#sorry but there's way too much shallowness about these matters from some people

[tiger-moran]

Not to darken the mood but why are so many people complaining about """scam discourse""" (some people really need to have the word 'discourse' taken away from them, I swear) and apparently jumping to assuming anyone who's suspicious about some of the Gaza fundraisers must be actually accusing Palestinian people of somehow trying to scam them? I don't believe for a second that's what most people are concerned about, the people who are actually willing to donate money aren't all going around accusing Palestinian people of making up that they have little kids or faking that they have sick elderly parents or whatever. They are just rightly concerned that some of these blogs claiming to be people in desperate need in Gaza are really some kind of spam bot set up to scam people or they are actually other people who have nothing whatsoever to do with Gaza or Palestinians lying about being someone trapped in Gaza cos they think that's an easy way to get money for themselves. Sorry but when it comes to the latest """hot issue""" for people to go on and on about (until the point where they forget about it and move on to obsessing over something else of course), too many people seem to lose all critical thinking skills. Time and time again people have lied about all sorts of stuff to get money for themselves; people have been scammed out of many thousands of pounds or dollars or whatever other currency in plenty of cases and often entirely because they were trying to be kind. There have been so many scams even just on tumblr, people getting scammed out of money for creative projects or people getting scammed by people lying about vets bills when all they've done is stolen photos of an abused animal from an actual legitimate animal rescue charity for instance. The scammers end up running off with people's money and are probably laughing all the way to the bank while the actual needy causes get nothing. But then it comes to this and suddenly apparently we're just supposed to trust every single one of the thousands and thousands of people asking for money? Even the ones that are so obviously just bots? Even the ones who ask for money through sites nobody's ever even heard of? Or the ones who ask you to just donate straight to their paypal account? And even though the more scammers get donated to, the more real actual people in desperate need lose out (which in some cases may well be effectively a death sentence for them).

Also I know damned well if a lot of people are accusing people in Gaza of just lying about having kids or sick grandparents or whatever then they're the people who were never going to donate anything to any of them anyway, they're not the people who do want to actually help them.

[nana-au]

could you write an inumaki smut where reader asks him to use his cursed speech on her>.< BTW I LOVE YOUR WRITING SO MUCH ITS SO GOOOOD

haii anon, ur wish is my command! i hope you like the direction i took with this! it starts out dramatic, but i thought it would be fun to have a backstory. sorry if it made it too long tho ;( thank you so much for the request and the compliment! all luv ♡♡♡

����𝐎 𝐀𝐒 𝐘𝐎𝐔'𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐎𝐋𝐃

Toge Inumaki ♡

₊˚ପ⊹ summary: you survive an attack by a curse all thanks to your boyfriend, toge, but for some reason you can’t stop thinking about what else his cursed technique might be able to do. 

₊˚ପ⊹ warnings: graphic violence, minor character death, angst/hurt/comfort, wet dream, f!receiving oral, f!masturbation, unprotected sex, semi-rough sex, stomach bulging, hitting your cervix, creampie

₊˚ପ⊹ a/n: toge is aged up to a young adult (around 20-24) with an established relationship to reader. toge communicates with reader via sign language. i’m a little hesitant to tag this as dom! toge but he gets pretty rough in this. also i gave him a long dick... lol. 

₊˚ପ⊹ wc: 5.9k+

MDNI

𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

Somehow, someway, you had gone your entire relationship with Toge having never experienced the other part of his life. The part he so desperately shielded you from, only ever vaguely explaining his line of work. The day that all changed, you couldn’t fathom the way things used to be. How you used to leave your house without a second thought and how you weren’t sick with concern when Toge was called away with work.

You remember it like it was yesterday. 

𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

“You want?” he signed to you, eyes crinkling in a smile. Your cheeks flushed realizing you had stopped in the middle of the street to stare inside an arcade. You couldn’t help it when you saw a claw machine from where you two were walking. Your favorite Sanrio character sat pretty inside the glass and Toge, being your doting boyfriend, made it his mission to win it for you. 

You two worked together to edge it closer and closer to the shallow drop built into the machine, but it sure wasn’t turning out to be an easy task. You patted him on the back, telling him it was okay if he couldn’t get it – that you loved him regardless for trying so hard. But you should have known better than to say that. He wasn’t going to stop until he had that stuffed animal in your arms, no matter how thin his wallet was starting to feel. Under his thick scarf his tongue stuck out in concentration, studying all sides of the machine before letting the arm down again. It latched, and you two stood still holding your breaths. The claw made its way over to the slot, weakly holding onto the tag of the plushie, swinging it side to side. The both of you leaned impossibly close, not believing what was in front of your eyes. The stuffed animal inched over the plastic edge, putting up resistance and shaking the claw. You gasped, eyes wide as you willed the claw to maintain its strength. Just as it made it over the edge, the claw released and the soft body of your new friend hit the bottom of the slot. You didn’t even have a moment to celebrate when the ground shook violently, screams piercing the air. Your head whipped towards the street, watching as people ran down the street frantically shoving each other while trying to get away from something you couldn’t see. It was mere seconds that you went from standing in front of the claw machine to feeling Inumaki’s strong hands pulling you into him. You met his wild eyes and if you weren’t terrified before, seeing the flash of fear in his face was enough to make your entire body shake. Being a regular human you were completely blind and deaf to the curse just a few yards up the street, screeching and gurgling as it tore through the crowd but from the look on his face you knew. You were terrified, and so was he. 

He didn’t find it pertinent to explain in the moment but he had dealt with curses his entire life; he couldn’t feel fear in the face of even the strongest curse at this point, but the knowledge that you were so close to danger had bile burning the walls of his throat. He wasted almost no time dragging you to the back of the arcade and into the ‘employee’s only’ supply closet. If he wasn’t deeply opposed to using his cursed technique on the people he loved he would have commanded you to sit and stay until he came back for you. Instead he signed it, pleading with his eyes for you to listen. You nodded and he squeezed your hand before kissing your forehead. His silent promise he would be back soon. 

When soon came and went you began to get antsy. A couple of patrons and employees hid along with you, all of you huddled together in fear as chaos tore through the commercial district. You didn’t dare consider coming out of hiding without Toge’s say-so, and you didn’t for quite some time. But time kept passing with no sign of him or the curse. Not that you could hear it anyways. You held your breath in anticipation, ears focused for any sign of danger. That was when you heard a voice. First it was a couple of faint whimpers that soon turned into desperate screams. The people hidden with you kept still, not daring to find the source of the sound. At first you ignored it, wanting to obey your boyfriend’s simple command meant to keep you safe – but it became too much for you. From her voice alone you could hear how much pain she was in and that being the only noise you heard in a while, it lulled you into a sense of security. Against your better judgment and against what Toge wanted, you got up, softly opening the door of the stuffy closet you were hidden in before crouching cautiously through the arcade. As you got closer to the street you began to shake again. The streets were almost unrecognizable. The decorations you saw not even an hour ago were strewn across the pavement, along with merchandise from various stores and trampled food from the vendors that lined the strip. You even noted how some buildings' entire structures were missing, leaving jagged craters where the pieces of stone once resided.  You let out a huff, remembering why you came out in the first place, finally stepping out of the doorless entryway. You peered your head, trying to find the woman you were looking for, struggling to see anyone amongst the ruined street. 

It took you a moment, but the sounds of her struggle got louder and louder until you noticed a hand peeking out from some rubble. You got on your knees immediately, clearing the debris around you until her face came into view. 

“Oh thank god!” she cried out, relieved to see another human being. “Help me please! I’m stuck,” at her words you began to realize her figure was pinned beneath a large chunk of stone, just barely propped up by another equally large slab, keeping her torso from being completely flattened.

“It looks really heavy,” you responded, barely above a whisper, your nerves still on high alert. “I’ll try my best,” you promised her, not wanting to show how doomed the situation looked from your perspective. You weighed out the option of sitting with her while you waited for help. You don’t think you could live with yourself if you ended up seriously injuring her, but you didn’t want to just give up without trying. You got to work, bracing yourself before using all of your strength against the slab that currently kept her pinned to the ground. You struggled to get the chunk to even budge, a drop of sweat falling from your hairline. The woman began wailing from the realization that your attempt was futile, panic overwhelming her again.

“You can’t get it? Oh god… I’m gonna die here!” her words tore through the air and you leaned in close, trying to shush her.

“I’m trying my best!” you pleaded with her, “please ma’am,” you begged, still scared to speak too loudly. She couldn’t hear you under the loud noises of her own terror, her screeches echoing in the street. Your throat grew dry, desperately trying to plead with the woman to keep her voice down. “Please we have to be quiet,” you begged, tempted to cover her mouth with your palm to keep her voice down. Fat tears dropped on the pavement, her shrill cries only getting louder. “Pleas-” your final plea was interrupted by a wave of hot fluid covering your face. You barely closed your eyes in time before you were covered in the blood of the woman in front of you. Upon realizing the horror of what happened, you saw the creature in front of you; its muscular form shook from the force of its laugh, admiring what it had done. And what it did was jump on the stone, bringing it down onto her body and forcefully crushing her, causing a spray of her blood and guts to cover you and the surrounding area. Staring up at the ugly, bulging figure in front of you, you realized this is what a curse is. Its skin was an unnatural blue. Its eyes – no, single eye, was swollen; covering half of its face. Could you even consider that a face? 

It was a creature that had to have been dredged up from the pits of hell and you shuddered at the realization your boyfriend saw this and worse on a daily basis. Tears welled up in your eyes. You were proud and grateful and terrified and about twelve other emotions as you considered the fact your boyfriend did everything he could to keep people like you from ever having to see a face that ugly. 

Your vision became unfocused, your entire body frozen in fear as the hideous thing in front of you giggled to itself, blathering complete gibberish while its long arm reached out to you. You would have never assumed yourself to be one to freeze in a near death situation, but you did.

(Looking back you wonder if your body had accepted its fate before your brain did). 

You began to understand that you weren’t going to be one of those innocent people Toge saved. The thought of it tore you from the inside, but it wasn’t enough to get your body to cooperate with your racing mind. You were going to die. Brutally and forcefully – and Toge was going to hate himself forever for it.   

The curse’s hand covered your throat, its meaty hand squeezing your delicate neck before its movement was cut off abruptly by a booming, “EXPLODE!”

𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

That night Toge cried as he cleaned the blood and goo from your figure. His sobs were almost devoid of sound and you weren’t in any state to register the tears that fell from his eyes; but he was as he scrubbed the gore from you. You were in complete shock after the events, hardly registering the warm bath water or the rough washcloth he held in his hand, swiping over the skin of your forehead for the hundredth time. Like he was desperately trying to remove the memory of what occurred from your mind.

𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

A month passed by and arguing became your new norm with Inumaki. Every time his phone rang indicating a new curse needed to be exercised, (and that happened often), you two went to war; with you begging him to get a new job, and him, insisting that was not an option for him. Your conclusion from the event was that you didn’t ever want him in a position as deadly as facing a curse again. While his conclusion from that day was there were so many yous out there that needed his protection. People were unknowingly counting on him to bring their loved ones home safe. He didn’t want anyone to experience what he almost had. It was pertinent that he save as many people as he could from the grief of losing someone so important.

You just didn’t understand why it had to be your boyfriend doing the saving. It was a selfish thought, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to feel guilty for thinking it.

𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

More months went by and the hurricane that was once your relationship had calmed again, and things were as normal as both of you could manage after that day. You two shared snacks while you played Mario Party, laughing together as you both tried your hardest to screw the other one over. Usually to the detriment of each other. After the third game you both managed to lose to the NPCs, silence washed over your living room. Neither of you wanted to acknowledge the fact that silences were no longer comfortable in your relationship.

“You ok?” he signed to you, his brows furrowing, indicating he wanted more than a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. 

You take a shaky breath, “I just can’t get it out of my mind..” you begin to trail off and he roughly shakes his head, like he was trying to rid the thought from his own brain. He hated talking about what happened, that being part of the reason silences just didn’t feel the same anymore because you just couldn’t not talk about it. He didn’t expect you to be okay already, but he also wasn’t okay. You two were on opposite sides of the spectrum. You needed the emotional release words brought but he started to suffocate the second those words were out in the air.

You ignore his nonverbal cues to stop, bulldozing through them. “No, Toge, I need to talk about it,” he is still begging you with his eyes to stop but you don’t acknowledge it. “Toge, I’m scared to leave the house!” you don’t realize how loud you are until his usual silence contrasts with your voice. You embrace your negative emotions, only getting louder, “I’m more scared watching you leave!” 

“No. Don’t. I’m fine,” his eyes plead with you. You already know you have no reason to fear his safety, especially when compared to yours but your irrational anxiety doesn’t care.

“I’m scared you will leave one day and never come back,” and after you say that your bottom lip begins to quiver and your tears pool at the bottom of your eyes and he’s quick to pull you into his lap; stroking your hair and planting kisses on your temple. He desperately wants to tell you not to worry about him, but it’s hypocritical because he hasn’t let you so much as walk down the block without him. He can’t find the words to comfort you and he’s stuck with nothing else to do but hold you in his arms and wipe your tears as they fall. He pulls back from your embrace to look into your eyes. His eyebrows are drawn up in concern for you, his eyes locking onto yours. Even as you drown in your sadness you can’t help but smile meekly at your boyfriend. You love how expressive his face is and the fact you don’t even need sign language to know what he is thinking and feeling. His sharp jaw is clenched, mouth twitching as he focuses on trying to read your own features. You think what you love even more about his face being an open book is how handsome it is – and how you never want to go a day without seeing it. You lean in slowly, touching your lips to his softly and he responds by pulling you even closer, his palm flat on your upper back. He deepens it, eyes fluttering shut from the feeling of your plush lips on his. And he’s not the only one thinking about how he never wants to go a day without your beautiful face.

𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

To say your sex life suffered after that incident would be an understatement. You couldn’t find it in you to even consider something as trivial as sex while you stewed in your emotional turmoil; but as more time passed and the more you recovered the more even the most simple of touches from your boyfriend drove you crazy. His bare knee bumping against yours on the couch as you two played video games together or his hand grazing yours while you two worked together to cook dinner in your kitchen – it all made you mad. You felt like a virgin all over again – it was becoming impossible to ignore the innocent things he did that drove you mad. The mere sight of him stretching, arms raised and mouth in a yawn, revealing the happy trail that sat between his defined v-line – it made you feel like a Victorian man seeing a woman’s ankle for the first time. Even watching the way he ran his fingers through his hair, causing the light blonde tufts to stick up and frame his dreamy face in the morning was enough to spike a high grade fever in you.

It really should have been no surprise to you when you fell asleep one night, only to dream of his blonde tufts sticking out from between your thighs. His tongue languidly lapping at your folds, his eyes never leaving yours. 

“F-fuck Toge,” you whimper, his flat muscle pressing deliciously against your clit. Your body shudders from pleasure, thighs threatening to squeeze his head but his strong arms hold them against the bed. His hips rut into the mattress, trying to relieve his aching cock as he sucked your pleasurable little nub, reeling at the cute noises you were making. “God it feels so good,” you sigh, unable to keep your hips still as he continued his attack. You can’t help but grab your tits, squeezing them roughly in your small hands as you run your thumbs over your hardened nipples – tweaking and pulling at them to enhance your pleasure. You forgot Toge was watching you, too caught up in your own little world – so when your hands go back down to grab your sheets you’re shocked to hear his rough voice.

“Keep teasing your nipples,” he begs. Your head lifts from the bed to see the spit and arousal that drips from his chin, his eyes drinking you in. You only have a moment to feel the shock of hearing his voice – realizing you had only ever heard it that day and through your dream state you recognize you don’t have an option not to obey him, hands reaching for your chest again. He goes back to what he was doing, using his flat tongue to lick a stripe from your entrance all the way to your clit before flicking the tip of it lightly against your clit. You’re squeezing your nipples, shaking with amplified lust realizing he’s the reason why you’re hands glued to your chest, working yourself up along with his mouth.  “Answer me, does my tongue feel good?” and not a second passes before you tell him yes, your chest heaving and entrance clenching, never realizing how much you needed his voice while he’s making you feel this good. You’re still tweaking your nipples, body unconsciously waiting for him to tell you to stop and you’re not sure how much longer you’re going to be able to last when he asks you, “Does my good girl want me to tell her to come on my tongue?” your body alights with intoxicating arousal as you’re telling him yes. It comes out needy and more like a beg and his tongue between your folds becomes sloppy listening to you lose yourself to him. His lips form a seal around your nub, sucking harshly before going back to licking it, speeding up his movements. The entire time his eyes have not left yours but you were so lost in pleasure yours had begun to shut… and Inumaki thought that just won’t do. “Eyes on mine,” you barely have time to process his gruff voice before you obey him, opening your eyes to meet his, half lidded with lust. You bite your lower lip and he grunts into your sopping pussy, the vibration enough to make you want to roll your eyes back but they’re glued to his no matter what. 

“I want to grab your hair,” you beg him, hands still working your sensitive nipples, causing you to wince as each pinch reaches deeper and deeper into your core. He pulls away from your lips, taking a moment to kiss the inside of your thigh before giving you permission. 

“Go ahead, grab my hair,” your hand flies down to his head, fisting his blond locks and shoving his face into your pussy. He’s back to moaning into your plush lips at your needy actions, trying desperately to ease the pain from his hard on by massaging his hips against your soft mattress. Before long you’re shaking under his tongue and you were gonna come even without his command but dream Toge knew it was exactly what you needed. His lips detached from your sopping cunt, eyes droopy and chest heaving before he whispered, “Cum for me baby,” and your pleasure reached its peak. Fuck that. It reaches the peakest of peaks. You have never felt an orgasm as strong as you do right now. Your hips shake violently at his command, pleasure tearing its way through you, not leaving a single nerve untouched as you come hard. You’re practically crying, your dreamself not sure about the logistics of his technique, but it settles on you not being able to stop cumming unless he tells you to. 

You wake up in your own sticky mess, your core still alight from the intensity of your dream while you desperately try to catch your breath. 

𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

Thankfully you had woken up in bed alone, giving you ample time to clean up and throw the sheets in the wash. You spent your entire day off in a daze, doing your tasks on autopilot while being unable to stop thinking about the dream you had. You weren’t sure how you were going to be able to look Inumaki in the eyes once he got back from whatever mission he was called to while you slept – and you weren’t sure you would even be capable of ignoring the constant pulsing need once you finally saw his face. You would surely picture the one from your dream, eyes clouded with desire and mouth coated with your slick. You used your hand to fan yourself, your thoughts making you hot all over. 

𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

It didn’t take long before you found yourself back in the bed the two of you share. The sheets now fresh and warm as they embraced your naked figure. You found it impossible to ignore the promising call of relief once you finished making the bed – giving in and stripping off your clothes, crawling into his spot. You started slowly, teasing the soft skin of your stomach. Trailing your fingers lightly up and down your taut belly, your muscles stiff with excitement. Your nipples hardened from the cool air and you brought one hand up to rub the peak, remembering the contents of your dream – causing you to sigh listlessly. While your one hand focused on your pebbled nipple your other drifted lower and lower until it reached your soft folds, already damp with your arousal. Your middle digit dipped into your entrance, spreading your slick around and teasing the velvety skin. 

You took your time teasing your pussy, working yourself up and disappearing into your own world. 

𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

Inumaki wasn’t sure where you had gone when he came back home later that day, slick with perspiration and muscles aching from a hard day of work. He began stripping off his dirt-caked clothes before making it to the bathroom, taking off the remainder of his clothes and stepping into the shower, letting the hot water run down his body. He scrubbed the dirt and sweat from his skin quickly, eager to get out and find out where you went. It was unusual for you not to be in the living room waiting for him and ever since that incident it made him anxious to not know where you were at all times — but he trusted if you left the house you would have told him. You must be somewhere inside. 

It didn't take long for him to finish rinsing off the residual bubbles from his body before he grabbed his towel, quickly drying off and stepping out of the tub. He massaged the towel through his locks, shaking off the remaining water droplets hanging from his light blond strands before tying the towel around his waist. Without much thought, he decided to check your shared bedroom first. 

He walked down the hall to the door of your shared bedroom, pushing open the cracked door before stopping dead in his tracks – mouth agape at the sight in front of him: Your naked body was splayed out on the plush covers of your bed, eyes closed, and eyebrows drawn up in concentration – fingers knuckle deep in your cunt. His mouth grew dry while he watched you touch yourself – still unaware of his presence. “Toge,” you whimpered out, “Want you to tell me to, mmm-!” your finger curled, grazing against the spongy spot of your pussy, “-tell me to play with my tits again,” you cry out. He almost chokes on air listening to your words, dick tenting in the towel around his waist. His mind races, trying to fathom what you had just said – struggling to focus through the sounds of your wet pussy filling the room.

“Do you really want me to say that?” he said aloud, his throat constricting from the unfamiliar feeling of using his voice around you. He had only ever communicated with you through sign language – far too scared to accidentally hurt you with his cursed technique. But here you were, squirming on the bed while you touched yourself to the thought of him telling you what to do – and it had been so long since he last got to feel your plush walls squeeze around his cock…

Your body jumped in surprise but you didn’t have the chance to do anything other than respond honestly to him, an urgent ‘yes’ quickly leaving your lips. “Toge, I didn’t realize you were home-” you start to explain yourself, embarrassed he caught you as you were wrapped up in your fantasy. You sit up, leaning against your elbows but he stops you by climbing onto the bed  – pinning your body between his two arms. 

He tries to consider everything he should say to you. If he was in any better of a state he would have stopped what was happening to talk about why it was so important for him to keep his mouth shut. It was pertinent he protected you from himself. As a regular human you had no clue what kind of responsibility he held with his cursed technique. He made a promise to himself that he would never talk outside of his missions. He was too scared to ever hurt someone – or to tell them to do something they couldn’t help but obey by the power of his words alone. It was important for you to realize this; it was also important for him to stop the filthy thoughts swirling around his own mind that made his dick twitch from under the towel. Guilt swirled in his stomach as he pictured exactly what he wanted to say to you – to make you do. If he was in any better of a state the guilt wouldn’t have been clouded by the intoxicating feeling of his need, telling him to do whatever it took to have you. 

“Do you really want me to?” he says aloud again, giving you one more chance to think about it before he could no longer hold himself back. Your ‘yes’ was only louder this time, eyes pleading as you shook with anticipation. “Take my towel off,” he says, throat bobbing as he watched you immediately do as you were told. He shuddered at the cool air as it hit his wet tip, precum dripping down the long shaft. He contemplated his next words, debating if he should have you take his cock in your mouth or if he should skip to his favorite part. “Open your mouth,” he commanded, and you had no choice but to obey. It was disgusting how much he was starting to enjoy this, your eyes lidded with want as you did what you were told. You would have done anything he asked even without his cursed technique – he knew this. That’s why while he felt guilty it wasn’t going to stop him from sticking two fingers into your mouth, massaging your tongue. “Suck my fingers, baby,” your mouth closed on his digits, sucking sweetly on his fingers while he continued to wiggle them around. His fingers began reaching deeper into your mouth – almost touching your throat causing you to gag a little. Regardless, you were still sucking on them with all you had and his hips bucked at the thought of his cock replacing his fingers. But with how sensitive he currently was he knew he wasn’t going to last very long – and your mouth wasn’t the place he wanted to cum in. His eyes wandered down to your cunt, lips slick with your arousal from when you had finger fucked yourself earlier – the skin a little red from your needy actions. Without much thought, he began to stroke his long cock with the hand that wasn’t currently in your mouth, his want growing watching you squirm. He took his fingers from your mouth, moving them down to your left nipple and massaging the bud between his two wet digits. “Are you ready for me?” he asked, not sure how much longer he could stand stroking himself to the sight of your naked body without slipping into your wet folds. 

“God yes,” you cried, trying desperately to relieve yourself by grinding against nothing. His hand came down to your hip, using his other to line his cock up to your entrance. He dragged the tip against your folds, spreading your juices around the head of his cock before plunging in. You were incredibly tight even from your warm up, having not taken his length in months. He tried his best to stay still, letting you adjust to the burning stretch but you were so wet and so so so warm, it was hard for him to not bully his way in – he shook from the sheer idea of forcing you to take him as he wanted you to. His eyes were glued to his cock as half of him was buried in your folds, swallowing thickly as he pushed in more and more of himself. You hiccupped, slapping his forearm as a warning that it hurt and he stopped. His eyes met yours and they were just like your dream. Lidded in desire and mouth wet – now from his own spit from constantly licking his lips as he imagined himself tasting you. He hated having to rush things – wanting to do so much more with you but the thought of your pussy twitching on his tongue alone was enough to make him want to bust right then and there. He was swallowing roughly again, concentrating on the task at hand, pushing even deeper inside you. You just about took all of him, but you stopped him yet again and he snapped. Your pussy was sucking him in! Your pretty cunt wanted all of him and who was he to not give her what she wanted? “Take my cock,” he spoke, voice gruff and commanding. He slid the rest of the way in and you didn’t so much as blink, allowing him to fill you up. 

“Too big Toge-” you whined, his tip pushing up against the base of your stomach causing you to squirm. His hand came down to feel himself inside you, pushing gently against the bulge.

“D’you feel how deep I am?”

“Yes-” you gasped, “You’re deep! Soo deep,” and he was impossibly deep. He didn’t acknowledge your words, head thrown back and mouth hung open as he started to move – dragging his length slowly out before bullying it back inside. Your ribbed walls squeezed his dick, encouraging him to continue his slow assault. 

“Rub your clit f’me,” he choked out, wanting you to get yourself to open up more. To let him in just a little deeper. He knew you could. 

You had no choice but to reach for your clit, feeling just below it how his cock was stretching your entrance wide open. You rubbed slow circles on it, gasping at the overwhelming feeling causing your walls to constrict against him. His arms came down to hold your thighs against the bed, wanting to get a good angle of his cock as it disappeared over and over again inside of you. He was in his own world at this point, savoring the way your cunt gripped his cock as you cried out from the stretch. He knew he could manage to go even deeper – if only he had you on your stomach. He pulled out suddenly, flipping you around and pushing your head into the pillows. His strong hands angled your hips upwards towards his own. His right arm slithered up your back before reaching the center, “Arch your back, baby…” you obey him and he’s squeezing your waist, “Good girl. So pretty when you do what you’re told,” he praises you. He’s lining his cock up again, pushing himself in deep without giving you a second to process it. Your soft cries were muffled by the pillows as he had his way with you; pussy being pounded from behind, his balls slapping against your clit as his nails dug into you. “Fuck,” he cursed, dragging out the syllables as the wet sounds of your pussy echoed off the bedroom walls. His thumb began to massage your sides where he held you, forgetting he could use his voice – becoming so pussy drunk he went back to his old way of letting you know he was about to cum. You started to squirm again, prepared to take his hot load while not far off from your own release. You could tell he was getting closer and closer. He began to whimper and his cock couldn’t help its occasional twitch as it pounded over and over again into your cervix. “C-cum with me, please,” he begged, unknowingly forcing you over the edge. He was far too lost to realize what he had done but it didn’t matter at that point as you two reached your peaks together. His cum coated your walls – rope after rope shooting into you, his cock pushing it deeper and deeper as he fucked you through your peak. You had a similarly blinding orgasm from your dream, squirming and bucking your hips, tears streaming down your cheeks as you cried out into the pillow. Your pussy clamped down hard on him, squeezing and releasing as you had no choice but to experience the best climax of your life. He leaned over your figure, brushing your hair off your back as he kissed your neck, your slick and his cum slipping out as his cock began to soften inside of you. You were still whining, unable to stop the intensity at which you were cumming. His hands ran soothing patterns on your back as you completely collapsed into the bed – twitching against the sheets until you finally felt it subsiding. Slowly but surely you came down, your chest heaving as Toge peppered you with kisses. 

“That was okay. Right?” He asked you in sign language – going back to his preferred method of communication with you. You nodded, a smile working itself onto your face as you began to giggle. 

“That was … incredible,” his eyes scrunched up, chuckling along with you, pulling you into his naked chest and holding you tight to him. 

𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

It had been a long road before things had gone back to normal with Inumaki. Even so – not everything was the way it used to be, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. You two learned a lot from the aftermath of that day; including just how powerful his words could be. 

[we-stan-cale]

I was thinking a bit about character development.

Like, Cale, Choi Han, and Alberu have a beautiful friendship - and it grew over the course of the entire story.

I'm probably going to talk about later parts of the story, so Imma put the rest behind a divider so you can avoid spoilers

In the beginning, Choi Han was loyal to Cale but .. it was kind of shallow.

Choi Han didn't understand why they had to wear those shitty Arm robes, was shocked when Cale created his alibi by drinking, and so on and so forth.

He followed Cale, but he didn't really know Cale that well yet and that was clear.

Oh, and it was much more of a hierarchical relationship. Cale as his legs, Choi Han as Cale's knight.

This slowly began to change, though I think there were a couple of key turning points.

Cale almost dying after the Battle of the Gorge was one of them.

I think that's when Choi Han truly realized he couldn't trust Cale when it came to his health. Not that he hadn't seen signs before, but Cale always brushed things off and I think this was when Choi Han realized that no, it's really not okay, no matter what Cale says.

After that, we see Choi Han start asking more questions...

And Cale (with a clear flashback to his time as a team leader, where his people desperately wanted to help more) actually answered them.

The relationship started to shift, and become less liege and knight, and more colleagues. (This, btw, came from both of them. Choi Han asking more, and Cale telling more. Somewhat. A little bit.)

They definitely grow closer in other ways - Choi Han telling them about his long life after they found the Dragon Village, for example. (Though Cale already knew it, so you also see just how much Cale is still keeping his secrets).

And then...

We get Choi Han receiving Choi Jung Soo's memories.

That causes the biggest shift yet.

Now they aren't just liege and knight.

Now we have Cale thinking of Choi Han as his best friend's elder (even if Choi Han doesn't feel a need for that).

Also, Choi Han now knows. Not just that Cale is a transmigrator, not just about his life as Kim Rok Soo, not just about the cataclysm (and what happened to the Choi family).

He also knows about the tragedy that has pretty much defined Cale. He may not know about the aftermath, or Cale's time as team leader, but he knows that Cale was devastated after losing everyone.

We also see Choi Han (who got Syrem's ancient powers and now knows what it's like to use them) insist that Cale shouldn't absorb the Blood-drenched Rock power, a potential standoff that ended when Cale found another way and used Embrace instead.

They are no longer liege and obedient knight.

And then came the sealed god's test, where Choi Han gave up quite a lot of his potential lifespan, just to join Cale in one of the worst times of Cale's life.

And he was happy for it.

We see Cale truly overcome with emotion. The trust and friendship between the two of them is just beautiful.

And I truly meant to talk about Alberu as well (him joining them also adding to this) but I only realized when writing this just how much I had to say about Cale and Choi Han, so maybe I'll do that another time.

Anyways.

That still wasn't everything. Because we also had the indignity test...

And while I think the author didn't fully finish everything Choi Han saw because it'll probably come up in part 2 (it hasn't yet, but I think I see the author building up to something. Because so far they've all been too busy to really address a few things, plus apparently there's dragons dealing with time? Anyways, I suspect we'll get more on Cale's childhood, and what Choi Han knows, and some other things, but we'll see. It took almost 300 chapters in part 1 before we got all the amazing scenes with Cale and Choi Han and the sealed god's test and instant so I'm willing to let the author build things up again.)

Oh, sorry. What was I saying? Right.

Even though we don't have the full story, we know that Choi Han knows.

And in one of the side stories, he says this:

He didn’t know at first, but that person’s days of rest that Choi Han saw was more of a period of recovery than days of rest. Of course, the person himself thought that he was playing around, but it did not seem like that to Choi Han at all. That was why his people, who at some point realized the meaning of this rest day, tried their best not to bother his recovery.

And again, in the same side story but referring to a moment later in part 1

Cale was mumbling. “Haaaa. It’d be great to be a slacker.” Choi Han knew the meaning of those words. ‘I want to rest. I need to heal.’ That should be the meaning. However, he now knew what Cale would say after that.

And skipping the specific details, what Choi Han probably meant when he said he knew what Cale would say after that

Cale looked toward the east and calmly commented. “There are too many things to do, so I can’t rest.”

Choi Han understands Cale 1000x more than he did when they started.

And Cale understands Choi Han better, too.

Which is probably a topic for a whole other post, considering Cale initially almost seemed to put Choi Han on a pedestal as the hero and protagonist of the story.

[gremlinmodetweeker]

binge reading your works is my best part of the day ><

anyways, I'd like to request kidnapper!könig with an apathetic reader, so tired they decide to stop reacting! (I just need to see könig comfort and cuddle his beloved)

I am so so sorry for not getting to this sooner. As I stated in the last post, I’ve been without a permanent address (but I’m staying with friends) so it’s been hard to find time. I keep hunting for a place to live, but sadly the rental scene is not kind to people on disability. I do not have much money to go anywhere, but I keep trying!

Anyways, I tried to follow the ask, but maybe the ending might be a bit too much? I kept it a bit ambiguous, so you can take it as you will. Either way, it’s a nice fluffy bath scene which should be all fluffy and good for all of us. Lord knows I need to take a shower! I might do that soon actually…

So, you know the drill, story under the cut.

18+ MDNITW: yandere König, suggestive content, kidnapping

Idle

How long had you been here? You’d been staring at these same four walls for days, maybe weeks now. You could see the sun rise in a tiny dingy window up above before setting far far away from where you sat. The moon followed suit like a faithful servant to their glorious master. You only watched with dim eyes.

König came down multiple times every day to speak to you. You couldn’t find it in yourself to respond to him. Instead, you listened to him prattle about his every day. You learned he was ex military, discharged for an ‘accident’ related to his mental health. He didn’t go into detail. You didn’t ask.

Listening to him prattling on about whatever was on his mind that day helped make the days pass by quicker. The dull and insipid meals he presented to you quickly ramped up in quality. His meals became elaborate, and though some were blunders, he was quickly learning and adapting. However, it was all lost on your dull tongue.

At this point, you wondered if there was any difference between spending time in the world outside or being locked away in this basement. The mattress was hard and your back was beginning to hurt. Your arms ached when you lay on your side, but what else was there to do? It didn’t matter that he piled a plethora of hobbies and crafts around your bed in a desperate hope to invigorate you. It was all lost on you.

Heavy bootsteps trod down the creaking wooden stairs like the treading of a great machine. His gears creaked as he ducked under the doorway, and he grunted a cloud of smoke as he approached you. When he neared, he smelled of cigarettes and beer, but there was something else that was hidden deep beneath. If you weren’t so tired, maybe you would’ve been intrigued, but instead you simply shallowed your breathing to avoid taking in his pungent odor.

“Pet, why are you so sad?” you felt rough calloused fingers trace along your cheek. It felt nice, but you couldn’t bear to give in to his advances.

“When can I go outside?” you retorted.

König slumped into a crestfallen crouch, “Not for some time. If you are good, then you can go out, ja?”

“Aren’t I good now?” you sighed.

König shook his head.

“Being sad does not mean you are good,” König stroked your matted hair, “I bring you hairbrushes and combs, yet you still don’t take care of yourself. I even got your skincare from your old place. Yet still, you won’t wash your face. When did you last brush your teeth?”

You shrugged, “A while ago.”

König chortled as he walked away, “I can tell. Let’s get you cleaned up. Maybe that will make you feel better?”

You didn’t bother reacting. You knew there was no point.

König drew a bath for you in the other room for you. You could smell the sweet scents wafting through the air, and despite yourself, you relaxed. When he unlocked your cuffs and carried you to the washroom, you took in the hot steamy air that had fogged the bathroom mirror. The lights were off, but sweet scented candles had been set out for you. When you were placed down, he’d made sure to set you on a puffy bath mat.

“There, my pet,” König murmured as he brushed your sides down, “now let’s get you undressed. Raise your arms for me.”

You did as he asked. You’d learned that despite his rough and irritable ways, he was a gentle giant around you. He took care to touch you as little as possible as he took off your clothes, tossing them into the laundry for you before helping guide you to sit in the bathroom.

You let out a sigh as he carefully helped you lay back. You hated how perfect everything was. It would’ve been so much easier to hate him if he weren’t so damn loveable. Everyone you knew would have been sickened by how easily you let this man take control of you. You never thought of escaping, but König didn’t know that. He was still so worried that you’d leave. It pained you, in a strange way. How could you care for him so deeply but also hate his entire existence? Was it worth thinking about? It didn’t matter. You were trapped in this basement, and you doubted you would ever feel the sun on your skin again.

“Oh pet, why won’t you smile anymore?” König mourned as he sudsed a washcloth for you.

“Why should I?” you snorted.

“Because I am here for you now,” König reminded you, as though it wasn’t the constant of your every day.

He set the washcloth aside and squirted some of your shampoo on his hands. When he sunk his hands in your greasy hair, you couldn’t stop yourself from sighing and relaxing into his hands.

“There… Isn’t that better?” König murmured into your neck, “if you just let me take care of you, everything will be okay.”

You didn’t reply, instead sinking into his scalp massage. He must have been watching tutorials for this. There was no way he was this naturally skilled. In a way, it touched you that he would go out of his way to learn all these new skills for you, but on the other hand, how did he have so much time? Where did he get all the money? Was it worth asking these questions?

He washed your hair with warm water. You couldn’t help but let go. It was so nice to finally feel clean. You could already feel your hair returning to its normal state. He brushed your hair lightly, wincing whenever you hissed and taking care to be gentle on the worst of the mats. He was so careful for such a hulking goliath of a man. You didn’t think his large hands could be so dexterous, but here you were, relaxing in his hands as he massaged conditioner into your hair. He was careful and methodical as he worked, ensuring you were perfect cared for, free of any pain or stress in the world. You caught yourself nearly smiling a few times. You had a feeling he saw, but chose not to comment. Smart man.

“There,” he took the washcloth again and started rubbing deep circles into your aching back, “I know the bed is no good. You will sleep with me soon, I promise. No more pain.”

You closed your eyes and let him work the knots out of your back.

“I promise it will get better,” König promised, “you will be meine Frau, and then we will be happy.”

You’d long since learned that ‘meine Frau’ meant ‘my wife’. At this point, you didn’t bother correcting him. Sometimes you looked down at your hands and you were surprised that there was no ring on your finger. It bothered you.

“I’m sorry, Frau,” König sighed as he dipped down, “but you need to be clean. I want you healthy and safe.”

You let him clean your lower parts without question. He was thankfully quick and efficient. It was a small comfort that he tried his best to avoid hurting you too much. You figured the reason he hadn’t suggested that you do it yourself was that he knew you wouldn’t so much as lift your hand to take the washcloth from him. Still, it would have been nice for him to offer, or that’s what you kept telling yourself.

“All done,” König’s hand retracted as he rinsed the washcloth, “now just your hair.”

He rinsed your hair with the shower attachment, thankfully gentle with the remaining mats. He muttered something about ‘keeping your beautiful hair’ as he worked diligently. You figured it had probably grown a bit since you’d come here. Maybe you’d need a trim.

The rest of the bath was calm and relaxed. He left and let you soak for a bit on your own before he came back and took a towel from the dryer below the sink and pulled the plug on you. When you got cold, he wrapped you in the plush towel and helped you dry down. You couldn’t help but sigh in relief. You’d never get a bathroom without a washer and dryer in it again. It was just far too convenient.

He carried you back to your bed where a new change of clothes had been set out on freshly changed sheets. So that was what he was doing when he left you in the bath. It was a nice gesture, but you knew that wouldn’t make the mattress any softer. At the very least, it would smell nice.

You changed into the modest clothing he gave you, all comfortable and soft to make you feel more at ease in this foreign environment. It was a nice change to having to make yourself up in stuffy clothing for your office job at least.

Your kindly captor gave you a tiny hug before he locked you back in your ankle shackle and left you in the basement. The only reminded of his presence was the faint lingering smell of cigarettes, a smell that had become surprisingly comforting since you’d adjusted to staying here.

He kept promising that you could go out, but hope left you as the days crawled by. A part of you hated him, a part of you was grateful he’d spirited you away from your past life. The meals were certainly more substantial, and you’d gotten a little bit more well rounded, but not to the point where you were upset with yourself.

Your life had become perfectly calm. There was no stress of socializing with people who hated you, no worrying about rent or bills, no threat of eviction or skipped meals. It was idyllic, really. So why were you so sad?

Art supplies were littered before you, something you once would have jumped at. He had a space dedicated to working out if you should so please. He even had a state of the art desktop lined up for you, primed with both his and your steam account and a few emulators ready and primed for you. It was all perfect, but you only lay in bed and stared at the ceiling.

Life was meaningless, and so you ignored the world. However, as much as you tried, you couldn’t ignore how soft König was with you.

You curled into the warm sheets. The ceiling was still there to be stared at. The craft supplies were still there to be ignored. But this time, your toothbrush and your hairbrush seemed more enticing.

Maybe you’ve been here for too long.

[bbanghiitomi]

| always by your side!

synopsis: forced to change companies, your dream of being an actress and all your hard work has been washed away, but for some reason even with the events that have unfolded you find yourself thanking the gods above for bringing you to haerin.

— idol!khaerin × 6thmember!fem!reader

(⁠っ⁠˘̩⁠╭⁠╮⁠˘̩⁠)⁠っ(⁠っ⁠˘̩⁠╭⁠╮⁠˘̩⁠)⁠っ(⁠っ⁠˘̩⁠╭⁠╮⁠˘̩⁠)⁠っ(⁠っ⁠˘̩⁠╭

you lift your head from the table, dreading the idea of the upcoming news from the manager of the class you're currently at. you were updated that there might be changes in the company, you're one of the trainees for voice acting and there's rumors surrounding the company that they might send trainees to a korean entertainment label. if you were older than you are today, you wouldn't be that bothered by the news — but that's not the case, you were one of the youngest and current trainees for acting lessons. you knew that the company might be thinking that you are not gonna be much of a big loss to them, but you were desperate to prove them wrong.

yet, it seems a little too impossible as you shuffle on your seat. you raise yourself up from the chair and take deep breaths, your eyes spot the familiar face of the manager and an expression of grimace engulfed your face.

"don't take this a little too hard y/n, i know you've only been here for a few months but you're already attached to everyone." you nod but in all honesty you really can't process whatever the ceo was saying, it's hard to imagine the changes of pace and environment — who knows what kind of people she'll be seeing there?

"i heard i would end up on a different route if i was to be sent to that company. i signed up to be an actress — don't you think it's cruel for me to end up taking a whole different career?" you tell him but he stays head strong, only staring at your puppy eyes.

he sighs and puts a hand on his forehead.

"i know, i know. even i think it's cruel for the ceo to decide something like that, but we're in deep trouble. this is the only way to save the other trainees and don't you see the positive side? a job like being an idol is a very flexible job, you can do it all at once." he explains but you want to disagree, you don't want to do all things at once.

but it's too late, isn't it?

it really is, you realize as you sat at the office of ador entertainment. all your bags and luggages have been sent inside the shared dorm of your future co-member's, the girls were as confused as you were.

"oh, it's you y/n." you hear the sound of shoes getting closer and as you look up, your eyes meet with your new ceo — min heejin. you can only smile at her, not so confident as you try to look for a piece of yourself to show off.

"good morning." you tell her, actually she isn't so bad, this isn't your first meeting with her — you remember how shallow your brain was that day, it was a nerve wracking moment for you.

"i'm sorry once again about how sudden the news has been, but i hope you know i'm grateful you accepted it with honesty for yourself. i've given you ample time to decide and you still agreed, i hope you won't change your mind anymore." you appreciate her thoughts but there really isn't any choice left for you to choose, this is just about to be your fate and you're bound to accept it no matter how much you hated it.

you smile at her, not that sincere but you were trained for this.

"oh, i guess i realized that a part of me may have been meant for this. who knows right?" you shrug at her and she returns it with a bright grin.

"i'm so happy, i hope you know why i chose you out of all the trainees there. it's not just because there was no one left but because i think you're the perfect fit, there's something i see in you that i think you don't see in yourself." she says, you're starting to think she's sugarcoating it — because the last time you checked the circumstances it just seems like your old company was in deep debt and needed a sacrificial lamb to pay for it; which turned out to be you.

you chuckle, don't really know whether to believe or not; but it doesn't matter anymore.

"oh really? i personally think that's such a nice thing to say, almost a little too nice." you tell her but she was unfazed, you can see that she's really holding on to her words, like she meant it and that it was genuine.

you cannot interfere.

"yes, i'm quite excited because i'm sure the girls would love you. who wouldn't? i have so much high hopes for you and the future of newjeans, you all would be a hit. everyone will love newjeans." you can't even get mad at how happy heejin looks right now, maybe this is just really her passion.

yeah sure the girls would love you, but how about you? you gloat about the idea of being in a group, you don't want to work with people, the idea of being dragged down or dragging people down sucks. and think about the burden that it is to work with multiple people, you hated that idea.

after all, you've always been alone.

"i don't really know about that, i'm pretty sure they're acquainted with each other and are close but how about me?" you find yourself immediately fiddling with your finger, for some reason you don't know why too but a part of you is quite intimidated of what was coming your way. strangers, new people, new places and a new environment.

"don't worry, the girls are nice and well behaved, they are well put and have manners. if anything, i'm quite confident you'll like them. i gave minji all the instructions needed for tonight."

oh right, you're moving inside the dorm tonight. and you wonder what the girls are thinking.

"i'm excited! i wonder what type of person she is, i mean from the sound of it i'm already expecting that she's very cool." hanni does a finger gun towards danielle's direction, earning a small laugh from the girl as they make their way to the living room. the four girls all sit on the couches around the room, haerin's eyes traces along the floor to the bags and luggages hanging by the corner of the place.

"honestly, all i want is to see her already. i want us to be friends as soon as possible!" danielle beams, minji nods and clasps her hands together, worried but at the same time excited. they didn't have that much information regarding the new addition to the group, all they got from heejin is small details, like she's kind and cute.

it's enough to get the girls going except from a certain feline-like member.

haerin is nervous.

she's been thinking about this since yesterday, laying on her bed she can't get the thought of you finally coming face to face with them, it's been keeping her up since the day it was announced.

she wanted everything perfect the moment you step a foot inside, the place is clean, every nook and cranny, the members look presentable, there should be food already ready, not a delivered food but home cooked meals. haerin does not know why she feels like this but she wanted to make a good impression for the first day.

she's usually lazy, but tonight she made sure everything was in order so that not even the members could notice her weird behavior.

"are you okay haerin?" hyein asks, leaning on the couch while raising a brow at the older girl, haerin nods and makes her way to the kitchen to check the cookies she baked with danielle.

haerin is shy, she tries her best to communicate but sometimes it's very hard, this causes her social life to sometimes be in a rumble, because she's not very talented in talking to people. as someone who is happy to welcome you in the dorm, she's scared she might mess it up because of how awkward and quiet she is.

"haerin~ what are you doing there?" hanni sneaks behind the taller girl and puts her hands on haerin's shoulders. the younger girl is quick to turn her head. "u-uh hey."

hanni laughs and rubs haerin's shoulders. "are you nervous, you seem out of it since yesterday. always so skittish but worse, something bothering you?" hanni asks, smiling at the kang who lets out a small breath but does not reply.

haerin shifts her eyes away, she intertwines her fingers with each other, pursing her lips. "i'm just nervous." haerin whispers, gaining a soft laugh from hanni who then hugs her side. "oh really? you really want this night to be good for her, right?" hanni asks, rubbing her hand on haerin's forearm. haerin couldn't help but blush. "yeah, i didn't really want to say it but — we have to make sure she feels nice and comfortable here with us."

hanni squeals. "gosh haerin you're so adorable. we also think that way, i mean she's going to be our new addition, we'll be together for a long time."

haerin laughs. "i'm just so bothered, i couldn't stop thinking about it for almost a week. i don't want her to dislike me for being awkward." hanni shakes her head and hits haerin gently. "oh come on, she's going to love you like we do. you're like the most adorable girl ever, and you're like a cute cat. i trust our ceo with her choice, she's going to be good. i promise."

when you step a foot inside for the first time, you couldn't help but notice the very warm atmosphere inside the living room. it was empty when you came in with heejin and the smell of fresh food came wafting around the air.

"seems like the girls are busy, i'm going to check on them." you nod at heejin and smile at her. you like how clean the living room is, the colors are nice and the interior is very welcoming. you make your way to one of the couches and take a seat, the mattress sinking with your weight above. your hands are on your knees, you caress your lap to prepare yourself.

"here they are." you look up to see the girls, one by one they come inside with two of them carrying a tray of snacks and the other has water. you stand up and greet them, awkwardly pushing your hands out for a handshake, in which the oldest took oh so eagerly.

"i'm kim minji." her round eyes meets yours, her thick eyebrows take your attention and you can't help but smile at her.

"hi i'm pham hanni! i'm so happy to finally see you!" the shortest girl says, her hands are soft and gentle.

"i'm marsh danielle! you look really amazing! i'm so happy i can just melt on the spot." you laugh at her. "please don't." you mutter with a bit on your bottom lip.

haerin takes a step forward and brushes her hands on her clothes as if dusting the dirt away.

she anxiously takes your hands and shake them, you can't help but notice the way it trembles under your touch and you worry she might be sick the way her face is almost as red as a tomato — her feline-like eyes can't keep themselves from shifting away.

"i— uhm, my name… i'm kang haerin." she whispers but audible enough for you. you like her voice, the most.

you pull your hands away and you see haerin checking her own hands, her irises looks like she's checking out the lines on her palm.

a pair of hands takes yours and shakes them violently. "oh my god! it's really you! i'm so happy! i'm lee hyein!" the tallest girl says, your eyes examine her plum lips and sharp eyes.

you let go of her and gave her a small nod, she's adorable. yeah, you can say they're not that bad overall but… still, you have to make sure — you don't want to live with them for 5+ years still feeling uncomfortable.

the first few days consist of going around the dorm, training and just sitting together eating lunch and dinner.

you like minji the most, you appreciate her mature thinking, she's someone who knows when to be serious and when to joke around. you realize that she's very reliable, like a rock to lean on when the land tilts.

danielle is someone who you can trust when it comes to advice, she's someone who knows her words and has a holistic thinking approach in every situation. she looks on the bright side and sees the bigger picture, always positive and smiling.

haerin is awkward and quiet. but among all the members, she's the one who you're sure can understand you the most.

you like how she doesn't talk a lot when you're alone with her, it's not like you hate when hanni and hyein does it but sometimes, you need a quiet time too. you can tell that she knows you're getting yourself used to the new places, she's always right behind you.

you don't hate her presence, but it's not like you love it too.

things are really awkward with her, it's almost like she gets really skittish when you get near her, her face is always a different shade of red, her eyes are always everywhere but yours.

it makes you double guess if she hates you or not, but to say hate would be too much — maybe she's not used yet?

that must be it.

"hey haerin, can you pass me the remote?" you ask haerin, you look at her there's a small meter separating you and her on the couch. your eyes scan her bothered expression while she reads a book very attentively.

you want to reach for the remote yourself but her figure is blocking the view of the remote from your position. you scoot close to her and clear your throat in order to get her attention. "haerin?"

she doesn't reply. you scoot once again, your shoulder touching hers. haerin shuffles on her seat almost immediately as your bare shoulders touch her and puts her book down while looking at you with wide eyes and blushing cheeks.

"w-what?" she asks.

you look everywhere and smile at her. "i said, can you pass me the remote? i was planning to watch the discovery channel." haerin blinks and nods, closing her lips tight with a sheepish expression.

she moves and reaches for the remote and passes it over to you, but as you hold the remote, your fingers brush against hers causing her to immediately let go of the remote — with you being startled, you drop the remote on the carpeted floor.

"haerin?" haerin looks up at you and she reaches for the remote, then she hands it over to you. you stare at her and watch as she shifts away, pushing a strand of her hair behind her cute red ears.

"you're red." you tell her, haerin scoffs and turns her head away.

"it's nothing."

practice is finally over, you sit on the floor with your eyes scanning over the studio, back against the gigantic mirror. the other four girls are busy taking their time to perfect their moves, trying to polish their steps.

you're still not used to this way, it's harder and you physically can't keep up sometimes.

haerin is a great dancer, you envy and admire her moves and the way she puts her whole self to the music, letting the rhythm guide her body the way the beat intended it to be. you wish you had that kind of talent, you're not that bad but certainly could be better, it's not that hard to admit and you're always open for criticisms.

you feel a presence beside you, you shift your head to see haerin taking a seat next to you, her back also now against the mirror. you smile at the sight of her eyes watching over the other girls, she's sometimes so serious it's always so interesting.

"have you drank water already?" you ask her, seeing as she's still taking time catching her breath, sweat continues to roll over her cheeks. haerin turns her head to you and stretches her lips into a smile. "yes, i'm just taking a short break." you nod and scoot closer to her.

haerin swears she could feel her skin crawl, it's such a weird sensation but it feels funny.

"make it longer, you look tired." you whisper to her, she laughs sheepishly and scratches her cheek, feeling the burst of warmth washing inside of her again. this feels so weird, but she's always like this with you.

haerin pouts for a second only. "you did great." she mutters, eyes finding themselves lost in yours. you smile, nodding. "you did great too, so it's time to rest for a bit." haerin shakes her head.

"no, i mean you really did well. i know you're still bothered and you're always trying, but you're doing great, you're catching up to us already." haerin whispers, almost leaning closer for you to hear her. you shrug, your eyes watches as she looks away, her cheek and left ear close to your lips.

"hmm… really? i wasn't really trained for this." you whisper against her ear, your breath fanning over her skin, causing waves of electricity coursing inside of her, enough to raise the hair in her arms.

your body is close to hers, clothed bodies touching as her arm wraps around your torso, your hands on her knees.

"yeah, but you're already a great singer. dancing would be a piece of cake for you." she tells you but her eyes are still somewhere else, you wonder what part of the thin air must have took her interest. you chuckle, leaning on her shoulder. "really? i still have a lot to learn." you feel her body stiffen to your touch, and as if no one else is inside the room, your hand reaches for her other hand.

haerin shakes her head, now her cheeks are obviously dusted with the color of pink. her sharp eyes are taking your attention, she's like a cat in every form and every way.

have you mentioned before how much you love cats?

how much you might have loved haerin?

because you don't even know that yourself.

"yeah, and it's not just you but everyone of us." you like haerin, maybe just a friend, or maybe more but really, how are you supposed to know?

your relationship went on like that for almost a few more months, and as time passes by, you start to get fond of these feelings for her and haerin starts to realize that she might love you a little too much.

it's the way she's always so giddy, skittish, shy, attentive and conscious about her surroundings when she's with you. she's so aware of every detail about you, those little things and she notes them inside her brain. she's starting to really enjoy staring at your face when you're doing something, even from afar, she takes a short glimpse of your face when you least expect it.

every word you say makes her happy, you're so wise and so good when it comes to choosing the right words to say.

that also what she fears the most, it's not really easy dealing with feelings like these. the thoughts of you keep her wide awake every night, she daydreams of you and sometimes she can't get you out of her mouth.

she likes your perfume, the way you dress, your hair, your eyes, your lips, your cheeks and the way your irises are weak at the sight of haerin.

so many fascinating things about you.

you're really a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

because it's true that haerin loves you, but behind these feelings are the fears of what lies behind the consequences of her actions.

how long does she have to keep this a secret? haerin might get in trouble.

sometimes her heart beats a little too hard for her to calm it down, like it's threatening to rip her chest apart.

"is there something wrong?" you ask haerin, she's been staring at the television for too long, it's already late at night and the television is going static already. you come down from upstairs to find haerin standing in the living room alone, the lights are off and the television is still on but is showing nothing but the colorful display of emptiness.

haerin only moves when you place a hand on her cheek, she looks at you and blinks her eyes.

"don't stare at the tv like that, you're going to get a migraine." haerin rubs her eyes and sighs. you press your hand on her cheeks to feel how warm the skin under your palm is. "are you really okay?" you really can't see her face in the dark, it makes you wonder if she's sick or not but her face is really warm.

haerin shakes her head. "yeah, i'm alright. i just spaced out." the light from the television illuminates both of you, you can only see her eyes and the details of her face.

haerin feels your palm rub her cheek, it makes her feel nervous and putty, like a melted marshmallow.

"how long have you been standing here?" you ask her, pulling your hand off of her face. she feels dread swallowing her when she loses contact with you.

"i don't know, i'm tired and picked up a glass of water but found myself here." you laugh at what she said, your expression made haerin feel dizzy, what makes it worse is that you even thought of placing a hand on her shoulder.

you're so close to her, she can practically feel your warmth embracing her.

"haerin, you're so random. you're tired, right? let's just sleep. come on." you rub your hand on her shoulder and as you're planning to pull your hand away again, she holds it with her hand. "y/n. have i told you something?" haerin asks, her voice sounds serious, but not intimidating.

you raise your brow at her and shake your head. "no, what do you want to say?"

haerin looks down and bites her bottom lip. "uhm, you see. i've been losing sleep a couple of times — since, i don't when but it's been on and off for me. it's just that i can't really find myself, over the past few months, my mind kept on shuffling. you know, i'm so out of it."

you nod, you feel her hand caress your hand, you smile. "nightmares?" if truth be told, the thought of you could be a dream but the circumstances are nothing but a nightmare.

"no. it's because —" pause. haerin takes a deep breath.

"i really, no — i have these thoughts that have been bugging me. y/n, i don't know how things will end after this." she continues, you listen very well, watching the way her eyes move, looking at you then everywhere.

"things will go well after, haerin." you answer her.

haerin nods. "oh, but it's about you. y/n, it's because i like you a lot…" there's nothing but silence, you can tell she wants to say something again but she's hesitating.

"what else?"

haerin locks her eyes with yours, she gulps down the courage.

"i really love you more than just a friend, you know i love everything about you and it's bothering me how if i let these feelings pass me by it's going to bite me back again. i can't just be your friend, that's the thought that i hate. i really hate it." haerin sighs, the hand on her shoulder — she pulls it away and holds it with her two hands.

haerin finds comfort in your presence, you only look at her and smile yet even without any response, haerin still feels comforted by your warmth.

you were always warm, there was never a day where you were cold.

"really? how come i never realized?" you giggle, looking at your hand in hers.

"we were too caught up. i guess?"

the thought that you love her too makes haerin weak, she remembers how nervous she was before because you might dislike her. she's still the same awkward and shy girl, but now she's sure you're her friend.

the only thing left for her to fear is the thought you might not love her the way she loves you.

you shrug. "i guess i was, but either way — i'm sorry for your sleepless nights." haerin looks at you and smiles. you lean close to her and gave her a kiss on her cheek, the sensation made haerin's knees weak.

as surprised haerin was, she can't help but smile.

you stay close to her, your hand and her hands between you and haerin's chests.

"i love you too haerin." you whisper.

haerin laughs, her grin is wide and bright.

you love her.

not just as a friend.

how is she supposed to sleep knowing that you don't just like her, but you also love her? how is she supposed to just stay still?

"don't you want to sleep already? we can leave all the worries for the other day." you mutter, eyes fix on hers.

haerin nods and leans in, forehead touching yours, she whispers back. "where? your room?"

you scrunch your nose. "how about yours?"

haerin shakes her head. "no,"

"why not?"

haerin shifts her eyes away. "because minji said so."

"because it's not cleaned yet? i know you haerin." you tease her, chasing her gaze.

you continue. "let's go. my room. we can cuddle until we fall asleep."

you both make your way upstairs, every step is light, attentive, trying not to catch any attention or make any noise. you let her lead you to your room, opening the door for you.

laughter spills out of your lips as you lay down the bed with her, tucking your bodies under the weighted blanket. you wrap your hand around her torso, burying your head on her neck.

"good night haerin, stay here okay?" you give her another kiss on her cheek, this one isn't a quick peck.

haerin nods, blushing.

"right, good night."

you close your eyes.

"i love you."

haerin hums, closing her eyes too.

"i love you too."

that night you realized how lucky you might have been, that the whole incident might have been a blessing in disguise — how the harsh winds have brought you to meet haerin and newjeans.

you dread it before, but now you can't help but be thankful. you found yourself in another family, finally realizing you aren't alone and you have someone to lean on.

that you have not just haerin but the whole group to share sentiments with.

[triangle-dog]

TW pet death

(Not one of mine, don't worry. You won't miss anything if you skip this post.)

I will always and forever be a collar and tags person (or, look, if you are really concerned about strangulation then a harness & tags person or a breakaway collar or whatever). Microchips are great, all my beasts are microchiped, but if one of them gets out I want to be able to find them and bring them home no matter what has happened to them.

Two years ago, almost exactly I think, friends and I were three miles into a beautiful autumn hike with the dogs. The leaves were turning, the wildlife was active, and there was a crisp breeze. We rounded a corner and immediately saw a body floating out on the lake, a dog, its long black fur drifting back and forth in the small waves. After some deliberation on what to do, and if it was safe, I waded out to the dog while the others in the party held our dogs way back from the lake in case the water was bad. He wasn't that far out really, but it felt like it took forever to get there because I was fervently hoping he'd have tags. I could actually feel the relief wash over me when I got there and saw patches of blue collar peeking out between the drifting fur.

I towed him into the shallows by the collar. I'm the most familiar with bodies, which is why I was the one who went out to him, and I know that they age differently in the water but by my judgment he'd died farily recently - less than a day ago. When he's in close enough to shore that I don't think he'll drift away any time soon, I unclip his collar and return to the group. We sit down and strategize for a few minutes. How do you make a call like that without raising their hopes? (Answer: you can't - just the phone ringing will be enough).

"I'm very sorry," I say, "but I found a dog in the lake and I thought you would want to know." She tells me she was half expecting a call like this, that the gate didn't latch correctly and both dogs got out but only one came home. She tells me that they were so worried he wouldn't be able to find his way home in the storm last night. She tells me he was very old, that his mind had been going for awhile now. She tells me that most of his life, until the last few years as his body became less able to manage the walk, they would come down to a beach near here and that he loved to swim. She tells me she hopes he at least got to relive those memories for a bit before he went.

I give her the coordinates, it's not too far from a road if you bushwhack - certainly less than the 3mi we did, and tell her we'll bring him to shore. I pick him up out of the shallows, he feels frail, yet he's so so heavy from the weight of the water in his fur. He's much smaller than Nova, yet lifting Nova has never felt like that. I lay him gently on the rocky beach in what I hope is a natural looking, less-traumatizing-to-the-kids position. I clip his collar back on, with the fur no longer drifting around in the water obscuring it, you can now see the little tag saying "Poochie" on the front. We head back the way we came. That was walk enough for all of us, it would feel wrong to seek a different ending, and it was an out and back trail anyway.

Ever since then, every dead cat or dog I see reminds me of those lakeside discussions. We are all overly dedicated animal people, we're fully aware of microchips and all of our own pets are microchiped, but carrying a waterlogged body 3mi to the car to drive it to the vet's office was just not feasible - I don't think it would occur to most people that that was even an option. Even if they did think of it, most people would be opposed to putting a dead animal in their vehicle. I'm just gonna make it easy on people and put my phone number on my animals.

(Sorry, that post was so much longer than it needed to be, but my brain must have recorded that experience in a different kind of memory than usual because it is so so clear and comes all as a set like that so that's what you got too)

TLDR: OP found a dead dog once and has big feelings about it. Put collars/etc. on your pets

[applecherryandpears]

I'm not sure how to put this... but I wonder if there was a little competitiveness between Noel and Paul when it comes to Liam and being his surrogate father figure. Paul is the eldest and most grounded and was around more for Liam's formative years. But Noel shared a room with Liam and went off round the world with him then he wiped his hands of him and Paul was very much back in as Liam's primary father figure.

People have said there was a falling out between Paul and Noel over that backstage past but I doubt very much it was anything that shallow. That was also around the time Liam was in a finincial mess and asked Noel to reform the band to help which Noel refused. That seemed to be a dividing line for Paul.

Oh that was a very interesting take that made me think so thank you!

But also sorry this got über-the top long somehow, so cut needed.

I think there's truth to that yes!

Maybe there's a case of ideological differences here and also remnants of the abusive family dynamics.

First of all, the thing about Paul is that, I do believe growing up, family was very important to him. He started his book with the scare him and Noel had that Liam almost drowned as a child which says a lot, and he used to spend his hard-earned money on his brothers when he was young. But he was definitely more of a product of his surroundings than Liam and Noel were, he saw life in a very matter of fact, practical manner and interiorised the Manchester Irish working class way of life, he accepted thankless jobs while L&N did not and he appeared a bit disappointed or resentful they'd look down on him for doing so and for not including him in their grandiose escape plan, because he did not enjoy what he was doing, but from his pov there was nothing else to do.

The other thing is, when Oasis was formed, not one thought was lost on Paul, Noel was a dreamer and Liam was a star, L&N would do their thing and did not involve him in any way even though he knew how to mix music and/or, according to him, sing, when they were young both Noel and him briefly worked together as their father's roadie, they could have made him a roadie for Oasis or idk what else later on but no nothing, he was blanked out.

And Paul did try to belong in Oasis, I think because he saw this as a family endeavour and it was akin to a mini betrayal that he wasn't part of it in any capacity. He said he had some kind of business he wanted to advertise and they rejected the offer (understandingly so, I think) but also Noel barred him from setting up an oasis fan club in Manchester, what's implied is that Liam was fine with it but Noel was not. And then of course there's very much evidently the book. Liam wasn't, I think, too happy about it but didn't publicly blame Paul, I'd need to find the quote back but I thiiink he said something along the lines of he'd rather have family stuff stay private but it seemed it was important for Paul to write about it, Noel on the other hand, unsuccessfully tried to buy Paul out of the idea of publishing it and was vocal about this. It's clear Paul wanted to exist as one of the brothers, felt left out, it was about more than money.

On top of this, Paul complained many times that it was hard to get to their concerts (before the breakup) and said he wasn't at Knebworth he "went on holiday". He sounds like he was hurt or disheartened he was excluded from the brotherly dynamic, and that L&N were all too ready to leave Paul out of it. I mean, you would think that being the brother of the main oasis members would guarantee getting backstage without any issue. So I believe it may have both been a case of, (indadvertedly?) making it hard for him to get in like 'forgetting' to put him on the list or making him wait and of Paul being ignored or left on his own if he did go backstage that made him throw the towel.

After all he seemed to be quite present post oasis at their concerts. I think he was even responsible for taking photos for Liam's solo concerts. The whole situation shows just how much, much closer Noel and Liam were in a kind of fusional way, their own eldest brother was kind of part of the furniture so to speak. But it wasn't like this when they were all just kids but by then, Oasis was L&N's thing and Liam was, Noel's thing. I mean no matter what you think of L&N's relationship, one thing was clear is that it was intense, and I think had Paul often hung out backstage back then, it would have impaired the dynamic in some way. And from my understanding Noel was calling the shots at the time, Liam lived his freedom in acting out and disappearing off to nowhere.

Paul found back his place in Liam's life after Noel ejected him from his own. And he didn't appear resentful, it seems he seized his a chance to get his spot back. I actually think he got more attention from both Noel and Liam after they broke up. And I agree that he took back his eldest sibling place in Liam's life, as the spot was empty and hence may have "lectured" Noel about not being there for Liam during his dark days. It seems as Noel and Liam shared a room and formed this special bond, Paul had gradually been pushed to the side.

So relationship wise it's also interesting. Liam said that growing up he was worried his brothers were going to be unhappy and that his mother will be sick. I'm not saying Liam loves Paul more than Noel does but, he feels less distant to Paul than Noel is probably, most of the times I heard Noel mention Paul are when he wanted to remind people Liam was not his only brother after the separation or to say things like 'it's not derogatory that the best he can do is to dig out a hole so go out there and dig out the best hole possible', Liam may not mention him so often either but post Oasis, Paul mentioned he sees Liam almost every day and has Noel on the phone a couple of times a week, I'm not sure how much of this is due to the whole ordeal of Noel leaving Liam to land on his teeth but what I know is that there are many pictures of Paul with Liam's kids and I actually have yet to see one of Paul with Noel's kids.

What I mean is I'm not sure how close Noel and Paul were before but if they were, it wouldn't surprise me that Noel felt really lonely without Liam and that made him reconnect more closely with Paul, but as mentioned Paul has a family mindset so indeed it sounds completely plausible he'd have gotten in a fight with Noel about these matters around that time because he still sees them as an unit, or maybe even he felt he was getting his weight back so to speak.

But while Noel may have avoided his family in Manchester while they were asking him to make up with Liam, (in the end he had to let go of more than just Liam to freeze him out completely) I think it still gives an indication that the level of closeness of Noel and Paul is different, I'd say because they don't have so much in common and because Noel keeps to himself. Actually I think the closest person to him ever remains Liam, and he's the one he opened up to if only through his songs and being vulnerable around him. In addition Noel I think, wasn't about to defer to Paul as the eldest brother or be fine with Liam doing so.

Noel mentioned in 2017 that he always felt like he was a loner in the family household, and in true Noel fashion went radical, lying it out a little, saying they never got along really they were all kinds of independent individuals that were gathered in the same group. In 2017 Noel was really enraged at Liam and I'd venture his family tried to salvage the situation and Noel felt discriminated or angry about it hence the comment.

But, Noel is still incredibly nostalgic of the time right before they got famous, he strikes me as someone who loves his family a lot yet, he was singled out in the abuse, and it took his mother years before she left her father. Obviously, leaving someone abusive is extremely difficult even more in the 70s with no money and even more so when you're raised religious and traditional, but as a child you tend to think, my parent doesn't care enough that I'm being abused to do something about it, not every child may feel like this but it's not unusual to come to this conclusion even if only subconsciously. In addition to this, Liam was born after Noel and I'd guess that his mother didn't give Noel more attention than she did Liam, so Liam was as loved but not physically abused, it must have been a trauma for Noel (and for Liam too in a different way).

Noel may have a me vs them mentality that stems from a defence mechanism developed at that time. Like, he thinks no one is truly on his side or that he has to take care of himself he can't rely on anyone else. And in that sense, his relationship with liam may be even stronger because of this, he's clearly wanted to be this father figure for Liam, for example 1992 Liam once complained about Noel acting like a father and Noel said "of course I'm like your dad it's only fucking right". He sees Liam in different ways, including as his child, he even refers to him as one in his songs. And when he gives out advice for children growing up it's like he's talking to Liam, it appears to be very important to him.

It seems in his mind, Liam is really "his family" like his own territory, also precisely because he got to embody this father figure role. He's had impact and a long lasting one at that on Liam's life and Liam reflects to some degree his own self so no one can take this away from him. On top of that Liam is 5-6 years younger, that means a whole lot of events happened before he was "conscious" with him came an opportunity to change the dynamic.

In a family, it's usual that the eldest sibling would take on the "parent" role but in a dysfunctional family, it's not unusual that the child with the strongest personality does instead. And I think that in some ways, Noel taking the father's role in Liam's life created a drift in the sibling dynamic, suddenly it was Noel and Liam plus Paul. I also think that it relatively kept Liam and Paul from really bonding, because as long as Noel had this overbearing place in Liam's life he "belonged" to him.

I don't think that Paul sees so deep within Noel's intent. But he must have seen and felt the shift as Liam was growing up even if they were young, it's something you remember, additionally that shift in dynamic with L&N sharing a room and creating their own world as I said gradually ostracised Paul. Probably when Liam was still a young child it didn't matter much but the older he got the bigger were the csq. For example, I haven't heard much about Paul going to see Noel while he was working for the inspiral carpets or hanging out at his apartment, of course this can be because Paul's life hasn't been explored that much but unless I'm wrong he didn't mention this in his book, but Liam was often hanging out with Noel despite how much the latter pretends it wasn't the case.

[eeunoia]

ENHYPEN Series

sinag | psh.

chapter eight

pairings: park sunghoon x reader

synopsis: waiting for a great plot twist in your life, the ruthless and powerful mafia boss park sunghoon forced his way in to it.

word count: 3k

warnings: a contains harrassment, violence, guns, killings, abuse, obsessive love & other stuff. if you can't take this stuff, feel free to scroll away. let me know if i missed some.

note: the next update will probably at tuesday. thank you so much for supporting sinag. please reply, reblog and send me asks. i will surely appreciate it, i love you. stay safe!

eeunoia 2024 © all rights reserved.

Some years later...

Time passes by faster than expected. A lot of things happened. You grew at some aspect of your life, learned some new things, gain new friends, acquired new achievements and seems like your life’s really is at its best. Like this is where you should be.

But why do you feel empty sometimes? Not all the time. Just those moments where you’re left alone to meditate or think some things in your life. It was odd, but you just convince yourself that its normal for people to have these thoughts from time to time.

“Ae, your boyfriend called you multiple times last night.” your head snapped at Lucie’s side when she said that. She’s at the kitchen counter, cooking something while you head towards the center table to go find your phone.

“I was so busy finishing my work last night. I forgot my phone was here.” you stated and sighs heavily after finding indeed multiple missed calls and messages from your boyfriend. From Luke.

Yes, you got back together with him. You two met a year after you just got your job and he seems doing fine. He seems to be more matured than how your remembered him and he wanted to try it again with you. Claiming that you two are just immatures back then and surely this time it would work.

Since you haven’t got anyone to date that time and you really kind of missed having someone by your side romantically, you agreed.

You love Luke. Otherwise you wouldn’t agree to be in a relationship with him again. It’s just the spark’s not there and the feelings you have for him is shallow. Of course you never told him that and just go with the flow with him.

Lucie reminded you that breakfast will be ready soon which you responded with a short nod then walks towards the balcony.

“Babe.”

“What the hell, Aelia? I’ve been calling and texting you nonstop last night and I’m only hearing from you now? Wow!” he sounded mad. Mad and upset about you not returning his calls.

You sighs and massage your temple, trying to release the early stress life is trying to give you. The day hasn’t even starting yet and he wants to fight with you already. What a great thing to start your day with after an working all night.

“I’m sorry, Luke. Its just I got caught up with the work last night. I forgot that I left my phone at the living room after I texted you.” the last text you sent him says that you are going to be busy that night. Clearly, despite being informed he doesn’t understand it at all.

“Whatever! That’s the onlyt thing that matters to you, anyway. That stupid job of yours.” here he goes again. Whenever you two falls into an argument, he never misses the chance to use this card on you. He’s very petty about it.

“You know that’s not true.”

“Its seems like it for me.” and with that he ended the call.

You draws in a strained sigh before running your hand over your hair. The sun kissed your skin as it shines bright above you. The streets are starting to look more alive with people walking and cars driving towards their own destinations.

“Breakfast is ready, Ae!” your head snaps over to Lucie when she called out for you.

Realizing that it won’t be too good for you to stress over your boyfriend in early morning, you struts towards the kitchen to have breakfast. She already got everything prepared making you smile and put into more better mood.

“Early fight?” she guessed that you answered with a small nod.

She sighs and watches you sat down. She fill the empty glass with some orange juice then slid it towards you. She makes sure you drink fruits in the morning and not coffee since while you’re in the office, she’s certain it will be nonstop caffeine consumption.

“Come on and just eat breakfast. Think about your asshole boyfriend later.” she sounded bitter. You are aware of her disliking towards Luke. She said he just gives off negative vibes for her even after meeting him at the first time.

She’s good with reading people and her impressions are usually right.

“Language, please.” and you flash her with a smirk.

She chuckles and just dismissed that topic. The two of you chitchats about this event being held on weekend. She informed you about it weeks ago and was begging for you to come with her. You already declined, saying you’re really bad with crowded places. She knows that. Being friends with Lucie for years already gained her alot of informations about you. Including your phobia of being around too crowded places.

That’s why she’s even more pursuing you to come, convincing you after she read about this article that there’s nothing more effective to get rid of fears other than facing them. Sounds ironic, but she’s truly sticking into it.

“I’ll think about it, okay? First, I have to worry about my meeting later.” and instantly, you felt your heart raced.

“Is that today?” she looked surprised and even took a quick sip from her juice. “Are you going to meet Jake Sim later?” the excitement through her voice are unable to be covered.

“Yes.”

She squealed. “Ahhh! He’s so gorgeous. How can someone be that handsome? And why isn’t he mine?” she sounds like that’s her biggest struggle in life.

It’s been a while since you started to work in that company, and its been a while too ever since she started crushing on your boss. She kept on saying how she wished she works there and that she might have shoot her shot at flirting with him.

You always just laughs at her and shook your head because of her crazy ideas. Well, there is no doubt that the man looks dazzling. His visuals sure is something you would compare to celebrities that appears on television, even better. But he isn’t totally your type. For you, he’s just someone you would love to stare at.

“You’re crazy.” and shook your head after side eyeing her jokingly. she seems unbothered about it and kept on daydreaming, hearts flashing her eyes. it was hilarious even for you.

“You should wear that dress!” her eyes are big while she’s giving you that look.

Your brows narrowed down, wondering what she was talking about and when you realized, you’re quick to refuse.

“No way!”

“Come on! You look so hot wearing that one!” she whined like a baby.

You gave her a firm ‘no’, “I don’t want to go to a serious meeting having almost all of my tits showing at him.” the idea itself makes you shiver in so much cringe.

She laughed so hard while watching you.

“I bet he’ll be distracted.” she smirks.

You gave her a disgusted look on your face.

“Enough! I don’t want to hear about it and besides, I have a boyfriend.” and you finished the last bite of the food before putting it on the sink.

She scoffed, “Ah, right. Your Class A, boyfriend.”

“Class A?” you asked, confused.

She smiled sweetly, “Yes, Class A. Class Asshole.”

You laughed at what she said and she did too, proud of what she just said. The two of you then went on your own rooms to start preparing for work.

After you finished getting ready, you bid her good bye and left. When you arrived at the company, it was obvious how they’re cleaning every inch of it. The workplace is neat all the time, yes. But they’re paying attention into keen details. A clear sign that the boss is arriving.

He doesn’t visit often so they always make sure that the company is perfect whenever he does.

“Ae!” Clara greets delightedly as you walk inside your floor. Heads whips to see you strides along the office hallway. Eyes of boy workmates remained while the other just smoothly went back to their works.

She gave you a small hug, “Are you ready for the report later?” she looked tensed and excited at the same time.

You nodded your head and rests your bag over the swivel chair. She follows inside your office and sat at the visitor chair in front of your table.

“I still can’t believe how you’re not thrilled to report in front of Mr. Sim. How come your knees doesn’t go weak whenever his eyes sets at you?” she asks, exaggerating.

You chuckled and shook your head. She’s just like Lucie, they’re both head over heels Mr. Sim.

Soon after, you are informed that the boss will be arriving soon together with one of its good friend, Mr. Nishimura. It’s not the first time you’ve seen his snobby handsome face. He often visits here with the boss, Mr. Jake Sim. It was obvious that they’re very close with each other.

Mr. Sim is not that friendly, but you can sense that he’s a little friendlier towards you. At first, you find it odd and suspicious, but he never did something that made you uncomfy so the thought eventually dismissed.

Mr. Nishimura on the other hand is a lot goofier, but he’s moody. Sometimes he smiles and greets you, but there are times he seemed so cold and distant. Almost makes you think that there’s two of them.

Suited men enters the floor to where the conference room was located, and just by then you stood up because the boss will show up anytime soon. The head of your department, together with you and Clara stood silently.

“Why does Mr. Sim needs to have so many bodyguards?” she asks, talking loudly of your own thoughts.

You used to wonder about that one as well. Yes, you completely understand that he’s very much wealthy and that he needed security, but its just oddly exaggerated. To the point that it doesn’t feel right. Like something’s behind it.

“Did you know there's a rumor that Mr. Sim is from the family of Mafia? Some says he’s that guy! Sim Jaeyun!” Clara added, mentioning a name that is almost feel forbidden to say because it feels like something bad will happen to you if you did.

“Ehh...” your words stall as you try to imagine Jake holding guns and doing some dangerous stuff. Yes it would definitely look cool, but nah.

“Come on? There’s no way, Clara. Besides, isn’t Mr. Jake Sim originally from Australia?”

She pursed her lips and sighed, “You’re right. Maybe it really is just a coincidence.”

She stops talking when the guy you are just talking about enters. Beside him was Mr. Nishimura, smirking.

Everyone politely bows in his arrival and he did a small bow as well, roaming his eyes around his employees like as if searching for somebody. When it met yours, you once again bowed at him. He nods his head and smiles.

“Let’s go inside, shall we?” and with that all of you enters, proceeding to your meeting.

“Are you sure you aren’t developing some kind of feelings, hyung?” Ni-ki asked with suspicion and judgement through his eyes.

The meeting just ended and after everyone was dismissed, Jake started rummaging over your information and stared at it for an hour already.

Jake rolls his eyes and sighs, before undoing his necktie. “Stop talking nonsense, Ni-ki. I’m not planning to receive Sunghoon’s wrath.” he mumbled with a monotone.

Ni-ki shrugged his shoulders off and just mindlessly stared at the papers on the table. It’s been a while since they started this babysitter thing with you. Even if they’re making sure you are safe and you’re living comfortably, the two of them kept their distance. Making sure they aren’t totally becoming suspicious to avoid any problems.

He heard Sunghoon’s recent achievement was a blow because he managed to get one of the Kwon’s biggest source of income. He strived hard for the past year and now the engagement was announced to be officially off. Although, he wasn’t really going to do it in any circumstances.

“What’s so interesting about Aelia’s files, hyung? We already know everything that’s in there. Can we just go somewhere fun? Like visit Jay hyung and piss him off?” he sounded so bored already.

Jake sighs, “I’m checking her schedule and her latest appointment results from her therapists. I think she can go to an out of the country trip now.” he says.

Ni-ki almost fell from his chair after he heard what his hyung said. Is he thinking what he thinks he’s talking about? After waiting for so long, is it really happening already?

“Are you planning to make them meet?!” he sounded more than excited and Jake couldn’t even blame him.

He himself feels so thrilled of how its going to be after Sunghoon managed to find you.

“Don’t get too excited, Ni-ki. You’ll spoil the moment.” he kids that was ignored by the younger one.

“Can we be there when it happens?!”

Jake gave him this weird look, like as if he thinks he’s losing his mind. Ni-ki remains smiling, hopeful that his hyung will agree.

“Why would you want to be there, you creep? Let them have their moment.” and even threw a crumpled paper over Ni-ki.

He snorts, “I am their moment.” he jokes.

“Sunghoon will choke you.”

“Damn, tell him to save it for Aelia instead.”

Jake looked at him with disgust, “You should just go home.”

Ni-ki laughed so loud because of it before fishing his phone from his pocket. “No fucking thanks. I’ll stay here with you. Do you want to order food? I want some sushi.”

Jake just sighs and started typing a message. Sunghoon deserves a reward after-all. It’s time for them to meet already. He could not help but to look forward for that moment to happen. First, he needs to make sure you’re ready to try and go out of the country again.

Your eyes lifts from the monitor towards Clara who just knocked and peak her head to see you.

“Ms. Nam said she needs to see you at her office.” she announced and you just gave her a short nod.

“I’ll be right there.”

After saving your work, you stood up and head towards the office of the head of your department. Everyone’s pretty busy with their own work. Even if a little confused as to why she randomy calls for you, you shrugged it off.

You knocked twice and waited for her to let you in. A bright smile is what greets you. It made you feel relieved.

“You call for me, Miss?”

“Yes! I need to talk to you about something.”

You nodded and sat down at the chair in front of her table. She kept her gaze at you, like checking of signs to say what she’s about to say.

“I want you to attend the seminar next week.”

You were surprised for a while, “B-But is it the one that will be held outside of the country?” your tone sounded so worried.

She nods, “Yes, my schedule got mixed up and I have to be somewhere important that week. I need someone reliable to be present on that seminar and that person is you.”

You are silent, unable to say anything. All you can think of is how will you do that or if you’ll be fine about it. Only bad things happens whenever you go out of the country, so you’re starting to decline any possible chance to go.

“B-But Miss—”

“I’m not taking a no for an answer, Ae.” she states in a strict tone.

Your lips pursed into a thin line and fingers fidgets while your hand rests on top of your thighs. You feel anxious, scared and worried.

“I know what you’ve been through before and I really feel bad for you. But there are things that we need to face sooner or later, our fears included.”

She’s right anyway. Just like what Lucie always tells you, there’s no better way to get rid of that fear other than facing them.

Without thinking twice, you nodded your head. And that was it. No more backing out this time. You’ll really go out of the country again. Hopefully this trip will be better than your past experiences. If not, then you’ll probably just rot in your country.

On the other hand, Icarus, Sunghoon’s right hand knocks over his boss' office late at night. He heard him telling him to come in so he opened the door.

“Sir, we have new updates about the girl.”

Sunghoon’s hand halts from signing one of the proposals he was holding. His eyes bore at the paper, thoughts slowly getting blank.

Here goes again that familiar feeling. Hope.

How many times did that emotion lights fire inside him and kills it afterwards? How many times did he felt so frustrated and disappointed whenever he fails to find you? How many times did he lose his mind and went crazy out of anger because you were not there?

It was awful and devastating. It was tiring and draining.

But here he is again, hoping that this time he will find you. He will never stop until you are in his arms. He will never let anyone stop him. He will find you. He doesn’t care how broken or ruined he is after failing over and over again, because he knew it’ll be worth it once he find you.

He stood up without hesitation and grabbed his coat. “Get my private plane ready.”

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[yuseirra]

(Probably my final analysis about this guy unless something new comes up) There is a reason why Kamiki must be a god from a thematic perspective.

+prediction: This manga's ending can be really unhinged lol

I haven't encountered any spoilers regarding the ramaining chapters and if I get sent ANY, I WILL block you. No prior warnings. I was too tormented by those earlier. I don't deserve that for having cared for hikaai..(But if I get anything right.. You may o<-<.. Ohh I have so many love-hate relationship w this comic.. I guess I'll be able to get over with this whole nervousness soon one way or the other)

Jotted this down earlier, used machine translator haha ;v;

To elaborate, I think there are two remaining ways to handle this character. One is to treat him delicately (but considering the limited chapters left, this seems almost out of the question; everyone keeps saying he's dead and it's over, and it upsets me. I don’t think that way. I’m not even sure if he’s actually dead, yet everyone seems so certain he is, and it’s depressing. Wouldn't that be a really bad outcome? It’s not about liking the character; it just feels so unfair to both the readers and the character if the story goes in that direction. Just brushing him off as a villain would be too shallow, and I don't think it would make for a good story. But everyone else seems to have given up... Should I give up too? Would the author make such a choice? I’m sorry, but I really don’t think they'd finish this story so sloppily after getting this far. If so, I’d say I could put more effort into writing about him, but I don’t want to speak like this about someone else’s precious work.)

The other option is to treat him as a "fallen god" like the title suggests, glossing over some details. This way, they can maintain some narrative consistency without devoting much chapter space to him. There are actually a lot of hints regarding this (for example, if we assume he actually killed a lot of people, it could explain why no bodies were ever found... Like, we might get a news story in the next chapter about hundreds of bodies being discovered in the mountains because the power that concealed them vanished after his death (which would be terrifying. Then I’d be left baffled & wondering again, what kind of person was Ai really involved with?;; why the heck did the writers make her love such a guy?? I explained how this could work in a way IF he's a god in my earlier posts)).

Looking at the broader scope of the work, if we try to understand what the story is aiming to convey, there’s a clear significance to the character.

If they want to bury several dark aspects of the entertainment industry in him and just decide he is the reason behind it all, then he can't just be an ordinary person.

Seriously, Ai wouldn't have died for this kind of reason if she wasn't a celebrity. Nino and Ryosuke, these deranged individuals, wouldn’t have meddled in her private life and family matters, claiming that she must be the perfect idol, that she can't have a boyfriend or children, chasing her down, and trying to kill her if she weren't one. Many of Ai’s miseries stemmed from her being an idol, where her individuality was not accepted, and this isn’t a problem that can be resolved by simply taking down one madman—it’s connected to societal perceptions. To write this off as being Kamiki’s fault doesn’t even seem possible to me. That's not just simply bad writing, it's irresponsible and harmful. So I don't see the writers making such a choice. They're smart people.

Even if Kamiki harbored resentment after breaking up with his girlfriend, Ai wouldn't have been harmed if she wasn’t a celebrity. Nino even mentioned that Kamiki only talked about Ai. If Ai had been a regular person, what he did probably would have just him reminiscing about her as an ex-girlfriend. Seriously. Does this really make sense for it to believe that Kamiki orchestrated Ai’s murder? There should be a better reason. Otherwise, it’s just Nino and Ryosuke being unhinged, right? Wasn't Kamiki a minor in middle or high school at the time? I doubt he would have directly ordered anyone to kill Ai. Does he seem like someone who would harm Ai deliberately? If that were the case, why wouldn’t he have sought revenge immediately after the breakup? Why wait four whole years? Why? Even if he had anger and resentment (which I believe he did not...this guy never blames Ai.)would die down a lot within that much timespan. Honestly, I have no idea. Considering about the major event at time being Ai's dome concert, I plain think he'd have intended to send flowers through a friend to congratulate her about it, but then the accident happened. Ai’s comment that “our kids are smart and will understand our situation” suggests they weren’t completely out of touch. Maybe Ai told him where she was, which is why he knew about the hospital on her delivery day. Just WHY would he harm her? He's been throwing away his entire life away for a cause related to her for over a decade after she's deceased!! He never wanted to hurt her!!

Going back to the point, if his character isn’t going to be given proper focus (but considering they even brought in a famous voice actor for him, wouldn’t he be more significant than just a side character?), then it would make more sense for him to be a god. That way, he can absorb the societal context surrounding him. Like, he was originally a divine guardian of the entertainment world, but he became corrupted and fell into madness because of humanity. And there are plenty of odd situations and foreshadowing that can only be explained this way... His unique connection with Ai, the intensity of his attachment—it wouldn’t need further explanation, because there’s a narrative that exists beyond the story itself. If he’s treated as just a person, he holds no symbolic value and is merely a broken-minded individual—a mere psychopath. What would that contribute to the story? It shouldn’t go that way. It wasn’t until Chapter 154 that I realized, “Ah... This guy wasn’t supposed to be the culprit.” I just kept following along from there. If the story has a message to convey, it needs to address this. I can see where it's headed, and it’s frustrating, so I just want it to show a bit more! And then they say the story is ending soon. I think the most pressing need for the story now is to resolve its thematic elements.

I can think of about three or four scenarios for how this manga might end. Remember Chapter 156-7 or so, where Aqua and Ruby have that conversation? That chapter is narratively ominous. After reading that, I thought this story might end as a vision flashing before the eyes of two dying people. Like, “You had fun, didn’t you? This kind of life wasn’t so bad, right?” If that chapter is any indication, it’s not impossible that the entire story has been a well-constructed stage, all fiction! That chapter gave me a weird vibe, so I mentioned that the author might craft an ending that over 70% of the readers would dislike in a post once.

If it takes a really bold direction, it could end like that.

Or it could go with a more conventional ending. But this story, since Chapter 1, has been talking about how “everything is fiction, the world is fiction, and it hopes for good lies.” I think something that ties back to that concept will come up at the end.

And the last scenario is an ending that tries to hold onto some deeper meaning (but that doesn’t rule out an Aqua-Ruby flashback ending... lol. They could try to maintain meaning even with that or fulfill Aqua’s dreams of going to medical school and ending up with Kana~~).

Honestly... Even with four chapters left, I’d like them to dedicate like two of them to Kamiki. If we’re talking about liars, he’s as much of a liar as Ai, but he hasn’t been highlighted at all. Is becoming like Ruby supposed to be ideal? I haven’t been convinced of that... If this story wants to say something meaningful about the entertainment industry, it should address the lies required by idols and actors alike.

Wrap up Aqua’s story in one or two chapters, give Kana a happy ending (Kana’s been through a lot in the narrative), even if Aqua and Ruby don’t find happiness, I think Kana should at least find some fulfillment. MEM-cho will do fine, and Akane’s smart, so she’ll be okay.

Kamiki and Ai deserve about half of the remaining focus, thematically speaking. Even if Kamiki ends up being too far gone and deserves to rot in hell, we should at least understand who he really was. Ai’s true feelings were revealed, but Kamiki never got that chance... He never had a real opportunity to be happy, either. To me, he’s more of a person who was pushed to the brink and went mad rather than someone purely evil, so I can’t stop thinking about him. There’s a reason the story was written this way, and I want it to show that. There's someone broken and hit and hurt, but no one's taking responsibility for it. Is that right? Is that what you call justice? I don't think so. It gets on my nerves. I knew that he was a noble soul before they even brought that up. He used to be kind but something pushed him so far. A good story should show what broke him.

The recent chapters have been intriguing but not particularly substantive, mostly dropping hints without much resolution, given the remaining chapters. Can they really tie everything up? I have my doubts.

I just want the story to hold onto its meaning, regardless of the characters’ fates. That’s my hope. For me, this piece is about the message. I really wish it gives out a good one. I’ll keep quiet now; I really hate being wrong—

Did I figure out what this manga is trying to convey? If I have- I hope it goes in that direction. I do have an idea. It’s still possible, after all.

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender - Ch. 34

You and Joel reconnect. A continuation of Lavender Ch. 1-33 found on Tumblr here.

Sorry for the Narcos gif guysssss

Pairing: Joel Miller x Reader

Warnings: SMUT (fingering, unprotected P in V sex BE SMART PEEPS), mention of suicide. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ only

Length: 4.8k

“We need to find some place to sit this out,” Joel frowned, looking up toward the sky. 

Something that came along with living in Texas was being able to read when a bad storm was rolling in. It wasn’t a skill he’d kept up in Boston - the climate was so different, he didn’t need to. But this part of the country was different. It was too cool for tornadoes, at least, but it didn’t take a twister to do some serious damage. 

The dark clouds had been hanging overhead for hours and Joel had been watching them mount, their heavy, bulbous hangings sinking lower and lower in the sky. It was starting to get dark - too cloudy to properly see the sunset - and there was the distinctive, constant rumble of thunder in the distance. 

“There’s not going to be much out this way,” you frowned. “It’s been a while since we saw much of anything…” 

Ellie kicked a chunk of asphalt on the street, the scraping of it melding with the sound of distant thunder. 

She hadn’t said much since you’d left Kansas City that morning. Joel dug shallow graves for Henry and Sam, lowering their bodies into the earth with a sickening sense of finality. He looked at Henry for a moment before he started to cover him in dirt. The wound on his head was where Joel’s scar lay. If things had gone the way he’d meant to that day, if it hadn’t been for your voice in his head… 

“I’ll always love you, Joel. Til the day I die.” 

If he thought about it for even a moment he could hear you clearly. He wondered if that was still true, if you still loved him. If he could win you back if you didn’t. 

When he’d covered their bodies, you brought Ellie out of the motel. The girl put Sam’s writing pad on top of his grave, the words “I’m sorry” written on it. 

“I tried to save him,” she said softly. “He… he showed me his bite and I thought maybe my blood…” 

“Oh sweetheart,” you brushed her hair back and pulled her into your chest. “It doesn’t work that way, I’m so sorry.” 

“It just…” she peered over your arm, down to the graves. “It felt like I should have been able to save him…” 

You stepped back from her and met her gaze.

“You don’t need to save anybody but yourself,” you said. “It doesn’t matter if you’re immune or not. Saving people isn’t your job. It’s not what you’re here to do. You haven’t failed if someone gets hurt, OK?” 

She nodded once before looking back at the graves for a moment and taking a deep, shaky breath. 

“Let’s get the fuck out of here,” she said. 

She hadn’t said much since. Joel was starting to miss the puns. 

“Seen some cuts in off the road last bit,” Joel said, gesturing at the tree line. “They’re a bit grown over but probably get to hunting cabins and shit, we can follow the next one.” 

There was another offshoot from the main road less than a mile up. Joel almost missed it, the gravel path so overgrown that it was almost entirely hidden. There was a wooden signpost inside some of the brush, the paint faded with moss growing over the raised letters: The MITCHELL cabin. 

“So people used to have more than one house,” Ellie said, sounding skeptical as the three of you followed the remains of the drive. “Enough that people needed signs.” 

“Yup,” your hands were looped through the straps of your bag. “Lots of people, actually. I had a friend in college whose parents had a beach house AND a hunting cabin on top of their regular house.” 

“Same friend with the kid who you went to the space center with and shit?” Ellie asked, looking up at you. 

Joel froze and you glanced back at him over your shoulder before looking back to Ellie. 

“No, different friend,” you said. “Believe it or not, I had two. Pretty much just two, though.” 

You’d told Ellie about Sarah. Maybe not by name - she clearly didn’t know it was at all tied to Joel. But she knew about Sarah. You’d talked about her, sometime before this trip. About the things you’d done together. You’d talked about her and him and your life together like it was something you remembered fondly, something that was on your mind. Something that was worth sharing. 

He kept walking. 

“Did you have more than one house?” She asked. 

“No,” you laughed. “No, I didn’t even have one, really. My grandmother did, I just lived there. And she just had the one.” 

She nodded along, like she was taking the snippets of information you’d given her and filing them away somewhere, keeping a running log of what life was like before the world ended. It was strange, her longing for this world she’d never seen. Her drive to want to return to something she didn’t know. 

The cabin was bigger than Joel had expected, more of a vacation house than a true cabin. It was two stories, probably about the size of his house in Texas all told. He doubted anyone had been in it in 20 years. A tree had started to grow through the front deck, the trunk splitting the boards that had become covered in mildew and lichen. 

But the windows and doors were all intact, things inside undisturbed. The air was stale and damp but it could be worse. 

Joel took a quick look through the place just to be sure before finding the two of you sitting around the kitchen table. 

“Anything bad in here?” Ellie asked as you pulled food out from your bag. 

“Just you,” he smiled a little. She rolled her eyes but he could have sworn he saw her smile a bit back. 

“Three bedrooms upstairs,” he said, setting the lantern out. “One at the back’s got a leaky roof. One down here. Looks like there might be some clothes and things. Sheets and blankets that don’t look moldy.” 

“Apparently all we had to do to find a good place to stay for a few days was wander the woods in the midwest,” you said. “Who knew.” 

“Kid, you take one of the rooms upstairs,” he said. “We’ll be down here, just in case someone does show up.” 

After eating, you gave Ellie a book from your bag and she curled up in the corner of the dusty couch while Joel inspected the fireplace, opening the flue and clearing it. The thunder was getting closer. 

“I’m going to find dry wood while I can,” he said. “Stay put.” 

The distance made him anxious. Not that he went far, but it was getting dark. With his deaf ear, the sounds of the forest and the worsening thunder, he wasn’t sure he’d hear you or Ellie if you screamed. He missed the days of cell phones, when he could have just expected you to call if something happened. It was hard to focus on much else, not certain that the two of you were safe. 

When he got back, you were on the couch, reading something on your lap by candlelight. 

“Ellie has the lantern,” you said by way of greeting. “What’s it looking like out there?” 

“Storm should be here any minute,” he said. “Might be good to stay here tomorrow, too. Just… after everything.” 

“No clickers or anything?” You asked. 

“Far enough out, should be safe,” he replied. “And no one’d found this place before us, should be off the radar of anyone else.” 

“So we can actually breathe without someone trying to kill us?” You asked. “What a strange concept…” 

He just smiled a bit while he built a fire, glancing back at you every so often to see the candlelight catching on your hair. You started absently humming something and he frowned. 

“Is that Fast Car?” He asked. 

“Hm?” 

“You’re humming,” he said. “Fast Car?” 

“Oh,” you smiled a bit. “Yeah, sorry, it’s been stuck in my head for a few days…”

“Don’t apologize,” he said. “Just… haven’t heard it in a while.” 

He wondered if you were thinking of him playing it on the guitar by the pool on a summer night, back when things were normal. When he took you to bed that night, he moved slow inside you, your soft sounds catching on your throat when you came. 

“I’m going to check on Ellie,” you said, putting the book down heading up stairs. 

Joel stared into the fire, watching as the wood was consumed. The thunder was close now, the storm almost upon you. He could feel the shift in air pressure when he was outside, the swollen clouds overwrought and ready to burst. 

“And she’s out,” you said, carrying an armload of blankets and pillows. “Why is it so relieving when you know a kid is asleep?” You set the linens on the floor next to the couch and sat beside them. “It’s not like she’s a toddler or that we need to keep her from getting into things she shouldn’t. Except maybe the guns… But hell, she’s a teenager and we don’t have to worry about her sneaking out! But it’s still so nice to know that she’s asleep.” 

“See how long that lasts,” he said as a rumble of thunder shook the house. 

“Well, I gave her a sleeping pill,” you winced a little as you said it. “There were some left at the pharmacy in Lincoln. She’s seen enough today, she needs to sleep, it seems safe here… figured it was the time to use one.” 

He nodded slowly. He was a little jealous that someone would be able to sleep that deeply. He hadn’t. Not in years. 

You started spreading blankets out on the floor, near the fire. 

“Figured we could have some padding for the damn sleeping bags if we need to be near the door,” you said. “Nice change from just the ground.” 

You settled on the small nest you’d made facing the fire, your legs pulled into your chest, arms around your knees. Joel just watched you for a moment, your eyes reflecting the flicker of the fire, the curve of your neck, the barest hint of cleavage visible behind your button down shirt. You took down your hair, unwinding it from the braids, running your fingers through the curls that had formed in it until it hung loose and wild around you. 

Fuck, he missed you. Missed touching you, tasting you, knowing you in a way no one else got to know you. He missed being the keeper of the things that were otherwise yours alone. The sounds you made when you were lost in pleasure, the way you twitched in your sleep, the expressions you made when deciding what to wear when getting dressed in the morning. It was like he’d become a museum of these things about you, things that he didn’t know what to do with now. But he couldn’t bear to lose them. 

He moved closer to you, sitting close enough beside you that his arm brushed yours. You smiled a little at him. He hoped it would help, being closer to you. That it would ease this ache inside him. That something, anything, would provide some relief. 

“How are you doing?” You asked after a moment. 

Longing? Needy? Missing what he’d fucked up with you so much it hurt? 

“Fine,” he shrugged. 

“You sure?” You asked, twisting a little to look at him. Your brows were drawn together. “I’m not trying to pry, I just… I’m worried.” 

He was close to you, so close to you. But the ache was worse, growing into something hot and demanding. 

“Don’t want you to worry,” he said, his voice rough. He was leaning into you. He wasn’t meaning to, he wasn’t thinking about it, there was something in him just pulling him into your orbit. It was like gravity, not something he could deny or fight against. And he was having a hard time caring. 

“Joel,” you said softly. The fire in him was spreading, from the center of him, through his limbs, his fingers, threatening to swallow him whole until he was nothing but ash at your feet. 

His hand went to your face moving slowly, gently. Like he would an animal he didn’t want to startle. His fingers slipped into your hair. Your skin was soft and smooth below his palm and his lips brushed yours for half a moment before he kissed you. 

You felt just like he remembered and he hadn’t realized how much he’d immortalized you in his mind until that moment, your lips moving against his own, your breaths coming in short, soft pants against him as he adjusted his body to be against yours. 

But you pulled back from him, still so close that your lips brushed his own when you spoke. 

“I can’t do this with you, Joel,” you whispered. “I can’t…” 

You pulled back from him, slipping away from his hand, his touch. You looked like you were in pain. 

“Baby,” he whispered back but you just shook your head. 

“No,” you said. “I can’t… I just… I can’t.”  

You got up and went for the door, leaving him on the floor behind you. 

***

Your head was spinning, your chest tight. The air outside was thick and the thunder was loud enough that you could feel it in your bones. You fought to not cry as you stood outside the cabin, looking up at the trees and the clouds overhead. 

It took everything you had to not go in there and jump on the chance that Joel was giving you. You wanted it - you wanted him - so bad it hurt. You’d never wanted anything more than you wanted him and he was there. So close. But he would destroy you, you knew that now. Shred you from the inside out until there was nothing of yourself left to try to save. You couldn’t do that, not anymore. 

“Can’t do what,” he followed you out of the house and you closed your eyes and sighed. 

“Joel,” you turned to face him, keeping your eyes closed. 

“What can’t you do?” He asked, his voice calm. You opened your eyes and he was so close to you, so close you would hardly need to move to kiss him again. 

God, kissing him… 

“I can’t…” you crossed your arms over your chest to keep yourself from touching him. Your voice caught on your throat. “I can’t…” 

“Baby,” he reached for you again but you pulled back and, suddenly, the driving, throbbing want shifted to something else entirely. 

Why did he think he could just do this? Why did he think he could just touch you? Have you? Whenever he wanted? 

“I can’t be the vessel that you use to work your shit out with, Joel!” You snapped. “I can’t do it, I can’t let you keep doing that to me it hurts too goddamn much and…” 

“That’s not what this Is,” he said softly. “That’s not…” 

“You and I both know that’s what this is,” tears stung at your eyes. “And I understand that you’re going through a lot, that you miss Tess, that you’re hurting because of…” 

“No,” he shook his head. “No that’s not…” 

“Yes, it is!” You said. “This is what we do, you and me. I fawn over you like some stupid little girl and you use me for whatever it is that you feel like you need and you throw me away when you’re done with me and I can’t fucking do that again, Joel, I can’t do it!” 

“It’s never been…” 

“When hasn’t it been that way?” You demanded. “When? The first time you fucked me after I practically threw myself at you like an idiot and then you ignored me for weeks? Was it when you broke up with me over the phone because I wasn’t worth the trouble anymore? How about when you blamed me for the worst thing that ever happened to you and told me you wished you never met me? 

“Every time, every fucking time you want me I give in to you and then you put me down and I just sit there, like some broken toy, waiting for you to come back and I can’t do that anymore!”  

There was a crack of thunder and the lightning was bright enough that you could see the pain on Joel’s face. His eyes were searching your own, desperate and sad. 

“You think that’s all you are to me?” He asked quietly. “That you’re something that I use and throw away?” 

You held his gaze and squared your jaw. He stepped closer, so close that your bodies were touching. 

“I’ve loved you for as long as I’ve known you existed…” he said. You shook your head and bit your lip and tried to keep yourself from crying. “I never wanted to leave you but I was watching you give up things that you should have had, that you were good enough and smart enough to have. I was seeing you give up shit that you deserved because of me and I couldn’t let you put yourself on hold for me! I couldn’t be the thing that fucked your life up, I loved you too fucking much to be the thing that fucked your life up…” 

“I watched you be with someone else for 15 years, Joel!” You choked it out. “You…” 

“I was scared!” He said, all but yelling it. “I was fucking terrified!” 

“Terrified of what!” 

“Of not being able to survive if I lost you!” He was panting for breath. The thunder rolled and a fat raindrop landed on your forehead. He took a deep, shaky breath. “I couldn’t… What happened today, with Henry… The only reason I’m alive today is because of you.” 

“What?” You breathed, your eyebrows knitting together. 

“No one tried to shoot me,” he said. His voice trembled. “The scar… I’m the one who missed. It was the day after the outbreak and Sarah… We’d passed so many bodies, it didn’t seem like you could have survived and it felt… it felt like you were gone. Without her, without you it just… There wasn’t a point to any of it…” 

“Joel,” you reached for him, your hand touching his face, your fingers finding the scar at his temple. He closed his eyes for a moment, leaning into your touch.

“When I tried,” he said. “When… when I pulled the trigger, I heard your voice in my head. What you said to me when… when I left you. It was like you were right fucking next to me and it… I flinched. Because some part of me knew you were out there somewhere. That life could be worth it again someday if I could just fucking get to you.

“But being with you again…” He closed his eyes. Rain was falling harder, faster. “Fuck, Baby, it was all I wanted but I was scared, I was so scared all the fucking time. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t… I knew that if something happened to you that I wouldn’t survive it and I couldn’t live with it. I couldn’t do it, that’s why I left, why I pushed you away. I was too weak, I was too… I was too afraid to love anything the way I loved you. The way I still love you. I tried to stop it, I tried to push you far enough away that I’d survive it but I can’t, I can’t stop… Loving you feels like all I know how to fucking do and I can’t try to keep myself from doing it anymore. I can’t keep doing it from afar, I can’t keep trying to keep you safe from arm’s length, I can’t live like this anymore. 

“I know I’ve hurt you,” he said quietly. “I know that I don’t deserve to ask you for a goddamn thing. But I… Please. Let me love you. Let me try to get it right this time.” 

The rain was falling and you could barely feel it, even though you knew it was soaking you. All you could feel was him, how close he was, how it was like he’d broken open all your defenses. 

“I can’t handle you leaving me again,” you managed. Your hand was still on his face. “I can’t…” 

“I won’t,” he breathed. “I know you have no reason to trust me but I will never leave you, never. I can’t…” 

You kissed him. You couldn’t help it anymore, not when he was this close to you, not when he was offering you the only thing it felt like you’d ever really wanted. 

His hands went to your face, twisting in your hair, cupping the arch of your neck, pulling you closer against him as the heavens opened and sheets of rain poured down. 

He pulled back from you ever so slightly.

“We should go inside,” he said, your body cradled against his. You only nodded. 

You barely made it in the door and Joel was tugging at the buttons of your shirt, fumbling with them until he was sliding the wet fabric down your arms and onto the floor, his mouth on your own. You pulled at his back, trying to not pop the buttons while getting to his skin as quickly as you could, eventually shoving the sleeves down his arms and exposing the smooth, tan skin of his chest, the softness of his stomach. 

“Fuck you’re beautiful,” he breathed, his lips trailing down your jaw to your throat, his big, warm hands splaying over back, pulling you tightly against him. 

“I’ve missed you,” you breathed, your fingers tangling in his lush hair, pressing your lips into his chest. “I’ve missed you so much…” 

His mouth traveled back to yours, his tongue slipping into you. You were breathing the same air as him, he was everywhere around you, the only thing you could feel, the only thing that you wanted to feel. 

“Need you,” he groaned against your lips as he unclasped your bra. “Need to feel you, need to be inside you…” 

“Joel,” you ran your hands over his back, his bared skin, feeling him, feeling like coming back home after years away. His hands slipped around to your jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping them before hiking your leg over his hip. His hard length was pressed against your center and it was like a shock ran through you, a hunger inside you that you hadn’t felt since he last touched you. 

Everything else paled in comparison, the overwhelming need clawing and ripping to get to him, to make him a part of you and you a part of him. You wanted him more than you wanted anything else, wanted him more than food or water or air. 

He moved you to the couch and lowered you onto it, dropping on his knees in front of you. He pulled himself away from you enough to slide your pants and underwear down your body, casting them aside before he ran his hands up the inside of your bare thighs as you panted for breath. 

It was exposing, the intimacy of him looking at you, his eyes roving over your naked body, lingering on your wet slit. You fought the urge to squirm, to shift and hide. He reverently slid his hands along your thighs, meeting at the apex of your legs. He gently, softly ran his thumbs over you until they met at your clit making you whimper. 

“Fucking beautiful,” he slipped a thumb between your lower lips, slipping closer to your entrance. “Most beautiful fucking thing I’ve ever seen…” 

He left one hand against you as the other one slipped around to your lower back and tugged you closer, sliding your body to the edge of the couch, pressing his lips against yours again. 

His kiss was harsh, starving, like he was going to devour you. As though he hadn’t already consumed you, swallowed everything you were. 

He slipped his thumb up to your clit and pressed one finger into you, opening you for him so slowly it was almost painful. You moaned into his mouth and his finger hooked up into your inner wall into the spot that made you melt, the place inside you that felt like belonged to him and him alone. 

“Need you,” you were panting, your body tightening around him.

“I know Baby,” he said softly, sinking another finger inside you. “Need to make you cum first…” 

His thumb worked your clit, his fingers stretching you open, his other hand making you arch into his body, his tongue plundering your mouth. You were full of him, surrounded by him and you couldn’t get enough of him. Your whole body was tensing around him, tightening like a spring until you came and he swallowed your gasping moan. 

The second you felt like you were in control of your body again, you reached for his pants, desperate to get him naked. You needed more of him, you had to feel more of him. He helped you, sliding his jeans and underwear down and off. You separated from him enough to look at him again. 

It had been so long it was like seeing him for the first time. If you had to pick a favorite color, you were torn if it would be the color of his eyes or the color of his skin, the rich, golden tan of him. He was softer now than he had been before but his chest and arms were still firm and strong and you wanted nothing more than to be held against his chest in his arms. And his cock… 

Joel had always been the best you’d ever had and the biggest. There were parts of you that no one but him had touched, his length thick and hard and dripping. Your body ached for it.

You swallowed, your heart thudding against your ribs as you looked up at him. He trailed his nose along your throat to your ear. 

“I won’t hurt you again,” he breathed. “Never going to leave you again…” 

He pulled you tightly against him and pulled you to the floor, laying you down in front of the fire on the blankets. Joel delicately ran his fingers over your tender sex, making you moan, collecting your wetness and covering himself in you before notching himself at your entrance. 

He settled himself between your legs, the weight of him pressing into your hips, your stomach, his arms caging you in, fingers in your hair. 

“I love you,” you breathed as he sank into you, his cock opening you up, your body taking him into you until he was fully inside you. His forehead dropped to yours as he panted for breath, giving you a moment to adjust to his size. 

“Fuck, I love you,” he managed, gasping and desperate. “Feels so good, so fucking good…” 

He kissed you again before moving in you. It was slow at first, aching and desperate. Like every ounce of pain, every moment of being without him was being worked out where your bodies were joined. He reached the end of you with every thrust, the head of him pressing against your back wall so hard there was a twinge of pain to it, pain you welcomed because it meant you were full of him. 

You worked your hips back up against his and he picked up the pace as he kissed down your jaw to your throat, your breasts, taking a nipple delicately in his mouth, brushing his teeth over the tender nub. 

“Joel,” you panted, your body tightening around him again, drawing in so much that it felt almost impossible for it to build any more. “Please…” 

He released your nipple and kissed you again, his tongue fucking into your mouth the same way he was your pussy. 

“Never letting you go,” his voice was frantic, desperate, his hips pressing hard and deep into you with almost bruising strength. “Never going to hurt you again, never… fuck, I love you, love you…” 

Thunder shook the house and you cried out as you came, your walls clamping around him. He thrust into you twice more before he plunged as deep into you as he could and came undone, spilling into you as you gripped him tight. 

He collapsed on top of you, still inside you, both of you panting for breath. Joel reverently ran a finger along your hairline before threading his hand into your hair, tilting your head to kiss you gently. 

“You’re staying,” you said it, didn’t ask it. You felt it this time.

“Never leaving,” he breathed. “Never leaving you again.”

A/N: OHMYGOD WE FINALLY GOT HERE JFC. Yes you can get attached, they're together now, this is sticking, you can feel safe with these two idiots in love. I hope this at least somewhat lived up to the hype and the build up and that you're feeling somewhat satisfied! If not, there will be a fair bit more smutty bits from here onwards because obvs.

I do have a taglist, please let me know if you want to be added by commenting below!

Thank you thank you THANK YOU for sticking with this story! I know it's been a while since the main couple has been together (like 20 chapters???) and that probably wasn't what you bargained for getting into a fic like this so I'm thrilled that you're here and invested and reading. I love you all, thank you for making this such a joy to share!

Taglist: @paleidiot @ayamenimthiriel@ginger-swag-rapunzel @drewharrisonwriter @flugazi @pedropascalsbbg @taoyuji @starstruckmusiciansartghost @splendsay @bigboiseason123 @jpbplvr@ashleyandring @mrsyixingunicorn10 @sloanexx @ninaminaromina @lady-bellyn @hufflepuffriver @sarap-77 @storyarcscribe @mellymbee @jasminedragoon @lemonmeli @reds-ramblings @arizonadaydreamer @mumma-moonchild @blackroseguzzi @candypeaches16 @kittenlittle24 @wrappedinfiction @oatmeaiboy @pedritosdarling @winchestergypsy90 @imnotdatboii @lalalalemonade11 @maknimuk1 @mrsdarcyinlovewithbuckybarnes. @pedrosaidsheispunk @commanderawkward @n7cje @elliesgirlll @tsunamistorm123 @spookyxsam @leeeesahhh

[pseudopigeons]

I came up with maybe not a theory but more of just an observation that the east blue 5 seem to parallel the 5 love languages and it's kinda reframed all of their actions and behaviours towards each other so much for me on my watchthrough. Got brainworms from that one oda interview where he said zoro doesn't like verbally expressing gratitude and prefers to show appreciation through actions and it got me thinking

The 5 languages:

Physical touch - Luffy

Acts of service - Zoro

Quality time - Usopp

Receiving / giving gifts - Nami

Words of affirmation - Sanji

Funnily enough in OPLA we definitely see a lot of physical touch Luffy. He's always playfully punching or hugging crewmates, despite having known the crew for such a short time he's just instantly clingy and physically present around them in east blue.

Zoro is very much an actions person. He's a little emotionally constipated and doesn't verbalise his feelings very much, in fact that seems like the last thing he wants to do, but he will always be looking out for any member of the crew silently, and is almost always the first to spring into action when it's called for. He shows he cares through acts of service and being there for his captain and crew.

Usopps language being quality time is shown pretty well in syrup village with his relationship with Kaya. Kaya is a girl who has everything she could wish for financially, but ussop provides her with a much needed friend, someone to support her and just physically be present and talk to her. He risks so much just to make her smile because being there for his friends is such a crucial and important thing for him.

Nami's love language being giving/recieving gifts means so much to me because it is so often seen as the most shallow of the love languages and I have seen so many poor analysis and digs at Nami's character, reducing her to just being greedy and money hungry. Did they watch Arlong park with their eyes closed??? For Nami, gold or money is a means for her to provide for the people she cares about, to ensure their financial stability and freedom and to keep her crewmates fed and afloat. She spent so long scorned and alone and (believed she was) hated because she created this money hungry persona to save her village and to best Arlong. Every piece of gold she bled to get was meant for that end goal. Nami deserves the financial freedom and gold that being a strawhat pirate could give because for years and years every bit she earned was tucked away for the well-being of others and was then stolen from under her nose. (This paragraph got very long but I'm not sorry I am the captain of the Nami defense squad.)

And finally Sanji reflects words of praise as a love language. I think it's the most clear to see with how Sanji is so quick to praise any female character he comes into contact with, especially Nami, but I think it also reflects his strained relationship with zef while working at the baratie. Zeff is always verbally critical of Sanji as a way to rile him up and to encourage him to leave the restaurant. Zef weaponises what makes Sanji tick to antagonise him and tries to get him to leave that way, but Sanji is far too stubborn and feels too great a debt to leave.

I think east blue definitely shows the 5 dynamics in a pretty clear way and kinda helped me understand what makes the characters tick. Also why some of the characters end up butting heads or getting into arguments. They all show and recieve love in different way, sometimes there are misunderstandings or clashes but at the end of the day they all trust each other with their lives and it's such a strong bond.

Anyways I'll eventually draw some more OP but I'd love to hear any thoughts or other people's ideas if they have any on the matter. Sometimes I get analysis brainworms, and I first shared the idea on discord, but figured why not post it to Tumblr too

ALSO please if anyone has examples from the series that fit the love languages PLEASE share it, makes my heart oougggghhghg.

[aemondsbabe]

I'm so sorry this is quite big 😭 don't feel like you have to read it all.

Thank you so much for answering my ask about what you thought of the episode, I so adore speaking with you about it because you're genuinely sensible about things. <3

I completely agree with you, on everything! I see so many people calling Aemond all sorts of things; misogynistic, power hungry, evil, villain, and so on. But I think that's such a... shallow way of seeing things, isn't it? It upsets me to see it, I feel like they don't consider the bigger picture when saying that about him, don't consider his story or everything else that happened.

I think the look on his face, how he was damn near tears, when Alicent touched him says so much, shows so much of how he's truly feeling in that moment, it's like his mask slips a little; as you said, I feel like a bigger part of his actions come from how hurt he is by her and her own actions towards him, directly and otherwise. How she blames him for the war and still holds affection for Rhaenyra, as we've previously talked of. I agree that he maybe does feel compelled to punish her, and with reason; as you said, to him it looks like abandonment; abandonment from the only person who was ever on his side, damn, of course that would hurt and get him reacting more with his feelings than his mind. But overall I'd still dare say Aemond loves his mother quite a lot, so much about him revolves around her; and as Ewan himself has said, it's something Aemond wants, he's seeking that approval, that love, he wants to make her happy and proud; but ultimately he's going about it the wrong way, yet the only way he knows.

Also yes! His scenes with Aegon definitely feel like brothers bickering, I would never say that he hates his brother, much less that he meant to kill him. I just agree with all you said about it!

And yes, again lol, I also think the way Aemond presents himself to the "public" is not who he is at all. And this is, again, literally something Ewan has said on multiple occasions (I mean, what else do people need to believe it at this point) how Aemond feels this need to put up a ruthless and cold facade to protect himself, to keep himself from appearing weak because if he's all powerful, no one can hurt him - and honestly, I think it makes a lot of sense given what he's gone through and especially given the glimpses we get of the real him during his vulnerable moments (that I too, deeply wish we got more of). Because even if the writing of the show is not perfect, I do think that this is what they, and especially Ewan, are trying to show with Aemond.

I think a lot of people fail to see that, and sometimes they almost make me believe it too :'), so I thank you for reminding me that he's not inherently evil or uncaring.

- Lyra (I feel like some kind of identification is long overdue 💀)

first of all, never apologize for a long ask! i love long asks!! my favorite thing is hearing other people’s takes on things and sharing opinions and building off of what each other has to say so genuinely, i love this shit!

i agree with everything you have to say! honestly most of my opinions of aemond are based on what ewan has to say about him in interviews because (sadly) the show isn’t giving us much to work with. that’s why i try not to hold it against people who are against him (or anyone else for that matter) or who don’t see the dimension that is there — shitty writing will build a shitty audience.

so much of the show and who the characters are lives in subtext and requires people to read between the lines, which, when done well and utilized sparingly can be quite interesting and entertaining! but it almost feels as if there’s too much grey area while being too little at the same time — i feel like my hand is being held in the wrong places, if that makes sense.

also! your ask made me realize that there is suuuuuuuch a parallel going on between aemond and how young!alicent was in season 1 when otto got sent away!!

like at that point in time, alicent had no one at the red keep she felt she could trust fully. her father is gone, rhaenyra has lied to her, and she’s been played like a pawn onto viserys. she’s alone, or at least feels that way. that’s also when we started seeing her lashing out a little, granted in small ways but still — lashing out.

now if we look at aemond, i think he’s in a similar position. he feels he can’t trust his mother anymore because she’s “abandoned” him for rhaenyra and is upset about luke. he was never close with aegon so that’s out the window. helaena is upset with him about aegon. he can’t trust criston because criston is in bed with alicent (idk if aemond knows that but the man isn’t dumb and alicole weren’t exactly subtle) and is loyal to aegon, at the end of the day.

everyone that should conceivably be there for him isn’t — whether that’s actually true or his own insecurity. he can’t even go back to the madame anymore because aegon ruined that. he’s cornered and he’s lashing out.

and it’s such a fantastic parallel between him and his mommy, aw! 😂😅

anyways, thank you lyra!! i so enjoy hearing from you 🩷🩷🩷

[mrsjavierp]

Where you belong?

Chapter 10 - Morally Grey

Javier Peña x latin!f!reader

Summary: Running away from life as you always knew to start a new position as Head Chief on a DEA Office, far away, on Colombia. There, you'll face violence, as you never thought you could. There, you'll meet Javier Peña, your stubborn agent...

Warnings (to the whole fic): +18!, age gap, angst, smut, cheating, last relationships, drug dealing - Narcos Universe, bad spanish, english is my second language, use of Y/N and Y/LN. No physical description of the reader, only clothes (sometimes). The POVs are shifting between reader (first person and Narrator in 3rd person)

(If I forgot anything, tell me, pls!)

Word Count: 5,4k (i don't know wtf happened)

A/N: First, thank you so much for the new followers! Welcome to our community of Horny for Javier Peña lol Babes, I'm still horny for him and if love this man is a crime, arrest me! Let's start the ANGST because I need them to start to suffer a little... It's all going all too well...

Second, I had to repost it 'cause this plataform well... we all know.

Dividers: @saradika-graphics

Tag: @creedslove | @pedrostories | @mjoee13 | @immyowndefender | @iamsherlocked-1998 | @pedroswife69 | @szde8-blog | @just-mj-or-not

Narrator's POV:

It all started when you had a fight with Crosby, since he wanted something he couldn't yet: Escobar's head on a plate, but it would take time. 

Carrillo was no piece of cake either, sometimes hiding things from you, sometimes doing… Questionable things.

You’ve both had a terrible day, worse than others… But always knew where to find comfort: each other. 

He came, fucked you until you saw stars and you shared dinner. 

It became a routine.

Weeks flew by with hidden dates, excellent sex, intimacy. 

This domesticity felt so good for both of you, it was almost like a dream, a distant reality from all.

You felt safe. Javier was radiant.

Actually, you both felt safe, happy, living in a bubble. No matter in which apartment, his or yours, that bubble isolated you from your traumas, your job, the drug war.

Javier was in the clouds, he never thought he could be happy with someone. He never thought you, although younger and fisty, could be so loving towards him… He always envied Steve for his relationship with Connie, but he could see you being that person: his person. His feelings grew by second. Even though you didn't want kids anymore, he could see you being a better stepmom than Lorraine was a mom.

As a wife, Lorraine wasn't exactly terrible, but she was no good either. Their relationship was casual, some booty calls. Sometimes, not even a proper date. Not even friends with benefits. After they got married, he never felt accepted, understood… Not even loved, if Javier was being honest to himself. 

When he decided to get married to Lorraine, he felt like he was going to carry out a sentence - life sentence, and it had nothing to do with Lucas. Lorraine was a shallow person, didn't care for nothing other than herself and what people thought about her. It was always about what would appear, what would people think, what they would say… Her family was no better: her parents had a little money, so they thought they owned Laredo and could own people. Furthermore, they considered themselves “true Americans”, different from Javier and his family.

Javier was known as “Laredo's legs spreader” and Lorraine “tamed him” or “saved him”. 

Her family loved the second one, by the way. 

Javier also tried not to get married. He promised he was going to take care of his kid and Lorraine, but she cried and begged to get married. He felt sorry for her and how was he going to marry someone for being sorry? Her family, on the other hand, threatened him: if he didn't marry Lorraine, he would never see his son. Never.

So he did it.

He wishes he never did.

But now, things are a little different: he had someone he could see himself with, one day. You were everything and a little more than he asked for… You were intelligent, beautiful, funny, you weren't judgemental or selfish. You made him almost forget about his personal war in Laredo, he almost forgot about Lorraine.

Almost.

But he had to tell you the truth, but a shorter version. Or make up one that told you enough without jeopardizing the relationship you were just starting off. It was already so hard to break your initial walls, Javier couldn’t risk anything anymore…

He knew the best way to tell a lie was to tell a few half-truths and break it down easily.

And pray you'd never find out about it the rest…

This night was just another night at his apartment. He lured Steve not to show up by surprise, so you could have some privacy. 

You were telling about the first night you dared to use your vibrator, but forgot to lock the door.

“No way!” - Javier said to you, shocked.

“Well, let’s just say mi mama never barged into my room again, ever.” - you responded, laughing.

It was just so… So serene. 

“Your mama must have been so shocked, what did she do at the time?” 

“Well, she pretended nothing happened and we only talked about a few years later, on a family reunion, we were so drunk. It was a Navidad (Christimas), I guess… Anyway, sex wasn’t exactly a taboo in my family, curiously.”

“How so?” - Javier asked, interested. He bites a piece of his chinese spring roll, waiting for you.

“Well, despite all of the fuzz around ‘sex’, my family conducted things a little differently. My parents always taught me, my sister and my older brother to take accountability for our actions. They never treated us 3 differently because of our gender. So, when we started doing it, we actually had an open conversation about condoms, birth control… This kind of thing. It increased our trust in each other, parents and children. It worked so well for all the 28 years of my life. We are really close and always can count on each other. My older brother is 35 and my younger sister is turning 24 this year… I’m rambling, sorry.” - you savored your beer, shutting yourself down.

“I love to hear about your family, cariño. It seems to be an important part of who you are. Tell me more about your siblings, what do they do? How about your parents?”

“Oh, no, Javi! You first!” - you laughed. - “We’re going on quid pro quo here… Tell me about your family, come on!” - you ask.

“God, you’re a tough cookie!” - he laughed. - “Okay, I’ll give you something… Let me see…” - Javier started to think about what he could actually tell you, with no risks, so he stayed safe: teenage years and college. - “Well, mi mama, as you know, is not alive anymore, but she lived to see me do good things, such as graduate in high school, which, by the way, she was one of the teachers at the school…” - He took a sip from his beer. - “She was an amazing mom and incredible teacher, but Díos Mio, I couldn’t step outside the line or have a girlfriend. Mi papa is a wonderful dad as well. He was the stability to my mom’s… I don’t know how to name it, she was fast, agitated, full of life and dreams. My dad provided the balance to make her dreams turn into reality.”

“Oh, that’s so good. My dad and mom are just like it as well… So, what do you wanna know now?”

“Go on about your parents and your siblings, cariño, please. What do they do?”

“Well, my dad is a public server and my mom is in finance, working at a small company. My sister is in Med School and my brother is an Assistant District Attorney… Wait, we’re at your apartment and I haven’t seen any photos… Do you have any?”

“Cariño…” - He started and you knew he had, from just hearing that tone, but probably were hidden. - “Why bother to see?”

Javier was worried to show since there were some of Lucas’ pictures among them. 

None of Lorraine, of course… He burned them all and only kept letters that talked about Lucas, in one separated box.

“Come on! Por favor, Javi…” (Please, Javi…)

“Oh no, cariño, we’re going on quid pro quo here…” - he smiled. - “You set the rules yourself.”

“Fuck, Peña. Sometimes I underestimate you… Okay, fine. What do you want?”

And then he smiled… A fucking naughty smile, like he had he upper hand.

“I’ll show you my family album… But you gotta do something first for me.” - he said.

“Oh, fuck, you wanna fuck me in the ass, don’t you?” - you joked.

However, his expression demonstrated shock, he even let out a nervous laugh.

Javier didn’t deny it, though.

“Cariño, I…” - The Adam's apple on his throat was throbbing, as he gulped and struggled to find words. - “I do, but to be honest, that wasn’t part of the request… It could be, though.”

“Oh…” - you responded, surprised. - “Please, amuse me!” - your tone was curious.

“I’d like you to wear a blindfold and maybe wear a tie or a handcuff. You can use words to express your limits and we can agree before we get started on what I can or cannot do. We can use your toys, if you’d like…”

You were astonished by Javier’s boldness.

And, of course, aroused by the possibilities that would come by if you decided to take the risk of surrendering to Javier Peña.

Javier Peña, the guy you elected as the sluttiest and most depraved man alive.

Javier Peña, the man who you loved to roll in bed with, since he never was ashamed of his urges or desires with you - and never shamed you nor called you a “slut” for loving sex or masturbating.

In fact, Javier loved that you touched yourself - it wasn’t that common in his or your past relationships or experiences in different ways.

He frequently used it in his favor, by the way.

“We could use safe words, like ‘yellow’ if you’re almost at your limit and ‘red’ if you want me to stop.” - he continued. - “You could tell me if you’d like me to use some or any of your toys…”

“Oh, you want to use tools, Javi?” - you teased him.

He smiled at you, the same sly smile.

“Oh, you can tell me which one I can use, but it won’t mean I’ll actually use… So, what do you think? Any more you’d like to add?”

“Well, I liked the idea of using safe words, seems wise, since I won’t be able to see or maybe move. About my toys… You can use the wand, I know you love it almost as much as me. I’ll throw you a bone and let you use my plug, but putting it inside of me… I know I never let you do it. But be reasonable, Peña.”

“So, you’re picking it up now or we’re going to your place across the hallway?” - he provoked you.

“Oh, I’m picking it up… I’m guaranteeing you’re gonna do your part of the deal, Peña.”

You got up and went to your apartment as fast as you could.

You were naked and blindfolded.

Your hands were tied behind you, firmly but not hurtful.

You were on your knees, on top of Javier’s bed, your legs were slightly open, so Javier’s head could accommodate between them.

His head, by the way, was, indeed, between your legs, torturing you by kissing and licking your pussy. 

You were hesitant in sitting on his face, you didn't want to suffocate Javier.

You could feel his mustache tingling you, sending shivers down your spine, his hands grabbing you ass, opening you, leaving his fingertips all over it, teasing you open, his tongue avoiding your clitoris, fucking you.

And, since you couldn’t see anything, it felt even more intense.

He made you come so good your legs couldn’t hold and you fell on the bed, next to him. 

Javier then started the next thing he planned:

“Cariño, lay with your ass up and your beautiful face down.” - You obeyed, while he got up. You only felt his height leaving the mattress. - “Good girl… Now, relax.” 

One of Javier’s hands opened you and the other caressed your holes, admiring how beautiful you look like that, at his mercy.

“Díos Mio, cariño… Tell me how you can look so goddamn beautiful?”

You moan at his praise.

He wasted no time and began to prepare your ass with some lube, playing on its entrance. Then, you felt something cold and metallic starting to enter you and made you jump.

“Relax, cariño, it’s just your plug.” - you tried to relax, taking long and deep breaths as Javier put it on you, slowly, letting you get used to it. - “You’re doing really well, babygirl. I’m almost done…” - until you felt it inside you, completely. 

“Fuck, Javier…” - You gasped, while clenching around it and, your pussy, throbbing. 

His hands continued to spread you open, deciding on what to do next.

Your mind was racing, not being able to think clearly, only feeling every cell on your skin burn.

Burning under Javier’s touch.

Javier slowly entered your pussy, savoring how your walls were even more tight than usual. He held your hips in place, to avoid any tentative escape, even if it was unconscious.

Javier fucked you slowly, at first, letting you get used to his length, as usual, and preventing him of come early than he wanted.

Javier mumbled both in English and Spanish a bunch of dirty words, while you moan his name, which time, louder.

You could feel how his body was just as sweet as yours, just as hot. His hands seemed to be everywhere.

“Ja-javi, oh fuck, I'm so close.” - you plea, needy.

“Let it go, cariño, let me feel you squeezing me…” - He allowed you.

You came so hard on him.

And, of course, Javier couldn’t hold back any longer and came inside you just after. Catching his breath, he pulled his dick out, untied you and held you against him, while you both laid there.

You were astonished by how good of a lover Javier was to you. 

He took off your blindfold and held your face between his hands, looking deeply in your eyes. His look was so intense, you felt it in your gut, making your folds pulsating and your plug almost vibrate.

“Javi, you're making me blush…” - you confided.

He smiled. 

“You're so gorgeous, I can't believe we're here.”

Minutes later, after a shower you and Javier put back the bare minimum of clothes to walk round Javier’s apartment and you both sit down on his living room floor, next to a bookcase, with a file box and lots of pictures of him, his parents, his parents’ ranch… 

“So, this is you on top of a cow? Why?” - you laughed. - “That's so cute: Javier Peña, a farm boy!”

He rolled his eyes. 

“Come on, stop messing with me! Here's another one: mama y papa at their wedding.” - he showed another picture. He was a perfect mix of his dad and mom.

“Hey, you never told me you have a brother, Javi…” - you said, picking up a photo of Lucas, his son.

Javier tensed up, nervous.

“Cariño, there's something you should know…” - he started, in an incriminating tone, as if has hiding something, but got caught. 

You swallow hard.

“I have a son, back in the US.”

“Peña… What the fuck? Why did you keep it from me?” - you're started to lose your mind.

Javier took a deep breath and began to confide me:

“When we decided to get to know each other better, I didn't think at the time that we would be this close, this fast. You told me I could get a little bit comfortable before opening up, and I intended to tell you in a moment we talked about family, my family, like today. I'm sorry it took a while, but now you know…”

“Okay, that's on me. Fair enough.” - you responded in a cold way. He played by the rules, he didn't lie… However, you couldn't help but feel a little… Deceived. - “Tell me about him, what's his name? Who's he with?”

“His name is Lucas, he's three and loves cowboys and wants to be one like his abuelo Chucho, my dad.” - he contemplated. - “He's with his mother, back in Laredo.”

You nodded, absorbing all the information. 

You were nervous and feeling something else, you just couldn't name it yet. Your gut was telling you something was off, but you only thought you were anxious. 

Nonetheless, it wasn't bad Javier already had a toddler, took the pressure off of you, at least… 

“Lucas is such a beautiful boy, Javi…” - your fingers passed through his eyes, nose, cheeks on the paper. It wasn't familiar to you, but Lucas could look like his mother's family a bit more than Javi's, you supposed.

“I'm sorry I waited so long.” - he stated. - “But yeah, he is. Hope to see him sometime soon.”

“You know you can get a legal absence, right? Steve already took it.”

“I know, cariño. I'll do it soon.”

“Well, I should get going… Gotta get early at the office tomorrow.”

“Cariño, we've been sleeping together and getting there on time everyday…” - he questioned. - “Your place is just across the hall, there's no need for it…”

You changed your outfit back to your dress you wore hours later and picked up your purse and bag.

“I'm serious, I've got an important meeting earlier than usual, don't worry. Good night, Peña.” - you pecked his lips and left his place.

Javier couldn't believe what just had happened. 

He put the photos back where they belonged, leaving just the one with Lucas out.

He sat down on his sofa, that now smelled like your perfume, lit up his cigarette, mumbling possibilities on what to do.

“Hey, Peña, Y/LN wants to see you at her office.” - Steve said, as he arrived at his table. - “Did you fucked something up? ‘Cause she doesn't look happy…”

Javier sighted. 

“I sure did…” - Javier whispered to himself and Steve pretended not to hear. He went to your office, worried. He didn't know what to expect.

“Steve said you called me, jefe.”

“I did, Peña. Lock the door and close the blinds, please.” - and as he did, you got up and sat on your desk, facing him.

You offer him your hand, to pull him closer, with a sweet smile on your face. 

Javier crosses his arms more firmly and looks away from you, avoiding your eye contact and touching your hand. 

His whole body aches for yours, as always, but he held back the urge. 

He's afraid you might break up with him. 

“Y/N, why am I here?” - he asks, a bit rude.

You got up and held his face in your hands, looking at him like he did to you last night.

“Don't play hard balls to me, Javi… It’s okay.” - your tone is sweet and loving towards him and he relaxes.

“Cariño, I missed sleeping next to you yesterday.” - he smiled, but it soon faded, as he saw an expensive and gorgeous set of orchids on your desk. - “Who sent these to you?" - he questioned, focusing solely on the flowers now.

You look at him, confused.

“What do you mean? It wasn't you?”

Javier shook his head without looking up from the flowers. The sight of them made him uncomfortable and he couldn't help feeling annoyed at the mystery that's been presented in front of him. He crossed his arms and glanced back at them, then back at you.

"I didn't send them…” - he murmured. 

“Since the card wasn't signed, I thought it could only be you… Look.” - And you show him the card.

“I've missed you, can't wait to see you in my hands again”

Javier’s eyes shift down to the card as he studies it, looking for some kind of clue about who the sender could be. He sighed quietly and ran his fingers over the edge of the card before looking back at you.

He crossed his arms more firmly, still looking annoyed. 

“So you don’t know who sent it?” - his tone seemed accusatory. 

"Javier, we’ve been seeing each other for the last 2 months, who else would do it?"

Javier’s eyes narrowed as he took a deep breath and tried to keep calm. 

He knows you’re right, but that doesn’t stop the jealousy that started to pass through his veins.

“You don’t have any other guys that might have sent them?” - he inquired again, impatiently. 

"You know I haven't seen anyone besides you, Peña.” - You seemed firm to him in your declaration. 

Javier’s face stiffened at the mention of your ex as he rubbed his fingers through his hair, nervous. He knows about the whole story, but not by you, you haven’t told him… 

Yet.

You only told him that time, when you were drunk.

Javier didn’t care about your ex or any other guy.

You were his.

“Right…” - he mutters, trying to avoid showing too much emotion. 

“Are you jealous, baby?” - provoked him with a playful tone.

Javier raised an eyebrow at you as his silence lingered. He let out a deep breath through his nose, trying to hide his annoyance as he thought about everything that’s happened between you both in the past few months. 

The jealousy he’s feeling eats at him from the inside out, but he tries to ignore it. 

“Jealous? No…” - he said, scoffing a little. “More like annoyed.”

"Why?" - You look at him, still confused.

Javier sighed, crossing his arms tightly as the frustration grows in his voice:

“Why does anyone have flowers sent to them?” - he prompts you. - “Because they’re interested. Because they like you.” - His lips curl into a sarcastic smile. - "Am I supposed to be thrilled about it?"

You rolled your eyes, angry. 

"I didn't say you should be thrilled! It's not my fault a random person sent me flowers!"

“A random person?” - Javier mocked, his eyes narrowing even more as he studies your face. He can’t help feeling more irritated as he realizes that you legitimately have no idea who sent them. - "Then who do you think sent them? Did they magically appear out of thin air?"

“I'm not liking your tone, Javier…” - you alerted him.

Javier’s expression stiffened, his eyes met yours, anger sparking in their depths as he stared at you. 

"Then maybe you should tell me who sent them. You run this fucking office, you can manipulate a president and an ambassador into do whatever you want, ain’t hard, is it?" - he continued to mock you. 

You can see the cop in him, interrogating a suspect, playing with words, cenarios, asking the same things in different ways…

But you’re not one.

“Javier, I’m gonna pretend you didn’t call me a manipulative bitch and just answer that I already told you I don't fucking know!” - you shouted at him, in a harsh tone.

Javier’s face tightened with rage at your voice. His temper had reached its tipping point and he was barely holding it together anymore. He narrowed his eyes at you and the tension in the air heats up, the smell of the flowers only making the situation worse. 

"Give me a fucking name!" - he yelled.

“Javier, I’m really fucking tired of your accusation. Since I was wrong to assume the man I’m dating sent me these gorgeous flowers, which, by the way, orchids are, indeed, my favorite, thanks for asking, I’m gonna find out who did it.” - You pick up the phone, call the flower shop on the card and put on the speaker.

The clerk picked up and greeted you as she waited for you to give your name. 

Javier crosses his arms tightly as he waits for the conversation to unfold, his eyes never leaving your face.

You asked the clerk about who sent the delivery to your address and she checked the order for you, looking up the information about the delivery: she pulled up the details and spoke softly into the phone:

“It says here that a man had sent the delivery for you… No name, though.”

“Miss, he paid with cash or card?”

The clerk paused for a moment to check the bank information attached to the order. She speaks back into the phone. 

“It seems like he paid using a card for this delivery.”

“Miss, I’m an American police officer here in Colombia, I need the info ASAP.”

The clerk seemed panicked by the request provided the details of the card used and you wrote it down and thanked the clerk.

She hung up the call and you were left with the details of the unknown man who sent the flowers. 

You took a deep breath, feeling the tension spreading through your body, as you started to focus on the important parts of the transaction. Your mind wandered back to the man who sent them to you, trying to recall all the men that you’ve investigated recently, and coming up blank.

You put the info on your computer and a name popped out:

Benedict John Smith.

It’s fucking Ben, your ex. 

The fucking orchids were sent from your Ben, but why?

Your chest hurt as you watched the information flash on the screen in front of you. It’s the final piece of the puzzle that confirms your fears. 

“Oh, that probably means he’s out… Oh no, no, no!” - you thought, but tried not to show it to Javier.

Your emotions were all over the place as the thought of him fills your head, and the thought of seeing his name on your computer sends a wave of fear crashing through you.

“So?” - Javier questioned you, pulling you back to the present.

“Mi cielo, ahora sabemos…” (My heaven, now we know…) - you said to him with no emotion in your voice, but Javier didn’t understand at first, so you spin the screen around to face it to Javier, showing him the data that confirms the bouquet was sent by your ex-fiance. His reaction is exactly what you hoped for: he looks angry as he stares at the information on the monitor. 

While he read the info, you throw the orchids in the trash.

Javier sighs deeply, his gaze shifting back to your face. His expression is full of annoyance and irritation as he stares at you, waiting for you to say something.

He stared at the trash can and rolled his eyes, his mood improving slightly: you had a point.

He turned his gaze back towards you, his eyes lingering on you for a moment before he raises an eyebrow. 

“Happy now?”  - you ask fast, in a tone that could kill a man.

"Does that look like I'm happy? That idiot almost ruined my whole day with those fucking flowers!" - he yelped.

“Oh, he almost ruined your day?” - your tone is ironic and rude. - "I'm furious with you too, Javier! You accused me!"

Javier's eyes widened at your response and he took a deep breath, trying to keep his cool. He felt like a jackass – he didn't realize his accusing tone would hit you this hard. He thought he was just being logical.

"Yeah, I know. I'm not proud of it." - He leaned forward a little, his hands balling into fists. -  "I just..."

“You just what?”

Javier sighed quietly as his body tenses. 

"I don’t know… I…"

“You what, Peña?!”

"Cariño…" - His voice seemed calm but a deep something is bubbling under the surface of it. He didn't know how else to describe his feelings.

“Peña, I'm not the one who slept around with half of Medellín!” - you were pushing him to a place you shouldn’t. Your words rang through his ears, sending a jolt of anger straight to his brain. He clenches his jaw and clenches his fist at his side. 

"I don't need you to remind me." - he snarled.  - "I already know how much of a jackass I used to be."

“Used to be? Well, I guess you still are... Old habits die hard, don’t they, Peña?” 

Javier’s expression hardened even more and his grip on his fist tightened. He tries to stay calm but your words hit him like a punch to the gut. He stared at you and grit his teeth, his hate seething internally as he tried to calm himself down. 

“I’m not that person anymore.” - He growls, his voice barely audible.

“Let's hope, for my sake, you really aren't.” - your voice was full of fear and something not you or Javier knew what was. Your comment sparked an immediate reaction from Javier.

In a bold move, Javier leans closer to you, holding your face in his hands, nose-to-nose. 

“You don’t need to worry about me. I’m a different person now.” - his voice is a warm and urgent whisper. - “I’m not gonna hurt you, cariño.”

You closed your eyes and smelled his perfume, relaxing a little. You can practically feel the heat coming off of his body as he leaned into you, his cologne making your eyes feel heavy. You realized how close he is and the feeling sets your skin on fire.

His breath against your neck makes it hard to concentrate on anything but the smell of his scent and how tense the air between you two are. 

Javier leans even closer until his lips are brushing against your neck….

“Javi, what are you doing?” - I murmured, melting under him.

His lips lingered on your neck for a moment, before he pulled back just slightly and whimpered back.

"What does it look like I'm trying to do?" - His voice is deep and rough, the heat from his breath sending chills down your spine.

“Distracting me from my anger…” - your voice barely goes out your throat.

The warmth of his breath sends goosebumps all over your body and it's nearly impossible to think straight. The way he's looking at you drives you crazy and you feel your heart beating even faster than before. 

He leans in just a little bit more, his lips just barely touching your neck. 

"Is it working?" - He kept his voice low and sexy.

“Yeah…”

The sexual tension only grew as your bodies remained close together, the smell of his scent getting stronger and your heart beating a mile a minute. He got even closer again, his lips grazing the skin of your neck. It makes you shudder and all of that anger and tension begins to subside, slowly giving way to something else that was far more pleasurable.

“Javi... Stop teasing me…”

Javier pulls back just slightly, meeting your eyes. You saw the desire in his eyes as he stared at you.

"Why would I stop?" - he asks softly, his lips curling into a smug smile.

“Because I need you, Javi…” - You purr.

"Need me? You sure about that?" - His smile widened as he closed the gap between you two again. His lips were just inches from yours as the heat between you grew hotter and hotter. His lips land right on the corner of yours, just a quick tease before they part again. 

“Oh, Javi... Don't be mean…”

Javier’s expression turned into falsely apologetic: he wanted to tease you. He took a deep breath and leaned forward slightly before pausing in front of your lips. 

“I just need to know, if I kiss you right now, will that make you stop being mad?” - he teased again.

“Why don't you give it a shot?” - you provoked him.

Javier leaned in and finally brushed his lips against yours, his lips are firm but soft as he wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you close to him. His kiss is passionate and gentle, his touch warm and comforting. Your bodies moved together, your arms wrapping around each other and your lips pressed against each other for a long time. 

The kiss intensified as you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him closer. Your passion is uncontrollable and the feeling of his touch made you shiver. 

You feel as though you could lose yourself if he never let you go. 

Your fingers explored every inch of his body just like him explored yours, Javier cursed the minute you decided to wear pants that morning.

It isn’t long before your bodies are tangled in each other and the heat between you is so hot it could almost be considered unbearable.

Javi hugged you tight, and whispered: “Don’t worry, cariño. I’m gonna protect you from him.” - he promised. 

You slightly push Javi, to look at him.

“Peña, I can take care of myself and I know what Ben is capable of… But are you?”

“Of course I a-am,yo-you told me he was a cheating bastard when you were drunk a-and…” - he responded, but his tone was a bit shaky. - “He-he wants you back!”

“Peña, what are you hiding from me?” - you ask, pissed off, taking a step back now. - “Don’t play the jealousy card anymore! You also saw as a threat!”

“Cariño, por favor…”

“Don’t ‘cariño’ me, Peña! Tell me the truth!” - you screamed. - “You’re not gonna spanish your way out!”

Javier closed his eyes, frowning his forehead. 

“I talked to an old pal in NYC about your ex. I know you arrested him for…”

You didn’t want to hear the rest. You stormed out of your office to the archive file, to hide, as you did in the old days in NYC.

Ben was out and knew where you were. You and your family were in danger.

Javier knew about your ex, his cheating and his crimes.

You needed to talk to Javier too.

He wasn’t the only one hiding things.

“What a fucking hypocrate.” - you mocked yourself.

Next

[thefudge]

I don't know if it's just me but if ship isn't problematic/toxic I find it boring

hah! that's a slippery slope! but i feel you. i think a larger observation we could make here is that really compelling dynamics that are real and human will always have problematic aspects. not that all couples have abusive dynamics or whatever, but rather that we as people are extremely fallible and we are even more so when we are in love and sharing ourselves with others. like, we are at our most noble and wretched with someone we love. so maybe what we find boring is being presented with relationships that gloss over these aspects. a well-written ship, no matter how "wholesome", will always have that interesting edge, imo.

that being said! i do wonder if ao3 + tiktok (but mostly tiktok and maybe wattpad) have served ppl a recipe of shallow "spiciness" where younger folks, especially, navigate towards seemingly "darker" ships just for the toxicity, instead of toxicity + substance. then again, this would've been people's complaints about the gothic genre back in the 19th century. "oh no, ppl will read too many penny dreadfuls and start murdering their neighbors in the street" etc. so it can become a silly moral panic, especially with regards to what women are reading. we all know how that goes.

buuuut i think there is cause for *some* concern about people's general tastes, not in terms of morality, but in terms of what they're consuming for themselves and their well-being. cuz i know what you mean and i have seen a shift in my own tastes over the years. like yes, we deserve to have fun with that trashy book, but i don't want us to only read easy things that will scratch a certain itch. because a lot of mainstream toxic/problematic stuff is written in a flat, trivial way and i want us to search for and be willing to read things that really challenge us. not just booktok's "dark romance" of the week (which is usually quite boring actually). i'm in a position where i do read a lot of different things constantly due to my job and my interests, but i have noticed a lack of patience in myself lately when it comes to certain stories and it gave me pause. btw, i'm not referring to you or your reading habits in particular, just thinking some general thoughts. ultimately, it's totally fine and we can enjoy as much problematic content as we want, as long as we don't forget the human element, as long as we don't settle just for the surface of things. because that's when we cheapen it, i think. idk, but i do think we have a responsibility to ourselves to always seek beautiful things (and by that i mean quality literature and quality trash lol). yes, we turn our brains off from time to time, we absolutely need to, but we need to come back to the things that make us think and feel to the utmost.

anyway, sorry for this very weird rant, this has been on my mind too!

[gayuu-the-necromancer]

｡⋆｡˚🦋˚｡⋆｡

Jude: "............"

Business partner: "I-I'm surprised that you took the trouble to come all the way here! We have only first-class products, so feel free to inspect them...!"

Jude: "You have lots that aren't shown here. Where are the rest?"

Business partner: "....Excuse me!?"

Jude: "What? Are you deaf? I said show me everything that isn't here."

Business partner: "Ah! T-That's..Umm..they're in the warehouse, far away from here. It will take time to get everything right now. Haha"

Ellis: "I knew this might happen, so I brought everything beforehand. Please check, these belong to you, right?"

Business partner: "W-W-What!?! When did you...!?!?"

Jude: "....The quality of these ones doesn't look the same compared to the ones you send to the head office."

Jude: "These ones look different."

Ellis: "You can tell? They all look the same to me."

Jude: "Shut your mouth if your eyes are rotting."

Ellis: "Yesss."

Jude: "So, care to explain this to me?"

Business partner: "Um..Ah..W-Well..it was a mistake..."

Jude: "No. You were trying to hide the inferior products and sell them at the high quality price, but you got caught."

Business partner: "......Ngh."

Jude: "Well, I'll let you off the hook this time."

Jude: "It's our fault that we made you believe that we're first timers and you guys could fool us with your shallow wits, right?"

Business partner: "Ha...Eh..?"

Jude: "Now you know, you can't fool me easily, right?"

Jude: "So if you try anything stupid like this again, I'll sink your whole ship, okay?"

Business partner: "Y-Yes...!! I understand. I'm sorry! Also...thank you very much."

............

Alphonse: *gasps* "Did you see that, Lord El? That evil look on his face. That's a scary blackmail, right? right?"

Elbert: "It's not nice to scam people.....we must also see this from Jude's perspective too."

Alphonse: "Yes yes. Thank you for your textbook answer."

Alphonse: "But that doesn't make the report interesting. Let's make some amendments."

Alphonse: "They were seen torturing and humiliating innocent civilians and Mr. Jude smiled at them cruelly...."

Elbert: "Al, lying is bad."

............

Ellis: "Ah....then."

Business partner: "Ah!?"

Ellis: "There have been some disturbing people going in and out the warehouse we rented these days...do you know anything about that?"

Business partner: "....!"

Ellis: "Ah, it's okay if you don't know. I just want to make sure you're not breaching the contract."

The counterparty, blue-faced and trembling, turns his gaze for a moment in horror towards the warehouse district.

He immediately returned his gaze to the front and shook his head sideways like a broken toy.

Ellis: "..............."

Jude: "....Whatever."

Jude: "You know what happens if you breach the contract anyways."

Ellis: "There's a trading company that buys these defective lots at a low price for shoddy goods, so you can take them there."

Ellis: "Here's the contact details of the representative. Good luck."

..............

Alphonse: "....Mr. Ellis, is taking care of the person who they themselves threated by helping them dispose their inventory..."

Alphonse: "He's so good....not worthy of being a Crown member to conquer evil with evil."

Alphonse: "We have to exaggerate this point as much as possible El......El?"

When Alphonse turned around, Elbert was...

Young woman: "Umm....I love you! Please tell me your name...Please...!!"

Sexy woman: "I'm rich and powerful in my home country. How about throwing away your mundane troublesome life here and let me keep you....what do you say?"

Painter with suspicious eyes: "You're a miracle of god...please come to my atelier, please...?"

Elbert was surrounded by passengers disembarking from a luxury cruise ship that had just arrived.

Elbert: "I...got some business over there-----"

Elbert was pushed further and further away by the waves of people approaching him one after another.

Alphonse: *sighs* "Looks like ducks eating breadcrumbs...."

Alphonse: "Let's cut the matter short and get on with it?"

Alphonse: "I hope they didn't notice us following them."

...........

Jude: ".....Ellis, you saw it too right?"

Ellis: "Yeah....what should we do? Do we catch them?"

Jude: "Nah."

Jude: ".......If you're going to do it, do it in one go."

............

Liam: "I wonder how El and Al are doing?"

William: "Let's wait for them patiently, first."

Liam: "Ah! They are here! ....Welcome home!!"

Alphonse: "............"

William: "You look gloomy. Did something happen?"

Liam: "Maybe they are spies after all...huh?"

Alphonse: "I have to reveal this terrible truth to you all."

Elbert: "...................Really?"

Alphonse: "Those two......have only been working all this time!!"

Liam: "Eeehhh!!? They are working!!??"

Elbert: "I don't think it's that shocking of a fact..."

Harrison: *sighs*"....What's going on?"

Alphonse: "They have been working so hard that I have nothing special to report. Isn't that insane?"

Elbert: "Jude is feared by people but Ellis is liked by people."

William: "So, do you think they are trustworthy?"

Elbert: "I don't know....yet."

Alphonse: "To be honest, I don't care."

Harrison: "......This didn't produce any results at all."

Liam: "Hahaha, the road ahead looks tough."

William: "Now that I think....I remembered something."

Harrison: ".....?"

William: "Roger must have known those two before they joined the Crown."

Harrison: "Huh!?"

William: "I think his story will help in determining whether they can be trusted or not."

Harrison: *sighs* "......It's lie when you said you just now remembered about asking Roger, isn't it?"

William: "Who can say?"

...........

Roger: "Yeah, so what do you want?"

Harrison: "Can you tell me anything you knew about Jude and Ellis before you came here?"

[charred-angel-ribs]

I'm nearing the end of my third (3rd) full watch through of Hannibal, and I love the show so dearly. I love going on about the writing and symbolism and the acting and every little bit that makes it so good as a show.

But I feel like it's only fair to talk about the flaws as well, so, I gotta say it: I don't like Molly's character.

I think she could have been a good character, but for some reason she just doesn't feel well written. Her character feels very shallow (not like a shallow personality, but shallow as in not developed). Like a filler character for the sake of pushing a narrative, rather than an actual person involved in the story.

We don't really get to know much about Molly, but from what we do see of her, she comes across as an NPC almost. As if she's saying what she does just for the sake of it.

She gets Will to go back to working with Jack, which implies she either is completely unaware of how bad things were and what happened, or that she knows but doesn't care/understand properly. Now, either of these are viable options for a character, but the way it's done just seems to lack any sort of reasoning or feeling.

When she talks about it, both with Jack and Will, her dialogue feels like it's written just for the sake of pushing a narrative. It doesn't feel like there's any sort of drive or emotion behind what she's saying. She objects a little with "You're gonna take him either way" to Jack, but the way it's done just sounds like she's saying it for the sake of "Oh but I didn't want him to, I tried to convince Jack otherwise".

It doesn't feel reasonable for her character. From what we see, Molly and Will seem to have a healthy relationship, and they do seem to actually care about eachother (though even that isn't written very well), so it doesn't make sense that she wouldn't care - in fact, I would argue she would care a lot. But she doesn't seem to?

Not just with Will going back, but about the consequences too. After Molly and Walter's incident with Dolarhyde, it shows Molly in a hospital bed talking to Will. She barely seems phased by it. The most emotion we see her express over the matter is "My son almost died. I almost died." said very calmly, then proceeded by a sigh and "Man, I got mad there for a second."

Like, I'm sorry? What do you mean "I got mad there a second"? She should be way more shaken up by that. Like she just said, she and her son not only almost died, but were almost killed. By the guy Will's after, because the man who manipulated him for so long decided to sick him on Will's family as a way of further manipulating him now that he's back.

Yes, she does call Hannibal out with "I knew it was him," but that's it. She deserves to get angry, she should get angry. Or scared, or annoyed, or upset, something. The fact that she's so calm about it all makes it feel very superficial, like they just had her there to push things along and that's it.

And alongside Molly's character's poor writing, Will's line of "I'm just about tired of you crazy sons of bitches." feels wildly out of character, not only for Will but for the whole show. Will is not, at any point in the show (to my memory and knowledge), known to make any sort of ableist remarks or use any sort of ableist language - in fact, I don't think anyone does. The closest it gets is when Chilton uses outdated terms to refer to Gideon (if I remember correctly).

The whole show is very respectful (in my opinion) of neurodivergent and mentally ill people, especially considering it's a large part of its horror aspect. I view Hannibal as proof that you can have media whose horror aspect is neurodivergence/mentall illness, without it being ableist. In fact, at the beginning of the show, we see Will talking to Jack about how he doesn't like that Jack made a museum about serial killers and named it the "Evil Minds Museum". A lot of mental illnesses are villainised and considered "evil", and Will was outwardly objecting to that.

So for Will to just walk into Hannibal's room and say that feels like a curveball and a half. It doesn't feel natural. Will has never been known to say things like that, and whenever he and Hannibal communicate, it's never that aggressively blunt; there's always some layer of poeticism and subtext to carry the words forward. But even so, Will doesn't really talk like that with anybody??

I don't know, maybe I'm just missing something, or misinterpreting something. This is just how it came across for me. I'd love to hear someone else's thoughts on this. /lh /gen