#sorry for flooding/long post

[punnifullife]

more robstar art but now ft. some batfam!! This doesn't even scratch the surface of doodles i'll be posting...still mostly robstar but now I got other plans involving the batfam hehe

[cosmique-oddity]

Phew, my last weeks of work are now complete >:)

I loved Dratchet and Ratchlock since the very beginning of my attachment towards Transformers, first TFP Ratchet…..but yeah….two of my favorites character….plus Keferon’s Mech AU…..I had to make my own thing about it.

A story….no…an illustration ! I couldn’t choose. So I did both :}

—————————————————

That was not the first time Ratchet came back to his private lab angry, but this time, yelling at his superiors, and at the system, and basically at evverything that could be yelled at except the pilotd while leaving the manufacture, was certainly the last. He quit. That was enough,

you don’t win a war with feelings they said

well yes,

exactly,

but you win a war with soldier, and frying their mind before they have their first fight because you want them to be more perfectionned ? That was a little counter productive.

So he gave up. They are on their own now.

The lightly humming of his car was barely enough to keep him awake, it have been a long time since he last returned home, usually, he stayed at his work place, to have more time to sleep, but then, he was sleeping even less. An endless vicious circle, things were often like that.

But all of that was over for him.

He granted these young greenhorn with his experience, and what did they do ? Ignored his advices. Sending pilots to death. So now, he had himself out of the infernal machinery. This mindless waste of human life, even where this is what they tried to save was absurd.

In the middle of his quiet and late ride, he heard a noise. Rumbling, was it the engine ? As he stopped the car backroad to check, the noise wasnt stopping. Came from the sky, military patrol ? He raised his two tired eyes on the sky and saw a shining rail approaching his forest, falling fast. Not quintesson shaped, and with the gaze of an experimented biomechanist, Ratchet identified a mech.

At this moment, its violently crashed on the ground, behind the trees at maybe three or four miles away. No matter how hard he argued with the scientist sooner this day or how bad he wanted to say fuck to all of this death industry who killed young soldiers, he could do something for the one trapped inside the mech....maybe.... the man regained his car as fast as possible and urgently headed for the crash area.

Deafened sound of tires on the damaged road. Ratchet was already projecting, mentally stocktaking the tools he took with him, and lucky enough for the poor pilot, he quit with almost all of his material, and even if it was mainly mechs repairing material, he also bought some instruments which were used for the subtle neuromedicine between human and mech. Could adapt some of it and stabilize the pilot....then he may have the time to go home and grab proper materials. If there was life there was hope.

" bold of him to crash himself just the day i insulted all of his hierachy".

He frowned. Almost there.

The trees nearby were crushed and uprooted. A flickering pink light catched his gaze.

Almost immediately, the Ratchet analyzed the mech. It was different. He didnt know in wich country it was made but that almost looks alien. The curves and shapes, busted and burned on several places were demonstrating an incredible display of genius ingeniery he could just admiring. But time was not for being amazed on plating.

Someone was trapped there.

He stopped and parked his car in front of a fallen tree, rushing to the car's trunk, taking few indispensable objets, including some of them to help a safe disconnection between pilot/mech. In case he wasnt out already. And a crowbar, the cockpit might be stuck, seeing all the damages the mech has taken...

The sound of slightly wet grass under his feet was covered by a frenetic noise of aeration. Ratchet listened to it, while cautiously approaching the unknown mech. It almost sounded like a breath, but was certainly a depressurisation issue. The mech had fallen from so high on the sky....

The damaged plating were hot, probably from atmosphere friction. He raised his crowbar and his eyes followed the curves of the chestplates, searching for a familiar shape, that could lead him to the injured pilot inside. His gaze stopped on a deep wound, that might have cut through the cockpit.

The engineer stepped on the hot metal, his thick boots preventing him from feeling the heat, and he started searching for a hint....anything that could be a mechanism, anything that could open this damn mech !

Ratchet considered the damaged chest plate he noticed earlier. The surroundings of the wound were leaking bright pink, a very unusual color for fuel. Another of these definitively strange things about the mech. Again....not the time for that. Maybe if he could widen the gap, then he would be able to have an idea of what was going on under this armor.

He tapped the plate, -it was starting to cool down- with one of his finger. It was a very little tap, but the whole mech startled. A hiss of pain, recognisible easily by an emerite engineer-but-i-fix-people-too, it had come from the head of the mecha. Was this modele controlled from the head, like Vortex ? But Vortex was insanely huge for a mech, way taller than this one. He moved careful, noticing the shaking of his support.

"You hear me, kid ? Its going to be ok. You crashed in a safe area.".

He spoke in his medic tone, wich mean, of course brusque, serious, but also reassuring and calm.

He mumbled about the mech's features and tiny words of comfort while reaching for the head.

A red light, not regular and rather epileptic was coming from the head, and while he was almost there, on all four of his limb to keep balance, Ratchet saw it.

A spectacularly humanoid face, with sculpted nose and lips was tensed in a painful expression, frowning, but the thing who trapped his gaze was the two optics....

....staring back at him.

Mechs dont stare. Their eyes are glowing, oftenly to mimick human face, after all, human are pretty prideful creature, no point in piloting big ass metal titan if no one could tell these where their creation.

What human couldnt mimick with technologie, on the other hand, was the subtle expression between trying to evualuate a threat, his own injuries, and looking rather on the verge of death but also ready to tear any enemy's limb appart with its teeth.

With just one....very long....look at the other's eye, Ratchet was suddenly understanding what was going on.

Well....probably not but he knew what he had to save.

The pilot, the pilot he had to save.

The mech was the pilot.

He was the one he had to save.

He stopped trying to -certainly- open his chest. If it wasnt good for human it probably wasnt for living technology.

The giant technological humanoid seemed in a high distress, exhaling a lot of air from his vents, his eye still intensely staring at him and the engineer doubted his usual technique -including trying to make himself as small as possible- would work.

"Its going to be okay Kid. I can help you. There is nothing here that want to harm you".

He did his best to convey all of these emotions with his facial expression and gaze, still firmly watching back at him.

"the world better wait till im home and officially retired before killing me".

The mech's gaze -damn it was so more living than ANY human made machinery- seemed to soften a bit but still radiated with suspicion.

Deadlock had been in several bad situations. It happened quite a lot when a specie of giant aliens with tendrils tried to invade your homeland, and he was ready to it.

Trained to kill, and to do it efficiently.

And he was *good* at it.

This time was just another of these ‘i went too far in my excitation’ moments, and he has crashed on a random planet he hoped was not inhabited. He landed hard, and pieces of his ship must’ve been thrown near his location.

And now, now there was an organic like no one he ever saw, and the organic was on his *lap* and he had the kindest warmest eyes he ever saw.

And these eyes were directly looking at his own eyes, and the well named ‘Deadlock’ was starting to wonder if he finally had reunited with the Allspark. His pained and tenseful grin faded a little and he tried to move his head forward, searching a better point of view to watch the singularity in front of him.

Ow.

Moving hurt.

Some sound came out of the organic’s mouth, probably a language. He didn’t had the proper tools to decode it but the tone of the language was extremely….comforting ? Soft ?

This was scary.

He wasn’t used to be welcomed like that after a fight.

Usually it was either another fight, either the yelling of a superior, either nothing at all. But this actual living being was carefully examinating his chestplates, and he recognized the gestual of someone who was used to heal. A medic perhaps ?

He tried to move something, maybe a hand, to reach for the pale organic, to be sure he was real, but his body was rather uncooperative, from what he could say, one of his legs was missing, and a lot of wound were releasing energon on the ground he couldn’t saw.

The high probabilities of bleeding out and crash was an issue.

He let his head hang, too tired to watch for every moves of the organic, and barely aware of his environment.

There must be a big problem somewhere….

He confusely thought, while watching the stars.

Must be a bigger injury I haven’t saw……..

Ratchet saw the bright light coming from the alien’s eyes slowly fading, and cold swear ran through his back. Yet, he could still say the soldier was alive, the lights of his body were shining, not a lot, but it was enough. He looked at his first aid kit with disappointment. That wouldn’t be very efficient since the form of life he was trying to preserve wasn’t a tiny human. The nearest thing he could compare the Mech to was….well their own mechs, or eventually….Quintesson. An horrible mess of organic and technology. It was partially thanks to their weird constitution that Ratchet had been able to make sense with the ‘he is alive’ thought.

At this moment and with this material, he couldn’t help the kid, and didn’t possess enough knowledge to tell if he was even dying or not.

He had already an idea of what to do….to fix him, at least trying to, but it involved several objects he hadn’t right now. Leaving to search for these so called objects was risking to let an injured alone, he couldn’t take that risk. He was trapped with the mech, and had to hurry and find something. He stood and reached for more adapted material in his car, trying to find something…. Anything.

Surprisingly, the most useful artifact he came across was his electric screwdriver and a bunch of screw along with a long metallic cabke. A parallel between human stitch, with sewing threads and the material he had with him right now. He could manage something between human fixing and mech repairing, that was what the ‘bio’ in bioengineer stood for.

The kid would be ok. He would live and tell Ratchet why he fell from the sky, and maybe if he saw his friend Jazz….out there…….

.

.

—————————————————

:)) @keferon

(I swear I’m not insane, your AU is just kinda giving me infinite drawing stamina lmao)

[canon-gabriel-quotes]

Transcript:

You’ve been a very naughty little fucking thing, Machine.

You killed... a lot. Pretty much everybody. Pretty much everybody you encountered, you killed.

That is why, with extreme prejudice, I sentence you to gay baby jail.

May you rust in there forevermore.

Your only source of entertainment? Twitch.tv/getgianni

Now if you’ll excuse me, I'm going to go bot on TF2.

Audio source

[qirarey123]

Can a ballerina truly fall for a punk? 😔

[svtskneecaps]

lukewarm take of the evening: y'all care too much about being ""outdated"". fellas this smp moves inhumanly fast. it is ok to CHILL holy shit CHILL. y'all are like "(posts BANGER ART) super late guys sorry" friend i am hitting you with a blanket i am snapping you with my metaphorical towel WHAT DO YOU MEAN SORRY. "(posts BANGER FIC) rip this is outdated now" WHO CARES???? I LOVE YOU, OK. ohhhh woe is us as the fandom at large for having MORE HAPPY PILLS ARC CONTENT oh no how outdated!! how could you be writing speculative fiction about how forever felt during happy pills :( slash SARCASM!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN!!!! THERE ARE SO MANY BANGER ARCS, WHAT, YOU THINK WE'RE COMPLAINING????? FOR GETTING MORE OF THE CONTENT WE LOVED????? oh no we're past the period where everyone thought green gay ninjas were like Dead Dead, my work is now outdated and noncanon :( WDYM. GIMME. A BANGER IS A BANGER IDC IF IT TAKES THREE MONTHS. you think rome was built in a day?? fuck you, baltimore, GIMME. my ass has been cooking a goddamn backflipo family fic since july when it was ALREADY outdated do you think i fear god??? "oh no, you're making an edit of slime's (attempted) egg murdering spree?? how could you, that was months ago it's irrelevant" SAID NO ONE EVER.

save your wrists kidlings ok carpal tunnel is no joke. CHILL!!!!! CHILL!!!!!!!! TAKE YOUR TIME SHEEEEEESH OK LOVE YOU <3

[squid-seraph]

with the memverse giving sanitized octolings a way to regain their memories, might there be a happy ending in the cards for Sydney and Riot?

They have a chance.

[cent-scratchnsniff]

ill make a whole piece on its own for the occasion but finally got 100% abno codex (finally got that one fuckass tool that has been evading me after 8 hrs of straight mem rep of the same 3 days). Library of Ruina time !!! ive been yelling about it to poor unfortunate souls who dont know abt pm at all . ill probably be busy playing it on my free time so not as much activity for a bit i think

[phantomsies]

literacy, empathy and nuance are dead fucking arts and there really is no coming back from it.

[shrimp-propaganda]

i have a strict no discourse policy for this blog but i did just get an extremely funny Discourse Bait ask and it is killing me not to share it.

anon, why would you ask me, a shrimp blog, about what makes a gay man attracted to someone

[sheila--e]

Beastars brain rot again. 👍👍 What a 🍈 we should kill him

[ko-fi]

[yuridotcom]

dw spoilers//

i didn't rlly like the ruby's mother reveal because I get how they're doing the whole "oh this woman who was made out to be really important turns out to be just some ordinary gal" thing but we have done that before, probably a good couple of times, and I wanted something interesting... just felt anticlimactic rlly

disappointing cuz I thought the first part of the 2 parter was rlly good but the 2nd part just didn't rlly satisfy what I was expecting idk

[toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account]

me when i first started this blog: post??? about other media??? NO. not here. no no no. it shall be STRICTLY witcher posts and the occasional personal posts. if it is truly a piece of media to which i am deeply dedicated perhaps i shall consider making. another sideblog. maybe i shall indulge in liveblogging on occasion. but that is the limit!

me now: lol. get house of anubised idiots

[tj-crochets]

Do you have a particular organization you work with for providing disaster relief?

At the moment, no. My dad and several of my neighbors have been helping out with various local groups, but so far my donations have been things like clothes I had on hand that happened to be the size my neighbor's coworker, who lost their house in a flood, needed, or stuff like that The baby blankets are going to a different neighbor's kid's school, who is arranging donations for...I think it's a particular city but I am not sure how to reveal what city without giving away where I live more precisely than I really want to? I live close enough to the flooding that I don't really need to work with an organization, because everyone in my neighborhood is at max two degrees of separation from someone who lost everything in the floods. I can give things, including baby blankets, directly to the families affected. I mean, that said, I am giving them to my neighbors to distribute, but that's because I can't drive and a lot of the places donations are going you can't drive to at the moment anyway. One of my neighbors is organizing people with ATVs to go take food, water, fuel, and other necessities up to some of the communities that currently have no road access I got very, very lucky with where I live and the infrastructure that happened to be in place*. There was severe flooding less than ten minutes away from where I live in more than one direction, but where I live made it and enough of the roads are intact to be able to get out. Some routes are more circuitous than they used to be, but it's still possible

*by happened to be in place I mean in my particular neighborhood and the work my dad has had done in our yard, not the rest, I know a lot of people over a lot of years made the infrastructure of the larger area

[nixie-deangel]

And we have our winners from the WIP poll! I will be focusing first on the following top five:

Virgin Jake x Vampire Bradley (need to flush out the society of the AU).

Speedrun Hangster Girl Dads

The Seresin family Breaks Up Sereshaw

Serial/Contract Killer Jake pampers and spoils normal Bradley

My Shifter Verse AU!

(and because I dearly love @redfurrycat, who has listened to me chitter on like a crazy person about...basically all of these, I will also be focusing on the vampire Jake x human Bradley AU, just for Red 💜💜💜)

Once two are officially completed and posted to Ao3, then I will once again do another poll (most likely with even more and newer ideas added to it XD) and do this again to see which ones I will be focusing on then!

A post actually asking for the emojis to make me write will be going up closer to the weekend.

💜💜💜

[nobodysdaydreams]

Benedict Twins Neurodivergent Head Canons (by popular request)

At first I was going to make a post about all the MBS character's neurodivergencies, then I realized I had wayyyy too many for the twins alone.

Then I also realized that despite my efforts to try and separate them by diagnoses, a lot of their symptoms are the same thing in different fonts and with different diagnoses emphasized throughout the show. So here is everything I came up with.

(Warning: insanely long and unhinged post ahead. Feel free to disagree with any of these. Just don't be ableist please!).

My head canons for the twins:

ADHD-inattentive type - mostly Nicholas, possibly season 2 Nathaniel

Autism - mostly Nicholas, you could argue Nathaniel also has it

Anxiety/OCD symptoms - mostly Nathaniel in season 1, you could argue Nicholas has other forms of anxiety

BPD - mostly Nathaniel in season 2, you could argue Nicholas also has it

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) - Both twins have it, and I think Nathaniel also has CSD, and I will explain what that is

Maladaptive Daydreaming (MADD) - I don't know if both twins have it, but there are some scenes they were in the had the vibe going for sure

------------------------------

ADHD-inattentive type:

Nicholas' ADHD-I head canon mostly comes from personal experience (that's been my official diagnosis since childhood). Specifically, the way they wrote the show version of the character was way too relatable to me. The fact that there are so many books on his desk cluttered everywhere? Him dismissing the food Number Two tries to give him in that one scene even though he ordered it? The flashbacks of Nathaniel having to tell Nicholas to make sure his appearance looked good? Flashback Nicholas showing up late for the orphanage pageant? The general scatterbrain tendencies? Nicholas getting emotionally overwhelmed when he has too much to do or can't find a way out of a situation? I love the man, but thank goodness he has Rhonda and Number Two to do the executive functioning for him because if they didn't he would be in trouble. Those scenes were way too relatable, as were the scenes of him feeling guilty for being a burden to his friends family because they handle so much for him.

Since this head canon comes entirely from my own experiences, it's probably the easiest for me to write. I haven't done much with it in my fics yet because I've been focusing a bit more on the plot™️ and other characters, but when writing season 2 content, especially from Nicholas' perspective and how it changes after he's been given the happiness technique, I do intend to do a few things to incorporate this head canon into how I write his scenes.

It's also worth noting that while I see this head canon as mostly applying to Nicholas, Nathaniel does seem to have more ADHD-I symptoms in season 2. Season 1 he has a lot of anxiety (which I will talk about), but in season 2, he's a lot more quirky and scatterbrained and relaxed once his anxiety symptoms are decreased, and I could see ADHD being a head canon for him as well, it's just that his anxiety masks his executive dysfunction more than Nicholas' does. Of course, there are a lot of other possible reasons for Nathaniel's change in personality between seasons, and I'm gonna talk about those too.

-----------------------------

Autism:

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD): So unlike the ADHD head canon, the autism head canon is one that I am not professionally diagnosed with, but I am familiar with it through irl friends that I've had that have been professionally diagnosed with autism. It's also worth noting that this is not really my own head canon or an unpopular one, other people in the fandom have mentioned this head canon before).

It's also a head canon that I think makes a lot of sense, especially in the show, they mention multiple times that Nicholas was at one point an academic, which could imply him having special interests and hyper fixations. During the flashbacks of him at the orphanage we really don't see him interact with anyone other than Nathaniel, which could be due to a number of factors, but could also suggest that maybe Nicholas struggled socially. This is support by the fact that when he rants at Nathaniel in 1x8, he says Nathaniel always tried "to control me [Nicholas], to control your friends", but Nicholas doesn't say our friends or my friends, and the only friends of his own mentioned from childhood are Nathaniel (who his says was his best friend), and Tommy Jacobs (who Nathaniel told him to stay away from and was implied to be a social outcast) suggesting that Nathaniel was the one building and maintaining the twin's social circle, though of course that's speculation.

I also previously talked about Nicholas being emotionally overwhelmed, and I know I connected that more to my own experience of ADHD-I symptoms, but I could see it being connected to experiences of autism as well, such as autistic burnout, autistic meltdowns, or sensory overload, I suppose it's open to interpretation especially if you head canon Nicholas as having both ADHD and Autism and consider all the ways that ADHD and Autism can coexist and interact within the same person.

It's also worth noting that Nathaniel is also seen misinterpreting social situations and struggling to connect with his peers both in flashback and in the show. In the flashbacks, he doesn't pick up the fact that the perspective parents don't like him or that people are displeased with his morning after performance. In the present, he has to basically twist Garrison's arm into a friendship and has so many weird and uncomfortable scenes where he tries to offer her "a chance to share the spotlight" and gives her champagne she can't drink where it looks like he's attempting to get her to genuinely like him but he just keeps missing the mark and getting more and more frustrated. I suppose you can also head canon this as ASD if you want since it is a pattern of social struggles that has followed him into adulthood (especially since Nicholas and Nathaniel are twins and would likely have similar symptoms), but it's also important to remember that Nathaniel is an antagonist, so I could understand where this head canon could also be taken negatively.

As for how I incorporate ASD head canons into my fic, since ASD is a disorder I have a lot of personal familiarity with, but am not diagnosed with myself, I try to write it in a way where I keep what's canon canon, I talk mostly about the symptoms I'm familiar with or have heard friends of mine describe (I mention Nicholas stimming as a child and struggling to understand social situations, getting very emotionally overwhelmed, etc.).

One thing I was mindful of, especially when writing my fic was that even though Nicholas (and SQ, who I'll talk more about in another post) having autism is a fairly popular head canon made mostly by autistic people, I still wanted to make sure that when I focused in or hinted at those symptoms that I did it well and did it respectfully.

For example, one problematic trope that can happen in autism representation is infantilizing or having them portrayed as sweet and innocent characters, but also characters without a lot of agency, and I did worry a bit about that when writing them from Nathaniel's point of view, and talking about things like him not trusting SQ to make his own decisions, and viewing Nicholas as incapable or incompetent. I really tried to make it super clear that this is how Curtain or other characters are viewing them at various points in time, but it's not necessarily how they actually are. So far I think that I've been able to make that clear, at least I haven't heard anyone say that my portrayal is problematic or bad, and I have gotten a lot of comments saying that I do a fairly good job of switching between the POVs of different characters and showing how certain things from one character's perspective are incorrect in another's. But again, while I have some personal experience with ASD, I don't have it myself, so I'm curious to know what people with ASD think about this head canon and whether it's an accurate and positive one, and if any of you guys think that it's a problematic head canon, or does more harm than good, please let me know.

-----------------------------

Anxiety/OCD:

Anxiety/OCD Symptoms: My background with OCD and anxiety is that I have several family members and friends with anxiety and OCD, and I know that it's a really difficult disorder to live with especially when you're trying to deal with it on your own.

I know there have been a couple people who have already pointed out Nathaniel's OCD and anxiety-like behaviors, especially in the ways that it parallels Sticky's anxiety and OCD tendencies (and I might do another post talking more in depth about Sticky but if you haven't read Sophie's amazing fic about it, do that now).

I noticed these symptoms of Curtain's mostly in season 1, where Curtain started out as a seemingly confident and calm evil mastermind behind the Emergency and then became increasingly anxious and upset the more he lost control. You could also argue the way the Institute is governed by so many rules designed to not look like rules and Curtain's extreme need for control and orderliness are also signs of OCD or anxious tendencies. (and his anxiety and frustration when that control and order is disrupted, such a when he screams at his stenographer that "every minor detail" matters).

In my fic, I do a few examples of Curtain experiencing intrusive and negative thought patterns and using control to try and cope with that, but since it's not a disorder I've been diagnosed with or symptoms I personally experience, I try to keep it within Nathaniel's canon concerns (his fear of failure, being abandoned by his friends and family, his paranoia and mistrust of others especially when he's investigating the kids in season 1 and assumes Nicholas came to the island to mock him).

There's also a scene where Curtain makes SQ believe that his friend Reynie is only trying to take advantage of him, and while it's an example of Curtain letting his own anxieties and fears overshadow what's best for his son, I really try to write in an way that emphasizes that Curtain does believe he is doing the right thing and protecting him, even if he's not doing it correctly. While I mostly focus on his anxiety and OCD symptoms and tendencies in season 1 (because that's when they are emphasized the most), you could also argue he has them a bit towards the end of season 2 as well, but I also think that might be RSD related, which I'll talk about later.

I have also considered possibly exploring more about his relationship with Nicholas especially within the context of my head canon of Nicholas having ADHD and Nathaniel having OCD, because I've had those kind of relationships irl, and sometimes it's balanced really well, because the person with OCD is usually better at executive functioning while the person with ADHD can provide distraction from negative thoughts and reassurance/emotional support, and those are the kinds of relationships I've had that have worked really well. However, I've also had relationships, mostly with roommates, where things just don't match up; they want a roommate with a certain level of cleanliness that follows a steady and predictable routine they can plan around (when you shower, when you bring guests over, etc.) and I just can't live like that and it's no fun getting bullied and nagged all the time and it's also no fun living with someone who is messy and unpredictable, so I can understand why in a situation where both these things were happening, Nicholas leaving created very complicated feelings for both of them.

I'm not sure if I'll have the chance to explore that more in flashbacks or maybe in season 2 when they spend more time together, but it is an interesting dynamic. And just like I said with Nicholas' ASD head canon, while I have some personal experience with OCD and anxiety through friends and family members, I don't have it myself, so I'm curious to know what people with OCD and anxiety think about this head canon and whether it's an accurate or positive one (because even though Nathaniel does grow and change, he's still an antagonist for most of the series especially in season 1), and if any of you guys think that it's a problematic head canon, or does more harm than good, please let me know.

It's also worth pointing out the Nicholas does have some anxious tendencies as well (this has been mentioned by several people in the fandom, and also Nicholas and Nathaniel are identical twins, so it is likely they'd have similar neurotypes), but he also has a better emotional support system than Nathaniel does, so it's likely easier for him to manage his anxiety in a healthy way vs. Nathaniel relying on control. I'd be interested in hearing what people with OCD and anxiety think about this and whether it could apply to both twins.

-----------------------------

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) symptoms:

BPD Symptoms: Since BPD is a less known disorder, I'll first explain that it's a personality disorder (PD) with 9 symptoms (you need 5 symptoms for diagnosis, which leaves 256 possible types of BPD) and it's often linked to some form of abandonment related childhood trauma (a parent leaving, dying, being emotionally distant or abusive, etc.). I will say I was on the fence about this one, and debated including it in my post at all, because I want to acknowledge that head canoning a character, especially a villain character, with a PD can be stereotyping and problematic if not done correctly (though there are many villain characters who have been head cannoned as having BPD by people with BPD (pwBPD) including Anakin from Star Wars, Catra from She-Ra, and Azula from ATLA).

Additionally, I'm also not someone diagnosed with PD, and wouldn't make head canons unless I thought it could be positive or accurate representation. And I think season 2 Nathaniel might qualify for that. Maybe, it's a little complicated. My experience with PDs and BPD comes from knowing people with it irl, but specifically older people with BPD (older than 45), who tend to present differently than younger people because they are on average less likely to have received mental health help or a diagnosis when they were younger and the relationships and goals you have and prioritize at 60 are not the same as the ones you had at 25. I specify season 2 Nathaniel when I talk about his BPD symptoms, mostly because that was when I noticed them. Going into season 2, I did not have BPD in mind as a head canon for him at all. But watching season 2, there were a lot of his scenes where I found myself saying "this looks familiar" and "wait...are they trying to portray BPD in an older person?" and then I realized that when you took out a DSM checklist and looked back at the character...he does fit the criteria pretty well.

However, just fitting a set of DSM criteria doesn't mean a character is good representation, and even accurate representation can still be stereotypical representation (*cough cough* Number Two's mom). Whether Nathaniel could be considered good BPD rep is a difficult question to answer for a couple reasons. The first is because characters with PDs are often stereotyped as villains and antagonists, and while Nathaniel is a sympathetic, likeable, and ultimately redeemed antagonist, he's still an antagonist (not as much of an antagonist as Anakin "the women and children too" Skywalker, a BPD head canon often made by individuals with BPD (plus more about his symptoms here)), but still an antagonist. And while people with BPD have head canoned antagonists as also having BPD, these are usually well-loved antagonists with popular and clear redemption arcs, and Nathaniel's book counterpart (who, for the record DOES NOT have any mental health disorder he's just awful) is very different from his character in the show. So even if Nathaniel is good BPD rep, if someone unfamiliar with how different the MBS show and books are sees the head canon and applies it to the book character on accident, it could leave them with a very false and negative view of the disorder. You could argue this could also easily happen with Nathaniel's anxiety head canon and his control issues, and it could, but anxiety isn't generally vilified nearly as much as PDs.

But on the other hand, I could also see where Nathaniel's BPD could be a positive head canon, and there were a lot of things about it that I really liked. BPD has slowly started to get more positive rep in the media and in the world of psychology in general, but stories with themes of self-improvement where the pwBPD is portrayed in a positive light are still normally reserved for younger people (20s/30s/early 40s) and people without kids. When older pwBPD, especially untreated or undiagnosed individuals and especially individuals with kids are shown in media or talked about in psychology...let's just say it's not great. Now, obviously untreated mental health symptoms can negatively effect the people around you and cause serious damage after so many years, but the lack of positive growth stories about older pwBPD has always bothered me because it completely ignores any good qualities they have, or even the possibility of getting help later in life, and I hate seeing people that I love consistently talked about and portrayed so negatively not just in media but in the field of psychology in general. I also think it's a bit ageist to say that young people can get help for their mental health disorders and improve, but that it's too late for older adults.

That's why I love so much of what they did with Nathaniel's character. They didn't dismiss the impact his symptoms had on his family and SQ, but they also didn't completely blame it all on his BPD symptoms (in fact, in season 1, his anxiety symptoms seemed to be the main focus). They also established very early on that Nathaniel was a redeemable and sympathetic character and wasn't meant to be a copy of his book counterpart (Reynie's 1x8 speech about how Curtain is a good person). Additionally, once his BPD symptoms were more present in season 2, that was when Nathaniel became more likeable in the eyes of the fandom, not less likeable, and I really like that they did that. For as much as we make jokes about hitting Curtain with his golf cart and hating him, I've also seen a lot of people talk about reluctantly coming around to loving his character as they've rewatched Season 2, and I was one of them for sure. I loved that they showed how silly and fun his character was, and how yeah, he's not thinking clearly and is actively committing crimes, but really all he wants is a world where he is loved and has his family with him, he doesn't actually want to hurt anyone. Then there's the fact that his narcolepsy trigger is vulnerability and how that could connect to his self-image, and the fact that the society kids have trauma linked to abandonment that could led to the development of BPD later and how that connects to themes of healing generational trauma (also side note: children can't have a BPD diagnosis so while the kids do have abandonment related traumas and you can draw parallels there, you can't head canon them with BPD to mirror Nathaniel the same way you can head canon other diagnosis between the adults and kids, like with Nicholas and SQ both having autism).

However, the positive aspects of Nathaniel as a BPD character ironically can also be seen as a bad thing, because on the one hand, it's nice to see an older person with possible BPD getting a self-improvement story arc and sympathetic portrayal, but on the other hand: the show was cancelled. And that was really upsetting to me, especially because becoming "a good guy" didn't completely remove Nathaniel's BPD or anxiety symptoms, but they showed him dealing with them in a more healthy way with a support system, and that's such a great message, and we have so little representation of that, so I'm glad they hinted at that...but they totally could have done more with it, and I'm so sad that they can't now because it's a message that does not go unappreciated.

For writing Nathaniel's BPD symptoms into my fic, this is a bit complicated, because while Nathaniel does have a lot of canon symptoms (abandonment related fears, mood swings, moments of anger, unstable relationships, impulsive career change and self identity between seasons, etc.), and I really don't need to add anything, it's still a matter of debate whether it's good representation or not, and I could see people interpreting his character a number of ways. So while I sticking to canon, I still leave things ambiguous. For example, there's a scene in my fic where Curtain admits he doesn't have a stable identity because he avoids vulnerability. You could say that's also due to BPD/unstable self-image or you could say it's entirely due to his canon narcolepsy trigger. It's up to you whether you want the BPD rep there or not, because I've reviewed posts and tips written by people with BPD about writing representation, and recognize that while Nathaniel fits the DSM criteria pretty well and the show focuses a lot on his abandonment issues and symptoms, he is still an antagonist for most of the series. A likable and ultimately redeemed antagonist, but still an antagonist, which means the plot of the show and my fic, while it's ultimately driving him to redemption, still require him do some pretty bad antagonistic things regardless of whether they are directly connected to any symptoms that he has (consider this your warning), and I can see why that aspect of it might be a turn off, which is why I leave the rep open to the interpretation of the reader.

As I mentioned, there are 256 possible types of BPD, I don't expect that everyone with BPD would relate to Nathaniel, and this is also generally a younger fandom (teens/20s/30s) and a big reason I like Nathaniel's rep is because he's portraying what I've seen in older as opposed to younger people with BPD, so it's possible someone with BPD looking at this character would either see it more as a representation of an older family member (because these things do run in families) or wouldn't be able to relate to him. But I'd still be curious to know what people with BPD think about this head canon and whether they agree that's what's being represented here and if so, whether it was done accurately or positively, and just like with other head canons, if any of you guys think that this head canon is problematic or does more harm than good, please let me know.

I'd also be curious to know what people think about Nicholas possibly also having BPD, because he did grow up in an orphanage and his adoptive parents don't seem to be around anymore. He also seems convinced that his friends will leave him whenever he makes a mistake, which...again it could be the anxiety, it could be that both twins have BPD...it could go a number of ways.

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RSD and CSD:

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD): I know anxiety is also a popular Nicholas head canon, but I did want to mention the ways that I see Nicholas' flavor of anxiety as very RSD oriented. For those that don't know what RSD is, it's when you experience severe emotional pain because of failure or being rejected, and it's often related to ADHD. In my personal experience, it's a lot worse when you feel like you've messed up in a moral sense, done something wrong, hurt someone, or let someone down, especially when the other person assumes that you have malicious intentions, or did something on purpose. You just feel like you want to delete every memory of what happened or destroy yourself to make it go away. It can also happen in response to constructive criticisms too if the person still feels that they really messed up or hurt someone.

I see a lot of RSD/anxious tendencies in Nicholas, specifically in response to what he did to Nathaniel, but also at the thought of something happening to the children or his friends and it being his fault for creating the Sender and dragging them into this. This is also supported by the fact that Nicholas' anxiety seemed to go up a lot after 1x03 when he finds out Nathaniel is the Sender and he has his little breakdown in the woods. Obviously he's always been anxious about the operation in general, who wouldn't be, but once he realizes he might have himself to blame if things go wrong or if one of the children gets hurt, that's when the anxiety really starts to come. Again, you can feel free to disagree with this head canon and I could see Nicholas having anxiety in other situations as well, but as someone with ADHD-I who head canons Nicholas that way, this was something I picked up on.

Compliment Sensitivity Dysphoria (CSD): I talked about RSD with Nicholas and how it's common in ADHD-I, but RSD is common in other disorders too, and Curtain definitely has it, but I think he has something else as well. A little phenomena I also experience on occasion, which I have named "Compliment Sensitivity Dysphoria" (not a clinical term, my own term). I don't know if it's a thing other people with ADHD-I experience, or maybe just those of us who have a family history of other stuff and it's a combination of things that's causing it, but basically, it's the opposite of RSD. With RSD, you get one negative comment, you want to destroy yourself, but with CSD, you get complimented once, you develop a God complex.

I know I talked about the show's focus switching from looking at Nathaniel's anxiety symptoms in season 1 to his BPD symptoms in season 2, but something else changes between seasons 1 and 2 and that's the characters surrounding Nathaniel. In Season 1, he's getting criticized by Garrison, Nicholas tells him off at the end, his son is disobeying him, and he feels attacked. Season 2, everybody praises his every move all the time, leaving him open to CSD. Now speaking from personal experience, the CSD God complex thing is very fun, but you gotta watch out for those pesky consequences™️ because if you don't, the RSD will come back worse than you could ever imagine, so you need to look out (which, obviously, our poor Nathaniel did not do). I also love the way he apologizes at the end: "I might have been going about things the wrong way (nearly froze thousands of people including my own family) so let's just go now and never talk about it again because if I reflect on the bad things I did I will self-destruct so let's all just move on now thank you :)" absolutely iconic. Accountability king right there.

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Maladaptive Daydreaming (MADD):

For those who don't know what maladaptive daydreaming is, I'll admit, I'm not as active with the MADD tumblr community (it does exist though) and you can google it, but if you've ever paced around or stimmed while listening to music and zoning about thinking about fictional characters, that's basically what that is, but it's only technically considered maladaptive if done to an unhealthy degree, but obviously what constitutes an "unhealthy degree" is a more vaguely defined area. MADD is incredibly common in people with ADHD (specifically, ADHD-Inattentive type), but it's also very common in OCD, ASD, and personality disorders as well.

MADD presents differently in different people, but in my experience, the dancing and stimming to repetitive or happy music is the format that tends to trigger the most euphoria. Which is interesting for someone like Nicholas, because having a form of narcolepsy that causes him to pass out when he feels real joy means he wouldn't have had the chance to experience MADD like that, until he's given the artificial happiness by Curtain. And once Curtain does? Nicholas is cheerfully pacing around his apartment (I think I commented somewhere on a live blog that it looked like MADD), and then there's the whole "dance party in the field scene", big MADD vibes there.

MADD also has an overlap with ASD (hence the stimming and motor stereotypy that often happens during the daydreaming), and OCD (because both involve repetitive and uncontrollable thoughts, it's just that the thoughts associated with MADD are fun and addictive thoughts instead of distressing ones. But they can still be harmful if taken to an extreme).

Again, clinically, I'm not sure if Nicholas has enough instances to be "diagnosed" with MADD, but those scenes in season 2 had the vibes going so I just thought I'd mention it. Also, a canonically autistic character that I (and many others) head canon with MADD is Abed Nadir from "Community" if you are interested in looking for another example of MADD in someone with autism.

Finally, you can maybe make the argument that Curtain has MADD as well, or at least one instance of it.

Again, I wouldn't say the MADD aspect is overly focused on in Nicholas or Nathaniel, but it's common in OCD, ASD, ADHD, and PDs (all of which tend to run together in families), and Nathaniel's Stand Back Dance had the vibe going for sure. Between moving across the world between seasons, getting a new career, and doing his little dance, the man was entering his Rebecca Bunch era (and if you don't know who that is, Rebecca Bunch is a pretty well known canon BPD representation from the tv show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and I've seen a lot of people head canon her with maladaptive daydreaming as well. She's also likely going to be Nathaniel's competition if he makes into the theater kid showdown, so for reference here's a clip of her experiencing RSD).

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Finally, since these are all disorders I know a lot about, I'm happy to answer any questions (as long as you keep it respectful and no ableist. Remember the RSD), and if you feel like any of these head canons are harmful and/or problematic, please let me know (mostly concerned about Nathaniel's head canons since he's a bad guy, but if you think Nicholas' head canons are problematic as well, feel free to message about those too. Again, remembering that I did this with the best of intentions and also the RSD).

Also, since the Benedict brothers are identical twins, and you could argue they both had signs of all the disorders, which all tend to run together in families anyway, so if you want to skip the DSM technicalities and what's popular in fandom and throw up your hands and say "they both have ASD/ADHD/OCD/BPD" it's a head canon, it can be whatever I want!" then know that I fully support you in that quest.

And for those who might not be as familiar with one or more of these disorders, or didn't realize they had such a strong genetic overlap and are interested in learning more, I have resources for that too!

Misdiagnosis Monday has some great charts of symptom overlap. I include some below.

[blazingblorbos]

Okay Genshin 4.1 thoughts dump because if I don't compile my thoughts somewhere I will literally implode. Anyways, spoilers for the Fontaine Archon Quest so far (as of Chapter 4, the Version 4.1 update) under the Read More (a couple paragraphs under, but you catch my drift)

So. Something I have always absolutely adored about Genshin's storytelling is the way it goes about presenting its gods as "Human too"...

At first, it was seen painfully obvious through Ei and her incredibly human response to grief and trauma (a lot of people thought she was being unreasonable, and yeah for a ruler of an entire nation, closing yourself off to the outside world certainly seems - and is - irresponsible. And then... you consider how easily any other normal person would have done the same thing, if not worse, if they had lost nearly everyone they loved in quick succession, while also being personally responsible for a handful of those deaths).

And upon further reflection on the topic, you can see blatant traces of it present in every archon. And I don't just mean their trying to blend into/ further their understanding of humans, human society, and human nature.

I mean, Venti is kinda hedonistic and aloof; Zhongli wasn't always as wise and so intricately-versed in his knowledge about so many things - before the Archon War, he was more of a brute who preferred to solve things head-on (literally) as opposed to thinking things through; Nahida- oh don't even get me started on Nahida. Her self-doubt and insecurity as a result of facing constant beratement and feelings of inferiority to Rukkhadevata; her constant desire to learn more (both for her namesake as the God of Wisdom, to prove herself, and for her own curiosity's sake); her child-like nature (as a result of her research and human observation ofc!!! but still adorable none-the-less; I mean "dook-dook" !?! come on!)...

But now with Furina, oh. I think we've entered a BRAND NEW level and it's part of the reason why I absolutely love her so much.

In classic good-story-telling practice, Genshin achieves all of this through "show-not-tell" and it's world-class ability of characterizing its characters (IN MY OPINION ! I love them so much, okay?). And from the second I MET this girl to the very last line of 4.1's archon quest, it has been made painfully abundant to me that

Furina is just a child.

She has. NO IDEA what she's doing!!! Now, the underlying reasons for this have yet to be seen, and will most likely be tackled in the very next Archon Quest chapter, but if you'll allow me to speculate right now... Knowing that Egeria also conducted trials for citizens who broke the law (meaning she should have also been a God of Justice), I believe whole-heartedly that it was her who built the entire system Furina and Neuvillette are running right now. Meaning, I'm confident Furina has absolutely nothing to do with it. The ONLY (and I think I truly mean ONLY) thing Furina did in the time since she inherited the role was: change the perception of what justice and its deliverance should be into something a lot more akin to a dramatic play, only enacted for people's enjoyment.

Which includes her lack of knowledge on the Oratrice. Furina didn't create it. How could she? She's so utterly ignorant on what it is, how it works, and dare I say what it's truly even for.

The moment I read this statement I convinced myself that it had to have been the previous Hydro Archon. And while I concede that: looking back on the wording of this statement now, it seems like its existence would only be beneficial under someone like Furina's ruling… But, I'm willing to just chalk that up to "Egeria had great future-sight" (or something more along the lines of: she trusted the machine to help keep her in check so false charges were less likely; and it just so happens that its decision making is carrying the court system now under Furina’s rule).

Like many things related to Fontaine's history, it would seem, Egeria being solely responsible for the creation of all these staple facilities and aspects of the nation's inner workings would shed light on why Furina is so unknowing. She had nothing to do with it. And while I'm no envoy from Celestia, so I have no insight as to what the hell happens when a new Archon is born to fill in the void that was left, I think that whatever that process is (IF THERE EVEN IS ONE) went completely awry for Furina. She probably didn't even inherit the Gnosis - ever ! I'm thinking it's stuffed into the Oratrice somehow/somewhere. I'm thinking the "curse" Arlecchino sensed has something to do with that process of inheritance (or... lack thereof) going so wrong.

It’s obvious that Furina is running from something. Ignoring something. Distracting herself from the realities of the world with the “spectacle of the courtroom” (as Dain put it). And it’d be easy to just chalk it up to her being a little bitch with no deeper meaning but I don’t think that’s it.

Genshin doesn’t make it gods “just human”. They spend their time trying to prove that they’re “Human too”.

The underlying reasons for it have to lie in whatever happened when Furina was born. Cursed. Whether it was a curse to end up alone (as per the prophecy), or to never obtain the powers becoming of a god in this world... Whatever happened, it overwhelmed Furina to an unbearable degree, and naturally, like any Human would... she resorted to escapism. She found entertainment in the trials headed at the court room, realized she could make people like her by being this mascot of justice, and upon learning that it's only a matter of time before all of her subjects turn into puddles and she'll be left all alone… she decided to just- NOT think about it!! Who would?! That is a horrifying! revelation.

THAT is why she's so scared to fight - literally anyone!! She doesn’t have the power (and if she does she’s never had to use it).

THAT is why she’s turned out this way - a brat with very little humility, never knowing when to stop the act - because for centuries she’s lived in this little Lala-Land of a bubble denying the inevitable. A fate she was cursed with from the moment she inherited the title of “God”. She wasn’t really given powers, she wasn’t given dominion, and she most certainly hasn’t received instruction, or… ANY!?! HELP!! it seems, in understanding what it means to be an Archon (perhaps even in spite of those other perks she was “supposed” to receive.)

Born to be a god, yet being set up to suffer the loss of your entire people with almost no power to change it? That would fuck anyone up, even an Archon.

And it’s the way that they’ve shown how it’s fucked with Furina that blows my mind.

She’s so disconnected that Arle’s assassination attempt shocked her to her core. She’s a GOD!! Who would try to assassinate her (aside from the Fatui)!? She’s never had to even perceive the notion of being a target of something like that. Stack that on top of her general sense of helplessness in the greater context of what’s happening to her nation, and it makes sense that she broke down crying later that night... :(

Girlie just needs some help </3