#sorry I'm manic and having intrusive thoughts

[reserwrekt]

One of the things I kind of like saying but it really, REALLY pisses neurotypical people off- is "it's just a piece of paper."

Stupid laws? Piece of paper. The Constitution? Piece of paper. Money? Paper. Marriage certificate? Piece of paper. Any contract, degree, ect is a piece of paper. Your value you place on the paper is just that- your value of a piece of paper.

[killykstudio]

Melancholia

Miguel O'Hara x Cheated on!Reader

Part 1; Part 2; Part 3;Part 4; Part 5; Part 6;

Warnings:18+, angst, depress1on, parano1a, intrusive thoughts, mention of cheating.

Summary:After spending the night at Miguel's house, you come to face an unexpected surprise.

Author's note: I just wanted to thank you for the amazing support received! I'm so happy to see someone liked it, I will try my best to not let you down! So now enjoy the new chapter!

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"muñeca!"

You jump at the endearment. You start hurriedly searching in his wardrobe for a change, the idea of being caught makes you shiver.

What would he think? Maybe he likes it and he's gonna confess his interest for me! Or he gonna think I'm a creep, pervert , a manic! Well he would be right ,but no no n-

"everything okay? I heard you calling my name"

Shit!

"Don't worry! I just heard something hitting against the floor and I've wanted to know, if you were okay"

"I see... Anyway when are you ready, come down here in the living room, I'm waiting for you" he says tenderly

A smile paints on your face.

"A few minutes and I'm ready!" You don't know why,but you felt so excited and overwhelmed by joy. He said such a common thing , but the way he said it and the place made it feel like a scene of domestic affection. Already in your head started popping up fake scenarios of what would happen when you would come down: Him smiling by just seeing you; probably he cooked breakfast and would love to share it with you; then he would be hesitant to go work and in the end would stay at home just for staying with you; he would talk about his work, what he likes and his family. Oh his family he would probably make you meet with his brother and his daughter! His daughter, god! She would love you! And he

God... I've married the wrong scientist

As you just have finished changing and hid the dirty shorts in the back of the wardrobe, immediately you start sprinting down the stairs, doing little jumps between a few steps. You can't stop smiling and overthinking about all the fake scenarios in your head, you feel it today is gonna be the change in your life

"I'm here" you jump on the last step. Eyes closed by the huge smile on your face

"So tell me Mig-

"Honey!"

As you are opening your eyes , you feel someone storming towards you and hugging you.

Eyes wide, you see Miguel a few metres in front of you with his arms crossed on his chest and an impassive expression.

"Thank God you are okay".

As every dots unite, your face becomes blank, numbs overcoming your happiness.The man hugging you comes to cup your cheeks between his hand.

It's your husband

"I was so worried" a tear starts wetting his right cheek.

"I'm sorry! to have... not seen your problems...to have made you feel alone ... to have been an asshole...To have been negligent to you... I-" he does a deep sigh "I love you" he lightly smiles and gives you a kiss on your forehand

Your face is still deadpan and immobile

"Thank God, Miguel told me everything". Your eyes widen

Miguel?

You search for his gaze, but his eyes are set to his left

Why?

You feel a sting of betrayal mixed with anger and sorrow.

Why?

"Why?" Both of them stare at you. "Why did you cheat me?"

Both of their faces are astonished. In your husband's eyes agitation is growing, In Miguel's irritation and confusion as you staring at him with eyes full of rage. He knows he did something you clearly didn't want ,but it was the right thing to do , since you were avoiding the situation.

"I mean... I didn't want you to find out in this way... It was a mistake... I stop-

"Dios Mío! Not in my house, porfavor!" Miguel says breaking eye contact with you , guilt beginning growing in his abdomen. you keep staring at him ,your eyes become even more red and you feel tears start gathering in your eyes, but you hold them back

Your question wasn't aimed at your husband.

You are acting childish and without reason , but your emotions are stronger and to help them there are all your fake scenarios.

"Yeah we were already too much of a nuisance" your husband grabs your wrist

You have to stay calm... After all he has another life... He was too caring to you... Be grateful and ap-

"FUCK OFF!" You shout.

Miguel pupils shrink and come to see you staring at him. Now he was infuriated.

"honey I'm sorry, yeah I deserve this but not now okay?" He starts dragging you towards the door.

"Bye Miguel thanks for everything, buddy" Miguel replies to your husband words with a nod meaning 'dont worry'. He passes near him, then Miguel is met by your face of disgust to which he reciprocate.

Then he hears the door slamming.

¿qué chingados?

~~~

You and your husband are in the elevator. A thick silence is dividing you two , even though he is still holding your hand. you don't repay the gesture, leaving your hand lolling.

Tears start falling , but your expression emit nothingness

All the anger and the fury replaced by nothing and bit pain as you start overthinking about everything that happened in these two days.

"Honey... your ring?"

You move your head to the hand he is holding and you see it. You have lost it, probably in the lake.

Next you finally meet his gaze. He smiles softly, frowning as feeling out for you.

The fuck?

"don't worry, honey. We will bu-"

"I want to nullify our wedding"

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Author's note: Sorry for the short chapter , but I feel if I included another plot point here, it would have been too long. Also in the next part there will be a surprise of for you all. Anyway I think at this point I will rename the main tag as"Miguel O'Hara X obsessed!Reader" , since I have some peculiar ideas for how to continue the story, so stay tuned ! Part 6 is posted!

[disabledstraydogs]

For the ask game, Lucy and Kyouka with ♿️, 🩼, ☔️, 🏳️‍🌈 and 🐶

I hope that's not too much! (and sorry about the questions being kinda out of order lol)

Hi anon! Because of the number of points here, we are just doing Lucy, but feel free to resend if you want us to do Kyouka as well!!!!

Lucy

♿️ - What is your disability headcanon for [character]? What are the main symptoms that they show? Be as specific or as vague as you want.

Okay Lucy to me has:

Schizoaffective disorder- To me her main symptoms would have disorganized behavior and speech, hallucinations, and mania/depressive episode

She also uses/used a colostomy bag- Although atp I'm unsure if I headcanon her as having it a permanently or just as a young teenager, I think it was either an infection or cancer that causes her to need one. In this post though we're going for it being permanent.

System Lucy is a headcanon we have- however currently I'm leaning towards Anne being a reoccurring hallucination rather than an alter

I don't know what exactly this would class as but due to the orphanage I think she would have something with her hands maybe a nerve or skin issue? Because I don't know what exactly I won't specify this but it's a Thing imo.

🩼 - What is their relationship like with their disability? Are they in denial? Do they fight against it? Are they at peace with their disability?

I think with her schizoaffective disorder she's very used to it, however I think she does have times where she is reluctant to (or judt doesn't) take her meds because she wants to be 'better' and 'normal'.

With her colostomy bag I think she despises it. Having been bullied for using one (despite it being necessary for her to survive) I think she just associates it with bad things and would hide it. She's very anxious to have people find out that she uses one because she doesn't want to answer any of the intrusive questions that come with it. Sometimes she struggles to change it because of this.

🐶 - Has their past affected their disability and it's formation? How?

I think this is an interesting question. In Lucy's case I think the bullying and mistreatment 100% caused (or triggered) her schizoaffective disorder. Obviously we don't know her parents so there could be a genetic element too. But I think being called a freak and so forth impacted her majorly and had her developing delusional thoughts at a young age that weren't picked up on. Also I think the nature of her ability would aid in her disorder.

I don't think there was much she could do to change the possibility of having a colostomy, although I think the orphanage could have picked up on her medical needs sooner and gotten her help that means she may not have needed one.

☔️ - What does a 'bad day' look like for them? How do they cope with this?

I think a bad day for Lucy would involve a lot of emotions and sobbing. She wants attention and reassurance but isn't sure how to ask for this. I think she would lock herself in her ability and just. be held by Anne because she feels like no one else can love her.

I think if she was in mania rather than the depression she would act incredibly impulsively, and possibly have an aggressive streak when she's manic.

For her colostomy, it causes skin irritation, and that makes her upset because it's like a permanent reminder that it's there. Also if it leaks and Lucy is in a bad place she will break down and possibly panic depending on where she is when or if she's in a bad place in general.

🏳️‍🌈 - A random headcanon about [character] and their disability

I've said this before but I think Lucy is a horror junkie, however I also think this could make her psychosis symptoms worse. The Guild have pretty much banned her from watching horror films.

For a headcanon we haven't spoken about.... Besdies Anne, I think Louisa and Atushi are the only people who have actually seen Lucy's colostomy bag. I though Louisa is the only person Lucy has let close enough to help her with changing it.

[canipetthatdeaddove]

hello there! You've certainly been busy! I hope all the activity has helped! Things are looking up for you, and your post seems to hint at positivity for you? I hope so. You deserve good things and are working hard to bring them about! Excited to read your work for TRSB, you are a wonderful author ( ps I mis magnificent centuries too - I love that Fili was warned off Kili, I just always see them wanting to be with each other; Thorin is so coniving! ) Have a comforting day, and don't let the intrusive thought take over!

(You didn't ask for this long a response but the can was opened and out came the worms. Sorry!!)

I'm sorry my post didn't hint at more positivity. I re-read it and was like DANG I sound grumpy. I know I don't need to apologize, but mainly, it wasn't my intention. I'm excited to have a moment to breathe and share with my tumblr community, but I think the accidental clipped tone is indicative of how manic and kinda scared I feel by all the amazing activity and progress that's suddenly happening. I feel wired and fried, and just keep wanting to either catch up to this pace, or for things to slow down considerably.

I am building a small jewelry business now, have a part time job, and enrolled part time in uni, still run my dog grooming business and am currently in the middle of a dog sitting gig. I've taken on the labor of providing this recovery meeting in my city in addition to attending all my commitments to my Native American sobriety group, while also very much wanting to write and balance my schedule and be a good mom.

There are so many factors at play with whether or not my day goes well or poorly, and being on a very effective weight loss med is one of them. I'm in a near constant caloric deficit, and had a health scare last month because my orthostatic blood pressure was cray-cray and I kept swooning due to a dramatic decrease in salt in my diet lololol. There was no beefy handsome stranger to catch me, and I'm lucky I was okay whenever it happened considering I was alone. I'm doing better this month. Normal blood pressure stats in my appt this week.

So I am thrilled that my life is going the way it is after so many depressing years in addiction and unhappiness, but, it's like... I have not been conditioned to operate at this level of socializing and what have you for over 15 years. I'm very afraid of messing it all up. I wish I would quit it, lol. I am just so fucking MUCH of a person (not flexing, I'm straight up complaining). But it's nice to kinda have that come back to life. I did a pretty effective job of killing the real me for a while. Real me is a lot. Which ya'll know.

And I shouldn't project negativity about my TRSB submission. I got in the way of me having as much fun with it as I should have, and I'm the only one already assuming my exchange partner will feel slighted or the rare pair's fandom will hiss at me and my submission like snakes. I'll practice better mindfulness with the next FiKi thingy I signed up for (because I Just. Can't. Quit.).

Thank you for being excited for my things!!! I'm looking forward to posting my edits of TMC and getting the next chapter out before the end of the year. I want another chapter for House of Rivia before the end of the year as well. Hopefully those aren't completely crazy goals. It means so much to know folks are still engaged despite my absence.

Thanks so much for the encouragement. 🥹

[inkrabbit]

Bad headspace hcs

Hi. Welcome back to me ignoring my finals.

Warnings: Mentions of grave robbing, mentions of corpses, mentions of schizophrenia, depression, and eating disorder, violence

Mary Goore:

This is where the weird and sick fantasies happen

They'll visit the cemetery more and dig up some graves

Mainly they'll rob and/or sketch the skeleton or even decayed body that's inside the casket

Sometimes they'll go further, but that's depending on if the voices are acting up again

Mary deals with residual schizophrenia and sometimes forgets to take his medication please get them a fucking daily pill counter jfc he needs help

When they're in this headspace, you're best off to just leave him alone. Mary becomes more unpredictable and even violent due to the intrusive thoughts that won't shut up and heightened paranoia

This episode typically lasts a few days, but on the off chance it's particularly bad, it could be up to a month

Just let them reach out to you whenever they're ready

"Sorry I've been MIA for a while. The voices wouldn't stfu. Wanna hang out later?"

DD Sars

Swings between manic episodes to becoming a hermit for a while

Probably needs antidepressants but doesn't have any

He couldn't stand the side effects from his old prescription but ended up changing insurance before he could ask for a new prescription

Was told he was fine and didn't need any medication from a nurse, then told to come back to the hospital if he felt bad again

Absolutely doesn't trust doctors now and refuses to ask them for help with both his depression and eating disorder

"I'm fine." said with a forced and angry smile

You can interact with DD and he'll genuinely tell you what's wrong. He worries a lot so he's grateful if you let him vent for a bit

Promises to try and eat more and take care of himself but will 100% admit when he's too tired to even get out of bed

Doesn't want you to worry about him but he appreciates the concern

G. Grotesque

He'll start digging up graves but not for the same reason as Mary

Normally, G. suffers alone and silently, but sometimes he bottles up his emotions too much and suddenly everything bursts out at once

Refuses to admit anything is wrong to anyone (DD's the only one that can trick him into talking)

But when it gets too bad, G. will dig up a grave just so he can stab a body repeatedly

Doesn't stop until he physically cannot keep going

If you catch him doing this, he absolutely breaks down sobbing in your arms

"I can't take it anymore! It hurts!"

He'll let you take him home and coddle him because he's too drained to do anything else

He'll feel better in a couple days after entirely breaking down. He just has to calm down for a bit

E. Forcas

Stays home and actually stops speaking

Everything takes too much energy and he's too busy fighting for his fucking life to verbally talk

Please only ask him yes or no questions. It's easier for him to nod or shake his head

Doesn't act out at all like the others but there's a distinct look in his eyes

Thousand yard stare all the way. If you come over, he'll just look in your direction but not at you

Doesn't mind if you watch movies with him or even cuddle, but he's just going to be silent for the entire stay

When he does get enough energy, he'll finally look you in the eye. Still doesn't entirely focus on you, but it's a step in the right direction

"Could you spend the night with me? I don't wanna be alone anymore."

Please stay with him for a while. The company helps more than he'll ever let on

[ageless-soul-au]

I think you've mentioned in a few places that Legend has bipolar disorder. What all does that mean for him? /gq

(Sorry if you've already received asks about it, the search function of Tumblr is not very good. Also, sorry if that's an outdated or incorrect term for it, I don't know a whole lot about it in general ^^;)

ur okay, dw!! I (Kio) will put the answer under a cut for anyone who doesn't wanna read about it (but maybe you'll understand some of legend's issues a little more if you do)

cw for personal experiences, medication mention, manic/depressive symptoms, etc

honestly i'm just trying to base legend's bipolar on my having bipolar depression once upon a time. see, bipolar is caused by chemical imbalances, so in modern day you'd take mood stabilizers for it like lithium. legend doesn't have that (or if there's some way to treat it in the zelda universe he doesn't know what it is) so he's just gotta Suffer.

bipolar is characterized by a cycle of manic and depressive episodes. one leads into the other and unmedicated there's basically no escaping it unless your body decides to un-fuck itself magically. which... kinda happened to me so it's not impossible but i never had bipolar disorder straight up i don't think.

everyone presents symptoms differently with different degrees of severity but here's a little thing i pulled off of google that i keep in mind while writing because it's helpful to have something on hand so you don't forget.

so what i experienced had a slow buildup of mania over the course of a week, and it really wasn't that bad, more like i'd talk really fast and was hyper and bubbly. then there was a depressive crash that lasted about a day. this cycle happened pretty consistently.

here are the notes I have on legend tho, since his is more severe and worsened/triggered by trauma and stress:

manic: shaky, struggling to focus, voices/hallucinations, agitated/hostile, racing thoughts, impulsive, can't sleep, talking faster/more than usual, wants to stim more than usual (not always good stimming)

depressive: quiet, tired, low social battery, withdrawn/distant, intrusive thoughts, likely to find a quiet place to cry by himself if he can't ask for help/comfort (he really needs a hug)

so these episodes will happen every so often and ravio is used to dealing with them and helping legend through them, trying to make life easy for him during the week or so that it lasts. but this isn't something that he's wanted to "burden" the chain with so he's been suppressing it and trying to deal with it on his own where he can hide it, and wars has just now realized that this has been a thing legend's been experiencing, and several times he's seen it and not known exactly what it was, just that legend was going through it atm

that's basically it! it's just something he lives with and has to go through. honestly i hope i'm writing it correctly because, like i said, i had a very different experience. but based on what i've read and a few other people i've talked to that have bipolar disorder and adjacent things, this is what i pieced together for legend bc it felt like it fit him.

thank you for reading all this! i encourage you to read up on it online if you wanna know more. everyone experiences it differently!

-Kio

[lokilysolbitch]

i do like to think about gen z from the outside and like what gen alpha would make fun of gen z for actually. and i see gen z posts going "gen alpha won't have anything to make fun of plus for except 2020 tiktok. were normal were cool" WRONG we're gonna get made fun of for:

silly little guy

in my ____ era

that's so _____ core/coded

little treat

fnaf

they might come after the tiktok "alt" style idk.

how anything serious becomes a joke ("i have severe trauma😝" type humor. we're gonna get called unfunny for sure)

doing transitions too much on tiktok

bestie/slay/it's giving/etc

any misused and overused aave actually. but i feel like nonblack gen alpha would also wildly misuse aave and have a superiority complex over gen z. they're already sticking out their gyat for the rizzler. i also think they'd make fun of black gen z for using it right bc it's "old slang" even though. it's. it's our (black ppls) slang. this pattern isn't new tho

if gen z catches gen alpha making fun of us and comments shit like "oh !" or "this is the original" or something like that it's gonna come off like millennials saying the "you called me a bitch? well a bitch is a female dog and dogs bark and--" thing

hmm not sure if gen alpha would break the "misused mental health terms" cycle or just join it. but if they join it maybe they'll take from DID terms. like "every friend group has the social protector, the caretaker, the trauma holder" or something. i'm just following the pattern that the popular misused mental health terms are getting more niche bc it went from depressed, to intrusive thoughts, to manic, to delulu, etc.

gen z is very clownable sorry. not all of these things are bad but they definitely can all be made fun of by future high schoolers. (also don't misuse terms and then make fun of people who were using those terms genuinely before you)

[chronically-obsessive-compulsive]

Diagnosis Acceptance

I'm scared.

I don't normally admit that sort of thing, but I'm scared. Recently I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1. I should be happy- so many of the things in my life that made me feel like something was wrong with me make sense now. I was happy. I was relieved. But now the old fears that I had- that kept me from getting this diagnosis in the first place are coming back.

I think I’ve known for a long time that I’ve had a mood disorder. My best friend also has Bipolar 1 and, although she kept telling me that the things I was telling her about my mood sound like mania and depression, I was in denial. The truth is that I didn’t want another diagnosis- and a serious one at that. I’ve dealt with OCD for a long time. Accepting that I needed help for that was hard enough. Finally opening up to a psychiatrist about my intrusive thoughts was hard enough. But now I have Bipolar 1? 

All of this is so new for me. Antipsychotics. Mood stabilizers. Realizing all of the times that I’ve been in psychosis and never knew. Realizing all the times I’ve been manic- for months at a time- and never knew. It’s so much information to process all at once. 

And the dreaded thought: I have to live the rest of my life like this. 

I have to spend the rest of my life going between medications and going through this. I thought things were escalating over the last three years, but I have to go the rest of my life like this? I feel like I’ve barely been able to make it through this. I’ve even started hallucinating pretty frequently with my mania, as if the delusions and extreme paranoia weren’t enough. 

I know that nothing would be different without a diagnosis. And I’m happy that I can be medicated now and hopefully cope with this disorder better. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to have this diagnosis- or any of them. I just want to be okay.

Sorry for the long rant post, I’m just really struggling right now.

- Juno

[ixeliema]

Okay this is going to be pretty personal and potentially triggering so I'm leaving that here at the top. I'm going to be discussing depression and self harm here and I will tag accordingly. I will not be specific or speak of it in detail because a lot of people read posts like these at their lowest points and it does nothing but hurt already very troubled people to read.

These bubbles are covering an injury I inflicted upon myself at work today after my manager called me in to a meeting with him to speak about the amount of missed days of work I'd taken in the last two-three weeks.

How it happened doesn't matter. The only context you need for it is that I missed four days due to a contagious illness and one day due to a stomach bug that had me physically unable to leave the bathroom. I work long hours and in my store's home department. I work hard and never do things 80% or lower at work and it's exhausting at times.

Well...yesterday I had a panic attack that lasted for almost four hours and knew I couldn't work in this state. I had been curling into a ball, screaming, sobbing, (tw) pulling my hair.

I called in and my manager told me we'd need to talk about my missed days. Fine. I accept that. Today I dreaded the inevitable call back and when it happened he told me that two of my customers had filed complaints on me within two days last week.

One I will admit is justified. He was talking about gun issues and complaining that retail stores should sell guns, meanwhile I am from a college that was shot up and I am fucking terrified of guns. I don't mind not selling them. Especially in light of El Paso recently.

The other was a lady who noticed I was sweaty and tired after having to manually enter her discounts for about 25 apparel items because her digital coupon wasn't ringing right and it was a system issue. I had an injury between my fingers at the time and all the typing to fix the prices was pulling apart my scab and I had begun to bleed through my bandage. At the end of the transaction, she made eye contact with me and asked "I'm sorry...are you IRRITATED with me?" I don't remember exactly what I said but I said something like "no ma'am I'm bleeding". Well apparently 'no' means I'm still a bitch who needed reported to her manager.

The first...fine. I was out of line there. I shouldn't have let him goad me on. But the second pisses me off. Not happy because three strikes on my record is cause for termination due to disregard for customer satisfaction. This sucks a lot. But then my manager talks about my missed days and why they happened. I mentioned my sicknesses and cited a literal rule (if you are contagious or having issues with bodily fluids don't come in" at him. Yesterday I told him my situation. I was unable to breathe. See. Anything. I cited my mental illness and told him it was very bad yesterday. He kind of brushed me off. (Which in itself fucking infuriates me bc mental health isn't a goddamn joke!)

Then he told me to evaluate myself and whether or not this job is right for me. I also have a physical injury and I require a brace. Even with it sometimes I have sore days and pain that I can't control due to walking about four to five miles a day at work. It sucks but with the brace I can survive. I need this job to live after all, and I don't mind the coworkers or the job itself. It just sucks when I'm working 48 hours in a row with a lot of mental and physical barriers to my success.

He told me to my face that if I didn't feel I was capable of doing the job to quit. And then he told me he needed someone "more reliable" for the position because of the business' needs.

I kind of broke at that point. And I blacked out into a relapse of my self harm after the meeting was through. I pride myself on two things: my sense of humor even in dark times (comes with the territory of mental illness), and the fact that I strive to be reliable. My manager telling me to my face that I wasn't reliable broke me.

See I would be more understanding if he hadn't just told me that five of my six missed days were perfectly acceptable. But after he learned of the last one amd why he kind of shifted gears. And I hated it very much.

He's worked for x corporation nearly 20 years and no one will question his authority. He works hard and is pretty good with his workers. Honestly he's a little sexist and clearly doesn't think mental illnesses are a big deal, but he's good at what he does. So hearing an authority figure (the type of person I've learned to fear because I'm never good enough) tells me I'm not one of the qualities I fucking FIGHT for...I broke.

But this story isn't why I wanted to post it. Yeah I could rant about the rude manager and the customers and that dumb "customer is always right" mentality (which they could prove wrong if they just looked up the security footage for the rude lady!)

No I'm here because when I got home from working 2-11...bordering tears and panic all day and sweatier than anyone living in Arizona right now...I hopped in the bath for a soak and to give myself time to heal from the long arduous day.

My mind has been full of intrusive thoughts about my worth and how I broke my streak of being clean from self harm and how that makes me a coward. That kind of joyous stuff.

I sat up to get my phone to text my friend and saw that my knee (where my injury is) was covered in bubbles.

I don't know why...but that means a lot to me right now. Like...I'm taking care of myself after probably the worst day I've had since my dad died. I'm taking time to heal. I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my soul after a long and painful day. And it felt like for a moment, the universe understood that looking at my wound hurt me as much as the wound itself hurt. It wanted me to not dwell on it.

Obviously this isn't a magic "I'm no longer depressed" moment but for me, seeing the bubbles...a sign (at least to me) of trying to take care of myself masking the pain of my depression and anxiety.

Today has been a very tough day for me with a lot of manic episodes and a lot of depressive ones, and though I can wear the face that I'm okay...it cracked a lot today and I let my ugly side seep out. And seeing the bubbles covering my wound I deadass cried about it, y'all.

This tells me that even on your worst days, taking care of yourself and trying to find time to recover can help you to heal. And I wanted to post this because I think this story might help someone. Even just one person. Maybe even just myself someday when out of the blue I check my (very small) tag for original posts.

The TLDR of this is that this occurence kind of showed me that taking care of yourself...even in tiny, seemingly insignificant ways, can really help you to not dwell on pain as much.

And before someone hijacks this and says this won't apply to everyone...I know. But I hope someone sees this image of bubbles on a goddamn kneecap and thinks to themselves that they ought to take better care of themselves after a bad day. After a relapse. After feeling so defeated you considered suicide. Consider healing. Consider trying to help yourself, even just in one small way.

That's about all I have to say other than "fuck I work the next three days and I'm not stoked to go fake a smile as a cashier for 27 more hours even if I'm being paid"

[animentality]

Sometimes I get tired of the Tumblr tiptoe around everything

Tumblr culture revolves around restraint and trying to never hurt anyone's feelings ever, even if it means not telling them something they need to know, or saying something ugly that's simply true and needs to be addressed and analyzed as such.

Sometimes I just can't stand the constant deluge of people trying to be saints and moral advocates for everything ever because it's overwhelming to have "internet activists" out here waving their pamphlets and catchy slogans and snarky liberal one liners at all times, trying to get your attention.

If you reblog this post about women's rights, every woman everywhere will get rights.

Oh please reblog this post, I'm a trans woman of color and I need to make a point to my dad.

Please donate to my GoFundMe, I poorly managed my funds this month and I'm poor and I really need the help, capitalism suuucks!

Like there are elements of Truth in all of these things.

But there are also people who are fucking stupid.

People who use their claimed labels as some kind of boon against criticism and honesty.

I personally hate any post that asks for money, even the worst of sob stories.

Because I don't send money to people I don't know, because I don't have enough inherent trust in people to believe every sad story they tell me while inching towards my wallet.

You really can't know their sad story is the truth, and you just hope it is.

But you don't know.

And even if it is true, well, I'm not a catholic anymore and I don't think much of that starfish story.

You'll find your own solutions to problems in your own life.

And if you don't, I'm sorry. This world is terrible.

But there are always personal failures that contribute to the situation you're in.

Tactical mistakes.

And I

So many of you have this imagined world where being a "good person" is universal and people simply choose to be bad people and that element of choice makes others irredeemably bad.

It's fucking exhausting.

Trying to keep up with the "who can be more progressive" race.

Sometimes I can't stand overly PC culture because there's so much more substance to the human experience than this new societal fear of stepping on someone else's toes and being branded a racist for it.

It's rooted in a lack of knowledge a lot of the time, which is the most frustrating part.

White people are PC because if they say something offensive due to actual ignorance, and not just being a dick who makes no attempt, then they'll be branded a racist forever.

Not because they believe in racial equality but because racism became a kind of moral game for them.

Because racism is no longer in vogue, nor publicly anyway.

We no longer say race is a biological fact.

Now we say it's cultural, and that makes it easier for white people to ignore and dismiss.

It also makes racism more hidden.

And that's why I really dislike PC culture. It's really just an excuse.

It's another form of hiding the ugly truth about racial relations, it's being afraid of admitting how ugly and bizarre human thoughts are.

Let people say how they truly feel in the way they want to so we can fucking address it.

Letting people stew with their shitty ass opinions and non PC thoughts is what drives them to form their little asshole white supremacy websites.

I mean.

I have manic depressive highs and lows and have been struggling with it for three years.

It's only recently become really bad, though.

And it comes with a lot of intrusive thoughts and annoying banging.

I find myself often thinking about how humans cling to this moral order they've constructed, this universal, "natural" hierarchy of very good and very bad.

Because where's my head at?

It's usually in a swamp somewhere, rotting away and fixating on anything that upsets me.

And where does it lead me?

Into a cesspit of human emotions and raw feelings with no consideration for what's acceptable to say in the liberal community and what's not.

So yes I just get plain sick of Tumblr culture.

The "call outs," the PSAs, the "you're so valid, we all love each other" fake positivity.

"you matter, you're so special, every one of us is special, keep working and you'll achieve your dreams, all positive vibes :)))))," am I the only one who gets sick of that?

Maybe it's just mental illness making me bitter, but maybe it's my personality that just instinctively dislikes this clean "enlightened" form of humanity from time to time.

It's a little uncanny valley for me.

Like you're all smiling at me so hard your lips are curling on your teeth.

And any second you're going to snap and spring at me and catch my throat with your canines.

It's unsettling for me, but perhaps that's my paranoia.

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe the rest of you feel completely mentally healthy and not fucked up, and the positivity helps or something.

But for me personally.

Well my medicine seems to be honesty and something harsh. Something ugly and raw and realistic and sour, but just passionate enough to drag me away from self imposed isolation.

It's why I've been praying for a movie that accurately represents my intrusive thoughts and the real inherent love for contradictions and ugliness that humans wish they could deny.

But I've yet to get it.

And here on Tumblr, I've yet to find anyone who says what needs to be said.

[beautifullychaoticworld-blog]

I might have a pituitary tumor and was just wondering what treatment looked like for you?

Were you diagnosed with it?

I was put on a medication called cabergoline (there are others but cabergoline works best), however it had really strong side effects which last for a long time (3 years for me) until I got adjusted to it. I take two halves of the pill twice a week so it brings my prolactin levels back to normal levels and shrinks the tumor, instead of getting surgery done.

I was put on an antidepressant Citalopram (helps with depression and anxiety) to go with the side effects of cabergoline which I stopped after a year or something (it actually helped to slow to down my racing and intrusive negative thoughts). I remember going to a counselor in the beginning (since a pituitary tumor is close to the brain it affects your mental health a bit but I didn't even expect I had a tumor close to the brain when I first went but it was found by my doctor soon after I started going to a counselor) and the counselor said I needed CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) or talk therapy which I never went on to try. The funny thing is that cabergoline side effects were making me manic and bipolar for a quite a bit, also highly energetic... I even remember hallucinating and having delusions in the beginning of drinking cabergoline... and I had seizures as if I have epilepsy... 

I get an MRI scan done once a year or even less to measure if the tumor is shrinking or if it's there at all before being put on cabergoline.

I get blood tests done for my prolactin and TSH levels (they found that my TSH levels in my thyroid were too high but it wasn't as damaging as having high prolactin levels) every 3 to 6 months. I take Levothyroxine for my TSH levels.

When I see my endocrinologist she checks my thyroid and weight as well. She asks if my mental health is okay too and if I'm getting regular periods now (since high prolactin levels causes you to lose your menstrual cycle for years and it lowers your libido). I had very big problems with weight gain from prolactinoma but it seems like I have a yo-yo effect (when I lose weight I gain it back). I go to the gym to stay in shape and shake off all the energy that cabergoline gave me but still find it hard to lose weight.

According to my endo I can go and get pregnant now since prolactinoma makes people infertile and have a lack of libido but due to being unlucky in love, I don't have a stable partner so I find myself engaging in risky casual sex instead while on cabergoline (sorry if it's a bit TMI but your sex drive is part of the medical condition and treatment)... However she has prescribed me birth control (Jazz) that goes with my medication if I don't wanna get pregnant. My endo tells me if I need to prolong my intake of cabergoline...

If I get pregnant I have to stop the medication because it harms the baby, but maybe the tumor could grow back... some women on social media that I followed said that after childbirth (they are married unlike me), the tumor grew back : (

I was told that a pregnant woman shouldn’t be sick during her pregnancy and shouldn’t be on medication because of the damage to the unborn baby and to the mother’s health... she should be healthy when she is pregnant and giving birth... unless you were really trying to get pregnant... but I would advise people to not risk the mother and the baby’s health at once.

Edit: I also used to go get a few echocardiograms for the heart, to check if cabergoline side effects were affecting my heart valves badly. Considered going to a neurologist but me and my family thought it wasn’t necessary. Consulted with a neuro-surgeon about getting surgery done... They check my eyesight sometimes because it could cause losing your vision.

That's all I can think of for now in terms of my treatment. I don’t need brain surgery for this as it's not big enough (they cut it out with an endoscope that they put through the nose and it looks similar to having a lobotomy done...) I heard that after surgery it could grow back too so it seems like it's best for me to be on the medication to shrink it and lower my prolactin levels. Maybe will be on it for life.

[velvetv0nblack]

Hi, I happend to find your page. I'm sorry to hear about you suffering from a chronic illness, I myself suffer from a chronic illness, it's not easy is it ? Mines caused me to suffer badly from depression as well. Been having some dark days lately, hope you you cope with yours ? I'm trying to stay positive, but it's so hard. Plus other people don't always help.

Being chronically ill means inevitably you’re going to suffer with chronic fatigue, and you’re generally more likely to have a predisposition to mental illness. It’s pretty normal for depression to manifest in people who are constantly ill and in pain, but it’s important to recognise when you’re in a depressive episode or feeling situational depression. Now feeling shit about your life because you can’t live it to the full, that’s a given and I feel like this a lot even when I’m manic, I suffer with bipolar type two cause you’re new here maybe that needs clarifying. But actually falling into a depressive episode is a totally different thing, it is that dark raincloud and intrusive thoughts, it is the mental illness depression; like I said being chronically ill you’re likely to of been born with a predisposition to becoming mentally ill, and it’s really important that you try and do as many NORMAL things to keep yourself from falling into that pit of despair. Lacking the ability to carry out basic tasks, and generally live a normal life physically will effect you mentally, you will feel “useless”, and if you’re suffering with depression as well this is a perfect storm. Try and keep yourself busy with things you can do without using much energy, especially if it’s something creative. Write, draw, paint, sew, read. Just try and keep your mind active. Take long baths, get bath salts and candles, face masks, anything, pamper yourself. Just because you’re ill doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy these things and treat yourself. Plan things you want to do and save them for days you are feeling able to do them, give yourself things to look forward too. Also find a person, a friend, you can talk to without judgement, it’s usually best that it’s not someone super close to you, they’re not always going to be helpful, their emotions are involved if they love you, and care about you, and it does hurt them too, especially when they feel like they can’t help. Try and have company and keep friends who don’t mind sitting about and watching films with you, chatting shit and drinking coffee/tea, they are the real MVP.

If you can access a therapist, I’m not sure where you live or your financial situation it’s unfortunately not an option for everyone, do so. My inbox is always open when it comes to things like advice/support (or just a bitch) about mental health/chronic illness the best I can. I’m just getting through day by day like you.

[cheetahleopard]

!!! This! I'm schizoaffective bipolar type and I've been completely ignored and had everything brushed off as anxiety! It's gotten to the point that I went in to a cardiologist and was told that "managing your anxiety is recommended" to make whatever is happening worse because I was put on a take-as-needed anxiety medication 3 years ago that I only took once! (It was prescribed because I took it that once- I was manic and experiencing catatonia in a mental hospital rocking back and forth for hours in front of the nurse's station and they gave me it and when I asked what it was they said "it'll help you sleep") (I'm still pissed about it bc I thought it was genuinely like melatonin or smth and they didn't tell me it was anxiety medication which. Illegal)

I tried to switch antipsychotics and my psychiatrist said "I didn't know you experience hallucinations" even though it's half of what I talked about everytime I saw her because she brushed it off as anxiety-induced intrusive thoughts! She completely would brush off all of my mood symptoms as being high-strung nervous! When I first started to see her I was having daily panic attacks and so even though I hadn't had one for years and have said as much she'd still ask every time I saw her if I was having fewer panic attacks! She wouldn't have treated my mood symptoms at all if I hadn't requested an antipsychotic! Which is also a mood stabilizer!

(I have a different psychiatrist now)

Argh sorry for the rant this just hit ya know

Not to be a shit head on main but really am getting tired of specific posts made by bipolars for other bipolars getting hijacked by people starting their replies off with "I have depression and anxiety" 👁️👄👁️ on god understand that these experiences are different Blease Your Foot Is So Far In Your Mouth