#sorry for any typing errors i am on my phone rn but i just wanted to get this post out

[cherealta]

vivienne would throw all her goals out of the window if it meant staying with the people she loves the most vs agnieszka would isolate herself so she could achieve her goals.

more under the cut!

vivienne grew up in a tight-knit family. she was surrounded by them mainly because one, her grandparents owned a resort in thailand which her mother and uncle helped with, and two, her three cousins feeling like siblings more than anything. because of this she would get lonely easy as not being around people for even a hour would be such a foreign feeling to her. obviously stuff happened as she got older, she grew less close (didn't help moving to the us by herself for the first year when she was just about to turn fourteen, then her mother coming over to the states too when it didn't work out with living with her father - long story). she started losing her mother's constant attention when she was around 10, leading her to try and find it in other places. the co-dependant bsf was that place. it wasn't healthy for either of them. that best friend in question being dao - who'll get her proper introduction soon hopefully. but for now i'll leave it at that (mwahahaha).

this didn't get better when she moved to the states. in fact it got worse. she went to some fancy boarding school that her father sent her to because he still couldn't face her properly. she had nobody that she knew by her side. everyone was a stranger. not only that but she had to learn american customs, to conform to their standards. so she did anything, literally anything, to get the attention she needed. she didn't want to be alone. because for vivienne being alone meant she failed. it reminded her of her mother's sudden distance. she never got a full reason why, just guesses, and it lead her to believe she wasn't a good enough daughter for her mother anymore. not only that she couldn't let them leave like dao. it lead to a lot of hurt and trouble for vivienne. even though she hates looking back on this part of herself i think it helped her grow a lot. it made her realize her actions can have bad consequences, even the smallest ones.

at berry high where she could make her own rules and not subject herself to hellish social standards she was setting herself at the boarding school i think it helped her relax and be a lot less reckless. but she still loses herself at times. not only that but it's hard for the students to see vivienne faltering because they see her as a symbol more than another human being (not exactly their fault and honestly this more how vivienne thinks than the actual reality. but i'll explore this a lot more when i go into detail about how the ace saga personally affected her). hell she even did fall into the trap of pushing people away because guess what - she's human!

but at the end of it all, vivienne doesn't even know what she wants for herself. even by the end of her senior year were she grows A LOT. this leads her to have a gap year and going back to thailand for a year. it helped her understand herself more and to heal a bit from her childhood. now in the year of 2024 which she's currently 26 i think she still has a lot of places to grow. learning how to be selfish for ONCE will help this girl by a long run. somebody tell her it's okay to argue for her opinions, thoughts and feelings instead of feeling like somebody will shoot her in the face if she ever does anything that they don't like.

then you have agnieszka. a lonely child. her mother and father clearly fell out of love by 1996, but they didn't divorce. her mother had to fight her family to even marry him. he was a poor immigrant from poland, to her family they saw him as a nothing more than a dirty social climber. her agreeing to name her agnieszka was a massive fuck you, so divorcing him will just let her family have that win which she'll not let them have. then on the other hand agnieszka's father had finally managed to get himself (and by extension his siblings) a very comfortable life. why would he give that up? they live in the same house until agnieszka has moved out, trying to keep up an "image". even after her mother found out about vivienne and his affair, she still stayed. but they don't share the same room. they don't even sit in the same room as one another.

agnieszka being undiagnosed with autism didn't help either. she constantly felt out of place. her mother tried to "correct" her odd ways, her father told her that she should only embrace those ways in private. this caused her to mask, which lead to her hiding such a key part of her identity. she would just be whatever people said she was. it was easier that way. it's not like she agreed with most people. she didn't understand why life worked the way it did. why her parents lived like that. but it seemed like a easier choice for her at the time.

when she went to school (catholic private school no doubt) she had to conceal even more of herself. she had a gut feeling she liked girls when she was around 14, though she didn't get the confirmation until a girl kissed her. hell she barely knew this girl! she doesn't even remember how it happened. but she was afraid - until she was 17 when she started to give less of a fuck. it became an open secret to the sapphics of the private school. letting herself be their experiment. nothing real ever came out of them. but agnieszka didn't complain. it wasn't like she could hate a bunch of cute girls wanting to kiss her. but it didn't help her with the feeling that most relationships are just superficial nonsense that people use to get further in life and for their own selfish reasons.

she had friends in school - though she lost contact with all of them except two. a lot of them didn't understand why she'd cut herself off from her parents just to live a life she wanted. but agnieszka was tired of living in the shadow of somebody or just being an extension of them. she wanted to make a name for herself but she didn't want to let people in too close. if her parents failed her how could anybody else not?

this is why she chose to showcase her art and became a fashion designer. some of the collections were about personal parts of her life covered with fancy and pretentious words as the name of the collection and then some were things she was simply liked. it allowed people to know who she was while simultaneously not directly saying it.

i think like vivienne (but instead of high school it was university) helped her grow. she learnt to let people get close to her, to build actual connections. it was hard at first. she was still lowkey socially awkward and had a hard time understanding others but as time passed she had a better grasp. though she made sure she lived life how she wanted. if anybody disagreed? they could simply leave. no matter how close. but at the same time i think learning that relationships don't have to be this super complex soul-bonding thing could help her... a lot.

[naptoons]

Official Girl— Zion Kuwonu

Warnings: mild mature language.

Theme: Angst / Fluff ??? I guess I vauguely know the diff.

Summary: you and Zion have been together for almost half a year, but it didn’t feel like it cause when it came down to the public eye, he was single. And you were just his friend.

A/N: I did not proofread any of this so if there’s some spelling errors I apologize, and I hope it isn’t cringe! Enjoy🖤

You and Zion have been dating for almost a year and to your surprise no one even knew expect the PRETTYMUCH members along with their girlfriends. Neither of your family members knew either. You had a million thoughts going through your brain debating which thought was the placebo of why he would want to hide your relationship for almost a year. Don’t get it wrong, your relationship is great, he makes you happy. But hearing him tell the rest of his friends any beanz that ‘you’re aren’t his girl’ and ‘just a friend’ kinda made you think back on the days where you were stuck in the friend zone with him.

Sighing you slouch in your chair turning in your essay. You decided to go to los angles to study for your major. You wanted to get out of your hometown experience new places and people. You met Zion through one of your friends. You’ve never even heard of ‘PRETTYMUCH’ until she showed you a few of their music videos and interviews you started to hone in on them. Next thing you knew your friend bought you guys tickets and meet and greets in los angles.

Zion had his eyes on you on and off the entire time on stage. And boy was he thrilled to see you at meet and greet. And that’s the cliché way you meet Zion and became his “girlfriend” more like “girl-friend” groaning you hop out the bed going to grab a cup of water but your phones text tone vibration on the cherry wood table stops you. Moving towards your phone you see a text from the devil himself. Crazy how the universe works.

[ From: Babie 🤧🧡 ]

Hey mamas you wanna go to a birthday party with me? I promise I’ll stick by you the whole night ❤️

Moral of the story to the last sentence Zion typed was prettymuch had a album release party with a lot of their friends and Zion invited you. But twenty minutes into the party Zion left you and was faded and tipsy.So you ended up taking an uber back home and went to sleep. Zion didn’t get a wink of sleep that night worrying about you.

[ To: Babie 🤧🧡 ]

Hm. Fine I’ll go but you better keep your promise.

[ From: Babie 🤧🧡 ]

I promise babygirl. The party isn’t until late around 8pm so I’ll come pick you up. I love you can’t wait to see your fine ass🥵

Rolling your eyes at his flirty remarks. One thing you can’t knock him for is he always reminds you how beautiful you are. Sitting your phone down you go back to the previous task, grabbing the glass and sticking it on the dispenser filling it half empty half full. Sipping on the ice cold water you make your way back to room deciding how you would kill two hours worth of time.

Waking up an hour and a half later you decided to go ahead and take a shower. While waiting for the water to heat up you grab your phone turning on your Bluetooth speaker to blare music for your invisible fans. First song to come up on shuffle was official girl by Cassie. You place your fingers in the shower feeling the warm water slide down your fingertips. Stripping out of your clothes you jump in the shower.

“You gotta love me in the light and the dark” you sung out loud. As you were singing the lyrics it resonated with your feelings towards Zion.After your quick shower you got dressed and did your hair in a style you loved. Looking at the clock wondering would Zion be on his way yet,It’s 7:30pm and he hasn’t sent a single text or call. Going to your messages you decide to text him.

[ To: Babie 🤧🧡 ]

Zion what time are you coming to pick me up?

Setting your phone back down, you grab your platform boots slipping them on and tying them up. Grabbing your favorite perfume brand lathering your body up in it. fifteen minutes later and you still got nothing from Zion. You launch the Instagram app seeing Zion posted on his Instagram 3 minutes ago a screen of his monitor and fortnite asking for someone to join the lobby.

You roll your eyes wondering why you even texted him in the first place, him and fortnite have a better relationship than you and Zion. You decided to text one of the members.

[ To: Raisin Bran ⛓ ]

Hey Brandon is the party still going on tonight?

[ From: Raisin Bran ⛓ ]

. yeah , we’re actually here where are you and Zion?

[ To: Raisin Bran ⛓ ]

‘Zion’ is on fortnite rn, ill be coming in uber please give me the address🙄

[ From: Raisin Bran ⛓ ]

. I mean you don’t have to come if you don’t want too.

It’s better to have fun, then being cooped up in the house doing nothing, what could go wrong? You though you yourself. Pulling your leather skirt down a little you stand up and place an uber order Your uber arrived twenty minutes later,On the way to the party you have been listening to music with occasionally conversations with the driver. Your phone vibrates, and from the vibrations you know who it is. And you dread wether you should reply or not.but deep down you know you can’t ignore him.

[ From Babie 🤧🧡 ]

Yo Sorry mamas I didn’t see your text.

[ From Babie 🤧🧡 ]

I’m coming to get your fine ass now🥵

[ To: Babie 🤧🧡 ]

No worries Zion lol, I’m catching a ride to the party.

[ From: Babie 🤧🧡 ]

Who’s takin you?

Ignoring his question you decide to screenlock your phone and enjoy the soft ride. The ride was about an extra twenty minutes to get there but it was a pleasant ride nevertheless

Getting out of the car you thank the driver and prepare yourself for the house full of sweaty young adults, blaring loud music and the smell of different strains of weed. Pulling your skirt down a little you walk up to the door ignoring the few whistles and hollers from the drunk guys falling around and laughing on the grass. Knocking on the door you await for anyone to open the door it was starting to get a little chilly outside. “Y/N?” Someone speaks in a puzzled tone. Turning your head around your eyes are met with nick, nodding your head you step off the steps to be engulfed in a hug.

“How are you, what are you doing here by yourself?” Nick questions

“Well I’m not by myself now am I ?” You joke sarcastically, nick shows his cheeky smile while opening the door for you. Upon your sight is a house filled to the rim of people, red solo cups scattered all over the floor, multiple groups of people playing games and kissing.

“Where’s Zion?” Nick asks, while the both of you walk into the kitchen, the constant questions of “Zion” is starting to agitate you more and more. You wanted to have fun and not think about Zion. Because frankly Zion hasn’t been thinking about you. Before you could answer nick’s question soft delicate caramel tattooed arms wrapped around your shoulders with a sweet scent of strawberries and mint leaves.

“I’m here” his voice hones in on your ear lobes, his lips reaching your temple slightly and rapidly before any one could catch eyes on it “hey mamas” Zion’s voice vibrates across your skin.

“Hi” you answer softly not really wanting to talk to him you’d hoped to avoid, nick offers you and Zion a drink grabbing the shot you swallow it down like it was water. Passing the shot glass over to nick for another round.

“Woah mamas slow down okay?” Zion mumbles from behind you with his hands firmly placed on you lower back. Ignoring his comment you drink down another shot earning a “wooo” from nick as he fires you up for your last shot of the day with a slice of lime from the fridge.

“Thank you nick” you smile eating the lime in one hand and firmly grasping the cold water bottle in the other. You turn around to say something to Zion but he’s gone in the back talking to someone. you decide it’s really time to have fun since you’re “single” in the dark. Before you could head over to the dance floor a guy walks up to you with a sheepish grin. His teeth were pearly white and aligned with each other not missing a single space or gap, his skin screamed Melanin “hello how are you?” He asks very politely.

“I’m fine and you?”

“Good if you’re breathing, I was wondering would you like to have a dance? If you don’t mind” he hesitates,not even thinking of an answer you grab his hand reporting to the dance floor. (A/N i thought about the lyric from you by Lloyd ‘And uh, I want all my sexy ladies to report to the dance floor immediately’ lol sorry I may have made you cringe)

you get on the dance floor dancing to the song that’s blaring through the speakers. Taking sips from another shot you grabbed on your way to the dance floor why not? You did say you wanted to have fun. Softly the mysterious man lays his hand on your hips digging his fingertips into your waist. Even though you knew you were with Zion. You wasn’t just going to grind up on some guy even though your devil shoulder told you too.

Zion finishes his conversation with a friend he used to know in Canada, now he was on his way to look for you trying to keep his promise of never leaving tonight. Meeting nick back at the kitchen his thick eyebrows knitted in confusion. Nick not wanting to hear the anger bounce off on him, he decides to point in the direction of you and the mysterious guy. Fuming with vexation, he squeezed the bottle in his hands until his knuckles turned white. Heading over towards the problem he grab you by your arm softly but cautiously. The guy stands back smirking at the sight of a jealous Zion. while you were a bit staggering from the four shots of alcohol you took.

“Hey chill out we were dancing and having a good time!” The guy slurs his words. You started to sober up slightly at the sight of Zion’s muscles in his jawline clenching on and off his knuckles turning ghostly white as he holds in every excuse to lay this guy out with his fists. His face almost beat red.

“Have a good time with someone else not her” Zion excuses the both of you guys away from him and into a quieter location, closing the door behind him Zion let’s out a groan of frustration as his fingers roam through the tangles of his dreads. “What the fuck was that y/n?!” Zion yells but not too aggressive because even though he’s mad at you, you’re still his baby and he’ll never disrespect you.

“What ? I can’t have fun? I mean I’m not your official girl anyways” you slur your truth with hidden sarcasm. You were tipsy and when you’re tipsy the truth comes out. And in the back of your mind you knew once the truth came out things were going to change.

“Y/n what the fuck are you talking about? , of course you are my girl mamas” his tone of voice changes obviously struck by your words, not wanting to look into his eyes with your glassy eyes, you turn your head, not even batting an eye at him, you just couldn’t your heart shattered even thinking of telling him how you felt.

“No I’m not Zion” you choke at your first sentence “I’m your friend, you know the girl who hangs out with you occasionally and comes in your Instagram lives, I’m the girl you say ‘Nah she’s the homie’ I’m not your fucking girl Zion, and it’s been that way for half a goddamn year!” You bark at him, Zion tries to reach for your hands but falls short as you pull them away from his reach “ if you don’t wanna be with me tell me. If you’re embarrassed by me tell me. Fucking give me something I’m tired of being your unofficial girl” you wipe your tears heading straight for the door but Zion blocks it.

“Wait Mamas listen,” his words fall short trying to bite back the tears, his whole world crashing down in front of his eyes “i couldn’t be so fucking proud to have you as my girlfriend, you don’t understand how happy I am to hold you in my arms every fucking day, how proud I am to have you in the studio with me because that’s the only way I can work faster, babygirl you are everything and more I’ve ever needed”

“Zion this secrecy is making me feel like I’m not good enough” your voice cracks filling the room up with icy cold tension. You’re trying so hard to stop crying but you can’t, all the bottled up feelings are just slipping through the cracks. Zion rapidly walks over to you to hold you in his arms. Your brain wants to push him off,but your heart wants to be held until your cries muffled into the music in the background. His slender golden fingers hold the back of your head while the other tightly on your lower back.

“I deserve more Zion, but I don’t wanna pressure you dear, but I’m tired, I’m tired” you speak into his trashed denim jacket. You pull out of his embrace. Walking towards the door, leaving Zion in the room with his thoughts. Passing by nick and Brandon as you wiped your tears, hearing their cries of your names just makes you regret even coming to this party in the first place. The guy you danced with earlier snatches your wrist in a halt just as you were about to grab the door knob, this day just couldn’t get anymore hetic you thought.

“Babygirl.. did he make you cry?” His eyebrows knit up in a bunch, you stumble over the cups placed on the floor snatching your arms at of the young man’s grasp not before you feel an arm around your shoulder engulfing your body into his chest. “Don’t touch her got that? She doesn’t belong to you” he grits his teeth, spitting the poison out on him “oh but she belongs to you?” The guy questions trying to provoke a fight with Zion.

“She doesn’t belong to anyone she’s her own woman, but we are dating and I don’t appreciate anyone treating her less than what she is, so if you want all your bones to be intact and still have teeth to eat with tomorrow I suggest you back the fuck up” your eyes look up at the flushed pinked tint that was painted across his face the slight flinch of his muscles in his jawline.

“Can we leave please?” You plead to him and instantly he grabbed your hand taking you out the party. The ride home was slient. So many things were going on, bottled up emotions were spilled and you just thought to yourself how awkward this would be in the morning. Zion opens the door for you following right after you in the cold house. Taking off your boots you curl up on the bed shaking as the goosebumps multipled on your skin. Zion walks over to you throwing the covers over your body tucking you in like a parent to a kid.

“Can we talk about this?” Zion says breaking the ice, letting out a choked hoarse sigh

“I’m afraid too” you speak barely above a whisper hoping he didn’t catch it.

“Well then listen to me” Zion grabs your legs placing them on his thighs so his fingers hook under your calves “ I’ve never been this deep in love, everytime I get really deep into a relationship something always fucks it up, and I didn’t want anything or anyone to break us up hence why I’ve been hiding us. Specially from the media. It’s a dog eats dog world out there mamas” his fingers tapping on your now timid skin “and I don’t want you to be hurt because of my job, or those whom support and love me, their opinions won’t matter to me I don’t give a shit but I don’t want you hurt babygirl I love your smiles earlier in the morning,” Zion chokes up “ I wanna keep seeing the crinkle in your nose as you curse the sun for being bright, have you re-twisting my dreads, your sudden outbursts of Disney soundtracks”

“I cherish all that shit mamas” Zion finishes like a heavy weight was lifted off his shoulder.

Your eyes begin to soften at how raw Zion is being right now. Zion was never the type to show his cards on the table. Everyone knew this. But seeing him fold like a deck of cards really breaks your heart. “I love our date nights where we just watch movies or play board games, cause it’s just us and no one to interrupt us or tell us how to love each other, but it seems I’ve hurt you more this way instead of the other way I was trying to protect you from. I’m sorry mamas” his Cinderella glass slipper eyes lays upon yours, shattering you into pieces

You never thought how hard it’s been on him to hide all of this or his reasons. You lean over to him placing your head on his chest. Playing with his fingertips. “It’s okay Zion, I understand now, I’m sorry for blowing up on you” his lips pressed on your head while his fingers caressed your waist. Your eyes slowly getting heavier and heavier before you could even hear his response. You dozed off, all the tears and alcohol felt like a melatonin. Zion took this opportunity to sneak a picture of his view to post on Instagram for the world to see. Showing you off was something he always dreamed off and right now seemed like the perfect time. “No mamas I’m sorry, but I’ll show you better than I can say it”

The next morning you woke up to your phone constantly blowing up by notifications, frowning you grab your phone deciding to put it on do not disturb until you see prettymuch fan account names liking and commenting on your posts, taking you on stories, your twitter was blowing up. Opening up Instagram you see Zion has tagged you in a post, smiling at his efforts you like the picture.

130,468 likes

zionkuwonu: I'll never diss you and I'll kiss you on your little pearl.

Maybe the talk needed to happen to move onto bigger things, before you could repost it to your story, The door swings up with Zion smiling bigger than his heart holding a teddy bear in one hand and roses and a self care basket the other. Sitting up against the headboard you accept them feeling the water build up in your eyes. “You’re right mamas, you deserve more” he leans over laying soft pecks against your lips. “And I will always give you more” his lips connect to yours again.

“So face mask night and a movie?” You squeak caressing his jawline

“It’s whatever you want to do babygirl” he mumbles, before taking another picture of you with the gifts.

You were now his official girl.

[punkscowardschampions]

Jude & Ali

Jude: Hey

Jude: can I stay at yours tonight? I need a sec to think

Jude: I don’t know how I’m gonna tell mum & dad or anyone how badly I’ve fucked up

Ali: Of course you can

Ali: but should I expect 🚓/🚑/🚒 to follow closely behind?

Ali: not sure which ranks highest on the bad scale so give me a clue

Jude: it’s not like that, I’d take it over how it is but

Ali: Ah, that kind of fuck up

Ali: You can go to mine now, I’m not in yet but you have your key and god knows how many cats will keep you company whilst you think

Jude: bus ride’s 👍 for it & they’ve probably seen worse

Jude: you can’t really see owt yet to look at me & maybe there won’t be anything to see anyway

Jude: might be it’s a mistake, I did or read it wrong idk

Ali: Oh bus drivers are the masters of seeing and not saying a thing

Ali: Opposite of taxi drivers in that regard, which if you’re after quiet contemplation is welcomed

Ali: If you need a listening ear however

Ali: How many periods have you missed, love?

Jude: 2 but that don't have to mean

Jude: it can mean loads of things & tests can be wrong, right? I only did the one

Ali: False positives are rare but not totally impossible

Ali: You’re not on any medication that could interfere, UTIs, kidney or ovary issues can but again you’d know beforehand

Ali: Chemical and ectopic pregnancies, maybe

Ali: That leaves user error, sometimes when the urine evaporates it leaves a very faint line that can be confused for a positive on a test that shows 2 lines, was that the kind you did? The timing is important but it’s more likely you’d get no result or negative, as you know

Jude: NOT comforting rn nan!

Ali: No, probably not

Ali: I don’t think that kind of lie is comforting for very long if at all either but we can sit in it whilst it is

Jude: it's already not when I know you're right & that means so's this test

Ali: I’m sorry about that

Ali: what would be comforting right now then?

Jude: just tell me what to do

Ali: In the long run or in telling your mum and dad?

Jude: obviously you can't tell me what to do in the long run

Jude: I can't even think that far ahead when this doesn't feel real

Ali: it’s too big for you to get in, what, an hour, less

Ali: it won’t feel real for a while yet, that’s alright

Ali: You can keep this to yourself for as long as you need, I won’t tell anyone, or bring it up again if you don’t want to talk about it after this

Ali: There’s no way telling won’t be scary, and really hard

Ali: but it shows that you care, about them and what they think, the fact you are scared

Ali: and you know they love you

Ali: even if it’s as disorientating for them as it is for you right now, or even a fraction of that, they will come around to supporting you and being there for you

Jude: I can't avoid mum forever & I'd have to for her not to work it out

Jude: she's always sussed any secret I've tried to keep

Jude: it's scary that this happened to me when I'm so careful

Jude: Toby takes the piss about how paranoid I am

Jude: God, how am I gonna tell him?

Ali: It’s unfair

Ali: and rarely talked about how not foolproof contraceptive is, whatever the method

Ali: That’s at least easier, he knows what you’ve been up to

Ali: though I’m sure he’ll feel as baffled and duped as you do

Jude: we're not like Jac & Sav, he's gonna hate me for this

Ali: It’s a very new relationship

Ali: but if he doesn’t want to be with you, do you think he’ll at least support you, in whatever you choose?

Jude: Yeah

Jude: but he can't support me that much, I need mum & dad

Ali: Of course you do

Ali: and you can tell them, whenever you’re ready

Ali: there’s no words but the facts, that’s all you can say

Jude: idk how I'll get my head round this

Jude: I'm not ever gonna be ready to tell them I ruined everything like this

Jude: it's exactly what I said to Jac I wouldn't let happen

Ali: You can’t control these things to that degree

Ali: it was an accident, right?

Ali: nothing needs to be ruined, everything is salvageable

Jude: that's not gonna calm anyone down though

Ali: No

Ali: do you want the truth on how likely a calm response will be?

Ali: their immediate response, anyway, that’s hard

Jude: maybe I'll just get rid of the baby without telling them, Toby won't say anything & you could go with me

Ali: We could do that

Jude: I'll 🗨️ to him but then

Ali: Good idea, once you’ve done that, get back to me

Jude: Don’t worry, I know all about the different types & when they do it, I won’t leave it too long before I speak to him

Ali: Good stuff

Ali: The pills are considered preferable, I’ve been told

Jude: I wanna do it in person but even if I talk myself out of seeing him a few times before I go ahead with it we’ll still have time to get them & do it at yours

Ali: Of course, as long as you’re aware of how long you have, then you can take the time you do have to do it as well as you can, with the minimum amount of stress instead of the absolute max that comes with the blind panic

Jude: Thanks nan

Ali: No need to thank me

Jude: there is, for not having a go like everyone else would’ve if I’d told them

Ali: It seems you already feel bad enough

Ali: and it’s not my place to judge, not to mention I can’t see it would do any good, or not as much good as, hopefully,

helping you will

Jude: I’m not sure if I feel enough of anything but I just found out, I guess

Ali: Shock’s pretty standard, it’ll come

Jude: when?

Ali: that isn’t on the clock

Ali: the more you think on it

Jude: rude, I’d like to still be in shock when I have to talk about this again, if I had any say, like

Ali: good luck 😏

Jude: no stretch to say I've got 0 rn

Ali: You’ll be okay

Jude: will I?

Ali: Yes

Ali: I promise

Ali: Whatever you do and whatever happens, you’ll get through it

Jude: is crying on a bus stage 1 of getting through it or am I fucking this up already?

Ali: If you aren’t crying on a bus at least once in your life you aren’t really living

Ali: but seriously, that’s very much the normal response

Jude: good timing to have really lived before my life's over

Ali: Your life isn’t over

Jude: it might as well be cos it's not gonna go back to normal

Jude: whatever I do

Ali: you feel like that now, you won’t always

Jude: idk nan, that sounds super fake

Ali: I obviously did it one way, but I know people who did it the other

Ali: we’re all alright, pretty much

Jude: okay I'll choose to believe you're not just saying it to make me feel better

Ali: Obviously I would, that’s my job

Ali: but I also mean it so do believe me

Ali: is there anything you need that you won’t be able to find at mine?

Jude: what like the bravery to 🗨️ to my boyfriend & parents or?

Ali: I’m sure I’ve got some alcohol lying about

Ali: but not my recommendation so 🤫 on that or your mum will be really mad at me

Jude: I can't drink

Jude: that's literally the 1st thing they tell you not to

after 🚭

Ali: I was kidding, sweetheart

Ali: poorly timed, perhaps

Jude: YOU might be but I'm not NOT considering it as a 💡

Jude: I'm in the worst trouble so

Ali: you wouldn’t be the first

Jude: I don't mean that it's just

Jude: Toby's got the 1 track mind, why isn't he crying on a bus & having to break the news to me?

Jude: I don't wanna have to do this

Ali: You can’t worry about ruining his peace

Ali: of course you don’t wanna have to do this, but you still

have to, you got into it together, the minimal is getting out of it together too

Jude: I know

Ali: If he’s worth his salt, he’ll give you that and not too much grief, you can share in it

Jude: He is

Ali: Glad to hear it 😌

Jude: can I bring him over when I wanna do it? I don't know where else we'd hang out that I can even hear myself speak

Ali: Yeah, ‘course

Ali: I can make myself as scarce or present as you need/want

Ali: it might be… not nice but what you want, to just be you two, once you’ve got to grips of how it will feel and what will happen, which we can work out beforehand

Jude: you're not gonna be there?

Ali: It’s up to you

Ali: I just need you to tell your parents first if you can

Ali: I don’t think it’d be great for me to go behind their back, as it were

Ali: If you really can’t, I could talk to them for you, but it’ll be best coming from you

Jude: you're right, it's my mess

Jude: I'll do it

Ali: I’ll be on the phone if you need backup

Ali: again, I won’t just turn up with you straight away, but you know I will come if you need if it’s not going well

Jude: it's not gonna go well, but I can't blame them, it's not great news

Ali: yeah

Ali: but you know, worse than you can handle

Jude: Yeah

Ali: you’re doing great so far

Jude: very funny

Ali: I can do better than that if I’m trying, come on

Ali: you are, there’s no better you can do really, given the situation

Jude: I've not done anything but a test & that didn't even go the way I wanted

Jude: nobody is gonna give me a 🏆

Ali: no

Ali: but you can give yourself the 🤏 bit of a break, there’s not anything you can do on that bus right now, so take that time

Jude: but what I said about wanting a sec to think was total bollocks, I don’t, what’s gonna happen next is too scary to think about

Ali: it’s just because it’s unknown, it’ll be a lot less scary when you understand what’s going to happen

Jude: I can’t do it

Jude: it shouldn’t be me making this massive decision

Ali: you can, and you will

Jude: you’ve forgotten how long it took me to pick between school subjects & I’m only really bothered about one of them

Ali: I didn’t say it’d be easy

Ali: you’ll either do it or the 🕑 will decide for you

Jude: how long did it take you?

Ali: Honestly?

Ali: I just did it, I can’t say I gave it much thought

Ali: I just knew

Ali: but I didn’t think about anyone else, honestly, and I’m not going to say that’s right

Jude: I can’t stop thinking about mum & dad

Ali: That’s a good thing

Jude: but then how am I gonna know I’m doing what I want instead of just what I know they want?

Ali: Those two things might look or be the same, if they’re that intertwined

Ali: but when it comes down to it, if you don’t want to do something, you won’t be able to do it

Ali: no one is forcing you, that’s the important thing, even if your parents and other people have ideas, no one will be insisting you do anything, so what you do, will be something you can live with

Jude: you’ve made it sound way simpler than it is but okay

Ali: I don’t fancy making things sound or feel any more complicated for you

Ali: it’s a big decision, one of the biggest, I know

Jude: he’ll help me make it though, like you said & then I’ll talk to mum & dad

Jude: it’s a plan

Ali: It is

Jude: what do you reckon I should do?

Ali: I can’t tell you what to do, what would be best for you, only you can work that out

Jude: yeah but you must have an opinion still

Ali: I don’t think it’s helpful to give it though

Jude: I care what you think, it’s obviously gonna be helpful to hear

Jude: especially cos you have experience of this exact thing

Ali: It’s just, I’m trying to say whatever anyone thinks won’t matter, truly, when it comes down to it

Ali: so all it’d do would be placing expectation or needless guilt

Ali: you’ll do what you have to do and I’ll be there regardless, and I’m happy about that, whatever you end up doing, okay

Ali: that’s all that matters

Jude: okay, okay, don’t tell me

Jude: I love you too

[adverb-slut]

Simeon’s Café (Fanfiction) Part 1/10

Uhhh just another Coffeeshop AU/Human AU in the wake of ObeyMAX.  Here is the link to the work on AO3. 

Title:

Simeon’s Café

Summary:

Simeon's café, Apocrypha, is heralded as one of the best in Devil's Point, and not just because of the amazing coffee and confections served there. The coffeeshop owner may as well be an angel descended from heaven based on the way he's expertly able to soothe and nurture his patrons, offering them friendly advice as he takes upon the role as their most trusted confidante.

Rating:

PG

Word Count:

1397

-

5:45 AM

Simeon did not want to admit how many tries it took for him to download the Yelp app on his phone (hint: it was seven).  He also refused to divulge how difficult it was for him to navigate the app and find the search bar (it may or may not have taken him twelve minutes).  And there was no way he was going to admit to the sheer volume of spelling errors he committed when trying to type “Apocrypha” in it (there were only nine letters in “Apocrypha” and he managed to skip or replace eight of them).

However, he was most definitely willing to disclose the fact that once he scrolled down to read the reviews, he was filled with the most humbling sense of elation.

“ ★★★★★ 

I go in there hungry, but always come out full, even if all I’ve ordered is a scone.”

“★★★★★

Apocrypha has only been open here in Devil’s Point for a month now, but I feel like I’ve been enjoying the warm baked goods, amazing coffee, and amiable conversation there for years.”

“★★★★★

Best café in Devil’s Point by far”

“★★★★★

dunno where i’d be rn w.o simeon. he’s the man when it comes to talking thru stuff.  Also he serves mad good tea here;”

“★★★★★

I heard the owner was from Celestial Hills and expected a pompous, overblown, religious zealot.  It turns out Simeon is down-to-Earth as it gets and can bake any kind of confection with expertise. I highly recommend trying the Blueberry Buckle on days it’s served.”

Something warm filled his heart as he thumbed through the rest of the comments.  The reception to his café here in Devil’s Point had been even better than he had hoped, and he sent a silent prayer of thanks to heaven for his success.  

He glanced at the clock—it was fifteen minutes until six.  

Almost opening time.

He heard a beep from the oven and hurried over to check his special for the day, piping hot blueberry bagels.  The sizzling tray was carefully placed on the counter next to a pan of the beloved baked good that was served every day—cinnamon and plain scones.

Simeon breathed in the smell of flour and fruit as he turned behind him to check the coffee machine, as well as the boiling pot of water on the stove.  When he saw that both were nowhere close to ready, he stepped out from behind the counter and meandered into the main dining space of the café.

Apocrypha was decorated simply, with small, round tables and overstuffed chairs, where he now adjusted the various pillows that adorned them.  Warm colors and accents filled the café, giving it a homey feel that made customers feel cozy, especially on rainy days.  He couldn’t help the odd Bible verse that decorated some of the surfaces—although he made sure the wording was as neutral but encouraging as possible, so no one would feel uncomfortable.

He walked toward the front windows of the café and flipped over the small chalkboard that hung on the rail.  On it read “Special of the Day: Honey Muffins with Unsweetened Whipped Cream — $1.50 apiece,” which had been yesterday’s special.  He dug out from his apron pocket a quarter piece of chalk and scribbled (his scribblings strangely looked like the most heavenly of calligraphy) “Blueberry Bagels — $1.00 apiece / Ask for strawberry or regular cream cheese (free),” before walking back and stationing himself once again behind the counter.

Again, Simeon glanced at the clock, surprised that only five minutes had passed.

Ten minutes left.

Before he could busy himself with another task, he noticed someone bobbing up toward the front door.

As the patron began knocking politely, Simeon’s eyebrows shot up.  Was his clock slow?  Was it already opening time?  He couldn’t imagine someone in such a great need of coffee and confections that they’d try to enter his café early.  

He hurried toward the door and opened it, before smiling gently.  He had been told many times that his beam had an immensely soothing effect on whoever had been gifted with its presence.  “Hello, I’m sorry, but Apocrypha isn’t open yet.  If you would be so kind as to wait ten m—oh!  It’s you, Luke.”

The young child, a white cap covering his blond hair, nodded vigorously, and pointed to the massive SUV behind him, which Simeon instantly recognized as Pastor Mike’s car.  

Pastor Mike was one of the youth pastors at Simeon’s church back in Celestial Hills.  He had adopted Luke several years ago when both of the then-four-year-old’s parents had died in an automobile accident.

“Sorry to bother you, Simeon!  We’re here for the donuts!” chirped Luke.

Simeon nodded.  He had forgotten that last Sunday he had promised that Pastor Mike could come in before opening hours to grab a box of a dozen donuts for one of his many trips to the homeless shelters in downtown Devil’s Point.  “Come on in, Luke.”  He walked behind the counter toward the fridge, where fifteen homemade donuts were carefully arranged on a tray and covered in plastic wrap.  

As he put on his gloves and began to place the donuts in a white to-go box, he looked up and beamed at Luke.  “Is Pastor Mike driving you to school?”

“Yes!  We decided to pick up our donuts on the way there!” said Luke.

“I see.  And you go to hm, Celestial Hills Public Elementary, then?”

“Actually, I go to Trinity Private Academy.  It’s a Christian school and close enough to the Devil’s Point border that Pastor Mike can drop me off easily after we pick up the donuts.”

Simeon bit his lips.  He knew Luke quite well from church—had even been a substitute teacher for his Sunday School class five or six times—and knew that the child was very zealous about his faith, even in a community as religious as Celestial Hills.  Was it really wise to send such a child to a school of faith?  He knew it wasn’t his place to say anything, but he wagered that it would do far more for Luke to send him to a public school, where he could drench himself in the opinion of other students and not become so wrapped up in his own worldview.

As he placed the last donut in the box, he couldn’t help but ask,  “And how do you like Trinity Private?”

Luke blushed and his voice took on an indignant tone.  “I—I love it, of course!  It—it’s not like sometimes I feel like my head could explode from learning and reciting so many memory verses or anything!”

Simeon couldn’t help but pity the schoolboy, for it felt as if there was something he wasn’t saying.  He knew better than to ask any more questions but to ease Luke’s burdens, he offered, “Back home in India, my church hosted many Bible Verse Recitation Competitions.  I never won any, but I did manage to learn and quote over six hundred verses.  Next Sunday at church I’ll teach you some of my secrets.”

“Would you really?” Luke gasped, his eyes lighting up.

“Of course!”  He winked as he closed the box of donuts and gingerly handed them to Luke.  “I know how Michael—er, Pastor Mike has a sweet tooth, so I purposely put a few extra donuts in there for you two to share.”

Luke took the box with a beam.  “Thanks so much, Simeon!”

Simeon wiped tiny daubs of donut icing off his gloves and onto his apron.  “Anytime!” 

He watched from inside the café as Luke loaded himself into Pastor Mike’s enormous SUV (which, he knew was to ferry kids to and from church and other events when their parents were unable to) and the pair rode off.

He sighed as he turned his eyes toward the clock yet again, pleasantly surprised when saw that it finally now was six o’clock.  

Simeon went to go flip over the sign that read “CLOSED” to the side that said “OPEN,” before rushing to situate himself behind the counter and stir in the coffee powder and tea leaves into their respective containers. 

The door swung open exactly at 6:01 AM, and he didn’t even have to turn around to see who it was.

The overworked, early-graying, and rather proud Mayor’s Assistant was always his first customer.

[deadassgallagher]

What did I do wrong? - Chandler Riggs

Okay so this wasn’t asked for. But I’m hecka bored and I have nothing better to do with my life. This is gonna be a little cute.. imagine I guess? Let me know if this is actually something yall wanna see more of :) Ps. Please keep in mind I’m doing this on my phone and not on a computer, and there’s probs gonna be some spelling/grammar errors. * summary * You work on the set of TWD, playing the role of “Olive”, young girl who was found on her own and quickly become friends with Carl. After a unexpected scene, tension grows. While on set, and off (within the fandom) a ship name is made. But for some reason Chandler doesn’t seem to fond of it. ———- “Carl, please. You can’t go out there. Do you have a death wish?” I grab onto his wrist holding him from moving forward. He takes a breath and looks back at me. “I’m sorry. I have to.” He turns again and starts to walk away. My eyes start to water. “Wait!” I blurt out. What am I doing. Chandler turns to me confused. That wasn’t part of my scrip.We both know that.But nothing happens. He keeps his act up and stares at me. I run up to him and take my hands, holding his face. His face goes stiff as he keeps his eyes on me. Why am I doing this? Why is no one stopping me? Why hasn’t anyone yelled cut??? “Please don’t die.” I say. In that moment, without realizing it. I kiss him. He’s taken aback and pulls away after the kiss. “I won’t.” He says finally walking away. The cameras stop, the lights turn off and the entire room is silent. “Wow. That was… wow.” The director walks over clapping. “Just so you know, we’re keeping that in. Was priceless.” He says patting my shoulder. (2 WEEKS LATER) It’s been 2 weeks since I pulled off that kiss in set. Chandler won’t talk to me unless we’re recording, which I don’t understand. What did I do? I get that what I did was unexpected and uncalled for. But there’s no reason to just completely stop talking to me. The ship name “Carlive” took way not to long ago, practically leaving Chandler speechless. “Just go up to talk to him. He must have a valid reason. Ask him.” I was talking to Melissa. She’s always been my on set mom. “Alright. I just really miss him, his smile… laugh. The way he would look me in the eyes every time we would talk.. now he just acts like I’m invisible. Like nothing.” “Sounds like you’ve fallen Y/N” I sigh knowing she’s right. “Yea..” She smiles taking me in for a hug. “I think I saw him over by makeup” she says pulling away. Standing, I wipe off my pants and make my way to Chandler. I spot him sitting on one of the lounge chairs scrolling through his phone. Taking a deep breath I walk up to him. “Chandler.” Nothing. “Chandler?” Not a word. “Chandler. Come on.” Zip zap, bipiddy bap, would look at that. nothing. I sigh and take a seat in front of him. “You know what? I’m really sick your shit. I don’t know why you won’t talk to me, I don’t know what happened between us. You’re treating me like complete shit and I’m really not enjoing it.” I look at him still scrolling through his phone and that’s when I’ve had it. I take his phone out of his hands and shove it in my pocket. He groans and finally for the first time in 2 weeks, looks at me. “Can’t you explain. I just don’t understand Chandler. After what happened you’ve completely shut me out. What did I do!?” He quickly stands looking me dead in the eyes. “You wanna know what you did to me? You wanna know why I don’t talk or even look at you anymore unless I have to? You wanna know why I hate that fucking ship name so much!?” He’s suddenly got me pinned up against the wall his lips by my neck. My breath cuts short and I freeze. “Because you made me love you.” My eyes widen and I feel his lips ever so lightly touch my neck. “You made me love your eyes” kiss. “Your laugh” kiss. “Your lips” He looks me in the eyes placing his forehead on mine, then slowly kisses my lips. “You made me love all of you and the worst part is I’ll never get you… that’s why.” He pulls away and walks back to the rest of the cast. I let out a sigh and slowly slide down to the ground. “What the hell just happened?” —– OKAY SO YEA. idfk if that was any good. Probs not. IN WHICH CASE U SHOULD GO READ @strugglingfairy s STuFf cuz iTs acTuALlY sO gooD. Oh and this whole like… “What did I do wrong” type thing may or may not be very relevant to me rn cUz GUYS ARE CONFUSIBG YEA? anywhooo let me know if you want a part 2 or something? Idk. Kk love u bYe.

[janovec]

putting this below the line bc it’s so long lmao

tagged by @ruinsrebuilt​ who is the sweetest sweet and we are also happily married if you don’t follow ash i pity you

i’m tagging @freyja-sonaan @buckcompton @bullrandleman @webgottrash @georgeluz @dustyjumpwingz @johnhalls

sorry to everyone who was already tagged!!!!!

LAST

1) Drink: water you know i stay #hydrated

2) Phone Call: my mom

3) Text Message: answers to statistics homework lmao

4) Song Listened To: chariot - gavin degraw

5) Time I Cried: sometime this week in my sleep i think ://

HAVE YOU EVER

6) Dated Somebody Twice: nah

7) Been Cheated On: no

8) Been Kissed By Someone And Regretted It: eh kind of

9) Lost Someone Special: i’ve lost my grandfather but we were never especially close so it was hard but for kind of different reasons

10) Been Depressed: :(

11) Gotten Drunk And Puked: oye yes multiple times

THREE FAVORITE COLORS

12) burnt orange

13) indigo

14) grey

IN THE LAST YEAR

15) Made New Friends: yeah

16) Fallen Out Of Love: no

17) Laughed Until You Cried: yes but a lot of those times i was laughing because i was so fucking confused about something so they were also somewhat tears of confusion

18) Found Out Someone Was Gossiping About You: no but i’ve definitely been worried about it

19) Met Someone Who Changed Your Life: i think everyone you meet changes your life in some way, but yes i think i have

20) Found Out Who Your True Friends Are: pretty much yeah. being away from most of my high school friends for a year showed me who really matters and also helped me figure out who i’ve met at college is actually a good friend

21) Kissed Someone On Your Facebook List: not with in the last year  came back to edit this because i realized i did kiss my second ASM for sister act but it was just a peck bc we are friends lmao

HOW MANY/MUCH

22) Facebook Friends: 1,059 sorry i’m trash??

23) Pets: none :((( my parents don’t like pets and i can’t have a pet at school

24) Want To Change Your Name: i don’t like my name a ton but it is a part of what’s made me who i am, because of how i’ve been perceived and also just little things like always growing up w/ people misspelling it and stuff so i don’t think i would ever change it, though i do try to ask people to use my nickname when i can

WHAT

25) Did I Get For My Birthday: my birthday is tomorrow so we’ll find out!!! i did order myself a stage management clipboard that is supposed to come in tomorrow though so that is kind of like my gift to myself lmao

26) Time I Woke Up: i set an alarm every 15 minutes starting at 7 so i could get up for my class at 8:30 this morning but i just turned them all off and decided to sleep through my class and instead got up at 9:30 for my spanish class instead ://

27) Were You Doing At Midnight: working on statistics hw, having a minor breakdown in my res hall’s cafe lmao

28) Can’t You Wait For: sister act!!!, classes to end, transferring to the music school (fingers crossed)

29) Was The Last Time You Saw Your Mom: like 2 weeks ago

30) Was Something You Wish You Could Change About Your Life: I wish I had an easily attainable career goal

31) Are You Listening To Right Now: my “songs i heard and liked” spotify playlist

32) Gets On Your Nerves: people sharing articles they wrote on the odyssey on facebook when they are just... Bad like i’m all for people writing what they want and sharing their opinions but i read these articles and i’m like.......you have so many grammar errors and did no research why do u do this

33) Talked To A Person Named Tom: like in my life i think i have idk the most recent time i have though haha

34) Is Your Most Visited Website: probably facebook and tumblr

35) Elementary School: washington??

36) High School: whs 

37) College: university of michigan

38) Hair Color: like a reddish light brown???

39) Long/Short Hair: short, a bit above shoulder length

40) Crush: eion bailey and kate mckinnon

41) Do You Like About Yourself: my passion and dedicatoin

42) Piercings: 3 in each ear

43) Blood Type: AB

44) Nickname: aj, alafral, zelski, big mama, baby hands

45) Relationship Status: single yall hmu

46) Zodiac: pisces!!!!!!!!!!!

47) Pronouns: she/her/hers

48) Favorite Show: band of brothers has been for years and always will be lmao. but i also love orange is the new black, but that’s not even near the same level as BoB

49) Tattoos: none yet!! i have lots of plans but i want to do the disney college program and you can’t have any visible ones so the only one i may get before my junior year when i plan to do that is on my ribs i plan to get my zodiac sign and my best friend and gonna get hers too

50) Left/Right Handed: right

FIRST

51) Surgery: none!! i’ve had lots of scares though and i’ve gonna lots of stitches before and stuff lmao

52) Piercing: traditional ear piercing

53) Best Friend: anna

54) Sport: soccer and dance

55) Vacation: holy shit no clue?? maybe the bahamas?

56) Pair Of Shoes: also don’t know but i remember having like red ruby slippers i loved

RIGHT NOW

57) Eating: nothing (i probably should tho damn)

58) Drinking: water

59) I Am About To: watch my statistics lecture that i missed 

60) Listening To: ultralight beam by kanye west

61) Waiting For: sam to pick me up for rehearsal

62) Want To See: sleep no more on bway!!

63) Want To Get Married: if i ever find someone :/// but yeah one day

64) Career: i don’t have one rn, hope to have some kind of career in theatre production because i’m planning to get a bachelor in theatre arts but fuck i have no fucking clue yall im jus out here like always

WHICH IS BETTER

65) Hugs/Kisses: honestly i was gonna say hugs but probably kisses, hugs from close friends always top everything but when it’s a hug from someone else i feel far too uncomfortable and kissing is fun lmao

66) Lips/Eyes: eyes

67) Taller/Shorter: i am short so i love anyone taller than me

68) Younger/Older: i feel like i usually like being around people older than me?? but i don’t think one is better

69) Romantic/Spontaneous: i’m a hopeless romantic but definitely spontaneity

70) Nice Arms/Nice Stomach: hm idk i don’t really pay much attention to either?? 

71) Sensitive/Loud: i’m like..both and everyone i like to hang out with are both i don’t think one is better than the other

72) Hookup/Relationship: relationships, i’m okay with like making out with random people but that’s about as far as i’ll go you know

73) Troublemaker/Hesitant: i feel like i lean more towards troublemakers but not necessarily recklesness

HAVE YOU EVER

74) Kissed A Stranger: yea oops

75) Drank Hard Liquor: .....also yes

76) Lost Glasses/Contact Lenses: don’t need them!!

77) Turned Someone Down: yeah 

78) Canoodling On A First Date: nah

79) Broken Someone’s Heart: ...if i have i didn’t know

80) Had Your Own Heart Broken: somewhat

81) Been Arrested: nope

82) Cried When Someone Died: no

83) Fallen For A Friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

84) Yourself: rarely

85) Miracles: generally no

86) Santa Claus: oye

87) Kisses On A First Date: no

88) Angels: i believe in something like them i think

89) Love At First Sight: not really

OTHER

90) Best Friend’s Name: abbie her url is nebulaempresse but i’m not gonna tag her in this bc she’ll make fun of me lmao

91) Eye Color: hazel/light brown w/ some greenish which i think is p much hazel

92) Favorite Movie: forrest gump!!!!!

[minigoblinnn]

Hello! Long Time No See

Hello everyone idk how many people will see this because I don’t have a lot of followers but that’s okay. HI! I haven’t used this account in almost three years I think. I’m pretty sure the last time I used this was possibly my freshman year of high school and I am now going to be a senior in September. So the world has kind of gone to shit recently but I had some soul searching while stuck in my house for over 3 months and realized that I needed to try to find what makes me happy. So bc we have all the time in the world rn bc 1. quarantine and 2. school is over, I thought I would try to revisit things that I used to love from freshman year and before. Yes I am 17 and I am no longer a hardcore stan like I was in middle school but it’s been a little refreshing trying to find myself again. If you’ve made it this far on this post thank you so much! This is more of a revamp of myself bc I realized over quarantine that I haven’t been truly happy in almost 3 years so whoops. 

Anyways this is gonna be sort of like a long rant but if you end up reading to the end I really appreciate it I hope I don’t bore you!

1. A major thing I had to come to terms with during quarantine was that I am indeed depressed. For the past 3 years I have been shoving down my inner struggles really deep within myself and never officially addressed it. As I’m sure many others who struggle with mental health have had to deal with the same difficulties of being stuck at home, it was a very shitty experience that I had to endure. I think a lot that attributed to it was the pressure of school and the rapid change of being in school one day to having a complete flip was also a major adjustment. As someone who has major control issues and hates very big change all at once this was very overwhelming for me as I’m sure it was for many of you. With this, I also realized I never prioritized myself before quarantine. I never talked about my struggles with friends and I was very irritable around late April/early May when it came to a specific friend. I previously had a major breakdown in school bc I was super anxious over losing this friendship back in February so that was also affecting my mental health extremely. Since my birthday in May, I have since slowly learned to prioritize myself and to face my struggles instead of avoiding the problem like I usually do. I now have a therapist that I talk to weekly over the phone and also with school ending it has released a lot of pressure that I had on me before. I still haven’t really discussed it all yet but I am the type that doesn’t like talking about me in that way or discussing myself in a vulnerable way but I hope I will slowly learn to improve on that. School wise, let’s just say the 4th marking period was an extremely ugly one. My sleep is something that is on and off. I am constantly exhausted but I cannot sleep so I’m trying different methods to try to fix my sleep but that is a uphill battle. I am currently writing this at 4:39 am so if that gives you any indication there you go.

2. Since there hasn’t been anything else to do and I don’t have my license yet, I have been getting back into things I used to enjoy freshman year and prior as I stated above. On my journey of trying to find any ounce of happiness again, I have been re-watching and revisiting things I used to “fangirl” over such as tv shows, youtubers, etc. 

Shows I have re-visitied include: The Vampire Diaries, Teen Wolf, Reign, Avatar: The Last Airbender, I finally watched Shadowhunters all the way through and not just the first season

Youtubers: Maddi Bragg (she recently rejoined youtube so...), I also have re-watched Dan and Phil Games, specifically the sims series bc I used to love it. 

And bc I re-watched Shadowhunters I re-watched the Mortal Instruments: City Of Bones movie that is on Netflix and before I get bashed I used to love that movie bc I personally think it is more of what I envisioned of what the books come to life would look like minus the ending...I also really like Jamie Campbell Bower and Lily Collins so personal bias but Malec on the tv show are immaculate. Controversial topic I know. And just earlier last night ig I finished reading City of Bones and I’m gonna re-read the entire TMI series and re-read/finish TID series. 

3. Along with revisiting things I have sort of slowly reinvented myself ig. I cut my hair right after my birthday so before it was about right past my chest and I cut it to roughly above my shoulders and I re-dyed my hair black bc I cannot be a ginger. My music taste has also slightly put more alt music and indie groups. Everyday I find new bands such as Meet me @ the altar, 100 gecs, and I recently got into $uicideBoy$...but honestly I get good music recommendations from tiktok so ofc. Also with the current climate in the US I have been a lot more outspoken when it comes to politics and my activism. I have a pretty conservative republican father who listens to fox news for however long I can remember. And after the 2016 election, I never really tried to argue/debate my father about Trump and everything but I also was not super informed in politics. But now I am absolutely never silence. I have gotten in plenty of arguments mostly with my mother about my activism. I have also gotten into painting political statement paintings after I painted my BLM protests signs. I have put these paintings around my room but my mom does not like them but I don’t care. So I am definitely wayyyyy more vocal when it comes to social issues and politics and I am not afraid to back down. I think before I didn’t speak up bc I didn’t want to argue with my father bc he would shut me down immediately when I tried to say anything against trump. But now I don’t care. Bc everything he stands for goes against me and my existence so I will not be silent as much as my parents want to. They don’t understand that I have always had these opinions, I just never expressed them as much until now bc I didn’t know how to properly express it. That I am super proud of.

4. Another thing I sort of realized ig was that I can now fully say I am definitely pansexual. Bro even typing that is like wow. Okay okay back story. So freshman year I told my two best friends at the time that I believed I was pan bc I’ve always thought that but I was never comfortable enough to say I was apart of the lgbtq+ community bc idk I just don’t feel like I have a right to? Bc after freshman year I slowly moved to other best friends and with them and my family I have always referenced to only being interested in men and ig I instilled this norm that I could only talk about liking men in front of them and my friends so I never felt comfortable addressing it. I still always had that thought in my head and especially in recent months I have been turned off from guys in general besides maybe 4, all who are actors or Kurtis Conner lowkey. So I’m not really looking to date anytime soon so it doesn’t really matter but I just don’t see me dating a guy. I think about it for about 2 seconds and then I snap back to reality. But yeah I made a pan flag painting and put it in my room and my parents have no idea what it is so they won’t even question me. But I don’t feel comfortable addressing it to my friends or my family, oh definitely not. I’ve put it on my second tiktok account but I don’t let my best friends ig see it so yeah i will probably never tell them until college. I’m sure most of them won’t care but again, I never really addressed personal things about myself with them unless it’s like my depression where I couldn’t hide it anymore but anyways that’s just how I am.

So things I’ve learned since being stuck at home for 3 months: I’m depressed, I’m pan, I’m a leftist/left-leaning, and I will no longer just say I will beat someone up but I will actually do it not that I haven’t already but that’s not important. But anyways, idk how often I will use this but this is an update. I might delete some old posts based on me now and everything but yeah I will hopefully use this to update on the things I revisit! Hope everyone is doing mostly well! If you read all of this thank you thank you thank you! Sending virtual hugs and kisses!

sorry for any errors, I recently put on these long acrylics and I’m using my laptop and I haven’t had long nails in a while so bear with me :)

[survivordivergent]

EPISODE 4 - “I WANT TO REACH MY GOATENTIAL” - GEO

Welcome to Survivor Divergent, where's it's 14 inactive people and 6 people actually playing

I'm pretty damn busy today grading final assignments, and I'm pretty sure my frustration yesterday was enough to paint a target on me going forward, but I don't much care. This tribe's work ethic is for shit. I don't belong here. I can't just sit back and not do things. Ed can't, either, because it's such a deep-seated belief of mine that it permeates through him too. Not submitting things is just not my speed.

What pisses me off more than anything is that so far, I've been the only one to put in any concrete work. Percy got the theme based on a writing prompt. Payton's been offering suggestions. Dani's offered to do both the poster and the write-up. Meanwhile, I did the poster (deliberately at a level below what I know I can do, because I've been saying all along that I'm not good with Photoshop.) I did the write-up. Last time I felt so alone in one of these creative challenges, my tribe lost and I was the one sent packing at the next tribal council.

It's bullshit. I hate it I hate it I hate it. And while I love the people on this tribe based on our limited interactions, Peter can fuck off back to the inactivity pool from whence he came. Lucy can find a clue while she's busy finding a last name. And Geo... man, Geo is the biggest disappointment of all, only because we've SEEN what he can do. And it's like he's choosing not to do it. I get that we all have lives and that we're all super busy. I'm running myself so ragged that I'm going to hibernate clear through the holidays.

But that's the key difference: you make time if it matters to you. And if this game doesn't matter to anyone else, why should it matter to me? More importantly, if I get to jury, where's my motivation to vote for any of these people who couldn't — or wouldn't — step up when they're needed?

This is frustrating. I miss Megara Tribe. I miss Bondoso Tribe. I even miss Drohend Tribe. I like tribes that work hard, like each other and trust each other as a result. And this tribe fits maybe one of those three criteria. It sucks.

Six: The amount of posts in our tribe chat per day. God damn.

I'm pretty sure the hosts hate six. Like.

On 12/18/16, at 12:09 AM, Payton Rodriguez wrote: > also, y’all are rigging this against the 90% inactive tribe

On 12/18/16, at 12:10 AM, Payton Rodriguez wrote: > its not mine and ed’s fault that the rest of them are flops like if we went offline for three days the world would fall apart and you know it

no, i dont think they're actively rigging. i think my tribemates are sabatoging and we're not gonna have fucking numbers going into merge. sluts.

Okay so it's been a while, let's see if I can catch up. Last time I made a confessional I was stuck on trying to find the Erudite idol. I was so frustrated, and then we lost reward. I didn't want there to be a chance that someone from Six would find the idol, since the clues stack, so I panicked and asked Melissa for help. She figured it out in 2 seconds bc stupid me doesn't know the alphabet or how to count. Ugh. So we work through the next few pages, and then we get stuck again. But after looking at it for a few minutes, I realized I needed to use the keypad on a telephone to get the next word, and I figured it out. To show some good faith, I tell Melissa right away, but the next page.... whew. I looked at that page for a good half hour and couldn't figure it out. Then I'm reading what's on the page and it looks like song lyrics? So I decided to google them. I copy and paste it into google, and i noticed in the search bar are words I did not see before. So I go back to the page and highlight everything. Sneaky Jenna hid the link to the next blog in white lettering on the page. Very clever. So I go to the next blog, and I need another password. Crap. Well, I'm hoping that whoever is looking for this idol on the Six tribe gets stuck at the password too, so they wont be ahead of me. I decide to not tell Melissa that I figured it out. I want to see if she comes to me with that information. And she does, the next day. So I know I can actually trust Melissa. Like, I know I'm in an alliance with her, but I wanted to like, test her trust? I guess? So there's where we are on the idol journey...

I've been talking to Jill bc, you know, former Candor, and she brings up starting an alliance with Kyle. Me, already being in an alliance with Kyle, am completely down for this. Jill's plan is to have a former Candor/Amity alliance with me, Kyle, and Will, and bring in Melissa as a 5th so we have majority. Kyle and I, already being in an alliance with Melissa, are completely down for this. We decide to tell Melissa about this alliance, because we want Ugly Fruti to be our core, our majority within the majority, if that makes sense. Melissa seems fine with it.

So then we wind up winning the Battleship Immunity, and I am really enjoying not going to Tribal. If we can keep it this way until merge, that would be fantastic. Things have been really quiet around the tribe lately. I haven't been on much because of things irl, but I'm going to try and be around more. I dont want to be first boot from this tribe for inactivity, even though there are people who are way less active than me. I'm just hoping our movie poster is enough to win reward so we can continue on that Erudite clue...

Every single day, I feel myself slowly becoming someone that I am not. And honestly, I kind of like that.

I think Payton is pretty set on getting to know who I am but I'll keep bouncing that carrot in front of her face because the longer I keep her focused on my identity over the game that I want to play, the better it is for me in the long run. Payton is a threat because shes so talkative (albeit annoying as hell) and has Percy in her back pocket. She even came to me and said,

[10:14 PM] Payton Rodriguez: So I think I kinda decided Percy would be safe if we went to tribal again, at least from my vote? He really did help with making that poster look good

Of course that's a valid excuse but you should be willing to vote off anyone at any given moment in time. I don't care who we're going after, but I kind of think that Peter does need to go next. He's just going to do whatever people tell him to do later and he contributes almost nothing to my game, except acting like a little pawn for the time being.

I still have my Abnegation idol, so I'm going to hold onto it as long as possible. I think this is an idol I need to use on myself only because if I try to use it to make a huge move, like playing it on the target to get rid of a threat, then it could backfire and if my own target ends up getting saved, I could go out on a revote. If I just had the regular old thing, then I'd be more willing to be #dauntless and whip it out to save someone else and *ciera voice* make big movez.

Also I'm being really patient with myself and trying to make a lot of spelling/grammar errors and ignoring most forms of punctuation. I want to, in addition, have perfect grammar, spelling, punctuation on my regular account so that people are somewhat confused about my identity. I'm still going with my "pretty, spoiled girl" image that I'm adopting so that everyone thinks that I'm two completely different people. Maybe its working, maybe its not. But I need to start cutting the bullshit and start being as realistic as possible. No more talking about the unrealistic life I don't have, but being real. I have to adopt true parts of my own personality so I'm not looking like a bullshit artist. I have that tumblr blog, so maybe i should share it with the people so they choose to follow me and understand that maybe this is something i'm committing to. we'll have to see how that works out for me, of course.

ok i know im not supposed to but i cant help but get uncharted flashbacks rn im sure its not but lake is giving me ari vibes

Gosh it's been a long time since I've made one of these.

Nothing has really happened. We've been winning immunity and I haven't really helped at all.

I've been trying to staybtalkative with the most active members of the tribe and I feel like there's at least 2 or 3 people that could be voted out before me.

I feel so bad cause I havent done one of these in a long time. Im usually good with confessionals <.< sorry hosts.

I feel like im wadting time with the amity idol but oh well ill keep chugging along

Dani scares me. Theyre really smart, they know who i am, and i feel like theyre not playing with abnegation (obviously they werent from thay tribe) and theyre gping to use it against me. I want to get her oyt, but i think shes better connected to people, therefore attempting to do so will get me oyt instead, and i want to play with loyalty, i dont want to ve a flipper again and again. Dani is in an alliance with me so that wont be good as the others may be wary of me.

Im concerned as well as people arent actually talking that much to me. They dont message me, only dani and payton. I love payton or logan if it is them and i believe theyre going to be a bigger target ahwad of me in the future.

I want to play a very goat game. Previously my competitors and friends viewed me as someone who cant win and is very well aligned and a flipper. I havemt made ftc, and thats my goal. I dont care about anything else. If im loyal and very nonthreatening, people will want to take me as they view me as a goat and i could potentially use that strategy to win? I want to reach my goatential, and see whether i can lose at the end or not. Hopefully i dont.

Im typing this on my phone and i didnt put the heading, sorry for all my messiness. #Goatential #Geoat #loyalty #noflippers #mystrategy

I want to conspire to vote Dani out. I think that might be too risky right now but I don't trust her.

I'm glad we won tribal! But I really, REALLY want to send Dani home. Like, yesterday.

I'm tired of people outside the game talking to me about this game. Stop.

Um, it's been a confusing past few days. The biggest things to come out of them:

1. Six won immunity! Woo hoo! Payton was trying to argue that they were throwing it, but I refuse to believe that. We cam together as a tribe and we showed how much more effective we are when we work together, and that's that. So I guess another way of saying it would be, I don't care what they did. I care about what we did. And we crushed it. And frankly, as great as Payton has been for moral support and activity, her frequent willingness to couch thoughts with 'if's and 'but's really rubs me the wrong way. That's not the way winners think.

1a. That said, Payton is still my #1 for now. She's got a tremendous grip on the tribe socially and is realistically one of the shot-callers around here. The longer I can stay under the radar and vote with her, the more likely I can make merge. And then we're golden.

2. Danielle approached me with 'evidence' that Payton took the advantage, but it was very... sketchy. Which is not to say I don't believe it. I had my suspicions. But I wonder if Dani is trying to throw Payton under the bus for something. There seems to be some bad blood there for reasons I can't fathom.

3. Payton approached me with 'evidence' that Danielle or Geo are fabricating receipts, but it was very... sketchy. Which is not to say I don't believe it. It seems like something both would do, based on what little I know of them. But I wonder if Payton is trying to throw Dani under the bus for something. There seems to be some bad blood there for reasons I can't fathom.

3a. Déjà-vu is the sensation of seeing something you feel like you've seen before.

4. This Erudite idol is maddening. 'Center from the start?' What the hell is that??? I've tried everything – the letter a, the titles on each of the blogs, the word 'hosts' which is the 'center' block on the 'start' page, every past clue in every single blog... I know the clue points to a page on one of the blogs I've already visited, as opposed to the latest one. But I'm so stuck and it's so frustrating and I can only hope others are as hopelessly irritated as I am. I need that next clue, and hopefully this time it'll be something new rather than something I'd already been trying. Talk about bad luck.

5. Peter has been very quiet, but at least he showed up for the comp.

6. Lucy has been very quiet, but at least she showed up for the comp.

7. Geo has been very quiet, but at least he showed up for the comp.

3a. Déjà-vu is the sensation of seeing something you feel like you've seen before.

I will make a longer confessional if I survive tribal, which honestly, I think I will. Me, Kyle, and Melissa are in alliances with pretty much everyone on the tribe, so I think we are fine. The vote should be for Amanda, which is a relief for more than one reason. One, she's getting on everyone's nerves, and two, its so weird for people to be talking about Amanda and to remember its not me. There's only room for one Amanda in this game, hun! Ahhh anyway, after this tribal, we are supposed to be on a holiday break for a while, but I have a feeling before that happens, we are gonna be split into 3 tribes of 5. I'm really hoping not, but if so, I have Kyle and/or Melissa with me, or that I end up on a tribe with a Four Tribe majority. Ahh okay, I'm out til later