#sometimes people who are severely traumatized just don't want to share it I'm sorry

[boringwomanwithabook]

How on earth is it possible for my biggest Tumblr crush to think she's so unworthy of being loved 😮‍💨

I think sometimes people think I've got nothing going on because of my ability to crack jokes or be lighthearted, but that is simply not true lol, just the only armor I was given in this life. But there's a real person underneath there who's had a really fucking bad time on this planet and maybe people don't believe me, that's cool. Not here to convince you. My demons convince me enough as it is, day after day.

[the-owl-house-takes]

https://www.tumblr.com/the-owl-house-takes/739902025110814720/httpswwwtumblrcomthe-owl-house-takes73915284?source=share

Okay man, I will let you in on a little secret, from one severely traumatized person to someone else. Luz is traumatized, this made her do bad things. On the scale of bad reactions to trauma Luz is taking it like a fucking CHAMP. She got used and manipulated and that's bound to make someone feel gross and slimy, especially KNOWING as much as Luz knows about how what she did helped someone so EVIL. Should she have been honest? Yes. But also you dense motherfucker, that was probably the LEAST BAD THING she could have DONE in reaction to this trauma.

For a few years, starting when I was 11, some of the most horrific shit you could imagine was happening to me. No details because. You know. Not the place, I don't get the option to throw this under a read more. When I was 13 I did the "right thing" and turned in the person hurting me. But where I lived didn't have good therapists, I already had bipolar (diagnosed in 1st grade, yes for real) and it was getting worse. I would become extremely hostile and easy to set off. I broke aluminum brooms on people's backs. I stabbed people with pencils in high school. I literally missed the start of class to find out where a kid who stole some food from me in the previous class was so I walked into his class and SCREAMED AT HIM. Someone stole my MP3 and I had a meltdown for the entire duration of choir screaming at everyone to give it back because it was extremely unlikely that someone came in the private choir hallway to take my puny outdated MP3. I was a huge fucking piece of shit and I work every day to better myself from who I was in high school. The other day I had someone who knew me in high school come up to me and APOLOGIZE. I was constantly being bullied. I told him I genuinely didn't even remember what he said because it was over 10 years ago now, but told him to pass on to a few of the people I stabbed that I'm sorry. He still bought me a drink because he felt so bad. But I also felt bad. Yeah the only people who can forgive me are the people I've hurt, so I actually don't want to fucking hear your opinion on it.

The other characters in the show are actually emotionally intelligent and understand that even if what Luz did was bad they know she has proven to them that she cares about them and was only afraid of losing them. Speaking as someone who has not a single childhood friend from being the weirdest kid in SPED every year and moving just as frequently, I can absolutely understand the fear of losing the only friends you have and becoming ALONE again.

If this is how you react to any fucking "misbehavior" by someone so hurt then I would rather never hear another thing you have to say. Traumatized children are going through fucking enough.

When I was 10 I jumped off a swingset and landed funny on my arm. I told my mom's boyfriend and he said it was fine. I wore slings I made myself out of paper towels for a month because it hurt to let my arm hang down. Now sometimes when I lift heavy things or sleep on it wrong my arm hurts a bit. I had it x-ray'd a few years back and the bones were only very slightly deformed. Untreated breaks can end much MUCH worse. But when my arm hurts now I don't blame my fucking arm, I blame my mom's shitty boyfriend for not taking me to the fucking hospital (he never told my mom either).

So anyways Luz did a bad thing but she could have literally done a billion things so much worse and her friends forgiving her is not bad writing it's because they LOVE HER, and I don't know why there's so much fucking discourse on this specific topic, the people she hurt forgave her, your opinion is not relevant to this plot point because she didn't hurt you specifically. So sorry anon, that Luz Noceda lied to you specifically and hurt your feelings so bad. It's framed as a bad thing in the show even tf is wrong with you.

-

[doomsdayradio]

!! THIS POST IS ABOUT CDD SYSTEMS WHEN I SAY SYSTEM I MEAN CDD SYSTEMS ENDOS IM BEGGING FOR MY LIFE RN😭😭😭 !! /lh

i feel like we should eventually talk about how the culture around dating in online system spaces is kinda weird?

like i'll be honest, the idea of like dating applications is weird to me in general personally as someone who's on the aromantic spectrum, but i can't help but feel extra weirded out when i see those kind of partner system applications.

i feel like maybe looking for random people on the internet to date with the first and foremost thing you're mentioning being that you have a severe trauma disorder is kind of. dangerous? and? not a good idea? and i have to emphasize that if you do this kind of thing and someone does end up hurting you, that is in no way at all your fault, that is completely on them and you did not deserve that, i just think we should be talking about the safety precautions of this kind of thing.

abuse survivors are very likely to be abused again later in life and just because someone else is a fellow system/trauma survivor doesn't automatically mean they're a safe person who has your best interest at heart. like it feels like a situation where it's very easy to be taken advantage of. i also feel like this kind of partner system applications thing is more common among younger systems who most likely haven't gone through recovery and might still have a skewed view on how healthy relationships and connections work.

and at the heart of this, i feel like that is a big thing, that the system community is by default made up of extremely traumatized individuals. i'll be the first to admit that making connections isn't easy, our biggest social issues consist of a fear of/inherent feeling of embarrassment so intense we literally feel embarrassment by just existing in front of other people, but i don't feel like this whole applications thing is the best way to go about it?

i also feel like this sometimes can go hand in hand with like. fictive dating and source calls? i feel like some introjects specifically go out of their way to find another introject of the person their source dated and, again, that can be dangerous and not work out well because at the end of the day, you don't actually know that person that well? introjects aren't their source and source seperation needs to be made to a certain degree during recovery and healing, this kind of thing feels like it's encouraging introjects to not view themselves as seperate from their source.

and this isn't to say that it's wrong like if an introject meets another introject who just so happens to be from their source and they click as individuals and they date i mean hell we have parts in our sys like that, i'm specifically talking about introjects who only date other introjects because they share a source.

im not really sure how to close this out and this is mainly a ramble just to get my thoughts out because i've been thinking about it over the last couple days feel free to add on or ignore or wtv lol

btw this isn't meant to be judgemental towards anyone and im genuinely sorry if it comes off that way, i just wanted to throw out my thoughts on some parts of the system community i've seen that seem like. off.

[theoldlesbianwithcats]

@butch-reidentified Some of your comments seem to be visible at random for some reason, so I'll summarize them: you asked if "het" women who experiment with a woman and don't like it + "het" men who have sex with men in prison are bi. Well yes, obviously. They hide their same-sex attraction behind excuses because they're ashamed of it, but they still chose to have gay sex even though they could just not do that. In the case of bicurious women who hated the time they tried with a woman, I can tell that, as someone who was sexually harassed by such women, while they pick male partners based on attractiveness, chemistry, common interests, etc., they will just have sex with any woman who consents to it. If you have sex with a random person just to test something, -- surprise! -- the sex will be bad. Personally, I think it's a form of self-sabotage: they don't want their same-sex attraction to be real, so they will test it in conditions that will make it a mediocre experience.

---

To OP, I've been in feminist and lesbian circles for ten years longer than you, I understand where you're coming from. I used to believe whatever women said, especially if they identified as lesbian and/or radfem. As years pass, I think more and more than only gold stars are lesbians. Especially since gold star includes victims of rape, forced marriage and sex trafficking.

Your comparison to straight women being coerced into sex with men isn't very relevant, as it is congruent with their sexual orientation. Do you think a straight woman could be pressured into a relationship with a woman? Into a marriage with a woman? Have sex with that woman for years and pretend to enjoy it while being actually heterosexual?

You talk about dysphoria, self-harm and suicidality in lesbians, but that's exactly the point! There are so many ways to hate yourself and harm yourself without going against your very nature, why would any lesbian go out of her way to have sex with a man? If it's social pressure, why have sex when you can just create an excuse ("I'm focusing on my studies", "I want to wait for Mr. Right/marriage", "the only man I love is [whatever prophet/god you're supposed to believe in]") or invent a summer romance with a random dude?

(Also I'm sorry to tell you that, but there are many "non-gold star lesbians" who will say their experience with men is traumatic when there are gold stars around, but when they think we're not reading/listening, admit that it was actually ok, even good sometimes, but boring.)

Since we're both French, I'll add this study on bisexuality from Ined that shows that 50% of people who identify as homosexual admit that they are attracted to both sexes. While it also says that 60% of women who identify as lesbians had sex with men (you would say the difference between the two shows the "real non-gold stars"), you have to remember that those 50% are only the people who will admit to it! Unfortunately, in my many years on radblr, I've seen several women swear they were non-gold star lesbians and not bi... only to have very obvious crushes on men and/or date men again.

I mean, think about it. Why would those women be so mad that we exist, if they are truly lesbians? They can envy us, sure, but to the point of censoring us? Stopping us from sharing our experiences, even if that could help younger lesbians stand up for themselves? I've envied lesbians who had an easier time than me (accepting family, no bullying...) to the point of being angry, but never to the point of mocking them or telling them to shut up.

i have goldstar in my bio because i am tired of everyone making fun of that word and of lesbians who use it as if it was a crime not to have had sex with a man, but at the end of the day i do not believe that only goldstar lesbians are real lesbians and i never will. you people need to start wondering why you believe that straight and bi women can be coerced into sex/relationships by men even though they aren't attracted to them/don't want to be with them and have sex with them but don't believe that it can happen to lesbians too. we're not immune to male violence or sexual assault, we're not immune to rape by coercion, we're not immune to abuse - especially given the homophobic society we live in that will do everything to push us in men's arms. you people have to wonder why you understand that prostitutes do not consent to the sex they're having with sex buyers and do not enjoy it (even when they pretended to at the time) but don't understand that a lesbian who has been with a man did not consent to the sex she's had (or did so because of homophobia which isn’t real consent) and did not enjoy it (even when they pretended to at the time). you people have to wonder why you understand that homophobia, internalized homophobia and a homophobic society can lead people to be dysphoric, to identify as someone of the opposite sex, to go through life changing surgeries and hormones and so on, but don't understand that homophobia can lead lesbians to try to be with men. i could go on forever because there are many examples, but i think my point is clear. you people have to wonder why you do not treat lesbians the way you treat other women.

[brick-a-doodle-do]

I've shared Ezephr before! But tw for very slight and badly drawn blood!

This awesome dude! Fun fact, he's the only character I've drawn without any references or guides for drawing a shape I couldn't (like hands but I did it without a tracing tool to give me an idea)

Warning: He can face an entire army of magic users and tanks and come out unscathed while everyone else is suddenly dead, do not provoke

He attacks and traumatizes Irza when the dragon is just 16yrs old and then has a fascination for the dragon that never goes away again so sometimes he stalks or randomly attacks the guy but somehow doesn't know his actual identity and just knows him as Voidshire (SO lucky for Irza)....he's absolutely awesome but would kill everyone in the room, including me, then sit on the bodies after moving them to form a throne while eating some pie/cake

This guy is a villain and kills because he *wants* to. There is no goodness in him left (bc his backstory is even WORSE than Irza's and he killed people when he was 12)

He's an angel but his wings are red for several reasons, mostly from his slaughtering of people

THANK YOU FOR THE RESPONSE ON MY BLURB THAT WAS A COOL RESPONSE!!!!

I'mma get to that in just a minute bc it's a lot to write but yaaayyyyy

OH YEAAH SORRY MY MIND TOTALLY BLANKED! dude with the knife wings, i remember completely now >:D

seriously? that's actually awesome for not having a guide!! :0

also i love his hair color, does that come with the getup or is it everyday for him? also do we get a real name? or is that his real name?

jesus he sounds like a god--how close to one is he? does he have any connections to like actual gods (if any exist in this universe). is there any like..origin to his powers? does he come from a bloodline of op people orrr? :D

teenage trauma at it's finest :) does any kidnapping happen? does irza ever find out about ezephyr's stalking habits/eze's obsession with him? this dynamic reminds me a lot of discduo and i gotta say i'm enjoying it--

jeez that is really lucky,, i'm impressed that's even managable,,

that is..psychotic and i love it.

villains who kill for fun are always fascinating. i've got a killer!tommy au (which tbh....probably isn't my best idea) who does pretty much the same thing---he kills for the exhilaration so yeah those guys are never fun :')

.......backstory explanation? donate to the poor pls 🙏

several reasons? list them. right now, don't be a pussy /j/j/j

mhmmmm i had a lot of fun with that! btw turning asks off as i get a project done so bear with me here,, it'll probably take abt 10-15 minutes if i'm lucky, 20-30 at the most :]

[lovebecomeshim]

hello! your zutara posting today has finally motivated me to ask this question because I came to atla very late(last year, to be specific) and I Love It Very Much but am 1000% out of the loop as far as why what remains of fandom (at least that I've seen among my friends) is so very strongly zutara. I'm not opposed to it per se I just don't really know what has driven it to apparently be such a popular ship? can you help me understand and maybe convert me a little bit?

Hey!! Your ICON! :D I can try but I’m not sure how coherent I’ll be; however I AM sure someone a lot more competent will be willing to add to this. Either way, I’m glad you asked because my plan was to drag down as many people as possible with me.

*smacks the hood of zutara* this baby can fit so much mutual love and support!

This got so long, I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to put it under a cut on mobile and it already got deleted once so I’m scared to mess with it lol. Moving on.

I’m gonna start this with a disclaimer that im on mobile so formatting is tricky and I’m also really new to atla in that I only completed my first watch through in like 2019??? So some of my info is all just based on what I’ve picked up from Discourse 👀 so anyway the sparknotes version: zutara was wildly popular from the beginning. To the point where the atla crew internally disagreed on which ship should be endgame. (Ex. Bryke [showrunners] asked the writers to rewrite The Southern Raiders to make Zuko seem less ideal for Katara than Aang [which failed, depending on who you ask]; the animation team purposefully created a visual parrallel between Oma and Shu in the Cave of Two Lovers and Zuko and Katara in the catacombs under Ba Sing Se in the Crossroads of Destiny; etc.)

The ship was popular enough that Bryke actually chose to display zk fanart at a con for the sole purpose of mocking the fans, but that’s neither here nor there. The entire episode Ember Island Players, while a love letter to/parody of the whole show, was an opportunity to address zutara’s viability as a canon pairing (while, again, mocking zutaras for romanticizing that catacombs scene). Point is! It’s always been popular but with it not being endgame, there’s got to be something that’s given it staying power.

And that’s honestly got to do with three things: their dynamic, thematic cohesion, and potential.

(You know what... you know what, it’s four things. The fourth is they’re so aesthetically pleasing together and individually. Like, they’re just good looking people [specifically when they’re grown but they’re also cute kids] and that absolutely doesn’t hurt) (but it’s not the Point, it’s just nice to point out sometimes)

The dynamic is hard to get into without also looking at the canon pairings, but I think I can do that without unnecessary bashing. It’s just that part of the magic of zutara is really highlighted by what they give to each other that their other relationships don’t.

First off, it’s classic enemies to (would be) lovers. The absolute truest form of it. It’s not too different from how CS started out: a rogue antagonist with a job to do—but no personal vendetta against the future love interest—who is deeply and emotionally invested in his personal storyline (revenge/redemption) with little regard for how it effects other people after his entire life and genuine good nature are marred by suffering, and a fierce warrior girl with a strong moral compass and her own personal investment in stopping him (protect her family and save the world doing it). Obviously frustration and animosity grew between them by the nature of them being on opposing sides, but that just lends itself to the sweetness of their later reconciliation.

The thing is that while they’re wildly different on the surface (he’s a hot-headed prince of a fascist regime who is trying to capture the Avatar to please his father; she’s a nurturing daughter of the chief who is trying to protect and train the Avatar in order to topple his father’s throne) they find out that they have so much more in common both in their experiences and their personalities.

(What follows is an excessive use of the word “both” and I’m sorry about that)(I can edit it. I can do that. That IS an option............)

They both have an innate sense of justice that they are determined to see done (zuko, at the war meeting, sticking up for the Earth Kingdom kid when the guards torment his family, choosing not to steal from the pregnant couple despite his circumstances, abiding by his word to leave the SWT should Aang come willingly, etc.; katara, literally.... at any point). They both have pretty one-track minds at accomplishing certain goals once they’ve put their mind to it, regardless of a lack of support in that endeavor (it goes without saying I guess, but zuko’s entire hunt; katara’s determination to get the earth benders to fight back, her determination to absolutely destroy Pakku until he agrees to teach her, etc.). They both lost their mothers at young ages. Their worlds are war-torn and traumatizing to them both, if in different ways, but that ultimately forces them to grow up too quickly to be wholly independent individuals. They both have issues with their fathers (for WILDLY different reasons, but). They both hold extreme prejudices that they need to learn to overcome (which ties into thematic cohesion)(bit like Lizzie and Darcy in that way but magnified by a million). They’re both extremely emotional and empathetic—which can and often does result in loud outbursts. Katara’s a bit better adjusted and can temper her anger for longer than S1 Zuko can, but they both feel that anger deeply and have no compunctions expressing it (Katara is, usually, more justified, particularly in S1. Again, S1 Zuko is severely maladjusted but at the point when they could’ve feasibly become a couple, he’s so much better off with the way he carries himself). They both struggle with feelings of inferiority in their bending abilities when confronted with prodigal benders like Aang and Azula, but have the work ethic required to double down and become two of the most powerful benders in the three remaining nations. This is a little more minor but it is a parrallel that appeals to some shippers that they both have these alter egos in the Painted Lady (notably fire nation coded) and the Blue Spirit (water tribe coded) that are pretty different from who they are day-to-day and are useful in accomplishing a purpose that they as themselves cannot.

(I’m.... I just realized that this could potentially get very long. Should I have made a slide show with bullet points??????)

Anyway, similar. I know there’s more but there’s literally so much to love about zutara that I’ll drive myself a little crazy trying to compile all the ways they’re similar. (Just gonna say that at this exact moment I went back to add more similarities.... so okay then)

Once they’ve reconciled, we see how all of these things only lend themselves to a deeper intimacy together than they share with literally anyone else. There’s a steady partnership that positions them as the mom/dad of the gaang, while also providing the support necessary to allow the other to not have to carry so much responsibility. A lot of zutaras will point out how zuko is actually depicted doing the more domestic chores that are normally relegated to Katara once he joins the gaang, since the others in the group are two 12-year-olds and sokka. The one that sticks out the most is how he makes tea for the group and then serves them, while Katara is able to just relax with her friends around the fire. Fanon expands upon this a lot to Zuko helping with the laundry or the cooking or whatever else needs doing since he, as a once-refugee, is used to doing his own domestic tasks. Before Zuko joined, Katara was the one mothering everyone, sewing for them, cooking for them, etc. She’s always tending to the needs of the group, and that includes emotionally. She does the emotional labor for the gaang 99% of the time, but when she’s the one falling apart, she’s usually doing it alone and without the comfort that she normally provides for others. Until Zuko. And that’s before they’re even friends.

Which is WHY people romanticize the catacombs of Ba Sing Se so much. Katara is verbally attacking Zuko out of her own righteous anger but also her own prejudice when Zuko, surprisingly, chooses to be vulnerable with her. He’s been on a journey that’s opened his eyes a bit, but he’s never actively chosen to expose the rawest parts of his past to anyone. But for some reason he chooses to do that with Katara of all people. While she’s yelling at him. He sees her humanity, and for once can look past his prejudice and empathize with her. And this time, when she breaks down, she gets to be comforted. Katara normally talks about her mother when she’s trying to explain to someone else that she sees and understands they’re pain, as a form of comfort to them. Here, Zuko uses the exact same tactic. He sees her and he understands. And for zuko? He’s not being shut down. He’s allowed to articulate his pain regarding his mother without being ignored and made to internalize it, and he’s allowed to process how he feels about his scar out loud without being told that he deserved it. And then he lets her touch his scar, something we’ve seen him actively avoid before. He’s completely open to her and she’s completely open to him and all it took was one five minute conversation. She was about to use the little bit of Spirit water that she had, that she was saving for something Important, to heal the scar that still daily causes him pain just because they had, somehow, connected.

Plus there’s the whole parallel to the star-crossed lovers forbidden from one another, a war divides their people—

And then zuko messes up, he regresses, he gets what he wants and he HATES it. And the sense of justice he had as a child has been restored to him against his will and he can’t think of anything he wants to do more than the Right Thing, so he joins team avatar. Before he does that though, we get to see his relationship with Mai, which is where comparison really comes in. And what we see is Zuko, fresh off of his encounter with Katara in the catacombs, trying to be emotionally honest with Mai... and getting shut down and dismissed. Which is just how Mai is and it’s fine, but not for Zuko. Still, he keeps trying, and he keeps getting ignored or scoffed at or yelled at. Which is really a larger symbol for how he doesn’t fit in his old life anymore, but again that’s about thematic cohesion. He tries to articulate his anxieties about returning home, he tries to make romantic gestures, he tries to explain how morally conflicted he’s feeling—and Mai diverts to some kind of physical affection to shut him up and a parting comment that is pretty much always, in essence, “I don’t wanna talk about this.” So they don’t. On the other hand, once zuko and Katara are friends, we see him again emotionally distraught and caught up in his anxieties about facing Iroh, and it’s Katara who comes to him and listens to him and comforts and encourages him.

Similarly, we have Aang clamming up and getting uncomfortable whenever Katara shows any negative emotion, usually resulting in him making excuses or running away. Or, in the case of the Southern Raiders, lecturing her on how she needs to just let go of her anger about her mother’s murder. People have talked this episode to death and usually better than I ever could, so imma... keep it brief. There’s a serious disconnect between Aang and Katara in his ability to empathize with Katara and her needs that has her tamping down her vulnerability and amping up her anger. He tells her that he was able to forgive his people’s genocide and appa’s kidnapping (petnapping? Theft??), which is blatantly not true but also not an entirely equal parrallel to Katara’s situation, and continues making these little remarks throughout the episode. But it’s Zuko that Katara opens up to. It’s with him that she’s able to talk about the most traumatic day of her life, and it’s with him that she’s able to get the closure she needs, cementing their bond as friends and partners. This disagreement between Aang and Katara is then... never resolved. They just never bring it up and hear what the other is saying.

There’s a fic called The Portraits of Ember Island that has a line that so completely sums up the heart of the matter for why people love their dynamic. For context, zuko has woken up early to help Katara with the cooking and they spend the whole time just letting one another talk, and zuko stops to ask why she always just lets him talk. And so she stops to ask why he’s always helping, and it goes as follows:

There’s just... so much mutual support! Trust! Intimacy!! And it just continues like that from the Southern Raiders on, listening to each other, advising each other, watching each other’s backs! And then! Literally saving each other’s lives!! I will never be over the last Agni kai. Not ever. Zuko may have been willing to jump in front of lightning for anyone, but he actually did it for Katara. And in a show, that’s the thing that really matters. It’s a fulfilled trope usually exclusively applied to romantic pairings, and it ended up applying to Zuko and Katara. And then she ran out into the middle of a fight with tunnel vision just to get to him.

Also!! Also Zuko pushing Katara out of the way of the falling rocks at the Western Air Temple!! And Katara catching him as he fell from the war balloon that he fought Azula on!! Before they’re even getting along, they’re the ones reaching for each other. They come to this place of equal ground, as partners, who watch each other’s backs, call each other out but still listen attentively and understand, and provide the support that the other has been sorely lacking up until they knew each other (whether that be from lack of effort or lack of understanding from others, or an unwillingness to accept it for themselves).

Then, trailing along under the surface of this, we see the themes of the show totally embodied by Zuko and Katara as individuals and in their relationship to one another. There’s a YouTuber, sneezyreviews, who has a, like, 2-hour explanation on why she not only loves zutara but also believes that their endgame would’ve actually elevated the writing of atla to new levels particularly because of thematic cohesion and resolved character arcs. It’s the zutara dissertation I never knew I needed, and it’s funny and eloquent and effective, so I’m just going to sum up her section on thematic cohesion to the best of my abilities and then link it for whenever you have the time. And I HIGHLY recommend it, especially if you want a full understanding of what makes zutara so great and gives it such longevity.

Guru pathik has a line that goes something like this: separation is an illusion; things that seem different are just two parts of the same whole. Iroh also tells Zuko something similar: balance and strength are achieved when the different nations come together and influence one another and celebrate what makes them each unique. And this lesson is a massive central arc that both Zuko and Katara go through, moving past a black-and-white, good guys-vs-bad guys, us-vs-them mentality and into a greyer, more nuanced view of the world. Zuko sees the fire nation from an entirely new perspective and while he still loves and hopes for his nations future, he surrenders his blind loyalty to them in exchange for an unflinching loyalty to peace and love. Katara too had to come to terms with the fact that cruel people exist in the earth kingdom and water tribes, while some fire nation citizens are just regular, kind people who also need and deserve to have someone speak on their behalf. And this is honed in directly on how they view each other. They grow in their individual journeys to be open to the humanity in the other and then, once they’ve found that, they’re able to grow more in compassion for others in a beautiful feedback loop. And this is all matched in the symbolism repeatedly and intentionally associated with them in canon: sun and moon, fire and water, yin and yang, Oma and Shu who found love despite their warring nations. Their individual arcs are completed in each other and complement the themes of atla beautifully.

The canon pairs... just don’t. Which, again, is fine. But the very things that give atla longevity and popularity are anchored in zutara. Kat@ang doesn’t accomplish this. They’re... nice. Sweet. Especially when you erase a good portion of their interactions in S3. It could’ve been just a sweet love story. (Personally, the dynamic between toph and aang accomplish the same thing that zutara does, with complementary personalities that fulfill the theme of opposites blending in harmony) M@iko, on the other hand, is less sweet but I think wasn’t even supposed to last. Zuko’s relationship with Mai seems to represent his relationship with his old life as a whole. He can’t be emotionally vulnerable, he’s goaded into abusing his privileges, his agency and opinions aren’t respected. They just don’t have common ground with which to discuss anything that matters, so they don’t. As far as themes, the relationship doesn’t fit with atla. It’s zuko returning to and sticking with what is (on the surface) like him, what’s expected. Fire nation with fire nation. Fluid water bender with the flexible air bender. Like with like, separated from what is different and challenging and complementary.

And all of these things combined of course lead to the potential for the ship. I don’t know how familiar you are with the post-atla canon but... well, miss “I will never turn my back on people who need me”, miss “I don’t want to heal! I want to fight!” ends up living quietly in the SWT as a designated healer who turns a blind eye to the water tribe civil war happening right outside her front door. Which can be fine! People change! Some people just wanna stay inside. I just wanna stay inside! But the potential future for zutara is so much more satisfying, with Katara becoming the most unconventional Fire Lady the uppity old cads who are stuck on the old ways have ever seen. Fanon has her serving as a voice for the other nations within a kingdom at the point of its biggest political upheaval, as a confidante to Zuko who can actually help him while he’s trying to figure out how to move forward and make reparations. They have the opportunity, together, to accomplish what they both have set on their hearts to fight for: positive change that lends itself to harmony and balance. And the steambabies! A popular headcanon is that their firstborn daughter, the crown princess, is actually a waterbender, which causes such an uproar among the people who are adamantly clinging to the old ways. It’s just a future full of potential to be forces for good together, full of trust, intimacy, joy. The exact era of peace and love and balance that zuko announces that he intends to ring in with the start of his reign as Fire Lord is, again, magnified by the very personal zutara relationship. And we love to see it.

tl;dr zutara isn’t for everyone. Some people just don’t vibe with it. Some are nostalgic. Some love the canon they grew up with. Some have been disappointed for years. Some just see themselves in other characters and want their happiness instead. Whatever the reason, that’s fine. But for me, I love the way these two, from the moment they give each other a fair chance, are able to lower their walls and prejudices to see the other for the kindred spirits they are. They see each other’s humanity, and their response is to pour out love and support and compassion. I love that they’re a power couple in battle. I love the symbolism and, honestly, soulmatism that colors their every interaction. I love that they embody the whole storyline of atla in their relationship and how it develops, which is notably why their seasonal arcs always culminate in each finale with how they relate to one another. I love that zuko adopting a waterbending move is what actually saves his life and then katara’s. I love the chemistry! And I love the future they could’ve had, instead of the ones they were given.

So, in conclusion: I just think they’re neat and I hope you do too, at least a little bit. Even if it’s just respectfully from a disinterested distance cause you do you. And now here is the video I mentioned. I’m sorry this post got so long and then I gave you an even longer homework assignment, but I can’t recommend it enough. She says it all better than I can.

[billiedeanhwrd]

when i fell you were there, with your hands in the air

cordelia goode x fem!reader

summary: your depression is hitting you harder than most days, cordelia comforts you 🤍

warnings: depression, slight mention of childhood trauma, it's angsty mental health fluff basically

word count: 1.7k

a/n: this is my first ever fanfic and i'm very very nervous about it, so pls don't be too harsh, constructive criticism is very much welcome though!! also i'm sorry about any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language. i also have to add that this was very much self indulgent and based on my own experience with depression, so if you don't relate, that's fine, everyone experiences it differently. I hope you enjoy it tho, have fun reading <3

today was one of those days again. one of those days where everything seemed grey and pointless. one of those days where taking a shower was too exhausting. one of those days where it didn't matter if you left your clothes on the floor or a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. one of those days where you isolated yourself. one of those days that seemed to return to you every morning for almost 3 weeks now.

you had been struggling with depression for years now and attending therapy regularly still didn't take away from the embarrassment you felt about your illness. cordelia didn't know, you didn't want to burden her with your subjectively "silly" problems. It wasn't easy hiding something so life consuming from your lover, but whenever you were with her you felt as though you could reach for the stars and there was no point in ruining happy moments with sad stories.

Whenever you felt really depressed and unable to function, you isolated yourself. Cordelia and you had been together for 7 months now and the first time she thought she had done something wrong which had resulted in you needing space from her, but when she confronted you, you reassured her that sometimes you needed some time to yourself because you were a more introverted person. While that might be true, you wanted nothing more than for her to take you into her arms and tell you everything was going to be okay again, but the fear of possibly burdening the already very busy supreme held you back from confessing what was weighing you down.

you were used to this already, you always kept your darkness to yourself, too afraid of being too much or being abandoned by your loved ones, while the rational side of you knew that the people in your life who truly meant something to you would never abandon you because of your chronic depression, anxiety left no room for rationality.

you were always feeling kind of down, but some days it was easier to cope and enjoy your day despite that... and then there were those phases where you felt unusually down, those phases that caused you to isolate yourself and wait for the storm to pass in solitude. They usually lasted only a few days or maximum a week, but this one had been going on for much longer. cordelia was worried, you had never needed so much "alone time to recharge your social battery", but she didn't want to overstep your boundaries and possibly push you away, because what you weren't aware of was that cordelia too struggled with abandonment issues and fearing she would be "too much" (which she could never be for you, you adored every single second you could spend in the blonde witch's presence).

After leaving multiple text messages and trying to call you, only to be greeted by your voicemail, cordelia took it upon herself to see what was going on with you. The knocking on your door would've usually startled you, but you had just ordered a pizza, too tired to prepare a meal yourself and assumed the delivery was faster than they had stated on their website. your jaw fell open and the door was quickly closed again, shit shit shit, what am i supposed to do now? the place looks like a mess, i can't let cordelia se-

"y/n can you open the door please?" she asked in her gentle voice. "Uh, yeah, give me a second" you replied, hastily throwing on a hoodie that had been lying around on your couch, coincidentally that hoodie being one you stole from cordelia a few weeks ago, something that made your girlfriend's heart warm up a little and relieve her of some of the worried thoughts she had that this might be your way of signaling to her that you no longer wished to be in a relationship with her.

"can we talk? i haven't seen you in three weeks and you haven't answered any of my texts... what's going on? you know you can talk to me about anything..."

"uhm, yes, of course. sit down, make yourself at home, would you like anything to drink?"

"no, thank you, i just want to talk to you"

you didn't have the energy to lie to the woman who held your heart in her hands anymore, you were terrified of her reaction, not only to you being mentally ill but also to you hiding it for so long.

"i'm so sorry delia, please don't be mad", you anxiously stuttered out. cordelia grabbed your hand and smiled reassuringly, signaling for you to continue talking.

"I didn't tell you before because i know you've already got so much going on with the academy and i didn't want to pile onto that with my irrelevant issues... I was diagnosed with depression amongst other things a few years ago, it's something i have to deal with every day and some days are easier than others, but sometimes it all comes crashing down on me and i feel like i'm lost in an ocean of a sadness so powerful, i can feel the pain on my body. I know it can be challenging to be close to someone with severe mental issues and I understand if you don't want to continue being with me, i would never want you to stay with me because you pity me or because you're afraid i'd do something to myself if you'd left, you're not responsible for my feelings or actions and i would never want to impose you with such a burden and-"

you stopped rambling when you noticed the tears flowing down cordelia's cheeks.

your eyes widened and your heart started pounding rapidly in your chest. "i'm sorry, was that too much?"

"no, no, no, no, no... it just pains me to know that you've been dealing with this on your own for such a long time because you don't value yourself enough to believe that other people might want to support you through your everyday battles. y/n, i know you, you're the girl who's always there when someone else needs a shoulder to cry on, anytime, anyplace, you always go out of your way to make others feel seen and accepted, why would you ever think that you don't deserve the kindness you so openly give to others?"

now it was you who was crying, cordelia was right, you didn't value yourself enough to believe that. you didn't actively think of yourself as less than others but that thought always unconsciously motivated the way you dealt with the things that were bothering you.

cordelia patted her lap, signaling for you to sit on her lap and come into her arms. you hesitated though, you weren't used to being so vulnerable and open with your emotions and it scared the shit out of you. you feared cordelia was possibly annoyed at you and was only doing this to get it over with and then get out. she watched you, while you were anxiously deciding what your next move would be, her heart broke for you, you looked like a scared baby dear when all she wanted to do was to comfort you.

"baby, look at me"

her chocolate colored eyes were so full of love, simply looking into them managed to get your heart rate down.

"it's okay, i'm not mad at you for talking about your feelings and all i want to do right now is to hug some of your pain away, so please, let me hold you"

you melted at her gentle words and understanding nature, cordelia was an incredibly smart woman, who went through traumatic things herself and even from that little information you shared, she understood you. she saw her younger self in you, so incredibly lonely but oh, so scared of being vulnerable with another person, due to the emotional abuse her mother subjected her to, and while she might not have gone through the same things you did, she felt like she understood your feelings in this exact moment and she wanted nothing more than to make you feel safe with her.

you slowly crawled into her lap, still afraid this was all a trick to hurt you, but when she started combing through your hair and reassuringly whispering "i've got you" and "you're here with me, i promise you, you're safe", you relaxed into her arms.

after about half an hour of laying there with each other, calming down and enjoying the other one's warmth, you spoke up.

"delia?"

"yes, my love?"

"so you're not leaving me?", you hesitantly asked.

cordelia sat up and looked straight in your eyes while asking "would you leave someone you love because they're depressed?"

"no, never"

"then tell me, sweetheart, why would i leave you?"

her response left you speechless, you almost missed her confessing her love. "you love me?"

she hugged you tight and pressed a kiss on your forehead. "more than anything, and please, never worry about telling me about what's going on in that pretty little head of yours, no matter what it is, i wanna know, okay?"

you let out the breath you didn't know you were holding and confidently replied "okay"

a few minutes passed before you spoke up again when you remembered you didn't say those 3 special words back.

"i love you too, by the way"

cordelia smiled lovingly and stood up to reach out for your hand and pull you up. "i know, now let's go to bed, we can clean up this place tomorrow"

you accepted her helping hand and engulfed her in a hug. the way she so naturally used the word "we" and didn't seem to mind helping you clean up your mess of an apartment made you more emotional than you'd like to admit.

And while you knew this would not be the last time you were overwhelmed by your depression, you now knew that you could count on the woman who loved you to stand by your side and help you get through even your hardest day.

[sk-lumen]

Need serious advice about setting boundaries or communicating when dealing with a person who:

Is a parent

Has unhealthy communication methods -- it takes very little for them to start full-blown screaming, shouting out all your 'negative' things/mistakes/past, can continue to scream-criticise you even after you've gone silent, for WHOLE MINUTES even if you've shut up, will not accept anything that even hints at them making a mistake

You can't trust since childhood coz u made the mistake of confiding in them with a serious issue as a young teen --- mental related --- and they belittled and invalidated you, and since then pretended you never confided in them and have NO IDEA how you've been coping without them or ANYone else for years... Yeah thanks, parent, what u said back then made me think I was the one at fault and so I stopped trusting even friends coz yeah, when ur own parent doesn't give a damn, why would anyone else?

Is a master at silent treatments without explaining what EXACTLY they're punishing you for, then when theyre in the mood, will start talking to you as if they hadn't ignored you for days. Lol I'd rather be water boarded I think. Especially for all the damage this caused when I was a child

Won't openly talk about what they want, yet expects ALL FHE TIME others (in the family) to know what they want, then will complain/scream/angry for AGES about how no one cares, no one gives a damn... And when someone asks them what they want, they either say: nothing, or "you should know! Can't u see?"

Upon asking them to please talk normally, will blow a fuse, and lose it --- happened multiple times today

Literally will use me as a scape goat to unleash their frustrations upon. Even when I leave the room, I can hear them b*tch about how much of a failure I am etc. The trigger being anything that bothers them, from a phone call to something other siblings did, bla bla. I limit my time with them... But it's like, it feels impossible to have them treat me normally, without ridiculing or criticising me. I'm already a very low self esteem person... This doesn't help AT ALL

In short, refuse to tell/ask/discuss important stuff, and getting mad randomly that no one read their mind, bcoz everyone's 'old enough to have enough sense' to know what they 'should' do... Eg will not pikc up the phone when we call them from the store to ask when what the needed isn't available, so what other alternative can we get... And then when we get home, will instead blame us for being fussy and not getting the alternative, completelt skirting around the issue they didn't deign to pick up the phone... I mean, I don't get it. In the past I HAVE in fact asked them to just openly tell me what they want/expect from me to make them happy... Got passive aggressive answers like "don't you know? Are you dumb?" Bla bla

Passive aggressive to the max when they've lost it

Expect me to drop anything I'm doing and immediately cater to them, and expect me to help them in their hobbies (while simultaneously, as I learned many years ago to much heartache, not being interested or even pretending to be interested in my hobbies. The disinterest taught me very quickly how much what I wanted meant, leading to years of self-invalidation. Luckily I've learned it really is them, not me. My hobbies are valid)

Will not talk about why they're feeling angry, what causes it. Instead will blame me, who's like the golden scapegoat in our amazing family, by saying :YOU made me negative. They've said it many times now... It hurts a lot, when I'm also struggling with my own issues which I ofc can't confide in them about :)

Today I manned up -- the outburst of hatred happened again! Over a simple thing. It was NIGHTMARE and made me angry/sad/frustrated/triggered---, and so I told them to stop talking like that... Boy was that the wrong thing to say... I don't think I can accurately tell u what happened afterwards...

Usually children learn communication skills from the parents... I at least learned to recognize the unhealthy ones, and what NOT to communicate like lol. Like, other parent is even worse, believe it or not. But that's another complex situation

I'm not bashing on the parent. Lord knows I even have that much of a right huh? I hate myself eveb more when they invalidate me if I try to show how MUCH THEY HURT me after a 'communication session'. As in, heaven forbid me if I BE SILENT afterwards and DON'T wanna listen to their retardation. Nope. Even then they provoke me, rage at me, you know how sometimes enraged people hiss vitriol thru gritted teeth? Yeah, that's what they did today after I stayed silent and tried to ignore them an hour later after the 'session' when they wabted something. It's like they don't even need me to say a word and will carry on and on for minutes 🤢

I feel alone, helpless and at a loss what to do

I want to move out. Due to severe mental issues I can't even move out rn coz it scares me even more. But this has to stop. Things are only okay if I'm absolutely passive, say yes to whatever they want, kill my wants and needs, and become a perfect robot bred to cater to them (parent)

I hope you can help me out, dear

Hi darling,

It sounds like you’re in a considerably toxic environment. I'm sorry you're going through this. Know that this is not normal, nor is it how a parent/child relationship should be. In case there's any doubt, let me start by saying you deserve to be supported, respected, listened to, to have your needs met. You deserve to live in an environment that offers you all of these things.

With that being said, from the many scenarios you’ve mentioned you’ve already tried reasoning and setting boundaries, to no avail. There is only so much you can do on your own, if the other person in the equation is not meeting halfway or at all. After all, a healthy conversation involves two people, not just one.

Here's my advice, in this order:

Calmly and maturely asking the respective parent to have a serious discussion with you and to listen to what you have to say. Share how their actions and behaviour is making you feel, let them know you care, and make sure to mention several solutions for the issue as well. If this doesn’t work…

Bring up the subject of needing help from outside, such as the assistance of a specialist/therapist. Family counselling can shed a lot of light on toxic behaviours that are ingrained from childhood (both in their case and yours), on fears your parent may have, stress from their work, whatever is causing their outbursts and anger - because there is always a reason. Behind anger is sadness, and behind sadness is some need not being met, or an underlying fear, trauma, etc. This is not a justification for their behaviour, they are responsible for it; this is simply the fact of how energy dynamics work. People bottle up their frustrations, fears, etc, and let them out on those closest to them, to whom they feel superior. It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy, but it is frequently how this pattern works. If this solution doesn’t work either…

Then unfortunately, all you can do is focus on yourself. If they refuse to meet you anywhere along the road, you have to pack up your things and go your own way. Literally or metaphorically. They may be your parent and you may love them even in spite of their behaviour, but you cannot hold yourself responsible for anything they say or do; that is on them. In those cases, you have to prioritize your own mental health and wellbeing, and focus on moving out. If your (home) environment is toxic, you have to focus on first changing it. That’s vital. Only afterwards can you start healing, refinding yourself, reclaiming your self-esteem and confidence, your sense of worth. As long as you stay stuck in a toxic environment, you cannot really heal; if there is abuse of any kind (physical, mental, emotional), the causes are still there, leading to re-traumatizing.

If for whatever reason moving out is not (yet) an option, I would emphasize seeking some sort of counselling for yourself, if nothing else. You need an anchor, some sort of support that will help you along your path until you do get out.

Now, I don’t know how old you are. I am going to assume you are over 18 and of age, so only mind my advice if that is the case. (As disclaimer, I don't provide advice to minors as it's not the scope of my blog nor am I specialized/focused on that area.)

I understand moving out seems scary because it is unknown, but with that line of thought you may wait another 10 years in the same situation. Wouldn’t you wake up 10 years later already having done the hard work on moving out, finding your independence, claiming your sense of individuality and moving on from this sort of environment, this phase in your life?

Sooner is better than later, but do so with mindfulness and care over your mental health, of course. I know it’s scary. But being an adult requires some difficult decisions at times, and setting boundaries begins with choosing your wellbeing and doing what needs to be done, even if it is something uncomfortable short-term, but highly rewarding and beneficial long-term.

Hope this helps... and wishing you much luck, clarity, gentle guidance and comfort.✨

PS: Lately I've been receiving longer and longer letters in my inbox. As solution, I was thinking of having longer asks/letters redirected to my blog where there isn't any length limit, and readers can more comfortably browse both my tumblr and blog - and those requesting advice can share and receive a more in-depth response.

-Lumen

[supermiraculousladybug]

The Disturbing Dark Truth about Cat Noir.

Cat Noir is the loveable dorky flirtatious jokester from Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir who loves to flirt with Ladybug and making her laugh by using jokes and puns but is he really a jokester or is he using jokes and puns as a coping mechanism to escape the abuse , neglect , cruel and harsh world he's born in? But whatever it is it's obvious that everything in Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir is nothing but a figment of Cat Noir's imagination and is actually an abused mentally unstable boy with special needs who sees the world differently than others due to having a childish-like personality and sorta kinda behavior.

Family Life Income.

Born to a prostitute with an unknown father, Cat Noir comes from a lesser fortune poor family who are struggling to make ends meet and making money. He's an complete opposite Adrien Agreste who lives a life of luxury and wealth while Cat Noir lives a life of slums and poverty but growing up in a ghetto-like town side of Paris wasn't easy it's full nothing but violence , rape , robbery , burglary , aggravated assault , total violent crimes , motor vehicle theft , total property crimes , battery , prostitution , street gang , kidnapping , sex trafficking , child trafficking , street gang violence , bribery , fraud , racketeering , drug trafficking and vandalism but it's sad to see Cat Noir grew up in a horrible neighborhood side of Paris where this "village" is one of the worse shanty town neighborhoods that evolved ghetto crimes which it gave Cat Noir paranoid trauma for life.

Clothing , home life and house.

Clothing.

Since Cat Noir grew up in the slums of Paris, his mother barely could afford clothes so she made his clothing from a left over fabric from a trash can and gave him her old clothes which surprisingly it fits him. So technically he shares clothes with his mother but it's sometimes he wears his dad's old clothes. His mother is a seamstress so it makes sense she made Cat Noir's clothes.

Home life.

Cat Noir comes from an abusive household where it's just him and his younger half brother, Connor get punished by their mother because they're both born male and look like their fathers but it's just their mother but sometimes their stepfather would beat them because he dislike their fathers and both Cat Noir and Connor look like their dads thus their stepfather abused them physically.

House.

Cat Noir lives in a small shack house that is a mixture between a cabin and a cottage that is located in a Western Shanty town, one of the worst ghetto neighborhood in Paris , France. In the Western Shanty town, they have cheaper old wireless TVs from either the 90s or 70s and have old TV show programs from 1920s-late 1990s but for cartoons from 1910s-late 1990s as well. Cat Noir and his family slept on an old abandoned dirty mattresses that are so uncomfortable to lay on and often the children (mainly Cat Noir) gets bed bug bites at night. Cat Noir and his family sat on old abandoned couch but mainly his mother get stoned and drunk on that couch.

Forced child labor.

From age 9-12, Cat Noir was forced to be a sex slave stripper against his will but he was taken out of school by forcedly "dropping out" during the 4th grade and ever since then the principle of Françoise Dupont Elementary School was and still wondering why Cat Noir wasn't at school like he's suppose to be. Then he was sold to Copycat, a pedophile neighbor who has sexual fantasies of Cat Noir and sexually abusing him but Copycat a lot of horrible things and stuff to Cat Noir

Molesting Cat Noir.

Raping Cat Noir.

Giving Cat Noir bruises , scars , chafing or bite marks and bleeding in/on his genital area.

Masturbating Cat Noir's teeny weeny peeny.

Smacking Cat Noir's bottom in sexual way.

Forcing Cat Noir to dress up as a french maid for sexual purposes.

Forcing Cat Noir to be in bed with him.

Removing Cat Noir's clothes so he can just have "fun" with him.

Turning Cat Noir from a sex slave to a house slave.

Raping Cat Noir in his sleep causing his insomnia to be worsen up badly.

Touching Cat Noir inappropriately from his whole body to his teeny weeny peeny.

Using sexual punishments on Cat Noir.

Using erotic spanking on Cat Noir's bottom for sexual purposes.

And Smacking Cat Noir's bottom as a form of sexual harassment.

Due to this harassment it causes Cat Noir to be extremely afraid of adult men because of the fear that they could sexually abused and harassed him even tho they're not gonna do it but Cat Noir was and is traumatized by this experiences it made him think they would do it without excepting it but he didn't want to be around grown men and not even his male aids he can't trust but everytime a grown men sit next to Cat Noir, he would cry because he amused they would molest him.

"Operation saving Cat Noir from a child molester"

In October of 2013, 12-year-old Marinette Dupain-Cheng was looking for the 10th and last child to be sold to a pedophile but it was no luck, until a random guy shows up to Marinette and tell her where that kid is but once she found him passed out on the floor, it turns out he's the boy that Ladybug was talking about and he was wearing a black tank crop top-like shirt and a blacker granny panties-like undergarments although he was underweight and severely malnourished. After Marinette notice the poor living conditions Cat Noir was in, she decide to take Cat Noir to the hospital immediately to get medical attention, once she and Cat Noir got to the hospital everyone knew Cat Noir was one of 10 children who were sold to pedophiles by their parents for money and were sexually abused. When Cat Noir woke up in a hospital bed, he sees Marinette and went speechless because he didn't know how to interact with people very well and Cat Noir mistaken Marinette for Ladybug because she and Ladybug looked like and because Cat Noir is insane-like crazy, he's unable to know the difference so it went like this

Cat Noir after he woke up: *seeing Marinette* Ladybug?

Marinette: no i'm not Ladybug🤔.

Cat Noir: *confused* then who are you?

Marinette: my name is Marinette Dupain-Cheng, what's your name?

Cat Noir: *realizing* wait Marinette as in Marinette Dupain-Cheng, daughter of the best baker in Paris?

Marinette: yes

Cat Noir: nice to meet you Marinette🙂😄😊.

Marinette: same here😁.

Cat Noir: well then i'm Cat Noir Athanase Blake-Kyle.

Marinette: *realizing* wait your Cat Noir? As in Cat Noir Athanase Blake-Kyle, son of a seamstress prostitute?

Cat Noir: *sigh* yes I'm the son of a hooker who steals your man for no reason😓.

Marinette: so what's with the outfit you were wearing?

Cat Noir: I work as a stripper and a sex slave😣😖😟😫.

Marinette: why?

Cat Noir: to help my mom make ends meet.

Marinette: I get it but why as a stripper or sex slave?

Cat Noir: I had no choice but to be a sex slave stripper and because my mom wanted me to work in the sex industry due to me having a material of being someone's object or toy.

Marinette: so what you're basically someone's property or something?

Cat Noir: yes i'm nothing but everyone's "favorite" little toy to "play" and have "fun" with.

Marinette: were you uncomfortable with it?

Cat Noir: honestly yes because I don't wanna hook up with someone I don't know for money.

Marinette: so you were forced to do this against your will?

Cat Noir: yes exactly that's what it is.

Cat Noir: *bursting into tears* then 3 years ago, I was 9 years old when my mom sold me to an artist for money😭.

Marinette: wait how old are you now?

Cat Noir: *stops crying and sniff* I just turn 12 not so long ago.

Marinette: i'm 12 too.

Cat Noir: wait so we're the same age then?

Marinette: yeah

Cat Noir: What a coincidence.

Marinette: We're born in the same year but just 2 months apart.

Cat Noir: What do you mean by "we're born in the same year but just 2 months apart"?

Cat Noir: When is your birthday?

Marinette: My birthday is on July 22, 2001 and yours?

Cat Noir: interesting my is on September 25, 2001.

Cat Noir: *realizing* you're right we're born 2 months apart.

Marinette: that's right

Cat Noir: What does it mean?

Marinette: it means i'm 2 months older than you and you're 2 months younger than me.

Cat Noir: make sense

Cat Noir: But I was born 2 months premature.

Marinette: What do you mean "2 months premature"?

Cat Noir: I was originally suppose to be born on November 25, 2001 but I came out 2 months premature.

Marinette: Oh so you're a preemie?

Cat Noir: yes

Cat Noir: *arms and legs starting to shake uncontrollably*

Marinette: are you okay?

Cat Noir: *arms and legs still shaking uncontrollably* yeah why?

Marinette: because why are your arms and legs shaking-like crazy?

Cat Noir: *arms and legs still shaking uncontrollably-like crazy hard* sorry I have tremors.

Marinette: Tremors?

Cat Noir: Yeah I still have tremors since birth but sometimes i'll get seizures.

Marinette: Oh that it explains while we were on our way to the hospital, your whole body and head was shaking for 3 minutes.

Marinette: *realizes while reading facts on the article called "Crack babies" on the internet* are you a crack baby or something?

Cat Noir: Crack baby?

Marinette: Yeah are you?

Cat Noir: What's a crack baby?

Marinette: A crack baby is a baby born to a crack addict mother who used crack cocaine during pregnancy.

Marinette but you're a 12-year-old boy who still have seizures and tremors.

Marinette: so I guess you're a crack kid.

Cat Noir: What's a crack kid?

Marinette: A crack kid is when a mother who smokes crack while having a kid, when the kid is born it will be a crack baby/retarded or have problems.

Marinette: So that's what you are, a crack kid because your mother smoke crack cocaine while she was carrying you in the womb.

Cat Noir: it's not the only thing have because of my mommy's neglection action.

Marinette: What do you mean?

Cat Noir: mommy is not just a drug addict but she's also an alcoholic and smoker too.

Marinette: I look at a picture of your brain and I realize your brain is small , malformed , severely damaged and is permanent damage in your brain.

Then after that Marinette took care of Cat Noir in the hospital by being a mother figure towards him with her maternal instincts because it is something Cat Noir's mother never done before since she always ignoring him and Cat Noir needed a good parental figures and guidance in his life due to having bad parents, he doesn't know better but then again Marinette knew Cat Noir has a hard time understanding other people and everything around him in general.

Cat Noir is an autistic individual who can't understand everyone's social cues very well due to lack of interaction he barely had. Cat Noir was diagnosed with Low-functioning Autism , Asperger's Syndrome and Severe Autism or Level 3 Autism since he was 5 weeks old and due to his diagnosis, he has troubles of looking people in the eye , having interacting with others , living up to everyone's expectations of him what he should or shouldn't do including Ladybug's expectation of him how he should or shouldn't act when he's in public or when it comes to Ladybug forcing him , understanding boundaries or personal space , asking people what he wants or permission or where he wants to go , understanding sarcasm , when other people's jokes or when they're joking or when others don't understand his jokes.

Is Ladybug really convinctive , manipulative and abusive towards Cat Noir?

Ladybug and Cat Noir have been friends since 3rd grade but as they got older it was Ladybug who outgrown Cat Noir because she's more mature than Cat Noir due to him being immature , childish and baby-like but one of her other friends told Ladybug she's better off with someone who's more mature not someone who's baby-like person who can't handle "big kids" stuff and she frequently prefers hanging out with mature guys than Cat Noir so she decide to avoid Cat Noir at all cost and she forced him to grow up to act his age so their so called "friendship" isn't ruined in fact she verbally abused him for not maturing and acting his age in which Ladybug would yell at him and insulting his baby-like personality. Ladybug convinced Cat Noir his imaginations are real and she does it so often that the more she convinces him, the more Cat Noir believes it but then it got to the point where Cat Noir thinks everything he believes in his imaginations are a reality. Through every episodes of Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir, Ladybug gets easily annoyed with Cat Noir's childish-babyish personality even tho he acts like a child or baby at times, he can't help it and be he's pressured to be "normal" , "average" and "perfect" that it's starting to stressed him out. In the New York special, Ladybug is excited to go to New York City with her classmates for French-American Friendship Week but she realizes she needs to tell Cat Noir about her absence and she gave cat plush toy with a ladybug-printed remote bottom on it but Cat Noir presses the remote button several times in excitement, making the toy in Ladybug's hand squeak and he presses the remote button again which it made Ladybug groan in annoyance. But when Cat Noir was in New York City, Ladybug was angry at him because he's suppose to be in Paris and is too insane-like crazy to come due to the risk of being put into a mental asylum or hospital.

Altho this is a big theory, it's obvious Cat Noir has a problem and why it seems unreal so I hope like it.

[iamshurjohned]

:D why yes i will!

"Sherlock, please don't do this!"

"I'm sorry John...goodbye."

John sat bolt upright as he watched the body of his friend hit the pavement. It wasn't exactly how it happened but it had been traumatic enough that he had made up parts in his mind and dreamed about it for weeks.

He laid back and looked over at Mary who lay soundly sleeping and he frowned deeply. He couldn't keep up pretense anymore. With a heavy sigh he went down into the kitchen and made breakfast.

Breaking up with her was easier than he thought. It seemed she had started to see his distance and really only stayed because she feared for his safty. She left and they agreed to be friends, but John had a deeper confession.

For this he went to his therapist. But it wasn't quite as easy as he thought it would be.

"Tell me what you're feeling John. You seem to be more affected by Sherlock's death now more than ever."

He inhaled deeply.

"I think I'm ready."

"Ready for what?"

"To say all those bloody things i wanted to say to him. In just the moment before he..."

Tears came to his eyes and he closed them, leaning his head back.

"Right bastard."

"It's okay to let it out John. You really need to. If you keep bottling it up, you're going to explode."

He gave a snort through his tears and dropped his head into his hand.

"I've exploded. I shot the wall. I screamed. I broke every piece of glass i owned. It's been so bloody hard not to explode. I bought a junk car and destroyed it. But the worst....the worst is the dreams. Sometimes i stop him. Sometimes i tell him everything..."

He was breaking down. How could she understand?

"So...what did you want to say to him? Call his phone and leave a voicemail if it hasn't been cut off yet."

He thought about this for a moment before nodding. He pulled out his phone and let it go to voicemail, cracking again as he heard the voice. The voice he couldn't get out of his head.

"Sherlock..."

He began in a happy tone.

"Oh god who am i trying to kid? I hate you. I loathe you. You took my pieces and you fixed me. And then when i was used to being whole you..."

He hung up and called back.

"I'm sorry Sherlock...what i meant to say is...i love you. I love your voice. And your hands and your hair and the stupid smile you give me when you think I'm being dumb..."

He looked at her. Surely it was her job to be open minded.

"More than that Sherlock...I'm IN love with you. You can't jump off that building because i NEED you. And if you do this...I'll never forgive you because it'll break me into unfixable pieces. Without you in my life i will shrivel and die."

He hung up and called back.

"Sherlock listen. I'm sitting here in my therapists office having a disgusting break down. With tears and snot and red faced. I broke it off with Mary. She's okay. And I'm glad someone is because you're gone and you'll never hear this. And you'll never know how much better you made me. And you are a right bastard for not knowing before. I gave you all of the hints i could think of. I get it. You're married to your work but god...damn it Sherlock, don't you realize there are ten thousand people who love you. And I'm stupid because i thought i was special. I wanted to be better than all of them. And i can't get your voice out of my head...that's it...that's all i wanted to say. Goodbye..."

Sherlock was in tears as he listened to these messages. He looked up at Molly who nodded in understanding.

John tried so hard to move on. He dated a string of men and women but they all reminded him of Sherlock and he couldn't keep a solid one more than one or two dates. And here he sat, trying to pay attention to the attractive blond in front of him but she had lost his interest nearly as soon as she began talking.

"Hello."

A painfully fake French accent greeted.

"What can i get you to drink this evening?"

He started to answer before he looked up and his blood ran cold. First he felt so shocked he thought he might pass out right there. And then relief. Sherlock wasn't dead after all. And finally a rage he had been supressing for a long time. He stood.

"You cheeky son of a bitch! How dare you come back into my life now?!"

Before Sherlock had a second to respond. John had hit him in the side of the head. He blacked out for a few seconds until several people had grabbed him. Sherlock lay on the ground with his arms over his head. He hadn't had time for defence.

John stood there breathing hard as he stared at him.

"Did you hear them?"

His tone was surprisingly even.

"John just please hear me out."

John tried to break free of them.

"DID. YOU. HEAR. THEM?!"

Sherlock sat up slowly, tears now filling his eyes as he was helped to his feet.

"I did. Thirty times. But i did what i had to, to keep you safe."

And John broke. He crumbled at Sherlock's feet.

"I'm sorry....I'm so sorry."

Sherlock took a deep breath and waved away the police before kneeling to John. He wrapped his arms around him and kissed his head softly.

"John...Moriarty had things set in place that would see worse than death for you. If i didn't die...i...I'm sorry it had to be like this. But please, let's go home. We can talk more there. "

John struggled to his feet and nodded, giving an apologetic glance to the now terrified girl he'd been with.

Once back at the flat John really let him have it. He screamed and cried and punched the couch cushion. And he fell on his knees in horrendous sobs and he paced the floor like the devil himself was chasing him.

And Sherlock remained silent, listening to everything John had to say. And he comforted his tears and apologized for his rage, and held the cushion up for John to hit. And when he was exhausted, a sobbing mess on the floor, it was Sherlock's turn to speak.

He got down on John's level and took his face into his hands and looked into his blurry red eyes.

"John. I'm sorry i hurt you. I'm a horrible man. I manipulated you and i tortured you. I did not enjoy it one bit. But i won't apologize for keeping you safe. Since you confessed to me..."

He closed his eyes, resting his head to John's as his own tears began again.

"I fell in love with you instantly. But you're right. I am married to my job. I deny myself love so that i don't have weaknesses. But Moriarty discovered it. He found out how much i love you. How i would die for you and he tested me. He wanted to see if it was real. "

John pulled back and looked at him. He stared at the gaunt broken face of a man who had slept even less and not eaten in months. And he took a deep breath.

"Sherlock..."

He gently touched the quickly forming bruise on the side of his head and frowned as he flinched.

"Can you forgive me John?"

John didn't answer at first, only slowly taking Sherlock's hands. He leaned forward and kissed him deeply. Sherlock didn't pull away and afterwards they sat there on the floor of 221b and held each other, silently crying into each other. Finally john broke the silence with a half hearted chuckle.

"So. Shall we have dinner in? I don't know about you but I've cried myself into starvation. "

Sherlock snorted and sat back, resting an arm over his bent knee and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.

"There you go againJohn, always thinking with your stomach. You should try your brain sometime, it might surprise you. "

John chuckled and got up.

"Prick."

Sherlock laughed and lit the cigarette as he got up. They went outside and shared it as they talked. John apologized multiple times but Sherlock just waved him off.

"You know what I'm thankful for John? The best thing that's come out of this?"

John looked up, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. It was like they had never been apart.

"What's that?"

Where Sherlock would normally say something off the wall or funny, or even shocking, this time he looked John directly in the eyes.

"That there's so much light in my future. Because I'll be able to openly share it with you. I will be able to tell you i love you and wake you up with kisses."

"And sex?"

Sherlock chuckled.

"And sex."

John took a deep breath and put it out on the railing.

"What i really think the best thing was coming to realize all too late how i felt, and then having a second chance to not screw it up. I'm never going to be with anyone else because no one else is ever going to be Sherlock Holmes. "

Sherlock kissed him for a long moment before they went back in.

"Dinner out."

Sherlock said as he started up the stairs.

"Friend of mine owes me a bet. Free dinner for the both of us."

John laughed and after they changed, they took hands and walked to the little place they had their first real conversation. That night they shared the first meal together, both knowing now that they would never be lonely again.

[ase-trollplays]

✨ 🌱 💀 💛 Ruvlin

[ ✨ ] what aesthetics or symbols do you reference when writing your muse? are these backed up by canon, if your muse comes from a canon? is there any specific relevance to these choices?

I don't really have a set aesthetic or symbol for him, actually. Writing him comes more from a feeling than anything else.

[ 🌱 ] what themes are relevant to your muse?

Regret, resignation, and moving on from the past. He's got a lot of baggages and skeletons in his closet that he's just gotten used to lugging around. Despite all the time that's gone by, he's still pretty stuck on his past, what he lost, what he's done, and the regrets that came with them. the character arc I want for him is one of recovery and moving on from the things in his past that still haunt him.

[ 💀 ] has your muse gone through anything traumatic? if so, how has this trauma affected them?

OOOHHH YEAH. Killing his lusus, mysteriously and suddenly losing the two most important people in his life with no closure, all the charges he's killed in order to take their lusii. As a result of everything, he's completely unrecognizable from who he used to be, and he's highkey depressed about his life and his choices.

[ 💛 ] how empathetic is your muse? how compassionate are they? is this something people expect from them, or are people surprised when they find out how compassionate or empathetic they actually are?

His compassion has taken a beating over the sweeps. After several sweeps of having to kill people's parents and sometimes the people themselves, he's gotten jaded to the misfortune of others. His compassion seldom goes beyond "Wow, that sucks, I'm sorry" unless he's really close to the person involved.

Despite that, he has a shit ton of empathy. Having gone through his fair share of misfortune himself, he can pretty easily put himself in someone else's shoes and pick up on their feelings almost exactly.

PROMPTS I’D LIKE TO RECEIVE, PART 1.

[withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus]

Gonna talk about personal here regarding having sex. And etc.

I never had any romantic relationship, but had one experience (like sexting?) when I was teen to someone two years older (we've been pals for years and never do it physically). It was a thrill and I don't think I want to do it IRL, because part of me assumed it as traumatic experience, and I always afraid to look for romantic partner / starting a family of my own.

Aside sexual thing, like basically everything could ruin your marriage. I don't want it. But I'm touchstarving fellow who's weakness is keeping good relation to anyone.

I'm super envy when people goes saying how they love their partner. I want to be / have one, but I'm a coward and couldn't praise anything.

I want to take care of people, but to imagine people does it to me? Give me a break.

First off, I’d like to say I was going to answer privately to that, based on the subject, but, since it’s on anon, I am really sorry I have to post the reply like that. This is something I consider personal, therefore easier for both the person sending and myself to be open to such a conversation without fear who’s watching, judging etc. To your message, now, I too have never been into a romantic relationship before due to various reasons, some of which are based on a couple of same fears you’re describing here so, I totally understand what you mean and it’s super valid to feel that way. People keep mentioning only people who feel better not being in a relationship, or being in one and not having sex, when it comes to that subject, but not much for people like you or me, who do want the relationship part but can’t imagine themselves succeeding in keeping it strong, loving, passionate, or sth else, or even all of the above. People who’ve suffered abuse are also mentioned in such conversations, people who’ve been traumatized to try and then wish for their partners to have patience with them, as not everyone who’s been through sth like that can just “get over it“ or heal by themselves before trying a relationship with someone who shows them they deserve to be loved, or to not be afraid of abuse cause not everyone is abusive, or anything else their trauma has created in their mind and body to feel that fear. The thing is, whether it’s talked about or not, there are various reasons for people not to "feel ”able to get into a relationships or sexual contact with someone, and I use the word “feel“ loosely, because I personally think everyone is able to get into a relationship if they really want it, but fear or trauma or sth else holds them back. I am not talking about those who really don’t want it, here. Relationships are not something everyone wants and that’s okay, so anyone not into relationships here please don’t bite, that’s not what I meant.

I generalize a lot, though. To be more specific: In my opinion (which could be super wrong so please don’t take this as a fact or judgement) if part of you thinks that was a traumatizing experience for you, it is. I have experienced this myself and known people who’ve been through this before. I mean having been through something many people have and find normal, yet when you went through it, it felt scarring or even traumatic. When you go through such a feeling for something considered “normal“ you often end up thinking that maybe you are exaggerating, or that you are being oversensitive, but let me tell you what, not all people have the same limits and sensitivities. If some people are fine doing sth like that, good for them, but it’s not the same for everyone so, if you feel that hurt you, it probably did, so I think you should start from there when you think “when did i start feeling scared of getting into a relationship.“. Like you said though, there is more to that than that experience and like I said, several of these things I have felt too for my own reasons. I suck at keeping friends for a long time so i also understand your feeling unable to keep good relationships with anyone. I’ve only now started to get some balance, the last two-three years and honestly I don’t trust myself that I will manage to keep doing that. I think about it at least once a week. When I am down, it gets worse, I often find myself thinking who I should speak to and how that would affect my relationship with them because I am tired of losing friends. As for partners I have never tried but I’ve also come across people who never managed to keep friends, but have found excellent partners, so I no longer think that your ability to keep your friendships going has anything to do with your ability to keep a romantic partner or have a family. Just bringing that last one up as an example and personal observation.

I feel touchstarved a lot too, sometimes, but due to the fact I’ve also grown to dislike being touched without permission, it doesn’t bother me as much as not having someone to hold, myself. It’s like you want to give a hug but not receive it? xD Sth like that. I want to give a lot, but not necessarily receive as I too can’t imagine someone taking care of me, both due to seeing the kind of love most people enjoy (which is unfortunately not my type, but luckily that equals to me not being jealous of anyone unless I see the kind of love I am looking for, which is rare) and also because I don’t feel I deserve it. So envy is super rare for me but I do get that with all of the social media image, most people like me or like you would feel that way. If it helps in any way, try to think that those posting their love life a lot might not be showing you the bad or even real moments of their relationship. I am not saying that everyone who posts about their love all the time are fake, some people can’t stop talking about their partner when in love (been there, just with my feelings not returned), but a big percentage of them are so tell yourself that when you are feeling jealous and specify the kind of love you want and if you’d really like to have that kind of love or just love in general. It won’t solve anything but it might make you feel better.

Anyway, I am sorry I shared some advice too, I am sure you only wished to share your feelings and you already know the things I said, I didn’t say anything revolutionary anyway but please don’t give up. If it makes you feel better, start with friendships. Find people you got as many things as possible in common and try to get involved. As for partners, I don’t know what to say because I gave up on the idea long ago, but I really believe you can find someone, if that is something you want. Will it heal your fear your marriage could go to waste every single moment? No. I have the same fear, I don’t think it ever goes away. But you can always discuss it with your partner when it shows up. Now, if you are a person who dates men, it might get harder to discuss this frequently as I have noticed men find it a bit annoying when you constantly want to discuss your relationship, but if you’re into girls, I think it’s easier. Even if you don’t put yourself in a box and don’t mind such a thing, I consider women and nonbinary people more likely to discuss this often, than men, I don’t know. I guess I have lost faith in men way too much. ^^’> Again, if you wish to give up on the idea, do it, but envy is there for a reason, so I’d suggest you kept trying to find sb you like and if you do, try to be friends with them at first. You might get friendzoned yes, but in my opinion, the percentage of the possibility to be friendzoned is almost the same as that you’d get rejected at the first or one of the first dates with someone. Get to know the person you like, give yourself space to feel comfortable with them and if it is to happen it will happen. If it happens then instead of focusing on the ways everything can ruin it, focus on the ways you can save it. :) Think to yourself “what does my partner like“ and then which of those things are fine for you to do or try to show them your love. If they still leave despite your being giving, understanding etc, then they just weren’t for you. It’s not always your fault. People can be cruel. And those of them who are broken might give up on something they needed because they didn’t think they deserve it, which is why I said focus on the ways you could save it. You don’t have to force yourself though. That’s a big no. You can choose to heal inside a relationship or before getting into one. You could address to a psychologist to learn to control your fear, as well, I personally refuse to do that, but not everyone is me, so you can do as you please.

Either way, I really hope this eventually works out for you and you can always get into a relationship without expecting anything, that way you can get less hurt if it turns sours, but it can be so rewarding when you eventually realize someone is actually giving back. ^^ Give it a chance only when you are sure you can trust a person at least at 10%. Your fears won’t allow you trust them completely and your self-sabotage might get in the way so try that, if you really want to be with someone one day. Get to know them, try to see if you’d trust them and then try to make a move oooor discuss it with them, what kind of person you are looking for I mean. They might like you back if they realize what you are looking for is “similar“ to them. :3 Best of luck to you, dear. As hard as life may be and as hard as it might have hit you, don’t let it win. It’s your life, goddammit, if you want sth go after it even if you’re afraid. Courage has nth to do with being free of fear, it is being able to tell your fears you’re doing this even if you’re shaking. If it is what you want (getting in a romantic and loving relationship), then no one, not your fears, nor social media, nor society, not even God, themselves, if they exist, can tell you you cannot have it.

[asking-jude]

i cant write my full question on the website, can i just do it here? I don't want to tell my parents about my recent suicidal thoughts. The last time I did, they made me sleep in their bed, so they knew I was safe. i know that they want to take care of me, but they become very overbearing when I want to talk to them about my feelings and thoughts. It's a big reason I didn't tell them about the my sexual assault experience (that i did tell my therapist tho)

Hi Friend,

I'm saddened to hear about your experience with sexual assault. It sounds like you're going through a tough time lately, and I'm sorry that you feel like you can't talk to your parents about it. It can take time to heal from the trauma of the sexual assault, and it's normal to experience ups and downs in your progress. Suicidal thoughts are never something you should take lightly, though, and it's important you do talk to someone. It does sound like you at least have a therapist you're speaking to. Have you spoken to her about this recent uptick? 

Having suicidal thoughts can be really difficult to cope with, and individuals who are at risk for suicide really ought not to try to do it all alone. As you said, you know your parents just want to take care of you, and as a parent myself, it can be difficult to know how to give our kids autonomy and keep them safe. I know your parents would be absolutely devastated if something happened to you and the other people who love you, such as friends. 

My suggestion for you is to sit down and talk with your parents about what's been going on. Tell them what you've told me. Don't be afraid to set some boundaries. For example, tell them that you've been feeling some recent flare-ups with your mental health, but you need your space this time. Tell them that although you appreciate their concern, you don't feel comfortable sleeping in their bed, and sometimes it feels like you can't breathe with them hovering. Tell them you will be sleeping in your own bed, but you're open to discussing ways in which they can help you without making you feel like a prisoner—for example, sleeping with the door open, having them remove anything that could be used to harm yourself, etc. I also suggest mentioning that you have been talking to your therapist again (if you have), and if not, tell them you'll be setting up another appointment soon. Show them you have a safety strategy for yourself, so you don't act on your thoughts. 

If you don't feel strong enough to do that on your own, and your suicidal thoughts are overwhelming you, and you think you may seriously hurt yourself, then your parents likely have good reason to be a bit over-the-top. If you don't want your parents to monitor you, it may be necessary for an inpatient medical facility to do so. Whatever the situation is, it's vital to talk to them, another trusted adult, or even call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or call 9-1-1 or equivalent. 

As far as talking to your parents about the sexual assault. I can understand not wanting to share that traumatic and personal experience with them. But, again, using myself as an example. Parents only know how to help when their kids open up with them. And sometimes, when we see our kids suffering, especially so severely that they want to harm themselves, they will likely feel completely overwhelmed trying to understand what happened and where they went wrong. I can't tell you to tell your parents, but I can say that from experience, there is something freeing about finally opening up to your family about the deep pain you're trying to carry alone. 

I was assaulted as a child too, and it took me until I was in my early 20s to tell my Mom. I wish I had opened up sooner. One way you may find it easier to talk about is in therapy. Ask your parents to come into therapy with you, and with the help of your counselor, you can open up about what happened to you and share your feelings about them being overbearing. The counselor can assist all of you in coping with this trauma and learn how to communicate with each other better.  

It's super hard being a parent, and often we need help figuring out how to give our kids what they need. Opening up that communication line with the help of your counselor could be truly healing for everyone. 

Here are some additional resources you may find helpful:

https://www.rainn.org/articles/telling-loved-ones-about-sexual-assault

https://www.teenvogue.com/story/how-to-talk-to-parents-about-rape 

https://themighty.com/2016/12/how-to-tell-your-parents-you-want-to-die/

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org 

I hope this helped, and I hope that you get the help you need. Remember, the past doesn't own you. You have a beautiful future ahead of you, and healing will happen. Ride the wave. 

Hugs,

Emily 

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