#sometimes my doggo waking me up on a freaking sunday means this

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

Good morning queer, neurodivergent and mentally ill people inside my phone! Look, the last sunrise of this year! 💜

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. Are you related to the last person you spoke to? Yes, I was talking to my mom and brother. 2. Are your blankets normally kicked all over the place when you wake up? No. 3. Do you wear an eye mask when you go to sleep? Nope. I’ve been wanting to get one of those eye cooling sleep masks, though. I get bad headaches and cold washcloths help with those, so I figured a cooling sleeping mask would be great for that. And for when it’s hot. 4. Are family get-togethers fun or awkward for you? I like them.  5. Are any of your friends hoping to be famous one day? No.

6. What do you do if someone way too old for you hits on you? I’d decline. 7. Can you eat a whole pizza by yourself? I typically only eat 2-3 slices at a time. 8. Do you wear a lot of red clothes? No. 9. Do you lock the doors? Of course. 10. Is coffee better with or without milk? I only use milk (well soy milk) when I order lattes/mocha/macchiatos. If I order a regular coffee at like a restaurant then I use Half and Half and sugar. At home I use flavored creamer.  11. When was the last time you were at a hotel? Last weekend briefly when dropping my brother off. My mom and I went up to check out his room and stuff before we left. 12. Who would you kiss right now if you could kiss anyone? My doggo. 13. Are you afraid of the dark, or were you ever? I mean, I sleep with the TV on for some light and sound because I can’t have it completely dark or silent. 14. Do you have trust issues? Not really. I just have a hard time opening up and expressing myself to anyone. 15. When was the last time you cried from laughing so hard? I don’t remember. It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed that hard. 16. What are your plans for Thursday? I don’t have any plans for tomorrow. 17. Have you had your birthday yet this year? Yes, back in July. 18. Are you playing hard to get right now? No. I’m just hard to want. 19. Do you still talk to the person you were dating five months ago? I was single and still am. 20. Does cuddling freak you out? No. 21. Are your toenails painted? Nope. 22. Have you ever told someone you were in love with them? Yes. I laid all my feelings out on the table for Joseph, which took every ounce of courage I could muster up. It was so hard for me. 23. Ever slapped a guy in the face? Only playfully, and it was lightly. 24. Would you ever dye your hair blonde? Nah. I had blonde highlights for several years, but I never went full on blonde. 25. Did you make anything to eat today? I had a sandwich for lunch. 26. Do you wear eyeliner? When I wear makeup, which is rare nowadays.  27. What’s your favourite part of the song that you’re listening to? I’m not listening to music right now. 28. Do you think you’re a good friend? I haven’t been at all for the past few years. I’ve been very shitty. :/ I can’t even call anyone a friend anymore. 29. If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose? Fall. 30. Could you go out in public looking like you do now? I’m wearing leggings with Santas all over and A Christmas Story shirt at the moment... in October. :X lol I’d really rather not. Plus, my hair is messy. Like,  I couldn’t even just throw a hat on it.  31. What was on your mind mostly today? Blah. 32. Who was the last person you got into a small argument with? My mom and I bicker sometimes, mostly cause my moody moods get especially bad and I just end up butting heads with everyone. :/ 33. Can you handle the truth? Depends. 34. Are there some songs you can’t listen to because they remind you of someone? I listen to them anyway and get sad. 35. Last night, did you go to sleep smiling? I never go to sleep smiling. 36. Where did you sleep last night? My bed. 37. Did you have a good day yesterday? It was alright. 38. What was the highlight of today? I’m getting my favorite pizza for dinner.  39. Do you hate anyone? Besides myself, no. 40. Do you wish you had the chance to tell someone something right now? Not right now. 41. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My mom. 42. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? No. 43. Do horror movies these days scare you? I love horror movies now it’s so weird. I used to be such a scardy cat. It’s October aka spooky time and I want to watch a ton of scary movies. 44. What is the best thing that’s happened in the past week? Spending the afternoon this past Sunday in one of my favorite touristy cities  that’s near water so it’s a lot cooler there temp wise and it was great and getting my favorite pizza twice. 45. What colour is your hair? Naturally it’s dark brown, but I dye it red. 46. What did you do yesterday? Same stuff I always do. 47. What are you doing tonight? Eat pizza and watch AHS. 48. Have you ever thrown your cell phone in anger? When? No. 49. Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? No. 50. Do you want to fix things with anybody? Yes, but I know I’m not in the right space mentally to do so yet. 51. Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? I’ve gone 6 years so far since the last time and I have no desire to drink as of now. 52. Is your hair long enough to pull over your face like a mustache? Yeah. 53. Do you ever find yourself making up survey questions throughout the day? There’s been times I’ve thought up a question or two. 54. Who is your favourite online friend? I think the survey community on here is pretty cool. 55. What was the last thing you tried for the first time? Hmm. I can’t think of something at the moment. 56. What was the last thing you said out loud, and how loud were you speaking? I was saying goodbye to my mom and brother who were leaving to go get our food. 57. What’s your favourite nail polish colour to wear or see on others? I liked wearing black the best. 58. What was the last thing you learned? Hmm. 59. How warm do you like your showers/baths to be? Not scorching, burning hot, but hot.  60. Are there any advertisements/commercials you actually like? Which? There’s been some commercials that I actually like, but generally I don’t pay much attention to them. 61. How often do you visit your relatives? Not often these days. There’s some family members I was really close with that I haven’t seen in a few years, which is crazy. I just really became withdrawn, distant, and reclusive these past few years from everyone. :/ 62. In your opinion, what is the scariest natural disaster? All of them sound terrifying. I’ve thankfully never experienced one. So far anyway... 63. What design is on your bed sheets? They’re just pink. 64. What is your favourite brand of fizzy drink? Like soda? I like Coke and Dr. Pepper, but I haven’t actually soda, only just a bit when I take my medicine, in like 2 years. I used to have one a day and I had been drinking soda since I was a kid (not regularly as a little kid, but I had it sometimes. I regularly started having it in middle school). 65. As a kid, did you use toothpaste that wasn’t minty? Yeah, I remember having bubblegum flavored ones. 66. What is your favourite vegetable? Spinach, potatoes, broccoli.  67. Do you have any other countries’ timezones saved to your computer/mobile phone? No. 68. Is your username the same for every website? No. 69. What do you have in your online bookmarks? On the bookmarks bar on Chrome I have Google, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and YouTube. 70. Do you have a lucky number? Why is it so lucky? I don’t believe in luck, but my favorite number is 8. 71. Do you set your browser to remember passwords? No. 72. Describe the perfect burger: I’m not a big burger person, but if I were to have one I’d just want cheese, ketchup, mustard, and mayo. 73. What was the last thing you made yourself to eat? A sandwich. 74. Do you agree that the nude scenes in movies are generally unnecessary? Uhh sometimes, but it’s whatever. I still act like a kid and mostly look away, though lol. 75. Have you ever stood on a sea creature while at the beach? Uh, no? 76. What’s worse; speaking in all caps, or all lowercase? When people type in all caps my mind reads it like yelling. 77. What’s your favourite place to go for fast food? Taco Bell, Burger King, McDonald’s, Chick-Fil-A, or Jack in the Box. However, I haven’t really been into fast food at all for the past few months, oddly enough. 78. How many fillings do you have? A lot. 79. Do you prefer warm or cold hands? I’m fine with my hands being warm, just not me overall being hot.  80. Have you ever had a mud fight? No. 81. When you see people in love, is your first reaction “ew” or “cute”? Cute.

82. Have you ever woken up from a dream and thought it had actually happened? 83. Do you know anyone who closely resembles someone else? Yeah, family members. lol. 84. When your sunburn peels, do you leave it or pull at it? I’m the worst cause I pull it. :X 85. What type of food do you find yourself craving most (sweet, savoury, meat, etc.)? Savory. 86. Why did you last go to the doctors? Monthly checkup for one of the ongoing things I’m dealing with. 

[xflower-childx]

Taking a moment to appreciate the good.

I look back at when I took my self care weekend, I specifically scheduled myself off on Saturday so I could sleep in, give myself an easy wakeup and go to the cool Hemp place I found a Groupon for. I then went to get coffee from work and stopped at boss lady's house to chit chat and smoke before heading home to change and going to the massage I was gifted from BL. The next day Lex and I drove to Virgina with plans to drive the Blue ridge back home. It turned into a chill chaotic trip as the blue ridge was closed for snow but we still drove it 😅. It was fantastic though and I loved every moment. I loved the whole weekend honestly as I allowed myself to realize that don't ever give myself physical self care in a sense of massages, I will give myself mental breaks, I may wait too long sometimes, but I've learned and continue to learn the signs and triggers for my mental health, but fuck I'm terrible with my physical. I know that. I've conquered my eating disorder pretty damn well though. I'm proud of that. I'm proud of my little stomach I have, no I'm not anywhere near what I used to be but I know that used to have a mindset that would have been horrified by how I look, but nahh, I'm happy and comfortable and I eat what I want, aside from meat. Never meat.

But yeah that weekend I think about how it must have been to prepare me for grandma's death and the depressive episode that happened after. There has been a lot of stress recently and I get that, I may have just let it pile up a bit too much in my head and it really brought me down and brought me to a bit of a halt. Thankfully I've gotten a lot better with communicating when I'm not feeling the greatest so my friends were pretty supportive and my BL gave me a bit of a break on a particularly rough day and even when I fucked up that cake order 🤦‍♀️. I also must add on that my room flooded twice which was a cherry on top. I pretty much came to accept that the week just sucked.

Which led me to doing a protection/healing spell on Sunday night to release bad energy and just start off clean and fresh on Monday. I also meditated and cried during it from seeing Grandma P whom I always knew was a spirit guide of mine. She held my hands and sent me so much freaking love that tears started rolling. It really was beautiful and I appreciated it so much.

Waking up on Monday I decided it would be a good day to lead into a good week, I even kept that mindset after the head baker texted me that our walk in froze over losing hundreds of dollars worth of product and putting us way behind for the day. Everyone was pretty tense as a result but I just kept on smiling, trying to keep the mood light throughout all the chaos in the shop. The same with Tuesday, I dressed a bit nicer and kept the smile on, it wasn't fake or anything, I just wanted to keep some positive attitude for everyone to go off of.

It's Wednesday now, my day off, I sorta slept in as it is a bit rough with kids living above me, but I got lots of alien pup cuddles. I've been diving more into doggo searching and may even have a bite with a doggo (Lol, punny) so I'm pretty excited about that. Her name is currently Marsha so I would probably do a name change, I still need to meet her and she needs to go through evaluation first.

R had stirred the pot with me getting another pup, he didn't push it or anything, he just mentioned it and it motivated me to move in on it more. I had reached out to him after a tarot reading in attempt to befriend him again but it appears he may have ghosted me or something, idk. I'm kinda over it at this point and don't have an interest in trying anymore. I really do wish to be his friend at least and the thought of that makes me happy but like... 🤷‍♀️ I don't enjoy being ghosted. If a homie wanted to maybe make an attempt of not waiting a month to respond than maybe we could get somewhere but geeze, by the time I get a text back I will be married with a farm full of foster kids and animals in New Zealand or something.

Anywho back to the now, I've been thinking on what's next and what to look for and do, and I'm not sure yet, I know I want to travel and see what is around me more and if that means getting a van or trailer than I know that means staying put here for another year or so because of getting that up and running and being financially set for that. Now I do have a wonderfully stable job for that and I do expect a raise to come with the second location opening in a few weeks. I just need to figure out budgeting with all that though to figure out how I want to go about that.

I was talking to a few different friends though with how I wanted the next few years to look and it's made me think a lot on that, it's funny because in my younger years I always looked forward to being 25, it was in my head, a golden year. I expected to have a cool ass job, a partner with our own house, maybe married with a kid. I laugh at that now because I only have the cool job and a doggo kid, 2 by 25, and maybe even a partner? I would love that, someone to travel with for a few years as we get to know each other and the world we live in, make a few mistakes but help each other grow through them and then find a place to officially settle for the time being as we figure out a family and fostering all the kiddos and animals that need to feel all the love we have to give. I am manifesting this and it will be beautiful, it won't be easy but the most beautiful and amazing masterpieces never are and I'm too stubborn to give up on anything 😂

So to close this bitch out I'm happy camper who has to fight her depression sometimes but ay, I can't be all perfect ya know? I'm trying my hardest, and I'm proud of all my accomplishments and the dedication I've put into being where I am.

I also want to note that I feel a change in the wind coming, something good and big. Something exciting? I dunno but I feel it and I'm ready for it 😊🌻