#sorry for no formatting

[hells-greatest-performers]

OH NO THE BABY BETTER BE OKAY

Alastor: *reaches out, gently but firmly grabbing Lucifer's arm* Please, Lucifer. Let's go to the hospital. We can't risk it.

Lucifer: *starts to feel a wave of dizziness, demonic form flickering* I... I didn't realize...

Alastor: *softer now, eyes filled with concern* I know you didn't. But we need to act quickly. For the baby's sake. For our sake.

Lucifer: *nods, finally reverting to his normal form, looking scared and vulnerable* Okay... let's go.

Alastor: *guides Lucifer carefully* I'm here with you. We're going to be okay.

Lucifer: *voice shaky* Thank you, Alastor. I'm sorry for...

Alastor: Shh, it's okay. Let's just focus on getting you the help you need.

They hurriedly leave the house via shadow magic, Alastor supporting Lucifer as they head to the hospital…

Upon arrival, Alastor helps Lucifer inside, where they are immediately attended to by medical staff.

Nurse: *seeing the state Lucifer is in* We need a wheelchair over here! *turns to Alastor* How far along is he?

Alastor: He's five months pregnant. He started bleeding suddenly.

Doctor: *arrives with a wheelchair* Let's get you to a room and see what's going on. Try to stay calm. We'll take good care of you.

Lucifer: *breathing heavily, gripping Alastor's hand* Thank you.

They quickly move Lucifer to an examination room and set up an ultrasound.

Doctor: *applying gel to Lucifer's abdomen* This might feel cold. We're going to check on the baby now.

Lucifer: *nervously watching the screen* Please, just tell me everything's alright...

Doctor: *examining the ultrasound* The baby's heartbeat is strong, which is a good sign. But we need to find the source of the bleeding.

Alastor: *standing by Lucifer, holding his hand tightly* What do we need to do?

Doctor: We'll need to monitor him closely and run a few more tests to ensure both he and the baby are safe. For now, you need to stay as calm and relaxed as possible. Stress can make things worse.

Lucifer: *nods, trying to calm his breathing* Okay... I'll try.

Alastor: *stroking Lucifer's hair gently* You're doing great, love. Just focus on our baby and staying calm.

Doctor: *smiling reassuringly* We'll take care of the rest. We'll keep you both updated on what's happening.

Lucifer: *squeezing Alastor's hand* I'm glad you're here with me.

Alastor: *kissing his forehead* Always.

Doctor: *finishing the ultrasound and wiping off the gel* Alright. It looks like the baby is stable for now, which is a good sign. However, the bleeding is concerning, and we need to figure out what’s causing it.

Lucifer: *worried* What do you think it could be?

Doctor: There are several possibilities. It could be a placental abruption, where the placenta starts to separate from the uterus. It could also be a sign of preterm labor, or an infection. We need to run some tests to determine the exact cause.

Alastor: *squeezing Lucifer's hand* What can we do in the meantime?

Doctor: For now, Lucifer needs to stay here for observation. We’ll run blood tests and keep monitoring the baby’s heartbeat. It’s important to keep stress levels down and to rest as much as possible.

Lucifer: *nodding, looking pale* Okay.

Doctor: *turning to the nurse* Let’s get an IV started and draw some blood for the tests. Also, prepare a room for overnight observation.

Nurse: Right away, Doctor. *begins setting up an IV line*

Lucifer: *tears welling up* I’m so scared, Alastor. I don’t want to lose the baby. I’m sorry I was playing favorites! I’ve learned my lesson! Just please make sure the baby is okay!

Alastor: *stroking Lucifer’s hair gently* I know, love. But we’re in good hands, and we’ll do everything we can to keep both of you safe.

Nurse: *gently inserting the IV* This will help keep you hydrated and allow us to give you any necessary medications.

Doctor: We’ll keep a close eye on you and update you as soon as we have more information. Try to rest now. The tests shouldn’t take too long.

Lucifer: *closing his eyes, trying to relax*

Alastor: *sitting beside the bed, holding Lucifer’s hand* Just focus on resting. I’m not going anywhere.

Time passes as the medical team conducts their tests and monitors Lucifer closely. Eventually, the doctor returns with the results.

Doctor: *entering the room with a serious but calm expression* Lucifer, Alastor, we have the test results.

Lucifer: *sitting up slightly, anxiety clear on his face* What did you find out?

Doctor: It appears that you have a mild placental abruption. The placenta has started to separate from the uterine wall, which is causing the bleeding. Fortunately, it’s a minor abruption, and the baby’s vital signs are still strong.

Alastor: *concerned* What does this mean for the pregnancy?

Doctor: With careful monitoring and rest, we can manage this condition. You’ll need to stay in the hospital for a few days for observation. We’ll administer medications to help prevent contractions and manage any pain. It’s crucial to avoid any physical or emotional stress.

Lucifer: *nodding slowly* Okay. I’ll do whatever it takes.

Alastor: *determined* We’ll follow your instructions, Doctor. Thank you for taking care of him.

Doctor: *smiling reassuringly* You’re welcome. We’ll do everything we can to ensure a safe and healthy pregnancy. Try to rest, both of you. We’ll be checking in regularly.

Lucifer: *squeezing Alastor’s hand* Thank you, Doctor.

Alastor: *kissing Lucifer’s forehead* Just focus on getting better.

Lucifer: *smiling weakly* I will. Thank you for being here with me, Alastor.

[tuned-in-for-two]

Sigh * puts another sign that says “ I’m a bitch” on Adam without him noticing *

Charlie: *excitedly* Okay, let’s get started! I’ll go first! *turns to the group, taking a deep breath* So, something vulnerable about me… I guess, well, sometimes I worry that I’m not good enough to run the hotel. That I won’t be able to help anyone, and that I’ll just keep letting everyone down…*takes a deep breath and turns her back to the group.* Okay, here I go! Catch me! *falls backward, and the group, mostly Vaggie, Lucifer, and Niffty, step forward to catch her*

Vaggie: *grunting* You really trust people too much, Charlie.

Charlie: *laughing as she stands up* See? It’s not so bad! Who’s next?

Niffty: *bouncing on her heels* Me, me! I’ll go next! *runs up to the stage excitedly* Sometimes, I like to use the bugs I kill as puppets for a puppet show and have them reenact you all! *eagerly jumps off but no one but Baxter catches her* That was fun!

Charlie: *looking around* “Okay, who’s next? Husk?

Husk: *sighing* Fine, I’ll go. *pauses for a moment, looking like he’d rather be anywhere else* Something vulnerable, huh? Well… I guess I’m scared of being left behind. People come and go in Hell. It’s hard to trust anyone’ll stick around.

The group is silent for a moment, and Husk quickly turns his back to them and falls, bracing himself. Lucifer moves and quickly catches Husk in his arms*

Lucifer: I’m having the realization that you shouldn’t have participated in this particular exercise in your condition.

Husk: so now you tell me?

Cherri: *snickering* Didn’t think you’d be the type to open up, Husk.

Husk: *grumbling and Lucifer sets him down gently* “Yeah, yeah. Who’s next?”

Baxter: *stepping forward, adjusting his glasses nervously* I suppose I’ll go. Vulnerability… right. I tend to overthink everything, especially my experiments. I’m terrified of failure, even though I know it’s inevitable sometimes.

He turns his back and falls, and Niffty is the only one who catches him

Adam: *huffing impatiently* This is pointless.

Charlie: *shooting him a look* Your turn, Adam. You agreed to participate.

Adam: *rolling his eyes but stepping forward* Fine. Vulnerable? I don’t do ‘vulnerable.’ But since I have to say something… I guess… I’m furious about losing everything. I used to have power, status, everything I wanted. Now, I’m just another sinner. It pisses me off.

Without warning, Adam falls back, and though Charlie and Lucifer manage to catch him.

Lucifer: Holy fuck you’re fat! Luckily I’m an angel who is strong!

Adam: Oh fuck you! *gets immediately dropped to the ground*

Charlie: *enthusiastically* Okay! Cherri, your turn!

Cherri: *shrugs casually* Sure, why not? Something vulnerable, huh? Alright. I guess sometimes I wonder if all the chaos I cause actually means anything. Like, what if I’m just wasting my time?

She falls back, and the group catches her easily.

Charlie: *grinning* “Okay, last but not least… Dad, you’re up!”

Lucifer: *smiling slightly* Very well *pauses, thinking for a moment* Vulnerability… Alright. As much as I project confidence, there are times I worry about the future of Hell. About the balance of power, the souls we’re responsible for, and… about you, Charlie. I’ve seen so many rulers fall, and I fear for what might happen to you.

The room falls quiet, taken aback by Lucifer’s honesty. He then turns and falls, and the group catches him, though with a bit more effort due to his presence.

Charlie: *smiling warmly* See? That wasn’t so bad! We’re all in this together. *pauses* Even Adam.

Adam: *grumbling* Don’t push it.

[royal-apple-cider-martini]

I mean, I know no one here is a Al fan. But there is a innocent baby involved, maybe someone should go help?

Lucifer: *steps forward cautiously, eyeing Alastor with a mixture of concern and distrust* What have you done, Alastor?

Angel Dust: *looks at Lysander, conflicted* That's... your son?

Alastor: *nods slowly* His name is Lysander.

Husk: *sighs heavily, torn between anger and pity* Alastor, you've gone too far this time.

Alastor: *holds Lysander tighter, eyes darting between the trio* You wouldn't understand.

Lucifer: *steps closer, his tone cold* We're not here for you, Alastor. We're here for the baby.

Alastor: *curls protectively around Lysander* You won't take him from me. He's mine.

Angel Dust: *takes a step forward, voice softer* We just want to make sure he's safe, Alastor. That's all.

Alastor: *shakes his head, sweat mingling with blood on his brow* He's safe with me. I won't let anyone harm him.

Lucifer: *exchanges a look with Angel and Husk, then takes a calming breath* Alastor, let us help you. You're in no condition to protect him right now.

Alastor: *laughs bitterly* And you think you can? You think you're better than me?

Husk: *steps forward carefully* We're not here to fight, Alastor. We just want to help the baby.

Alastor: *gazes at them with wary eyes, torn between defiance and exhaustion* Fine. But he stays with me. Always.

Lucifer: *nods solemnly*

Angel Dust: *sighs in relief, cautiously approaching* Let's get you both out of here, alright?

Alastor: *holds Lysander closer, his gaze hardening*

Lucifer: *gestures towards the portal* Let's get you to a hospital, Alastor.

[whalemeansgrace]

[corruptimles]

MikuAllWeeku Day 4: Five Nights at Freddy's

[spoopdeedoop]

WYD WHEN MY GANG PULL UP !!!

[clarissasbakery]

walk with me, walk with me yall….

[heritageposts]

What does life in North Korea look like outside of Pyongyang? 🇰🇵

Hey, I'm back again with a very scary "tankie" post that asks you to think of North Koreans as people, and to consider their country not as a cartoonish dystopia, but as a nation that, like any other place on earth, has culture, traditions, and history.

Below is a collection of pictures from various cities and places in North Korea, along with a brief dive into some of the historical events that informs life in the so-called "hermit kingdom."

Warning: very long post

Kaesong, the historic city

Beginning this post with Kaesong, one of the oldest cities in Korea. It's also one of the few major cities in the DPRK (i.e. "North Korea") that was not completely destroyed during the Korean war.

Every single city you'll see from this point on were victims of intense aerial bombardments from the U.S. and its allies, and had to be either partially or completely rebuilt after the war.

From 1951 to 1953, during what has now become known as the "forgotten war" in the West, the U.S. dropped 635,000 tons of bombs over Korea — most of it in the North, and on civilian population centers. An additional 32,000 tons of napalm was also deployed, engulfing whole cities in fire and inflicting people with horrific burns:

For such a simple thing to make, napalm had horrific human consequences. A bit of liquid fire, a sort of jellied gasoline, napalm clung to human skin on contact and melted off the flesh. Witnesses to napalm's impact described eyelids so burned they could not be shut and flesh that looked like "swollen, raw meat." - PBS

Ever wondered why North Koreans seem to hate the U.S so much? Well...

Keep in mind that only a few years prior to this, the U.S. had, as the first and only country in the world, used the atomic bomb as a weapon of war. Consider, too, the proximity between Japan and Korea — both geographically and as an "Other" in the Western imagination.

As the war dragged on, and it became clear the U.S. and its allies would not "win" in any conventional sense, the fear that the U.S. would resort to nuclear weapons again loomed large, adding another frightening dimension to the war that can probably go a long way in explaining the DPRK's later obsession with acquiring their own nuclear bomb.

But even without the use of nuclear weapons, the indiscriminate attack on civilians, particularly from U.S. saturation bombings, was still horrific:

"The number of Korean dead, injured or missing by war’s end approached three million, ten percent of the overall population. The majority of those killed were in the North, which had half of the population of the South; although the DPRK does not have official figures, possibly twelve to fifteen percent of the population was killed in the war, a figure close to or surpassing the proportion of Soviet citizens killed in World War II" - Charles K. Armstrong

On top of the loss of life, there's also the material damage. By the end of the war, the U.S. Air Force had, by its own estimations, destroyed somewhere around 85% of all buildings in the DPRK, leaving most cities in complete ruin. There are even stories of U.S. bombers dropping their loads into the ocean because they couldn't find any visible targets to bomb.

What you'll see below of Kaesong, then, provides both a rare glimpse of what life in North Korea looked like before the war, and a reminder of what was destroyed.

Kaesong's main street, pictured below.

Due the stifling sanctions imposed on the DPRK—which has, in various forms and intensities, been in effect since the 1950s—car ownership is still low throughout the country, with most people getting around either by walking or biking, or by bus or train for longer distances.

Kaesong, which is regarded as an educational center, is also notable for its many Koryŏ-era monuments. A group of twelve such sites were granted UNESCO world heritage status in 2013.

Included is the Hyonjongnung Royal Tomb, a 14th-century mausoleum located just outside the city of Kaesong.

One of the statues guarding the tomb.

Before moving on the other cities, I also wanted to showcase one more of the DPRK's historical sites: Pohyonsa, a thousand-year-old Buddhist temple complex located in the Myohyang Mountains.

Like many of DPRK's historic sites, the temple complex suffered extensive damage during the Korean war, with the U.S. led bombings destroying over half of its 24 pre-war buildings.

The complex has since been restored and is in use today both as a residence for Buddhist monks, and as a historic site open to visitors.

Hamhung, the second largest city in the DPRK.

A coastal city located in the South Hamgyŏng Province. It has long served as a major industrial hub in the DPRK, and has one of the largest and busiest ports in the country.

Hamhung, like most of the coastal cities in the DPRK, was hit particularly hard during the war. Through relentless aerial bombardments, the US and its allies destroyed somewhere around 80-90% percent of all buildings, roads, and other infrastructure in the city.

Now, more than seventy years later, unexploded bombs, mortars and pieces of live ammunition are still being unearthed by the thousands in the area. As recently as 2016, one of North Korea's bomb squads—there's one in every province, faced with the same cleanup task—retrieved 370 unexploded mortar rounds... from an elementary school playground.

Experts in the DPRK estimate it will probably take over a hundred years to clean up all the unexploded ordnance—and that's just in and around Hamhung.

Hamhung's fertilizer plant, the biggest in North Korea.

When the war broke out, Hamhung was home to the largest nitrogen fertilizer plant in Asia. Since its product could be used in the creation of explosives, the existence of the plant is considered to have made Hamhung a target for U.S. aggression (though it's worth repeating that the U.S. carried out saturation bombings of most population centers in the country, irrespective of any so-called 'military value').

The plant was immediately rebuilt after the war, and—beyond its practical use—serves now as a monument of resistance to U.S. imperialism, and as a functional and symbolic site of self-reliance.

Chongjin, the third largest city in the DPRK.

Another coastal city and industrial hub. It underwent a massive development prior to the Korean war, housing around 300,000 people by the time the war broke out.

By 1953, the U.S. had destroyed most of Chongjin's industry, bombed its harbors, and killed one third of the population.

Wonsan, a rebuilt seaside city.

The city of Wonsan is a vital link between the DPRK's east and west coasts, and acts today as both a popular holiday destination for North Koreans, and as a central location for the country's growing tourism industry.

Considered a strategically important location during the war, Wonsan is notable for having endured one of the longest naval blockades in modern history, lasting a total of 861 days.

By the end of the war, the U.S. estimated that they had destroyed around 80% of the city.

Masikryong Ski Resort, located close to Wonsan. It opened to the public in 2014 and is the first, I believe, that was built with foreign tourists in mind.

Sariwon, another rebuilt city

One of the worst hit cities during the Korean War, with an estimated destruction level of 95%.

I've written about its Wikipedia page here before, which used to mockingly describe its 'folk customs street'—a project built to preserve old Korean traditions and customs—as an "inaccurate romanticized recreation of an ancient Korean street."

No mention, of course, of the destruction caused by the US-led aerial bombings, or any historical context at all that could possibly even hint at why the preservation of old traditions might be particularly important for the city.

Life outside of the towns and cities

In the rural parts of the DPRK, life primarily revolves around agriculture. As the sanctions they're under make it difficult to acquire fuel, farming in the DPRK relies heavily on manual labour, which again, to avoid food shortages, requires that a large portion of the labour force resides in the countryside.

Unlike what many may think, the reliance on manual labour in farming is a relatively "new" development. Up until the crisis of the 1990s, the DPRK was a highly industrialized nation, with a modernized agricultural system and a high urbanization rate. But, as the access to cheap fuel from the USSR and China disappeared, and the sanctions placed upon them by Western nations heavily restricted their ability to import fuel from other sources, having a fuel-dependent agricultural industry became a recipe for disaster, and required an immediate and brutal restructuring.

For a more detailed breakdown of what lead to the crisis in the 90s, and how it reshaped the DPRKs approach to agriculture, check out this article by Zhun Xu.

Some typical newly built rural housing, surrounded by farmland.

Tumblr only allows 20 pictures per post, but if you want to see more pictures of life outside Pyongyang, check out this imgur album.

[jondrettegirls]

[ID: A page of a play. It reads as follows, "Theseus: Stop. Give me your hand. I am your friend. / Herakles: I fear to stain your clothes with blood. / Theseus: Stain them, I don't care." End text.]

Herakles - Euripides (Tr. Anne Carson)

[dollsghost]

simon eats it sloppy.

through the mask, slobbering on his hands and knees like the mutt he truly is; like his only salvation is the ichor that drips between your thighs. like your cunt is the only thing that could save his wretched, blackened soul. he wants to roll in the tang that'll stay on the back of his tongue for weeks into deployment, that'll stay soaked into the fabric of his balaclava because fok no he isn't washing it before he leaves (he'll nearly tears the thing to shreds when he can no longer smell you on it).

large, calloused palms scratch over the sensitive skin of your quads and inner thighs as he opens you up for him, watches your folds part like that of a carnation (love, devotion, distinction, fascination) as he pushes your knees up to your chest. drags his tongue all over you, the creases where your vulva and thighs meet and gets you shaking before he's even touched your clit. before he's even taken the mask off. brushes his thumb over the little bud reverently, fondly. he thinks the way your thighs tremble in response is the most precious fucking thing.

and when he finally breaks watching you drip onto the cushions below, he's feral. rabid. barely gets the damned mask up to free his mouth before he's on you again, slurping up your slick and sucking your clit into his mouth. the suction is heavenly after so much teasing, and if his tongue finds its way to your ass too, that's his business. your toes curl in the air where your feet dangle uselessly, panties you're sure that simon will pocket later still around one ankle.

simon's relentless when he's like this, a dog chasing after it's favorite toy. he won't let up, won't even palm over his cock until you're at least three climaxes deep from his mouth alone. totally pussydrunk and ready for more.

[batboyblog]

Link

[hells-greatest-performers]

How is Lucifer and Alastor doing?

Lucifer and Alastor: *arrive home via Ozzie’s help after being gone for a few days*

Lucifer: *holding Alastor up since he is loopy and not feeling good* Okay Al let’s get you to— *sees the front door is blown off, Vox fighting with Rosie, Adam and Emily keeping the kids safe*

Alastor: *under heavy drugs* Am I seeing what think I’m seeing?

Lucifer: Uh…maybe? I’ll fix this…*lets out a whistle that catches everyone’s attention* HEY! ENOUGH FIGHTING!!! Now…one at a time, tell me what’s going on…

*Everyone immediately starts talking at once and over each other…*

Lucifer: ENOUGH! Okay…Rosie, you may go home thank you for babysitting…Emily…stay here please and help with the babies. I’ll give you a room to stay in…Adam, go fuck yourself and leave…Vox, stay here. I’m going to tuck Alastor into bed and then we are going to have an adult conversation about custody of our kids…

Caelan: No! *clings to Adam* I want him to stay! He’s funny!

Adam: Heh, looks like your son like me Luci~

Lucifer: and clean my mansion

Adam: Or what?

Lucifer: *powers are limited but not fully gone*

Adam: *immediately starts to clean up the mess made by Vox and Rosie*

Lucifer: *goes to walk Alastor to be*

Lucifer: You all better be thankful Alastor isn’t feeling good right now and is on some strong meds. Otherwise he’d kill all of you for causing such a mess.

[andivmg]

My experience with Luke (Punz)

CW: toxic relationship, racism, dubious consent

I know in the past i said that i would no longer speak about him publicly, and when talking about my experiences with abuse and emotional mistreatment i begged to keep it anonymous but after reflecting on this for a week and seeing so many incredibly smart and strong women tell their stories. they have given me the strength to say his name.

this is really scary to talk about because of the copious levels of harassment i have received from his fans in the past so if this spreads or gets out of hand i will simply log off.

If you read my last post, i nicknamed him 1.

So aside from everything i said there, there were a lot of things i didn’t include because they would’ve made it obvious that it was him and it could potentially backfire on me so, i’m very afraid to post this. but i’m going to do it scared anyway, because it’s not fair that he gets to just go and live his life worry-free as if he didn’t practically ruin mine.

Because I already made a very lengthy post about him, i won’t include everything i said last time to avoid being redundant but if i repeat myself, please bear with me.

In our year long relationship i had to endure emotional neglect, gaslighting, verbal abuse, one instance where there was dubious consent, and much more.

Starting off at the beginning of our relationship, that’s when i was getting copious amounts of hate and harassment from his fan base (warranted or not), he decided that our relationship must be kept private. he said it was to “protect” me from his fanbase when in reality it was to protect himself. it was so he wouldn’t get all the backlash i was getting. this is funny because one of the things i got called out for was saying the B slur (derogatory term used against mexicans/latinos). I won’t get into the nuances of if i could say it or not as a puertorican because that’s discourse that does not pertain to this specific situation. But you know who definitely can’t say it? A white boy from Massachusetts. When i was getting cancelled for this and getting thousands of tweets calling me names, he decided that was the perfect time to say “I mean you are a b***** aren’t you? my little b*****.” Now, he said this completely unprompted. I was in the process of writing my apology and he just said that. I tell you this because i immediately shut him down and told him that there was no universe in which it was okay for him to say that word and especially not one where he could just call me that. While i was reprimanding him, he was smiling and laughing. he apparently found it amusing to call me a slur. regardless, he gave me a half-assed apology and said he wouldn’t do it again. and he didn’t. but this wasn’t the only time he was weirdly racist to me. this was my first time being in an interracial relationship so i was led to believe that this was normal by all the white people around me at the time. But, sometimes my spanish accent would come out and he would make fun of me and the way i pronounced some words. He also refused to visit me in Puerto Rico when i lived there or come meet my family when i really wanted him to because he “didn’t like the heat” or “it’s dangerous there isn’t it?”. Once, while we were watching season 2 of Bridgerton, he implied that the Sharma sisters were “too dark” for him to be attracted to them. This hurt me because they are brown skinned girls. I am a brown skinned girl. Then this, combined with the fact that he told me once he wasn’t attracted to me made me feel like my skin color was unattractive. These are only a few examples i can think of at the moment, but i’m sure there were more. Our relationship ended in 2022 so some of my memory is a bit hazy. But, I do remember feeling inferior to him throughout the relationship because he was white and I was not. I chalk that up to all the micro aggressions i had to deal with because i had never felt that way around white people before.

Another thing i had to endure was him constantly making me feel like he was embarrassed to be with me. Because i was cancelled, he didn’t want to associate with me too much. He did defend me on multiple occasions, I’ll give him that. But, he only did it because his name was getting dragged in the mud along with mine. Excusing my actions made him look better for being around me. In reality he didn’t really care. Because he was such a big content creator and someone i looked up to professionally, I took his advice as law. He told me to tone down my personality, to keep a low profile, to change things about myself to be more palatable to his audience. The same audience that spoke about me like “The pussy can’t be that good punz please stop defending her”. So i changed a lot of things about myself and my content to better suit what his audience liked. He made me feel like if his audience liked me, he would be public about our relationship and stop hiding it. He told me the reason why he wanted to keep our relationship a secret was because he didn’t want to get hate for it. But this wasn’t true. On my 20th birthday he went to Las Vegas for a twitch rivals event. That night i asked to facetime him to say goodnight and he refused because he was at a hotel room with his friends and he didn’t want them to know that we were together. It was as if my mere presence or the utterance of my name was a source of embarrassment for him. And he didn’t let me forget it. It wasn’t just a public thing at that point. He didn’t want people to know we were together, period. This was devastating to me because I would talk to all my friends about him. I was so proud to be with him and I was just one more problem to him. He made me feel so small and insignificant just because his fans didn’t like me.

He would berate me a lot. Not just due to getting heat online, although he did do that a lot. But in general whenever we would get into an argument or a disagreement he would always call me names like annoying or weird or stupid. He would raise his voice at me if i did something he didn’t like and call me an idiot. And that really hurt, i felt like i couldn’t bring up anything or do anything without getting insulted. If I hadn’t seen him in a few days because he was too busy streaming and i asked to hang out he would call me needy, clingy, and annoying. Granted, he might not have been wrong, but that is not something you say to someone you claim to love. He also insulted me when i was in depressive episodes. I have BPD and at the time i was not being treated properly for it. So, I was all over the place emotionally and he was what i clung to for validation, reassurance, and love. I talked to him when we first started dating about my disorder and told him that if it seemed like something he couldn’t handle that he could opt out of the relationship. I guess he didn’t think it was that bad or something idk because whenever i had really bad depressive episodes, he would tell me I was too sad to hang out with. He said that my sadness was a burden to him. Which would be fair. But, once my mother had a conversation with him about me. She told him that i am someone who needs a lot of love and caring. She said that if he wasn’t willing to put in that kind of effort into a relationship to just leave me alone. He reassured her that he would be there for me no matter what. He told my mother that he would protect me and my heart. He did not. He took all the warnings I gave him and ignored them and then made me feel like I was the problem. And even worse, he would say that i was pretending to be sad to get his attention when he would neglect for days at a time.

There were also some smaller things like the fact that he made me feel really guilty whenever he would spend money on me. Also, he would be really mean about my eating habits. For context, i used to suffer from an eating disorder. I was anorexic and had a really unhealthy relationship with food during high school and my first year of uni. This relationship began when i was recovering from my ED. For me, eating was really hard. So i had certain comfort foods that, while sometimes unhealthy, at least it was something to eat when i didn’t feel like eating anything. He knew this. Yet, whenever i would crave some of these foods he would call me fat. Constantly told me I’d gain weight from eating all that junk food. Saying that to someone with an eating disorder is crazy. Other smaller things were that whenever I would post tiktoks where i was lip syncing or just looking good he would yell at me and say i was looking for attention. Same with Instagram or Twitter whenever i would post photos where I looked hot. He never planned out a single date for us. I would beg him to get me flowers and he did maybe once but i’ll get into that in a bit. He would make fun of me in front of his friends to make himself look better. He let his friends say really degrading things about me in his presence. For example, once when i was showering, i overheard him on a discord call with George and Sapnap and i heard George say “if you don’t go in the shower and have sex with Andi, i will”. Once, when i was really struggling with my legs (for those of you who don’t know, i have arthritis and it’s very painful. at the time i wasn’t diagnosed but i was in a lot of pain) I literally could not walk. I had to beg him to take me to the ER because i didn’t know what was wrong with me. He didn’t want to take me but eventually i convinced him, and while we were there all he did was complain about how long it was taking and that he would have rather been at home streaming. Whenever I would talk about my interests that i was excited about like shows or books he would be incredibly uninterested and say that those things were stupid and he didn’t want to hear about them. I know all of these seem very silly or superficial but cumulatively it was awful.

Now for arguably the most serious thing i’m going to talk about. I want to preface this by saying i am just telling my side of what happened. You can come to your own conclusions about this.

On April 25, 2022 it was our one year anniversary, and i had made a dinner reservation for us. I expected him to plan something throughout the day for us to do. He told me he was going to spend the whole day playing Valorant so I got upset and cancelled the reservation. After a very heated argument, we calmed down and i asked him to come over. He came over about an hour later with flowers and drinks (I was 20 at the time so I couldn’t buy the drinks myself). He brought Smirnoffs and Trulys. For context, I am a lightweight. I always have been. I literally get tipsy on half a cocktail. And that day, I hadn’t eaten anything because i was in distress over our argument. So we get to talking and drinking. I blacked out after my second Smirnoff. Apparently I drank 3 but I genuinely cannot remember anything after finishing the second one. The next morning i woke up naked in my bed. I woke him up and asked him “Luke, why am I naked?” and he said “Because you didn’t want to put your clothes back on.” When I clarified to him that that was not what I meant, he got defensive and said that he didn’t realize how drunk I was. He proceeded to tell me that I initiated sex with him and that i was very enthusiastic about it. He said he didn’t know i could black out on three smirnoffs. He made fun of me for being a lightweight and continued to make light of the situation. Then he mentioned that i fell off the bed at some point in the night and that it was funny how drunk I was. I then questioned him. Because if he thought that me tripping and falling off the bed because i was so drunk was funny, how did he not know that i was too drunk? He responded by saying that i fell off the bed only after we were done. That day I broke up with him. I’m still really confused about what happened that night. I don’t remember anything and all I have to go on is what he said to me. We were in a relationship at the time and he says he didn’t know how drunk I was so I’m not sure what to call what happened. A while after that day, his friend that hmu while we were broken up and I started talking again and i confided in him about that night. He told me to be careful saying things like that because they could get me into trouble. I spoke to some of our other friends about it and they told me it was no big deal and that it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t know how drunk I really was. Because I don’t remember, I have been led to believe that this is not a serious matter. You can think what you want, come to whatever conclusions you want. That is just my side of the story.

I want to add that I’m not proud of how I acted after the relationship ended. I felt really angry at all the shit he put me through and I guess a part of me wanted him to hurt even a quarter of how I did. So I started talking to his friend and got involved with him. This backfired on me because his friend ended up really hurting me too so ig i got my karma. But the thing that hurt the most is that because of what I did, some of our friends took his side in the break up. I was told that I did something terrible by getting involved with his friend that he was already insecure about and that he didn’t deserve that. These are the same friends who were witness to the dumpster fire of a relationship we had and all the things he did to me. They turned their backs on me because of this one thing I did. But stood by and watched as he treated me like garbage for over a year.

I will conclude this by saying that while this relationship has been “over and done with” for almost two years now, I carry a lot of trauma from it still. I still talk about him in therapy and have had to put in a lot of work to heal from what he did and i still cannot say that i am okay. I am very blessed to now have a patient and understanding partner who has helped me heal from that trauma and i just want to quickly thank him for that. Nobody deserves to go through what I did. While yes, it was a toxic relationship, and I had a part in that, it does not excuse all the awful things he said and did to me. This is my truth, thank you for taking the time to read it.

[royal-apple-cider-martini]

where else do you wanna go Angel?

*At a Graveyard*

Tombstone: Anthony Ragno Born April 1st 1917 - May 24th 1947

Angel: So this is where I was buried huh??

Husk: Well…is this isn’t a tad morbid…

Lucifer: Angel are you sure you want to be here?

Angel: *kneels down* Yeah. Looks like no one’s touched this stone in years… *looks over and sees his families’ tombs, also untouched* So the family line did end with me, Molly and Arackniss…

Lucifer: Angel…it hasn’t ended. Look *gestures to the triplets and Husk* our family is growing. Sure it may not be on Earth but it’s not the end. And I can spiffy these graves up if you want! Show some respect!

Angel: Thanks Luci…I would appreciate that and I know my family would too.

Lucifer: Alright just give me a moment! *starts to use his magic to clean the headstone properly and small things like pink flowers and a pig plush appear around the grave.*

Angel: *tears up*

Lucifer: *does the same for all of the graves, cleans them up and leaves flowers for them*

Angel: *hugs Lucifer from behind* Thank you Lu…this means so much to me…*crying openly*

Lucifer: Anything for you my love *kisses his cheek*

[obiwan]

JEREMY ALLEN WHITE | NYC (22.09.2023)