#sorry for some reason the fact that the cookie is dog shaped and the peppermint bark is called the way it is.. is just so evocative to me

[pikslasrce]

a dog surrounded by barks (colorized, 2025)

[psychospeak-blog]

Won’t Go Slowly // 28

One // Two  // Three // Four // Five // Six // Seven // Eight // Nine // Ten // Eleven // Twelve // Thirteen // Fourteen // Fifteen // Sixteen // Seventeen // Eighteen // Nineteen// Twenty // Twenty One // Twenty Two // Twenty Three // Twenty Four // Twenty Five // Twenty Six // Twenty Seven

A/N: Sorry it’s late!

One of the great things about working in academics, in your opinion, was the fact that you got extended holiday breaks.  You were spending most of your days hanging around the house with Marshall in your pajamas, going for a nice evening walk in the snow (usually still in your pajamas), taking breaks from the organizing and measuring of your office to look at baby furniture and watch movies, usually watching Grey's Anatomy over the phone with Tyler before bed.  Basically, the only thing you had to get dressed for these days was your prenatal yoga class and, even then, you were just wearing yoga clothes, so it was pretty much pajamas.

Today, though, however, you'd actually put clothes on because you and Marshall had a errand to run.  He was sitting in the passenger seat, sitting up like he was a human, and you got some interesting looks and laughs as you drove.  He looked so happy with himself though, that you couldn't resist taking a picture when you were at a stop light, sending it to Tyler.  Marshall started cowering, however, when you drove towards town, and you suspected he thought he was going to the vet again.

"It's okay, we're going someplace fun," you reassured him, although he still looked doubtful when you pulled into the parking lot.  You definitely knew that he'd been to a pet store when he was a puppy, because you'd been with him a couple of times when Tyler needed to grab dog food, but you weren't sure if he'd actually been to a pet store as an adult dog who you couldn't pick up anymore.  The good thing was that he was pretty well-behaved and even-keeled, so you biggest worry would probably be him taking out a shelf of items with his wagging tail.  

It was pretty humorous watching his eyes widen once you opened the door to the store as if he'd never seen such an incredible place before.  He looked up at you, like he wasn't quite sure he was even allowed to go inside but, once you told him he could, he stepped inside and started sniffing immediately.

"Hi," the girl behind the counter said brightly, her eyes cast downwards, "What's your name?"

You answered for him, and her eyes flicked up to yours again.  "Can he have a treat?"

When he heard the word 'treat', Marshall immediately sat down, and then started swiping at the air, trying to show off his ability to shake a paw.  "Yes," you said with a laugh, and she came out from around the counter, crouching down in front of him.

"I didn't have to ask you to sit," she said, giving him two treats, which he took happily.  Afterwards, she asked you what if you needed help finding anything, and you said you told her you were just looking for Christmas presents, so she left you to browse.  

You went to the Christmas section first, because they needed Christmas toys, in your opinion. You chose a Christmas tree that looked pretty chew proof for Gerry, and a soft reindeer for Marshall because he liked to cuddle with his toys. You were picking out a penguin with a squeaker for Cash, when you noticed a box of candy cane dog treats.  And then you got an awesome idea, and added it to the collection that you were creating.

And then you went to look in the regular toy section, picking Gerry out a puzzle toy that you could put treats inside that would hopefully keep him occupied because he'd apparently been having some....behaviour issues lately, and you found a toy that looking like skipping rocks for the pool or lake for Cash (and that Tyler would probably enjoy, too).  You were just deciding on a ball for Marshall that you could kick and throw and that also floated on water, when your phone pinged with a text from Tyler.

Tyler: Are you taking my dog on a date?

Tyler: Make sure he pays

Tyler: He'll probably try to get in your bed after just fyi

You laughed to yourself, and then you realized, that while you had a collection of presents for his dogs, you had absolutely no idea what to get for him.  Nothing seemed quite right, and you wondered if maybe you should try to do things differently this year.  You'd already gotten gifts for the pups, who were really easy to impress, and you knew Tyler had stuff for the baby.  So, maybe, you could just exchange Christmas presents between your "kids" for this year.  It wasn't like there was anything either of you needed, anyways.  

With your six toys and the holiday dog treats, you went to the check out counter, the woman from earlier before looking over all of your purchases and smiling down at Marshall.  "Someone's a lucky boy," she said, as she started to ring everything through.

"Oh, they're not all for him," you said, "For his brothers, too."

"How many brothers does he have?"

"Two," you answered, and before she could ask said, "All labs."

"Three labs?" she asked, and you noticed her glance at your belly, so you instinctively rubbed it, "that must be a busy household."

You opened your mouth, and then shut it again, because you weren't about to start explaining that they weren't your dogs.  "It is," you said, "But there's a lot of love, too."

"I'll bet," she said, bagging up all your purchases.  "Have a Merry Christmas, guys."

You were so overtaken by the Christmas spirit and all the decorations at the shopping plaza that you decided to stop at Starbucks for a holiday themed drink, and got a puppaccino for Marshall, which he devoured in the car.

When you got home, you contemplated calling Tyler, but you couldn't remember whether he had a game tonight or not.  And then you remembered the internet.

You crashed on the couch as the phone was ringing, to which Tyler answered, "So, did he kiss you?"

You didn't know what he was talking about, until you remembered the text he sent you in the store.  "Yes," you answered, "With tongue."

"That's aggressive," Tyler said, and then, "Hang on, babe, one sec."

You were expecting him to set the phone down while he did something, but instead you heard him say in a stern voice.  "Gerry, stop that.  Those are expensive shoes."

You heard a shuffling noise and then a sigh.  "Sorry," he said, "someone is acting like a two year old."

"Well, isn't he?"

"Not in dog years," he said, and then, in his dog voice, "Oh, and now you want to cuddle with me, huh? Are you sorry for what you did?"

You shook your head, laughing.  "I had a question," you said, "About Christmas."

"Santa's real," Tyler said, "Don't let anybody tell you otherwise."

You snickered, laying back on the couch and running a hand through your hair.  "No, I was wondering if maybe you and I could not exchange Christmas gifts this year?"

" Why?" Tyler whined.

" Because, I know you already got stuff for the baby..."

"So? You always get presents for me and the dogs.  I'm not allowed to get you a present, too?"

" Tyler, I just don't think we should --""

"Well, it's too late," he said, "I already have your present."

"What is it?"

"I'm not telling you," he said, "That'd defeat the whole purpose of a present."

Obviously.  But you really just needed an idea of what it might be so you could get a comparable gift.  "Is it something for the baby?"

"Mmmnope, that's separate," he said, "Well, kind of, I guess, in a way."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that you might enjoy it while you're pregnant.  But it's just for you," he said, "And it's not what you might think, either."

"What?" You questioned.  You definately hadn't hinted that there was anything you wanted because there wasn't.   

"I mean, I understand if you want a vibrator, but I don't really feel comfortable buying that for you.  It's kind of personal thing."

"Tyler!" You yelled, in shock that he had just said that.  But, in all honestly, you shouldnt be that suprised. "Seriously...."

He laughed loudly.  When he was done, he said, "It's just a little something.  You don't have to freak out or anything."

You sunk back into the couch, even more if possible.  "I don't know what to get you."

"You don't have to get me anything for Christmas," he said, "you can just get me twice as many presents for my birthday, it's fine."

"If you're getting me something for Christmas, then I'm getting you something for Christmas," you said, "What do you want?"

"A really big hug?"

"Tyler..."

"Uhh..."  he make a noise like he just fell back into the couch.   "Honestly, I'd be really happy if you baked me some cookies. Like, a whole tin I can take back with me and not have to share."

You were about to respond when you heard a knocking noise, and then a ruffle of paws against the floor.  "Hey, babe, I gotta head out for dinner," he said, and then after you said "okay", he added, "With some of the guys.  I'll call you later, okay?  If Gerry doesn't eat my entire house while I'm gone.  Cash, you're babysitting."

After you said goodbye, you laid your head back, looking up at Marshall sitting at the under end of the couch, staring at you.  "What do you think I should get for your Dad?" you asked, and he just tilted his head, still staring at you.  You reached up, scratching him behind the ears.  "Well, you're no help at all."

It seemed impossible, this year, for some reason.  Nothing quite seemed to fit quite right, or be the right combination, and then you realized why.

What did you get for the man who had already given you the best gift ever?

Nothing seemed like it would ever be enough.

**

"C'mon," you said to Marshall, opening the  door to the car so he could jump out, grabbing the box of candy cane shaped dog biscuits, ready to enact the plan that had come to you in the pet store.  You grabbed the tray with your peppermint mocha and Marshall's puppaccino to set the Christmas spirit even more, unlocking the door to Tyler's house with one hand, setting everything down, and then going around to turn on lights.  And turn on some Christmas music.

"Are you going to help me with the tree?" you asked him, but he just sat down and then pawed your leg, and you realized he just wanted his treat.  So, you gave it to him, while you ventured into the garage, realizing that this was going to be the hard part.  You found the box with the tree first, realizing that it was way to cumbersome for you to lift by yourself right now.  So, you took piece by piece out, setting them in the living room, while Marshall was licking his container of whipped cream across the floor.  You might have created a bad habit.

You huffed as you used your legs to push the couch out of the way just enough that you could set the tree up, Marshall looking at you like you were crazy for moving the furniture. Finally, it was out of the way enough that you could begin setting the tree up, standing back and taking a sip of your Peppermint Mocha every now and then, singing along with the music as you fluffed the tree up.  Once you were satisfied with it, you plugged in the lights, and then went back into the garage for the boxes of decorations, bringing them up to the living room.  On your last pass, you noticed through the window that it had started to snow again, so you opened the garage door, deciding to put your car in there while you were here so you wouldn't have to wipe all the snow off it afterwards.  

Marshall was waiting for you at the door when you went back inside, and you leaned down to pet him.  "I'm not leaving you here, don't worry."

He left and came back with a rope a moment later, pushing it against your leg, and you halfheartedly reached down and tugged it a little, knowing that if you went hard, he could pull you over.  You also realized that Tyler hadn't really packed any toys for him, probably because he had thought he was hurt so, other than the couple of tennis balls you had around your house, Marshall hadn't had any toys, so you made a mental note to take a couple with you when you left.

You opened the bins, taking a look at what you had to work with, and then you noticed the Dallas Stars ornaments sitting on top, and remembered that you thought he had a game for tonight.  You turned on the TV, flicking through the channels and muting it, so it didn't compete with the holiday music you had going.  You finally found it, and saw the game was still scoreless.  St. Louis, that's where it was.

His ornaments were kind of a hodgepodge, probably because he didn't always spend Christmas here. There were the Dallas Stars ornaments, a couple of hockey related ornaments you recognized that his Mom had given him when he was a kid, and quite a few dog ornaments, that probably his mom had given him at some point as well, as well as several of those cinnamon ornaments that you'd made together your second year of college, when you'd got yourself a mini Christmas tree for your apartment but didn't to spend money on ornaments.  The rest was a mix of plain Christmas balls, like he'd just bought them at the last minute to fill in all the holes.  They didn't even match. You made do, as best as you could, thankful that the lights were white so there wasn't a huge clash.  You were almost done, when you found something hard, wrapped in tissue at the bottom of the box, and you unwrapped it to find an ornament, one of which you had very similar, that you made in the ceramics portion of art in eight grade.  His was, well, it was absolutely horrible looking, paint swiped across it at the last minute, and you remember Kirsten mercilessly making fun of him for it, even before they were together, and before you really knew him.  You hung it on a branch, right front and centre. And then you dug into the last  wrapped item, but it fell out and you started laughing immediately, half bending and half squatting to pick up the tiny curve of wood.   You remembered it, when he was taking this woodworking class in eleventh grade, and he'd been excited because he had this elaborate plan to jigsaw a skate out of wood.  But the skate, as he showed you, kept getting smaller and smaller, and he ended up having to form it into a hockey stick, and he ended up failing the assignment, and you'd had to bite your lip not to try and laugh when he showed you his finished project. His mom, if you remembered, said something like "that's great, honey," when he showed it to her, and the both of you had exchanged a look like it wasn't.

You hung that on the tree, too, and were about to go about your project, when you realized that Marshall was sniffing the box of treats that you had bought, and you had a sudden vision of the tree toppling over as the dogs attacked it, especially with how Gerry was apparently acting.  You sat down on the couch to rethink your plan, noticing that it was snowing even harder now, and you really, really were not in the mood to drive home while it was snowing.  So, ordered yourself a pizza and went to Tyler's room, rummaging through his drawers to find yourself a pair of pj pants and a shirt. And then you found a string of garland, working on weaving it through the stairs, hanging the candy cane dog treats off it when you were done.  Marshall was very curious about what you were doing, so you had to instruct him not to eat all the treats right now.

It looked pretty great, in your opinion, when you were done.  The only thing you hadn't done was hung the star, because you'd have to stand on something to do so, and you didn't want to do that when your centre of gravity was constantly changing.  But, at least his tree would be up and decorated when he got home for the holidays.

You ate your pizza as you watched the end of the game, finally crawling into bed with Marshall afterwards, arranging a variety of pillows around you, with him curled up by your legs.  Both of you fell asleep pretty quickly, and you could hear Marshall start to snore just as you drifted off, too.

It was so much lighter in the room when you woke in a daze, realizing that what woke you was Marshall growling by your feet.  You reached your hand out to pet him, thinking he was dreaming, but his head was up, and he was staring at the half open door growling. You didn't hear anything, other than snow falling off the tree outside.  "Marshall," you said lightly, frowning when he bared his teeth, not even looking at you, "It's okay."

All of a sudden, he lept out of bed, barking like you'd never heard him bark before, pushing past the door, and  then you heard a voice. "It's just me."   It startled you, but it seemed familiar, and then you placed it, flying out of bed yourself because you could hear Marshall still barking and a commotion on the stairs.

"Marshall!" you yelled, throwing open the door, and seeing Tyler's Dad standing there petting Marshall now, who had calmed, although the hair on the back of his neck was still standing up, a remnant of him trying to make himself more intimidating.

When Marshall saw you, he came back over to you, and you crouched down, petting him, "It's okay," you said, and he licked you on the face, and then you asked Paul, "He didn't hurt you, did he?"

"Nah, he was fine once he realized who he was," he said, "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.  Tyler didn't tell me you were here."

"Oh, he doesn't know I'm here," you said, and then you cringed, "I mean, he gave me a key.  He just didn't know I was here, tonight."

He laughed, "It's his house, you don't have to explain it to me," he said, and you stood back up slowly, your legs feeling shaking when you realized you that you were standing here, in front of Tyler's father wearing Tyler's clothes, with a pretty noticeable baby bump.  And you had no idea what to say.

"You're...." Paul said, his eyes eyes drifting downwards and your hand going over your belly, because there was no way of hiding it. "I didn't know you were....expecting."

Shit, shit.  Shit, shit, shit.  

"Yeah," you answered, "Umm...Tyler was going to tell you over Christmas."

He nodded a little, looking like he was deep in contemplation.  "So, you're....living here now?  With Tyler?  I didn't see your car or anything."

"Oh, no, no," you said quickly, "I just came to set up the tree.  My car's in the garage. It was snowing, so I didn't want to drive."

He smiled then, for a moment, "That's just what I was coming over to do this morning."

"Oh sorry, I didn't realize."

"No, no, I'm sure you could do a better job of it than I could anyways," he smiled, "I just wanted it to be here for when Tyler got home."

You stood there for a moment, just looking at each other and then you realized the reason he thought you were living there, was because he thought the baby you were having was Tyler's.  Which it was.  But only kind of.

"It's his sperm!" you blurted out.  And then you realized you just said the word 'sperm' again, to Tyler's father, and you shook your head.  

"What?" Paul asked.

"I...I wanted to have a baby," you said, "And Tyler donated sperm.  At the clinic.  We went to the clinic a lot."  You realized you were rambling now, trying to make sense of anything, and avoid telling him all the details.

"It's not his responsibility," you tried, rubbing your hand over your belly more.  

"Oh," he said simply, and then he scratched the back of his head, much like Tyler did, "Well, I should go.  Let you go back to sleep."

"It's okay," you said.  It wasn't like this was your house anyways.

"Nah, I just came to do that job anyways," he said, looking like he was thinking about going, "You're not, you weren't planning on staying here tonight were you? I'm sure you can, I'm not saying you should go."

"I was going to go home," you said, and then added with a laugh, to make him feel like he wasn't putting you out, "There's no groceries here, anyways."

"Oh," he said, "Do you need groceries? I can..."

"Oh no, I've got plenty.  At home."

"Okay," he said, turning away and then back again, like he didn't know quite what to do.  "I'll just shovel the driveway for you before I go."

"Oh, that's okay," you said, leaning down to pet Marshall, hoping to steal some of his calm.  "You don't have to do that."

"It's no trouble," he said, "you should be safe."

You knew you weren't going to convince him otherwise, so you accepted, a mix of 'take care''s and 'it was nice to see you"s as he left, and you ran your hand over your face as soon as the door closed in embarrassment.  And then you realized you weren't even wearing a bra, either.  Great.

You took a long shower, needing to completely wash all the awkward off you, realizing that you'd need to call Tyler and tell him, but you couldn't face that right now.  Maybe after breakfast.  

After you got out of the shower though and realized that Paul was no longer in the driveway, you went back into Tyler's room and your phone was lit up with a text.

Tyler: HAHAHAHAHA

You groaned, focusing on making yourself pancakes , and feeding Marshall, and then  trying to enjoy said pancakes.

It was probably 40 minutes later when your phone rang, and you answered it with a heavy "hi", to which Tyler responded with giggles.

"I can't believe my Dad walked in on you," he took a break to breathe, "in my bed. And that Marshall tried to attack him."

"It's not funny," you said.  It was mortifying is what it was.  "And I was not in your bed.  I was in the hallway outside your bedroom."

"But you were in my bed," he said, "Why were you in my bed?"

"Tyler," you started.

"I gave you a key, you're allowed to use it," he said, still sounded amused by the whole thing.  "I'm just curious, why were you in my bed?"

"I...." you looked down at the dog at your feet, and remembered not to give away the whole surprise, "I came over to get some toys for Marshell and it started snowing so I just decided to sleep here."

If he didn't believe you, he didn't let on.  "Were you naked?"

"No, I was not naked," you said, "I was in your clothes.  Which is worse."

Tyler laughed.  "How is that worse?"

"Because it's like...it's like we're sleeping together."

"Well, we did sleep together," he said.

"Yes, but I don't want your Dad to know that," you said, and then you remembered there were so much more important things: the pregnancy.  The baby.  "What did he say?"

"Uh...I'm not sure if he really believed you," Tyler said, "Or me.  I might have to show him the paperwork."

"Oh god," you muttured, sitting down at the kitchen table again.

"Babe, it's fine," Tyler said, "Honestly.  Honestly, he's probably just glad I got someone pregnant on purpose."

You made a small noise because telling everyone was a lot, and you didn't expect to be so involved in the process.  Especially when Tyler had said it was his responsibility.

"Don't worry, I'll fix it," he said, "You're really making this easy on me, you know."

"Hmm?"

"You tell everyone, and then I just get to swoop in and smooth everything over," he said.

"Okay,  I did not tell your mother, you let it slip."

"You told her you were pregnant," Tyler said, "that helped.  You wanna tell my sisters, too?"

"No."

"Please?" He asked sweetly.

"Not a chance."

[the-grumpy-panda]

That's Not A Snack Box...

THIS is a snack box! Oof. An extremely outdated and severely tired Crocodile Dundee joke? I'm sorry. So very sorry. But it's time for another snack box adventure. This time from Australia! Land of Brody Dalle! Land of Isla Fisher! Land of the Irukandji jellyfish! All beautiful and deadly in their own unique way. Thanks, Australia. This sugary, salty and unhealthy excursion is courtesy of Snack Crate. A bit pricier (although I did opt for the 'premium' box) than other boxes I've tried, but this box is quite hefty and fully loaded with a wide assortment, and for a few bucks more, they also offer a drink option, which I of course threw in as well. I want the whole experience. So as a (possibly) one time splurge, I feel alright with the price. For anyone not wanting to splurge big, there are a total of three box sizes to choose from. Of course, the lower the price, the less goodies you'll receive. Two day shipping is also already included in the price. Express shipping is also available if you simply can't wait two days. But I'll tell ya, I ordered my trial box on a Friday evening, and the very following Monday afternoon I had it in my hands. That's a hell of a fast turnaround, and I praise Snack Crate for that. The insides were wrapped in a pleasant and fun themed paper, also included was a sleeve of Australian based stickers (Fun! I'm not going to secretly decorate the desk of the girl I secretly like as if I were a ten year old...) and the always appreciated sturdy booklet with some fun Australia facts, information and a run down of all the treats included in the box. All it truly lacked was a hand written welcome and a picture from Rose Byrne to class it up a bit. Come on Australia, she just looks like a princess, put her to use! For ease and comfort, I'm just going to run down the treats in the order they appear in the booklet. So, put on some Colin Hay (an Australian transplant, but I'll allow it) music and settle in, we're off to a land of snacks atop the counter! -Violet Crumble! A crunchy honeycomb toffee center coated in milk chocolate. I was not expecting this to be as crunchy as it is. It bites as if it were frozen. Even with the density of the center, it melts nicely in your mouth. It's a very airy sort of nougat. For being as hard as it is, the airiness is still a perplexing note. This is a candy bar to study! It's also fortunately very tasty. A very smooth honey infused toffee flavor that is delicious and makes me wish more treats used this formula. A great way to start this box!

-Milo Snack! Crunchy cereal pieces mixed with chocolate powder and dipped in milk. Hmm. Cereal pieces is a vague description. Dipping in milk seems odd to me for some reason in a pre-packaged item. Can't specifically explain why. Let's open this oddity and see what we see. Upon opening I discover it looks like one of those ready to go milk and cereal bars available nowadays. This looks like Cocoa Krispies smooshed up and then yes, a layer on the bottom of whatever milk substance companies use to make sure milk congeals and sticks to the bottom of things. Unfortunately, this bar smells exactly like dried dog food, so my first, and very tiny, bite is taken with trepidation. Not a winner here. It tastes merely of very old and very stale Cocoa Puffs. -French Fries Original! Australia's original potato straw snack! Just a simple and classic salty potato chip flavor, but in straw form. These do have a pleasant crunch, though. -Tim Tam Original! Two chocolate cookie biscuits filled with chocolate cream and covered in chocolate. For all the chocoholics! The name Tim Tam seems familiar. Either I've had them before somewhere along the way, or they are so popular in Australia, knowledge of their existence has permeated out. Like Natalie Imbruglia. You know the name, but you can't remember when last you saw her and if you liked her music or not. Time to try it again. Ha. These deliver exactly what they promise. Chocolate on chocolate covered in chocolate. A nice cookie crunch that's not too hard, the middle is tasty and the covering chocolate is smooth, creamy and adds to the whole flavor. A good treat, but one that could also get old quickly. Eat in small doses. -Fantales! Smooth and velvety caramels, coated with milk chocolate. Quite dense. Be prepared to be gnawing on this little sucker for a couple of minutes. It's not great, but it's certainly not awful. Comparable to a Milk Dud I suppose, but with a higher chocolate component and better made. I'd eat one if offered, but not a caramel treat I'd actively seek out for myself. -Arnott's Shapes Pizza! Pizza flavored biscuits. Um, what exactly do pizzas in Australia look like? These crackers resemble coffins to me. Which is fine, I'm into it, but is this a general Australian pizza shape or am I just a rambling moron inadvertently insulting an entire country? I'm not really getting a "pizza" taste here. It's more like an oregano infused cracker. Not bad for what it is, but it's lacking something and doesn't deliver the promised flavor. Or maybe it does. Someone send over Karen Martini to make me an Australian pizza, please. Thanks. -Twisties Cheese! Apparently Australia's most popular snack. Corn and rice snack with cheese flavoring! Let's crack a bag! They look like Chee-Tos, but the taste is definitely different. This cheese coating seems a bit creamier or milkier and they're not as salty as Chee-Tos, which is a big bonus. All said and done, though, I like these but I don't love them.

-All the snacking has made me thirsty. Luckily I opted for the drink! Here comes Solo Original Lemon! A refreshing drink made with 5% crushed lemons! The can says so! And it absolutely shows in the flavor. This is not just another "lemon-lime" sugared up soda. Oh, no. This is like a very genuine and nicely home made lemonade with some carbonation thrown in. I dig it. It is refreshing and tasty. Back to the foods! -Chomp Caramel! A crispy wafer layered with caramel then coated with chocolate. I have nothing else to compare this to other than a Charleston Chew, but it is most assuredly not a Charleston Chew. It bears the same shape, the consistency is close, but the flavor of the Chomp is far superior and the addition of a thin wafer layer gives the Chomp bar a very nice and welcome crunch and added fun element. The caramel here is very smooth, and it eats easily, as opposed to a Charleston Chew trying to yank your fillings out. A solid winner, here.

-Allen's Pineapples! Pineapple shaped gummy candy! A bit more solid than gummy candies I'm used to, and the pineapple flavor is very subtle. Another not great but not bad candy. Pairs well with the Solo Lemon drink, though, for a weird sort of tropical taste trip. -Wagon Wheels! Marshmallow filling between two soft biscuits and dipped in chocolate. Sounds like a Moon Pie to me! Let's see if we'll notice any differences. It's certainly a lot thinner than a Moon Pie. The cookie, while soft, still has a bit of a welcome crunch to it, the chocolate is very chocolatey and what I didn't know at first was this Wagon Wheel also has a thin layer of jam within. It doesn't say what kind of jam, so it could be Vegemite jam. But since my American taste buds aren't heaving, it's safe to assume it's some sort of fruit jam. I like this a lot, and far better than the Moon Pies I'm used to, which admittedly I haven't eaten one in probably twenty years. Just not a fan. The Wagon Wheel also gets to be too much of a good thing. A mini Wagon Wheel would be a perfect serving size. -Milky Way! Yep, a Milky Way! But the Australian version is only filled with a light and sweet nougat. Which means it's a 3 Musketeers bar. Nice try Australia! I'm on to your ruse. You owe me one Abbie Cornish. -Iced Vovo! A biscuit topped with pink fondant, a strip of raspberry filling and sprinkled with coconut. These are a beautiful cookie. Ready made for presentations and for putting on airs. If you were fifteen and had no idea how to impress anyone, that is. And that's not a slam against the cookie... but it is still just a cookie. Taste wise, they are sadly just okay. I like the cookie part, I like the raspberry stripe, but the fondant and the coconut just don't work and those two items should never be paired together to begin with. But I'm going to place the majority of the blame on the fondant. A raspberry coconut cookie could have been lovely. Fondant is... it's just somehow not right. Ever. I know you know what I mean. How cake makers get away with using it so much is a mystery to me. -Chokito! A Milk chocolate bar filled with caramel and crispy rice. Or as the packaging proclaims... "Chewy Caramel Fudge! Crunchy Balls! & Loads Of Chocolate!" This doesn't quite work. It tastes like all the ingredients are quite cheap, and seems like a drunk babysitter just dumped leftover pieces from other treats into bowl and gave it to you to shut you up for a minute. This candy bar made me sad. -Cherry Ripe! A mix of cherry, coconut and dark chocolate! Australia's oldest candy bar! I would have been much better served by this were it bite size pieces instead of a whole bar. It's good, I enjoy it, but it has far too much coconut. The cherry notes are wonderful when they finally fight their way through the coconut. -Peppermint Crisp. Milk chocolate bar filled with thin cylinders of peppermint flavored toffee pieces. Those who know know I'm no fan or friend of mint, but I'll try this bar all the same. Nope. Nope Nope. Nope. It's like a candy cane covered in chocolate and the inside color is that of mouth wash. Nope Nope Nope. Don't want. -Caramello Koala! A chocolate bar filled with caramel. Pretty direct. And exactly what you'd expect. It's made by Cadbury, so it's safe to assume most of us have had a chocolate and caramel product by Cadbury at some point, or at least something strikingly similar. No muss or fuss here, it is what it claims to be and serves its purpose.

-Cheezels! Corn and rice rings with a zesty cheddar cheese sauce! Very similar in taste to Chee-Tos Paws but a bit crunchier. Not bad. Slightly too salty for me, all the same, though. -Cadbury Picnic! Crispy wafer with caramel, peanuts and raisins covered in chocolate. A very hard candy bar. Watch your teeth with these. Taste a lot like a frozen Baby Ruth bar somehow. It's alright, but it's hardness level wouldn't make me a repeat buyer.

-Golden Vines Anzac Biscuits! Just a big ol' honking cookie. Apparently these were sent to Australian soldiers in WW1 as a reminder of home. This might be one leftover from then. It's hard, it's dry, and it's only remotely sweet. Tastes like an oatmeal cookie that only used honey for sweetening. All that being said, I can honestly see the appeal to this cookie. Once I swallowed my initial bite and set it aside, the flavors really took hold and I want another bite. It's very large, though, so I imagine this one cookie will last a few days, if not a week. Which makes their part of soldier history make a lot more sense, as well. This seemingly bland and innocuous little cookie is the surprising little cookie that could. Thumbs up. -Wizz Fizz Sherbet! A sweet powder that fizzes in your mouth! Thanks Wizz Fizz. I am now coated in your powdery wares because opening this little pack was like opening a gag gift. Despite my efforts to prevent such a thing, the moment the package got the tiniest tear, its contents flew everywhere. So now I must appear to be a messy baker covered in powdered sugar, or some sort of coke fiend who knocked over his mirror. Including a tiny spoon in your packaging just the right size for a "sniff" isn't helping. Are you trying to be the "cool" "street cred" candy maker? Plus, your product doesn't fizz whatsoever in my mouth. It sat there, lumping up like a gob of remorse. This product sucks. I hate everything about it. -Last in line for this sojourn is Allen's Chico's! Cocoa flavored gummy candies! Gelatin and cocoa just do not mix. It's like uncooked brownie batter left atop your fridge for two weeks. Dang. Ended on a sad note. Just the way things go sometimes. Might be a good time to revisit the 1996 Australian bio-pic "Shine." Or perhaps 1978's "Patrick." Thanks again, Australia. Until next time, I am momentarily The Grumpy Koala. Koala's sleep up to twenty hours a day! Waking to eat, and "socialize." Now that's a life. Cheers, mates!