dzmoot

[dzmoot]

In Inkwell Village was a Tuun named Rich who had a lemon for a head and used his lemony brain to crank out lemonade, which he then stored in his ice filled glass neck to sell for 25 lunar quarters. Norbert was quick to run over and get himself a glass which Rich gladly served with a twisty straw. Norbert gulped it down in a matter of seconds and declared that it was the best lemonade he had ever tasted, probably the best in the universe. When Rich had asked Flipp if he wanted a glass, Flipp turned his nose up and said he was allergic to lemons.

They give me warts, well, I mean more warts than usual!

Everyone laughed when who should show up but the master of exotic Tuuns himself, Patty Pus. He was happy to see Norbert again and informed Flipp of the news that the infamous gangster Pawsta the Hoard was dead. Apparently, he got locked in his bathroom for several days and had to resort to eating himself. Why Flipp was so thrilled over the news that he did a backflip, which he didn’t normally do because he had sciatica.

I’m so thrilled, I could jump to Earth and back again!

Patty Pus paid for their drinks as he informed them that he and his creatures were taking part in a festival later that evening, the Annual Bright Stars Celebration. Norbert was ecstatic for he had never taken part in a Tuun holiday before but Flipp was a little skeptical, for he knew the Tuun authorities would be on high alert and he didn’t want to be locked up like Huey and Nal. He was just a bit down on his luck, part of the reason he got wrapped up with them in the first place.

We tend to do a lot of off the wall, erratic things in the heat of the moment, don’t ya know!

Patty said that if it meant so much to him, he could disguise himself as one of his exotic Tuuns. Perhaps the cops wouldn’t know it was him!

That’s a great idea! Why didn’t that thought cross my genius mind before?!?!

The three of them parted ways with Rich as they got straight to work. They were so steadfast in fact that they didn’t see Knife Turkey’s mob approaching in the distance, like a swarm of angry bees!

[dzmoot]

The leader of these monsters was a pitchfork wielding poultry menace called Knife Turkey, named so because his tail feathers weren't feathers at all but sharp knives! He rallied the creatures around him as he gave his orders.

We will strike right at the heart of Inkwell Village! Everyone will bow to us, the BANEFUL BUNCH! Our goal, cause as much pandemonium as possible! We will show all Tuunkind that evil is infinitely stronger than good!

And he pointed his fork in the direction of the town as he led his menacing gang into battle. Unsuspecting Tuuns wouldn't know what to think when they first encountered the Baneful Bunch! Where was Norbert? Perhaps he would be the one to put a stopper in this travesty. He and Flipp had said goodbye to Illinois as they made their way back into the village. Flipp apologized again for leaving Norbert behind but he couldn't risk going back to jail. Now, he would have to tell Pawsta the Hoard about Aiken Drum's canister and who knows what the crime lord would do to him! Norbert vowed to stick by Flipp no matter what, for he forgave him for leaving him in the cave in the first place. Little did the two know that they were going to get some help from an unexpected pack, but first, Norbert needed a drink! Turtle frogs get awfully dry with no moisture around.

[dzmoot]

Unbeknownst to everyone, even though Flipp had destroyed the malevolent wand of Velmasara, the evil energy within it still loomed in the air like a dark presence, an evil soul without a body barely hanging on. A lot of the old palace had been left in ruins following the battle that took place earlier, but one thing that had remained surprisingly unscathed throughout the entire ordeal was the shelf of clay creations. About 30 or so clay monsters stood motionless on the shelves, some of their limbs and eyeballs had fallen off but the evil energy slowly creeped its way up the shelves as if it were climbing a ladder. One by one, it infiltrated each clay creature, bringing it to life, doubling it in size and filling it with its evil essence. Within just a few moments, the lifeless clay creatures became self aware, took their first breaths and readied themselves for chaos. They were quite looking forward to causing mayhem all over Namasis. But where would they strike first?

[dzmoot]

Flipp, you found me!

Well of course I found you. What’d you think, I was gonna leave you to rot in that cave? I just couldn't live with myself! And what the hell are you guys doing here?

Lord Zard turned his attention to the chainsaw wielding frog as he clashed his mighty wand against it, sparks flying into the air like fireworks. A powerful blast sent Flipp flying backwards as Zard jumped into the air. When he landed and slammed his wand onto the floor, it created a tremor, a shockwave so strong, it made the very foundation of the old castle falter like never before, several rocky pieces flying in every which way and a statue tumbling over. Still, Flipp was determined to take out Zard and hurled his chainsaw so fast, so ferociously, it looked like a dash of silvery light. All he really needed now was a hockey mask!

Zard’s wand gleamed a fiery red as if it were made from hot lava. His mechanical breathing was getting heavier.

Soon, you will be finished, and the little frog along with you!

Norbert, who had been taking refuge behind a pile of debris watched the heated fight as it reached its boiling over point. He watched as Flipp wrapped his whip like tongue around Zard's neck and dragged him across the floor. Then Zard tapped his tongue with the wand, electrocuting Flipp and lighting up his skeleton. Out of the corner of Norbert's eye, he saw something shimmer. When Zard took out the old work desk, several of the tools and knives held within it found themselves scattered all over the floor. In an instant, he concocted an idea, a wonderful, awful idea. Flipp and Lord Zard were locked so tightly into their fight, they might as well have been wielding swords. Unfortunately, Flipp was once again knocked on his posterior, sending his chainsaw twirling in the air like a possessed ceiling fan. When it landed, it cut into the floor and stayed there, vibrating for several moments until it shut off. As Zard got closer and closer to him, he conjured one more bubble of powerful energy.

Goodbye, my froggy opponent! It's a shame there is no beautiful princess to kiss you before you go!

And he went to deliver the killing blow when, what's that? A long butcher knife came flying towards him thanks to Norbert. Before he could knock it out of the way, it cut entirely through his wrist, separating his wand infused hand from the rest of his body. As Zard writhed in agony, clenching the stump where his hand once stood, all the evil energy inside of him began seeping out of him and back into the wand. Gone were the pulsating veins and muscles. Gone was the unnerving breathing mask and piercing blood red visor. Gone was the evil might of Lord Zard. Illinois was back!

What...what happened? Where's my hand?

He looked down at his metallic stump and looked over at the wand with the metallic hand fuzed to it.

What have I done?

Flipp explained.

It seems that the wand you were looking for contained a mighty powerful evil energy. When you put your hand on it, you became one with it, you became a vessel for that evil energy, but thanks to Norbert, you're back to your old self, I hope!

Norbert made his way over to Illinois.

I'm sorry about your hand. I'm sorry the wand did that to you.

Illinois was very saddened and rightfully so. He had spent a great deal of time looking for the wand and when he finally got it, the worst possible thing that could happen happened. To top it off, he attacked his friend and lost one of his hands.

I guess I won't be a magician after all!

Flipp sat down next to Illinois.

Well, I guess everyone's not meant to be a magician. Why don't you just stick to what you know best.

But I don't have a weapon! I guess I'll go back to using that lousy whip.

Then Norbert thought of yet another brilliant, bittersweet idea. He whispered into Flipp's ear and he too thought it was ingenious. He went over and plucked his dormant chainsaw out of the floor. He then cut that retched wand into about six pieces so no one would ever again become possessed by its nefarious power. Then, the three of them exited the palace but Illinois did indeed have a weapon. Inspired by one of Norbert's favorite horror films, Illinois Bones had a chainsaw forever fixated to his metal stump, a trusty chainsaw hand that would prove useful in any situation life threw at him.

Groovy!

[dzmoot]

And you shall be my first victim!

Lord Zard lunged towards Norbert, who quickly jumped out of the way and hid behind an old work desk. Zard blasted it apart in a matter of seconds then hurled poor Norbert against the wall. As Norbert fell to the floor, Zard lifted him up again and began driving him across the palace wall with his wand. Norbert fell yet again but this time, he quickly rose to his feet as he avoided Zard’s incoming energy blasts. Just then, Norbert discovered a small air vent and wiggled himself inside. He then may his way through the narrow shaft like Bruce Willis in Die Hard, but he could feel Zard’s overheated presence upon him like a kerosene heater. Plus, he could hear the mechanical breathing drawing closer and closer. Finally, the wicked Zard used his wand to rip the shaft clean open and pull Norbert out. Norbert was terrified, there was no place to run or hide. Zard levitated Norbert just a few inches from his mask.

Please, Illinois. I’m your friend, remember? Don’t hurt me!

Lord Zard has no friends, except for wickedness!

Just then, a quick thinking Norbert spat a wad of froggy mucus onto Zard’s visor. Free of his grasp, Norbert once again made his way towards a safe area, but was fired upon time and time again. A shard of debris came careening towards Norbert, leaving a lump on his pink head.

No where to run, little toad!

Then Zard conjured up a blast so powerful, it made the very walls and floors around them crack even further. A great ball of energy was swelling up like a balloon and when it was large enough, Zard readied himself and prepared to hurl it. If it hit Norbert, he would be nothing more than fried frog legs!

And then, out of left field, to Norbert’s great surprise, Flipp of all beings entered the room, wielding a chainsaw! Since the wand was forever fixed to Zard’s hand, Flipp was going to take it off with force, take Illinois’ hand along with it.

Anybody got a spare hand?!

[dzmoot]

Norbert and Illinois quickly made their way into the palace but treaded lightly, for they didn’t know what might be lurking around the corner. Illinois told Norbert a bit about this space witch Velmasara, the creator of the Tuun Titans. The wand that they were looking for was said to have the incredible power of making anything, anyone grow to an astonishing size and quadruple their strength. Maaze, the leader of the Confectoons was also on the hunt for it, for he wanted to become a Tuun Titan himself.

Imagine all the magic I’ll be able to perform with it. I always wanted to be a magician. They kicked me out of Pigpimples Magic School a while back. But I’ll show them I, Illinois Bones can do magic!

The duo made their way through several rooms of the castle, each with tapestries and ornate statues carved into the walls and staircases which reminded Norbert of Power Rangers. There was even a telescope which Norbert looked through, allowing him to gaze down at the humans of Earth as they went about their business. And right aside of him, a shelf full of several creatures sculpted in clay. Norbert and Illinois wondered if the Tuun Titans were sculpted from clay or ordinary Tuuns grown to massive size by the wand. Then, in the witch’s observatory, beneath a chair that was covered in ash, Illinois noticed the scepter out of the corner of his eye. He quickly made his way over to it and picked it up without any hesitation. He began to tear up at the immense beauty of the old weapon.

It’s more beautiful than I could have possibly imagined.

Norbert was happy too. Illinois had found the very thing he was so vigorously searching for for so many years. Perhaps he would change his name to Illinois the Magnificent! But wait, something was arising from the wand. It was a magenta colored energy of some sort. Illinois tried to put the wand down but it was like it was permanently glued to his hand. He tried harder and harder to separate his hand from the wand but just couldn’t do it. Before long, his hand was encased in a shiny silver which started to work it’s way around Illinois’ body. Within seconds, Illinois started sprouting muscles with big pulsating veins and a mask that gave him a metallic breathing sound. Finally, a piercing blood red visor which gave Norbert a great sense of dread as he looked into it.

Illinois? Are you okay?

The transformed Illinois turned to face his friend, but he was no longer the kind archaeologist Norbert knew. In a deep, raspy, almost robotic voice, the monster spoke for the first time.

Illinois is gone! I am Lord Zard, Emperor of All Things Evil!

[dzmoot]

Aiken leaped forward like the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz and hugged both of them with the tightest of grips. Illinois was a little skeptical. He was only determined to get the canister and donate it to a Tuun museum, not unleash the creature inside! Norbert however embraced Aiken like a long lost relative.

It's nice to meet you, Mr. Drum! I heard so much about you! Are your clothes really made of good roast beef?

The smell of Prego filled their nostrils.

Call me Uncle Drum and YES, yes they are, and a bit of chutney too! Oh boy, I've been locked away in that canister for such a long time, I got a charley horse! Sure is nice of you guys to set me free! Let's be friends, all of us! We gotta stick together, chums, compadres, muchachos!

Illinois broke free of Aiken's embrace.

You ain't nothing to brag about, you overgrown Italian food platter! Why, you're nothing more than a bumbling fool!

Aiken's smily face quickly shifted to a grimace.

Ah, a nonbeliever, eh? What evidence of my existence would you have beyond your own senses?

Illinois' stomach made a funny noise.

Well, I had a big lunch. You could be a blob of bad mustard, a fragment of an underdone potato skin. There's more gravy than of grave about you, or should I say, SPAGHETTI SAUCE!

Aiken leaned in closer. He spoke softly.

Well, to each their own, I guess! But what do I gotta do to prove to you I'm something to brag about! You know, my magic ladle can take you just about anywhere!

Norbert leaped forward, excitedly.

ANYWHERE?

Yep, I've traveled to many dimensions with that silver soup spoon. Hell, I've even seen an alternate version of you, Mr. Illinois Bones.

Illinois' curiosity peaked.

Oh really? What was he like?

You were a cat, actually. And you wielded a whip.

I used to wield a whip, but I wasn't really good at it. I gave it to one of the local superheroes and set out in search of the Stronghold Whip, the one the great Elmont used to defeat Count Kowntor. When that failed, I set out in search of a magic wand, the one that belonged to the witch Velmasara. I couldn't find her old palace on the dark side of the moon.

Aiken leaned in closer yet again. Illinois was getting a bit annoyed at this point.

Well, what if I made my ladle transport you to the palace. You could get that magic wand, you wouldn't think I was such a sham, we'd all be friends and well....I could go see if some other Tuun wanted to travel the multiverse or something.

Illinois was a bit skeptical and reluctant.

You ain't gonna stab us in the back. If you do, I'll turn you into stuffed cabbage! You'll be spaghetti pie!

Trust me, bloodhound. I'm a man, or a man made out of food, of my word!

And Illinois shook one of Aiken's banana hands. Norbert smiled as Aiken gleefully tapped him on the head.

Aiken then summoned his ladle, twirling it around as if it were a magic wand of his own. Suddenly, the rocky cave scenery around Norbert and Illinois started to become distorted, wishy washy as they were being transported to this so called dark side of the moon. Soon, they found themselves outside and standing in front of an old castle. Norbert was just as bewildered as Illinois who may have lifted his leg and urinated at the very sight of it.

Holy bully sticks!

[dzmoot]

Suddenly, Norbert heard a sound, but not just any ordinary sound. This sounded like paws, long nailed canis paws walking along the hard rocky floor making a clicking sound. Someone or something was down in the shrine with Norbert. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say it was a dog of some sort. Hopefully, it wasn’t a ravenous cave dweller with a craving for turtle frogs! As he saw the creature’s shadow approaching, he covered his eyes, but was surprised when he felt a paw gently tap his shoulder. Then he heard the sound of panting and a drop of slobber dripped down onto his head. It WAS a dog!

Not just any ordinary dog! I am Illinois Bones, the legendary Tuun archaeologist. What is a tiny fellow like you doing down here in Aiken Drum’s temple?

Norbert explained his dilemma.

My friends, well I thought they were my friends, they sent me down here to get an ancient relic and then they left me down here….wait a minute, how exactly did you get down here?

Illinois sat down next to Norbert.

There’s a secret passageway through the Bubbly Beer Bulldog! And these former friends of your’s, did they happen to be a frog, octopus and a cardinal?

Norbert jumped up and said YES!

Oh boy, you should’ve never trusted them, little guy. They’ll act like your friends one minute, the next they’ll hang you out to dry. Anything to save their own skins!

Norbert frowned.

Well, Huey and Nal weren’t really fond of me to begin with but Flipp, I really thought he could, he could be like a father to me! Illinois once again patted Norbert.

It’s alright, kid. It’s real hard these days to find someone you can truly trust. I have the same problem sometimes. Come on, let’s get this relic! It belongs in a museum!

So Norbert along with Illinois made their way to where Aiken Drum’s canister was. He warned Illinois that picking it up might trigger some sort of booby trap.

Don’t worry! I’ve been through many a temple in my day. None of them were rigged with anything out of the ordinary. Why should this one be any different?

And he swooped up the canister without a second thought. He looked around him in a frenzy to make sure nothing was going to jump out and hit him or impale him or crush him into a fine paste.

Of course. It’s always better to be safe than sorry!

As he and Norbert prepared to exit the cave, it seemed like everything was smooth sailing from there. Just then, before Illinois had time to react, a large stone fell from the ceiling and knocked the canister right out of his paw. The canister hit the cave floor and became a million pieces in a matter of seconds. Norbert and Illinois stood shell shocked as a great aura of smoke came pouring out the remains, like pouring liquid over dry ice. Then, through the cloudiness, they could see the silhouette of a man, long tendrils hanging down his head like dreadlocks and a large ladle rising right aside of him. With a mouth made of melted cheese and his banana hands crossed, he uttered his first words since God knows when.

Spaghetti or not, here comes Aiken Drum, back in the saddle!

[dzmoot]

Aiken Drum was an ancient being, a living food being from an alternate Earth (Foodie Earth) where they ate humans instead of the humans eating the food. He had a magical ladle which allowed him to travel the multiverse, a dangerous act that caused many people to become intertwined with their alternate universe selves. For his actions, Aiken was sealed away in a canister along with his ladle so he may never again cause any multiversal cataclysms. Now the legend has it that Aiken's brother also traveled with him to this universe and his heart's desire was to be reunited with his brother so the two could go back home to Foodie Earth. Aiken's brother's name, Pawsta the Hoard, the ruthless Namasis crime lord.

Of course, it's only a legend. Pawsta could very well want the canister because the two were so very similar with their spaghetti appearances, tomato sauce blood and need for cheese. Who knows! Nevertheless, the opening to Aiken Drum's shrine was a very small opening within the moon's crust, just enough wiggle room for the tiny Norbert to squeeze through like a wad of pink play-doh. Flipp gave him a long rope to get him down there and to get him back up. Norbert slowly but steadily worked his way through the tiny opening and held onto the rope tightly as to not fall several feet to the ground. Flipp gave him a smile through the entry way, his warm yellow eyes giving Norbert a boost of confidence.

May the Froggy Force of the Universe give you strength!

Norbert smiled back at Flipp as he gingerly made his way to the bottom. He then pulled out the map that Flipp gave him so he would know which direction to go in. As he pointed himself in the right path, he made his way to the area where the canister was being held. He saw in a movie once where a guy took a golden relic off a pedestal and a giant rock came out, nearly crushing him to death, so he was very careful not to remove the canister in a haste. Still, the walls around him seemed like they were moving, trembling ever so slightly and several rocky pebbles were falling all around him. Norbert began to get frightened, scared that the walls would cave in and he'd become trapped forever. In that instance, Norbert had been stricken with a case of speluncaphobia and he turned back around to go and talk to Flipp but to his surprise, Flipp was gone. Norbert had yelled up to him with no response and he began to suspect that Flipp, Huey and Nal had abandoned him. The rope he used to get down with was gone as well. Thus, he began trying to climb the rocky walls but kept sliding down over and over again. He even tried working up a good jump but alas, he couldn't even get halfway to the top. He started tearing up.

Flipp, Huey and Nal left Norbert when they were approached by the Tuun authorities who suspected that the trio were up to their usual foolish schemes. As the Tuun police came towards them, hellbent on taking them to the clink, they made a dash. Flipp, the one whom Norbert looked up to and thought could be a faithful mentor to him abandoned him without a second thought and now, Norbert was trapped deep down in a lunar cave with a very slim chance of getting out. Norbert tried to be brave, tried to look on the bright side. Maybe he'd figure out a way to get out, get back up to the top but for now, he was deeply saddened. He yelled up for help but his yells fell on no ears whatsoever. Would he become an ancient relic too, left to rot in the deep confines of Aiken Drum's shrine? The tears streamed down his eyes like Niagara Falls.

[dzmoot]

Flipp taught Norbert how to catch exotic lunar beetles and grind them into a fine paste. It wasn’t necessarily fine dining but Norbert admitted that it tasted a heck of a lot better than the moon rock burger and fries. Then he taught Norbert a bit about catching space flies with his tongue.

Just ease it out ever so slowly, aim it nice and good, FLING IT and then suck it up. Flies are a good source of protein for us amphibituuns!

Flipp’s accomplices, the octopus Huey and the cardinal Nal didn’t really say much. In fact, Norbert suspected that they didn’t care very much for him. When Norbert asked Huey if he could do a trick with his tentacles, the purple sourpuss cephalopod turned up his nose (if he even had a nose). Flipp explained their dilemma.

Eh, don’t mind him Norbert. He’s just down because he and Nal don’t have very much doe. Them two were snake oil salesmen for a great many years and when everyone caught onto their little “get rich quick” schemes, they wouldn’t give them a dime to spend, or a pot to pee in!

Norbert frowned.

Well, maybe I could help them. We could help them!

Flipp bit his tongue, made a face like her swallowed a thumbtack.

I’ve helped them long enough. That’s where you come in with your little mission. When you help us get what we want, we'll have enough tokens to swim around in, like a gold and silver ocean!

Norbert’s eyes widened.

Okay, what do you need me to do?

Flipp pulled out a small map.

Big shot gangster called Pawsta the Hoard is willing to pay a good price for an ancient relic. A long time ago, a being made entirely out of food descended from another dimension. He was imprisoned here on Namasis in some rocky canister that looks kinda like a trash can. We’re gonna go to the man in the moon’s underground shrine, grab the relic, turn it in and we‘ll all be rich!

Norbert’s eyes got even wider.

And what’s the name of this man in the moon made entirely of food.

They wrote a song about him on Earth. They call him, Aiken Drum! And you’re just about the right size to get into his shrine!

Norbert was flabbergasted. Aiken Drum was real! He truly wondered if his hair really was made of spaghetti and his eyes were meatballs! And perhaps the trio would share their wealth with him. He'd have enough money to send down to his mother on Earth to help with her financial struggles. Heck, they'd even be able to move out of their crummy little house and into a bigger abode, maybe a mansion!

[dzmoot]

It was another frog Tuun, puffing at a cigar. He was a bit imposing with his top hat and looked like he should be on a can of salted peanuts, but he smiled a smile that would probably cause a human’s face to break.

I’ll take care of this little hopper.

And he gave the waiters a handful of moon tokens, plus tip. When they walked away, the frog patted Norbert on his little pink head and escorted him over to the corner where he and his cohorts were standing. The octopus looked like he was drinking a lunar lime cordial. Norbert was relieved that he was able to get out of that pickle and thanked the frog, who revealed his name to be Flipp.

Don’t mention it! I really think it’s no coincidence we encountered each other. I call it, Froggy Fate. In fact, I was just telling Huey and Nal about how we could use a little Tuun vagabond like you in our ranks!

Norbert looked confused.

Ranks? Am I being drafted?

Flipp laughed and gleefully jumped into the air.

Yes, my little wad of chewing gum! You’re going to perform for us a great deed! Come along, we’ll tell you all about it along the way!

And Flipp signaled his octopus and bird friend to follow him as they all left the diner.

Norbert began to think that if all things worked out, this Flipp guy could be a father figure for him, filling in the void he had felt every day since his father passed. He figured that if he was going to make a new home on the Moon of Toons, it’s best to find someone to look after him. What better role model than a frog like him?

Norbert, you and I are going to have a lot of good times together!

[dzmoot]

Norbert felt great hunger swelling up inside him after the play and looked around to see if he could find a place to get a bite to eat. Patty Pus had recommended a place called the Lunar Lounge nearby and pointed Norbert in the right direction. It looked awfully small on the outside but upon entering the place, he could swear there were about 200 or more Tuuns, playing games, chowing down and mingling. Norbert had craved a double cheeseburger something awful and when he finally got it, he was dismayed to realize it was made from the moon rocks outside. Even the French fries had a gritty, chalky texture and he didn’t even want to know what the ketchup was made from.

My grandmother’s meatloaf is better than this crap! I’d be better off eating a plate of flies!

He snatched a large drumstick off a warthog Tuun when he wasn't looking and to his surprise, it too tasted like dusty moon rocks! He looked over and saw another Tuun eating a sandwich that looked like it consisted of dirty rocks and mayonnaise! Norbert couldn't believe it, the food on the moon sucked! He'd rather eat spinach or liverwurst or raw Spam than eat anything this place had to offer. He was so disgusted in fact that he attempted to storm out of the place when one of the bustuuns confronted him, demanding that he pay up. Norbert confessed he didn’t have any money on him but tried to finagle his way out of the situation by volunteering to wash dishes, but the waiters weren’t having any of it. The bustuun picked up Norbert and prepared to hurl him out the door, but all of a sudden, they heard a raspy, froggy voice from nearby. It sounded like a chain smoking Kermit the Frog.

Let the little lad go, fellas! I’ll pay the bill! Unhand the Turtle Frog!

Norbert was confused. Who was this guy that was trying to save his neck?

[dzmoot]

Now there had been several myths, stories, fairy tales spread throughout the years on how Tuunkind came to be. Past Tuuns weren't great at keeping records nor were there any history books for the Tuuns to look back upon. When Patty Pus came around with his portable zoo and theater, touting he knew the exact story, many dismissed it as creamed coated codswallop. Even the four Tuuns Norbert had seen earlier refused to have any part of it. Still, Patty made his way around the moon, engaging several fellow Tuuns with his creatures and leaving them gobsmacked when he set up his massive "Shadow Theater" which extended out the back of his caravan cart with the pull of a special lever. It was initially a golden rectangle with faces carved into it that opened up and extended upward, revealing two stages, one looking like the planet Earth, the other looking like Namasis, the Moon of Toons. On the stages, black shadow puppets with high pitched voices were the players. Who was making them talk? Who was controlling them? Were they being puppeteered from the back of the theater or underneath? Some mysteries are best left unsolved.

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Nathaniel Masters Sisko and he loved to draw. He drew all sorts of creations and longed to become a famous children's author. But it was a hard business to get into and many people stuck their noses up at his unique style. A depressed Nathaniel was about to give up on his dream when he was approached by a scientist. His name was Humphrey Dabertson. Humphrey "Malice" took Nathaniel under his wing and used his drawings to inspire his own hybrid creations. At first, Dabertson only used the parts of bugs to make his exotic creations but overtime, he set his sights on other creatures, household pets, livestock, wildlife. Nathaniel, a devote animal lover stopped Dabertson before he could begin his grizzly experiments and overtime, a disillusioned Dabertson fled to the moon, taking his whacky lab equipment with him.

As the tale went along, the stages came together to form only one stage as the meat and potatoes of the story was about to be told.

Dabertson came in contact with an alien creature, a few actually and began experimenting on one, a weird little blue creature, creating the very first Tuun. Another alien, discovered in an antique store on Earth was used to create the gelatinous substance from which all the other Tuuns would be spawned from. Dabertson had tricked Nathaniel into thinking he had abandoned his old ways and invited him to his moon laboratory to bury the hatchet. Nathaniel put his drawings skills to the test to bring several thousand Tuuns to life with the device Malice had invented, working in tandem with the antique store alien who was also an artist in his own right. Over the course of several years, the moon became heavily populated with these creations but it was only a matter of time before Nathaniel realized the truth. He had found out about the gruesome experiments Malice had been performing on the alien creatures and vowed to have him incarcerated. A violent brawl took place between the former friends at Malice's lunar chateau and....

To all the Tuuns' shock and awe, the stage had bursted into flames, spreading at a wondrous rate until all that could be seen was a cloud of black smoke. When the smoke dissipated, the stage was gone, not a trace of it to be found, no puppets to be seen. Patty Pus, clad in a tuxedo and top hat stepped forward. He knew the viewers were shocked by what they had just seen but assured them it was all part of the spectacle.

Both men perished in the fiery inferno. Eventually, the Tuuns came to realize that although he had a hand in their creation, Dr. Malice Dabertson was a bad egg. It was Nathaniel Masters Sisko that really brought the Tuuns to life and for that very reason, it was decided the moon would be named in his honor. That, my friends, is how the Tuuns came to be, that is how the moon got its name!

Everyone applauded.

[dzmoot]

Patty Pus let loose and lined all his creatures up in a long row so everyone could walk down in a straight path and see each one in all their glory. There weren't as many as Norbert originally thought, certainly less than there were in the Central Park Zoo but Norbert certainly was entranced by them nonetheless. If a rabbit back on Earth could remove its own eyeballs and juggle them with its ears, he'd probably be questioning his own mental state. Maybe he was questioning it a bit now, but everything in front of him was 100% real and wouldn't you know it, Norbert, in his Turtle Frog form would feel pain for the first time when a strange little wizard character called "HP" shot a lightning bolt from his forehead directly at Norbert, knocking him back several inches on his bottom. Patty was quick to put this hellion back in its cage as he helped Norbert back up on his feet.

Sorry about that, laddie! I'm sure the shock and awe, mostly shock will wear off in a moment or two. HP's just a little mad because we ran out of cockroach clusters!

To make up for it, Patty took Norbert to see perhaps the most magnificent of his exotic Tuuns. It was a fierce lion of all things but he wasn't cowardly nor kingly. This lion, who could only meow like an ordinary house cat was called Hildebrand and his speciality was lifting heavy barbells above his head. If that weren't enough to show off his incredible, Hulk like strength, Hildebrand would then take the barbells and bend them into a variety of shapes as if they were made of taffy. He took one of the barbells he had been lifting and shaped it into a swan. Patty then told Hildebrand to do his "special" trick and before Norbert's eyes, he lifted a barbell with his tail and threw it into the air, balancing it on his nose!

And all my cat can do back home is throw up behind the couch!

[dzmoot]

Come one, come all and see the amazing exotic Tuuns of me, Patty Pus! Also, prepare to see a very special showing of “How the Tuuns Came to Be!” It will put you in a trance, it will spellbind you! Join me, my fellow Tuun folk for an experience you won’t find anywhere else on Namasis! Join me for shear spectacle and enough wonder and excitement to fill a gas giant or two! Join me!

Norbert watched in awe as the small platypus pulled his caravan of creatures across the rocky moon floor. He figured that if he was going to join Tuunkind, it would be best to get to know them a bit more. This seemed like a golden opportunity. Thus, he followed the platypus and his massive chest of creatures along the path it left behind until Patty Pus made it to a large open area where he could open up the cages, set up the stages and prepare for the show. Norbert looked behind to see other Tuuns gathering around. They too were interested in seeing the supposed “experience of a lifetime”.

[dzmoot]

The town was called Inkwell Village and its many inhabitants, creatures that looked as though they leaped straight out of a plethora of Disney movies and Dr. Seuss books. It became clear to Norbert that in order to visit the moon, this so called Inkwell Village, he had to blend in with them, perhaps adapt to their environment because a mere human wouldn't be able to withstand just a few moments on the moon without a spacesuit. They'd get sucked up by the vacuum of space and turned into human Elmer's glue! Some of these creatures were wily as a coyote, others calm as the Dalai Lama and others didn't have much sentience to begin with, like a weird ball like creature with only two legs that Norbert tried to interact with, only getting a few "mews" and "blahs" from the creature. Norbert the Turtle Frog made his way to a nearby ravine and upon looking down into it, he saw something you surely didn't see everyday. It was a group of cartoons, decked out in uniforms and backpacks like the Ghostbusters, wielding weaponized plungers instead of ghost zappers against a King Kong sized toilet! A crap on this toilet and your bottom would be bitten clean off for sure!

Double, double TOILET trouble! Flushing burn and Clorox bleach BUBBLE!

Norbert stood and watched the encounter for several moments, watching as the long eared kangarabbit used his ears and tail like tendrils to take down the brown, putty like arms. The tall pink guy poked the toilet monster in the eye with his extractable nose or, as Norbert came to call it "Pinose". The little doll pulled out a jumprope and lassoed the bottom of the toilet while the vampire pig casted a spell of some kind on it. After some time, the toilet lay as a mound of shattered porcelain upon the ground. The poo emoji shaped creature that adorned the top of the monster, who was perhaps the one powering the beast from the beginning was subsequently imprisoned in a jar. It was one of the greatest things Norbert had ever seen. Not all the Flash Gordon adventures nor episodes of Buck Rogers had a battle or encounter on such a grand level as this. If Norbert had a phone on him, he would've surely recorded the entire thing. Putting it on Youtube and getting millions of hits would surely help his struggling mother pay the bills!

[dzmoot]

YIPPY KAI YAY MOTHER......Oops, better watch my mouth. Mom's liable to wash it out with soap!

Norbert's bed soared through the night sky at such a speed, all the stars looked like bright ribbons of light or neon icicles. He looked down to see the buildings below, decreasing in size, getting smaller and smaller until they all meshed together into millions of bright dots across the landscape. Then, Earth itself began to decrease in size, getting smaller and smaller until it was but a bright blue and green ball sitting in the dark sea of stars. Straight ahead, Norbert saw the moon clear as day, getting bigger and bigger until, what was happening? Norbert felt his skin start to change, turning bumpy, almost scale like. He was just about as pink as the eraser he used on his homework assignments and warts, there were lots and lots of warts all over. His teeth somehow got absorbed into his jaw and his tongue got long like it had been turned into elastic. Like a wad of gum or a dyed pink poodle dog, Norbert had transformed into...

A turtle frog!

It was probably his most favorite animal next to the marmoset and he was so thrilled by his new outward appearance that he began jumping up and down on his bed, trying out his new, chubby amphibian legs. Then he sat at the side of his bed, taking in the exotic, lunar environment as it came to the forefront. He couldn't believe what he was seeing, strange cartoony buildings scattered across the rocky plateaus. A couple of flying rocks and a few smoldering craters here and there but it was beautiful, just as he knew it would be. But he indeed wondered, why on Earth (or the moon) did he transform into a turtle frog in the first place? Little did he know that he was going to have quite an encounter with the moon's mysterious inhabitants and he was smack dab in the middle of their capital city!