#sorry! well done if you read it all

[mamawasatesttube]

the whole "jason rules crime alley and none of the other bats are allowed there!!1!" thing is so funny like. tim LITERALLY lives in the theater where bruce's parents died,

[lemongogo]

they should get to kill each other at least twice .i think

[inkly-heart]

please don’t be sad little sprout, you are loved 🌱 🖤

🌱

[hamletshoeratio]

Apparently, Eloise is a mean girl and is not a girls' girl???

[cluescorner]

I cannot imagine being a Damian stan right now. You've got both Zdarsky's bullshit (where he clearly doesn't give a shit about your boy) and The Boy Wonder (where Juni Ba clearly gives so many shits about your boy) coming out on the same day. The whiplash must be insane. I hope y'all get some nice warm soup for your efforts jfc

[clowningaroundmars]

Hobie1610 pt. 3

part 3 has finally arrived!!! at a faster rate than part 2 but a bit of a wait nonetheless lol

not entirely sure how long this lil story will go on for but hope y'all are enjoying this ride regardless, whether it ends on the next part or in 3 more chapters ldfjkdhf

in this installment: thrilling action, a high stakes chase, and we get to learn more abt our beloved hobie jones! yippee!

>pt. 1 here<

>pt. 2 here<

>pt. 4 here<

♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧♤♧

By some miracle, Hobie did not mention the suit to Miles once they started texting semi-regularly.

Unfortunately, they also couldn't really make their lunch date (date? God, get it together, Morales. It is not a date…) as soon as Miles would have liked, due to a million different things getting in the way of them setting a solid day aside to chill together.

Just his luck, of course.

But in the hallways, Hobie actually deigned to give Miles a passing smile every now and then. They didn’t ever get to hang out like they did for those precious few moments on the first day of school, but Miles didn’t feel the crushing weight of guilt every time he saw Hobie in his same classroom anymore. What a relief!

So Miles was mostly okay with how things were going anyhow, even if the hangout ended up falling through and they both decided not to go in the end. He was able to patrol and do his homework in blissful peace for the first time in months.

… Kind of.

That look on Hobie’s handsome face as he looked down past Miles’ coat collar though…

That still ate away at an anxious part of Miles’ brain whenever he had the time to sit down and really let his worries manifest.

No time to think about that now, though. Miles was suited up again on a school night, hoping to get at least an hour’s worth of patrolling in before security at Visions noticed he was absent from his dorm room. He hoped Ganke would be able to cover for him like he always did.

It was yet another cold evening out in New York City, and Miles was steadily covering the edges of Brooklyn, heading towards Manhattan to do a quick sweep through Central Park like he did on occasion. There was always something going on in Manhattan, especially during the evening.

Miles decided it wouldn’t hurt to take a quick peek before calling it a night and heading back to Visions.

So away he went-- now fully in his Spiderman element-- vaulting and soaring over buildings, showing off every now and then by doing silly flips and tricks mid-air for the opportunistic New Yorkers looking to snap their Spiderman Sighting of the day. A little social media promo never hurt anyone, after all…

Spiderman finally swung down onto a tree branch on the western side of the park from a street lamp and was just about to lower himself down as inconspicuously as he could, before immediately feeling the tingling electricity of his Spider Senses race up and down his spine, giving him the usual headache along with it.

He crouched down quietly on a branch and watched as a familiar lanky figure streaked across the path underneath him onto the grass and beyond.

Whoever this runner was, he was fast. And hot on his trail was a gang of burly bumbling assholes cursing up a blue streak as they gave chase.

Spiderman’s eyes stayed glued to the fast runner like they were a lifeline. His senses honed in on the person and he erupted out of the leaves of the tree with one mighty leap, sailing through the air to shoot a web out and swing his way on over to the excitement.

Several joggers, people walking dogs after work, and mothers with baby carriages exclaimed and shouted as they were barreled into by the gang of men trying to keep up with their moving target. The runner didn’t seem to be giving up, though, as their long legs sent them flying over bushes and rocks and lounging people as gracefully as a ribbon in the air.

It was indeed getting dark soon again, but the darkness didn’t really affect Spiderman’s senses at all. His mask helped him fine-tune his powerful vision and anticipate the runner’s next moves.

It looked as though they were trying to make their way up towards the Great Lawn from Cedar Hill, but whether the person was planning to make a break for the now-empty Delacorte Theatre or the Metropolitan Museum Of Art… or beyond? That was the million dollar question.

Spiderman didn’t want to lose the person in case they happened to just be a petty thief, since that would be a quick and easy problem to fix. But as he silently chased down the runner alongside (and unbeknownst) to the gang, his suspicions gave way to some other... ideas.

Namely, that the runner seemed young, a bit too young for someone to be pissing off this many fully-grown gang members.

He pushed through his confusion and made a break for the theatre the second he guessed that the runner was pivoting in that direction.

The trees were getting thicker the closer they got to the Belvedere Castle and Spiderman eventually resorted himself to hoofing it, mindful of sticking to the shadows of the foliage that surrounded them on all sides.

He was super grateful now more than ever that his suit happened to be his signature sleek black and red, rather than the tacky and hyper-visible reds and blues of many of his Spider counterparts (sorry Peter!)

Once he confirmed that the suspicious target was indeed planning on hiding in the bleachers of the massive amphitheatre, he shot up a web to hoist himself into the infrastructure from the tall stadium lights. From there, he positioned himself a bit closer to the fray, hearing the loud and heavy boots of the gang following the runner, not far behind.

Then, he squinted into the dusk as he watched one of the entrances from his perch up high... and almost choked on his own saliva!

In comes none other than Hobie Motherfucking Jones, streaking down several steps like a shooting star, clutching onto… something tucked under one of his arms. He was breathless, panting loudly, and heading straight for the Belvedere Lake.

Upon hearing the heavy bootfalls get ever closer with every passing second, it seemed that Hobie got the idea to attempt a last-minute juke by throwing himself underneath the stairs that faced the lake, tucking himself as tightly as he could under the massive stage at the center.

Spiderman watched all of this happening with wide eyes, holding his own breath in. He prayed that the ugly thugs didn’t see Hobie’s sneaky last-second move, but climbed up high onto the stadium lights and prepared to swing down anyhow, just in case.

What was Hobie even doing here, out at this hour? And what the hell did he manage to steal that was so important to these men anyways? It was quite a chase they were caught up in, running nearly two entire miles all the way up to the amphitheatre just to catch him, and that was only from what he could see when he swung into action.

The group split up and pulled out flashlights, determinedly searching the bleachers and corners as best they could while the sky rapidly darkened above them.

From right below the webbed crime-fighter, Hobie poked his head out from the shadows and took a peek.

No, no, duck back down! Spiderman wanted to shout, but he couldn’t.

No one knew he had followed them and he was safe high above the action where he balanced himself on the metal bars that housed the bulbs. His muscles tensed as the bright beam of light from one guy’s flashlight swept a little too close to Hobie’s head. Damnit.

Spiderman couldn’t just sit there all day! He had a friend to save, stolen item be damned!

He rechecked his web shooters furtively and took aim.

He set his sights on another stadium light pole across from the stage, figuring that if he was quick and agile enough, he could time his swing well enough to scoop Hobie up from where he was hidden and avoid any detection. Hopefully.

Seemed like a solid enough plan though, until Hobie just. Shot out from his hiding place all of a sudden, the heels of his boots rapping loudly against the cement and echoing all around the stage as he made a beeline for the lakefront.

Shit!!!

Miles wanted to kill him. Those guys didn’t even suspect he was hiding where we was in the first place!

... Okay, plan B!

Spiderman’s brain whirred at breakneck speeds as he watched the thugs exclaim loudly and give chase yet again, this time much closer to Hobie than they ever were before.

Without thinking, he swung down from his perch and bowled over a couple of men in his haste to simply just… grab Hobie like a damsel in distress and fireman-carry him back around the gang to get a good line of web onto a nearby pole.

The men all cursed and shouted in surprise of course, flashlight beams waving around everywhere.

One of them even yelled, “what the hell was that?!” like a character in one of his dad’s favorite cheesy slasher movies.

Spiderman was too fast for them, a black blur simply whizzing by as he grabbed Hobie and hoisted the both of them up into the air with a mighty leap. Hobie yelped in surprise, grunting from the effort, and seemed to let whatever he stole slip out of his hands which then clattered loudly onto the ground below.

The thugs rejoiced then, shaking fists at Hobie and his rescuer as they flew up to the top of a tree and detached themselves so they could fall onto the stadium light opposite from Spiderman’s initial hiding spot.

Spiderman didn’t stop until he attached another web up to the lights and dangled there for a bit. Adrenaline still coursed through his veins as he shifted Hobie off of his shoulders and let him slide slowly onto his side, his friend’s wiry arms clutching him tightly.

They both watched with rapt attention at the goings-on several feet below them.

The thugs congregated around the fallen item, picking it up and turning it this way and that. It looked like a briefcase, though with the low lighting it really could’ve been anything. It was only when one of them-- the biggest and burliest of them all-- shouted out another colorful swear word that Hobie then seemed to come back to himself again.

He squeezed Spiderman’s shoulders with his arms and kicked at him. They swung a bit from the wiggling.

“Ouch!” Spiderman hissed, as quietly as he could. He was hoping the dark dusk would conceal their position now as long as they made No Noises, but even that wasn’t guaranteed.

“Go, go, go, go, man! Let’s get out of here!!” Hobie hissed right back into his ear, his face mere centimeters away from Spiderman’s mask.

Spiderman stubbornly ignored the heat radiating out from his face at that realization and jerked this way and that, looking for an easy escape from their conundrum.

Flashlight beams danced around the ground before finally swinging up to the trees and catching sight of a pair of shoes dangling in the sky.

The biggest and meanest one of the bunch pulled something out of his pocket and took aim.

Bullet! Spiderman’s senses screamed into his cerebellum.

“Goddamn,” he huffed ruefully as the shots rang out. Hobie panicked. “Bullets for us? That’s a little harsh, isn’t it?”

Hobie clung onto his hero for dear life. “Brother, if you do not get a move on from here, we are both gonna get turned into fish filets!” He shouted into Spiderman’s ear.

“Ow. Okay,” Spiderman grumbled, sticking himself to the side of the pole they dangled from and readjusting Hobie so that he clung onto his back instead.

He took a deep breath and narrowly dodged a bullet that whizzed unnervingly close to their heads. Hobie yelled again.

“Okay, okay, okay,” Spiderman began, speaking quickly. “Hold on, okay? Hold on tight. Just hold on and do not let me go for even a second!”

“On it!” Hobie shouted back, legs kicking a bit before wrapping themselves tightly around Spiderman’s torso.

They both took a breath and then Spiderman jumped, gaining some air before twin webs erupted from his web shooters-- aimed directly towards the seating area entrance.

Together, he and Hobie rocketed from their airborne position towards their escape route once the fluids connected to solid architecture. To his credit, Hobie only whimpered a little bit through the ride.

The thugs had no chance! They stumbled on tired, aching legs towards the very door the two teens had left out of, complaining and cursing some more as they searched through the steps and made their way out onto the theatre’s general admission and concessions area.

They searched and searched through the bushes and trees, going so far as to even check the sculptures near the structure.

After several tense moments of gruff shouting back-and-forth, the search eventually died down until only a couple of the men were left sweeping the area once more. The others had already given up their fruitless endeavor and called it a night.

“Fucking kids, man. What the hell,” Spiderman heard one of them grumble before kicking at the Romeo and Juliet statue angrily and following the rest of his cohorts down the path towards the Great Lawn again.

Hobie and Spiderman let out matching sighs of relief then, happy to have given the men the slip by managing to hide behind the giant 3D Delacorte Theatre sign right above the box offices. Lucky for them, most people don’t think to search behind lit-up signs, so they went completely undetected.

“… Wanna let me know what you were doing here this whole time? You could’ve gotten killed!” Spiderman breathed. He wanted his tone to be sharper, more authoritative… but he was just so glad to see his new friend still in one piece instead of riddled with more holes than a chunk of swiss cheese!

Hobie scoffed, tucking a loc behind his ear and sitting back. Thanks to the lighting of the sign and the other park lights in the area, Spiderman could see him digging around in his coat pocket and fishing out-- a USB drive?

Hobie held it up triumphantly, sleepy down-turned eyes glistening with pride.

“I got it! Suckers! Screw them by the way, I’m not the thief, if that’s what you’re wondering,”

Well. He was sneaky, alright. Spiderman had to hand that to him, at the very least.

He sat back on his heels as well and exhaled. “Fine. I believe you. What’s on that drive?”

Hobie squinted at him then, really giving him a good once-over now that the excitement had officially died down. “…Damn. You’re Spiderman,”

“Yeah, yeah. Hey, hi, nice to meet you, I’m your friendly neighborhood Sp-- ugh, seriously man, just tell me what all of that was back there or else I’m webbing you up and calling the cops.”

“Hey!” Hobie objected. “Like I said already, I’m the good guy here. I snagged this from those guys because I caught them snoopin’ around the museum over that way. I followed them and found out they were stealing this!”

Spiderman bobbed his head. “Okay? And what’s on it?”

Hobie turned the drive over a bit in his hands, admiring it. “Most likely? Security codes, schedules, maps. I’ve been uh… investigating those dudes for a while after watching them sniff around the museum for a few days now. It looks like they were just art thieves plannin' a heist, so I jumped on the opportunity to deliver justice myself.”

Hobie’s mischievous grin was met by Spiderman’s disapproving stare.

“And why didn’t you just call security and let them know? Like I said, super dangerous thing you did back there! If I wasn’t there to save you, you could’ve died, man.”

Hobie pocketed his USB drive again and rolled his eyes. “Y’know, for a vigilante hero with cool superpowers, you sure are a square.”

Spiderman sat up and placed a hand on his chest, feigning hurt. “Oof, ow. That’s mean,”

“Yeah, it is, but you know I’m right. If a kid like me walked up to some cops and tried to warn them of a possible art heist, you just know those pricks’ll laugh in my face and do literally nothing about it. I had to take matters into my own hands!” Hobie jutted his chin out defiantly.

Well. Couldn't really argue with that, especially considering PDNY’s less-than-stellar track record of taking preventative measures most times. All that they would most likely do is nod along to whatever Hobie was telling them and chuckle, shaking their heads as they walk away. Not their problem.

Spiderman rubbed his chin. “Point taken," he conceded. "So what’s your plan now?”

Hobie glanced around, as if he was checking for any eavesdroppers. “I’m gonna submit some photos to a journalist I met online before turning this in back to the museum. The journalist’ll help get those guys behind bars once a story's published and some actual adults talk to the cops. I am going to go collect my reward,”

Spiderman blinked. He had a bunch of questions swimming in his head, but the first question out of his mouth was, “what reward?”

“The reward for turning in precious security info, genius!” Hobie tapped at his forehead with a finger and grinned. “If I get to negotiate with them, I can get some money to save up and-- uh. Nevermind. Listen, are you gonna rat me out or not?”

Miles’ brow creased behind his mask. “… I don’t think I will. Sounds like you’re doing the right thing… mostly.”

Hobie cheered silently. “Yes! Okay, I take it back, Spidey. You are cool!”

Spiderman sighed. “But first, I need to know you’re gonna be safe. Like, actually, and that you’re not gonna get followed home.”

Hobie shrugged nonchalantly and pushed more locs out of his face again. “Yeah, you can walk me home if you want,”

“No, that’s not what I mean. I mean, that’s not the only thing I mean. I need you to promise me that you’re not gonna get into stupid stunts like this again. That was so dangerous and you really could’ve gotten hurt!”

Hobie exhaled as well. He stared intensely into the mask’s giant white lenses for a beat, making Spiderman shift uncomfortably.

Then, he held up his pinkie. “… Fine. I won’t do stupid shit like this again. I promise.”

Spiderman blinked a few more times and hooked his pinkie onto Hobie’s. “Uh. Okay, cool! Cool, that’s what I wanna hear, considering keeping New Yorkers safe is my job! I just wanna see you safe, that’s all. No more art heists, you gotta leave that to the professionals to handle,”

“What, professionals like you? You might’ve not even gotten to them in time before they snuck off with like millions of dollars worth of art, bro.”

“Anyone ever tell you you are just so mean? Dontcha have a little faith in me? The ‘vigilante hero with cool superpowers’?” Spiderman shot back.

They both laughed.

“Seriously, though. I do appreciate the fact that you saved my ass back there,” Hobie admitted, eyes cast downwards for a second. “I was actually gonna throw this thing into the lake and hope this drive got eaten by like… a fish or something.”

“And what about you?” Spiderman smiled despite himself.

“Well,” Hobie shrugged. “If I died, I died. I guess,”

It was Spiderman’s turn to scoff now. “You have a family, man. Don’t be ridiculous. You have friends and family that would miss you!”

Hobie’s expression turned dark, his entire face shadowing for a second before being replaced by cool detached nonchalance. A slight hint of annoyance stayed put underneath.

“… My family’s barely my family. I don’t have any friends, either. Don't worry about me.” Hobie admitted in a clipped tone. He stood up abruptly and started doing some casual stretches.

Spiderman stood up as well, knowing fully well how this song and dance was going to go.

He would never admit it out loud, but he’d seen his fair share of self-destructive citizens throwing themselves into the middle of danger in the short time he’d been doing this whole vigilante thing. He had talked many a melancholy or manic person from tossing themselves off of multiple different buildings, different bridges, stopped them from “falling” onto train tracks.

And as loath as he is to admit it, this Hobie’s particular brand of cool detachment was entirely too familiar to him as well.

A flash of his uncle Aaron’s face lit up a part of his brain that he hadn’t really allowed himself to acknowledge since that fateful day. He quickly stamped that out.

He cleared his throat and rubbed at his neck. “… Well. That sounds pretty depressing, man.”

He didn’t notice Hobie’s shoulders hitch at that phrase.

“But,” Spiderman continued, “You got people out here who care about you, even if you don’t know it. You’re still so young, you could be ending your life before you even meet, like, your favoritest person in the whole world, right? So just do me a quick favor, take care of yourself. For me. Live long enough to meet your favorite person, alright?”

Spiderman put on his best comforting expression that he could despite the mask most likely getting in the way of Hobie fully seeing it. He hoped his words were enough to convince him not to dive off the deep end, at least not anytime soon.

It seemed to work at least a little bit, because Hobie looked back at him with a much warmer-- albeit hesitant-- expression.

“Can I ask you something?” Hobie finally said after a few moments of silence.

“Uh, sure.” Spiderman replied.

“Do you know about a kid named Miles Morales at all?”

The air was sucked out of Spiderman’s lungs right then as he floundered like a fish for a minute, brain working into overdrive to make his answer sound both intelligent and convincing.

“U-uh, maaaybeee? I dunno, I meet a lot of New Yorkers everyday and I don’t get many names, yanno? S-sounds familiar, but sorr--”

“I knew it,” Hobie exhaled a laugh and surged forward to embrace Spiderman with both arms.

Spiderman stood frozen in his place, arms held in mid-air as he worked to process this.

“Uh. What--”

Spiderman felt Hobie’s chin dig into the side of his cheek a little as he turned his lips to his ear. “Your secret’s safe with me, by the way. I’m not telling anyone,”

Miles felt his whole world turn on its axis before shattering completely.

Oh no, no, no, no, no! Goddamnit!

Miles pushed Hobie off and stepped back, holding his hands up. “Oh hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. I dunno what you’re thinking or who you think I am, but--!”

Hobie sighed loudly. “Miles, I saw your suit.”

The world screeched to a halt.

Hobie picked his gaze back up off of his feet and even seemed apologetic, almost. “I, uhm. Like, back on the roof. At Visions. I wasn’t… a hundred percent sure I saw it, since it could’ve been any logo at all, but. Well, you’re a pretty bad liar too, y’know that, right?”

Miles sucked in a slightly shaky breath, gulping loudly. “Uh. W-well,”

Hobie smiled shyly. “You, uh… you’re like around the same height as Miles Morales, anyways. And you sure sound a lot like him, too.”

Damn. Damn it all.

Miles spun this way and that, placing his hands atop his head as he panicked slightly. “H-Hobie, you cannot tell anyone else about this, whatsoever. Do you understand? No one. At all. Or we’re both dead!”

Hobie held his hands up, lines creasing in his face. “Look bro, you’ve got secrets of mine too. We pinkie promised, remember? I don’t break promises.”

Miles didn’t point out that the promise was so that Hobie would stop getting himself into stupidly dangerous situations, but he accepted it anyways, albeit reluctantly.

“D-do… do you actually, like actually promise me you’ll never breathe a word about this to anyone? Ever? At all?”

Hobie held up his right hand into the air, as if taking an oath. “I, MJ, solemnly swear to never breathe a single word to anyone about your super secret identity, so help me god.”

Miles planted his fists on his hip and shook his head. “Oh my god,” he exhales on a shaky laugh.

“Don’t you believe me? What would I have to gain by selling you out? Oh,” Hobie stops suddenly, perking up. “We could even work together! I got me my sweet camera and my extensive connects, man. Think about it!”

“No, no. Hobie. Stop that, man. I’m not putting you into any danger after I just saved your skinny butt. Spiderman doesn’t do sidekicks anyways,”

Hobie looked a bit put out, but shrugged anyways. “Well, I mean… think about it sometime. We could seriously take down criminal activity around here, if you’re down! And, uh. You do have my number,”

Miles looked up and took a deep breath. “Mmnyes, I do. I do have your number. That’s… I mean you’re not wrong about that. Listen, I think it’s getting pretty late and we should both be heading back home now, though.”

The corners of Hobie’s mouth curled up mischievously. “True, true. It is a school night, after all.”

Miles couldn’t stop grinning despite the heavy anvil that threatened to burst out of his chest. “Yep, yes it is! Okay, time to get you home now. C’mon, let’s go.”

Miles moved to step into Hobie’s space and carry him on his back again so he could lower the both of them down from the lip of the theatre roof.

But before that happened, he felt Hobie place a cold but strong hand on his shoulder, stopping him.

Miles looked up inquisitively and felt his breath catch in his throat as he felt those same hands slowly slide up the smooth spandex of his suit, up his shoulders, and then they stopped at his neck, at the seam of where his suit and mask met.

The entire thing probably only took a few seconds to do, but to Miles it felt like eons passed as he felt every single muscle twitch and the pulse beating underneath Hobie’s skin while he ran those fingers up his arms.

He was standing so close to him! Oh god!

The entire ordeal was unbearably intimate, and Miles could barely stop the shudder that wracked his body suddenly.

Hobie’s soft lips were slightly parted, the lighting of the sign next to them caught in the dark brown portals that were his eyes.

“U-uhm. Sorry, this is weird...” he mumbled quietly. But his hands didn't move.

All around them, crickets started their soothing chorus.

Here they were, right behind the giant lettering of the Delacorte Theatre, intertwined in each other’s arms on a cold night-- and Miles’ core body temperature has never felt hotter before. He felt like he could melt steel, the way this night was going. He didn’t know when his hands raised to grasp onto Hobie’s arms, but they must’ve done it of their own accord because Miles then felt himself squeezing softly onto Hobie’s biceps.

Slowly, painstakingly, and carefully… Hobie made his move.

Every centimeter of the mask being pushed up was accompanied by a soft look that asked-- no, it begged-- for permission to continue. His hands seemed to move on their own eventually, as he slid the mask up over the back of Miles' head and then eased it up off of his nose.

Hobie wore a soft look of determination then, that fully came into view again once Miles felt his mask slide right up off of his eyes. Hobie’s soft hands eventually fell away, mask in one hand, no sounds in the air except for the wildlife of the park starting to wake now that the night has officially fallen.

Miles wasn’t sure why he did, but he held his breath.

After a few seconds of appraising gazes from each other, pupils meeting pupils, exchanging a million words a second with just a few looks… Hobie grinned beautifully.

“Damn. There you are,”

Miles felt a plume of heat erupt from his gut and rush up to his face. “Uh. Hm, y-yep. Here I am,” he blinked back at Hobie with his big brown eyes.

Hobie had a look of pure joy on his face before it started to melt away suddenly. “You know… I should backstab you for abandoning me out of nowhere that one time, though… I really should...”

The moment collapsed like an undone web, a delicate thing now completely destroyed as Miles leaped up in indignation.

“Hobie!”

Hobie stepped back and laughed loudly. “Re-lax! I’m not gonna actually do it. But. Y’know.”

“And if you do, I’ll leave you webbed up to that billboard near Visions,” Miles threatened, mostly light-heartedly.

“Psshh, and then get my mom’s two million lawyers on your ass? Good luck,”

“As if they could ever catch me! I’m Spiderman!”

Just as easily as they had stepped out of being just kids for a moment, they stepped right back into it, bickering like they'd been friends since forever.

Miles lowered the both of them from the sign and they headed towards the eastern side of the park, making their way over to Hunter’s Gate. They bickered and bantered back and forth the entire way there, and it was only once they made it to the outer gates of the park that Miles stopped them both.

With his mask back on and other New Yorkers now milling nearby, Miles made it a point to lower his voice as he turned to Hobie and puffed his chest out heroically.

“So, random citizen. Where are we off to today? I told you I’d take you back home safely, and that’s what I’m gonna do.”

“’Cause you promised, right?” Hobie smirked, tucking his hands into his coat pockets.

“Uhm. Yeah, yeah. I did. So, lead the way!” Spiderman made a grand ushering gesture, and Hobie chuckled good-naturedly as he stepped aside and exited Central Park.

“You gonna walk me home, Spiderman?” Hobie threw him a side-long glance.

“Yyyeah…? Why? You’d rather swing home?”

“I liked swinging, actually. Yeah,” Hobie stopped where he was on the sidewalk and nodded with an air of finality. “Yeah… let’s swing!”

Spiderman felt his heart do a few somersaults in his chest before he gestured towards his shoulders. Hobie quickly assumed the position, long lanky arms wrapping around him and leaning his body weight against Spiderman’s side.

Spiderman shot up a web to a nearby street lamp and gave his friend one more glance.

“You sure?” He asked again, really making sure that Hobie was okay with this. Not many people really liked swinging, which was understandable. Even Miles wasn't the biggest fan of it at times.

Hobie chuckled and ignored the onlookers as they slowly ambled past the two, throwing the teens questioning glances as they made their way past them.

“Yeah, I am! Let’s go,”

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Miles: Do you actually actually really like on your LIFE promise that you’re not ginna tell a soul about… well…

Miles: gonna*

MJ: Yes, Miles. I PROMISE [eyeroll emoji]

Miles: I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE

MJ: Do you actually, though? ;)

Miles: No. But I can find out… I got connects

MJ: Uh huh. I’ll tell your “connects” that if you don’t take me out on that promised lunch date, our friendly neighborhood Spiderman just might be the next trending topic on ALL social media apps again very soon……..

Miles: Oh my god. You are Evil. I can’t believe this. My next arch nemesis… damn

Miles: What a killer plot twist. The greatest foe I have yet to face happens to be none other than one of my very own classmates

Miles: It be ya own people

From his family’s Lower Manhattan penthouse, Hobie laughs out loud as he reads the text messages, ignoring all of the curious glances thrown his way by various members of his team.

From Miles’ own humble dorm room at Visions, he laughs aloud as well.

[xxri]

maría for the ad astra zine! lc u will be missed T_T

[fallentheatre]

each other's world, torn apart

minecraft end poem as a conversation between two broken brothers.

(@hoverboards-and-dragons heyyyyy)

[liquidstar]

sleepovers save money on hotel rooms while on missions 👍

[phantomoftheorpheum]

The Umbrella Academy Season 4 Review/Critique

Fair warning- this is ridiculously long. If you expand this post and don't actually want to read it, it will be a pain in the ass to scroll through; I would advise against it.

Just to be 100% clear, these are my opinions and interpretations of the show. If you don't want to see criticism (and quite a lot of it) or read a pretty raw, unfiltered/unedited review of the season, this is not for you. This is a casual platform, so I tend to just let myself think out loud on these posts, meaning that I don't go back and heavily edit my thoughts. I may express ideas for the storylines that would need some refining, I'm generally just spitballing.

This is a very criticism heavy post, I have a lot of issues with this season, so if that will upset you, please just don't bother to read this. I will be tagging anti tags (due to the large amount of criticism I have for the show) for filtering purposes.

*** Spoilers for all 4 seasons of Umbrella Academy ***

Good Stuff First

I always like to start with my favorite stuff from the show, because usually if I am bothering to critique, it means I have a lot of criticisms, but I always want to acknowledge what the show does well before I start getting into what it does not do well.

Individual Characters & Dynamics - In particular, I thought Klaus's unique character voice was present and well written and the performance continued to be top notch (I have some criticisms about the actual storyline, but I think Robert nailed what he was given from an acting standpoint). Many of the specific dialogue and character dynamics felt consistent to earlier seasons, which can be difficult with such a wacky show. There are definitely some characters who were able to shine, regardless of what they were given.

Visuals/Sets - The show still looks as good as it ever has. It's never been groundbreaking cinematography, but you can feel the budget in the aesthetics of the show. It has been able to maintain this weird "almost our world, but not quite" reality in a visual manner since season 1. It has a distinct style and look. The sets largely feel big and textured and expansive, even when they're fairly simple. I like that we've at least glimpsed the house in every season.

Tone/Humor - The Umbrella Academy is weird. It has always been weird. It must be weird or else it would feel... bad weird? It does succeed in continuing to be weird AF. I like that the show isn't afraid to be incredibly strange. It is a show that swings big. The humor is still there. Humor is hard, and I think they hit more often than they miss.

Family Road Trip - The group dynamic, family bickering, montage effect of 4x02, etc. was one of the lighter and more enjoyable choices made in season 4. The bit of "annoying song stuck on a loop" that continued to crop up throughout the season worked for me.

Abigail Completely Failing at Being Gene - This is only a very small part of the season, but Nick Offerman playing an alien cloaked in a (very weird) human skin and very poorly pulling it off added some levity while it lasted.

Soundtrack - While I think there are fewer distinctly standout tracks for this season (but this is entirely a personal opinion, maybe others feel differently), the show's commitment to its distinctive sound and use of music is still solid. I particularly appreciated the callbacks to season 1, obviously I Think We're Alone Now, but also by selecting Dead To The World in 4x06 for Five (I prefer In The Heat Of The Moment as a song, personally, but the choice was very clever). This is a show that I genuinely like to go listen to the soundtrack of after the season, and I intend to do that with this season as well (except for the Christmas stuff, I am not a big Christmas songs person).

The Cast - This is related to point one, but I really think 99% of the cast did they best they could with the material they had to work with.

Despite all my criticisms, I still found myself sad to be at the end of the journey. And I think that says something about the strength of these characters. A perfect journey? No. But one I'm still glad that I took.

My Criticisms

I want to start by saying that if I bother to critique something, that means I believe it has enough potential to be worth discussing. If it didn't, I absolutely would not bother. So while I think this is going to come off quite harshly, it is coming from a place of "I love what this show can be when it's at its best, and here's how I personally think we could have been closer to its best."

A lot of times when I write up my thoughts about a show, I start with my most specific criticisms, and as I examine those, it points me to a bigger underlying issue. Sometimes I work the other way around, thinking about the larger elements I have criticisms of, then searching out examples. But in this case, either way, I find myself ending up at the same place with the same issue, and that issue (perhaps ironically for this particular show) is time.

I believe the largest issue with season 4 is time management, crafting storylines that are interconnected and therefore justify their screen time, and pacing. Yes, I have some criticisms that could not be fixed with better time management, but a lot of my issues lead back to this. Pacing is always a tricky element, is at the top of many criticism lists of many shows, and has been at the top of my list for several shows I reviewed this year. Pacing issues seem to be cropping up more and more with streaming service based shows on all platforms, and I don't think that's coincidental. But, imo, Netflix is our best example.

One of the greatest strengths of Netflix Originals, back when they first started, was the guarantee of a full season before a cancellation. Because they had no feedback on a show before producing and releasing an entire season, there were no early mid-season cancellations. This allowed writers a little more room to stretch out, knowing they wouldn't walk into work the next day and be told they have 2 or 3 episodes to wrap up a story, or worse, wake up to just no job at all. So while the seasons were shorter, the time was guaranteed. Many of Netflix's early properties, particularly if their first season was successful, were greenlit for multiple seasons at a time, a practice which has been all but abandoned (Bridgerton and Stranger Things have been afforded this luxury in recent years, but few other shows). But as Netflix (and other streaming services) got its legs under itself, it came to realize that there was more profit in producing the first season of many shows, then cancelling all but the most successful. This epidemic of unfinished stories has been spreading rapidly. Now, not only does Netflix have an extremely high cancellation rate and rarely renews a show for more than a season at a time, it has also been shortening seasons, bringing down production costs, and trying to minimize risk and maximize "safe" profits. Minimizing risk in favor of maximizing safe profits rarely results in good art. Which explains a lot.

And so, unfortunately, I think The Umbrella Academy is a casualty of this increasingly mercenary system. Not only was it forced to make creative decisions with the constant threat of "This could be the end, but you won't know it until after it airs, so it also has to work as not the end," during the first three seasons, but though it got warning of its final season, it received a limited run to complete the show. Now, I can't fault anyone for wanting to write each season as a possible ending, considering how often Netflix cancels shows. Is this smart? Yes. Is this also limiting? Yes. And shows like The Umbrella Academy, with universes that become increasingly complicated with increasingly detailed lore, suffer quite a lot when trying to contain a story to each individual season. And finale seasons are particularly difficult. Expectations are high. Netflix's production model gives audiences years to build up their anticipation for the finale. Too much time to think, to pick holes in what has already been created, to cool to something they were once passionate about. Delivering a genuinely satisfying finale under these circumstances would be a daunting task.

But with all that being said. Season 4 only has 6 episodes, and it somehow manages to waste so much time. I don't know what's in the water over at Netflix, because I don't know if anyone knows how to waste limited time like Netflix does. If it weren't so irritating, it would almost be impressive.

The truth is, very few of the main characters really matter to the overarching plot of the season, which is a very weird choice, particularly in a final season. It's basically Ben, Jennifer (who we barely know and just met), Hargreeves, Abigail, and tangentially Viktor. Five & Lila are basically completely taken out of play for an episode and a half, where their actions have practically no relevance to the main plot, and the critical information Five gets while using his "new" power could easily have happened without this storyline. Luther & Diego are similarly sidelined by the CIA storyline. And, again, Klaus & Allison are occupied with a side plot that removes them from the main conflict of the season and does not tie in to the finale.

I do not mind the centering of Ben & Jennifer for a season of the show in theory, but with only 6 episodes to tell this story, I think it was a stretch to believe they had the time to do this plotline justice and waste so much time elsewhere. I don't know if this was solely a me issue, but I just... didn't care about Jennifer. I mean, sure, I rooted for her in a passive "she seems nice" kind of way, but even by the end we barely know anything about her. I can live with a "cosmic connection" insta-love situation between Ben & Jennifer (not my favorite trope, but it can be okay), but just because Ben instantly connects with Jennifer, that doesn't mean the audience does. And, to make matters worse, this version of Ben is one that we don't know that well, anyway. Like... his defining character trait is that he's mean and angry. I didn't mind that in season 3, as he was new to us and at odds with our protagonists for most of the season, but we don't really learn much new about him in season 4, either. The bit of Ben's history that we get is from Umbrella Ben, not Sparrow Ben. And Sparrow Ben's personality and history isn't touched on. Why is he like this? It's never explored, not beyond the shallow "the Sparrow Academy wasn't raised as the family that the Umbrella Academy was" that was established in season 3. The fact that we know so little about this version of Ben makes it harder for me to connect with him, as well. So to center these two characters in the final season, and then not even give us scenes to flesh them out as individuals, it just feels like such a waste of time. It didn't need to be Ben and Jennifer. In fact, it very much felt like it was only Ben and Jennifer because everyone has always wanted them to tie "the Jennifer incident" into everything. Again, I think this plot could work fine if given the correct amount of screen time, but as it is, it feels rushed and shallow. We might care about Sparrow Ben (might), but we don't have much reason to care about Jennifer.

Lack of direction - There are only six episodes in this season! Every minute needs to be used wisely. This should be the most focused of all the seasons, every storyline streamlined to tie into the finale of the show. Which is the opposite of what we got. For the vast majority of the show, nothing Klaus or Allison does matters. Nothing Diego or Luther does matters. Nothing Five or Lila does matters. Sure, those storylines touch on individual character development, but when you're planning to kill everyone off in a couple hours anyway, why are we starting down unconnected character arcs that are destined to be left hanging? Every bit of interpersonal character development should be written in a way that ties into the finale plot of the show, so scenes can pull double duty and maximize the limited time available. What was the purpose of Lila and Diego fighting (other than to physically separate them)? What did they learn? How did they change or grow? They didn't. They are split apart, sent down different dead end roads, only to be gathered back up in time to die. They speak words of understanding, but we don't actually get to see them learn or put those changes into practice.

I think about it this way- if Lila and Five had gotten lost into the weird limbo subway system and we never saw what happened to them, and instead they just reappeared from that adventure for the finale, would that fundamentally change anything about how the show’s main plot plays out? No. It wouldn’t. If Klaus had stormed off in 4x03 and Allison had gone after him and we’d never seen either of them again until the finale, would that fundamentally change anything about how the show’s main plot plays out? No. It wouldn’t. If Diego and Luther had gotten their CIA passes and walked into that building and vanished from the story until the final episode of the show, would that fundamentally change anything about how the show’s main plot plays out? No. It wouldn’t. Even Viktor, who is directly addressing the main plot point of Ben & Jennifer’s connection becoming apocalyptic, has very little impact on that storyline leading up to the finale. He speaks to Ben once, he insists on trying to save Ben, and spends the rest of the time working through personal issues with his dad or being attacked in a sequence that has no consequences. The conflicts that these characters encounter have very little bearing on the physical events of the show (they get shot at, they escape. They fight, they escape. They are chased, they escape) and what are the specific consequences? There aren’t any. Viktor gets to use his powers to save Hargreeves and gets shot (I think??) doing it, but he’s fine, and it doesn’t change their approach or goals in any way. Five and Lila are trapped together for years and have a romantic relationship, but then they “go home” and it doesn’t lead to any of the characters deeply changing or acting notably differently in the following events (Five and Diego fight at a bad time, we get a funny reaction from the other siblings, etc. but it doesn't change anything) and then it is never truly resolved. Luther and Diego go to the CIA and this plot is used as a vehicle to reveal the villainy of Five’s boss (so??), but ultimately Luther and Diego get a big fight sequence, learn very little, and take up a lot of screen time for a reveal that could easily have happened in seconds. None of their actions in this storyline blatantly effects the outcome of the show. And Diego feels set up for some character work, but all it really leads to is him being like "I get it," and that change never getting a chance to be actionable. Allison and Klaus reconcile, but only after a lot of screen time is spent on another side quest. Do they really change as people from this story? We don't know because there's not enough time to see. This is clearly not a legit substitution for actually addressing the issues between them, but we don’t have time to do that, either. Not to mention, the conflict between Klaus and Allison isn’t some slow burn issue. It’s doesn’t exist before this season. What is the point of any of these plot lines? Why send Allison and Klaus off together to resolve issues that we only just found out exist, when Allison has canonically been estranged from all of her other siblings since the events of season 3? That is blatantly an unresolved issue, but instead of using her screen time to address her season 3 actions, they create a whole new issue for her and Klaus to fight and then reconcile about. Wouldn’t it be much more interesting to see Allison and Viktor work through their issues once and for all? Or to address all of the ways Allison betrayed Luther in season 3? What about Klaus reconnecting with this version of Ben? What about Luther working through being betrayed by his father? What about Diego and Lila actually being parents? What about really getting to see how this life that Allison sold them all out for isn't even the dream she thought it would be? What if, instead of getting a montage of Lila & Five’s romance, we got a montage of Jennifer and Ben finding and destroying each other in many different worlds? You want to sell me on this tragic, cosmic connection between them? Okay. Sell me on it. Make it hurt. 

Five - I'm just going to be brutally honest here- I believe Five is the strongest driving force of the show and his sidelining in season 4 was a huge mistake. Five might not be the emotional core of The Umbrella Academy, but he is absolutely central and critical to what has worked well in previous seasons. And yet, in season 4, he's pushed to the side and basically written out of the main plot for half of 4x04 and all of 4x05. And then, even when he is around, he's lost a lot of the elements that make him a fan favorite. Let's talk about that- in season 1, Five's return and his mission is where it all kicks off. Yes, technically the inciting incident is Hargreeves' death, but gathering the family without Five's arrival would have been useless and led nowhere. Five drives the entire plot of season 1, while the rest of the siblings get character arcs around him. He makes things happen. He withholds information from his siblings and from the audience. Without him moving the plot forward and tying things together, season 1 would have been a disjointed mess. In season 2, we follow Five's attempts to reunite the family and fix yet another doomsday. Again, he is the one that pushes the plot forward, while the other siblings wander down various other storylines (which is not to say that they are not involved and don't contribute, just that they don't move the plot along to the same degree). In season 3, Five attempts to "retire," but pretty quickly he's back in the thick of things in search of answers and solutions. He is set against Hargreeves in an intellectual face off and is ultimately the one who pieces together the hotel's puzzle. He also discovers that he is, essentially, his own nemesis and behind a lot of what happened in previous seasons (a storyline that feels like it had a lot more to give, possibly, but is abandoned and explained away as "something a version of him did in some timelines,"). But in season 4, Five is... Well, he's suddenly not that relevant. He starts out fine, undercover and attempting to infiltrate The Keepers, and he does push the initial plot forward with his investigation, but then he just drops off the map (literally and figuratively). Five, who has always been the character to seek out answers and the character the audience trails through the bigger plot points of the story, is suddenly out of play. Now we're watching him wander around the multiverse (presumably for an attempt at character development, which ultimately falls flat) where he learns nothing important and falls unconvincingly in love with his brother's wife for an episode and half. Why? Because... they didn't know what to do with him? Honestly, I can't explain why. Five's acerbic wit, his tendency to be one step ahead of the audience, his cockiness, the uncanny personality that is a quirk of being an old man trapped in a young man's body, his absolutely brutal and ruthless methods to protect his family, and his cool fight scenes, it all just vanishes. Suddenly, for the first time, he feels the age of the actor. He feels erased long before he literally is. After 3 seasons of him having one of the coolest powers that leads to some of the coolest scenes, we're suddenly in a world where everyone else has some useful version of their power, while Five's kind of sucks. And like his teleporting power only reappearing at the very end (spurred on to save Lila specifically, rather than his family, because ???), Five's personality is frequently missing. Which leads me to-

Five and Lila - This may be a controversial opinion, but in concept this could have worked. Am I mad at the idea that two characters who are stuck together for years with no one else as company might fall in love, even if they're an odd pairing? No. Like I said, it's okay in concept. But only in concept. In reality, there was neither the time, nor the necessary casting to make this storyline hit properly. Regardless of Five's character's age, or the fact that his actor is (technically) an adult now, this felt flat out wrong to watch. Not only does Five still very much look like a teenager (inevitable, as while Aidan has aged over the course of filming the show, the age of young Five would now, still, vastly outstrip his real age of 20), but we also know that Lila was introduced to him as a child. Lila and Five meet in season 2, in which he is (physically) still a 13 year old boy, while Lila is an adult woman (considering she has the same birthday as the rest of the Umbrella Academy, this would put her at approximately 30 years old at this time). Yes, the exact ages of these characters is a bit messy to track, but no amount of text on the screen telling me so many years have passed is going to allow me to forget this detail, which makes this whole situation, at best, deeply uncomfortable. The fifteen year age gap between the actors is incredibly evident, and this romance is ultimately completely unnecessary for them to evolve in the (frankly minimal) ways that they do. They also pretty brutally sacrificed Diego's character for this. All of Diego's negative traits are cranked up to 100 this season, while Lila's are generally turned down to a low simmer (until she nearly dooms everyone to a meaningless death). While I don't think their relationship being on the rocks, or either of their character's struggle to fit into domestic life, is a bad idea, I again find myself questioning what the point of this storyline was for this particular season. We don't get much of a conclusion. Diego is basically a buffoon all season, Lila is less blatantly fucked up most of the time and also somehow less likable for it, and Five feels out of place in this storyline. Why did we do this? As far as I can tell, it's because they didn't have any other ideas to keep these characters busy while the actual plot happens around them. That's really not a good reason to blow up a dysfunctional but well liked dynamic (Diego and Lila) and never even bother to mop up the blood. And that leads me to-

Lila - Just, in general, I found myself asking "who in the writer's room is ridiculously obsessed with Lila, because that is the only explanation for any of this." For example, Klaus names everybody's problems and can't think of any real issues for Lila?? LILA? Her erratic, risk taking behavior and serious mommy/family issues are the most intensely Lila thing about her?? This is what her entire character is built upon? Why are we acting like she's not been a complete wildcard for the last two seasons?? Her new power doesn't make any kind of sense. Everyone else basically got some version of their old power back (and we eventually learn that Lila does have that power back as well, despite wildly underusing it), but now she has laser eyes.... Because? Her inability to properly control the laser eyes is funny, but also doesn't make any sense. In previous seasons we see Lila quickly adapt to using new powers only moments after acquiring them. If there is any one single person in this whole show who should have adapted to a new power immediately, it would be Lila. And somehow, for some reason, they center Lila during the finale conflict. Everything rests on her decision to stay or go. On her connection to her family (despite us barely seeing her in a room with them all season), instead of literally any of the main Umbrellas we've been following all along. And she gets the last line of dialogue from our main characters. We spend an extended sequence watching The Umbrella Academy slowly sacrifice themselves and Lila gets the last word?? And all of this is coming from someone who actually really loved Lila in seasons 2 and 3. She was one of my favorite characters coming into this season, but this... It just felt blatantly disrespectful to all the other main characters.

Everyone Dying is a Bummer - Okay, don't get me wrong, I'm not set against tragic endings in general, but... I don't think The Umbrella Academy earned this ending (at least not in this way). This idea of the world being better off without them, like they are a mistake that fundamentally ruins the world and must choose to sacrifice themselves in the name of saving humanity, that would (could) be fine. Except that it doesn't feel thematically well supported by the previous seasons, or even just season 4. At its heart, seasons 1-3 followed the ups and downs of Five's journey to save his siblings from the apocalypse, even though they are the ones to cause it. This is his entire goal. He wavers, he actively tries to walk away from this, but he cannot help himself, he always comes back around to this goal. This is what we buy into in season 1. So the idea that this is impossible and that they all must die anyway, feels antithetical to why we are asked to care in the first place. We haven't been asked to care about the world (not in any tangible sense). We watch random, innocent people, or vaguely antagonistic people, get killed in horrible ways left and right in the show and we are not asked to care. We're often asked to laugh. We care about them saving the world because we care about them saving the family, this dysfunctional group of oddballs. Sure, on a very basic and fundamental level we don't want humanity to be wiped out, but the humanity of the surrounding world is never deeply touched upon in the show. And their death wipes out infinite universes. We're told this is "right," but we don't tie any real emotional stakes to it.

Season 4, which centers around saving (or failing to save) Ben and Jennifer, around Viktor's desire to find another way because he loves his brother (even this version of him) and his siblings have always fought so hard to find another way because they love Viktor, asks us to care for these same reasons. Not for the world, but because we care about these particular characters. And the writers decide to sideline Five, whose centering I believe is absolutely essential to pulling off a "they must all die at the end" storyline to begin with. Why? Because he's the one who has fought so hard to save them. To have him not be at the center of the storyline where saving them is not possible makes absolutely no sense. Do I think that a final season where we follow Five coming to the conclusion that they are all doomed could possibly work? Yeah, if they had (and here it is again) the time to dig into that story and show us how he grapples with and fights that resolution tooth and nail until he cannot anymore (they point at it with the diner scene, but don't have the time to let us feel the weight of it). But they don't do that. We don't get to follow him throughout a season trying to cope with this impossible truth. Instead, he accepts that fate in a matter of onscreen minutes and with immediate resignation. (Yes, you could argue this is what he has been doing the last 3 seasons, but we're never truly given the impression that he is trying to prevent an absolute inevitability, only that he is trying to prevent a specific reality). It undermines the foundation of his character, and because Five is the driving force of the first three seasons, it undermines the foundation of those storylines as well. With the limited amount of time they were given to wrap up this show, instead of ending with a "everyone must sacrifice themselves" storyline, I would have, instead, centered Five's personal journey in season 4, which concludes with him realizing there can be one universe in which his family can all live, but only if he dies. They live, but he must sacrifice himself and be erased from existence so they will never mourn him, never know him, never know to be grateful. What could be more fitting for the show, more simultaneously sad and happy, than Five achieving what he set out to do in 1x01 and saving his family and that costing him everything?

Now... how to work that in and fill in some major plot holes at the same time? Well, I have some ideas, but I'm gonna save them for a different post, because while writing this review, I found myself re-outlining season 4 and trying to fix some of nonsensical elements of this season and if I get into that, it needs its own post. But I think it could be done. And speaking of nonsensical events.... Why do the Umbrellas have to die now? Like, logistically speaking, if The Cleanse is a necessary event and every single other world except the "perfect" timeline ends in apocalypse, then why can't they jump on that subway to a different universe where they have more time to be really, truly sure that's the only answer? At the very least they would have had a chance to really say goodbye to each other. We know there are plenty of universes where Ben & Jennifer both exist, there's no reason it has to be now. Since there are infinite "wrong" universes, they have all the time in the world. This is not a decision that has to be made exclusively in this moment, despite being portrayed that way. They don't die, The Cleanse doesn't work, they fact check their solution in a different universe, they get a chance to say their goodbyes, etc. etc. The urgency makes no sense. For that matter, why doesn't Five blip them all down to the subway where the show has already established in this season that time does not pass, so they can have a real conversation about this? There is literally no reason not to do this. They, quite literally, have a character who can take them to a timeless limbo where they can take as much time as they want/need to sort this out. They, quite literally, have that character take an entire family to this place, proving that he is capable of bringing a group of people there, and they don't use it.

It Doesn't Get Better - One of the major themes of Umbrella Academy is dysfunctional family and the way we cope (or don't) with childhood trauma. How burying that pain is destructive and hurts the people around us. And while I don't think the show's intent was to send the ultimate message of, "Actually, it doesn't get better, you'll never heal those wounds, and your existence is a destructive mistake," that's... kind of what it implies anyway. Throughout the whole show we explore the ways these characters are trying to work through the abusive household they grew up in, to move past the things that happened to them, and we watch them process and come together as a family and stand up against their abuser and grow into better versions of themselves and lose their way and pick each other back up. And then we're told that it doesn't matter because they all have to die. It sends a strange message. Personally, I think the show may not ever have intended to really send a message at all. It's absurd and irreverent and tragic and silly. It has never shied away from violence. It's always had a bit of a flippant nihilism hanging about it. And I think there is an argument for "People don't always get what they deserve. Sometimes they just get the short end of the stick and it sucks, but that's just how it is," being an underlying theme worth exploring. It's just... they don't really explore it, they just kind of dump it on us at the end. And because we don't have time to come to terms with this messaging (time, it's all about time), I think a lot of people feel like there's this bait & switch happening. For the last 3 seasons, we've been watching a show that is constantly addressing this childhood trauma and a toxic family dynamic, but then the end of that show is like "and all of these kids are a casualty of their abuser's arrogance and there was literally, not from the moment they were born, anything they ever could have done to grow away from that." It's pretty fucking bleak, to say the least.

Plot Holes For Days - There are more plot holes in this show than a block of Swiss Cheese. There are so many, that I'm still mentally trying to sort out an ending that feels... somewhat in the spirit of what season 4 was intending, and doesn't leave us up to our eyeballs in nonsensical plot points. For example- in The Umbrella's original universe, they already changed things so that they don't exist anymore long before the apocalypse. One of the major plot points of season 3 is that Harlan accidentally killed The Umbrellas' mothers before they were even born (obviously this is a paradox, as Harlan could never do that without meeting Viktor). But Hargreeves was still able to adopt Marigold enhanced children! Marigold kids were still born! We're told in 1x01 that 43 women spontaneously gave birth without having been pregnant, but we're supposed to believe that The Umbrellas, right here and now, have definitely got all of the Marigold in this universe? (And that doesn't even get into the questions surrounding the Marigold's presence in this world, since The Umbrellas did not bring it with them, we see no sign of other super powered versions of them existing in this universe, but if it didn't already exist here in some capacity and no children were born with these powers, then there's nothing inherently wrong with this universe, meaning the apocalypse wouldn't need to happen, and on and on and on. Like if all the Marigold was just in that jar and that counts as being in this world, then they could have just chucked that thing at Jennifer and bam, problem solved.) We know that in the original timeline Hargreeves didn't adopt all the Marigold children, because that's the entire point of Lila's backstory. And what about the other 35 women who spontaneously gave birth and those kids? So how could The Umbrellas possibly know if they are destroying all the Marigold by sacrificing themselves in this world? They can't know that. The existence of The Sparrows (and in another universe The Phoenix Academy) also implies that there could be many universes where The Umbrella kids don't all even exist, but other children were born with their powers, so specifically The Umbrella kids all dying isn't something that would need to be set in stone, since none of the other Marigold kids had to die for The Cleanse to work in this universe. Now, a lot of shows have plot holes or paradoxes or questions left at the end, and a lot of shows I would cut some slack. I'm even willing to ignore a lot of the smaller plot holes in this show, but this is the culmination of the entire series, the explanation for what must happen and why, and the justification for all our main characters being wiped out, and it just doesn't hold up under more than a moment's scrutiny. And that, imo, is a pretty big problem.

Gene & Jean/Villains - So, on a slightly lighter note, another thing that I don't have a problem with in concept is Gene & Jean. They're weird and quirky, as all Umbrella Academy villains seem to be, and I love both actors. It's just that season 4 has a serious problem with its villains in general. That is, there are too many of them and their plans are too convoluted. The ultimate villains being in some way connected back to Hargreeves (and specifically Abigail, who up until this point has had very little to justify her existence in the show) makes sense to me. But the absolutely convoluted mess that is The Keepers cult led by Gene & Jean being at odds with Hargreeves' men who are hiding Jennifer, being at odds with Abigail masquerading as Sy Grossman and then as Gene (I still don't understand why she needed to kill Gene or Jean, like Gene & Jean were already trying to bring about The Cleanse, why is she infiltrating them??), instead of using her resources/position as Hargreeves' wife, is ridiculously messy. The person I watched this season with actually asked me after 4x04 if I had any idea what was happening because they were completely lost. Generally, I am pretty patient about how a show shares information. I always assume that I am picking up what they're putting down, and if I don't understand something, I will when I'm supposed to. That... didn't always feel like the case to me this season. I don't think it was so much that it was hard to follow, but that it just didn't make a lot of sense. The "why" for so many character actions, but particularly the villains, just never fully materializes. Abigail and Hargreeves' sides are fighting in this season, with him attempting to prevent the apocalypse and her trying to bring it about... But what is the justification for the completely convoluted nonsensical path it takes to get there? She seems to have plenty of power over Hargreeves when the kids visit. Why does she need to infiltrate The Keepers? Why do The Keepers need to exist at all? It's just a coincidence that they have the same goals as Abigail? If she actually started them, then I assume she would have installed herself into the organization and not needed Gene to infiltrate it. I don't understand her choices. There were many, many simpler ways to get where they ended up.

So... it's not as if The Umbrella Academy is the first show to do this ending. In fact, one of my favorite shows of all time does this ending (not mentioning it by name because that would be a massive spoiler, obviously). I think this ending is completely possible to pull off. But I also am neither convinced from an in-universe logical point, nor from a storyteller's point, that it earned this ending. Did I want it to be a happily ever after? No. I don't think that would fit tonally with the show. But I wanted it to feel necessary, truly inevitable, and both physically and thematically, I don't buy that it was.

My advice to anyone who was starting this show for the first time would have to be, "don't think too hard about it," because ultimately, if you do it will crumble. Just enjoy the vibes and the bickering and the comedy and strangeness. There's no point in asking too many questions. And for some people, that's totally okay. That's enough. I'm just (shockingly) not one of those people.

So, if you're still with me, I'd love to hear what you guys think. Did you feel emotionally fulfilled? Were there particular plot points you loved or hated? What was your favorite musical choice of season 4? Should I release my redesigned season 4 outline? What ending would you have chosen? I'm open to all opinions! I don't agree with all opinions, but I will very much consider them.

[thormanick]

All the Kavetham/Haikaveh ideas I don't have capacity to currently write, a very detailed list:

(Which I am humbly placing here before you. Be warned: this post is an incredibly long one!)

1. Fatui!Kaveh AU, where the night before the meeting happens between Kaveh and Alhaitham at the tavern, Kaveh gets a deal from Fatui representatives to work on a huge project in Snezhnaya. Kaveh is sceptical about it, but decides to accept the offer during the dialogue with Alhaitham (seeing himself as a burden, Kaveh decides that he will cause more trouble to Alhaitham than the Fatui, thus he decides to accept their offer even if it seems too good to be true). He tells Alhaitham about his decision to leave for Snezhnaya, and so the two relatively amicably/peacefully part their ways (not without Alhaitham testing Kaveh's reasoning a bit, but Kaveh's resolve remains strong).

And so, Kaveh leaves for Snezhnaya, where he gets to work on several huge projects for the next several years under Sandrone. Most of them are related to construction, engineering and reverse-engineering of Khaenri'ahn and Khaenri'ah-inspired technology, and he gets barely any time to work on his personal projects (he's overworked and exhausted and doesn't get much time and opportunity to be creative; however, the payments are good and he's on his way to getting out of debt, which is practically the sole reason driving him forward. The projects get progressively more complicated and, in a way, unhinged - engineering military equipment is alright, but working with the remains of Khaenri'ahn technology, dead gods and such proves to be... mentally taxing. Everything happens very gradually though, so Kaveh does not immediately notice the true scale of where the Fatui are ready to go to achieve certain goals). Kaveh doesn't really like the work environment of the Fatui, but he does his best (the Harbingers creep him out whenever he gets to see them on a rare official occasion (he might specifically dislike Pantalone because the Harbinger keeps picking at him for his debt, given a chance), but Sandrone's a decent boss who is somewhat encouraging and invested in his work and personal projects. She might be especially interested in Mehrak's existence and operation). Overall, everything goes quite smoothly for Kaveh, even if he doesn't feel quite at home in Snezhnaya and is aware of how dangerous the Fatui can be. He does not consider himself to be paranoid, but the other shoe has to drop at some point - and that happens when the new Acting Grand Sage of Sumeru gets to visit Snezhnaya on a diplomatic mission (aka: Kaveh reconnects with Alhaitham & Co for the first time in what feels like forever). The situation gets complicated when Kaveh realizes that Sandrone encourages the reestablishment of his connection with Alhaitham specifically - and she never encourages an action if she doesn't directly contribute from it.

Feelings, emotions and shenanigans ensue.

TLDR: Kaveh's doing his best despite being restricted in his ways of work, prevented from realizing most of his creative projects and slowly but surely building emotional walls around himself because Fatui and Snezhnaya; Sandrone being a kind of decent boss with sorta good work ethic but horrendous morals who is not exactly a good influence on Kaveh's idealistic tendencies and guilt complex; Fatui being contextually horrifying but kinda normal coworkers if you don't look at them too close; Alhaitham trying his best as a political figure (Nahida help him) while also trying to get Kaveh to return home with him (because he misses him); the main conflict revolving around Kaveh and his life choices with Sandrone and Alhaitham being kind of foils to each other (with Sandrone gradually destroying Kaveh's idealistic morals and playing on his guilt to get the most out of his potential as an innovator, and with Alhaitham actively trying to resolve Kaveh's guilt and show him that, despite their arguments, Kaveh's idealism still has place in the world and can co-exist with other philosophies). There might or might not be some macguffin-esque Deshret relic that both Akademia and Fatui hunt for that eventually brings the whole crew back to Sumeru. Kaveh might or might not get a chance to meet a fragment of Deshret's spirit within the mentioned relic. But there definitely will be a happy end for everyone here (Deshret will make sure of it).

2. Calamity!AU. The new Cataclysm comes, enveloping all Seven Nations, and so Sumeru does its best to survive. The cities are ruined, and the people gather together in random places to survive. Alhaitham gets to live within one of the settlements, established by the Akademiya. While trying to survive the first wave of the new Calamity, he is also looking for Kaveh; after an argument between the two the architect left for an expedition to the Desert, right before the new Calamity began. Unfortunately, the news comes that his group should have been around Tunigi Hollow - one of the spots in Sumeru where the first wave of the new Calamity hit the hardest. There is no concrete information on whether Kaveh's group survived or not. Alhaitham, not loosing hope, does his best to find any information on Kaveh's whereabouts, but due to Sumeru becoming extremely dangerous to traverse and disjointed as a result of the new Calamity, the search stretches out for almost a decade.

One day Alhaitham helps a caravan, traversing the forests to get to one of the settlements, to fight off the monsters. Unexpectedly, Kaveh turns out to be one of the members of the caravan. Their reunion is almost cut short by the caravan's need to keep going, but Alhaitham convinces Kaveh to join him instead. The two return to the new Sumeru city settlement, where Alhaitham lives and works under the watch of Akademiya and Lord Kusanali. It appears that during his years of travels around the destroyed Sumeru Kaveh learned new ways of architectural construction that would be more efficient against the monsters, born by the Calamity. He also seems to behave quite differently, hardened by the experiences of the past years. Alhaitham proposes for Kaveh to stay with him in the city, and Kaveh accepts. The feelings, new routines, dealings with the changed versions of each other and attempts to find new pace of life in the new world ensue.

TLDR: The world might be ending and impossible to live in, but even so each new day is brighter when the person one loves is by their side.

3. Another Cataclysm!AU, where Kaveh and Alhaitham get assigned separate missions in the grander scheme of things created to prevent the coming of a new Calamity. The plan succeeds and the world remains safe, but not without heavy losses: amongst many others, Kaveh does not survive while carrying out his mission.

Decades pass as Alhaitham goes through his grieving process. Eventually, one evening on the anniversary of the Calamity's prevention, Alhaitham wanders to a place he and Kaveh used to visit together. A Ley Line disruption occurs, and he gets to see a glimpse of Kaveh through it. They have a conversation; the Ley Line apparition (a memory of Kaveh) is convinced that Alhaitham is from the future, and so they talk a lot about the Calamity, whether it was prevented, and about each other's futures. Alhaitham can't bring himself to tell Kaveh that he does not survive the Calamity, but he does tell Kaveh that his architectural legacy lives on. Kaveh commends Alhaitham on his achievements (though not an acting grand sage for a very long time, Alhaitham kept playing an important role throughout Sumeru's history, helping to keep it safe).

Eventually, their time runs out. Ley Line disorder starts gradually disappearing. Alhaitham urges Kaveh to be careful and stay safe, knowing that the Calamity (on Kaveh's side) is yet to come. Kaveh laughs and tells him that on his side, Alhaitham just told him the same words after they finished the debriefing session, related to the Calamity. He says that he was feeling very nervous, but that seeing future-Alhaitham made him convinced that they are on the right path.

And so, the Ley Line disorder disappears. Alhaitham spends some more time at the spot before returning home. Despite painful memories having been brought up, his heart feels a bit lighter.

TLDR: closure comes unexpectedly, takes many forms and does not erase the pain in an instant, but, nevertheless, it heals.

4. AU! where Kaveh and Alhaitham are both magical birds that can transform into humans (and half-humans).

They live together in the depths of Sumeru forest - a domain of a long lost God of Wisdom. Kaveh's feathers are rumoured to bring blessings, while Alhaitham's feathers, on the contrary, are said to bring bad luck or even curses. Humans, living at the edge of magical forest, kinda worship them, but also prefer not to interact with them, primarily because Alhaitham is not happy when others trespass on his lands, and because searching for Kaveh is extremely hard (he's often off working on his projects deep within the forest), and the magical forest is very dangerous on its own. So, the humans build their cities outside of the Sumeru forest, and Alhaitham and Kaveh peacefully live together in the depths of it.

Despite Kaveh and Alhaitham living together for a long time, their opinions on humanity are diametrically opposed: Alhaitham barely tolerates humans, finding them to be reckless, meddling, cowardly and deceitful; Kaveh, on the contrary, finds humans to be creative, inspiring, free and beautiful in their own way. Throughout the years, Kaveh manages to build somewhat of an amicable relationship with the humans, living at the edge of the forest: he learns more about their traditions and arts, while the humans receive his guidance and blessings in various matters of living, craftsmanship and arts. Eventually, Kaveh's knowledge and magical powers catch the eye of Lord Sangemah Bay, who resides in and governs one of the bigger settlements at the forest's border. She makes a deal with Kaveh that, despite providing him with valuable (in his eyes) experience of working with humans on some of his grandest architectural projects, costs him a lot - meaning he has to give away lots of his blessed feathers, which makes his remaining magic much weaker (and generally undermines his health for a bit). Alhaitham is not a huge fan of such approach (in his eyes, Kaveh is wasting his powers and time for nothing, endangering himself), and so a conflict between him and Kaveh breaks. As a result, Kaveh flees their home, secluding himself while he's focusing on other projects he finds curious. Kaveh keeps working with humans, and though Alhaitham certainly keeps an eye on Kaveh's wellbeing, he does not make it easy for humans to reach him. So what if there are new random magical seals, obstacles, almost-traps and riddles appearing here and there when people try to get to Kaveh? It's a magical forest, things happen! (Kaveh knows that Alhaitham does this on purpose, and Alhaitham knows that Kaveh knows, and it leads to them indirectly, and then directly bickering and arguing. The magical forest quite possibly grows very tired of them. Their friends Tighnari and Cyno certainly do, but alas.)

The new equilibrium, found by Alhaitham and Kaveh, is challenged once more when Kaveh leaves to the Lord Sangemah Bay's city to direct yet another one of his grand projects. They do not see each other for a long while. Despite all the challenges, Kaveh's relationship with Dori gradually grows stronger - the two value their partnership - and Kaveh ends up making friends amongst humans. However, not everyone is happy about Lord Sangema Bay's growing friendship with the "deity of blessings" personified. As some people come to despise her for her wealth, influence and ever growing power, so do they come to despise the bird of paradise.

When the project is complete, the time for celebration comes. Kaveh gets to attend a feast by Dori's side as a guest of honour, and is invited to stay the night in her palace before returning to the forest. Kaveh agrees: he's been spending all his days and nights at the building site, and resting a night before returning home would be nice. As the night goes on, however, Kaveh begins to feel weary and unwell - the new type of wine he was served did him no good. He excuses himself early for the night and, as soon as he gets to his bed, he's out cold.

After an undetermined amount of time (in what appears to be the middle of the night), Kaveh wakes up because of immense pain in his back.

As he gradually comes to his senses, he has a horrible realization: one of his wings was cut off when he was asleep. Alerting the guards and Dori yields no results: the intruder escaped, presumably with Kaveh's wing, and there are no traces of them left. While Kaveh gets immediately attended to, he goes in shock and, eventually, loses consciousness.

When the messengers form the city arrive to the forest, Alhaitham receives them reluctantly at first, but as soon as he hears of what happened, he rushes to the city. He ends up taking Kaveh back to the forest, hoping that its healing magic will help restore his wing. However, nothing seems to work: neither spells, nor the powers of nature, not even Tighnari's medicine. Though the wound is slowly healing, Kaveh remains unconscious for days. To get more information on what happened, Alhaitham returns to the city to question Dori together with Cyno (who's also to continue the investigation within the city once Alhaitham returns home), while Tighnari stays with Kaveh.

Though the questioning concludes that Dori knows nothing and is willing to assist in the search of the perpetrator, Cyno concludes that she was not thorough enough in ensuring Kaveh's safety and overall security of the celebration in general, revealing that Dori recklessly cut corners here and there. Furious, Alhaitham leaves Dori his cursed feather, giving her an ultimatum: she has to find the perpetrator and give them to Alhaitham to deal the final punishment. Until then, her city is doomed to slowly crumble into decay and oblivion. Dori accepts the deal.

Alhaitham returns to the forest to look after Kaveh, while Cyno remains in the city to continue the search. When Alhaitham comes back, Kaveh is finally awake. However, he remains extremely closed-off, practically a shadow of himself. The recovery process is slow and challenging, but Alhaitham does his best to support Kaveh in all ways that matter. Kaveh struggles with healing: the loss of a wing affected not only his body, but also his mental state and magic. He cannot transform, he can barely use any of his magical skills, and he cannot fly anymore, which hurts him most of all. It takes a while for Kaveh to get on his feet (quite literally), even longer to finally leave his room. He also feels guilty for being in Alhaitham's care, because he remembers all of the Alhaitham warnings about the humans he didn't listen to, and so lots of internal conflict ensues.

Meanwhile Alhaitham does all he can to try and navigate the situation. He looks after Kaveh's healing process; brings back his blueprints and equipment from Kaveh's place so that he has enough to work with if he wishes; he also (to the best of his ability) remodels their home to make it more accessible to Kaveh. Given that their natural method of moving around their house was flying (whether in form of birds of half-humans), Alhaitham now implements more adjustments for walking or climbing. (When Kaveh feels good enough to leave his room, he's amazed by what Alhaitham managed to achieve. He also helps fix some of the constructions, given he's the one with the experience in architecture.) Alhaitham and Kaveh grow closer, slowly unpacking and mending their relationship, turning it into something new and beautiful.

At the same time, Alhaitham continues to watch the forest borders - to make sure that no intruders interrupt Kaveh's recovery and their peaceful life together. One day he notices an interesting sight: a small, but beautiful shrine appeared right by the forest. He decides to investigate; upon approaching the shrine, he meets Nilou (whom he saw in the palace when he visited Dori). She explains to him that, after he and Kaveh left the city, a group of people decided to organize a shrine, dedicated to Kaveh, to pray for his recovery. Nilou explains that in their eyes it's the least they can offer for all the help that their city received in the past and as amends for the pain they have caused. Alhaitham warns her not to get any closer to the forest, but the action of people leaves a lasting impression on him.

Meanwhile, Cyno's investigation progresses. Cyno writes to Alhaitham that together with Dori they managed to find and capture the perpetrator. Questioning reveals no useful information, but Cyno suspects that there might be more to the attack on Kaveh than they anticipated. To uphold his end of the deal Alhaitham goes to the city to deliver the punishment to the attacker and to undo the curse he put on Dori's city. Before he leaves, Kaveh, scared of what might happen to Alhaitham, sews into his cloak a blessed feather for protection (because Alhaitham wouldn't accept it outright). While Alhaitham is away, Kaveh begins working on a new project: a mechanical wing.

When Alhaitham gets to the city, he is led to the cell where the attacker is being held. Cyno and Dori are by his side for the final questioning. The man - a mere mortal (with strange red-ish eyes), one of Dori's citizens - keeps talking in circles, making less and less sense with each new word. Alhaitham lets Cyno and Dori go before rendering the punishment. When the curse (one of Alhaitham's darkest yet) is finally prepared, suddenly, the tables are turned. The perpetrator attacks Alhaitham, but his movements seem unnatural, almost like those of a puppet. Alhaitham realizes, that the man is being controlled by someone with prowess for strong, incredibly dark magic that seems similar to that of the Desert. The strange puppet manages to overpower Alhaitham in a fight, but cannot harm him (due to the protection from Kaveh's feather). The perpetrator manages to escape, taking with him Alhaitham's cursed feather (they seemed to be pleased to receive it. Alhaitham fears to think what they will use it for).

Dori and Cyno pick up the investigation, with Cyno going straight to the Desert. Dori begins reinforcing the city (her people discover that Alhaithams curse (now lifted) awakened Miasma deep under the ground. The Miasma begins to slowly spread, seemingly in the direction of the Sumeru Forest). Cyno sends back a message, confirming that strong and dark magic seems to be gathering within the Desert, possibly for the purpose of destroying the magical forest.

Alhaitham manages to get back to Kaveh and tell him of what happened in the city. In order to be able to protect the forest together with Alhaitham, Kaveh doubles down on his efforts to create a mechanical working wing. Everything works, besides the golden feathers - they need to be blessed in order to allow the mechanism to work as intended, but Kaveh does not have enough power for it. Alhaitham takes a risk and brings the feathers to the shrine, created by Nilou and other humans, so that they could bless them for Kaveh. (They are short of one feather eventually, and Alhaitham gives Kaveh one of his own, his first blessed feather, to complete the wing.)

TLDR: Kaveh works on restoring his wing and faith in himself and humanity; Alhaitham learns that humanity is not always evil. Dori and Cyno discover that the escaped perpetrator (caugh controlled by Dottore caugh) used Kaveh to get to Alhaitham to gain his cursed feather for completing some sort of ancient ritual to unseal the forbidden knowledge magic deep within the Desert in roder to unleash it on the magical forest, slumbering God of Wisdom and human cities. Kaveh learns to curse his feathers (while opposing Dottore in a final fight), and Alhaitham learns to bless his. Humans and Sumeru Forest continue to coexist peacefully. Alhaitham and Kaveh live together happily ever after.

5. Pacific Rim!AU, where Kaveh and Alhaitham used to be pilots of a Jaeger, but during one of their battles they suffered too much damage. In order to save Alhaitham and what remains of their Jaeger, Kaveh takes most of the damage by severing already unstable connection between Alhaitham and Jaeger's system. Both barely survive the encounter, but meanwhile Alhaitham manages to recover fast, the damage Kaveh has taken leaves him in a critical condition, eventually resulting in him being unable to ever pilot a Jaeger ever again (and putting many new restraints on his usual daily life).

As soon as Kaveh comes to his senses, the two have a huge fight about Kaveh's rash decision, and eventually break off their friendship. They don't see each other for a long, long time.

As the time goes on, Kaveh learns how to live with the changes that his body sustained with the help of his service dog Mehrak. Eventually he takes on a job at one of the Jaeger construction facilities (together with his friend Tighnari), studying Kaiju and creating new Jaeger modifications - though no Kaiju has been seen in the past several years, the world is still afraid of their return.

When the suspicion of the new Kaiju appearance arises, new pilot recruits and ex-pilots are summoned to the facility. There, Kaveh meets Alhaitham for the first time in years. After their fallout, Alahitham resigned from piloting Jaegers, yet now he had no choice but to return to train new recruits (and possibly resume his role of a Jaeger pilot). Now once again the two have to work together as a part of a team in face of approaching danger, trying to resolve their past conflicts and overcome their fears and insecurities along the way (when deep down they simply want to keep each other safe).

TLDR: Kaveh & service animal Mehrak is a neat concept I'd love to see more of, just as a concept in general. I think this one could be an interesting story idea centered mostly around Kaveh's day to day life. Additionally, Alhaitham who used to be only drift compatible with Kaveh but now suddenly discovers he's drift compatible with Cyno. I need more Cyno & Alhaitham camaraderie I think it would do them lots of good (at least in this specific AU setting lol).

6. Oxenfree!AU where Kaveh and Alhaitham are two ex-best friends turned reluctant coworkers (photo-journalist and journalist respectively) working on writing a piece about the disappearances of a group of teenagers that happened at the Edwards Island several years prior (timeline somewhere between the first and the second games). The radio shenanigans ensue, making the two face their past, possible futures and, most importantly, their present. (In Oxenfree tuning into certain radio sequences can temporarily mess up time-space shenanigans, just fyi).

TLDR: I just think that this setting could facilitate some character exploration that would be very fun.

7. Modern MermanKaveh!AU, post-fallout, where it's a little bit more about haunting Alhaitham (and the narrative), than being a merman. Due to an unfortunate set of circumstances, Kaveh drowns one day, trying to save someone from the water. Due to an unfortunate set of circumstances, he doesn't really die, being stuck in between (existence and death, normal life and the necessity to live in water). Kaveh manages, for quite a while even!

But of course Alhaitham has to come back and turn his world upside down once again.

TLDR: can you tell Alhaitham's quote about drowning stuck with me huh (and I made it literal lol). On a serious note... Idk, vibes??? I want to see the "stuck in the middle" Kaveh, whatever that entails. Some existential explorations. And the development of his relationship with Alhaitham, of course. // Kaveh is a merman unable to fully live the life he used to have, and Alhaitham doesn't know that he survived (for a while), alternatively "let me help to save you from metaphorical and literal drowning" Alhaitham and "I learned to live like this, this is what my norm now looks like" Kaveh.

8. Another Modern MermanKaveh!AU/DrownedGhostKaveh!AU, because I apparently have no self-control (I feel like I should also clarify that whenever I mention a mermaid, I think of them more as of ghosts of drowned people and less as mermaids-mermaids, the half-human half-marine creature ones). This idea was initially prepared for chili/zhongchi but it's been sooooooooooooooooooo long and I still haven't done anything substantial for it so I'm borrowing it from myself for myself and tweaking it for kavetham because I figured it could fit them. So here it goes,

Alhaitham is a scientist/marine biologist that moves from the city to a much smaller port town, getting himself a place in a local partially repurposed lighthouse. Kaveh is a merman, who has been dead for a long while and who's been living within local waters ever since he drowned. Alhaitham leads a very isolated life, going through a rather rough patch emotionally (maybe a badly ended past relationship and relocation from an established group of friends to a remote place brought up past negative emotions related to loss that were bottled up for a while. who knows, not me). Anyways, Alhaitham's not doing too well, but seaside walks help him unwind, even if for a short periods of time. During one of such walks, he finds an old pendant washed ashore. He picks up his find, hoping to do some research on it outside of his work time (because research is his fun-time).

He expects this to be a brief excursion into local history. He does not expect to become haunted by the ghost of a man to whom this pendant belonged to way back when.

Kaveh, in turn, is extremely excited to finally, finally be able to get out of the sea to the surface. He intends to stay ashore as long as possible and, well, if he just so gets to amuse himself by haunting a grumpy marine biologist that refuses to believe in merpeople, ghosts of drowned and other supernatural occurences - who's he to say no?

TLDR: this AU can go two ways (in my eyes): the happy ending way and probably more gothic-horror-story-esque ending. So, Alahitham is cursed to be haunted by Kaveh: for a while he's the only one who can see him, with Kaveh being something akin to a ghost. However, the longer Kaveh haunts Alhaitham, the more human he becomes (others can see him, he cannot phase through walls anymore, etc.). The curse in itself goes something like this: the cursed thing, after being picked up/taken in, cannot be thrown away and will always come back. The ghost, tied to the haunted thing, shall haunt whoever picks the cursed thing (the thing should be tied to the ghost, but may not necessarily belong to them) and drain their life energy. The ghost can become free and human again if the haunting goes long enough and they kill the human who picked the cursed object in the end during a very specific time that doesn't occur too often (proverbial blue moon, idk). If they don't kill the human and decide to let them go, then the ghost will seize to exist and the human will regain their strength. (An alternative option to the ghost dying for a less angsty au: the ghost voluntarily takes back the cursed object and returns to the place where they died, but then they will never be able to haunt anyone ever again. The effect of the curse on the haunted remain, but much weaker).

In this case, let's say Kaveh and Alhaitham stay by each other's side from half a year to a year, idk. They grow closer, eventually becoming friends and maybe more (the usual kavetham shenanigans Kaveh falls first but Alhaitham falls harder). Alhaitham's mental state gradually improves, yet overall he becomes weaker because of the curse (to the point that it becomes a serious concern), which Kaveh blames himself for. The appointed time approaches (both Kaveh and Alhaitham are in on the details of the curse), and Kaveh, seeing it as an opportunity to set Alhaitham free, manages to separate himself from Alhaitham. Kaveh is ready to return to the sea/merge with it (ah yes the classic Little Mermaid influence does anybody feel it lol). However, Alhaitham sees through his plan and arrives just in time to stop him. They have a confrontation. Eventually, they manage to lift the curse (as you can see I have not figured out exactly how this can happen but! it definitely can!) with Kaveh becoming human again and Alhaitham regaining his health. The two continue to live together happily ever after.

The other scenario is practically the same, but it's more ghothic? and abstract (and probably more suitable for the og pairing it was made for, but i'll throw it in anyways). I have not engaged with gothic literature much and thus don't have much experience in how it works/how to write it, but the idea is that Kaveh is more of a projection of Alhaitham's grief than a ghost fo a drowned person (in other words, he's definitely a ghost, but his presence is also much more symbolical). The story follows quite similar beats, except the setting of the curse is a bit different: it's more of a "kill first or be killed" thingy with a deadline. Kaveh earnestly tries to drown Alhaitham at first through various means, but the more time they spend together, the more Kaveh sees of Alhaitham's life and pain and feels sympathetic for him. Despite the curse, Kaveh tires to help Alhaitham in various ways; and it works! Alhaitham gradually begins to feel better; the two grow closer to each other (more in a platonic way).

So now the precedent is that though Alhaitham's overall doing better, the curse still preys on him, hindering his life in various ways that become more and more serious/dangerous (the curse's deadline approaches, and it tries to survive the best way it can through Kaveh's influence on Alhaitham). Eventually, Kaveh lets Alhaitham go, merging with the sea (once again, yes, it was partially inspired by the Little Mermaid). Alhaitham realizes what happened and tries to look for Kaveh, but it is in vain.

Eventually, life goes on.

Bonus Elden Ring AU (because guess who suddenly went on a lore video watching spree): Kaveh is a craftsman and one of the inhabitants of Castle Morne who managed to escape before it was overrun by Misbegotten. He's a follower of St. Trina and Miquella (he doesn't follow Miquella at first, but slowly he comes to suspect that the two are one and the same). After escaping from Castle Morne, he finds his way to Jarburg, where he is welcomed to stay and be the new Potentate.

Alhaitham is from a distant branch of Carian royal family and a scholar at the Academy of Raya Lucaria. Quite possibly explored an area of studies similar to Sellen's. Eventually he separates himself from both Academy and his family, becoming a wandering scholar.

The two meet somewhere nearby Jarburg when Kaveh gets ambushed by the same people who were trying to get to Alhaitham. The two fight them off. Kaveh, trying to help injured Alhaitham, leads him to Jarburg. The two continue living together there ever since (not without hiccups, but they're doing their best).

TLDR: this one is short and very simple because I just started diving into the Elden Ring's lore, but I just. Really wanted to make some AU for them. I also desperately wanted it to be peaceful and happy one despite it being a seeming impossibility for anything dark souls/elden ring related, but one can dream. If I were to make this one darker I'd probably expand on the duality of their two characters here, and how Alhaitham probably used to conjure spells on humans (with gaining knowledge being his sole life purpose for a long time) and has challenges with comprehending the world outside of a framework of pure logic, and how Kaveh gets an increasing tendency of escaping to the dream world/wherever Miquella is in order to alleviate his mental turmoil (maybe he witnessed too much during his escape from the Castle), and how the two have opposing perspectives on the idea of worshipping gods, and- like, there's a lot that can be done. But I also just really really really want them to simply be happy together in a jar village, leading a peaceful life.

That's it for now! Thank you for reading all of this, I can't commend your patience enough if you got to the end of this list!!!✨🎉✨

Maybe in the future I will unpack some of these aus. who knows.

[skrunksthatwunk]

idk if i've discussed it before (i have certainly THOUGHT about it) but someone on my kuwa suffering ep 89 comp mentioned it and i just had to go off about it like. ok. sensui tells yusuke something along the lines of "you heard itsuki" when itsuki's inside the uraotoko, implying that not only can sensui hear those inside the uraotoko, but that he expects yusuke to be able to as well. which means that yusuke Almost Certainly Heard And Kind Of Ignored kuwabara's prolonged mental breakdown and wailing about how much he needs yusuke to live etc. which. guHHH i hate him yusuke you ass but also listen.

the only acknowledgement yusuke gives to this (if any) is when he says something like "sensui you're sooo fucking cooked this plan's going perfectly (my friends are going to get strong and kill you when i die)." he's trash talking to sensui, ignoring the others because, i think, he doesn't want to acknowledge what he's doing to them.

yusuke is explicitly recreating the experience he had with kuwabara's "death" at the hands of toguro, complete with the announcement of intent (and power) to kill, the inability to impede the threat in any way (barring a power-breakthrough), and the target in some way racing towards/volunteering for their death. yusuke learns through doing, and through tough love-style approaches. it's only effective if it hurts. watching kuwabara die like that was devastating to yusuke, but it sure as hell fucking worked. he beat toguro because of that maneuver. so even if he has to (re-)traumatize his friends in the process, this method will make his friends stronger, and he feels confident in that. but he never had to live with the consequences of kuwabara's death, not really. that's something hiei makes clear before they enter the cave as well, that there are no fake-outs ready to make him or anyone else stronger. the only deaths here will be real. the only power gained will come at a high, permanent cost. hiei's warning is an attempt to keep everyone alive, to keep yusuke from being stupid. and then yusuke decides to take that fatality into his own hands, but it's kind of his friends who would pay the price. he's going to make them live through the days, months, years without him, the actual permanency of loss (assuming they survive for that long), something he never experienced with kuwabara (a new facet of that traumatic scenario), AND he's escaping the emotional fallout of this choice through death. he doesn't have to see them mourn, won't get yelled at, won't watch them fail to move on. he's tapping out and choosing to believe they'll be fine.

but i think he feels guilty. just a little. i mean, yusuke couldn't even believe that people cared about him enough to want him alive in episode one. he's staked everything on his friends, which means he still kind of... doesn't value his own life, at least not compared to theirs. but he believes his friends love him and want him around, and we know that because he has to, or else he wouldn't make a plan that depends entirely on that love. he is actively leveraging the care he doesn't think he deserves, trying to hurt them in a way he is intimately familiar with (only worse), for.... what, exactly?

this is kind of my sticking point tbh. i don't think the answer is... super clear, but let's start with what it's not.

yusuke is not doing this because it is the most practical way to save all of humanity; that would be the mafukan, which he stopped. it could be a gamble to save all of his friends? the mafukan strategy would guarantee koenma's death/eternal imprisonment, whereas this strategy gambles all of humanity on the chance that his friends come out of the Easy Break Oven strong enough to avert the end of the world. if the sacrifice of even one friend is completely intolerable, perhaps he'd accept those slim odds and their steep consequences. yusuke tends to take risks like that, especially when he's got fight-induced tunnel vision. he doesn't think things through too much; his schemes are usually dependent on surprising his enemy enough to oneshot them. truthfully, i think this is the closest we'll get to an answer, and it's a more conventional one for this kind of story. but there is another layer i haven't been able to get from my mind.

i think yusuke is gifting each of his friends an honorable warrior's death.

so, in case it needs saying, yusuke, kuwabara, kurama, and hiei all (at least once, if not several times) exhibit a desire to die in combat in a way they deem noble to give their lives purpose (usually by self-sacrifice, but sometimes by another metric of honor, like hiei's duel with shigure and his desire to die in mutual defeat against an evenly matched opponent; or even kurama's decision to fight shigure in his human form, displaying a sort of passive suicidality via placing being true to himself in this (somewhat symbolic/inconsequential) way over survival). they need to make their lives count for something, because they feel guilty for being alive (kurama and hiei feel guilty for their past actions (hiei's is most evident in his distance from yukina, though that's not its primary reason), hiei, kuwabara, and yusuke have all been ostracized and made to feel like burdens on/unwanted by their caregivers and general society; all four of them have felt profound isolation even from their loved ones (yusuke and hiei are rather obvious; kurama can never tell his mother about the majority of his life nor what she truly means to him in the context of it; and kuwabara is separated from his peers for his spiritual awareness and his "stupidity" (plus his parents aren't around? and he is Desperate to define manhood/manliness through a broader pop cultural one which includes the warrior sacrifice thing bc he has no male role models BUT that's for another post) (i will admit kuwa's the most tenuous one here irt isolation)). they want to die for a cause so badly it's actually physically painful to me. it is passive suicidality, and they define their lives and identities by their relation to, engagement with, and skill at doing violence, etc. they live to die by the sword. anyway. nobody talks about it but i think it's very important to understanding what yusuke's doing here.

because i think he knows that about himself and his friends. they're kindred spirits. at the very least he knows this about kuwabara, who literally made a speech about this before diving into toguro's fingers In The Event That He Is Recreating Explicitly. he is dying nobly like they all want to on the chance that they'll get to break out and fight sensui rather than dying without even getting to take a swing. it's about his pride and theirs. but i don't think yusuke necessarily believes they'll win. he knows better than anyone how strong sensui is, and how wide the gap is between sensui and team urameshi. his stated position that humanity is doomed and that he doesn't care about its fate is, i think, not completely genuine, but if we take it at face value, he's not killing himself so that his friends can survive the end of the world. something's going to come around and kill them eventually. he's doing it so they can survive long enough to fight sensui. he needs them (specifically kuwabara) to be strong enough to free themselves to begin round two. but he's given up on their side winning, on humanity surviving, on his own victory---why should he think his friends are capable of winning? this could be another case of yusuke's fight-blinders. it could be another gamble, more blind faith put in his friends. but honestly it reads more to me that yusuke's giving them a chance to die together on the battlefield. them winning would be great, but it's not his goal. it's a pipe dream.

he knows he's going to be killed. they're probably going to be killed, too. but to make it so they last a little longer against sensui, to make the odds a little more even, so they are killed not like livestock, but like worthy fighters, he'd die a little faster. it's the best kind of death someone like them can have; and he'll deprive himself of it just to make their ends a little sweeter. even if the road to that is far more bitter.

but it's not like yusuke's friends know what he's thinking or agree to it, and he can't exactly make his case for it in the moment. he's making that choice for them. whatever his intentions, whatever odds he thinks they have of beating sensui, he's kind of sealing all of their fates. so how the hell is he supposed to acknowledge kuwabara screaming at him not to die, trying desperately to express what yusuke means to him in what could be their final moments together? this plan is going to hurt his friends terribly. it is already doing so, and he can hear it. his choices to stop koenma from using the mafukan and to die for his friends' strength are both selfish in some way, no matter how you read the scene. if yusuke comforts kuwabara, he might not get strong enough. if he twists the knife, well... how could he forgive himself? and either way by responding he would have to face them all and say yes, i'm doing this regardless of your feelings (with the intention of hurting you). so i think he does what he often does. he avoids it. he lets that emotion glance off him and his bravado and his one-liners so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that he's hurting people, that he's scared and guilty and unsure of himself. that he's about to die again, about to put kuwabara through the grief he saw at his wake again, only worse; about to put his quieter friends through something similar.

yusuke is confronted with the responsibility one has to the people who care for them, and he runs from it in an attempt to give them some small peace. just like when he died before and thought hey, at least my mom and keiko won't be burdened by me anymore. because the only thing he can really do for them is die.

[puppppppppy]

ive made myself more wet and pathetic

[monstermoviedean]

coworker was going on and on about the importance of regulating your nervous system today and i'm thinking 1) you don't know what that means and 2) if i were a teenager and someone told me to regulate my nervous system i would start throwing things. frankly it's hard not to throw things when hearing that as an adult.

[harvestmoth]

more rejuv things but its. its just this guy again, im sorry shes all i can draw

[hibernating-stag]

I've heard there's heated debate on this topic but I Do Not Care, I formed a solid opinion the first time I saw one of his win screens

^ This guy HAS to be 15 ^