#sondra jumping spider

[sitting-on-me-bum]

A Sondra jumping spider. They are usually very hard to photograph as they never stop moving.

Photograph: Craig Loechel

[dzmoot]

COUNT CLAUS AND THE 12 UNWELCOME GIFTS

By Derrick Zurn

Late one Christmas after another successful toy run, Count Claus settled down in his cozy chair, as warm as a cinnamon bun. He and his orb headed friend Credence were gleefully partaking in a hot cocoa binge, a happy, quiet, peaceful evening in the making. They talked about the goodies they delivered the previous night, how little Sondra got her new porcelain doll and Johnny got a brand new polka dot kite. When all of a sudden a grand knocking was heard from the nearby door, as the noise continued, the Count declared that he couldn't take it anymore! He ran over to the door as fast as a rabbit to put an end to the loud door knocking habit. He opened it up and to his surprise, a parade like procession started piling into his home of great proportion and size. It was a gift from his wife, the great Countess Claus and what the Count saw next would deliver many oohs and aahs!

It was a cantankerous pear tree with leaves galore and on his head, an annoying partridge was perched which made his brain quite sore.

Next were two turtledoves with feathers and hard shells which jangled when tapped on like the sweetest of bells.

Three hens from Paris, Sacrebleau! The phrases they were saying, God only knew!

Four calling birds all chatting on their phones, some with loud, squeaky voices, others with low speaking tones.

Next flew in five shimmering gold rings which you wouldn't want to put on your fingers, they were like piranhas, the nasty things!

A six headed goose laying a green and red egg. Be sure not to disturb it or it may peck off your leg!

There were seven swans swimming in a giant bath tub getting feathers and water all over the room, rub a dub dub!

Count Claus' temper was rising, he couldn't put it to words. He finally mustered up the strength and shouted ENOUGH WITH THESE BIRDS!

And Count Claus never expected next, the odd creature which finagled it's way into his home, causing chaos and wrecks! It was a massive spotted cow with utters spewing white milk and on it's body, the heads and arms of eight crazy maids, the despicable, scary ilk!

Something pleasant was next, though also quite odd. A dancing lady with nine heads, pirouetting and giving a nod.

And if the house wasn't crowded already, in jumped ten leaping lords, they just couldn't be steady. There was a frog lord, a dog lord, a grasshopper, gazelle, a rabbit, spider, reindeer, monkey, horse and kangaroo that bounced like hell!

In came the band, eleven alien pipers playing. They all blew on different flute like instruments, swinging and swaying! Toot, foot, swizzleroo boot, dootdoot prizzleboo, razzirazzi root!

And as Count Claus prepared to kick everyone out of the house with his cane, in floated a massive drum and he thought he had gone insane! Then floated twelve sets of flying hands and heads each with drumsticks, the most ghastly of dreads. They took their sticks to the drum, parup abum bum! The Count's brain was going numb!

Parup abum bum, they played more and more and the Count got dizzy and plummeted to the floor. All he wanted was a quiet Christmas evening, that's what he enjoys, but now he had all these unwelcome guests making all this horrible

NOISE NOISE NOISE!!!!

Finally, the Count rose to his feet, his eyes burning like yule logs, his howl was as fierce as that of a dog's. He put his arms in the air, prepared to shout and finally let out a earblasting....

GET OUT!!!!!

Out flew the drummers, the fluters and leapers, the nine headed dancer, the cow with it's housecreepers. Out with the pool party swans and the egg laying goose, the piranha rings, the chatty birds on the loose. And out with the french hens, out with the reptilian doves! And last of all, out with the pear tree with the partridge above!

Out with everyone, Merry Christmas to all! It's been one heck of a night, I've had quite a ball! Now I want to rest, take a much needed nap. I've certainly had enough of this ruckus and boisterous crap!

So he returned to his cocoa, to his cozy evening chair. And for the rest of the evening, the peaceful sound of a crackling fire and wind outside filled the air.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM DERRICK ZURN'S MOON OF TOONS!