#sorry for the long reply but there is so much to unpack bc this issue is so pervasive in the christian scene uuuughhh

[papirouge]

Sorry for using your inbox to vent, but im literally so fucking tired of misogynystic christians on Tumblr. Like the ammount of christian males here who absolutely hate women is simply astounding... And i was just visiting this guys Tumblr blog where he refered to women as bitches and whores, said we were subjective and emotional and that women simple werent as smart as men... And then he had the audacity to say that women hate each other! Men who claim that always seem to be projecting.

First thing first, I don't think anyone speaking that way about women is a Christian to begin with lol BUT you have a point in that some "Christian" men on this platform entertain a weird hate boner for women and the most infuriating thing is......that it gets unchecked because Christian women are TERRIFIED of being assimilated with feminist by calling out outspoken misogyny!!!

I've seen waaay too much Christian girls who came out like the "not like other girls" mingling with incel tier 𝖓𝖚 𝖙𝖗𝖆𝖉𝖒𝖊𝖓 clowning women on the regular, and make posts stating how they don't like being other women bEcAuSe thEy'Re sO cATtY.... Interestingly, you'll NEVER see any man say they dislike being around other men....🤔 *something, something about female socialization to devalue fellow women as a come up🥴*

The other day there was a post from a Christian woman celebrating Women's Day and she was like "yeah, I know this is a feminist celebration but celebrating women is important 🥺" and I was like WHO CARES IF THAT'S A FEMINIST THING?? SINCE WHEN IS CELEBRATING WOMEN "FEMINIST"? BABE IF YOU WANT TO USE IT AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHOUT OUT WOMEN JUST DO IT😭 IDG this defensiveness about celebrating womanhood and make a PSA for everyone to know this is totally not remotely affiliated to these heathens of feminists lmao ...Like, who cares? Do you think these male Christian LARPers reblogging from groomers and misogynists feel compelled to pull out "I don't endorse these toxic masculinity behaviors but I like this post uwu" disclaimer??? THEY DON'T CARE!! so should any Christian woman whenever tackling "feminists" topics. Speaking up about embracing your womanhood and the importance to defend women is not unbiblical or sinful, so this tiptoeing about it is crazy to me!!

A few days ago I got a fall out with a Christian girl (in retrospect, not sure if she was truly saved seeing how toxic and unnecessary rude she turned out about it) who literally freaked out when I pointed out that man-strocking didn't help men and rather blindsided them about their own flaws and shortcomings.

To be a king, one have to behave like such, and it's ridiculous to see how some Christian women are out there raving about men for simply existing or doing the bare minimum when men will NEVER return the favor. I am not saying this for them to stop doing this (they can be simp if they can see fit, I'm not their mom), but....maybe this unbalanced dynamic should ring some bells?

Sorry but you can't mock feminists for doing the most about womanhood while doing the same for men lol At least feminist are doing something ultimately benefitting for them (women). Women man-strocking men? not that sure. Horny tradmen on this hellsite aren't that much of a catch, if you see what I mean...

And no, I'm not talking about complimenting (I know that some men do compliment women), I'm talking about "man-strocking" and the imperious need of some (Christian) women to elevate maleness 'as a concept', ultimately making mediocre Christian male entitled & blindsided about their own shortcomings ......ofc this argumentation literally flew over her head and she started cussing me out and accused me of "only following people who hate men"🥴 (See? the female socialization to white knight for men while men are paying you DUST. lmao)

And yes, these toxic men LOVE pretending we hate each other, but watch them coping and seething whenever they see women sticking together and taking none of their crap lol. That's why they hate feminists so much imo It's more than because "it's not Christian" otherwise, they would have as much energy to call out all the un-Christ-like behaviors the fellas they're rubbing shoulders with routinely endorse.

[majicmarker]

hey i’m sorry i feel like this might be rude and i know you get a lot of grief from ppl as it is, but don’t you have friends who write jily? do you not read their stuff anymore either? again not trying to be rude i’m just curious about fandom habits when authors move on to other ships, etc

[note: this is the most unnecessarily loquacious reply in the history of all my blogs. u know it’s true bc i just said “loquacious” in all seriousness, so don’t say i didn’t warn y’all.]

nonny, i’ve gotten enough truly shitty asks over the years to recognize that you really aren’t trying to be rude. so i’m gonna try, too, but i’ve left this message sitting for days on end and all i can think is, like... idk. i just don’t. and that’s not on you, it’s just a whole “cherry on top” kind of thing.

to my knowledge, none of my friends or mutuals from past fandoms read what i’m writing nowadays. so, yeah, i’ve stopped dipping my toes into ships that no longer interest me. because, frankly, i’ve felt weird about jkr and hp for a few years, and — more to this particular question — i lost interest in jily a long time ago. i, personally, understand why i stuck around to read here and there for awhile, but more recently i’ve unpacked that and i don’t see the point anymore.

i remember being a part of the jily fandom, as it was my first really immersive experience, so i understand the curiosity. but i’ve also experienced how fandom can eat away at you, how it can feel like an escape from irl issues, but then, actually, how it can make those issues worse. that was probably more of a lesson i learned being involved in GOT, but looking back further i understand how my investment in jily/hp did a disservice to myself, too.

fandom, fanfic, fan-whatever, it’s supposed to be fun. it’s not a job or a responsibility or a moral code or a hill to die on. i’m having fun now, writing crossover and crackship fic, and stories i cook up from a showverse of which i’ve only seen two episodes (and a year in bethyl has done more for me than any time spent elsewhere). i don’t want to be a part of **fandom** anymore, i just want to take the potential of a really good romance and run with it.

so, okay, yeah, there are writers in the jily fandom i’m friends with, ones i admire, but i don’t really know why you’re asking me if i’m still reading their stuff? i haven’t expressed interest in that ship in years. and if this is more about personal relationships than individual interests, well, i shouldn’t be expected to read their fic when (again, to the best of my knowledge) they’re not reading mine.

this goes for ships i wrote for in both hp and GOT, tbh. i’ve been fielding — and, okay, more often deleting — similar questions whenever i start writing something new. i shouldn’t be beholden to other people’s fics, no matter our relationship, any more than they’re beholden to mine. none of them get these sorts of asks about me, as far as i know, so i just don’t really know what i’m doing here.

and like, honestly, the more i write for smaller fandoms and crackships, the more i’ve rediscovered how much fun writing actually is. i’ve gotten better, i’ve learned more, i’m having a blast, and i don’t give a shit about the source material or get overly stressed about how long it takes me to get through updates (people are nicer here, more patient and understanding). it’s done wonderful things for my mental health, my free time, and my original writing pursuits. i like where i am, whether or not ~Everyone supports my decisions.

tl;dr i don’t write or read jily anymore. nor jonsa, for that matter. pls don’t try to make me feel guilty for that. i don’t see any finger-pointing at anyone else, and i’m kind of over being the punching bag abt this stuff. (@ nonny, again, i don’t think that was your intent, i just deal with this fairly regularly so i’m kinda ~~aaaaahhh~~ abt it.)

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

1 - I feel like this message will be all over the place, I'm sorry. I just have to get it out. So I'm questioning my sexuality and have been for a while now, but I'm afraid to really think about it. I think I might be bi but it's hard to tell because I'm fairly sure I might be on the ace-spectrum as well which makes it extra hard to realize attraction since I don't think I feel sexual attraction. Or maybe I do but I'm just that dumb and don't get it?

2 - And at one point I thought I might actually be a lesbian bc my (romantic) attraction to men was paired with like a lot of nervousness and not actually wanting to date them if it came to it. But now that I have a crush on a girl (my first same gender crush that I can think of) it’s still the same; I’m super flustered around her and would do ridiculous things to impress her and just wanna hold her hand but if she were to ask me out I know I’d panic and decline.

3 - It doesn’t help that I’ve been depressed for years and I know my mental health is in a very bad place (but I’m getting therapy for it). Does that affect my confusion about my sexuality? I’m also very afraid to pick a label like bi or ace or both just in case I turn out not to be, I don’t wanna be “that straight girl” who tries to belong where she doesn’t you know?

4 - Doesn’t help that I’m terrified of the backlash I could potentially get if I was lgbt+, I don’t know if I could handle it, especially from my parents. I’m sorry if this is a lot, I’m just so confused.

I’m gonna go through this bit by bit again because there’s a lot of different issues and questions here. It’s gonna be a long reply but I don’t know how to condense it even more.

“I think I might be bi but it's hard to tell because I'm fairly sure I might be on the ace-spectrum as well [...] maybe I do but I'm just that dumb and don't get it?”Sexual attraction can be a difficult concept to understand especially if you’re on the ace-spectrum. But you’re not “dumb” for having trouble with this. You simply live in a society that treats sexual attraction a standard experience that ~everyone~ is supposed to have so it’s not really talked about what it really means. Of course it’s an individual thing to an extend but generally speaking, sexual attraction means you can look at someone (even a random stranger) and feel a desire to have sex with them. It doesn’t mean one has to act on that desire but it’s certainly a “oh this person is hot - I wanna bang!!” in the most primitive sense lol I can imagine that being on the ace-spectrum can make it harder to explore what other types of attraction you might experience and to which genders. But it’s not impossible. There’s plenty of asexual/biromantic people and I’d recommend trying to talk to some of those as well and just generally get involved with the ace community.

“my attraction to men was paired with like a lot of nervousness and not actually wanting to date them if it came to it [...] but if she were to ask me out I know I’d panic and decline.”I mean... what you talk about regarding men can be a sign of being a lesbian but I guess it can also just as well be a sign of being asexual since “dating” and “relationships” are often associated with sex and though some ace people do have and enjoy sex there’s also sex-repulsed asexuals. So if you genereally don’t want to have sex or are iffy about it that explains why you backed off whenever you had the chance to date someone - bc you thought this would have to lead to sex which you may or may not want to have. Regarding the girl you currently have a crush on, the whole ~being ace and possibly sex-repulsed~ can also play a part plus internalised queerphobia. Since you struggle to accept your queerness and you currently don’t dare claiming a label for yourself it’s evident that you have a lot of shame that needs to be unpacked. As long as you have this much anxiety about your (a)sexuality and potential biromanticism your gut reaction to a girl’s advances will be panic. It’s not surprising. Crushing on a girl forces you to think about being bi and since you’re scared of facing this reality it’s a logical consequence that you’re freaking out!

“It doesn’t help that I’ve been depressed for years [...] Does that affect my confusion about my sexuality?”Yes, it definitly can affect your sexuality and/or your questioning process. Being queer in an inherently queerphobic society is a form of constant low-key (at best; high-key at worst) trauma. A lot of queer people have some form of PTSD just from ~being surrounded by everyday queerphobia~. But even if your depression has totally different reasons, it can still affect how you deal with sex in general, how you experience romance, how you experience yourself. Questioning one’s sexuality is (unfortunately!) not a safe thing to do for many people which means it can be anxiety inducing. And queer people have higher rates of mental health problems that non-queers. That’s a fact. Anf if you’re already depressed for whatever other reason and then add anxiety over being queer to the mix, well... you do the maths! It’s hard, man. It sucks. But it’s great you’re already getting help already. I’d hope your therapist is queer-friendly so you can talk about these things with them. And additionally you should try to get some queer counselling if there’s something available in your area. If your therapist isn’t queer-friendly then I would strongly advice you to find a different one.

“I’m also very afraid to pick a label like bi or ace or both just in case I turn out not to be, I don’t wanna be “that straight girl” who tries to belong where she doesn’t you know?”’Okay, look. I recently answered two asks that touch on that subject and I don’t think I can say it better than there so I’m gonna quote myself and link you to them so you can read the whole thing if you want.

1) Even when you’re not entirely sure of your bisexuality yet, questioning people belong into the community as well. The “Q” in LGBTQIA+ stands both for “queer” and for “questioning” - some people even use a version of the acronym that has two Qs to highlight that! So you belong whether you already identify as bisexual or not. The LGBTQIA+ community is supposed to be an environment where you can safely explore your sexuality - even if you turn out not to be queer. You still belong for as long as you are questioning because “questioning” is a queer identity. (x)

2) “Straight” women are allowed to experiment and explore their sexuality. I put “straight” in quotes here because a lot of these women might actually be questioning or they are bisexual and struggling with internalised biphobia (which won’t get better if biphobic lesbians keep telling them they are “just one of those straight girls”). And even the women who do end up realising that they really are straight have had every right to experiment. It’s their sexuality and they can do with that as they please as long as they don’t hurt anyone. They don’t owe anyone to come out as queer. “Only to say they are straight” sounds like it’s a huge disappointment when all these women did was live out their sexual curiosity. Any half decent queerfeminist should know better than to police women’s sexuality - even when the women in question are straight. (x)

“Doesn’t help that I’m terrified of the backlash I could potentially get if I was lgbt+, I don’t know if I could handle it, especially from my parents.”I understand it can be terrifying, especially if you know your family won’t support you. But the thing is... no matter how much potential backlash there is, you won’t stop being queer. You cannot stop. You cannot run away from your sexuality. You can certainly try but it won’t make you happy and it will take a toll on your mental health. This is not to say that you ~must~ come out. You can be as much out or closeted as you want and as is safe for you. But you cannot convince yourself of being something you are not. There will probably be some people you can safely come out to, others you’d rather not tell. That’s the on-brand queer experience. Maybe one day you can afford to not give a fuck about what your parents think, even if it comes at the price of losing them. That’s gonna be a problem for future!You though. And if you work on self-acceptance through therapy and through connecting with the queer community, building a support system - then it’ll get easier over time.

It’s unfortuantely very common to be scared of this but being scared won’t make you any less bi or ace or whatever type of queer you wanna be. And yes, I say “wanna be” because at the end of the day what label you use and feel comfortable with is your choice. You cannot technically be “wrong” about your sexuality. Even if you pick a label now and then later realise another one suits you better - then you just change your label. No harm done.

And even if you go through a period of questioning, try on multiple queer labels and then have the grande epiphany that you are actually just a basic ol’ heterosexual heteroromantic cisgender person - you did not harm the queer community in the slightest. I wish more straight cis people would question their sexuality and gender and come to the informed conclusion that they really are straight and cis - instead of taking it for granted because our society treats it as the default. What’s the point in questioning if only people who already know that they are queer were allowed to do it?! What’s the point if everyone who questions their sexuality ~has~ to realise that they are queer?

So.... long story short... sounds like you have the very common Queer Anxiety on top of your existing depression and they are probably affecting each other and make each other worse. You should definitly try to work on your internalised biphobia and acephobia and talk to your therapist about it. I have advice on internalised biphobia here - you can use those methods for asexuality as well.

Maddie

[lifeatucr]

Answers 9.6.17

Hi! I was wondering what type of backpacks you recommend? And also how do people typically organize their things for their classes? Is it like different binders/folders? Or maybe different backpacks? thanks in advance :)

Great question! You read our minds, that will actually be a video coming up on our YouTube channel in October! And thank you for your wonderful questions! (: Most people just use different notebooks for each class, and if they’re not too bulky you can keep them all in your backpack at once! Or if you’re a computer person, you can keep most of your supplies and notes on your computer. As for backpacks, I go back and forth between a shoulder bag purse thingy during the hotter months or when I’m taking less classes, and I use a Levi’s backpack during the school year. Anything will do, but you may need a bigger backpack if you plan on bringing lunch everyday! 

Do you recommend getting any of the school supplies listed on R web (like books, lab coats, etc.) or just getting basic ones (like pens, paper, backpack) until we go to the 1st day of class and see what the professor says to bring? 

I recommend waiting until the first day, except for lab coats. If you know you’re for sure taking the class that requires a lab coat and you don’t plan on dropping, you might need your lab coat sooner than later. 

What is PSYC 001 like with Willits? Do you know if it's easy or hard?

None of the social media team has taken PSYC001, but you can always check Rate My Professor! 

So im undeclared and apparently you're suppose to declare a major when you have 90 units or smt or u get a hold on your registration ??? But what if i dont know what to declare as? Or if i dont have the prereqs to declare yet?? So stressed out bc im 14 units away from 90 

You REALLY need to go talk to your advisor and discuss your options. If you have a hold, that can’t be lifted unless you go talk to your advisor. If you plan on graduating in four years, you should probably get this sorted out as soon as possible! 

Hi I applied for UCR campus apartments two months ago but they still haven't assigned any apartments to me. I don't know what happened but I need to sign the contract and move into the apartment on September 12th when school starts. Should I contact the housing dept or what else can I do to solve the problem?

Please contact housing at  (951) 827-6350. I hope you can get this sorted out! 

I am super upset about my housing situation. Housing just gives vague replies and told all freshmen that further requests won't be taken until after move in day. But realistically speaking, is it even possible to switch dorms? Have you heard of anyone who has successfully done so?

It’s been done before, but it’ll take a while (a couple weeks after moving in). Sorry! 

Where do we find the textbooks we need for this upcoming quarter?

If you go on your R’Web, on the home page there should be a button under “Authorized Applications” titled “Textbooks.”

With the maximum amount of units to graduate being 216, are those 216 units assumed to be all passing units, or attempted units?

I assume they’d all be passing units, since you don’t get credit for a class unless you pass it. But with questions like this, always make sure to double check with your advisor! 

When does the second pass of registration begin for me? (I'm a sophomore.)

Second pass for everyone begins today! (September 6) And for future reference, you can check that by checking the registration button on R’Web (:

Hey! So I'm taking art 006 this fall as a freshman and I'm kind of nervous because I've never heard about this class before. Does the professor call on his students to answer questions? Also, in discussions does everyone have to talk? Talking in front of the class kind of gives me anxiety lol

Hey! Again, I can not recommend this class enough! It is still one of my favorite classes ever, and would definitely recommend Professor Brookshire. I wish I had taken this class as a freshman because I feel like it would have been such an amazing foundation to have for the rest of my studies here at UCR. And tell your anxiety not to worry, this class is totally safe and welcoming. He doesn’t call on students but encourages students to participate to help people communicate different ideas and opinions in a respectful way. I NEVER used to talk in class until I had this class. Good luck and enjoy! (:

When isn't Fall Move In Day??? And when do us freshman officially start class??

You should have gotten your housing assignment September 1, and that should tell you when you are able to move in. Class starts officially for everyone on Thursday, the 28. 

On my portal it says they have not received a Highlander Orientation attendance record yet. I'm worried I don't know what to do to. Was there something exactly I had to send?

You should be fine as long as you attended orientation, it may just take a while to process! 

My advisor STILL hasn't replied to me. What's the *maximum* wait I can expect? Also, why don't they hire more advisors?

Beats me. If you haven’t heard back by now, I would try calling! 

I just found out my roommate assignment and it is someone who has a different background as me. From our different cultures, we might clash so how do I make sure we get along and the year goes by smoothly? (Clashes as in cooking, shoes off in the house, etc)

I would still give it a chance. I completely understand that it could be challenging, but you will both learn a lot in the process in terms of acceptance and tolerance. As for things like shoes off in the house, you’re only really in control of your half of the room, but your roommate should understand and respect your boundaries. My roommate and I were opposites in terms in religion (she was agnostic) and she’s still one of my closest friends. We learned a lot about each other and learned to respect each others beliefs and we also got a great friendship out of it! 

What do I do if I need to pay for my tuition but my financial aid hasn't been processed yet? I'm REALLY scared and I've contacted both Student Billing Service (which the woman talking to me was NOT helpful at all) and Financial Aid in which they said they'll process it but hasn't been done yet. I can't afford all the tuition at once! It's so much money. I've submitted my paperwork since April. I'm REALLY scared. Please help me. Thank you

If this is an issue with Financial Aid and it’s not processed in time because of something on their end, you will not be held accountable for it! If you took all the necessary steps before the deadline and you’re just waiting for it on their end, you should be okay. 

I got put into a triple room and don't want that at all, is there a way we can contact housing to hopefully get moved into just a double?

You will be able to contact housing after you move-in, but I think the chances are slim to get your dorm switched (but not impossible!)

which buildings are glen mor 2?

E, F, J, H, I, M, N and we’re not sure of the rest. Sorry! :(

I am registered for a class at MSE that ends at 11am and my next class is at Spieth Hall. Do yo think the ten minute passing period is enough time? What about if the class goes over a little?

Ten minutes is enough time to get from MSE to Spieth!

The housing website says Falkirk has internet provided, but I've also heard that you need to provide your own router if you want wifi, is that true or is the campus wifi still available?

Campus wifi is still available in Falkirk! 

What is zero week like for freshman in the dorms? Are there parties?

It is just a good time to unpack, get to know your roommate, and explore the campus and the Riverside area without the time constraints of classes (:

I will be taking rlst 004 with Wilcox in the fall term. Have you heard anything about this professor like how hard or easy she is? Thank you! :)

Unfortunately none of the social media team has taken this, but you can always use Rate My Professor (:

Is the wardrobe that a triple room offers for the third person a lot smaller than the closet? If so does the person that gets the wardrobe have something else they can use to store their clothes?

It’s about the same size as the closets! 

i've been hearing that a pentland triple (not a loft) is incredibly small. i saw the double rooms at orientation and was wondering if a triple is the same size, just with more furniture?

Yes, it is the same size! 

How do I know if I get a regular triple or a lofted triple at pentland hills?

If it doesn’t indicate it in your housing assignment, I don’t think there’s a way to find out until you get there :/ Try giving housing a call at  (951) 827-6350.

I got placed in West Lothian and while i know that the set ups of all the residence halls are pretty much the same (with the exception of Pentland Hills) ive heard that West Lo is the worst place to dorm :/ do you think it's possible that rooms will open up in East Lo if people switch around their roommates and things like that?

It’s possible but unlikely, buuuuuuuuuut a little birdie told me Lothian has been renovated this summer! 

Hi! i was wondering if you could tell me a little about the set up of the residence halls? specifically if it's a co-ed floor or single sex floor?

Lothian and A-I are Co-Ed floors, and Pentland is a co-ed floor as well, but single sex for each hall (there are four halls per floor).

I'm not able to walk in, and my advisor hasn't replied to my email. What's the best way to get in contact? 

Try giving your advisor’s department a call and let them know you’ve been having issues getting in contact with your advisor, and let them know how long it’s been since you first emailed. 

Which building is Pentland Hills SiMS community in?

It changes every year, we’re not sure yet about this year! 

[brunchbitch]

When you get a moment could you please bullet update on your week?

sure! i’m putting it under a read more bc it’s long and boring.

2/19/17

this week has been okay - up and down.

i moved back to W (the group home) last tuesday and the first couple nights were very very hard, but since then it’s gotten a little better. or, rather, i’ve been trying to change my attitude towards it. i’m going to be living here for at least another year and i don’t want to be miserable the whole time so i’m doing my best to try to be a little more positive. laura, the residence director, has been nice and helpful, but not too overbearing which i was worried about - (can’t remember if i’ve already written this but) courtney called her to let her know they supported me moving back here and she was like “okay i would like a copy of her meal plan and her exercise plan. i will be watching her closely” and courtney was like “umm… usually by the time they’re in iop, they don’t really need to be watched outside of program” but laura said “i don’t care. i am not letting what happened in the fall happen again on my watch.” so i feel really bad bc i feel like she partially blamed herself for not intervening sooner. so i was worried about her watching me like a hawk but she’s been good. she asked me a little about partial/iop but hasn’t asked me what i’ve eaten or anything like that so that’s good.

on thursday i did shop and cook with another girl - we made chicken walnut cranberry goat cheese pizza and it was yummy. friday we went to a sandwich place for lunch. it was both my and another girl’s last outing in php, so we begged to get ice cream even though it was really cold. we were so excited when the dietitian said we could go to ben & jerry’s and obviously it was still scary and i felt guilty for being excited/asking for it, but i was also able to reflect on how far i’ve come since september and that’s really cool.

yesterday i finally had galentine’s day with my best friend and we did some painting and had coffee and lunch together while watching phantom of the opera. i was supposed to go to multi-family group at mnlh but my check engine light came on and i was too nervous to drive 30 min on the highway so i took it to a shop and bri and i went shopping at a fun store for a little bit. once i got my car back ($280 later ugh), i ended up still going to mnlh to say hi to some of my friends, but those three clients weren’t even there - they were all on pass. so i hung out with one of the recovery coaches who i was really close to. and T was there and i got to talk to her about brandon’s phone call which was really helpful. when i told her about the time limit/end date, she was like “does he think your ED is just going to go away by then?” and i was like EXACTLY and said how i wanted to tell him to put a time limit on our therapy too lol. i’m wondering if the director of mnlh might be able to talk to him and say that the end date wouldn’t be advisable. i don’t plan to see liz for the rest of my life, for sure, but i think it’s problematic to start out knowing when we’re going to end. if i really wanted to be in treatment, i probably would’ve said i didn’t need an ED team, and then just let myself relapse again so i could go back to residential. but i am ACTIVELY trying to make my outpatient team as supportive as possible so that i DON’T have to go back to a HLOC. so i’m gonna try to talk to him about this on friday. i really need to work on being honest with him, especially when i disagree with him. so i’m really glad i stopped by mnlh and got to talk to her. i told her i would try to come next weekend too so that i could update her on how the meeting went. while i was there, i saw a new client who looked really really awful, like should’ve been in the hospital, and she is T’s client. that was hard for me. i was jealous of her body (i know i shouldn’t be, but i am) and jealous that she was probably going to be there for a very long time which means that she gets to work with T for a very long time and that’s hard. i miss T so much and wish i was seeing her outpatient. but one thing that’s really helpful is that she does work on saturdays which is the day of the alumni group, so i can convince my bpd (or whatever) that i don’t need to get really sick to see her again - i can see her in group every week! and hopefully i won’t need to go every week for months and months, but i know it’s there if i need it and it’s a much healthier way of transitioning than saying goodbye to a therapist for good and knowing i would have to return as a patient if i wanted to see them again.

i milieu'ed last night (milieu is where we have to be in the common area of the house playing games or watching a movie - you can’t study or read or do anything too isolative - and we have to milieu three nights a week) and it was pretty low-key. i made dinner (brussels sprouts, sweet potato cranberry onion mix, and chicken breast) and prepped breakfast (baked blueberry oatmeal) then started some art journaling (mostly just cutting things out of magazines at this point).

this morning i was supposed to meet a friend for coffee but her car broke down and i’m bummed i couldn’t see her but was also kind of relieved bc i didn’t sleep well so i went back to bed for an hour. i had oatmeal for breakfast, did a load of laundry (still haven’t folded that whoops), unpacked a little, then went to volunteer at the cat shelter! that was fun and three kitties got adopted. i’m really happy i found this shelter bc they’re so nice and i love being around the cats so much so that’s been a source of joy for me. then i went to get snack at berryline and see my outpatient dietitian, kellie. 

we had a really good session and laughed a bit about the ridiculousness of the fall (she was like “how did you even have ketoacidosis, i mean that is so freaking rare! it’s one thing if you have ketones in your urine, but for the actual pH of your body to change…” and then she shook her head and laughed and i laughed too bc it really is fucking ridiculous. and then she reminded me that she was talking to me on the phone in between the two hospitalizations and i was saying that my legs were numb and she had said “well if it gets worse, you should go to your doctor” and i replied “how would i know if they get worse? i can’t feel them!” and she was like “umm… ok you should definitely go to your doctor” lol i did not remember having that conversation. i just remember being terrified of going to the doctor or the walk-in clinic bc brandon had told me if i was hospitalized again, he wouldn’t work with me again.) i talked about how frustrated i was with the end date issue and she agreed with me, not by saying that i should be able to see liz for the rest of my life, that there should be an end to it, but to not necessarily set a date at this time. we also talked about some goals (continue eating out at a restaurant at least once a week when i step down to iop even though i don’t “have” to bc there aren’t any outings in iop, log everything in recovery record, and practice more intuitive eating while challenging judgements). we decided she’s going to do blind weights and she’s not going to give me feedback unless it continues to trend in one direction or the other and she’s concerned. i know my general 5-pound range from britt so kellie is only going to bring it up when i’m outside of my range. i think that’s probably better bc i get really obsessive about “it’s up a little” “well how much? still in the range? how close to the upper edge of the range?” etc. although it was really hard to agree to that from the outset. she’s also going to be weighing me with clothes on at 4pm on sundays and i wanted so badly to see it today bc i’m sure it’s so much higher than usual. i joked that she must have a really good poker face with this job and she was like “yeah i’m really good.” so i don’t think i’ll get any info there. overall though it was a really good session and i’m so happy i get to start seeing her again.

i’m milieuing now but am probably gonna get in trouble for being on the computer so much so i better end here. sorry this update was probably SO boring.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

Hey journal!

I’m still thinking a lot about what Jason told me yesterday. And I’m not upset that he told me, in fact, I’m glad. This way I know what mistakes I’ve made and how to fix them and what I can do from here. I really do want to do better.

While I was on the bus ride home today, I thought about what I struggle with and why I am the way that I am. And I think my biggest struggle is always try to do everything alone by pushing other people away. I’ve been actively trying to suppress my own issues in order to better accommodate others and make them feel more comfortable. I know that I’ve overshared in the past and it was never my intention to make them feel uneasy. I just did it because I felt I had no one else to turn to. But even as I type this, my heart really does hurt because I do keep a lot bottled up inside because I feel like I can’t share this with anyone else. It’s not that I’m afraid to share this information but I don’t want to be a burden and I’m afraid that if I do share something deep and personal again, no one will respond positively again and I’ll just end up making them feel uncomfortable again. And I don’t want that. I just need to work on building relationships with certain people in my life where we can both feel free to share with one another and I don’t feel like I’m being a burden. I do feel really alone but I also know it’s partly my fault for pushing people away at all. I was thinking about if I did fall back into my depression and suicidal thoughts and I think I would just stop going to church for a while and stop being so eager to greet and meet new people. I would just go straight to class, pretend like I’m fine, and go home and wallow in my depression. I wouldn’t tell anyone about it—especially not those from church. If anyone asked me how i was doing, I would just brush it off as, “Hey! I’m fine, just been busy recently! Sorry!” and move on. And no one would suspect a thing. And I would continue down my path of misery. I would self harm again, I would continue to fall deeper and deeper into my hole, and be unable to climb back out. And then after a good amount of time has passed, I would probably get better and return to church and when people ask where I’ve been, I think I would confess that I had been very depressed but I’m fine now and just glaze over it. But in my heart, I would know that I’m not really over it. In my heart, I would know how hard it was and how alone I felt but how much my wanting of not wanting to feel like a burden outweighed my need for help. I wasn’t sure if it was a pride thing at first, and I think it partly is for thinking that I can handle this on my own, especially without God. But ultimately, I think it is because I don’t want to bring more discomfort and misfortune than I already have.

And I know that Sofia and Andrew want to be there for me but I’m really happy for them and I don’t want to drag them down with my problems either. I know I need to be there as emotional support for my sister and I know my parents are stressed from paying our school tuitions, working, and being involved at church. They all have their own things going on and I’m happy for them and want to be there for them, even if that means putting my own health on the backburner.

I am awful at taking care of myself because a lot of the times, I don’t think I’m worthy of it. I don’t actually deserve to treat myself or receive love. I work so hard to try and achieve it but in my hearts bc of how I was raised, I can never believe that it’s real. I can never believe that my friends actually do really, genuinely care for my wellbeing bc my parents never did so why would anyone else?

I’m haunted by my mom yelling at my face, asking, “How could anyone be so stupid?! What’s wrong with you?!” I’m haunted by the wails that my aunt let out at Robbin’s funeral. I’m haunted by that fateful day on the beach.

I work and try so hard to do so much in order to be enough. In order to be enough for myself and others and no matter how much praise I may receive, in my heart, I don’t believe it. I still think it’s just pity. It’s not real. How could it be. I’m not working hard to please people. I working hard to be good enough for myself but that is a goal that I will never achieve. I want to understand how precious I am in God’s eyes and until I can do that, I don’t know that I’ll ever truly be able to serve other people. Because I think so long as I cannot love myself and only see a failure whenever I look in a mirror, I’ll always just be using other people to try and achieve my goal of being good enough for myself which is still, in itself, a selfish goal. I’ll never actually be serving bc I care so much for others but I will instead, only be trying to further my own goal. I don’t understand what it means to rest which is why it’s so hard for me to understand why P. Josh thinks it’s okay to do so and why I’m always so quick to disagree.

Today, I got to hangout with Sharon after working on some homework and work. Work went well. I had some great talks with Amanda and we ate lunch together. I mustered up the courage to apologize to Thor and he was actually totally okay and didn’t mind sharing. My apology was unexpected and he accepted it as is. I also apologized to Angela and Chaeweon yesterday. Angela saw it but didn’t reply and Chaeweon said it was okay. Regardless, I’m glad to apologized to them bc I really am genuinely sorry. And maybe it was healing and maybe it was just out-of-the-blue. But I’m happy I did it.

One of my biggest fears is that if I confess and admit and tell P. Josh that I’m mentally actually not doing great and need to understand how God loves me first before I can learn to love others, he would kick me out of MAST. And I don’t know it’s just my stubbornness or my pride but I would be mortified if that happened. And I would try to plead and beg him not to kick me out and do whatever I could to stay. And I would know why he would need me to step down. But I would still try and stay. For the community, and the chance that we could build a community together within MAST and I would grow mentally healthier there. Or that I would be in MAST to know God better. Or whatever the reason. I would try so hard to stay.

I just zoned out and imagined Jason seeing my phone with the last result being a noose and him, laughing and telling everyone to look at tease me together. But, actually feeling suicidal, would be mortified and look at him with such sad, hurt eyes before immediately running out in shame. I wouldn’t even stay in the bathrooms, I would just run off the premise of the church and run as far as I could. And then I would take a lyft and go home. I would then get dropped off at Promontory Point and just yell and scream in grief at the sea. And then, I would slowly walk in and plan on drowning myself. Finding it kind of poetic. Just as I Iived invisible, I would also die invisible, with my body never being found and instead taken away by the sea. And that thought, brought me so much peace and comfort and made my heart stop hurting. Knowing that my pain and suffering would finally be over.

I don’t want to believe that I’m bipolar bc that means I have another mental condition that I have no control over but it might be true. I do feel extremely happy and extremely depressed pretty quickly. But actually, I think it’s just because I secretly always feel awful about myself and depressed but by keeping myself busy and on my tippy toes, I never have to face it or look at it. But after what Jason said to me, I can’t turn away anymore. This definitely requires much more thought and I plan on meditating and wrestling with this for the next few days. Or probably even weeks. I think there’s a lot to unpack and tear apart and figure out what to do before facing Jason and everyone again on Sunday with a grin on my face, as per usual. Not letting them know that anything is wrong.