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hiccanna-tidbits · 2 years

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HICCANNA MONTH WEEK 1, DAY 6 - “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO” “WE’LL FIGURE IT OUT” DRACULA DAILY AU

*Collapses in an exhausted heap and plops this on your dash* IT’S DONE IT’S FINALLY DONEEEEE

So anyways I was talking with @ohlooksheswriting about Dracula Daily and how Jonathan Harker has some of the biggest Anna Energy I have ever seen (i.e. the appreciation of good food, the general desire to give people the benefit of the doubt perhaps a little more than is wise, politeness even in the most dire of situations, the aggressive focus on the positive in the face of imminent doom, the general vibe of “ah no!!! I can't let my people down!!! Gotta push through even when things get dicey!!!”, whether it be with sketchy real estate deals or your sister accidentally freezing the kingdom etc etc), and there’s already some pretty suspiciously romantic undertones between Jon and Drac, so I was like “OMG Dracula Daily AU for Hiccanna Month??? DRACULA DAILY AU FOR HICCANNA MONTH???” And here we are XD

Fwiw I can totally see Hiccup being a loving househusband who spends his time nerding out over books on places he’s interested in, so it works, fight me. Also, I think Hiccup deserves to do the spooky little castle lizard crawl. As A Treat! And lawyer!Anna??? Immaculate. She has Elle Woods vibes and I intend to see her put them to full use. Anyways these two invented girlboss/malewife in this fic and I love that for them.

Not me legit doing an internet deep dive researching Transylvanian food for this, just so I could do justice to Anna’s foodie/generally-food-preoccupied tendencies XD That’s basically the only aspect of this I have any confidence is like...sort of accurate to the source material. Apologies in advance for any general anachronisms and/or inaccuracies in the way property attorneys and property law are portrayed here (property law practice was something admittedly a bit heavy to research for a fanfiction XD). I got most of my lawyer info from the Dracula emails themselves, and I tried not to use any anachronisms that don’t feel like they’d show up in Frozen or HTTYD themselves, so hopefully it reads all right. It prolly doesn’t feel as much like an old-timey period piece as I was hoping for, but hopefully I ensnared at least a little bit of the classic spooky gothic vibes. Idk.

I decided to try bolding instead of italicizing for emphasis to give the whole thing a more, like...“handwritten journal” feel? No idea if it worked, but I tried! XD (Also, in case you’re wondering, Anna starts off her journal entries with “Hi friend” because she considers her journal her friend!!!)

Is this more wholesome than the OG Dracula? Oh yeah, absolutely! Did I keep the impeccable comedy of the original book while swapping out the more horrific parts for a fluffest and angstfest of a romance that would probably make Bram Stoker turn in his grave? Definitely! Listen, I was too jam-packed with internalized misogyny to have a Twilight phase in 2008, so I gotta get that angsty vampire romance nonsense out of my system now before it consumes me. So something something AU of “what if the real-estate-buying vampire...wasn’t evil??? What if he was a sadboi instead???” Sometimes I get to have a few supernatural monster sadbois who get girlfriends anyways. As A Treat. Also yes, Anna caring more about workplace romances being unprofessional than dating a dude who sucks blood is the hill I will die on because a) it’s absolutely hysterical to me and b) it feels oddly in-character??? Girlie will give you the benefit of the doubt to ridiculous extents, but not if it gets in the way of important duties and responsibilities! She also has fried post-BAR brain so like. That doesn’t HELP--

So, without further ado, join me for this fun, wacky jaunt into the life of newly-certified lawyer Anna, going on a business trip to Transylvania and hoping to collect some local recipes for her two recently-engaged best friends! She hardly expects to be so taken with her first client’s eccentricities, nor did she ever dream that a rather inconvenient and unprofessional crush on him would blossom, but life is full of surprises! Featuring Merida and the Thorston twins as Count Haddock’s slightly-unhinged freeloading eternal roommates, and a little Jackunzel on the side--as a treat!!!

Not me thinking about how if I had the drive to make this a longer thing the endgame pairing would probably be Hijannunzel to pay homage to the shameless polyamory of the source material akbsahydgewoyvd

Fic under the cut! As always, moodboard pic credits available upon request!

***

May 15

Hi friend,

Anna Runeardsen here! Or should I say Certified Property Attorney Anna Runeardsen here!!! My god, I still can’t believe I passed the BAR. I passed the BAR!!! I PASSED THE BAR!!!

Anyways, you already know that. Duh. I’ve said it like 5 times already. I’m just still in shock. Like I go to law school like “let’s see what happens! Maybe I’ll flunk out!” but then I didn’t? And here I am! Those all-nighters took years off my life I’m never getting back, though. My brain still kind of feels like mamaliga.

Wow. I have a lot of news. I don’t really know where to start, because a ton of stuff has happened since I last wrote. Maybe I’ll start with the little things?

So first off, my god, the other night I had the BEST roast chicken!!! Literally so good!!! I don’t know what it is about the cooking here—maybe turning it over a blue fire gives it a slightly different flavor? I mean yeah, I don’t know for sure Count Haddock’s been cooking with those blue inferno circle things, but maybe that’s what gives it the kinda extra-savory, smoky flavor? Anyways, he gave me the recipe! Turns out he just used some salt and pepper and cloves and a bit of saffron and then drenched it in this olive oil mix. I’ll have to see if it tastes any different when I try making it back home in Oslo. I’ll add the recipe to the collection I’m giving to Jack and Punzie.

Can I just say, by the way, how GREAT that is going??? I’ve only been here a few days, and I’ve already got 5 recipes!! I’ve got mamaliga, paprika chicken, mititei, szekelyalmas, and the Count Haddock Roast Chicken Special! At this rate, I’ll have a whole bookful of them by the time I go back to Norway. Actually, I think I am gonna bind what I have into a nice little book, and give it to Jack and Punz as a wedding gift. It’ll be so exciting to make all this new food!!!

I still can’t believe Jack and Punz are finally getting married, honestly. Took him long enough to propose! I seriously thought I was going to have to fail and retake the BAR a few more times, and THEN maybe they’d finally be engaged. Right before the big boss man sent me out on this special mission, Punzel told me Jack stumbled up to her by the fountain in her estate garden and just started rambling incoherently. He pulled out the ring, and his hands were shaking so badly that he dropped it in the fountain??? So Rapunzel sees and she notices Jack was doing really bad at the whole talking thing just then, so she diffuses the tension by saying “well, if we’re wishing on things we’re throwing in the fountain, I wish you’d marry me!” And then she picks up the ring and proposes to HIM with it!!! Let me tell you, it was a whole thing. I really have to work on that maid of honor speech when I get the chance. They’re my two best friends in the world, and I want to do them justice!!!

But back on the topic of food! Did I mention Count Haddock does all his own cooking? I think he’s kind of embarrassed about it because he keeps pretending like he has a whole kitchen staff. When he gave me the roast chicken recipe, he said “here, let me go fetch it from the chef” and ran off into the hall, but…then I heard him doing this thing where he was like…stepping more and more quietly to make it seem like he was getting farther away? And then I could have sworn I heard him scribbling something? Anyways, he gets back with the recipe and there is no WAY he had time to go all the way down to the kitchen.

I don’t know what his deal is. The boss would probably say it’s a rich person thing. I don’t know why they’re so ashamed about cooking??? I mean, I’m not RICH rich or anything, but I’ve cooked loads of times and I never developed the black plague or leprosy or what have you. And look at Rapunzel—her family is drowning in money, and she still plays around in the kitchen! She loves keeping busy and hanging out with the kitchen staff, but it doesn’t make her any less of a fancy lady.

I’ve been trying to get Count Haddock to open up about his cooking. Just, you know, raving about how good it is, compliments to the chef, et cetera et cetera, in sort of a wink-wink-nudge-nudge kind of way. A lot of the men back home really brighten up when I shower them with compliments, so I was hoping Count Haddock would do the same. Sometimes the fellows back home will even try to one-up you and start gloating about their accomplishments if you compliment them enough! Not Count Haddock, though. He seemed really nervous, and just mumbled that he’d be sure to tell all that to the cook. I DO think I saw him blushing, though??? Kind of hard to tell—his skin is this pale whitish, and it turned kind of grayish for a second. I wonder why his blood looks so weird. I shouldn’t pry, though.

Count Haddock is actually SUCH a sweet host, and I wish he wouldn’t be so self-conscious about it! Like I’m not going to judge him for not having servants. I think it’s admirable how hard he works, doing everything himself! Did you know I caught him making my bed the other day? GOD, so many men I know wouldn’t be caught dead doing “woman’s work” or “commoner’s work” or whatever. He’s so humble!!! He really wants me to be comfortable, even if he has to do all the work on his own. Imagine what a thoughtful and attentive husband he would make! It’s not every day you find a man who’s willing to help with the housework without complaining every step of the way.

I MEAN—

God, I shouldn’t be talking like this. He’s my client, for god’s sake, and I have to keep our relationship professional. The entire firm is counting on me succeeding!!! But sometimes I—well, I don’t know. He keeps leaving these little mints on my pillow, and even the nicest places I’ve stayed don’t do that. I mean, they give me maybe 1 mint when I check in or something, but not every night or anything like that. He’s so consistent!!! Sometimes the mints even have a little chocolate coating, and I have to wonder if he remembers me saying I’m really into chocolate?

Maybe it’s just a coincidence. Either way, it’s a nice gesture.

Count Haddock is honestly such an interesting person. Unusual, but like…in the best kind of way. He’s so into Oslo—has a whole shelf of books about it and everything. I came in the other day and caught him reading…an Oslo train schedule??? A little boring for my taste, but it’s nice to see someone with an appreciation for our public transportation systems. They’re not half bad, if I do say so myself.

I started talking to him in the library the other day, and the time completely got away from me. I just got so swept up in the conversation, and he was so excited, telling me all the things he learned from his books about Oslo and recounting some of his old family stories. Did you know Norway is apparently his ancestral home? He said his ancestors used to tame dragons there!!! DRAGONS!!! They’ve been extinct for hundreds of years now, as far as I know, but Count Haddock’s ancestors saw them with their own eyes! It’s crazy. I think that’s part of why he wants to move to Oslo. To him, it feels much more like his homeland than Transylvania does.

I asked how he ended up in Transylvania, and he got really sad—completely crushed, honestly. I felt so bad—I told him we could drop the topic if he wanted. But he said it was fine, saying it was only natural to be curious. Apparently there was some huge war in Scandinavia all those years ago, and his ancestors and their dragons fought side by side. Then a terrible evil guy named Drago Bludvist found a way to control the dragons and possessed them all to leave Count Haddock’s ancestors and their village. One of his ancestors was the next in line to be chief, and his dragon was killed in battle. His spirit was too broken to continue fighting after that.

It was a little weird—he looked so downtrodden and miserable when he talked about his ancestor’s dragon dying. If I didn’t know better, I’d say HE was the one who lost a dragon. That would be ridiculous, though—no one lives to be THAT old. I guess he feels like…really intimately connected with his past family, and all their pains and struggles. It’s kind of inspiring, in a weird way—if not a little atypical.

Anyways, he says with their dragons gone, his ancestors were overwhelmed by Bludvist’s armies and had to flee. Considering all the literal dragons this Bludvist guy had at his disposal, no surprise, I guess, that he was able to chase them all the way across the continent. The only place they could find to hide was tucked away in these imposing-looking mountains, where they eventually built a fortress of sorts. They’ve been there ever since—well, Count Haddock has, anyways. He’s the last of his family’s descendants, and the rest of his ancestors’ village dispersed long before he was born.

Seems lonely, honestly. I asked him how he managed, with no family to keep him company, and he claims the servants are company enough. That just made my heart hurt, since I know damn well he doesn’t have a single staff member waiting on us. Seems to me like Count Haddock’s been alone for longer than he’d care to admit, and he doesn’t want to admit how painful isolation can be.

Anyhow, he told me about all kinds of fascinating things, and just—his eyes were shining so bright and he was so giddy and so excited and he was grinning so big (yeah, I know I should probably be concerned about the fact that two of his top teeth are honed into these long, sharp points that don’t look very natural…but they look so pretty when he smiles!!! How can I hate them???) and I couldn’t bear to stop him. Then, before I knew it, it was morning already! Can you believe I was up all night talking to him? It really only felt like a few minutes! Went a lot faster than all the nights I had to stay up studying, that’s for sure.

Well, anyhow, Count Haddock said he had to take care of some business when the sun started to come up, and…wow. As soon as I left, the exhaustion decided to come back from lunch—or wherever it skipped off to when the Count was with me. The distinct feeling of numbing, on-the-brink-of-death emptiness and muddy swamp brain I remember from my exam-taking days hit me like one of those trains Count Haddock is all too fond of. I decided to take a nap, and I feel a lot better now.

Can I tell you something, friend? I know I shouldn’t be saying this. It’s probably really out of line, considering Count Haddock is a man of class and high status and all, but…okay, I’ll say it. (I know you won’t tell.) I’m worried about him. Sometimes I hear him letting out plaintive wails in the middle of the night, when I guess he thinks no one is listening. Or shuffling down the halls, looking sullen and miserable and muttering about what a terrible monster he is. I’m a little surprised—I mean, the men back home ARE embarrassed when they have to do housework or kitchenwork, but I’ve never seen any of them spiral into such a vat of self-loathing over…I don’t know, making a bed and cooking a chicken, that they call themselves a MONSTER over it. Seems a little rude to the people who actually DO do those kinds of menial things for a living, but maybe I’m misinterpreting what’s going on here. Maybe he’s talking about something else. You have to be open to a number of different scenarios when you’re looking for an explanation—in my line of work, at least.

Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s not as bad as he thinks. Take it from me—sometimes you’re so sure you’re the worst person in the world and totally not good for anything, and then you graduate law school and pass the BAR!!! Count Haddock is a kind man, and he shouldn’t be so hard on himself for being unconventional. He’s a fantastic homemaker, a charming conversationalist, and an excellent cook! What could he hate about himself so much?

There IS one thing that’s a tad off-putting, but it’s probably not too big a deal.

The other night, I went out to find him—mainly just to tell him that I think he’s wonderful and appreciate his hospitality. I don’t know how long he’s been alone in here, and since he seems to regard himself so poorly…well, I don’t know how long it’s been since someone said something nice to him. I intend to change that! Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves, even when they live alone in a kind of creepy castle in the middle of nowhere and cover up weird things about their household activities and close their eyes whenever I get a cut and constantly look at my crucifix necklace weird.

Anyways, so I stopped to admire the view out one of the castle windows, and then I saw a head pop out a window a little ways below. Didn’t take long to realize it must be Count Haddock—I think I’d know those wiry, well-built shoulders and that luscious mop of dark hair anywhere. He’s hard to miss.

So he puts one of those thin, elegant hands of his (look, he gestures a LOT when he talks—I’ve become very familiar with the way his hands look. I’m not being weird or anything.) on the castle wall, and sort of…pulls himself out of the window? And then before I know it, he’s stuck all his hands and feet on the stones and is clinging like a gecko. I kind of wonder if his ancestors’ dragons infused him with reptilian powers or something. So then he scuttles down the wall, and his cloak is blowing every which way, and it was VERY weird to watch. I stood there for a really long time trying to process what—pardon my French—the FUCK just happened.

That said! I don’t think being able to walk on walls is EVIL, it’s just…kind of unsettling? I want to ask him what’s up with that. But I also wonder if that’d be too nosy. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to see?

Oh well. If this is all Count Haddock is upset about, then I think it’s fine. I wish there was a way to tell him it’s not scary. I think it’s an amazing ability, personally! (So lucrative if you want to go rock-climbing, especially.) If a little…odd. Still, I want him to know it doesn’t make him a monster, no matter what anyone else says.

May 18

Hi again friend,

Wow, do I have news!!! Some of it’s sort of disquieting, but some pretty good, so…net positive?

So the good news is that I’m pretty sure Count Haddock is into me. Like…into me into me. You know what I mean. (I’m not holding my breath for a ring or anything, since I know it took months of formal courting for Jack to pop Punzie the question! But I just have a feeling??? I don’t know, I could be entirely off-base. Like a court case red herring or something.) The bad news is that Count Haddock has some…friends? Roommates? Some guys who live in his castle and definitely want to eat me. No, I will not elaborate on that.

Just kidding! I absolutely will elaborate. It’s literally my job! I PASSED THE BAR!!! I rant to people about laws and logic for a living!!!

Anyways, do you remember those locked rooms Count Haddock told me to avoid? Because of ghosts or something? I mean yeah, I guess I can understand how spirits would be a safety concern, but I figured logistically, how bad could they be? I mean, they try to punch me or kick me or bite me or what have you, and it’ll go through me, right? And according to some of the books I’ve perused in the library, the worst ghosts can do is like…knock a cup over here and there. Well, I’ve seen Jack’s cats knock mugs and glasses over plenty of times, and I lived to tell the tale! If the ghosts come for me, this property attorney is READY.

So all this to say I got pretty bored, and I, uh. I may have gone creeping around in the rooms Count Haddock told me not to. Whoops. To be fair, I normally wouldn’t have, and just sought out Count Haddock for company, but he was running errands.

I don’t know if I mentioned, but he asked me if I could stay a little longer so I could help him learn Norwegian. He speaks mostly Transylvanian, and a little Old Norse, too. Pretty impressive his ancestral language was passed down through the family for this long! He told me his parents taught him as a kid but got kind of weird and evasive when he started talking about his childhood. I don’t know why—maybe he’s self-conscious about knowing such an old language? He doesn’t need to be. Lots of people have ancient dialects passed down through their family lineages, I’d bet!

Anyways, I wrote a letter to Jack and Rapunzel and the big boss man telling them I was staying a bit longer and assuring Jack and Punz I’d be back in time for the wedding. Count Haddock said he’d run all the letters to the post office to save me the trouble—such a gentleman!—although he grabbed all the envelopes in his teeth and gecko-ran down the wall again when he thought I wasn’t looking. I mean, I don’t mind when he does this—it’s kind of morbidly fascinating to watch, actually—but I do have to wonder why he doesn’t just use the front door.

So the hours sort of dragged by, and I guess I’ve read basically all I can in the library. Everything else is in Old Norse or Transylvanian, and I mean…it’d be nice to learn a couple new languages, but I don’t think I could do it in one night, you know? And okay, against probably my better judgment, I decided to go check out this ghost business. How bad can it be? It’ll spice things up a little, at least!

Heh. Spice. So many nice spices here! Did I mention that Count Haddock made the most delicious mititei the other night? It’s these little meat rolls with sour cream inside and all this paprika, saffron, and cloves sprinkled on it, and I LOVE IT!!! Really, if Count Haddock didn’t have all that old family money, I’d suggest he go into hospitality or the cooking business or something. Punzel’s an amazing cook, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think she’s ever made me stuff this good. Am I a bad friend for saying that…? Maybe I’m just a little preoccupied, since Count Haddock is so…I don’t know…

Oh, right. I was talking about the ghost adventure. Well, it didn’t actually turn out to be a ghost adventure, but it sure was…something.

So anyways I was bored out of my head, so I wandered around and tried a bunch of the doors. This one was actually unlocked, and it led into this big fancy room with all these couches and tables and stuff—maybe a parlor or something?—and this HUGE panoramic window!!! Like I could see the whole SKY and all this silvery, moon-washed forest and hills and landscape and I am here to tell you it was EPIC. It’s times like those that I wonder if this is actually the best business trip ever, despite the lizard-walking and the weird lack of servants and that one thing Count Haddock does around mirrors where he sort of tears up and runs away.

I found this one nice velvety green loveseat-looking thing, and I wiped the dust off (only a little bit—victory!) and just laid on it for awhile and admired the view. It was kind of relaxing, taking in the nightscape and the moonlight and feeling this weird kind of peace. Ironic, since this castle seems like it SHOULD give me the major creeps, but…I guess in that moment, it really didn’t. It felt almost like…home. Is that weird?

Probably. I feel like I should be more concerned about the fact that I don’t really mind not having seen the sun for a while. How long has it been? A week? Two weeks? Ah, well—it’s not like I can’t remember what daylight looked like. Granted, my memory historically hasn’t been the best, and I probably wouldn’t have passed the BAR without lots of…whatever Ingrid Olsen was slipping me, but I can remember what’s important, okay?! Or not important, maybe, so much as like…things that don’t make me feel like I’m drowning in information. Point being, I’m not forgetting how sunlight looks anytime soon, so I can just file that away in my brain and focus on the moon right now. Or at least that was my train of thought last night.

I think I must’ve dozed off, because the next thing I knew, I heard these voices drifting over from the corner. My first thought was “ah, great, how am I gonna tell the big boss man that I’ve lost it??? That’ll be so bad for business!” But the voices seemed way too distinct for my brain to have made them up. I mean, one of them had this really thick Scottish accent! Why would my brain randomly make up a Scot living in Transylvania?! It doesn’t make any sense. And if there’s one thing they taught me in law school, it’s that MOST things have a rational explanation behind them, and the occasional completely illogical nonsense is the exception rather than the rule, etc etc.

Anyways, I kind of slowly sat up to see what was going on, but I tried to be inconspicuous about it. I didn’t know who these people were, and I mean…just because Count Haddock lives in a creepy castle and is really nice doesn’t mean EVERYONE who lives in a creepy castle is going to be really nice, you know?

Besides, I was like, are these people even supposed to be here?! Count Haddock never mentioned living with anyone besides servants, and these people didn’t look like servants. They seemed to all be fancy ladies—well, it was a little hard to tell in just grayish moonlight, but the Scottish lady had this huge, luxurious mane of red curls, and the other two had this long, shiny blonde hair. And they didn’t really hold themselves like the common folk would, I don’t think. Does Count Haddock have a bunch of aristocratic squatters?! How did they even get in here, with all the locked doors???

I probably don’t need to tell you, but I really didn’t trust these strange girls. I mean, I study property law—I KNOW you have to be careful with squatters. I decided to eavesdrop for a while, just to figure out what was going on. Here’s what I got:

Scottish Lady: I’m telling you two, he wouldn’t have let her wander in here if he didn’t want us to have a little scran!

Blonde Lady #1: Ugh, you’re so stupid. Isn’t he doing a property deal with her or something? He probably doesn’t want her sucked yet.

Scottish Lady: Wait. THAT’S the lawyer?!

Blonde Lady #2 (who actually had a pretty deep voice, so come to think of it…was probably actually a guy with long hair??? My mistake): So what? Lawyers are a dime a dozen! We drain this one, and the head lawyer guy in the firm will just send another one.

Scottish Lady: You gommy! What are we going to tell him, ‘Ah, our bad one of your employees mysteriously vanished while staying in our castle! We’ll do better with the next one, we promise!’

Blonde Guy: Sounds like Hiccup’s problem, not ours. He’ll be fine, he can reason with anyone. And didn’t you JUST say we should suck her?

Scottish Lady: Yeah, but I didn’t know that’s the property lady! I thought she was just some village lass he charmed in here.

Blonde Guy: In THAT kind of business casual?

Blonde Lady: Ugh, I don’t CARE anymore. She’s starting to look too delicious for me to care what Hiccup thinks. He can find himself another lawyer.

Scottish lady: Maybe you’re right. A quick little slurp couldn’t hurt.

Blonde Guy: Yeah, that’s the spirit! We’ll leave enough for her to sell us the land plot or whatever.

Blonde Lady: Aw, Thor, YES! Dinnertime! Uhhhh, someone else go first, though. I don’t want to get thrown out the window again.

I really had no idea why they were talking about me like I was some kind of fancy buffet, but I decided I didn’t want to stick around to find out. I tried to slink out while they were bickering, but these people were alarmingly fast. I’d barely started to get up before they suddenly surrounded the couch, the blondes on either end and the Scottish lady eyeing me up in a way I was not super crazy about.

“Oh, beautiful young lass!” she purred. She climbed on top of me before I could even move, and before I knew it, she was straddling me. I pretty much froze up because I mean…no one is EVER that forward with me that fast, let alone strange women I’ve just met. Also I mean. I’ve never given much thought to liking women like THAT. I mean…I guess I’m not opposed, and maybe what happens in weird Transylvanian castles can stay in weird Transylvanian castles, but the fact remained that I didn’t even know this lady’s name and she was already looking at me like she wanted to…I don’t know. Do things not really discussed in polite society.

“Our hair matches. How about that?” she said, in kind of this thick, breathy voice. She picked up a lock of my hair and twirled it between her fingers, pressing it up against her own curls. They were in fact pretty close in color. But, man, was that awkward. I’m not super stingy about my personal bubble or anything, but that was a little much. Like, not because she’s a lady or anything—that part I was strangely okay with. More because I only met her five minutes ago (if you can call this making someone’s acquaintance), and also the metaphors comparing me to dinner weren’t my favorite.

She leaned down and whispered in my ear “you know what else is a very pretty shade of red?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out. But did I have much choice at that point?

That’s about when she lowered her face to press it against my neck (which I might have been into otherwise, but for god’s sake, we were NOT at that point yet!). Then I felt two very sharp teeth piercing into the skin just below my jawline.

I barely had time to start panicking before this huge roar shook the room, louder and fiercer than the dragons I’ve read fairy tales about. OR the ones Count Haddock described.

Then someone’s hand was around the Scottish lady’s neck, and she was being yanked into the air. I saw this flash of green eyes and white fangs, and that’s when I realized.

God, it was Count Haddock. And I had NEVER seen him that furious before. It seemed like every part of him was radiating rage. He was tensed up like a panther ready to spring, his eyes all flaming malachite and his teeth bared like a wolf’s. He took the Scottish lady and slammed her against the wall, hissing.

I honestly never imagined he was that strong, what with those skinny limbs of his. Some kind of adrenaline rush helped, I imagine.

I was stunned. I couldn’t say anything—I just laid there. Count Haddock was friendly, but I never knew he cared so…passionately about my safety. It’s flattering, thinking back on it. At the time, though…well, I’ll admit I was a little taken aback.

“Great Odin’s ghost, what is WRONG with you?!” he spat. “Attorney Runeardsen is our guest, and this is NOT how we treat guests! You dare lay so much as a FINGER on her when I’ve told you to leave her be?!”

The Scottish lady choked, and Count Haddock threw her at the blonde lady. They both stumbled back, the blonde man scurrying over to hide behind them.

“What, you let your little pet go wandering about the castle, and you’re surprised when we think she’s free for the taking?” the Scottish lady said scornfully.

Count Haddock stepped in front of the couch, shielding me from his three strange cohabitors. I saw he was so angry he was shaking, and he had to run a hand along the wall to steady himself, His fingernails dug into the wood like claws, and left long gougemarks.

I hadn’t noticed before then how sharp his nails were. Maybe seeing those two pointed front teeth so often desensitized me to sharp things on Count Haddock’s person. Maybe I should have been more alarmed. Truth be told, though, in the moment I was glad he was pulling the intimidation card on my behalf.

“She’s not my pet,” he snarled at his cohabitors. “She’s my business associate. If any of you so much as LOOK at her again, there’ll be hell to pay. You want Ms. Runeardsen, and you’ll have to go through me.”

“What’s so special about her?” the blonde lady griped. “She’s just a property lawyer! Can’t you get another one?”

“Yeah! We’re hungry!” the blonde man added crossly. “You haven’t brought us anything to eat in two weeks.”

I remember thinking, huh. They don’t look too worse for wear, for not having eaten in a fortnight.

Count Haddock scoffed. “A lot of business you have complaining when you three haven’t paid rent in 400 YEARS! I’ve been sharing my home with you, letting you freeload century after century, and THIS is how you thank me?!”

“Oh, here we go again, with the rent lecture,” the Scottish lady complained.

“Yeah, when are you gonna let that go, man?” the blonde man demanded.

“I’ll let it go when your lazy behinds start getting your OWN meals,” Count Haddock shot back, starting to sound tired.

“Why ARE you so enamored with that lawyer, anyways?” the blonde lady asked.

“Oooooohhhh!” the blonde man sneered. “Hiccup’s in looooove!”

The Scottish lady let out a harsh cackle. “Don’t be daft, both of you. He can’t love any more than we can. Not anymore.”

“Speak for yourself.”

Count Haddock’s voice softened, the anger and frustration seeming to drain out. He turned to face the three freeloaders, and I caught a glimpse of the side of his face.

His expression was tense, and his eyes were glistening in the darkness. He looked almost…sad.

“Maybe you’ve decided you can’t love anymore,” he said quietly. “But I’m not so sure.”

His whole body suddenly looked so crumpled and broken, and more than anything I just wanted to hold him. Sweep myself under that dark green cape of his and wrap my arms around his waist and tell him everything was going to be okay and he wasn’t unlovable and that I’m so grateful he probably saved my life. But with everything happening so fast, and his three creepy friends so close by, I just…I still couldn’t move.

“So, what?” the blonde man whined. “We don’t get any dinner? You promised!”

Count Haddock sighed. “FINE. You really don’t deserve it, after that horrifying stunt you pulled, but dinner’s in the bag.”

He walked over to the door and grabbed a large bag he had left there, slinging it over his shoulder. As he came back, I noticed something long and mangled sticking out of the top.

It was—and I wish I was joking—a human arm.

I thought all that talk of sucking and slurping and eating me was some kind of bizarre metaphor, but I guess not. Count Haddock and his friends, evidently, actually do eat people.

I guess my brain decided that was enough stress for one night, because the next thing I knew, I blacked out.

When I woke up, I was in my own bed. Pretty sure I didn’t sleepwalk all the way back here, so the only thing I can figure is that Count Haddock carried me. It’s vague, but the last thing I remember before I passed out is feeling his arms scooping under my legs and shoulders.

He must’ve carried me like a bride. Like Jack is going to carry Rapunzel after their wedding this summer. And all the way down the hall, too. And then he tucked me into bed and blew out the candles.

The thought shouldn’t make me blush as much as it does. I know it’s unprofessional. (Not to mention he also eats people.) But something about him…

The more I came to, the worse it got. As in, I realized he also left a glass of water on my bedside table and a platter of little mints and fresh Belgian chocolates, folded all my clothes on the floor and put them on a nearby chair (look, it is HARD keeping my room tidy, okay?!), and even changed me into a nightgown. All these little favors for me while I’m not even conscious, on top of keeping me safe from those strange roommates of his? How are you supposed to maintain a “strictly professional” relationship with—well, with someone like THAT? Someone who treats you so softly, and senses your needs better than you can, and is willing to unleash the wrath of a thousand ravenous beasts on anyone who may wish you harm? I mean yes, I should check up on what exactly the cannibalism situation is, but other than that…

I don’t know. Call me a naïve, wide-eyed sap, and a sorry excuse for a certified property attorney, but I don’t know if I can be “just colleagues” with Count Haddock. Something in me tells me we’re meant for something more.

Is that stupid? Probably. Nonetheless!

Human-flesh-eating aside, could you ask for a more perfect man??? I think not!

May 20

Hi friend,

Okay, SO. Hiccup finally told me what’s actually going on.

Yes, Hiccup! Uh…so Count Haddock and I are on a first name basis now. But more on that later.

So it all started when he called me in for dinner. So much good stuff last night, let me tell you—there was this kind of fried pancake thing called clătite brașovene, covered in batter and with beef, mushrooms, and breadcrumbs inside. It tasted amazing!!! He also made me this stuff called “robber steak,” and you really HAVE to try it—bacon, onion, and beef, red pepper seasoning, what’s not to love??? It reminded me so much of the little kebabs you can buy on the street back in Oslo! You know, the ones you give to the cats?

I got so excited when I saw the kebabs that…I think I squealed? Kind of unprofessional, but oh well. Probably so is lizard-walking down walls on all fours and feeding human bodies to your roommates, so Hiccup’s not in a place to judge. Anyways, I DID get a little embarrassed, and I guess I expected him to look amused, but he just seemed…sad?

And I couldn’t help it, I told him how much his robber steak reminded me of all the cats I buy street food for (and there are a lot…Jack’s always teasing that I’m going to blow through my first real paycheck buying dinner for every stray in Oslo), and how it felt like a little piece of home. And I swear, I think he teared up at that.

His tears weren’t…clear was the thing. It kind of looked like there was a little blood in them? He wiped them away too quickly for me to really tell. Anyways, his voice got curt and he corrected me, saying it wasn’t HIS robber steak but his COOKS’, and I shouldn’t group him in with commoners, etc etc. It sounded stilted, though, like he was rehearsing a script. And he wouldn’t meet my eyes as he said it.

He started to leave—and yes, I’ll admit it was a little undignified, but I called after him and asked him to stay for dinner. Not even to eat (seeing as he somehow always manages to eat before me), but just for company. It gets so lonely here, and he really did seem so melancholy. I thought maybe if we had an engaging conversation, we could perk each other up!

But he rushed off, saying he had to make dessert—and then immediately correcting himself that no, the COOKS had to make dessert. And he was gone, and, as usual, I had to eat my clătite brașovene and my robber steak in silence.

It was a long time before he came back. I was starting to doubt he would, thinking “dessert” was just an excuse to leave. Nonetheless, I waited at the table after I finished, admiring the paintings on the wall. Mostly portraits of sophisticated-looking young men, all in varying styles of dress from different time periods. Count Haddock’s ancestors, I assume—although oddly enough, all these men looked exactly like him. There were some pictures of those three strange people I ran into the other night—recent commissions, probably. And, of course, your standard gorgeous hill, forest, mountain, and river scenery—all landscapes in daylight, I noticed.

For as often as Count Haddock stays up all night, he doesn’t have many paintings of nightscapes, or the moon and stars. I guess he figures if he wants to see those, he can just look outside.

I was so wrapped up in the dining room art gallery that I started when the door opened. And there he was after all, holding a platter with some kind of cake on it.

I think it was meant to be…cozonac? It was hard to tell, honestly, because the whole thing was kind of flat and saggy and odd-looking—and when he cut it open, it was a mess of walnuts and melted chocolate that just sort of oozed out everywhere. It didn’t look anything like the pictures I’ve seen, but I’ll tell you what—it DID look delicious.

“I made this for you,” he said. No correction, no last-minute insistence that it was the kitchen staff. He swallowed hard and seemed to force himself to meet my eyes. He was fully owning up to producing this dessert that loosely resembled a cake, and I thought that was beautiful.

“You’ve been a great guest, and really helpful, and you’ve taught me so much about Oslo and Norway,” he added. “And I wanted to make you something with chocolate. Just, uh. I hope you like it.”

He started to back away, a little less quickly than he had with dinner. He hesitated, glancing from the table to the door like he couldn’t decide whether he should leave.

I chanced my input again. “Count Haddock, won’t you stay?”

And that’s when he sat down, smiling at me so softly that I felt warmer than the sun could ever make me. I don’t think the sharpest front teeth in the world could have made it any less beautiful.

“Call me Hiccup,” he said. “And yes. I’d like to stay this time.”

He cut me a piece of cozonac-ish cake, and was silent as I began to eat. When he did speak, his voice came out as this like…ashamed mumble, almost.

“I haven’t been honest with you.”

I was tempted to tell him that was obvious, but that seemed rude. I kept eating my dessert and looked at him expectantly.

“There…aren’t any kitchen staff, Anna. I wanted you to think I was some…normal, dignified nobleguy, with prestige and class and all that. Just your average member of the gentry, not…well, whatever the townsfolk say I am. But there aren’t any cooks. I’ve been preparing all your food myself.”

I barely managed to keep myself from laughing, and nearly choked on the cake in the process. “Hiccup,” I got out, fighting to keep my voice level. “I know.”

He gave me a weird look. “Wait. You do?”

“You’re not exactly subtle,” I told him. “And I know you’ve been making my bed and cleaning my room and leaving little gifts on my table. I think it’s endearing, and you’re without a doubt the BEST host I’ve ever had. You shouldn’t be so embarrassed just because this sort of thing is below your station, usually. Only the humblest AND noblest of men would work this hard to help a guest feel welcome.”

His cheeks darkened, and he looked away. “I mean—well, I DO appreciate that. But that isn’t the only thing you should know.”

And that, dear friend, is when I learned the whole truth. The full, would-be-court-approved testimony.

The Haddock story didn’t end with them fleeing Scandinavia and disappearing into Transylvania for the next several generations. Drago Bludvist was relentless, and he wasn’t about to let the foes who made his conquests so difficult get off easy. He slaughtered most of the Haddocks’ village and hunted down the survivors, ambushing them just when they finally thought they fled far enough.

The only ones to survive the second assault were the Haddock son and two of his friends. And this Bludvist guy, well…apparently, he had a pretty twisted sense of humor. He got a powerful warlock ally of his to put a terrible curse on all three, trapping them in a limbo where they could never age, supernaturally strong and fast forever (not bad perks honestly), but they had to subsist off human blood to survive and could never be in sunlight without getting burned. And so they found someplace out of the way, somewhere to hide from everyone who called them monsters.

Hiccup was crying by the time he finished the story. And I knew I wasn’t imagining it this time—there WAS blood in those tears.

And that’s about when I figured it all out. The pictures—they were all of HIM. He was the one who lost his dragon to Bludvist’s armies. And he was the last Haddock son, cursed with the worst kind of eternal life. Centuries old.

I thought he was being hyperbolic the other night, when he said his three roommates haven’t paid rent in 400 years. I guess not?

In any case, I couldn’t deny it any longer. I knew then that he was hungry for my blood. I knew then that he constantly must fight the urge to kill me, every instinct in him screaming at him to rip me apart. But I also knew then, without a shadow of a doubt, that no part of him WANTED to be that way.

I mean, I’m an attorney, for god’s sake. I can recognize fake crying when I see it.

And this boy had lost everything. His family. His tribe. His draconic best friend. His fiancé.

(I really don’t know why I still feel so weird about him having a fiancé several centuries ago. I guess it didn’t occur to me he might, although it shouldn’t be surprising—he’s an attractive man! Still, thinking about it makes me feel…uneasy for whatever reason. Funny how that’s eating at me more than him literally having to eat people to live, huh?)

That’s about when he confessed what I suspected all along: He was terribly lonely, locked away from the sun and the city and forced to live this kind of parasitic life. I can’t say whether he was venting in the heat of the moment, or if he had been working up the courage to admit this to me. Whatever the case, it only seemed to make him crumple more.

And I couldn’t help it, friend—something in me gave way. I don’t think I’d ever seen someone look so lost, and…shattered. In that moment, I decided “strictly business” etiquette could go to hell—if someone’s in immense distress, who am I not to help?!

So, in only the most unprofessional of ways, I rose from my seat and sat next to him, throwing my arm around his shoulder. He leaned into me in a way that made me think he had not been affectionately touched in a very, very long time.

For a while he cried into my neck, and I rubbed his shoulder and his back the way Elsa used to do before we grew apart. He stopped only to assure me he would wash the blood and tear stains out of my new suit as soon as he got the chance (having no staff means that, regrettably, he has to do all the washing himself. I did make sure to tell him he’s been doing a superb job of getting the sweat stains out of my blouses!). I told him not to worry himself over it, and I would be happy to help if laundry proved to be too much for him to handle right now. I’m sure resisting the urge to eat your delicious-smelling new friend is a trying affair, and I figure one gets stressed rather easily anyways when subjected to an eternal existence of sucking human blood in order to not die.

He told me, a little unsteadily, that I was the nicest person he’d met in 200 years. Every time he goes into town (to get cooking ingredients or new soap or what have you), everyone is always so rude, hissing and clutching their crucifixes and whimpering prayers. Last time Hiccup asked the grocer how his family was doing, the man called him hellspawn and told him he hopes his castle gets struck by lightning and goes up in a terrible inferno to match his personality! He also insulted Hiccup’s sun umbrella, saying it was severely out-of-fashion, and threw a bag of garlic at him that left burns that lasted weeks! Look, I know sucking blood can be a bit off-putting, but everyone deserves basic common courtesy, whether they eat people or not. Like come ON, have some maturity!

Anyways, I guess I soothed him after a while, because the crying died down—more like small sobs now and again instead of outright bawling. Once he seemed past the worst of all of it, I admitted something was confusing me. How was he so lonesome when the three strange people I met last night lived in the castle too, and apparently had been for quite some time? He chuckled a little darkly at this.

It turns out the four of them used to be great friends, a very long time ago. The blondes—a twin sister and brother, Ruffnut and Tuffnut—were the only other survivors from Hiccup’s village, and only others (that he knows of) to be afflicted with the vampire curse. That’s what his condition’s called, apparently. They were all each other had for a while. Merida, the Scottish lady, came a century or so later. She was a princess on the run from an arranged marriage, and she stumbled on Hiccup’s castle in her quest to go where no one could ever find her. Hiccup, Ruffnut, and Tuffnut invited her in, but Ruffnut ended up liking her too much to make a meal out of her, so she made her into a vampire instead. Apparently you can transfer the curse through some specific type of biting—who knew? I guess it makes sense, with those big pointy teeth and all.

They were thick as thieves, those four, back in the day. All kinds of running around the woods, climbing trees, scaling cliff faces with weird lizard wall-clinging skills. Seeing who could lift the thickest tree trunk (it was usually Merida). Dining on the town’s most depraved, stumbling on Hiccup’s castle on their run from the law.

But over the centuries, Hiccup and his friends grew apart. The main reason, he told me, was…“diverging opinions on the value of human life and such,” as he put it. Eventually, they ran out of deplorable townspeople and traveling ne’er-do-wells and bandits to eat, but the need for blood remained.

So Hiccup tried to live in moderation, taking only what he needed to survive. Occasionally even feeding on wildlife, for as far as that would get him. The others, however…

It sounded like an addiction of sorts—getting a little too fond of how lively and powerful they felt just after feeding on a human. And they wanted more, and more, and more…and kept finding ways to justify the killing to themselves, until they barely saw anything wrong with it at all. Makes me nervous, thinking of what they would have done to me the other night had Hiccup not showed up.

(I asked what happened after I passed out, and Hiccup told me his friends took their dinner and scuttled out the window in a huff. I didn’t ask who the “dinner” in the bag had been. Maybe I’d be happier not knowing…)

These days, Hiccup’s three cohabitors have gotten lazy, preferring to let Hiccup do the hard work of putting himself in danger to get them all food. They’ve been freeloading for…300ish years now, he tells me? And he dutifully provides still, despite how tumultuous things have gotten. I guess out of obsolete loyalty to his longest-standing friends, no matter how…morally questionable they’ve become. Or maybe grief for the friendship that once was. As is, though, he feels he has little in common with them anymore.

He told me how it breaks his heart, seeing how much the curse twisted the three of them. Often, he can’t even bear to be around them—to see what they’ve become. So he stays away, seeking them out only when it comes time to feed them. But the resentment, the anger that they’ve let themselves stray so far into the darkness—I can tell it’s still there. And the bitter loneliness of seeing his three best friends go down a disturbing path that he doesn’t have the heart to follow…it must weigh on him terribly.

“And that’s not even the worst part,” he told me when he finished the story. He stood suddenly as he said it, knocking my hand off him. It was difficult to imagine what could be significantly worse than having to regularly drink human blood, but nonetheless I gestured for him to continue.

“Ruff, Tuff, Mer, and I…” His voice shook as he said it, and he gripped the table like a lifeline. I wondered if the tears were going to come back.

“We were planning…” He trailed off and took a breath. “I’ve been trying to reach out to them. For, I don’t know, the last 50 years or so. Trying to rekindle the friendship we once had, because I couldn’t bear an eternity alone. Even if my only alternative was to spend it with people who had become…well, bloodthirsty and completely depraved. But I wanted someone. So the four of us made a plan—I made a plan. To try and make them happy. I thought maybe then, they’d love me again.”

He frowned at me and stiffened, like he was trying to hold himself together. “We figured it had been so many centuries that no one in our ancestral lands would remember who we were. If Drago had some kind of lineage, they surely would have died out by now. So we decided to return to the homeland in Scandinavia—to Oslo.”

“Of course!” I nodded, because it all made sense then. “That’s why we talked through buying all that land. You want to go home.”

“I was hesitant at first,” he admitted. “I was worried there were too many scenarios where we all ended up discovered and slaughtered. But the idea grew on me. I read books and newspaper articles and learned how much the outside world had grown since our time. And I realized how much I’ve missed the fjords and the sea cliffs and everything else. So I started setting everything in motion.”

He paused, like he was waiting for me to scream or wail or flee in terror or what have you. I planned on doing no such thing! I’m a professional, after all.

“Anna,” he added bluntly, when I didn’t provide him with a sufficiently horrified reaction. “We eat people. And we bought land in and planned to move to YOUR hometown. Shouldn’t you…I don’t know, be more concerned?”

Huh. Well, when he put it like that, I DID understand why this was concerning.

I couldn’t find myself too surprised, though, that this was the story behind everything going on. I’ve suspected something was up for a while now, and Hiccup and his roommates being cursed, blood-sucking creatures of the night fits with what I’ve seen. After all, what good is a lawyer if they can’t piece together the evidence they gather and arrive at something resembling the truth?

Hiccup doesn’t eat human food. No one in town will work for him. He can lizard crawl up the side of buildings. He has two front teeth perfected for breaking skin and drawing blood. He’s constantly in distress over seeing himself as some sort of “thing of evil.” His friends were talking about sucking me and draining me and calling me a meal. The townsfolk are terrified of him. He always disappears at dawn. He has circles of blue fire just lying around. Really, him being a blood-drinking night creature explains all that better than perhaps anything else could.

As absolutely absurd as it all sounds. But if law school taught me anything, it’s that oftentimes the truth is a LOT stranger than you think it will be. You can’t ever rule anything out until you have significant evidence against it—and it’s quite the opposite, in this case.

Strangely enough, I found I wasn’t hugely bothered with the idea of him coming to Oslo. It took me a moment to realize why.

“Well, you have to have blood to live, right?” I said. “So either you’ll be eating people here or you’ll be eating people in Oslo. What difference does it make where you are?” He gave me kind of a weird look, so I elaborated. “I mean, obviously the ideal number of people you would be eating is zero, but it sounds like that isn’t an option.”

He gave me what seemed like a genuinely apologetic look. “Anna, your friends…your family….”

Oh. Right. Jack and Punzie. Elsa. My colleagues at the firm.

I guess some part of me figured if I asked Hiccup to leave them out of it, he would. That he’d do me that one favor, after how much I’d tried to help him with the legalities of property transfer and the intricacies of Norwegian. That after everything…

Maybe he’d come to care for me.

The boss man would call me naïve if he knew. I guess I never could quash that little romantic in my chest, who kept insisting I wasn’t just fated to become some cranky, law-practicing old maid. But affection is a powerful thing, and I’d be an idiot to deny the reserve of it that was steadily building for Hiccup.

“And you…” He turned and walked away from the table as he said it. He started pacing back and forth, burying his face in his hands and groaning. “That’s the worst of all.”

That’s when the unease really started to set in, but I kept my cool. No one ever accomplished anything by descending into embarrassing hysterics.

“What about me?” I asked (impressively calmly, I think, given the situation).

“Once we got the property deeds, we were going to…” He cut himself off and sank into his hands, heaving a strangled breath.

I didn’t want to make him say it. “You were going to let your friends eat me. When I wasn’t useful anymore.”

“Yes!” He lowered his hands and looked right at me, and I saw he was teary-eyed again. “But I CAN’T, not now that I know you. These last few weeks have been the best I’ve had in decades. I’ve realized that I don’t just want to go to Oslo—I want to walk the streets with YOU, stopping at those little stalls to buy kebabs for the cats. I want to hold your hand under the aspens in the park and feed oats to the ducks—and I’d probably only eat one or two ducks, I promise. I want to ride the streetcars and window-shop and buy you things for Snoggletog…or whatever your equivaent of that nowadays is, anyhow. I want to roam the fjords with you at midnight, when it’s quiet—and watch the stars and the northern lights when there’s no one around but us. I want to see the moonlight on the waterfalls, and I want you to show me everything you love.”

He took a deep breath then, like he was willing the courage to go on. “You make Oslo sound so beautiful, but I can’t—I just can’t imagine it without you there, too. Getting excited when you point out all the things we talked about and filling my head with all of your fun facts. Telling me about your latest property court cases over fresh-cooked fårikål I made. Taking the train into the mountains on the weekend and watching the lynxes and puffins and reindeer and white foxes. I want to experience it all with you, Anna.”

I just stared at him, stunned. How did I, your run-of-the-mill property attorney, manage to impress a man who was centuries old?

“And now…the thought of hurting you, I just can’t—” He cut himself off again and heaved a ragged sob. “I couldn’t forgive myself. I’m so sorry I planned to. Sometimes, I think the townspeople are right about me—I really AM some kind of vile demon.”

And that’s when—god forgive me—I made what was easily the most unprofessional move of my career.

I couldn’t help it. He looked so devastated, and I had to show him he was a better man than he believed.

I stood and crossed the room in a few strides. His head was in his hands again, but he looked up as I approached.

And then, before my logical lawyer brain could kick in, I leaned in and grabbed his cheeks and I kissed Count Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III just like in the fairy tales!!!

His mouth was on the cold side, and his lips were dry and chapped, but he tasted so right. And he smelled like chocolate and nuts and cake batter and a little bit like what had come to feel like home.

I think I shocked him at first, because I felt him stiffen. But then he melted into it, and cold arms wrapped around my neck and suddenly it was one of those moments where I felt rather foolish for ceasing to believe in magic when my childhood was over. If the mystical was a farce, how did you explain the soft, velvety feeling in my chest, brought about from nothing but unchecked bliss?

And let me tell you, I don’t think I’ve ever felt safer than in the arms of a centuries-old undead creature. The irony is scandalous, I know.

Even after our lips parted, he still clung to me like a lost kitten. I pressed my forehead to his, just to assure him I was comfortable.

I spoke as quietly and soothingly as I could, saying “I’m not afraid of you. And I know you’re not going to hurt me now. I trust you.”

“How do you know you should?” he asked me, voice trembling.

I had to laugh at this, and I told him “Because, um…I really don’t think you would have put so much thought into all the fun activities we were going to do in Oslo together if you still planned on draining all my blood out.”

That got a laugh out of him, too! I think I was doing pretty damn well, all things considered.

“You…don’t hate what I am?” he asked.

“No,” I told him. “I’m not really that surprised, given all your…well…all the oddities around here. But you can’t help it that you were cursed, and I can tell you’ve got a good heart. That’s what matters to me.”

“It’s just…ugh. It’s all so complicated now.” He pulled away a little, hands on my shoulders as he stared at the ground. “The four of us were going to take over the whole damn city, draining or turning every last one of them. But now I can’t. I can’t do that to your home! And I wouldn’t hurt the people you care about, but…how am I going to keep Mer, Ruff, and Tuff away?”

He started to pace again, gesturing wildly as he talked. “And I already sent off the property deeds to be approved by your boss! What am I going to do when they come back?! How do I tell Merida and the others that maybe I don’t want to do this after all? Would they just kill me? Could they just kill me?”

I pointed out that was unlikely, considering they seemed like they hadn’t been outside the castle to even hunt in several years, but he still seemed worried.

“I can’t take over an entire city!” he went on. “Or subject them to this—this life I’m stuck with! But I still want to go to Oslo, but I have to eat! What am I supposed to do?!”

I pondered on it as he continued with his anxious ramble.

“Well,” I said—perhaps a little cheekily, I’ll admit. “You know, there’s plenty of ne’er-do-wells and criminals in the backalleys of Oslo. I’m sure they could stand to lose a little blood here and there. I mean, the authorities TRY to round them up, and we lawyers try to make sure they can’t make any more trouble, but even the keenest of law-upholders can’t catch them all.”

“So how long would they last?” he demanded. “How long before I start having to eat good people again, Anna? I don’t know how much longer I can take it!”

I pondered more at this. “I don’t know. It would take careful planning, for sure, and you’d have to figure out how to reign in your friends so they don’t make all of Oslo into a bloodbath, but I don’t think it’s hopeless. I’m trained to navigate, er—tricky situations, you could say. Legal, mostly, but it’s not strictly limited to that.”

“I just don’t know.” He shook his head, breathing hard. “I want to go, I want to explore, I want to see my homeland again, but I don’t—I don’t want to ruin your city with my…my undead debauchery! And I don’t want to put your friends in danger, but I want to stay with you, and this whole plan is a mess, and I just…I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.”

He repeated the words frantically, over and over as he paced with his hands tugging at his hair. A strange calm settled over me, and for whatever reason, I suddenly felt more collected than I had in days.

Even if he was fraying, that didn’t mean I couldn’t tie up his loose ends. I didn’t pass the BAR to fall into panics whenever trouble arose.

“Hiccup,” I said, walking over to him again. I reached up and placed a hand on top of his own, guiding it down from his head and lacing our fingers together. His shaking seemed to wane, if only a little.

I spoke with as much confidence as I’d ever had, and I told him:

“I know it seems like a lot, but I promise you we will figure something out. I’m a lawyer, after all—it’s my goddamn job.”

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popculturebuffet · 3 years

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Goof Week: Goof Troop: Forever Goof Review (Everything’s Coming Up Goofy, Good Neighbor Goof, Gotta Be Gettin Goofy) (Commission for WeirdKev27)

Yahhahhooooeeeey all you happy people! WELCOME TO GOOF WEEK! Now normally when a character who got their start in theatrical shorts has a birthday, I do a marathon of them. I have since last year with Donald and it’s one of my favorite things: it allows me to explore Disney’s rich history of them I was largely unaware of till Disney+, and allows me to revisit the shorts I grew up with in the case of The Looney Tunes or Tom and Jerry while discovering new favorites. SO naturally with Goofy’s birthday in two days I intended to do the same for him, especially since I’d covered Donald and Mickey the same way.

But fate had other ideas. Not thinking about this tradition, Kev, my patreon, friend and the guy who commissions a LOT of reviews from me ($5 an episode if your curious and I WILL make room on the schedule so your commission gets done as soon as possible), suggested reviewing the Goof Troop pilot movie Forever Goofy, later split into the episode Everything’s Coming Up Goofy and Good Neighbor. I loved the idea since I genuinely loved Goof Troop, and decided to do both that week.

It’s then I got a great idea.. why limit myself to JUST doing two things? I hit my 15 dollar patreon stretch goal, so a review of the Goofy Movie was on the Horizon anyway, and for it’s anniversary year Kev has been commissioning House of Mouse Episodes, so it wouldn’t be THAT much of an ask (and it wasn’t) to simply randomly select from a pool of Goofy-Centric episodes instead of all the episodes.

Thus GOOF WEEK was born, and Kev once again proved vital to all this by suggesting the special Sports Goof from the 80′s. I’d like to give him special thanks as outside of the Shorts Special, which as a patreon he still got to pick one and if you’d like to pick one for Donald’s special, sign on up even one dollar patreons get the honor. , this week is either entirely paid for by him or in the case of A Goofy Movie, is partly thanks to him. I wouldn’t be able to do NEARLY as many reviews nor make money off this without you bud, so thank you.

So naturally given the idea to do this two parter gave me the idea for this week and that Goofy Movie makes a logical finale for said week, it only made sense to start the week with Goof Troop. Bop-dop-da-da-do-bop, YEAH.

Goof Troop is the first Disney Afternoon show I ever watched and the only one I watched when I was younger, as Disney Channel used to play it ocasinally when I was younger and Toon Disney would do the same and I even got to Marthoon it when Disney XD did a weekend marathon. Given it starred my faviorite Disney Character, Donald hadn’t worked his way up to tying with him quite yet, I loved what I could grab of it. And as an adult.. it still holds up. It has problems i’ll get into, but it is a real good time so I was exastic to get an excuse to watch some of it and much like with Darkwing wish I had sooner.

Before I can h-h-h-hit it though, I have to talk about the series history. I ALMOST didn’t find anything: much like the other Disney Afternoon shows there really wasn’t much on the Disney wiki nor wikipedia, google turned up nothing... it wasn’t till I went to the Tv Tropes Trivia Page for the series, where i’d remembered reading about some early versions of the show, that I hit gold: A two part behind the scenes blog post by series co-creator Michael Peraza. You can find part one HERE and part two HERE. It’s a short but fascinating read.

Speaking of fascenating Peraza himself is someone i’d never heard of till reading this article but damn if he isn’t a legend. Seriously the guy’s career is as an unsung hero, starting work under the Legendary Nine Old Men, and working on some of disney’s greatest films: The Great Mouse Detective, Aladdin, The LIttle Mermaid, and Beauty and the Beast, along with live action cult classics Tron and Return to Oz via concept art. And concept art is where he’d hit his stride: he did conceptual work for all the big Disney Afternoon shows apart from Gargoyles, being one of the key guys in the early days of Disney Television animation. He didn’t stop at just designing things either as he worked as Art Director for Ducktales, The Proud Family and of course given how vital he was to it’s creation, Goof Troop, and to this days gives lectures with his wife to aspiring animators. He even did some guest work for the 2017 Ducktales Episode “Treasure of the Found Lamp!”. So yeah dude’s awesome

So how did he come to be a key part of this show’s creation? Well he’d just finished up some concept work on some other Disney Afternoon shows, and being a company man was glad to report to the Goof Troop..ers to help as the show was having trouble getting off the ground. The reason for this was the creative exec, who Peraza didn’t name out of kindness as the guy wasn’t a BAD person.. just a clueless one, this being his first job in film and tv. As such rather than work hard to develop around goofy or focus on his strengths the kid threw out one concept after another: The series got it’s name from a pitch that had Goofy as a scoutmaster, something I was glad to finally know. To quote Peraza

“ Although while I was doodling versions of the show that were destined to never see the light of the TV screen, the pitch date remained etched in stone and kept creeping closer. Various versions would find their way to the surface only to sink again into the wasteland known as the roundfile (trashcan). One moment Goofy was the Captain of the Fire Department, the next day a detective out of the Maltese Falcon mold, or a swash buckling hero fighting The Flying Dutchman.

The supporting cast he came up with really wasn't very supportive when you consider they sometimes included alien dragon babies with wings along with a large gorilla. Somebody at Walt Disney Television Animation must have really had a thing for giant gorillas around this time as they were plugged into almost every concept we assembled.”

It was clear that while Goofy COULD fit into just about anything, this exec was just throwing everything at the wall, nothing was sticking, and rather than try to refine his supporting cast, they kept having to throw them out and start over. And dont’ get me wrong, cartoons go through a lot of development and changes as they go.. but it’s usually born from a concept and usually by this point, they at least have what the show will be ABOUT in stone. While i’ve had the same creative changes and what not when coming up with projects that ultimately never saw the light of day, and currentlly some I hope to but might not, I’m not being paid by a studio to do this nor had a hard deadline. I was just spitballing trying to get something anything off the ground before reviewing gave me a steady outlet for my creativity and thus ballanced me to take my time with stuff. Peraza WAS turning out amazing art, like this concept art for the fireman pitch that honeslty makes me want to see it as a series. Who DOSEN’T want to see 9-11 with Goofy as the main character? Throw in Donald and grown up versions of Max, PJ and PIstol (And even not THAT much for the former two, as they did go off to college and all), don’t forget Roxanne this time out and you have a worthy goofy movie sequel.

So yeah this wasn’t working and the latest pitch was not great: Putting Goofy in ToonTown as a cabbie driving the Cab from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. As Peraza TRIED to point out to the exec, putting Goofy in a naturally goofy setting didn’t really play to the characters strength, his whole shtick being a goofus in a normal world. Enough of an every man to root for but also a slapstick joly weirdo.

The executive’s INCREDIBLY douchey response, especially since Peraza was a Disney Vetran at this point and had spent quite a lot of time on Ducktales, so he knew what he was talking about was “Do it anyway and leave the “Visionary” part to me”

As you can tell by MR. OOC there, this might be one of the most punchable sentences i’ve ever read.

So Peraza wasn’t in a great place and was naturally terrified when he got a call from Gary Krisel, president of Disney TVA, asking about the show and to see him about it.

Turns out though Krisel was a nice guy who already had a great working relatinship with Peraza, and genuinely wanted to know what was going on there and wanted his honest opinion. It’s why i’m not AGAINST executives in animation as sometimes they can come in when somethings clearly not working or allow a smooth transition of power if a propelmatic creator has to be booted off their own show so the show and i’ts crew don’t suffer as a result. It’s just more often than not they cause headaches or cancel shows for entirley stupid or self motivated reasons. But I will give credit where it’s do and point out times where there NOT stupid or homophobic or what have you and this is indeed one of those times.

Peraza was indeed straight with him: pointing out all the concepts they’d gone through, and like with the other guy honestly gave his opinon the ToonTown Pitch wasn’t working.. and he not only agreed but asked Peraza himself, actually respecting his experince instead of yelling at him that he has a vision that wouldn’t last the end of the day probably.

Peraza was HOPING this was where this was going and gladly gave him a far less high concept pitch and one truer to the character, quoted in full bellow:

“ My spiel went as follows, "Goofy is a recognized star of Disney animation, so why re-invent the wheel? His son is an average kid dealing with many of the usual issues they face: peer pressure, young love, grades, school bullies, and so on. On top of all that, he has the zaniest, wackiest GOOFIEST dad to live down. No matter how insane the situations get though, they will always love each other. They're a family." Gary asked how I would pitch it and I replied, "It's ONE day in the life of Goofy and son. From getting up in the morning to fixing breakfast, we see their difference side by side as his son tries to distance himself. No matter what though he knows deep inside that his father will always be there for him, whether he likes it or not."

If your wondering if Peraza noticed that that original pitch line is basically the peremise and emotioinal core of The Goofy Movie down pat.. your extremley correct and he notes that the film was based on said pitch even if he had no involvment with it that I could tell. The series would still use this but the whole embarasment aspect was toned down, and honestly fit a teenager better than an 11 year old..

So the exec loved it and Peraza shaped the core of the series: the idea of having Pete as his nemisis, pete having a nuclear family including a gorgeous wife, and the show being more slice of life and what not. He made some great sketches, got roaring approval and then pitched it to rousing success and the rest is history. Goof Troop was a moderate success and The Goofy Movie after it is a classic beloved by all. We have this wonderful man to thank for all that and I also thank him , on the offchance he ever sees this, for bringing Goofy into modern times in a way that did the man-dog justice. It’s thank to you we got this fun series, two great movies, and a goofy the way he is today: the best of everything about him rolled into one. Thanks man, free review.. not htat you NEED It since you’ve worked on things i’ve covered and what not, but I feel like I should offer. Outside of Peraza, I found one last bit of making of stuff before I get to the premiere proper. These two early concept shots:

The first has Max who both looks older and has red hair like he did in the shorts. Honestly I see a lot of his Goofy Movie self in thiis design, the only diffrence obviously being the red hair which was wisely changed to make the boy look more like goofy, something kept for the movie.

The more intresting one is this shot of the Pete’s. Starting with Pete he’s more athletic and has a perfectly tacky outfit. While changing him to be a bit more slovenly honestly fit this version of the character better, I do wish they’d kept hte outfit as the tacky gold and green jacket, the gold chain, the open ollar.. it all fits this version of pete so well, as well as his illusion of being a big shot when he is in fact a medium one. Peg is both slightly younger looking and far more doting and is so different I swear this picture looks like Pete remarried after the divorce and got some lipo. Pistol has about the same design but with a vastly different, more Isabella-ish outfit. Finally we have PJ who looks the same, but has a diffrent outfit and a far more sour demeanor, probably meant to be a bully. My best guess is sthis stuff comes from the pitch, and was likely made to simply get the basic premise across before fine tuning the characters for series

So with all of that out of the way i’m calling eveyrone to join in the fun under the cut and report to the Goof Troop.

Everything’s Coming Up Goofy:

Our first episode opens in a small but cozy trailer, where Goofy’s cooking up lunch as only goofy could: by making osme meatballs then serving them to his son over a game of table tennis, with Max doing the same. It’s really freaking adorable, and a dynamic i’m not used to since i’m more familiar with Teen Max. Seeing Max genuinely get into his dad’s hyjinks and enjoy them.. it just warms the heart and adds weight to The Goofy Movie by knowing there was a time the two really were thick is thieves before the stygian hole that is high school drained all that out of him.

So the two are like buddies and pals until the Mailman arrives, not even phased at this point. Turns out it’s a Diploma, and with this Goofy can get a job he’s been up for in Spoonerville and plans to move immediately. Max is devisated he’ll loose his friends and runs away to use a magical mystery box to keep them together only to end up in a land full of frogs with an old man who sounds like his dad minus the drawl and two other tinier frogs and ... I may have the wrong show. In fairness you try dislodging a finale where Keith David runs a 13 year old through with laser sword and then talk to me.

Goofy is sympathetic though: While he seems a tad oblivous to Max’s worries, it’s very clear he’s jumping on this job and this move so far to give his son a better life. Sure he runs through all the cartoon moving away talking points that don’t work in real life or most other cartoons such as there being a nice lake and that max can make new friends, and Max accepts it weirdly fast because this episode is only 22 minutes and they don’t have time for that subplot... but it’s clear the idea of a better paying job, a secure home not in an alleyway, and some stablility for his son is the real reason Goofy’s doing this, and he probably wants to simply give the boy the childhood he had growing up.

Meanwhile in Spoonerville, we meet Pete. To my shock this is where Jim Cummings took over the roll he was born for and has played since and with good reasons as Cummings is just amazing with Pete no matter the incarnation and excels here his penchant for playing jerks, hams and gravely voiced guys all coalesicing. Pete is planning on building what modern toxicly masculine weirdos such as himself would call a Man Cave on his lawn, because Pete is a very SPECIAL kind of douchebag. He also plans to stretch it into the neighboring property, tear down the house there and set it up.

This is news to his wife Peg, played by fellow voice acting Legend whose stillg ot it, April Winchell in her star making role. Peg is Pete’s strong willed wife who dosen’t put up with her husbands crap.. you know that trope that infected sitcoms for kids and adults of the doofy husband whose either a manchild , a skeevy self serving quipy asshole or some horrible combination of the two. The kind that has still been so prevealant the wife from one of said sitcoms helped produce a show about the wife finally doing the logical thing and plotting to kill the bastard. No really.. that’s an actual thing that’s happening. It’s even got a Little Bit of Alexis as Anne Murphy plays the poor, poor wife.

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And why yes the series is called Kevin Can Fuck Himself. And why yes said former sitcom wife was the same one on a sitcom called Kevin Can Wait who was fired because they wanted to retool the show with the wife from Kevin James other sitcom. That also is very really a thing that happened. Payback is a bitch aint it? Fun too.

But yeah from minute one Pete is a terrible husband: Peg is a realtor and thus is trying to sell the house because it’s her fucking job instead of letting her husband throw their family deep in debt to very likely illegally demolish a house so he has a giant yard to play in. I mean even if this is all played for jokes i’ts just not funny enough to not make him an utter bastard. The fact his response to her VERY valid criticism and subtextual worry he doesn’t’t take her career seriously is to fake a panic attack, from a very REAL tendency he turns out to have giant breakdowns under stress, to try and guilt her into letting him have his giant public man cave just backs this up.. as does the fact she simply glares at the camera as he’s clearly DONE this before.

Since I have to put up with this version of him for the rest of this episode, the next, AND a portion of the movie, i’m proudly introducing the Pete Sucks Counter. This will carry over to any other appearances of the guy from here on out. So that’s one for his insane plan, one for disrespecting his wife’s career and one for faking a panic attack to try and win an argument Pete Sucks Counter: 3

So because this episode ran short Peg caves and compromises: He can have the property if it isn’t sold by 9. So Pete does what ANY husband would do: uses his spy camera and booby traps he’s set up in the other house to try and scare away prospective buyers.

Yeah.. while the show TRIES to have Pete not as his old-timey villian self.. they traded in for him being fucking MODOK. I mean he is a grotesque monstrosity who has a nuclear family and spends all his time in a chair thing and can barely function as a Husband or Father. Though at least I can belivie MODOK LOVES his family which not so much with Pete.

To prove this Pete tries using a fake spider to scare some buyers then CALLS THEM TELLING THEM PEG IS A CON ARITST. I.e. something that if they mention to her bosses could get her FIRED. He respects his wife’s autonomy, what she wants and what she’s asked him for, which is a fair shot to sell the place before he tries to wreck the place, as well as likely what his neighbors want. I mean I can accept breaks from reality for comedy, snakebird is my boy.

So I can accept pete has this stuff.. I just can’t find it funny when these shenanignas very transparently show that while he surface level loves his wife he dosen’t respect her or actually listen to her except when she gets angry. He IS the villian so he’s still a slight step among monst sitcom dads but i’ts not great. I can find it funny that his den also functions as a super villian lair though. That shit will never not be great. Also Pete Sucks Counter: 6 For the record: one for the spider itself, one for having traps set up in a property hat both isn’t his and his wife is trying to sell and another for threatening her job and her self esteem as she is baffled at what she possibly did wrong.

So Goofy and Max get on the road, leaving moving the rest of their stuff to an old coot whose a friend of theres. So it’s goodbye Duckburg, Hello Spoonerville! And yes I headcanon this as Duckburg. Goof Troop is one of two shows that very clearly happened in SOME form, the other being Tailspin, the only difference being the time period (Goof Troop taking place in the 90′s and Tailspin in the 30′s or 40′s) and any adjustments for clashes with the 2017 verse. So going off that, we also know Donald and the boys KNOW goofy and didn’t remotely question his presence, as did the rest of the cast.

So figuring out the timeline, Goofy likely met Donald in college, even if he never finished college as per an Extremley Goofy Movie, which may not happen the same exact way given Goofy still has his old job and may not loose it in this timeline, though i’d like to think he still meets Sylvia. But point is he drops out, possibly to marry Max’s mom, they end up moving to Duckburg for her work, she sadly dies, and Goofy is left raising Max alone. Donald and Goofy likely bonded as single parents struggling in low paying 9-5 jobs. Goofy left here, likely said goodbye to Donald and the 5 or so year old boys offscreen , and left. As for how anyone else knows him that’s simple: he probably visits whenever he can. He’s a good friend, genuinely loves Donald like a brother in all continuities, and of course would show up with a progressively more then less grumpy Max every time. As for what I think the rest of the cast would think of him: Scrooge would hate him for his disaster area ways, but at least respect him as a hard worker, he just wouldn’t personally hire him which is.. it’s fair. Beakley would be aggravated by him. Webby would of course like him because she’s essentially him but competent and gay, and Launchpad and him .. god that’d be a joy to see. And drive up Scrooge’s insurance. Della would also like him obviously. I”m really disappointed we didn’t get a season 4 if for nothing else the fact we probably would’ve got another Goofy episode. It also feels weird he’s not in the finale in any way shape or form you know? Why have such a big guest spot for him and then just not bring him or Max back? GIVE ME MORE MAX DISNEY DAMN YOUUUUU So they move right along with Goofy excited to get back to where he once belonged, and to call Pete with the good news on his 90′s cell phone. Pete is utterly TERRIFIED finding out Goofy Comin and tries to send him off course to prevent it. Naturally despite nearly running into a truck, Goofy makes it to Spoonerville by evening anyway and we get a delightful bit that shows off BilL Farmer’s comedy skills as he rapidly lists off all the things in town while driving Max through town. It’s so damn smooth. This also is notable since before this farmer had just played the character in some DTV music videos, which stands for Disney not Denton but god I now want Shock Treatment with the Disney Crew. I mean who wouldn’t want Donald as Brad, Daisy as Janet, and Gladstone as Farley Flavors I ask you. Not sure who every one else would be i’m sorting that out. And if you don’t know what Shock Treatment is, here have this trailer with a nightmarish opening.

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Dammit now I want to watch Shock Treatment again... so I am. Found it in full on YouTube, and I feel no shame in sharing that as it’s not on VOD, nor any streaming service, the DVD, which I own, is out of print, and the Blu Ray is a UK exclusive. This film both needs to be seen more and needs another proper US release damn it!

So naturally Goofy somehow finds Pete’s house.. I dunno maybe Peg’s been sending him letters. Can’t blame her for having a wondering eye long as she dosen’t act on it. She’s married to a walking lump of ego, selfishness and cholesterol and likely only held on as long as she did for the kids. Which for the record Peg as a child of divorce whose parents got divorced rather than keep up a sham marriage or anything.. it’s not worth it. I was MUCH happier that way in the long term.

Anyways Peg and Goofy happily reunited while they awkardly try to get the kids to meet, with Goofy and PJ not warming up to each other at first, likely because Max just lost all his friends, and PJ clearly had none going into the series from context we’ll get later in the pilot. We also get a hilarious bit where Peg alternates between warmly greeting the goof’s and hilaroiusly shouting at Pistol to not play with worms.. in what honestly sounds like a protype for Miss Finster’s voice.

Meanwhile the kids try to hide a small crack in Pete’s boat.. which he notices as he’s just about to steamroll the house despite NOT having asked Peg if she sold it yet and just assuming, possibly opening himself and her to a lawsuit

Pete Sucks Counter: 7

Discovering his boat is trashed, he has a comical panic attack, which I can forgive since this was 1992 and they weren’t as well known as a serious problem. Seriously while pete is a bastard man.. the animation on him is GORGEOUS as it is HILARIOUS, while Jim Cummings brings the hell out of it. He’s kept the roll for three decades as of next year for a reason. Goofy ends up accidently destroying his boat in the process of trying to help him as you’d expect.

So Pete reluctantly lets the goofs sup with them.... and by reluctantly I mean he don’t wanna but Peg’s forcing him, which is pretty much the other half of their relationship in a nutshell: When pete isn’t lying and betraying her, Peg is forcing him to do stuff. As you can probably guess by how harsh i’ve been this aspect has aged INCREDIBLY poorly for me. This is your standard sitcom setup: asshole or dumbass or both dad, put upon wife who has to keep him in line.. but it’s just not how a GOOD marriage works and got so damn draining over time. Again and again we got things saying marriage is awful, comitting sucks unless your young, again and again. It’s why i’m REALLY happy we’ve been getting far better sitcom dad’s and marraiges lately. Bob’s Burgers is naturally the example, with the wife being the less sane one but both having their quriks and neither being so entirely dysfunctional you ever question the marriage. The Louds are another good example: Lynn Sr. And Rita NEVER right with each other that i’ve seen, have a perfectly happy relationship despite 11 kids, and wholly support each other, with Rita happily giving her husband the go ahead to quit his soul draining desk job so he could pursue his deream as a chef, and later letting him take a massive fincial gamble and open up a restraunt, purely because she belivied in him. Finally we have the Williams from Craig of the Creek who are easily one of the best married couples i’ve seen in western animation and one of them’s played by Terry Crews so that shoudln’t be a shock. I could prabobly find more but my points made: this trope REALLY ages the show poorly, more than any of hte 90′s specific tech or swinging theme song I just realized I forgot to talk about. Eh i’ll save it for the next episode.

I have NEVER liked this trope anyway: only simpsons has really made it work for me and Family Guy did until they just stretched it too far, and with Simpsons at least they freqeuently have episodes pointing out how unehalthy it is. It dosen’t help this trope somehow STILL isn’t dead, as evidenced by the fact Rick and Morty has it in spades and for SOME damn reason got them back together.. I mean they don’t fight anymore but it dose’nt fix the problem. So yeah while I’m not holding against the show TERRRIBLY as this trope wasn’t as widespread at the time, it still dosen’t make it GOOD even at it’s core.

Things get worse for Pete though as while Goofy praises him (And the Pete Kids rightfly wonder if Goofy is from space given the logic of ANYONE being that fond of pete. ) Pete finds out GOOFY bought the house he was going to demolish and will be staying with them till they move in. I have only one response to his misery....

Max also futzes with the tv which you THINK would lead to Peg finding out her husband is the antagonist of a Blumhouse movie but instead just does nothing.

So then we have Dinner where we find out SUPRISINGLY, Pete actually has a somewhat valid reason for resenting Goofy: Goofy cost him the big game in high school as Goofy and Peg were on the cheerleading squad together and Goofy accidently kicked pete in the face at a crucial moment, which Pete got the blame for. Granted I did say SOMEWHAT: Goofy is genuinely apologetic and says Pete shouldn’t of been blamed and Pete’s apparently been hiding the truth from his kids this whole time. I do call bullshit on that as while admittedly i don’t get into local football or any sportsball, Pete works at a dealership. At least one asshole would bring it up to either rile him up or out of genuine rage at something that happened at the very least a decade and a half ago. Pete hasn’t let go of this footbullshit DESPITE owning a successful dealership, having two wonderful children, an even more wonderful wife, and a friggin nice boat. But really.. it speaks to Pete’s character in any version: His ultimate undoing is his greed, his tendency to keep going and never settle. It’s something he oddly shares with Donald but Pete lacks Donald’s’s heart or redeeming moments. Pete just wants and wants and wants no matter who gets hurt because he’s inehently selfish and will simply TAKE It if he can’t get it. But it’s why he’s miserable, and ultimately ends up divorced: He can’t be satisfised so he often looses what he has.

So with Pete on the rampage Peg sends the boys upstairs. It’s here we get PJ’s first Woobie Moment: He has a room FULL of cool toys, comics and what not but his dad is such a greedy asshole he refuses to let the kid actually use them. He even knows this isn’t normal but is just resigned to it. Rob Paulsen is phenomenal as PJ, being funny and energetic, snarky and off to the side or depressed and fearful all with grace and ease and all making this all feel like the same sweet kid.

I mention this because Paulsen’s action is so good it highlights an issue with PJ: the writers lean way too hard into how much a hardass Pete is, to the point the series, likely intentionally, HEAVILY implies he physically abuses pete and the stuff on screen isn’t over the top enough, at least for tehse episodes, to get away with how he emotionally abuses him either. He talks down to him, doesn’t let him play toys and as seen by various episode synopsis and the next episode, uses mind games to keep him in line. THIS is why I can’t stand this version of Pete. He’s an abusive monster to this poor boy and I won’t stands for it, nor it being played off as a joke, especially since they try to ping pong between using it for comedy and using it seriously which just.. doesn’t work.

So Max earns his future best pals’ friendship by trying to help him.. and succeeding by pointing out that while he said not to use the Tank anywhere on the ground.. he didn’t mention the celling or walls and has the tank going up the walls. And clearly by the fact PJ is seen sleeping with it later, despite Petes’ss anger at this, Peg presumably ripped him a new one once she found out about the toys thing.

So that night Pete can’t sleep with Goofy tromping around the house and tries to whack him with a Golf Club. I’d give him another sucks count..

But given my brother lives in the basement and I sometimes accidently wake him by tromping overhead without meaning too, I DO get getting a bit fed up with someone clomping around and waking you up, and it is a slapstick cartoon so trying to physically assault someone is less of a crime here and more a setup for a punchline.

So get an UTTERLY hilarious scene as teh combination fo tripping on golf balls and Goofy singing his family lullabye, camptown races with lyrics

So Pete proceeds to have another freak out this time RUNNING ALL THE WAY TO DUCKBURG, THROWING THE OLD MAN OUT OF THE CAR AND THEN BRINGING IN THE GOOF’S BEDS AND BOXES BEFORE TOSSING THEM IN THE HOUSE. It is truly an amazing combination of Jim’s utter talent as he babbles hialriously and the animators as they just make it sing. It’s a great climax to part one. So with that the goofs are home and Pete semeingly gets to go to sleep.. until they start working on unpacking.

Final Thoughts On Good Neighbor Goof:

This is an excellent start to the series. The jokes are really well paced, the characters well introduced and the humor top notch> I had my complaints obviously.. but i’ts more systemic issues with the series, and stuff that honestly it dosen’t hamper my viewing experience for the most part. The PJ stuff does, but it’s not as big a deal this episode as he barely interacts with his Dad, but otherwise it’s stuff that just hasn’t aged well and they can’t be faulted for not seeing a deluge of terrible sitcoms a comin. The cast is top notch: I didn’t get to them in the proper review so Dana HIll deserves praise as Max, giving just the right amount of 90′s TV Kid mixed with real honest emotion and i’ts a tragedy she’s gone. She would’ve been right up there with the rest of this amazing cast in history. Though at least she got a worthy succesor.. but that’s not for now. For now we’re taking an interlude to look at the wonderfully 90′s music video that was aired along with this special:

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Gotta Be Gettin Goofy:

This was my raw reaction to this video. Now is it bad? No the song has great flow it somehow manages to scratch Bill Farmer’s goofy vocals with the beat, the rapper makes the cheesy lyrics work, and the chorus of “gotta be getting goofy” backs a great bit. It’s not a bad SONG.. but the video is a hilariously insane mess. We have two of the poor dancers forced to wear just.. HORRIFYING looking Goofy costumes that look like the Dog based sequel to cats that thankfully only exists in my nightmares

I pityt hose poor dancers. Meanwhile the rest of the dancers are wearing Goofy Baseball uniforms and letterman jackets for some reason. is it beause Goofy likes sportsball. I thoguth they just had them lying around but now I see the g’s on the uniform. They CHOOSE to do this. Max also does a shredding guitar solo, not the max up there the animated max. Combine that with LOTS OF random clips from the show and you get this thing.. and i’ts worth a watch> it’s just hilarously what the shit.. not the most hilariously what the shit thing i’ve seen.. not even this week... that would be this thing from the Eurovision Song contest...

youtube

Your welcome. So moving on because this is already badly behind.

Good Neighbor Goof:

So our second episode opens with the Goof’s trying to move in and pete being upset their being loud. Now being upset your neighbors are being loud is one thing: Mine set off fireworks all week around fourth of July. Granted Pete would probably be the one doing such nonsense but still, I get it.. but it’s fair to have a lot of noise when your moving in and in Goofy’s case also trying to patch up a massive hole in the place.

So he does what any reasonable man would do and activates the earthquake machine he hid in the basement.

I wasn’t kidding about the MODOK comparisons. Granted the thing uses a belt to somehow do this.. but it’s designed to SIMULATE AN EARTHQUAKE AN DDOES SO WELL. The only reason Goofy’s not dead is that pete uses a low setting that instead ends up unpacking everything. IT’s a neat gag but again... PETE HAS AN EARTHQUAKE MACHINE.

Which Goofy accidently destroys his boat with. Meanwhile the boys try to talk over tin can phones only for Pete to notice and try to stop it because he’s a dick and doesn’t want his son to be happy because he hates Goofy. So Pete’s idea of a punishment is for PJ to wear the family shoes to go crush cans while wearing a helmet and given Pete mutters to himself about this keeping PJ away from Max i’ts likely something that he made up to torture his son soooo..

Pete Sucks Counter: 8 Max being a good pal agrees to help his friend crush the cans down to recycle for money and comes up with a zany scheme to do so

Meanwhile we get a few scenes of Pete trying to eff with Goofy’s day: Peg is making food for Goofy like a good neighbor/someone planning for their eventual divorce, so Pete makes him some too with tons of hot sauce. By the laws of classic cartoons, naturally Goofy loves it and wonders if Pete has hot sauce, while Pete trying it explodes his head Scanner’s style.

He then tries giving Goofy a chainsaw loaded with some kind of explosive or something... so yes he’s esclated to MURDER over.. Goofy annoying him a bunch as he’s apparently given up on the whole taking over that lot thing.

Pete Sucks Counter: 9 But it is hilariously petty and naturally backfires again by cartoon law as Pete ends up starting it for Goofy who can’t get it going.

Meanwhile PJ and Max inact the plan which is to drop a bolder with a rope on the cans, but end up having to ride the cans down when PJ lets it go too early and it ends up sweeping both boys on top of the box. They have fun though, with PJ actually getting to enjoy life for once and loving having a new friend.

So as his lot in life Pete has to ruin it by yelling at PJ for getting diryt, then for hanging out with max as he can SMELL the goof on him.. which means he’s either exaggerating or he knows what goofy smells like.

So he forbids PJ to see him insluting max.. while Max is hanging out the window and ends up crying. Oh and Peg never gets involved in any of this across both parts, likely because she dosen’t know.. which makes it even MORE horrifying as it gives off the implication Pete gets away with his abuse of his son because he hides it, like a real world abuser. But even then some things like trying to break up his and Max’s friendship or the toys thing you’d THINK she’d notice.

So we get more untetionally telling stuff as PJ says he’ll treasure this day and the only time he was happy.

Pete Sucks Count: 14 2 for the last scene, 3 for ALLL this one implies. But Max won’t give up the ghost no he won’t give it up. They haven’t the strength to hold on for long but if they both hold on together they can make each other strong. So he has a plan: have Goofy throw a Luau and invite the petes.

Peg naturally forces him to attend and Pete is a dick about it at first, but eventually enjoys himself when they do a conga line. The pets, Waffles and Chainsaw get into some antics. I do love Waffles because I love a kitty. Chainsaw is okay even though I love me a good doggo. Especially this one.

You are a Good Boy, Good Boy. But eventually while playing a party game about passing coconuts, Pete considers the coconut and considers the trees but dosen’t consider Goofy kicking him in the face AGAIN

So Pete is naturally a dick about this despite it being you know, an accident. But he takes it a step further by insulting Max Pete Sucks Count: 15 So Goofy gets mad. But here’s where a rather sizeable flaw shows up in the episode as Goofy.. acts exactly like Pete does about the insuing feud. He forbids Max to see PJ makes up rules and is generally petty and vindictive. And look Goofy could be in the shorts. He’s endlessly adaptable.. but here nothing about his character has shown he’d sink to this and it feels forced to bring abotu the climax.

Thankfully said finale salvages thing: That night Max pulls PJ into his room via the cans, and comes up with a plan.. weirdly asking PJ to hit him with a muffin to save their friendship... but it’s not random it turns out. His plan.. is brilliant. While I really don’t like these types of feud between neighbors make our kids suffer by making them not be able to be friends because we’re being petty children plots, this one has a REALLY clever solution to that: Max and PJ FAKE an oversclated fued similar to their parents, starting with insutls and throwing mulch and escalting to taking down each others fences and then throwing food at each other, before injuring their dads with planks and stuff, nothing serious just slapstick stuff, all to get both to settle down and try and get the boys to stop fighting.. it works like a charm, it’s full of great bits like Peg offering the boys pie only for Max to use it as amuination and i’ts just a great way to end one of these episodes. Not that I WANT more of these episodes but if your going to do this stock plot you might as well be creative with it.

So we end on the Petes and Goofs having a BBQ, all friends again, with Pete having his marina and Goofy nearly burning Pete’s house down and us getting a photo to end the episode.

Final Thoughts:

This one was a step down. Pete’s abuse is REALLY highlighted here and the plot is very paint by numbers and forces Goofy to be out of character for the last act for it to work at all. He just strikes me as too genuine and noble to hold onto a grudge this easily. Peg is also reduced from her usual feisty self to being oddly useless, not stepping in at ANY point to stop any of this depsite it being grossly otu of character. There’s a few great gags and a great climax, but the whole product is just okay

Later Today: Goof Week and Goofy’s birthday continue as I complete the trilogy of Shortstaculars with one about my boy! Featuring Goofy’s first apperance, his first short and the first apperance of what would eventually become Max!

If you liked this review, follow me for more and consider joining my Patreon which you can find RIGHT HERE. Even a buck a month helps me keep doing these and more gets me to my stretch goals, the next one up being the two remaining ducktales mini series, a darkwing duck episode a month and a reivew of the danny phantom film the ultimate enemy. And even a buck a month gets you access to exclusvie reviews, my patreon exclusive discord and to pick a short any time I do one of my shortstaculars. My next one is for Donald’s birthday next montha nd there’s only 6 days left to get on that pay cycle so if that sounds good to you get on in NOW while you still can and i’ll see you at the next rainbow.

#goofy goof #goofy #goof troop #max goof #P.J. Pete #PJ Pete #Pete Pete #Peg Pete #Pistol Pete #Sponerville #Gotta Be Getting Goofy #disney channel #the disney afternoon #disney afternoon #disney xd #disney plus

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panharmonium · 4 years

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@merlinobsessionist you understand me on a spiritual level

[putting the rest of this under a cut because it just ended up being me grumping at length about fandom trends - which, yes, i am well-aware is a silly endeavour in all cases, but sometimes you just gotta have your little grump regardless, you know, for health reasons. X) and in this particular case the grumping is probably relevant/entertaining only to myself, and you, and one or two other people here, so, tucking it away to spare everyone’s dash :) ]

the other day i was exploring the mostly abandoned wasteland that is the merlin fandom on livejournal (since that’s my original fandom home and obviously i missed out on being involved in that particular niche of lj when merlin was active, so i was feeling nostalgic and kinda curious as to it had looked like) - i stumbled over a merlin fic-finders comm and looked up my boy william just for kicks, and surprisingly, a couple of the old requests sounded like maybe i WAS involved in the merlin fandom on livejournal back then and i just don’t remember it

i think i wrote this in a past life

this is an eleven year-old comment in a mostly defunct fandom community but i felt it in my BONES

oh, my dear commenter from 8 years ago, i WISH XD

it made me laugh, and then it made me grumpy, because obviously there were very few suggestions offered in response to these asks - the fics just don’t exist, not in any numbers.

and like, the thing is, i don’t particularly care about the shipping side of things for the most part; i always lean towards gen and that’s mostly been it, for me; that’s always been my MO in every fandom i’ve ever participated in, but - look. if i have to witness (*checks ao3*) 23,830 (twenty four thousand. twenty four THOUSAND!!!!) instances of merlin getting together with arthur hecking pendragon, over and over and over again, in every AU configuration under the sun, then you had better believe i am ready and willing to plead the case of the only person in the merlin-verse who did not think arthur pendragon deserved merlin’s entire life.

and of course, there’s nothing inherently wrong with arthur and merlin as an item, obviously (i mean, i can name a few things about it that don’t appeal to me personally, but that is not the same thing as a value judgment) and everybody should have fun with their own ships, always - but for me, personally, there is just...enough of that out there. i have seen Enough. it’s hard for me to even determine where the rest of the fandom is, under the ever-present spread of merlin/arthur content; a picture of merlin/arthur should literally be next to the dictionary entry for steamroller.

and of course, i knew it would be like this from the beginning, and i know complaining about the ubiquitousness of a particular ship in fandom is utterly silly, in the end, because it’s not like there’s anything wrong with something being ubiquitous - the whole point of fandom is to make what you love, and if that’s what everybody loves, well, hey, that’s just how it is! that’s what people should be making - the stuff they love! that’s what fandom is here for! i only mutter to myself in the bubble of my own blog because the ubiquitousness makes it almost impossible for me to find what *i* love, because i don’t want to read about arthur/merlin in the first place, no matter who else appears in the fic, and also because my fave minor character, while he gets a pretty good amount of fannish screentime for someone who showed up in one episode, also suffers from the curse known as “virtually everything he features in is actually about merlin and arthur getting it on”

like - by the numbers, when you exclude merlin/arthur from will’s character tag, will retains less than 20% of his fics, some of which are already like...you know, he’s dead, or just mentioned, et cetera.

and his poor ship tag...he and merlin have 136 fics in their tag, and at first you wanna look at that and be like - ‘hey, not bad, pal, that’s p. good for a rarepair!’ but in actuality, less than 20 of those fics are actually about him and merlin. like...12% of his own ship tag actually belongs to him, and the rest is him being used as a plot device to get arthur and merlin together.

and i am sure that a lot of other side characters probably suffer from this, too, given the general fic distribution in this fandom, though the only person i’ve looked at for comparison purposes is freya, who is a (mostly) one-ep character like will. she, despite that, doesn’t appear to get hit quite as hard - she seems to keep more of her fic for herself, which is nice (when i exclude merlin/arthur from the freya/merlin search, freya still retains about 65% of her fics, as opposed to will’s sad little 12%). i’m glad for her, though - she of all people does not need to be losing fic to arthur; she has suffered enough.

to put things in perspective, though - merlin and uther have more fics in their ship tag that earnestly focus on the tagged....hnhhmgnhn i can’t say it...relationship than merlin and will do - even filtering out every instance of dubcon/noncon.

(and yes, i did in fact want to die when i had to actually click the merlin/uther tag on ao3 in order to check that factoid, thanks for asking.)

so, that said - i don’t generally read canon-era fic anyway, when i’m actively writing for a fandom, but since the merlin fandom sometimes feels like it consists solely of modern AU’s anyway, all i am trying to say is that it would be nice if i could pick up an AU including a character i enjoy without seeing him constantly reduced to:

merlin’s loser ex

merlin’s abusive ex (w h at)

merlin’s ex who’s kinda sorta tolerable-ish, maybe, if you squint, but just ultimately Not Right for merlin - holding merlin back, or being too overbearing, or too pushy, or Just Not Enough - or being someone who merlin stays with only bc he’s familiar and merlin’s settling for something safe and unrisky and stagnantly unfulfilling

the dude who merlin cheats on to be with arthur

the dude who cheats on merlin, bc the fic needed a reason to break up merlin and will so that white-knight!arthur could swoop in (cue me shouting ‘IN WHAT UNIVERSE DO YOU THINK WILL WOULD EVER - ’)

the dude merlin “makes mistakes with” when things with arthur aren’t going well

the friend-with-benefits who’s apparently chill with a casual arrangement, thus keeping himself conveniently out of the way of the oncoming merlin/arthur train

the friend-with-benefits who’s secretly NOT chill with a casual arrangement and who’s pining for merlin, except we all know that ain’t ever going anywhere because arthur exists, and in the meantime merlin only ever gets together with will to try and forget his problems

the friend-with-no-benefits who’s still pining for merlin (which situation, i might add, would be read completely differently if it were arthur in will’s shoes, because if that were the case then the audience would 100% be rooting for him)

the “best friend” whose only purpose in fic is to provide space for conversations/debriefs about merlin’s relationship/pre-relationship with arthur (like - i’m sorry, but there desperately needs to be some type of bechdel-esque test for will; e.g. do will and merlin have a conversation about something other than arthur pendragon? if yes, u win, u may pass go, collect 20 dollars, congratulations)

the friend whose dislike of arthur always, ALWAYS ends up being framed as a mistake. as will’s stubborn unwillingness to give arthur a chance, until at last will sees the light and succumbs to the irresistible beauty of merlin and arthur’s eternal love. -_- there is vanishingly rare acknowledgement in fic of the fact that in the canon universe, all of the criticisms will makes about merlin and arthur’s relationship are not only accurate, but made in merlin’s best interests (and also, ultimately, proven right, by the end of the show - merlin tanks his whole damn life for a series of empty promises prophesying arthur pendragon’s future potential, and he gets NOTHING for his devotion. merlin is more alone at the end of the show than he was at the beginning, when his only dream was to be loved and accepted by more than the two people who’d comprised his entire life up until that point. and he spends at least half a decade in between the show’s hopeful beginning and its miserable end being told that he’s evil by the very person for whom he is expected to sacrifice his future.

so what, exactly, makes will so wrong to be wary? who among us wouldn’t be angry if we saw somebody we loved being forced to sacrifice themselves on an unforgiving altar like this?

i don’t know the answer. i’m not sure what it is that earns will his spot on the “destined to be shafted for arthur pendragon” list. i don’t know if it’s an unconscious backlash to will’s refusal to hop on the arthur/merlin train, or if it’s just a superficial understanding/lack of genuine interest in his character, which, in that case, sure, i’ll give people that one, in all fairness; not everyone has spent a year picking his character apart (though i still don’t think it justifies tossing him in there just because the fic needs a random insert who can be positioned as inferior to arthur’s gloriousness). either way, the end result is that we usually end up seeing a will who has very little in common with his source material, or who needs to ultimately step aside to make way for arthur - arthur, who never displays the same level of care toward merlin in canon that merlin shows toward him, and who actively oppresses merlin’s people for the entire duration of their relationship.

like...it’s all just fic, obviously, and we can make characters as OOC as we want; have fun; go wild. but at the same time, it’s impossible for me not to balk at how arthur in some of this fic is just - utterly unrecognizable. in comparison with fic!will, arthur is the most Solicitous, Gentle, Understanding, Deeply Concerned, Invested-In-Merlin’s-Welfare-and-Inner-Thoughts creature you ever did see, and I’m just over here like - it is not like that! it is NOT LIKE THAT! IT HAS LITERALLY NEVER BEEN LIKE THAT. arthur pendragon in fic sometimes interacts with merlin like - he tilts his head and listens like a therapist and affirms absolutely everything merlin says and tells him ‘gosh, i understand. tell me more. how can i help you’ - he goes about his day thinking about merlin and putting merlin first and i just - i literally have never seen this person before in my life. who is this man? who is this unbelievably attentive paragon of caring? i’ve never met him before.

the entire running problem with merlin and arthur’s friendship in canon is that arthur, while he absolutely does care about merlin, tends to take merlin for granted. merlin is just another feature of arthur’s landscape, until something dramatic happens and arthur has a little scare and saves merlin’s life, and then things go back to the way they were. arthur doesn’t See merlin the way he should, not in the ordinary moments. merlin goes home and spends his evenings thinking about arthur’s life; he ties himself in knots trying to help arthur develop as a person and to keep arthur safe and happy, but arthur just goes home and eats supper with his wife. arthur does not go home and spend his nights agonizing over how he can improve merlin’s life. he never once thinks, ‘my purpose on this earth is to serve and support my friend merlin.’ he never feels like he’s supposed to be half of some two-sided coin. i know people like to give arthur this quality in their fic - and that’s totally fine, of course, it’s fic, have as much fun as you want - but in canon, that is just not something arthur pendragon does. it’s not who he is shown to be.

and yet almost every time when i go to explore fandom, i find that the person who does put merlin first in canon is perpetually elbowed aside for this extremely generous interpretation of everyone’s favorite prince.

and i just...i always try to find the good bits in everything, and i am sometimes willing to overlook a ship i don’t personally enjoy if there’s something else about the piece that i think is great, but there’s only so many times i can read the sentence “merlin had never felt like this with anyone, not even will” in fics where merlin and will are supposed to have been dating or even married/engaged, or “will was merlin’s best friend, but he just didn’t understand” (not like arthur, of course, who merlin literally just met a week ago), or “will was great, but there was only so much of him merlin could stand in one sitting/will was great, but he was best enjoyed in small doses.” there’s only so many times i can read a hundred different variations of that before i start to get real grumpy. and that’s not even touching the fics where will’s portrayed less favorably than that, even.

so, you know. i feel grumbly about it sometimes, how this particular character is trapped in a perpetual net of always being less-than, when one of the nicest parts of fandom for me is that every character/ship can have an infinitude of possibilities, even the ones i personally think are unbelievably bizarre (which category merlin and will do not even fall into, like - it’s not an incredible leap. merlin/mordred is a leap, okay; mordred is like seventeen years old! leon/morgana is a leap - how on earth did that become so popular??? - but will and merlin? that’s not a leap.)

what is it about will that makes him so tempting to trample over? will’s only sin in canon was to look at arthur pendragon and pronounce himself utterly unimpressed. his only crime was to tell merlin ‘this dude isn’t good for you,’ about which fact he was CORRECT, by the way - he is the first person who ever chooses to care about merlin, the first person merlin ever chooses to trust, the first friend who loves real!merlin without needing to be coaxed and convinced and taught that it’s okay. he is the only one who ever tells merlin ‘you deserve better than this mess,’ the only one for whom merlin has always been priority number one and in whose eyes arthur isn’t even on the map. merlin’s friendship with will (and lancelot, afterwards) is the healthiest one merlin ever gets to experience, and i wish more fannish material acknowledged it as such, as opposed to using will to set up merlin and arthur’s epic romance.

all of this, i suppose, is just a very long way of saying that now that i am no longer avoiding spoilers and have actually started testing the waters of the wider fandom, i have come to the obstinate, utterly inflexible conclusion that will deserves his own collection of happy endings, and i don’t care if i have to write them myself. i’ve already got the gen angle covered. and even though i’ve never written ship!fic in my life, the fact of the matter is that spite can be a hell of a motivator, and i will bite the bullet and learn how to do it if i have to. if people can really be out here tagging their merlin/uther fics as “schmoop” (YES. REALLY.) then by GOD, i swear, there are no excuses - this fandom can accommodate literally anything; there’s no reason it can’t accommodate stories where will wins. let this kid have his good ending. arthur pendragon can fall in love with merlin 23,830 times despite his and merlin’s ship flying in the face of canon, and that means will deserves his own tiny handful of stories to be actually about him, without his and merlin’s relationship being used solely as a stepping stone on the way to merlin and arthur’s 23,831st triumph.

i am just saying - if uther pendragon can fall in love with merlin and have it tagged as ‘fluff,’ then for the love of all that is good, we can give will his moment. let will enjoy the respect he should have earned from us when he died saving both merlin and arthur’s lives. let will be a person in his own right, instead of a plot device sacrificed to the (in)glorious altar of merthur. let will have an inner life of his own. let will have a best friend who doesn’t treat him like an accessory to The Greatest Love Story Ever Told. let will himself live out The Greatest Love Story Ever Told, for once. let will get his guy. i may tend to focus on friendship in my own work, but there are a lot of universes out there, and when it comes to someone who has always been so alone, and so singularly focused on merlin’s wellbeing, i’m not entirely sure if friendship even feels anything different to “in love” for will at all, in at least some of these places.

let will have his happy tags. he’s been on his own for so much of his life - let him have his simple ‘friendship’, his ‘platonic love,’ his ‘found family.’ let him have his lovestruck ‘pining,’ ‘friends-to-lovers,’ ‘angst with a happy ending,’ too, and let him keep those tags for himself. let characters who aren’t arthur pendragon have their love stories.

i may not care much for shipping, and i would rather read gen any day of the week, but let me tell you right now, i would rather write will and merlin settling down in a haze of domestic bliss 23,830 times before i would ever want to watch merlin ditch him yet again for a dude who never matched merlin’s level of caring and investment in the canon ‘verse.

#the once and future slowburn #no kings no masters #fandom #thank you for coming to the extended version of my ted talk #ultimately i know it's silly to be so invested #in something this small #and i constantly struggle with feeling...bizarrely self-conscious about like - even writing things like this because #it's so inconsequential and then i feel silly for being so interested #and using so many words for such a little thing #you know like when you're young and you get embarrassed about being so passionate about some niche interest #i feel like someone is looking at me and being like 'BOY THAT GIRL IS STUPID'#(why you ask???)#(i don't know; it's ridiculous!)#but then there's like another voice in my head yelling 'THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT FANDOM IS FOR'#'fanatic domain'#you're SUPPOSED to be fanatically obsessed about something; that is literally the point #people devote whole blogs to their tiny niche interests and their favorite pairings and they post incessantly about one thing #and i never think that's weird #that's just fandom #so i just have to like - chill out about myself lol #i am allowed to make innumerable posts about something only i care about #and i am allowed to be as passionate about tiny niche things as i want #that is literally the purpose of fandom and i just have to keep reminding myself of that #i have no trouble remembering it when it comes to other people's interests #but i always get self-conscious about my own #ANYWAY I'M WORKING ON IT #but in the meantime i'm having fun #which is the entire point of being a fan so #all is well #:D

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murfeelee · 5 years

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Alright, I’ve been talking about The Witcher TV show for months and months, and now I’ve FINALLY seen it.

I've skimmed through the books here and there, but really I’m a diehard fan of the video games, particularly The Witcher 3 (I’ve played TW1 and TW2 as well). Because of all the hype, attention and love the TW3 got over the years, with even Henry Cavill being a major fan of the video games, Netflix went and made this tv show, with Cavill as Geralt of Rivia, The Witcher.

MY THOUGHTS

It was GOOD! \(^0^)/ I really liked it!

Alright, don’t get excited, I think this show had some serious problems. But we’ll start with the good before getting to the bad and the ugly.

THE GOOD

THE ACTING

Everyone was top notch, and did a fantastic job. I freaking LOVE Grandma Calanthe, omg. I wanted more of her, and Mama Tissaia, and the different sorceresses (when Sodden started I was like hooo boy, I know how this goes; the finale is WORTH the price of admission, folks).

I even liked Eclipse-Princess (her name escapes me, my bad; I was calling her Arya 2.0 in my head). Don’t think I effing missed how they threw in a nod to the Eclipse Princess from Blood & Wine; that was awesome, featuring the Black Sun “curse” again.

I already knew I was gonna HAVE to tune in to see Yennefer’s story, and it was every bit as superb as I suspected it would be. Dare I say it was THE most interesting story arc of the three? Caught me tearing up a few times. I still don’t see book/game/Polish Yennefer with her, but she did a GREAT job, nonetheless--her emotions and delivery and everything was excellent.

She sounds so dang young though, which throws me off with the timeline, cuz when exactly does Yenn’s story take place in all of this? It’s hard to match her with the more...well....matronly/mature persona we’re more familiar with in the games. But I guess she develops that over time, after getting to raise Ciri. Though this does put in better perspective why she was so mean to Ciri at first, calling her ugly and everything. She wanted a child so badly, and Geralt just...gets one by surprise, and she was feeling bitter, I see it now.

THE ACTION

And I gotta give it to Cavill. Boy can MOVE. My favorite moments with Cavill were when he was sword fighting; whoever choreographed all that needs a frikkin award. I imagined the Butcher of Blaviken just tearing up mofos, and that’s exactly what we got. And he was WERKING them pants! XD

Except we never really saw my favorite sign, Igni. Oh well. And I hate that he doesn’t have cat eyes. And the Toxicity ISTG makes him look like a vampire and makes no effing sense, but whatevs.

And sometimes he was sounding WAY too Batman or demonic with this really deep and gravelly voice -- I appreciate that he was trying to give us that gruff and sandpaper dry video game Geralt, but when they’d make him yell or be mad I was like JFC NOT TODAY SATAN. But an attempt was made, and I appreciate it. ^_^ He was fine for the most part. More than fine, even. As I said, the acting & action was great, and they played to Cavill’s strengths.

THE SPECIAL EFFECTS

I also thought the CGI was fine--not the best, no, but I’ve seen way worse in shows with bigger budgets. The dragons...eh.... And that kikimore.... Well, I’m just remembering the Polish tv show, the Hexer--BIG improvement. Trust me. O_O The practical effects were excellent. Even though they messed around A LOT with the Striga plot from TW1, and what it looked like, I did like that they stayed pretty faithful to the fight.

THE STORIES & CHARACTERS

IMO, the best episode was E04, with Pavetta & Duny. It was just REALLY well done, and the one I was LEAST expecting. My favorite episode was E06, with the dragon, because of course. Reminded me of Hercules the Legendary Journeys, IDKY. The finale was really good, too; I love the sorceresses and all the magic. And E07 when all the plots and flashbacks come together was great.

And now for MY COMPLAINTS

THE BAD

#1) OMG WTF WAS UP WITH THE TIMELINE?

I feel BAD for anyone who’s watching this show fresh, who’s never played the games, read the books, seen the Polish Hexer tv show, played Gwent, or anything related to the Witcher world.

I was thrown off several times, as they shot from Ciri running for her life or Geralt fighting a Striga in the present time; to Yennefer learning magic in the past. Geralt & Dandelion go on adventures Shrek & Donkey style--I ASSUMED in the present, with the Sylvan, Djinn & Dragon, until an episode or two later they’re in Cintra together in the PAST, and Ciri’s not even born yet, and we’re seeing a drunk Ermion/Mousesack and young Crach an Craite (I squeed, my dad~!! His accent was on point!), and Ciri’s mom and grandma. (And WOW, the lady they got to play the mom looks just like the actress playing Ciri--are they related?)

And they do this over and over again over the episodes--present day with Ciri, eff knows when with Geralt or Yennefer. Especially since you know from the books/games that they’re both almost 100 years old. Yenn keeps throwing out “it’s been decades“ this and “years” that. But W H E N though!?!

I mean, I could follow along, sure, but they REALLY needed to make it clearer SOONER for people who have NO idea who TF these people or which kingdoms are which, that some things are happening YEARS apart from each other. Pay attention to how many times GoT shoved those maps of Westeros and Essos in our faces. Or how different shows use color filters for flashbacks or something. Properly situate the audience in time AND space--we’re not Cirilla, who can travel willy nilly between both. They bounced back and forward between past and present with the toss of a frikkin coin.

And speaking of coins...

#2) THE MUSIC WAS...Well.

youtube

Oh, Dandelion. XD

Anyone who knows me knows I fangirl HARD over the Witcher video game OSTs. And unfortunately, the music on the tv show was just...alright. :\ And for a franchise so closely connected to iconic music like the band Percival, it’s a crime against nature that the tv show never had a single track that made me go YES. Give it up for POLAND. The end credits song is okay, but I only started getting into it at like Episode 6, soooo... :\

And no, I didn’t like Toss A Coin to Your Witcher in this show. It didn’t sound like part of this medievalesque universe AT ALL, but something kinda pop/country, aimed at I don’t even know who. Sure, the dude playing Dandelion can sing. But so can Ed Sheeran, and when GoT got him to sing on the show, he sure AF didn’t bust out with the next Billboard Top 40 on us in the middle of nowhere.

#3) THE CHARACTER BONDING?

The acting was top notch...it was the plot/writing I didn’t like. Or rather, the relationships between the characters. I felt more for Yennefer & Istredd, and Geralt & Roach, and Ciri & the Elf boy (and her grandma), and even Pavetta & effing Duny/Emhyr (that royal piece of sh!te) than I did for any other characters on this whole show. And that’s a bit of a problem.

First off, I HATED how they made it seem that TEENAGED Ciri had no idea who TF Geralt was. TV Ciri’s gotta be what? 15? Geralt said something about it having been 12 years since Pavetta & Duny, but even that’s too old. Book!Ciri met Geralt IN the Brokilon or whatever forest with all the water drinking and the dryad queen and mess.

They were already obsessed with each other before the fall of Cintra even happened! Ciri was like 10 already when Geralt took Ciri to Kaer Morhen to start her Witcher training, but this girl on the show’s way older, and effing clueless. They don’t even meet til the final few SECONDS, wtf!! It’s just Destiny~! Destiny~! Child of Surprise, but we never even have a scene together~! Destiny~!

Speaking of children, we have Yennefer and Geralt, which was better, but again, WOAH with the pacing. I felt effing BAD for Istredd! :( I don’t really GET why Geralt & Yenn fell so hard for each other; I don’t really feel that connection. Geralt had just as much bonding time with that eclipse-princess! They only had the Djinn episode, really, and by the end of the Dragon episode it was already over!

I mean, yeah, in the books/game they have A LOT of ups and downs, but come on; we’ve already wasted so much time on Geralt & Triss (that homewrecking wench, I’m glad her airtime was minimal), and I just want more BAMF battle couple parents Geralt & Yenn raising Ciri already! >_<

Same with Geralt & Dandelion. Geralt’s kinda mean to him, which is fair; Geralt hates everyone. But I don’t feel where they’re friends at all, and they part at the end of the season on NOT great terms. I kinda feel Geralt doesn’t really like Dandelion at all. :( Even with the whole comedic relief Shrek schtick,

THE UGLY

#4) THE LENGTH

I dunno what’s up with all the 8 episode miniseries lately (GoT, Mandalorian, Witcher, etc), but it REALLY isn’t enough to really flesh out a story. Especially not one as convoluted as The Witcher, AKA the GoT of Poland.

Again, I REALLY feel for the casuals watching, who probably don’t know what the Conjunction of Spheres Istredd keeps referring to is, or what exactly a Witcher is, or why Ciri’s so dang special -- was Lara Dorren or the Elder Blood ever even MENTIONED???

We know Yenn’s got elf blood, but it’s waaaay more than that with Ciri -- though I don’t think they mentioned her elf blood, either, just that Calanthe’s grandmother or someone had their Banshee powers before Pavetta & Ciri.

BTW, wtf with Ermion/Mousesack? That’s gotta be a red herring or something. Cuz we know this dude’s old AF and thriving in Skellige, sooo....? TF. Why the Doppler? Why?

TBH this felt like Season 1A, if anything. I don’t feel the plot really progressed much at all, other than us getting Yennefer’s story. Ciri & Geralt finally meet (cliffhanger supreme right there), but jfc this felt like a prequel -- so much of the season was dedicated to backtracking us in a roundabout way up to the fall of Cintra, then skipping ahead to the Battle at Sodden Hill.

And why the heck did they wait so long to get to get to Vigelfortz!? That’s what I was sitting here WAITING for! You mean I gotta wait for Season TWO to see my Hanse in full force!? :( URGH. Reeeeeeeegiiiiiiiis~! :(

Maybe cut out some of the unnecessary nudity every frikkin where and tell the full frikkin story, hmm? (Yenn’s boobs look great, we got it the first 5 times. Meanwhile these cowards won’t even have a dude’s left testicle be shown on screen, but whatever.)

So yeah, those are my 4 biggest complaints.

Well, and that wig’s hard AF hair line, jfc.(I was DYING during the Pavetta & Duny scene, when Cavill was holding on to that wig for dear life. XD XD)

Otherwise, I really liked the show! B+!

#nonsims #non-sims #the witcher #the witcher 3

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halehavetogosometime · 5 years

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omo shipping meme: witcher

Any of y’all kinky bastards into the Witcher yet?

If you’ve wandered here from elsewhere: here be Omorashi. That’s kink to do with pee, folks.

This is an interesting meme to do in this fandom, since it’s not anything close to a contemporary time period. Some stuff didn’t seem to apply at all, so I modified/removed prompts as seemed appropriate.

So here’s my take for Geralt and Jaskier:

--- Who wets because they didn’t want to get up from a video game/computer/work or other activity?

Obvs no video games, but I can see plenty of situations where Jaskier gets, like, super involved in composition, maybe... or, better, is performing someplace, for important folks mebbe, and has some close calls because the banquet goes on so long without a break or whatever. But I would think the hit to his reputation from wetting himself while in the spotlight would be much greater than insisting the musicians get a break, so i wouldn’t think there’d be many actual accidents.

Geralt, however, has definitely pissed himself in the course of a fight/his work and gives 0 fucks about that. it’s not even harder to clean off his clothes/leathers/etc than monster guts, so what the fuck ever.

--- Who insists they can hold it even when they can’t?

Def Jaskier. Like, I can see a scenario where Geralt would do this playfully if they were doing a hold for fun or as part of a sex game or smth. But genuinely? Jaskier is more likely.

though I also accept the take that Jaskier is obnoxious as hell when he needs to pee but can’t right then, and would never put himself through the pain of prolonging the torture, insisting he was chill when he was actually uncomfortable... and yeah, I can see acerbic Geralt in a situ, maybe at some kind of feast or ball where he can’t just rudely walk away, for fear of reflecting poorly on Jaskier, and he’s no notion how to get away without being rude, so he’s just... he’s fine. he’ll be fine. he can hold forever-- it’ll be fine.

fuk.

--- Who pees in a bottle because they didn’t want to leave their warm bed at night?

I mean, is that not what a chamber pot is? And this is the era of chamber pots. And they both have dicks. I can see somebody making an argument for Geralt, with his canonically advanced sense of smell, preferring not to have waste just sitting around where he’s gonna sleep... but honestly, urine can’t smell worse than monster guts, so, again, I doubt he gives a fuck.

--- Who doesn’t pay attention to their fluid intake?

Jaskier probs. I would think that Geralt is usually hyper-aware of whether or not his body is in optimum condition. When it’s your primary tool/weapon, and you could be in a fight for your life at literally any time... it’d have to be some kind of extenuating circumstance to catch Geralt off guard.

But I can see Jaskier, high on good fun/food/company/wine being caught by surprise as he suddenly is quite full, out of nowhere.

--- Who has the larger bladder?

Geralt for almost certain. Like, Jaskier is a performer and traveler, probs used to good long stretches without prime opportunity for relief, he’s probs no slouch... but Geralt is literally a mutant bred to be physically superior.

--- Who is more likely to have a shy bladder?

Neither, both too pragmatic and comfortable in their own skins, probs. But I could see arguments for either, if an author wanted to go there.

I can see an argument for Jaskier, just because he can be a nervy little dude sometimes, so is the one more likely to experience the kind of anxiety that might cause such a thing (and he’s the one who insists it was unfair of somebody to kill that knight dude while he was “relieving his bowels, is nothing sacred anymore???” XD), perhaps especially while out on the road with Gerlat, where every stray noise in the underbrush might be a monster ready to bite his dick off or something.

And I can see an argument for a hyper vigilant Geralt, who struggles with getting comfortable/secure enough to take a piss, knowing he was uniquely vulnerable during such a time, and working so hard, so often, to NOT be vulnerable to all the shit that would gladly see him dead.

(I can also see a scenario for either one where they struggled with paruresis as a young person, and overcame it, and are caught by unfortunate surprise when it comes back, later in life, for no good/apparent reason)

--- Who will only use an appropriate facility?

Again, the time of chamber pots, I bet most folks have a real loose definition of what constitutes an appropriate facility. One could make an argument for Jasier, city person that he is, vastly preferring designated facilities... but again, he travels, and there are only bushes for “rest stops” between towns, so if he ever felt that way, he’s probs long since gotten over it.

I could actually see an argument for Geralt the other direction. like, he is mostly comfortable pissing in the woods, and actually finds it uncomfortable to do suck things indoors at all... or maybe just really dislikes the smell.

--- Who is more likely to have a holding kink?

Jaskier strikes me as the kinkier mf. like, I can totes see omo as a thing he’s low-key a bit into, like, he kinda digs being forced to hold during a performance, and then once they’re on the road together, he’s gotta play his interests real cool. but once he and Geralt are fucking, then I def can see him bringing it up, either trying to get Geralt to kind of dom him a bit and make him wait, or, shit, maybe getting Geralt to agree to wait.

I can see Geralt that way too, though. like, he spends a lot of time real focused on the state of his body, yeah? so I can see him approaching omo as, like, a way to challenge himself. like, “I can’t control the chaos, but I can control myself”, etc. in that scenario, once Jaskier works out that it’s, like, a sexy thing for Geralt, I put Jaskier 110% down to experiment/play with that.

--- Who challenges the other to holding contests?

In the same vein as above, it seems like the kind of contrary, kinky shit Jaskier would do. But also Jaskier would have to know that Geralt was likely to beat him. so Either Jaskier finds the who situ hot enough to be worth the loss...

Or it’d be Geralt. Not explicitly phrasing it as a contest, but more goading Jakier into it subtly.

--- How would each react to having an accident?

I think Geralt, as mentioned above, really wouldn’t care. Were it to happen in a way that inconvenienced Jaskier or someone, or happen at a ball/feast/party etc mebbe he’d be a bit shamefaced, but in general, that will not be the grossest thing to happen to him this week, so I don’t think he cares much.

I think Jaskier, vain hedonist that he is, is more likely to be genuinely embarrassed or humiliated, and probably play it off with humor.

But in most situ, they’ve got bigger stuff to worry about, and hygiene at this point in “history” is low enough, (and their professions, I cannot state enough, involve being in close proximity to animals/wildlife/monsterguts), I don’t think it’s the sort of thing that would ruin either of their days for very long.

--- How would each react to the other being desperate/having an accident?

I think Geralt would find Jaksier in that position a bit funny or obnoxious based on the situation (and whether he had a kink), but likely would do his best to help him eventually, as he does with most things. (unless it was Jaskier being stubborn/prideful/arguing with Geralt that led to the situ, in which case Geralt would probs be quite happy to let the sucker piss himself, and serve him right).

Roles reversed, I think Jaskier’s first response would be surprise/incredulity to see the Witcher that far out of control. he’s quite protective of Geralt in his turn, however, so again, depending on the situ, he’d be helpful, likely.

--- Who is more likely to wet because of anxiety/fear?

Jaskier, 100%. I’m not sure Geralt experiences fear intensely enough most of the time to get to that point.

--- Who is more likely to wet deliberately?

Jaskier, if part of some kinky game, I think. Geralt in a fight/if it serves some purpose.

#omorashi #omo shipping meme #the witcher #geraskier

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pekorosu · 4 years

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got my hands on the old radio drama for banana fish (thanks so much @vashak!! 😭) so im gonna do some mindless liveblogging bc i miss doing that shit

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- their voices are KILLING ME

- okay you could say it's partly bc i'm used to their anime voices but i'm actually fine with eiji's voice! IT’S THE REST OF THEM THAT SOUND REALLY FUNNY

- especially marvin and arthur omg. i could not stop laughing when they showed up. i remember thinking anime!arthur sounded way too cool, but this version just went in the complete opposite direction

- ash's voice is a little deeper (?) than i expected. i don’t think that’s the right word for it but yeah... uchida yuuma's voice is closer to how i imagined it in terms of "youthfulness" but his is also a tad bit too "clean"...

- MEANWHILE MAX SOUNDS SO GRUFF AND MANLY LOL. now anime!max just sounds dopey in comparison

- i think the only person who doesn't make me feel like doubling over with laughter so far is dr. meredith, jenkins and eiji...

- skip sounds way too cute. son... 🥺

- the bgm when eiji and ibe first meet ash ADJHJDJSKFHKD

- IT’S JUST HILARIOUS IN CONTRAST WITH THE EARLIER BG ROCK MUSIC

- omg now it sounds a bit like pokemon music

- eiji: CAN I TOUCH UR GUN ash: SURE *pokemon music*

- HAHA EIJI'S STUPID GIGGLE

- eiji: HEY CAN I ASK U SOMETHING ash: SURE eiji: HAVE U KILLED ANYONE BEFORE ash: YUP *cheerful pokemon music continues*

- SHORTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

- i like shorter’s voice! 👌 it actually sounds similar to his anime voice, just less nasally, i think

- this version of ash sounds more uhh... forceful? emotional? idk how to describe it lol but i feel like his VA tends to 1) overdo it, or 2) get it tonally wrong for the situation...

- nooooooooooooo they removed my favourite eiji line before he jumps over the wall i was WAITING FOR IT

- hmmm the scenes just don’t have that oomph... i think it’s bc they're pushing through the scenes very quickly... then again, the anime had the same issue but their VAs still did a better job compared to this...

- i guess ash and eiji will always have sad gay piano music whatever version they're in :')

- ash's voice is starting to grow on me even though i still think he sounds off at certain parts that demand more subtlety. max on the other hand, is like, REALLY BAD................... imo

- "and then he kissed me" HAHAHAHA IT WAS NARRATED yeah well duh what was i expecting this isn’t a BL drama cd

- gOD arthur's voice dsfkajskghjfsdlg

- shorter's so cool tho im love 🤩

- love all the 90s gunshot sfx. PEEUNG PEEUNG PEEUNNNGGSSHHHH

- lol eiji and ibe actually sound more like friends than Concerned Dad and Reckless Son

- ash's reaction to griff's death is played so cool... no outbursts just :/ and then the scene straight away jumps to them drinking lol

- ash's crying is so manly...

- WHY IS THE CAR SCENE SO FUNNY

- ok im a lil mad bc that was the ONE scene where eiji got to rebel but this version is just 😂😂😂

- literally:

ash: anyway, imma borrow this car for a bit. eiji: *hops in* i’m coming along!!! >:DDD ash: wtf get out ibe: *knocking frantically on the window* oi eiji!!! eiji: *very cutely* c’mon if u don’t hurry up u'll get caught again :))))) ash: tch -_- *brrm brrms away*

and then they eloped

- oh my god........ is that lee dude's VA trying to do a “chinese” accent in japanese............................

- !!!! this part! i liked the way ash sounded when he was amused by eiji's naive comment about the lees. i think i prefer this take over the anime where ash was more stoic. and i like that you can hear him switching to his DEEP VOICE OF SERIOUSNESS lol.

- i also liked the next bit where shorter warns eiji to keep his head down and eiji's like WHY ARE U TRYNA PROTECT ME I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF >:T hehe iirc that wasn't in the anime

- ...i'll just put it here bc it's a rare moment that i rly enjoyed so far

- aaaand we're back to cheesy gunshot sounds

- hearing jennifer's voice feels so soothing after almost an hour of deep voices

- who sounds scarier when picking a fight? radio drama!max = 1, anime!max = -5

- ash's dad: who the hell are u guys and why are you hanging around ash. max: i’m max. i'm a friend of griffin's, we were in the same squad in vietnam. shorter: name's shorter. eiji: my name is eiji. i'm japanese.

sdfsfsdghkfhk how is that relevant to the question EIJI PLS

- that said, they actually toned down quite a lot of eiji's doofiness huh

- i truly feel like eiji's a lot less "damsel in distress" and more "chill but curious bystander", while ash is closer to the typical shounen manga protag here

- damn jessica doesn't sound as awesome as i’d hoped. the anime rly spoiled me haha

- OMG yut-lung's voice. it's so... cute... 🥺🥺

- this ENTIRE freakin scene where shorter threatens to kill eiji just lost its gravity thanks to:

1) arthur's voice sounding like a disney villain’s henchman 2) lee dude’s AWFUL accent 3) EVERYONE TALKING SO QUICKLY 4) THE OVERDRAMATIC BG VIOLINS AND DRUMS

- hmm, i think i might actually like eiji’s voice in this version more than the anime now! sorry nojima

- abraham actually sounds kinda intimidating here

- LMAO SING'S VOICEEEEE. too nasally for me XD

- oh wow, i think i prefer this version of shorter going nuts... not that the anime is worse, just that it chose to emphasize more on the tragedy of the situation while this one focuses more on the terror and urgency. probably bc of the bg music lol. also shorter’s abs were very distracting in the anime

- weapon room scene: ash sounds TOO out of breath and panicky here, but i guess it fits the context of the radio drama... it's inaccurate compared to the manga tho

- another issue i have... ibe's VA sucks. sorry but he always sounds so flat or inappropriate for the situation ><

- god this rescue scene still sounds ridic on 2nd listen... it's so over the top I CAN'T

- i gotta say, even if i were to disregard how i personally imagined ash’s voice, uchida yuuma still does it better acting-wise. i know voice acting has to involve some level of exaggeration but sometimes less is more, y’know?

- it sure feels like this radio drama is intent on cutting out as much gay as they can more interested in spotlighting the plot and action scenes, bc a lot of the convo scenes seem to have been cut...

- also the "pls come back" scene was like... so bro. no more “i’ll wait for you always”. NO HOMO. booooooooooo. but strangely enough i found the acting in it better than in the previous scenes.

- altho from what i remember, ash and eiji's VAs sounded like they had p good chemistry... but maybe it's a bit too early to say, i'll have to hear more of their casual banter to decide

- ash finding shorter's corpse scene: sorry but the anime wins, hands down

- so eiji's VA is... inoue kazuhiko? wasn't that the guy who played kakashi from naruto or something? lol i don't even go there

- gotta say, the ED song is the part that i enjoyed the most XD seriously tho, it's a nice song! and the lyrics makes up for all the lost gay haha

- okay that’s it for the first CD. nothing much of interest here, and BF starts off slow in terms of ash/eiji content anyway, so hopefully there’s more to comment on in the next CD 🤔

#banana fish liveblogging #this accidentally turned into a vs anime comparison whooooops

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defeatedbyamerechild · 5 years

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Story time (about my life)

Heya, scamps! I’m here to tell you all a story that happened today. For no reason at all. It’s got nothing to do with Pokémon, but I wanna talk about this because it was a very peculiar experience and I’d like to have a register of that. It feels like something I want to write about.

Today the fire alarm in my building went off!

That’s actually the whole story, but I’m gonna tell in details. XD You can skip his post if you don’t give a frick.

So, my sister was playing on our PS4 and I was using the computer. I have a notebook, not a desktop, that is a relevant detail. I was writting some stuff so I wasn’t wearing headphones, because I can’t write while listening to music. If I had my headphones on, I wouldn’t have even realized what was going on until the last second, but fortunately I didn’t. So we were here in my room and suddenly we hear this very loud siren or whatever coming from the hallway. And we had never heard the fire alarm before, so at first we had no clue what was going on. So I save my document and go to the living room to ask my parents what’s up, only to find out they, too, had no clue. It was sunday morning, so we were all in PJs and no one wanted to go outside to see what was happening... Then my brother volunteers to go and find out.

At this point, we’re beginning to worry. Everything so far happened in less than five minutes, perhaps less than two minutes.

Then my brother opens the front door and we realize that the sound is extremely, absurdly, ridiculously loud. To the point of almost hurting our ears. That’s when we finally realized. “F***, IT MUST BE THE FIRE ALARM”. Before that, we kind of hadn’t thought of it, it’s so rare to have something like that happen... We kinda thought it was something in another apartment or anything such... But when we heard how loud it was, then it all came together. So my brother starts to go down the stairs to ask the janitor if it was just a random incident, like, if it had just went off on its own, or if there was really a fire, while we start getting dressed in case we need to run out. We put on the first clothes we can find and my brother returns at the speed of light telling us everyone needs to leave the building.

I’ve never experienced something like this, all my life has been very peaceful and fortunate. I’ve never been robbed, I’ve never seen a person die, I had never experienced an actual emergency. So it was very unreal to me. I was really nervous. I knew I had to leave my stuff behind. I knew I could only grab one very important thing, maybe two. I knew I couldn’t save my plush dolls, my Nintendo 3DS, my pencil case and other drawing materials, my saxophone, my PS4, my clothes, my books, My drawing tablet... All that went through my mind in a milisecond while I got dressed.

Then I grabbed my PC. I have so much in my PC, I couldn’t lose it... At that moment I was very glad I have a notebook! But I knew I couldn’t bring the cable, the mouse and other accessories. i knew there might be chaos, so bringing anything clumsy such as a lot of small accessories was out of the question! I rushed to the kitchen with only one thing in my mind: I gotta save my bird! So I grab her whole cage. Yes, I know. A bird cage is very clumsy, but I couldn’t leave her there! My brother comes to help me, he takes the cage while I take the computer. Great, this way we can save both! So we get out of the appartment and then I realize “’I’M WEARING SOCKS”. I know it’s stupid, but I think for a milisencond if I should go back and put my shoes on or not. I decide to do it because there doesn’t seem to be any fire near and I know where my shoes are. I run like a lightning bolt and shove my feet into my shoes without untying and re-tying the laces, ~I literally just forced my feet into the shoes and bolted outside again.~ OK! Everything is right now!

My mom tells us to be calm. There is no chaos, everyone is going down the stairs at a normal pace, all the neighbors are carrying their dogs and helping the elderly. The alarm is unbearably loud and my bird is scared so she keeps screaming the whole way down. We all get out of the building and cross the street, there is a faint smell of smoke. So I look up, I want to check if I can see anything... Smoke, fire, anything. There’ literally nothing, though. Everything looks normal, except for the sound of the alarm and the fact that all of us were standing outside the building.

At this point, a lot of people were watching from the surrounding buildings. To our huge surprise, we see some people still inside our bulding! On the upper floors, we see some old people looking down from the windows in the 10th floor! Then a lot of us start screaming “come down! get out of there!” and gesticulate, showing them that they should come... Surprisingly, they don’t! I have no idea what they were thinking, but even after they saw us outside, they didn’t come down. They just stayed up there the whole time. I swear I can’t understand.

Anyway... The firefighters arrived very quickly. And we didn’t need to wait much after they got there either. Apparently, there had been a gas leak that caused the fire. So even though they had already put out the fire, we had to wait a bit more so that they could check for any other leaks. We had to be sure there was no danger before we went in again.

People start to lighten up again, everything was OK. The neighbors start chatting to one another, our upper neighbor tells us about how she didn’t have the time to change and we notice she’s wearing a onesie of Eeyore, from Winnie the Pooh! It’s funny, I like how other people are just as silly and like children stuff just like me and my siblings. I wish people weren’t ashamed of wearing Winnie the Pooh pajamas after growing up! My dad decides to go to the market while e wait to go back inside. Soon other people start to show up and ask what’s going on... Dude, this is rather rude. The firetruck was right there. You could see it was some emergency. So, you know... We could have lost all of our belongings! You don’t ask someone you don’t even know about this kind of thing... Like “Hey what happened?” - Oh, you know... My house is on fire and I just lost everything! - Dude, no, just leave people alone during an emergency! Keep your curiosity for yourself... But well, everything was fine, so we just explained. A few people wanted to see my bird too, a guy stoped by with two children to take a look at her and we explained to the children about how she laid eggs sometimes, that’s why we knew she was a girl.

The firefighters did an amazing job! After less than an hour, probably not much more than half an hour in fact, they come out and tell us all we can go back in!

But you see... While I was out there, I kept thinking... What if, right? I mean, we knew the fire had been put out. We knew everything was going to be fine, but what if the fire had been bigger... So yeah, I kept thinking about the people who actually lose all their stuff in fires... I thought about all my things that I couldn’t bring with me and... Dude, that was so much stuff! Replacing all that would have been so difficult and expensive... I’d have lost hundreds of drawings, clothes, dolls... It must be so tough to go through something like this. And I’m not even talking about losing a beloved person in a situation like this! I mean, I’m a very lucky person. I thought about my birdie... What if I wasn’t home and there was a big fire... There would be no one to get her out of the building... We go out almost every Sunday, so today was an exception. Normally, I wouldn’t have been there... I’m so glad everything was fine! Also... I look at all my things in my room now and well, the thought of losing all that makes me realize just how much stuff we have gathered during our lives... I don’t think we realize how much stuff we own until we lose it. Thankfully, I didn’t lose anything today.

I don’t know how to finish this, that’s basically it. I know it’s not a super interesting story or anything... I know it’s just a random thing and probably some of you have already been through the same, or even worse, but it was the first time I’ve experienced something similar, so I wanted to write about it. And well, I had thought before in my life... If I could only save one thing or two, what would it be? I’m happy to know my choices were my PC and my bird. I’m happy I didn’t try to save more things because it would have been dumb! I’m glad I made the right choices, mostly, even though in retrospect, I guess I shouldn’t have rushed back to put on my shoes. But I’m glad to know I didn’t panic and was able to do all necessary steps! I’m glad to know that I can actually function in an emergency like that because I’ve got depression and anxiety and I didn’t know if I’d be able to actually keep calm in a moment of stress.

Anyway I don’t know how to finish so have a nice day I guess? And thanks for reading my pointless story! :)

#story #pointless #my personal life #Not Pokemon stuff

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timeywimeygalaxy · 6 years

Text

The Ghost Of You {Chapter 2}

A/N: Chapter 2 ya’ll! and gotta say this got a lot darker than I anticipated it being xD so I’m sorry for that! also to note the way Roman says “Demon” is pretty much the way Shane says it here xD Dunno why it cracks me up and Deceit is mentioned in this chapter his name will be Dorian in this AU and throughout it, I hope you like this chapter!

Warning: descriptions of murder, Swearing, Deceit (mentioned), let me know if there is anything else!

Pairings: None....yet ;)

Words: 2530

Tag List: @accio-hufflepuff-power @just-an-anxious-ravenclaw-boy

Let me know if you would like to be tagged/untagged in future updates!

Ch1 Ch 2 Ch3 Ch 4

“C’mon Ro!” Virgil huffed as all three men scurried through the airport wheeling their suitcases behind them, after a 6-hour flight which included Roman freaking out upon seeing their plane number was 180 “Have you SEEN Final Destination?” Virgil was already anxious enough without that dork making him more so, luckily Logan had diffused the situation quickly by stating “no need to worry Roman the odds of dying in a plane crash are statistically one in eleven million” “That’s still one!” Roman shouted dramatically. Virgil rolled his eyes as he pulled his arm to the checkout desk.

All three of them were frazzled, after one taxi ride, a 6 hour flight with a stop in between that, now they were finally on the ground back in their hometown and boy did it feel good to be back on home soil again, stepping out the airport helped as the cool breeze hit their faces, chucking their suitcases into a rental car, Virgil got in the drivers seat slamming the door closed, he wanted to get to their Air BnB and at least have some time to recuperate before tonight.

Arriving at their rental place, they made their way inside and dumped their suitcases in their respective rooms, Virgil opened his and started laying out devices on his bed as Logan entered his room and leaned on the door frame looking at the objects that Virgil was picking up inquisitively.

“What’s all this?” he questioned as Virgil finished laying out all the objects.

“these,” he said as he closed his suitcase and kicked it under the bed “are our tools for tonight” Logan raised his eyebrow at him, “Enlighten me?” Virgil knew Logan hated not knowing things, so he gladly explained, feeling somewhat superior that he knew more about this subject than he did.

“So you got this thing” Virgil held up a square box device, pressed a button and red light turned on “it’s an EMF meter, measures electromagnetic fields within a certain radius, also measures temperature” Logan nodded completely focused soaking in all of this information like sponge he chucked it back on the bed after explaining its usage and picked up another black box it looked like a portable radio “and this is a spirit box, it sends out radio signals at a certain frequency and could allow us to talk to a spirit if need be” he chucked it back on the bed “and this here” he said picking up a small black box with a lens in “is what we call a camera” he spoke in a condensing tone grinning as Logan looked at him like he was already done “I know what a camera is Virgil” both men laughed softly as a comfortable silence fell between them, Virgil started packing everything into a rucksack, zipping it shut he then eyed up Logan suspiciously “anyway why do you care what equipment we use? Thought you didn’t believe in this stuff?”

As if bought back to reality by social interaction rather than soaking in knowledge, Logan blinked and understood the question, he went back to his composed usual state, “I don’t, simply put it is scientifically impossible for any entities to exist in this world, in a 2000 study, a cognitive neuroscientist from laurentlan university in Canada used electromagnetic fields to stimulate the brain of a forty five year old man who’d reported previous spirits and with the magnetic fields, the researchers were able to conjure a similar apparitions that the man had seen years before” He finished looking rather pleased with himself as Virgil sighed.

“So, you just think that’s it, nothing happens after you die?” he asked sounding monotone.

“yes”

“That’s depressing.” Virgil muttered out loud mainly to himself, he could see that Logan looked somewhat hurt by this comment, and he quickly tried to correct it “that’s not- I mean- just I guess try to keep an open mind like I said before?” Logan nodded “if need be then I will concede if we actually find substantial evidence” now it was time for Virgil to nod as he smiled at his nerdy friend thinking how much he really did care for both of them.

As they pulled into the driveway of the abandoned place, the street lamps illuminated the outside of it, at night time it makes the house appear much more sinister, all three got out the car and looked up at the house, Virgil felt uneasy slightly knowing what had happened 10 years ago now…wow had it really been that long? He shook himself out of his nostalgic thoughts and turned his friends “okay let’s get in and set stuff up, Logan you’re on the camera, I’ll do sound stuff and Roman you…do whatever you do best” Roman grinned, as they walked up to the door.

Virgil pushed it and it slowly creaked open, the boys turned their flashlights on as they entered and Virgil swore it had looked worse than when he was first there, yeah 10 years does that to a place but this looked a lot messier, the narrow kitchen looked like a bomb had hit it as all the pots, pans and whatever had been left there was no sprawled all over the kitchen floor and the cupboard doors lay open bare.

“Welcome to creepsville boys” Roman whispered as they went further down the hallway three flashlights moved around the open living room, as the sofa and still broken coffee table from all those years ago, only now it appeared more broken like someone had hit it with a sledge hammer bits of it lay splintered on the ground “be careful guys” Virgil announced as he manoeuvred around the wooden splinters and lay his rucksack on the couch he pulled a few folded pieces of paper from the rucksack and handed Logan the go pro camera with a stick that it screwed onto to make it less shaky.

Virgil looked around the dark room flashing the light in all areas, squinting in the darkness he had an extremely uneasy feeling that he felt like a pair of eyes were watching them, it was unbearably silent his breath hitched as Roman put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly, this calmed him down a bit as he turned to Logan who looked ready enough wit the camera, he turned the sound on to record his voice, if they were filming here then they were going to need some kind of back story for the audience plus Roman and Logan needed to know what had happened before they started doing anything stupid…Roman mostly.

Virgil sat down on the couch as a bit of dust escaped it, he unfolded the paper and held it shakily in his hands looking up at the other two “time for a history lesson” he switched on the audio recorder and started reading to them from the paper.

“On November 2nd 1997 two friends moved into 494 skylar avenue, Thomas Sanders 29 and Patton Prairie 26, both men were described as very friendly and all around nice people by their peers, their neighbours described them as “very nice boys, they were always looking out for each other and everyone in the neighbourhood said how kind and caring they were they both always had a smile on ther face” soon after moving in though they described witnessing paranormal activity to their families, such as lights dimming, scratching on the walls and sometimes they said they heard what sounded like growling-“

“Like a lion?” Roman snorted as Virgil glared at him adjusting the paper in his hand.

“More like a demon” he retorted, Roman laughed as he looked around the place “Demahn, Demahn!” He called out and snickered, “Dude stop it! Virgil snapped but was clearly suppressing a half laugh at Roman’s antics, “Look let me just get on with this okay, just stop…antagonizing it” he sighed returning to the paper, Roman pushed his hands into his pockets suppressing a giggle.

“After one night, in particular, Patton had told his mother that he felt an eerie presence next to there bed so she called them in a medium in to exorcise whatever the presence was, it was performed and for a while everything seemed fine, until on the afternoon on November 2nd, 1998 exactly one year after the men had moved in, three men were found brutally murdered-“

“Three? I thought there were two” Logan inquired

“yeah alright I’m getting to that!” Virgil huffed at him.

“Thomas, Patton and a third person were found dead by a friend who said they were meant to be meeting them that day, Patton was found with multiple stab wounds in his body whilst Thomas was eerily found lying next to him, it was described “as if he was trying to hug him”, having nearly the exact same wounds as his friend.

Roman and Logan shifted uncomfortably at this piece of information and Roman glanced around the living room suspiciously.

“upstairs in the bedroom a third body was found, he would later be identified as a friend of theirs Dorian Bennett, family have said that they had a bit of a rocky friendship but they still cared for each other, Dorian had been seen by neighbours hanging out with the two men quite frequently before they had been killed-“

“He did it!” Roman assumed

“And how have you come to this conclusion?” Logan remarked

“C’mon it’s obvious! They had a rocky friendship, he was seen hanging out with a lot more before they died, maybe an argument happened or something and he killed them, then himself! There you go I solved it!”

Virgil glared at him “you didn’t solve anything because he was found with his neck snapped” Virgil smirked at him with a knowing stare that he had proven Roman wrong who had shut up giving him a pouty look, he shook his head and continued.

“although neighbours, friends, and family were questioned about there deaths, with no DNA found at the scene of the crime and no leads as to what happened, no one knows what went down within that houses’ walls but ever since people have described seeing a man wearing glasses appearing in the kitchen, there’s been male laughter heard as well as screams, growling and banging on the walls, one person even said they heard someone singing Disney songs-“

Roman let out a high pitch wheeze “I-I’m sorry…just- imagine walking into the kitchen and you just hear a far away echo rendition of let it go, I mean man those ghosts have good taste!” Roman declared, Virgil glared at him as he opened his mouth to continue he was interrupted again.

“Okay we get it!, enough we get the picture man, two friends, Demahn!” Roman snickered again at his pronunciation of the word demon, “and mysterious deaths, shall we get started with what you wanted to do?”

Virgil thinks for a moment before setting the papers down “okay, you guys ready?”

“As we’ll ever be” Logan replied as he pressed the recording button the small go pro camera, everything is silent for a moment before Virgil speaks.

“Is there anyone here with us right now?” He asks nervously slightly pulling his hoodie tighter around himself, he held his breath.

Nothing.

Suddenly Roman piped up loudly making Virgil jump “C’mon demahn! Do something! If you want to hurt us bang on the walls!”

“DUDE! What the fuck are you doing!?” Virgil yelled in fear as Roman and Logan (to Virgil’s surprise) suppressed a laugh, Virgil raised his eyebrows at him as Logan composed himself once more “I apologize, Virgil,, but Roman does have a humorous way of looking at his situation, and whilst I may be biased with the whole ‘non believer’ aspect I can still appreciate that the… demahn-“ Roman was now howling with laughter as Logan was trying to suppress his in order to not make the camera shake, “That’s the spirit, Logan!” Roman starting chortling again at his own pun, Virgil was now giving them both daggers “you’re both assholes” he declared “why did I even bring you here?” he asked himself as he rubbed his face in annoyance, exhaling a large breath, both of the men’s laughter was suddenly cut short as multiple loud bangs on the wall echoed throughout the house, it was so loud that, Virgil jumped and shuffled backwards closer to the other two and Roman let out a dramatic scream, whilst Logan on the other hand remained calm and collected “now you’ve done it” Virgil whispered towards the other two, “what did I tell you, don’t fuck with a demon!” he snapped at both of them “it was probably the wind, this house is very old therefore it will be in need of repair work” Logan replied coolly.

“wind is not that strong dude, and there’s no sign of a hurricane hitting here anytime soon!” Virgil hissed at him under his breath whilst trying to calm himself.

Subtle footsteps were heard from the kitchen as Virgil flicked his flashlight to where the sound was coming from, he grabbed Roman’s hand subconsciously as he breathed in and held for seven seconds before exhaling for eight, “you got that on film, right?” Virgil checked with Logan and he nodded, Virgil gestured to Roman with his arm pointing at something, but roman couldn’t understand what he was trying to say Virgil continued nodding “grab the fucking spirit box thing!”.

“Oh!” once Roman understood he ran over to the bag laying on the couch, took out the spirit box and handed it to Virgil who shakily turned it on, a loud static noise rang through the house as Roman covered his ears and all three of them winced at the sound cutting through the air “Oh Jesus Christ! Does it have to be that loud!” Roman whined over the noise as Virgil nodded as he looked around the room with his flashlight he bravely stepped forward and addressed the room “if there are any spirits with us tonight then please make yourself known, we’re sorry about what happened to you”

“i-cant-“ two syllables of a male voice seemed to cut through the static, Virgil looked to the other two who didn’t seem convinced “did you just-“ Roman shook his head “all I heard was gibberish that could be any radio channel” Virgil sighed exasperatedly at his friends scepticism as he changed the knob on the radio to a more easier channel to hear.

“Okay, is there anyone here? We have this box and you can talk to us through it”

Static.

Virgil sighed and ran a hand through his hair when another voice broke through the static

“Hello” all three men looked at each other in horror and it was clear that they had all heard the exact same thing, Roman and Logan moved closer to Virgil and listened intently to the box.

“Ca-Can you tell us your name?” Virgil asked it

The static on the box didn’t seem to change for a minute, they all glanced at each other holding their breaths until a distinct voice on the box echoed through the house.

“Thomas”

HOOO BOI! XD sorry for that cliffhanger folks! Hope you all liked the chapter though! chapter 3 should be soon! ^^

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fadeoftheinternet · 7 years

Text

Fall Out Boy Mania, 1 Listen Review

Guys, I’m not gonna lie, I was a little worried about Fall Out Boy after Champion came out last year. I didn’t think the album was sounding as good as it could be. When they announced it was being pushed back to make a better product, it was as though my heart could beat again. I’ve heard the singles and was a little bummed when the album was only 10 songs. That’s short and to the point without a lot of room for error. So how did they do?

Below is my Mania 1 listen Review!

Young and Menace. I understand why it’s so divisive in the fanbase, but I freaking LOVE THIS SONG. It’s a jam. Patrick Stump definitely is beginning the album with the same opening pomp as the last two fall out boy offerings. As an opener, it makes total sense. The placement gives you the feeling that this album is going to be a journey. For a song that’s nearly a year old, it sounds fresh. It’s not dated even though it probably should be. The Patrifications during the last minute of the song sound even better with the context that this is a palette cleansing album while also giving you vintage fall out boy. Plus, I love Andy’s drums!

Next up is Champion. Now, those of you who heard my first reaction know that I wasn’t a really big fan of Champion when it first came out. I felt like it was an easy ESPN pick up. I understand it’s place. It sounds natural coming after YAM. It keeps the energy. I still love the champion for the people who don’t believe in champions line. I can’t listen to the song without imagining it being retroactively added to a Rocky montage. Sylvester Stallone, this is the Balboa anthem you’ve been waiting for. For all you gym junkies and those that are just trying to reach 30 steps without breaking into a sweat, Champion is for you

Third song and first non single. Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea. Now that’s a title. I was like, am I missing something? Is this like a Sugar Honey Iced Tea situation? I was like SFRMT doesn’t mean anything. Oh well, lemme listen to the song. WHOA!!! I wasn’t ready for that intro. Holy crap. Early favorite. The vocals sound like Brendon Urie was in the studio and Patrick was trying to show him who’s boss. ARE YOU SMELLIN THE ——. Okay this chorus meant to be screamed by fresh faced teenagers who still believe in emo. “ALL MY CHILDHOOD HEROES HAVE FALLEN OFF OR DIED!” GFD PETE YOU KILLT EM THAT’S A DISS TRACK. This nigga Pat is singing in French. oh shoot. This song feels like, OH SHOOT BREAKDOWN, it feels like what I imagine elevator music on Planet Cybertron sounds like. Man, don’t let Michael Bay hear this song or it’ll be in the next ill fated Transformers movie. Dang, freaking jam.

Hold Me Tight or Don’t. OK. By far my favorite of the music videos released. Oh wait, Wilson is dope AF though. I like the bounce to this album. Initial reactions are I was right about this album sounding like Infinity on High mixed with ABAP. OF YOUUUUUU OF YOUUUUU. Dang, thats a freaking chorus. I imagine white girls everywhere singing to their friends, heads bobbing side to side, “Hold me tight….or don’t.” Yeah this song feels like the one that made the label believe again. BUT WE ALWAYS BELIEVED BECAUSE BELIEVERS NEVER DIE! Dang I took too many hits off this memory is a bar. Pete you haven’t lost your pen game. Nigga out here penning Drake songs nowadays. This song is anthemic. These dudes just know how to craft a sing a long. PATRICK IS THERE NO NOTE OUTSIDE OF YOUR RANGE GFD DUDE. Andy, you are a star with the drums, but let me not sleep on Joe’s guitar work. This song has you singing the chorus before you’re even done with the first listen. Definition of an ear worm. I imagine this is going to be a bonus song on Pixar’s Coco

Halfway through and FOB drops my favorite of the pre album singles. This song makes me feel like I’m driving in Las Vegas with college friends and making memories we’ll look back on. Dang. Windows are definitely down. That bass. Pete’s not just a writer, he’s got the groove on this song. CAUSE YOU’RE THE LAST OF A DYING BREED I WONDER IF YOUR THERAPIST KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. Oh man, is this a love song in the most FOB kind of way? Don’t let anyone tell them they don’t use real instruments anymore. I am a collapsing star with tunnel vision, but only for you. What does that even mean? No one knows what it means but it’s provocative. Patrick, you can’t expect to be singing all of these live right? Like your voice will be shot. That guitar riff has me like, “nananananaaaaa” The bridges on this album have me like, “ooh issa bop.” I can’t even sing a long to fall out boy songs anymore. I just gotta shut up and hear Pat wail.

Wilson. Okay, have ya’ll seen the video? It’s great. such a meme. now honestly, i hate the way that this song begins. I just hate the vocal melody. But after the second talkin about i’m all in. This song was meant to be put in a California Hot Topic, you know the kind where it’s all emo but everyone is West Coast beautiful? That darker color line is going to be some angsty teen’s senior quote. Do people still need to find someone to teach them how to Dougie? Because this song has that level of groove to it. It’s the same type of style as like an America’s Suitehearts, in the sense of a dense chorus with a great rock to it. Man, after this album, i gotta say, it might be time to bust out the black eyeliner again. Man, i gotta find my skiniest jeans and shrink them again. This album, upon the first 6 songs, is better than ABAP. Wow. HITS. And then the ending is gorgeous

Church. TAKE ME TO CHURCH MAKE ME CATCH THAT HOLY GHOST. They got the organs. Ooh is this a love song? WHOA OKAY PAT. Okay, this song is big but probably my least favorite of the ones so far, however that may be due to the familiarity i have with the previous 6. Just not a lot of lyrical change. But this is Patrick pushing his voice to it’s limits. Okay the second half isbetter OH MY FREAKING GOSH THE INSTURMENTS JUST WENT OUT AND PATRICK SNAPPED AND SINGLE HANDEDLY SAVED THIS SONG I WILL COME BACK TO THIS SONG WOW. PATRIFICATION CONFIRMED THE FALL OUT BOY MACHINE AIN’T BROKE IF YOU WERE CHURCH I’D GET ON MY KNEES CONFIRMED

Heaven’s Gate? Hmm….they must have ran into some of them LDS missionaries. Ooh we got ourselves a what a catch slow jams patrick soul song. have ya’ll seen the meme of the woman jammin? imagine Leslie Knope jamming at a black church. That describes how i feel about this song. This song could have been on the end of a SUPER strong episode of One Tree Hill. Like it’s a coda where a bunch of stuff happens. I like the guitar pan to the right ear. It’s good. I’m not really sure what pat is singing, but I am enjoying it. Patrick sings like a baptist confirmed. PATRICK WHAT DO YOU NEED LET ME GIVE YOU THE BOOST. Oh man, is this a choir coming??? Oh yes, ya’ll are going to be listening to Heaven’s Gate for a while. This is the one that is gonna get you through hard days in the future. This is a song to save someone’s life.

Sunshine Riptide (feat. Burna Boy). Rap feature? Maybe? Lol the opening line made me laugh. Nigga hit a missy elliot. you’ll get it. There’s a lot of things going on auditory wise. Okay, this song was made during the same time as Hold Me Tight or Don’t. Actually it also gives me the same vibes as Champion too? Whoa, it’s a rasta feature. Oh man, YA’LL NEED TO GET CHANCE THE RAPPER ON THE REMIX GOOD GOD THAT FEATURE JUST PUT ME IN THAT MOOD I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THAT OH SHOOT, THESE NIGGAS TRY BE FALL OUT THE BOYS. I’m a fan of this one. Ya’ll tryna get a nigga to find his XD emoticons and band tees for the last warped tour. Too bad all the singles have been released because this song feels like it’s begging to be put on a CW show like 90210 or Arrow trailer. HIT.

Bishops Knife Trick. Okay Fetzer, what you got for us? It’s the final song and I feel like I’ve been on a nonstop ride the whole time. Soulful pat? Wasn’t ready for it. It’s also the longest song on the album, clocking in at 4:23. This song sounds like, I can’t believe I’m gonna say what i’m gonna say, it sounds like the album that would have been made in between IOH and SRAR if the others didn’t exist. It’s like both. You won’t get it until you hear it. This is a thoughtful song. I need to listen to the album again with the lyrics so i can appreciate this song more. Patrick’s voice is an instrument. He’s not a singer in the conventional sense. Sometimes his words don’t sound like words. Dang, don’t let this album end. Don’t let it end. Don’t let it end. The last song flows into Young and Menace. Wow, ya’ll did you fast. Fall out boy, is the knife trick ya’ll revitalizing your sound and your fanbase? Because you most certainly have.

8/10 album. Church was the weakest song on the album, Heaven’s gate was the most meaningful and arguably the strongest

#fall out boy #mania #album review #m a n i a #FOB #believers never die #young and menace #champion #stay frosty royal milk tea #hold me tight or don't #the last of the real ones #wilson #expensive mistakes #church #heaven's gate #sunshine riptide #bishops knife trick

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allbeendonebefore · 7 years

Note

What are your favourite head/canon things about Alberta

[cracks knuckles] [stretches fingers]

so i’ll just start with a disclaimer - i use sherry’s/iamp/whatever alberta and i realize ive been getting a lot of followers who are part of rp groups and whatever or people who might be interested in adding some depth to their own ocs so feel free to like… think about these things if you want if you’re thinking of doing an alberta oc?? I guess

so since that mysterious slash implies what are my fave canonical things about AB too I’ll say that there isn’t much- I go with what sherry says on canon rather than IAMP and PC because while there are a lot of things I had influence over in both projos there are a lot of things I would have done differently so we’ll start with the bio

Canon Stuff

literally all the things are accurate sooo its hard lol. Obviously the political situation has changed and the economic situation is its usual rollercoaster (WELL… but thats another time). I gotta say that the ‘alberta beef is the best thing that’s ever happened to me’ is really hitting home right now because i didnt realize how SPOILED i was by AAA beef until I got to Ontario ToT (ngl the pork here is super good and saves me money but the BEEF aAAA)

also my edmonton bias shines through at ‘he hates a part of himself called calgary’ thats by far my second fave B)))

Headcanon Stuff

ok where to start I will try to not make this an essay and i can elaborate more if you’re curious

- a lot of people will wonder about whether a province lives in the capital or the biggest city etc. and I have to say in Bertie’s case it is NEITHER. He’d never willingly live in (d)E(a)dmonton (sorry ed ilu) because Ed represents Government which he Hates and while he would spend a fair bit of time in Calgary he gets claustrophobic/exhausted - he still in my mind represents more of the rural bits of the province than the cities. I think he might move around a little, but he probably lives on a ranch between both cities but within sight of the mountains. I’m sure he has a place to stay in each city, but he’s a country boy at heart and appreciates his space, peace and quiet.

- Particularly space because Where else is he going to keep his 3 trucks + 2 ATVs + horses + 100000 cows + boat + canoe + kayak + all his camping junk + motorbikes + dirtbikes + tractor + other junk that people leave at his place

- that said his ‘birthplace’ is the southern ‘half’ of the province so he tends to kind of hover around there more- as i said he owns a ranch rather than a farm because the Quality Ranch Land is in the south and the Good Farm Land is in the north (and being eaten up by ugly houses ugh)

- still I think he spends a fair amount of time working up north in the Fort Mac area because Why Not make All the money. Even if you’re a rancher boy in the middle of nowhere, everyone in this province has ties to the oil industry one way or another. It wouldn’t make sense for him NOT to work in Oil and Gas because it’s literally the only job in the province lmao.

- His driving playlist consists of: Dean Brody, Corb Lund, Keith Urban, Ian Tyson, and the obligatory Nickelback which he listens to Un-ironically but also to piss off/drown out passengers when they’re annoying him

- He’s easily annoyed. By Everything. And Everyone. He’s the current national scapegoat and he takes it Extremely Personally depending on the context but also he has a relatively affectionate relationship with everyone and usually expresses his affection by pointed jabs.

- like he literally gets along with everyone on a personal level and not just because he buys them drinks- his worst relationships are probably with BC and Ontario and that’s just because he lives to irritate them and they respond with an appropriate amount of salt. He still doesnt mind hanging out with them and bc/ab/on/qc is an unstoppable team. He just gets extremely sensitive when anyone asks to borrow money from him and will give you an earful of ‘i work SO HARD for this money to put FOOD on YOUR TaBLe’

- generally really tight fisted with money………. only when other people are looking. he makes a big deal about how little he spends on essential services and you just look at him like ‘so you’re saying you have the money to get all this crap for this rodeo coming up but you dont have the money to take yourself to the hospital after’ and hes like [coughs up blood anime style] ‘im ok i have whiskey and benadryl at home’ [adjusts his diamond studded hat]

- really big on loyalty and straightforward conversations and has NO patience for any hypocrisy or doublespeak no matter how small. The slightest of things can send him reeling with Betrayal. Also this makes him either tight lipped or TMI, there is no in between.

- like literally reeling he’s very top heavy and you could blow him over with a sneeze, he’s all bark and only some bite. When he’s good he’s Real Good but when he’s bad he’s like a foot in the grave bad

- he’s the baby of the prairie bros but also the one with the brains- and i don’t mean in an academic sense i mean in the ‘so crazy it just might work’ sense.

- literally he’s an idiot he doesnt understand how equalization payments work no matter how many times you explain it to him. He doesn’t understand a lot of things re: the economy but he never shuts up about them.

- the easiest way to piss him off is to threaten his autonomy in any way, he will stop whatever he’s doing to put a boot up yer ass if you Dare suggest something like ‘why don’t you let ontario/canada take care of that for you’ even if he knows the way he’s doing something is garbage he will go out of his way to keep doing it because its ‘my way or the highway’.

- ‘why do you have all those guns’ ‘oh you know hunting deer and stuff’ [really its because he’s terrified a rat is going to sneak into his barn or something] [but he does actually hunt] [and he’s the type of guy to have the ‘trespassers will be shot’ signs]

- I haven’t figured out WHAT truck he drives yet but i am PROUD OF HIM for no longer putting truck nuts on it, THANK GOD that went out of fashion. (That said he does not have the stacks- his truck is lifted and Shiny and also has a handful of Alberta Strong decals/stickers.) Newf probably gave him a sticker of “The Rock” or a nfld flag and he Loves it. On a scale of most to least obnoxious trucks its Mac - Bert - Cal - Ed. It’s probably a white truck.

- i should think about things he loves more, this headcanon list is mostly things that make him angry oops xDD he loves animals a lot, and not just to eat i swear. The bigger and the more horns the better.

- he really loves driving a lot, it’s like a big part of his independence factor. I think sometimes he will just drive aimlessly late at night/early morning when it’s not busy and just go and find somewhere to look at the sky.

- he looooves digging up fossils in his spare time, or just interesting rocks in general. If you say the words animatronic dinosaur he is ALREADY THERE

- he watches a lot of sci fi and really loves star trek. So Much. he’s totally attempted mowing crop circles in his lawn/fields probably multiple times. he’s still waiting for the ufos to come land. Also has a thing for spooky places and cryptids and those weird inexplicable twilight-zone like events that only happen on road trips. did i mention the Giant Roadside Attractions.

- he has this persona of being a traditional/small-and-big-c conservative but he’s actually really into innovation and trying new things, meeting new people, etc. He interacts with so many different people lately that he’s trying to take the time to really re-evaluate himself and move away from the Klein-era “Severely Normal People” image because it doesn’t reflect him. The issue is he’s more likely to vote on economy rather than social issues so his actual progressiveness gets hidden by lack of political representation (and lets be honest he has Always hated politics). He’s got a lot of crap to sort through but he catches people who underestimate him off guard.

- was probably raised methodist/protestant/whatever but is mostly pretty secular, but he has some definite strong holdovers that make him uncomfortable about certain subjects and his first reaction to being uncomfortable is always anger.

- completely oblivious to being hit on or something or really gay situations around him but is that type of person who is like [cant walk too close to another dude because what if it looks gay bro].

- his fave cow is named buttercup

- he has definitely woken up after a night out with friends naked and alone duct taped to an air mattress and floating in the middle of a lake. true story.

- he will macgyver his way out of any situation. doesn’t mind getting down and dirty in the mud when it’s necessary. exactly the type of person to shove his hands in bitumen and squish it around or to pick up a rock and lick it or to shove a thermometer up a cow. When he gets squeamish he does his best to be bullheaded and pretend like Nothing is Wrong until he faints.

- his french is crap but he Tries- the french he knows is backwater northern AB french which he’s too shy to bring up so he feigns ignorance. His german is good and his ukrainian is passable, his spanish is fine, he’s trying to get the hang of some other languages but doesn’t tell anyone he’s practicing because he hates getting made fun of xD

- the hat and boots are Absolutely to make him look taller than he actually is. He doesn’t wear inserts but he does make sure the sole/heel on any boot he buys is Thick. Smol insecure man with a Big hat. Will spend 300 bucks on shoes, but he actually does ride/work so its an investment for him.

- heads to Arizona/Mexico in the winter when he’s not working, otherwise Banff/Jasper are his ‘budget’ vacations lol.

i love this stupid province pls ask if you have any more questions because i love to talk and i feel like i’ve said too much already lol

#pc: alberta #hapo rambles #projectcanada #iamp: alberta #iamp #iammatthewian #Anonymous #pc headcanon

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frenchy-and-the-sea · 7 years

Note

also what are Val's favourite and least favourite things about each of the people she's been hanging out with lately? 0:)

God, you gotta make this hard, don’t you? XD This got a little long so I’m gonna put it under a cut.

Sarula

It’s odd to say since it’s sort of part of her profession, but Val’s favorite thing about Sarula is her faith. Like, she’s a cleric, right? They’re SUPPOSED to have a working relationship with their god, that’s what they DO. That Sarula has a strong connection with Milil should not be particularly surprising, but it’s also not something Val has ever experienced before? And the fact that it is faith and force of will alone that allows Sarula to do things like literally close wounds is something that Val finds particularly admirable. She likes passion in people, and Sarula has a lot.

She doesn’t love that Sarula tends to get flustered so easily, but that’s so minor of a thing that I don’t even see it really bothering her all that terribly much. I don’t think it happens quite enough to be a real annoyance, lmao.

Ianry

Val really loves that Ianry tries so, so, so hard to be a good person, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard. I don’t think I’ve ever really hashed it out in my brain before, but I’ll bet Val sees a little of her own struggle to maintain herself in the face of frustration in Ianry, and probably sympathizes when he has a hard time of it. I imagine she considers the effort that he puts in to just wanting to help people to be worth a hell of a lot.

But if he could curb his ‘end justifies the means’ mentality a little, especially in regards to the safety of his party when he starts flinging fireballs, it would put Val MUCH MORE at ease, lmao.

Amon

Let’s be honest, there is a LOT about Amon that Val loves. Maybe some of it is that homegrown kinship thing that happens around tieflings that actually get along, but her favorite thing, bar none, is that Amon actually really gives a shit. Like yeah, he can be a little chaotic and he suggested cutting that dude’s tongue out once, but he’s also the one who, have knowing Ianry for approximately a day total, told the things attacking him to ‘get the fuck away from his friends’. He coaxed both twins out of their stupors in the astral plane by way of being genuinely concerned about them, he made it a point to pull Val aside and ask if she was cool after the fight on the beach, he constantly checks in with the party. That sort of emotional maintenance is hard to do, but he does it almost without thinking and Val admires that more than I think she’d find herself able to put into words.

The caveat to that is that Amon is also reckless and brash and full of bravado, and while his recklessness tends to fall only within the purview of him, it still gives Val fits to know that he’s just gonna put himself into danger without waiting for back up. Especially when SHE’S the back up. (She knows he can take care of himself, she knows this, but protection is what she does and it frustrates her to no end that she just can’t sometimes.)

Tara

Val likes that Tara maintains a sense of humor, and a chill that the group desperately relies on. Usually, sailors and soldiers get one like oil and water, but Tara has done nothing but prove herself willing to go into a fight with the rest of them and share the load. I’m sure this’ll expand some the longer they’re in a group together, lmao.

I dunno if Val has known her long enough to have anything she truly dislikes, but I think her being dodgy about certain subjects regarding her past makes Val a little uneasy. I don’t think it’s enough to keep her from liking Tara, cause everyone’s got secrets, but….it is becoming more and more imperative that any threat to the group be known so we can prepare for it, and I wonder if that won’t start to bother Val a little bit.

Rona

The big one is that Rona has an enthusiasm for life that Val finds incredibly attractive. Not necessarily in the romantic sense, (although that could definitely be argued) but in the sense of ‘this person loves to be alive, and wants to experience the world as much as possible and I find that to be an incredibly endearing trait.’ Enthusiasm for being a force of good or safety or happiness in the world will literally ALWAYS win Val’s affection.

The only thing I can see being an issue with them, though, is that Rona’s enthusiasm for, say, a potent dislike of someone, would probably wear Val out. Especially if she were caught in the middle. Like don’t get me wrong, Val is 100% an emotional person too. But I think her less than stellar self image means she tends to forgive people and situations more quickly than she probably should? And Rona seems like she’d hang up on that, and it’d probably end up with them having an argument about it. (An argument born of concern, of course, which means it’d clear up fairly easily.

#oc crap #frenchy replies #pile of idiots #d&d shenanigans #valtish #trying to figure out what val DOESN'T love about her friends is a lot harder than expected

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lupienne · 7 years

Text

#169 Ramblings

As usual, these ramblings might be all over the place and stupid as hell! I’ll put any speculations/what ifs/and shit in italics.

This was one of those 'seeding the crops' issues we often get at the start of a new volume. Not a lot really happens, but a shit-ton of seeds are planted in a very unruly garden and who knows what's gonna pop out of the ground in the coming months.

Ok, the cover is Dwight holding a gun to Rick's head, which ties in to issue at least word-wise.

Carl kneels at Andrea's grave. Lydia comes up, and Carl confesses how he killed Ben because no one else would, and he obviously still feels guilty about it because he cries. Although, the story ties in to Andrea; turns out Carl did confess to her after all, and when she still loved and accepted him... as a parent would... he started to call her mom. I can't remember if he called her mom before AOW, so maybe he fessed up after? Lydia says nothing, just lets him get his feelings out.

I still adore Lydia, there's something sweet and pure about her even though fucking assholes in her life traumatized and defiled her.

I do think this scene could have been condensed just a tad, because honestly, I'm kind of annoyed we still haven't seen Carl talk to Negan!! Not even a fucking glance or acknowledgment! Shit, he didn't even say anything to Rick about it! I mean, for three years, Carl snuck down on some kind of semi-regular basis to chat with Negan, so this totally blowing off of his thoughts on Negan's freedom/part in the war/etc... it's aggravating!

Ok, Rick struts his shit around Alexandria. Not really. I noticed he hasn't gotten a new cane yet. I thought he needed that thing to walk but maybe he's just doing some limpy-shuffle thing. Anyhoo, Maggie approaches him and she just can't stay quiet about that big leather-clad lug that's wandering the streets. Keeping her up at night! Thinking about how fine he is – er... or not.

Blah, blah, Maggie demands to know why Negan is free. Rick is like... I killed husbands and wives too... Maggie gets pissed.

Now this kind of makes me mad. Unless this is just a condensed version of the conversation, Rick doesn't mention Negan saved him. Doesn't mention how Negan fought on the front lines, or worked with him to thin the herd... I don't even think Maggie knows Negan killed Alpha. Like, so does Maggie just think Rick let out Negan and was like 'sic' em!' and pointed towards the walkers? Or let him out when the Saviors were at the door?

Look, I'm very over-protective of my Negan. But I know this situation is so sticky. Maggie can't just get over watching her husband get murdered or hate the one who did it. I get it. But at the same time, TWD is like some wild West world where you gotta sometimes kill, gotta be brutal, where nobody really is 'innocent' or can show bloodless hands. Even fucking Carl killed a kid, when he was only like nine years old. Rick and his group carved up and tortured the cannibals. They killed the Saviors on the road when they didn't have to. Just like Rick said 'I'm not excusing what he (Negan) did.) 'But I don't really see what makes me so different.'

I know anti-Negan people won't agree, but Negan didn't kill Glenn just for some sick thrill (the TV version...well don't get me started on that POS. LOL!) He was in charge of two major communities who helped supply and keep his people alive, and if those groups lost respect (aka fear) of him and saw he was letting some other group kill his men and steamroll over him... well... Negan's group might suffer then. Maybe the other groups would roll in and slaughter his people, fight back viciously or refuse to supply. To him maintaining a presence and status quo (aka killing Glenn (or anyone)) from the uppity new group was a MUST. It HAD to happen in his mind... for the survival of HIS people.

I don't think for a second Rick wouldn't take out some enemy and maybe even in a very brutal fashion, if he thought doing that kept his group from starving/being overrun/etc.

Anyhoo, of course, none of that matters to Maggie. XD She just wants to bathe herself in some sweet Savior blood. Or should I say ex-Savior. (Does that make him an antichrist? LOL!)

Rick says he can't kill Negan and locking him up seems unfair. Like once again, does Maggie know all the stuff Negan did to help the community? Rick says he has a deal and Negan will be leaving soon.

'That's really... kind... of you.' Maggie says with a pissy frown. And I know what's she thinking: you can't kill him... but I can.

Ok, the Euge and his secret phone sex line. Stephanie who didn't turn out to be Sherry like I thought. Hahahha. Just as Euge is about to blow his load to Steph's sultry moans, there is a knock on the door. Rick and Siddiq have come to cock-block.

Or rather, Rick claims the phone sex line as his own as he grabs the mic (?) and talks to Steph. They arrange to meet somewhere close to Steph's place. Eugene insists on going. The poor guy probably wants to get away after Andrea and Rosita's deaths :(

Rick does his limp-shuffle around looking for some scouts, specifically Jesus. He sees Dwight (aka little bitchy mcbitch) toiling away. “You just keep buzzing, busy bee. Make everyone think you're holding the place together..when really you're just making sure you get credit.' Like really, Dwight? Like you held the Saviors together, you fucking little runaway crybaby?

Rick: Bitch, I'll see you later, make sure you bring your fucking binkie.

Ok, a scene where Carl says he wants to go with Maggie. This is another scene that could have been cut... because Carl later tells Rick he wants to leave. I would've preferred this scene get cut and add one in of Carl talking to/mentioning... anything... about Negan!

Rick tries to recruit Jesus. Jesus doesn't want to leave, because he's got someone special worth staying for. Awwwww Aaron and Jesus have finally gone a step further than shy little smiles hahaha. :D Damn, I hope Kirkman doesn't break these two up (ie: kill one) because Jesus sure could use someone to relate to other than Maggie, and poor Aaron needs someone too.

Heh, Jesus's bashful little rub to the back of his neck was adorable.

BAM suddenly it’s the dark of night. Dwight is waiting on a porch for his Ricky-poo.

Rick is like 'dude, go on a mission for me.'

Dwight's like' Fuck no, motherfucker, I'm the Queen Bee around here.'

Dwight pulls some serious shit. 'Your time is DONE, Rick.'

Rick: 'ummm dude, you didn't even want to lead the Saviors but you want to take over here? Why, because my town is prettier than yours?' Lol

Dwight (in what is probably a whiny tone): Well the Saviors were a boiling pot of RAGE and I didn't want to be around that! WAH!' Guess what, Dwight, as their leader maybe you should have done something to diffuse that fucking rage! Not just walked away! Honestly, as this point I think Dwight is an insecure twat who likes to play victim. Time after time he makes up fucking woe-is-me bullshit.(I might have to write a detailed article on this... LOL)

I'll give him this – he does have some right to be angry over Sherry. I mean, he did love her, she was alone with Rick, then she died. LOL (She sure didn't' seem to return his love when she had John beating his ass. Hahaha. )

So Dwight says Rick does stuff impulsive and thinks everything he does is right because well... he's Rick. And of course if Rick does something, then it MUST be the right thing to do. He accuses Rick of escalating the situation with the Saviors (which Rick didn't do. I mean, yeah, killing Sherry wasn't exactly planned. But what was he gonna do about it? Lie and say she stepped out of town for a few decades?)

He whines about how Rick let Negan talk the Saviors down when Negan is sooo untrustworthy. Bitch, Negan is more trustworthy than your punk ass. Rick takes offense to Dwight talking trash about his Neegsy-poo. As Dwight (in a Negan-esque manner) talks about how 'reasonable' he is to talk in private instead of with his militia and their guns, Rick basically says 'stuff it up your hole' and turns to leave.

Dwight can't believe it! Rick has a lot on his place and doesn't have time to change Dwight's dirty diapers. He leaves but not without delivering some epic shit:

FUCK YESSSSS

Dwight is left sitting on the chair with his fists clenched like an angry toddler.

I had a thought that maybe Dwight lied about the Iron. Like, maybe he didn't get it just because he 'cheated' with Sherry on Negan. Maybe back then, Negan wasn't so egomanical and Dwight did something shitty, like threatening or beating Sherry, or trying to lead a mutiny, or stealing... or anything. Like, by the time Negan Ironed Mark, he was clearly on top of the world's tallest horse.

A little Michonne and Rick scene. She's going on the mission along with Yumiko, Magna, Siddiq and Eugene. (I wonder if Negan will join them on the road. LOL I bet Michonne would just LOVE his humor. Hahaha.) Magna could def use some more development, hell, I guess all of them can.

Michonne goes, Carl comes and reiterates what he told Maggie about moving to the Hilltop, but this scene is much better. :) I wonder if this will be the last time they see each other. :( It seemed like there was a lot of Rick death foreshadowing! Maybe a little too heavy handed. After all, Michonne is out on the road now... and she mentioned William is leading the Kingdom. So she’s just a rogue character floating around out there...

YAY finally some Negan. WOOOHOO.

The first time in the issue I laughed. Negan goes on about how much he loves pork and beans. Loves them so much he wants to die in puddles of his own pork-and-bean vomit and shit apparently, with beans oozing out of his ears and stuff. What a strange person.

I like this pic of Negan but upon second glance I noticed his eyes are kind of wonky hahaha. Must be sloppy inking. Or maybe Negan is just going fucking cross-eyed from all the canned meat goodness. Like he can't even see straight anymore, his dick is so fucking hard.

I honestly think Negan is trying to get a laugh, a smile, any kind of positive reaction out of Dwight. SourPuss ain't having any of this. Even when Negan thanks him, there's no reaction other than GTFO.

Negan says he might head towards the neighborhood he buried Lucille (my girl). 'Want to be close to her.' Awwwww.

Dwight just shuts that sentimental shit down and tells Negan to leave.

I think it would be cool if Negan went to the hospital where he left the real Lucille and gave her a real burial. He could find her bones, bring her to some place they really liked (like the park where she fed the pigeons) and bury her.

So, Neegs, armed with a rifle and a knife, and with a backpack of food and his trusty coat, leaves the gates of Alexandria. The ungrateful fucks of the town give no notice. Like I can see why Negan is sour. This fucker risked his life multiple times and gets no credit, and now he's exiled. I guess he got what he fought for – his own freedom.

Maggie's caravan comes through next. 'Take care of Rick for me,' she tells Dwight. Dwight has this weird look on his face. Like a guilty look.

I'm wondering if Maggie's 'take care of him' has like a double meaning. Like... 'take care of my cheating husband with some arsenic in his coffee' kind of double meaning)

Something that grinds my gears is this: Maggie talking so friendly to Dwight. Dwight KILLED Abraham. I don't remember how close Maggie was to him but he was a member of her group, and now she's smiling and talking friendly to the dude who fucking shot a bolt through his face? This just irritates me, because if Rosita and Holly were still alive, they wouldn't be so cool with Dwight. They would hate him, hate him the same way Maggie hates Negan – because he took away their loved one.

Why does Dwight get a free pass? I don't buy this BS that Negan told him to kill Abe. Negan wasn't there. Negan sent Dwight out as a team leader. Which means Dwight made the decisions, and he CHOSE to kill Abe. He could have just captured Abe and Eugene and held them hostage. Instead of killing one. Even just injuring Abe.

‘THEY’RE CALLED BOLTS...’

Michonne tempts fate by saying the radio group can't be any worse than other shit they faced. Maggie is aghast at that. Heh. From the looks of that crazy 'Princess' chick they’re gonna meet... who knows...

The radio group gallops off. Last two panels. Maggie looks over at Dante.

'If you hurry, you can catch up to Negan. I want you to follow him, see where he settles down. I won't lose track of that monster.'

DUN DUN DUNnnnnn.

(I can see lots of stuff:

Maggie captures Negan, puts him somewhere private, and tortures him. Nobody knows....(NOOO)

Maggie has him captured and executes him. Probably Gregory style. (NOOOO)

Negan charms Dante and they become best buddies. (YES)

Maggie goes out to confront Negan and it turns into angry hate sex. (AHHAAAAA)

Dante must have to report back to her. They dont' have cell phones. LOL So when he does, maybe Carl will overhear. Or Carl will see them bringing Negan in (if that happens) I can't believe there isn't going to be ANY Carl/Negan interaction. Like, why even show they had a 'friendship' if it doesn't account for anything? Or perhaps Lydia will hear and tell Carl... like maybe he mentioned Negan once, or she just tells him in general: 'I heard Maggie talking about how she was going to kill some guy named Negan? Do you know who that is?”

Honestly, Dante should just be like 'No.' Like... 'you never put out, Maggie. Why should I risk my life tracking down some fucking con who was in prison for killing people?' LOL

Anyway, I'll skip Letter Hacks except for a little worrisome tidbit where Kirkman said 'I'm quite fond of Negan myself....'

Like shiiit. He was also 'fond' of Andrea....

Ok, that's it... I feel like I'm missing something but whatever. SHUT THE FUCK UP LUP

#twd comic spoilers #169 #comicnegan>#twd comics #Lup's ramblings

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cutegirlmayra · 8 years

Note

17. Knuckles and Rouge cause ya gettin lots of sonamy rn xD

I have been gettin’ a lot, thank you :) I don’t exactly mind… but it’s nice to have a change xD

prompt:

Taking off down the route, Tails’s voice sounded over the communicator over the new location of another metallic treasure they needed to activate the counter-attack on Metal Sonic’s new form.

With these extremely hard metals being the only thing able to penetrate his defenses… not to mention the metals are Metal Sonic’s new form’s weakness, then maybe they stand a chance!

Teaming up with Rouge, Knuckles takes off down to the muddy cave, within the marshlands of the island nearest to the floating Angel Island.

“A marshland? In the middle of the ocean?” Rouge looked around as she landed softly to the squishy ground. “Ugh, yuck.” she kicked her leg out, not liking how her shoes were getting ruined.

Knuckles digged through the sludge, before realizing his knuckles were useless here.

He grew anger, and smashed his fists down, only spraying up more mud.

“You’d think they bury this thing someone nicer…” she turned around to see the massive whole spraying up dirt, and moved slightly over to it, leaning down.

“You sure don’t sound happy. Need some help~?” she lowered her eyelids, smiling before he looked up, glaring.

“I never said I needed a partner, bat girl!” he turned his head back down, closing his eyes and having an anger mark pulse on his head, before hitting the mud again.

“Grah!.. it’s not use…” he sweat drop, pulling his arm back. “The more I hit, or even dig deeper… the mud just slushes back down…”

“Slushes? Heh, what a word.” She rolled her eyes, and smirked. “If you come out of there, maybe I can drill through it. After all, I’m quite the handy girl.” she winked, leaning one leg out and putting her hand up to her chin, as if examining the situation, but also looking good as she did so.

“Heh. Did you even hear what I said?” Knuckles looked back up to her, but was smiling.

“Oh yes. No partners. I heard loud and clear.” she fanned out her hands before putting them up to her ears, then glared down at him. “If you’d just ask nicely, I might just say we could be friends on this one.”

“This one? After all the times you sided against me?” Knuckles started climbing out of the hole. “You’ve gotta be some kind of-…uh… uh-oh…no-no…..noooooo~”

He started sliding down the hill as he was climbing, …. he suddenly realized.

His butt touched the bottom. “I’m…” he blinked his eyes, “Stuck.”

She peered down.

Leaning her head back up, she started laughing hysterically.

“Grrr.. JUST WAIT! I’LL GET OUT OF ‘ERE AND I’LL-!!!” he held up a fist, shouting up at her, but then heard her laugh even louder and looked upset, pouting slightly.

He folded his arms, closing his eyes as he knew wouldn’t be able to get out without her help…

“Haha! Oh, Knucky. Haha, what have you gotten yourself into now?” She flapped her wings out and flew up, hovering over the hole.

“Tell you what… I haven’t had a moment alone with you in a while… Do you mind?” she got an idea, and suddenly came down the hole.

“Wh-wha-what are you-?” he was cut off from his surprise, half expecting her to just drill already with her spin kick.

She instead, started to advance towards him, and when he stepped back, he stepped on some elevated land, and slipped back, falling on his back.

“Ye-ouch!” he rubbed his back, not liking that outcome, before seeing Rouge lean down over him. “Whaha!?!?” he was completely flustered and started shouting out random things now. “W-WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING, B-BA-BA-BAT GIRL!? Y-Y-YOU GIRLS HATE THE MUD! G-G-GET AWAY FROM ME!”

She just smiled, tilting her head to the side and raising an eyebrow. “All I want is some quality time. Just relax and tell me how’ve you been..~” she leaned further towards his face and he strained his whole face back, before falling to the mud and started to dig like his life depended on it.

She twitched, having mud spraying everywhere, before her anger marks started coming out. “ALRIGHT. I SEE HOW IT IS!” she smashed a foot into the mud. “Every lady’s got to get down and dirty sometime!” she spun quickly and drilled a perfect hole down into the dryer core of the island.

As the two dropped into it, she huffed and puffed, before glaring up at Knuckles as he came down, crashing.

“Offph!”

“Serves you right for being so rude and distant. Hmph.” she looked away, folding her arms.

She then came right back at him, leaning down where he had fallen and shouting out more insults, her arms thrusting down to her sides.

“What’s the big idea, anyway!? I’ve left your precious Master Emerald alone, haven’t I!? You know… you probably wouldn’t have guessed this, but I actually took the good guys side this time just to see how your knuckle-headed self was doing these days. Hmph. Serves me right for trying to make sure you were keeping up with yourself. Clearly, you’ve let go quite a bit. At least your shouting’s gotten less grumbly.” She pointed a strict finger at him, before folding her arms and leaning away.

His head swung up into view, “CLEARLY!?”

“Ah, hear that? Just a touch more manly and deep in that then your usual barbaric screeching.” she threw another jab at him.

He got himself up as quickly as he had fallen, holding a fist up but not daring to use it, and shoved his face up against hers. “WANT TO SAY THAT AGAIN, THIEVING BATGIRL!?”

“Is that the only insult you can come up with, tough guy?” she raised an eyebrow, but her anger was rising just the same, and she ended up shoving her forehead up against his, “If I had a dime for every time I’ve said something that your ignorant little brain didn’t pick up on, I wouldn’t need to steal rubies anymore!”

“WHAT WAS THAT?!”

“You deaf old echidna!”

“T-…Thieving batgirl! I’ll call you what you are!”

The two twitched in absolute rage, before their anger started to slowly fade, seeing how close they were, and really looking into each other’s side for the first time in several long months…

They were about to pull away, ducking their heads down to do so, before they heard something sliding above them.

“Huh?” hey both looked up, before having their faces covered in mud.

“…AAACK!” Rouge flung her hands up, and looked disgusted. “This has got to be the worst gig I’ve ever done!” she started wiping the mud away, as Knuckles left it on a second longer, as if still processing the moment before.

As he wiped himself off, she stomped a more solid piece of rock to try and get the mud off her shoes, looking still pretty upset.

“…Did you mean that, Rouge?”

Rouge stopped, and flung her head about, “Mean what!? You ignoramus!” she wiped her eyes of the mud next.

“Echidna!” he called back, as if thinking she said his species name wrong.

She looked back, confused, before groaning and rolling her eyes, continuing to wash herself… oh…

She looked down, seeing some had dropped…

“I.. I didn’t realize you were only trying to help us out… wanting to talk.” he was getting the mud off his shoulders, so it was her chance to turn around and try and clean out a bit.

“It’s not like you said anything different…” Knuckles grumbled, before sighing. “I guess I pinned you wrong. Maybe you have changed.” he was about to turn around, but Rouge shoved a foot in his cheek to keep him facing the other way.

“People don’t change that fast, knuckle-boy. But I do admit… in the past you wouldn’t have been so…” she fixed herself up and turned back towards him, still with some mud on her face. “apologetic… the last time I left you still were hollering till the sun went down. I’m glad to see there’s some form of gentleness to you now.” she stood confidently, happy he was calming down, and liking the new direction he was taken.

He blushed and looked away, not sure how to take the praise. “Yeah, w-well… I’ve learned the hard way.” he shook his head, shrugging. “How to treat a girl verses a dude.”

“Oh?” she seemed intrigued, but also… strangely suspicious. “Like how?” she glared slightly.

“Huh? Oh. Amy says yelling only furthers the anger. She told me to count.” he held up his gloved hand, innocently.

“1, 2. 1, 2. 1, 2.” he literally counted his fingerless glove as one, then moved to his thumb, considering it worth counting.

Rouge pfft’d a slight snicker…

Then she was laughing her head off again.

“H-he-hey! It can work, okay!?” he tried to nervously defend himself, as Rouge just felt she would die laughing in this miserable place.

“You’re- HAHAHA- U-unbelievable. HAHAHA!”

Seeing her laughing mad him mad, anger showing on his face before he silently mouthed the count in his head and touched his thumbs to his gloves in the count of 2′s.

That’s when Tails’s voice came back.

“Hey, you two! How’s the treasure hunt going?”

Knuckles looked down at his communicator, then him and Rouge smiled up at each other.

“I think it’s gonna go just fine.” he smirked.

She batted her eyes, “More than fine… if you keep this up, Knucky~” she winked.

He blinked in confusion, not sure what she meant by that.

“Alright! I’ll see you guys with the metallic counter soon!”

The communicator blizt’ed off and Knuckles helped her up, offering his hand as she took it.

“Now then… if I were a metallic mineral that didn’t want the rest of the world to have it’s greedy little hands on me… where would I hide?” Knuckles rotated his arm, getting ready for some hunting again.

“Hmm… Oh~ Probably the darkest place imaginable.” she flirted, moving up against Knuckles, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Ah, yeah. Good thinkin’, Rouge!” he knew she was leaning on him, but not for the purpose she was intending, and just took off towards where she stated.

She frowned, before smiling warmly to him, having a fondness for the lovable lug, before looking more serious with a smirk and flying off down after him.

They continued to talk as they moved deeper into the tunnels… but mostly about the objective at hand…

#knuxouge #knucklesxrouge #sonic prompt #prompt meme #rouge #rouge the bat #sonic #knuckles #knuckles the echidna

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daughterofdescartes · 6 years

Text

Why my first ‘situationship’ was doomed from the beginning: a personal Romeo & Juliet story

LONG BUT NECESSARY INTRODUCTION

Ah, failed ‘relationships’. It happens to the best of us. It always ends with hurt feelings, you know, because life is programmed to make us all suffer, since nobody knows why we’re here on this planet anyway! I’m turning 20 in December, and am getting over my very first “special someone” *sighs and looks into the distance*... I’m just kidding he wasn’t that special, just happened to be the first dude I had a “thing” with, that’s all. Even though he’s not that special, the experience I went through involving this guy is what changed my life. Yup, I just said that. Sounds hella dramatic, but i’m literally a changed woman. It was a spiritual journey from beginning to end. 90% of the people who know me don’t even know this happened to me. So, if you’re reading this, consider yourself very lucky! Or not, this is going to be really long and I don’t know how interesting I can make this, but stay with me, you guys...

If you want to know what happened, I can tell you this story very shortly without any of the details, and it will just seem like a very dumb story between two youngsters who both didn’t know what they were doing, like my own modern twist on Romeo and Juliet lol.

TLDR: I met an emotionally unavailable American guy on a dating app, we talked for a week and then we told each other that we liked one another. After another week, I got very overwhelmed and said that we need to take a break. A month had passed and we started talking again. I got immensely insecure because at this period i was the only one texting first. Confronted him with my insecurities many many times. We still talked for a time span of around 3 months. Right now we haven’t spoken in over 3 weeks and I have honestly accepted that this whole situation was doomed to fail from the beginning and am reborn as a new person.

Honestly? I don’t think I’m very heartbroken at all. But this whole experience did tamper with me psychologically, so it’s not like I have no healing to do or anything. I went through a lot of emotional suffering, never truly understanding where it was coming from, but during my evening walk with my dog, a light bulb lit up above my head... (a sockhop beneath my bed, press like if u get the ref xd)

Just so you guys know, this McGuy still haunts my mind everyday. Not all the time, but the thought of him or what has happened, will cross me at least once a day. With this experience being very ‘spiritual’ and all, I have been thinking, a lot. I know, very deep of me. I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am as a person and why I am the way I am and suddenly... it all clicked.

I was always thinking about him and his actions, but when I started seeing the bigger picture, aka including myself in the story, it suddenly made a whole lot more sense. It was never really about him, it was about Me. So here’s kind of a prologue talking about my history after this long ass introduction.

PROLOGUE

In my 19 years of existence I had never before messed with anyone romantically. I always just crushed on people, not knowing if any feelings were reciprocated, not knowing if there were any secret admirers (doubt it). I’m not ignorant of the reasons why i’ve been celibate my whole life. I know that i’m kind of shy, pretty insecure, look unapproachable as fuck, not a 10 out of 10 according to society’s standards, etc.

I used to have a harder time coping with the fact that I had never once experienced mutual ‘romantic love’, but when years and years pass by, you just realize that being a celibate teenager is okay. Although I was okay with it, I still had my moments of frustrations. “What’s wrong with me? Why hasn’t anything happened yet?” But always got myself back on my feet again, telling myself I’m fine and just need to be patient. You’re young, you’ve got lots of time! What’s the rush? Even if majority of your friends already had their first kiss in 9th grade; it’s no big deal, right? You just gotta keep yourself busy with other teenager things like, procrastinating school work, being angsty and rebelling against your parents, spending time on the interwebs and whatever else the teenz do.

So, I kept myself busy throughout middle school and high school, had at least one crush every year, because ya girl gets bored sometimes. Most of them weren’t that meaningful, since I kind of suck at talking to guys in general, because I think they’re aliens. So, I never really got to know most of my crushes as people. It was still a fun time regardless, because who cares about rejection, if you just keep it a secret forever? Except for this one dude I obsessively crushed on for 6 years (while simultaneously crushing on other people, wow multitasking Queen), and Young 14 Year Ol’ Me thought it was a very good idea to tell All my Friends in 8th-9th grade, because 14-15 year olds are so trustworthy and won’t tell anyone, right? I’m pretty sure that guy knows how much I liked him and is kind of creeped out, but 14 year old me was just very excited and infatuated.

Anyways, I graduated high school with ok results and 0 romantic experience! Now this is where life Really Begins!!!!! Time for UNIVERSITY!!! *crowd cheering*

I’ve always been a creative, artistic soul, though I think that quality is diminishing more and more every year, or maybe I’m just imagining it. Nonetheless, I didn’t Really know what I wanted to study, but have always considered architecture an option because of its creative side.

Boy.

Most tiring semester of my life. You only understand once you experience the archilife. I once pooped and when I was done, I stood up and looked back, I literally was astonished at the sight of my own feces, because I had literally forgotten that I had pooped, that was how tired I was. If you are grossed out right now, grow up. We all poop.

This major is extremely grueling and taxing on both your physical and mental health. If you’re a procrastinator, oh boy, now that’s adding fuel to the fire. I kept procrastinating finishing/starting my preparation for the final big presentation and ultimately had a big mental breakdown, and decided that I wanted to quit architecture. It was never my passion anyway, and this is one of the majors you must be passionate about, or else you won’t make it out alive unless you’re a masochist.

What comes next after architecture? Sinology aka Chinese studies. I only grew up speaking Shanghainese, so mastering the Mandarin language is something that I have literally always wanted. I was always insecure about my Mandarin skills, so let’s just do that lol.

No matter how awful architecture school might’ve been, I still met some cool people that I really clicked with. (I’m talking like people you can count on one hand, I’m not that social, okay) Which I was really happy about, because I was scared I wasn’t going to have any friends, because I kind of suck at making them.

Changing majors was a big shift, suddenly I was all by myself again and had to go through the whole making friends progress again, schucks.

The architecture campus is in Brussels, while the campus for linguistics is in Leuven. Brussels is a lot more diverse, I would say, so there are less white Belgians.

Let me tell you something about white Belgians, they are horrible at socializing. Especially the province I live in. They’re horrible. I’m also horrible. Conclusion? Making friends in a predominantly Belgian white class, was freaking hard! BECAUSE NO ONE EVEN CARES ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW YOU!!! THEY JUST LOOKING AT THEIR PHONE BITCH!!!! OR TALKING TO THEIR OWN CLIQUE BEING BORING STAYING IN THEIR COMFORT ZONE!!!! Why do new kids in American movies get so much attention, but the two times I’ve been the new kid literally no one cares. That’s the sad reality of life. I mean Hello? If y’all are not gonna make effort to become friends with me? Are you trying to say? That I have to do the work? Bitch?

So a month had passed, and I still had no friends, it was pretty darn lonely, but I was getting there slowly. But here’s a funny thing! On one of these lonely nights, I was watching a youtube video and it was sponsored by GUESS WHAT? a dating app! WOW... Now here’s where The Story beginz..

CHAPTER 1: INCOMING

So ya bitch was entertaining herself on YewChewb, I was watching some video from some Chinese American guy, and in this glorious video, he is advertising this dating app called EastMeetEast... Yeah, it’s a dating app where Asian people meet each other. Me, a bored lonely dumbass bitch, was like okay, let’s see what this is about. This should be Funny!!! So I made a profile, with some catfishy pictures of myself, you know, take her swimming on the first date and all that shit. So, I match with a few guys okay fun, (you could only match with, only girls or only guys) And this dodgy app requires men to pay for the app so that they can message with girls, because if you use it for free, they can’t see girls’ messages or something weird? Mind you, girls can see and send messages for free. We love this reverse sexism!

Also, this app isn’t very popular in Belgium, mainly American people use it, so ya. I mainly matched with Asian Americans.

Turning-point, The Life-Changing Encounter of Death: I match with a 19 year old with the initial A. We’ll call him A for the rest of the story, like some fun little mystery like in Pretty Little Liars. (I’ve never watched it) He only had one picture, but he’s cute. Half Italian, half Chinese. Ok, fun. So shortly after matching he sends me this message on the app: “if you want to talk my username is @_________”. He didn’t really put anything in his bio if i remembered but one thing that was stated on his profile is the HIGH SCHOOL he was in. First red flag. HIGH SCHOOL. First of all, what the fuck. Second of all, why the fuck? But ok lonely ol’ me was feeling Adventurous and this matching with people thing was fun. Male validation did not exist to me before this historical day and chatting with a good looking guy was unheard of.

It didn’t really say what social platform the username was for, the platform always get censored because the app just wants you to pay for the app to talk with people, crayzy. But i just assumed i’d find him on instagram, because that’s where everyone’s texting nowadays. I found him and followed him. He followed me back and messaged me, bingo.

We talk for a short while. I said some cringy ass shit I would literally never say to anyone in real life, because a shishter was feeling very Bold that day. I have never said cringier shit than when i was talking to this guy. It wasn’t anything creepy I just complimented his looks and all he said was “thanks, i’ve seen your pics too. very pretty.” Uh? Who talks like this? What kind of dry ass chicken breast are we eating here? He tells me he’s a high school senior and is born in ‘99. Stayed back a year since he migrated from Cuba to Miami. OK, interesting.

So after shortly introducing ourselves to each other, he suddenly asks if he can have my number? and I was like ??????????????????????????? Why?????????? Forgetting that people actually talk on iMessage, I barely ever do that. But that’s what A meant. I was sceptical but intrigued.

We talk some more. Doesn’t seem like a bad guy, and he texts back quickly. This is entertaining. When once again, A asks me a sudden question. “Can I call you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to.” My head is full of question marks and I start getting sweaty at the thought of having to call a person I barely know. Like I guess this is American culture? Or I just don’t understand calling culture because I have no friends who enjoy calling? But I was like? Calling? That hateful thing my parents force me to do when mailing is not quick enough? Why would you want to do that?

So I’m like, “UH. I DONT KNOW MAN. I’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE SO I’M KIND OF NERVOUS LOL. I DON’T THINK I’M READY FOR THIS” (not actually in caps, but this symbolizes my very nervous energy)

And he replies, “It’s okay. I don’t want to push you into doing anything you’re not comfortable with.”

We were literally talking as if he was asking me to have sex with him, when it was just about a dumbass call. It’s so funny.

Whatever, we continue talking. It’s time for me to sleep. He says “Buenanotte Bella” ..... ?????? OK.

Next day comes, we talk again. He once again asks out of the blue if he can call me??? So I say

“Are you really that curious?”

“Well, aren’t you?”

I was curious, so I caved in and let him call me. It was so nervewracking. The only men I interact with on a regular basis in my life are my dad, brother and my dog.

Boy, the moment I heard that voice say “hey”. That’s the moment I got hypnotized and became a clown for nearly 5 months. I didn’t know you could be this attracted to a voice, but okay. Unfortunately, my voice cannot compare and he did not get hypnotized in return. Wack.

The call wasn’t too bad. It’s cute looking back at it. I couldn’t believe a guy actually wanted to talk to me. That person texting me, was a real human being with a real voice. I was fucking wonderstruck over the fact that a good looking guy was talking to me so I was on cloud 9, Okay? lmao

So the time difference between A and I is 6 hours right. Most of the time we’d start talking when it was evening in Belgium, so for A it was always in the afternoon. Only he could say good night to me, and I never could to him. This created a pretty big inbalance in the attachment levels imo.

In this chapter (the first 2 weeks) he would always ask me what I was doing. Like that’s not your business sis. I don’t wanna tell you that i’m a loser that’s not doing shit even though she has shit to do??? But apparently he always wanted to see if I was busy or not so he knew he wasn’t disturbing me and so that he could, you guessed it, call me.

Everyday, we would text each other, and that was fine, until the dreaded question came. “Can I call you?” BITCH WHY DO YOU WANNA CALL SO BADGSJOGJOISGJI I SWEAR. I didn’t absolutely hate it, but there were just factors that made me not like calling very much. (nearing the end i definitely came to hate it)

1. I don’t want my parents hear me call with a guy (I literally could’ve worn my earbuds I don’t know why I never thought of it... we stan a dumbass bitch)

2. Sometimes there was literally nothing to talk about because we’re foremost still strangers and it was awkward

3. The fact that I wanted to hide this from my parents, made me highly aware of how loud I was speaking and I couldn’t fully express myself, scared that my parents would barge in on me calling.

4. 90% of his jokes flew over my head, they weren’t that funny. I’m sorry, A. I’m funnier. And that’s just tea.

5. EVEN DURING THE CALL when there was nothing to talk about he’d be like “so what’s up wyd” bitch? calling you? I couldn’t concentrate on anything else everytime because I was a nervous wreck.

6. Even if I wanted to do school work, I would push that aside to call him because, I wanted to hear his voice. Ke$ha - Your Love is My Drug

7. BECAUSE I WANTED TO HEAR HIS VOICE we would even call until 4AM TALKING ABOUT LITERALLY NOTHING IT WAS SO AWKWARD WHY KILL MY CLOWN ASS. I RUINED MY SLEEPING SCHEDULE FOR THAT DONKEY

Our text conversations were honestly, more fun, because when we were calling, a bitch couldn’t think straight. Our calls were most of the time not that fun I don’t understand why he wanted to call everyday.

Mind you, the shyer i get, the more monotone I get. So I would react very coldly and in a stiff manner during the calls just saying: “Yeah.”, “Sure.”, “Wow.”, “Ok.” BECAUSE I didn’t have time to think and didn’t know what to say 99% of the time. So a week after getting to know A, during the 64th silence in one of our calls, he says this:

“This is gonna sound really insecure but, do you even like talking to me?”

“Yea.”

So romantic...... I’m swooning...... Pick me up......

Call ends. It’s almost time for me to sleep, but I’m still thinking about what he said right there, so I text:

“Would a person really stay up until 4AM calling someone although they don’t like talking to them? Silly” JGOIJGOIDSGJOSIGJOS JUST SHOOT ME RIGHT NOW I CAN’T BELIEVE I SAID THAT

And then he said something along the lines of “I don’t know if you’re talking to me because you’re just bored, or there’s something more.Like tell me what you want from me, woman” like??? woman?????? SECOND RED FLAG DONT CALL ME WOMAN SHUT THE FUCK UP I HATED THAT SO MUCH

So i was like “idk what do YOU want from me??” And he was like “well” and i was like “i’ll say it too u go first” (lmfao) and then he said

“Honestly I’d like to be romantic with you but, you know, there’s an atlantic ocean between us” and at that moment my heart dropped when I read this text because this might as well have been the smartest point A has ever made in the 4 months of talking to him. He’s right. This humongous distance has slaughtered any budding of any kind of relationship from the very beginning.

Dude never liked me enough to actually want to initiate a meeting, I don’t blame him. The boy was bored and created an account on a dating app because his friends told him about it. I bet he wasn’t really planning to find an Asian European lover in his last year of high school.

But who was naive/delusional enough to convince herself that MAYBE these two people who aren’t even that compatible in the first place, could maybe MEET someday and FALL IN LOVE??? ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With the word ‘romantic’ he probably means fuck, i mean do high school boys actually know what romance is uh. The biggest thing that could have developed in under a week is a small little crush. Anyways, i did not realize this properly and took his statement very seriously and thought “Wow a boy just said he likes me WoW, we will make this Love happen No Matter What” I was thrilled.

Next morning I wake up, I’m a ball of sunshine. A guy 7876768 kilometers far away from me says he likes me. That is so meaningful. Wow....

While I was talking to A, I still matched with other dudes on that stupid app out of boredom, but never talked to them because in my maiden’s ♥heart♥ A was still nr. 1, because he just said he likes me WoW. So while messing around on that app, i keep noticing there’s a green dot next to A’s name, meaning he’s active on the app. And i’m like hmm..... ......................

Me, a nosey bitch, said somethign dumb like “oh you’re active on weird hours” and he just said

“yeah, left it open and let my friends mess around with it”

.................................hmmmmmmmm investigation time even though it’s literally not my place and I am not entitled to any form of commitment at all

Let’s talk about the biggest red flag of all red flags that I decided to ignore,

A’s instagram account. Let’s talk about it.

His username does not include his name, there are NO pictures of him in his feed, only posts dank memes and likes his own posts and if you look at the people he’s following, you see something very interesting!

Half of it are instagram accounts of Asian girls... And most of them weren’t even like popular accounts like they were just really freaking random accounts most of the time, and other ones were girls he met on EastMeetEast.

Yup........ I looked at his moderate collection of Asian girls and thought. Wow this makes me uncomfortable, but he said he likes me, and I don’t think anyone else will ever like me so I should stick to him..... I guess!!!

The only redeeming factor of his instagram is that his profile picture is a kitten, I think her name was Eko or something. Don’t let him hurt you, kitty cat.

So discovering this information, I felt hurt. He said he wants to get ‘romantic’ with me??? Why is he still collecting other Asian girls when clearly, we will fall in love someday?

To confirm my already confirmed suspicions that he isn’t in love with me, I send my Indonesian best friend on a mission and let her create an account on EastMeetEast. I told her to try match with him. THEY MOTHAFUCKIN MATCHED I LITERALLY DONT KNOW WHY I WANTED THIS TO HAPPEN THAT HURT LIKE A MOTHAFUCKAR AT THE TIME. MIND YOU, I TOLD HIM MY BEST FRIEND IS INDONESIAN, AND HE SEES THAT AN INDONESIAN BELGIAN WANTS TO MATCH WITH HIM, WHEN 10 PEOPLE IN BELGIUM USE THIS APP. JGSIDOGJOSGJOISGJ MEN ARE SO STUPID

Notice the sudden spike of emotional instability and irrationality after he told me he liked me? It’s extremely important actually. At the time, I did not understand what I was going through emotionally. And I think if you’re just casually reading this, you might be wondering what was wrong with me too. Thank you for worrying about my wellbeing, you are a better person than A.

So increasingly, I get more and more nervous concerning literally everything that is not pointing towards the direction that he is in fact in love with me, after one week. That’s 7 days, if you will.

I myself was also questioning my sanity throughout this whole process, because I never thought I would go that far. I talked about other guys to see if he would get jealous. (I don’t really think he cared lmao), constantly checked his activity on instagram (he just likes dank memes about fucking girls or something, what a chad)

Week 2 chimes in, I can tell he still ‘likes’ me, talks about stuff that happens in his American high school life, boasts about literally anything possible to make himself look good, jokes around, some intellectual conversations here and there between a weirdo horny for Asian girls and the most hopeless romantic to have existed.

I was watching a very stupid Belgian reality show, reminiscent of ‘Jersey Shore’ or ‘Ex on the Beach’ that kind of stuff. And I touched on the topic that, men cheating on women is highly popularized in media, and i said that women probs cheat just as much but are better at hiding it,

and he said, “Ha, I would know about that”

And I was like aw, I’m sorry. He talked about the fact that he had many failed relationships, most of the girls breaking up with him, if I remember correctly and eventually I got curious over the amount of partners he’s had in his 18 years of being alive, so I asked about it.

And he says “I don’t know, I don’t keep track of that stuff”

??????????????????????????????????? ???????????,

My heart started racing at this point. I was like “What do you mean?”

A says, “I just don’t count that stuff” And in my mind, my inexperienced maiden’s mind could not comprehend that you could be with so many people at such a young age that you lose track of the number? Actually, you know what, anyone with a healthy mind will find this hard to comprehend, i’m not the crazy one here in this case. Like I look at his instagram, and look at what he says and it doesn’t add up LMAO. Also he kind of fucking sucks at communicating how did he manage to cop that much pussy?

I kept asking for a number and he just keeps saying “I don’t know. It shouldn’t really matter right? I don’t keep track of that stuff.” But I was just so fucking pressed like? WHAT????? HOW CAN YOU LET SO MANY RELATIONSHIPS FAIL THAT YOU CAN’T COUNT THEM. YOURE 18, IS THIS AMERICA????? IS THIS WHAT CHILDISH WAS RAPPING ABOUT??????

I was pissed because he just kept refusing to even give a rough estimate, I’m a capricorn we love em statistics (idk what i’m saying)

So I was angry and gave him short answers. Guess what he sends,

“Call?”

I say, “No”

Iconic.

But a few minutes later I give in??? I DON’T KNOW WHY???? LMAOO and we call but it was This Very Last Call that Killed Me

The Call of Death

Call starts. I’m still pissed about the whole thing and he goes,

“So... what’s the beef with my romantic past?”

And I say I just really wanted a number because I wanted to at least have an estimate to have something to grasp onto???? fuck so he’s still very irky about it, doesn’t wanna talk about it, MAYBE BECAUSE HE LIED???? BITCH?????

He says “idk maybe over 20″ ...........????? that’s a larger number than his own age and if you do the math he would have had his first serious girlfriend at 12 years old he would have to have had at least 3 to 4 girlfriends every year....??? is this Floridian culture? Is that normal? Is he talking about anime girlfriends in dating sim games????

So this whole topic just upset me like no other, it confused me, I mean what the fuck is he talking about JGOIIJGOISDJGOSDJGOISJG

It got pretty quiet. When A suddenly says

“You know, if you don’t want to talk to me, we don’t have to”

“Hm. Maybe I don’t”

“Ok.”

The whole call goes dead fucking silent for like more than 10 minutes or something. I was just lying in my bed, scrolling on my phone, trying not to breathe, so the mic can’t catch any sound and I am internally dying.

The silence felt like it lasted forever. I didn’t have the guts to end the call. But i said something dumb to break the silence because I couldn’t take it anymore. Idk what I said.

Not too long after breaking the silence, it was so fucking awkward i don’t even know what we were talking about. Clearly, I’m traumatized and my brain is protecting me from whatever happened that night, which I’m thankful for.

So, not too long after breaking the silence, A says very abruptly, something along the lines of, “I’m home now, bye.” and ends the call. ?????????????

To add to the context, he would mostly go on walks during our calls, what a fit Chad. He really spent some evening walks, just calling me, climbing trees, stealing furniture, talking about literally nothing, that’s so iconic.........

Anyways that felt absolutely terrible, and I knew I never wanted to do that again, fuck.

I woke up the next morning feeling just as horrible, not exactly sure why but the previous night had upset me severely. Throughout this whole day I was questioning my sanity, the ‘relationship’ jodsigjosgj, and also wondering, who the fuck is this dude i’m talking to?

Realizing how much each and every word and action affected me mentally, I felt that I was losing control.

My inner thoughts: This guy is a freaking weirdo. He said he likes me, but then does all these things I do not approve of. I started liking him without really getting to know him and now I face the consequences! We should stop talking for the sake of my own sanity!!!

I’ve been talking about A to two of my close friends, they both roasted him and said I need to leave him, since he’s making me feel miserable with these extreme highs and lows.

That day, I decided A and I should stop talking. This way, I won’t feel the way I feel anymore. Actually felt pretty conflicted, because at this point, I had already grown attached to A. He helped me fill my loneliness when I didn’t have any friends yet in my new major and despite all the red flags, I still wanted to see the good in him. I mean, he said he likes me??? Can’t let that pass!!!!!

I confronted A and asked if he was angry during our last call with the long silence and all.

He says, “No, I was just joking around”

????????????????? Idk how dense I really am? But that atmosphere felt heavy and both of us weren’t laughing so I don’t know where the hell he’s coming from LMFAO. But anyways, I tell him what happened last night really upset me for some reason and that maybe we should stop talking, because talking to him everyday had taken an emotional toll on me.

A says, “Ok, if cutting me off is what you really want, then do so”

A keeps typing, then stops, keeps typing, then stops.

“Can you at least tell me what I did wrong, so that I know what to do next time when I land in a situation like this again?”

I didn’t know what he did wrong either. He was just being himself, I guess.

I say, “You didn’t do anything. I just don’t think talking to you is doing any good to me. It shouldn’t interfere this strongly with my daily life, but it is.”

He said he understands, and that we should part ways, if that’s what’s best for me.

I say, “I wonder why I’m having a harder time saying goodbye than you are”

A says, “Believe me, it’s very hard for me too”

Behind my screen, I started crying? How did I get so attached to somebody I barely knew? I couldn’t understand what was going on with me.

I wanted to hold onto him for dear life. From the moment A said he liked me, my mind took off to fantasyland. I got so excited about this mutual liking, that my mind overlooked the realism of this whole situation. I was so attached to the idea of someone liking me and the embellishments of romantic love, that I completely malfunctioned when confronted with reality, when my expectations of a perfect love weren’t met.

Because I didn’t want to let go of that concept of love, I didn’t want to let go of A. Who knows when the next person will like me? It took me 19 years to get my first one? Was my logic lmfao. fuck.

I said, “Maybe I just need some time to sort myself out. We’ll talk again someday.” I could not let him go, not because I even liked him all that much, but because of the sheer reason that he said he liked me.

A said, “Do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy. If there’s anything I can do, please tell me. But please don’t cry.”

In this last conversation before the ‘break’, A was oddly enough very sweet to me, which felt horrible. This is the most vulnerable, genuine side I had ever seen of A in the 5 months of knowing him. I wanted to continue talking, but I already said we should stop talking so I was too ashamed to go back on my words GJOIDSJGOSIGJS

We wished each other the best of luck and said our goodbyes.

I said, “Talk to you later, one day”

“I know. Goodbye.” A said, thinking this was our last conversation, because he didn’t think I would actually hit him up a month later. Lol.

CHAPTER 2: ON HOLD

I still have never been in a relationship, but what I felt the next morning, is what I imagine what half of a break up must feel like. I felt empty and wanted to text him almost immediately.

Yes, ya girl listened to sad songs and she was bawling her eyes out. Jeez. Give me a break.

Lunchtime came around. I looked out the window as it was snowing. I wanted to take a picture and show him, since it doesn’t snow in Miami, fuck please what the fuck. BUT i couldn’t do any of that because I had already said we’re taking a break, wow.

I start tearing up and my mom looks worried.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” The feeling of eating and crying at the same time is horrible. My mom doesn’t ask me anything further and I just keep sulking for the rest of the day. For the rest of the freaking month.

Holding back the urge to talk to him that day was extremely difficult, but imagine how ridiculous I would have looked if sis gave up in less than a day, so that held me back LMAO.

On some days A wasn’t even on my mind and I was living just fine.

On some nights A was all I could think about.

I kept thinking about when I should contact him. After my exams? That’s too long. That’s like 2 to 3 months, he’s over me by then! But if I talk to him before my exams, how will that affect my studies? The struggle was real.

I wanted this break to calm my feelings and for me to get back on my feet. That didn’t happen. I was still obsessed with the idea of what it must be like to be with someone. And for some odd fucking reason I thought I could make that a reality with A LMAOOOOOOO STOP

I thought, the longer I wait, the bigger the chance he’d no longer be interested in me. That thought was absolutely terrifying to me. I had to talk to him by the end of the month, or else I could not salvage This True Love.

CHAPTER 3: KIKI

We’re nearing the end guys, stay with me. It’s gonna be very anticlimactic, so stay tuned!

So after a month of anguish and yearning I send him a text. I couldn’t even wait until I got home. I did it while i was on the bus with 4G, um calm down binch???

We start talking again, but for some reason things just felt different to me. I expected things to be different. I wanted to go back to the euphoric point of when we told each other we liked each other or back to him comforting me in our ‘last moments’ before I momentarily cut him off.

The next day, and the day after, and the day after that, I kept waiting for A to text me first, but he never did. I had to text him first for 4 consecutive days. Is this a bad sign? Did he not like me anymore? He hadn’t even asked if he could call me, which I didn’t really want to do anyway, but at least it meant that he liked me, right? He’d always text back, though. And our conversations were moderately fun. So I couldn’t understand what was going on. I had to know what was going on in his mind. Does he still like me the way he used to?

These 3 months I was constantly very vulnerable, emotionally unstable and very very insecure, once again finding it hard to grasp what I was going through mentally. For tackling these problems, I always went for the approach of wearing my heart on my sleeve. Now, I really don’t know if this was the best tactic, but at least I got everything off my chest and didn’t hold anything in.

“Why haven’t you been texting me first?”

“Honest to god, I’m just really busy lately. If you want to talk, just talk to me. If you’re bothered with anything, don’t deal with it by yourself. I’m here to listen.” A told me he was preparing for his finals. I once again made a clown of myself.

But how busy was he really? He still liked his dumbass memes on instagram, continued following Asian girls, why couldn’t he make time for me? Didn’t he like me?

It dawned on me that I wasn’t on his priority list. And it made sense. Seniors are pretty busy and need to worry about applying for college. Which senior in their right mind would be looking for love? Who was I in his world? Just a part of his collection of Asian girlfriends? Sure that’s kind of hurtful, but can we still make ♥~*LOVE*~♥ happen though? My delusional self thought, Yes!!!!!

As time progressed, I got more and more insecure and kept confronting him with my own problems, and A must’ve gotten more and more sick of my bullshit.

At times he’d text me first, but not make the effort to keep the conversation going at all. I always had to bring up something interesting to keep talking or else the convo would’ve just ended with him giving a one word reply like “lmao”

He asked to call 2 more times, but I said no, feeling slightly traumatized from what the last call did to me lol. Also, I knew if I heard his voice again, that everything would affect me even more. So we never called.

“Can I call you?”

“Why? Do you miss my voice that much?” LMAOOO BYE WHO DO I THINK I AMMMMJSOIGJSOG

“No, I just need my hands to be free, I’m making homework, so calling seemed easier.”

I realized him wanting to call me, wasn’t necessarily because he liked me, it was mostly out of practicality, so that he could multitask and do something else.

A was sometimes just flat out rude, and he honestly doesn’t care. He was a self-proclaimed Asshole (is that something to be proud of?) and said that he most of the time doesn’t care if he hurts people’s feelings. That’s scary. Why wouldn’t you care about being a good person? Lawful Evil.

Here are some other red flags that still didn’t stop me from backing away:

Racial slurs are a joke to him

He really enjoys WWII jokes

Is heavily annoyed by pride month

When I showed him pictures of my dog, he didn’t seem to care at all

He dislikes Ariana Grande

Despite all these things, I was still attached to A. For what? He didn’t even like me romantically anymore at this point. What kind of rose goggles was I wearing? LOL. At this point i just wanted his attention.

I kept holding onto something that was never even there to begin with. The possibility of ♥~*LOVE*~♥ ever happening. I failed to realize that everything was doomed from the beginning. I had been alone all my life and the moment I thought somebody could change that I Snapped Lmao.

1. The distance. For real, who’s actually going to pay that much money to see someone you barely know and barely care for?

2. A was never really out there looking for anything serious. He’s a high school senior for god’s sake.

3. My unrealistic fantasies of what should have been happening to achieve ♥~*LOVE*~♥ constantly clashed with my reality. I was constantly busy fantasizing of what could have been that I failed to see things for what they were. I continuously tried to mold the situation into something it wasn’t.

If you think about it for more than 10 seconds and imagine a situation where we would actually meet, I would probably find the nearest cliff to jump off of. Exactly how much embarrassing cringy shit have I said to this man?

In probably our last meaningful conversation I asked him what he thinks of me, after “knowing” me for around 4 months.

A says, “I think you’re cool, you just need a confidence booster”

He once again, called himself an Asshole and made the point that I actually have a great personality and am really funny and that I just need to realize it. At least he’s aware. I applaud him. He told me things I already knew, but it was still very thought provoking to think about my confidence because it is the root of many of my problems.

Our last conversations felt like I was beating a dead horse. I don’t think any of us care enough anymore. Our situation was dead from the beginning and that’s fine. I’m glad this story has finally come to an end. I wish A would realize being a good person is actually rewarding, but it’s his own choice to change his life for the better. I wish him the best, and I wish myself the best of luck too. He just graduated high school and might just enter a transitional phase like I did lol. Does everyone go through a rebirth in their first year of uni? Maybe it’s just me. Finally this can die. My soul feels a lot lighter. Like in Shugo Chara, how the X-egg becomes a normal egg again and says “Thank You”, that is literally how I feel right now. Wow.

CHEESY EPILOGUE

This whole thing started because I felt extremely lonely and bored lol.

And that loneliness was amplified with my insecurities + inexperience of never having had any romance in my life? I always tend to blame myself, when really, inherently, there is nothing wrong with me. Things like a first kiss, a first lover or a first date all come at a different time for everyone. I just need to stop being impatient and glorifying my own concept of what ♥~*LOVE*~♥ is and just enjoy my life for what it is as time flows.

The thing about my self-esteem is, I am definitely aware of what a great person I am, but I still find it hard to see my worth? Like, I can see it, but I can’t grasp it? I think I tend to magnify and pick at my flaws so strongly that I can no longer believe in my own capabilites... It’s important to be kind to others but we forget that we should also be nice to ourselves.

If I want to make friends and get to know people, I will, and the right people will like me for who I am.

I must realize that I am more than what I hate about myself and that I am in fact good enough. Validation from the outside world can be nice but it’s still Me who really needs to believe it. (dattebayo)

Human beings are so complicated and we need to take all the time we need to understand ourselves and understand why we feel the way we feel, why we think what we think.

If you have been reading up to this point, I would like to thank you for taking your time to read about my experience. Hopefully you learned something too!

I love you :)

#thoughts #story #long post

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