#sometimes im really baffled by some people’s selfishness

[howdyricciardo]

.

[charmedreincarnation]

How am I supposed to deal with anti-shifters and people literally calling shifting a mental illness? I know it’s real, and it's baffling how some people want me to confine myself to a reality that doesn’t serve me. It’s like they can't comprehend that our realities can be fluid and personal. And don't even get me started on the pretentious, usually well-off, white shifter content creators who make videos about how perma-shifters are selfish. It's as if they can't see past their privilege and understand the deeper connections and meanings behind shifting. I sometimes wish I could permanently delete this account from existence because it's just so frustrating to navigate through all this negativity and misunderstanding. I know now I’m in a world filled with possibilities, and yet some choose to limit themselves and impose those limits on others. I can be happy one day, truly happy one day and jt makes me angry that it makes some people mad I believe I can wake up in a new world with wealth and money and a family that doesn’t abuse me and visit my favorite movies. Im not hurting anyone

Not trying to be mean because I get it and went through this as well, but some of you are addicted to arguing and stirring things up. Some people become complicit in their own suffering because you don’t have to consume that type of content! you can avoid it if you train your algorithm hard enough.

If there’s one thing you can learn from religious people, it’s their “I’ll pray for you” mentality. If someone doesn’t believe in God, they just say they’ll pray for you so you don’t got to hell or whatever

When you encounter anti-shifters, just hope that one day they open their minds and discover there's more to the world than meets the eye. If they never choose to do so, it doesn’t affect your journey. One thing YOU SHOULD NOT take from religious people is making shifting your entire identity. Yes, it’s part of who you are, but it's not everything. When you don’t believe in God, some religious people become upset because religion is their identity, not just a belief system. Shifting and the loa are similar in that way—if you’re secure in your journey, would you really care if others believe or not?

You can block them and move on, but I know that’s easier said than done. It makes you angry because you’ve made it your identity instead of just an inherent way of life. Everyone shifts, even anti-shifters, so whether they believe in it or not doesn’t matter.

They’re like flat-earthers to me—I just roll my eyes and move on. It shouldn’t take a toll on your inherent being or mental health. If it does, take a step back. Stop diving into communities you know will make you angry. You don’t have to drag ShiftTok drama to Tumblr or rant about them. Avoid reblogging blogs that share misinformation and arguing with them. You don’t have to share YouTubers who think perma-shifters are delusional or self-harming.

Really sit down and think: if you genuinely believe in shifting and believe you can do it, would you go around trying to prove it to those with no interest in it? Are you trying to convince them or yourself? Don’t tie shifting or anything spiritual to your worth or identity. It’s just your inherent being. Everyone is God in their own right, whether they recognize it or not. It’s not your job to force enlightenment on others. Focus on yourself, use the block button, and defend yourself when attacked without meaning but if there’s no progress in the conversation, still use that block button. Stop entering spaces you don’t agree with.

LOA vs ND, be states vs A and P—some of you guys genuinely just want to live out your high school clique fantasies on Tumblr. Stop arguing and do your own thing. Engage in the free will you have and stop turning spirituality into pretentious Reddit philosophy echo chambers of people who have lost sight of the teachings. This isn’t politics no one focused on their journey and life cares okay; no one cares. It’s should be very fun, engaging and simple—just remembering who you are. I know humans love labels and categorizing because we’re so diverse and versatile and three-dimensional, and sometimes that’s a lot so we want to find our “place” but your own label and true essence and limitless. take a deep breath, close your laptop, and remember you already know who you are.

I totally get that shifting has been life-changing for us, especially when so many of us have come from really challenging backgrounds. It can be incredibly disheartening to see someone tearing apart something that gives you hope. That’s why I find it frustrating when people casually say, "The only thing you have to lose is trying." Hope is a huge factor when you feel like you’ve got nothing else, and the belief that something can save you is incredibly powerful. You work tirelessly, holding onto hope despite facing the same difficulties that dragged you into a tough mental state and life situation in the first place—that's disheartening, and I’m not trying to downplay that at all.

But when you truly realize it’s going to happen, and when it finally does, you won’t even care about the naysayers. I’ve been there, looking back and realigning my thoughts, thinking about all those times others doubted everything. They argued and criticized, but in the end, their opinions won’t matter. It’s about that personal journey and the shift within yourself, the kind of change that makes all the worth it, because when you get past all that useless noise, it’s just you and the incredible things that you did that matter. This is your life so make the most of it.

[ghostlyvoidshark]

Could you do some rival Headcanons between epic and cross sans fighting over us? Like every second you cannot breath, each of them trying to one up each other to show who would treat you better. This idea has been floating in my head for a bit, so just wanted to finally request it. (Also, can we be gender neutral? And romantic, obviously) Thank you and have a good day/night! :)

Hello hun! Sorry this took me a little while - I've had to work more than normal recently. But THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!! I thi k this is my first from a non-moot so im so excited to be able to write this for you! I hope you have a lovely day / night as well :D sorry if this isnt that long, im trying to get some confidence in my writing lolol

Epic & Cross x Reader

Cross doesn't like fighting Epic since they are pretty close but this doesn't stop him from getting competitive.

Epic, on the other hand, loves play fighting and competing with Cross! He's not aggressive about it, he just does it for fun.

Cross is usually trying to prove himself worthy of your affection in some way while Epic just likes flirting and making you laugh.

Epic is surprisingly good at flirting but often settles for making you laugh because he loves it so much.

Sometimes Epic flirts with cross too just to fuck with him lmaoo - Cross is always baffled and a mess when it happens. Its pretty funny to watch tbh.

Most people assume youre a polycule. Epic doesnt help dispel that with his flirting. I mean a poly relationship could probably work.

You will never know alone time again if you don't set those boundaries. They're both Clingy!!

Given the chance, Cross will escort you everywhere - hes like your own personal bodygaurd. (You dont know how he knows your schedule so well or how he finds you so easily when going out.)

Epic also shows up a lot. Hes usually the one initiating lunch & dinner dates between y'all. Well, its not obvious theyre dates but they basically are, lmao.

They do try to one up each other but you'll next to never see them fight. You may catch them bickering about who did better, though. Epic likes instigating and Cross can be sassy.

They may have a fight about you once. Other than that they are chill because they're so close and Epic often gets Cross to communicate.

The fight would probably be mostly on Cross. He would get mad that he fell for someone his best friend likes. He would be upset that he "couldn't have someone himself" both because he feels guilty about Epic and for personal issues (he's lost a lot). Then he'd be mad that he thought that way and felt jealous. He wouldn't like how selfish he feels. Epic talks him through it, though. And talks some sense into him :]

Cross may be quiet most of the time but he is hanging around more often than not. He's just sort of ... supervising lol. Its comforting in an odd way. He likes the quality time too.

Sometimes Epic gets you alone, though. He gets you two to do relaxing things together like a picnic or video games.

He can be surprisingly tender and romantic but he will ruin it with a joke after surprising you or flustering you with the romance so cherish the moment while you can. Good luck, too. ;P

Cross is a mixed bag. One moment he's purposely suave and dashing then the next he cant get a sentence out . Its like he has moments of clarity then goes back to being a dork.

On a few occasions they will team up on you. I don't think they would really plan it unless it was your birthday or something special like that. When they do it it's usually just an accident and their moods synced to cause chaos.

When they team up they are menaces! Epic would be all gentle and romantic with flirty, witty remarks while Cross would be the type to guide you by the small of your back, leaning in to tell you things. And you know he'd be saying stuff like he's your personal knight! "I'll always be there for you." || "if you ever need anything just come to me, I'll take care of you." And shit like that.

Augh they would have you cornered but like in a good way. Cross always behind you, making sure you're safe while Epic leads you around by the hand. I hate them. I actually love them damn it.

Sometimes they get needy and steal you away for a while. The dorks.

Epic "kidnaps" you to cuddle up somewhere and read or watch a movie. He's very touchy (respectfully) so if you're okay with it he will be all over you. He especially loves it if you act as his weighted blanket and lay on him.

Cross gets grouchy and takes you somewhere on an "adventure". Most of the time it'll be somewhere without people. If the place has rough terrain he'll likely try to convince you to let him carry you lol. "You got it?" / "you tired?" / "want help?" Any reason to be close or touching you if you'll allow it.

If you're more of a low and mellow energy person he'll set up a special spot where he sets up stuff for one of your hobbies (if he can) somewhere hidden and will hang out with you.

Stars forbid you give only one of them a gift. They won't guilt you or be mean, but they will rub it in the others face subtly. If they're the one who didnt get something then Epic would jokingly act all clingy and pouty while Cross glares at him. Speaking of, Cross would stand closer than normal and Low-key pout if he didn't get something. Like a cat who wants something from you.

If you're the more affectionate, touchy type then you're going to likely always have one of them touching you if they're around. Epic practically hangs off of you while Cross just has a hand on you somehow. They have probably scent marked you, accidentally or not. They just clingy bois.

Also - not in a kinky way - but Cross has a high chance of biting you during prolonged physical contact lol. It's just a quirk of his. Its like cuteness aggression but in a loving way. You can think of it as kisses it a way.

He wouldn't mention it if you dont but it is a good way to fluster him >:3c

As for trying to be better than each other i think they would choose some things you like and try to be "the best" at it?? Like... lets say you collect shells. Suddenly they are finding great shells - in tact and pretty - and giving them to you. Same with trinkets. Or finding weird coffee mugs if you like those.

Epic also is that bitch who has a lot of money and just sugar daddies his friends LMAOO. You want that expensive thing? Dont worry bby hes got it kcjsbsbsb. If hes crushing on you it just gets worse and more ridiculous.

Cross is the one who has dedication to getting you things. So if something is about timing or searching hard for it he's the one to go to. He also just brings you random things like a bird..?? You dont even know where he gets half the stuff he shows up with. You may even just find stuff on a table in your house randomly.

Also, for no apparent reason, kareoke becomes a thing between y'all. You have no choice /j

[sketching-shark]

Ngl sometimes i feel bad abt disliking LMK so much because some of my friends like it alot and one of them hyperfixates on it. But then i remember just how badly it fucked up in depicting Sun Wukong's character that im pretty sure even villainous portrayals of him in media have given him more dignity, how Six ears basically got woobified and Karma Houdinied despite the show itself showing him as a pretty fucked up villain in S1, how much the Eng Dub butchered the hell out of the Bull Demon Family's dynamic and that this show basically removed one of the core aspects of the story (Buddhism) and then i suddenly dont feel that bad anymore.

Plus its not like they know my actual opinions abt it. As long as they dont ask i think im good lol

Monkie Kid spoilers & complaining & likely exaggerating things below so avert thine eyes if you don't want to see all that

gterewfs not to add even more to the apparently intolerable trend of bringing up Xiyouji when talking about Monkie Kid but it is kind of funny how I've now seen multiple people say a lot of their dislike of the lego show comes from knowing how Sun Wukong can be depicted when he's not being written as a cringefail hermit (X_X). And as is @seasonalsummers if pressed you can probably just tell your friends that Monkie Kid just isn't your thing & leave it at that. Because yeah I've spoken before how it's not fair to expect people to make their way through the ~1,400 pages of the best English translation of the og classic in developing their sense of the journey and Sun Wukong's whole deal, and the vast diversity of depictions of the Monkey King in retellings does seem to stand testament to how much this monkey can be changed to suit the needs of a story. And as is the existence of Zaju Xiyou Ji does demonstrate how even in China this monkey's had bouts of being depicted as little more than a selfish clown, so maybe this is just the west's version of that lol.

THAT SAID, aaaaaAAAAAAA yeah genuinely is baffling and frustrating watching many people cheer and clap for what feels like the constant traumatization of Qi Xiaotian and the constant use of Sun Wukong as Monkie Kid's punching bag. Like heavens to betsy Flying Bark has so relentlessly focused on how thoroughly SWK screws up everything in both the past and the present and apparently, on his own admission, spent the entirely of his immortality doing little except making one mistake after another (i.e. routinely fucking up his life and the lives of everyone around him) that one really is left wondering why any of the show's cast would want to be even within 50 miles distance of this monkey, which is definitely something made all the more awesome by the sense that maybe the main reason is because the obvious villains of every season are explicitly trying to take over/ blow up the entire world rather than blundering their way into that position :(. And that's a dynamic definitely made even MORE awesome by everyone's favorite poor little meow meow never did anything wrong ever the Six-Eared Macaque spending the majority of his screen time both beating the tar out of Qi Xiaotian and telling anyone who will listen what a dumb bitch Sun Wukong is before the show then bends over backwards to validate his claims all while making sure he's never even slightly called out for the shit he pulls, with the clear favoritism made all the more clearer by such facts as Sun Wukong got screamed at by Long Xiaojiao in an extensive and dramatic scene for putting basically the monkie gang and the entirety of reality in danger through his doofus decisions and yet even though she literally watched the shadow simian beat Qi Xiaotian into unconsciousness and literally had her life seriously threatened by this same monkey until Tang Shifu started oh yeah the Fire of Samadhi ritual she's apparently perfectly fine with working with Mr. Six not long after. Add on top of that the way it now feels like SWK's not even really allowed to be friends with anyone except Macaque or even to interact with any of his other former besties in any meaningful way, and well this is really making for a not fun situation that keeps steering the plot away from some of the most interesting fun and heartfelt things that Monkie Kid could have done. And then on top of that Flying Bark has now shown themselves to have this habit of spending the majority of each season focusing on what a screw-up SWK is before waiting until the last possible episode before characters who up to that point couldn't have made their hatred for the Monkey King and Qi Xiaotian by extension more clear start pulling out abrupt and honestly hand-wavey reasons for why they suddenly like him. IDK! I like a good redemption arc but that's not something you can speedrun and then pretend like it's even remotely satisfying! And definitely doesn't do SWK any favors with the way he just stands there maybe looking kind of sad while someone yells at him for sucking entire before he runs off to suck at everything again and is barely ever allowed to be explicitly and messily upset about that or about what a colossal failure his life is or idk mayhaps what happened to the og pilgrims that apparently resulted in their premature deaths!! For as much as people keep saying they want characters to redeem themselves through living and working to be better and be upset and fucked up about their pasts well it sure might be nice in this situation if we actually got to spend some time on that instead of just relentlessly piling one catastrophic blunder on top of the other! tsetawraer sorry for the rant but yeah still pretty shocked on how much a silly lego show that started off as having fun adventures with the Monkey King would turn into the grimdark adventures of Young Man Traumatized, Asshole Goku, and the Stalker Shadow (X_X)

[soup-du-silence]

Thoughts on the whole FOWL arc, particularly Bradford’s arc and his beef with Scrooge? I felt it wasn’t handled great at all, and I think I sympathized a bit more with Bradford than the writers had intended? I dunno, I just wanted Scrooge to be a bit in the wrong for ONCE and suffer real consequences. Never really bought or understood the show’s idea of family or adventure either, especially the VERY extended family they tried to make in Season 3.

i feel like pcs would have a good answer to this actually but Im personally really fuzzy on the whole bradford thing because ive only seen most of season 3 once and didnt enjoy a lot of it so Im....hm. bradford hates....the nebulous idea of adventure because its inconvenient and expensive? and also personally traumatic? am i understanding that correctly?

and for a while i remember thinking....is bradford going to be a vehicle for exploring why scrooge’s reckless, selfish behavior is terrible for everyone else in the world, why hoarding wealth is wrong, why looting other civilizations is wrong, is there going to be a big heel turn, and we’ll have to reconcile with how watching the show from his point of view has blinded us to the harm he’s causing, and why people like musk and bezos are actual real life villains, and is bradford actually going to be a guy you root for, like poison ivy, wouldnt that be SICK??? wouldnt that be smart and brave and interesting???

and then it not only did none of that, but it leaned extra hard into the nepotism angle, without a hint of irony, and im still totally baffled by it

the bradford thing ended up just being...petty and stupid. like if someone was tasked with writing poison ivy and was like “okay but we cant let her be too relatable, she’s right you know, and people know it, so instead of being an eco terrorist trying to reclaim mother earth from capitalist pigs at any cost, she’s just really mad cus someone overwatered her succulents when she went on vacation as a kid.” You HAD something, it was right there, and you had to dial it back because mickey’s signing your paychecks.

i so, so badly wanted scrooge to be WRONG. he IS wrong. He’s ALWAYS been wrong and thats very often the POINT of his character and I really expected that that would be something we could talk about at least a little in 2017-2021 but apparently not. like i HAVE to believe the crew knows, i follow a lot of them on twitter and I see how they talk about current events so I HAD hoped.

idk.

the family thing really got on my nerves after a while because it became a buzzword for, like, “we havent done a good job of selling you this idea but if we say it often enough then you have to accept it as true.” Especially in regards to webby. i think i brought it up sometime around when moonlander aired, because she kept dropping “family” in a way that didnt feel convincing to me and was really obvious every time it happened. and i had a whole long list of things that made it feel forced, starting with “scrooge literally fucking yells that she’s not family and this doesnt concern her and NEVER apologizes” and includes “wow webby says ‘my family’ about the ducks WAY MORE than anyone else says it about her” and “spending a whole season focused on della reconnecting with her biological family SPECIFICALLY, which webby is understandably and justifiably not a part of, leaving her out by necessity” and “lots of episodes about clan mcduck specifically and the power and importance of that bloodline, which is kind of icky actually, but we’ll just paint it as grand and noble and never mention non-mcducks like Quackmore or Elvira because Scrooge is literally the only one who matters.” 

and its hard to really sell Webby as part of the unit when you’re so obsessed with the bloodlines and heritage of One Man so I guess in that regard it makes sense why they did what they did. if you’re not gonna devote the time to explaining why she is good and why she matters INDEPENDANTLY of how much scrooge lore she has memorized then i guess yeah just slap some of his genes in her and make it fact because while I wanted to believe that she was part of the family, i dont feel like they ever did the hard work of convincing me she was. they just kept saying FAMILY FAMILY FAMILY until i went “god yeah shut up i get it”

like he NEVER FUCKING APOLOGIZED, guys. and she just forgives him before they ever see each other again. How fucking hard would it have been to have them sit down like “i didnt mean it, i was wrong, and if i didnt see you as my family then thats my own fault because you’ve been here under my roof your whole life and i had my head too far up my own cloaca to see what i was missing. that changes now, you’re one of us”

but that would mean admitting he was wrong. and scrooge is never wrong.

[endcant]

aimless musings on subgenre, citypop, and internet subcultures

theres something very interesting about watching citypop become very mainstream in korea and watching that feed back into both western listeners’ opinions and also into the sometimes-cynical efforts of a variety of kpop producers

a lot of people in the youtube/kpop sphere talk about the growth of citypop as if it were a spontaneous wave that appeared out of nowhere with mariya takeuchi’s plastic love getting picked up by the youtube algorithm in like 2018 or whatever, but thats a very like online-ignorant view of the interaction between vintage japanese music and worldwide online EDM production. citypop has been used in future funk and vaporwave for almost a decade by now, and, as a result, a number of citypop songs took off on social media here and there before plastic love’s acceleration— dress down by kaworu akimoto is one of the big examples off the top of my head, but there’s likely many many more.

“Plastic Love” by Mariya Takeuchi (1984). if you haven’t heard this yet, you’d better listen to it now. The video that first went viral was uploaded in 2017

“Selfish High Heels” by Yung Bae, Macross 82-99, and Harrison (2014) is a popular Future Funk remixes of Dress Down by Kaoru Akimoto (1986)

people who haven’t been very aesthetically literate online over the years— musically or visually, since those things are tied in subcultures— treat things like they come from nowhere. there are ongoing subcultural conversations that lead to certain aesthetic choices, and when someone tries to cash in on a trend without understanding what the trend is, that leads people to call bullshit. calling bullshit is not meanspirited, in my opinion, because it very much is like somebody who can’t speak a language getting up in front of everybody and saying “hey, i’m fluent!” and then speaking some vaguely that-language-sounding nonsense. of course people who genuinely speak that language will be outraged instinctively. it feels like being mocked.

that’s why the difference between music producers picking up on a trend cynically and music producers picking up on a trend with earnest interest in that trend’s origins feels different, even if the producers are similarly distant from the original subculture that produced that trend.

“Lady” by Yubin (2018) committed hard to the 80s JP citypop aesthetic, musically and visually, down to the sets, all fairly early in the major resurgence.

i’m sure that anyone with a passing familiarity with citypop and kpop can ascertain that not all kpop producers know what citypop is and what makes it citypop. all they know is that it is on-trend and they have to make it. not all kpop listeners know what citypop is and what makes it citypop. all they know is their idol said citypop as a buzzword in their little prepared statement. all this results in some interesting moments for me as a Music Fan, Online.

here is where i get to the thing that spurred this post: loona “did a citypop” for their japanese comeback. it doesnt sound like citypop.

“Hula Hoop (Citypop Version)” by Loona (2021). It has very odd percussion rhythms and mixing for citypop, no real attempt at a citypop verse, and strangely sparse gestures towards citypop in the form of a few seconds of bass and some synthesized orchestral embellishments that were taken from the original mix …all in spite of a very disco-inspired melody that should have worked perfectly for citypop

this is not a very big deal, and im not mad about it or anything. when a kpop act i like gets saddled with an unfortunate B-Side track i dont tend to take it very hard. however, it did raise a little bit of musical discourse in the loona fandom— in the form of remixes.

“hula hoop if it was actually a citypop song” by loonahatetwinks and Olivia Soul on youtube. this one has an original instrumental that is spot-on for contemporary k-citypop

My most favorite one of these remixes is a futurefunk remix by ZSunder, one of the very best LOONA fan producers. The fact that ZSunder thought to make a future funk remix at all speaks more to an understanding of the mutually supportive relationship between citypop and EDM genres than most kpop citypop producers or fanmixers seem to care to know about.

“Hula Hoop (Future Funk Mix)” by ZSunder is futurefunk made and mixed with such love that it has the infectious summery energy of a polished, big-name future funk hit

in the comments of this video, some people seemed to get the citypop-future funk connection and some didnt. many did get it, don’t get me wrong! but also, its not all that surprising for some kpop-focused listeners to not know much about EDM subcultures and the reasons behind various trends among producers, since kpop as an institution tends to take influences from any genre and culture it likes and then decontextualize those influences by just having their names used as buzzwords in the blurbs the idols have to recite when variety show hosts ask them about their latest single. this isn’t a criticism of the genre or the fans really, it’s just a part of the kpop industry that is used to add shine to an endless firehose-like stream of polished pop tracks. there are some issues with using whole genres and subcultures with complex histories as buzzwords, but god help us if we ever want a pop industry to give its influences their dues.

anyway, the intention behind ZSunder’s future funk Hula Hoop remix happened to remind me me of why i love Yukika’s discography so much, especially the Soul Lady album. I’ve seen some reviews online baffled by parts of Soul Lady, because the album in general is an exploration of that relationship between citypop and modern/internet EDM. i’ve seen plenty of Soul Lady reviews especially baffled by pit-a-pet, saying something along the lines of “what’s with the modern-sounding dance track in the middle of a retro album?”, but i think that pit-a-pet is a futurefunk-inspired track, at least in the chorus. considering both that and the Chill Lo-Fi Interludes, it seems like estimate’s team put together Soul Lady for Yukika in a way that shows that they love citypop and understand the online-specific electronic music subcultures that led to citypop’s resurgence.

“pit-a-pet” by Yukika (2020). the stacatto, bass heavy chorus is futurefunk enough, but the soaring orchestral part in the final chorus seals the deal for my interpretation.

“All Flights Are Delayed (1 hour version)” by Yukika (2020). Estimate literally released an hour-long youtube mix of one of the Lo-Fi interludes on Soul Lady as part of their promotion, clearly inspired by “Lo-Fi anime beats to chill out to,” which is another example of online producers from around the world using Japanese samples as a focal point of their music

Estimate, in the end, is still a Kpop production company, just the same as BBC, so they have no inherent claim over citypop, but the way that their exploration of subgenres clearly comes from passion and interest on the part of their production staff makes it so that their work with Yukika rings true. on the other hand, i really appreciate Ryan S. Jhun’s work on LOONA’s JP comeback, as well as on Not Friends, but the citypop mix thing was so clearly an afterthought to the point where fans of Loona who like citypop seem mostly just irritated by the cynical-seeming attempt.

heres one last good modern kpop citypop MV that has nods to the internet culture that led to its revival in the form of the videography— vaporwave, future funk, lofi, and other internet genres along those lines tend to have videos consisting of looping anime and vhs clips. future funk in particular is known for this, especially since a lot of future funk music, esp early future funk, is just loops of very short, catchy segments of citypop and disco songs. it’s all about the loops

“My Type” by Yoon JongShin ft. Miyu Takeuchi (2019). This song is so dedicated to the retro JP citypop sound that it’s almost beyond my personal taste. The singer, Miyu, was a headlining act at a seoul citypop festival and sang this song as part of her act (:

this video of “Only One” by Conscious Thoughts (2015) has a looped clip as an example for comparison with My Type. it also has a pulsing sidechain compressor working in time with its drum beat in a way that is common for future funk and that i think is a good example for my pit-a-pet yukika comparison to future funk

i guess the takeaway here is that media is more and more online, and the creation and propagation of digital audio and video content has been in the hands of literally almost anybody who wants to do it for the past two decades thanks to garage band and fruityloops and audacity and tiktok and youtube and bandcamp and soundcloud and myspace and newgrounds and p2p file sharing and so on and so forth. and therefore like… as with all things, the consumer class more and more is also the creator class, and therefore every member of an audio-visual subculture will have the ability to discern what is and isnt made with knowledge of the audio-visual language of that subculture

[angrylizardjacket]

time’s arrow {Roger Taylor}

Anon asked: Hi, I love your roger/ben imagines so much and was wondering if you could do some angst with Roger x female, maybe they are good friends and she sees him with another. Whatever you would like! Thank you x :)

A/N: 2727 words. A story told through Seasons. I took a little bit of liberties with the prompt, if that’s okay? This hit me like a lightning bolt and I had to write it. Angst with a happy ending. (I’m just trying to show I’ve got versatility in writing, okay?)

Warnings: Implied sex.

You meet him in Spring, before it all begins, he sits up the back of your Intro to Head and Neck Anatomy lectures, the only class with open spots available by the time you were looking for a science credit. You find out he’s in a band three weeks into the first class, finally going to the local bar, sick of cramming your brain full of information you’re not even sure is necessary for your degree. He grins at you and wow okay, you didn’t even think he’d recognise you.

“You’re in, um,” he’s leaning against the bar next to you in this dimly lit pub, grabbing a drink between sets. Faltering for a moment, his eyes travel down before you clear your throat, angry at yourself for blushing, but his smile widens, “my class.” He finishes, taking a sip of his beer. You agree, rolling your eyes at him, but even that seems to amuse him. He asks your name. The guitarist is calling him over, setting up for the next set, but you tell him before he leaves. Something tightens in your chest when, later that night, he catches your eyes mid-song, his look of intense focus shifting for a moment as he grins, giving you a wink.

He takes to sitting next to you in lectures, chewing the end of his pencil and taking occasional notes in a falling apart notebook that looks as though he uses it for every class. You catch lyrics in the margins and at the bottom of some pages, but he’s cagey about that in a strange way, just says you’ll have to come to a gig to find out what they’re about. So you do.

Gigs become a regular for you, and you start to become friends with the girls who frequent the shows, often hosting predrinks in your dorm room for Mary and her friends on a Friday night. You learn on one of those nights that at least two of the girls have hooked up with him, and there’s a strange, sinking sensation in your chest. You’re not sad, or at least, you tell yourself you shouldn’t be. You and Roger are just friends, it’s not like there’s anything going on there, sure, sometimes after a really good show he’ll give you a pash, but it’s- that’s just him. 

It’s not like you’ve never thought about it, but you also know his reputation, and that it’ll do more harm than good to get involved with that. He’s the one mistake you don’t think you want to make.

It’s Summer, a few years later, when they trade in the van to get money to hire the recording studio. Roger had really loved that van, and he lay on your sofa for a solid hour grumbling about it, about how Freddie had some kind of nerve. You roll your eyes at him, call him a drama queen, which he takes offence to, but moves obligingly when you sit down, letting him rest his head in your lap.

When you raise the point that it might be worth it, he looks frankly aghast, griping about how he has to catch lifts everywhere now. He calms down somewhat when you start carding your fingers through his hair, though he still pouts.

“If it comes to it, I’ll buy you a car, you baby.” You snort, despite the fact that you’re currently barely making a living wage on some retail job, it’s not where you’d thought you’d be after university, but sometimes that’s just how it is. He looks up at you, and when you look down at him, he’s looking very intense. Perhaps he might say something poignant about your offer, you think, but instead he reaches up and pokes your nose.

“I can see up your nostrils.” He tells you, and you smack his hand away, scowling. You stand abruptly, ignoring his complaints, smoothing your pants out against your thighs.

“Come on,” you offer your hand, which he regards with both confusion and a bit of disdain, “you can’t mope around my apartment and complain about the band again. We’re going out.” That gets his interest.

You’ve been to bars with him before, and usually you go home alone while he gets the pick of the prettiest girls of the night, or he decides to wingman you, which hurts your heart a little, but you won’t decline. You were attractive in your own right, you won’t deny that, you didn’t technically need his help, but a selfish part of you likes the way the attention to you, even if it’s to help you get with other people.

Tonight is different, tonight he doesn’t leave your side, he slings an arm around you as the two of you stand by the bar watching the truly mediocre band they had on that night. 

“You know why they aren’t recording an album?” You ask as the set ends.

“Because they didn’t sell their van?” Roger mused, vaguely bitter, but not melancholy as he swirled the last of his drink in his free hand.

“No, it’s because they’re terrible.” Turning, you smile at your own blunt remark, and when he looks back at you, he’s grinning with a little disbelief. There’s very little space between the two of you, but that doesn’t make your heart race anymore, he’s your best friend, close contact was part of the bargain. But he kissed you, quickly, without warning, and when he pulls back, he turns away to order another drink like nothing had happened.

Your mind is spiralling, this isn’t post-gig excitement, this wasn’t something you were expecting. The selfish creature in your chest that you tried to deny for so long was crowing with victory. Taking a quick look around the bar, you don’t recognise anyone, though there are a few girls who look like they’d be his type- but his hand is moving to wrap around your waist as he turns back.

“What was that?” Voice quiet, you take his drink and have a sip of it yourself, the movement done from muscle memory alone. He raises his eyebrows at you, not regarding the drink, that was a usual occurrence, but at the question. He doesn’t seem to know how to answer, baffled at the question. Dropping you gaze, you take a sip of your own drink. “Why me? Why tonight?” You asked. Looking incredulous, he stepped back, looking you over.

“Have you seen yourself tonight, love? Couldn’t help myself.” You’ve heard him talk like this before, to other girls, not as blunt, but with you he can get away with it. The creature in your chest is elated, and you find yourself smiling, actually blushing. He moves closer once more, his arm around you, voice low as he spoke into your ear. “Trust me, you look very fit tonight, any man would be lucky to have a crack at you.” Heart in your throat, you hope you’re reading the situation right, at the same time ignoring the part of you that knew this was a bad idea.

“Even you?” You turned to face him, watching the way his smile shifted to a smirk, and he pulled you a little closer.

“You know I’m always feeling lucky.” 

You kiss him, feeling your blood thumping in your veins, selfish and excited in equal measure, but with his hands on you, you can’t find the focus to care about the former. 

Once the bad starts up again, Roger pulls away, making a face at them, asking if you wanted to get out of there. You do, and the two of you are elated on the quick walk back to his apartment, stopping only when he pressed you up against the wall of an closed shop to suck a hickey into the skin of your neck. You catch sight of it in his bedroom mirror, but he’s pulling off your jacket and you have better things to worry about.

It’s not weird, like you thought it would be, when you wake the next morning and he’s curled up, fast asleep with his back to you, but your chest aches just a little. He avoids eye contact over breakfast, though you chat like normal. The gripes about his van have died down, though he makes an offhand comment about things are changing that you read enough into to realise what had happened.

“You’ll always have me, Rog.” You reach across the table to take his hand, and he finally looks you in the eye, he looks so relieved, not that he’d ever say it. Afraid of losing another thing he cared about, he had panicked last night and tried to keep you close in the only way he knew how. He certainly loved you, but not in the way you wanted him to. Giving his hand a gentle squeeze, you give him a smile that doesn’t reach your eyes. It’s not his fault.

Bohemian Rhapsody airs in Autumn, you’re regional manager now, and you’re sitting in your office when you hear for the first time; you almost scream when the first harmony comes in after the radio host introduces the song.

“You’re a star, Rog!” You gush over the phone on your break, unable to wait until that night when the band was having a celebratory get-together to talk to him.

“Of course, I am, you think I sing that high to be paid in peanuts?” You can hear the smile in his words without even seeing him, and being able to hear his voice warms your heart.

“That was you?” You laugh, the ‘Galileo's playing back in your head, and you try to picture him singing it, which only made you laugh harder.

“Oi,” he bristled, indignant at your laughter, “I’m the only one with the range to execute Freddie’s vision.” You could see him in your mind now, proud and stubborn, standing tall to defend the decision.

“I’m proud of you.” Suddenly sincere, you find your smile turning to something more genuine as you think back on far he’s come.

“Thank you.” His own voice has become less animated, more sincere, though you can still hear him smiling.

“Love you, Rog.” You tell him, just as you always did when you parted ways.

“I’ll see you tonight.”

He’s grinning, draped with casual confidence in an armchair in Freddie’s living room when you arrive, and you feel like you’ve been taken back five years, the casual enthusiasm he’s exerting. Smile brightening, he stands when he sees you, striding across the room to enfold you in a hug.

“Good to see you!” He practically beams at you, holding your shoulders as he looks over you, as if assessing you, seeing if anything has changed.

“Of course, you’ve been holed up for weeks, I wouldn’t miss this for the world!” Though he’s in front of you, you’re words address the room as a whole, and when he steps back, Brian moves in to hug you as well, asking how you’ve been.

The boys are your friends, all of them, you’ve been around for most of their big band moments, and it eases something in your chest to be here for this one too. But then the ease sharply tightens as a woman you’ve never seen before sits on the arm of Roger’s chair, and he rests a hand on her thigh, smiling up at her.

Mary follows your gaze, and her smile is sad as she pulls you down to sit beside her, asking you about your thoughts on the single. You answer, though your heart’s not in it, and the selfish creature in your chest rears it’s ugly head after such a long slumber. 

The monster has shifted, changed and grown, it hadn’t cared about him running around with any pretty girl he could find for the past few years, but this was different. Roger had made it clear that he was far from sacred, but this was the band, this was Freddie’s home, this was the place of some of your happiest memories; this was yours. 

You stay well into the early hours of the following morning, despite the interloper, but Roger still stopped you at the door.

“I’m really glad you could make it, I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.” He’s smiling at you, but you don’t smile back. It’s been a long night of being kind and pretending that you’re heart didn’t hurt.

“Well, you’ve very busy.” You shrug, punctuating it with a yawn. His expression turns confused, and you open the door.

“Y/N.” He tried to get your attention, but you left, throwing a goodbye over your shoulder to him. “Love you.” He calls through the door, but you stay quiet, refuse to say it back, just keep walking. You’re too tired to be upset, but maybe you’ll get there tomorrow.

Things change, and you’ve grown to accept that, but sometimes old aches don’t heal like they should. Or at all.

“I’m getting married.” He calls you at the end of Winter.

“Oh.”

“Oh?” 

Your relationship’s been on the mend in the years since the Bohemian Rhapsody launch night. You two smile and laugh like you had when you were younger, and you’ve learned to listen to his exploits and his gripes about women, offering your own about your partners, though they’re few and far between. He’s still your best friend, and you learn to act like it. 

“Congratulations.” Your voice is flat. It had been a shock, you’d heard about his latest on-again off-again girlfriend, and had even offered advice in certain situations, actual advice, no malice at all.

“Thanks.” He doesn’t seem to know where to go from here, and silence stretches out between the two of you.

“I should go.” You finally murmur.

“What? Why?” He spluttered, and you sighed deeply.

“Was there something else you wanted to talk about?” You asked, closing your eyes and leaning your forehead against the wall.

“I- no, but I want you to be there.” He paused. “And I wanted to be the one to tell you.” Clenching your jaw, you make a snap decision.

“I can’t-”

“Why not?” He actually sounded angry, which was perhaps warranted, though your next words shut him up.

“Because it hurts, Roger.” After a beat, your voice is quiet. “Because I love you.” Taking a breath, you let yourself relax. “I want you to be happy, but I can’t watch you marry someone else.” There’s silence for a very long moment, but you hang up before he can respond. You take the phone off the hook. You need to be alone, just for now.

“After everything, you still-?” It’s the first day of Spring, and he’s on your doorstep, seemingly unable to say the word love. You’re wearing your pyjamas and he looks like he’s just walked out of a Rolling Stone cover shoot, though he just sort of looks like that now, you supposed.

“Don’t worry about it.” You try not to betray how much his visit shocked you, or the way his very presence after your recent conversation hurt you.

“You’re my best friend! Of course I’m gonna worry about it!” He threw his hands up in the air, exasperated. Sighing deeply, he stepped forward. “I thought I fucked everything up when we hooked up, I’m sorry, I panicked.” He was looking at his fidgeting hands, rather than your surprised expression. “And then... I thought I fucked it up again when I chose the band over you.”

“You never-” You tried to protest, but he smiled self-deprecatingly.

“No, I did. I loved you, and I thought that would get in the way of the band.” Clenching his jaw, he looked up and you could see the regret in his eyes. “It was easier to fuck around that tell you I love you.” Your breath stopped in your throat as he finally walked closer. “And I thought after everything, that you deserved better; you know what I’m like, why would you-?” But you cut him off with a kiss.

“You’ll always have me.” You murmured, finally letting yourself smile. Nothing about it felt selfish, in fact, it felt as though the sun was finally shining on you, warming you from the inside out.

“I know,” he agreed quietly, wrapping you up in a hug.

[somnolenceses]

oct 31 2022

trick or treat! long time no see

not vent-y. ive long past any use for this blog anymore, really. but ive been thinking a lot lately. its no surprise that i have some not-so-stellar memory so i dont really remember things unless i REALLY think about it. kind of like a certain white hair character ive been playing for a while. but recently ive been able to actually, truly reflect on my past actions and now, it truly baffles me that people love me or want to continue interactions with me.

it really baffles me even that people havent shut me out or be like 'you're horrible by the way, i can't believe you at some point believed you were a good person before it all hit you in 2019 that you're very, very horrible actually.' people are too kind, aren't they? you are more inclined to believe someone hasn't done anything wrong when you think they haven't but in truth they have. the other week i was thinking there is truly nothing but benefit to killing myself. unattractive, no matter how less i eat now, (im not, nor have i ever, grazed anywhere near the super concerning levels so, really, if anything there is no bad behind this and its good for me) even uglier underneath, now i really know no matter what i do i'm forever going to be weird and awkward and i'll forever be an outcast even to the groups i'm in, completely incapable of being competent. even my friends mentioned they did not like me before befriending me, and they make jokes at my expense sometimes, and i wonder if i somehow have manipulated them. even the one i love. god i couldn't even bear it. so many times i felt like i've cheated them out of someone better, someone more proper to deal with them, someone more competent and it makes me wonder what the hell i did to trick them into liking me and making so many promises. i just cannot, im sorry. it's one of the most confusing things in my life. i am nothing but unworthy. i feel i am only meant to give love to others, not be loved. that sort of reciprocation is just not for me, i think. sometimes i feel too awful in the head to properly help them but i force myself to suck it up and push it down even if the thought of replying stresses me out and makes me feel worse. but that's jjust what people do for eachother, don't they? so i feel bad because i feel like i'm making it out to be their fault when it's really not. at all. who knows if i can even do anything to save them? i can't even kill myself anymore because i'd just be abandoning them when they need me the most, and in a way, that's good but it feels like that lack of ironic freedom kills me in a way. i'm not sad any more over this, really. those days are past me now. i guess it's just a part of maturing. that life is not what you ever will want it to be, and you're just locked into a pretty unhappy or undesirable future no matter what. though, i guess if i ever get selfish enough (as if i wasn't enough), or god decides it is my time, i hope he makes it quick and painless. it's a bit too much to ask for, but whatever. didn't really ask to be a person anyways i'd rather just observe life. but as edgy and joker arc-y as it sounds i guess the greatest freedom of all (life) is the most cripplingly oppressive. i probably don't even mean that last sentence i thought it somewhat sounded nice. i am just a natural liar through my teeth. though it prevents me from stupidity like this, haha. anyways i have been enjoying FE13 and FE14 in the time i have been inactive. i love jakob he's so nice for being a typical butler character.

https://youtu.be/6ZfImwCMI6w

[appliedvillainy]

071. Where’s my son.

(It’s a weekend. Scott Parker is baking muffins in the kitchen when he hears a loud old car pulling into the driveway outside. He rushes to the window.)

Scott: Shit. Shitshitshit.

(Vitya, in the living room, furtively sneaks a peek through the curtains.)

Vitya: Is that him?

(A man gets out of the car. He’s older than Scott, and bigger, but he definitely looks enough like Scott to be his dad.)

Scott (pulling his apron off): Go t’ your room, Vee.

Vitya: You’re fucking dreaming.

Scott: I’m not kidding, go!

(Vitya responds by going to the door.)

Scott: Oh my god, don’t.

(When the knock comes at the door, Vitya opens it without missing a beat.)

Vitya: Sorry, we’re not interested in switching insurance carriers, internet service providers, or religions at this time.

(Vitya goes to slam the door, but Scott’s dad stops the door with his foot.)

Orson: Where’s my son.

Vitya: Too busy having a life without you in it.

(Orson forces the door open, knocking Vitya on his ass. Orson Parker steps into the house. He’s imposing. He looks terrifyingly like Scott, but broader and more severe. His eyes land right on Scott, as Scott rushes to help Vitya to his feet.)

Orson: There y’ are. Can’tcha say hey t’ your old man?

Scott: Oh, uh. Hey dad. Nice seein’ ya’.

Orson: Got any coffee? I been on th’ road for ages.

Scott: Y-yeah. Yeah. I’ll make some.

(Scott goes back to the kitchen, while Orson sits on the couch. Vitya looks a little baffled, then follows Scott.)

Vitya (whispering): I’ll tell him to leave.

Scott (likewise): ‘n what’d be th’ point? He ain’t gonna listen.

Vitya: I’ll make him leave.

Scott: You can’t.

Vitya: We can’t just--just give him coffee and make small talk, Scott.

Scott: Maybe he’ll jus’ leave on his own, you know? We jus’ play nice ‘n he’ll go.

Vitya: He came way too far just to say hi and leave, and you know that.

(Scott goes quiet as he watches the coffee drip. The oven timer goes off. He takes a tray of muffins out.)

Scott: Can we uh. Tell ‘im you made the muffins.

Vitya: What, he doesn’t even like you baking?

Scott: Says it’s for sissies ‘n women.

(Vitya gives him a look.)

Scott: I didn’t say he’s right, ‘m jus’ sayin’ that’s what he thinks!

Vitya: Do you not see how insane this is? You got away from this, Scott. All the--the walking on eggshells, trying to appease this asshole. You got away!

Scott: Yeah, ‘n he fuckin’ followed me here!

Vitya: And that’s why we have to make him leave.

(Scott pours a cup of coffee, considers the muffins for a moment, then goes out to the living room without grabbing one. He gives Orson the coffee.)

Orson: That’s what I’m talkin’ about. (He takes a long sip) Now go on. Pack up your things.

Scott: What?

Orson: We’re goin’ home. Go pack.

Scott: No, I-- what?

Orson (rolling his eyes): Stopped at a gas station ‘n saw this.

(He reaches into his jacket. Scott instinctively flinches. Orson produces a tabloid, with Apollo on the cover. Scott takes it.)

Orson: Th’ media writes this kinda filth about you ‘n you ain’t burned ‘em all down yet? ‘M downright ashamed for ya’.

(Scott skims through the articles, while Vitya looks over his shoulder. It’s a bunch of stuff about Apollo’s escapades at some nightclub. Scott would chuckle and brag, if he were with any other company. As it is, he looks at Vitya, then at his dad.)

Scott: I ain’t goin’ nowhere.

Orson: Like hell. Y’ ain’t ready t’ handle things on your own.

Scott: ‘m doin’ fine, dad.

Orson: Clearly you ain’t.

(Scott looks at the tabloid again and takes a deep breath.)

Scott: Ain’t nothin’ in this rag’t ain’t true.

Orson: That rag says you’re out… gayin’ it up.

Scott: Yeah.

(Orson stands. Scott makes a distinct effort not to shrink back.)

Orson: You tellin’ me you’re some kinda fag?

Scott: No--I mean, yeah... Yeah! Not jus’ any kinda fag. ‘M a pansexual, aromantic, rainbow-flag-flyin’ motherfucker. I was on a float ‘n las’ year’s pride parade. I run support groups ‘n ev’rything! (He grins, because holy shit he’s actually telling the old man off) ‘n that good smell? ‘S th’ fuckin’ muffins I jus’ baked!

(Scott takes a step back, but only so he can high-five Vitya.)

Vitya: You’d better get out of here. The gay is contagious, don’t you know?

Orson: So what’re you, then? You two fuckin’?

Vitya: What? Hell no. Scott and I aren’t--We’re--

(Scott realizes what Vitya’s about to say too late to stop him from saying it.)

Vitya: We’re brothers.

(Orson backhands Vitya, hard. Vitya hits the ground. Then he does the same to Scott, and kicks Scott for good measure. Scott curls up.)

Orson: Is this what you’re doin’? Jus’--Jus’ findin’ any ol’ asshole t’ call your brother?!

Scott: No! No! That ain’t--

Orson (continuing to kick Scott): Your brother is dead, Scott!

Scott: I know, I know!

Orson: He’s dead ‘cause’f you, you selfish li’l prick!

(Scott goes silent, still curled up in a ball, trying to protect his face.)

Vitya: Get the fuck away from him.

(Orson looks up at Vitya. Vitya’s face is going to be one huge bruise later, but for now he’s got death in his eyes.)

Vitya: Get away from him, and walk out that door.

(Orson tries to throw a punch, but a spike of ice appears from the floor and catches his fist. He breaks his fist free, looks at it, the ice, and Vitya.)

Orson: This ain’t over.

(He turns and leaves, slamming the door behind him. His loud-ass car starts, and Vitya listens as it drives away. He sits down next to Scott.)

Vitya: Are you okay?

(Scott sniffles, but doesn’t answer. Vitya considers the elephant in the room, and decides it isn’t the time.)

Vitya: I didn’t know you run a support group.

(Scott shifts a little. He responds slowly.)

Scott: ‘s for aro people.

Vitya: That’s really nice.

Scott: We meet on Sundays.

Vitya: What kind of turnout do you get?

Scott: Not a lot, but they’re good people.

(Vitya nods. Scott’s quiet for a moment before he pulls himself up to a sitting position, making pained noises as he does. Vitya reaches over and puts an ice-cold hand on Scott’s face. Ice powers come in handy sometimes.)

Vitya: I’m proud of you.

Scott: He’s gonna kill us.

Vitya: We’ll get through this.

(Scott groans.)

Scott: ‘m gonna need more ice.

Vitya: Will some ice-cold spooning do the trick?

Scott: It might.

Vitya: Just don’t make it weird.

Scott: Y’ jus’ beat me to it.

(Vitya pulls Scott in for a hug. He presses his body against Scott’s back, using his powers to ensure he’s the right temperature to be a giant ice pack.)

Scott: Thanks.

(Scott sits there silently. After a few minutes Vitya realizes that he’s crying. Vitya continues hugging him, petting his hair and making soothing noises.)

--End: Episode seventy-one.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

On a post where I talked about my nephew (and the difficulties with my brother)

runningbarefootthroughtheforest said: No ideas, just wanted to say Im glad your nephew has someone like you in his life, even if you are ‘banned’ from him. It sounds like you bring sunshine to his life, and even if thats a rare occurence it may make a world of difference to him <3

Thanks for being so kind. 

I wasn’t planning to really reply (thought I REALLY appreciated hearing that), but I was in a mood tonight. I got started writing, and now it’s 2am and I’ve got this endless rambling about my relationship with my brother no one in their right mind wants to hear about. Rather than erase all that typing (and venting) I’m just going to put it safely behind a click to continue....l

Being there for him used to be one of the ways I would make myself go to my brother’s when I knew what was in store for me there. (The other was to help my parents with that construction job building the extension to my brother’s house.) I had my nephew described as “lighting up like a Christmas tree” when I showed up and that he seemed so much more engaged when I was there. I dunno how much I credit that to me, but I did feel like it was worth enduring a heavy dose of verbal abuse. 

The thing is, it has been so long since I have been able to see him I expect he has forgotten me now. I got to see him for a minute over a year ago when took Mom half way to spend time recovering from her hospitalization at their house (I’ve mentioned our living conditions...). He didn’t show any signs of recognition anymore. Yesterday Mom called me while my sister-in-law was out (Mom won’t call me when they are around to avoid ranting) and I could hear my nephew talking to himself as he played, his voice like a little bird chirping. I realized that I have never actually heard him speak in person because he was a totally non-verbal then. I’m afraid as far as he is concerned I don’t exist.

I know people wonder why I was banned from my brother’s house. “what did you do?” Saying, well the first time I was told never to come back I played a Wallace and Gromit DVD. It was so baffling how me playing it in a room alone could get him shouting I was “the most selfish bitch alive” for my choice of DVD, but there you go.

A few months later I did start going back, but that time I tried to photograph my parents beside the house extension we were putting in, and my brother thought I wastaking a photo of him andmy nephew. He hates photos being taken and threatened to smash my camera, started with the insults, called me a coward when I went into the house to get away from him rather than fight, then mocked me when I came  back out rather than wake my napping sister-in-law. I started crying (trying soooo hard not to) and he lay into me for that. I always told my parents not to defend me since it would reinforce my brother’s peculiar “you love her more” narrative and it would make him more vicious, but it made me feel extra alone as he was attacking me, all in my face and snarling like he would get. I muttered “Sometimes I could just  kill you” which was NOT meant as a real threat at all, and he knew that very well. Still he announced I was to leave or he would call the police and he could say I threatened his life.

And that was that. At first My parents and I thought it would blow over. It didn’t. We thought holidays would be an exception. They weren’t. We thought when Pop got sick he would relax about it. Nope. So that’s been that.

The thing is, it shouldn’t be a surprise. For years he’d been saying he loved Mom, loved but also hated Pop, and just hated me. I think partly Pop and are were disappointments to him, like we should be whatever fantasy he had of what we should be and if only he could bully us right we’d change. Pop and I did tend to think alive, where Mom and my brother thought a bit more alike, the basic mental wiring. But it was a way of seeing us, Mom the one who sacrificed (like about getting a PhD) to join Pop here, Pop the person working so many ambitious projects (like the submarine or the journey round the world in the boat) that never actually were finished, and me the smart sister turned utter loser (and college drop out to his multiple degrees). I knew he hated me, and maybe he was right to at least have no respect for such a pathetic creature, but I somehow had managed to believe that down deep he loved me.

You know, when he was a teenager he pointed a loaded gun to my head saying he was going to kill me, and I was totally calm about it. Part of it was the adrenaline, but part of it was a trust that while he was emotionally freaking out and might accidentally kill me, he did not really want me dead. Would I be so fearless now when I no longer trust his love is in there somewhere waiting to be talked down? I dunno.

Now, for the record, my family was NOT physically or emotionally abusive. Heck, my parents never even spanked us. We were never grounded, given time outs or bullied. While my father would break things when really upset, he NEVER, EVER hurt anyone or threatened to hurt anyone. My parents were  confused how sibling rivalry and child defiance of a father could become so monsterous. They wondered what they did wrong. The thing is, it really wasn’t entirely some failing in out part.

Amazingly my brother was an incredibly sweet child. He constantly told us he loved us, gave us drawings he made and wrote “I love you” on, hugged us, kissed us, laughed and ...  He was exactly the opposite of what he is now.

I can track it, the step by step path that led to this point.

It begins at school. When he entered first grade to be precise.

In first grade my brother got good grades, despite my parents questioning whether he was having difficulty reading. The teacher would reassure them that he was doing just fine....and then he failed first grade. When my parents wanted to know what had happened, the teacher said my brother had seemed so smart she had assumed it would work out. **sigh**

So my parents did what you would expect. They started working with my brother. They had always read to us (and I read as long as can remember) but now they started using work books, flashcards, and anything else that they thought might help. To my brother this was like being punished while I was off doing other things, and how he felt about me began to change.

Now I get this bothering him. I was bothered too. I knew my brother needed help, but I also knew they were spending all this time with him but so little with me. No one helped me with my homework, because I didn’t need it. I was “fine”, I was always “fine”. Where as my brother as a toddler would try to run (and made it once!) across highway 64 with all it’s traffic, laughing as we chased him, toddler me (when I couldn’t find my father and grandfather who were working and supposed to be watching me...the place it big) decided to walk home and famously was spotted by people carefully crossing that crazy busy highway and walking back along the side of the road. I was seen as gaving good judgement, bright, blah, blapg. Stephanie is always “fine”. 

The difference is that while I saw the attention my brother got when no one even cared what I did in school, (they even let me sign my own papers because they were busy and knew I was doing fine...I HATE that word fine!) and was unhappy, I didn’t get angry at anyone. I understood, and other than a few bouts of grumpiness at my parents wishing that they would pay atrention to me a bit. But to my brother it was different. He was angry, and most of that anger settled on me because I was “fine”, a sort of feeling he had that I must be loved more since I wasn’t the one suffering.

Then it got worse.

His second grade teacher was horrible to him. She picked on him and bullied him continually. In front of the whole damn class she would called him stupid and mock him. He was NOT stupid! He was dyslexic!

My parents had to work to persuade then to have him tested. This was not even on the radar of out hick town school in the early 1980s. They had to bring someone in to test him, and when it proved the suspicions it proved no help at all. See, the teachers had never heard of such a thing, so to them “dyslexic” meant “stupid”.   They considered kids “normal”, “smart”, or “stupid” with no nuisance at all. And that damn teacher kept at it, more intently than ever.

Worse for my relationship to him, the teacher and her aide had another angle of attack. “He’s not smart like his sister!” Do you know how horrible that is, constantly comparing a kid to another kid? In first grade my tracher had started that, telling the class “Why can’t you all be like Stephanie?” “You should try to be smart like Stephanie” Do you know what that does? It does NOT make the kids you want to change change, instead they glare at that kid you are comparing them to with pure hate. And now the little brother that had loved me, was being bludgeoned with me as a weapon. 

He didn’t tell us any of this at the time. He was far too scared of her. It slipped out bit by bit over then next few years.

One day he hid to try to avoid going to class. I found him and talked to him, trying to be reassuring and comforting. You see, I was having an awful time in school, being bullied every day. I thought, three years older than him, I understood and I was being encouraging when I was saying if I could do it I knew he could. And then I told Pop where he was.

My brother still brings this up as a huge betrayal. It is one of the worst things I ever did to him, though I did it out of love and ignorance.

So it began. My brother’s resentment and hostility. A bubbling rage began to build. He started seeing as opposite, if something was tough for him he would insist it was easy for me. To this day he insists I was popular and happy in school! It’s nuts. Mom laughs at the thought. In that one year in kindergarden I went from so outgoing I spoke to anyone to so introverted I couldn’t make eye contact or order in a restaurant. I went from normal weight to the fattest kid in the class, for the first time in my life started wetting the bed, began to jump at the sounds like someone with PTSD, and would come home crying, begging my parents to tell me why everyone hated me. I was picked on for everything including my breathing! But he didn’t remember preschool me so he didn’t know I’d changed, and he was so lost in his own pain he couldn’t see mine.

And it went like this. Now I am NOT minimizing what he went through. While I had many teachers that openly delighted whenerever I made a mistake and, bafflingly, saw me as some sort of threat, clearly what he went through with that teacher was worse.

Let me be clear again, my brother was NOT stupid! He was one of the top five students by graduation, in college he studied chemistry where he was the only undergraduate working on a project, one a national prize, and after getting his degree went right back to get a degree in computer programming. He could very well be smarter than me!

But elementary and high school were hell. For both of us, to be honest, we just manifested it differently.

 I can only imagine the constant “she’s smart, you’re not” pressure he was under. I know even as an adult his default when upset was to call himself “Stupid!” “Idiot!” Or “Moron!” No matter how often my parents and I tried to tell him otherwise, he never believed us. He was constantly tense and chewed his fingers until they bled. And behind his eyes you could see the pain and rage. He got so he would not want anyone to see him show emotions, even taking his gifts at Christmas into his room to open. He got aggressive and growly, not just in a teen boy way. He would let anyone hug him anymore, not even Mom. We wanted to hug him, we knew he needed a hug, even wanted a hug, but if you tried he’d slug you and leave a bruise. 

With me his aggression just got worse. Violent, not just slugging. Not when our parents were around, of course. Then it was just verbal.  He was disgusted by me. I’d become withdrawn more, fatter, and, as I used to say, “terminally insecure”. Maybe he couldn’t stand my increasing loser status because if I was supposed to “better” than him according to the teachers, then how terrible must he be? He needed me to be better than Inwas, just as he always blamed our parents a bit for not saving him from that teacher, despite the fact they hadn’t known at the time what was going on.

One quick point: what happened to my brother inspired Pop to run for school board right after that. He thought it was the best way to help both my brother and others like him. I think the last straw was seeing that abusive teacher won “teacher of the year” the next year. When Pop asked why they said it was because they were all sorry for her  because just before the vote she has a baby that was born with a serious birth defect. Sympathy is one thing, but “teacher of the year” for a woman that tormented my brother and changed him so completely? In one year he went from loving me to hating me, smiling to scowling, not questioning his own intelligence to never believing in it! So Pop went to the school board, became chairman, and what to you know, the way they treated my brother turned around over night (though how he felt didn’t)! But what about other kids without elected parents?

Anyway, the school years were not happy. Add my brother’s tendency to hold grudges and to lash out when hurt to the target painted on my back by the big mouthed teachers and I became his verbal, and sometimes physical, punching bag. Our parents would be working and he would go into jerk mode. Locking himself in my room to trash it. Calling me the most hurtful things he could. There are still holes in my door from a sword. (Yes, sword. We have a few...) When he would start getting rough I’d pin him, because though we did eventually end up the same height, I was bigger than him. He was skinny and I was just plain stronger. But once restrained, then what? In his rages he would snarl he would hit me when I let go, and eventually I’d have to. My dilemma was I was the big sister, the one that had always tried to protect him and never wanted to hurt him. When I was about 8 I got a blood vessel in my eye busted fighting a bully that was picking on him. I couldn’t hurt him, but when I’d let go he’d keep his promise. As my parents and I would say, he would never pull a punch.

Now my parents would try to get him to stop being such a jerk to me, but it only ever made him meaner. If they were defending me, he semed to think, that must prove they loved me more. They were working and we were on our own, but together out here on the farm, much of the time. Oddly being unsupervised had worked out great when we were little, but as we got older and the relationship got worse it was not great at all.

It’s so weird, looking at old photos. All those happy ones when were little. There isn’t a photo of me NOT smiling until I started school, and there isn’t one where he isn’t smiling and usually hugging me until that year with the teacher. Like OMG! He honestly seemed a different person. By our teenage years there are almost no photos of me smiling, and the few that show my brother smiling are rather threatening. 

We did have one powerful bonding moment one day. We just started talking, just spilling out all the horrible things and bullying we went through at school, that hell hole. We ended up sobbing and just holding each other. It was so intense I actually believed it was a breakthrough, a turning point out of the darkness. Nope. I made that mistake many times over the years.

And yeah, the gun incident happened. I survived, and between that and another incident when he nearly shot trespassers (that had permission we didn’t know about) when scared, I let my folks know I didn’t think he should be around them anymore. It was atypical for the family so it was startling, but his judgement worried me. 

But then came what was the worst turning point for many years. I dropped out of college. It would take a while to explain, but it would make me the sole non-college in the family and the source of shame. It was unforgivable sin. While my brother had given up physical violence (and never hit me again) the verbal abuse got ....unrelenting. How bad did it get? When he would drive home I would hear the car and feel a full on hyperventilate “run away!” panic attack. He’d come home from college and I’d shake at the sound of his voice. I won’t list all the things he said, but it boiled down to my worthlessness.

That said, he still would seem to love and want my company. He asked me to go on trips, like to Germany and Montreal, and despite the fact I would always swear never to travel with him again afterwards. He gave gifts that showed thought, cards, and moments of sweetness would slip out.

Still, I began to notice something else. When things were good, he was wonderful, but when things were stressful he’d get mean. 

Believe it or not, there were a few years I got my hopes up that hehad outgrown it, or worked past it or let go of that childhood rage or...something. He was great, no longer tormenting me. The only teasing was affectionate, without the cruelty. He did little kindnesses, joked, showed concern, and smiled. It was like having the little brother that had been so close to me back. Even at his wedding the two of us kept giggling uncontrollably every time we looked at each other. 

It didn’t last. It took a few years, but it started building up all over again. I expect it was the stress he was feeling with a new marriage to someone with rather set ways ,interpersonal conflict on the job, a new house he’d bought, eventually fatherhood, and the initial denial anything was wrong with the nephew followed by the difficult reality. Then there was the fact that had set in that I was no longer the fattest in the family, but he was...something else to hold against me. 

So the point is, by the time he had a lot of things eating at him. He was having health problems I worried were stress related, that certainly didn’t help his mood. And there I was, unmarried, no kid, only working with Pop not a “real” job as far as he was concerned (HA!), none of the things weighing on him. Clearly, he would assume, my life must be better. That ignores my lived reality, but he always has ignored my point of view. As far as he was concerned I’d somehow cheated. And if my parents let me get away with it, well then, they must love me more.

So he promises to make my newborn nephew hate me. He picks on my continually. When I have a breathing attack and my heart goes nuts, he says to film it if I’m dying so he can watch it over and over laughing. He refuses to help us more than five minutes on the house extension, shouting “I can’t work with you people!!” And on and on. So why did I not see this final break coming? 

He isn’t happy. Even hearing about him through Mom I can tell that. I wish I could help him, but I never could. 

What’s strange is the fact I didn’t feel relieved by the break. Not seeing him meant sparing myself the weekly emotional rollar coaster, the walking on eggshells waiting for the moment he’s have a go at me. Instead I fell apart. I used to never cry, but I started then. I’d have meltdowns over it, thinking my life had hit the lowest it could get...the loss of my brother and nephew.

Of course, Pop started getting sick almost exactly then, and six months later he was diagnosed. It’s all been down hill from there! So I guess when you think you’ve hit rock bottom it might just be a bounce along the rock face as you keep plummeting.

My brother is still furious at me, and honestly I would  apologize whether I feel I did anything wrong or not if I thought it would do any good. But I know him. If I apologize he would take it as proof he was right. He doesn’t do forgiveness, more like gloating and justification for further jerk behavior. I’m not even exactly sure what he would want me to apologize for.

I’ve tried asking Mom for advice, but he baffles her and she says there is nothing I can do. Pop couldn’t help when he was alive either, not only because he didn’t understand it but he was enduring his own continual insults from my brother. I watched Pop sit there sobbing after a phone call with my brother, while Pop was sick but not diagnosed. That makes me angrier than any of the things my brother ever did to me. Apparently, to this day my brother is angry at Pop for not finishing the extension. Well he died damn it!

 The point is, all these experts that lecture how you must go to any length to have a good relationship with your siblings, tell me how the hell I can fix this. All those years of putting up with it, trying to make peace, trying to talk, reflexively saying I was sorry, occasionally arguing back intently and generally enduring sure didn’t help........

[handonhaven]

So I've been seeing people say that 3x13 just proves that Landon is always leaving Hope. And that he just keeps feeding into her fears and insecurities(blah blah blah) and not caring about what she might need right now. Or saying things like he's in a relationship he should talk to Hope about his PTSD because that's what you do in a relationship. You don't just walking away or make certain choices on your own and so on.

Okay why are people still with this he always leaves her? When has he ever left her? Because all the times they bring up he was either sent away, kidnapped or need it a minute to himself. I guess that could say the last episode he did leave her. But if you look at everything that episode was telling us. You know he was just doing that to protect her(just like Hope would've done if she was in his shoes).

And how is he feeding into her fears and insecurities? If anything he's done the exact opposite. And he does care about what she needs. But has anyone stopped to think about what Landon might need right now? Yes they both through hell this season. And I can't honestly say that one was worse than the other because they're both bad in their own ways. But sometimes a person needs to take care of what they need right now for their own mental health before they can help someone else. And even though Landon is trying to take care of himself right now, he's still doing what he can to keep Hope safe.

Okay even though I can agree with that about the relationship part. Sometimes it's not always as black and white as people make it out to be. Thing with Landons PTSD that's something he has to bring himself to talk about when he's ready not when someone else wants him too. And that thing about walking away or making certain choices on your own. That depends on the situation that they're in(like when Hope jumped into malivore without talking to him first). And that was the case with 3x13. And I honestly feel like if people could just look past their hatred for a character/ship and actually see what's going on. They they would understand that. But I bet if it was there ship that was in the situation that Handon is in now they would be able to see and understand what's going on.

Another thing I saw is people saying that they don't feel like Landon has had any character growth this season with his fighting skills and all because we didn't get to see it. I mean I would love if we got to see what Landon went through in the PW. But I feel like they're saving that for a flash back episode. Because Aria had long hair in a lot of the promos for this season. So I feel like that's why his hair was short again in 3x13.

I found this kind of funny. People start it bullying Courtney just because of a ship. So she blocked them and then the same people who bullied her got mad at her for blocking them. It makes no sense at all. With the way a lot of H*sies has gotten this season im kind of hoping their ship never happens just out a spite. I know it's wrong to say that but that just how I feel right now. Because it's gone past the show and onto the cast and crew themselves and that's not okay.

Wow this got longer than I meant it to. My bad.

Of course, not at all surprised to hear that. This is why I’m trying to steer clear of the hate, I’m just so done with these people spewing endless crap about him for years now, always the same distorted stuff that’s not even true. And they really cling to this idea they’ve created that he’s always leaving. There aren’t any good reasons to hate on him, so they’ve gotta come up with something I guess, but it’s ridiculous. He could leave Hope to go to the bathroom and they’d say he abandoned her again. You’re right, for the most part, they bring up times when he didn’t actually leave her. Walking away/leaving the conversation is not the same thing as actually leaving someone or abandoning them. Yes, he was sent away from the school twice in season 1, when he didn’t want to leave. And there were the few times he left because he needed time to himself, and for good reason. Him finding out Hope had lied to him about about his mom who he’d wanted to know his whole life, getting all his memories of Hope back and learning the truth and that she’d let him be with Josie, losing his brother and his powers and not knowing what his future would be, are all perfectly valid reasons for him to be hurt and overwhelmed and need to leave to take some time for himself. The only times he has actually left Hope were in 2x07 and 3x13. And both times were to protect her. Exactly, it’s obvious the reason he left last episode, and yep, Hope would’ve done the same thing, we’ve literally seen that. If Landon had stuck around, I’m sure those same people would attack him for it. Saying how dare he risk bringing danger to Hope and the school in season 2, how selfish of him. Or how dare he not do anything to save Hope from activating her vampire side now. But in the end, Landon never leaves for good, he never intends to anyway, I don’t believe. He always comes back, he’s never truly abandoned Hope.

And yeah, I have no idea what people are talking about when they say he feeds into her fears and insecurities. Exactly, he has done the opposite, he has understood her better than anyone else at that school. He has always reassured her and helped her through her fears and insecurities. If their only evidence is him “leaving” her, that just doesn’t apply. And again, both times he left, he was trying to do what he believed was best for her.

But how can they say he doesn’t care about what she needs? We don’t know all that Landon is thinking right now or all he’s been through, but it’s clear that he is trying to do what is best for Hope right now, he has shown that Hope’s life and her wellbeing is his priority. And we don’t know how he felt about breaking up with her, but he must have felt it was necessary to save her. Between causing her temporary heartbreak and saving her life, we know Landon would choose to save her life, as much as he wouldn’t want to cause her any heartbreak. He would know that he and Hope can come back together again as they always have, that can be fixed, but once she activates her vampire side, there’s no going back. So he obviously does care a lot about what she needs. He was willing to leave and go face who knows what after everything he’s been through, when he is traumatized, all to save her. We saw him struggling being back in the real world and around people, and now he’s willing to go do whatever it takes to save Hope while in the midst of his PTSD. And you’re totally right, people really don’t think about what Landon needs. Landon has every right to take care of himself right now, if that’s part of what he’s doing, especially after all he’s been through. I completely agree, if someone doesn’t take care of themselves and their own mental health, they’re not always going to be able to help someone else. I’m not even sure if Landon can take care of himself right now in the way he needs to with what he’s doing and working with Cleo and all that. But if he does want to try and heal while he’s away, that’s extremely important. He deserves that, and hopefully he’ll be able to find a way to heal after everything.

And when it comes to Landon talking to Hope about his PTSD, he had only been back for one day! Literally, he was overwhelmed and couldn’t find the words yet, like he said. He told Hope a little bit about the monster at the school. He told her what happened to him overall, while they were in the forest. And that was basically the only time they had to talk about it! Hope even apologized for rushing him. And of course you should communicate when you’re in a relationship, but trauma is different. You’re right, Landon should be able to talk about it when he’s ready to. Just like Hope said, he should be able to take as much time as he needs to tell her what happened. It truly baffles me how people can be so unaware that they’d say stuff like that, but it’s probably the same people who thought Hope should have grieved Landon and moved on after a week, so they would say something like that.

I think with making certain choices on your own, it does depend on what it is. Hope did choose to jump into Malivore without telling Landon, they’ve both done things like that. And the only reason they don’t discuss it with each other is because they’d obviously try to stop each other from doing it. Landon would have tried to stop Hope from jumping into the pit if she’d told him. If Landon told Hope what he was gonna try and do in 3x13, she probably wouldn’t have let him go or she would’ve gone with him, which he maybe thought would be more dangerous for her. So when they make choices on their own, it’s usually to keep each other safe. And they’re not always the best choices, but they’re trying to do what they think is best in these crazy situations they’re in. People seriously do need to look past their hatred, they really don’t seem to understand what actually goes on in the show because of it. Oh, they’d definitely be able to understand what was going on if it was their ship in Handon’s place. They’d have no problem with any of the things they criticize Handon for if it was their own ship.

Okay, idk if there’s anyone more disappointed than I am that we didn’t get to see Landon in the prison world. I would be thrilled if we got a flashback episode at some point. I’m just worried because the writers have done this sort of thing a lot, they’ll build something up or have something huge happen without ever actually exploring it. And it seems they’ll often do it just to get to where they want, in this case, Landon being stronger, without making the effort to show that progression. I hope this time it will be different, because yes, his hair was long in the promos. So why would they do that if we weren’t really gonna see him with his long hair? And it would also be so bizarre if they pinned Aria’s hair back for all those months just for a brief shot, not even showing all of his hair anyway. So I’m really wondering about all that, but even if we never see what happened, that doesn’t mean Landon hasn’t had any growth. It just means the writers are too lazy to show how it happened, and we just see the end result, but the growth still happened.

And really? I’m glad she blocked them, but wow. It seems those fans are always gonna be attacking someone who could be a threat to their ship. And getting mad at her for blocking them? It really doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. And I get how you feel, I’m hoping their ship never happens either. And not even just because of the ship, but because of the fans, it’s all gone way too far. I thought it was bad a year ago, but it keeps getting worse. It was bad when they were just attacking other fans, then it got even more horrible when they started attacking Aria, and now Courtney? That kind of behavior should never be rewarded. And I think they just keep making it worse for themselves. Have they not gotten the message after the writers had Hope and Josie interact only a couple times in half a season? I’m pretty sure the writers aren’t happy with them. Do they really think bullying Courtney now is gonna get them what they want? From how everyone has reacted to their behavior so far, I’d say they have probably ruined their chances of H*sie happening at this point.

And it’s fine, look how long my response got haha, it’s all good! ��