#sorry but like. having seen jb play guitar. i feel like she knows what she's doing

[90stvqueen]

(ID: the members of boygenius sitting on a white couch. Left to right: Phoebe Bridgers, Julien Baker, Lucy Dacus.)

[nurse-x-ramblings]

Review: John Lloyd Young, Cafè Carlyle

I like the idea of approaching each performance with fresh eyes, the wonder of experiencing the musical collaboration as though it’s the first one I’ve seen. It’s a sort of great paradox, because while listening to the songs that are so wonderfully familiar, at times I catch myself floored by how significantly JLY has the capacity to add artistic nuance, a kind of subtlety that brings a new appreciation to the song as though you’re hearing it for the first time. There’s nothing quite like experiencing it with a friend who’s there for the first time, and there’s also something pretty fantastic about sharing it with old friends.

Last things first: I have a confession, I arrived a little early opening night, inadvertently overheard the sound check from out in the lobby, and listened as they ran “To make You Feel My Love” - JLY had previously posted a rough cut edition on his tumblr blog, a version so beautiful and heartfelt beyond any other version, but you know, hearing him perform this live essentially rendered me speechless. If I’m honest this is truly my favorite, (I have a lot of favorites) but this is the sort of song that sticks with you - it’s still playing in the back of my mind as I’m writing this.

JLY opened with “Stardust” and the audience LOVED the drum roll, and dramatic pause that ignited the song. This song is divine, and a spectacular way to begin this great set.

(Memory of the exact song order may be a bit skewed) JLY introduced the awesome group of musicians, Tommy Faragher, (Musical Director), John Putnam on guitar, Paul Socolow on bass and Sam Merrick “on skins.”

“Alright, let’s open up a vein,” and launched into “Hurt.” Lyrics and vocals just damn near shoot through the heart. More favorites to follow, Say No More, Ooh Baby Baby, Show and Tell, Unchained Melody, Ebb Tide and My Prayer. Oh. my. God. That’s all. (Except, RANGE!! Oh my god).

He spoke of how the set came about by various performances at Clint Eastwood’s private club, The White House (the “president’s private club” - haha!) and shared the story of his encounter with a teenage artist who had won an award for his poetry that resolved conflict with his father - (I think this is one of the most remarkable things of the Turnaround Arts program), and the discoveries he’d made/shared with the young artist - but what was so interesting was what he said about tweeting in his world - how 140 words doesn’t capture the essence of a valuable moment in life, or the fact that just because he doesn’t tweet about it doesn’t detract from the worthwhile things.

Sherry!!!

I love the idea that JLY purposefully included this song for fans who had never seen him perform in the stage musical of JB - he also sang Can’t Take My Eyes Off You - and you know, simply put, (no bias as I’m very appreciative of anyone who can sing these songs) - there just isn’t anyone who has his extraordinary range when he performs Sherry & Can’t Take My Eyes Off You. It’s possible I love Sherry more as a solo than the quartet. Ok, more than possible. Not sorry.

The first time I heard JLY sing in another language, it was back in 2013, in Spanish, and I recall not fully understanding all the lyrics - but I understood the beauty of the melody. It was the same sort of feeling with the interpretation of the Mandarin song “Ming Ri Tian Ya” (if tomorrow comes) and it’s a feeling of quiet appreciation of the considerable amount of work and precision that must have gone into learning/performing this song, I may not understand the lyrics, but I was transported to a place faraway that comprised agony, heartache and despair. The arrangement and delivery of this song goes beyond.

Just One Smile

Another confession. This is a favorite, but predominantly for a friend, and each time the melody begins, my heart skips, because I know she is about to be reduced to a puddle of tears - The next night, when he sang this, I fell in my own puddle of tears, (but really who doesn’t - this song evokes emotion beyond articulation).

New music, collaborative efforts by Adam Zelkind, Tommy Faragher and JLY. Alone Together, Almost There, and Slow Dawn Calling - holy wow - the raw energy is so palpable when they perform these songs, it leaves you yearning for a CD to recapture it all; what they perhaps experienced when they created it, and each time they perform it. Music truly transcends.

Maybe I’m Amazed

Ok, so how is it possible to have so many favorites? What’s so amazing, is artists have such a limited amount of time on stage, and what they choose to perform speaks volumes - JLY dedicates this to the unrelenting support he has from his fans, and I think it touched every soul there. We don’t support him with the expectation of gratitude or reciprocity - we support him because we simply want to. We support his music, because he has the capacity to capture the lyric of an old standard - and leave a prominently unique mark of his own; we support him because his song writing and collaborative works are dynamite, and we’re excited for where it’s all heading. We support him because his growth as an artist over the years is something to be inspired by. We support him because of the way he inspires others. And when he sings this song, you don’t expect it, but he supports us for supporting him.

Congrats to John Lloyd Young, production/creative teams on this awe inspiring collaboration at the Carlyle. Simply the best.

{artwork in photo: murals at the Carlyle by Marcel Vertès}

[sweetimagines]

A Night To Remember - Part 2

Part 1 | Part 2

Pairing: Archie Andrews x Jellybean Jones 

Description: AU where JB is only a year younger than Jughead. Archie screwed things up with her, will he redeem himself? 

Warnings: None that I can think of.

Word Count: 1579

A/N: @nylalushlifexx asked for part 2, sorry it took so long, hope you like it! Had to use a random gif because my internet has not been cooperating with me. @ju-gg thanks for the inspiration on how to write texts <3 (this time is a tweet, but I think it still counts). I’m leaving the ending loose, so if you guys want I can write another part!

Archie’s expressions are all over the place, from confusion to disbelief, joy and acceptance but also regret and guilt. “You can’t tell JB.”, he requests his friend. “She’s my SISTER, Arch.” Jughead doesn't think he can keep anything from her either way. “That would hurt her, is that really what you want to do?” The ginger boy can’t bear the thought of hurting that sweet girl. Jug pounders for a second. “Fine. But as long as you keep away from her.” Jughead doesn't want to be put in this position again. “What?”, Archie asks, barely audible. “It’s the best thing for JB.”, Jug reasons, noticing the disappointment in his friend’s face. “Fine.”, Arch agrees, even if everything inside him is screaming for him not to, for he never felt such a strong connection with someone so fast. The raven-haired boy looks towards the window just in time to see Alice walk out of Betty’s room next door. “That’s my cue. Talk later?” Juggie feels bad for his friend, but his sister comes first. “Sure.” Archie just drops back on his bed, still smelling like the dark-haired Jones’ girl.

Jellybean knocks on Archie’s open bedroom door before walking in. “JB. Hey...” The ginger boy rests his guitar on the bed and stands up nervously, brushing the back of his hair. “Your dad let me in... Am I hallucinating or your mom is back in town?”, she asks sardonically. “Yeah. Long story. What are you do...”, he’s interrupted. “Came to return your shirt.” She walks dangerously close to him and hands him the folded fabric she worn to sleep the previous night. Their fingers brush against each other for a second, making it almost impossible for him to keep his promise to Jug. Right now all he wants to do is grab her cheeks and kiss her lips. It seems as if this is exactly what JB’s desiring since she’s standing on her tiptoes, inching closer to him. Arch remembers his dumb mistake from this morning and leans back, making the girl stumble down, confused. “JB, we shouldn't...”, he can barely get the words out as every single one feels like it’s burning his throat. Jellybean holds in tears that instinctively want to fall. “Right. I’m gonna go...” Her voice sounds coarse from the knot that formed in her throat. Andrews watches her walk away, regretting letting her go. But he’s afraid the truth will hurt her more than that.

JB rushes back to her house, closing the front door behind her and leaning against it, covering her face with her palms. “Hey, kid. What’s wrong?” FP brings his daughter close to his chest and brashes his fingers through her long dark hair calming her. “Stupid Archie.”, she confesses as soon as her cries lessen. Forsythe doesn't look surprised at that, rather ‘disappointed’. “Want me to send Sweet Pea to take care of him?” Jellybean laughs and nods no. “You sure? He’d be more than willing.”, he jokes, for seeing a smile on his daughter’s lips is all he needs right now, even if just for a second. “I just wanna watch Kill Bill and eat Rocky Road...” She walks towards the DVD shelf and picks her movie. “You got it, JB.” FP gets their snack from the kitchen along with two large spoons while the girl brags extra pillows for them. 

The dark-haired girl rests her head on her dad’s shoulder as they eat the ice-cream right out of the carton while her favorite film plays on. Jug arrives half way into the movie and notices his sister’s puffy red eyes. He knows full well why and some of it is on him. The boy seats next to her on the couch and wraps his arms tightly around her. The comfort from her brother’s arms make her fall asleep. Both Jones’ man are relieved, for now she’s no longer in pain. 

At school, Archie keeps hoping he’ll bump into her in the hallways or catch a glimpse of her in the cafeteria so he can apologize and explain everything, hopefully getting another chance not to screw up. However, she’s nowhere to be seen all week.

Jellybean has been eating lunch at the Blue and Gold office with Jug and Betty to avoid having to watch River Vixens flirt with Andrews. Jughead feels guilty. He wasn't aware his sister actually liked his best friend. The beanie clad boy just figured it was a meaningless drunk hook-up. But upon seeing the light vanish from Jellybean’s eyes he knows he made the wrong decision, even if his intention was to protect her, but she got her heart broken either way. 

Jughead can’t have both his sister and best friend miserable because of each other any longer. He cancels date night with Betty and invites Archie for a sleep-over of games and junk food. Archie denies at first, since it’s not the same anymore. But Jug insists so much, he budges and accepts. Still, the defeated boy plays distractedly, being beat by Juggie on his favorite game. Archie keeps glancing at JB’s bedroom door closed, hoping she’ll come ask to play with them like she always does and everything will be back to normal. Instead, it remains closed, concealing the girl inside with headphones on to block Archie’s voice.

Archie wakes up a little earlier than usual, wishing he’ll find JB in the kitchen preparing waffles or pancakes, drinking coffee before her dad wakes up and sees it, humming words to her favorite songs. But she’s still hiding in her room, scrolling through Twitter. 

@AndrewsBullDog: Have you ever regretted something so much you wish you could redo it all?

@JBJonesI: You and me both...

Jellybean replies to his tweet, not intentionally. She just hits send instead of delete. The girl doesn't panic, though, maybe he needed to know how she feels. 

Archie takes her reply as a hint he has a second chance, instead of how she meant it, that she’d take it back. He runs to Betty’s house and knocks constantly until a very angry Alice opens the door. “Hey, Mrs. Copper. Is Betty in?”, he asks, catching his breath. “Yes, in. In a quest to drive me crazy.” Arch hears Bets upstairs and runs up. “Sure, come in...”, Alice mumbles to herself before closing the door.

He shows her the tweets, hopeful. However, the blonde understands it better and tells him what JB truly meant by her answer. Archie ignores it, probably because it’s not about what’s true, but what he wants to believe in. He begs for her help and she accepts. Betty wants to see them working out whatever there is between them. He asks if she knows any of Jellybean’s classes but all Bets knows is where her locker is. That seems to be enough for him as he hugs her in appreciation.

He leans against her locker at school, impatiently waiting for her to arrive. When he spots her gorgeous dark hair pulled back by her headphones, he smiles. How could he had never realized how beautiful she is before? She sees him standing by her locker and walks in the opposite direction, but he follows her, deviating from passing students to get to her. Archie grabs her wrist and makes her turn around to face him. JB rests her headphones on her neck and Archie almost giggles at how pretty it makes her look, even with a furious expression. “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but just hear me out, please?”, Archie pleads and she can see the genuity in his request so she nods yes. “There’s no excuse to what I did. But I was oblivious to how you felt until you told me. I've been figuring out how I feel...”, He tells her with a sorrowful voice. “And how is that?”, Jellybean tries not to show any emotion, but she’s nervously fidgeting with her headphones cord. “I really like you, JB.” He pauses because the thought of saying it to someone who doesn't feel the same anymore can break him, but she is worth the possible pain. “I feel stupid for not knowing and I’m sure I made a huge mistake.”, Arch explains. “That’s an understatement, Archie. I told you I was in love with you. You kiss me and the next day you ditch me.”, Jellybean says angrily. “I know... I’m really sorry.” He brushes his finger on a loose strain of hair falling on her face and tucks it behind her ear. “Can we redo this?”, He practically begs. Her strength fails her the second he touched her face. JB’s brain is screaming her to say no, but her heart is melting from looking at his puppy eyes. “We can.” She holds in a smile, but can’t help a grin from forming on the corners of her lips. Archie can barely believe her answer. “We’re gonna start right this time. Wanna go to Pop’s after school? As in a date...”, Arch asks, nervously. He’s not usually this insecure, but he doesn't wanna do anything wrong that will make him lose her again. “I’d love that. I’ll meet you up front and we can walk there.” JB’s eyes light up again since this is what she wanted all along. “Perfect. Can I walk you to class?” She smiles and agrees. They walk the halls of Riverdale High and he grabs her hand, interlocking their fingers as she blushes and leans closer to him.

[nubnubblr]

If You Do .9

THEA

"Thanks again for helping," BM thanked me for the fifth time today.

I'd taken him up on his offer to work for him at the bar but I was still looking for another job. I didn't like being handed things I didn't earn.

"Well, you're still kind of short staffed," I stated.

He hadn't had the money to hire a lot of people and he didn't think he should be hiring too many people until he knew how well the business would do which is fair enough. So now it was opening night and we were a little short staffed, only with the bar staff, the kitchen I think might have a little more staff than needed but it was his business not mine and half of them doubled as wait staff.

"If Austin doesn't get here soon I might have to put you in the kitchen," he sighed.

Austin was his chef, personally I thought the guy was kind of sketchy but he could cook and BM seemed to trust him.

"The kitchen hands have got all the prep work done already, I checked," I mumbled the last part.

"You mean you went in and directed?" he raised an eyebrow.

"No, I know how annoying it is to have someone who isn't your chef or boss come in and tell you what you should be doing. I just checked the prep list and wondered around the kitchen being nosy," I stated.

"Do you want to help in the kitchen?" he sighed.

"No, Austin and the other two have it handled. You need me out front serving,"

"You're a life saver," he stated placing the last of the menus in the holders on the tables.

Everything was ready for opening, which was at 2 p.m. so we had just over and hour. We had brought the boys stuff over this morning and BM had been in what I liked to call Boss Mode since; checking and triple checking everything was ready, making sure all the staff knew their jobs and what exactly he expected from them.

"Okay, breath. Go up and shower get changed I'm going home to do the same, make sure you wear something nice," I winked.

"Make sure you wear something nice, not too much boob," he stated seriously.

"How do you expect me to sell alcohol to guys with no boobs?"

"I didn't say no, I said not too much,"

"Yes boss," i saluted walking out the door.

SAM

"Is everyone ready?" BM asked standing in front of the door, there was a small line outside waiting for opening I don't think it was as long as he was hoping for but it's better than nothing and BM has always been an optimist.

"Let's do this," Thea clapped her hands together once. She wasn't generally an optimist but she was rather enthusiastic today, I was assuming it was because BM was freaking out and even though he was trying to hide it, everyone could tell.

"Hey sorry I'm late," Coco came rushing in the back door.

"You're not late, we don't open for a few more minutes, go put your bag upstairs."," BM nodded towards the stairs that had a rope strung across it with a staff only sign hanging off it.

Pretty much everyone had offered or been recruited to help tonight. Jae was playing live music, I was supposed to help him but I still wasn't really feeling up to it. Not that that would have mattered anyway, I have been forbidden from doing anything remotely strenuous. Thea was working front of the house, Coco was helping her and Charlie was going to come down after her dance class to help out as well.

I tired to help but BM insisted that he was okay and Charlie told me over her dead body. I didn't like the idea of sitting here all night watching them work and not helping.

"Okay I'm here," Coco came jogging into the room. Jae who was tuning his guitar dropped it a few seconds later.

"What are you wearing?" BM frowned.

"Clothes,"

"Barely," he raised an eyebrow at his sister.

"It's a skirt and a top,"

"It's a very short"

"It's not, and besides you won't see behind the bar," she shrugged.

"No, not even the girls wear skirts that short,"

"Hey," Thea frowned at him.

"Sorry,"

"And yes we do," Thea added.

"You're just playing protective brother my skirt is fine,"

Normally I would agree with her, but he wasn't really wrong. When people started getting drunk they would definitely say something to her and not that she couldn't handle herself, because she can, just BM will get very mad at someone sexually harassing his sister. He doesn't really need any bad reputation on his first day being open.

"What if someone drops something just to make you bend over?" BM raised an eyebrow.

"Then they'll see this," she rolled her eyes griping the front of her skirt lifting it in the air.

"Coco!" BM snapped.

"Dude relax she is wearing shorts," Thea stated. Everyone but Thea had turned their heads to avert their eyes.

"I'm not stupid," Coco sighed.

"Yeah we don't wear shorts under our skirts," Thea chimed in.

"I'm not convinced you wear anything under your skirts," Jae commented.

"Why would I?" she retorted.

"Ew," he pulled a face.

"Are we opening or do I have time to have a smoke?" Austin asked.

"You only got here 10 minutes ago," Thea frowned at him.

"We're opening," BM stated after giving his sister another frown.

BM

It was slow. There were a handful of people that came in as the doors opened an they seemed to be pleased with everything but for the past two hours the only people that have come in seemed to be stragglers or people that were just curious about the new building. Only some of them stayed.

"Relax," Thea stated from behind the bar, she had dragged a bar stool around to sit on while she waited for customers.

"It's a total flop," I sighed.

"It's a Friday, and you opened at 2, people are still at work. If t was a Saturday you would probably be full. Just wait until 4-5 and I guarantee the place will fill up," she smiled encouragingly.

"Where was that advice when I told you we would l be opening at 2?" I raised an eyebrow.

"I haven't worked in a bar for a few year, I figures you knew better than me," she shrugged.

"You literally cook food for a bar," he frowned.

"Yeah and room service and the restaurant, the same kitchen for all three, that doesn't mean I know the numbers. I don't see inside I just cook the order," She defended.

"What's the time now?" I sighed.

"Almost 4, people will be getting off work soon, there a flyers everywhere, I know I put them up. People will start piling in, trust me," she stated.

MARK

"Are you ready?" I called.

"I got home 10 minutes ago," he called back.

I knew he wouldn't be ready, I also knew that JB and Jr would be here any minute and if I didn't hurry him along he would take forever, consistently changing his mind.

"So?"

"I just got out the shower?"

"Well then just get dressed and we can just go,"

"You're so pushy, do you have a hot date or something?"

"I have a possible investment, that's basically a hot date," I shrugged.

"You get off on business deals?"

"Who gets off on business deals?" Junior asked waltzing through the door, JB right behind him.

"Mark," Jackson stated walking out dressed, towel drying his hair.

"Are you ready?" I asked.

"Almost, I just have to fix my hair," he nodded.

"No," Junior stared.

"What?"

"You're not wearing that," he sounded horrified.

"Why?" Jackson looked down at his blue denim jeans and plain tee shirt.

"Because it looks like you just got off work,"

"I did just get off work,"

"So? Are you going to see a girl you like?"

"She's not going to know I'm there,"

"But what if she sees you?" Jackson didn't have an answer, he just frowned and gave junior a shrug.

"Come with me," Junior sighed grabbing Jackson's arm and directing him back to his bed room.

"No funny business you too,"

"Is this the type of bar you can go shirtless too?" Junior called out.

"No," I sighed.

"How are things?" I asked more to be polite than anything else.

"Busy, thanks for inviting us out, it's the first kind of date we've been on in weeks," JB stated.

"Work?"

"Mm, he's working on his summer line, I have clients looking for new stuff. It's kind of chaos at the moment, how's your business going?" He changed he subject.

"Good, I barely have to do any foot work these days,"

"What about Jackson?"

"Complaining about having to be stuck working in the city,"

"But he could just make one phone call?"

"That's what I tell him," I shrugged.

We sat down on the couch waiting for Junior and Jackson to be done. It took them almost twenty minutes but eventually junior came out seeming happy with his handy work, announcing;

"Okay let's go,"

THEA

Ten past four was when everyone started to arrive. The bar wasn't exactly full but it was still busy, there was a nice flow of customers and so far they all silenced pleased with the atmosphere and the service.

"Hey, I'm looking for Sam," a tall brunette, he was pretty attractive.

"Why?" I asked focusing on the drinks I was making.

"He's a friend of mine,"

"I know all of Sams friend, I don't know you,"

"Then you don't know all of his friends," he retorted.

"Why don't you call him and ask him where he is if you're such good friends?"

"His phone is off, do you know where he is or not?"

"Of course I know where he is. Are you going to buy a drink? Because if not I'm busy,"

"You're kind of rude," he smirked taking a seat on one of the bar stools.

"Coming from the guy that came in here looking for Sam but not even introducing himself,"

"Can I have a whiskey neat," he nodded thoughtfully.

"Sure,"

"Leo," he stated.

"Sagittarius," I retorted.

"No, my name is Leo," he laughed.

"Are you hitting on customers again?" BM came out from the kitchen with a few wine bottles, we seemed to be selling s lot of wine.

"Ew no, but can you let Sam know that there is a Leo looking for him," I stated placing the glass of whiskey in front of Leo.

"Sure,"

JACKSON

We walked into the bar, there was quite a buzz of people in here. I could see her behind the bar pouring drinks while talking to some guy seated on the end. I was guessing they were friends or she didn't like him very much judging by the eye rolls and faces she was pulling at him.

BM spotted us and came over to see Mark.

"Hey,"

"You weren't wrong, it is the kind of place you have to seen," Mark stated looking around, he had his business voice on.

"Yeah were busier than I thought we would be but there is a booth over there if you guys want to stay have a drink or some food," BM shrugged.

"Okay," he nodded.

"Menu is on the table, take a seat enjoy the music I just have to run upstairs, then I'll be back if you have any questions," he rushed out gesturing for us to sit before heading the the back of the room.

"This place is kind of nice," Junior nodded as we sat down.

"So who is this girl you like?" Junior smirked looking around the room.

"She's behind the bar," I nodded.

"Thea?" he turned back to me raising an eyebrow.

"You know her?"

"Yeah, she is my photographer, she's really good," he nodded.

"What else do you know about her?"

"Can we get something to drink before you two start discussing your new love life?" JB asked looking at the menu.

"And food," Mark nodded in agreement.

"Jackson can go order," Junior wiggles his eyebrows.

"No, I don't want her to think that I came here because she told me about it, we haven't even met in person properly, she might think I'm crazy," I shook my head.

"You go, you know her," I added nodding towards junior.

"What is your point?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Oh my god, I'll go," JB rolled his eyes.

"It's fine, I'll go. I need to talk to her about my new line anyway, what does everyone want?" Junior patted JB's shoulder getting up from the booth.

THEA

"Can I get two beers and a bottle of wine with two glasses please bar maid?" I familiar voice asked.

"Bar maid?" I turned to see Junior.

"Oh my god, what are you doing here?"

"You plastered my office with flyers, I figured I would come and check it out," he shrugged.

"You're here by yourself?" I asked pouting beer into glasses.

"Yeah, and I want all those drinks just for me," he nodded.

"Bad day?" I joked.

"No, I'm actually going to be ready for a new line in about two weeks, so your skill set will be required," he stated.

"Of course, so are you here with your boyfriend?" I smirked.

"And a few friends," he nodded pointing to the booth in the back. There were three guys sitting there, I recognized the Mark guy for Drew's club but I couldn't see the other two they had their backs to me.

"Did you want any food?"

"2 pizzas, a burger, fish and chips, and chicken wings," he handed me his credit card.

"Hungry?"

"Always," he winked.

"Do you want a hand with these,"

"I already have two,"

"Are you sure?" I handed his card back.

"Let me help," a tall dark haired guy I'm pretty sure I had seen around Juniors office came up behind him grabbing the bottle of wine and empty wine glasses.

"Speak later," Junior smiled walking away with a beer glass in each hand.

"Is Sam going to be here any time soon?" Leo asked tapping his fingers on the bar.

"Can one of you help Coco man the bar for a moment? I need to use the bathroom" I called into the kitchen. One of the wait staff nodded and came out, I can't remember her name, Riley? Rachael? I don't know.

"That's really annoying," I pointed out.

"I know,"

I rolled my eyes and grabbed a bottle of cold water from the fridge making my way from behind the bar to the stage Jae was still playing on.

"Here, you notes are sounding raspy, it's hurting my ears more than your singing usually does," I placed the bottle down at his feet before walking away.

I made my way up stairs to the boys apartment I guess you could call it. BM was on the phone it looked important, Sam was sitting inter his bed listening to music.

"Hey, some guy named Leo is down stairs looking for you," I poked my head into his space.

"He's just trying to get me to join his band," he nodded.

"Do you want me to tell him your asleep or does something?"

"No I'll come down, he'll just stick around until I do,"

"Okay," I nodded.

JACKSON

I watched her make her way out of the room and seemed to disappear. She was a little different from the way I had pictured her. I saw her as a short and sweet, someone who would need protecting. But she seemed to be able to protect herself, she was still sweet though. Everyone who had offered to buy her a drink she had from what I'd seen, decline politely.

"Earth to Jackson?" Junior waved his hand in front of my face.

"What?"

"Do you want another drink?"

"Yeah,"

Junior really hadn't told me much about her, she was good at taking photos and she was pretty professional. Which didn't give me any information I wanted, I think maybe he's holding out on some information but he has always been the type of person to keep business and personal lives separate. I was just disappointed that he didn't know more or won't tell me more.

THEA

It seemed more full than it was before, maybe because I was seeing it from a different angle. Either way the waitress seemed to be struggling a bit and Leo was sort of just making fun of her.

"Thanks," I nodded as I reached the bar. She looked relieved.

"She was so bad at that,"

"Good thing she is a waitress not a bartender," I frowned at him.

"Where did you go?"

"None of your business," I raised an eyebrow.

"What can I get you?" I turned to a customer.

"Can I get four beers and two shots of tequila?" he asked looking me up and down.

"Sure,"

"Why four beers but only two shots?" Leo asked.

"Because the shots are for us," he waved his finger between myself and him.

"I don't drink tequila, and I'm working so I'm not actually allowed to accept drinks from customers,"

"Oh come on, just one shot?"

"Sorry, I can't. Do you still want one for yourself?" I placed the beer glasses on a serving tray.

"Yeah, I'll have four," he sighed handing me his card.

"Would you have taken the shot if it wasn't tequila," Leo asked sipping at his drink.

"No,"

"Why?"

"Because I'm working, and be as not attractive," I shrugged.

"He had a weird nose didn't he?" Leo agreed.

"That's one way to put it,"

"You're kind of okay," he nodded taking another sip.

"Where are you from? I know your accent but I can't place it," I frowned.

"Born in Busan, raised in New Zealand for most of my childhood,"

"New Zealand?" I raised an eye skeptically.

"Yeah, I can even do the haka he nodded.

"You can not,"

"I can,"

"Do it then," I challenged.

"Fine,"

He placed his glass down getting up from the stool, he stood back a little where there was some more space and started actually performing the Haka. Everyone in the room stopped their conversation to watch him, Jae even stopped playing for a moment, probably because he was laughing.

"Told you," he states smugly sitting back in his stool.

"I'm embarrassed for you," I poured him another drink.

"That one is on me," I shook my head.

"Yo Haka, nice job bro," some big guy came and high fived him.

"Thanks man,"

"That's your name now," I nodded more to myself than to him.

"What?"

"Haka,"

"Why?"

"Because I can't call you Leo,"

"My Korean name is Do Joon,"

"But I like Haka,"

"Why can't you call me Leo?"

"I have an ex named Leo and now I despise the name," I shrugged.

"I've been called worse I guess,"

"I bet,"

SAM

Leo was sitting at the bar talking with Thea, that was the last thing anyone needed. Those two joining forces, the girls together were mean enough, but I swear Leo thrives on insults whether he was the one giving them or receiving them. He appreciated a well executed insult, especially aimed at him.

"Leo," I greeted sitting on the stool next to him.

"Can we get my friend here a drink?" he turned to Thea.

"Of water," she nodded.

"No, of..." He hummed looking through the shelf.

"He can have water neat, water on ice, bottle water, or water on tap," she stated seriously.

"You know he is a grown man?" Leo raised an eyebrow.

"You know he has a stomach tear," she retorted.

"Seriously?" he frowned turning to me.

"I thought you were great friends?" Thea stated sarcastically. He just rolled his eyes ignoring her.

"Yeah it's only minor but I can't drink,"

"That sucks," he nodded thoughtfully sipping at his glass.

"Tell me about it,"

"So have you thought about coming to a band practice?" he side way glanced at me.

"Not really,"

"Why not?"

"Because I've never really seen myself in a band, the closest I get to not being a solo act is performing with Jae and that's rare,"

"You busked with him last week," Thea raised an eyebrow.

"Come on, it's one band practice, if you don't like it then I'll leave you alone, what do you have to lose?"

"Fine, one band practice,"

"Finally,"

"I'm serious, one band practice and then you drop the whole me joining your band thing,"

"Deal," he held his hand out to shake.

"You just have to wait until his tear is healed," Thea stated.

"Who made you his mum?"

"She's known for acting like everyone's mum," BM came up behind him.

"I already have a mother, I don't need another one," Leo stated.

"Who said I wanted to be your mum? Who want's a son called Haka," she retorted.

"His name is Leo," I frowned.

"No, it's Haka," she stated.

"Apparently she can't call me Leo because of an ex boyfriend," Leo shrugged.

"Oh I remember him," BM pulled a face.

"I don't remember a Leo," I frowned.

"Probably because she's had so many boyfriends," Jae joined the conversation.

"Shut up, forever virgin," she rolled her eyes.

CHARLIE

The bar was fairly busy when I walked in and it seemed like a few groups of people had been here for a while, they were either drunk and well on their way. Jae was up on stage with some guy I didn't know, Sam was sitting on a stool by the bar. Thea and Coco were busy serving drinks behind the bar and BM was at a booth with a group of four guys chatting away. I was guessing he was the promoter/investor BM had been talking about from Drew's club. Apparently, this guy had shown some interest but BM wasn't sure about it. Honestly, the guys just sounds like a pretentious rich guy looking to show off his money and potentially make more off the hard work of other people.

"Charlie, thank god you're here, can you take over for me for like two minutes I really need to pee,"

"Can I get changed first?" I was still in my dance practice outfit.

"No I really need to go,"

"Then go,"

"I can't, we're trying to make sure customers don't have to wait more than two minutes for their drink, we're currently at 27 customers, we have to keep the record," she whined at me.

"Okay, go," I sighed stepping behind the bar.

"Thank you," she practically bolted for the bathroom.

"How was dance practice?" Coco asked.

"It was fine, who is the guy up there with Jae?"

"Leo? Haka? I don't know I was only half paying attention to the conversation he was having with Thea," she shrugged.

"His name is Leo, Thea is just calling him Haka because of an ex boyfriend and he got up earlier and performed the Haka," Sam explained.

"I remember Leo, he was a tool," I nodded.

"I don't remember a Leo,"

"They broke up not long before BM brought you into our circle," I stated.

"That makes sense,"

"How's the stomach?" I asked.

"Sore," he shrugged.

"Can I get three beers and another bottle of wine?" BM approached the bar,

"What wine?" Coco asked.

"The moss wood ribbon Merlot. And can you put the order through for two more pizza's, on pepperoni, one Hawaiian,"

"Sure thing boss," Coco saluted.

"Send it over to table 4 when it's ready," BM stated taking the tray of drinks back to the table with the investor and friends.

"Okay, you an go get dressed now," Thea came rushing back.

"It's alright, I'm already in a zone, and I don't smell so there's not point changing now,"

"You're good then?" she asked as the Leo/Haka guy sat down on the stool next to Sam.

"Yeah, you can go home if you want," I nodded.

"I don't have my car, I walked over this morning. I'll just wait for you to finish," she shrugged taking a seat next to the new guy.

"Oh, Leo, Charlie, Charlie, Leo," Sam made a quick introduction.

"That's Charlie? You're Charlie?" he looked surprised.

"The last time I checked," I nodded.

"Huh," he stated in one quick note.

"What?" I frowned.

"You were not what I'd pictured," he looked me up and down, frowning slightly.

"What do you mean what you pictured?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Sam's talked about you a fair bit, but the way he described you I pictured, I don't know some kind of sex symbol or Miss Universe,"

"Leo, shut up," Sam frowned at him.

"Are you saying she looks like a troll or something?" Thea defended.

"No, I mean she's attractive, I guess. She's just not what I thought she'd be,"

"Yeah well Sams never mentioned you," Thea stated.

"You realise I'm standing right here?"

"Let's all have a drink, to celebrate a successful opening, it as slow in the beginning but in all it's been a pretty busy night," BM interjected in an attempt to defuse whatever he thought was about to happen.

"The night's not over yet," I pointed out.

"Are any of you going to want to have a drink at closing?" he raised an eyebrow, laying glasses out on the counter in front of him.

"He makes a good point," Jae nodded.

"Sam can't drink and shouldn't you be playing something?" Thea stated looking at Jae.

"Oh please, when don't you want to drink?" Jae retorted.

"I barely drink," she defended.

"Yeah but when you drink you get drunk, you can't just stop at a couple,"Jae stated smugly.

"Yes I can,"

"Come one, one drink, Sam can have lemonade or water with Charlie and Coco," he started pouring glasses.

"Are you pregnant or something?" Leo turned to me.

"Excuse me?"

"I know Sam's reason to not drink, the only other reason is you're pregnant,"

"Or I don't drink."

"You're kind of a jerk," Coco commented joining he group after serving a customer, she also didn't drink.

"Who doesn't drink?"

"I don't, what's to point in drinking something that tastes bad?"

"So you seriously don't drink?" he frowned looking at me the same way everyone in this country looks at me when I tell them I don't drink.

"It's not really that hard to believe, I don't like the taste of alcohol so I don't drink it,"

"Here take your glasses," BM handed everyone a glass.

"I know it's been a long road, you've all helped out in more ways then one so that I could get to this point. I'm so great full to have you all in my life and so thankful for everything you've done to help me achieve my dream. I could ask for better friends," he raised his glass.

"That was so gay," Thea smirked.

"To a successful opening," Sam raised his glass to clink BM's.

"To a successful opening," everyone followed suit.

JACKSON

She had been sat with the same guy for the last half an hour since she finished working behind the bar. She had been messaging me, her phone never leaving her hand.

She had a few drink and was laughing and joking with her friend, or at least she had said she was having a drink with a friend and watching them I had no reason to think otherwise. She got up from her stool to take a drink from the bar over to the guy that was performing on stage. She made her way back and went to sit on her stool, missing she fell on the floor. She just laughed hysterically.

Her friend laughed so much he fell off his own stool. Which made them laugh more.

"How many drinks has she had?" Junior frowned.

"From my count? Five," I shrugged.

"Oh well I guess that's pretty good," he nodded.

"Everything okay?" BM came over.

"Yeah we're going to head off soon," Mark nodded. It was almost 1 a.m.

"Yeah no problem, thanks so much for coming, I hope you enjoyed it," he nodded.

"It was great," Junior smiled.

"Hey, that friend of yours from the club the other night," I looked from Thea to BM.

"Yeah?" He asked slowly not really sure where I was going with it.

"Is that her?" I nodded towards Thea.

BM

"You mean Thea?" I asked looking over at Thea who was sitting on the floor with Leo.

"Jackson, that's not really your business," Junior frowned at him.

Jackson? Like the same Jackson that she has been continuously texting for the last week or so?

"I was just curious," he stated as his phone lit up indicating he'd gotten a message. The name read Thea. Same Jackson.

"Thea isn't an avid drinker, she drinks casually, she's usually too busy to drink," I stated carefully, I wasn't going to go and ruin something before it started.

"Thanks again for coming," I smiled walking away from the booth to Thea who had managed to pick herself up of the floor and was seated on a stool again.

I walked up behind her wrapping an arm around her shoulder pushing her glass away from her. She looked up at me with a frown.

"What are you doing?"

"Trust me, you don't want to drink anymore. Not if you want Jae to be right," I bated her rather than telling her the truth.

"Right, can I have a glass of water?" she nodded.

"Why don't you two go upstairs and keep Sam company? I'll send some food up for you, just hang out there until Charlie is finished,"

"I like the atmosphere down here though," she pouted.

"I wasn't actually asking, just trust me and go upstairs,"

"Okay, let's go Haka,"

[onenightandgone]

Gone: Chapter Nine

It’s funny how everything changes so fast.

Reader x Sehun Angst & Fluff

JB went outside with you to wait for your ride. You chatted about different tips and tricks for editing and swapped numbers right before the black car pulled up. Sehun stepped out to hold the door for you.

‘Thank you for letting me play your guitar,’ you said. You started to turn to leave.

‘No,’ said JB, ‘thank you for playing for us. You should come record with me sometime. We’ll make some awesome music together.’

‘That’s a good idea,’ you agreed. You were helpless against the tide of pink that consumed your face as JB gave you a smile and went back inside.

‘Y/N-ah, let’s go! I’m hungry!’ yelled Chanyeol from the front passenger seat.

You gave Sehun a quick hug and slid in beside Junmyeon. He secretly nudged your elbow with his.

‘You made him pretty worried,’ he mentioned quietly before Sehun got in the car beside you.

You met Sehun’s gaze. His expression had turned to stone.

‘Why are you blushing?’ His eyes took in the rest of your face, then your whole appearance. ‘Why were you with him?’

‘I met Youngjae at the café, and he wanted him to meet me, then we just got talking about music. Sehun, what’s wrong?’

His questions set off small alarms. Was this what he was really like? You truly enjoyed spending time with him, but you hadn’t defined your relationship status. He had no right to be jealous yet. You weren’t a thing to be possessive of – you could make your own choices. You valued your independence in any circumstance.

‘Can we talk about it later?’ he whispered.

You agreed quietly. You didn’t want to have a potential conflict in such close quarters with everyone else, who were all staring out the car windows at the buildings passing by, pretending not to hear.

In the silence, Sehun’s arm found its way around you again, squeezing you tightly.

The happy feeling that resulted from making new friends, hanging out with JB and Youngjae, began to fade with your concerns about Sehun. However, the buzzing, electric joy from playing your music, the music that felt like it came from your soul, had stayed. It wrapped itself around your heart. You knew when you recognized it. You were sure.

The restaurant was small, but on the classier side. Sehun glued himself to your side as the host showed you to the private table towards the back that had been reserved. Ryan and another SM associate were already there waiting.

‘What took you so long?’ His voice had the warning tones of anger in it. Your best bet was to stay silent, pretend nothing was wrong. Ryan liked to look for somebody to blame for anything, and you didn’t feel like volunteering.

You sat next to him lamentfully, Sehun of course on your other side. He was your only comfort for however long you were stuck here, and you let yourself be distracted by him. You slipped your hand inside his under the table. A secret smile played at Sehun’s lips, but his brow remained carved from stone. You both wanted this experience to be over.

‘I’m sorry, hyung,’ Junmyeon started unexpectedly. ‘Practice took a bit longer than we thought. We had to learn new choreography today.’

You looked at the leader with your eyes wide. What was he doing?

Ryan’s mouth opened and you knew what was coming next. You couldn’t let Junmyeon take the fall for you.

‘No, it’s ok,’ you interjected. You swallowed before continuing. ‘I was out exploring, and I didn’t check the time. It’s my fault.’

Not quite the truth, not quite a lie. Either way, Ryan went off on a lecture about punctuality and your apparent lack of it. You made brief eye contact with Junmyeon, who nodded at you appreciatively.

‘If you’re going to train with SM, you have to learn to start taking responsibility. You have to have respect for your managers and their time. You’ll never make it like this, Y/N,’ he ranted. ‘Y/N, are you listening?’

‘Yes, yes, I’m listening,’ you sighed.

You started to shrug off his lecture before his words sunk in. You had made your decision about the contract. Was this moment the right time to tell him?

Maybe I should wait until we get home, you thought. It seemed like sage self-advice.

‘Speaking of which,’ Ryan mentioned. He motioned to his co-worker, who brought out a neatly stapled stack of paper. He handed it to you, and you took it from him curiously. It was suddenly all too familiar.

You stared at the infernal object in horror. Your breath caught in your throat. Under the table, you gripped Sehun’s hand harder. He looked at you with concern, and you could feel yourself go pale. He subtly leaned his shoulder against yours, lending you support. His thumb rubbed circles on the back of your hand, now held by both of his.

You were trying to move on from the subject, frantically looking for an opportunity to get conversation moving in another direction, any other direction than this. The windows of opportunity were slammed shut when Ryan put his pen next to the contract.

You had to do this now. You were out of options.

‘I’m not signing the contract.’ Your voice sounded disembodied, like someone else had said them.

Every pair of eyes around the table focused on you.

You could never sign that contract and live with yourself. Not for any money, not for any amount of fame. None of it would make up for what you had done or fill the deep wound that you had created inside yourself. But your music, the feel of the strings under your fingers, your voice sounding out -  being able to express everything that you had locked inside yourself – it felt like setting yourself free. You could lay everything out in front of you, spill your insides without fear of judgment. Maybe you were never meant to be with Audiowish in the first place.

‘Come again?’ Ryan dared you.

You swallowed hard and took a deep breath, steeling yourself.

‘I’m not signing the contract,’ you repeated sternly.

The room went deadly quiet. Baekhyun dropped the chopsticks he had been playing with with a loud clatter.

‘I don’t want to be a trainee,’ you clarified.

You had expected Sehun to drop your hand completely, but he remained stalwart beside you. His thumb never stopped its circles. His shoulder never left you.

It felt like whole minutes had passed before Ryan inhaled loudly to speak.

‘So what you’re saying is that I brought you all the way out here, promised my bosses the next big thing, set everything up, just for you to flake on me and quit?’

You stayed silent as Ryan ranted and raged at you, calling you choice insults and including swear words that were placed poetically, effectively. You couldn’t help the single tear that spilled through your eyelids, obliterating the mask that you had so carefully constructed. You gave Sehun’s hand a final squeeze before letting go and making your exit as quickly as you could.

You found a quiet hallway near the washrooms and released a flood of tears. It felt like everything was spinning around you, out of control. You leaned against the cold comfort of the walls in a measure to find some sort of stability with Ryan’s words echoing painfully in your head.

Moments later long arms twisted around you, pulling you into a tall body. Sehun’s hand found a home in your hair, guiding your head to his chest, tucking you under his chin. His sudden presence astonished you. You had given him so many reasons to not speak to you anymore, but despite all that, he was comforting you, holding you. While you were still crying, you didn’t question it.

It wasn’t the first time that Ryan had made devastating remarks about you in front of your friends, but it had been a while. Your skin wasn’t as thick as it once was.

Soon, your tears eventually stopped coming and your crying stilled.

‘Why – why are you still here?’ You looked up at Sehun with a sniffle.

‘Why wouldn’t I be?’ he countered, meeting your gaze softly.

‘Because I’m not going to sign with SM anymore? Or maybe because you’ve seen what an awful person I can be?’ You stepped backwards out of his hold.

‘Y/N-ah,’ he sighed in frustration. He placed a firm hand on your shoulder, not allowing you to back any further away from him. ‘You keep trying to convince me of that, but I’ll never believe you.’

‘But you saw what I did,’ you argued.

‘But I’ve also seen the real you, that girl who’s kind, who lets herself shine without knowing how brightly she actually shines,’ he told you carefully. He had been thinking about this for a while, you guessed.

‘When-,‘ you started to say, but Sehun cut you off.

‘I saw her when she showed me, that first morning, with her guitar,’ he said quietly. He traced the lines of your face with his fingertips. ‘That’s the girl that – that I…’ Sehun’s voice trailed off as he lost his courage.

You wiped your face quickly and balanced on your toes to place your hands behind his neck. Before you could stop to think about it, you were pulling his face down to yours, kissing him softly. It took him a second to figure it out, but when he did, Sehun pushed back against you, leaning into you. An arm made its way behind your back, holding you up to him firmly; another hand secured you in the kiss, gently guiding from behind your head.

The kiss broke with a shaky exhale.

‘That I fell in love with,’ Sehun finally finished his thought.

The first smile in a long time cracked onto your face, which you shyly buried in the crook of his neck. You breathed him in and you felt it. It felt like you were whole.

‘So if you love me,’ you began, ‘and I love you…’ You looked up at him, biting your lip shyly. You felt your face light on fire with blushing. ‘What does that make us?’

Sehun chuckled at seeing your state. He caressed your cheek tenderly and kissed you once more.

‘What do you want us to be?’ His voice lowered to a whisper, a gust of breath against your face.

You felt yourself turning redder, even though you didn’t think it was possible. The words to explain what you wanted completely failed you. The terms ‘girlfriend’ and ‘boyfriend’ seemed ridiculous, too cheesy, and you couldn’t bring yourself to say them out loud. You just smiled up at Sehun stupidly.

‘After all this, everything you’ve gone through, you’re scared of saying you want to be my girlfriend?’ Sehun collapsed around you in a fit of laughter. His arms gathered you to him preciously. ‘Y/N-ah, you’re so silly!’

‘Of course you can be my girlfriend,’ he managed between giggles. You hid your face in his shirt in embarrassment in spite of the shaking in his chest.

Could you have made your confession any more awkward? Your long, high-pitched whine muffled in the cotton. You wanted nothing more than to find a dark hole in the floor to hide in where you would never be seen again. Sehun held you until his laughter died down, but there was still a teasing grin on his face as he pried you off his chest.

‘So, girlfriend, let’s get some food and get out of here, yeah?’

‘Okay, boyfriend,’ you replied with a touch of sarcasm.

He took your hand and led you to the front of the restaurant, where you waited for your order to be ready.

‘Don’t you have to go tell the others you’re leaving?’ you asked curiously. You played with his fingers, exploring their details.

‘I already did,’ he smiled as he slid his phone into his pocket.

The host came with your food, and Sehun opened his wallet to pay. You suddenly remembered his card in your pocket as he searched frantically. You laughed to yourself. He was never going to find it.

‘Don’t worry, boyfriend,’ you said with a hand on his back. ‘I’ve got this.’ You handed the host the card, shooting Sehun an arrogant smile. He sputtered as he recognized the card.

‘Are you really- are you- Really, Y/N-ah?‘ Finally it was his turn to blush as he struggled to speak, astonished.

You giggled and teased each other all the way back to your apartment. He was careful to not be too affectionate with you in public, even wearing his mask to avoid being recognised.

It was a memorable afternoon, sitting on your bedroom floor with Sehun. You ate together, feeding each other bits from your dishes and laughing. You exchanged stories from the past, telling him about your family and music, he told you about his trainee days and learning to dance.

You finished eating and moved to sit by the window. Sehun gathered you comfortably between his legs, you relaxed against him with a sigh. The sun bathed both of you in a warm light as you watched the clockwork of the city cycle beneath you. You leaned your head back against Sehun’s chest, listening carefully to his heart, memorizing every beat and pause. Your eyes fluttered closed and you drifted off to sleep, drowning in happiness.

Author’s Note: I struggle with writing confession scenes, so I hope that this one was readable. As always, let know your thoughts! 

Prologue | One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six | Seven | Eight | Nine | Ten

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 10th February 2019

Nothing happened, at all.

Top 10

For its third week, Ariana Grande is at the top spot of the UK Singles Chart with her single “7 rings”, from the recently released thank u, next album – which I personally think was pretty mediocre. Regardless, I don’t see this going anywhere, especially since nothing happened.

“Sweet but Psycho” is staying still, with Ava Max’s song still at number-two.

Similarly at number-three, “Dancing with a Stranger” by Sam Smith and Normani doesn’t move from last week.

Neither does Calvin Harris’ and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man’s “Giant” for that matter at number-four.

Finally, some movement – up two spots is Mabel’s “Don’t Call Me Up”, at number-five.

This means “Wow.” by Post Malone is down a spot to number-six.

Now, our first new arrival, as Billie Eilish debuts at number-seven with “bury a friend”, becoming her first top 10 hit in the UK, and her second Top 40. We’ll talk more about it later, but I’m impressed by how she’s been able to debut this high; definitely shows that new album will do big numbers.

“Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” by Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus falls down two spaces to number-eight.

At number-nine, up a spot from last week is Lewis Capaldi’s “Someone You Loved”

Also down two spaces is Post Malone and Swae Lee’s Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse soundtrack cut, “Sunflower”, now at #10, slowly making its way off the charts.

FEATURED SINGLE: “Kids Turned Out Fine” – A$AP Rocky

Now, to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming is Featured Single, the segment where we look at a great song that is getting a single push of some kind but isn’t charting and spread some light on it briefly. Now this song in particular just got a really high-budget music video that combined some of its elements with Rocky’s other song “Changes”, which is all flashy but otherwise kind of unremarkable – but the song itself is great. There’s a catchy, psychedelic guitar sample that starts it all off, showered by scattered vocal samples and seemingly field recordings of playgrounds, before it switches to a slick trap beat that Rocky croons over, before everything slowly gets pitched down and slowed down as he mentions the drugs on his mind as a teenager, who is curious about venturing into substance use without caring about the consequences, and man, does it feel like it. This is psychedelic and confusing, once Rocky starts spitting and the bass actually appears, it just kind of explodes with only distorted guitar to accompany it, before a couple random “Yeah! Yeah!” ad-libs that cut it back to the beat as it was, and the verse continues normally as if nothing happened. Yeah, the album this is from, TESTING, is kind of like that, all of the time. Some of my favourite songs are trippy, chaotic messes, with moments like that random Diddy skit on “Tony Tone” about how he said something while her kids were listening that was vulgar, I suppose, that just cuts the song entirely and the transitions aren’t smooth, it’s just a miniscule interlude that takes place for no reason other than experimentation, and honestly despite lacking substance (Ironically), I love this song (Even though it is just vibe and nothing else, really) and how smooth it is in its controlled chaos, definitely one of the calmer moments on TESTING, but I can never see it being a hit, ever, despite how nothing happened. I think “Brotha Man” with French Montana, Snoop Dogg and Frank Ocean could have a better chance, perhaps “OG Beeper” with BlocBoy JB at a stretch. So let’s just get to the Climbers, Fallers and such.

Climbers

Did I mention nothing happened? This week was so dry and slow that Pinkfong rebounded with “Baby Shark”, up another five spaces to #19. That’s sad. It is alongside Kehlani and Ty Dolla $ign though, as “Nights Like This” is up 10 spaces from last week to #30, which is good because this is a pretty great song from two great artists, one of which I’m pretty sure is also serving 15 years in prison for cocaine possession. Yeah, okay, let’s get to the fallers.

Fallers

Now there’s a couple more here, to an extent. As expected, J. Cole’s “MIDDLE CHILD” is down five spaces to #14 – without a music video I don’t think this is a great lead single, sorry, Cole, I am excited for your next album but this song’s pretty boring. “Lost in the Fire” by Gesaffelstein and the Weeknd is down five spaces to #24, next to former #1 “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande down six spaces to #28 (This will rebound though, the album’s out now), while “18HUNNA” by Headie One and Dave is down nine spaces to #32. That’s it, though.

Dropouts

“Baby” by Clean Bandit, Marina and Luis Fonsi is out from #29 (That’s been kind of a flop overall, I’m just surprised it lasted this long), while other than that, we have “Comfortable” by Yungen and Dappy out from #32, “Think About Us” by Little Mix featuring Ty Dolla $ign out from #34 and 15 years in prison for cocaine possession, “Psych Out!” by AJ Tracey out from #36 (I guess the album didn’t do all too well?), “Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes out from #37, and surprisingly due to recent circumstances, “Advice” by Cadet and Deno Driz out from #39. Rest in peace to Cadet – tragic he died so young in a car accident, and just in his prime time to release more material, sucks that his life was cut short at this point in time, and we only have limited music from the guy, he was only 25. On a lighter note:

Returning Entries

Actually, this isn’t a lighter note at all, this song sucks. “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi is back at #40 (Who cares?). Maybe the new arrivals will be better, there’s four of them so there’s got to be something good there.

NEW ARRIVALS

#39 – “i’m so tired...” – LAUV and Troye Sivan

So, uh, LAUV’s back with another song, huh? I thought he’d end up a complete one-hit wonder but I suppose he’s attempting that second hit, and you know what, I’m not complaining, I loved his last one (More on that when I post my best list; it’s concerningly high). Troye Sivan is okay, I guess, none of his stuff except perhaps “My My My!” has really grown on me all too much though. Sigh, what do these boring pop dudes have to say? That they’re sick of love songs? That all these fairy tales are full of it? That if they hear one more stupid love song, they’ll be sick? That they’re at a payphone trying to call home? Yeah, alright, enough playing around. This is LAUV’s first ever Top 40 hit in the UK (Congratulations) and Troye Sivan’s fourth, and is it good? Well, I can agree with the title’s message on the surface, I guess. Not that I’m tired of love songs, I’m just tired. The song itself? I mean, it is generic, but it’s quicker-paced than his last hit, and it seems to have some more energy, but that guitar strumming just kind of gets on my nerves, same with that mind-numbingly repetitive hook. There is a lot of genuine groove in the production though, especially the janky percussion, and Troye Sivan’s melodies are sonically sound. I can see this growing on me like LAUV has succeeded in before, but I could equally see myself hating this after hearing it more than five times (Because you know the radio will play the most bottom of the barrel stuff after the rise of trap-rap). It’s okay, I guess. Next.

#36 – “a lot” – 21 Savage featuring J. Cole

It’s about time this appeared, and I know exactly why. Back in late December, 21 Savage dropped his album as pretty much a Christmas present, with i am > i was being slightly inconsistent but there’s still a lot of quality there, and fun to be had, especially with the powerful opening track. Now that there’s a music video and now that 21 Savage has been detained by ICE for overstaying his Visa (Apparently he’s actually from the UK, but he’s been freed now), I can only see this rising from now on, and that’s good because it was going to be my Featured Single for this week if it didn’t appear. This song is fantastic, all three versions of it. It starts with a few different 21 Savages just repeating ad-libs while that great soul sample croons in the background of the trap skitters, “I love you for so many reasons, I love you for all seasons”. The bass hits behind 21’s insanely catchy hook with that multi-tracked, “A lot” playing after every line, until 21’s verse, which gets fittingly, broken down, for an unidentified sample to repeat, “I break it on down”, with random vocal samples and sound effects playing in between. While 21’s meaningful subject matter is arguably more important, and the section is totally filler, I love those little touches that show the layers of the production. 21 is essentially playing the underdog who’s seen and been through traumatic gang violence and experiences with women, who has still succeeded. But then you hear J. Cole drunkenly and tiredly say, “Yeah”, before going on a ramble about how 21 Savage had his kids in the studio or something, I don’t know, and then he goes off.

Some n****s make millions, other n****s make memes

Yeah, it may seem like I hate J. Cole’s guts from how all his charting stuff is really boring and always gets negative reviews from me, but he’s definitely one of the best rappers out when he really wants to bother. This whole verse is essentially a complete ramble, but he did warn us, although he does keep a general theme in his rapid flow and charismatic yet calm delivery, which is how the new-wave rappers and overall new-wave black society in the modern Internet age should have more guidance, and now that the older legends in that society are getting older and more mature, much like 21, he feels they should have more responsibility and that he feels bad for the even newer, younger wave of SoundCloud rappers who will regret all their decisions, including 6ix9ine, who I may add he doesn’t defend – he just feels bad for him as he knows at some point, Tekashi’s going to look back at what he did and ask himself, “Was it worth it getting myself into prison for essentially life?” I wonder if Ty Dolla $ign is thinking that while he’s serving 15 years for cocaine possession. 21’s alternate verse on the physical, live and music video versions also discusses people getting blocked at the border, and that families in ghettos still don’t even seem to have a right to clean water and are constantly stuck in financial situations and struggles with no way to escape, and it honestly seems like an anthem for 21, who’s gone through all this, with his verses combined probably being better than Cole’s, honestly. This song is like six minutes (At least the best version of the song is) so I’m surprised it’s gone this far, but it deserves it. Check this out if you haven’t already.

#15 – “All I Ever Wanted” – Fredo featuring Dave

Now, back to some British stuff. Fredo and Dave are close friends, and honestly the chocolate frog and its mundanely-named partner are people I initially was just confused by, and you can tell during my review of “Funky Friday” months ago, which is a song I know oddly admire and adore for all its odd quirks. I didn’t think it was anything special at the time, but it’s slowly become one of my favourite songs of the past year. After listening to more stuff, though, as more from both has crept up on the charts, I’ve started to love them both, and seeing as this is the only song to enter the top 40 from the three Fredo album tracks entering on the top 100 this week from his album Third Avenue (That I’ll check out immediately after this episode), this is of course the one that left the most impressions on listeners. I’m really into British rap, especially the trap and the more low-key, soul and R&B stuff (Check out Tom Misch, he has some beautiful songs like “Good to be Home” and “Movie”, in fact the Free Form official Spotify playlist has some fantastic British hip hop, listen to some of it if you can and give these guys support), so hopefully this’ll be good, and, yeah, it is. It starts with a glittering piano and twinkling leads that are cheap but definitely symphonic and almost video game-like, with producer tags ham-fistedly appearing as the bass slowly creeps ominously. In fact, the whole song is really ominous as even when the hi-hats come in, there’s no real bounce and Fredo just yells at us. It’s pretty intimidating, and when the beat finally drops, we have that classic stock “Oh!” sound you hear in songs like “Leave Me Alone” by Flipp Dinero, “Dilemma” by Nelly and “3500” by Travis Scott, but here it has so much reverb that any other voice than Fredo’s troubled gang mindset feels distant. Dave is great here, referencing... Lil Baby of all people, with a more stable and serious flow, mentioning the people close to him who he’s lost to both prison and death, in a really long and fantastic verse. The emotionless vibe of this track makes it so much more full of emotion, and although it sounds slightly dated in its production, this is a dark and menacing yet almost sombre banger, pretty similar to one of Dave’s other songs, “Hangman”, and definitely deserves to be Dave’s sixth top 40 hit and Fredo’s fourth.

#7 – “bury a friend” – Billie Eilish

I’ve heard two other songs from Billie Eilish in full, and I love both of them; “when the party’s over” is a genius piece of songwriting from her brother Finneas, and “lovely” is a beautiful ballad with Khalid. Those were slow, minimalistic piano-lead songs, though, so what happens when she lends her voice to, uh... industrial funk? Yeah, this one is bouncier and this one is more danceable, and that’s why it debuted this high, especially with Eilish’s hype at an all time high right now, not because some British rapper cameos in literally less than one second at the start of the song. His name is Crooks, and I figured he would have an uncredited rap verse when I saw it had additional vocals from him,  but it’s literally just him whispering, “Billie”, and a couple ad-libs. Eh, okay, but how does the music stack up? It’s brilliant, of course. With Kanye’s “Black Skinhead” as a point of reference, the minimalistic 808s and claps only accompany Billie’s multi-tracked and pitch-shifted vocals, before the verse starts and sound effects are scattered everywhere, with pained shrieks, glass shattering and moans adding to the lyrics. Seriously, I love little details where musical elements actually relate to the lyrics directly, but then that bass hits slowly and that one 808 just keeps going on with a shrill synth, and then it just ends entirely, pretty abruptly. This song is eerie and honestly pretty scary, and Crooks’ ad-libs and backing vocals contribute to that greatly. Eilish’s sing-songy melodies make it even weirder, even, making the song feel like a possessed toy box. That intense moment where it’s just that ear-piercing synth and the 808 is such an interesting musical moment, man, this is pop brilliance. It’s creepy art pop not designed to be an indie darling, but designed for the radio (This is insanely catchy as well) and that hits a soft spot for me. The best art is made for mass consumption. That new album’s coming in March by the way, and I’m incredibly excited.

Conclusion

That was a really freaking good week, actually, so I’m only having to force Worst of the Week out on LAUV and Troye Sivan for “i’m so tired...” (The song’s not even close to bad, it’s just my only option), with Best of the Week going to Billie Eilish again for “bury a friend”. Tied Honourable Mentions go to the equally amazing yet only somewhat flawed songs, with 21 Savage, J. Cole, Fredo and Dave all picking them up for “a lot” and “All I Ever Wanted”, respectively. See ya next week, but it won’t top this.

[someonetotaketheedgeoff-blog]

24.10.2017 – Journal; The Sydney Trip & Depressing Shit

So much tobacco in-between the keys on my laptop - a decent dart’s worth. Nearly no foot room in the passenger seat of the car. So many empty Maccas bags. Last night was incredible. The night before was horrendous.

Finished work and headed home. Rolled my sleaves up neatly and smoked a cigarette outside the train station. It’d been an Asian/Australian wedding. Boring but nice people. The air was warm with a little breeze. I wanted to go home and drink a few tall cans of piss in the sun. Anything to make the cigarettes interesting again. A nerdy looking dude I’d just worked with walked towards me grinning.

‘Catching the train?’. He asked.

‘Yeah man’. I said, stepping on my dart.

We stood in the train carriage and talked. I asked him to tell me about his life but if he didn’t want to that was fine also. He laughed and told me about his life.

He’d done one year of engineering and deferred. Now he was working. He said he didn’t ‘do’ that much. I told him not to worry. I said I hated when people ask me what I ‘do’. Maybe it’s low self-esteem, maybe it’s the weight of the universe but occasionally I freeze up when people ask what I ‘do’. It’s not always a question, sometimes it’s an attack. An undercover attack. I said this because he seemed anxious about not doing enough. I told him not to worry and never work full time.

Got home and went through the garage. Cigarette half done. Sat down outside the back-sliding door. Feat aching like a cunt. I needed to pack my shit and go to Brent’s so it’d be easy to get to the gig the next day but I was so tired, there were bus replacements and I craved beer.

I fried garlic and onion, throwing in all the spices that didn’t suck. Then I fried canned tuna while pasta boiled diagonally on the stove. It was important to eat before I drank. I had no intention of writing but also no intention of getting really drunk. Just wanted a few beers and cigarettes.

I did my usual bullshit. Watching unfulfilling YouTube rubbish while sipping Carlsberg. Smoking as soon as the alcohol made darts more appealing.

She was texting me. I wasn’t angry or sad but I didn��t want any difficult thoughts in my head. She asked if I could get her beer. I’d already got her replacement ciders. She came home. I said hello. She said hi.

We talked about work bullshit. Such mundanity to talk about jobs you work but don’t care about. What’s there to say? I hate my job. Done. The way we talked had an air of normalcy. For moments I could pretend everything wasn’t fucked. The conversation would pause and I’d remember. I just drank and pushed it down. I’d given up on going to Brent’s. I hoped I’d go to bed early and get there in the morning. As soon as you have a drink though everything goes out the window.

We kept talking. It slowly devolved into an argument. It’d fluctuate. Tension and release. Like music – the chorus was spitting hate at each other, the verses were the build-up, justification and reflection. It kept going. Building and building. She’d tell me to get fucked and go upstairs. Then come back down and then back up again. It was like a shit opera. Or in other words an opera.

‘You wanna fight?’. She said, gritting her teeth.

‘What? You actually want to have a real fight?’. I asked.

‘Yep’. She said, her bottom teeth curling around the top teeth.

‘If we had a fight we’d be in the paper tomorrow – because I’d fucking kill you’. I said.

‘No you wouldn’t!’. She exclaimed.

‘Yes I would… What the fuck’s wrong with you?’. I said, laughing.

‘You’re a fucking cunt – I’m going to bed’. She said, getting up from the couch and walking to the stairs.

‘Sure - you can go fuck yourself’. I said.

She walked upstairs. I had a familiar feeling of wanting to kill myself. Maybe not kill myself but at least set up a noose in the garage, turn the strobe light on, pace around the dangling noose and practice my set for tomorrow night.

I jumped up and ripped the long extension cord off the ground. It was stuck down with tape. I tried to rip the tape off but it’d become gummy and lost its firmness, stretching like blue-tack. I gave up trying to get it off. I must accentuate – I didn’t want to kill myself. Just wanted to set it up. Like loading a gun and holding it in my hands and then holding it to my head. Nothing wrong with that. The idea of it made my heart race and filled me with energy – useless, harsh energy.

My housemate came downstairs. Saw me rolling up the extension cord like a guitar lead - like I’d just finished my last gig. I immediately felt sheepish and dropped the chord. He probably said something but my headphones were full volume. I moved quickly to the garage. Turned on the strobe light. Lay down on my back. It was intense. As I dragged my cigarette, smoke billowed out in front of me. When it disappeared, I’d see my housemate’s face as he stood over me. He mouthed my name but I couldn’t hear anything. I just laughed. Eventually his face stopped showing in-between exhales and I was alone.

I got up and plugged my phone into the stereo, playing music quietly. I walked around where I perhaps would’ve tied the noose – the centre of the garage. I practiced my set for tomorrow night. Seemed only normal that the night before my first gig in weeks that I’d contemplated suicide.

Later I fell asleep on the couch. It was about 5am. Getting up in time to get to Brent’s would be near impossible. Set an alarm for 9:45am. Knowing it was ambitious.

I was woken by something being laid on my lower body. I kept still. It was him. He was getting ready to leave for a week. He was laying clothes on top of me, not noticing I was there. I wished I wasn’t there. He fiddled around in the kitchen.

‘Aw shit���. He whispered to himself – noticing he’d pilled shit on me.

He came over and carefully pulled the clothes off. He left and I fell asleep.  

When the alarm went off I texted Brent and briefly explained the evening and said sorry. So unprofessional, such a mess. Brent said it was OK and he’d pick me up towards midday. I was very grateful for the kindness.

He picked me up and we started driving. Brent had to go to JB-HIFI on the way. Don’t know what it is about JB-HIFI but it’s as if you need to look mildly alternative to work there. You need to have at least 8 dreadlocks, couple of non-conventionally placed piercings and a hospo-esque customer service style that makes you feel like you’re not buying a Blu Ray copy of Inception but a pint of craft IPA.

Brent needed to buy a chord for his retardedly obscure smart phone. It’s a great phone but rare as fuck and hasn’t gained widespread popularity. The chord it requires is rare and expensive like baby octopus at a deli, similarly priced too – $35 a kilo and $35 a chord.

We left the store and Brent went to leave a different route. It was a massive mall. They’re all over Melbourne like tumours. We got lost in one a few weeks ago, both of us hungover – was like a low budget nightmare. I wasn’t ready for that again.

‘Na dude lets go back the original way… Remember last time?’. I said.

‘No, it’s fine – I think I know where to go’. He said.

He did. But the new route exposed us to more of the nightmare. They’re horrendous places. I rolled a dart while we walked and punched it in the carpark.

‘When’s the gig start?’. I asked.

‘… I think 8 – so we have loads of time… Oh wait… Actually, it starts at 5… Fuck…’. Said Brent - looking at his phone.

‘Let’s get the fuck out of here’. He continued, getting in the car.

It’s very calming to break out of the city in a car. Australia’s so empty in-between cities. Just long straight roads – perfect screen savers for talking shit. I told him the details of the night before. He laughed when I told him about the satanic ritual style of practicing my set; circling around an invisible noose with a strobe light on, practicing my jokes about fucking myself with a vibrator. Normal people don’t laugh at shit like that. They look concerned.

The plan was to drive to Warrnambool to do a gig and leave for Sydney the next day so we could see the late great Dick Moon (not his actual name – but I’m using his self-made alias to maintain his privacy) perform his hour show which was apparently being recorded.

I met Dick at the beginning of the year. Never heard of him before. He randomly appeared for a 10-minute spot at a room Brent used to run in Hobart. Within 4 minutes of him being up the exterior of my mind winced and cracked like glass – he was so fucking good with such beautiful material. Material that untangled reality and punched with crisp darkness – everything I’m ever looking for. I became obsessed with him, finding any shitty recorded YouTube videos and sucking them all up. Nearly nothing on the internet was decent quality. All shakily recorded on old phones. It hurt me. How could someone with so much skill never get their shit together and properly put something out?

At the time I’d just started my podcast. I drummed up the courage to ask him to be on it (with help from friends telling me to go for it).

We did the podcast. I was nervous as all fuck. But it was brilliant I think. He was a combo of jaded and humble. He was gearing up to do the Melbourne comedy festival. Work on the shit I’d seen in Hobart and finally break back into stand up hard. I was so excited. So pleased. So ready.

He talked a lot about doing ayahuasca. The ancient spiritual plant medicine that’s now growing popular with white sage burning, dream catching, white westerners. I guess you’d describe it as a psychedelic, reflective, non-recreational, healing drug. I’ve heard people say it’s like DMT stretched over 8 – 10 hours. He said when he did it the spirits told him to stop doing comedy. Then he did it again and they said he should do it. Confusing stuff and a bit two faced but I was pleased nonetheless.

When I got to Melbourne the comedy festival had just began. I saw Damien Power in the first week. He did one of the most amazing shows I’d ever seen. I sipped my plastic cup beer in the second row and my eyes watered at how beautiful the show was. We sat in the bar after. I hung my head. It was just too good. I had the opportunity to meet him after but I was fucking shell shock and couldn’t compose myself. I looked sadly into my drink, feeling empty, like the end of trip – how will I ever return to that level of joy? It was perfect.

Then I remembered Dick was doing a show – that’s how I’ll get the high again, I thought.

But he cancelled it. I can’t remember why. I imagine ayahuasca might’ve been involved. I stood with Brent while annoying non-comedian, socially confident people jutted fliers into my sides for shows I didn’t care about. I looked at the time sheet on an easel of all the comedy shows on the street. I saw his show. Started at 11:15pm. A perfect time for his darkness. It was still written on the time sheet even though it was cancelled. It depressed me.

I kept in contact with him. He told me comedy was slipping to the side as a priority. He told me he wanted to become a shaman, someone that’d help administer alternative plant medicines, comedy was falling to the side. In the words of Dick – ‘comedy’s just a whore I occasionally fuck for money’.

Time past and the Sydney Fringe festival loomed in the distance. I got an invite on Facebook. It was for his hour long show to be performed at the Sydney Fringe. Fuck yeah.

We kept driving. We reached Warrnambool in time. A cute small town by the sea. The gig was held in a hall by the water. We checked it out and met the other comedians. I walked down a grassy path over train tracks to practice my set.

I was lightly worried about how ‘country’ the town was and whether my shit would go down well. The show started and the crowd was fucking great - open to a range of material. The MC was a solid, smooth, gay man that had arguably insensitive material about lesbians but his delivery and confidence made it slide through fine.

Brent went up before me. He did some new material about strobe lights. An older comic leaned over to me.

‘I’ve had sex with a strobe light on…’. He whispered.

I spurted out a sharp laugh – ‘Was it good?’. I asked.

‘… It was fucking bizarre… Took a while but once you got into a rhythm… It was brilliant’. He said.

‘You’d recommend it?’. I asked.

‘Definitely’. He said.

I went up next and did pretty well. I got off and the self-esteem flooding through me. I went up the bar and the 2 sweet heart girls behind the bar complimented me and asked if I wanted a beer.

‘Thanks so much man – do I need to pay?’. I asked.

‘Na man’. Said one of the sweet girls, dressed like a rapper that was also into long distance running.

We drank heavily that night waking up awfully hungover. Somehow Brent drove all the way to Sydney. 

It took 13 hours. It was a physical and mental journey. We saw our past lives and our personalities laid out in front of us on the dashboard. We met the spirits of the night, mostly through drive thru windows of fast food temples, they asked incredible, reality shattering questions like – ‘is that all for today?’ And told us enlightening shit like - ‘sorry the we clean the ice cream machine at this time’. It wasn’t long until we started purging. It was as if I didn’t have control of my hands as they inserted a Taylor Swift CD into the CD player. We sang along – the evilness inside of us spilling out. We got to Sydney at 6am. Slept in the car for a bit and then checked into a hostel in Bondi and started drinking.

It was about 7pm. We Ubered to the gig. It was in a strange 5 story building filled with trendy restaurants with no one eating in them.

A bearded bouncer with a cheeky attitude and dead eyes stood out the front.

‘Come and see Australia’s favourite comedian Dick Moon tonight!’. He said sarcastically.

Brent and I were the only people around. I looked at the guy.

‘Ah… Yeah sure dude, that’s us’. I said.

I pulled out my phone and pulled up the tickets. They were barcoded but the guy looked at them for 0.25 seconds and just waved us in. Didn’t scan them or anything. Probably could’ve scribbled ‘Dick Moon Comedy Show Ticket’ with a cigarette butt on the back of an empty toilet roll and still got in.

We went up a lift. Pretty drunk. I’d made Brent have a vodka shot with me before we left. I’d mixed it with orange juice that’d sat in the car all the way from Warrnambool to Sydney. It was bitter and the vodka hit like a call from someone telling you a parent had died.

We walked into a room with about 40 people in it. Chairs set up, people filling half of them.

We bought 2 beers from a bar and sat down.

I scanned across the room. As I expected – a weird mixture of people. A guy in front of us turned around.

‘Hey man, how’re you?’. Asked Brent.

‘Hey mate – yeah pretty good’. Slurred the dude, quickly revealing how drunk he was.

A girl with curly hair that looked like spiral staircases dipped in tar next to him turned around. I was immediately irritated by her.

‘Hey man, do you know Dick?’. Asked Brent.

‘Na…’. She said blankly with a stoned smile.

‘Na… We know Shane’.

‘Oh… OK… I don’t know who that is… Is he a comic?’. Asked Brent.

‘Yeaaaah man – he’s really good’. She said.

Another girl next to spiral staircase hair turned around.

‘Hey you gonna drink that?’. She said, pointing at Brent’s beer.

‘Um… It’s a solid maybe’. He said.

‘Huh? Can I have it then?’. She asked meanly.

‘Ah no…’. Brent replied.

She screwed up her face, scowled at us and turned around.

Retrospectively I think it was good we were reasonably doused in alcohol to be able to brush over the strange interaction.

The sarcastic bouncer from before took the stage, continuing with the same blasé demeanour.

‘Alright everyone take your seats and welcome to the stage Australia’s favourite comedian Dick Moon!’.

Dick stumbled onto the stage, nearly tripping over, catching himself by stepping down hard on the ground. It made an eerie, dark echo go through the sound system. Like someone had dropped a tube amp. He got to the mic and began the show.

It was strange thing to watch. He’d just come back from being the desert for 3 months. I wasn’t up to date with his blog and hadn’t been talking to him so I didn’t really know the inside details. He’d break off into these weird anecdotal tangents and I’d think – ‘fuck yeah, new material’ but it wouldn’t go anywhere. The stories were interesting but didn’t have punchlines. He’d trail off and loose the audience then his comedic mind would kick in and he’d bring it back. To be honest it was fucked. Unlike seeing an artist get old and lose their precision this was watching an artist not care about being an artist anymore.

Towards the end of the hour Dick checked his phone.

‘Ah fuck, 10 minutes to go… Alright let’s run this into the ground’.

He started throwing a few bits into the mic. Doing them for a few moments then getting sick of them.

‘Actually, you know what… Fuck this… Fuck comedy… Let’s just end on a group hug’. He said.

He put the mic to the side. Walked to the speaker and plugged in his phone. A strange song started playing. He went to the centre of the stage and opened his arms. Few moments of hesitation from the audience and then people started going up and hugging him.

‘We’ve gotta get in there’. Said Brent turning to me.

‘I need to piss so bad though man’. I said, getting up.

‘Fine, whatever – I’m getting in there’. He said.

I ran to the toilet, jumping down flights of steps. Had a few moments of silence in the toilet as I pissed. Couldn’t really process what the fuck I’d seen. Washed my hands and ran back upstairs.

I re-entered the room and stood at the back watching 10 – 15 people hug on the stage.

He played this crazy song - Montanite by Lulacruza. I’m listening to it now. I’m crying as I listen. I recommend listening to it quietly while you read this - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI3Ej_iM1cI.

The hug swayed slightly. It was very jarring to witness. Couldn’t see Dick amongst the hug; engulfed by the strange love of his fans. I imagined they’d part and he wouldn’t be there. He was never there. There was no Dick. They absorbed him. He’d probably like that.

Made me want to cry when I saw the hug. Made me question comedy. What the fuck is comedy? Does it help anyone? This bizarre display of love and openness Dick presented on stage - is that the real shit? Something that made me feel uncomfortable and nervous - is that what truly matters? It was grating because I usually see great comedy and think – I’ve chosen the right craft, I have to hit an open mic, I must write and try harder. But this made me want to quit, made me want to disappear. Disappear out of courtesy. I wish there were other words for suicide like, ‘I want to gel back into the atoms around me’. I don’t want to kill myself out of a darkness, sadness or fear. I just realise the self, the individual, gives nothing but pain and struggle. I want to love and help people but the thing I’ve fallen hardest in love with only makes you laugh at problems rather than fix them. Then I get off stage, smoke a cigarette, and people pat me on the back and say – ‘yeah everything’s fucked, thanks for pointing it out, well done of you, thank you’. Then we go to bed and wake up in the same shit world.

It truly was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen - the hug. Maybe comedy only works or exists in a horrendous world, it’s the result of it. Tragedy plus time equals comedy. But maybe comedy plus time is tragic. Without tragedy is there comedy? I don’t know. There’s so much tragedy. I barely even enjoy comedy anymore. I just laugh sharply and say in my head – ‘that’s a good bit’.

I wish that internally, when you felt the way I do now, your brain talked to you. Like the paper clip in old Microsoft word.  

‘Liam you’ve reached a point where you can become part of the earth once again…’. It’d say.

‘Are you going to kill me?’. I’d ask.

‘No, no, no… Ridiculous… No… How could you think…?... No… Well kinda yeah. I mean not suicide! Well I mean technically it’d be… Look do you want to hear more or not?’.

‘Yeah sure…’.

‘Well Liam you’ve to the realisation that the thing you love most – comedy… It’s really just a biproduct of tragedy that’s an illusory catharsis and nothing more than a shout into the void that solves no problems expect boosting your grossly inflated ego and self-esteem, alienating you from the ones you love as you delve deeper and deeper into very meta wanky bits on stage’.

‘Ah… I was afraid you were going to say that…’.

‘So… With your permission… I can either turn you off… Or I can not. It’s up to you. I know the last Rick and Morty just came out so I imagine it’s hard to put it off any longer… However, you do nearly have all the red MacDonald’s monopoly properties… So… It’s a tough one I know��.

‘Look I don’t know man… I’ll think about it’.