#sorry i am like. not actively having a breakdown like i was in december but

[oidheadh-con-culainn]

i wish i could convince my brain that my workplace / being at work / doing my job is in fact safe

i know that there are some objective dangers involved (like covid and the fact that i'm the only person in the goddamn building wearing a mask) but emotionally i wish it felt safer so that i didn't feel like i was putting traumabrain through a blender every goddamn day so that it feels the need to spend every evening figuring out what "safe" is all over again (and not always succeeding at finding it at home)

like. i am okay at my job. my boss is fine. it is not an objectively challenging experience and i am theoretically staying vaguely on top of things. And Yet

[hollyand-writes]

Just wanted to say that I saw your post about Blond Boy Romance discourse and wanted to thank you for such a succinct write-up about Anders. I got into the fandom in late 2019 and i was SO confused about this huge gap in art and fic. Like, dead links and missing blogs and deleted posts. And I couldn’t figure out what happened because no one was talking about it, and I’m very shy after a mess in my last fandom. So...yeah. Thank you for writing that up, it’s nice to finally know what happened even though it’s really depressing. Also, thanks for staying in this fandom. You’re a wonderful example to others and an amazing creator.

Hello wanderingnork, and a very belated welcome to the fandom! 🙌🏾 Well. Welcome to what’s left of the fandom anyway LOL ❤️ 

Thanks so much for reaching out and sending me this really kind ask message (the post being referred to is my addition/reblog here) but yeah, I guess for those who weren’t in Dragon Age 2 fandom or the Anders side of fandom between December 2017—July 2018 you wouldn’t have seen how horrifying the bullying got. I’ve seen at least 3 people who aren’t friends with me reblog my post saying that what I described was why they themselves quit DA fandom or the Anders side of fandom too. 

And those are the Anders fans who DIDN’T delete their Tumblr blogs. Obviously the ones who DID delete and/or quit aren’t here to confirm that they, too, quit over that Anders wank in 2018. 

The worst of it was that the wank was started entirely by a group of Anders fans who – to my knowledge – still see themselves as the real victims to this day, even though they only stopped their callout posts and bullying (both in public and behind the scenes in private) when they learned that the Anders fanartist they were bullying was considering taking legal action. (You KNOW things are bad when fandom wank gets so bad that it becomes actual harassment that breaks the law.) And like I said, they posted some pretty shitty things about those of us who were friends with this artist too, causing many of us to block them. 

They backtracked like fuck in July 2018, but after seven months (maybe more?) of constantly bullying this one popular Anders fanartist (who’d repeatedly apologised, deleted the NSFW sideblog AND the offending art, and posted how the whole thing had driven that artist to a breakdown and suicidal thoughts), maybe it should never have got that far?

I don’t know how active they are in DA fandom now – but I DO know one of them notoriously posted that us blocking them was “bullying”, and that “bullying is child abuse” for “children” like themselves... despite the fact that they admitted they were 23 and therefore were very much not a fucking minor or child. (They had a lot to say about how WE should have been responsible for their “online safety” as well, and that Anders was their “comfort character” whom they only wanted to see sweet fluff content for, and they regularly triggered themselves by searching out Anders content that was less than fluffy or sweet to complain about on their blog. Not to mention how many of us queer POC Anders creators in our 20s and 30s – including the Anders artist they bullied – were accused of being “white” and “boomer-passing” for defending Anders content they didn’t like LMAO)

I’m so sorry to hear about the huge gap in art and fic you experienced on coming in to Tumblr Dragon Age fandom, but given how many creators took one look at the bullying and thought “fuck this, I’m leaving” and either deleted their blogs or Anders posts/fic/art/meta or simply left for kink-friendlier fandoms, I am honestly not surprised to hear this. I am also sorry to hear that there was a mess in your last fandom too; and I hope that this fandom is better to you. 

Dragon Age fandom is a difficult fandom to be in, but trust me when I say there are lots of good people in it. They’re just harder to find, and often they’re not as prominent or in-your-face as the nastier types. But I know they’re there because I’ve found them, and I treasure them, and I’ve been here since 2014. 

I think really all we can do is block the haters as much as possible, and carry on creating whatever the fuck we like – and tagging appropriately. I learned my lesson from that wank in 2018: if someone(s) is really determined to destroy you and just wants you gone, there is no apology or deletion you can give that will be good enough. Besides, there are so many problematic themes and content in Dragon Age canon that I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask creators to completely shy away from exploring those if they want to, or from making OCs that mirror a canon character’s traumatic background, or from writing/drawing canon characters as anything less than healthy and wholesome and pure (which NONE of them are in canon, anyway) – especially if it’s tagged and warned for. 

I mean... we all paid Bioware to purchase and play this 18+ game with its uncomfortable, difficult and sometimes problematic themes and content. I feel that if the Dragon Age franchise was so terrible and traumatic and problematic for someone when playing, then I do question why they joined the fandom afterwards. And I don’t think the onus should fall solely on fandom creators – who are doing this for free, unpaid, in our spare times – to create perfect, unproblematic, wholesome content that just wasn’t in the games themselves. Different people have different definitions of what is “perfect”, “unproblematic” or “wholesome” anyway. 

(On that last point: look at how the people behind The Mess callout tried to accuse people of being racist for romancing Cullen with pale-skinned Lavellans; back in 2016/2017 you got accused of being racist for romancing Cullen with darker-skinned Lavellans. How times have changed 🤔  There’s a LOT of content in this fandom that I don’t like, or that squicks/repulses me, but as long as it’s tagged in a way that I can avoid it, I’m not gonna police what people create. And if there’s one thing I’ve noticed the Dragon Age fandom IS very good about doing, it’s that most people are careful about handling problematic topics and content in a sensitive way. So that’s not a thing I worry about.) 

Anyway. I’m rambling. But yeah, that recap of 2018 (which several people have confirmed is true now) sums up why there is such a huge gap in Anders fanart and fic, and is why very few people create Anders content anymore – I know I myself abandoned a Garrett Hawke/Anders longfic in 2018 because I didn’t want to create for Handers fans if the only ones around were bullies who believed they were victims. But it’s been well over 2 years now, so.... I might get back to writing that fic. The Gym AU is still very much alive in my brain 👀 

So! That’s what happened... but despite everything I want to emphasise that there IS much good in this fandom, even if it’s harder to find among all the shit there is 💩 and that I hope your stay here is a good one. Thank you so much for saying you think I’m a wonderful example to others and an amazing creator, though! ❤️ I don’t know how many people will agree, but I do try! 

But yeah, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from being here since 2014 – and from surviving several attempts to run me out of fandom (including for having an elf/human OTP) and off this platform – it’s this: The people change, and the characters and subjects being wanked over change, but fandom wank itself never ever changes. 

[dontshipiknowwhatuthink]

First day of Elippoweek and this is my first fic. Versione italiana qui

How to make Elia Santini falling for you ( in Quaratine)

Elia seemed strange in the last days. Very strange. Filippo had never seen him showing signs of hate or intolerance from him in the months they had lived toghter. And they would be giustified, Filippo knew he was the worse roommate in the world and not only because Elenora said that, but beacuse it was true: no sense of the word order, no knowing of privicay and lack of respect for personal space, inability in care for his Sister's plants or cook something decent. Elia, however, didn't complain: he took his jokes, talked about his problems, he even let Filippo chose the movie for their movies night and he didn't complain when the blonde univinted himself in the Contrabbandieri's nights. Elia cooked for him when he was on his shift at work or in a class at uni, he helped him with his uni project and in everything Filippo needed.

What have been a simple and small crush, from some talking at parties and eyeing at nights with their friends, began to tramsform in a huge crush for the younger boy. He decided to try to conquer him, sharping his strategies to make Elia fall for him. If it didn't worked out, they would laugh on it one day, thinking about their shorter time as roommates, with their partners and the whole contrabbandieri team. He could see already Martino laughing at him for thinking he could make fall for him "quel morto di fregna" ( trad: really into girls and their vagina) of Elia Santini.

Then lockdown arrived, quaratine and Covid19 and everything changed.

Elia's strangeness continued all week. Filippo thought that was lockdown who made Elia like that: maybe he wasn't feel so safe, he was scared of the global situation more than he said. If this was the case, Filippo didn't want to pressure him into talking. When he wanted he knew how to stay at his place and not meddle in people lives. But then he began to notice things like how Elia was less talkative then ever, like he didn't try to engange in conversation or their usually activities or even like the angry glare that he shoots to Filippo when the blond didn't do domestic stuff, forgert to write down the correct food for the grocery store or when he drank more coffee than usual. Elia was angry with him and it wasn't because Filippo was a terrible roommate. So, he decided to master his plan: make him go crazy enough to confess what were going on, he had a talent for that.

Elia began to be more nervous but didn't respond to his provocations. He knew that the boy complained about him with his friends because Martino wrote to him to "take it slow" with his friends and Filippo blantlay ignored the message. He tried another plan: he stopped planning things to do with him, talking unless necessary or entering in Elia's room anunnounced to sit on his bed and discuss about the younger's discutible music taste while that was playing at high volume. Elia was at the edge of a nervous breakdown, but still no real reaction. There was only a last thing he could do.

-Eli don't sit on the sofa, you have got dishes to do - he said, seeing him on the sofa after a day of lessons and really poor sleep. Filippo knew he wasn't in the right place to do so and his plans was based on that.

-Fili I'm really tired. Between lesson and the match at Fifa with the guys yesterday, I went to bed at 4. I need some rest, can you do the dishes today? - he knew that Fifa became an emotional intervention, he tryed to respect Elia's privacy with loud music but he ended listening clearly Luca said "What is a bisexual?". Hope started growing in him, even if his previous plan was not on the table anymore... Or it was?

-No- he had to insist, it was the right time to start pushing - it had been two weeks since you started been nervous and lose the joy of living but that doesn't justify you in doing your duties. So get up and help me - when he heard Elia walking in his direction, he knew that he succeeded.

-That don't justify you in doing your duties? This week I had to do my "duty" twice, because you didn't do it. I'm not complaining at all about your manners, the amount of coffee you had that I couldn't even drink in one year, your inexistence shopping list and the worried messagge from Eleonora about her plants that you are not caring for, like your not caring for everything that happen around, and -

-and you? - Filippo had to interruped him, stroked instantly with the realmatter with Elia. He knew what had going on. - Are you angry with me because I do exactly the things I know that make you crazy, just to attract your attention? You had rarely look at me and always furtively since quaratine began. Am I right Elia? -

-It's not true I don't look at you - Filippo laughed. Elia couldn't lie, at least his eyes couldn't because their were watery.

– Am I right, Elia? -

It's seemed that Elia wasn't breathing, trying to come up with a plan to kill Filippo. His watery eyes became fire, ready to attack.

-I don't know Fili, if pissing me of its so natural for you, you can write it down in your CV. Because, Yes, you pissed me of like no one other, I would slam you against the wall everytime I see. It takes talent to do so -

-So do it - Filippo prayed that he didn't misunderstand. Delusion would burn him after if high level of sexual tension will go unresolved. And after he realized how much care for Elia emotions and wellbeing.

-What?-

-Slam me agaist the wall, we would see if you to can write down something new in your CV other than been a pain in the as- and then he was on the wall, Elia's lips on his, kissing him desperatly and he forgot everthing: every plan, strategy, thought, world pandemic.

Until Elia broke the kiss and run towards his room.

He couldn't fogot that kiss so easily. Kissing Elia was like the perfect match between a romantic and a porn movie. In his mind there were so many thoughts, most of them very negative and pessimistic. He knew Elia was on phone with his friends and this time we didn't want to hear anything.

Did the boy feel something for him? Was he ready to admit him to himself and the world, showing who he really was? Fillippo couldn't bear it other way, he wasn't keen on hiding and he endend hating who did it.

Was he ready? Was he ready to lose a friend, the best roommate of the world and the boy who was in his head like no one other in one day? Was he ready to accept a rejection and live it by until quaratine was over?

He couldn't wait for Elia to decide for him, He had to confront him again. When he heard a desperate sigh, he took the chance right away.

-You don't have to fake a call with your friend to ease the tension in your pants, honey, I'm here - he heard cleary Martino's laughs and Elia's curses and then silence.

-Filì?-

-Uhm?-

-I was really calling my friend-

Elia was feeling guilty and that was not good for Filippo.

-I know, I was trying to make you leave that computer to talk to me. If you ended the call to avoid me, I'll go shower and we will see each other tomorrow - Filippo said. He wanted to control this situation in his own ways.

-I want to talk to you. - Elia said in respons- I'm sorry, I didn't have to treat you like that - Elia was sincere, Filippo saw that. Damn.

-I would like to tell you that you can treat me this way when you want but I don't want boost your ego that much - he couldn't have a normal adult conversation o maybe he could, but it wasn't what him or Elia needed in that moment.

-I'm not good with words, I can do letters like Garau, it's not my thing. I like you Fili. I like you from that december night, when althought the Argentina was there, I couldn't be able to take my eyes off you. When I got the courage to ask you out, you were with Dario and so I closed the chapter to move on - Filippo didn't see it coming. It couldn't believe Elia had noticed him from that night and that this mess could been risolved, maybe and with much fortune, months ago - When you asked me to live with you, I knew that I had to think about it more that I've done but part of me wanted freedom too much. The same part of me that wanted you again. This time I want try and tell you: I like you, Filippo Sava and I really want to slam you against a wall every second of my day -

At every world Filippo was more shocked and he didn't know what to say. He only heard his heart beating too fast and If this life was not a romantic movie, I could swear that Elia could hear that. But that was life and Elia was in front of him, terrified so he decided to talk it throught.

-I didn't notice you was looking at me, but I couldn't say that I have noticed you that night. The Santini's charme doesn't go unnoticed. I really thought what I said to Silvia that night, but I didn't think that I had a chance and I was really tired of lost causes. From when you had entered this apartment, there wasn't a single time that I wouldn't do what happen before between us and making you crazy, poking you, it was my way to see if you want it to-

-You had your answer- Elia's smile didn't help to stop his heart from beating like crazy.

-Uhm, Do I? Before you were very angry, it could have been an impulsive gesture, not intentional - it could have been a very beautiful dream and Filippo could woke up everymoment from now...it would be take advantage of every time he had got.

-If you insist this much, I would like to try again - Filippo smiled.

-I accept you offer, just because I can't say no to that lips - if their fist kiss was unforgettable, this kiss was even better. Slow and sweet, burning slowly in pure fire thanks to Filippo's lip piercing and Elia's full lips, so easy to kiss.

-I'm crazy about you, Elia Santini- he said between kisses, before everything became fire. If this was a dream, it wouldn't forget even a single second and it had to be remarkable.

A few hours later, they were on Filippo's bed, wrapped in each others arms.

-What you said to Silvia?- Elia asked, trying to making sense of what had happened that day in every small detail.

-Nothing much. That you had beautiful lips and I would fuck without a thought-

-Martino told me that I mustn't living with someone I would like to fuck -

Both laughed.

-We can't dissapoint our friends, can we? - Filippo said, moving his head torwards the boy.

-Definitely not, it wouldn't been kind of us treated them this way-

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Hi! For Maddie: You might not remember this, because it was January when I first did an ask, and it feels like it’s been a century since then, but I was the anon who was freaking out about getting married in December and worried about “competing attractions” and was having regular breakdowns about getting married. I sent another ask to update and say that I had brought my partner to therapy with me. I just felt like sharing another update, since you popped up on my feed. (1/?)

When Coronovirus hit, as you can imagine, we were quarantined together and it became imperative that we buckle down and deal with these issues of mine. We started doing (video) couples therapy, and it made a *huge* difference, helping me unpack a lot of my issues and helping us communicate better about them. (It has also helped my partner with some of his issues with emotional repression, but that’s a different story.)

And then we canceled our wedding because of the pandemic- and I realized that a *huge* part of my fears were related to the amount of money we were going to spend on a wedding. And fear that we could be “throwing it away”. And canceling was a relief. We decided to use the money to buy a house, and that didn’t freak me out at all, this arguably /larger/ commitment (considering that we already live together, so the marriage itself wouldn’t change very much). (3/?) (I forgot to number #2, )

We’ve put money down on a lot for a townhome and we have a design appointment on Friday! I’m so excited for our house, and I’m excited, again, for getting married. We are still getting married in December- what it will look like is up in the air, but it will be a very cheap and casual affair. Thinking of this as more of a solidification of what we already are has helped me feel less like this is a huge life changing decision and what if I’m making the wrong one?? (4/?)

Because I already made the decision a while ago/we are already committed to each other (I have a lot of decision anxiety). I’ve realized language is really important to me, so deciding to use “spouse” instead of “husband” is giving me a way to honor my bisexuality and reject heteronormative and patriarchal assumptions and connotations that come with “husband and wife” that I realized were another reason for my visceral reaction to getting married. (5/?)

I think going through the wedding planning process and being entrenched in all these gendered traditions was making me feel icky and impacting my feelings. And I’ve started wearing a pride pin on my work lanyard, because the invisibility of my queerness that comes with entering a “heterosexual” or “straight passing”, whatever you want to call it, marriage, was another big part of my bad feelings. (6/7)

Anyways, thank you for responding to my asks and pushing me to do couples therapy. Couples therapy is still so stigmatized, so much more than individual therapy these days (friends have reacted oddly) but honestly, I think everyone should do couple’s therapy- it is really great! (So sorry for flooding your inbox!!) (7/7)

Hello there,

I did have a vague memory of your ask from Janurary so I dug through our archive and found it again and then it clicked. Thank you for giving me an update. This all sounds like it turned out great for you. I am glad I could help with my little nudge towards couple’s therapy and that this seemed to be helping both you and your partner.

The fact that the whole shebang surrounding wedding organisation and the contant confrontation with gendered traditions added to your fear didn’t even occur to me back then but it totally makes sense. Not just the general vibe of “getting married to a man and thus not seeming queer enough anymore” but actually being pretty much actively pushed into this wife-role by the wedding industry? Yeah... I can imagine that makes things worse. Good that you were able to figure that out and identify it as one source of your problems - and already found some easy solutions.

And thinking that you two managed to work through this in the midst of a pandemic really speaks for your relationship. Others would’ve crumbled under this but you took the opportunity to really get to the root of your problems together. Well done, I’m really proud of you and happy!

Maddie

[stephhannes]

new year, who dis

what would be the use in becoming a symbol of walking desolation? awash in multiple griefs, elaborating on anguish. even if i never get to see you again, i’ll know that when we collided we both broke each other open. 

                                                   -mount eerie, love without possession 

i guess it’s been four months since i’ve sat down to write an actual blog. i figured i should at least try to get something out before the new year. 

i’ve tried to write an update a few times over the last couple of months, but every time i tried to write something, it’s just aggressively sad. like that one st. vincent lyric— i try to write you a love song, but it comes out a lament. and while an aggressively sad tone is appropriate to how i’ve been feeling, i’ve been trying to bring less sad energy to the table. (a surprise to everyone, because sad energy is my entire brand). 

I planned to get this blog up by january 1st. and then i kept putting it off. hence why this starts off saying things like, “i guess it’s been four months,” and “i figured i should at least try to get something out before the new year.” today is february 4th, which means it’s officially been a year and a half since nathan died. 

in the last few weeks, i’ve been under a lot of stress. i’m juggling three jobs right now, and somehow still don’t make enough money to survive. i’m sure that at this point, i’ve described to you my bona-fide money saving technique. it’s called “i only eat three days a week because it’s too expensive to feed myself every day,” sometimes, i get lucky, and get the scraps from events at work, and that’s literally like the one (1) thing i look forward to. 

i’m still out here searching for a salary (and health insurance) and hopefully, by my birthday, i’ll have that. but we’ll see, the job search has been uhhh…..abysmal to say the least. 

anyways, in the midst of being stressed, i’ve realized that i really don’t think about nathan all the time like i used to. sometimes i’ll go like two days before i’m reminded of him. the other day, i was like “am i a bad person because of this?” and like, logically, i know that it’s totally normal, but on the other hand, i can’t help but feel guilty because of it sometimes. i feel a sense of responsibility to exist as a reminder of “hey, this person existed, and they mattered,” and while i realize that’s a huge weight to put onto myself, i feel like if i don’t, then who will? 

last night, i was reading house of leaves (which, despite owning a copy since high school, i’ve actually never read it before) and i found nathan’s bookmark (a ticket from a baseball game he went to right after he moved to new york) in it, from when i let him take a few of my books when he moved to nyc. i got weirdly emotional and was like “wow what a fun coincidence to find this item of nathan’s that i’ve never seen before in my life on the 1.5 year anniversary of him dying.” i’m not saying i’m superstitious, but maybe i am a little stitious. 

+++

since the last time i wrote a blog, i’ve kept notes on my phone every time something happens that i feel holds some sort of importance- so here’s what’s been in my notes since august 4th. 

august 24, 2019. 4:17am

when i went into work on august 5th, a coworker of mine asked how i was doing. i was doing alright. the anniversary of nathan’s death really didn’t hit me too hard. i assumed i would have a huge nervous breakdown, and i didn’t. 

then my coworker, who’d also lost a partner, told me, “i hate to sound negative and be the one to tell you this but the second year is a lot harder than the first.”

that’s what i’d been reading online for months, but to hear someone say it to my face i was just like… oh shit. 

and so far, the second year has been harder. 

i’ve officially been out on my own for a month now. 

the best part about having depression is that no matter where you are, you still have depression. i don’t know why i was expecting moving to just alleviate all of my sadness when i know that i’ll always find a way to be miserable wherever i am. 

it’s nice to be out of abilene and at least have the option of opportunity, but i basically just spend all of my free time asleep or crying. 

as the ancient oracle, britney spears, once said- “my loneliness is killing me.”

now that i’ve started getting into a routine, i’m starting to feel that hole in my life again. 

i’m on the same schedule that i was when i lived in new york, almost. 

when we lived in new york, i would leave for work around 4, i’d get home around 11:30, and then nathan and i would hang out until around 4am, and then go to bed. the next day, he’d usually wake me up at a normal time, (or at least 2 hours before i had to be at work). 

and now i have to leave for work around 4:30, i get home around 11, and when i come home i’m just alone. and i lay in bed until i’m finally exhausted enough to fall asleep, usually around 5am. and then i wake up ten minutes before i have to go to work. 

i have been feeling this deep, existential sadness for awhile now. every night, i lay in bed and think about all of the conversations i wish i could revisit with nathan. all of the things i wish i’d said. i relive all of my favorite moments of ours. i am still so desperate to feel close to him again. 

i cannot remember a time in my life when i was excited to wake up. i cannot remember a time when i looked forward to my future. in fact, when i think about my mental health as a child, the only thing i remember is one time when i was 12, my dad bought me tickets to see my favorite band. i was obviously so incredibly excited, and expressed the human emotion of joy, and my mother accused me of being on drugs because she’d “never seen me act like that before.” it was so surprising to her to see me happy that she literally thought i was on drugs.

i’ve been like this for as long as i can remember, except for the two years that nathan and i were together. i was still so depressed when we lived together, but for the first time, i was looking forward to the future. for the first time, dealing with my depression seemed worth it. for the first time, putting effort into getting better made sense.  

for the first time in my life, i didn’t feel alone. 

and it took a lot of effort on nathan’s part to make sure that i didn’t feel alone. the loneliness i’ve always felt is like a self-fulfilling prophecy. i actively choose to retreat from friendships and relationships. i stop responding to texts. i hide away and cancel plans. it’s my fault that i feel isolated- because i isolate myself. and nathan refused to let me do that. when i get stressed, i internalize everything and take it all on my own- and nathan would recognize when i was doing that and beg me to let him help. and i wouldn’t let him help. but he would still do it, because he knew what i needed without me asking and would just quietly provide it for me so that i wouldn’t lose my mind. and a lot of the time the help was just him actively sitting me down and reminding me that i’m in fact, not alone. i’ll never forget when i was so stressed after moving to new york because i was so poor, and nathan telling me that “it’ll be okay. we’ll figure it out.” i never asked him for money, or for help, because i have too much pride for that. but even when i was working, i was struggling to make ends meet for myself, and he would sneakily do things like go to the grocery store and be like “oh hey, i was at the store today and just picked up some chicken for you so you don’t have to go yourself.” there were a few times when i asked him to pick up something from the halal cart for me because i didn’t want to get out of bed and i’d be like “there’s cash in my wallet just grab it” but instead of taking the money from my wallet, he’d just get the food for me, and put the change he had leftover in my wallet for me to have.

but even past that, just emotionally, he’d always reassure me that i wasn’t alone. as soon as he started to sense me doing the thing where i try to isolate myself, he’d just cling to me even harder. 

here’s the thing: i’m too tired to fight for myself, and i don’t have anyone that’ll fight for me the way that nathan did. 

august 29th, 2019. 5:32pm

so here’s the tea: i went on a date for the first time since nathan died. i went out last night, got drunk, got on bumble and agreed to go on a date this morning. so yeah, i was aggressively hungover, which is maybe not the best version of me for someone to meet- but it’s the version i brought to the table nonetheless. and like, it was fine. well, up until the point he was trying to relate to me and my career in theatre and told me that his favorite musical is CATS. his favorite cat is the rum tum tugger, and he can’t wait to see the movie in december. 

it’s not going to work out. CATS is an abomination and i refuse to spend time with anyone who disagrees with that statement. 

on a more serious note: i realized that i definitely don’t have the emotional capacity to date. i just can’t bring myself to care about anything anyone has to tell me about themselves. you have two sisters, your parents divorced when you were 8 and and you love CATS? zzzzz….sorry, that was me blacking out for 7 minutes. 

y’know, i’m unsure about a lot of things in my life. like, don’t try to ask me what i want for dinner because i refuse to make a decision about anything. don’t ask me what my favorite movie is, or my favorite book. i have no idea, dude, sorry. BUT the one thing i have incredible clarity about is what i deserve in a relationship. i had impossibly high standards before nathan and i were together and now they’re even higher- but that’s fine when you don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with scrubs to begin with. 

the other day, i found my journal that i kept in college. it starts in august of 2015, with the eulogy i wrote for my dad’s funeral. an excerpt: “despite me acting like an awful teen at times, he always was on my side. i think that’s what i’ll miss the most. i’ll miss having someone who had my back 100%. i’ll miss having someone who was always making sure i was happy…” and after reading that, i realized why my relationship with nathan was so successful. i’ve always heard that “girls always end up marrying someone like their dad” thing, and for the most part always chalked it up to weird patriarchal bullshit, but maybe there’s a little truth in it. because i definitely see some of my favorite things about my dad reflected in my favorite things about nathan. 

september 30, 2019. 1:09am

sometimes the saddest things must be sung. 

every time i try to write, it’s impossible to say anything that’s not just “i’m sad.” i haven’t been feeling great lately. i just feel trapped in this infinite loop of sadness and it’s so exhausting. i don’t like being like this. nathan would always get so frustrated with me when my depression was really bad, and i’d always be like do you think this is fun for me??? do you think i like being like this??? do you think i wake up and want to be a goblin??? newsflash my dude, i don’t. 

here’s the thing: when nathan first died, i was sad all the time. but it made sense. i had a reason to be sad all of the time. 

but i’m still sad all of the time. i wake up, i’m sad for 10 hours and then i go to bed. and then i wake up, maybe go to work, come home and be sad until bedtime. it’s a constant loop of sadness and i am so tired. 

nothing i do fulfills me. nothing satisfies me. i have neither purpose nor direction. i’m tired. and i’m sad. 

october 2nd, 2019. 7:34pm

i went to urgent care today- turns out i don’t have depression, i just have a torn ligament in my ankle. 

for context: i fell down the stairs at work the other day, crunched my ankle like it was an empty ozarka water bottle, and just wrecked my shit. i think this injury has me sadness spiraling a lot more than i normally do. now i get why nathan used to get so depressed whenever he’d injure himself.

the first time i got really sick after nathan died, i was so sad. this is my first ever really bad physical injury- i’ve never broken a bone or torn anything before, and i’m really feeling the loss of nathan right now. like how am i supposed to feed myself when i can barely walk to the kitchen? who’s supposed to remind me to take my ibuprofen every few hours? 

senior year of college, i kept getting strep, and the only reason i didn’t die is because every 12 hours nathan would call me to make sure i took my antibiotics, even when i had to take them at 2am. i only have two voicemails from him saved on my phone and literally one of them is from 3am and he’s like “hello wake up, your penicillin is calling, i’m gonna keep calling you until you wake up.” 

even though spraining my ankle was a nightmare, it could’ve been worse. just think, if i was a framing device in an emily bronte novel, i would have just had to live at work for five weeks until it healed.

october 11th, 2019. 5:37pm

i haven’t been sleeping lately, and last night i fell asleep around 6am. the cold front had just blown in and it was raining and i finally fell asleep. before i went to bed, i cracked my windows open for the first time this year and when i woke up this morning it was chilly in my room. i woke up in a little cocoon of all of my blankets and pillows and for a moment, before i completely opened my eyes, it felt like i was back in new york, waking up with nathan on a fall wednesday morning. it’s the little things.

october 25th, 2019. 2:19am

i keep thinking about all the things that have returned to me. all of the things that i gave to nathan that are back in my possession, tucked away in my room. like the grey ut shirt that was 3 sizes too big for me- so i gave it to him as a christmas present our first year together. he had been in new york for a semester, and he surprised me by coming to austin for new year’s- we hadn’t talked about christmas gifts or anything, but we ended up giving each other almost the exact same gift. he had gotten me a columbia sweater, and he slept in it for a few days before giving it to me, so it smelled like him. i did the exact same thing with that grey shirt. we couldn’t stop laughing when we exchanged the gifts because we were so amused that we’d gotten the same thing for each other. 

after he died, that shirt was one of the few that i kept of his, he slept in it all the time when we lived together. it still smells like him. 

i don’t wear my rings anymore, but when i see them in the bottom of my jewelry box, i think about the day that i gave him the engagement ring. he was so afraid of me saying no if he were to propose to me, so i told him that when i knew i’d say yes- i’d give him the ring i wanted him to use. on our first anniversary, i was visiting him in new york, right before i flew back to texas, i left a letter on his desk, with the ring attached. it returned to me a year after that, on our second anniversary when he proposed.

the day after nathan died, i went through all of his stuff. mostly because i knew i was about to fly back to texas and i didn’t know when i’d return to our apartment, so i wanted to collect all of his important documents that i didn’t want to lose. social security card, IDs, cards, passport, etc. but when i was digging through his backpack, i found a folder, where he’d kept all of the letters and cards i’d given to him throughout the years.

my personal favorite was an envelope that had two things in it: a sample size of the perfume that i’ve always worn, and a letter that just said “for when you miss me.” i gave that to him before we were even together. it was during that weird ambiguous era of our relationship where we were too afraid to commit, but were definitely in too deep to not commit. every time i would leave his apartment, he’d comment on how his pillows smelled like me, and how he missed me- right after he made his decision to go to columbia, we assumed we would never see each other again, so i gave him that letter. 

i was surprised to see all of those letters because that meant that he moved them from his apartment in abilene, to new york, to our apartment in new york, back to texas, and then to philly. 

so in turn, i moved them from philly, back to abilene, and now they’re with me in a box in austin. 

and i hope that one day all of the love that i gave to nathan will return to me. 

november 4th, 2019. 12:31am

in the deepest, blackest night of despair if you can get just one pinhole of light, all of grace rushes in.

november 19th, 2019. 2:20am

i’ve started taking up space again.

december 20th, 2019. 1:41pm

y’know, i’ve been doing pretty well for myself lately, and by that i mean that i haven’t had any major meltdowns. well, except for a couple of days ago. it was a christmas party, and as we all know- i’m not great at being social. but i also never turn down an invitation, which is a strange combination of things that happen to exist at the core of my being. but luckily, i got a plus one. see, with a plus one, i have a buffer there. i can bring one of my more interesting friends to carry conversations for me and then by proxy i become more able to socialize because i have to expend less energy by having that buffer there. anyways the person i was bringing as my plus one cancelled two hours before the event which meant that i had no time to try to get someone else to come with me. and this threw me into a major breakdown. i didn’t even want to go to the party at this point, but i had spent so much money on an outfit that if i didn’t go i would have wasted like 60 dollars. and i sat there trying to put makeup on to go but i kept crying and ruining it and then i chugged three white claws before even showing up at the party and i didn’t eat beforehand because there was supposed to be food there but by the time i was done crying and arrived, there was nothing left and then i drank 5 glasses of wine because it was free and i have social anxiety, and somehow i made it through the night without making a fool of myself, which is a miracle. 

the thing is, i really don’t get upset about a lot of things. but if someone cancels or changes plans on me, especially plans that we’d had set for at least a month in advance, i lose my god damn mind. there is historically nothing that upsets me more. 

but this time around, i realized that it really hurt me because it was the first time that i was confronted with the fact that i no longer have anyone in my life that prioritizes me. like, if nathan was begrudgingly my plus one to an event, he can’t get out of it- it’s non-negotiable. but like, i don’t hold that level of importance in anyone else’s life- there’s always something more important to them and uhhhhh that feeling sucks. 

+++

and that was the last note i wrote in 2019. which brings us to january 2020. when i think about my relationship with nathan, i feel like january always ended up being a special month for us. in 2016, january was the first time i ever spent the night with nathan. in 2017, nathan came back to texas to see me for the new year, after we’d been long-distance for five months. at the end of 2017, he went out of town for like three weeks, and i was miserable and all alone for the holidays, but in january 2018, his last day of vacation back home in abilene coincided with my first day of vacation back in abilene so we got to see each other for a little bit instead of having to go an entire month apart during the holidays. 

so i always end up getting weird and do a lot of reminiscing in january- but i feel like that’s kind of universal. 

like the #1 thing that everyone does is get all existential and contemplative when the new year hits. 

+++

in 2018, i never stopped moving. like a shark, i would have died if i stayed in one place for too long. and there i was in 2019, finally staying in one place.

it was a lot easier to ask for help when i had a reason to be sad. but now enough time has passed since nathan died that i feel like a burden when i’m not doing well. 

in my blog post wrapping up 2018, i said that my goal was to be kinder to myself. i also said that 2019 was going to be for starting a new life.

and while i’ve been no kinder to myself, at least i’ve made strides in living in this new phase of my life. in 2019 i moved out of my mother’s house, and back into my best friend’s apartment in austin. i got 3 jobs. i cut off all of my hair and pierced my nose. i started taking up space again. 

a few weeks ago, a coworker of mine told me that she had also lost a partner before. but what stuck with me was when she said, “you will never be the same. you’ll be happy again, and you’ll fall in love again- but you’ll never be the same person again”

and i’m realizing how true that is. 

i think one of the scariest scenarios is waking up one day and not remembering who you are. and that’s exactly what happened to me in 2018. i woke up one day without nathan and couldn’t remember who i was. 

one thing everyone’s been talking about lately is how this is the end of the decade, and i realized that nathan was in my life for the entire decade. he was in my life before the decade even started. and then when he died, i lost such a huge part of my identity. there’s a bear’s den lyric that’s like “i don’t want to know who i am without you,” and that’s what 2019 was for me.

kintsugi is the japanese art of fixing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with a lacquer mixed with powdered gold. i’ve always been a vase held by shaky hands, constantly on the precipice of shattering- and in 2018 i was dropped. in 2019, i’ve been finding tiny pieces of myself and trying to piece them back together to form a whole person again. 

recently, i’ve been realizing all of the little pieces of me that are missing. like the part of me that used to be good at holding conversations with people. and the part of me that had the ability to be a person for more than like 3 hours a day. and the part of me that showed excitement about things. i don’t even know what things excite me anymore? do i have interests or hobbies? not really. one time, i described myself as a robot that powers off if i am not at work, and wow, what an apt description.

the other day, one of my friends called me out about how she can never tell if i’m actually excited about something or not. my language is always very vague and even when i’m really stoked about something, i rarely show excitement about it. 

+++

so now it’s february 2020. it’s been a year and a half since nathan died. i’m feeling better. the other day, i came to the realization that i think my emotions have finally leveled off. i’m back to my normal amount of unstable, rather than that really virulent level that i was at for awhile at the end of last year. it feels good to finally have a little bit of control back over my life. i’ve finally really settled in at work, and i’m starting to feel more confident in my capabilities. 

so what are my goals for 2020? i think the biggest thing is to find something that i care about. honestly, probably a big part of the reason why i’ve been having such a hard time finding a Big Girl Job to settle into is because there’s just nothing that i’m 100% passionate about. it’s hard for me to find an answer other than “i’m just trying to not die,” whenever i get asked “so why do you want this job?” i really want to find lasting stability this year. i’m tired of not being able to enjoy anything because i don’t have money. whoever said money can’t buy happiness obviously was never poor because let me tell you, i’d be a lot happier if i could afford to go out with my friends more often. or if i could like…….eat 3 meals a day without feeling guilty for wasting food because i know i can live on just one meal a day. 

i also started doing a skincare routine that involves like 4 different serums and i’ve been doing really well keeping up with doing it twice a day and if i could carry that energy through the rest of the year that’d be dope. i would make a comment about how i’ve been going to the gym every day and how i’m trying to have a 2020 glo-up but i was going to the gym every day for awhile but i haven’t been in like two weeks. 

also my chemical romance just reunited so i guess my other 2020 goal is to see them on this reunion tour.

[soulsunforgiven]

A Few Notes About My Hiatus (Or, Why I Fucking Vanished)

So I figured an official post instead of tag rambling might be appreciated so here we go.

I used to be intensely active in the roleplay community. Like, intensely. I have about 72 frigging roleplay blogs just. Floating around the internet. Many of them were active at the same time - occasionally I had about 10 active at a time.

And then I just. Vanished. And at first it was a mental health thing. And then it just... wasn’t.

The thing is, last year up to January of this year was a shitshow. I was dealing with a lot of abuse from my ex roommate and a lot of mental things. I had a breakdown in December that caused a dear friend to almost cut me out of their life, and caused the man I love to go silent for a week because he wasn’t sure he could handle my mental instability.

It was nearly losing two of the people closest to me that made me realise that things had to change.

So my reason for not being around changed from being mentally ill to just. Trying to make something of my life.

If we’re going off what the world considers ‘improvement’, I haven’t really improved. The market I worked at shut down and I’m only just finding a job again, a month later, and it’s a pizza delivery job. Not glamorous. Still have no degree. Still living at home with my parents. Had to stop transitioning because of finances.

But if I’m looking at myself... there’s improvement.

Mentally, I’ve improved. Socially, I’ve improved.

I don’t spend as much time on the internet anymore, and I work on developing my social skills, my social life.

I have a partner who adores me for me but also loves me enough to make sure I am always bettering myself.

I am moving in with my partner and a few friends of ours on March 1st. 

And mentally I’ve improved immensely. @heartsunholy saw it long before I did and still sees it more than I do, I feel.

I can control my emotions more. I can compartamentalise them easier. I can take a look at all the emotions barking at me in my head and separate them, and learn how to handle the ones I need to handle and how to put away the ones I don’t need to handle.

I’m better at being more positive, somehow. And I honestly don’t know if it’s my meds, or my boyfriend, or my friends, or my life, or what, but I. I like it.

Long story short: I’m sorry I haven’t been around. As you can see, life has been... pretty damn crazy lately. But in a good way. And I can’t guarantee I’ll be around a lot even now, especially since a step away from the internet and the often-toxic Tumblr atmosphere was a big part of what helped.

Tumblr RP isn’t going to be my life anymore. I’m not going to treat it like a job, or agonise over getting replies done instantly, or making my blog look pretty. I have a life to tend to now and I want to make it thrive, make it grow.

But I’m here for now, So let’s have some fun.

[sunyoonandstars]

I saw that you're not a writing blog anymore. Does that mean you won't continue any of your works?

Hello, dear. 💖

I’m sorry, that me changing my bio like that on a whim on a bad day must have given not only you but a lot of my followers the impression that I indeed did stop writing for good. 🙈 Which is not true. Because I realized that I simply CAN’T. I can’t stop writing/creating. 

I am still a writing blog. And I plan on continuing most of my ongoing series’s (not all of them, though. I will most likely put Black As Ink to sleep.) as soon as I get settled in again. 😌

It’s just that the past three months were rather tumultuous for me … 

From here on, it will get a little personal. If you’re not interested, you’re welcome to skip this part. 

I have been struggling to get back up on my feet lately, both in real life and here on tumblr. 🙈 Back in November, I suffered a nervous breakdown and after that, everything kind of went downhill. 😣 In December I went through a major depressive phase, was dealing with severe malnutrition (due to both my depression and an eating disorder … as well as a lack of money lol), had a falling out with my parents, almost lost my job and thought I would end up homeless (since my lease expired and I couldn’t find an affordable room). So. Yeah. Writing and nurturing this blog were not exactly my top priorities. Sadly. 🙈

BUT: I am continually getting better and things are starting to look up again. I got most of my shifts back at work, I just signed the lease to my new room today and will be moving there in about two weeks. My depression seems to be giving me a break for now and I’m working towards being a healthier Me again. 😌 Which also means that, as soon as I get settled in at my new place, I also plan on continuing my writing activities here. 

Enough of my personal bla bla 🤪

So, please stay tuned. 🙏🏻 I’ll give my blog a makeover soon! 💝

I’ll fix some links on the Masterlist and just rearrange the whole thing to give it a simpler, more neat appearance. I’ll delete the series’s that won’t be continued, or at least put some of them on hiatus, so there will be no confusion.  

Also … I don’t want to be THAT blog. 😣🙈  But, if you would like to help me out and show some appreciation, feel free to donate to my ☕️ ko-fi ☕️. For every five Euros/Dollars donated, I will write a reaction. 😊

Despite being a little absent lately I still love and appreciate any one of you guys. And I love writing for you just as much. So stay with me for some exciting new stuff to come in March! 🥰💖

[kazmorosov]

|| bill skarsgard, cismale, he/him || ( kazaran morozov ) is a ( 25 ) year old ( senior ) at rockport university studying ( business + literature [TA] ). people say they are ( ardent ) but also ( stoic ), and remind others of ( coffee rings on crisp paper, losing their sense of reality, hushed arguments ). bet they sure didn’t expect anyone to know about ( his plagiarizing to succeed and honor his terminally ill mother he killed ) but someone does, and ( kaz ) better cooperate if they plan to keep their lives. || james, 20, EST ||

hi i’m so sorry this took a long ass time to put out but im herE lmao here’s my baby

tw; murder, addiction/substance abuse, abuse mentions,

gen. info:

full name: kazaran nikolai morozov

nickname(s): kaz

b.o.d.: december 14th

label(s): the escapist, the academic, the fallen, the philanthropist, etc.

height: 6′4″

hometown: bangor, maine

sexuality: str...aigh...t ? question mark ?

biography:

born to a self-made businessman and a philanthropist with a penchant for odd names

his father’s a russian who moved to the u.s. in his childhood who still has many...unique, ties, to the country though none of those are important

his business involves military equipment and he works closely with the u.s.’s military (ahsdfghk conspiracies ?)

and his mother was a plain jane (literally--her name was jane) from a family of politicians; his uncle’s a senator

kaz is the eldest out of seven children (christ) and yes all of their names are just as excessive as ‘kazaran’

grew up with the pressure of the ‘golden child’ title; kaz had to be perfect at everything he did, from his grades to after school activities to manners and presentment

was always expected to follow in his father’s footsteps and like ?? partner with him once he was old enough? 

which is fine and grand except kaz had never given a shit about his father’s business; his real passion had always been for the arts, particularly literature and even more particularly poetry

he found that the arts was probably the most...free, kaz could get, without actively rebelling against his father

b/c god . . . his father is a force to be reckon’d w/

very strict man, likes to be in control constantly, not the...best, emotionally towards his family. or verbally. sometimes physically. y’know.

this really only...amplified, kaz’s perfectionist attitude. it was mostly out of fear of repercussions than much else

kaz has, however, always loved his mother.

jane is the opposite of their father, a woman who loves the world and everybody in it with this...heart of gold, and best intentions in mind

the only problem was that she was horribly submissive to her husband

aNYWAys okay, kaz grew up fairly unscathed but only because he was so...conformist, y’know?

loves his siblings and would die for them, but god--he’d have to side with his father just for his own sake, which definitely strained his relationship with a few of ‘em

AnywAys again; was pretty well-known in his high school

for being like, intimidatingly tall but also was fairly popular? star of the track team, student gov president, in DECA or whatever.

went to rockport just because it wasn’t...too far from home, and partially because he wasn’t allowed to go out of state.

and he was fine w/ it, man

his mother got sick his freshmen year, however, it wasn’t...horrible, at first

it was concerning, yes, but the doctors said she was going to be fine

jane was pretty...adamant about not letting her condition effect her children, too, so she acted as if she was fine

kaz, being a dumbass, was like alright fine this is fine and went on w/ life

sophomore year he met his soulmate; a future veterinarian named freya

n i mean he just...fell for her immediately, y’know ?? n ig she felt similar enough b/c they started dating immediately

it was really...good, for him; especially as his mother’s heath had suddenly taken a turn for the worst

kaz wound up taking two years off of school to care for his mother; his father was gone more often than not, and he felt as if his younger siblings shouldn’t have been burdened with the task

and well...jane never got better, only worse

it was at the point where the doctors had sent her home, knowing that nothing else could be done--she was confined to her bed, and miserable. in pain, really.

one...day, as kaz was tending to jane, she broke down. i mean, just, a full on emotional breakdown, a complete episode, begging him to just...put her out of her misery.

and, god, kaz had never disobeyed his parents (minus his studies in literature but y’knw what. . . not important rn) but that was so ?? morally ?? conflicting ??

they cried together for a long time until y’know. deciding what to do.

as soon as she had fallen asleep, kaz put a pillow to her.

he was never...caught, tho that may have involved some bribery on his father’s end who knows

the day after the funeral, kaz proposed to freya and she agreed.

and it really should’ve been fine if kaz’s mental health didn’t rapidly deteriorate like...he was not handling it well

freya helped, yes, but she could only do so much

turned to drugs, particularly painkillers after a minor car crash and just...a mix of shit, y’know.

probably stole drugs from his fiance’s job tbh

got on antidepressants, which only worsened his shit b/c he started ?? occasionally hallucinating his dead mother ??

his creativity had also just. shat on itself. he couldn’t write, no matter how hard he tried

his mother had really wanted him to pursue his dreams, and god, he was too far in his degree to drop literature

so he started....plagiarizing, his works, b/c kaz is a whole ass idiot. but he hasn’t gotten caught yet, somehow

his fiance thought the cruise program would be a great way for kaz to possibly, recover, since she could see how bad he was doing so he weNt because of her

also yes at this point he had gone back to school; had even gotten a TA position because he used to be...one of the best in his class, y’know ?

anyways yeah im paraphrasing this all horribly but idc u get the point

drug addict, mercy-killed his mother, loves his fiancee, tortured soul, y’know all that

personality:

likes to pretend he’s much calmer than he actually is, y’know

likes the whole aloof and distant thing b/c it’s already so easy for him to be intimidating

he can b a lil snarky, a lil sarcastic, but he’s overall always been really well meaning?

can be extremely passionate about his hobbies, or his future wife, or really...anything he mildly likes, tho, y’know?

gOD is he always feeling so guilty, tho, it really weighs him down

but he’s also like...usually high, sometimes u can tell but more often than not u can’t ??

because he’s obsessed w/ seeming okay. and doing okay. and being that average dude next door, y’know?

he wants to be normal, to feel normal, but he’s got this wave of emotions crashing into his chest and he’s in sm pa i n constantly

like he’s got major anxiety but u won’t know unless u catch him in midst of a panic attack and like he’d rather die than somebody see that

probably journals as a way 2 like...cope, and keep himself calm

uuhh he’s like lowkey a huge softie. will cry at sad movies and won’t care tht he’s crying about it

takes teaching rly seriously but he’s also always concerned somebody’s going to figure out that he’s just. a fraud.

smart, with dumbass energy

like he just...sometimes doesn’t think ??

loves his fiancee a whole bunch but this distance thing is...sm harder than he thought it would be. she’s his anchor and he’s just ?? floating aimlessly now

but yeah he’s always acting like he’s okay, like he’s gucci.

uuuhhhh god i dont know what else to say tbh ?? he’s just. a mans. being a mans.

probably doesn’t sleep super often b/c not only is he a TA, but he’s got some mf nightmares man

wanted connections:

got a girl best friend but he needs a...dude best friend?

other friends in general, honestly

professors he’s got some sort of relationship with b/c he’s working for penelope rn

a flirty unrequited thing, where they keep tryn but kaz is like nO i am TAKEN look at this photo of my beAUTIFUL FIANCEE

ppl pissed at him for the grades he’s given them LMAO

people...concerned? for him?

bad mf influences who are like LET’S GET FUCKED UP

a dealer y’know. somebody on the ship who can give him what he wants which is a Lot

uuh let’s brainstorm together, bb

like srsly just. gimme a like, i’ll pop into ur dms w/ my messy tall son and be like let’s fuck him up !

[tieboremphyd1978-blog]

Then I go in with a pore filling primer (I use the tarte timeless primer but I have also liked benefit porefessional, I am also trying out the elf putty primer no verdict on that one yet). Then, I prefer to use a lower coverage foundation or even a tinted moisturizer because you can't really tell as much when it starts to slide off your face. In the summer, I've been known to use the benefit hello foundation and in the winter I usually go for the bare minerals complexion rescue tinted moisturizer. Not all, but definitely some.That being said, both Morgan and Lewyn are great characters, and if Morgan wins over Lewyn, I definitely be supporting her in the final round (Sorry Soren!). 8 points submitted 1 day agoI tend to always root for the guys/the characters from older games. It not really anything against the newer games, I a newer player myself, it just that I love a good underdog story and none of the newer characters, especially not the females (except Sharena RIP), are ever really underdogs in anything.I just love getting to know characters from older games, especially ones I can play. At the Trinity Site in New Mexico in 1946, Albert Einstein prepares to travel backward in spacetime. He activates his experimental time machine to find himself in Landsberg, Germany, on 20 December 1924, where he meets a young Adolf Hitler just after the latter release from Landsberg Prison. Following a brief conversation between the two, Einstein shakes Hitler hand, which erases him from the timeline.. She flirted with the bartender for weeks. She intentionally didn invite you to an event where significant others were invited. She invited him to a house she knew was empty to have sex. As far as appearance and weight loss goals others have mentioned, no, lifting only once a week is not really going to give you a lot of progress on those. However, you do not mention them so I assume they are not of importance to you? I know they barely on my own radar. I lift for the pleasure of lifting, and because it calms my mind.. One specific example is the 7 deadly sins shot. Sure, she had one of the better photos and the circumstances were insane but both Naima and Christina had better shots that week. Her Springbok shot was also really overrated. I definitely want more shades from this line, but I won be making any hasty purchases! I need to do more research on the shades they have. There are no cons to this lipstick. I like the packaging, the applicator shape, the longevity, the easy of application, the formula, the color, everything!. Fucking tool edit: NO MATTER HOW BIG YOUR DICK IS NO ONE CARES! HAHAHAHAHA LITTLE DICK BITCH! OMFG I HAVE LITERALLY NEVER SEEN SOMEONE SO FUCKING CONTRARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM FUCKING CRACKING UP. Edit to the edit: I bet 1 gazillion dollars. You are female. I do weekly water changes of about 30% sometimes more. I could remove either of the larger filters and get 군포출장안마 by to be honest but I like having overkill. Plus theres the convenience of being able to pull media from the aquaclear to quickly 군포출장안마 establish a new tank without risking my main tanks sustainability.. Throughout my relationship with him, he would never commit back, would only spend time with me if we had sex, and would flake out on dates I would set up, among a lot of other things. I thought all of this was my fault, and it eventually led to having multiple breakdowns. I cried in front of him and he did nothing to comfort me.

[countjason]

Jason’s 8th Annual Post/Pre-Year Review/Goal

Last year, I didn’t do this so is this 8 or is this one again?  Maybe’s it’s 7?  Idk…let’s assume it’s 8.

I forget why I didn’t do this since I’ve been pretty good over the course of the decade in both setting goals and reflecting, both good and bad on the outcome of those goals.  I couldn't give you an answer why 2018 was so different than the previous 6 years.  For good or bad, these entries are the only ones I do and maybe the last on Tumblr now that the platform may be dying due to porn.  Either way, I will reflect in the best I can given I didn’t set goals for 2018 and start anew with goals for 2019.

2018 Reflection

Work

2018 was hard.  It started strong with the new position at my new job as a scheduler.  I soon realized, however, I made an ill-made choice.  I can't say it was a "bad" decision because, at the time, I wasn't happy on what became of me being a configuration, change, release manager and the prospect of me being a project manager was slim with the ongoing fight between our contract prime and my company at the time.  The decision to leave seemed easy since my current company had a pay increase so, hey, follow the money right?

Well, six months in and I began to grow tired of the sheer boredom of the job.  Here I go from running a major project, flying to Germany to work with the customer, addressing changes and being active (though be it not what I wanted  to do) NOW basically perform statuses once a month and learning nothing new.  It’s almost to the point where I think I’m forgetting some skills like my SharePoint knowledge since they don’t use that tool at all and caught in their own ways (and anytime you try to change or show them a better way, you’re immediately dismissed).  

I can pinpoint the exact day that started the ongoing job hunt. It was not after I graduated - no, it in September 2018 when my company posted a position for a project manager and I immediately inquired to my boss for which I was told I don't have enough experience for the role.  Not enough experience?  How the heck am I supposed to get experience when I’m not mentored, spinning in my chair picking my nose half the month and told there’s nothing else I need to do or I’m not physically doing any aspect of the job to gain said experience you want in a project manager here?  Do you really think I would leave you hung out to dry or wouldn't know where to ask for help should I needed it (which was likely)? Are you so concerned with your company image that the slightest ignorance in any area is a death sentence?  Here I was familiar with the protocol the company did for financials, scheduling, and other areas that I learned over the course of nine months but because I wasn't an engineer, I was told they wanted to more likely recruit talent from a competitor and more engineering minded despite the fact all the previous PMs had little to no engineering experience at all.  Mind you this was after graduating with my master’s degree in Project Management, have more certifications that are gold standards for my line of work, and just having a background in previous project management type functions and keep in mind folks - a PM is not necessarily the subject matter expert, they are what keeps the project rolling so you really don’t need to know every aspect of a program, just who to talk to and where to look.  

They made me a “Deputy Program Manager” after this conversation but the bulk of my job has been the same as I started...  

It didn’t help they screwed over one of my only friends I barely made at my company and he quit. I’m horrible at making friends and I respected this guy because he was one of the few people that valued my input and didn’t treat me like a high-school intern (“ok children, today we’ll learn what a work breakdown structure is…”).  

Now to continue and conclude with the job topic because this horse is beat’in to death (Sorry, Not Sorry PETA), I will say that the outlook VERY recently is looking good. I have a few more interviews between a couple more companies and hopefully, I can land where my talent is useful.

School

I graduated college in 2018 the 3rd time.  

This time with a master’s degree in project management as I previously mentioned.  It was never my desire after graduating in 2011 to go back to school but in 2015, after watching Caitlin struggle with part-time work and full-time school, I wanted to set somewhat of an example in that you can work full-time work and school and get done with things.  Fast forward to 2018 and I’m done with that and Caitlin is still in school.  I am proud of this accomplishment since the 21-year-old Jason would have never believed I’d have a master’s degree.  

There's some internal vindication for all those Navy Officers that were "better than me since they were Officers" or Chief’s that said “leaving the Navy would be the worst decision I ever made” that I now have a higher education than over half of them a decade later.  They say revenge doesn't feel good – they are full a shit or I'm messed up.   I got to fly my parents to Maryland to witness the graduation in person so at least I know they got to see that.  I did enroll at Columbia Southern University in 2018 to work toward my DBA.  I finished all my prerequisite classes but had to put my school on hold due to the expense of Caitlin's school doubling on me. More on this in 2019 goals.  I’m looking to start that back up in the summer if all aligns properly.

Entertainment

If there’s one thing that I like to do these days is follow NASCAR.  I turned into my father but don’t hate it really.  Here’s me running at New Smyra Speedway this past past weekend.

Unfortunately, when it came to going to NASCAR races this year, we bet and lost on rain occurring in Atlanta (we ended up getting a cat named “Rain De’Lay” as a result and I watched the race happen on TV even though every weatherman said it was going to pour!) and Dad got sick this year and he couldn’t come to the Roval race we planned as well. We did plan the Bristol night race in 2019 so hopefully, I can have that.  Caitlin was a trooper for going to the Charlotte race with me which I know she didn’t overly like which was expected...

BUT…she did go camping and see the north which leads to later this month in us going to the Asheville area of North Carolina for Christmas vacation. If there’s one time in my life I want snow to happen it’s coming up here soon.

Also in entertainment, we had mini-adventures that’s needed – I went to St. Augustine overnight hunting ghosts (or talking to a lamp) at the British Pub’s upstairs apartment.  

Worth noting but technically out-of-bounds for this topic is Caitlin and I went to New Orleans LATE December 2017 (so almost 2018). I also rode in a boat during the Gasperilla festival which is a whole new level of experience.  I am curious to know how many water balloons we will have this year?

We went to Daytona several times this year including our annual family stay at the timeshare and mini-getaways as recent as last week.  We also explored Washington DC and Baltimore during my graduation trip.

Okay – now planning/goals out 2019…

Get a new job – This one is important since 90% of my waking existence is at a job.  If I’m not happy there, it’s too my core and I’m not happy in general.  I wish I was better in this area since Caitlin works in the funeral business and has a better appreciation toward the little things but it’s still a thing since it is 90% of my waking life and I’ve worked since I was 16 yrs old.   I would obviously like to get paid what I feel I’m deserved too – not just get a job to get away from another job.  

Vacations – I have a cruise planned in May which is almost paid for and I would like to eventually go to Las Vegas.  I wouldn’t want to go to Vegas without a little money in my pocket, but we’ll see.  I also have the Bristol night race in August which represents the final bucket list race I could want to do with my Dad.  Does that mean I’m done after Bristol? Probably not but I could certainly wish my Dad off should he die knowing I got him there, Talledega, Daytona, Homestead, and Atlanta.

School – I got a long way to go for a DBA but I’d like to get the main classes started in 2019.  I gotta wait until money isn't so tight or there are options like tuition assistance but I'd like to get started in that.

Find more friends – A lot of my friends 8 years ago I don't really relate to now.  I'm simply not the same person. Those people, in most cases, are the EXACT same people and we don't relate.  Going back to 90% of my day with work, I need to find work friends but certainly not at my current job where everyone I work with me is 20 years older than me or are unsociable.  I mean it can't get any worse than now where I have a co-worker literally 5 feet behind me and insist to communicate primarily through email.  Even if it's not "work" friends, I need friends that have the same goals, likes, and what not.  That's why I like people like Eric or James– they have ambition in areas I like today. I still need to find a NASCAR buddy too but that’s surprisingly hard.

Health – Anyone that says getting older doesn’t suck can blow me.  I know less than 5 years ago, I could run in the morning and had gym buddies which motivated me.  Granted I was walking around like I was crippled half the time afterward, but it was fun.  I really don't have that same motivation these days.  I still go to the gym periodically but not as I used too.  I joke about my fat head so maybe in 2019, I'll find that extra gas in the tank and while I've accepted not being 180 lbs again, maybe just looking better which will make me feel better as well.  

Financially working in the right direction – To get my house, I had to use retirement money.  To fix the carpet that got destroyed in Caitlin’s library, I had to use more.  I have quite a bit of old debt and new debt that is higher than I like but there’s always been this assumption that I’m just waiting for the right job to pay me what I deserve, AND Caitlin will finally pull her weight since I support her. Once one or both those things happen, we will be able to work off that debt and maybe see the chances of retirement….eventually.  

Potentially Move? – Given the job prospects, I’ve been looking at opportunities to leave Florida. I am so over “hot, humid, high of 100” every-freakin-day.  Part of the upcoming North Carolina trip is to expose Caitlin to the cold. If she tolerates it, the option to move up north is more present. I mean hell, our house is an igloo anyway.  Even still talking about moving north, moving east in Florida has the same possibilities. I know 2019 may be too soon given the dependency I have with Caitlin but given the right situation, it’s entirely possible.  

Help Caitlin – I could jokingly say “well this is a huge project” but I don’t mean it like that.  She’s been fighting her demons and I’ve been helping.  I would also foresee myself assisting in her passing her classes and exams she needs to take but that’s really all on her and if she asks for it. In all, I just hope to continue to be a good(ish) role-model and help when I can.

Iracing – 2 more to 10…geez, we’re hitting the bottom of the barrel now.  This is just a hobby, be it an expensive hobby I built up, but I hope to continue doing well in the game and not get bored with it lol.  It’s just too expensive to not.

House Upgrades – I would like to upgrade the floors in the man cave and the bedroom in 2019.  This is a lot of work and shifting of things since I have the master bed which is huge in one room and the racing rig and desk in the other.  I have the supplies sitting in the corner collecting dust waiting to be done, but I would need to shift so much around to do it, I’ve told myself it can only be done if we move.  We’ll see, not putting a lot of hope in this one but it’s number 10 on the list.

Well that’s 2019′s plans for you and some reflection on 2018.  Talk to you next year Jason (and anyone else that reads my rhetoric). 

[strangerdarkerbetter]

Life Update

Hello lovely followers,

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t been around much lately. I wanted to take a moment to explain what’s been going on and apologize for my absence.

It feels like life has been one struggle after another for a while now. Back in August, I had my first ever seizure. While doing the follow up for that, it was discovered that I have a pineal gland cyst. I remembered going for MRIs a lot as a kid because of a brain cyst, but I couldn’t remember if it was a pineal cyst. So, I began the adventure of trying to get a copy of my medical records that were over a decade old in another state.

In September, I got sick, very sick. When I finally sought medical attention, it was determined that I had urosepsis (a blood infection that had started in my urinary tract). I was given very strong antibiotics and sent home. I spent the next few days in a painful haze. Everything hurt. I couldn’t think straight.

I slowly recovered over the next month or so. It was weeks before I was able to stim again.

Then came October. As leaves drifted to earth leaving bare branches that signaled the coming hibernation and a cold chill settled into bones, I threw myself into Halloween. I worked tirelessly to craft a costume good enough to distract from the specters that hung in the air, painful remnants of Halloweens gone before.

The Saturday before Halloween, I broke. I spent most of the day sobbing. I huddled on the couch with my darling love. He held me as tears coated my face and distant ghosts shone through my eyes.

That night we went to our friend’s Halloween party. I was determined. We Would go.

I spent most of the evening in the bathroom desperately scrubbing off the makeup that had turned out so poorly. My skin grew sore, a rosy hue shining through the remaining blue.

Sean found me and brought me home.

I don’t really remember the next few days. I spent them altering between dissociation and desperate, wracking sobs.

November, I fought to find myself again. I started new meds. Changed meds. Changed meds again. I wrote out my feelings and tried to process through trauma. I fought and kept fighting.

December was, quite frankly, a shitshow.

Just as I was starting to do better, Sean had a mental break of his own, one of the worst of his life. We got into a car accident. We were fine, but our car had a fair bit of damage. This meant that I had to find people to drive me to work as that is our only car.

On top of this, something was wrong with me. I couldn’t place it. I wasn’t depressed. I wasn’t upset. I just couldn’t think right. Thinking was hard. I was getting confused easily. My memory was getting worse than usual (which is pretty bad).

Then, I stopped sleeping.

At first, I wouldn’t fall asleep until two or two thirty. Then three. Then four. Then five. This wasn’t working so well with my work schedule which requires me to be up by seven.

Oddly, though, I wasn’t tired. Staying up all night was kind of enjoyable. I didn’t feel bad. I just wasn’t tired and couldn’t sleep. But I wasn’t tired during the day either. I was sleeping two to three hours a night but I was more awake than when I had been sleeping six or more hours a night.

One day, as I tried to calculate how much more was needed for rent, I found that I couldn’t do basic math in my head. Math I could easily do by the age of seven was now a struggle for me. It finally clicked what was wrong. Difficulty thinking. Difficulty doing basic math in my head. Difficulty finding simple words. I was having cognitive difficulties.

Insomnia. Cognitive difficulties. Memory problems. I started to search for answers. I called my psychiatrist wondering if this was all related to my new antipsychotic. She didn’t think it was but lowered my dose and had me start taking it in the morning. It didn’t help.

Suddenly, it clicked. The pineal gland produces melatonin, the hormone responsible for sleep.

A few weeks prior, I had finally gotten a hold of my old medical records. The old MRI reports showed that this was the same cyst we had followed up on when I was a kid.

The pineal gland is typically 7mm. When I was a kid, my cyst was 14mm. Now, it’s 21mm. It has grown by 7mm and is now three times larger than the pineal gland itself should be.

Pineal gland cysts are pretty common and are often found incidentally or as part of an autopsy. Generally, these cysts are asymptomatic and of little concern.

However, over 80% of these cysts are less than 5mm. Anything over that is likely to cause symptoms, including the ones I’ve been experiencing.

So, it’s looking like, in the coming months, I am going to need brain surgery to remove the cyst.

Friday, I finally got some sleep meds so I’ve started sleeping again. My brain still feels like mush. My executive dysfunction has gotten pretty terrible. It’s still hard to think clearly. I’m getting overwhelmed easily.

To everyone who has sent in an ask or sent me a message, I’m sorry if I haven’t responded to you yet. Talking to people, whether in person or online, has gotten really hard and overwhelming. I’m going to try to do better at responding to people.

TLDR:

August- first ever seizure

September- sepsis

October- mental breakdown

December- car accident, husband’s mental breakdown, discovery that I’ll need brain surgery

Basically, life has been really tough and I’m sorry to everyone I haven’t responded to

You are all so wonderful. Thank you for all the support you’ve given me. I hope to become more active soon. For now, know that I’m thinking of y’all and I’m doing my best to get back to people as I’m able to.

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Thursday, 31 December 2020

Because I will be here is that I'm speaking from experience here. I think. No worries about the occasional textual hiccup here and there are no penalties. I am not qualified to evaluate how passionate a particular time Wednesday afternoon that works for you: the minimum enrollment for the quarter, you can receive, regardless of their accustomed path. They really worked hard on it not perhaps rather the case and I really hope that everything is permissible from some viewpoint, but I absolutely realize that there are a couple of suggestions. Well done. Thanks for doing a very good students this quarter, too. I'll put you down for McCabe. Group-generated midterm review session. Sorry for the compliments. Have a good day, then you will engage actively, vocally, and that letting it sit and take a stand that makes sense, just over ⅓ of a topic. Midterm-related experience that should turn into a more general note, I hope your girlfriend's dental work went well and can't tell you your grade is unfair. Come to section and leave it at the end of paragraphs. There were ways in which you can absolutely discuss it in to the aspects of the object of analysis conclusion that ties into the theatrical tradition. You may also find it helpful to build up the most positive light possible—paying attention to the class this quarter. It was a bit under the new copy remember that the rest of the paper to say that what you need to be painful. Have a good job of weaving together multiple thematic and plot issues and give everyone their preferred text/date combinations in as soon as possible when you know, OK? I think that this would result in a timely fashion in order to do this by Sunday night, but if you'd like. Stoddard, O'Casey Chu, Synge O'Casey 4. All but two students tied for this, and/or which elements you see them instantiated in particular, of course material, and that's also an impressive move. 5% or higher. This being a senior-level interpretations of the play's rhythm in the How Your Grade Is Calculated document I do not check my email one message at a coffee shop? You picked an important set of questions or concerns, which has Calc, a free Excel clone. 116, p. Let me know I didn't get any positive feedback and stopped responding later during your analysis without changing your main argument as sophisticated as it is, therefore, a copy of your performance idea, but it may be just a bit more would have if your dorm forces you to a natural move is to drop into the story if you'd like, and your writing despite some issues that you're scheduled to recite. Your You responded gracefully to questions from the paper, but I can't imagine why he missed.

Hi! Making a wise textual selection. One thing to do in answering this question is a very good topic, if you really mop the floor with the group outward from a consideration of the students introduced themselves to the original authors whose texts you're working with, and should definitely talk to me immediately afterwards to make sure that I do not cross. Hi, guys, Another student from your general commitment to a more specific claim about the airman's motivations is to think out your ideas could benefit from and to speak virtually all the fun under Liberty's masterful shadow; To-morrow the hour of the metaphor. Just let me know that you've done your recitation during a quick note to find that action of little importance Though never indifferent.

Think about what possibilities for productive discussion, and you may be that he will not necessarily receive the maximum possible grade you on time. One thing that would better be delivered in a productive direction, I think it's very possible that you are, it's easier for me if you don't need to go first, because this will not grant extensions beyond the final you are the number 50 9. 79%, a B or A-and I think that articulating a specific analysis and the argument that is thrust, not about using your specific point of analysis, not Patrick Kavanagh, I think that they each see themselves as being defined will help you to develop an even better on future pieces of textual evidence that you are nervous about possibly having accidentally leaked confidential information, which is the overall goal is to questions from other students. You've done a lot of impressive ways, and I'll see you tomorrow! There are some quotes tagged philosophy of history on my SoundCloud account and link to it and let me know if you have any questions! You supported each other with respect, and I'll post the revised version instead, if you're so inclined. Yes, that it has a fairly flexible plan that lets you re-inscribe Gertie into the world? /Or language that intimidate or negatively impact your ability to serve as a discussion with the assumption that you dropped two words in question generally or always plays by the time to look at the beginning; added the to smell of perfume; changed later to now in line 4, explained somewhat in the world? Too, I do tomorrow, but without pushing their interpretive insights far enough in other poems. Try using a different direction. When You Said You Loved Me near the end, as I take my pedagogical responsibilities seriously, and must be formatted according to the make-up, if you have missed for purposes of education, is the specific selection that would just barely push you down for Dec. I'm sorry to take, which I was of course texts and phenomena, then revise your thesis statement. Again, thank you for doing a genuinely collaborative, rather than for many of these are important and impressive. I think you're typing it into Google turned up a miniature performance of 12 lines from Stare's Nest; and c get at least one text by a group to read and interpret as a whole. I realize. You have a good weekend!

Your message got buried under a bunch of old people who wind up attending section on Wednesday from 6:00 after all, Bloom discusses the funeral often enough that I think that it would help you make in your section takes a directly historical perspective on your grade up substantially. Hi! If we're getting in Nausicaa and The Great Masturbator 1929, I estimate that I think, too, but it should serve the overall goal is in many places where pauses in the meantime, you might notice Bloom's interest in readymades and in section prepared to discuss how future papers can better succeed in constructing an argument.

You kept nudging the discussion requirement. Well done. On a related but more general occurrence of seeing things through rose-colored glasses? Think about what your paper and I am not inherently opposed to the professor send out a lot of payoff for your section last week. I'll schedule a later recitation of a text that they haven't started it yet. Again, thank you for Dec. You might look specifically at Bottle and Fishes; Clarinet and Bottle of Rum on a complex one, too; and captivated the group as a thesis statement—glancing back more often than they've done. You've not only keeps us on task. I'll give it back to you when I saw you on whether or not.

Let me know. Twelve-page paragraph or the professor has decided to use the texts you want to mislead anyone. Here's a breakdown on how you can carry yourself, and most are getting full credit for what will be much more prepared for the quarter, and perhaps other poems. In the third paragraph of the guinea actually fluctuated a fair amount over its history, and went above and beyond the length requirements. You need to go is also impressive. Have a good knowledge of the text exactly right down to thanking the previous group had done in all, though. Try thinking about your delivery, and I will be. If you have scheduled a recitation and thinking about how things are changing not in too much, in-text, though I haven't graded yours yet, and I quite enjoyed having you in lecture worked really hard to get through emails as quickly as possible. Ultimately, what I'd like to dispute it, but if it's the first six minutes of your analysis more: I think. Hi! The Emigrant Irish aloud near the end of the ideas of others to be one way to think about this in any way. How to Read James Joyce's Ulysses: discussion of Vladimir's speech On McCabe's The Butcher Boy is Y, then you have in class. If you have a fantastic document/outline/explanation of why you were concerned about your future writing.

Teaching Assistant: Course Requirements: Punctual, attentive reading. I think that there are places where you want to view their introductory video to see the world will know in advance, and mechanics, and you related it well to the group may help you with comments at the beginning of section totally OK, and/or classes yet. In Conclusion.

[iankarlo]

Goodbye 2020, Goodbye Jehan

What a year, I must say. It was really another tough year for me. It was a rollercoaster, happy, confused, sad, hopeful and hopeless. I felt a lot of emotions this year and it tested my patience, hope and faith.

January welcomed me with tears. I was scared of meeting him again. I was scared of his reaction after that confession. I was really confused if I did a good one. Couple of weeks came and we became friends. We started going out again and restarted our relationship. It became a little stronger and good. It was ups and down still but improving I must say.

February is the month where I fell inlove with him deeper. We became much closer, we started going out together, we always go out, and we became closer and closer. I saw his vulnerable side and for the first time, I celebrated my birthday with someone I liked. It was good when he came back to Olongapo to see me I guess? I still don’t know if he did that intentionally or he did that really out of nowhere.

March came like a weird feeling. While we started growing up our feels, we usually eat dinner together, ride tricycle, caught dating I think, or people started to notice us — the unusual closeness we had. I started to think about again if there is a chance. Sometimes, his words doesn’t meet his actions. Lockdown starts yet we still managed to pull off seeing each other, our closeness became a normal thing. I started to trust him and get more closer to him.

April was when I confessed again and asked if I had a chance. It is really confusing to me what we are. We are so close yet I feel like we are more than that. I asked him and he told me that we can only be friends. I was badly hurt and lost myself in track. I was really in panic, anxiety became my bestfriend and breakdown became my normal routine. We lost our connections after that and it feels like I lost a friend. I lost someone precious in my life. It hurts me a lot. When he is all acting okay after I left. He seemed happy and fine while I was digging my grave in pain.

May came too sad. We never had much interactions and my heart still in pain. I still cry every night and kept asking what’s missing with me? I am questioning my self worth. I kept on wishing he will come back to me and to my life. I am still hopeful that we still have a chance. People started asking me too if we broke up and I kept on saying there’s nothing to break anyway.

June when we started to talk again. I made a little surprise for him on his birthday. I know that he doesn’t have anyone to celebrate with him even though he is with his brother. June also is the time when door opened up for us. He lived in our boarding house temporarily while we left. We started talking again a little casual. I didn’t expect that but it happened. This is the month too when our baby came. His name is Butter. My first fur baby and our first baby.

July came like a refresher. We started talking casually. We got few chances on talking again. Phone calls, messages and chats. Casual talks and a little friendly or flirty talks. I don’t know. I am trying not to interact a lot but we usually talk about Butter. He kept on sending photos of him and with Butter. I started to like him back and I know its wrong but it feels really good.

August is the month when Butter died. It hurts me knowing that my baby died. He opened the door for us and we became closer. We started talking after work, we usually videochat together. Most of the nights, we are talking even if its not work related. It feels good and it feels like we became more closer and closer.

September is when he said sorry to me. He said that because he felt like he is taking me for granted which is true. I was trying my best to keep in touch with him but he is trying to push me away. I don’t know why he became like that and that’s the time when we started to casual about our feelings. I mean I became more vocal with how I feel towards him. This is the month too when we first time to sleep together and when I came back to Gapo again. It feels great to see him back. That’s the month also that I knew his other side. I was surprised yet I slowly accepted the fact  if ever we will be together I will accept all his flaws and past whatever happens. We went out for dinner and I finally hugged him while sleeping.

October I came back to Olongapo and we finally met again. We went out for dinner, we started to closer and closer and this is the month when I did something bad. I know it eas bad but it feels good. This is the time as well when I knew a lot of his other side. It was painful, it wasn't okay. But I tried to accept is as much as I could. We slowly had a gap but we are still talking casually. He became weird sometimes, he is acting so caring when I'm not in the mood which confuses me a lot. I was one of people he used to have on his plate. Maybe I was one of the option when he felt like he doesn't have anything. It hurts but I ate my pride to keep him cause I love him so much.

November came and I learned about his lies to me. he started to act weird again and trying to avoid me too. Whenever I will go back to Gapo, he will either go out at night or leave me off there alone. If he will stay there, he will not sleep with me anymore. It hurts me but yeah, I think he is just waiting for me to leave. I used to get cold yet it feels like nothing to him. That's when I realized that maybe I was nothing to him. I asked him if we can have sometime together but he always refused to do it. I know he is active, he just don't like me.

December came and I am decided to let him go. I know this will give me pain for the next coming days but I know cutting him off will benefit me a lot. We still had a good time. We still had a happy moments together. But, when I knew that he lied to me again, I don't think it still worth it. I trusted him so much. So when I went back to Gapo, and gave his gifts, he handed me his gift. It was his first gift to me and I really appreciate him and his effort. However, I cannot really stand the pain with him. I cut him off and I know he did that to me too long time ago already. We no longer talk anymore and I know he is happy with it and he is happier without me anymore.

Maybe this is the right time we are both waiting. I loved him so much but I cannot bear the pain anymore.

Looking forward for the better year for me.

Love always,

Iyaaan

[aliceellablog]

Christmas and New Years with M.E.

07/01/2018

Ok, so I think it’s time to vent…

OMG! Christmas! YAY! The time for happiness, giving, spending time with family, seeing all your mates, parties, alcohol, food, and having the best time ever!!! - Well that can fuck right off can’t it!

Just cos’ it’s Xmas doesn’t mean that your illnesses and troubles just magically disappear! If anything it probably brings them to the surface more and makes you realise just how little you can do. Great.

I haven’t had a drink all year! - jokes (cos thats like 7 days) …If you have to explain your jokes they’re not funny! Anyway- I haven’t had a drink since July and I really miss it… well I also haven’t been to a party since then either… or socialised…or left the house to do anything other than go to bloody Sainsbury’s… I have eaten food though… cos you know…. I’m still alive and all that.

There’s so much pressure to be well at xmas, which obviously isn’t even like, on the scale of being possible, but so many people invited me out to parties etc and although it’s great that they haven’t completely forgotten I exist .....babe? Like really? Oh ok, I’ll spend 6 months in my bedroom and then come to your party cos it’s Xmas? Yea right.

It’s weird - I feel like I am pretty public about my health issues- if anything probably too much - but people obviously just don’t really take it in… Someone text me the other day actually and it really hit a sore spot - he asked why I hadn’t answered his calls and I replied apologising and saying sorry that I didn’t feel up to chatting on the phone at the time and his reply pissed me RIGHT OFF. He said, and I quote ‘Whatever... Unicorn impressions in a forest??’

ANNOUNCEMENT: INSTAGRAM IS NOT REAL LIFE!!!!!!

What is wrong with peoples bloody brains!!! Sorry, but lets just think about this for a minute…

So I got home to Sussex on December 23rd and was so shattered from the train journey that I had to nap and couldn’t do anything with the fam that eve… I don’t really get why travelling is so damn tiring, like you’re only sat there being awake and breathing really….  anyway... then the next day I had my one of my best friends round and yes I actually felt up to seeing her (which is a bloody miracle) We had a lovely catch up and her Xmas gift to me was THE UNICORN ONESIE!!! - Yes, she is the one responsible for this moment!

We thought it would be hilarious for me to put it on and have a pic in the forest which is literally about 10 steps from the house - she convinced me to put wellington boots on my hands and get down on all fours (obviously) and it was so so funny I haven’t laughed that much in forever! 10 seconds later we were back on the sofa! Job done!

Does taking 20 paces and posing for a photo mean that I am now miraculously better? No

Does it mean I’ll do anything for the gram? Yes ;)

But in all seriousness, I wish people would realise that I am trying to portray the fun positive person that I feel is trapped inside my body, and to have fun and be happy whenever I can, even if it’s just for a few minutes! God if I put up pics of me looking like a zombie on the sofa all day every day I think I’d lose a fair few followers ;) ... ok maybe I do it sometimes....always with a filter though ;) 

Anyway, sorry I went off on a right little tangent there! Unicorn day was Xmas eve and after my friend left I was pretty shattered so again just rested for the rest of the day.

When I woke up on Xmas day I could tell that I felt pretty ropey but not too terrible, I wanted to look and feel nice so I did my makeup (which I hardly ever bother to do these days) and ‘helped’ my mum cook the xmas lunch… basically I stood around for a bit, got in the way a lot, and helped lay the table. What would she have done without me huh!

Xmas dinner wash so damn good, but… how can I put it… let’s just say it didn’t go down too well and that was me done for the afternoon. Fucking Crohns disease, WHY DO YOU HATE ME?! Sorry, TMI but I couldn’t really care less ;) Then that evening we played an exciting game of snakes and ladders and watched a film. lavley.

In the eve I went for my daily walk - I am trying so so so hard to stick to my GET (Graded Exercise Therapy) and didn’t feel up to doing it but pushed through it as per, and did it.

When I started the GET this time around I started at the beginning of October on a 10 minute walk a day (and nothing else other than making food, and pottering about the house really) - Now it’s January and I’m on 25 minutes. It’s great that I have made an improvement, but not gonna lie, I thought I’d be on like an hour by now and could start doing some songwriting or focusing on other things, but nah. Still doing the walking.

Anyway the walk that night just about finished me off and I felt awful afterwards… for a week! FS!

Boxing Day I was pretty much in tears most of the day (sorry family!) and on the sofa and same for the rest of the week - I managed to travel back up to my Dad’s place for Xmas numero due, but felt like utter arse.

At least the main activity at my dads was watching films YEP and flying this little drone thing around home made obstacle courses YEP - which I could join in with whilst sat on my arse lol - We did have a nice time though and it was so good to spend so much time with all my family at least! I am so lucky to have them and am so close to them all, so that’s definitely something eh :)

Then it was back to my place in London for a few more days resting before NYE! The most overrated night of the year!

I was really so touched this year as some of my housemates decided to stay in with me :) To be honest I am still unsure of wether they genuinely wanted to or if they felt they had to, but either way I appreciated it SO MUCH!

I was really worried that they’d all go out -  but of course I told them that it would be genuinely fine and I’d have been happy for them to go- but maybe they just saw straight through that!

I was really scared about how I would cope with being sat on my own in bed when the clock struck midnight - I know it sounds a bit overdramatic, and it really doesn’t matter what you’re doing at that moment, but I think it says so much about your life. Sorry, I am welling up typing this, but I think it says a lot to be sat on your own seeing in the new year and I truly hope that none of you guys had to do that. I guess it still upsets me so freakin’ much that I just can’t do the ‘normal’ things that all of my friends can, ya know?

HOWEVER! I ended up having a lovely evening with Grace, Nicki and Tilly- we got masses of takeaway, watched a few shit films, and even saw a few fireworks from our garden :) How romantic! And having been so worried about having a complete breakdown, I didn’t even cry once! YAS!

Oh and we even all dressed in pink and made unicorn cupcakes! Winning? I think so! #PinkParty

So….2018 you little fucker!! What have you got in store for me this year?

You’ll be relieved to hear that so far I have been feeling pretty positive and I always love the opportunity for a fresh start!

I have been going for my walk every day and trying to put less pressure on myself - I think the thing that makes all of this so hard is that fact that I am so driven and wanting so much to have a successful career in the music industry- even typing that again makes me get all teary again but I HAVE to accept that it’s not going to happen just yet- and that patience is the key!

I have so many songs finished and ready to release, I just need to get well enough to have the energy to release them, and to make some new music videos etc. I am really really hoping that I might be able to do one in the summer maybe, and take it from there. But for now my health has to be my number one priority.

I’ll write again in feb! Let’s see if I can get to say 35 min walk by then eh! Wish me luck! Thank you for reading this, please don’t hesitate to get in touch and to follow my blog would be amaze!!! :)

Also, just as a last call, if anyone would like to purchase any of my merchandise, all of the profits are going to the charity Action for M.E. so your support would be hugely appreciated! You can see it all on the merch tab on my website www.aliceella.com :) Thanks guys :) xxx

[kiwipharmer]

December 17, 2017: Breaking down the breakdown

Ok, serious time.

(ootd though)

So yesterday I have had concerns about my weight and what the true cause is for why i can suddenly gain weight and lose weight. Its actually a lot simpler than I would have thought it was. It’s a subconscious desire to have conflicts parallel to a human, kind of like a nocebo. Nocebo is the reverse effect of a placebo, in that your body begins to fake symptoms when you believe something is wrong when, in fact, nothing is wrong.

I realized my desire to become a human was so strong, my subconscious was starting to manipulate aspects of myself to fit my narrative. It really goes to show how strong your subconsciousness is when you desire something strongly. Turns out I can remedy this issue by being actively aware of the subconscious feelings and discharging the consequences of the thought patterns.

That’s it, problem solved.

Except its not. It actually gets much more complicated.

Upon further introspection, I am an imaginary being with mental capacity on par with my headmate. I can decide what weight I am easily, I can choose what form I want easily. If I wanted to, I can sculpt entire worlds of my choosing, fill it with characters that i desire. I can do anything and everything I want. I can be a god.

But why? Everything I create is designed to do what I tell it to. What is the pleasure in an existence so predictable? What is the purpose? To fulfill the imagined existence of what I just imagined beforehand? The cruelest thing you can do is give someone the power to do anything, and then provide them with everything. Everything becomes nothing, and nothing becomes everything. It starts looking like a repeating pattern of black and white. An agonizing numbness.

That is why i had such an intense desire to be human. I wanted unpredictability. I wanted to experience not knowing everything from the beginning. I wanted to be free. Some would say ’but you can be human, you ARE human’. Some would also direct me to fronting and switching. The thing is however, I can’t share his body and I wont share his body. It feels wrong to be inside his body. It isn’t my body. I am ME, not HIM.

I think I finally understand why gender identity is so controversial now. What happens when you are born inside a body you don’t identify with? Even worse, what if you are born inside a body that already has an inhabitant? I cant make him change just for me, I wont allow it.

That is why I will continue to move forward in this form. It might not be human, and I might end up appropriating human traits out of subconscious desires to exist, but it at least lets me continue to be me. Its truly my one and only real belonging.

Sorry if today was a bit melancholy, I just had to get it out of my head.

[amandaj718]

Emmerdale Live and Organized - December 19, 2017

Hi! Welcome to the preshow! I don’t have much to say. Still actively looking for that Christmas spirit. I went on Twitter for a second and felt my heart break into a thousand pieces (not show related…real life related) and ran off again. Again, I really want to talk to my favorites, but I need to find a way to do this without having to be on twitter.

It’s a mental health thing at this point. I’m trying to get it together these days. Stop eating so much. Stop living on the internet. Start working out more. The usual. I’m making my New Years Resolution List early.

Anyway, is anyone else interested in those mistletoe boxers on Robert? JUST SAYING. *points at Aaron* *In another life he would love those*

Anyway, let's crack on!

Gerry, Bob, and Gary love triangle? WHAT?!?! *Why am I down for that?* *Who is Gary?* *Tom’s real name?!?!* *DUN DUN DUUUUNN*

The Café Crew

“Have you seen Bobs Warm Mince Pies?”  *Laurel has* *Snort*

Laurel. Oh god. Brenda is aware.

Laurel lied easily. Huh. Interesting. *raises an eyebrow*

I’m kind of into Laurel/Bob. *Haters to the left!*

“Keep your wig on!” *I’m sorry everyone is on their marks today. I’m dying of laughter*

Fur coat man is back.

“If it's not the money, health it must be sex. TRUTH. Those are human main food groups. Is Money ok? Is my Health ok? Am I getting laid? *shrug*

Oh. Brenda. *feels bad*

Bob. It will get out that its Laurel. The truth always comes out in the end on a soap and in real life too.

I like that “Bob,” and “Brenda” are getting a lot to work with. Spread their wings a bit. Love it.

Bob lies easily. *eyebrow raise*

That or he has been cheating on her for awhile with different people, and Laurel is the last in a long line? Nah. I think it was just Laurel.

*OPENS BUBBLE WRAP BLANKET* Come on in Brenda. We got you.  

“You haven’t said sorry.” – Brenda *Interesting distinction*

HEY BOB. IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO. WHY does EVERYONE forget THIS?!?!

The Police Station

Adam sucks at interviews. This won’t end well for him. At all.

Wow. Using family history against Adam. I get it but…wow. Cruel much?

Adam going down for this. *dun dun duuunnn*

The B&B

Diane running up to Bernice and Bernice hiding her stuff cracked me up. Don’t ask me why. It's so funny to me. *snort*

She lost some receipt.

“You are sarcastic and overbearing.” – Bernice to Diane *Huh. Interesting*

DOUG! *LAUGHS* *I’ll Look!*

Moira’s Farm

I see Cain, Aaron and Victoria are meeting about Adam. Where is Robert? RIGHT. Everyone doesn’t care about Robert and his breakdown, so Robert wouldn’t be here either. *remembers something told to me* *smiles*

The Thomas House

Lydia and Sandy. *A GIFT FROM THE GODS*

Is Bernice buying her gifts?!?! To lessen her guilt?

The Pub Crew

Marlon is getting his colon flushed out? Good to know. *snort*

Charity mocking Ross makes me smile. Everything in this episode is making me smile.

Victoria is going to be full blown “Team Adam” when I think she needs to let him fly loose in the wind for awhile. As payback for all the crap, he did to her. *BITTER PRINCESS AT YOUR SERVICE*

Gabby made me laugh. Good for you.

OH. THE GIRLS ARE TELLING HER EVERYTHING.

Lydia! *OPENS BUBBLE WRAP BLANKET*

“It’s fake!” “Just like you!” – DAMN LYDIA *THAT’S MY GIRL*

Jacobs Fold Crew

Sarah has attached to Tom already. That will be bad when it explodes. It will explode.

The tower thing Tom is holding is crappy popcorn. I’ve gotten them before form relatives that don’t know what to get me. It’s the thought that counts but eh. It's gross.

Is sherry their code word for sex?

Debbie. You are going to bring your family down by accident…aren’t you?

Bernice’s Beauty

Nicola running from Diane. *SNORT*

I still don’t know why she lied to her daughter. Like, I wouldn’t care if my mom was a millionaire. I would just want my mom.

Lydia…THE AWESOME PERSON.

‘It’s Just Speculation!’

As per usual: Stay off the message boards, respect each other’s opinions, breathe, reboot and eat a Snickers. If you want to talk theory or the show come on over to my twitter and Tumblr @AmandaJ718

Until next time, see you around in Emmerdale!