#sorry for the bad picture i was sat autistically and my hand was shaking and i was too lazy to rewind it also but djdjdkdk DINNNNNN

[thefrogdalorian]

I was watching an old episode of a quiz shoW AND LOOK AT THE OPTIONS FOR ONE OF THE QUESTIONS!!!!

Almost gave myself whiplash from my neck jerking around so fast... like an owl... my heaRT

[shylemon0]

Bakugou x Autistic! Reader (pt.3)

This is a story I made up in my head while trying to sleep months ago, thought it’d be cool to write it down :) This will be a male reader because I feel more comfortable with it, sorry!

(Pt.1)

(Pt.2)

@plaguedoctorsnake​

(I’m really bad at writing fight scenes sorry!)

Warning: Swearing, Blood, Meltdowns, Fighting And Sad?

(The reader is Aizawa’s adoptive son)

It’s been a year since Y/N “died” on live television and someone new has been seen with the league.

—————————————————————————————————

Reader’s POV 

It’s been a year since it all happened 

....

A year ago a part of me died.. well-

Technically not but everyone else think so 

Well everyone on UA and the heroes that is, I’ve been living with the league all this time and I feel pretty happy and safe, it’s like I have a huge family.

They even helped me with my quirk, they sent me to their doctor and put me into a coma I think so that they could do something to help me control my quirk better so I won’t be afraid to use it anymore and I’ve kinda joined the league now, except I don’t exactly hurt anyone, let’s just say that I’m more here to distract the people they’re fighting.

Now you’re probably wondering what is my quirk well it’s...

Name: Energy

It’s basically telekinesis and can be used as just that but i can do a few more things then just that, I can take the energy around me and kinda explode it out of me when I’ve gotten enough, I can also take my own energy to heal people

When I use it my eyes turn white and the wind starts to move around me

Pros: kinda op, healing and moves really fast    Cons: very destructive, can’t control if used too long, passes out when the body can’t handle it anymore and may cause death

——— Today we’re going on a important mission and I’m kinda nervous because I have to use my quirk a lot more but I’ll be fine, right?

“hey Y/N! are you ready for the mission?” Toga asked as she was walking towards me with something in her hands, “Yeah I think so” i said as I stared at the ground while hitting the side of my right leg “you sure?” She said as she made me look up “Yeah I’m just stressed, what if I do something wrong and I end up hurting someone- oh no I don’t think I can do this-” I started to ramble as she took me into a tight hug and said “hey now you’ll be fine, if you feel like you don’t want to be there anymore I’ll take you right back here, okay?” she smiled “okay but what about shigaraki he said he needed my quirk for this mission” Toga hummed and said “ im sure he’ll understand, now take this we have to leave in 30 minutes” and then she left.

I stood there looking at what she gave me, a black surgical mask and my dark orange hoodie, I walked into my room and put it on as I tried to calm myself down so I wouldn’t have a meltdown,

I walked to my bed and took the photo under my pillow and my headphones as I played my comfort song and looked at the picture of bakugou as I started to think about all the times he used to hold me as I cried or couldn’t sleep, After a while I calmed down and put the stuff back and walked out to the rest of the league.

“It’s time” said Dabi as Kurogiri made black fog and we walked through.

Bakugou’s POV

Today was the big fight, the villains planned something big and we found out about it so all the heroes are going to one spot with out them knowing a thing.

Today I finally could get my revenge

I’m going to fucking kill every last one of them if I have too...

———

I can see them as they walked out of the black fog, but they didn’t look shocked that we were here waiting for them, he fucking laughed.

The fight started fast, there where villains and heroes everywhere fighting for life and death and I only had one target and if anyone is going to stop me I’d blow their fucking head off.

I ran towards a villain and slammed him to the ground and blew him up as he tried to fight back, someone tried to drag me off them as I fought anyone who tried to stand in my way.

Reader’s POV 

Toga and I got on top of a building as she said “okay you know the plan” and smiled as she started to attack the heroes.

I stood up and slammed my foot down as the building split in two and the ground shot up, my eyes started to glow as I ran on top of the building’s  cracking it up as me feet hit the ground, 

I jumped down from it hitting the ground making it shake an crack around me, I jumped again up towards the sky as energy shot out of my body taking down the building’s around me.

I started to lose control as my body twitches and shoots out more energy making me get higher and higher up towards the sky, I could feel my nose starting to bleed as my body glowed, blinding the heroes, it starts to hurt.

Everything hurts, if feels like my head is about to explode as I scream out in pain as tears streams down my face and another energy boost shoots out of me and I finally pass out.

—

Toga’s POV 

‘Holy crap Y/N’s quirk really got out off control’ I thought before I saw Y/N falling hundred of feet down unconscious and his mask is damaged letting anyone seeing his face, “DABI! CATCH Y/N!” I yelled at the top of my lungs as I try to stab the person I’m fighting.

Dabi looked towards Y/N and locked shocked as he started to run shooting fire out of his hands to boost himself forward.

Bakugou’s POV

There I saw the unknown member of the league falling from the sky..

It was Y/N..

‘How! He’s dead how is he there’ I thought as I froze in place

I saw Dabi running towards my Y/N catching him before he hit the ground, he ran off with him in his arms and I just stood there I was in shock

“My Y/N is alive” I said in a broken voice looking towards aizawa with wide eyes who clearly saw Y/N too but couldn’t move either, after a few seconds I could move again as I tried to catch up to Dabi.

Reader’s POV 

I woke up to Dabi wiping my bloody nose, “what happened?” I said as he looked down at me “your quirk got out of control and you passed out” he said as he helped me sit up “if you feel any better you can go back with me but you don’t need to” he continued, “I think I feel ok, I’ll come with you” I said as I went and got a new mask and walked through the black fog again.

“you feeling alright kid?” Shigaraki asked as he saw me “Yeah” I said as I went back to distract the heroes with my quirk.

———

Toga’s hurt and someone’s trying to kill her, I ran over to them and tackled the ‘hero’ and knocked them out as I got to toga, something behind me exploded or more like someone exploded, I turned around to see what happened...

And there he was.

“Bakugou..?” I whispered with wide eyes, it seems like toga heard what I said as she pulled me away trying to calm me down.

I was shaking as tears stream down my face again “this was a bad idea- why am I here? I’m just causing trouble, I should leave” I said to toga “ hey- hey It’s okay, I’ll take you back you did a great job today” as we tried to go back as fast as possible.

We were right in front of the back fog as someone grabbed my arm and dragged me out of toga’s hands, and it all went dark again.

Toga’s POV

“I WONT LET YOU TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME AGAIN!” Yelled bakugou before he took Y/N from my hands and knocking him out, “oh but he won’t like being with you anyways, you see we’ve been saying somethings that made him unsure of you and all the ‘heros’ so if you’ll be nice and give him back I won’t make him hate you” said with venom in my voice and giggled.

But the stubborn asshat wouldn’t do as i said and tried to shoot an explosion in my face, as I dodged it I sprinted after him “HE GOT Y/N!” I yelled so the rest of the league would help, but before we could get him he was gone.

‘No! He took him, what am I going to to say to shigaraki..’ I thought as some idiot got me pinned down on the ground.

Bakugou’s POV

I held him as tight as possible because I couldn’t believe I was holding him in my arm again, I looked up towards aizawa who was sitting on a building he nodded as I went back to UA.

Time skip (The UA Dorms)

I laid Y/N down on my bed and I took of my hero outfit off and now I sat down waiting for my Y/N to wake up.

———

Time skip (again cuz I’m getting more lazy)

I was asleep when I herd a yelp of surprise, I quickly opened my eyes and there I saw him awake but he looked terrified as he hid under the covers “Y/N it’s alright, please don’t be afraid” I said in the softest voice I probably could make as I put my hand out for him

He leaped towards me into a hug as he cried “Im so sorry!” He continued to cry onto my shoulder “i didn’t want this to happen! I’ve missed you so much” he continued as I was kind of in shock again, eventually I hugged back as tight as I possibly could to let him know I wasn’t going to disappear.

I lifted him up into my bed and laid down with him holding him letting him cry against my chest as I hummed his favorite song to calm him down.

I finally have him in my arms again

I won’t let anyone take him away from me again

“i love you” I whispered to him as he was sound asleep in my arms

“i love you too” he whispered back in his sleep, as he said that a few tears of joy appeared in my eyes as I closed them an nuzzled into my boyfriend’s neck.

And then I fell asleep the happiest I’ve been in a year.

——— This is as far I went with the story in my head, I might continue later on but that might take months, now I hope you enjoyed this fanfic :D

[benedictsvestcollection]

Be With Me- Modern Din/OC fic (AO3)

Chapter One: You can't keep the ground from shaking, no matter how hard you try.

Din Djaren was a bounty hunter. He worked from the road mostly. Had a camper van and a motorbike attached to the back of said van. His van had a bed, a small kitchenette and more recently… A very special and gifted child.

The child wasn’t supposed to be kept. He was actually supposed to be delivered to a company that wanted to use him. And once Din realized that, his conscience got the better of him and basically flipped the bird to the CEO, Moff Gideon and kept the child with him. The child was a foundling, an orphan… Much like he was when he was young.

He noticed rather quickly that the boy was special. That he had some sort of telekinesis powers. Which sounded like something out of a science fiction novel and he would have snorted at it and called someone a goddamn idiot. But he’d now seen what this kid was capable of. At only three years old, he was special. But he also seemed to have some kind of a disability, but he had no idea how to deal with it. So he cared for the boy as best as he could. He had the kid with him for about nine months now. Traveling the country, doing jobs and enjoying the peace (mostly) that came from the road.

Currently, they were in Washington State. A man had contacted his boss, Greef Karga… Hiring a bounty hunter for a private gig. To find a woman, Aurora Daniels and bring her back to him. He’d told them that she was his girlfriend and was worried that she had been taken. That was about a week ago. A quick look into her social media said she’d gone dark. The woman knew how to disappear, Din had to hand it to her.

But he’d found her in a small-ish town in North Washington State. Din was parked in a parking lot where the woman had been shopping in a Walmart. He watched as she came out, always looking around. She was nervous. Why?

He looked at the kid and handed him his favorite coloring book. “Stay here, okay?” He asked him. The kid smiled at him and nodded, not speaking as usual. He started coloring and Din slowly got out of the van. Careful to look like he was just heading into the store, and not there for her.

She was dressed in a sundress and low heeled ankle boots. She had a backpack, a medium sized duffel, and a few shopping bags of food and other essentials. Telling Din she was most definitely on the run from something or someone.

Finally, when he was close enough to her. He gently took her by the wrist and pulled her against an SUV. “Don’t scream. I’m here to help you. Your boyfriend has been worried about you.” He told her softly, in a hushed tone.

Aurora’s bright blue eyes widened when she was pulled away and met with brown eyes. They flashed when the man mentioned her ex. What a fucking joke, he was worried about her? “Oh yeah? I’m sure he’s very worried where his punching bag went.” She snapped at the stranger and wretched her arm out of his grasp.

She ran her hand through her brown hair, giving Din a look at old bruising on her arm. It was about a week old. Right around the time the boyfriend had called Greef. Din’s jaw clenched at the idea of a woman being beaten. “He do that to you?” He asked her quietly.

Aurora met his gaze again. “That’s just the tip of the iceberg, what he’s done to me.” She told him softly. She paused, wondering how much to tell this stranger about her ex. Finally, she gave in. “Time before this, he beat me so bad I was in the hospital for a week. Broken leg, busted nose and a couple of bruised ribs. But… His dad is a cop and they hid what he did.” She told him softly, whispering in case others heard her. “But they couldn’t hide my hospital record from the stay.”

“Jesus.” Din muttered, he made a mental note to call Greef and ask him to look into this asshole. Greef had connections all over the country with cops and might be able to look into it. “I’m sorry… The client… Your ex, he didn’t tell us much. Just said he was worried about you.” He tried to meet her gaze, to show her he didn’t mean her any harm. “Okay? And….” Fuck, for the second time in less than a year… Din was about to not deliver to a client. Because fuck that asshole. “Look… I’ve got to check on something… Please, come with me while I call my boss about this? You’ll be safe with me. I promise.”

Understandably so, Aurora was skittish. But honestly, knowing her ex was looking for her was fucking terrifying and for whatever reason… She trusted this man before her. Despite not even knowing his name. “I…” She suddenly slumped against the car behind her in exhaustion. “Okay.” She agreed.

Din gently took her elbow and guided her to his big silver camper van. Aurora was surprised to see a young boy in the passenger seat. Contentedly coloring away in his superhero book. “I uh… He’s a bit shy but he’s sweet.” Din told her as he opened the side of the van. Revealing the bed and kitchenette area in the back. He took his phone out of his back pocket and called Greef.

Aurora set her things on the ground of the van and sat down delicately on the edge of the bed. Not sure what to do or say. The boy turned in his seat and smiled at her, he still didn’t speak but he crawled out of his seat. Coloring book and box of crayons in his arms and he made his way to Aurora. She watched fondly as the boy helped himself up onto the bed where she sat and showed her his coloring jobs proudly.

“Wow, these are great.” She told him with a smile, studying the boy she wondered how old he was. He couldn’t have been more than three.

He squealed in excitement at her compliment, which caused Din to turn while on the phone with Greef. He smiled at seeing the boy interact with someone else.

“Din. Looks like this client is an asshole. Not only does he have a history of violence. But, it looks like the FBI is investigating him for drug running.” Greef told him on the other end of the phone. “Now your young lady on the other hand? Not even a parking ticket as far as I can find. Pays her taxes, parents are deceased and one sibling that lives in some kind of a group home. The only records I can find on her are hospital records, most likely from her man.” Greef snorted, Din could tell he was disgusted as well.

Din kept his eyes trained on the kid and Aurora. She was showing him how to stay inside the lines of his pictures and he was fascinated watching her with the kid.

“Tell the client I couldn’t find her. Give him a refund for all I care. I’m not letting him near her if I can help it.” Din growled lowly through the phone.

“What are you gonna do? Bring someone else on the road with you?” Greef asked him in disbelief. Din was notorious for being a loner. He was still having a hard time believing he kept the kid.

“If she wants. Yeah. The kid seems to like her, maybe she’d be willing to watch him for me in exchange for protection and a bed.” With that, he hung up the phone and strode back over to the opened side of the van. He cleared his throat quietly and the boy looked up at Din and beamed. He squealed and without warning, jumped into his arms. Throwing his arms around his neck. “Hey kid.” He told him softly as he held him close and looked at Aurora. “I’m Din by the way.” He told her.

“Nice to meet you Din.” She told him softly and then considered her next words. “Is he… Autistic? I-I only ask because my younger brother is and well… He reminds me of my brother in that way.” She explained gently.

Din was surprised, but her sibling living in a group home made sense now especially if she couldn’t care for him as an adult. “I-... I don’t know.” He admitted. “He was… I was supposed to deliver him to a client but…” He trailed off, almost ashamed that he was going to turn the kid over at all.

“Oh… Well, he’s very sweet.” She told him and simply stared at both of them as the boy fell asleep on Din’s shoulder.

“He is.” He agreed with a nod. Wondering how to broach the subject. “Look… My boss, he looked into your ex. He seems like a dangerous asshole. I told him to tell him that I didn’t find you.”

She stared at him, wide eyed that he’d done that for her. “Thank you.” She whispered at him.

“You’re welcome.” He paused. “I don’t… I don’t feel right leaving you alone. He’s just gonna send someone else after me, to find you.” He said gently. “I thought maybe… That is if you’d like… You could stay with us on the road. Could use some help with the kid while I take other bounty jobs. You seem… With your brother, you might be able to help him.”

Aurora was speechless. He was offering her, what… A job?

“You’d have a bed to sleep in and I’d keep you safe from anyone. Plus, I’ll pay you for watching the kid.” He explained hesitantly.

“I-...” She thought about it for a moment. He had a point, she knew her ex well enough to know he’d just keep coming for her. And Din looked like he would know how to protect her should anyone else come after her. “Yes. I’ll come.” She finally finished her thought with a nod.

“Yeah?” He sighed in relief as he climbed into the back of the van and gently laid the kid down in the bed so he could nap. “You can uh… Sit up front if you want. He’ll be out for awhile anyway.” He explained.

She put her few groceries away in a cabinet and grabbed her backpack before crawling into the passenger seat and buckling up. Soon, they were on the road and rode in a comfortable silence.

“Does he have a name?” She asked him suddenly, drawing Din out of his own head.

He was almost surprised because he hadn’t had anyone to actually talk with in a while. “I don’t know.” He admitted. “They didn’t give me a name when I was assigned to... “

“Oh…. And how long has he been with you?” She asked him curiously, blue eyes searching him as they talked.

Damn, her eyes were distractingly beautiful. Big and wide and the bluest he’d ever seen. “About nine months.”

“You’ve had this boy for nine months, raising him as your own and you haven’t given him a name?” She asked him, unable to hide her shock.

Din sighed. “Yes.” He struggled with his next words. “I didn’t want to… Name him and get attached. In case I find his family.” His voice faltered a little at the last part.

“Oh I see.” She told him, if she heard his voice break she didn’t say anything. “Well, I’m happy to help with him. Is there… Anything else I need to know about him?”

“He’s… Special. Has special abilities, I mean.” He told her. “I know that sounds batshit crazy but… It’s true. Seen them myself.”

“What? What kind of abilities?” She asked him in shock.

“He can move things with his mind. A company was wanting him for themselves. To study him. Turn him into some kind of a lab rat.” He shook his head in disgust. “I couldn’t… Could do that to him. He’s just a kid.” His hands were gripping the wheel of the van so tightly, his knuckles were turning white.

Her gentle hand found his forearm. “You did the right thing. Kids deserve to be kids. Sometimes… They don’t have a choice but to grow up too fast but you stopped that from happening to him.” She whispered to him.

Din wondered if she was speaking from experience about growing up too fast. But he didn’t press it. “Yeah… You’re probably right.”

“Plus he obviously adores you so…” She teased him before she went back to staring at her phone in her hands. She still had it off but she was debating on just throwing it out the window. She didn’t want her ex to find her.

Din noticed her and after several more minutes of silence he spoke. “I can get you another phone if you want. That way I can call you as needed and he won’t find you. Plus, you can keep in touch with my boss if you need another contact to help.” He told her, eyes never leaving the road.

“I-... You don’t have to do that.” She told him with a shake of her head.

“Yes I do. I’ll need to keep in touch with you if I’m gone on a bounty and this way your ex can’t track you.” He shrugged as if it were obvious.

“I can’t afford a new phone.” She told him softly, obviously embarrassed.

“I can. We’ll get you that and a new number. We’ll go through Seattle tonight. Get a room for the night. I could use a shower and the kid needs a bath. Then, in the morning we’ll get you a new phone.”

“If you’re sure…” She told him hesitantly, not wanting to be a burden.

“I’m sure. I told you I’d keep you safe and I intend to do just that.” He promised her gently.

“I-... Thank you Din.” She told him and smiled at him.

“You’re welcome… Aurora.” He tested out her first name and found that he liked it on his tongue. Almost sounded like a dream to him. And maybe she was. But he realized if she was, he didn’t want to wake up if it was.

[wildlove836]

2017

wow. okay. when I said 2016 fuck me up I didnt mean literally. 

but god damn, once again I’ve rung in the new year heartbroken as can be, but wait there’s more. I fell in love with someone. he’s somehow worse than the last guy and hell I love him a thousand times more.

I’ve dealt with so much shit this year. I’m in a relationship with a drug addict. I didnt know it until about 3 months ago. I mean I knew, but I didnt know. 

He asked me to marry him literally the 3rd day we spent together. no I didnt say yes, but apparently I did because now hes calling me his fiance n shit. I ‘lost’ my virginity to this guy. It sounds fucked up but it isnt as bad as it seems. or maybe it is and I still have a long way to go before I figure it all out.

I think I really love him. I think he really loves me. But people keep telling me he’s going to love those little crystals more. 

I’ve seen some shit. My humdrum life has done a fucking tail spin in the last 6 months. I went from a full tank of gas and watching netflix all day to $1.43 in my bank account and needles hidden in the dresser drawers.

I’ve seen junkies, I’ve had shit stolen. I’ve watched him physically and mentally change without even noticing.

I’ve been choked and pushed and bruised and screamed at. I’ve done the same things back in a rage I didnt know I was capable of.

I’ve heard stories from child hood that make no sense but make perfect sense and I know I cant change the past but I’d very much like to.

I smoked weed and that shit was great at first but now its the only way I cant really talk to you, it seems. you told me that wasnt it but trust me. i’m too afraid to tell you the truth when we’re not...chill.

I’ve cried and screamed and walked away. I’ve waited hours upon hours for you to call. I havent slept and I’ve slept too much. I had a real panic attack for the first time in my life.

I’ve sat in the ER with you for 6+ hours after you crashed your car from being on adderall. I watched you literally mentally and physically break down in the pizza hut parking lot while normal fucking people watched and wondered what the fuck they could do for you and I just sat there next to you counting change from your pockets because you lost the receipts.

im sorry. i lost them somehow. who fucking knows. i’ll take the blame for it though if thats what I have to do.

i walked across train tracks wondering if maybe my foot my get caught while you told me you were addicted to sex and of course I should have already known this but surprise I didnt. its still my fault though.

we missed trick or treat with your daughter because you were on acid.

then the other day you brought her to my house and slept the whole time. you said what does it matter my parents see me taking her out of the house. well what the fuck do you care right. if you’re playing the part of dad. you son of a bitch. i love that girl and I know you do too but you better try harder. you better or you’ll lose faster if you have her.

I’ve seen you coming down down down. with a knife in your hands and the doors locked and the lights off. I’ve watched cops drive by thinking you were already dead.

I’ve had the best sexual experiences with you and only you. I got drunk and gave you a blow job after knowing I’d never have a dick in my precious mouth.

you called me perfectly imperfect for a while, now that i’ve lost my innocence you call me your miracle. these days I feel like a burden. enabler is the word i’m trying not to say because I know its the truth. but i didnt know. i swear i didnt.

and not in the fucking physical sense. i’m not giving him money or anything like that. im stressing him the fuck out. BUT FUCK HE NEVER MAKES ANY SENSE. and im stressed out too. doesnt anybody see that?

everybody knows him like I know him now. a fucking mind fuck. this little twat can turn a sentence around on you so quick you’re wondering what you even said in the first place. this mother fucker can have you so god damn confused you’re rethinking your whole life.

he does it on purpose. I think so he feels more normal on the inside. the only question I have is, was it the meth that brought it out of him or was it destined to come out eventually on its own. the crazy will never subside and I must admit that’s what somehow attracts me to him.

feeling like a complete dumbass after every conversation we have. BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS. he’ll say, like I already knew it. and then i’ll realize I did already know it. he was telling me all along, but in his own way. like a secret language. and I cant fucking afford the rosetta stone for crazy talk.

half the relationship i spend KNOWING this shit isnt right for me and here i am thinking i have to do this i have to do this but i still dont know what love is. its breaking the god damn futton i know. 

there’s no doubt about what i feel but really is it worth it. will he kill me. will i kill him. ive done things i never thought i would do. ive seen things i never thought i would see. the world is my fucking oyster over here. anything is possible. anything can happen. anything.

regardless, here I am. alone and wondering what hes doing. if he’s okay. a thousand and one fucking questions because he doesnt have a phone for me to call. and somehow now it feels like its my fault. it is my fucking fault and im crying a lot right now because of it. and im alone. so he can calm down. but i cant calm down without him. i need him. i need him. I NEED HIM. and im going insane worrying and wondering and crying and feeling okay for a little while.

now im just mad because hes okay without me. hes okay. and im not okay. it isnt fair. FUCK YOU. it isnt fair. do you even love me? DO YOU EVEN CARE. DO YOU EVEN DO YOU EVEN DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME. duh.

WHY DID I QUIT MY FUCKING JOB. I had what I needed. besides clarity and sanity so fuck, you cant blame me. hes been driving me insane since he spotted me.

but I know he fucking loves me. crazy people dont fuck around with shit like that. if they mean it they mean it. i feel it. I know it. I love it. its the only thing I understand ever. is my love for him. is it true. is it real. who fucking cares. its real and its ever present and its mostly reciprocated in good and bad ways. if i could walk away from it i already would have . i swear. i already would have but i havent so get off my fucking back.

but love is hard they tell me. love is fucking hard as hell and you’ve got to suffer before you can enjoy that shit, otherwise its not worth it. I realize this is too long and i’m not gonna reread it so nobody else is probably going to read it. thats okay. i needed to get it down on ‘paper’ just in case.

god just fucking pray for me or something. every time I feel like something is going to get worse it does okay. I had people burning up spoons in the trailer we were supposed to live in just to shoot up heroin and I was too busy making sure my boyfriend wasnt killing himself in a shed to realize. 

old dude (thats what they call people in fairdale) literally over dosed in the bed that was supposed to be mine. in the bedroom that was supposed to be mine but I cant say anything about it? I CANT SAY ONE GOD DAMN WORD ABOUT IT?

nah because bf is too nice to people who ‘care’ to realize what they’re really doing in the big picture. she put her clothes in the closet that was supposed to be mine. mine. FUCKING MINE. but i cant be mad because shes homeless and has cancer. what a fucking lifetime movie. I DIDNT NEED THIS TO KNOW I WAS A SELFISH PERSON. I ALREADY KNEW. I’M GOOD AT HIDING IT. I WANT MY CLOSET SPACE BACK. I see drug abuse and friendship and something strikes me as sketchy. OMG. and dont get me started on the cheating.

he cheats on me. he puts his dick inside his best friend while they’re fucked up on whatever. they tell me she says no everytime he asks but this time she didnt. oh wow. what a perfect picture of a life im stuck in. what a romantic gesture. WHAT A FUCKING ROMANTIC COMEDY OF LIFE. i can keep my perfect pussy to myself and he cant go one fucking day without trying to put his dick in something. I WILL BUY YOU A FUCKING GRAPEFRUIT TO FUCK IF THAT WILL KEEP YOUR DICK OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

he says hes taking a shit when he goes over there but he takes a shit every time and they’re long shits. idk if its to fuck or whatever but its for sure about drugs. drugs that tear people apart and keep the glued together and they’re fucking ripped seams. god this sounds like fucking trash and it is. it literally is. and I know it but I cant do a damn thing about it because I love this trash. hes not trash. but he acts like it.

I know he’s not trash because somehow he has it all figured out. its like his autistic niche is seeing into the future and knowing for god damn sure that something is going to turn out the way it is but he wont fucking tell me. just straight up tell me the truth. 

naaaah. that’d be too logical. he’d rather tell me the alternative lie. to keep me safe. HA. OKAY FROM WHAT. my life is so fucked up now.

needless to say 2016 has royally fucked me up. there’s probably a shit ton of stuff I forgot to mention and I should of because this is my collective fuck up recap but oh well. its not the last of it anyway. I know that for damn sure. 

I just hope that when we get married or whatever the fuck next big thing happens in our lives. I hope it balances out the bad shit. because the bad shit is getting really hard to deal with. like really hard. like my hands are shaking  sometimes hard and i feel like i cant kill myself because even in death i’d be worried about you and its nobodys fault but its our fault. 

I know it is. he’s not even supposed to be in a relationship right now and what does this fucker do. he falls in love. true love with an innocent girl who has no idea what shes about to fucking go through. god damn. somebody help me. somebody really help me. I know I will always love him. more than the other mother fuckers I thought I cared about. I will fucking love him. 

I FUCKING LOVE HIM. it makes me angry how much i love him. because it hurts me. a lot. but I wont stop. I cant. i wont. i never will. even if he stops loving me. i dont see how. but if he did. i’d still be calling and showing up and waiting outside and peeping in windows like a fucking nutcase. its my fucking ride or die. even if we broke up and i met someone else. god its not gonna be like this. it might be better. it might be a fucking dream. it might be date nights and morning kisses and flowers at work. but it wont be this. it wont be what i have with tey. nothing will ever be like this.and i fucking love that. im obsessed. im entranced. im in deep heartache love. 

and ironically he does literally the worst thing he could do. the worst thing. he could. is love me irrevocably. whole heartedly. stubbornly. passionately. intentionally. desperately. in return. a love that i could live with for eternity. without a shadow of a doubt love. til the day we die in each others fucking arms.

its killing him. its killing us. but its keeping us alive.

how sobering is that shit.