#sorry about the oversharing i am not mentally well

[themetalvirus]

more often than not i am trapped in a house in the middle of the suburbs with no access to transport that is full of people who don't like me and often refuse to even talk to me and the people who DO love and care for me i hardly see in person so whenever i get love on here its like. i look like this

[raazberry]

sometimes i really do wish i could go back to how i was online in the 2010s when the concept of being cringe or being an edgelord didn't exist in my brain

[cashandprizes]

Thwip Thursday

Oh yeah baby. It's happening. Enjoy an excerpt of my final paper for CBT where I treat our fun CBT dear professor Lasko. This is the funniest thing I've ever posted on my blog because yes, I am writing about redacted for a graduate school final paper for a grade. I will put it in the tag because I think it's funny.

(No read more necessary! Can you believe it! Just a warning though I did fill out his backstory and he did get hit with the transgenderification beam. sorry not sorry)

This case conceptualization addresses the hypothetical course of treatment for Lasko Moore, a character in a modern-fantasy audio narrative. Lasko Moore presented to treatment as a 30-year-old pansexual and transgender Indo-Caribbean man working as an administrator and adjunct professor at Dahlia Academy for Magical Novices for persistent anxiety symptoms. Upon intake, Lasko reported experiencing near constant racing thoughts that he was unable to “turn off”, panic attacks, and increased anxiety about social interactions at his work. He described spending a significant amount of mental energy preparing for and reviewing social interactions with colleagues such that he often avoids his colleagues in an effort to minimize his anxiety. Lasko reported that the anticipation around coworker interactions (meetings, socials, etc.) becomes quickly overwhelming as he becomes preoccupied with what he will say and do in an effort to try and minimize his tendency to become hyperverbal and overshare information as well as stuttering. He described this process as starting with embarrassment over previous interactions which leads to critical thoughts like “I shouldn’t be so anxious” which leads to rehearsal of potential outcomes of interactions. However, in the moment of social interactions he becomes so anxious as there “aren’t any objectives [or] any specific roles” to the conversations that he “word vomits” and becomes tangential and overshares until he runs out of breath and stops himself from talking due to his own critical thoughts and begins to isolate himself. Lasko was initially diagnosed with Panic Disorder (F41.0) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (F41.1) to capture his persistent anxious state with occasional intense bouts of extreme anxiety and panic. An initial long-term goal was collaboratively set as improving his coping strategies and tolerance of anxious affect to better network and create relationships. As this was Lasko’s first time utilizing mental health services, treatment began with inhibitory learning in combination with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy in order to facilitate willingness to experience interoceptive cues and extinguish avoidance due to fear of negative consequences. This was able to reduce his panic attacks as he felt more able to tolerate overwhelming anxious affect. Despite his clear engagement with treatment through attendance, homework, and skills practice, Lasko continued to struggle with critical thoughts and avoidance of coworkers which he identified as a major barrier to his continued professional development and potential non-academic relationships. Through collaborative exploration, a persistent early maladaptive schema relating to his critical thoughts emerged and treatment shifted to a goal of starting dialogue between schema modes to facilitate the use of coping strategies to build interpersonal effectiveness.

[steffigraf]

warning for a clearly anxiety-ridden oversharing freakout below the cut. sorry. i’m too sensitive and i’m unfortunately acutely aware of it.

tldr; im being a drama queen. gonna take a tumblr break for a week or two. to my mutuals, feel free to dm for my insta. i’ll be active until i wake up tomorrow morning and then i’m gonna zip

gonna preface this by saying this is in no way directed to the people whom i actually talk to constantly on here like you lot were lovely and im just dealing with a lot of demons in my head :(

anyway. sometimes i feel more like a product manufacturer than a person on here. and idk. i know most of you guys are really just following me for gifs and content and whatever but. yeah. idk. i guess the things i say don’t matter to anyone unless it’s funny. or if people want to call me out. not that im mad abt that exactly btw i do appreciate when people respectfully call me out for my own mistakes but. sometimes. i feel like im in a fishbowl and you’re all just waiting for me to say something wrong and cancel me. or then again, maybe most of you already think im a shit person and you just stay for the gifs. or maybe you guys think i’m a loser who has nothing to do but spend all day on this goddamn website.

and i know, somewhere inside me, that that’s not true and that it’s clearly the anxiety talking. maybe it’s just me maybe i’m making this up in my head i dunno. but i’m just kinda tired right now. too tired to battle the anxiety like usual at least. and i don’t really feel wanted outside of the content i produce, beyond the notes of my gifs or my fun posts. which ik shouldn’t matter but. i’m a pathological people pleaser etc etc.

(god, seeing this all typed out, i can’t even fucking blame you guys if you actly don’t like me cause. i kinda wanna shake myself by the shoulders and tell myself get a grip girl the world doesn’t revolve around you shut up shut up shut your damn mouth—)

i’ve been trying to manage by unfollowing and blocking a few people (which btw, if i did that to you and we used to be mutuals, it’s probably nothing personal i mostly just kept people i’m a bit closer to). but i’m still not really settled. and considering how i’m posting like every other day about feeling like shit, you guys probably figured that out lmao.

and well. on a separate note. seeing that rat’s name alone is too much for me sometimes. i couldn’t watch his game with carlos. i spent hours in his match with daniil turned away from the television, wearing noise canceling headphones while trying (and failing) to talk myself down from a full blown anxiety attack. i’ve said this before but the way people talk about him, both the fucked up silence and the justified outrage, it reminds me way too much about a family problem i have right now. hits uncomfortably close to home. prior to this i kinda thought i’d made my peace with the whole family situation but no apparently not. had he won the semis, i wasn’t even sure if i would be able to stomach cheering for jannik if it meant having to watch that man play.

so. idk. between the way actual tennis has been making me feel and the way tennisblr in general has seemed for me lately, i figure i need some space.

long story short ive been spending way too much time on tumblr this ao. and its gotten really bad for my mental health i guess. so i think i need to take maybe a week or two, to clear my head. watch tennis without opening this app every other point. spend time with people i love. get back to therapy. try to be a functioning adult.

(this is so fucking dramatic for a goddamn week of no tumblr i know that and i want to smack myself upside the head because why am i like this why do i make things snowball why why why—)

anyway. yeah. that’s it. if you actually read through all of that then. thanks. if not it’s okay too.

to my mutuals, the ones whom i’ve had at least some form of friendly interaction with in replies or dms, you can ask for my insta account btw. not that i’m crazy active on there but like. if you guys wanna be friends beyond the anonymity of this yknow. no pressure though.

[vampykween]

HI MICCC :3 hope you are well!! i’ve been brainrotting about ur singledad!simon and here’s a list of scenarios nd thoughts that’s been plaguing my mind

what if poppy got into a fight at school? the fight was short because you pulled them apart almost instantly - but she still got her hair pulled and a scratch on her cheek, and poppy knows from simon that fighting isn’t the best option, but when simon answers your call and hears poppy’s crying in the background, how would he react!!

the way kids like to overshare and have no filter, i can see poppy casually telling you stuff like “yeah my daddy has no friends” or “daddy doesn’t talk much”.. and then when simon comes to pick her up, maybe you two have a small convo and you accidentally slip up and mention what poppy’s told you about him.. then he looks and poppy and you like 🤨what else did you hear..

Oklfldldg how does simon do father daughter nights! is he the type to play competitively in games with her or does he always let her win? does he like taking her out to eat or does he prefer cooking at home :3

AAAA okay last one i promise:3 how do the other kids react to poppy’s behemoth of a dad? are they scared? do they think he’s a mafia boss of some sort? or do they find him incredibly awesome and think he’s a giant from those action movies

(ofc u don’t have to do all of them if u don’t want to OR if u don’t want to spoil anything for the series, just some thoughts! take ur time<3)

hi bby! i am very well right now actually and this made things even better, i could kiss your brain truly mwah <3

i will be saving these ideas because this gave me much needed inspiration and motivation for this series. also sorry if i didnt go as in depth with these, but the longer they sat in my drafts i realized i was never going to remember to finish oops! also i hope you dont mind i will be stealing the oversharing poppy idea if fits perfectly with what i have going for part 3 hehe

✴︎ I feel like simon would be fuming, at whom he’s not even sure. I imagine that some kid said something rude and snarky to her and she couldn’t take it anymore and popped on them, and you’re shocked because poppy is normally such a sweet little girl. Simon would definitely hug poppy close because seeing his baby hurt cuts like a knife, takes her out for ice cream and then chides her because omg! has she lost her mind fighting at school, but also he’s a tiny bit proud she’s a fighter like him. 

✴︎No because Poppy would most definitely do this, in her head she’s just rattling off mundane things about her father, but you’re sporting a frown because there’s a tiny part of you that hates the idea of Simon being alone with just poppy. Not that it’s any of your business though (you would definitely have to remind yourself of that).

Simon is groaning at his daughter’s perceptive nature and how willing she is to share every thought she has. When you waved him over to where you were during school pick up, Simon was praying something bad hadn't happened.  “Mr. Riley, err Simon, sorry.” you correct yourself quickly at the raised eyebrow look he gives you. “Is everything okay… like at home?” you’re mentally face palming at the way you blurted out the very intrusive question. You sense his shock by the question by the almost imperceptible widening of his eyes. “Why-” he looks down at Poppy who’s swinging her tiny hand in his, not paying any attention to the conversation you two are having, “What did she say to you?” You wring your hands nervously, the older man’s deadpan stare makes  you feel like you’re in trouble for some reason. “Poppy mentioned to me that you don't have any friends or talk much to anybody. I don't mean to pry, really I swear. Kids will tell you anything, i'm sure you know. After what happened with the family tree thing and-” You're cut off by Simon’s large hand settling on your shoulder, clearly an attempt to calm you down and halt your rambling, but it has the opposite effect and all you can think about is how enormous his hands are and the weight of it grasping you.  “No need to apologize, Poppy talks my ear off about you. I’d be surprised if she didn’t talk to you about things. And you don't need to worry about me, luv. Im fine being alone, i've got my little petal and that’s enough f’me.” There’s an aura of wistfulness in his words, that makes you want to push him for a more truthful answer, but you chide yourself at your thoughts. You barely know this man. Whatever longing you think is in his voice may as well be a projection of your own sadness; a failed long term relationship will do that to a person. 

✴︎Definitely loves to play games but does not let Poppy win because he wants her to learn how to lose and be okay with it. (You would applaud this btw, this is every teachers’ dream. Trust me on that). Their father-daughter nights also will be movie nights with as many sweets as poppy desires because Simon won't bend to anything but her little puppy dog eyes. I feel like even though he’s not the best cook ever Simon would go out of his way to cook Poppy’s favorites for her. Especially like on a saturday morning and wakes her up with breakfast in bed because why not spoil his little girl if he can. 

✴︎I think it's a mix of both really. I imagine Poppy goes to some nice fancy school because why not lol. And some of Poppy's classmates have snooty rich parents who turn their noses up at Simon so their kids are kinda wary of him too. I think Poppy would hype up her dad so much at recess time. Telling stories of how he used to be a ‘super cool soldier’ and all the other kids would be staring in awe like omg your dad is so cool, my dad just does people’s taxes lol.

[thiscrimsonsoul]

Semi-Hiatus From 10/21 Until 10/28

{out of paprikash} Hello, everyone. I received some very bad family news early this morning. I'll elaborate more under a cut for those who want to know, since I know many people don't want to hear about personal issues on rp blogs, and that's totally okay. I want all my blogs to be safe spaces for everyone. But the upshot is, I may not have very much time to write in the upcoming week, so I'll only be working on blogs whose characters I have a lot of muse for. I’ll leave @tarnishedxknight open, since I have a lot of muse for those characters, and I might write my Resident Evil muses (@youmissedone, @checkxmaster, and @freewillacquired) on their scheduled Wednesday (10/25) if time/muse allows. All other blogs, I will likely skip this week.

It’s hard for me to gauge, because sometimes when I get very upset/stressed, I want to write as a comfort/escape, but at other times I can’t even make words. There may be days when I write a lot and others when I write nothing. I’m sorry for anyone waiting for a reply, but all of this was very unexpected. I’m going to say I’ll be back next Saturday (10/28), but if that changes I'll let you know. Thanks so much for understanding. In the meantime, I hope you all are doing well. <3

Alright so... I don't want to go into a lot of details and overshare and make people uncomfortable, so I'll just quickly summarize what's going on.

I have a very toxic grandmother (she's 93) that me and my dad share time with my aunt with. She lives with us for 6 months out of the year and with her for 6 months, in a 2-2-4-4 breakdown. My grandma is so damaging to the mental health of whoever is taking care of her, and she greatly limits your freedom and ability to have a life because she can't be left alone for very long at all which is hard to deal with with work and whatnot, so we have to share time to keep our mental health from getting too bad. She causes my dad and I anxiety, depression, etc., but I won't go into detail as to all the reasons why. It's... a long story.

Anyway, Halloween is our happy time of year, because we love the season, we do a lot for it, and grandma is gone from August to December. Well... my aunt called today. She was just diagnosed with cancer and will need various treatments, so she can't take care of grandma anymore. We are getting her back two months early, we have to take down all our decorations for Halloween (she's very Christian and hates it), and we've had to cancel all our plans for Halloween and my birthday (some of which we had tickets and reservations we can't get refunds for), because when she's here, we can't leave the house for very long or go very far.

So at the height of when we were at our happiest and ready for Halloween and whatever else, we have to suddenly kindof... shut it all down... and accept back into our lives before we're ready this toxic person we were supposed to have a break from. And there will be no more breaks in the future, that's the worst part. Well, my aunt having cancer is the worst part, but you know what I mean. It's just all been a shock for us in so many ways.

*sigh* So yeah. If you've read this far, thank you for caring enough to do so, you deserve all the good things and I hope they come to you. I'll be okay, I just have to process everything, accept my new normal, somehow get through it. And I have to hope my aunt will be okay, forget about Halloween, and forget anything else me and my dad wanted to do for the foreseeable future. I am also getting laid off soon, probably after next semester according to my boss, so I need to find a new job. With grandma living with us all the time and my dad needing help to take care of her, I am extremely limited by what jobs I can look for, so that's another big source of anxiety. I just have to find a way through this, because I don't have a choice.

Again, thanks for understanding, and hopefully I can sort through this all in my head, get done everything that needs to get done in the next few days, and be ready to come back to my regular rp schedule next weekend. But like I said, I'll let everyone know if that changes.

[qqueenofhades]

Hi, do you have any tips on telling professors you’re dealing with depression? Like is it helpful to include details? Symptoms? It’s getting to the point in the last few days where I need to tell them something because I have assignments piling up and the symptoms I’m experiencing are getting pretty intense.

If It helps I think I’m dealing with atypical depression just based on how I relate to the symptoms list (leaden paralysis, oversleeping, severe rsd, can’t focus on anything even more than usual, just feeling an overwhelming physical emptiness in my brain). Ive been doing ok when I’m in class and I feel better then too, but when it’s done, as soon as I get home or am just you know trying to do my assignments or anything, it’s like a curtain falls on me. This has been creeping up on me for the last few weeks and I can recognize the circumstances that lead me here, but I feel like I’ve crossed a threshold in the last week from just having these worries and thoughts I could control to now this full blown physical Depression Experience that has control over me.

I don’t want to overshare so to speak and make my professors uncomfortable or permanently see me differently, but I also desperately want to be believed and accurately convey how disabled I feel right now in a practical sense. Just writing this all out to you took so much effort. I’m not really sure what to even ask for beyond extending my assignments to this weekend. This depression is so unlike what I’ve experienced in the past and I really don’t know where it’s going or what to expect. A part of me is hoping I’m just going to feel normal again in a few days but I can hardly think more than a few days out anyway.

I know all teachers are different but what would you want to hear and be ok with hearing from one of your students? What would you want to know?

Thank you so much for reading this and for any advice. I’m really sorry to just dump all of this here, I’m just not really sure where to turn right now. Please of course don’t feel pressured to answer. Thank you for your lovely blog and self. ❤️

Ooof. First of all, thanks for coming to me and I'm sure it took a lot of effort to put that together. I know that all-consuming, black-hole depression feeling, and it's not fun.

Here's what I would do:

First, reach out to your student counseling/health services center as a matter of priority. Almost every university has one, and they encourage you to take advantage of them. If that takes too much effort to do when you're in a funk, try to do it when you're on campus or have a little more energy. Say that you're really struggling and need to come in for an urgent appointment -- you don't need any more info than that, and they should be responsive/proactive about following up. There might also be a crisis line or priority email where you're assured a response in a certain amount of time.

Next, please do contact your professors and let them know what's going on! Here's a sample email for you:

Dear Dr. [Name],

I'm writing today to let you know in confidence that I'm experiencing severe mental health difficulties, which have been growing worse over the last few weeks and are negatively affecting my ability to participate in class. I am reaching out to the university counseling centers and other resources, but I am not feeling well at all and hope that you will be able to make adjustments to the deadline for [exam/project/paper etc -- fill in as necessary].

I will do my best to complete my work as expected, but please let me know if it is possible to arrange a meeting [via phone or Zoom if you don't want to come in], and discuss my options. I would like to know about the possibility of an incomplete grade or other ways to [pause/resolve/work with] my status for this semester.

I do apologize for any inconvenience, and hope that you'll be able to provide me with understanding and support in this difficult matter. I very much appreciate your time and consideration.

Best wishes,

[Your Name]

Hopefully, you can just copy and paste that with a minimum of effort, tweak it as necessary, and send to them. You can also reach out to the Disability Services office (as every university is required to have one) and see if accommodations can be made/allow you to complete work at a later date. If it's really bad, you also have the right to contact the university registrar and arrange for a leave of absence.

Anyway, this is to say: you have options to take care of yourself and make sure that the people around you know what is going on and can help develop a plan to deal with it, so please do take them! I know how awful and draining it feels, but if you need any other advice, please let me know, and I will do my best to answer. If you have a Tumblr account and want to DM me privately with more details, like the name of your university etc, I can also look for these resources and give you the information, so as to minimize the amount of pressure and extra work on you.

Hugs. <3

[spunky-89]

Got tagged by @adevilyoudo (Thx bb 💚)

Also, sorry in advance, I can't keep answers short and am a chronic oversharer.......

Do you make your bed?

Nope, but I used to back in college

Favorite number?

89, if that wasn't already obvious. I always get questioned if it's my birth year, it's not. When I was young I couldn't decide if 8 or 9 was my favorite so I combined them lol

What’s your job?

Freelance Creative Writer

If you could go back to school would you?

I want to, but last time it didn't end well for me and my mental health, so it's doubtful.

Can you parallel park?

Nope! Never really needed to learn where I live, so the knowledge didn't really stick

Do you think aliens are real?

I mean, I think there are definitely other forms of life elsewhere, but thinking about the vastness of space tends to send me into an internal crisis so I don't think about it too much

Can you drive a manual car?

Unfortunately not, never had the opportunity to learn

What’s your guilty pleasure?

The massive amount of smut I read daily...

Tattoos?

Yup, two of em with a hope for many more. I have one for my childhood dog who passed away and another for a D&D character I played during a rough time in my life and who I often give credit to my survival through the darkness.

Favorite color?

Black and dark Emerald/Forest green

Favorite types of music

No one type tbh, it very much depends on my mood

Do you like puzzles?

Brain teasers sometimes, and I will occational assist with a jigsaw puzzle, but they are not my favorite thing

Any phobias

Snakes. Which sucks as someone whos motif is very much snakes and darkness

Favorite childhood sport?

Ahahaha, no. Not athleticly inclined at all. I was always an indoor kid. Though I almost tried out for soccer one year, then thought about the heat of where I live and promptly changed my mind

Do you talk to yourself?

Yup, both aloud and in my head.

What movies do you adore?

Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Jurrasic World, Resident Evil Death Island, and Eternals are my top movies.

Coffee or tea?

I dispise tea so for sure coffee

First thing you wanted to be growing up

Fashion Designer or an Equestrain, can't remember which came first lol

[nerves-nebula]

why aren't good things good to you? why do you always insist on it? you never say it outright but that's what I realized it was. I get it could be like the trauma and traumatic teachings or whatever, but still. why can't something just come along and make you appreciate what you have? I'm not going to say "before it's gone" because well duh your people aren't going to leave you, but you at least get the point. I'm only saying it aggressively because I'm tired of you refusing to believe any of your situation is beneficial to you. of course there's bad parts but you're turning the good parts bad. Why?

well first of all- FUCKING RUDE.

you don't know shit about me outside of my artwork and my suicidal vent posts. no amount of me oversharing on the internet will make up for the fact that you don't even know my goddamn name, we are not friends. You're literally anonymous. so maybe back up a second.

second of all I'm not "refusing to believe anything in my situation is beneficial to me"

I'm not REFUSING to believe anything. I'm expressing that I can't help but feel bad despite good things happening to me. I'm expressing my struggles with hyper vigilance and anxiety about things going wrong. I'm expressing how desperate I often feel for an escape because I never feel safe.

I'm only saying it aggressively because I'm tired of you refusing to believe any of your situation is beneficial to you.

this is weirdo behavior right here and not in a good way. YOU are TIRED of me REFUSING to believe in the good of my situation? I'm sorry, did I strap you down and force you to read every vent post on my blog? you think you're tired? imagine how tired I am of feeling this way!

people who don't know me don't have any right to be aggressively confrontational about how I feel.

why can't something just come along and make you appreciate what you have?

I don't know it's almost like I'm mentally ill or something and struggle with insane amounts of overthinking. cRAZY idea I know right?? also you don't know what I do and don't appreciate because once again, we are not friends.

i don't know what made you think this was an appropriate thing to send me, and i won't hold it against you because I can tell you probably have genuine intentions, but don't ever say this shit to me again.

[sh4tt3rg1rl]

Hey

It's been a while since you saw my face

I haven't been doing so great

So I took a little break

A lot of people are saying some things about me that aren't quite true

Doesn't matter if it's true, though

Just as long as it's entertaining to you, right?

You guys having fun?

All aboard the toxic gossip train

Chugging down the tracks of misinformation

The toxic gossip train

You got a one-way ticket to manipulation station

Toxic gossip train

Tie me to the tracks and harass me for my past

Those rumors look like facts if you don't mind the gaps

I won't survive in the crash, but hey

At least you're havin' fun

Uh, hi, everyone

I've been wanting to come online and talk to you about a few things

Um, even though my team has strongly advised me to not say what I want to say

I recently realized that they never said that I couldn't sing what I wanna say, so

Here I am, and, um, today I only wanna talk about the facts

So, I hope that you'll be willing to listen

Here we go

Many years ago, I used to message my fans

Uh, but not in a creepy way like a lot of you are trying to suggest

It was more of a loser kind of way

Where I was just trying to be besties with everybody

It was kinda like, uh, when you go to like a family gathering, you know?

And there's a weird aunt there who keeps coming up to you and going like "Hey, girl, what's the tea!"

And you're like "Ehhh"

Um, that was me, but in group chats with my fans, it was weird

I've been sharing my life online for over 15 years

I've poured my heart out to you and because of that I feel

Like I'm talking to my friends, but, in the beginning of my career

I didn't really understand that maybe there should be some boundaries there

There were times in the DMs when I would overshare

Details of my life, which was really weird of me

I haven't done that for years, you see

Because I changed my behavior, and I took accountability

But that's not very interesting, is it?

So let's go on the toxic gossip train

The locomotive's fueled with hateful accusations

The toxic gossip train

Steamroll over someone's reputation

Toxic gossip train

Hop on board, but close your eyes, otherwise you'll realize

That the train is made of lies and that person you despise

Maybe didn't deserve to die

But hey, at least you're havin' fun

In all seriousness, I do think it's really important to hold people accountable for their mistakes

Um, y'know, we should hope that everyone can learn from their mistakes

And grow, and change their behavior, and be a better person

This is something that I've always tried to do when I make mistakes

And is something that I will continue to try t- what?

Oh, you don't care? Oh, okay

I thought you wanted me to take accountability

But that's not the point of your mob mentality, is it? No

Your goal is to ruin the life of the person you despise

While you dramatize your lies and monetize their demise

Yeah, um, I feel like I can already hear the comments on this video

"She's gaslighting, manipulating!"

"Ugh, she's a narcissist and a rat!"

"I would never make a mistake like that."

Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realize

That all of you are perfect, so please, criticize me

Bring out the daggers made from your perfect past

And stab me repeatedly in my bony little back

I'm sure you're disappointed in my shitty little song

I know that you wanted me to say that I was 100% in the wrong

Well, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna take that route

Of admitting to lies and rumors that you made up for clout

"Hey everybody, I found someone new to harass

She did some things that I do not like, in her past

So everybody, gather 'round, 'cause we're about to attack"

But not based on facts, oh no

Your loaded lethal weapon is your fingers on the keys

You don't need any armor when you can hide behind a screen

So, shoot me down, quick, with a click, and bam

My reputation's deceased

Uh, I also wanted to take a minute to talk about that girl, Miranda Sings

You know the one, yeah her

Uh, she's PG-13, it says that on my website

And it's always been that way

And that's why you won't find my videos on the YouTube Kids app

Anyway, um, I didn't realize it was my responsibility

To decide what was appropriate for every kid to see

I've always relied on parents to decide if they're comfortable

With their families watching my YouTube videos or coming to my live shows

Now, have I made some jokes in poor taste? Yes

Have I made lots of dumb mistakes? Yes

Am I sad that there's some fans that feel betrayed? Yes

But was my intention to manipulate? No

It doesn't really matter what my intention was

'Cause it seems as though everyone's already decided on that

Let me tell you, it's not very fun to have millions of people all over the world

Call you the most vile, horrendous, disgusting, life-ruining words

That a person can be called, in my opinion

Um, it doesn't matter that these things aren't true

Uh, everyone just believes that you are the type of person who manipulates and abuses children

So, I just wanted to say that, um

The only thing that I've ever groomed is my two Persian cats

I'm not a groomer, I'm just a loser

Who didn't understand I shouldn't respond to fans

And I'm not a predator even though a lot of you think so

Because 5 years ago, I made a fart joke

So, even though I know this video won't change anyone's mind about me

I still felt it was important to come on here and defend myself a little

And take accountability

And I also wanted to say that

To anyone out there who has ever supported me in any capacity

I really, really appreciate you, thank you

For what it's worth, I never had any bad intentions

But I do feel like shit

The toxic gossip train

Chugging down the tracks of misinformation

Toxic gossip train

You got a one way ticket to manipulation station

Toxic gossip train

You tied me to the tracks and harassed me for my past

Rumors look like facts when you don't mind the gaps

I won't survive in the crash, but hey

Hope you had some fun

Actually, y'know, I feel like maybe I should let you guys know something, um

Seems like, maybe you're confused about something? I don't know

Let me try to help, um

Sometimes people make a mistake and it doesn't make them a horrible person, whoa

Sometimes people can make a mistake and they're still a good person

Crazy, I know

Sometimes people can make a mistake and you don't have to take that mistake, oh no

And twist it up, and grind it, and add some lies to it, and pulverize it

And stab it with knives, and ruin a life, and, oh no

Sometimes people can make a mistake, it doesn't mean you gotta send them hate, oh no

Sometimes people can make a mistake and you can kindly let them know, and help them to grow

Sometimes people make mistakes, simply because they made a mistake?

And that mistake doesn't make them a terrible human

It just makes them a human

But what do I know?

Fuck me, right?

WHY DID YOU SEND ME THSI LKFOSIDJFJ

[hot-take-tournament]

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

NEW SUBMISSIONS DEADLINE

So you've probably noticed that despite submissions officially closing on Friday, it is now well into Saturday.

Let me explain.

Originally, I decided to make the hard deadline midnight Pacific Standard Time, since I know based on when activity peaks on this blog that a lot of you seem to live on the west coast, and wanted to make sure everyone had a chance to put in last minute submissions. But then I stayed up tumbling down the Fate rabbit hole, and because it's a Saturday I overslept until noon. Also, someone asked me what my pronouns were a while back, and despite that being a one-word answer for reasons I can't explain that answer ended up being 2500+ words, and then I fell asleep in the bathtub and forgot to put out the announcement clarifying the new deadline, or queue any overnight polls.

So this is the NEW deadline.

Submissions will now close at MIDNIGHT, PACIFIC STANDARD TIME, FOR REAL.

...until I oversleep and forget to close it again, so it will probably still be open after that. But when I do wake up, I'll close submissions INSTANTLY. But if you do manage to sneak in a little in overtime, I won't blame you, and they'll still be eligible for the bracket.

But this is officially your last call - so please, feel free to send in as many submissions as you like! Remember, this is your last chance!

Thanks for sticking with me and my bullshit guys. Every single one of you is a treasure, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I'll be updating the master post with this information.

There are three other things I want to update you on.

Firstly, a lot of people have started submitting takes through asks - do not do this. Yes, I might make a poll on it, but it will not be eligible for the bracket. Please use the form.

Secondly, yeah, I forgot about the PFP poll again.

The struggles of being an airhead.

The winner of the poll ended up being Hellmo - but I've decided that I can't bring myself to change it. As stupid as it sounds, I've unironically grown so attached to this Astolfo avatar that I genuinely can't bring myself to change it; now that I've gotten so used to it representing me on this blog, the idea of changing it now is heartbreaking to me.

It doesn't help - and I'm being 100% serious - Astolfo was unironically my actual idol when I was a teenager, despite me knowing absolutely nothing about Fate. There's some backstory there which I won't get into now, but I was secretly overjoyed when someone actually suggested them as an avatar, even though it was in literally the weirdest way possible and didn't even relate to 'hot takes' in any way. I didn't say any of that because I didn't want to influence the results, but I will admit that secretly I was really hoping they would win, as unlikely as it was - which is why I decided to use them as an avatar for the short time I had left before the poll closed, knowing they would be swept and that I would be devastated when I did have to change it.

So, I know I said I would abide by the results of every poll, no matter what - it's literally one of the main rules of the blog - but just once I am going to break that rule.

Instead, I'm going to make the Hellmo picture the blog header - I really hope you can at least understand why I'm doing this, and I'm genuinely so, so sorry for letting you guys down like this. I know I've let you guys down before, and I can't apologise enough.

Secondly, I know I've massively overshared on this blog before, and now that I know it might happen again - sometimes I start writing and the words just keep pouring out onto the page - I've decided to start using the tag #h-t-t backstory for those posts if I ever do make another. Those posts might relate to mental health and similar issues, potentially including substance abuse. And I know a lot of you guys don't want to see that, so absolutely feel free to block that tag.

That's all for now - again, thank you all so much, and keep putting in the submissions! <3

[nyctophile-me]

intro post:

(dividers by the incredible @saradika)

★nyc ★(she/her) ★18 ★bookworm ★love enthusiast

✰got lovesick all over my bed✰

hello hello hello! welcome to my little corner of the internet on this hell site (said with all the love i swear <33). this blog is essentially a dumping ground for all my scattered thoughts and rambles, along with things I find relatable. well, it's mostly about things i find relatable tbh. i'm very sentimental and a little bit mentally unstable so.. okay who am i kidding? very mentally unstable so some breakdowns might be in order. also f**k jkr!!

➟ basic info : •asian •18 •bilingual •funny (please let me have this) •scorpio (still skeptical with my belief) •"love" lover •adhd haver(?) •anxious always •oversharer •flirt •coffee addict •eldest daughter •gifted kid burnout •trying to be a woman in STEM •overthinker (just give me a degree in that atp) •sarcastic af •you'll be surprised to know how much stuff i have not watched •will read anything except non-fiction •queer •cannot deal with confrontation •may oftentimes make inappropriate jokes •procrastinator (another degree right there) •easy to please •gets obsessed with things pretty easily •will shit talk with you all you want •overanalyser •pinch of grammar nazi sometimes •pathological people pleaser who doesn't want anyone to see her •may get over shit quite fast •has a new crush everyday •15 wives and counting •if we're mutuals we're besties already ➟ interests : •people •music •books •playing guitar •making people listen to songs i like •ranting about anything and everything •making my own theories about stuff •character analysis •poetry •classics especially •rewatching the same four shows over and over again •keysmashing •eating food •making playlists •scrolling on pinterest/tumblr •sleeping •researching random shit on the internet •maths •computer science •hating physics (i'm sorry it sucks) •plotting revenge (which i'll never be following through with) •spending a tonne of my time looking at expensive aesthetic clothes that i can never afford •looking at pictures of renee rapp and asking them (read: her) to marry me over and over •collecting wives (okay i'm sorry wifeys that sounds very objectifying ilysm) •going over conversations that have already happened in my head and making myself sound better •yearning ➟stuff i love : »music •taylor swift •maisie peters •lana del rey •gracie abrams •niall horan •julien baker •phoebe bridgers •lucy dacus •boygenius •the 1975 •olivia rodrigo •renee rapp •arctic monkeys •lizzy mcalpine •hozier •chappell roan •ed sheeran •the neighbourhood •cigarettes after sex •billie eilish •the national •bon iver •sabrina carpenter •girl in red •lorde •ariana grande •5 seconds of summer •conan gray •ricky montgomery •the lumineers •bleachers •shreya ghoshal •arijit singh •ar rahman •shankar-ehsaan-loy •mohit chauhan •sanam •md rafi •kishore kumar •lata mangeshkar •asha bhosle •mukesh •pankaj udhas •jagjit singh •pritam »books •book lovers •beach read •happy place •people we meet on vacation •the picture of dorian gray •pride and prejudice •emma •sense and sensibility •wuthering heights •the diary of a young girl •the murder of roger ackroyd •and then there were none •the fault in our stars •i fell in love with hope •the harry potter series •the seven husbands of evelyn hugo •heartstopper •boyfriend material •murder on the orient express •the mysterious affair at styles •the kiss quotient etc. etc. (can you tell i have a versatile taste? also, emily henry is my auto-buy author and agatha christie is the queen of crime. hercule poirot is the better detective. argue with the wall pls.) »movies/shows •brooklyn nine-nine •friends •never have i ever •love, victor •fleabag •dead poets society •the theory of everything •bridgerton •poor things •derry girls •barbie •la la land •harry potter movies •red, white and royal blue •enola holmes •mean girls •legally blonde •the princess diaries •emma •pride and prejudice •heartstopper •little women •k3g •any srk movie basically •badhai do •shubh mangal zyada savdhan etc. etc. ➟DNI - racists, ableists, ED-promoting blogs, pedophiles, people younger than 13, empty/untitled blogs (y'all might be bots idk), jkr supporters/anyone affiliated with jkr, haters, zoophiles, anti-palestinians, misogynists/misandrists, fatphobes, homophobic people, transphobes, xenophobes etc. and anyone else who fits into that majority!!

(thankyou for reading all of that, can't believe i wrote it <33)

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Hi Roo, I'm the anon who asked if being here was helping you during this difficult time. I should have elaborated but I meant is this giving you some reprieve. Of course, we want you around!!! 🤗💕🤗 Just not at the cost of your mental and emotional, that's all. But I also understand not crossing boundaries, so I apologize if I stepped on any.

I was just concerned about oversharing. It was liek I couldn't word my response well either so it's no big deal. But honestly it's been such a blur I was like oh shoot, did I say too much? Am I doing too much? But I do appreciate you checking in. Sorry for any crossed wires.

[habit-poxly]

Hello everyone, sorry for not updating for so long.

Tldr: I want to try my hardest to improve my writing, but I get constantly discouraged by silly stuff. I’ll try to update something- or write something and put it out

TW: rambling, oversharing, details of my life I shouldn’t share with strangers online

I’ve been struggling very deeply with my mental health lately. I used to be a pretty social person, a socially autistic but a functioning person with a close knit friend group. About 8 months ago I began totally isolating myself, I only went to work and home back and forth. I saw my friend in July but I haven’t even spoke to anyone outside of that since. It killed my creative habit, I totally retreated into myself and lost all inspiration. I feel this overwhelming shame with everything I make, it’s always far worse than what I think I can do. It doesn’t matter how articulate I am or how well I’ve thought out an idea, I relentlessly perceive it as shit. It’s especially discouraging when someone creates a story very similar to mine- or with things that indicate that my work was inspiration and then they write it better than me. Way better than I ever fucking could. It keeps me up at night

There are very few pieces of writing that I’ve made that I haven’t felt any shame with, father Neptune isn’t one of them. One of my internet friends ( my best friend ) poked around and found my blog. He lightly poked fun at me and it totally crushed my steam on the story. I understand it’s sappy and strange but I come from a HORROR background. I only REALLY started writing romance in THIS fandom. I wrote horror for like 9 years in the creepypasta and slasher fandoms, I feel like it’s acceptable to write that here especially because war is obviously not fucking peachy and romantic as a plot theme.

Anyways, I am trying, I’m trying to write and create again and I’m trying to improve my life past bed rotting.

[millenniallust4death]

Hey. If this is weird or a lot feel free to just ignore it but I've been scrolling your blog for a while. I clicked because I misread your blazed post and didn't realise you said late husband at first. So it interested me in a morbid way how candid that was. I ended up scrolling through so much of what you have tagged #grief and it brought up so many emotions in me. I feel like I've spent so much of my short life trying to process and deal with the more 'unnatural' mental health issues that I've pushed the more natural ones to the side. I buried all my grief and mourning for the few I have lost inside and ignored it. I know you probably didn't start posting to become 'an inspiration'. I know you probably post and reblog and tag just to vent and have an outlet. But I've found myself at an age or at least at a point in time where grief and loss has only recently become a more open talking point. Something okay to address. Seeing people like you being so open and almost comfortable in the pain is a relief i never expected. It feels like a warm hug and I only wish to return the support I feel from it. I'm going to visit my grandparents at the crematorium next week. I haven't been since sometime last year. They passed one year after the other, unable to bare being seperated after so many years fighting side by side. It will be the third and fourth anniversaries this year. In my heart, it still feels like we're yet to bury them. Like I could go to their old home and they'd be waiting there for me. The loss of them is the one that hurts me the most but i never take the time to think of them. Thank you for normalising this hurt. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you're processing this hurt and healing well. You are cared for so much x

I am glad that my blog has served as a source of support for you as you process the losses in your life. While it's true that I overshare in my tags about every thought in my head, it's not that I feel casual or comfortable sharing my struggles with complex grief in such a public manner. I've been on Tumblr for over a decade as part of a very small community. So, in my tags, I'm having a conversation at/with my beloved mutuals; these folks have virtually held my hand through very difficult times in my life. My whimsically Blazed post exposed my blog to the wider Tumblr community in a way that I try my best to ignore. However, the interest generated from the Blazed post forced me to strip the tags from most of the posts written during Martin's illness because having those deeply sad posts show up in my notes made me feel unbearably perceived and rawly exposed. I left the tags to the posts that document my bizarre fascination with Skeletor affirmations. XD

[inkykeiji]

you dont have to reply to this if this is too personal a question! but would you consider your childhood + upbringing more toxic than others? my dad also has addictions along with a mental health diagnoses and its hard to talk about it to people, even my friends, who think addiction is like the show Euphoria (this show on hbo) but like some parts of youre writing is like a mirror image of situations ive been in with my family! it just feels real reading your stuff in an amazing way

tw: trauma + clari overshares!

absolutely, 100%. my father was and still is extremely abusive on top of all of his other issues, and my mother also has a severe mental illness. my house was constant turmoil and i used to cry when the school day would end because i didn’t want to go home. it was extremely unstable and i grew up walking on eggshells trying not to trigger one or both of my parents, as well as acted as an emotional punching bag often. i had to do things and witness things no child should ever have to go through, and i cannot express to you how utterly alone i felt, growing up in a small town where it seemed as though everyone else had these wonderful home lives and loving parents and just an overall great childhood. none of my friends understood anything and for a long time, when i was very young, i couldn’t figure out why everything was so much worse at my house than it was for anyone else around me.

so i totally and completely understand where you’re coming from. it’s really rough and it feels incredibly isolating. even now, i don’t have any in real life friends who can understand even in the slightest what i had to go through as a child, and while they’re fantastic listeners and so sweet and so sympathetic, they cannot and will never get it (and i’m glad about that obv! i’d never wish what i went through as a kid on anyone). please know that you are not at all alone in feeling like no one else can truly understand.

i’m so happy and so grateful that i have this little community where i can share some of my work and provide comfort or catharsis or whatever they need etc for people like me, whether they experienced trauma as children or as adults or both. that’s so so special to me and it genuinely means the whole world to me <3 it makes me feel less alone and it brings me a ton of comfort!! so thank you for sharing this with me!!! i’m so sorry you’ve had to go through similar experiences :(( we did and do deserve so so so much better.

i am sending you bunches and bunches of love anon!!! <333 please take good care of yourself <3