#sorry but. i’m so . so emotional about them but charlie specifically. ok

[wayward-sherlock]

well.

[kinetic-elaboration]

August 21: 3x04 And the Children Shall Lead

Okay, I’m finally going to write up my thoughts on And the Children Shall Lead. I think I’m (mostly) over all of my excessively-strong emotions about this ep lol. Maybe going through my notes will bring them back. Or maybe not. I’ve felt very tired and uninterested in everything today so it’s hard to tell. So far the process is not going well: tumblr ate my first attempt at a post, like literally I wrote a few lines, clicked to a new tab, and when I clicked back the post was empty so thanks for that, and I keep on just generally not being interested in the task. So, we’ll see.

The tl;dr is that I don’t see why this ep is considered one of the worst. I actually really liked it!

Single-color jumpsuits: the fashion of the future.

Another old Kirk friend! (This isn’t even important lol; it never comes up again or matters that Kirk knew this guy, but we must always be reminded that he is the best networker in Starfleet.)

“He’s dead, Captain.” Not “he’s dead, Jim”?? Sounds wrong.

“The enemy within.” I thought that was a S1 ep?

Ah, another bunch of creepy kids. In pajamas this time, apparently.

Kirk is not having fun being the center of their creepy little rhyme.

RIP to McCoy but my diagnosis is “alien shenanigans.”

“I’m sorry, Captain Kirk.” Such a polite little alien.

McCoy corralling the kids

This sounds a lot like Miri, except purposeful—something targeted all the adults but left the kids, just like the virus in Miri affected all the adults, but not the kids.

…A disturbance in the cave!

Lol at Kirk’s anxiety face. I feel you, man.

Spock’s never experienced anxiety? My first thought is ‘sounds fake’ but actually… maybe he really hasn’t.

“There has to be an explanation.” This is the MOST Jim line.

I like these kids. They’re actually pretty cute. Also love Kirk trying to relate to the kids.

Where are they? Is this Sulu’s greenhouse lol? I love it. They should have used this set more.

“That place is for adults.” Gotta say, I wrote this down but now have no recollection what it actually refers to. The bridge? I think it’s the bridge.

Are they performing witchcraft? Intriguing.

“Friendly angel”—nothing creepy about that at all.

Got a little alien cult going on here. Every time I feel anxiety from now on I’m going to assume it’s an alien cultist nearby.

“We’ll pursue this in my quarters.” Wink wink.

Can’t fool Uhura.

Never mind. Yes you can.

For someone who wanted the kids guarded all the time, Kirk sure was ok with them just traipsing around the bridge. I mean the guards are at the door but like…they’re only at the door.

Never really thought about how there’s apparently an…engineering component... to flying the ship? I don’t know, I don’t really get it but it’s cool.

"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth." Damn. Great line.

BAND OF MARAUDES. That’s a cool backstory for the dead alien society. Basically, they’re ghosts. Greedy ghosts. Alien ghost pirates.

Great triumvirate scene. McCoy want to protect the kids and Kirk’s like “…but the ship, though?” Which is fair!!

What does the ghost want? Um, a ship to maraud in, were you not listening to Spock’s exposition of the back story?

No don’t beam anyone down!!

Love any time Spock pushes someone else out of the way so he can man the transporter. He’s somehow the second-best expert on it on the entire ship.

Eeek, low-key gruesome death there. Look, I know that this is one of the scenes that haters love to point out as a reason to despise the episode but I personally don’t think deeply enough into the transporter situation to wonder how much information they have or assume before they beam people anywhere. Also…weird alien stuff is happening, guys. Just attribute it to that. Also also, if you’re gonna nitpick like that, be prepared to hate all of TOS.

THE KIDS STOLE THE CAR.

“Sulu, what did you to do my ship?”

Uhura’s watching this little witchcraft scene from the background like ‘aw, so cute.’

“Call upon their beasts.” Metal.

“Go to your stations.” This little kid is a future Captain in the making.

SPACE KNIVES

Kirk's like "Oh no, my crew is deserting me, I'm gonna have to fly the whole ship by myself AGAIN.”

“Captain, why are we bothering Starfleet?” Et tu, Spock?s

How did they get to Spock? He doesn’t seem scared of anything…more like he’s under the influence of a general hallucination, like the others seeing the planet on the screen even after they left orbit.

I remember this part, with Kirk freaking out. Spock doesn’t like it one bit.

He’s just being a littttle Dramatique.

Cannot believe that all Spock has to do is say “Jim” in a quiet, intimate voice and Kirk is immediately okay. Just let it out of his system, grabbed onto his friend, heard his own name, and the beast is defeated.

“My Vulcan friend”? Lol.

Kirk’s face when he realizes they’ve got Scotty too…

“Go away or we’ll kill you.” That was legitimately creepy. Scotty gone rogue.

Aw, Spock was worried about him again.

“Without followers, evil cannot spread.”

“Where did you hear this order, Chekov?” / “The voices in my head.”

It’s interesting that Kirk and Spock can’t be manipulated—perhaps because they have each other?

Enough of this—fight time!

That guard sounded like he really liked that nerve pinch; he was kinda moaning as he went down.

“Spock, corral them to their rooms.”

Outta the chair, brat.

Is Kirk going to defeat the alien evil using logic?

Summoning the “angel” by using the old recording is very clever.

When did they decide to start calling him the Gorgon?

“It lost its power in the light of reality” = “I looked into Spock’s eyes and knew myself again.”

HE IS GENTLE. It’s true and you should say it.

And he doesn’t even dispute it. “AND we are ALSO very strong.”

"You are full of goodness. Such as you cannot be changed."

So the girl is Jankowski.

This is very Candyman. The alien needs their belief to live. When they cease to follow him, he literally disappears.

Honestly, this whole alien scheme starts to look equal parts silly and sad, trying to call the crying children "generals.” They’re babies!

McCoy loves to see children in tears lol.

Kirk just hands them all off to McCoy, like ‘well, my work here is done.’

Okay, now we reverse course to pick up those stranded security guards still on the planet, right? Right? No? Okay, guess not.

Uhura, immediately ready with the paperwork lol. Now IS the time.

The end!

Now to try to interpret all of my other, more general notes.

The way I interpreted Spock being able to defy the mind control was that he was affected by Kirk. Because he clearly was affected, but then when he saw Kirk starting to freak out, he looked concerned, and then got them both off the bridge—he had a breakthrough of clarity long enough to understand he needed to get off the bridge. Then he’d be away from the kids, and they wouldn’t have as much control, and he could snap Jim out of it, too.

Like I’m sure his Vulcan resilience could easily have been part of it, too, but that resilience wasn’t enough to keep him from being affected at all—and of course they could have easily written it that way—and it seems obvious that his moment of clarity was caused specifically by watching Kirk starting to lose it. There are so many shots of him specifically watching Kirk and the guard.

The K/S vibes were so strong. Spock was so protective, then they get in the lift and Kirk basically clings to him. All he has to do is say Kirk’s name and Kirk is fine, which is basically the power of true love. And then even outside of that scene… for the whole rest of the ep, they’re a duo. It’s not just Kirk against the Evil of the Week, it’s Kirk and Spock, working together at every turn. Neither of them could have done it alone.

it's a pretty classic trope, in fact, especially in s1, to have Kirk all alone, abandoned by all...where he's the last man standing, the one who has to run the whole ship and save the whole day. Naked Time, This Side of Paradise, and Trouble with Tribbles (kinda) all come to mind. But this time he has Spock! You see the progression of their relationship in that.

I really enjoyed this episode in general. Lots of classic tropes: creepy children; surprise alien; old alien society not as dead as we thought; Kirk has to run the whole ship by himself (with Spock); heroic!Kirk saving the day… It has it all. It’s clearly revisiting some older themes and ideas, but in a sufficiently unique way that it doesn’t just seem like a rehash of an older plot. In some ways, it felt like a Classic S1 episode to me. It has some Miri elements, some Charlie X elements, some Naked Time elements…

I literally don’t understand why it’s so disliked.

Skimmed the wiki and the only specific criticism in there is that Kirk shows an “unmistakable hostility to the children.” Well first of all, he doesn’t. He might not have the best manner with them, but why should he? He’s certainly not mean or cruel to them. He recognizes they’re a danger to his ship, and to the whole planet of Marcos-12, which by the way is objectively true, but that’s not being hostile. McCoy is the one who represents ‘exclusive care for the children’s welfare’ in this ep, but he CAN do that, because he’s not the Captain. He represents that perspective, he gives his opinion, which is both his job on the ship and his role on the show, and then Kirk takes that into account while doing HIS job, which is running the ship. McCoy would have literally let the kids take over their ship and conquer the galaxy as part of their grieving process lol. Kirk was right and I should say it. (Also btw he understands that killing the kids might be an option—but he obviously doesn’t actually do it.)

I actually think this ep is a great example of the triumvirate functioning--McCoy reminds Kirk that the children are just traumatized children, and Spock reminds him that he's responsible for 400+ people on the ship, and Kirk makes the decisions that vanquish the evil, save the ship, and free the kids.

And look, even if you don’t like this episode, you’d have to argue very hard to convince me it’s the WORST, as in worse than Spock’s Brain, worse than The Alternative Factor, worse than Assignment Earth (not even a real TOS ep!), worse than The Omega Glory.

Some stuff I actively liked: the concept of the alien taking over the children specifically (both creepy and…kinda makes sense? That they’d be vulnerable); the message that the followers of demagogues can be both truly dangerous and objects of sympathy; the backstory of the evil empire of pirate aliens—and how greed doesn’t die; the witchcraft aesthetic, ESPECIALLY when paired with the kid antagonists, since kids are so into that like chanting, incantations, rituals thing; that the ep used every single main character (when was the last time a TOS ep did that?). Also I thought the kid actors did a good job!

The theme about the authoritarian and the cult followers was actually quite resonant, I thought; inevitably made me think of Tr/ump and his Tr/umpies. Just like in this episode, you must have some kind of… if not sympathy, at least willingness to do the hard work of deprograming and then bringing them back to the fold, or else the country is never going to heal and it’s never going to be able to go forward in a positive way. It might not go forward at all! But fuck it’s hard to have that sympathy; they’re so abhorrent. Here, you see the terrible things the kids do, and yet sympathy isn’t so hard, because they’re kids. You see how much they are victims/pawns also. And so in that sense, Kirk’s ability to deprogram them is comfortingly optimistic—a little bittersweet, as TOS often is, because the kids have done horrible things and seen horrible things and now they’ll have to live with it, but comforting nonetheless.

I can’t even think of that many things I didn’t like in the ep. Mostly just nitpicky things. Like, was McCoy a little inconsistent in what he thought should be done with the kids? Yeah, but we get the general idea. Did Kirk drop the ball when he let them hang out on the bridge? Yes, especially as he knew how dangerous they were at that point, but I actually don’t mind it so much because they’re kids—it’s understandable that their true dangerousness didn’t fully compute to him. I don’t see that as a mistake or sloppy writing tbh. And was it an amateur hour mistake to beam two people into space? Yes, but it made up for it in being creepy and upping the stakes of the ep.

I guess I could see how the fist gesture could be seen as a little silly. But the other option, having them speak rhymes each time, would have been distracting—and probably also looked silly! Also, as my mom pointed out, it looks like a kid’s game (sorta like the start of rock paper scissors) so it fits appropriately with the theme.

I really liked how they wove in the aesthetic of kids’ games, kids’ manners of playing, into the narrative. Kids can be really creepy! They like creepy things! So the ring around the rosy rhyme at the beginning—a quite disturbing chant, of course, about the Plague, that is also very commonly sung by actual kids—foreshadows the summoning chant that brings the alien to them. It’s all of a piece. And just like the rhyme is just a rhyme, and they don’t know the real meaning behind it, they probably also don’t fully understand the meaning of the summoning chant or the alien that comes with it. It’s all one big game to them.

It’s interesting that the alien seemed to play off their desire both to punish their parents for working too much ("they like the planet, they're always busy") and to have freedom from parental rules (how they react to any instructions from adults, the alien's promise that the whole universe will be their playground, etc.). He really picks their sore spots as kids specifically and turns them into his “generals” accordingly. Like all kids, they don’t think too much about the larger consequences of their game because in some ways, it really is all just a game to them.

I liked how the episode characterized Kirk’s ability to interact with kids. He’s not bad with them at all, but he’s not like McCoy or Chapel either. He “wants to communicate with the future adult in the kid,” as my mom put it, which is perfect. He doesn’t exactly treat them as mini-adults—he doesn’t say inappropriate things to them, and he does simplify his language and his ideas for them—but he does treat them very seriously. And he’s probably best at one-on-one interactions like with Tommy. I think this makes total sense for his character: he doesn’t have kids (David aside lol), he doesn’t have younger siblings, he doesn’t work in a place where he’d see other people’s kids, he doesn’t get to see his nephew much, etc.

…Okay those were all my notes. I know I had other thoughts that were a little less scattered later, but… I’m tired. And most of it is probably in here in some form or another. I also found a list of, like, actual critiques of the episode, and I was considering going through them and addressing them all, and I might still do that. But I think that’s for another day.

[robinisaghost]

animatic ideas :0 (ramble away, i would love to hear them!!)

mk thank you for enabling me, i will now be yelling

anyway

this is gonna be so obnoxiously long i am so sorry

can you add read more's on asks? eeeekkkk because this got so damn long lmao

mild dsmp spoilers obviously

this is the playlist, by the way

-im sorry boris (wilbur soot)

i think it would work really well with mmm slightly post lmanburg niki. andby slightly i mean. well when she leaves (that is the whole thing of the song gdfjkhgsdf) also side note at like 1 minute 11 on that song theres a discord notification really subtly in the background and it makes me paranoid every time i hear it. anyway god its such a nice song. even for just like. the end of lmanburg. not necesarily paired with a character, just the sense of leaving a place that was so highly populated before it got blown up twice and was like. the main part of the smp. yeah. anyway also the lines "they'll knock down the pubs before helping you...they'll let you jump under trains before helping you" yeah those four lines have big niki vibes but also i think the song could work well with exile tommy or actually even with the finale when tubbo is about to sacrifice himself? mmmmm yeah

-this is home (cavetown)

mmmm got exile tommy vibes innit. a lot of these have exile tommy vibes tbf i just like sad songs and also exile tommy. plus the song has a lot of like. the message is sort of like. changing yourself to appeal to others? like with "ill cut my hair to make you stare" but also the repeated thing of "ill figure out a way to get us out of here" which is clearly the main character of the song trying to help everyone when they are clearly not in a good way themself. yeah thats got big tommy vibes in general tbh but more like. pre finale tommy. i think he got a bit more independant after that.

-soldier poet king (the oh hellos)

ok this is self explanatory and has been done to death already but d a m n its kinda funky. anyway i had thoughts and actually started this but then lost motivation and deleted it all lmaooo. the only proof of its existance is a shitty storyboard in my draw which will hopefully never see the light of day again (unless anyone wants to see it :eyes:) anyway i had the thought of like. sbi? so soldier techno poet wilbur and king tommy. but tbf tommy and techno are kinda interchangeable with that, cos while techno is obviously the better fighter, tommy is used a lot, especially in lmanberg era and also i think he probably will be now that wilburs back

-pyjama pants (cavetown)

ok so i honestly dont remember why this is on the playlist but tbf this could go well with a bunch of characters. thinking like. phil and wilbur? or wil and tommy, or tubbo and ranboo are two that like. i know for a fact that i did not put the song on the playlist specifically for them but god thinking about it now it works so well with them

-boys will be bugs (cavetown)

OH BOY THERES A LOT OF CAVETOWN ON HERE HUH (i feel like that probably says something about me but shhhhhh we dont need to talk about that) ANYWAY

I think this could probably work really well with tommy? because of the whole like. trying really hard to come across as not caring about others, but really being like. very vunerable. but at the same time it could go really well with wilbur for the same reasons. also the song fucks ok cant deny it. to be fair i think it works better with tommy, because he's younger and also he really likes bugs (unless i am mistaken) which is just a cool coincidence but still)

-brother (kodaline)

FUCKKKKKKKKKKK THIS WORKS SO WELL WITH SO MANY CHARACTERS AND IS ALSO ***SO ANGSTY*** WHAT

anyway

i added it because of tommy and tubbo because holy shit, but also it could work very very well with wilbur and tommy, techno and wilbur, probably techno and tommy, and oh my god i just thought of this but this would work so well with phil and techno!!!! but yeah i originally thought tommy and tubbo because i thought it was a funny coincidence with exile tommy waking up underwater, and theres a line that says "if you were drowned at sea, id give you my lungs so you could breathe" and like. just thinking about the compasses especially. me gusta.

-feel better (penelope scott)

fundy. that is all.

no ok this works well with fundy but also probably karl sapnap and quackity, and also very much wilbur, like it works well with both. just mainly fundy idk why its got big fundy vibes tho. very poggers.

-as the world caves in (matt maltese)

ok but like this goes very very well with the explosions of lamberg. either of them. i think probably the first one is better, but i think it goes well with both. probably the first one, because it was way more emotional i think? cos it was the first time that their homes had been destroyed and everything, but also because it was so personal, because wilbur was the one who did it. i think that also it would work well if it was set during the explosion but also focussed on different facets? so like. one bit about wilburs perspective, one bit about tommys, one about phils, one about fundys maybe? idk just a bunch of lmaburg citizens' povs for this. its good. as the world caves in is a song that can be so gender tbh.

-do you hear the people sing? (les mis)

obvious obvious obvious...... but like..... also tbh it goes well with a bunch of things. like, mmmmm wilbur in pogtopia. the butcher army. lmaburg independance war (obviously ghdskj) but yeah. also this song just goes so hard like b r u h

-wolf in sheeps clothing (set it off, william beckett)

SO MANY OF THESE ARE LIKE. PRETTY OBVIOUS IF YOUVE HEARD THE SONG

but yeah. it would go so well with like. well any betrayal basically. so eret, from tommys pov maybe, or about wilbur from nikis pov, or wilbur from anyone pov tbf, or quackity from charlie/purpled/foolish/sams pov, or sam from tommys pov, really it works well with so many people which says a lot about the characters tbh but shhhhhhhhhhhh

-need you here (idkhow)

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

mk mk mk mk FUNDY AND WILBUR THO

like b r u h that works so well with them

also i started this one as well but didnt like it, theres a story board in my draw as well for it because like. oh my god its such a good idea i just am shit at animating and don't have a decent enough program :')

also also

the line "daddy has to go, and that makes me sad, but daddy will always come back, he promised" fuckkkkkk that works so well with like. say for example, idk, when they're celebrating schlatts death and wilbur leaves to press the button? the sheer fucking angst of that is enough to kill any one person istg that is in fact the entire reason why i started the animatic in the first place. just that line. also all the lines sung by the child voice. fuckin angsty as hell. also ust generally a banging song, as is every idkhow song

-green (cavetown)

another cavetown song huh. ok sure.

mk so wilbur and sally and fundy. like. for a start, the imagry of a fish at the start? boom sally.

anyway the lines "you looked so good in green, i hope you're well, and you look so good with him, (schlatt ig?) and I'm proud of you still (wilburrrr and fundyyyy) i miss your perfect teeth, i was too blunt, i hope you feel happy, that's all I want"

FUCKKKK

the whole song is about missing someone you used to love and only hoping the best for them!!!! and wishing that they are happy and safe!!!!!!!!!!! and hoping they still think about you!!!!! but even if they dont its fine because all you want is for them to be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

-achilles come down (gang of youths)

OK I THOUGHT IT COULDNT GET ANGSTIER

so like. tw suicide but thats what the entire song is about and bing bang boom i just think it works so so so so so so so well with not only exile tommy (who obviously did try to kill himself) but also wilbur in a slightly more metaphorical way? so like. his self destructive habits leading him to a point where he had no choice other than to kill himself and to take his country down with him. and its all about other characters trying to help them and persuade them not to but also near the end there is a second voice trying to persuade them to go along with it, which im thinking like. if its wilbur, either dream or maybe just himself. his own brain persuading him to continue down the path that would inevitably lead to his and his countries destruction. also it works well with schlatt for the same reasons, except he doesnt want to die. maybe (since the song is so goddamn long) like. one verse for tommy one for wilbur and one for schlatt? dead gang poggg but also like. the verses cover fairly different things which work with one character but not so much the others, for example the first verse would be tommy because its mainly about persuading the person to not kill themself (which tommy did himself but shhh) the second for schlatt because its literally about drinking and smoking away your problems, and the third for wilbur since its more of a fight between the "good" and the "bad" sides, which is obviously what wilbur was experiencing. also obviously i have a soft spot for this song because its string instruments and french, basically my favourite combination ever (also i like his voice idfk lmao)

ANYWAY THATS ALL THE SONGS ON THERE SO FAR

i literally thought of another song while i was in the shower today but i dont remember which it was but a n y w a y the playlist will most definitely be getting longer, especially since there are so many more songs that are good for this but i just havent added them yet lmao. anyway ive been writing this for like an hour gsdfjhgdhfsg but still oh my god this was fun to write

[silver-wield]

The Promise Analysis (Cloti)

Sorry about that, Nonny, I relate the promise between Tifa and Cloud to some of the stuff that happens during their resolution and went full tin hatter on it.

Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven't played (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it's gonna be a long one so prepare to scroll.

Also, this is one person's interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that's cool and we'll agree to disagree.

You're also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I'm grabbing them from Youtube and it's frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.

Other analyses if anyone's interested.

Shinra HQ vision scene (Cloti/plot analysis) 

Chapter 3 (Cloti reblog) 

Tifa character analysis 

Aerith Resolution (plot analysis/theory) 

Train graveyard (not really an analysis, but I got some sweet screenshots of Cloti) 

Clotiscrew tunnel analysis 

Cloti reunion analysis 

Now, strap in and enjoy the ride.

Recapping for anyone who's forgotten the basics – cause I assume by this point you're ok with spoilers and me pointing that out is kinda dumb lol

So, chapter 4 and it's mission time with the trio – I love these dorks, especially Wedge, he is my child and if he's dead Imma riot. Jessie is off being sneaky and it's up to Cloud and co to play tag with the security team.

As Charlie Biggs (if you got the ref kudos) explains the plan, Cloud looks up at the night sky — which is a whole lot different to the one we fade up to and I personally wonder what it was about that sky that made him recall the promise to Tifa. Was it just the fact he'd been talking to her and it was his first time he'd paid attention to it? Before that he was under the plate and before that he was in the reactor, so I guess it's safe to assume this is his first chance to relate the two things.

Ok, after the fade in, we're treated to a pretty damn romantic set up. The water tower, the night sky and lil Cloud waiting for Tifa.

In the OG it mentions he waited for so long he started getting really cold, but he stuck it out because he wanted to see her and hoped she'd show. That's an OG lifestream detail not in the first OG promise scene, but let's assume for now it's gonna get a callback in the Remake. That means bby Cloud has been sitting there waiting for Tifa for a while now.

Ok, call her a thirteen year old bitch if you feel good about yourselves here, but she's thirteen and her dad is super overprotective. He stopped Cloud from playing with Tifa after she had an accident at 8 that wasn't Cloud's fault and in fact if he hadn't been there she'd have died on the mountain because nobody would've known where she was. Ok? Ok.

So, he's been waiting, and it's clear he's nervous – he looks so fucking cute I just can't stand it! Nervous fidgeting, balled fist, head down, mouth pulled into a pretty grim line. He thinks she's not coming, but still he's waiting for her.

Sorry, just to further hit home the above points. That is the face of a boy who is desperately hoping the girl he likes is gonna show, but has half given up hope. There's sadness in his eyes and a tensing along his jaw line. This boy is disappointed and my heart breaks for him.

Going back to that focus in on Cloud's eyes before the flashback and we can see here the massive difference mako makes to the colour. Cloud's eyes are a deep blue, while his mako infused eyes are blue/green. I get why he goes on about them a lot because he's probably not used to seeing them like that yet; maybe he never will be. Tifa's comment was about the look in his eyes – which I touched on in a comment I made while replaying. Tifa isn't focused on the colour, she's dismayed he has such a hard look in his eyes and when you compare the look in this boy's eyes, it's clear to see what she's getting at. This Cloud is the real Cloud and he is soft as fuck and trying to look tough.

GODDAMNIT!! There's way too many good moments to grab for this analysis! Look at this precious boy! All but folding under the weight of disappointment! But, what's this in the bg? Our heroine, here at last!

If anyone anyone tries to say Cloud didn't have a great stonking crush on Tifa as a kid then please tell me what this means if it isn't he's gutted he's waited and waited and she didn't show.

We don't know why she's late – maybe Remake will clear that up for us – but I'm guessing she couldn't sneak out or maybe, judging by the amount she's dressed up, she was doing the typical girly thing and couldn't decide what to wear, asking herself if this is a date and second guessing why Cloud called her to the water tower – which is known as a romantic meeting place. Whatever the reason, she's thirteen, sheltered – thanks to her dad – and naturally shy. Maybe she worried herself into a state about whether she should go and had to find her courage to meet Cloud. She likes him just as much as he likes her remember. It's canon, don't argue.

Now, her face is this bit is out of focus, but that's nothing to my weirdly myopic eagle eyes – it's a very specific gift. Tifa's smiling. That we can tell even before she's fully in shot. There's a bunching of the cheek muscles that tells us that. She's pleased he's still there. Obviously, she can't read his body language, but she'd probably be a bit upset to realise she upset him. Because she's not actually a bitch like some people like to claim. Sorry, but she's thirteen. How threatened are yall that you gotta call a thirteen year old girl a bitch and try to erase how important she is in Cloud's childhood just to further your own ends? Seriously, get help.

Sorry for the janky, but this is a transition between focus so it's not gonna be great anyway. Here we can see Cloud's expression when Tifa says heya. Eyes open, wide with surprise. She showed. That's what his face is saying. He's trying hard not to show his emotions too much – I mean he is still Cloud and too cool for all that nonsense – but he's relieved. Maybe his heart even skips a beat, but I'm speculating. Her greeting is casual, reserved. Tifa. She’s being cute even though he’s not looking because she wants him to think she’s cute.

Tifa, ever respectful and respectable sits the right amount of difference away that both encourages Cloud she's interested in being near him, but doesn't over encourage him and make him think of her in a negative way. She's likely cultivated this on purpose – she's the mayor's daughter so she's always got to be proper – because she's got a lot of male friends and having any of them get the wrong idea would be bad. You'll notice in her other flashbacks where the boys feature that she's not sitting too close to any of them and they're running around her, not touching or anything. They're satellites that revolve around her because she is untouchable to them. Because she's the mayor's daughter and has to be a good girl all the time. This is further evidence that goes towards Tifa's overall personality. She's very careful and respectful to people. She doesn't go out of her way to offend anyone unless she has no choice. Though she's a skilled fighter, she's very slow to anger and tries to look on the bright side as much as she can, despite the tragedy in her life. (I'm gushing, I know, but she's such a great multifaceted character and way more than the tropes people shove on her to make her into nothing).

Where was I?

Right. So, in direct contrast to their later conversation during the chapter 14 resolution, here we see Cloud with his back to Tifa and her with her head tilting, inviting him to confide in her. Yes, there really are that many awesome parallels purposely inserted in this game and that's why you need to take more than one look.

From her face we can conclude she's optimistic. She's smiling and doesn't look like someone who's expecting a bomb to drop any second – Cloud if you only turned around you wouldn't have gone through this shit. Sure, you'd have likely died when Sephiroth came to town, but hey, you'd have gone out with your childhood sweetheart lol

What she's probably expecting is for Cloud – who has purposely invited her to the watertower hot dating spot – to ask her out. And since she's there and dressed up, we could conclude she'd accept him.

Cloud is trying to find the cool words he wants to say that'll motivate Tifa to miss him, maybe even push her into saying, “No, don't go,” because even though he's fourteen, Cloud is no good at talking to women. This is just one of his character traits. It's why we wanna strangle him over the Triangle. Bby Cloud is hardly better than adult Cloud, but at least bby Cloud knows he likes Tifa.

Bomb dropped. Kaboom. Poor bby Tifa. Look how disappointed and upset she is. She wasn't expecting this one bit! She looked so hopeful in the seconds before Cloud's hesitant declaration, only it wasn't the kind she hoped for. I wouldn't go so far as to say she's crushed, but she's upset, that's for sure. Her brows have come together and she's turned away from Cloud because she doesn't want him to see how she looks in this moment. She's trying to put a brave face on it, but bby Tifa isn't as good as her grown up self. You can see the mouth trying to form a smile, but the eyes have a different expression in them.This is again seen in chapter 14 when Tifa tries to put a brave face on for Cloud before breaking down. 

Shots fired! Tifa goes for dismissive and succeeds! Never mess with a girl with a crush lol

Cloud was trying to get a reaction out of her, but she got one out of him instead. Brave face wins. Well, what did you expect? She's the mayor's daughter and raised on being proper.

He stutters that he's not like the other boys – so cute – and shows off his lofty dreams. He's trying so hard to impress her. He only has these dreams because of the incident when they were smaller where her father said if Cloud can't take care of Tifa then he has no right being around her. This is what drove Cloud to distance himself from Tifa and her friends. Talk about shoving an inferiority complex and identity disorder on a kid. I get it, the mayor was worried about his daughter, but Cloud didn't deserve the bear the brunt of his anger and blame. Still, the fact that nine year old Cloud took that, held onto it for five years and still decided to pursue Tifa by becoming a SOLDIER has huge meaning for them. He was nine. Ok, for argument's sake let's say he didn't have a crush on her, but they were friends and he was told he wasn't good enough to hang with her. So, thanks to propaganda he gets it in his head that SOLDIERS are the best and if he's one of them he'll be good enough for her father to let him see Tifa again. We're not told at any point – nor shown it – that Tifa is only interested in Cloud if he's this elite who can impress her. Remember, she already likes him. Look at what she's wearing compared to him ffs. This girl – again – dressed for a date with Mr Oblivious. Yes, I'm rolling my eyes. Yes, I want to smack him upside the head. Yes, I know he's 14, I meant adult Cloud.

Back to it. The look on his face here is one of “she thinks I'm like the others? I'll prove I'm not. I'm better than that. I can be next to her if I prove myself.” At this point, he's definitely gone from wanting to be around her in a friendship capacity to borderline romantic. I mean, he did call her out to the watertower. Did I mention that? A few times? Because it's significant. He's frustrated she compared him to her friends – no she didn't friendzone him, she likes him. He thinks she friendzoned him. Kids are frustrating and the adult versions aren't much better.

Shots fired part two! Points to Cloud this time! Smug lil fucker, I see that smirk!

Okay, so Cloud says he's gonna be like Sephiroth and at this point in time Sephiroth isn't batshit crazy, he's someone to be admired. Tifa to be fair, doesn't sound impressed, but she's humouring Cloud. Then, she says, “Isn't it hard to become a SOLDIER?” And Cloud replies with “Yes, so I won't be back for a long time.”

Okay, now. This is definitely to get a reaction. The smirk on his face is saying that he's partly getting her back for her earlier shot and partly trying to goad a reaction from her because he thinks he didn't get one before – this is why eye contact matters.

Tifa, for her part, doesn't look happy. He's got a reaction out of her, but it'd be really super helpful if he was facing her to see it. Because he isn't, she can get away with a breezy reply that makes him think she doesn't care.

I'm sorry, can I just say serves you right and leave it at that? Seriously, Cloud, don't mess with girls when you can barely form coherent sentences most of the time. What did he expect? She'd throw herself on him, clinging, crying and begging him not to go? Probably. Once again, our angsty hero is on the backfoot in their conversation. This is why eye contact matters. He's looking a bit gutted at her reaction. He likely hoped for more and got far less than he wanted. It's no wonder he goes to Midgar and doesn't approach her when he comes back as a grunt. He's carrying this presumed disappointment around with him that stops him from seeing her. (I can't really go more into CC events since I haven't played it and I've only seen a few bits and pieces, but what I got from it was Cloud is an idiot.)

Tifa asking if he'll be in the papers is both a brush off towards his baiting and also she's trying to encourage him. This is his dream. He called her out of the house late at night to tell her – just her – that this is what he's gonna do. Of course she won't stop him. She's not that kind of girl. She's supportive and kind. She doesn't understand that Cloud's doing it for her – I honestly don't think it enters her mind at any point until he reveals it OG during the lifestream sequence. She's pretty much as oblivious as he is and assumes they're just really close friends and her attraction is all one sided; same as he does about her.

Ah ha! Tifa thinks, realising that Cloud's lukewarm effort to be in the papers won't be enough to satisfy her. If Cloud's going to become a SOLDIER, then he'll be a hero – like Sephiroth. What do heroes do? Save people. He said he won't be home for a long time, but there's even less guarantee he'd come back at all, and she wants to see him again, even if it's just once. She can't leave Nibelheim. As the mayor's daughter she's got responsibilities to the people there – even though the town is dying out and nobody new is settling. Eventually, she'll be the only person her age left and maybe never hear from any of her friends again. But, she can't leave. She can't abandon the people. She'll be left, alone and lonely, until everyone’s gone. Her life wasted. But, she could see Cloud again and that makes her optimistic. Maybe she wouldn't mind the time so much if she thought she'd get to see him again. See that at least he's pursuing his dreams and he's happy with the direction his life took. Maybe she'd get one grand romantic gesture in her life if SOLDIER Cloud could save her.

Confused boi is confused. From Cloud's pov, he doesn't understand this odd request. He hasn't thought about Tifa saying everyone leaving means she's alone. He's only seen this from his pov, so he can't see why Tifa would need saving or how he would even know she needs him. He doesn't realise it's her way of trying to get some guarantee they'll meet again.

I mean, we can see he's trying to understand her. He's actually turned to look at her this time and his expression is searching, like he's looking for clues why she said this. He also invites her to explain by making a verbal cue.

And now that Cloud has her full attention – you know, the thing he was trying to get all along – he doesn't know what to do with it. He's flustered and awkward, and she's cajoling and turning on the charm, which she likely has in spades because mayor's daughter. I know I say that like it's a personality trait, but in part it is. She's had to learn decorum and everything that goes with it. She needs manners and good behaviour. She has to be just enough of an extrovert that she can attend functions – because even though I know I said the town is dying, they still have a reactor and that means they still get visits from important people. She can't show her dad or town up. In the Resolution analysis I made I said she hasn't been allowed to show emotion for five years since she arrived in Midgar, but it's very likely she's never been allowed to show much emotion. She's gotta be the doll. So, since she can't show she's sad, she goes for positive, and Cloud's frowning because he's not sure how he'll keep this promise she wants so bad and if she isn't interested in him then why is she asking for one anyway? Remember, they just did a do-si-do with each other's feelings acting like they don't like each other.

But then, oh look! Oh look! In the face of Tifa's unrelenting cheer and optimism, Cloud starts to smile. Eyes soften and the slightest lift at the corner of his mouth. He's starting to like the idea of being her hero. And it's just once and maybe from that one time save things would move forward for them. He's definitely not opposed to the idea – especially since he's the one who brings it up with Tifa later and she's pretty embarrassed at the reminder. The confusion from before could be because he thought she wasn't serious, but looking her dead in the eye – this is why eye contact matters – he sees she's serious. She wants him to be her hero. She wants to see him again and even offers a get out clause by saying “just once.” He doesn't have to do it forever or whenever she wants, just once. So, she can have hope she'll see him again some day.

And now we're back with the big idiot, who squeezes his eyes shut as he remembers Tifa in the bar earlier saying she feels trapped. Guilt likely pinches. Maybe he wonders if this was a hint she wanted his help – I'm wavering on this because she does say later she didn't expect this kind of thing when she asked for his promise – but if we go by choice of words alone it's leading. Then again, bby Tifa uses the word trapped, so it could just be a word that she feels comfortable using to describe her feelings. How we speak is made up of specific words we go to that feel right when we say them. It's just one of those things and why not everyone speaks the same even when they're from the same region or you have friend groups where you speak one way and other groups where you speak another.

From the dev pov I'm assuming it's meant to be a callback to the promise, but I wouldn't put it on Tifa doing it purposely to encourage Cloud to help her. If that makes sense.

And we close off with Cloud clenching his fist and resolving to help Tifa. To keep his promise.

At no point do we have confirmation from Tifa that the reason she asked Cloud to make a promise was to get a favour off him.

Conclusion

This is actually a very tragic scene from Tifa's pov. I've seen some people say this is because she's a young girl acting like a fairy princess, but I can't marry that idea with the gritty themes FF7 portrayed, and Remake does still hit those notes. Tifa is a young girl who had her romantic hopes dashed and she's looking for some kind of consolation from the boy she likes. He's leaving her. They're all leaving her. She'll be alone. She just wants hope that she'll see him again.

Is it manipulative? Yeah, ok, if that's how you see it. She's thirteen. Did I mention that? I'll say it again. She's thirteen, and one of the last people her age in town. Soon, she's gonna be the only one her age. She's lonely and doesn't want to lose everyone in her life. If you say that's manipulative by asking her crush make a promise so she can have hope she'd see him again, then go off I guess.

And let's touch on hope. Tifa is someone who has a lot of enduring hope – this is why I initially linked the ask to the resolution scene because the theme of hope runs through both. Tifa gets knocked down a lot. She's almost died several times, lost people close to her when they left town, lost Cloud when he left and still found a way to go on. She was never a damsel or trying to be one. She's wearing a cute dress because Cloud asked her out. She thought it was a date. Or she wanted it to be. And since when does wearing a dress make someone a weakling? Or does it only apply to Tifa because convenience?

After Cloud leaves, Tifa begins training every day. She learns from a master and develops her skills until she's at the peak. I mean, you've seen her fight. She kicks all the ass.

She wasn't sitting around like a damsel waiting for an opportunity for Cloud to come and save her. She got on with her life. She was happy at times, sad others. It was normal. She missed Cloud, I know that much from CC. She dressed up – again – hoping he'd be part of the group inspecting the reactor. She was disappointed when he wasn't there.

The promise between them wasn't about furthering a childhood romance or making Tifa someone Cloud couldn't get over. Neither of them was aware the other had feelings. It was awkward mutual oblivious crushing that clearly carried on for another two years until Cloud showed up with Zack, but didn't appear before Tifa because he’s that kind of idiot.

And what happened during the trip? Well, a lot of stuff, but the thing I know about is Sephiroth went batshit cray cray and slaughtered everyone in the town and then burnt it to the ground. He nearly killed Tifa. Cloud was there and that's what we see in his headache flashes about “I let you down again”.

He carries a lot of guilt about not being Tifa's hero, which is why he tries so hard to protect her. He made a promise to her that part of him believes he hasn't kept, but if it wasn't for him, she'd be dead. Again. He did save her. And he keeps on saving her. Not because of the debt of a promise but because he wants to be her hero. The real Cloud that's hidden deep within him, the one that made the original promise, the one that almost died saving her and got stuffed in a mako chamber for years until Zack rescued him, that Cloud wants to be Tifa's hero.

That's why after he recalls this moment – and it's one of the ones where he doesn't have a headache at all (just thought I'd mention that because certain people go on about how a specific scene is all Cloud not headachey Cloud whatever) – that he becomes focused on helping Tifa. He opens up both to her and others – check the camaraderie with the trio after the mission and him offering to walk Wedge home. 

This recollection of a promise is the first step for the real Cloud to finding his way back. That's why it anchors his development and that's why his and Tifa's relationship will never be less than something deep and meaningful.

[samclownchester]

I’m Not Sorry

Read on AO3

Listen, Dean has done a lot of problematic stuff they've never discussed on the show (or they have discussed but it was in a very biased and unfair way) and we all complain about it and I just wanted to write Sam finally standing up for himself and Dean finally owning up to the crap he's done so ... I hope it's as therapeutic for you to read as it was for me to write!

“Dean, we need to talk,” Sam said, sliding into the seat across from Dean at the kitchen table. Dean looked up from his breakfast, surprised, and the egg on his fork slowly slid off and flopped back onto his plate. 

“Um, good morning to you too,” he said, disgruntled.

“I’ve been talking to Eileen about … our lives,” Sam said without preamble, “And I’ve realized a few things. Things that I wanted to make clear,”he was doing his best to talk in a level tone. The last thing he wanted to do was start an argument, but he had realized that a lot of things had gone undealt with between them, and he wanted … no, needed to clear the air. At least for a few specific things.

Dean set his fork down and shrugged, giving Sam permission to say whatever was on his mind. 

“I’m not sorry,” he started, and though a part of him was a little afraid of Dean’s reaction, he also felt relieved to be saying it, “about what happened in 2012.” Dean just looked at him with wide eyes, and Sam couldn’t tell if he was surprised by what Sam was saying, or just shocked he would interrupt his breakfast over something that had happened so long ago. “I mean, I wish you hadn’t gone through purgatory, and I do … I do regret not looking for Kevin but … I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for getting a dog, for falling in love, for trying to move on after I thought you had died, like we had promised each other we would. I don’t apologize for that.”

Dean didn’t respond for a moment, just stared at Sam, his expression unreadable. “Let me get this straight,” he said, “you were talking to Eileen about this girl you were … with, almost 10 years ago and … what? Sammy, come on…”

“Don’t.” Sam said seriously, giving Dean a level look, “don’t try and make light of this, don’t just brush it off. Dean,” he heaved a sigh, “look, you’re my brother and I love you, I do, but … we’ve been through a lot of crap together, and you have put me through a lot of crap, and we need to talk about it.”

Dean stared hard at him, but when Sam didn’t break away from his gaze he finally relented, “ok, fine. Fine. So you’re not sorry. You’re not sorry I spent what felt like eternity rotting in a world of monsters. That’s great Sam, just what I wanted to hear when I woke up this morning,” he stood up, picking up his plate and heading toward the sink. Evidently, he no longer had an appetite.

“That’s not what I said, Dean,” Sam turned to continue facing Dean as he maneuvered around the kitchen. “It’s not like I’m happy you went to Purgatory, and I know that it was very traumatic for you, and I understand that you were angry and hurt when you got out, but I did not deserve all the guilt you threw on me. I did what I thought was right, I mourned you, Dean. I thought you were dead for good.”

Sam sighed deeply, “Yes, Dean, the future matters, but the past does too. It’s made us into who we are, and … sure, we kickass but we also –”

“Yeah, except that’s not what we do!” Dean yelled, “we don’t just give up on each other,” and Sam felt like they’d transported themselves back in time. A part of him regretted bringing this up; wanted to curl up into a ball, tell Dean he was right, apologize, go back to his room and leave things as they were. But he’d realized that how unhealthy that was, and he fought against that instinct.

He reminded himself that it was the present. That Dean had been out of purgatory for years and a lot had changed. “What about when Cas died,” he asked, trying his best not to raise his voice. He didn’t want this to be an attack, just a counterargument, although he worried Dean would get defensive either way, “by some miracle we got him back, but you didn’t want to try anything to bring him back. You burned his body. You gave up. You mourned. Did that mean you cared any less about him? No, you just didn’t know how to save him.”

Surprisingly, Dean’s anger seemed to lower to a quiet simmer. He set his jaw, taking a deep breath. “Ok,” he said, “I’m – I shouldn’t have yelled. This is an old argument anyway. Things’ve changed; we’ve changed. Listen, I don’t – I know you’ll have my back in the future, that’s what matters.”

He cut off, not sure if it was wise to say. An observation Eileen had made about how their family seemed to work that had left him feeling a little unsettled, especially because it was so true. 

“What, Sam?” Dean asked, pinching the bridge of his nose. He seemed completely done with this conversation, but he wasn’t leaving. 

Sam sighed, “You and I – and hell, even Cas – have been stuck in this loop for years now. With you as the moral authority on everything, you always have the last say. But, I’m sick of apologizing. I’m sick of putting my head down and letting you have your way.”

“Sam, what the hell are you talking about?” Dean exclaimed, “I listen to you!”

“Yeah, when it suits you,” Sam shot back

“And you’re your own person, anyway, you can do whatever you want.”

“Yeah, and I do,” Sam said, “but if it’s not what you want, I usually have to do it behind your back.”

“Ok, so now you’re blaming me for the fact that you’re a liar?”

“Dean, would you stop!?” Sam yelled, “I’m trying … I’m trying to get you to own up to the fact that you have hurt me! Ok?” Dean turned away but Sam had a feeling he was rolling his eyes, “I mean, yeah, you took care of me, you’ve protected me, you’ve always been there for me, and I’m grateful, I am!” he said, although he sounded anything but grateful, “but you’ve also hurt me. I mean … ever since … and I know this was ages ago but it’s seared into my memory; that voicemail you left me, right before I went to kill Lillith. You called me a bloodsucking freak and told me you were on your way to kill me … I think, ever since then I’ve been … afraid,” Dean turned around again, his eyes wide, “afraid of you … seeing me that way. So I just … I apologize, I let you be right –”

“No, hold up,” Dean said, cutting Sam off with a gesture. He was looking at Sam like he had been speaking a foreign language, “I never said that.”

Sam shook his head, exasperated, “Dean, you might not remember, I know you probably weren’t thinking straight – God knows I wasn’t – but it happened, ok. I know it did.”

“No,” Dean insisted, “I do remember, I left you a voice mail. I did, but that was not what I said.”

Sam looked at his brother incredulously, “Dean, are you seriously trying to gaslight me right now?” he said with an ironic laugh, “that is … you’re unbelievable.”

“No,” Dean advanced on Sam, “that’s not – I mean I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I was on my way to save you. I never would’ve even thought that killing you was the answer … I just, I – I couldn’t.”

But Dean cut him off, “No, shut up Sam,” he said, “You’re right, ok? You’re right. I have put you through some real crap. I have said horrible things to you, and the whole situation with Gadreel … I didn’t think. I didn’t … I didn’t know what it was like to be possessed, to lose your autonomy like that I …” his voice caught in his throat. Sam felt sucker punched. He hadn’t been ready to talk about Gadreel, that was something he tried desperately not to think about, but he saw tears forming in Dean’s eyes, “And after Charlie died? I was … the Mark was messing with me Sam, but that’s no excuse. What I said? I didn’t mean it. And I know, ok? I know I have a lot to apologize for. And I am … sorry, I am,” he took a deep breath, he wasn’t letting Sam get a word in edgewise, but this all seemed like it was very hard for him to admit, “I always think that people will just – that they’ll just get it, y’know? That they can see that I’m sorry, I try to … make up for stuff without having a conversation, but … you’re right. We need to talk about this. We can’t just forget about it.”

Dean seemed so convinced he was telling the truth, but Sam couldn’t accept it. This was one of those memories that, despite the years that had passed, despite everything else they had gone through, remained clearly stamped in his mind. It was the day he realized Dean’s love was a conditional one. He knew Dean would go to the ends of the earth for him, but deep down he always wondered … where was the line? What were the conditions which, once he failed to fulfill them, would make him lose the only thing that had every really mattered to him?

“You know what Dean, maybe this was a mistake,” Sam said, “we just don’t … I shouldn’t have sprung this on you first thing in the morning,” he hated himself for saying it, for crawling back into his shell, trying to placate Dean, to keep the peace in their little family. 

Now it was Sam’s turn to stare in shock. Dean was looking down somberly, obviously trying to fight down a well of emotion. He slowly raised his eyes to meet Sam’s. 

“I’m sorry, Sammy,” he said earnestly, “I’m sorry that I hurt you, I’m sorry that I blamed you for things that weren’t your fault, I’m sorry that … that I scare you sometimes. I’m sorry that I still act like Dad. And you don’t have to forgive me, not for everything, not right away.”

Sam breathed out, he felt a weight lifting off his chest. For so long he had been carrying guilt that didn’t belong to him and finally he was starting to feel like he had permission to let it go.

“But Sam,” Dean continued, “I was never going to give up on you. I don’t know what happened to that voicemail, but I need you to believe me. You’re my brother, and there’s nothing you could ever do to change that. There is no line, no conditions, I have your back. Always.”  

And, for some reason, Sam started to believe him. He knew the extents to which their lives could be manipulated, he knew how desperately Heaven and Hell had wanted him to break that seal. Maybe someone had changed the recording somehow, meaning to push him over the edge. Whatever had happened, Dean was adamant that he hadn’t said what Sam remembered. There was no final straw. 

“Thank you, Dean,” Sam said, because he wasn’t going to say, “it’s alright,” because it still wasn’t. And he wasn’t going to say “I forgive you” because … there was a lot to forgive. But this was an important step. 

Dean nodded in understanding. They stood in silence for a moment, neither knowing quite what to say, then Dean turned to leave. 

“Listen, Dean,” Sam said hesitantly, “I think it would be … healthy for us to take some time away from each other. Nothing permanent but just … a break.”

Dean pursed his lips and Sam was worried he would reject the idea, but he just said, “yeah, yeah I think you’re right.”

Sam sighed in relief, “Um… Eileen and I can take off for a bit –”

“No,” Dean said, “No, you stay here with Jack.” Sam met his gaze and Dean quickly added, “I mean … if you don’t mind. It’s just … Cas and I have a few things we should probably discuss and I … I’m trying not to shout so much in front of the kid.” He looked chagrined, probably because of all the shouting he’d just done, which had likely been heard by everyone in the bunker. 

Sam smiled a little bit, glad that Dean was trying to be less authoritative, and at the thought of Dean and Cas starting to unravel their own messy history. With the help of Eileen’s outside perspective, Sam had really started seeing all the unhealthy patterns they’d been caught up in. 

“Sounds like a good idea to me,” he said, “lets run it by Eileen and Cas and see how everyone feels.”

“Great,” Dean said, “I’m just gonna –” he started heading toward the hallway, likely to his room, but he paused, “I really am sorry, Sam.”

Sam nodded in response, “I know that now Dean, I believe you.”

Dean looked like he might have more to say, then thought better of it, responded with a nod of his own, and left Sam standing in the kitchen. 

Although the conversation had been … turbulent, to say the least, Sam felt good. They certainly hadn’t said everything that needed to be said, and obviously overcoming their unhealthy patterns would take time and effort but … Sam felt like they had hope. And he finally felt like he had permission to search for happiness outside of his codependent relationship with his brother.

[moonfurthetemmie]

Ahoi

For my first trick on tumblr, I present to you...this. Don’t ask. Just take it.

I wanted to do something with Champ ok he doesn’t get enough love-

Oh, Champion is DS Dream’s dog. In case you were wondering.

How To Get Lord Dream to Platonically Hang Out (and maybe dog-sit Champion once in a while)

It wasn’t entirely an accident you ended up with Champion at your house.

You were heading to the animal shelter to adopt a second dog; Charlie was lonely when you were out and about.

On your way there, you found a beautiful husky digging through trash from a can he or someone else had tipped over.

His fur was nice and clean-except for his muzzle and paws, of course!-so you knew he wasn’t a stray.

Since you were walking with Charlie, you couldn’t get close. You didn’t know if this dog was friendly. But Charlie bowed down on his front paws like he wanted to play, and barked at him.

The husky stopped its foraging and turned to us, his ears pricked.

You were afraid he was going to get aggressive, but he just started wagging his tail and padded over. He stopped very near Charlie and, after sniffing him for a moment, got into the same play bow.

Well, you thought, that’s much better than a dog fight.

But, of course, you could now see the husky’s collar. Your initial assumption was right; he’s wasn’t a stray. So who’s was he? Where did he come form?

“Hey, buddy,” you called. “Come here. I want to look at your tag.”

The husky tilted his head at you. He must’ve been a full-grown dog, but he was adorable.

“Come!” You tried again.

This time, the dog got up and padded over to you. Charlie jumped and tried to play with him, but the husky nosed him away.

“Charlie, no.” You tugged on his leash, not hard.

The husky sat down in front of you and patiently waited. He’d obviously been well-trained.

Thankfully, he had his tags on him. Some owners don’t put the tags on their dog’s collar. That never made sense to you; those tags were how people contacted you about your lost pooch. Why wouldn’t you put them on?

“Champion,” you read. “Is that your name?”

Champion wagged his tail.

“Aw, you’re so cute.” You flipped the tag over.

If lost, please call this number:

Below that was a number.

You scratched Champion behind his ears and pulled out you phone.

You dialed the number. After a few rings, it went to voicemail.

“Hello. You have reached the personal phone of Dream von Licht. If you have business with Justice Reigns, please call our business phone. If your reason for calling was personal, please leave a message.”

The beep sounded, signaling you were now recording.

“Uh-“

What the hell were you supposed to say? The last person on any earth you had expected to be Campion’s owner was the CEO of the largest crime-fighting organization in existence.

You cleared your throat. “I, um, found Champion without his person. If you get a chance, call me back and...yeah.” You laughed nervously. “Sorry; I wasn’t expecting it to be you, Lord Dream. I’m, er, awkward. B-bye.”

You hung up and groaned in frustration. Why did you have to be so awkward? You could’ve done that so much better!

Ugh. Whatever.

You guessed you should take Champion home.

“Let’s go, Champion,” you said. “I’ll get you some food, alright?”

Champion obediently stood and walked home with you.

Charlie kept trying to get him to play, but Champion knew how to behave on a leash. Even though there was no leash.

“You’re a very good boy,” you told him. He gave you a doggy grin and wagged his tail.

He knows he’s a good boy. Adorable.

Your house was only a block away from where you’d found him, so you got there quickly.

You opened the door and Charlie, the proud little boxer he is, pranced right inside. Champion hesitated, but you reached into my pocket and pulled out the bag of treats you brought.

“Come on, bud!” you said. “It’s alright.”

Champion carefully sniffed the treat. Then, he snapped it up and came inside.

“That was easy,” you muttered to myself.

Your house wasn’t very big, but you lived alone so it felt like a mansion. It’s a bedroom, a kitchen, a living room, a bathroom, and a guest room that you used to do all your important stuff.

Once you took Charlie’s leash off and gave him his goodie, he hung around to see if you’d give him anymore. You didn’t. At least, not right away.

Champion watched for a minute, then came up and sat nicely.

“No more,” you said. “That’s it!”

Champion gave a little whine. He really wanted a goodie.

Charlie did his go-to trick for a treat; he sneezed.

“Oh good god-“

You gave them both another goodie. Champion snapped it up greedily and eagerly waited for more.

He was one of those dogs that tried to convince you that no one ever loved them at home, which was proof that he was well-loved.

Lord Dream must miss him a lot.

Once they’d realized you weren’t going to stand there and give them treats all day, Charlie trotted over to one of his toys.

It was one of those stuffed animals with a squeaker, made specifically for dogs who are power chewers.

He grabbed it and bounded over to Champion, going into his play bow again.

Champion sniffed at it. In a matter of seconds, they were happily playing tug.

You watched for a few minutes.

Charlie was a super friendly dog, so you weren’t really surprised he’d gotten Champion, a strange dog, to play with him.

But you were surprised how easily Champion had trusted you. Even the friendliest dogs are usually more trouble.

You wondered when Lord Dream would get your message.

“Ink!”

Ink flinched. “I know! I’m sorry!”

Dream didn’t often get angry, but when his dog was concerned, he could get very emotional.

His golden eyes, usually so calm and welcoming, were hard and piercing.

“Why did you let him go?!?”

Ink looked down. “I- I didn’t mean to! The damn squirrel came out of nowhere and surprised me, I didn’t think he’d run after it-“

“He’s a dog, Ink, of course he’d run after a squirrel!” Dream sighed in exasperation, rubbing his forehead. “Go back to where you last saw him. Take someone with you. Don’t come back until you’ve either found him, or the sun starts to set. Understand?”

Ink nodded quickly and left.

Dream put his face in his hands.

On top of everything else, Ink just had to loose control of Champ. Great. Just perfect.

He didn’t notice his phone buzzing on his desk.

Several hours later, Ink and his companion came back without Champion.

“I’m so sorry,” the other human said. He truly was; although Dream didn’t miss the accusing glare the man sent at Ink.

Ink looked ashamed, but Dream knew that he was more scared of being in trouble.

“It’s alright,” Dream muttered. “I’m sure you both did your best.”

They both nodded. Dream sent them off, but Ink lingered.

“Do you need something?” Dream asked him. “I advise you to speak quickly; I’m not your biggest fan at the moment.”

“R-right,” Ink said. “I just thought...if you put your number on his name tag, maybe someone found him and tried to contact you? I know you always have your ringer off, so...maybe you didn’t notice?”

Dream stared at him.

Why the heck didn’t he think of that?!?

He reached for his phone, and indeed, he had a voicemail from an unknown number.

He let it play, Ink still in the office.

It was like a weight had been lifted off Dream’s shoulders.

Now hopefully, this person wasn’t the kind of human who would use his fur baby to blackmail him.

He dialed the person back, signaling Ink to leave.

You were stirred out of your light snooze to hear a phone buzzing. Whomst…?

You blinked and realized that there was more that one furry creature lying next to you.

Oh, right. You had Champion now.

…
Oh shit was that Lord Dream calling-

You fell out of bed in your haste to answer the steady ringing.

“H-hello, this is Y/N?”

“Good evening,” Said a very calm voice. “I believe I received a voicemail from you about my dog, Champion?”

“Ah, right. Big husky, likes affection and treats?”

The man on the other end chuckled. “Yes, that’s him. Thank you so much for finding him.”

You scratched the back of your head. You never really knew what to do with gratitude.

“I-it’s not a big deal,” you said. “I was taking Charlie for a walk and saw Champion digging through some trash.”

“Either way,” Dream said, “I was anxious.”

You chuckle. “I understand. I’d be frantic if I lost Charlie. He’s smart, for a dog, but he doesn’t have the best sense of self-preservation.”

Dream laughed. “Say, how have Champ and Charlie been getting along? Champ isn’t always the most sociable.”

You looked over where Champion and Charlie had taken over your bed and were snuggled in the most comfortable dog pile you’d ever seen.

“They’re currently asleep, and Charlie has his head on Champion’s belly. Take a guess.”

Dream sighed in what sounded like relief. “That’s good. Can I meet you in the morning to pick him up?”

“Sure!” You say. “Uh, do you know where the dog park is?”

“I do not,” Dream admitted, “But I can certainly find it. What’s it called?”

“Doggo’s,” You said. “One of the dog monsters started it up since he saw there weren’t any already in town. He just named it after himself.” You laughed, remembering the blind monster you’d become friends with. He and his fellow canines Dogamy, Dogaresa, Lesser Dog, and Greater Dog often mooched treats off of you. Occasionally, a smaller dog would come and absorb a tennis ball, then run off.

“Alright,” Dream said. You heard a scribbling sound, and you assumed he was writing that down. “Thank you again.”

“Don’t mention it,” You said. “What time would be good for you?”

“How does nine sound?” He asked.


“That’s fine,” You agreed. “See you then, I guess?”

You heard the tell-tale sounds of someone unwelcome entering the room and saying very loudly, “Hi, Dream! What are you doing?” on the other end. Dream muted the line, but not before you heard him say, in a very sharp tone, “Blue, what in god’s name-“

After sixty seconds, he unmuted it and said, “I’m terribly sorry about that. I’ll be looking forward to see you and Champ tomorrow morning.”

You were tempted to ask who the heck had the balls to break into his house or wherever he was, but decided that that was a terrible idea. Instead you simply said, “Goodnight.” and let him return the farewell before hanging up.

Dream set down his phone. He turned to Blue, who had tried to take his phone and ask who was on the other end. Probably to ask if it was a date. Ugh, Blue.

“Do you have any respect for anyone?” Dream asked through gritted teeth.

Blue, currently hiding under Dream’s desk, grinned. “Why on earth would I?”

Dream sighed in annoyance. “I’m not sure why I asked. Get out, before I kick you out.”

Dream let Blue out from under his desk and glared at him.

“May I ask who that was?” Blue said.

“You can,” Dream replied. “That doesn’t mean I will tell you.”

Blue’s grin grew. “Ooh, secrets, ‘my lord’? How suspicious! Well then, it must be a date, and I’m double curious.”

Dream resisted the urge to groaned.

“Out,” He growled. “Now.”

Blue shrugged. “Alright, alright. But I’ll figure out who it is eventually~”

“And you’ll be sorely disappointed,” Dream muttered. God; why did he have to make every little thing difficult? “Why are you here again?”

“I got bored,” Blue admitted. “Your brother and his friends are avoiding me, if you can imagine.” Blue pretended to be shocked and offended.

Dream rolled his eye lights. “I’m sure I can’t.”

Blue gave him a little wave as he left through the door.”

Welp. There went that problem, and surprisingly easily.

Knowing Blue, he’d probably follow him to Doggo’s and see who he was ‘dating’.

You checked your phone for the time. It was only 8:58, but it felt like it should’ve been later.

You’d only come like five minutes early, jeez.

Charlie and Champion were off on the other side of the dog park, playing with another dog, a big brown wall of fur named Brutus. A small bear would probably describe him better.

Brutus’s owner, a nice man whom you sort of knew, was sitting on a bench, watching the three of the be idiots.

“Charlie getting lonely?” The man asked, pulling you out of your thoughts.

“Hm? Oh, Champion. Sort of? I didn’t adopt him; I found him. He got lost. His owner should be coming around nine.”

The man nodded in understanding. “They must’ve been worried,” he said.

You thought back to the conversation you’d had with the CEO. He’d spoken calmly, but you could hear the relief in his voice.

“Yeah…he was.”

You suddenly spotted something in the corner of your eye.

…Holy crap the rumors were true.

You honestly didn’t believe that Lord Dream had giant glowy bird wings, but that couldn’t possibly anyone else.

And he was opening the gate to the dog park.

The man looked over, and his eye’s just about popped out of their sockets.

“Holy Moses- is that-“

“I think so,” you said. The three dogs stopped. Champion immediately ran over as fast as his little dog legs could carry him. The guy you assumed to be Lord Dream crouched down and greeted the husky enthusiastically.

“Yeah, definitely.”

The man stared at you but you walked over.

“Good morning!” You called. Lord Dream looked up. His golden eyes were full of relief. Champion just about knocked him over with his big husky paws.

“Good morning,” he replied. “Champ, down!” But he was laughing.

Even the most stoic and impassive business man has to have some good in them, if they have a dog.

...Unless they’re one of those horrible people who abuse their dog, but we don’t talk about them.

“Lord Dream, I assume?” You asked, trying not to laugh as the man failed to stop his excited pooch from licking his face.

“Yes,” he managed to say. “And I presume you’re Y/N?”

“That’s me,” you said. Champion was trying very hard to knock over his dad.

Charlie came trotting over, his tail and ears up, and wagged his tail at Lord Dream.

“Charlie,” you laughed, “leave him alone!”

But Charlie wasn’t as well trained as Champ, and tried to get in on the affection Dream was giving.

“Thank you so much,” Lord Dream said again. There was visible relief on his face. You got the feeling that he rarely showed this to anyone.

“It’s no problem,” you assured him again. “Really.”

Dream finally started petting Charlie. Charlie was very happy about this. He gave a little doggy grin and his tail wagged faster.

Then, he and Champ ran off again. Charlie preceded running to playing tug, so Champion ended up chasing him around and around. It was dizzying to watch, but at least they were having fun.

“Eight legs,” you said, “One brain cell.”

Lord Dream laughed. He watched Champ and Charlie almost plow into Brutus, who’d tiredly plopped himself down, but now he was up and running too. He was fast for a small bear. Champion, only slightly smaller, was still faster.

“They’re certainly having fun,” Lord Dream noted.

You shrug. “Dogs will be dogs. And Charlie gets along with almost everyone he meets. I’m not really surprised.”

“Almost?” Dream asked.

You snickered at the memory. “There was this guy. He was an asshole. He was hitting on me, but talking shit about the kind of dog Charlie was, which you really shouldn’t do to someone if your trying to take them in a date, and Charlie may or may not have goosed him. In the rudest way I’ve ever seen a dog goose anyone.”

Lord Dream chuckled. “Dogs are amazing creatures,” he said. “They have ways of knowing when you’re upset, or when someone is bothering you.”

“Yeah...”

You two lingered for a while longer, until your dogs were so tired they laid down in the grass and panted, tails still wagging.

“I should probably get home,” you said. “It was nice meeting you!”

“As should I,” Lord Dream said. “Champion, come!”

“Charlie! Come on, let’s go for a ride!”

Charlie looked up at you like, ‘what, you want me to get up?’

Champion hauled himself up and tiredly padded over to Lord Dream, plopped his rear end down on his foot, and leaned on his leg.

Lord Dream chuckled and scratched his ears.

“I missed you too,” Lord Dream told him, pulling his leash from his jacket pocket. “Let’s go home.”

Charlie, upon seeing Champion start to leave, jumped up and ran over. Champion stopped at the gate to tell Charlie goodbye, but Charlie whined and cried.

Champion, in turn, nosed Charlie like, ‘ah, come on! It’ll be alright!’

You and Lord Dream looked at each other.

“Um...you know, Charlie and I usually come here around five in the afternoon,” you said. “If you and Champ wanted to come back and play with Charlie.”

Lord Dream smiled. “I’ll keep that in mind. Have a good day, and thank you again!”

It’s a thing now; going to the dog park and chilling with Dream while your idiot dogs run around. It’s great. A lot of the other dog owners are friends with him now, too.

After all, it is a well-known fact that dog owners are friendly. If Dream has a dog, he can’t be as imposing as he looks in press conferences.

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2017

Not a very good year for hit songs. Still better than the next one, though.

And a very satisfying #1 that launched an entire infodump about a specific band. I’m not even sorry.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

2017 might not sound super distant, but it’s already distant enough to analyse what started to happen to me that year with some clarity. This is when I started to lose some of my energy and motivation. A lot, in fact. Everything suddenly felt exhausting and this whole “what’s even the point of anything” mentality started to fall on my shoulders. And you know what, at first, while making these recaps, I had no idea what started it all. Was it that super rare infection I caught in early 2018 and almost made me lose a part of a finger? Was it both my grandfathers dying in mid 2018? Was it the general state of the world? But no, I did some digging and noticed this general exhaustion actually started right during summer 2017 and I was like what the f█ck happened in summer 2017? That summer was fine?

And then it clicked. I know exactly what kickstarted my spiral into about 18 months of depression, and it’s got nothing to do with health or family. It’s something that shouldn’t have affected my life in any way, and that I kinda tried to ignore at the time, and some of you might even find me overdramatic or cringy for letting it affect my life. But yeah, as I’ve realised while making these lists, Linkin Park was actually a super important part of my life, so it makes perfect sense: what started it all was Chester Bennington killing himself. Clearly, someone who had contributed so much to convince me that life was worth living and who suddenly decided it wasn’t worth it, that had a huge impact on me, whether I wanted it or not.

Aaaand now I’m crying again. Great.

Anyway. Uh. Important albums that year! Yeah so uh. Depeche Mode made Spirit and it wasn’t good, and so I kinda lost faith they would ever make a great album again, but I did realise one of my teenage dreams and saw them in concert in the Stade de France in July 2017 (it was huge. Going home after that felt like waking up from some sort of hypnotic trance. They even played Walking In My Shoes, one of my absolute favorite songs from them, along with a video featuring a trans person going to work and I started to bawl my eyes out in the middle of the f█cking crowd). Nine Inch Nails also made Add Violence and continued to be super good, and Indochine made 13, and while it wasn’t nearly as good as Black City Parade, it was also better than La République des Météors, so I was pretty happy about that. EDIT: Forgot about Under Your Spell by The Birthday Massacre, which blew my goddamn mind, but still not as much as the next album I'm gonna talk about.

But the defining album of the year, to me, was Mike Oldfield making a sequel to my favorite album from him, with Return to Ommadawn. Of course it’s not as good as Ommadawn. But still. If Ommadawn felt like discovering a new strange country full of weird folklore and forests and mysterious buildings, Return to Ommadawn feels like going back there half a century later and seeing things in ruins and wounded people, but still trying to seek beauty and joy in a partly destroyed landscape. It makes perfect sense considering the circumstances that surround the making of this thing, and it was the only way to make a good sequel to such a legendary album.

Unelligible songs that piss me off... uh, actually there’s only Cut to the Feeling by Carly Rae Jepsen. Why wasn’t it a huge hit. Come to think of it, why hasn’t any Carly Rae song been a huge hit since Good Times. This feels unfair.

Time for some honorable mentions, then.

Feels and also Slide (Calvin Harris and a lot of other people) - Got nothing to say about either of these songs, but they’re both pretty good.

Katchi (Ofenbach) - Nice little earworm.

No Roots (Alice Merton) - Super surprised this was a hit. Good.

OK (Robin Schulz ft James Blunt) - That’s a James Blunt song in the year of our lord 2017 and it sounds actually good??

What About Us (Pink) - Really caught my attention and made me wonder if I should listen to Pink again after a long streak of mediocre Pink songs.

Congratulations (Post Malone) - I find the song mostly boring but the guest verse ending with “uh, Malone... I gotta play on my phone...” is the stuff of legends and that got a chuckle out of me every time I heard it.

Glorious (Macklemore) - I’m glad this was a hit here but at the same time it’s not my favorite song from him. The music video is adorable, though.

Fly (Odyssey) - Nothing to say about that one.

XO Tour Life (Lil Uzi Vert) - The fact that I was regularly humming this is either a sign of quality or yet another sign I was depressed as shit.

Devil in Me (Purple Disco Machine) - What a great artist name.

Symphony (Clean Bandit) - Nothing to say here either, just good sound all around.

Attention (Charlie Puth) - 2017: The Year Charlie Puth Made A Great Song.

All Stars (Martin Solveig & Alma) - The last cut. It was on the list at some point. I really like it a lot, though.

And now, the list. The stuff I genuinely love starts at #6 and things that are still on my mp3 player to this day start at #4.

10 - Chained to the Rhythm (Katy Perry)

US: #73 / FR: #10

I just love the concept of a Katy Perry song about how Katy Perry songs are happy nonsense distracting you from actual issues. What can I say, I’m a sucker for meta stuff.

9 - Water Under The Bridge (Adele)

US: #88 / FR: Not on the list

An Adele song projecting actual positive energy!? That automatically goes on the list.

8 - Praying (Kesha)

US: #67 / FR: Not on the list

You know I mostly dislike slow emotional songs regardless of how good they actually are. I will, however, make an exception for this one even though I very rarely listen to it considering how emotionally taxing it is. That’s definitely a fantastic song, though.

7 - Viens On S’aime (Slimane)

US: Not on the list / FR: #53

“Listen, we love each other, f█ck it, f█ck their words and their decorum, listen, we love each other, f█ck it, f█ck their ideas and what they’re saying”. Well said, dude, well said.

6 - There’s Nothing Holding Me Back (Shawn Mendes)

US: #23 / FR: #91

That’s a very good song for running and that is becoming increasingly rarer, so I’ll take what I can get.

5 - Paris (The Chainsmokers)

US: #42 / FR: Not on the list (that’s irony for you)

Unlike Closer this is an unrelatable song about rich young people that can afford to live in Paris just “to get away from [their] parents” but honestly that’s the only negative thing I have to say against it. It sounds fantastic.

4 - Castle On The Hill (Ed Sheeran)

US: #40 / FR: #50

We’ve now entered the realm of songs that are still on my mp3 player to this day. This is the only Ed Sheeran song I’ve ever liked, and I love it. It sounds like a lost U2 song. Maybe from a strange dimension where U2 became more fragile and emotional instead of more pretentious.

I have no idea why this guy keeps making such boring stuff when he’s got that kind of song in him. I have no clue.

3 - Something Just Like This (Coldplay & The Chainsmokers)

US: #5 / FR: #19

Hey so Coldplay is still on my lists, apparently. It’s a bit too slow, some lyrics about superheros don’t make much sense, and the drop isn’t super good, but my god, that guitar near the end makes everything worth it. Just amazing colors and textures all around.

It’s not even my favorite song on that EP! I think Miracles (Someone Special) is even better, but eh, this one is a close second.

2 - 24k Magic (Bruno Mars)

US: #16 / FR: Not on the list (#13 in 2016 but I put it on the 2017 list instead)

Am I the only one to like this more than Uptown Funk? It’s so much fun to sing along to it. And unlike Uptown Funk, it’s making me feel nostalgic for an era I actually (vaguely) knew, the super colorful and ridiculous early 90s. My s.o loves it too and when it comes up on the radio or on our playlists you can bet we’re both going PUT YOUR. PINKY. RINGS UP. TO THE. MOOOOOOOON like two idiots.

This is the song I could have put on the previous list but elected to put on this list instead since it was elligible for both years, by the way! Since 2017 was less good than 2016, I thought it would be more interesting to save such a great song for later.

It would have topped the list too, if it wasn’t for something I didn’t expect to be elligible before reading the French year-end list.

Strap yourselves in, because I had no real opportunity to talk about this band at length in the posts made for the years when it was the most relevant in my life, so this is going to be quite long.

1 - La Vie Est Belle (Indochine)

US: Not on the list / FR: #44

As you already know if you remember some of my previous lists, Indochine is a band I started to love right in the middle of the absolute worst years of my life. These guys had been around since the 80s as a super successful new wave band, then became very unpopular and went underground for about twelve years in the entire 90s, then one of them died, then every member except the singer basically rotated, and then they suddenly re-emerged in 2002-2003 with Paradize, a monster of an album, full of energy, sinister themes and weird provocative songs, and an entire generation of angsty teenagers (me included as you can guess) embraced it wholeheartedly.

And all of a sudden Indochine was the favorite French mainstream band of local young punk/goths! So many kids with the Indochine logo in highschool. Nowadays the band is mocked and well-loved in equal doses by just about everyone, but I suspect it’s just because we’ve all grown up.

Placebo, Linkin Park and Indochine were the bands that ruled my entire world in 2003/2004. My mother hated all three of them, because of course she did, but especially Indochine, because according to her it was partly their fault if I was gender non-conforming. See, she used to say, they had put all kinds of bad ideas in my head and now I was all messed up.

...Holy shit, that’s a lot of blame to put on a ridiculous new wave band who’s first hit song from 1983 is just a long nonsensical list of shitty old Bob Morane pulp novels.

But here’s the problem. Even if Indochine kept having hit song after hit song, those were never the best songs on their albums. Here I am, 31, making these top ten lists since last December, and becoming more and more frustrated to see none of my favorite modern Indochine songs are elligible. My favorite Paradize singles were Mao Boy, Popstitute and especially Marilyn (god, this song rocked my entire year alongside Placebo’s The Bitter End. 2003 was such a fantastic year for dark energetic hit songs)? Too bad, the biggest hits were J’ai demandé à la lune and Le Grand Secret. Alice & June had four fantastic singles? Too bad, none of them is elligible! Same thing for the entirety of Black City Parade. Oh, but that song I hate from La Republique des Météors is elligible, I guess!

So we’re in summer 2017, and my life is completely different now, and Indochine releases La Vie Est Belle (I’m linking the album version and not the music video because it has some violent themes in it). I’m in my car doing some errands and the local radio goes “hey new song from Indochine” and I’m like “oh shit, gotta hear this” and then two minutes later “oh wow, that is super good. Won’t be a hit though”.

And yet, it was a hit! It became huge, even! And at that point I was already loving that song even though I thought it was just a super good but tragic love song about a significant other dying too young.

And then, about a month later, the wordplay of the first line finally hit me with the force of a semitruck. It’s not a love song. It’s a song about the singer’s dead twin. Who died in 1999.

It’s such a devastating, beautiful song, and yet it’s full of energy. I. adore. it. It’s exactly the kind of song you need to continue to fight and to live and to help other people in this day and age. “Life is beautiful and cruel, it looks like us sometimes” indeed. And it’s one of the best on the album, too!

So yes, 15 years after I first fell in love with this band and after they helped me during super dark times, finally, I can put one of their songs at the top of one of these lists, hands down, no debate whatsoever.

That probably sounds ridiculous but it’s genuinely making me feel extremely emotional.

Next up: I thought music sucked that year because I was depressed but I relistened to it and no it wasn’t just me

[crushedbyhyperbole]

Beyond Broken - Chapter Six

Chapter Summary:  Thor's stalking reaches a new high with the help of a certain former Russian spy. He comes to realise that he's hopelessly addicted to the woman named Jess. Thor gives her a name for himself, and they strike an easy rapport. Weeks on, something suddenly changes and Thor is thrown into a dilemma: kiss the girl or do the honourable thing.

Words:  5.6k

A/N:  Here, Donald Blake is Thor's alter ego. (It's a little nod to the comics.)

Warnings:  Angst, emotional hurt & distress, crying, a really mean argument happens, sexual attraction, soft Thor, first kiss, morale dilemma, guilt, bad language... also Thor is a stalker (but he means well).  Really long chapter - sorry.

New Heights

Thor had accepted that the mystery woman had not wanted his company on her walk back through the park but he did not stay on the promenade.  At a distance he followed her, watching her traverse the foot-worn trails through the brush in the sporadic light of the lampposts.

He watched from the shadows as she met with her fiancé, as he kissed her and they embraced.  With the use of his bionic eye he watched them walk further up the street where they seemed to get into a fight.  He couldn’t make out the words but he could see she was angry, and then terribly sad.  Whatever that man had said or done to her was none of his business but it irritated him nonetheless.

When they both disappeared into an underground parking garage, he thought perhaps they lived there in the building above.   Soon after, a small red Toyota emerged onto the street and disappeared along a side street. Perhaps not then.

There were many things about the woman that he didn’t know, and those were mostly things that he had no right to know, like where she lived or worked for example.  Thor liked to know things, he preferred to be prepared.

The parking garage served the offices and businesses above, of which there was a mixture from legal to health and not surprisingly, an art studio.  It also served as a limited space public parking area.

The art studio is promising.  He thought.

 The next day he went to investigate, disguised as a rich entrepreneur.  He carried a suit very well and had seen enough of Stark’s interactions with people to know how things should be done.  So, wearing the petrol blue three-piece he had worn to the first Avengers press conference and ball, and the large silvery time piece gifted to him by Clint two Christmases ago, he availed himself of the studio’s exhibition.

The paintings were mediocre at best.  In all his years on Asgard, visiting all nine realms, and the years he’d spend here on Midgard, he had never seen anything as unsatisfying as what they produced in this era and called modern art.  The sculptures were better, in particular a twisting metal contraption that spun, creating undulating waves using the motion of each segment.  It looked like a jellyfish propelling itself through the deep ocean.  The kinetic sculpture was powered by a motor inside the gallery but the intent for the piece was for it to be wind powered.

It was beautiful, mesmerising even.

“Good morning, sir.” The smartly dressed assistant approached him.  “Can I show you our video catalogue of kinetic sculptures?”

“What’s the artist like?” He asked aloofly, suddenly disinterested in the motion of the sculpture.

“I don’t quite follow.”

“For me it’s more about the artists journey than the final piece.  The kind of person they are, the things they’ve overcome, their process.  Can you show me some biographicals on your artists instead?  I have a specific need to find a connection.”  Thor could feel himself oozing with charismatic over-confidence and pompousness.

“Certainly, sir.”

The young man scurried away but did not return.  Instead an older lady in a designer pants suit, with a commanding presence approached.

“I understand you wanted to meet the artist.”  She smiled smugly.

“You painted all of these works?”  He spread his arms and gestured largely.

“Save a few.”  She nodded, eyeing him like a snack.

“And the sculptures?”

“Some.”  She drank him in from head to toe.  “I mainly work in clay, like this one.”  She stroked her hand lovingly down a large sculpture shaped like a lady’s forearm, the base was like the roots of a tree and a single leaf sprouted from one of the splayed fingers.  “It’s the tree of life.”  She smiled with pride.

The piece was titled Yggdrasil.

You have no idea what Yggdrasil really is.  He thought.

“Poetic.”  He said, nodding with false appreciation.  “What about the metal-work?”

“My partner.  He works large-scale for public display.”  She flicked her hand dismissively.  “These are the smallest of his works.”

“And it’s just the two of you?”  Thor was starting to despair.

“Yes, we’re a business here, not just a labour of love, Mr…?”

“Blake.”  He supplied languidly.

“Mr Blake?”  She mused over the name.  “British aristocracy?”

“Something like that.” He coughed nervously.  “How could you tell?”

“You have a rarefied air about you.  If I did portraits I’d offer you my services.”  She winked, predatory.

“I’m after something in particular, a connection.  Not a portrait.”

“And what is the budget, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“The price is irrelevant, for the right piece.”  He took another look around, trying not to notice her greedy smirk.  “None of your assistants paint?”

“No, neither of them.” She scowled.

“Are you sure?  I had heard there might be a budding artist in hiding up here.”  He winked at her cheekily.

“You’ve met Alasdair, and She’ree has no skill with a brush.  She is wicked with record keeping but isn’t artistic in any way.”

“Sherry?  The brunette?”

“She’ree.  The redhead.”   She was growing impatient.  “It’s obvious that nothing here has caught your eye, Mr Townsend.”

“Yes,” he blinked disappointingly, “it appears this has been nothing but a wild goose chase.  I apologise for wasting your time, madam.”

 What in Odin’s name was he doing?  Stalking a woman he’d seen out walking her dog?  Visiting places in the hopes of seeing her or finding out more about her?

On his way down in the elevator he noticed an older woman staring intensely at him, unashamed.  He looked away but she did not.  Looking at the floor, the walls, the ceiling, the doors, his shoes, his fingernails, everywhere but her, he endured the ride to the ground floor in uncomfortable self-conscious silence.  A nervous smile and a quick exit later he was striding out of the communal lobby and onto the street.

“There you are!”  A familiar voice stopped his heart.  He panicked.  Stopped dead outside the doorway and stepped immediately left, hiding behind the pillar.  He mentally blessed the girth and steadfastness of the stone feature.

“Did you see that guy?!”

“What guy?”

“The guy who just got off the elevator.”

“What guy?”

“The hunk in the swanky blue suit.”

“I didn’t see a guy.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Come on, we’ll miss all the good tables.”

She was coming. Heading his way.  She’d see him and the game would be up.  She’d be upset, creeped out, disgusted even. She’d tell him to stay away from her and he’d do what she asked, of course he would, but it’d hurt.  Ever since he’d met her he’d felt different, less angry, less loathsome.  She’d calmed his inner storm without him fully realising, until now, the extent of the effect she was having on him.

“I swear if I was twenty years younger I’d be getting arrested for rape.”  The older woman laughed.  “He was beautiful, Jess, absolutely stunning.  My Charlie would be getting a divorce if someone like that walked into my life.  Hell, I’d probably never walk right ever again.”

“Jesus woman, I can practically hear you squelching as you walk.  Do you need a napkin?”

Both laughing heartily, the two women exited, and as they did so, Thor shuffled himself around the column, slotting himself between the stone and the full-length glass of the lobby frontage.  The girl at the desk frowned at him.

He smiled nervously and moved away.  The two women turned the corner and he was suddenly safe.  And now he had a name.  Jess.  Why hadn’t he looked closer at the woman in the elevator?  He could remember next to nothing about her except that her hair was short and light, that her eyes were brown and made him uncomfortable, and that she wore dark coloured formal attire.  There were no clues at all.

He racked his brain for information.  He hadn’t even seen his mystery woman, only heard her voice.  There was a chance that he had been mistaken, and it hadn’t even been her.

You know in your heart it was her.  He pepped himself up.  Now remember more!

 It was useless.  The more he plundered the memory the fainter it became until he could barely hear his mystery woman’s voice in his head.

This is wrong.  He berated himself.  She’s taken.  You should just let her go.  There’s nothing for you but heartache and a knee to the groin.  If you’re lucky, just heartache.

He couldn’t argue with the facts but it didn’t change the other fact that he’d become different since he’d met her.  The small amount of interaction he’d had with her had lifted him out of the gutter and back on his feet.  Imagine what getting to know her better could achieve.  He was attracted to her, certainly, but sex wasn’t the ultimate goal.  He decided he’d be happy just to have her in his life.  A friend, someone he could share things with, good and bad.

So stop the creeping.

“Ok, fine!”  He huffed aloud.

  That evening, after he watched Jess meet her fiancé at Neptune’s coffee shop, watched him kiss her and hand the dog off to her before dashing away, Thor realised that he had no willpower, couldn’t be trusted and also he decieved himself all too often. Telling himself he’d stop stalking her had been a bare-faced lie.  Well, almost. Instead, he was stalking the fiancé.

Thor tailed him six blocks to a small hotel by the lighthouse, right near where Thor lived. He knew that the man made it back to meet Jess by ten pm, so what could the fiancé of a beautiful woman like her possibly be doing going to a hotel several nights a week?

Thor disliked the man before, but now he was disgusted.

 Jogging back along the promenade he made it to marker twelve later than usual.  Jess was already there, sitting in his seat.

“Stealing my seat now?”

“You snooze, you lose.” Her smile was mischievous.  “I thought for a moment you’d found a better spot.”

“This is definitely the best spot.”

“You sure you’re not holding out on me?”

“Certainly not.”

“Alright.”  She looked at him with suspicion.  “You keep your secrets.”  She gave him a tiny wink.

Talking to her that evening he could only think of the betrayal that was happening at that very moment in a hotel room a little over a mile away.  Where did she think her fiancé went while she was here walking their dog?

 When she left their communal spot to meet back up with her fiancé again Thor followed.  The man looked crumpled, dishevelled, flustered. How could she not notice that?  It wasn’t Thors place to judge.  Maybe she was so in love that she didn’t see, aand discover her fiancé’s treachery would break her heart.

 The next day Thor used the communicator.

“Romanoff,” he rumbled, “It’s Thor.  Yes, yes, I know you know who I am.  Listen, I need a favour.”

He asked the former spy to get him some information on who had been staying at the hotel by the lighthouse the previous night.

“It’s a personal project.” He said vaguely when she questioned him. “I need to find someone.”

“Any thoughts on when you’re coming back?  Steve is worried about you.”

“Tell him I’m fine. Tell him I said hello.”

“I’ll email you what I find.”

“Great, Thank you.”

 Romanoff was thorough and efficient.  There were only four rooms booked at the hotel that night.  One a couple from Canada.  One a lady who had been staying there since Monday and was due to leave on Sunday – promising.  One a conference suite rented by the hour – also promising.  And one an elderly gentleman there for one night.

There were additional notes and photographs attached.  Romanoff had pulled driver’s licences, addresses and a flurry of other information from the SHIELD and law enforcement databases.  The elderly gentleman apparently lived in Florida but visited New London once a year on the anniversary of his wife’s death.  Not him then.  The woman was staying in the hotel for a week while her house was repaired, after all the recent rainfall, her basement had been flooded and needed significant repair. Ooops.  That just left the conference suite.

It had been rented on an ongoing basis by a Mr Charles S. Duffy.  Charles was an investment banker living right here in New London.  Age 58. Married, with one child [DECEASED].  Vehicle:  Silver Ford Explorer.  The plate number was right there too.

Thor sent a reply requesting more info on Duffy’s activities at the hotel, and received CCTV footage of the man entering the hotel and various cameras tracking his movements into the Seaview Suite - as the name on the door said.  A short while after, a tall man looking very much like Jess’s fiancé entered the suite also.  Both men emerge from the suite within minutes of each other shortly before ten pm.

His communicator played a snippet of a tune with tension and drums.  He’d received a message.

[N.R]  Are you P.I. Thor now?

[T.O.]  It’s personal.  What is P.I?

[N.R]  Forget it.

[T.O]  Please don’t tell Stark.

 In the early evening he went to the gym.  They were used to seeing him there now and happy to let him go about his business without interrupting him to find out if he knew how to use each of the machines. There was always the occasional patron who looked on, impressed, to see how much he was bench pressing.   He pushed himself hard, realising he’d missed this aspect of his life.

 It was warmer today than previous days.  The progression into late spring /early summer was apparent now that his month-long brooding session was drawing to a close.  Soon there would be more people staying out later in the evenings due to the nicer weather and the lighter nights.  He decided he might as well enjoy the beach while he could.

Tucking his shoes into his gym bag he crossed the railings and dropped the few feet down onto the sand. It was cold and damp between his toes, not at all as pleasant as he had hoped.  Using his bag as a seat he sat a few metres up from the dark line that marked the most recent tide line and picked out pebbles to throw at the water. If he timed it just right he could throw the pebbles right at the leading edge of the water as it shifted and began to recede.

 The yap of a small dog startled him.  He’d know that bark anywhere but he refused to turn around, that would be… desperate. Soon the clunk of heels along the promenade drew to a stop nearby.  He continued to throw his stones, unable to prevent the small smirk that forced its way onto his lips.

It felt like he sat there for hours waiting for her to notice him, he’d exhausted all pebbles in the reachable vicinity and would be forced to move very soon.  Just when he was about to admit defeat, her voice carried down to him.

“You tired of sharing your spot with me now?”  She said playfully, leaning on her forearms on the railings, as was her preferred position.

Acting as if he hadn’t noticed her approach he turned, looking surprised.

“Oh, hello!”  He waved and stood.  “Not at all.  I’m a very gracious landlord.”  Approaching the raised wooden walkway he came face-to-face with her ankles.  Looking upward, the line of her nylon-sheathed legs disappeared at the knee under that wonderfully shaped skirt she seemed to prefer. “You may squat here at my marker as often as you like.”  He smiled, squinting a little against the light behind her.  “I mean, you said you were a squatter, I didn’t mean that you should squat.  Unless you’d prefer to come down here.  I mean I can help you, if you’d like?”

Oh shut your infernal mouth for once!  His face burned.

“I’m fine thanks.” She laughed, lowering her head until her smirk was smothered by the backs of her hands.  “I’m not exactly dressed for climbing fences.”

“I’ll come up then.” He slung his bag across his back and pulled himself up and over the railings.  Dusting the sand from his feet he put his shoes back on, regarding her furtively while his head was lowered.

“You come here every day?” She asked.

“In one way or another, yes.”

“Oooh, mysterious.” She poked fun.  “I don’t even know what that means.”

“Well,” he rumbled, swallowing dryly, “I come here to use the gym, or run sometimes.  I do live quite close, just over there in fact.” He pointed to the waterfront apartment building a mile up the shoreline.  “Mostly I come here to be at peace.”

You give me peace.  He thought.

Something in her face changed, softened even, if it could possibly get any more appealing.  There was a sadness in her eyes.  He couldn’t look away.

“You lost someone?” She broke eye contact first, staring down at her hands.

“hmm?”  He was baffled for a split second.  “Oh you mean The Infinity War?  D-Day?  Yes, I lost a great many people that day.”  Did his voice just break then?  “But before that even… I’ve seen some terrible things.”

He was aware that he shouldn’t be going down this road, not with her.  He’d hoped to remain anonymous, to leave Thor -The Avenger behind and become Thor - the man instead.  Or possibly even not Thor at all, just a man.

“Were you in the army?”

“Close enough.”  He nodded.  If he wasn’t careful he would give too much away.  “I prefer not to speak of it.”

“I get it.”  She reassured.  “We’re all hurting, it’s just that some of us hide it better than others. A lot of people died.  It’s harder to find people who didn’t lose someone.”

“Life is the only thing that can be stolen and never given back.”  He muttered.  “And time.”

“Profound.”  She praised.

“I have my moments. There’s a lot going on with me, you know.”  He tried to lighten the mood.  “Part-time public-space landlord, rain chaser, and philosopher.  To mention just a few.”

His humour was verging on cringeworthy.  How had he taken it from harrowing inner turmoil to shameless flirtation in one sentence.

“I’m sure you have many talents.”

Had she just flirted back or was that sarcasm?

“I’m Jessica, by the way.” She proffered her hand.

He took it gently, raising it and bowing as if to press it against his forehead in a gesture of utmost respect.

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”  Charm oozing from him in waves.  “My name is…”

What should I tell her?  Hello, I’m Thor, God of Thunder!  Out of the question.

He spoke slowly, giving himself a chance to think of a name.  He’d never given it any thought before, if he wasn’t Thor then who was he? The woman in the art studio had thought him British aristocracy, so what was a good British name?  A British King perhaps.  Henry.  Richard. George.  William.  Yes, that one!

Her face dropped, slack jawed and horrified she watched his mouth start forming the name.  Seeing the shock bloom across her face was enough to make him reconsider the whole false name thing.

“W-i-l-l-you excuse me.” He turned and fake sneezed into his hands.

“Bless you.”

“My apologies.  My name is Donald, my friends call me Don.”

Your friends call you Point Break but you’re not telling her that.  He thought.

“Don?”

“I’d offer to shake your hand but, well…”  He grimaced, making a show of wiping his hands on the legs of his jeans.

“Yeah, I’m good.”  She chuckled.  “Good to know you, Don.”

“Lady Jessica.”  He swept himself into a flourishing bow drawing a good-humoured eye roll from her.  “The pleasure is mine.”

“My friend’s call me Jess.”

“If I’m permitted?”

“I don’t mind.  Knock yourself out.”

“Very well, Jess.”

 He might have looked bashful for a moment as she looked him up and down.  He’d gotten more than he had hoped for so why was his chest aching and his gut telling him to escape?  She was beautiful, he really couldn’t think that enough.  Her steely-blue eyes were large and expressive, delicately arching brows and rich dark hair framing her perfect face.  The sweep of long lashes had him holding his breath when she blinked long and slow, a slight blush on her cheeks as they spoke.

“Have I got something on my face again?”  Her brows knitted subtly.

Jerking out of his daze, he searched her visage for anything out of place.

“No, you look perfect, as always.”  He’d totally missed that he’d been staring at her the whole time.

She frowned more deeply, tucking a few carefree strands of hair back behind her ear.

“I should go, it’s already after ten.”  She looked away with a look he could only describe as shame.  “Daisy has been so patient with me.”

Thor wanted to say something.  Apologise. Make light of his inability to read a situation.  Tell her how much he enjoyed her company.  Anything to take the shame from her expression.  Ask her to stay - not that it would help.  Instead he went with:

“She’s a good dog.”

 After they parted, Thor mentally kicked himself.  He always had an uncanny knack of making things awkward.  More often than not it was endearing and usually made him quite likeable, especially to women.  But then again they mostly only wanted into his trousers, more so when they discovered he was a god.  Jess was different, she was guarded.  He felt that he hadn’t overstepped any boundaries but this was Midgard and his ways were foreign here.  He would have to be more careful with his compliments so as not to make her uncomfortable.

 The next day she returned. And the next.  Thor found himself falling in with her routines.  Before long they’d been talking five nights a week for several weeks.  Thor started walking with her while she walked the dog, always keeping a proper distance and never making her feel awkward.  He brought a ball for Daisy Duke which became something they did, he kept it in his gym bag always.  He told Jess it was becoming part of his daily workout so he and Daisy would run and chase each other in the grass while Jess watched on, laughing.

Jess started bringing an extra coffee with her for him.  He’d tried the tiramisu hot chocolate, and while he enjoyed the taste he couldn’t excuse the excessive calories but he didn’t tell her that.

“I like my coffee how I like my men.”  He said flatly.  “Long and black, and bitter on the tongue.”

“Lewd!”  She’d laughed long, feigning disgust, tears running down her cheeks.  “That’s something my mind will never unsee.  Thanks for that.”

That had been one of Thor’s favourite days with her.  The day she laughed so hard she cried.  He’d seen tears in her eyes before, shamefully brushed away, emotions denied. Now they made her eyes sparkle like star-steel.  Wet cheeks or not she was stunning.  Her hand momentarily rested on his bicep and he found her almost too close for comfort. He’d been laughing too, but now he was looking at the play of happiness on her lips and sparkle in her eyes. She’d done the same, eyes flicking down to his mouth as her laughter subsided.  His skin prickled with anticipation and it was like he was frozen in place, seeing her within reach but unable to make the moment real.

Something broke in her and she snorted loudly, falling into a second round of laughter.  It took the awkwardness out of the moment.  Perhaps she hadn’t felt it like he had.  He hoped she hadn’t noticed him hungrily drinking in the sight of her, hanging on her every gesture like a breath exhaled on a still and frozen night, where one slight caress could send him spiralling.

 No matter how he felt, Thor was the perfect gentleman.  Always respectful, always chivalrous, always considerate.  He’d been brought up that way.  He never intruded on Jess’s time with her fiancé, remaining out of the way during drop offs and pick ups but making sure she was safe.  In the beginning the fiancé had walked with her in the park before leaving to ‘meet up with friends’ – those were Jess’s words. But now he left her at Neptune’s in order to dash off for a few hours with his lover.  Thor had done enough digging to see what the man was up to but he didn’t understand how could Jess not see?  She was astute and incredibly smart; she reminded him of Jane a little in that respect.

Sometimes people can’t see what they don’t want to see.  He told himself many times.

Her fiancé was having an affair with another man.  Thor didn’t want to be the one to break the news to her but the longer it went on the harder it was for him to stay silent.  The risk that she would blame Thor for telling her and never speak to him again, however, kept him quiet.  He was torn.

 Spring turned to summer and they still met each other in the park.  Thor had been content with simply sharing her time on the nights she was there. Jess hadn’t offered anything else, nor asked.

Conversation was easy and they talked about a great many things, though never anything too personal. He discovered that she worked at a dental surgery nearby (she had pointed up the street where Neptune’s was on the corner), which then triggered a memory of the day he’d gone to the gallery, and the woman in the elevator.  There had been an astringent smell he had barely even noticed but with the new information his memory returned, richer, and now with aroma-vision. Thor had chuckled out of the blue, drawing questions from her.

“I know that building.” He’d replied.  “I visited an art dealer there once, very disappointing show but the woman there offered to capture my likeness.”

“I bet she did.” Jess’s tone was full of inuendo, but Thor’s look of innocence made her laugh all the harder.

 Thor told her he worked in ‘security solutions’ which she accepted.  It hadn’t been far from the truth, in a scaled down, simplistic way. They shared anecdotes, although Thor held back;  there was much of his life and antics that were well documented in the media here on Midgard, and although Jess didn’t seem to pay any attention to that, there was bound to be something that would make his real identity known to her.

She really seemed to enjoy his company and he watched as she blossomed from the closed off, pained and self-diminished creature into a radiant, vibrant and exuberant woman, full of life.  It was basking in this glory that Thor finally saw that life could be good, even after all of his failings and defeat in The Infinity War.  Good could come out of evil, and that he deserved happiness as much as everyone else, in whatever capacity it presented itself.

  Things changed dramatically one Saturday night.  Jess arrived at Neptune’s as usual, straight from work.  Thor watched from a shaded part of the park as she met with her fiancé. Thor would wait for her until she crossed over and pick up her trail, meeting her a little way down the footpath. Her fiancé had stopped getting her the usual hot chocolate with tiramisu a while back so she and Thor took it in turns to buy drinks for each other.  Today it was Thor’s turn and he had 2 cups in hand ready waiting.

There seemed to be an issue, however.  They were arguing, arms wildly gesticulating, voices raised.  The fiancé was pointing at the park aggressively, his face growing more red.  Jess was crying.  She took the dog leash from him looking up at the sky in supplication.  Suddenly she slapped him across the face and scooped up the dog, striding away from him, heedless of oncoming traffic.  The fiancé left without a backward glance.

Thor’s heart almost stopped as she stepped out onto the road.  He scanned up and down but she was clear.  Her pace quickened, feet skipping as she partly jogged through the park’s gateway from the street.  He didn’t want her to know he’d seen so he moved to intercept her at the joining of their two paths.

“Hey, you.”  He said in the calmest tone he could muster, falling into step beside her.  “Good day?” He prompted, hoping she’d open up.

She didn’t even look at him.

“Jess?”

Her face was streaked with tears, and she stared ahead only as if it was the only way to hold her composure.  A few more strides on he decided to take action.  Getting out in front of her, he transferred both cups to one big hand, base stacked on lid, and stopped her with a hand laid gently on her shoulder.

“Hey, hey,” he soothed, “what’s the matter?”

That was all it took for the floodgates to open and she was crying again, shoulders shaking, gasping for breath as she let go of her composure.

Thor put the drinks down beside his feet and stepped forward to pull her into a hug.  It was such a natural gesture, he didn’t even think about the space he promised himself he’d always give her, nor the physical contact he knew he shouldn’t engage in.  She needed him in that moment, and she didn’t shy away.

Jess leant into him, allowing him to wrap her in his arms, and pressed her face into his chest.  She sobbed and sniffled, breathing hot and humid through his t-shirt onto his skin.  They stood like that for a while, with him rubbing her back in the most platonic way he could, and her soaking his chest with her tears.

Daisy started pulling on the leash and it seemed to draw Jess back to the here and now.  She stepped back as Thor’s arms fell away. They felt all wrong with the warmth of her gone and he wasn’t sure what to say, or do.  Without more information about why she was so upset, he could very well say the wrong thing and make everything so much worse.

“Is there anything I can do?”  He spoke softly.

The park had few enough people in it that they were relatively alone, and the quality of the light made it feel like they were secluded in a twilight realm.  He longed to hold her again but to do so would not be proper.

“No.”  She exhaled a heavy, shuddering breath, and wiped her cheeks with the palms of her hands.

When she looked up at him a second later she looked so vulnerable.  His heart ached to see her this way.

Her eyes flicked down to his soaked t-shirt and back up to his face.  Her eyes went wide and gasped a little.

Thor panicked.  She was about to say something about him touching her.

“I’m sorry, I…”  He gestured with his arms.

“I’m not.”

She didn’t miss a beat. Stepping forward quickly, she stood on her tip-toes and pressed her lips to his, freezing him on the spot.

Her lips were soft and a little puffy from crying but they felt divine.  She released the seal of her lips but kept gentle contact, trailing her mouth across his, slowly drawing him into a response, parting his lips with hers until things suddenly clicked.

His response was immediate and thorough.  Catching her waist with one hand and sliding the other into her hair, he cradled her, deepening the kiss.  He delved into her, tasting the salt of her tears and the sweetness of her mouth.  It was everything he’d imagined it would be and he was swept away by the wave of passion that crested and flooded his senses.

Her hands were on his face, in his hair and she was sighing through her nose as their tongues touched and circled in the join between them.  One more little moan from her and he swore to himself that he’d lay her down right there and see what other noises he could coax from her beautiful lips.

This isn’t right.  He thought, mentally kicking himself as he so often did when he thought improper thoughts around her.

 Thor was the first to pull back, breathless and startled.  He felt like he had as a boy getting caught stealing sweet treats from the kitchens.  This thing between them now wasn’t his to have, it was a dream and was destined to remain as such.

“I can’t allow you to do this.”  He beseeched, steadying her with hands on her upper arms, thumbs gently stroking against her blouse.  “Your fiancé might be an unfaithful weasel but you’re better than that.  I could not forgive myself for making an adulterer of you.”

Her furious frown was complete and undeniable.  There was confusion there also, and tears.  Plump beads collecting on her lower lids, making her eyes turn glassy.

Turning on her heel, she fled, tugging the poor dog with her.

“Jessica, wait!”  Thor felt like he’d been punched in the gut by Hulk, breathing was difficult and he ached.

He knew he should not follow, she wanted space or why run?  She’d already cleared the park and it took every ounce of willpower to keep his feet firmly planted where they were because every nerve in his body told him to go to her and his muscles twitched to obey. The fading feeling of her lips on his pulled at something in his chest, making him feel hollow.  What in Odin’s name had he done?

[chuffyfan87]

Hiding. Part 72d

He hesitated before he moved to his stepmum. “I don’t mean to... you know.”

"Mean to what?" She pressed gently, reaching out to rest her hand on his shoulder.

“Be mean. To you or dad or... them.”

"Your brothers and sisters?"

He nodded.

"I don't see you as being any different from them, you do know that right?"

“You don’t?” He whispered.

"Not at all. To me you're as much my child as they are. I may not have carried you and given birth to you but I still love you as though you were my own."

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

"You don't need to apologise. Just don't wind your sister up quite so much from now on ok?" She smiled softly. "And maybe give your dad less of a hard time? He's really trying his best."

“I know.” He smiled sadly, “I know he tries.”

"He doesn't always make the smartest choices but he's a good man at heart."

Louis nodded.

"I know this isn't the situation you wanted to be in but can we try and make the best of it?"

He nodded, “Can try.”

"That's all I ask. That you try. Is there anything you want me to promise to do?"

Louis shook his head, “Not that I can think of.”

"OK. Shall we go back downstairs?"

“Will you give me a minute? Please.”

"OK. We'll be downstairs if you need us."

Louis nodded and watched as his stepmum left his alone. He sighed, he was so conflicted sometimes.

Duffy smiled softly as she found Charlie sat at the table on the patio. "You ok?"

“Yeah.” He smiled sadly, “You?” He asked as he looked up to meet her gaze.

"I just had a very interesting chat with Louis."

“You did?”

"He's very conflicted about everything."

“I know.”

"I think I got through to him though."

“What did you say?” He asked.

"To give you a break." She smiled softly. "That you're trying your best."

“What if it’s not good enough though?”

"What do you mean?"

“Is he ok?” Charlie asked. “I’m trying.”

"I think he will be. We just need to give him time. He doesn't know what to do with all the feelings that are whirling around in his head nor how to talk about them. A bit like someone else I know..."

He sighed sadly, “A bit like me?”

"He is your son afterall." She smiled.

He smiled, “I can imagine it is confusing for him. It’s sometimes still confusing for me.”

"What do you find most confusing?"

He shrugged, “Me and Baz. It was complicated and I can’t always explain that to Louis.”

"I'd try and help but I still can't understand what you ever saw in her."

“I settled for her because I couldn’t have you.”

"As... Flattering... As that sounds... I'd advise against explaining it that way to Louis."

“No. I did love her. She was fun to be around sometimes.”

"Yeh, she was alright when she wasn't calling me ever name under the sun." Duffy conceded.

“I don’t know what happened to her to make her change so much. But the Baz I fell in love with in 86 wasn’t the person I fell in love with when she returned and we married.” He admitted.

"It had been ten years, we all changed in that time. Me and you just had more opportunities to get used to the changes in each other." She shrugged.

“Hm, maybe.” He smiled.

"She, on the other hand, still saw me as an unthreatening twenty five year old."

“So young... and gorgeous.”

"But apparently no match for her sophisticated charms..."

“The first time I was... protecting you. I think. Second time, I was just a moron. And the times after that too.”

"And now..?"

“What are you asking me?” He asked.

"What made you eventually decide that I was the better option?" She was clearly fishing for compliments.

“You just understood me. Still do. Know all the right things to do and say even when I’m struggling. I was tired of pretending I wasn’t in love with you when you were the only thing I ever thought about.”

She was briefly taken aback, she'd not expected him to answer her like that, but then her face broke into one of those genuine smiles that reached her eyes.

He looked up to catch her eye and seeing the biggest, most genuine smile on her face, smiled even brighter himself.

"I was expecting a more vulgar response if I'm honest." She admitted, blushing.

“You were?”

"Its nice to know you've not always got a one track mind." She giggled.

“Not always but sometimes.” He laughed gently.

"Maybe you're finally maturing past adolescence." She teased.

“No chance of that happening, gorgeous.”

"I have visions of you still trying to cop a feel from your zimmerframe!" She laughed.

“Of course I will.”

"So long as you don't get distracted by the nurses."

“You know I like a woman in uniform.” He smiled.

"Oh I've noticed..!" She smirked.

He laughed gently, “I think it’s every man’s dirty dream isn’t it?”

"It would seem so if those mucky films I tried to get banned were anything to go by..." She gave him a pointed look, she was still a little salty that he hadn't backed her on that..!

“You’re still salty I didn’t back you up on that?” He asked.

"Yes! Though I am grateful that you 'forgot' to add the police caution to my personnel file."

“Oh yes.” He laughed gently, “You’re very naughty, Duffy.”

"He deserved it!"

“You’re still naughty.” He got up and wrapped his arms around Duffy’s waist.

He was rewarded with a soft kick as she lent back into his embrace.

“Hello son.” He stroked her stomach.

"You're sure that team girls aren't going to draw back even then?" She giggled.

“Nope they won't.” He smiled.

"We'll still easily beat you smelly boys anyway!" She replied, sticking her tongue out.

He shook his head fondly. “Yeah yeah.”

"Name your contest and I assure you us girls will win!"

“Are you being serious?” He asked as he met her gaze.

"You afraid of getting beat?" She smirked.

“No.” He pouted.

"So go on then - name your challenge."

“You name yours.”

"I asked first." She giggled.

“I don’t have a challenge in mind. Do you?”

"Nothing specific. I just know we'd win."

“Our girls are much smarter than me. Did I tell you what they did to me at the beach?”

"No, what?"

“Beat me up.” He replied. “All three of them dived on me.”

"That was unfair of them ganging up on their old dad like that!" She giggled.

“I know. It made me a bit emotional if I’m honest.”

"How come?"

“Just makes me realise how lucky I am.”

"We are so lucky." She smiled.

“What if that changes?”

"What do you mean?"

“It scares me.”

"What does?"

“The fact I could be left to raise all of them alone. Without you.” His voice broke.

"You underestimate me, Charlie, you always have!" She remarked, a slight cockiness to her tone.

“You really believe it’ll be different this time?”

"Even if it isn't we've made it through before."

“It keeps me awake some nights.” He admitted.

"Are you still upset that this happened?"

“Do you want my truthful answer?”

"Its usually best to tell the truth."

“I’m not upset this happened. That we were blessed with another baby.”

"There's something though. Something you're not saying."

He smiled sadly, “I’m just frightened that I might have to say goodbye to you.”

"I'll just take to haunting you instead!" She remarked, attempting to distract him away from that terrifying possibility.

“Sorry. I’m bringing the mood down terribly.”

"There's only so much positivity I can try and inject, I need you to try and hold on to the hope of a positive outcome too."

“I’m trying.” He smiled, “Believe me I am.”

"My doctor is happy with everything so far." She reminded him.

“I know.”

"I know what they're going to suggest sooner or later and, believe me, I'm not planning on arguing."

“You? Not arguing? That’ll be a first.” He smirked.

"Despite what my eldest son seems to think I don't have a death wish."

He smiled, “That’s reassuring to know, babe.”

"Oh I plan to be causing you problems for a long time to come yet!" She giggled.

“You’ve caused me problems for the last twenty, what’s another twenty?” He replied with a laugh.

[juliawickereds]

Hello there! I need to hear everything about this soulmate AU of yours. Just searched through the blog and all I could find was the fact that there are platonic soulmates (BIG LOVE) and I am starved for feels please and thank you

ok i said i wanted asks abt this but then my laptop fell apart and then i lost internet for a few days so this is super late and i’m sorry bUT!! soulmate au. this isn’t anything coherent and has zero (0) plot but it’s smth i made that i really enjoy so here we go folks

the rules of this ‘verse are basically that you are born with black and white tattoos that symbolize something to do with your soulmate (if your marks reference the same thing, the stronger your bond is. similarly, if your marks are on the same area of your body, the stronger your mark is). the soulmark tattoos turn in color when you first meet your soulmate, and it’s possible to have multiple soulmates and also platonic soulmates (quentin and julia and margo and eliot are both pairs of platonic soulmates in this au). so without further ado, here’s the kids(tm) and their soulmarks

quentin’s soulmark tattoo is a giant map of fillory that stretches across his entire back. specific places reference his specific soulmates. his mark for penny is where the virgo blade was first used/talked about and/or the swordsmith's shop. his mark for eliot is the beach where they were crowned, castle whitespire, and the mosiac area. his mark for alice is the wellspring, and all other parts of fillory are his platonic mark with julia. he and julia know they’re soulmates from p much day one, bc they’re childhood friends, and they're 5 and have no reservations so they know they're soulmates from almost the moment they meet. they date in high school, julia realizes she's a lesbian, they come to terms with it being platonic. quentin and alice realize they’re soulmates the morning after he saves her from niffining for her brother, and they’re both fairly sure this incident is what alice’s soulmark for quentin is referencing, so their ‘bond’ isn’t super strong (spoiler alert: it’s referencing her death so their bond is actually fairly strong). penny and quentin first realize it when penny gets stabbed by the virgo blade. quentin gets excited that he’s found another soulmate. penny rolls his eyes and asks quentin to concentrate on the fact that he's been fucking stabbed. quentin and eliot realize they’re soulmates the night they have the threesome (which is Less of a deal here, partially bc at this point alice knows quentin and eliot are soulmates, and instead, she’s more mad at margo — who is one of her soulmates — for sleeping with quentin). alice and margo figure out that quentin and eliot are soulmates before the two of them do. mostly because the two of them aren’t weenies who don’t want to talk about things (unlike quentin and eliot).

eliot has two soulmark tattoos, which is the lowest number of soulmates i think anyone in this au has, tbqh. he has quentin’s mark on his left wrist, and it’s a goblet on his left wrist, overflowing red wine, with a peach and plum behind it. his marker for margo (arguably the strongest mark in the entire series, ftr) is her high queen crown wrapped around his upper left thigh. during the trials, eliot and margo share soulmarks and pasts, and they realize their crowns match and changed color on the same day, eliot says that he's gay so margo doesn't get any illusions about their relationship, and it works out.

margo has four marks. wrapped around her upper right thigh is eliot’s high king crown. she has a white shorthair cat winding its way around the back of her right ankle for alice’s mark, which they figured out whe margo corners alice and gets her drunk (the scene with the wine) and convinces her to share her soulmarks. also they talk about charlie's unrequited niffin fire soulmark. when margo sees the cat she just kind of knows it matches her cat and they start dating. she’s got the spatters of blood across her face from when micah was killed as her mark for him (though i haven’t decided what his is for her yet), though they know they’re soulmates instantly as they instantly turn red when she meets him, which....is a really ominous soulmark. she also has a simple wolf silhouette for josh, but i haven’t decided if her and josh’s mark is platonic or not, or when they discovered it bc the two of them are a new season development lmao sorry.

alice has three marks — one for quentin, which is niffin fire curling up from under her left armpit and over her left breast with the last tendrils of fire reaching her collarbone (they think it's since they first met because of her brother who niffened but it's really referencing her death and that means her and quentin's marks were stronger than they first thought), one for penny, which is the bad whiskey they were drinking when she had sex with him the first time on the back of her right calf (they figure it out the night they sleep together and penny jokes about how he's glad it wasn't margo or eliot), and one for margo, which is a sleeping cream persian cat curled up at the base of her neck.

penny has three marks — one for quentin, which is what looks like scars from the virgo blade but over the entire right side of his torso, one for alice, which is an empty emotion bottle on his left ankle with the necklace chain wrapped around to the front of his ankle and up some (like three-fourths of the way up his calf is where the necklace ends), and one for kady, which is ropes over his wrists like the trials, which represent the first time he really let kady in (both of theirs are so obvious they know pretty much the first time they meet. they don't realize what they mean until later, and penny’s for kady actually get sliced right through when the beast severs his hands and are scarred/parts of the mark are missing afterwards).

kady only has two soulmarks, but both are romantic. she has one for julia, which is lighting from that whip she used to save julia beginning at the top of her hip and going across her stomach and curling up under and beside her right breast (they realize it after julia is helping kady get out of the shower after the heroin den, and she asks when kady's changed, they talk about the dates their changed after the shower and start dating but don't realize the significance until the bank heist), and one for penny, which is battle magic/hedge witch symbols all up and down the inside of her arms and over the front of her shoulders and the front of her throat (representing the first time she let penny in).

julia has two soulmarks. one is her platonic mark with quentin, which is a map of the outer islands and the edge of the world that adds on to quentin's fillory map if they stand next to each other spread across her back. her mark for kady is on the back of her left thigh, and is the wooden spoon the monster kady saved her from was made from.

disclaimer: i didn’t include josh and fen in this au originally and the penny mentioned is original penny (penny 40) because i made this au ages ago and haven’t been bothered to go thru and change things really but like. they still exist and if there’s interest i can add their tattoos in as well !! but this is already super long so. if anyone has any more questions feel free to hmu i love this au. also sorry this is so late !! thanks for asking lovely

[mbmrocks]

Ready Or Not: Chapter 5 - Explinations

Prologue  Chapter 1  Chapter 2  Chapter 3  Chapter 4

Stepping outside the building Spencer felt an unnerving sense calm wash over him like he was numb and everything that had just happened hit him full throttle. Finding out his wife had been kidnapped, his team finding out he had a wife, sending an SUV to pick up his kids because there was no way he would be able to leave and realising that the team would also be finding out about his kids, it was a lot for a guy to handle at once. His world was imploding, and it felt like his emotions had in some way just frozen in shock.

Questions kept coming as the team stayed silent, as much as they all were wanting to know what on earth was going on, they knew they had to be patient. Whatever this situation was, it must have been serious to cause Spencer to act the way he was. More questions came about when one of the FBI's black SUVs pulls up in front of the building with three kids inside; one of which a little girl practically leaps into Spencer's arms, who had been waiting outside.

"Who are they?" Luke asks as they all watch an interaction.

"I have no idea," Emily shrugs. "I have never seen them before.

"Well whoever they are they certainly know our young genius," Rossi quips watching curiously at the interaction between Spencer and the three kids.

"You don't think," JJ turns to Emily whose eyes widened as she understood what JJ was insinuating.

"They couldn't be his kids," Emily shakes her head.

"You never know, I mean he does have a wife," Tara points out.

"And what happened with Mexico," JJ reminds them sadly, the conversation-stopping as Spencer walks in the little girl still in his arms the two boys trailing behind.

"So, this is your team," Charlie comments turning to Spencer. "What's going on, it must be pretty serious if we're meeting them for the first time, we're meeting them.

"It's kind of scaring me D-," before Eli could finish his sentence Charlie nudges him as if stopping from saying any more.

"Hey, Eli I will tell you everything later ok bud," Spencer assure his son placing Mia back on the ground. "Can you please take your sister to the break room, it's the first room down the hall to the left."

With a reluctant sigh, Eli takes his sister's hand, the two of the walking of leaving the others behind. All of who just stood there is silence no one sure what to say.

"You ok Spence," JJ gaze was full of concern for one of her best friends

"Yeah a bit calmer now,' Spencer sighs, "I guess it's time for me to explain.:

"I think so too," Charlie folds his arms across his chest, "not that I mind being pulled out of school before a test, but I would like to know why."

"And you will," Spencer tells him, "just not in here."

Walking off towards the conference room, soon all find themselves at the roundtable. JJ, Emily, Rossi, Tara, Luke, Matt and Penelope as sat at the table; Spencer stood at the front of the room Charlie leaning against the corner wall next to him. Despite his unnerved exterior inside Charlie was the scared mess, he didn't know what was going on but it and to be pretty serious if he and his siblings were here.

"Ok first off I have a question," Penelope asks raising her hand, almost causing Spencer to smile at her quirkiness. "Who is Darcy and what do you mean she's been taken."

"Mum's gone,” Charlie’s outburst catches everyone's attention.

"Yes, Charlie she's missing," Spencer turns to the teenager who was understandably freaking out.

"She can't be missing, she dropped me to school just this morning," Charlie whispers not quite believing what he had been told.

"Hey, we're going to do everything we can to find your mother," Emily tells him standing from her chair. "I can promise you that."

"Thanks, but that still doesn't stop the fact that the only biological family I have left who actually wanted me is gone," Charlie mutter before storming out the of the room.

"Charlie," Spencer calls after him, but Charlie was already gone

"Give a few minutes," Emily suggests, "beside were going to need to know everything, starting from since when you have had a wife, and from what I can see children as well."

Negative emotions were the only thing going through Charlie's mind as he rushed down the hall. Anger, sadness, they were only a small part of what he was feeling.

Guilt washed through the teenage boy as he rushed through the bullpen, bursting into an empty office. What he had just set was something he regretted the second he said it. Sure, what happened with Maeve had shaken his family's life, but that didn't mean he could use it as a weapon when he was angry upset. Honestly, he didn't know how to feel, which was why he was lashing out. All the arguments he and Darcy had been having over the last few months, it was like bricks had been added to the weight he felt on his shoulder. His own mother was missing, and he may never see her again; it was something he never thought was going to happen. Even now he never thought she would ever not be around; she was his mother and had always seemed like she would always be there.

If only that was a true

"She can't be missing," he whispers to himself, "she just can't."

He could only pray that Spencer and his team found her before it was too late. If not, Charlie would spend the rest of his life with regret.

"Thirteen years I've known her for thirteen years," Spencer gaze didn't leave his shoes as he told them, "I meet her after the case in Detroit when Morgan was a suspect. We have been married nearly ten."

This had not been how he had wanted to tell everyone, with his wife life ticking down by the second. He guessed it karma for keeping all this. Even if it was it seemed a bit excessive the universe trying to destroy his sanity; not that it hadn't before, his life had been a constant roller coaster of heart-breaking situations.

"Wait thirteen years Spencer, " JJ stares at her friend in disbelief, "you have kept this from us for thirteen years."

"Yes ok, Hotch said it would be the best idea to keep my personal life away from work, and well after what happened with Hailey, it kind of solidified the idea," Spencer could barely work up the courage to look at the team. Specifically, JJ and Penelope who he considered his closest friends on the team and had kept all this from, since the beginning. "Then as the years just flew by and it became too late for us to tell you without you freaking out, especially after we had Elijah."

"So, they are your kids."

"Yes JJ, Elijah and Mia are my children," Spencer confirmed, "Darcy had Charlie at eighteen, I've known him since he was four."

"Anyone she mentioned that may want to do anything like this to her," Emily asks her heat hurting to have to ask Spencer the same questions they asked victims’ families. It just wasn't fair, after everything he had been through in his life; he didn't deserve it.

"No, she hasn't spoken to her parents' years, and Charlie's biological father has been out of the picture the same amount of time," Spencer answer knowing this was the only way they could work with to start their search. "He wanted nothing to do with her and Charlie from the start."

"Ok, Garcia I need you to pull up the audio file of the call for me," Emily instructs the technical analysis going into her boss mode. "We're going to need it as a starting point if we're going to find her. Reid as much as I'm sorry to ask you this but I need you to contact her parents."

"Got it," Garcia nods along with Spencer before turning to the young agent, "I do have a question, what happened with Maeve if you were with Darcy when you meet her."

Hearing her words Spencer stiffens the name hitting a sore spot for him. Just like that another one of his skeletons came out of the closet.

A huge one and her name were Maeve Donovan.

[closetspngirl]

Love Heals the Soul (Part 16) - Talk to Me

Summary: Reader finally feels comfortable opening up to Jensen...sort of.

Masterlist

Pairings: Jensen x reader, OC Jonathan

Word Count: 2335

Warnings: angst (on the reader’s part), fluffy Jensen, nothing else

Jensen dished up breakfast and sets the plates on the table while you got the silverware and drinks. “Wow, Jen, this is good,” you said, finishing off a piece of bacon. Jensen just laughed, “It’s just eggs and bacon, nothing fancy.” “I know, but I don’t have a proper breakfast all that often,” you replied, taking a bite of eggs. The two of you continued to eat in a comfortable silence.

You broke the quiet first, “So what did you have planned for today?” Jensen shrugged, “I don’t know, didn’t really plan anything. You?” You let out a laugh, “Well, I haven’t planned anything either. Maybe have a lazy day, little Netflix, maybe a nap.” “Hm, well, would you like some company today for all of your non-plans?” Jensen asked. “Sure, I’d really like that.”

The two of you finished up breakfast, and you changed, albeit into different lounging clothes, which just meant another pair of leggings and a t-shirt. You spent the next few of hours curled up on the couch watching TV, stealing kisses from each other every now and then and cuddling into him. You had even managed to get an episode of Supernatural in, Jensen telling you all the behind the scenes mishaps and shenanigans that happened. “The stories! Can we please have a marathon sometime?” You asked between laughing. “Maybe not a marathon, but sure,” Jensen quipped.

“Hey, let’s go for a walk, enjoy the air, maybe get some lunch?” you asked, looking up at him.

Jensen kissed you on your forehead, “Sure.”

---

The two of you walked around your neighborhood hand in hand for a while, with no real destination in mind. It was the kind of walk that neither one of you were leading the other, which lead you to a little playground and park area. “Hey Jen,” you started, “Do you think we could sit and talk for a minute?” “Absolutely,” he replied, squeezing your hand.

You found a park bench and sat down, pulling one leg under you so your knee was up and you were facing Jensen. “So, I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to say, how much I’m going to tell, or how much sense it’s going to make. I just need to talk. I’m sure you’ll have questions, especially after last night, but I can’t guarantee that I will answer them all today. But I will one day. I promise.”

“I’m good at listening,” he started, putting his hand on the knee that was up, “Just say what ever you’re comfortable with, I’m here.” He finished, giving your knee a squeeze and smiling kindly. You took a deep breath before starting, still not entirely sure where to start.

“So, I’ve been through some stuff. I told you some of it at the bar the other night, anxiety, a small bit about my family, a little about the scars. There’s so much more and I’m scared that you’ll hate me for it.” You felt Jensen squeeze your knee at hearing that.

“I have…had…a brother, Jonathan. He died last year in Ecuador. I told you that he was two years older than me, he was always protective of me, typical older brother,” you chuckled at the memory. “But I was just as protective of him as his younger sister. He was a doctor, pediatrician specifically. He had been on a number of trips to other countries, helping where he was needed. He had been in Ecuador for eight months following an earthquake that was there.”

You had to stop, you were doing surprisingly well, but you were quickly approaching that edge of losing it. Looking at Jensen, he just gave you a look of reassurance, telling you that you didn’t have to say anything you didn’t want to.

“I’m not sure how, but he got caught up in some trouble, or it could have been a ‘wrong-place-wrong-time’ kind of thing. The area he was in wasn’t that great, you know, cops and lawyers are all dirty and you can’t trust anyone. He called me one day...” Keep it together Y/N, you’re fine. You can talk about this. It’s Jensen. He needs to know you, and this is you.

“Jonathan said that he was in some trouble, and he didn’t quite know how it was going to turn out, like he knew how it would end but was trying to put on a brave face for me. He wouldn’t tell me anything, other than he loved me and to keep my head up, take care of mom and dad and to do good. I told him he was an idiot and that it was supposed to be ‘do well’, but he always insisted that it was ‘do good’. That was our thing, I always corrected him on it, and it took me years to understand what he was telling me.

“I felt so helpless being up here while he was 7,200 kilometers away.” You laughed to yourself. “Sorry, um…4,500 miles. Too damn far is what it was. I told him I could come help him, but he said no; it was too dangerous. Well, the little sister protective side took over and I spent a chunk of my savings on a ticket.”

You looked up at Jensen, not realizing that you had started crying until the tears running down your cheeks fell on your hands. “It was horrible. I should have listened to him, Jen, I shouldn’t have gone. But I couldn’t leave Jonathan there alone.” You were crying hard at this point, having a hard time controlling your breathing which was starting to scare you.

“Hey, Y/N, we don’t have to do this all right now. Take it slow, continue when you’re ready,” Jensen tried, seeing that you were quickly losing it. He pulled you onto his lap, your head on his shoulder and he took one of your hands and held it on his chest. “Breathe, Y/N. Breathe with me.” You understood what he was trying to tell you to do, so you tried to do it. It took a few minutes, but you were calm, although still crying softly. Jensen kissed the top of your head, “Sweetheart, I don’t want you to do this if it’s too hard on you.”

“I know. But it’s been long enough, I’ve kept it inside too long.” You said quietly between hiccups of air. “I want to tell you more. I feel like I’ve been hiding this past…10 months. I want to tell you about the scars,” you had started crying a little harder again, but not to the extent that you had been. “There’s so much I want to tell you, I just don’t know how. I just want it all to go away. I’ve seen things, and I see them every night when I go to bed, I don’t know how to get them to go away.”

Jensen pulled you back into his chest, still sitting on his lap. He was rubbing your back and just holding you. He let you cry it out; let you release some of the pent up emotion that you had been carrying around. “Sweetheart, do you want me to stay tonight? I don’t mind. Maybe you can have a restful night tonight?” he said quietly. You nodded into his shoulder, you couldn’t talk yet, maybe you could, but you didn’t trust your voice; you thought for sure that once you started talking again, you’d start all of this over. This is so exhausting.

“You hungry?” Jensen asked, feeling another nod into his shoulder from you. “Let’s grab some food. Chinese? Then go back to your apartment and I can tell you all the funny business of any episodes you want to watch. Sound good?” he tried to coax you.

“Any episodes with Charlie? Except her last episode that she...you know,” you asked him. “She’s my favorite.” Not being able to help the laugh that left you.

“She is, huh? You sure about that?” Sounding playful, which made you smile. “Well then, let’s go grab some food and head back.” He held your chin up to look at him, wiping your tear stained cheeks off with the bandana he took from his back pocket. “You did good sweetheart,” kissing your forehead and hugging you, “I’m proud of you.”

---

It had been a couple weeks since the Vancouver convention. Jensen came by the café his first day back to set so that he could get coffee, making it a habit every day that the two of you worked. There were some mornings that he had such an early call time that the café wouldn’t even be open yet; but you let him in to give him his coffee. It was a sweet little routine the two of you made. He was away this weekend at a convention in Tucson, so you were missing your morning coffee dates.

Hey sweetheart, how are you doing today?

I’m ok, busy with work. What’s up? You never did tell him why you had been working so much.

Well, Chris just emailed me a few photos from the convention. Just wanted to show them to you before they went out. I must say, I’m quite a fan of them. ;)

You waited for him to send the photos, dreading how awful and out of place you were sure you looked there. When they loaded and you clicked to enlarge them, you were shocked at what you saw. There was one of the two of you at dinner before the concert that Saturday, laughing about something in conversation with Bri and Jared; realizing that you obviously didn’t notice him there that night. The next one was of you and Jensen singing at the concert, your hand in his, eyes locked on each other. You could see the feeling and emotion in the picture. The last one he had sent was one you never even realized had happened. Sometime in the Chris and Briana magic that was the end of convention photos with the cast, there was one of the two of you looking at each other. To anyone else it would just look like the split second that the camera grabbed that moment in time, but what you didn’t know at the time was that every. single. person. in the frame was looking at the two of you smiling or giving lovey-dovey looks. Well, everyone except for Jared, who just had his face squished up in a look of mock disgust. You could almost hear him saying something about you two getting a room. He’s such a weirdo. But you had to laugh out loud to yourself.

OMG. Jen, these are amazing. I love them!

Me too. He has more coming; I’ll let you know when they’re ready.

Thanks babe. I’m really missing you by the way. :(

Are you ok? I fly in Sunday late afternoon, I can stop by after I get in if you want me to.

I’m ok, only if you’re up to it. I know you’ve been super busy lately and probably want to just relax.

Well of course, but it’s always more relaxing being with you. And besides, I’m off Monday, so I don’t have to be anywhere.

Perfect. I can take that Monday off too. It’s a date.

Haha. Sounds good. I need to go out for our panel now. Love you baby.

Love you too

---

Jensen was home for a couple weeks after being in Tucson. It had been nice having him back in Vancouver, stopping in for his morning coffee before work, staying over more often and you even staying a few nights here and there at his place. You noticed that your sleep had actually gotten better having him there, which was a really nice feeling; you had forgotten what good sleep was like.

---

Well this sucks. “Y/N? Are you listening?” Jensen asked you a few nights after getting back. You had been listening, but you didn’t want to hear it, because he was just saying that he had to be gone again. The two of you were sitting on the couch at his house watching TV when he had told you that they had to go do their European tour in just over a week. You grumbled, “Yeah, I’m listening,” you said, not really trying to make it sound as childish and pathetic as it came out. “I’m sorry Jen, I’m not mad, I just…I don’t know,” you said before burying your head in his side.

“It’s ok Y/N, I get it, the convention schedule sucks sometimes but we’re almost done. Then we have a few months off that we can do whatever we want. How does that sound?” He asked you, running his fingers through your loose hair. You nodded into him, making a mental note that you would have to figure out the schedule for the café, knowing they would be fine without you for a while once he was back.

The time you had left before their tour flew by, between the two of you working and him getting ready to be gone for three weeks. The weeks had been long since you weren’t able to spend time together. Of course the two of you called, texted and Face Timed, but it just wasn’t the same as being together. He made sure to call every night, despite what he had going on or the time differences, he had even called you during a panel one night, just to make sure the two of you talked.

As the days went on, sleep got worse. You were ok for about the first week of Jensen being gone, but it was downhill from there. Briana was with them, so you didn’t have her to call to hang out with either. Yep, this tour still sucks, I can’t wait until he’s home at the end of the week. It’s almost…ugh. I just don’t want to be alone.

Tags: @maralisa124 @somilotopia @delightfullykrispypeach @steffiemeheus @lizwinchester16 @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester @mystrie @supernatural-lover-teamfreewill @cats-are-untrustworthy @superromijn @gifsforgomez @sherlock44 @life-through-the-lenss @1233088 @fandomloveyeah @allonsy-yesiwill @amomentintime @justforsavingfics @headingforthe-target-of-insanity @ocean-waves-that-misbehave @justfloatingthroughtime @xuglyduckling @hobby27 @musiclovinchic93

[roxirinart]

The Mechanic and The Cyborg

((A/N: Hi guys! Back atcha with another short story from Theta-4 :) I’m working on these to develop my characters and their backstories, so this one features someone you haven’t met before, someone who is especially important to Dex. Why? Well, I’ll let you read and find out! Hope y’all like it, let me know what you think! :D ))

(POV: Dexter Young, mechanic and occasional Fixer*.)

I first met Charlie back in my younger days, when I was working for The Theta-4 Protection Force. He was the team's assigned medic. We were briefed as a squad before he joined us: "Listen up, team. Charlie is one of the first of his kind, a cybernetic model specifically designed to supply aid on the battlefield. Now, I don't want any of you idiots giving him a hard time, alright? He's one of you now, cyber or not."

My squad responded with varying degrees of distaste at having a 'damn robot' join us, but I was excited. A real cyber. Usually they were strictly used by private corporations, and half of them were just experiments, never to see the light of day.

Charlie, though... Charlie was different. He was feline in appearance, though I couldn't be quite sure of the sorts of the exact breed they'd spliced into him. His eyes were pale green, and somehow looked so kind despite his otherwise strong appearance. Sure, he wasn't much of a fighter, so he was nowhere near as beefed-up as the other guys on the squad, but he carried himself with this... hell, I don't know, this presence that just let you know he wasn't quite human, and didn't mind that he wasn't. Or at least, I thought he didn't.

He was a damn good medic, too. I don't know what they did to him to give him the ability, but he was able to secrete this sort of... gel, from the palms of his hands. It acted as an antiseptic, coagulant, and a painkiller all in one. And honestly... feeling Charlie's hands pressing gently but firmly against you... well, it was certainly the only medical operation I ever wanted to undergo more than once.

A few weeks later, I was just fixing up the captain's scouting drone (he was a great leader but man, he couldn't fly that thing for shit), when I heard a scuffle out back. Went over there to check it out and Tommy and Jake had Charlie pinned to the ground. Didn't look too friendly. "Hey, guys, what's going on?"

"Just teaching the robot a lesson is all, Dex."

"Why, what'd he do?"

Charlie was looking at me through Jake's fingers, which were currently keeping his head pressed to the floor. He looked... scared. I didn't think cybers had emotions, but in that moment, I knew Charlie felt, and he felt just as real and as raw as the rest of us. Tommy brought me back by clapping me on the shoulder. "Oh, it didn't DO anythin', Dex. Look at it. Who are we to let a fuckin' droid lick our wounds for us, huh? Actually, scratch that, it's WORSE than just a pile of scrap. It's unnatural. I mean, those sick bastards that made it... just using human life to create this monstrosity... it aint' right, y'know?"

"Let him up." I'd heard enough. Tommy took his hand off my arm and scoffed at me. "Awwww, Dexie... don't tell me you're a sympathizer... don't worry, it's half-robot. I'm sure we're barely hurting it at all. It certainly doesn't have feelings to hurt, at least. What's the harm in it?" To illustrate his point, Tommy raised one steel-toed boot and brought it down on Charlie's right leg, hard. Charlie writhed under Jake's grip, lashing his tail. Tommy laughed.

Usually, I let the squad's occasional spats sort themselves out. Tommy and Jake had certainly had more than a few arguments over the years. People often picked on Lexie, just cause she was the only gal on the team (s'always the way, huh...), but she gave back just as much shit as she got, if not more. It always sorted itself out. But Charlie hadn't been built for combat. And as far as I knew he hadn't been in existence long enough to practice interacting with people, and certainly not long enough to know when someone you thought was on your side is bad news.

"Let him up." I repeated, louder this time.

"Jeez Dex, you're up it today, aren't you? Fine, we were goin' anyway, weren't we Jake? Give the cybershit a goodbye kiss for me will ya?" Tommy jeered. Jake spat in Charlie's face, then let him go, getting up and dusting himself off, and jogging to catch up to his friend.

Charlie was up immediately, wiping the spit from his face, all the fur along his spine standing on end. I was too busy being amazed that they'd actually programmed that into him that I almost didn't notice that Charlie himself was a little less than stable, and he nearly fell onto me as he came to the quick realization that he couldn't walk on his leg. The knee joint looked completely fucked, even I could see that. I steadied him. "Whoa there. You okay?" I didn't know what else to say. Maybe he was fine, I don't know if cybers experienced pain like the rest of us. Charlie's pale green gaze met mine. "Thank you. I was designed not to feel pain, so that if I were injured out on the battlefield, it wouldn't impede my ability to help others. That being said... I can't walk like this." He shook the broken joint to make a point of this and I swear it actually rattled. "Yeah, right..." I replied, already deep in thought on how I could fix it. I suddenly realized that that wasn't a particularly intelligent or useful answer and tried again. "I've worked on droids before, and I did a first aid course in training. If you come to my workshop I'll see if I can fix it. Y'know, if you want."

"Well, I don't see any other Fixers around here, do you?" He smiled, and I chuckled. "Didn't know you were one for jokes. Come on." I helped him back to the workshop and made him sit on the workbench while I crouched to assess the damage to his knee joint. I made an attempt at conversation.

"So... we haven't really talked much."

"Well, there's always someone that needs patching up. Those criminals carry around some truly brutish weaponry." Charlie spoke softly, watching as I attempted to bend the joint. It gave far too easily. I figured it was probably a spring that had gone or something, but I quickly came to the horrible realization that I had no idea what Charlie actually HAD under his... I could call it skin, right? God, it sounds so weird to say when I think back on it. After a short period of silence, he spoke again. "You're confused. It's okay, not many people have fixed a cyber before, not even Fixers themselves. My skin is a silicone compound, it can be removed in sections for easy maintenance. As long as you're careful not to damage muscle fiber you should be able to reach my mechanics without much of a problem." To demonstrate, Charlie reached down and placed his hand just above his knee, feeling underneath the short fur. I watched in mixed horror and wonder as he found a release switch and then straight up peeled the skin off his knee, pulling it down to his ankle. It reminded me of when you take off a wetsuit. His leg was a fascinating mixture of real muscle and mechanical components; it almost looked as if the muscle fibers had been grown right over the underlying structure, interweaving into it and creating a being that truly was half man, half machine. Luckily for me, knees are fairly bony anyway, so I didn't have to do much to find what was broken.

I was right about the spring, and that gave me a little pang of pride - seems my hobbies as a kid disassembling dead droids had stuck with me. I set to work, pulling the joint apart and minding the wires, capping them with rubber initially so I could work without fear of being electrocuted. A black fluid had started to trickle from Charlie's leg, and he watched it drip onto the floor with mild interest, as if he wasn't at all concerned that he was doing the cyborg equivalent of bleeding. I glanced up at him, to find him looking down at me as I worked, and I quickly glanced away. I felt sorta funny inside, but I couldn't really place it, so to push it to the back of my head, I started talking again.

"Anyway. How are you finding being on the team? Y'know... aside from what just happened."

"Honestly? I don't know. I'm happy, if you can call it that. Truth be told I'm not sure if what I feel is real at all, or just programmed responses to situations and stimuli that others might read as 'emotions'. I like most of you guys. It's more of a family than I ever had back at the facility."

"Well I'm glad you're not hating it here. It's not the worst place you could be in, that's for sure. And most of the squad are decent people. Except Tommy. Tommy's a git."

"Ah, is that what you call it? I'm going to start using that word."

I smiled. Of course, it made sense that Charlie would be picking up all sorts of different slang terms right now. Felt pretty cool that he was going to add one of mine to the list. I wanted to ask him more about how he functioned inside, but then I decided that was probably just as creepy as asking somebody about their private medical history, so I held my tongue and just focused on making his knee functional again. By the time I was done, something like a pint of that black fluid had leaked from Charlie's leg, staining his fur. I tightened the last screw, soldered the wiring back into place, and stood up, asking him to stand as well so he could test it out. Charlie didn't move.

"You ok?" I asked, wondering if the loss of that fluid was affecting him or if he just wasn't sure about standing on the leg just yet.

"I can't get down unless you move." He pointed out. I realized where I was standing, and thanked whatever Gods were still out there that I had dark fur to hide my blush. I was leaning forward against the workbench with Charlie's legs either side of me, and if anyone had come in it would probably look more than a little compromising. "Oh, uh... sorry." I moved away a little awkwardly and watched as Charlie pulled the silicone-compound 'skin' back up his leg, fitting it back into place seamlessly. It looked like there'd never been any problem in the first place. His steps were a little shaky, and I didn't understand until he nearly fell again that it wasn't because the joint wasn't fixed (which it was, by the way, and I'm still proud of that to this day). It was because he'd lost a good pint of... well, I guess you could call it blood. I gently sat him down on my work stool.

"Dex? I'm reading a 30% fluid loss in my system. I need more, but they don't have any here."

"What's it made of?"

"Hmm, it's a blood substitute. I believe it's largely iron, plasma, and... I’m not actually sure of the last part. Nanobots, probably."

"Well, human blood has all but one of those things... wait here." I headed to the back of the workshop and pulled open a drawer, happy to find that the medkit was where I left it. We weren't really supposed to use this one unsupervised, but I figured since Charlie was effectively a trained paramedic himself, we couldn't go far wrong. I grabbed the transfusion equipment from inside and went back to him. He wasn't looking so great. Not pale, at least, but he was slumped down in the chair and his eyes were pretty unfocused. I tapped his shoulder to wake him up a little bit and he suddenly sat bolt upright, his tail curling around my wrist. It almost seemed like a defense mechanism, and when I saw the tip of a hypodermic needle gleaming under the fur on the tip of his tail, my blood ran cold for a moment. His pupils widened when he saw it was me and he relaxed again. "Sorry. You startled me."

"You've... got a needle at the end of your tail." I commented, completely dumbstruck.

"It's how I perform injections. I carry various medical solutions inside me, sort of where humans would have kidneys."

"Okay. That's not weird at all." I shook my head to clear it and sat down next to him with my back against the workbench.

"Hook yourself up." I passed him one of the sterilized needles that was attached to the transfuser via a long tube. He blinked. "You're... giving me blood?"

"Well yeah, can't just let you go around without some, can I? Besides, humans make their own, you know that. Sure, I may be feeling a little woozy for a couple days, but I'll be fine. It's you I'm more worried about."

"Dex... thank you. It's rare to be shown such kindness. Especially for one of my... species." Charlie spoke softly as he hooked himself up to the transfuser. I winced a little as I inserted my own needle, and then started the little machine running, watching as blood filtered up my tube, went into the machine, and left through Charlie's. We both sat in a slightly tense silence for a while, wondering how his system would react to human blood, but after a minute or so of no adverse effects, we relaxed, and I let my mind wander back to his previous comment.

"Hey, listen. I just wanna let you know that not everyone is like Tommy and Jake-"

"No, it's... it's alright." Charlie cut in, laying his ears back and staring at the floor. "I understand why many of you humans hate androids, and especially cyborgs. We're not natural, that much is true."

"Yeah, but that's not BAD. You're... you're a great guy, Charles."

"Charles... I like that. It's a nickname, right? That's what you call it?"

"Hah, yeah. I guess you wouldn't have been programmed to know stuff like that."

We laughed together for a while and got chatting about what I'd been up to in the workshop recently, and what he did in his spare time, that sort of stuff. A while later he looked just about as alert as ever, smiling at me with a warm gaze as we talked. I, on the other hand, was beginning to feel... not so great.

"Dex, are you alright?" Came Charlie's concerned question when I didn't respond to his previous one of whether I preferred soba or udon noodles (definitely soba, by the way). I started at the sound of my name and looked up at him. "Wha-? Oh, yeah, m’just... feeling kinda woozy, that's all. I just need to eat something and sleep for a while, I'll be okay. We both realized the transfusion machine had finished its work a good half hour ago and we hadn't even noticed. Charlie removed the needle from his arm and hopped down off the stool, kneeling in front of me. I was feeling really sleepy at that point, it's a bit of a blur. I remember Charlie taking the needle out of my arm, too, and setting the transfuser aside. I remember him taking my pulse and briefly pressing his hand to my arm to stop the tiny amount of bleeding... it always felt so warm when he did that. And I think... I think I remember him kissing my forehead, too, although at that point it could've been a half-dream. I'm not sure.

I guess my whole point is that day, I made the single biggest mistake of my life.

I fell in love with a cyber.

(( *Fixer: 'Fixers' are android repairs-people. They became known colloquially known as 'Fixers' in the Theta-4 universe shortly after everyone realized that 'android repairs-person' is a lot of effort to say. ))

[blackroom93]

Second day of Summer Well, 2018 edition

- Was buying some food when Isaac Gracie came on stage. But that doesn't mean I missed his set or something - Dude has a pretty powerful voice. Really liked running on empty and the death of you and I wasn't too shabby either - It was interesting to see him interpolate the chorus from Radiohead's Creep while performing one of his songs. But hey, he has the pipes to pull that off, so I'm not complaining - HMLTD are a special case. For as interesting as they were.... the sound during their set was bordering on being rubbish. For real, I kept wondering whether the tehnical issues will cause me hearing problems - Their energy is pretty good and I think they have something punk about themselves. But maybe that is just me. - Sofi Tukker are really nice and had a crazy energy - Liked the mix of electronica and occasionally guitar. - Really liked Sophie's outfit - They interacted a lot with the audience - Both Sophie and Tucker danced a lot. That meant jumping, hand movements and humping - They did perform Best Friend *wasn't expecting otherwise tbh*, but it did have a bit missing. Specifically Alisa Ueno's. - The Kooks were better than I was expecting. And they seemed nice. -Was kinda surprised that they started with Bad Habit. But I'm not complaining, I love that song. -Also really liked Ooh La La and Always Where I Need To Be -I guess seeing people being really enthusiastic about them made me understand their appeal. -There were lots of interactions with the audience. - Loved the joke about hashtags - Someone in the audience asked them about playing Naive. They answered yes, of course. And they did that. - And they left the stage a few minutes after 11 pm, leaving me with cca 40 minutes to wait until Bastille were going to be on stage. - I forgot how loud Bastille's gigs were. Or, more specifically, how loud their audiences can be (and that is not a bad thing) - It was really nice to see their evolution from when they last headlined the festival. Their gig felt fuller and bigger. - Good Grief was great and the transitions towards Blame and Icarus were really smooth. - I wonder how many people were surprised to see that Dan has a shaved head now. - Dan learned some new phrases in Romanian. At the beginning of the gig - after Blame, if I remember correctly - I heard him say "Bună" (which is Hello), "noi suntem Bastille" (We are Bastille)... only for afterwords to say "Imi pare rău" (I'm sorry) and continue by mentioning "româna mea e varză" (my Romanian is rubbish) - I need to have a talk with whoever taught him the last phrase. - It really feels nice to have Charlie on live performances, cause the dude's efforts are pretty helpful in making them sound greater. And I mean that for both when he plays guitar and keyboards. - Blame sounds great and Icarus sounds like an improvement since the last time I heard it live. - World Gone Mad is, of course, "about how fucked up the world is"(or something similar) . Dan insisted to add some self deprecation to that, downplaying his remark and continuing by saying "it's just us being melodramatic". - I'm surprised to see that Warmth got played, but not Glory. But I'm not complaining, Warmth was pretty great live. -I bet they - and especially Smith - are still in awe over the fact that they collaborated with Craig David. I Know You sounded cool, but not overflowing with enthusiasm and joy. -Also Dan sang a few lines from Durban Skies while performing I Know You. And I was like "Did he just...." - Loved seeing Woody have a walk on stage during The Draw. And encouraging us to make that triangle sign with our fingers. - Yeah, The Currents sounds better live. And if you ever had a doubt, it was connected to political stuff like Trump being in office and Brexit. - It felt awesome to hear my favourite song of theirs - Laura Palmer - being performed live again. - Overjoyed and Two Evils were performed with such conviction and emotion that it kinda made me want to ask Dan if he was ok. - On a brighter side, Kyle and Will sharing a keyboard and hearing Will play guitar were some highlights for me. - I realized that Bad Blood might have some reggae influence. But don't take me seriously on this, ok? - That famous strange cover they made for a mixtape (Of The Night) came back. Dan complained about being bad at dancing *that's not true, Smith* and asked us to get down with him. -Oh, here's another new word in Romanian that he learned : Săriți! (Jump!) - Fake It and Send Them Off were cool. -Dan went in the audience during Flaws. He walked next to me, but I did not hi-five him or touch him ( it was almost impossible with that bodyguard near him and with the bright lights in his eyes). It still felt cool tho. - Then he went towards the sound technicians, where he performed for a bit, standing on something. After that, he went into the crowd, where he was given rainbow colored butterfly wings. - Quarter Past Midnight is apparently the first song on the upcoming album. Said record is coming "soon", in Dan's words. (You never know how soon is soon, tho) - Song's great live. - Love how Pompeii started slow, but then went off like some fireworks, becoming the crowd pleaser that we all know and love. And on which we can jump on. And on which we can yell our lungs out. - Dan joked about leaving us in peace after it, got a drawing from someone in the audience and jumped (like during the rest of the gig). He also wished the audience good night in Romanian. (Which is Noapte Bună, if you were asking) - Bastille were really great live - an improvement compared to 2014 - and definitely worthy of headlining the festival. I can't wait to see them again, whenever that might be. - Overall, day 2 was cool, even exceeding my expectations a little.

[tinkdw]

What was the point of Hannah? I understood her role when she first showed up but towards the end (the start of s10) she didn’t really make sense to me?

Hannah is an exposition for Cas’s emotions and feelings.

I’ve written quite a few times about how Humans and specifically hunters expose Dean’s emotions and Angels and specifically the ones close to him expose his.

There are various characters that are expositions over the years for our protagonists feelings, for Cas they are Anna, Hannah and Chuck, for Dean it’s Amara, Lisa & Ben, Charlie, Mary, all the waitresses etc, Sam’s is Amelia, Sully, Ruby for example.

Sorry this got kinda gif heavy but I think it puts the point across better than just writing it all out, it’s a reminder given some people haven’t seen Hannah or her episodes in a while!

So, Cas’ expositional characters are (nearly all) Angels eg:

x

And the huge one off one, thanks to Hannah no less in 10x01, DANIEL (Cas mirror much) which I’ll go into further down as it’s thanks to Hannah that we even meet Daniel.

So, in this difficult time in season 10 where he is trying to save his brothers and sisters and Dean, where he is half Angel and… well still half Human in a way, one foot in Heaven, one on Earth. There are SO many instances where Cas’ discussions with Hannah show us what Cas wants.

She’s our exposition for Cas’ feelings. She’s the person Cas talks to to tell US, the audience what he’s feeling and what his motivations are.

Main points being: Dean, humanity, free will, choice, hope, love, dreams…

In 10x01:

Cas: “Perhaps I’ve been down here with them for too long. There’s seemingly nothing but chaos. But not all bad comes from it. Art. Hope. Love. Dreams.”Hannah: “But t-those are human things.”Cas: *looking wistful and downcast* “Yes.”

He is wistful not just for Humanity, but for HIS Humanity, to be able to experience it for himself again… This is in the same episode that Cas defends and tries to save the 2 fishing Angels who just want to experience and love Humanity, because he GETS IT. Yes, this is also a potential for him to be an “Earth Angel” but it also shows how he would likely be hunted if so and also this fantastic exchange:

Cas: “Do they – do they put up much of a fight?”Daniel: “The ones who truly want to be free? They do”.

In 10x03:

Cas literally quotes Dean to Hannah about being “fine” then they talk about why possibly Cas would go to help Dean when he is in such bad condition himself (duh).

Hannah literally then replicates CAS’s feelings of worry and putting himself out for DEAN in her interactions with worrying and putting herself out for Cas AND IT COMES ACROSS AS SO ROMANTIC IT MADE EVERYONE LOSE THEIR SHIT THAT THEY WERE GOING TO MAKE HER A LOVE INTEREST FOR CAS, LMAO I CANT EVEN!!

Hannah acting towards Cas a certain way for 3 episodes made people think she was a certified love interest yet Cas doing EXACTLY THE SAME for Dean for 7 years is like oh, no, they’re just #buddies. Facepalm of the utmost facepalm.

Seriously?

So yeah, Hannah is a Cas mirror regarding his feelings of love but she’s also not his mirror regarding her sense of duty and wanting to be in Heaven, enjoying taking orders and the bureaucracy of it all, her place and not enjoying Earth. They are mirrored to show the similarities and the oppositions purposefully to make those obvious regarding CAS.

So when Cas tells her

x  … they’re dangerous… yeah Cas. Cos you’re doing really well at not letting those emotions and feelings lead you into your own suicidal mission to save Dean. Right. Gotcha…

I mean it’s not like anyone else is pointing this out either…

x

OK, there is loads more Hannah / Cas stuff that is about Dean.

I mean…. the whole Cas/Hannah thing was paralleled with Dean/other random women and Cas/Dean throughout season 10. It’s BLATANTLY paralleled. How often have we seen Dean and Cas lounging in bed naked? And it happens to be in the same episode? 

COULD THIS BE MORE MY BOYFRIEND HAS GONE OFF THE RAILS BECAUSE HE THINKS HE’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME AND IS SHAGGING ABOUT AND I MISS HIM?!

Then Dean and Cas kissing women? In the same episode? I mean….

Whilst Hannah is putting the moves on Cas. 

She’s trying to seduce him and he shows he’s kinda sexually interested in general by taking a second to look at her ass, just not with Hannah, he sees them as a sibling is all and ahem, he has other priorities… his “mission” to save Dean as he tells her blatantly and textually whilst also letting her down romantically.

I MEAN JEEZ. He literally tells her he’s not romantically interested in her and emotions and feelings are dangerous and tells her that his priority is DEAN, in the same way that her priority was him. HELLO?!?!

“This mission. It’s everything” he tells Hannah, whilst saying the mission is saving Dean. Yet more “you are my everything” comments between these two. URGH.

(JUST ADMIT YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO EACH OTHER ALREADY!!!!!!)

DEAN IS CAS’ MISSION NOW. Cough. Sibling v Romantic… ahem.

But yeah, so Hannah is part of the love triangle (in Crowley’s position kind of on the other side, so we have Hannah>Cas>

BUT mostly she’s just our exposition about CAS and this is just a part of it. 

Through her he experiences more of Humanity, she watches him sleeping, covers him with a blanket, she is told that Cas is a good guy, not to be lost… we get this beautiful scene thanks to her

Which then finally leads in this episode to this scene:

x Which then ties up this storyline, he’s got his grace back, he’s going to miss the joy, the smiling, but it also stops the pain… “It’s easier this way”.

Then we have Daniel. Beautiful Daniel the massive Cas mirror in our exposition episode, 10x01 for the season.

First Hannah gives us the “ultimatum”, tells us that Cas cannot be anything but an Angel (I’m laughing quietly in the background sipping tea).

Then Daniel reveals Cas’ journey so far, and watch Cas’ face as he listens!

*sobbing noises* thank you again @postmodernmulticoloredcloak for the gifs :D

(Which of course reminds me of #season who we are 13. Of course. Because this is STILL a huge thing in Cas’ journey).

So yeah, Cas’ arc does not solely revolve around Dean and Hannah doesn’t solely work as a love interest contrast, but she also gives us insight into so many other aspects of Cas’ character, the biggest one of which being his humanity but also his desire not to follow orders and have free will in contrast to Hannah, that he loves children, that he will always want to help people, that he now does feel emotions, feelings, love etc, those human things he told her about… 

We see through Hannah the things that Cas craves, that he desires, what he wants from life.

Hannah is amazing. She’s our sidekick character for Cas to tell us what he wants out loud so it’s obvious.

Things like “gee whizz you know what? I actually really want to be human! I love my free will! Yep I clearly love Dean but you know, let’s not make a big deal out of it or anything by making you look like my love interest thanks to exactly the same tropes in direct comparison and me running around putting his life before mine. Anyway, I don’t want to be part of the cog of the machine of Heaven anymore, even with a power up/promotion NO THANK YOU! I actually love all the things I’ve experience here even when they were bad! Hannah, I’m just not like you. You are a soldier and I am not, I’ve fallen, I’m making my own choices now and I’m trying to teach you, but it just shows how different I am now and how I don’t belong in Heaven with you guys and how not all Angels can or would want to fall. I AM DIFFERENT”.

[groundramon]

Homph I finished tri and I wrote down my thoughts as I was watching because I had too many funny shitposts and nobody to share them with bc charlie hasn’t watched tri yet

PS i wont be reblogging tri spoilers (besides MINOR stuff like, digivolutions of already confirmed digivolution lines or non-spoilery shitposts, but I’ll try to tag shitposts as #tri spoilers anyways [digivolutions specific to tri ill tag as well but not ones that were already basically confirmed]) for a while so ur safe here!  I’m just gonna like everything/most things because then I can rb em to hisyaryumon lmao (also u should check out hisyaryumon....its me n charlie’s digimon blog)

EP 1:

- ok. alright. ok. good. they’re dealing with kari’s emotions now instead of just. nothing.  ok. alright. cool.  Still dont like how obscure/”artsy” they’re being with it, this is digimon not kagerou project, but ok.

- Also. I stand by tk and kari being one of the few good straight ships in digimon.  just saying.

- kari: this is my fault... me: god damn it shut up you little brat also me: god relatable ALSO me: ill take whatever display of emotions i can get

- I love how nobody believes tai is dead like.  They’re upset and worried but they’re also like “nah. he cant be. that fucking asshole just left us in our time of need” (actually only matt is the last one)

- Gabumon i would die for you also im crying and I think that’s the first time tri managed to make me fucking CRY

EP 2:

- I had thoughts but then the 02 kids happened and I entered another plane of reality.  I don’t feel real right now

- the only one I can remember is evil!gennai being a dumbass and being like “SUFFER AND SQUIRM YOU PATHETIC HUMANS AS YOU FIGHT OVER THE LAST SEAT” 1. humans are KNOWN for their ability to care for others you dumb obvious fuck and 2. is. is the entire tube going? because that tube can fit too people if they squish.  This isn’t a joke I’m serious it can.

- oh yeah also when i saw whomstever the fuck his name is (adult guy who i love but fuck names) and he was all bloodied i was like “its a cold day in hell when i see blood in digimon” (I think there was blood in an earlier ep but shh idc)

EP 3:

- didn’t nishijima start off as a fucking life coach to these kids.  What the fuck he was supposed to help them find a career not emotionally scar them by bloodily dying in front of one of them

- im realizing that the reason hackmon was always in his cloak, in the shadows, standing still is that they cannot animate him in any normal position for the life of him.  I drew him with better anatomy when i was 14 and didn’t have a tablet.  No seriously, look:

I didn’t say it wasn’t bad, you guys are just underestimating how bad the anatomy on this poor creature is.  Why cant ppl draw dracomon or hackmon correctly imma cry

- ordinemon has the best reaction faces

the best part about these two screenshots is that they literally cut one to the other, first the first one to the second one and then it cuts back to the first one.  They were really proud of these stupid ass expressions.

- I started overcoming my dissociation shock from the second episode and my hypercritical mind was analyzing the shit out of everything that happened (it is Not happy) but then evil!gennai called kari and evil goddess and idk if he’s exaggerating to make her feel bad or if she’s literally a fucking god of chaos and destruction and either way im like

she did kinda like.  Watch wizardmon die, watch tai die, watch gatomon get absorbed.  The dark ocean is just a metaphor for depression and honestly if 02 wasn’t all over the fucking place I think Kari would’ve had some pretty decent development in it.  Actually you know what, I’m using that as an angle to approach Tri at now, wish me luck bc i might actually give it more leeway now

EP 4:

- I’m not dissociating but I forgot to say anything again and I already forgot what happened

- Cant believe mei is fucking dead

EP 5:

- I like to imagine that Tai got there like a few minutes ago, but he was like “well damn guess yall figured it out without me.  alright ill just. see if I need to do anything” and then meicoomon was Still Bad so he waited for when she struck just to make the most badass entrance possible.  Fucking extra ass bitch

- I forgot to write anything again but uhhh I wasn’t satisfied so anyways lets just get into the Juicy Details

Originally I was actually planning to be kinder to Tri than I expected.  Was very invested during it.  ‘Round the end of the last ep I realized hmmm no this isn’t working out.  Where are the 02 kids.  You should’ve brought them in to save the day.  That would’ve been SO cool and SO fun.  Fucking cowards.

god I’m kinda tired so I’m going to address a couple things I still had problems with, note that this isn’t everything it’s just everything I felt comfortable yelling about without rewatching past eps.  Like I forgot nishijima was all bloodied and presumably died in the last part until they brought it up and I was like “????” ALSO DID THE LADY WHO WAS HIS PARTNER OR W/E KILL HERSELF WITH THE GUN SHE FOUND, I JUST REALIZED LITERALLY AS I WAS TYPING THIS THAT SHE FOUND A GUN AND THEN I THINK IT CUT TO BLACK AND I’M

DID SHE FUCKING KILL HERSELF WHAT THE FUCK

anyways my problems:

1. They did joe. really dirty.  I’ll write a more proper rant on this sometime later (mostly bc charlie is MUCH better at talking about joe than I am) but basically I can tell you that his character development in the movies squandered his OG character development.  He’s basically an entirely different person.  Like Tri joe isn’t bad, besides being largely neglected (yes he has a whole half a movie to himself, no that doesn’t make up for it all), its just...not OG joe.  He’s a fine character just not the same character, and its NOT fine when you put the two together.

2. THEY DID THE 02 KIDS EVEN DIRTIER IM SO BITTER sorry you nostalgia-blind, money-hungry fucks at bandai, but the 02 cast is PART OF THE ADVENTURES UNIVERSE.  The only people who hate 02 are ones who like the characters but hate the mess of the storyline at the end, or are completely irrational and elitist about their love of the digimon series and would greatly re-evaluate their opinions if they watched the original series and 02 back to back.  They couldn’t even show them in some kind of group montage at the end??? Standing in the background when they call Mei???  Why couldn’t they call mei from a home phone also, but that’s a less important problem idc that much.  It was a cute scene besides the lack of 02 characters.  Whatever.  AND THE PROBLEM IS LIKE kari and tk?  This entire time???  Were like “oh they disappeared. oops” instead of being frantically searching for their lost friends???  Like i get tk and kari probably have fucking ptsd and can’t express any emotions because they watched important people die in front of their eyes at an incredibly young age but also 1. they didn’t address the ramifications of ptsd, so fuck that theory/excuse and 2. THAT??? WOULD ONLY MAKE THEM LOOK HARDER??? and put on a brave face as they look, but inside they’re so scared and so worried.  Not just “oh sweet, they were found/saved, theyre in the hospital but that’s fine” like WHAT theyre fucking assholes if that’s what they’d canonically do lmao.  God I am SO bitter over the ENTIRE thing with the 02 kids, it would’ve been BETTER if they were deleted from the fucking canon entirely.  Would I have still been bitter?  Yes.  But at least I wouldn’t be madder at TK and Kari too.

3. I stand 100% by the notion that Digimon is not and will never be cut out to be an adults’ franchise.  It wasn’t designed for adults, and it can’t be skewered towards adults.  These particular characters were designed for kids to relate to and find entertaining.  They do not work when placed into an adult setting.  Like, can you imagine a character like Ed from FMA going to the Digimon world?  I guess in a way that’s just Marcus but like.  Just imagine the FMA cast in Digimon Adventure.  It doesn’t work.  Digimon Tri is basically that except real.  Also Data Squad was darker than Adventure so my joke doesn’t even work.

I guess my primary point is that Tri isn’t mature enough of a setup for an adult audience.  It puts a focus on being “complex” and “philosophical” instead of working within Digimon’s constraints and making something good and adult out of that.  Like!  Digimon is a fucking TOY COMMERCIAL.  Don’t give me messages about the futility of human life.  I want bad puns and emotional characters.  That’s what Digimon has ALWAYS been, and ideally always will be.  Tri could’ve made itself more mature by dealing with the ramifications of the Digital World’s events, how it affected the kids psychologically and dealing with healing old scars.  It would’ve been a more mature take on a story we loved and would use things we loved about the story already - the fact that it took so much time exploring characters’ emotions and was surprisingly mature for the time - to make itself better.  You need to take the aspects that drew adults to the show and amplify them, not just slap on a complex story and unfunny dialogue and be like “oh this is fine, right?”

It’s not that Digimon can’t exist as an adult property, its just that if it repeats what Tri did, it’s got no merit and in my eyes the franchise is dead.  If it survives I guess I’ll be happy that people can still enjoy it but I find it unsustainable and unsatisfying to fans of the older series.  Tri is just a fuckfest of highly specific nostalgia that tries too hard to appeal to old fans without capturing what made the original series so magical, and in part thats because the original series WASN’T FOR ADULTS.  I don’t know about the Digimon Story games, bc they’re T-rated so perhaps they’re a better take on an adult Digimon story than Tri?  But you either need to make your own characters and lore specifically for an adult-oriented Digimon season, or perish.  Also, please make it a series and not a group of movies.  Getting four eps every 6-9 months was hell.

I stand by saying Appmon is a more faithful Digimon season than Tri to Digimon’s original spirit.  I believe it holds more potential for success than Tri and better embodies the spirit of the older Digimon seasons.  It’s dumb, its corny, it has horrible puns, but I LOVE it because it also has a deep dark story and emotional moments.  If you dislike Tri and you agree with things I said that make it unlikeable, I highly recommend giving Appmon a chance - if you watch a few episodes and think “oh yeah, I guess this is decent” you’re going to like it.  It’s everything Digimon has always been and hopefully always will be, just with a different concept.  And hopefully the end of the series doesn’t leave a sour taste in my mouth and I have to redact this statement haha since I’m not done with it yet, but I’ve heard good things about it so I’m hoping not so.

Overall, if you watch Tri, don’t get your hopes up.  It resolves everything okay-ish but it’s a pretty forgettable anime on its own and simply doesn’t work as part of the Digimon franchise.

I am, however, pretty interested in what evil!gennai said at the end about Diaboromon and Daemon.  It raises interesting questions about the timeline too.  We know Daemon is in the dark ocean, so perhaps that’s a hint at a future project?  (They did confirm a future project btw, in conjunction with tri being over)  But what about Diaboromon?  I dont believe that Our War Game (I think thats what its called?) took place after Tri, based on the outfits and ages and stuff, but I also don’t remember the movies that well.  Could Diaboromon still be out there too?  It’s interesting.

However, because of the lackluster performance of Tri, I don’t have my hopes up and I really hope that this “next project” goes in a different direction.  Although I guess if they include the 02 kids, I’ll be somewhat less salty...

Side note, did they ever explain why the gennais went evil?  Like ?  That’s a pretty important thing.  The gennais helped SAVE the human world in 02.  And I get that apparently Tri is ignoring 02′s ending but still.  It’s shitty, because Gennai was still a good guy in the original too (and also they cant just keep is younger look and act like 02 never happened)  MAYBE its something I missed but I dont think so.  God there’s just.  So much wrong with Tri.  I’m very displeased and very bitter and I wanna get back to Appmon asap.

It’s got good moments, its got bad moments, I dont know, I don’t care.  There’s nothing wrong with you if you like it, there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you flip flop and are split like me.  I just wish Tri fulfilled its potential instead of becoming a boring mess.