eye as he confessed, but his head snapped up when he heard laughter

• he looked up to see the biggest smile he’d ever seen on Richie’s face

“you like me? Like, you’re not fucking with me right?”

“No this isn’t a fucking joke Richie, this is real. Fuck i knew it, i knew I shouldn’t have said anything, I fucked everything up, everything was so good and now I’m going to lose the one person I care most abo-“

• Richie grabs Stan’s face in his hands and looked at him right in the eyes with a dead serious expression

“You aren’t going to lose shit you noodle-haired doof” Richie smiles at him “I like you too. I’ve known it since that day in the meadow, I know it when I see your smile, or hear your laugh. I know it when I see you talk about something that makes you happy, I know it when you tell me about your day, or what you want to do with life. I know it when it hurts to say goodbye, and I know it when I find myself getting butterflies thinking about seeing you the next day. Fuck Stan, I like you, I like everything about you. So please, don’t ever talk about losing me again because I swear on my life, for as long as you’ll have me, I’ll never leave you

• Stan has never been happier in his entire life

• Richie asks if he can kiss him

• Stan tells him it’s ok

• it’s so sweet and soft, and so much better than either of them could have imagined

~

• they come out to the losers a week later

• they walk to the barrens holding hands, heads held high (but lowkey kinda terrified)

• Ben, being the adorable romantic he is, runs up to them and congratulates them

• Bev turns to Mike with a smug look and Mike begrudgingly takes out a dollar bill and shoved it into Bev’s open palm, before they both go up to congratulate them as well

• Eddie and Bill stay back, overwhelmingly proud and happy that their friends were finally able to express their love for each other (because honestly it was so fckn obvious, they can’t believe it took them this long)

• amidst the barrage of questions the two get about their newfound relationship, Stan and Richie make eye contact

• Stan smiles at Richie

• Richie smiles and winks back at him

~

• sometimes Stan will go on huge rants about things going on in the world, or things he learned in school, and Richie just sits there, not really listening, but rather watching

• watching as sometimes Stan will stumble over words when he gets too excited

• watching as Stan’s forehead will crease every now and then with his expression

• watching his arms subconsciously animating his words

• watching him worry his bottom lip when he’s trying to think of his next set of words

• watching the beautiful boy he’s completely and utterly in love with

~

• their first and last time was the day before Stan left

• at first it was rushed kisses and hurried touches

• but then it melted into soft caresses and innocent love

• the next morning was filled with messy hair, featherlight kisses and soft laughter

• Richie swore he wouldn’t cry, he wouldn’t let Stan see how much he needed him there

• he tried to cover up the pain with laughter

• Stan knew Richie too well, he could see it in his eyes

• he held Richie tighter

• “you’ll see me again, I think. I have the weirdest feeling none of us are quite done with this place yet”

• Richie can’t trust his voice, he settles for light kisses to Stan’s neck, jaw, cheeks, nose, lips

• it’s time for Stan to leave, Richie doesn’t want to let go

• Stan doesn’t want to let go either, but if he doesn’t then he’ll stay there with Richie forever

• he forced himself out of the bed

• they get dressed

• they say goodbye

Years Later

• when Richie gets that phone call from Mike, his entire world breaks

• he doesn’t remember too much at first, but something inside tells him he can’t go, he can never go back

• there are so many emotions and new (old?) memories flooding his mind

• then he remembers him

• Stan “the man” Uris

• one of his closest friends, the one who was there for him every goddamn time

• his first.. love ? yes that’s it, his first love

• suddenly, he’s not so scared anymore, suddenly the whole journey looks a little less impossible

• sure he’s scared, sure he really doesn’t want to face… whatever it is he’s sure they’re going to face, but if Stan’s there then everything will be ok

• if he gets to see Stan again, it will all be worth it, he’s sure

~

• their first dance was at junior prom

• Making Love Out Of Nothing At All by Air Supply was playing, and Richie grabbed Stan’s hand and pulled him onto the dance floor

• “Richie, I don’t know how to dance”

• “Neither do I”

• “They’re all looking at us”

• “Fuck ‘em, it’s you and me and the music tonight, that’s all I care about”

~

• while driving to Derry, Richie suddenly gets a horrible feeling

• it feels like something just punched him in the gut and it hurts to breathe, he thinks of Stan

• he pulls over, clutching at his chest, trying to regain proper breathing

• suddenly memories of Stan pop into his mind

• the good

• the bad although, were there really any bad memories of Stan?

• he’s unsure why, but he chalks it up to his anxiety of going back to Derry and not knowing what happened to Stan all these years

• he tries to convince himself that when he sees Stan, this horrible feeling will go away

• he finally regains his breath and continues on

~

• that year for Hanukkah, Stan’s mother had asked him to do some baking to give out to friends and family

• naturally when Richie heard “baking” he tagged right along home with Stan

• Stan’s specialty is sufganiyots, but he’s super particular about how they’re made, and Richie is not meeting his requirements

“sift the flour Richie, you have to sifT IT”

“sift this bitch”

• Richie proceeds to throw the flour in Stan’s face

• Stan stands there for a second, absolutely in shock, before he grabs a fistful of flour and shoves it down Richie’s shirt

• and the famous junior year flour fight had commenced

• chaos ensued as innocent particles of flour were tossed and hurled about, most missing the target but some hitting dead on. The flour massacre only stopped when Richie grabbed Stan’s hands and pinned them on the wall above Stan’s head

• Stan, realizing his defeat, tries to smooth things over with a quick smooch

• as Richie leans down, Stan seizes the momentary distraction and dumps the remaining flour in the bowl over Richie’s head

“Checkmate, bitch”

• Stan goes upstairs to take a shower because now he’s filthy thanks to a certain someone, inviting Richie to join him after he’s done cleaning his mess

• Stan makes sure he’s finished long before Richie is done cleaning

~

• when he gets to the restaurant Mike had told him about, he’s surprised to see Stan hasn’t arrived yet (Stan is absolutely never late)

• the horrible feeling is threatening to come back again

• he tells himself that he doesn’t even know how Stan had planned to arrive, his flight could have easily been delayed, or traffic jams and construction could easily slow down a bus or car travel

• it doesn’t make him feel better

~

• later on in the evening in the library, reassured by everyone that Stan is just uncharacteristically late, Richie starts having a good time with the losers

• he’s laughing and making jokes, but at the same time he’s becoming more and more anxious because where the fuck is Stan, why isn’t he here yet, I swear to god when he gets here I’m gonna let him fucking have it for making me worry so much

• he gets up at some point to go grab another beer from the kitchen, laughing at a story Ben had just finished telling them

• he hears a phone ringing in the background

• he hears the laughter die down, and stop

• “guys what’s up? Who died in…”

• he trails off when he returns to the lobby, taking in the complete change in mood

• Mike is solemnly putting the phone down, he looks up carefully to Richie

• Ben is staring at his hands in,, disbelief ?

• Beverly has a hand over her mouth, trying to hold back tears as she stares at the phone

• Eddie is staring cautiously at Richie, skin white as if he’d seen a ghost

• Bill immediately stands when Richie enters the room and starts toward him

• Richie weakly asks who was on the phone

“Richie,,,”

“who was on the fucking phone Bill”

• that horrible feeling is back, and this time it won’t leave

• his lungs, his throat and his heart, everything feels like it’s collapsing and it hurts, it hurts so bad

• all the hope he’d clung to ever since the call with Mike is slowly evaporating as he desperately tries to keep hold of it

• when Bill utters those two hateful words, Richie’s world stops

• he can’t think, he can’t breathe, his legs feel like they could collapse at any second, and all he can do is reply with a small “no” no please god, please let this be a cruel joke, let Stan walk through those doors, let him call back on that phone and say “gotcha Richie, get any good chucks out of this one?” please, anything but this because this hurts so bad and I don’t know what to do

• he looks around at his friends, searching for the answer he wants needs

• he doesn’t get it and oh god why can’t he breathe

• they all take time to mourn Stan

• they all share their favourite memories of him

• no one points out the fact that Richie hasn’t said a single word

• after a while, Mike slowly eases them back into planning for the events of the next day

• once a plan is decided, Richie quickly excuses himself, and leaves for his hotel room

• he’s numb the entire cab ride there, watching out the window but not really seeing anything

• as soon as he’s in his room and the door is shut, is when he finally breaks

• he sits down in the entry way, pulling his knees to his chest and trying to breathe between the sobs

• he falls asleep there, his last thought is of the smile Stan had given him when they came out to the losers

Years Later pt 2

• Richie doesn’t remember the losers club anymore

• he’s forgotten all about his childhood in Derry, and the reunion he’d had with his childhood friends

• their final encounter with It had worked, It was dead

• even though he desperately didn’t want it to, the forgetting had begun again (this time permenantly)

• but

• every now and then, Richie will see someone in the street with short and perfectly curled hair

• he gets the strongest urge to call out to them

• but when they turn around and he sees their face, he’s always disappointed, but he never knows why

• the day he was driving to propose to his boyfriend of three years, the radio was playing throwback songs to the 1980’s

• just as he was pulling into the parking lot of the restaurant Making Love Out Of Nothing At All comes on

• he is hit with a powerful ache of nostalgia

• all he can do is sit there, eyes closed and listening to this song, reliving something he had long since forgotten but it must have been so good

• “why do you want sufganiyots as one of the deserts in our wedding Richie? It’s nowhere near Hanukkah”

“Because they look fucking delicious, that’s why. And, you said I couldn’t have that “northern lapwing”, or whatever it’s name was, statue that I wanted, so I get this.”

[booksbroadwaybbc]

Walked Away from 1st ever Job, Want to work but I am Uncertain/Anxious about what to do and who to listen too. via /r/selfimprovement

Walked Away from 1st ever Job, Want to work but I am Uncertain/Anxious about what to do and who to listen too.

So this is me currently:

18 years old living with parents.

HS Diploma (Graduated last Month)

Have an Adult Drivers License and Car for commuting.

2500 in cash saved up. Money Received from family/relatives over the last decade + Money made from selling on ebay +

Doing Paid Surveys.

I was interested in someway of making money online instead of a job at 16. I even opened a Tax Exemption ID soon after I turned 18 in 2017 in hopes of starting an online ebay / amazon business. That failed since upfront investment was too much too handle and competition was fierce. There was almost zero room for entry. Other sellers had great prices and so much to offer, While I had nothing much. I was just a guy selling the same stuff that others had been doing since forever and were damn good at it.

Business/Entrepreneurship is off the table since I called my states Department of Revenue to notify I am permanently out of business and closed the tax ID I opened. Why? I kept getting notices in the mail titled Delinquent, saying I need to file business tax returns otherwise my ass was getting penalized.

I really regret not going for a part time job at 16 and just working my way up into something, but the past is the past.

Moving on to 2018, A few weeks ago (right after finishing High School) my mindset was find any job at any pay level, start somewhere and work your way up. This still is my mindset but...

I walked out on my very first job a few days ago. I didn't even tell anyone I was leaving or quitting. It was a rash choice that was just made. The next few lines are alot to read, sorry about that.

How I got this job I walked out on and what happened there:

I told my dad I applied to a job without telling him. I later learned applying there was useless since I applied too late, there open interviews took place in May and I applied in June. Whoops.

My dad was furious and told me that getting hired somewhere requires using people in the inside. He basically told me that you need someone to vouch for you, a reference from someone already working at the place you applied to. This is what my dad did to get my older sister a job after she finished college. This is obviously not entirely true, but my dad is just hard to talk too and doing something like this behind is back and not agreeing with him is like the same as murder.

After he cooled down he got in touch with some of his friends to get me a job at a manufacturing company. This company just opened a new plant and is hiring lots of people. My dad has lots of friends working for this company but at different plants. They are all making decent money and have been getting by. But some of them including my parents told me the reality of working in manufacturing. They told me its not for everyone and it is physical labor that requires endurance, patience, stamina and that it is tough stuff and should not be taken lightly at all, go to school or do something else. My parents have years of experience working in manufacturing and did not want me to go this route. They were super skeptical about this choice I made and were very worried about me. Despite all of that I shrugged it off and went to the office, applied and got an interview date. I did the interview and was given a tour of the plant.

I got asked some questions like where do you see yourself in 5 years? What comes first, safety, production or efficiency?

stuff like that.

A week later I get a phone call to do a drug test. I go to this place and get that done. And a few more days pass and another call comes in. This call is from HR about Orientation. I go to orientation and I am very nervous because I literally have zero employment history. Never worked before. Everyone there was well above my age and had experience. My voice is low when I get anxious and I just felt really panicky. The HR lady even called me out and said she shes me peeping and asked if I was okay. I said I am fine and we moved on. She was right though. I was quiet and really anxious about everything as we discussed OSHA safety and other procedures. I asked only a few questions. We all signed a lot of paperwork and just felt exhausted by the end. I was given A/B schedule and had work the next day. I also had a folder full of stuff and a badge and papers to take to work the next day. We were told to clock in before 6:55, thats when our pay started.

The rest of the day I am just thinking long and hard about this decision. The what if? anxiety was also present the whole day. I managed to fall asleep. I got up real early at 5:30. Hit the freeway and showed up in time. I keyed myself in using the badge I was given. Someone told me I should speak to the supervisor since I am new. I went to the supervisors office and was told to wait in the break room. A lady came to me and introduced me to the plant. She was very nice and courteous. Then she left me with one of the managers and I started working. We were making clorox toilet wands. I struggled for the first 5 minutes than figured out what I was doing. I than started working on one of the assembly lines which was easy. Than there was break and I sat and ate some food, And I probably sat for about 20-25 minutes. I asked someone when break ends and learned I should report back to work. I go back and I am doing something different. Packaging. I sucked at it and the lady who trained me got me doing something else. This was more manageable. But it hurt. Physically. The work was fast paced and my back was having it bad. My legs were too. I don't know exactly how long I did it but I am going to guess it was about 2 hours. This task involved standing forever and placing a clorox container in a package. It did it hundreds of times. Eventually we stopped for a break. There were three 20 min breaks. This job was a 12 hour job from 7 am to 7 pm. Pay was 12 per hour. As I worked I wondered hard that If I really wanted to do this long term. During the orientation we learned that promotions were available after 3 months and if you learned an apprenticeship you can make bank and have a career. This company was a solid company and good pay was there, but the job. The job was physical. As I watched other people do there jobs I had nothing but mad respect for the work they were putting in. When we stopped for that break I was just like "man, do I really want to do this for a living? I am not disrespecting the job or the people there but the work was physical. I only worked for like 2-3 hours and was aching pretty bad. I Even overhead some veteran employees in the break room say "Im Tired".

Another 8 more hours where left to go. We even had to stop the machine for a few minutes cause one of my finger nails started bleeding. I had to run and get a Band Aid and put on some gloves. I worked with those gloves on for some time and the second break came. I went to the bathroom and just wondered about leaving. And that is what I did. I got my lunch box, and walked out. A few people saw me. And I just got in my car, and drove away. I stopped at a local park, rolled my seat and windows down, and just sat there wondering wtf am I going to do with my life. Forget years. forget months. Where will I be with in the next 24 hours? These last couple months I have made so many rash choices. I don't have any ambitions, passions, or talents. I just want to make a living, enough to live and get by, But have no idea how to get there. I have no idea how to work my ass into the middle class.

Should I listen to myself?

My inner self says try out jobs in my area, find one that sticks, work my ass off and build experience. Then work your way up with the same company or different ones.

Or Should I listen to my parents?

Parents want me to go to the local community college. Or work part time and do college. College is totally required in there opinions.

College scares the hell out of me. Alot of people come out with debit, and unable to find jobs in there field. I know teachers, family friends, and countless other people who were not able to find a job with there degree and took on jobs in something else. College is also years of investing your time, I am not ready for that. I also slacked off real bad academically after my sophomore year. I left honors classes and took regular. Did not play sports or join any clubs. I wasted not only my time, But my school and teachers time.

I do not have a specific interest in any major or career. I feel I need to start at the very bottom of any job and work my way up in baby steps. But I am really anxious to apply to other jobs ever since I walked out of that job.

I still need to contact HR to tell them I left which I certainly will do.

With all that being said I realized I need to relax since I am okay. I have been doing chores, babysitting my nephew and helping my parents with things. I don't have kids, rent, debt collectors coming after me and other horrors people out in the world are facing. Even my parents are telling me its not the end of the world, but then My mother says all the time that you will by dreading your ass off in the future for not listening to them. That I will regret not getting a higher education. I respect the advice they give me, but at the end of the its up to me what I do and everything has been rash, unexpected, and just mentally stressful.

or am I eating my own words for not agreeing with them?

Freaking anxiety. It just floats in my head all day.

This is what I have in mind as of 7/8/2018

First thing I need to do is contact HR that I walked away from that job.

Then, I have been looking at other jobs in my area and have found some that are not as labor intensive. No worried about pay, just getting experience is most important.

I want to apply to them and push anxiety aside. One job is even taking open interviews.

Things I have learned and remind myself everyday despite Anxiety

We learn by doing.

Fear is a state of mind.

Your life could be way worse, be thankful for everything you have.

You cant change the past, but you can learn from it.

Dont Complain at all, do what needs to be done.

I am honestly wondering why I am making this. I have thought many times before to sit down and talk with someone or post on reddit about my personal problems. I have watched lots of Gary Vaynerchuck videos on Youtube as well. Gary says complaining and telling people my problems to people instead of doing something about it and listening to other people suppress you from what you feel you should do is wrong. This is very true, but I find myself stressing my self with anxiety more than ever. I really don't now what's going to happen to me. I am very afraid of failure. I don't want to fuck up. I want to make it out of low/ no income status. My mind gets to me all the time.

Any Advice is very much appreciated and I cant thank you enough for taking your own personal time to read this.

Submitted July 09, 2018 at 03:51AM by intertwinedthings via reddit https://ift.tt/2NBajZf