#sorry i dont mean to become a doctor who blog but now that the shows interesting enough to care about again my autism activated

[txttletale]

the doctor giving unit permission to blow up another country's satellite was fucking insane and awful. reminded me of the absolutely fucking unbearable president of earth shit but at least that was building up to an explicilt rejection of this kind of role. like the doctor is a very malleable character but giving them institutional power over the fucking army is one of the very few things that straight up flies in the face of basically all of their established personality traits and history

[autistic-crypt1d]

Season 1 SG-1 Live Blogging:

It's been a while since I've watched this but I've also seen it over 20 times at this point so I doubt there will be any surprises. Who knows! Plus I finally have refreshed context with the movie.

Updates:

- Children of the Gods pt 1&2

- ahh the black side bars

- I still dont know why the tarp would be moving before the gate even starts dialing, once it starts and everything starts shaking and the tarp goes flying yeah

- AHHHH THE FIRST LOCK OF THE SHOW

- AHHH THE CLASSIC GOA'ULD MUSIC

- the suits are so silly and top heavy I love it

- TEAL'C

- how are these trained military personnel only managing to hit the center base playe of their armour lmao, some real stormtrooper shooting right there

- god damn the acting of the dude who was screaming and shooting was very bad and the effects were so off

- THE BLOOD PFFFFT

- I'm sorry but the gold lipstick they put on Apophis is so goofy

- I forgot how agonizingly slow and boring the original intro is compared to the music

- JACK!!!!

- PFFFFT. THE TELESCOPE SHOT

- I know I've done pretty much nothing but make fun of the show so far but that's because the first season is rough ok, I do love it though

- ah General Hammond, little does he know he's about to recruit one of the 4 biggest pains in the ass of his life

- if the gate was buried, how does Daniel get the tissue box?

- I wonder what they've been doing at the SGC this whole time anyway, I mean until this stuff happens they'd believed the gate only went one place and theh believed it to be destroyed soooo

- also I literally just watched the movie, but I don't remember seeing a DHD over there so I'm assuming that also just wasn't figured out yet

- ah fug Carter's cringy intro. I love her so much but this is awful and the actress herself said so too (thank god she did and fought for her to not do that shit again)

- you can see him fall head over heels for her like right there and then though

- I do find it pretty interesting how the gate travel sequence animation changes eventuallly

- also, what's with the fact they still get all frosty and shit initially but soon it becomes a thing they do no problem, step through the other side skipping and shit

- DANIEL!!!

- the entrance is in like a crater now, funky

- "Captain Doctor you're gonna love this" PFFFFT

- see I know everyone loves Sam & Jack, but everytime I see Sam and Daniel nerding out together they look like they're about to literally makeout

- oop here come the snake lads

- BRO GET YOUR FINGERS OUT OF HER MOUTH YOU THIEVING ASSHAT

- why is her name spelled Sha're here but Sha'uri in the movie?

- everyone huddling up hugging Daniel makes me wanna cry 😭

- it's just occurring to me how weird it is that the Apophis has set up shop in what looks to be a European style castle of all places

- this whole thing with the women being chosen as Apophis's bride is horrifying and I hate it and the nudity was entirely unnecessary. We did not need to be shown women being assaulted and violated and exposed to understand how horrible he is. We really didn't

- pffft you tell him Kawalski

- ugh I fucking hate the scene where Sha'uri is chosen

- wait did they cut out her being fully exposed? Thank god dude, nothing against her I'm just really uncomfortable with nudity

- poor Daniel, he just wants to tell people about the cool stuff

- aaaaaand now everything is greek?

- Apophis is just copying everyone's shit

- PFFFT that was the most ungrateful exit ever

- oop, one of the snake helmets lights are out

- y'all Jack having to lose Skaara after already losing Charlie is just so OUCHYYYYY

- they really just let that helmet be lights out

- "you are the first I believe can do it" AHHHHHHHHHH

- pffft Daniel and his crooked ass glasses

- "I have nowhere to go" "for this, you can stay at my place" god I love them so much I wanna scream

- it's so weird hearing Sam call him "Dr. Jackson" and him call her Captain

- Y'ALL THE MUZZLE FLARE IS SO BADDDD

- after watching the movie, the look Daniel gives Jack after he tells him to go is so much more intense

- ah hell Kawalsky getting infected is a big ouchy

- Daniel and Sam in sync AHHHHH

- Teal'c handing over his weapon to Sam no questions asked 😭

- HELL YEAH JACK, YOU FIGHT FOR YOUR BOO

- The Enemy Within

- pfffft the little exchange of looks between Jack and Kawalsky in the control room

- if matter can't reintegrate, what's the slamming sound? always wondered about that

- Jack's turtleneck shirt thing is so cute

- YOU STAND UP FOR OUR BOY JACK, YOU TELL EM

- this episode hurts my heart so much

- Daniel is so pretty in the og outfit tho, so baby girl

- Teal'c finding out that he's found the Tau'ri is so emotional y'all

- "then you are their greatest hope, and mine." I'M NOT TEARING UP YOU ARE

- everyone is such babies here it makes me wanna cry

- I'm sorry but the way he just tosses Carter is hilarious

- Charlie's in this show are cursed, first Jack's kid, then Kawalsky

- YOU TELL HIM GENERAL

- Teal'c is such a trooper man, he's just letting them use his symbiote (the thing that keeps him alive) to test anesthetics to save Kawalsky

- the way Jack is so soft with his men arms my heart, this military man without hesitation holds Kawalsky's hand and I love him for it

- they've really got zero lights in half these sugery shots

- ah hell, the false hope here HURTSSSS

- I hate Kennedy so much, LEAVE

- poor Teal'c, he thinks he's made a friends and gets attacked instead :(

- Walter buddy, you tried and I'm proud of you

- YES TEAL'C, YOU STAND YOUR GROUND YOU WONDERFUL BADASS

- "I need two ranking officers to override" never gets old

- Jack having to give the order that kills his friend is AHHHHHHH

- "he was your friend." "My friend died on the table." HELP

- I'm gonna cry, the team together on the ramp for the first time ahhhhhhhhhh

- Emancipation

- I HATE this episode

- poor Carter y'all, she's put through the damn wringer in this

- Daniel I adore you but shut tf up you're not the one being asked to shut up and cover up under penalty of violence or death

- DANIEL, SHUSH

- Jack you aren't helping

- JACK. DANIEL SHUT UP. PLEASE.

- the fact that this is the first mission they go on as a team is ASS. Yes they do good shit at the end but still.

- you know what, no one is making me watch this and I don't want to soooo SKIP

- The Broca Divide

- this is episode 4???? Damn I remembered this beingf a bit later for some reason, but I feel like that with most episodes tbh

- it gets a bonus for introducing Dr. Frasier

- Daniel is the only one with self preservation rn, who tf goes through to an alien planet that is so dark the malp couldn't see a damn thing

- good point, why tf doesn't the malp have a night vision mode

- pfffft Daniel's little wave of submission

- ugh god I love the intro music so much, 10 seasons over a dozen times and I still love it

- DANIEL, SHUT IT. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THAT'S HOW STUFF USED TO GO, IT'S NOT HAPPENING NOW

- pfffft Daniel's stuttering

- Teal'c catching that punch like a BADASS "general I would prefer to not hurt this man" AHHHH

- DANIEL AND THE TURTLENECK SHIRT THING

- SG-1 is just so pretty

- uh oh locker room scene

- "why? I mean no"

- Dr. Frasier!!!!!

- poor Daniel :(

- Janet calling Teal'c "Mr. Teal'c" is so cute

- ahhhh Daniel is so sassy I love it

- I'm sorry but Daniel helping to restrain Jack is hilarious considering how easily Jack absolutely MANHANDLES him in this show

- "I am not Lucy" XD

- ah yes, one of the many episodes where Daniel is carried around like he weighs 2 lbs

- the first person he calls for is Jack 😭

- The First Commandment

- this episode is pretty wild honestly, plus like, Sam lore???

- Connor immediately collapsing once he knew he was safe with SG-1 is just so AHHHH

- "this tastes like chicken" "what's wrong with it?" "It's macaroni and cheese"

- "I guess I've always had a soft spot for the lunatic fringe"

- I love how Daniel and Sam are always yappin together

- "we should have stopped her" "we would have failed" pfffft

- YEAH SAM GET HIS ASS

- just shoot him in the leg Sam!!!!

- every single time they try and show people that Teal'c is friendly is cracks me tf up

- Teal'c reaction to his drawing being complimented is so cute help

- wooo! Revolting against false gods!!

- Cold Lazarus

- first planet we've seen that looks different than Earth which is cool

- the blue of the sky with the yellow ass sand hurts my eyes

- Pffft Daniel not knowing if he's using the radio right cracks me up

- I wonder why Jack keeps all that stuff in his locker, like having some photos at work yeah, but the wedding ring and notes? Why not at home?

- I'm sorry Jack/Sam shippers, but every time I see Sam and Daniel working together being all nerdy and completely ignoring the concept of personal space, AHHHH

- oof this episode is so awkward and painful

- pffft the random side plot of Teal'c learning about Earth through the tv is so funny to me

- SAM AND DANIEL ARE SO CUTE HELP, the way they sprint into Teal'c room together all excited, AHHH

- Sara's dad is so sweet about what he thinks is Jack and what he's going through

- y'all, entity Jack holding Charlie's things and rocking, OUCHIE

- god Sam and Daniel are so chaotic together, such mutual enablers

- PFFFT everyone's faces when the real Jack comes through the gate XD

- the fact that literally none of this is ever brought up again is really annoying

- The Nox

- I love the Nox

- Daniel trying to get information from the Nox and failing terribly is so funny

- Apophis sucks

- the costume design for the Nox is so good

- I can't tell if the green in the fire is a chemical thing they did or a greenscreen being behind it

- Daniel covering Sam up 😭

- PFFFT TEAL'C WITH A DAMN LOG

- Brief Candle

- I hate this episode honestly

- the fact is O'Neill gets drugged and raped and no one talks about it

- skipping

- Thor's Hammer

- Jack diving to try and save Teal'c 😭 I love those two so much

- I love Gairwyn, she's fantastic

- the fake thor looks so goofy 😭

- ahhhh I love the Unas lore so much

- I love Jack and Teal'c so much y'all, the way that they stand side by side through anything, the ultimate duo

- The Torment of Tantalus

- ahhhh this episode is so good!!!!

- them realizing that they weren't the first to go through and someone actually got stranded out there??? CHILLS

- CARSON!!!!

- I've always wondered wtf this man ate while he was there all this time

- y'all that conversation between Earnest and Catharine, AHHH

- BRO, THE WAY SAM AND DANIEL ARE SITTING??? No personal space with each other

- "this is a true universal language!" Ahhhh!!! I love Daniel nerding out

- Sam with rolled up sleeves AH!!

- Bloodlines

- where tf did they get the priest gear??

- ahhhh Bra-tac, love that guy

- Alison fron Eurekaaaaa

- Fire and Water

- this episode makes me so sad noooo 😭

- Sam crying over Daniel AHHH

- I NEVER REALIZED TEAL'C WAS IN SHORTS

- seeing Teal'c participate in this human ritual of mourning makes me so emotional ahhhhhhh

- ah yes the first of many times Daniel gets kidnapped and tries to communicate with a captor he cannot understand

- General Hammond is the best for letting it slide that Jack obliterates his car window

- I wish we saw more alien races like this fish guy, things that are further from human

- frustrated Daniel is so funny

- Teal'c's expression XD

- I wonder why Nem never went to Earth to search for his mate, or why he didn't go with her

- Hathor

- ugh this episode. Hathor irks me so bad

- "sex, drugs, and rock and roll?" "In a manner of speaking yeah" pffffft

- why tf does Jack do air quotes like that

- see now Daniel is literally getting raped in this episode too and no one comments on this. This is what I hate about this show. Just because it's not violent doesn't mean it's not.

- man the reverse shot is so bad

- the Goa'uld larvae look like ground beef in that tub

- wtf even set the tub on fire

- why tf is the only response to Daniel's trauma "ew" :(

- Singularity

- oh god the Cassie episode 😭

- the way Sam and Jack are with kids in this show is so wholesome

- AHHHHH this Sam and Daniel moment is so good

- the way he looks at her and talks to her BROOO

- if they're so platonic why does Daniel always stand a centimeter from her hm???

- "who said that?" THE WAY HE'S LOOKING AT HER????

- Jack running in that damn hazmat suit is so funny

- the way Janet and Sam cover Cassie AHHH best moms ever

- SHE STILL HAS HER TAG ON BROOOO

- Daniel's little happy slaps XD

- Cor-ai

- ouchy episode

- everyone trying to gently tell Jack they don't believe he's a good choice to be the voice is so funny

- Teal’c’s trembling lip AHHHH

- Daniel’s speech, Y’ALLLLL

- the relationship and dynamic Teal’c and Daniel even after what happened to Sha’re is something else

- “What’re they doing?” “Preparing me for my death.” “Oh”

- Enigma

- oh wow the set and effects on this one is ROUGH

- I just remembered that the Tollen dude, Narim that has a thing for Sam is the same actor who plays Simon, Elizabeth Weir's husband

- Shrodinger!!!

- ugh Mayborne

- YOU TELL HIM GENERAL!!!

- "whoops"

- ah yes, the first of many iconic times they use Daniel as a way to avoid court marshaling XD

- Lya!!! Yay!!!

- the Nox are so cool, I wish we got more of them

- Solitudes

- oh boy this episode

- I feel like this had to be the beginning of the Sam/Jack ship right?

- "why didn't you say something?" "I was afraid you'd try to put a splint on it" I love his sass so much

- AHHHHH I LOVE DANIEL SAVING THE DAY BY BEING A NERD

- I don't understand why she wouldn't think "maybe there's something wrong with the Earth gate after what happened, let me try another world"

- LET'S GO DANIEL!!!

- "what happens when you try to dial your own phone number? Wrong person to ask." PFFFFT

- I think it's kinda hilarious she just assumes it's an ice planet because that's all she can see XD

- the fact that she goes back to him so they can be together at the end AHHHHH

- Tin Man

- I hate this episode, it irritates me and I'm skipping it

- There But for the Grace of God

- ahhhh this episode stresses me outtttt

- why must you always touch everything Daniel

- "oh I hate it when this happens" how many times has Daniel been left behind on a planet????

- his face when he comes through and people are aiming guns at him XD

- Politics

- god I hate Kinsey

- honestly, not a fan of flashback episodes

- "Because what is right is not measured by strength" DAMN RIGHT TEAL'C!!!

- god I still can't get over that scene of Teal'c standing on the gate ramp, blocking Kowalski's path

- Within the Serpent's Grasp

- something I'm just now really thinking about is, why is Apophis the only Goa'uld that did the whole wife and kid thing? No other Goa'uld that we've seen does that

- bro the way Daniel is looking at Sam when they're discussing the C-4 timer and rescuing Jack and Teal'c???

Season 2

[swampgallows]

i got distracted earlier and forgot to post but im thankful for my mutuals who have helped me time and again, even if it’s in ways you may not know. i appreciate you all so much and i am so grateful for the friends i’ve made here and the small but intimate community cultivated through tumblr. 

zbfc and wch, thank you for everything. @zeyan i love you with all my heart and i’m so fucking thankful i could have funny airbnb time with you and @aeiroki grimlock hunterpunter. you make me laugh every single day and i always want the best for you both (and jack!!! and PARKER!!!)

@lokaror thank you for letting me share my love of rexxar and bears with you. we’ve shared a lot of fantastic laughs together, some very fun stuff and some very deep shit too. i treasure every one of our convos together, and your playlists too!

@reglei thankful i finally got to beat you into submission at blizzcon. youre a sweetheart and a sleepyhead. thanks for listening to me ramble late into the night. i appreciate all the times youve had my back, whether it was creepy dudes or spoilers or w/e. you shoulda killed me w gorehowl when you had the chance

I LOVE @amarysue i miss you when you work long hours but i’m always so happy when we get to play games together. i hope you can leave the mcdonalds playplace soon. also i dont get to say it much but i love talking about academic stuff with you. i know i rib you about dark leafy greens but you are very educated in a lot of amazing fields and i love when you share your knowledge with me!!! i love amary!!!!

@theabsolutevoid i know youre the void but youre a golden human being of radiant light. you are so spectacular, we are all always in amazement of your passion and creativity and constant flow of ideas, and your compassion seems boundless. i am so grateful to know such a special person and spent many late nights laughing to tears with you

@perce the dynamic duo... im thankful daygo got me into ladybug so i could hear all of your amazing takes on it as they are equally as hilarious as your wow takes. i admire your resilience, though that might be weird to say, and though i know i’m an old crone youre definitely a role model for me taking command of my own life and establishing boundaries to become the person i want to be. i’m so grateful we got to spend blizzcon together again!! and thank you for getting me the long-forgotten hippogryph. its a very important memory to me.

refugees i know i dont pop in much but i still love you all dearly. im embarrassed actually because you are all functional adults and i’m not but when i get a job and reenter society i want to be able to come back and say i’m a big kid now

thrainosh squad @irenthel @wckhamm etc thank you for letting me indulge my interests without ridicule or judgment. @fitzefitcher i dunno you changed my life SORRY there is not a less fucked up way to say that. no pressure

@sithisis & crew thank you for so many incredible hots games and wonderful memories and all of your sweetness and fun times!!! sith you have inspired and supported so much of my writing and my ideas and i am in awe that you are getting so many amazing opportunities working in games journalism!!! i know theres a lot of grunt work but at the end of the day it seems like youre really doing something you genuinely love (and are good at!!) and i’m so happy for you. you work hard and you deserve it. im love skitty w a gun 

@steblynkaagain your art is such an inspiration to me, and i’m amazed by your cosplay too! i’m thankful that even across language barriers we can enjoy thraina and silly modern AUs together. i am so impressed by your intelligence and achievements. your comic where you pledge yourself to Thrall’s Horde is still so important to me, and every day i think about your mechanic garrosh..... and doctor drek’thar, and doctor thrall, and SHAMAN GARROSH....... (sob)

@captainkaprozyx and @sdei ... i am so thankful for all of your artwork and your amazing gifts. i am working on getting them framed, and your zine was amazing! you are a great team and I love your collaborations. also sdei’s birthday gift is still my discord icon. we just really love a big guy huh....... cannot express how inspiring your artwork is. the detail, the colors... it brings me to tears, i am so stunned. you are both so incredibly talented!

@omnifariousness bro i dont even know where to start. many good dog times and we can strike up the late night jawin again soon i hope. shit has been scattered and i know youve been dippin back n forth on the road but i hope the shit evens out soon for you. excited for you to see tool in feb and damn dude every DAY i think about the reading you treated me to of the 40k stuff for your reel. god man i want that VA shit to work out for you bad. your diction is impeccable and you so deserve it

@darnjam i know you guys dont read this but i love you so much and every day i’m so thankful we’re all still friends. @daygloow thank you for being like the sole source and catalyst for my personal development for like the last 3 years, im so proud of you and everything youve worked so hard to achieve and i’m so glad youre getting the recognition you deserve. thank you for always picking me up (vehicular and emotional) and for watching cartoons n playin vidya with me. god whens the next GOOD rave? i need to make you proud and actually dj so i can play banana

@bluntcrusher every day i’m like god when will king tori take the throne... im so thankful that youre in a good spot finally and that youre getting the love you deserve. and plus a sweet pucci mane. my blogs a mess but im glad youre still stickin around for it haha. always happy to see youre safe and THRIVING

@swarnpert love you dude thank you for lettin me harass you w 420 snaps. bro when you sent me those sabaton snaps i was in line for the haunted mansion at disneyland during blizzcon and it was just like... my heart was so full, it meant so much to me ALSO HOLY SHIT i love your art please NEVER STOP drawing

@nelfs i love your blog and your art and your FEELINGS like I dunno how to word it in a not-weird way. i think you are a very bright person with a good heart, and i’m thankful to know someone like that, even tangentially. it is fortifying also to see someone stand up for the things they love, whether it’s just a cartoon show or something of serious concern like animal welfare. i admire your healthy relationship to yourself and your strong integrity.

@neophyte-redglare i think about bead world garrosh every fucking day of my life. cannot thank you enough. i treasure it

@redpandalori THIS IS THE MVP RIGHT HERE. i dunno when you started sending me floods of kittums but every day i look forward to it and every single one means so much to me. i wear the kandi you handcrafted for me every single day and i show it off constantly to my friends because it’s just mindblowing. you are so sweet and thoughtful and i love sendin you snaps and it’s just incredible how the internet is. thank you for sending me rain snaps and kito & harley/ears & lilith pics all the time

@hungwy i dunno WHAT you get outta my blog but i’m thankful for the reams of sweet animal pics and interesting linguistic and anthropology posts on your blog. you’re a very positive force on my dash and you seem a wonderful person irl too!

@ubersaur im so happy we’re still mutuals after all this time lmao. you were one of the first aces id ever known so we’ll always have that solidarity and i’ll always be thankful. and i have to seriously catch up on magus bride haha. thank you for all of your love and support after all this time, i hope i offer the same to you!!

@18milliondeadplebs the rare and beautiful nexus of my two sole interests... warcraft and raving. dude just thank you for existing man LMAO i hope we can go ravin together some day

@kontextmaschine what a strange long fuckin trip it’s been dude. super surreal to have raved with you and had you come all the way down for burst but i knew i’d be remiss if youd missed it. you definitely deserved a potent taste of the 90s. thank you for the usb sticks, im still waiting on a worthy recipient for the other two. the majority of your blog is practically in hieroglyphics to me but man when the posts hit... they fuckin hit. i know you dont need me to tell you, but youve got a great talent and weirdass fuckin eye. a very very particular eye. love you man. please kiss badger for me.

@ironbull thank you for suffering in wisdom tooth hell with me. i am glad you had a good time at disney world and im hoping we can both be free of all of our tooth woes soon. thank you also for your advice and support in my personal stuff too!!

@kittensceilidh thank you for your sweet messages! every one of your hugs means a lot to me!!! it is nice to feel seen when i am in dark places.

@dimedog warcraft and foggy forests... hell yeah dude

@tim-official man sometimes it really is as simple as just laughing at the same funny shit, but youve reached out to me too and i appreciate it!!!

@peanotbotter thank you for all of the laughs and the kind words! thank you for caring about me, i care about you too!! i hope we can play hots again or wow together soon!!! 

wow this got long but i love a bunch of people. there are more of you that i love and are very special to me and i apologize if i didnt get to you. i hope you all had a nice holiday, if you celebrated. thank you for believing in me

[k-u-z-u]

Can we please get a 1-100 answers so we dont need to recheck what you already got asked and just see everything.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

Decalcomanie by MamamooDrama Club by Melanie MartinezNurse’s Office by Melanie MartinezShow And Tell by Melanie Martinez Detention by Melanie MartinezMake Me Wanna Die by The Pretty Reckless

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

@sangeki-x

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

Haha on page 23 there is only an illustration.

4: What do you think about most?

Things that worry me. 

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

”Slow”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

With clothes.

7: What’s your strangest talent?

I can paint my nails with my non dominant hand perfectly. (Can you tell I’m not special at all?) 

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls are amazing. Boys are awesome. 

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Omfg yes both I hate being rude, but they were so cringe.

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

Few weeks ago I gues. :’D

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

Is cleithrophobia strange? 

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

No.

13: What’s your religion?

Christian.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Working or going to school. Sometimes shopping. 

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind it.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Mamamoo

17: What was the last lie you told?

“Yes, I will go to a doctor.” 

18: Do you believe in karma?

Yes.

19: What does your URL mean?

It’s a nickname for my name with random letters.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

I’m just weak generally, I’m not strong at all lol. 

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

UGH MELANIE MARTINEZ! 

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

No lol.

23: How do you vent your anger?

I cry.

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

Hm nail polishes.

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Texting only.

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

A little bit.

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

Hate: Everything too loud

Love: Melanie Martinez’s voice hehe

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if I wasn’t this insecure and shy.

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Ghosts maybe, aliens no.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Right: wall

Left: nothing

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Nothing.

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

A place where I worked before.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

East.

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Idk I’m gay.

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

Sometimes I’m not even sure if there’s meaning of it.

36: Define Art.

K-12 The film :)

37: Do you believe in luck?

Yes.

38: What’s the weather like right now?

A bit cold.

39: What time is it?

7.35 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

I can’t drive.

41: What was the last book you read?

Eastern by Martin Kay

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

No.

43: Do you have any nicknames?

I don’t like nicknames.

44: What was the last film you saw?

Amélie

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Slitted my forehead.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

No.

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Eating and listening to music.

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

Straight.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

Oh yes.

50: Do you believe in magic?

No.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Sometimes.

52: What is your astrological sign?

Aquarius.

53: Do you save money or spend it?

Save some and spend some.

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

Bracelets.

55: Love or lust?

Love.

56: In a relationship?

-

57: How many relationships have you had?

3

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

I can’t.

59: Where were you yesterday?

At home.

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Yes, my Cheshire cat plush.

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

I wear them 24/7.

62: What’s your favourite animal?

Cat.

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Haha does anyone even like me?

64: Where is your best friend?

TOO FAR AWAY, IN AMERICA @sangeki-x

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

@sangeki-x@oteayim@anime--irl@a-laa@mavia-nna

66: What is your heritage?

Um mental breakdown.

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Listening to music.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Eh...?

69: Biggest turn ons?

Respect and loyalty. 

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

No way.

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

SAVE THE GOD DAMN DOG!

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live.

a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die?

Yes.

b) What do you do with your remaining days?

Probably would spend it with people who are important to me.

c) Would you be afraid?

I wouldn’t care much. But I guess in that situation I would think otherwise.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Trust.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Decalcomanie by Mamamoo

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

5932

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Honesty, loyalty, communication.

77: How can I win your heart?

Be nice to me and to other people. Be a good and kind person. Care about my bullshits, care about me. Accept me the way I am. Don’t lie to me. Don’t try to control me. Feed me. >.>

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Yes.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

That I started to play league. I met so many awesome people there. Even though most of them aren’t part of my life anymore, I’m still happy I had the chance to know them.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

EU 39

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

“Was an awful person, deserved to die.”

82: What is your favourite word?

“Valley”, sounds so good imo.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

That I don’t have one and I just break everybody’s heart who get close to me.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

”I’m hungry.””I’m dying.””I’m crying”“I don’t wanna go.””I want chocolate.”“I’m sorry.”“I’m annoying.”

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Meggyfa by Tamás Horváth

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

Blue and black.

87: What is your current desktop picture?

Bewitching Miss Fortune splash art.

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Me.

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

This question lmao.

90: Turn offs?

Lack of hygiene

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Teleport pls.

92: Where are your parents from?

Hungary

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Can’t I erase my whole life?

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

If it’s like a sleepover, definitely Melanie Martinez. :’D If “SLEEPING” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) then noone.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Japan

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

I don’t have.

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Never.

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yes.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say

I love you bitch you are perfect the way you are.

[thebeautifulisalwaysbizarre]

I was tagged by @vildeliens thank you Queen (of clowns and headcanoons) ❤️

Pick 5 shows, then answer the following questions, don’t cheat. Tag 10 (or however many) people.  

Oz

Skam France

The Walking Dead

Doctor Who

Torchwood

1. Who is your favourite character in 2? Well that one is easy as hell. Lucas Lallemant, without the shadow of a doubt. I just adore that boy... I really do believe that he’s the most developed character of the whole skam universe. Also, i relate to him so so much, being parisian and 17 and queer and just, globally similar. And that Acting (TM) sure helps (will i ever be over axel’s acting? I dont think so)... I am gonna stop before i write essays (you all think this is a joke but i actually write random stuff about Lucas when i get bored in class, thats how bad it is). I just really love this boy folks...

2. Who is your least favourite character in 1? Well that’s an easy one too. Vernon Schillinger, because he is a neonazi, which is enough. And he is just plain BAD (rapist, murderer, coward, blackmailer... you name it)... And it’s not even a love hate situation, i despise the guy so  much, he makes me wanna crawl off my skin whenever he is on screen. Also i think he’s quite one dimensional which is very weird for that show but yeah. He is The Bad Guy.

3. What is your favourite episode of 4? Well that’s a harder one lmao, because you know, the show has been going on since 1963, which means i have many many favourites... Imma go only with reboot, cause thats the one i know better and i have to say it’s the one i enjoy the most. I think my all time fave is the two parts one, The Empty Child and The Doctor Dances, because those are just so perfect in every aspect imo. But i also love love love the library arc from season 4 (i think lmao) because KUDOS FOR MAKING US INSENSITIVE ABOUT A CHARACTER’S DEATH ONLY FOT IT TO KILL US LATER (and overall the episodes are so so good). Also, because i’m a hoe for big dramatic moments, the episodes with the Master (end of s3 and end of s4 mainly, i dont really like Missy) and the two parts The Stolen Earth/Journey’s end (i remember being so hyped by all of them squading up). Also, it’s not an episode but it deserves its place there: the entire season 6. Because Matt Smith, Karen Gillan, Alex Kingston and Arthur Darvill are just so good. I didnt really enjoy seasons 8 to 10 (even tho i adore Peter Capaldi), but season 7 also has some that i loved (Angels in Manhattan and The Name of the Doctor killed me). And the 50th anniversary. I MEAN THIS IS COMPLICATE I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH IT HAS SO MANY GOOD EPISODES (and it’s the first show i got obsessed with so theres that)

4. What is your favourite season of 5? I think i’ll go with season 2 (?), because i love the og squad and they were all in it in s2, and i think the arcs were done really well (and the last episode, haha, me dead)... S3 and 4 i enjoyed less cause i think the teams didn’t really work without Tosh, Owen and Ianto... I couldn’t really find that magic again (and yes i’m still bitter). 

5. Who is your favourite couple in 3? It’s hard to find ALIVE people to form couples with lmao so i’ll go with one that is in kinda stand-by... it’s complicate...  Rick and Michonne cause i loved how they were best friends first and how their whole story was built... It made a lot of sense to me. Also i love the show less nowadays but i think those are still strong characters (minus Rick now lol)

6. Who is your favourite couple in 2? I had to snort. I know, it’s going to surprise you all, but it’s Manon and Charles OF COURSE. Kidding (pls. break. them. up). It’s Eliott and Lucas (how many of you all are surprised) because. Do i need to explain. Just. Everything. I can’t even put it into words. they’re just a perfect match and so in tune and so in love and i should stop now but i won’t so i’m sorry. I love how they complete each other and understand each other, and i loved how Lucas made Eliott’s dream real (polaris), and i love how they arent perfect yet they learn with each other and they make each other better . I love how cute they look and how in love and how raw. I love the way Lucas’ voice softens when he talks to eliott, and the way eliott’s eyes are so full of wonder. Also the way they fight sometimes but always come back to each other and love stronger. And their ship names literally means “chosen one”, how could I not ship? LISTEN THEY JUST FIT OKAY AND I WONT TAKE ANY CRITICISM

7. What is your favourite episode of 1? oh god i don’t remember them all at all lmao but imma try to come up with one (not 22838 like i normally do). So i’d say 4x11 (revenge is sweet)?? but honestly the show is so continuous that its hard to choose one ep... id say s4 is my favourite hands down though

8. What is your favourite episode of 5? YES THAT I CAN!! it’s from season 1, even though i love s2 better overall, Countrycide. I loved everything about that ep, and it still sends shivers down my spine when i think about it. I particularly enjoyed how it depicted the team’s relationships and how it showed that monsters can be amongst mankind (which, we been knew, but still. it was very well done for a show that fights aliens to fight humans)

9. What is your favourite season of 2? Another easy one! Season 3, as my entire blog can attest. It’s just. A masterpiece. That’s it that’s the post.

10. How long have you watched 1? I bingewatched it in like two months (cause i had to take breaks because school) in 2016. It’s a show that ended around 2000 so it’s not like i HAD to wait, and the episodes aren’t really stand alone so i had to watch them in a row.

11. How did you become interested in 3? I started watching with my dad because he is a cinephile that shows me loads of movies and tv series, then showed it to my mom. And now my dad stopped watching so i watch it with my mom exclusively even though i dont enjoy as much as i used to (still love it though). 

12. Who is your favourite actor in 4? Matt Smith (even though i adored Eccleston, and couldn’t appreciate Tennant’s AMAZINGNESS cause i was too sad to see 9 go aoimjdk). But Matt Smith is the funniest, most Doctor-ish one imo.

13. Which do you prefer, 1, 2, or 5? This is gonna sound like a betrayal to shows i’ve watched for so many years but Skam France, hands down. (i’m obsessed okay)

14. Which show have you seen more episodes of, 1 or 3? 3 because it has more eps and i’m caught up with both, so logically its 3.

15. If you could be anyone from 4, who would you be? Umh i think i’m kinda similar to Clara in some ways (?). Maybe. Like in the way we’re both hopeless romantic in search of an adventurous life. Plus, she is a lgbt+ icon and you can’t convince me otherwise so there’s that. i mean i think i globally identify with companions cause i wanna be them so bad lmao (imagine how cool it would be for my nerdy self ugh). But i look like a Sontaran so. Mayhaps i’d be one of those instead

16. Would a crossover between 3 and 4 work? umh that’d be funny as hell. The Doctor just jumping in a zombie apocalypse. Though i think they’d find a way to stop the apocalypse, so the second show would be annihilated by the first one. Mmh. Interesting still, up for it (i’m up for anything tbh)

17. Pair two characters in 1 who would make an unlikely but strangely okay couple? That’s the hardest one i had to answer GOD. I’d go with the crack ship, Ryan O’Reilly and Miguel Alvarez, tho they would both kill me and then burn my body if they ever saw this

18. Overall, which show has the better storyline, 3 or 5? Weeeelll i think The Walking Dead used to have an amazing storyline (the Governor’s arc was spectacular), but now i’d go with Torchwood cause sometimes (a lot of times), shows that don’t try to make it last for ages tie everything better. And Torchwood did tie things well enough imo (even tho i’m forever sad and bitter)

19. Which has the better theme music, 2 or 4? I don’ think Skam France has a theme music?? more like soundtracks (amazing ones)??? But i mean even if it did Doctor Who would still win cause the themes are fantastic (yes i went there)

This was so fun guys so imma tag @evnisak, @isak-valterssen, @jebentnietalleen, @demauryy, @srodvlv, @takaoparadise, @starcassstic, @thebananaslug, @sleepingthroughmyproblems, @akalousthings and anyone else i forgot, or anyone wanting to do this really

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[the-fiction-witch]

Okay...

I understand Tumblr has changed its community Guidelines and oddly enough I am going to add my two cents to it I suppose even though 90 % of tumblr does not give a dam hell what I have to say about it.

Okay lets begin

Point number one: 

I as someone had been  on tumblr a very long time almost eight years now I understand why this has happened, the world has changed alot since I has my first account on here I mean I was very young when I had my first account it was just a fan account where I blogged Lord of the rings art and gifs, and I understand why this has decision was made by the staff to try to make there app more ‘pg’ lets say, Okay I understand

Point number two:

I said I understand I did not say I agree with it, I know as quiet a big tumblr fan fic writer I’m likely not the best person for saying so but... I think people online should be allowed to see things like, Nudity and smut and all that stuff, Why? you ask? Well Because I was I know when it comes to sexy kinda stuff I was kinda the opposite of sheltered as a child my parents are swingers and have pretty much always been open about it, they have had nude art and such on the walls in there bedroom for as long as I can remember and I know there is this whole thing about how kids or young people can access things on the internet that are over 18 because you know lieing exists and there are ways to get around things, there always will be the second a rule is there two seconds later how to get around it exists and I Personally think there is nothing wrong with that.

Point two and a half: [I realized two was getting kinda ranty]

But I think kids Should be exposed to things, Not like kids from five should be shown like rule 34, but I think kids and young people are a heck of a alot smarter then any 20-40 year old realizes, Kids are all different they are all sexually awakened at different times in there life [for example I know I was a literally 11 and I have a best friend who wasn't till she was 18] people are different and I think things like Smut and Nudes are not exactly for kids no but... they are a part of life and sheltering them isnt going to help them understand I mean I got lucky I grew up in a family that had 50′s pin up on the walls and watched the rocky horror picture show in the living room I understood what sex was from a young age and how it worked between consenting adults I didn't Practice it Obviously and I didn't know the exact details [look at my older work and see if I understood how the heck sex worked] but I think people make those decisions I mean yeah random porn showing up on a timeline yeah maybe stop that that’s kinda a problem but if you search for Boobs or Porn or Smut whatever you know what your getting and if you make the decision to type those letters to spell that word then you made the decision to see what you see or read what you read, you chose to do that tumblr didn't when you typed in I don’t know Loki didn't randomly take you to porn unless you specifically told it to or unlocked it, 

Point three:

Why? as I said I understand the choice tumblr staff have made but if you search something and have safe search on then yeah don’t show nude pics or things tagged as porn or even my stuff I wouldn't expect someone who typed newt with there safe search on i imagine most of my stuff wouldn’t turn up I as a creator and even audience member here I understand that but I think it again comes back to choice if you chose to unlock the search you understand what comes with that and if you don’t then your the one that needs to be fixed not tumblr.

Point four: Likely my big point

I came to tumblr when I was fairly young, my god when tumblr was fairly young because mostly I wanted to be as informed and aware as my big sister my older sister showed me tumblr so I could see cool gifs of doctor who and lord of the rings and find people just like me who also loved to watch and read. when I first came here I was still a young girl and I didn't know how big the 18+ side of tumblr was I didn't care all I cared about was the amazing people and when I first began to dream about being a writer, everyone I knew even my family laughed at me said because of my disability I could never be a author, But I changed my URL and posted one of the first things I ever wrote on to tumblr with no fear of being judged or being laughed at and now when I go back and read it I know it’s awful I was terrible back then but... people where kind to me. said how I could improve and where with me every step of my way, that account is still there now I have just moved a little bit to here where I have been now for several years and I love it.

It’s amazing to me now as a almost 20 year old woman to sit on my computer, have my own physical novels sat on a shelf next to me, without tumblr I would not have became a real writer and would not now be able to live off doing it an live comfortably even, When I came here with my first ever work A girl we can’t understand I was awful but I had big dreams the people here have made me into who I am now and have made me be able to do such amazing things with my life, I never came here to be a problem to tumblr or even to be popular I make no money from tumblr but I still post almost everyday or as much as I can...why?

Because I love it here, 

I love being able to make people happy to be able to create worlds for people to lose themselves in even if its just for a little while.

I love every single one of the people who read my work even if you don’t like or dont follow or anything like that anyone who reads what I post I thank you for taking the time to read it, as I said I do this purely for the love of doing it.

But... Tumblr has changed.

maybe I am a dinosaur here now I guess but Tumblr I have a little message for you...

Dear Tumblr, To all your staff, your users and your creator.

I know in your grant scheme I am a small foot note. I understand the choices you have made to the site and I respect your decision as it is yours to make. However I don’t see how blocking and reporting people like myself and other users like me who just want to make people happy or feel better after a bad day is the best way to be, I have been here for a long time and I have seen some awful things on this site, but nudity or smut or anything has never been one of them. I have seen things like racism, homophobia, trans phobia, extremism and as a user I have tried my best to report and help your algeritherum to grow to make this site better. But Tumblr your views have changed and you have every right to change them, I have grown up with you tumblr and I am... concerned about what you are becoming. it is your choice to make this site into something different then what it was, But I beg of you

When I came here I was an outcast. Not pretty enough for Instagram and snap chat, not funny enough for twitter, not frenziedly enough for Facebook, I and I know so many others who came here because we are outcasts who fit nowhere else in this internet world. I have so many friends many of which I have even met in real life now because of you tumblr, but with people left and right upset about this and threatening to leave because you deiced to change

Please tell me... where are we meant to go? we are the outcasts here always have been tumblr kids the ones who are different but if we lose this place we call home we will have nowhere to go, and I would hate to see people like I was have nowhere to go people who where like me when I got here, Alone.

So... Dearest tumblr, You have meant the world to me, I have gathered friends with you, made a life though you, I have even had my life saved by the people here to many times to count, 

My boyfriend and I where here on my old account we had to separate for a bit but run this together like we used to and its a massive part of our lives even our relationship

But I am clearly not what you want anymore. so I say here and now I will try to continue my work here but if my posts continue to be reported and blocked then I will go.

If you still want my work I will keep it here but I will always update and write on my

Wattpad:

https://www.wattpad.com/user/FictionalReality010

and I will also re open my tapas:

https://tapas.io/FictionalLiving

and If you are a friend of mine I am shearing my Instagram here becuase I don’t wan’t to lose any of you

Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/amberjane010/?hl=en

Good Bye

I love all of you so much and I am so so sorry.

X Amber & Thomas

[ahmuteun]

All :)

welp, my computer decided to crap out on me while i was working on this last night so i get to restart it o yay :-)

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

according to my itunes library, four of the songs are songs my friend wrote and the other two are hyorin and kisum’s fruity and john mayer’s new light and i fucking love that song

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

idk someone who can pay off my debt and tuition lmao

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

i’m too lazy to get up im sorry lol

4: What do you think about most?

it depends, currently its probably me ripping off the band aid and what the fall out for that is gonna be like 

also boys are stupid

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“oh right LOL ya i got it hehe”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

with, but i never sleep with pants on

7: What’s your strangest talent?

uummmm i can stand on my toes, does that count?

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

girls, yes lol

boys, are fucking dumb 

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

not to my knowledge 

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

idk i dont do it a lot if ever

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

no not really i think

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

when i was a kid i did lmao

13: What’s your religion?

christianity 

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

walking to/ from campus or downtown

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

it depends on the situation and how i look lol

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

idk probably shinee cause theyve been my favorite for a while but im not sure anymore

17: What was the last lie you told?

“my bus was late” lol

18: Do you believe in karma?

to some extent i do 

19: What does your URL mean?

it’s dumb and i need to change it but idk what i would change it to

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

im trying to think of these through jen’s perspective because she’s one of the people who knows me best 

weakness: caring/ doing things for others even if it’s at my own expense. but i have so many weaknesses it’s so hard to just choose one

strength: probably that i care about people lmao it’s a double edged sword

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

idk i dont really have one

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

yeah, regrettably 

23: How do you vent your anger?

by ranting with my mates and possibly getting drunk LOL

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

nah

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

it depends on who i’m talking to but if it’s someone im comfortable with/ i look decent i’ll video chat but i dont really mind either 

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

umm i mean for the most part i guess im okay

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

hate: metal scraping against metal

love: the sound of my mates’ laughter

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

currently it’s “what if ripping off the band aid goes horribly wrong??” aaaaahhhhhhh fuck

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

nothing for both

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

nothing 

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

the under 21 club we went to during senior week comes to mind

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

i love both but i’ll say east because i’ve been more shaped by the east

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

idk man, gd?? 

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

i dont fuckin know man 

36: Define Art.

idk look it up on google

37: Do you believe in luck?

eeehhhh to some extent i guess so 

38: What’s the weather like right now?

hot, humid, and rainy

39: What time is it?

3:11pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

yes and i’ve only ever been in fender benders so nah

41: What was the last book you read?

the simpsons and their mathematical secrets lol

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

no gross

43: Do you have any nicknames?

way too many lmao

44: What was the last film you saw?

that isnt a tv show? the scooby doo movie lmao 

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

spraining my foot or cracking my head open lol

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

maybe when i was younger

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

BROOKLYN 99 I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHOW

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

bi wooo

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

probably

50: Do you believe in magic?

no

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

uuhhh no not really 

52: What is your astrological sign?

gemini

53: Do you save money or spend it?

i want to save it but ive been spending way too much lately, help

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

ummmm pho i think? wait no it was boba

55: Love or lust?

lust lol 

56: In a relationship?

naahhh

57: How many relationships have you had?

eehhh none

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

nope

59: Where were you yesterday?

work and my apartment lol

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

yep 

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

yep

62: What’s your favourite animal?

my doggie

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

i dont have one lmao

64: Where is your best friend?

one is back home in maryland and the other is visiting family in california

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

idk i dont have any

66: What is your heritage?

korean

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

trying to fall asleep and failing

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

i dont think he has one

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

everyone has

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

idk i hate myself too much to not say no lmao

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

if my boss doesnt understand that i was saving a dogs life then i dont want to work for them

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) i tell the people i love and care about and let everyone else find out by word of mouth 

b) i dunno, spend time with the people i love and care about and give them lots of good memories to remember me by

c) yes but who wouldnt be?

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

trust because i dont believe that you can have love, platonic or not, without trust 

or maybe thats just my trust issues talking idk lmao

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

idk but if im in a shit mood no song can change that 

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

no thanks

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

idk im the worst person to ask 

77: How can I win your heart?

my heart is unattainable because it doesnt exist lol

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

i mean sure i guess?? 

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

probably choosing my uni because i’ve made such amazing friends and met people who have impacted who i am as a person way more than i could ever imagine and im just so happy right now 

80: What size shoes do you wear?

6.5 heels but 7 for everything else

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

idk man 

82: What is your favourite word?

i dont have one 

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

my friend’s tattoos of hearts on her arm, they look so cool and i love them

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

“let me live” “i hate you” “mate” idk theres a lot

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

truth is by jay park

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

blue, yellow, and green

87: What is your current desktop picture?

it’s so cute i love it 

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

no one cause im not that mean 

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

who i’ve been with and crap like that 

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

it would probably scare me and i would leave 

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

super speed probably, you could do so much plus i would never be late to anything again AND i would be doing cardio, win win

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

i dont think i would ever want to do that so i’ll pass

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

i wouldnt because every experience has helped shaped me into who i am today 

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

oh man i would have to think about this cause i dont have a person off the top of my head that comes to mind 

bm from kard maybe?? idfk 

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

korea or japan 

or maybe australia

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

not to my knowledge 

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

yep :-) whoops

i mean it was in a trashcan and i was trashed so

98: Ever been on a plane?

yep

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

pls venmo me cause im broke :D

thanks for asking!

[purpleskiesandpaperflowers]

Heres part of a page from my sketchbook , my drawing is a bit smudged and Joe's hair and tattoo could use a hell of a lot of work (as could my drawing skills in general lol) but theres something very important about this page of my sketchbook.

Heres some backstory:

I had my 3 monthly psychiatrist review last month. All I'm diagnosed with is OCD , Anxiety and depression as well as a tic disorder - Tourette syndrome which does effect my mental health more than someone would normally think. I was referred to this psychiatrist by the Child mental health service in my area upon turning 18 (I'm 20 now) I originally was referred to mental health services for self harming, panic attacks and my tic disorder which at the time was undiagnosed and my gp had no idea what to do about it , thought it was probably anxiety (that's a common theme every time I go to the doctors LOL)

I've been seeing some form of psychiatrist since I was about 12 in all that time I've only briefly mentioned my constant desire to daydream on a couple of occasions , and back when I did I refused to talk in detail mainly because I was ashamed and partly because I have great difficulty explaining things to people . Even my art therapist didnt manage to get a doodle of my daydreams out of me , although at the time I was just a kid , what did it matter , I'd grow out of it.

Or not. I've been conflicted about coming out about my MaDD as even though I know my relationship with daydreaming isn't the world's healthiest one, I have very little desire to stop daydreaming , my life feels so empty without it. After all , my paras have been my best freinds for so long. My inner world an amazing paradise, an escape from life built just for me.

However this appointment was different. I always take my mum to my appointments as a sort of advocate as I really struggle with the talking bit. I've gotten much better recently but still tend to keep quiet about things as I get too choked up to talk properly.

To this appointment I bought my sketchbook as I knew I wanted to talk about my constant urges to daydream , I didnt know how but I thought this crappy sketch of Joe , one of my first paras.

In the waiting room I showed my mum my sketchbook as shes one of the only people I can even think about starting to tell her these things. I still keep a lot of it a secret .

Once in the actual appointment I wasnt sure I was ready to say anything , once again it was a new psychiatrist, although probably one of the nicest I've met, I really hope he stays this time. He asked how I was doing and I didnt really say a lot , I think I spoke a bit about my mood and stuff , and a little about history and stuff. Mum eventually pushed me to show him my sketchbook. I was reluctant and very embarrassed for some reason , but I knew I couldn't turn back . I showed him this sketch of Joe , I mean theres not much in the sketchbook apart from an old character profile of Vlad , that could really use some tweaking and a self portrait and some other drawing exercises and some very messy alchohol and water based marker swatches.

I felt ridiculously embarrassed afterwards because Joe's profile underneath is pretty cringey. Although maybe it's not, maybe that's just what this horrible cringe culture we have on the modern internet has taught me. At the end of the day yes this dude is an androgynous disabled witch , an oc that a 14 year old with a slight interest in character diversity could make , But hes also got a very important role in my life.

Anyway , it felt so freeing to finally tell someone . Daydreaming makes up such a big portion of my life it's been lonely to not be able to share it with anyone. What I really want is someone who I can be comfortable enough to share this all with , every little bit , and for them not to judge me like I judge myself. I dont know if it's possible. But I guess starting this blog was my first step to being more open about the universe behind my eyes.

Since then I had a bit of a moment when I think I realised part of the reason for all this.

Besides the psychiatrist saying that this can be an uncommon manifestation of Obsessive compulsive disorder ( the compulsive desire to daydream , and daydreams that become almost intrusive to every day life) , I realised during my mum having her almost weekly " IM DONE WITH YOU, GET OUT " rant to my dad after he once again acted like an ungrateful peice of shit. That I feel as if theyve been fighting since I can remember . Yeah yeah I know mum , you're not arguing you're just talking, whatever you say .

I dont want to blame my parents for my life issues because that would make me an exact carbon copy of my dad. I mean I've had everything. I dont want to be ungrateful. But I guess the constant nagging at each other doesn't help things. I mean this stuff is probably more common than I think. I need to remember that you dont have to have been through the worlds worst trauma to have some mental health quirks. I guess I just compare myself a lot to other people who've had it worse than me.

Alas , comparing myself to others helps no one , and I'm sorry for being negative. I guess I just have to do what my dad will not do. Put the past behind him. And not dwell on it too much . It is what it is at the end of the day.

Overall , positive steps have been made, even if I still am struggling a little with anxiety at the moment , I'm still managing things . Mainly because of the daydreaming I must admit . It really does help me cope. Even if I am a little lost in it all sometimes.

[a-jun-nice]

Rules: Answer 30 questions then tag blogs that you would like to get to know!

Omggggg had to edit this because I forgot to thank @scoup-d-etat for tagging us on this fun post!!

Time Right Now: 11:30 AM, but it’s 5 o’clock somewhere

Nicknames: 

Katrina: I go by Kai by the fam, but like…my steam account is KitKat bc who doesn’t like crunchy chocolate. 

Judith: Just Judy (Moody)

Gender: We’re both females

Star Sign: Capricorn, which btw horoscopes freak me bc they’re like on point half the time no joke

Height: 

Katrina: I’m 5′1″ or 155 cm or 61 inches? I think? Is my math right?

Judith: I’m 4′11″ or like 149 cm or 59 inches

Birthday: Both born on the 30th of December 1996 at 7:03 and 7:04 in the morning in Manila Philippines on a Monday morning. too detailed?

Favorite Solo Artists: give me that Logicccc, and Taylor Swift bc thats a reliable answer

Favorite Bands/groups:  for Kpop: SEVEEEENTEEEEEEN YUUUPPP, gfriend😍, “This is SHINee 5 and we’re right by your side”, BTS is pretty swaggy too, Astro is really growing on me and so is Nu’est.  for Western: Fall Out Boy, P!ATD

Song Stuck In My Head: As If Its Your Last- Blackpink, we’ve been listening to this ALL MORNING so call me pretty and nasty

Last Show Watched: Strong Woman Do Bong SOOOOOOOOOON (hmu with kdrama suggestions or if ya need kdrama suggestions im up to my neck with that stuffff)

When Did I Create My Blog: a-jun-nice is the first that Judith and I ever did a blog together and this baby is still in its neonatal stages of 3 months. (oh my god it can’t even walk on its own yet)

What Do I Post: SEVENTEEEEEN TRASHHHH

Last Thing I Googled: 

Katrina: Gucci slides (I wanna be Mingyu and The8 ya know bc I want to strive to be as bouji as them)

Judith: Blackpink Elle shoot bc Jennie is bae status

Do You Have Other Blogs: 

Katrina: @loudandneverclear but for the record, its like on hiatus and I was planning on fixing it since I was in my teen angst era and then seventeen smacked me in the face so that never ended up happening. 

Judith: @judithdayaw (its privated sryyy)

Do You Get Asks: Sometimes, like people are willing to trust us by not going on anon so we just reply privately. Or we become A-class stalkers about seventeen and people want to know the big news. 

Why Did You Choose Your URL:  bc Judith’s fav title track song is Aju Nice (bc of DK’s butt) and I mean, Jun can throw up on me and i’d be thankful

Following: 312 (give us suggestionsssssssssssssss we’re searching far and wide)

Followers: mid 200s (I’m so lame im so sorry, this was just created but im thankful people are following us so like number doesn’t matter to us)

Favorite Colors: are ya really a carat if you dont like Rose Quartz and Serenity? but aside from those colors, Tiffany Blue and seafoam green make up the colors of our bedrooms 

Lucky Number: 

Katrina: Chinese Lucky Number 8 

Judith: 3 or 13

Habits:

Judith: bites my nails A LOT. 

Katrina: I am always late for EVERYTHING

Instruments:

Katrina: clarinet, uke, a lil bit of piano though I suck

Judith: clarinet lolol

What Am I Wearing: 

Katrina: Maroon v-neck and pinstripe high-waisted shorts and black slip-on vans????

Judith: my college hockey national champs t-shirt (LOL) and under armour leggings and Katrina’s white converse (thx for letting me borrow)

How Many Blankets I Sleep With: Katrina sleeps with solid 2 blankets (1 comforter and 1 top sheet) but Judith likes 1 big thick comforter 

Dream Job: we’re both studying to be doctors rn and it’s a little late to change bc debt got us locked in lol. but if that doesn’t work out I would love to do something clinical. or HONESTLY–be panda caretakers. 

Dream Trip: Japan Japan Japan Japan 

Favorite Food: Katsudon, Karaage, or filipino food like Kare Kare. 

Nationality: 100% filipino (cue black eyed peas song)

Favorite Song Right Now: Chillin’ by M.O.L.A tho or Get that Treasure by SHINee

Other social medias: 

Katrina: Instagram, Twitter

Judith: Instagram, Twitter

Im tagging (our mututals :DDDDD): @yxxn-boo , @woozisbutt  , @svt-woo , @caroldamnverrs ,  @tswoondere , @wonwoo-senpai , @wonumelon , @beautifulshuas , @squishywooji , and to anyone else that follows us that would like to get into this fun tag! 

Please tag us in your post so we can see what your answers are!

[yenneferw]

For the character thing: Oswald (Gotham), Max, Anne, Jack, Thomas, John, James, and Billy (Black Sails), and the Doctor :D (il your blog)

tAww thank you! :-D And thank you for all the characters! Sorry for answering this so late lol

Also I didn’t even realize I wasn’t doing it in order I just saw James’s name and I fuckin went for it lol oops

Aaaalso sorry it’s so long I have a lot of feelings

Oswald Cobblepot:

Why I like them: Oswald’s such a cute little fuck and he’s very devious and the underdog so I latched onto him early on and he’s one of the only things left about Gotham that doesn’t make me sad after all the queerbaiting 

Why I don’t: I really didn’t care for when they always had his teeth dirty that was,,,,,,,,,,, too much. Also some of his hairstyles have been a bit more questionable than others. Also the fact that he was made canonically gay just to queerbait like yay a gay guy but,,,,,,, meh 

Favorite episode (scene if movie): It’s been a bit since I watched it but the episode where he was pining over Ed and trying to tell him he loved him was a good one for him he looked cute and I liked his plight 

Favorite season/movie: I really liked his rise to power in season 1 and if I remember correctly he finally ended up somewhere in the end after all the shit with the gangs so that was really cool 

Favorite line: I can’t think of one right now but I’ll make up for it with my favorite Look ™ which is how he’s always able to look like he’s kind of on the verge of tears

Favorite outfit: Idk anytime he’s wearing a suit is good

OTP: Os and Ed obvs 

Brotp: Mmmmmm idk him and Ivy seem cool as friends even tho I haven’t watched in a while

Head Canon: don’t ask me headcanons,,,,,, i’m so bad at headcanons a lot of the time

Unpopular opinion: I don’t know the fandom well enough lol i’m bad at his

A wish: Nygmobblepot,,,,,, alas,,,,, which isn’t to say it’s bad to hold out hope but i’m so cynical and bitter :-/

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: Death, heterosexuality

5 words to best describe them: clever, manipulative, ambitious, cowardly (but shh it’s okay he’s not always cowardly), vengeful 

My nickname for them: Os I love when ppl call him Os lol

James Flint:

Why I like them: do you want me to write a book,,,,, I love him so goddamn much it hurts…….. He’s just so smart and he deserves so many hugs, he’s a gay icon, he tries so hard to do right even tho he’s a fuckin murderous pirate, he’s a murderous pirate that likes his books and his tea and gardening with his best friend, his eyes are the prettiest things on god’s green earth….. love him 

Why I don’t: not applicable I refuse to insult my boy lmao

Favorite episode (scene if movie): Probably the one where Miranda died or the one right after bc Toby Stephens is such a good actor and also he fuckin burned the town down for hurting his best friend and??? goals. Or the last couple of episodes bc that shit iwth John………… and then the reuniting with Thomas………… wow

Favorite season/movie: I really liked his rise back to the top from season 2 bc it makes me sad to see him failing and he starts going on a mad and grieving downward spiral after season 2

Favorite line: “This ends when I grant them my forgiveness, not the other way around” I’m sure there are more bc his speeches are all beautiful (like the “there be dragons one”……. kill me) 

Favorite outfit: Everything he wears is perfect 

OTP: flinthamilton is literally the only thing that waters my crops anymore, although silverflint gives them a nice solid rain every once in a while and is hella valid too

Brotp: James and Miranda is so beautiful that I regularly cry about them but I also liked when James and Madi were teaming up

Head Canon: He and Thomas break out of the plantation and become feared pirates again, also he was dating John and Gates lmao

Unpopular opinion: He’s gay and not bi like not for bi erasure or anything but like he just gives me such a gay feel you know what I mean. And also I don’t think what he had with Miranda was really anything 

A wish: for him and Thomas to be happy 

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: for him and thomas to be sad lmao

5 words to best describe them: Intelligent, vengeful, loving, sad, amazing,,,,

My nickname for them: idk I don’t have nicknames I guess I always call him James and not Flint and it seems like a lot of people just call him Flint lol (also “lvoe of my life” does that count)

Max:

Why I like them: oh my god. oh dear i love her. When will your fave. She’s so brave and smart and loving??? like I called James loving but Max is on another level. She’s so protective of the people and the things she cares abotu and loves, and she’s so fucking smart. And she’s so brave to pursue everything she wants to pursue, like she’s a wlw of color in the 1700s and yet she still rules Nassau without giving any fucks about conventions and shit

Why I don’t: oh man is there a reason. I don’t like that she went to Woodes Rogers’s side for a while and betrayed Anne and Jack but I understand why she did so I’m not angry with her for it

Favorite episode (scene if movie): whenever she walks on screen,,,, but idk I can’t think of anything specifically but I liked it when she took over Nassau from Eleanor 

Favorite season/movie: I liked her arc in season 4 even if I really didn’t like all the decisions she made, and I really liked how she ended up in the end so probably season 4

Favorite line: she’s so smart and wise so like everything she says but also I really like her speech to Anne “I am so sorry for working so hard to protect the wrong things, for failing to see that there is nothing important that does not include you” 

Favorite outfit: that yellow dress oh my god! does anyone else remember that yellow dress! it was so pretty she looked so pretty! She has really good style in general but I love that yellow dress 

OTP: Maxanne

Brotp: Her friendship with Idelle is nice and also I like her friendship with Jack

Head Canon: again I’m so bad at headcanons

Unpopular opinion: I don’t think I do

A wish: For her to rule Nassau and continue dating the love of her life Anne Bonny and support her piracy and have her position in Nassau fully supported by everyone alive 

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: death? sadness? she deserves literally the best all the time

5 words to best describe them: compassionate, perceptive, brave, honest, wonderfulbeautifulgorgeous i love her

My nickname for them:I don’t have one for her

Anne Bonny:

Why I like them: She’s amazing honestly I love her sailor’s mouth and I love her bravery and her principles and how logical she is. And I love how kickass she is and how she’ll do anything for the people she loves and I love when she stops being guarded around people and her face Softens, I’m gay for how she looks out from under the brim of her hat 

Why I don’t: I honestly can’t think of a reason……. ok I guess I don’t like that she got violent with Max in the beginning when she was having her gay crisis and like killed Idelle’s friend…….. but honestly reblog if you get murderously violent while having a gay crisis

Favorite episode (scene if movie): I can’t think of something specifically but like when she was with Max and they were just soft and dating that is my reason for waking up in the morning, AND when she saved the ship with the glass and all god wow i died

Favorite season/movie: Mmmm season 2 was prime maxanne season wasn’t it…….. good shit

Favorite line: I can’t think of any rn but wow every time she opens her mouth it’s a gift

Favorite outfit: idk generally her pirate outfit? and her hat is amazing

OTP: Maxanneeeee

Brotp: her friendship with Jack is something I would die for they make me so happy

Head Canon: I don’t know that I have any idk maybe that she and Max are still dating after the show ends?

Unpopular opinion: I don’t know that I have one about Anne

A wish: That she’s happy with Max and potentially Mark/Mary too if she wants to be

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: Being unhappy,,, not being with Max or Jack,,

5 words to best describe them: strong, logical, angry, devoted, the world “fuck” 

My nickname for them: I don’t have one for her

Jack Rackham:

Why I like them: he’s so funny and I really like his goals and his arc like he starts out as this guy who just wants his name remembered and that’s still him in the end and I like that that goal doesn’t change, but he finally gets to be the single pirate captain in Nassau which is really cool for him, and he’s also super smart I love him

Why I don’t: I didn’t like his first reactions to Anne and Max, he was kind of a dick about it, but I’m glad that he eventually accepted them and got closer to Max and all

Favorite episode (scene if movie): I liked his scenes with Blackbeard and I also like his earlier scenes where he’s more comic relief-y and I really like when he gets to be a Pirate Captain Dude, that’s not an episode but I just like these particular moments with him. I really liked when that one girl at the Guthries’ was like “Do you know Captain Jack Rackham????” and he was like…………………….. i’ve made it guys

Favorite season/movie: Mmmmm honestly Jack is really consistently awesome throughout like so is everyone else but he’s really well-characterized and grows a lot throughout and I can’t really pick which season of him I like the best

Favorite line: there are so many “if you’re all going to act like children, then I will be your daddy” it’s not my favorite but it plagues me every waking moment of my life and I can’t ever escape it, to rogers: “you and I were neck and neck in this race til the end. But, jesus, did I make up a lot of ground to catch you,” and I really like his speech to Teach about Vane but I can’t find it for the life of me

Favorite outfit: man all of them, Jack Rackham is the most extra well-dressed man in Nassau

OTP: Jack and happiness…….. 

Brotp: if anyone answers this with anything other than Jack and Anne then I’m not sure they watched the same show like to each their own but I can’t imagine a life where their friendship isn’t my fuel

Head Canon: he had a major crush on Charles Vane. I don’t always love Charles Vane so I think he could’ve done better but he definitely had a crush on him

Unpopular opinion: again I don’t think I have one I”m not good at this

A wish: for him to be the most feared pirate around just like he wants to be i’m so proud of him

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: for him to be hanged or something especially if it was in front of anne or for him to have to watch anne die

5 words to best describe them: cunning, ambitious, sarcastic, idealist, stubborn

My nickname for them: i don’t have one but like….. another love of my life….. actually everyone that anon asked me about is one of the lvoes of my life anon must know me well

Thomas Hamilton:

Why I like them: oh my heck he’s beautiful. He has such a good heart and such a good vision of the world. He wants things to be so good and the world doesn’t deserve him at all. He’s so caring and loving and gentle and understanding and he just wants to see a world where people aren’t afraid of him and his sexuality and people aren’t afraid of pirates because he understands that a lot of them are just people who society has really hurt like James turned out to be, he’s such a good leader and if England didn’t suck he could’ve done so much

Why I don’t: the wig that’s all that wig killed me like I don’t even like regular wigs but that big ass brown wig haunts me

Favorite episode (scene if movie): the flashback scenes even tho it’s very short they kill me. His smile as he looks at James. I too would go to war with society over that smile 

Favorite season/movie: lol i mean he’s really only in season 2 unfortunately for us all. That little bit in season 4 is revolutionary but season 2

Favorite line: I feel like I’m not gay enough if I don’t say “Know no shame” bc god can you get a better gay line than that I’m in love

Favorite outfit: anything but the fucking brown wig I’m sickened by that wig

OTP: flinthamilton is unbury your gays, straightbait, and overall beautiful so like………. gay icons

Brotp: his and Miranda’s relationship was not as characterized as James and Miranda obviously so I’m not as undyingly in love with them but they were super good and I’m sure they were just as good as James and Miranda but for obvious reasons that wasn’t onscreen as much

Head Canon: he becomes a pirate dude with James after escaping the plantation no one can convicne me otherwise

Unpopular opinion: I don’t think so 

A wish: for him to just live in peace and for him in another universe to actually get everything he wants out of life

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: what if he had actually died. my heart hurts. why did i type those disgusting words

5 words to best describe them: visionary, optimistic, sympathetic, intelligent, twink extraordinaire. that’s six words you say? how can you counter twink extraordinaire 

My nickname for them: my boy james’s SOULMATE

John Silver:

Why I like them: He’s so…………. like I like his self preservation and I fucking LOVE his characterization and his journey from selfish coward to selfless leader, he might be the best characterized character in this show like the show is really really good at characterization but John Silver obviously had a long way to go to become Long John Silver and He Did That. He’s also so sweet and soft sometimes and I love his curly hair

Why I don’t: I just………. my heart is always with James so when he sort of went the opposite ways I couldn’t help but be on James’s side….. like I still love him and understand his view……. but i’m sad

Favorite episode (scene if movie): I really like the episode where he starts talking shit at dinner to the entire crew and outing that guy for fucking a goat and I also really like the episode where he loses his leg and I really liek the last couple of episodes. I just like a lot of him ok he’s great

Favorite season/movie: I like the beginning of his Long John Silver story when he redeems himself to the crew in season 2 but I also like his coming into Long John Silver in season 4

Favorite line: oh my god he says a lot of good things but I don’t know who I would be if I didn’t say “I will stand here with you, for an hour, a day, a year while you find a way to accept this outcome so we might leave here together” and then the parallel speech to Madi…….. I’m alive and living and this is going to kill me

Favorite outfit: anything but his beginning blue jacket that jacket is the worst lol

OTP: silverflint or him and Madi

Brotp: before Billy…… was cancelled, him and Billy were good buds and I liked it

Head Canon: that he dated that one guy who drowned with the goat Muldoon or something 

Unpopular opinion: do people like his blue jacket? I hate it

A wish: that he can at least be happy with Madi at the end and their relationship is eventually fixed which I think the thing on the cliff alludes to

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: death…… sadness…….

5 words to best describe them: manipulative, secretive, loving, enduring, perceptive as fuck

My nickname for them: none but what if everybody called him Johnny

Billy Bones:

Why I like them: ok have you seen him. he’s so handsome CHRIST. But also he’s always like the voice of reason which is really nice up until season 4. I think I latched onto him bc I already really liked Tom Hopper because of Merlin but he’s also pretty strong in the face of torture and everything he stands for being turned against on his ship, even if it’s not always what I stand for

Why I don’t: season 4? I don’t know her. Also he doesn’t like James and I. would die for James

Favorite episode (scene if movie): I liked it when he was quartermaster for a bit he was a p good quartermaster in season 1 and I also liked the episodes where he “made” Long John Silver and Captain Flint

Favorite season/movie: Idk probably season 1 bc that is when things are still gentle…… innocent…….. good…..

Favorite line: the fuck tent line is iconic. “perhaps we can all agree to forgo, you know, just this once, a fuck tent” when will your fave

Favorite outfit: shirtless 

OTP: idk he definitely dated Ben Gunn js

Brotp: him and Gates

Head Canon: he is asexual as fuck have you ever met him? asexual biromantic. sorry i make the rules and I stick by them 

Unpopular opinion: this isn’t an unpopular opinion i’m sure but billy after s3 can choke. before s3 he’s fine. after…… don’t talk to me about that 

A wish:for him to come to his fucking senses and stop being a horrible idiot

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: for him to stay a fuck lik ehe was at the end fo s4

5 words to best describe them: headstrong, loyal, sentimental, ideological, determined

My nickname for them: i dont’ have one but can you imagine if ppl called him bilbo 

The Doctor:

Why I like them: I mean this really depends on which Doctor you know? this one’s probably going to be long bc I’m gonna do a bit about all the new whos. So 9 I like because he’s very brave and determined in the face of everything he just lost and because he has such a good heart when he easily could have been so cold. And when he is faced with how he has hardened some, he always works on getting better and being a better person. also idfk but like christopher eccleston is all of our uncles who brings us the cool like $20 iTunes cards. 10 I like because he’s so loving that it kind of ruins him. Like that kind of is the way of the Doctor but he just keeps on loving and loving and loving until he’s traveling alone desperately looking for some fun and some companionship so he doesn’t have to feel the hurt of Rose and Donna and doesn’t have to feel how badly he misses Martha. He’s like. He’s like the guy that goes and gives you a giant bag full of shit that would suck if you just got it alone but in bulk like deodorant and tissues and socks and shit. 11 I like because he’s very fierce and fiercely protective but also silly and fun like I like how he can be bouncy and stuff and then the next moment he’s been quiet and scary or loud and scary or gentle and wise. 11 forgot to get everyone anything but he’s the main source of laughter so everybody pretends they’re not disappointed bc his gifts are usually cool. 12 I like because. Eyebrows. But also because he’s a lot different than other Doctors like hte Doctor tends to do morally ambiguous things sometimes but it feels like 12 is so much more morally ambiguous than others. He’s angry about everything that’s been done to him and he feels grief from things he hasn’t thought about in a while and it’s an interesting and different twist on him. 12 intentionally got everyone nothing and ate all the vegetables and left. why am i relating them to christmas? i’m materialistic 

Why I don’t: I don’t feel like going that in depth again but I’ll just say I don’t like how Moffat’s Doctors become what the story is about. The story I feel like is supposed to be about not only the Doctor, but the story and the companions, but Moffat’s Doctors are so much the centerpoint of the story that it loses some of the really really cool things from RTD’s era and some of the spirit of the Doctor. moffat is why my farm animals have all run away 

Favorite episode (scene if movie): this is really hard lmao. I’m gonna pick an episode a Doctor. 9- The Empty Child and The Doctor Dances. I like “Everybody lives!” that’s the best. 10- Midnight. That acting tho and really seeing 10 scared and helpless is something different and really cool. Also The End of Time bc it’s literally the best episode of anything in existence. 11- Idk I can’t really decide. Maybe “The Big Bang.” I love 11 but for the life of me I can’t ermember a fave ep. 12- I’ve onyl seen s8 and part of s9 but I like that one episode where the Doctor thinks he’s dying with Missy I can’t remember what it’s called

Favorite season/movie: 9 lol he only has one. 10- 2 or 3 I really can’t decide. 11- 5. 12- I’ve only seen 8 fully lol

Favorite line: that requires…… so much thought and so much work. They say a lot of cool things. The Doctor is all about speeches and one-liners lol

Favorite outfit: 11 has the best outfit ngl but 10′s is a close second

OTP: Rose and 10 obvs who doesn’t love them, I mean River and the Doctor have always been good, idk my otps for Doctor Who usually involve companions and their partners

Brotp: all the companions every single one of them I’m alive. have you ever met amy pond. have you ever met martha jones or donna noble. have you ever MET jack harkness 

Head Canon: I have……….. a lot I feel like i couldn’t type all of them up first of all the doctor is gay so jot that down

Unpopular opinion: mmmmmm I’m sure i have some but I can’tt think of them 

A wish: FOR THE DOCTOR TO BE ANYTHING BUT A STRAIGHT WHITE MAN

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: for 13 to be a straight white man or for Chibnall to be as bad as Moffat :-/

5 words to best describe them: genius, kind, hopeful, loving, vengeful

My nickname for them: I don’t know that I have any but I might that I’m not remembering

[angelparentncl-blog]

First blog post

I dont know if anyone will ever read this, im unsure if I actually want people too. This is just somewhere I thought I would jot down my idea’s and thoughts as an Angel Parent.

Before I go any further, maybe it’s best to define what I mean when I say Angel Parent. In basic terms it means my child died. Her name was Lexi Jayne and she was as real as could be, I held her in my arms and kissed her little head and fell in love with her as soon as I saw her. I didn’t used to believe in love at first sight, but since it happened to me twice (the only other time was with my wife) I guess I have no choice.

I guess maybe I should also give a bit of back story. That’s where most things start isn’t it? The beginning.

So, I was fortunate enough to meet my wife at work, I still remember when she came for her interview, she was stunning (and you still are babes if you read this). I never thought I would have a shot. You have heard the term “punching above your weight” or “well out of your league”, this was the ultimate definition of this. But after becoming friends a little romance blossomed and the next thing you knew we were together (yay go me). What followed were a lot of ups and like any relationship a couple of downs. We got married on August 5th of 2012 and our next thought was “let’s start a family”. We tried and tried for a good 4 years. We were told that in theory nothing was wrong with us so everything was to do with weight. We tried diets and our weight went up and down over the next however many years. We were still unsuccessful. We eventually blamed stress from our workplaces at the time and decided to hold off until we were in a better mental state to attempt to conceive.

This was around February 2016. We had lots to look forward too in the year ahead. We had a trip to New York planned, We were discussing a family cruise on the Disney Magic, so much was going on. We decided to be one of those couples who would just holiday for a while and come back to the baby thing later. We after all had plenty of time. Nature is a funny thing though isn’t it? It was June 2016 around the 28th to be exact. Now this may be a bit too much information here so apologies in advance. But Rachael had been having funny periods for the past 2 month, something was off and she was, understandably, concerned. We scheduled a Doctors appointment for the 30th of June to see what the hell was going on. On the 29th of June Rachael decided to do a pregnancy test JUST IN CASE. There it was, the line we had always wanted to see, it was POSITIVE. More tests were taken just to be certain and every one positive, positive, positive. We were overjoyed. We were finally extending our family.

Our next step was telling our parents. At this time my in laws were currently on a cruise, so they were unreachable. But my parents were around. I know you’re meant to wait until 12 weeks to tell people but we had waited for so long we thought, fuck tradition, lets tell people now. We bought some pacifiers and put them into a gift bag and presented them to my mum. She was, at first, confused. Until it all clicked. I don’t think I have ever seen her so happy. I then told my auntie who had the same reaction, though honestly, not as grand. Which we totally understood, she has never really been a kid person, if we got a puppy it would be so different haha. The next day my in-laws were to arrive home. We were going to pop down that evening but decided on a facetime conversation instead. I still have the pictures (im sure I will upload them soon). The tears of joy and happiness still makes me smile. Things were looking good.

As you can imagine the next few months of our lives was filled with excitement, planning, buying and obviously nerves. We went for our first scan thinking we were at 12 weeks. We were wrong, just so much anticipation, turns out we were only 8. But they checked our baby out anyway and everything was progressing nicely. Finally got our 12 week scan and could see our little baby properly for the first time. Yes she was small on the screen but features could be made out. I’m not going to lie here, tears were shed. Its one of those moments when you finally have something that you have always wanted. Your own flesh and blood on the screen in front of you. It’s something you can never prepare for. I’m sure my fellow fathers understand this. Things were now real.

Another 8 weeks later we finally get our 20 week scan. I am so nervous but excited, I get to see my child again but only this time we get to know if were having a boy or a girl. Like every father the thought of a son slightly edges in front of a daughter. I never understood why this is but it happened (on a side note the reason I mention this is because I want this blog to be fully honest, im not going to lie about feelings etc and if you think im wrong for wanting a boy, im sorry its just how it was). So we have the scan we are told it’s a girl. My wife was elated and truth be told, so was I. Yes its not going to be my boy that I will play football with etc but its going to be a girl. I came to actually liking the idea of a girl more than a boy. Just that daddy daughter bond, being wrapped around her little finger, scaring away her first dates etc. I was excited. The 20 week scan also showed us something that we didn’t expect. She had an anomaly. It was on the umbilical cord and thought to likely be a cyst but we would need further testing to be sure. We left the scan room, honestly, nervous. But we were reassured that these things pop up on a daily basis and its nothing to worry about. This just needs to be confirmed by a specialist and things can continue as normal.

So, assured as we were we left, we started discussing names and told our proud parents they were due to have a granddaughter. We decided on the name Lexi Jayne. It just fit. Lexi it was. Our family happily shared the news online that Lexi was our decided name and how proud they were, typical mam n dad stuff really. We were booked in with our next scan the week later to see what was going on with this anomaly. We spoke to a new Doctor who scanned my wife and advised us that this is something more serious than a cyst. We needed to see another speciality doctor in another hospital. So a week later another appointment was made at the hospital in the centre of Newcastle. We were told to arrive for 3pm but expect a bit of a delay. 6pm, we finally get called through for our scan. We speak to the doctor and her nurse who inform us Lexi had what was known as an Umbilical Vein Varix. If you want more information on that, google is your friend here people, in general it means the vein in her umbilical chord is swollen at a point. We were again assured that this is fine, this is a very rare condition but death rates were low, in fact the number of recorded deaths due to this varix is 0. We were told we need to be monitored every other week to check on growth as that’s the only thing we need to worry about.

So again we left happy. We had another scan of our daughter where it looked like she was yawning and had her hand over her mouth. I won’t lie, this had to be my favourite scan pic. It showed us a bit of her personality, we also got a pic of her massive foot which had been kicking Rachael for some time now. We then understood why it hurt so much haha. So more scans came and went and we got to watch our daughter grow every 2 weeks. Though we did have 1 more visit to the hospital in Newcastle centre. The doctors did a 3d scan (though I think they’re called 4d and I can never figure out why). He stupidly left it on the monitor as he went out the room, so free snap from my phone later and we had the perfect image haha. At this point my wife is starting to panic a bit, we haven’t really had time to start on Lexi’s room yet. Its getting close to December and Lexi is due in March. I assured her things would be ready on time and I have plans in place. I don’t think she believed me but I genuinely did have plans. We were to move the furniture out that we currently had in the beginning of December (which did get done) then around the 2nd or 3rd week my mam was going to start on the decorating of the room and the new year would bring in all of her furniture we would need. Speaking of decorating we decided we were going to have a Lilo and Stitch themed room. For a few reasons, one, we love stitch, stitch is awesome, don’t be fooled into thinking otherwise. Secondly the message in that movie that “ohana means family, family means no-one gets left behind, or forgotten” is something we thought was a nice motto for our family. Decals were bought and ready to go on walls. Everything was coming along nicely.

Thursday December 15th 2016. This is a day I will never forget for the rest of my life. It started out as any normal day would with the exception that my wife had a routine midwife appointment. I did my usual, get ready, kiss my wife goodbye and go to work routine. I was sat at work when I received an email at around 12:00. “I need you to come pick me up, somethings wrong with Lexi”. Okay, I was nervous. I left work and went to collect my wife who was waiting in the doctors surgery. During this time I had tried to contact my mam to let her know what was going on. No answer, sometimes getting in touch with the pope is easier than getting in touch with my mam haha. But I got to my wife, she gets in the car and tells me that her midwife cant find Lexi’s heartbeat on the doppler device. I wave this off immediately thinking she is just being awkward like her dad.  My mam calls me back and we tell her the news, she is exactly the same, waves it off, she will be fine, of course she will.

I drop my wife off at the door and I go park the car. On the way in I smoke a cigarette, I have plenty of time. I go to the ward my wife is meant to be on. As I walk in…. the only word I can use to describe this next feeling is, Fuck. The ward is quiet apart from 1 voice. That 1 voice is screaming and crying and is a noise I will never get out of my head for the rest of my life. The other thing that was very distinguished about this voice is I recognised it. I knew immediately who it was. It was my wife. I walked to the reception head down asking for her, they sent me to another desk, I asked again for my wife, they sent me back to the original desk. It’s at this point I see someone I missed earlier, a nurse. I ask again for my wife. She has that look in her eye and I know what she is going to tell me. Her words were “are you Neil?” I say “yes” she is just about to go onto the whole I’m sorry I have bad news speech and I had to cut her off “I’m not stupid” I said “I can hear my wife screaming, my daughter is dead, where is she?” I was taken into a room where my wife is sat (thankfully with my sister who seen her come in) we all just embraced for a few minutes while things were confirmed 100%.

The next part of the day is all a bit of a blur. There are things I remember, things I try not too remember and because of this the order of stuff is a bit all over the place. We were sat in the same room being told that the next steps were we need Rachael to take a tablet, this would start to dissolve the placenta and start the process of getting our daughter out. At this point were trying to phone families to explain what the hell is going on. Were clearly in shock, I managed to get in touch with my mam again (which is rare, see pope comment). This is one part I will never forget. I had to tell my mam that her only grandchild was dead. How do you do this. I was choking back tears and all I could mutter out was, “it’s bad news mam, she’s gone” Unable to comprehend she was replying “what do you mean? Who’s gone?”. I knew what I had to say, it was difficult, it took all of my strength but I got the words out “Lexi is dead”. Everything on the phone went silent. You could hear the tears forming from my mam as she was trying to comprehend what her son was saying to her. Through muttered crying my mam asks how and I cant give her an answer. She said she will meet us back at home and see us soon. Her hanging up breaking her heart will live with me for the rest of my life. During this time we are trying to get in touch with my in-laws, who for once, are harder to get a hold of than my mam. We finally get through and I cant answer much for this as I wasn’t on the phone, but they’re told, I know they’re upset and they make their way to the hospital.

We sit for what feels like an eternity as we are told what the next steps of our journey will be. We finally have the tablet, the 3 of us are sitting in a room of sadness, a room of tears and a room of disbelief. After a while my in-laws appear and provide some much needed comfort to us all. We explain what has gone on and what is happening next. During this time we get moved to another room to get our heads around and prepare for the next few days. We are told we will be send home and we will need to return on Saturday. My wife wants to drink but due to the tablet she cant. So we opt for smoking again instead (my wife had stopped when she was pregnant). All I remember at this point is pacing the floor, my in-laws asking if I am okay and drinking coffee. We finally gather the courage to leave the hospital. We all go to the shop and pick up some essentials. For us cigarettes, for my in laws, food to keep our strength up. We arrived at the house first followed quickly by both sets of parents. We sat, we cried and we had cups of tea and coffee (yes the British way to sort ANY problem is a good ole fashioned cuppa). We talked a lot and for a long time. Eventually everyone left and it was just us. As much as we probably didn’t know it but at the time this was just what we needed. We needed time as a couple and just as a couple to figure our own shit out. We decided we would buy Lexi a star so she would always be remembered.

The next day was a bit of a blur. We had to go shopping and return some items we had bought (bottles etc) and also buy the kind of items women need when they are to give birth. On a side note with that, there are few places you can go to collect these supplies, if by chance you are reading this and working in one of these type of shops, please move it away from the baby aisle. Yes this is great for someone who is due to give birth to a healthy and alive child, to someone who has been told their child has died and is going to have a stillbirth, not so much. One of the things I remember about this day was trying to hold back tears in public. It’s strange as a male, were not meant to cry. Even when going through the worst pain imaginable all I could think was don’t let anyone see you cry. Also I was thankful that my mam was free that day to drive us around. The lack of food and lack of sleep since the day prior would have made driving a difficult and stupid task. I think to my mam she saw this as a small thing, but she will never know how much we needed this and how thankful we were. Another foodless day and sleepless night followed. The next day was hospital day.

So the big day is here, we get Rachael packed up take a few supplies, pop to the shop on the way and pick up some cigarettes, just enough for the day as we suspect we will be home in a few hours. Boy were we wrong. We arrived at the hospital at around 11:50 am, we stand outside taking everything in and before we go in, we have a quick smoke. We can see other people judging us, and we understand it, were pregnant and smoking. The only difference is smoking cant harm our baby, nothing can anymore. We go to the birthing suite and settle in to our room which in this hospital is known as “the Willow Room”. Our main midwife comes in and introduces herself. Her name is Jenny. She is a specialist bereavement midwife who deals with these sort of cases (actually if you google Jenny you will also see she has won awards for this, she really is amazing). She explained the procedure we would have to go through to get Rachael induced and to get Lexi out. The plan was every 4 hours she would have to have a tablet inserted into her cervix to basically force labour. After putting our minds at rest about our own worries and everything else she left the room for us to settle in. The willow room in the hospital is very different to other birthing suites, We had tea and coffee facilities, a sofa that turned into a double bed and the room was generally quite a bit bigger. There was also a book and a box with a camera in for us to take pictures with when our angel arrived. We looked at the book and it was stories of everyone who had been in the willow room prior to us. It was a deeply harrowing experience to read other people’s stories about their loved ones who were taken away so soon, but at the same time, it was comforting to know we weren’t alone, again more tears were shed.

It was around 2pm when Jenny came back to our room and we got things started. I remember asking Rachael how it was with the tablet and she kept a brave face and said as much as it was uncomfortable going in it was okay and she was fine. So we settled in to what would be our home for the next while. We chatted between each other and with the midwives when they appeared, went for a few cigarettes, watched tele, played on our phones etc, just like you would do normally. I really liked this room. It became our own personal bubble. The day turned to night and Rachael had already had another tablet. Nothing was moving, In all honesty, we expected to be home by now. We thought this would be a very quick procedure, induced couple of tablets and boom Lexi would be out. I remember phoning my mam saying things were taking longer than expected and I needed some things brought to us like food and more cigs. My mam being the gem that she is was down immediately with a bag full of goodies to snack on and more cigs to keep us going. She didn’t stay for long but we were grateful for the company. Another thing about being in the Willow Room, you get whatever you want. As most of you will know, hospitals have set visiting hours, not in the Willow Room. We could have visitors at any time we wanted, if there was stuff we wanted we only need ask (I even got meals brought to me and this hospital food was nice man). The other difference was a very subtle one, our room had a blue butterfly sticker on the door. The butterfly system is a great idea and again I recommend you look into it if you are curious.

One thing that made us quite popular with the midwives was our box of heroes, every time someone came in chocolate was offered. It was a small way to show the midwives how much we appreciated the care they had given us so far. So the night passed again being woken up every 4 hours for a tablet. Rachael was getting quite uncomfortable now which is understandable. Basically, the tablet would dissolve around her cervix and every time a new one was added it would feel gritty. It was one of those helpless moments where there was nothing I could do but hold her hand, tell her how amazing she was and how proud I was of her. Another slight tangent here, because we were on the birthing suite quite often during the night we would hear other women come into the other rooms, scream and then hear the baby cry. As you can imagine this was quite distressing but thankfully we had the TV to drown this out. Plus midwives would always come in and check on us make sure we were okay. Also it was during this time me and Rachael decided that when we have our rainbow baby, we don’t want a big deal made of it in the hospital, which means no balloons or anything substantial brought in while we are there. This can be saved until we are home. The amount of distress this caused to both me and the wife when we were going outside or for a walk just made us decide that’s how it will be. We don’t want to put other angel parents through that.

Sunday came around and still no movement. It got to 2pm and we were told that Rachael now gets a 24 hour break from the tablets, this came as great news to us, finally she could relax and maybe sleep without being woken through the night. We were introduced to some new midwives along the way, we met Anne who was a bubbly Scottish girl and who in the evening just sat and cried with us and tried her best to get us smiling again. She was very much like a mother figure and was a very open and honest person. She was amazing at comforting us and was there for us during our time of need without being in the way. We also met Judy. Now Judy was a funny one. I wasn’t sure about her at first she seems a little less friendly than Anne and Jenny but again maybe I was tired. Turns out, that’s all it was. After a late night cigarette the wife got slightly triggered again by people taking their healthy babies home. We got back to our room and she just broke down and cried in my arms. Judy clearly saw something was wrong and joined us. She was so kind and understanding and we sat talking for what must have been an hour. Showing pictures of our pets and family pets and discussing their personalities etc it really was a welcomed distraction.

Monday morning rolled around and still no Lexi. We knew that the tablets would be starting again soon so we made the most of our morning.  Take a bit longer in the shower than normal and just generally have a bit of a relax before the afternoon rolled around. 2pm quickly struck us though and Rachael was prepped for another tablet. It was still painful but we tried to make light of the situation (Rachael at one point offering me to get my prostate checked, at the snap of the glove I politely declined). By this time we had another visit off mam to bring us more goodies and more cigs and a bit more general conversation. During this time I was keeping the rest of the family updated via text or Facebook Messenger so they knew what was going on. Because of how far my in laws lived we didn’t want to make them do such a long journey when my mam was closer, even though I know they would if we needed them too. It got to Monday night and there was still no movement. Rachaels cervix hadn’t changed and Lexi showed no signs of appearing any time soon. It was December 19th and we feared we would still be here on Christmas Day.

Tuesday December 20th. Rachael had been on tablets all day Monday and nothing was moving. She got a tablet at around 2-3am and she was in pain. The tablets really had taken their toll on her, I have never felt so helpless. Rachael finally opted to take some gas and air to help with her pain. I folder up my bed and sat with her to keep her company and try to help with her pain. Judy was our midwife again and she would periodically come to check on us. As the hours went on Rachael’s pain got more and more severe. She went to the toilet and something unplugged (im not sure on the terminology here, I probably should be but im not). I was told to tell Judy about what had happened. This was at about 5am. Judy came back and checked on her, things were moving along now and very quickly. We were told we could have dihydromorphine when labour started to help with the pain. Judy told me to let her know when things moved along again and she would go get this for her. It got to approximately 5:10 am and at that point Rachaels waters broke, This was again one of those things I’d never forget. Normally when waters break (from what I’m aware) this should all be clear liquid. This was not the case with us. When Rachael’s water broke it was red, it was a lot of blood. This was the sign of things happening. I’m not going to lie people, I panicked. I needed to find the call button as there was no midwife I could see. I followed the chord but couldn’t see the button, it was in the cupboard but my brain could not comprehend it. All I knew is I couldn’t see it. Finally when I wracked my head to being able to open the cupboard door I pressed the button, Judy was there immediately. Turns out we didn’t have time for the dihydromorphine, Lexi was coming and she was coming fast.

The birth was a standard birth apart from Lexi coming out butt first. I held Rachael’s hand as she pushed and she delivered Lexi on only gas and air, she did so well. It was weird as much as there was people in the room once Rachael stopped pushing a Lexi was out there was a silence, the crying you expect to hear and pray to hear wasn’t there. I remember for about a good 20 minutes I just sat there, looking out the window crying. I couldn’t look at Lexi and I couldn’t look at anyone else, although I did look while they gave my wife a huge injection in her leg to flush the placenta and being amazed that she didn’t feel it. We did have a laugh about that later. Once the midwives had finished up with Rachael I finally got the courage to look at her. Wow she was beautiful, I know everyone says their child is beautiful but she really was. Perfect little nose, eyes were kind of open so we could tell she had brown eyes, unfortunately she had my nose and not Rachaels and she had little wisps of brown hair. She was born at 5:18 am and when she was weighed she was 2lb 9oz. Judy stayed with us for a while and helped us to bathe Lexi, She asked if I wanted to do it but I didn’t have the strength. We got plenty of photo’s though and got her wrapped up in a towel. Next some clothes were brought in as she was too small for the clothes we had for her. She was wrapped in a little pink blanket and we finally got to hold our angel. Rachael had first hold, as she should I might add. You could see the pain in her eyes as she stared at our first born child. Tears were strolling down her cheek and she could not stop apologising even though she was not at fault. Lots of cuddles and kisses later it was my turn. Dear reader I have a confession to make here, holding a child has always been a huge fear of mine, what if I drop her, what if I don’t hold her right what if I make her uncomfortable etc etc. But I sat down and took her into my arms, it felt so natural. I have never felt such a surge of love and sadness at the same time before in my life. I just broke down. Here she was, my precious little daughter in my arms, I was finally a dad. The only difference is I couldn’t take my daughter home. We took lots of pictures and let our parents know Lexi was finally here and arranged their visiting times.

The first person to arrive was my Auntie, now you may recall I mentioned her earlier in the story, she was the prefer dogs to kids lady. She sat down with Lexi, had a bit of a hold and got lots of photo’s taken. You could see the pain in her eyes, this is not what we expected and I don’t think she expected it either. You could see the bond form between them instantly. We still joke to this day about how I would have understood more if it was our puppy who died. It just shows how much of a big heart my auntie has and she still to this day will cry when Lexi is mentioned. I know that if she had survived they would have been inseparable. We left my auntie babysitting while we went for our first smoke of the day. Later was time for my in laws to arrive, they brought us some McDonalds as a bit of a snack to get some other food in us which was greatly appreciated. Again more cuddles were had and more photo’s taken. My mam and Steve (her partner) followed. I was again surprised by the reaction of Steve. Bit of background here (ie another tangent). So, my mum had only recently got together with Steve earlier in the year. He had known us less than a year when Lexi was born. I will always remember when he walked into the room he just burst into tears. He came over and got himself some cuddles too and we made sure to get photo’s so he could keep that memory alive forever. Something like this I believe shows true character and his reaction to Lexi well and truly cemented my opinion of Steve as being a genuinely nice guy with a heart of gold. More photo’s later and lots of discussion (it was a noisy room at this point) Rachael’s sister walked in. Unfortunately it did get to the point where Lexi was becoming to deteriorated to hold anymore and needed to stay in her cold cot. Vic (Rachaels sister) did manage to give her a kiss and old onto her hand for a while so she did get some bonding time. A Little about Victoria, (again another tangent). Ever since I have known Vic she has always been strong willed and strong minded and VERY strong emotionally. She rarely shows when she is upset unless it really gets to her, she is a proud person and has every right to be and its an honour to be able to call her my sister in law. She can hold people together when needed and be that support that you want without being condescending toward you.

The reason I mention above is due to what happened when Vic walked in the room. She came in all happy and hey everyone being bubbly as normal. Went to Lexi’s cold cot, took one look and immediately turned away to try to hide the fact she was crying. She was clearly too late cos I saw her and went to give her a hug. So we all just kind of chilled in this room and eventually we got notice that the bereavement officer was here to see us. Her name was Kara. We took this as a sign for everyone to leave (apart from Vic, we wanted her to stay as she hadn’t been long, she waited outside for us to finish up with this next part). Kara introduced herself as the person no one ever wants to meet. We made a joke about this and complimented how lovely she actually was and we would happily speak to her again, just preferably under better circumstances. We got through the paperwork that was needed and immediately afterwards the registry officer was here. Another while of getting all of her details registered. She didn’t get a birth or death certificate, she got a certification of stillbirth. This means she will still have a record of life in a way and will still be acknowledged. What did get a bit creepy was towards the end of the registration, the lady doing this kept looking at us funny all throughout the process. It got to the end and she asked, are you married? We said yes, she asked when we got married and where. We told her and the penny dropped. The lady registering the death of our daughter registered our marriage. It was a nice but shocking revelation. Eventually everyone left and we spent some time Me, Rachael, Vic, and Lexi. More bonding later it was time for Vic to go.

We sat for a while just the 3 of us now, s a few nurses we spoke to throughout the time came in to see her and tell us how beautiful she was and offer hugs and support. Finally it hit around 5:30 pm and we decided for Lexi’s sake, it was time to say goodbye. She was deteriorating quickly and we didn’t want her to anymore. We also met another bereavement midwife called Nira. We told her it was time for Lexi to go.  We put her teddy in her basket and sent her on her way re-assured we could get her back any time we wanted. We decided we would stay another night in our little hospital bubble. My mam brought us more McDonalds, a meal this time though and we all sat and chatted for a bit. We fell asleep ready to depart in the morning.

We awoke around 8:15 am after a rough night sleep, we decided to quickly go for a smoke before getting ready to go. On our way we passed Kara again who advised she had a little present for us but was nervous about giving it because of our stance on religion (we’re both atheist). We were absolutely gobsmacked that someone had thought of us who we barely knew and told her not to worry and to pop up and see us when she is free. We finished our cigarettes, went upstairs and had some toast and started to pack. Kara turned up and presented us with this little Christmas decoration of an Angel with Lexi’s name on it. It was beautiful and we thanked her profusely. We were later told that Kara never does this, she was just so touched by us and our story she couldn’t resist. We have spoke to Kara since and she really is an awesome lady. We finally went home and prepared for what would be a very strange Christmas.

I will skip over Christmas because I am sure you can guess how it was. Lots of tears, lots of alcohol and lots of what ifs. Its to be expected.

I will skip to just before new year. We finally got notice that Lexi’s body had been released after post mortem. We will be made aware when she is in the chapel of rest ready for us to go visit her and finish off the rest of the funeral arrangements. Actually (I swear I make a lot of tangents) on a side note. This again goes to show how amazing the hospital was. Once we got everything sorted we were also advised that Lexi’s funeral would be paid for by the NHS/hospital trust. This was a HUGE weight off our minds. Not a single expense was spared, we got cars, the chapel of rest, coffin all made for to our specification. All we needed to pay for was flowers. The funeral was organised by the co-op and I must admit, they were brilliant from start to finish. I will discuss the funeral more in the next section.

So once we found out Lexi was available to be visited again we got everyone who wanted too together and we went to see her. I went in first to make sure she hadn’t deteriorated too much. She was still perfect. Her teddy was still sat with her protecting her and making sure she was not alone. We organised songs with the directors and the priest guy who was going to do the service. We ordered flowers and everything was set for the day.

It was a cold morning, the wind was blowing and the air felt very crisp. The flowers were delivered, the family was here. All we were waiting for now was Lexi. We got in the car, the coffin was not on show, and took the small drive to the crematorium. We had come to the decision that I was to carry her down the aisle. That’s all I could think about on the way. How can I do this? Am I strong enough? Am I going to break down? Am I going to drop her? Etc etc. We pulled in and everyone was inside the building due to the weather though a small smattering of people waited outside. One of those people was a friend of my grandmother. She was stood right where the first car stopped. I am so thankful for this as seeing her was like seeing my gran and that gave me the strength to do what I had to do. I walked over gave her a big hug and thanked her for coming. Immediately turned to the right and picked up my daughters baby pink coffin. There is a saying, “the smallest boxes are the heaviest”. Never before has that felt so true. I walked my daughter down the aisle for what would be the only and last time as precious child played in the background. I somehow held it together. The service was the same as any other, slightly less religious for us but it was still beautiful. I don’t know if there is such a thing as a perfect funeral, but if so, this was it.

I guess the last thing to mention story wise was getting post mortem results. It was found to be that Lexi had the Varix which was an issue and also had a Whartons Jelly Deficiency. Basically this means her cord wasn’t protected. Both of these conditions are very rare and we know that we will not get these again. But for now, we work on our rainbow baby and doing things for baby loss charities.

If you have read this far thank you. More will be coming soon on the life of an angel parent.

[aricacykiertproject-blog]

ADHD IS FAKE (CONTINUED)

Here are some articles I found:

"ADHD expert claims disorder is 'not a real disease' and EVERYONE fits at least two of the criteria used for diagnosis".

First off, I find it funny that the title has the word "EVERYONE" in all caps. This is such a generalization to assume that every single person in the world fits at least TWO criteria used for diagnosis. In the article, Dr. Bruce Perry says "treating children's hyperactivity with drugs was similar to giving a heart attack patient painkillers - it ignores the cause of the problem.." Of course, I can not speak for everyone who has ADHD and I can only speak for myself, but my ADHD was so bad when I was younger that the only way I could function was to be put on medication. Dr. Bruce Perry also stated that "if you give drugs to children with ADHD, they will need progressively larger doses as they get older to achieve the same effect". I can say that I have been on the same dose of ADHD medication for a very long time. I have dealt with becoming immune to certain medications, but I have not changed my dosage in probably over a decade or so.

**I found this article to be extremely annoying this is doctor is speaking about how easy it is to live life without ADHD medication when he has not experienced it first hand. In addition, I also realized that I should try to reach out to other students at UofM who also have ADHD, and maybe I could ask them about certain information I have read in articles that say that ADHD isn't real. I know that I can create work based on my own life experiences, but if I am going to present this type of information, I have to be careful that just because I don't experience something the article says, doesn't mean someone else doesn't. While of course everyone has different reactions and stories with their ADHD, I just want to see what the results are when I reach out to more people with ADHD. I am sure I will find more commonalities than I think with the fellow ADHDers.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2592641/Expert-claims-ADHD-not-real-disease-fits-two-criteria.html

Another article is called: "Dyslexia is meaningless, but don't worry - so is ADHD."

I am not going to comment on the dyslexia part, because I do not have it, but overall I can say that this article is complete bullshit.  

"Sorry about Latifah, she's got ADHD", has become a familiar mantra whenever Latifah has done something truly appalling: not any more, not now. Latifah is just an unpleasant, over-indulged, half-witted brat with a crap diet: sort it out, quickly". I can't even comment on this article, it's too ridiculous.

https://www.spectator.co.uk/2014/03/dyslexia-isnt-real-but-dont-worry-neither-is-adhd/

I went to the bottom of the google search to go to the second page and I saw some related searchers:

"Is adhd an excuse for being lazy"

"adhd excuse bad behavior"

"is adhd real or bad parenting"

"is adhd real in adults"

"is adhd real or a medical hoax"

... So i clicked on "is adhd an excuse for being lazy"

I found this: "ADHD: The cop-out diagnosis for lazy parents"

Here's the title:

Here is the first line to the article, "What to do with a rowdy, inattentive child? Give up, diagnose, medicate."  (I actually laughed out loud when reading that)

The article says "If a child is easily distracted, playing too loudly, fidgeting in class, avoiding homework, or interrupting the teacher, then he or she has ADHD? Give me a break"

I can see how there can be confusion between if a child is simply just not interested, or if the child has ADHD. I will have to sit down and interview my parents and ask how they knew I wasn't just a bored child and that I actually had ADHD. I know they will bring up the story about how they got my preschool pictures back and it said on the packet of photographs "will not sit for picture", classic story. But I really want to figure out how they knew exactly that I should get tested. Perhaps this is another question I could ask the UofM students as well.

http://www.couriermail.com.au/rendezview/adhd-the-copout-diagnosis-for-lazy-parents-and-teachers/news-story/fa54eb9a14b64b5f67682f5d5ecfc930

So after reading that article I googled "is adhd real or just bad parenting"

I found a few articles that had the title saying that adhd is real, and is NOT a form of bad parenting. I also found an article called "Whoa... Doctors Link ADHD Diagnoses to Poor Parenting"

While I excepted to hate this article, I actually found myself kinda understanding where the author was coming from.

Dr. Leonard Sax studies ADHD cases and he said that "he believes that there are legitimate cases of ADHD, he also believes there are a number of false diagnoses.." This then got me thinking about how people take ADHD medication when they don't need to take it, especially in college such as Adderall. They do this so they can be more focused and attentive to their work, and to experience that so called "Adderall high". I think this idea is interesting and maybe something I could explore later. But for now I am really interesting on exploring how people think ADHD is completely fake.

http://www.intellectualtakeout.org/blog/whoa-doctor-links-adhd-diagnoses-poor-parenting

***I would NEVER in a million years think that I am the way I am because my mom and dad were bad parents. Coming from my personal experience, my parents are fantastic parents. I could ask the UofM ADHD students something about if they think their parents were bad parents and that's why they think they have ADHD? (I gotta polish up that question, still in the works)

After this sidetrack I decided to go back and google "is adhd real or a medical hoax" to find out more information.

The first link that comes up is webMd, and it's called "Is ADHD Real? What the Medical Community Says"

within this article, there is a list of major medical groups such as American Academy of Pediatrics and the National Institutes of Health and it states that these groups recognize ADHD as a VALID condition that should be treated (thank goodness).

The article discusses how more people have been diagnosed in the recent years, but the article claim that the reason could be cause more people know about it. The article also states how "doctors don't know everything about how ADHD works in the brain, but imaging tests like MRIs show there are clear differences in people who have it and people who don't'

**The article I read earlier proves what parts of the brain were different.. but that was about children, not about adults. While that information was useful to know about my past, it does not answer why I still have ADHD and while it hasn't gotten any better since I was first diagnosed.

https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/childhood-adhd/features/adhd-critics#2

[safe-sane-thin-blog]

READ ME

About myself and this blog

My person and personal background

Im 28 years old and live in the EU. Im 170cm / 5′7 in hight and currently weigh 55kg / 121lbs.

I suffered from Anorexia nearly my whole teenager years until I was about 20. In this time my lowest weight was 48kg / 105lbs and though I never reached an underweight that would make a hospitalisation necessary or put my life in real danger I was really, really sick because of my ED (I still have a heart insufficiency from this time). Sometimes I fasted for two weeks, and I mean zero calorie fasting (only water and supplements). Most times I ate between 200 and 600kcal a day. And I was pretty active in various sports, swimming, riding, volleyball, basketball and fencing each once a week (no workout besides that except sports in school, I never really was into excessive exercising). I was dizzy all the time, I took tons of caffeine and ephedrine to keep myself from passing out constantly (didnt always work), my hair fell out, my skin was dry, my heart was weak because of constant malnutrition and the huge amounts of ephedrine I took. If I would have continued this way I would be dead by now, Im absolutely sure of that.

As you can see Im not which means I didnt continue this way. I cant really explain how I recovered. I had a therapist since I was 14 but not because of ED, it was about other problems. I never sought help, I never got an official treatment for my ED, it was just me who understood I cant go on like this and changed my way. Important: This ist not how it usually works - in 99% of all cases you DO need professional help to successfully fight a ED and I recommend to reach out for such help! Im just telling my own personal story here and this is how it was for me, kind of a miracle.

I started being a vegetarian when I was 18 (not because of my ED but other reasons) and moved (far) away from home, and this was the point my ED started to fade somehow. It took about two years to “fully” (not really as you will read later but pretty much) recover and it wasnt easy but it worked. I slowly stopped counting calories, not from one day to the other but over a year. It wouldnt be true to tell you I began eating healthy, I didnt, but I started eating more and somehow over these two years I managed to not think about it constantly. I could finally eat without this voice in my head telling me that this is bad, that I should feel guilty, that I will become fat.

I studied medicine at an european university at this time which made it easier for me. I didnt finish it, I only studied for three years and then had to quit due to some other mental illnesses but it was long enough to give me some deeper insight of the human body, how it works, what it needs, what it can endure and what it cant. This helped.

I lived like this until half a year ago (January 2017), then my ED came back to me… I suffered from heavy depression all these years and had to take some strong medication which made me gain a lot of weight. Suddenly I was as “heavy” as never before - I weighed 70kg / 155lbs. I somehow learned to live with a “normal” body but I couldnt stand this, this was “fat”. It isnt, I know that, but obviously my ED was never really gone since for me personally it was and I couldnt help thinking again about losing weight, calories, food etc.

This was when my “second” ED started, which is still with me right now. I want to lose weight again, I want to go back to my lowest weight of 48kg / 105lbs, I do count calories again, I do keep record of everything I eat and drink, I do need my scale every day, I do fast sometimes, I do restrict myself. BUT I didnt and dont want to take the same path I took 15 years ago, I dont want to make myself this sick again (and by the way I also just can’t without dying because of the mentioned heart insufficiency) so I tried to find a way to live with my ED as healthy as possible. Which I do now! Important: An ED is never ever “healthy”, theres no way you will be healthy while having an ED. Its in the nature of things, an eating disorder is an eating -disorder-, a sickness, and a very serious one! But there are ways to live healthier than just starving yourself to death. And still losing weight. I think I found a way and I want to share it with you!

What this blog is (not) about

This blog does promote something! First of all: Eating disorders are extremely dangerous, stay away from this shit at all cost! Second: If you already did develop an ED, try to live through it as safe as possible. There is a way to do this, I promise! I know that some people suffering from EDs are just “too sick” to follow this way, that not everybody can survive this illness, that not everybody is able to stay safe - thats not pessimism, thats not telling you you cant do it (quite the opposite), thats just a sad fact. But Im sure a lot of people can do it, they just dont know it and how it works. And this is what this blog is about.

This blog is about how to survive an ED. Its about how to cope with an ED in the most healthy way possible. It is, of course, about losing weight and getting thin as well - otherwise it wouldnt be about EDs. But it is about how to do this in the most “sane” way (a contradiction, I know… thats life, thats people).

This blog is NOT a “Thinspo Blog”. You may find some pictures of bodies I consider beautiful on my Likes page and maybe these will serve the purpose of thinspo to some but this is not what this is about! If you are looking for thinspo, please look somewhere else.

This blog is a journal of my way to cope with my ED and hopefully a source of information as well to some of you about how to stay safe with an ED. And a place for you to ask questions if you have some.

This blog is not for people who do not have an eating disorder and just want to lose weight. Losing weight and having an ED are two totally different things and, believe me, if you do not have one you do not want one! If you just want to lose weight in a healthy way please read (post coming soon) in which I show you a healthy way to lose weight and then leave this blog. This is just for you protection.

On this blog I will share with you what I eat and how much I lose. I lost 15kg / 33lbs in the last 5.5 months. For many of you this might sound pretty slow but thats how it works, losing weight relatively “sane”. There just is no way to lose it faster than this without extremely weakening your body (which is not safe).

On this blog I will share information about what the human body needs to stay alive and to function. About what you have to do to not die! Also what you have to do to lose weight, but without starving yourself.

I dont expect that all of you follow my way, or are able to follow it. If you just cant help (wanting) losing faster, fasting longer, eating less, I wont say “Youre doing it wrong”, I will still be with you and try to show you that it can be different and hope you will understand some day. But if you just dont want to try to stay safe, I cant help you and you are wrong at this place. This is no clinic/therapy, I am no doctor. I cant save you all, Im sorry.

I hope to reach as many of you as possible and if I, by sharing my own way, just save one single person from a terrible fate its worth it.

If you have any questions about EDs, nutrition, medical stuff, whatever about how to stay safe with an ED, just send me an ask.