#sometimes i feel bad that i didn't make a separate blog but a. i cannot compartmentalize to save my life b. i really didn't expect anyone

[trashlie]

also starting to think I should better organize all my ILY posts (besides using the ILY Brainrot tag) and better organize my character tags (since many weren't tagged in the past or I was using a different name or even forgot full names lol). I'd like to use theme tags but aside from ships idk what to go with, so I'll ruminate on that, but if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to let me know. I know it's not easy to dig through pages and pages and pages of the ILY Brainrot tag, but hopefully at least having character tags makes it a little easier to sift? I think I'll also create an additional tag for commentary - aka all my FP thought dump posts - so if you only want those, that can filter them. I've also begun using ILY Ask for posts for what is sent in via asks. But yeah, if you have any suggestions, let me know!

[mewos-laptop]

Yoooo intro post ???? ‼‼‼

Hey gamers, uhhh I'm Mewo/Albedo/Fruity and this is my general/mix of so much shit blog !!! My other one is strictly alterhuman based primarily, but I wanted one that my irl friends are permitted to be privy to lmao

Abt me: I'm queer, generally using the label "gay" for myself, an agender trans boy, and polyamorous aromantic/fictoromantic. I use a shit ton of pronouns, but I primarily use it/its, xey/xem, and rlly any noun neopronouns. I also use he/him, however I am brought much joy by my neopronouns being used, so he/him is secondary :P. I'm diagnosed with clinical anxiety (over most of the anxiety disorder spectrum, so including OCD and social), depression, and Hypermobile Spectrum Disorder (HSD), and am self diagnosed autistic, ADHD, and BPD.

I'm a singlet who will sometimes use we/us pronouns !!!! This is because I have severe separation of myself and my emotions and actions. I am aware and conscious that I am a single person logistically, however my lack of identity and moodswings cause me to feel that separation of self.

SPEAKING OF WHO I AM, KIN LIST JUST DROPPED Y'ALL (Subject to change/being outdated bc I don't have enough time in my day to add and remove every single questioning kin everytime smth happens in my brain XD)

We also have a list of "emotions" which may take hold, and information about them.

I'm an alterhuman, a xenogender user, and generally the cringiest person you'll meet !!! My interests that I'm gonna post abt mostly are alt fashion/fashion in general, OMORI/rlly just my friend's OMORI posts, my friend's writing projects, my own writing projects, Regretivator, various mental health stuff, and rlly just anything in general that I like (speaking of which check out Carolina Magat on YT/The Nursery Series my friend [@valleyfthdolls] makes it and it's cool and I play Cody hehe)

I'm a scene kid in style/music taste and a punk in ideals, sparkledog nightmare cringe boyfailure, baby Kandi kid, and the scary faggot transspecies the conservatives warned you about.

Oh yeah, I'm also a minor (16-18 age range) sooo NSFW/NSFT dni plsss Xp

Other DNI shit. I don't cover everything, but I do just block ppl who make me uncomfortable :3

-Including an entire new paragraph for this bc holy shit. THOSE WHO ARE NOT PLURAL WHO ENGAGE IN SYSCOURSE DO NOT INTERACT. No, I do NOT care abt your "hot takes" on endos, you are not plural, so leave it alone. I do not give a shit if sum1 is an endo, it literally has nothing to do w/ me, and I am not plural, so I do not understand that experience whatsoever. Leave it to plurals themselves to talk abt this shit, bc I am so tired of seeing singlets yap on and on abt endos.

-Identity police (specifically ppl who hate "conflicting" queer identities, bc literally sum1's identity has nothing to do w/ you XD), proshippers (I am fully aware it's fiction, no, I do not hate those who engage with hard topics in fiction, but that does not mean I want the romanticized view of those things for the titillation of the viewer on my dash, ESPECIALLY due to it triggering my intrusive thoughts), racists, homophobes, transphobes, Zionists, pro-cringeculture, anti-recovery blogs, anti-alterhuman, intersexists, radfems, blah blah blah y'all get it.

BYI: I will post the occasional vent, I have a godawful memory, and I am severely mentally ill. I will often react before thinking when I am in states of distress, and my BPD can make me inappropriately angry, or inappropriately emotional. I have a hard time remembering trigger tags at times due to my bad memory, so please give me gentle reminders if I mistag something, or if I forget to tag something for you. Just in general, if I do something that makes you uncomfortable, give me a gentle reminder, because chances are I just literally didn't realize/or I forgot.

Alr bye bye :3

[aromanticgarbage]

h3h3 said that joji ghosted him after he got famous, ian says they don't talk anymore too. I wonder if max was the only one he was really close with or maybe they just recently reconnected.

Ok that's a tricky topic of conversation. Read more because as always i cannot shut up.

H3h3 and iddubz don't really mean anything to me outside of their old filthy frank collabs. I actually actively dislike them. Yeah you read that right. Thats why ive tried to make the fact that i am NOT running a cancer crew blog here clear. I just hate iddubz's old solo content. Seeing him beat himself up online nowadays isn't great either but by god his old stuff is so so bad (to me). Internet drama and borderline hate speech is a recipe for disaster and if he was smarter he would have seen this coming. I understand that some people like his older stuff out of nostalgia but i am not affected by this. I was not into YouTube back then. Im still not into YouTube. I only know of him and h3h3 because im obsessed with their old homie. My perspective is different, these people barely mean anything to me.

Ok now, disclaimers aside. Ethan said that joji told him not to call him filthy frank when he was talking about his music and he personally interpreted that as him being embarrassed of his past. Personally its just clear to me that what joji was asking for when he was taking his first steps as a full time music artist was space. Being known as an ex youtuber can kill someones career and considering the sort of content he was making as ff it just doesn't seem weird to me that he wanted to separate the two lol. He gave countless interviews where he mentioned his old content and that he understood why people found it so hard to move on from such an iconic character but that he didn't like conflating the two. And even then, a few years later he was encouraging fans at his concerts to chant filthy frank so i cant help but feel like Ethan's assumption that he is embarrassed and trying to forget it ever happened is baseless and biased. And after that....well. Its pretty clear to me that h3h3 used to be enjoyed by people but its had a pretty obvious dowfall since then. Idc about Ethan's drama (or the man himself for that matter) but to be completely honest i wouldn't keep in contact with him either. Idk if you are one of those people who still enjoy his podcast but to me and to many others it just seems bad. Real bad. A lot of drama and too little substance.

Now Ian...Ian is definitely less clear to me as an outside observer. I may not like ~the old iddubz~ but joji obviously didn't have a problem with him. They always seemed to get along pretty well on all the behind the scenes and going through the cake trilogy together probably means that they developed something similar to a warriors bond. He was fun on their collabs. But alas, sometimes people who used to be close just stop keeping in touch. A lot of Joji's old college friends (pookie/david, the shaman/lewys, wheelz/tyrell) are no longer in contact with him and yet they all speak of him very highly. People online like to act like he somehow ""betrays his roots"" by not keeping up with people he collaborated with on youtube back in the day but youtube isn't his roots lmao. His high school and middle school japan friends have always clearly been very important to him and he never fell out off touch with them. He is often touring alongside Rei Brown and he has mentioned in interviews that he relies on these friendships on his day to day life (admittedly the interview im talking about was from 2018 but there's no reason to assume that he has suddenly stopped talking to people that he has been friends with since he was like 12 years old). At the end of the day he doesn't owe people online to keep in contact with anyone. People grow up and change and not all relationships survive the test of time. And thats okay. Stuff happens, people move on. For what its worth tho, i feel like iddubz's drama driven channel (because lets be fair the content cops were his biggest thing and they were youtube drama no matter how self righteous or fair they seemed at the time) didn't help. The thing about joji is that he had always avoided internet drama like it was the plague, which is once again one of those things that i appreciate deeply about him. I hate internet drama. But even my kinda biased opinion aside, the reality of the situation is probably very simple. They are both grown adults who live very different lives. They hanged out together during a few summers a lot of years ago. They followed different paths in life. It happens. Joji has been very offline for years now and i get the impression that he tends to isolate himself when his health acts up so its probably not that hard to fall out of touch with him.

And last but not least....Max. I won't lie, out of the cancer crew the only other person i actually like besides my man Joji is Max. Maybe he really was closer with Max, i certainly find him more likable. Around 2018 both Joji on twitter and Max on that one cold ones podcast episode said that they still keep in touch. Max was replying to a lot of Joji's tweets up untill the nectar era but once again, at the end of the day they live in different countries. I obviously have no way of knowing if they were still as close as they used to in the following years. Maybe they grew more distant for a while, maybe they reconnected around 2023 when joji took chad and max backstage at his concert, and then of course the wedding !! Its all very sweet, the gimme love Max and Chad video from the concert lowkey made me tear up.

But once again, at the end of the day they are all living their own lives, doing their own thing. And people who act like they owe it to them to be each others everything forever and ever because they met online a decade ago and collaborated on some extremely iconic videos make me laugh.

[doomstar-requiem-sharks]

Redoing the first post I ever did on this blog: Trying to assign a shark to CFO🦈

The first time i did this I was honestly very nervous about putting my stupid takes out into the fandom, but I'm ready now, and I have stronger CFO shark opinions. I'm linking to all the sharks' Wikipedia pages, for those interested in sharks!!

I gotta be honest, this is about Charles, but mostly this post is me sharing fun shark facts. I hope you guys are chill with that.

Same as the last time, I still have some honorable mentions.

(ALSO i tagged this post under some shark tags, this is the guy we're talking about, btw, I'd love for you guys to vote in the poll at the bottom of the post)

I considered something like the Basking Shark. However, they're quite large, and I think Charles looks harmless, so the Basking shark was out. Additionally, despite they're large size, they're pretty docile. They're one of the three species of sharks that eat plankton! But, I envisioned a slightly more slender, swift hunter type of shark.

I also considered a type of Thresher Shark, as I liked their unique appearance, but ultimately I couldn't decide on a species. I think I wanted Charles to be one just because they have cool caudal fins.

I very briefly considered The Great White, because to most people that's the shark. But I just wasn't feeling it. They're cute, but I don't see Charles being one.

In the original post I listed The Silky Shark, but I'm taking this back, because now that I think about it, I just wanted Charles to be a Silky Shark because they're my favorite....

Moving on to the real choices now.

Bull Shark (Carcharhinus leucas)

The Bull Shark is one of my favorite sharks. It's in the family Carcharhinidae, which makes it a Requiem Shark! (which is also where I get my tumblr name from) I didn't do this on purpose, but all the sharks in this list are actually Requiem Sharks. Requiem sharks are known for being very fast and efficient hunters, and of course the Bull Shark is no exception. Bull Sharks are known to be aggressive towards people, alongside the Great White and the Tiger shark (though don't let a certain awesome 1975 movie fool you, you're odds of being attacked by sharks are very slim, these bad boys are just know for doing it the most) Bull sharks are euryhaline, meaning they can adapt to water of varying salinity, meaning they can do just fine in freshwater. This sort of adaptability reminds me of Charles, and tbh, I think Bull Sharks just kind of look like him some how.

Blue Shark (Prionace glauca)

The Blue Shark looks like a goober. You can find them fucking everywhere, check out this map from Wikipedia. They're one of the most wide-spread shark species!

The Blue Shark's name isn't a stretch, they really are blue! Curious, and not typically aggressive, they've been known to approach divers. They're also known to be more social than other sharks, and sometimes travel in schools separated by sex, at least as juveniles. It's slender, streamlined appearance makes me think of Charles, in the sense that somehow the Blue shark looks like it'd wear a suit, but maybe more like a silly colored suit. Like blue! The long pectoral fins also remind me of him, for some reason. I don't know why, it's not like he has long arms?

If you're familiar with the BLÅHAJ, you may know the blue shark! The common name for Prionace glauca in both Swedish and Dutch is blåhaj, which just means Blue Shark!

Oceanic Whitetip Shark (Carcharhinus longimanus)

A shark with a very good design, look at that aesthetically pleasing coloring and the rounded fins? This is someone's OC shark, i swear. The Oceanic Whitetip is listed as critically endangered by the IUCN. They cannot pump water through their gills, so they're one of the shark species that has to always be moving! They're more leisurely while swimming, and have been known to breach the water.

Honestly, I think this is a good candidate for Charles shark because I just love the way these sharks look!

Sandbar shark (Carcharhinus plumbeus)

This silly guy is the Sandbar shark, one of the largest costal sharks in the world! They're known for their brownish coloring (another common name for them is the brown shark) and their tall dorsal fin. They also have rather large pectoral fins. They are listed as endangered, as they are hunted for their fins. I chose this shark honestly because it's brown, and the aforementioned tall dorsal fin. I was mostly choosing the sharks based on looks, and this one easily looks the most like Charles to me.

Anyways, thanks for reading my silly shark post! When I did this like, three months ago, I was working on this AU thingy, but I'd got totally sidetracked trying to assign a damn shark to Charles. The original idea was he was gonna be like... y'know, a mermaid or something, but I never got around to working on it, mostly because of the sharks. If you have any interest in it, I could do Dethklok/any one else from MTL as sharks. Honestly, i'd love an excuse to combine my interests.

Oh also.

[abovetherainandroses]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Storm here! 🌩 Tysm for the tag @27-royal-teas! <3 I haven't done a tumblr meme thing in forever! And I don't really have any friends on this blog so I don't have anyone to tag, but if you're a writer who follows me, consider yourself tagged! (And also come be my friend)

This got long! I talk too much! Answers are below the cut!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

So I have two accounts lol, because for some reason I decided to make a separate RPF account even though I have other embarrassing things on main account anyway?? Anyway, I currently have 100 fics on my main and 5 on my RPF account.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

Across both accounts, 379,693 words for an average of 3.6k per fic. Longfic? I don't know her.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I usually write for one fandom at a time, but I will revisit/cycle through fandoms. Currently it's Fall Out Boy. Previously, I was writing some MCU stuff (mostly Spider-Man). Also wrote a handful of Good Omens stuff back when S1 came out. I have the most fics posted for Haikyuu (volleyball manga/anime) lol.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Oops I only have 5 fics so far on my RPF account and I'm still debating whether I want this account directly linked to my main.

But I will take this opportunity to tell anyone who needs it not to put too much stock into kudos!! Kudos count relies on a lot of factors, but a big two are fandom/ship size and when you post the fic relative to the height of the fandom's activity. (Getting in early with a fic right after a new movie/season/etc. comes out so you're one of the first fics for the New Thing can be huge too.)

External validation is obviously very nice but if you rely too much on it, you're not gonna have a good time.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Comments make my entire life and I always want to respond to them, but I inevitably fall off because the brain energy isn't there, and I keep putting it off, and putting it off, and putting it off, and then it feels too late. But seeing as I only have 5 fics on my RPF account, I recently went and responded to everything, even if it was years late. In the past few weeks I've actually gotten responses to some comments I left on fics like 3 years ago so it inspired me, haha.

I myself am not always good at leaving comments (continuous goal to get better at it), so I really appreciate the people who take the time to leave kind comments for me and I want to express that appreciation.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't usually write angsty fic... I'm too softhearted. That said, I have made a few forays into angst, but Your Mileage May Vary on which one is the angstiest. Is it the major character death? Is it the one where they're soulmates with the last words they'll say to each other written on their skin, and in the end it's not death that separates them, but their own inability to have a functional relationship with each other?

Or is it the one I didn't even think was super angsty and tagged "bittersweet ending" but then it made a bunch of people cry? I'm still like "...my bad" about that one lmao.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Fluff is my lifeblood and almost all of my fics have a happy ending. I couldn't tell you which was the happiest, haha. Again, I'm incredibly softhearted, and also a big sap. I cannot deny this!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Thinking very hard... I have been posting fic for............. several years so it is possible I am forgetting something but nothing comes to mind! I have always felt too relatively unknown for haters, which is just fine by me.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

"What kind" lol. What does that even mean. Listen, my kink is holding hands during sex and being ❤️ in love ❤️ (I mentioned I'm a softhearted sap, right??)

Sometimes I might explore some light kink but nothing too hardcore imo.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Again, I've been writing/posting fic for several years, so I could be forgetting something, but I don't remember ever writing a true crossover. Though in my personal definition of fandom terms, crossover = characters from fandom A meet characters from fandom B. I have written a few fusion AUs in my time (characters from fandom A existing in the world of fandom B), which you could say falls under the crossover umbrella. For example, I've written Kingdom Hearts characters in a Pacific Rim AU and Haikyuu characters in Dragon Age AU.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of. Though I did once see (this was a SUPER long time ago) someone repost my fic on tumblr the same day I posted it on FFN, even though I also posted the full text of the fic on tumblr myself. They credited my FFN account, at least, but like. Hey. Don't do that.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, I've had some fics translated into various languages! It's definitely an honor that people want to share some of my stuff in other languages and take the time to do that translation work. I try to ask people keep translations on AO3 but it hasn't always succeeded so there are some translations of my works floating around on foreign language fic sites... Ah well.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I successfully co-wrote one (1) fic with one of my friends years ago. I've tried a few other times to co-write fics (including with the same person) but none of them ever finished... Co-writing fic is hard! Idk how to do it effectively. I've done a handful of fic/art collabs with my wife though!

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

I don't know that I have a single all-time favorite ship, but Peterick is definitely the current fave. I........ adore them. So much.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Listen, I am a hoarder of WIPs and a clinger to delusions that they will one day be finished. But okay, one of my peterick WIPs from 2016-2017 that I really liked but highly doubt I'll ever finish is a no-band, dating show AU where Pete is the eligible bachelor on a queer offshoot of the Bachelor/Bachelorette and Patrick (through machinations by Joe) ends up as a contestant on the show. Patrick is camera shy and does not want to be there, but he made a deal with Joe to stay til he was eliminated. Pete, who just went through a public and messy divorce with Ashlee, does not want to be there, but he was guilt-tripped into using his moderate fame to help bring viewership to the underfunded little queer show.

Pete finds out Patrick never wanted to be there in the first place and offers to eliminate Patrick. I will copy/paste the next bit from my gdoc:

"[...] pete’s like what if…i didn’t eliminate you and we just stayed friends and hung out and stuff and patrick finds himself agreeing bc pete’s a really nice dude and they have a lot of interests in common

But then Patrick keeps sticking around through the weeks and Patrick and Pete fall in love and both end up having separate private crises because they agreed to be friends. Patrick sees Pete spending time with other candidates and clearly being attracted to them and it sucks because now Patrick is in love with Pete and Pete isn’t considering him at all. Meanwhile Pete is having a good time with the other candidates and sure there’s lust there and even some like but he can’t stop thinking about how perfect Patrick is for him except for oh wait Patrick doesn’t even want to BE here and Pete was the one who convinced him to stay and now he’s fucking in love with him."

Blah blah blah, stuff happens, Pete eliminates Patrick in the last few weeks then when he has to make the choice between the final two candidates, calls Patrick and confesses to him instead, blah blah blah, happy ending.

Anyway. I wrote 11k of that fic and I was about 1/3 of the way through. It will never be finished. But now I've told you all about it and that's good enough, right?

16. What are your writing strengths?

Internal narration and emotions. Tightly focused fics that span 1-3 scenes. Spelling and grammar.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Longfic or fic with several scenes that take place over an extended stretch of time. Related to that, coming up with external plot events rather than just internal conflict HAHA. Describing the setting/environment so the characters don't just exist in a nebulous empty space.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

As with most of my preferences re: fic, it depends on the execution. It can feel clunky and maybe even cringey, or it can feel natural and realistic. Just be intentional about how you're using it. Also, it always helps if you know a fluent speaker who can review it for you but understandably you may not always have someone like that.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Warrior... cats...

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

This is impossible to answer hahahaha. Certainly if we look at my main AO3. But if we're looking at my grand total of 5 (as of yet) RPF fics, I can say that I'm still quite fond of get us right (quitters never win), a fob AU fic where everything is the same but they all have minor superpowers, featuring empath!Patrick and telepath!Pete.

Aaaaand we are done! If you got this far, I am giving you cookies.

[the-lunar-warrior]

just wrote a Very Salty feedback ticket and idk, i feel like posting the whole thing here too. enjoy, or something

I usually refrain from being this crass when writing feedback, but the direction tumblr seems to be heading is directly detrimental to theplatform. And the new mobile lightbox frankly ssuck, among other things.

I have been using tumblr for close to 10 years. For much of it, I did not use the mobile app — nowadays I've been using it a lot more, and while sometimes annoying and buggy, it was an okay experience. Some of the recent changes, and the much more open communication has been very nice, but some are honestly making me question whether I shouldn't just quit.

I'm on tumblr to use tumblr. If I wanted to use tiktok, I'd open the tiktok app.

The new lightbox, and the way it takes you to a random freaking post if you swipe wrong is atrocious. Sometimes it happens when I'm trying to zoom in. Sometimes when im swiping to the side and I guess it wasn't to the side enough. It's infuriating. It would be infuriating if it only took you to a random post once there is no more photos in the current one, but no — if you swipe wrong at any point bye bye whatever you were viewing, please look at this unrelated post you don't want to see! And don't tell me they are related. I don't care. They are by a random person I don't follow. I don't want an algorithm showing things in my face. Stop it.

In the light of the recent changes, if I was not already a user, I would not become one. And I don't mean it in a "oh changes bad" way, I mean that the way I discovered tumblr has been actively cut off. Back when I first discovered tumblr, sometime in 2012/13, one could view the http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/tag even without account — I scrolled on it for hours by accident. I didn't know what tumblr was, I barely spoke english. I ended up doing that a second time, just to find a specific post — it was an upload of Phoenix by Fall Out Boys, sped up by 10%. I don't know if was uploaded directly to tumblr, but I know it did not force me to go and open spotify, or soundcloud, or any third party website to actually listen to the song. It stayed on tumblr.

Then I found some blogs I liked. I stalked them for months without an account, had them bookmarked. Today tumblr automatically tries to take you to the tumblr.com/username instead of url.tumblr.com, and when it does, it obscures the page and tries to force you to sign up. I would have never gotten invested in tumblr, in the community, if that was the case. If I couldn't freely browse peoples blogs, see their pages — remember pages? Remember that functionality that is becoming obscure instead of you promoting it? People now have a single pinned post where they often have a link to something like linktree or other third party website that lets them to what *tumblr was originally for*. To have a separate about page, or a page with their ships, or interests, their fic they are hosting here, that's *not a post that you have to link* but a url.tumblr.com/about or url.tumblr.com/fic or anything they desire bc it was a BLOG they are hosting on tumblr, not just an account on a social media site.

Remember webcomics hosted on tumblr? People used to do that. As a teen I wanted to do that. But tumblr is silently moving away from that functionality. Is making it harder and harder to use it as I thought intended.

I made an account after months of using tumblr. I sent asks without an account — and after I made one, an irl friend sent me some too, before she got her account. I browsed and read and learned english *without an account*. And when I made one, I made silly pages on my blog, like "people you should follow", or info pages about my ocs, or one that still exists but cannot be accessed from mobile app at all — my about page.

I understand many of the changes. I understand the monetization, and frankly think most of it is very fun and well done. But overall? You're shooting yourself in the foot. You're alienating existing, often long time users, and making it impossible to get into tumblr for possible new ones.

I know one bitter feedback ticket probably won't to anything. But I feel like I need to say all this somewhere. I loved tumblr for so so long, I recommended it to other people — the only way right now for you to get new users other than forcing people — but I don't anymore. I'm considering getting rid of the app from my phone — going back to using tumblr once every couple weeks when I open it on desktop, because... I'm tired. I'm so so tired of seeing things I lovef about tumblr disintegrate in front of me.

Thanks to whoever has gotten this far reading this. Have a nice day.

[brooklynislandgirl]

what’s your OTP when it comes to your muse?

A Little Turtle Talk || Accepting

Bri. Briiiiiiiiiii. I know you did this on purpose. You saw a pot and you just haaaaaaaad to stir it, didn't you? Well, what if I counter with...define the verse/fandom for your request. Because I too am the devil. <grin> Okay, just kidding. But what isn't kidding is that I don't have the same view as some people when it comes to the whole OTP thing. I think they exist. I know muns have their favourites, in and out of verse/fandoms. I am equal opportunity here, whether the pairing is romantic or platonic. In that spirit... Onto the OTPs: @multi-mused with Zarek Morrians, the Greek Demigod husband and Father of Beth's child, Styxx. This is Beth's first love. The most tragic and triumphant of them, the most complicated one I've written for ~checks with Kitmun~ six years, and two generations of muses. Currently Kit's super busy with real life, but she knows I am always here. @ronmanmob with Ron Kray, the younger gangster twin. This was a surprise to me because I've never before played with a fictional character that was also a real person. And the core of this pairing is the comfort of knowing, when you are a person with disabilities, that you have someone who understands you so completely, so doesn't make you feel othered, and is accepting. It's beautiful. @mynameisanakin with Anakin Skywalker. I love they're take so much. I have never once disagreed with a story, interpretation, plot, HC, or verse. I never intended to do SW on here, and yet, I will move the stars for Shady, for Anakin, and I love every verse we write together in. Also Shady may actually be the only person I know that can out salt me on the regular without even trying. @lokitheliesmith with...you guessed it... Loki. Now I am fully aware of rules as written. I honour and respect them. Beth on the other hand did what she eventually wanted to. I love the writing, I love the story. I love Hela. I love Bucky. I really just love writing with Z and am glad to be a partner in whatever way the story goes. Regardless of what happens here, I am absolutely with them until the end of the line, and I mean that in the most visceral way possible. But I would say... Loki could do much worse than having a friend like Beth. @whosxafraid with Luka. And Lorcan. We have spent years building up an alternate celtic mythology with one another, adapting the story as it goes. They don't always end up happy together, and sometimes those relationships shift in the verse but that makes things interesting. And as for Lorcan? I do not even know what to say. Crow and I will swear they cannot be left unattended for a single second with each other before there's fire, blood, screaming...and biting. And neither of us can say those are bad things. @rugini with Baz. Crow stares at me. I stare at them. All of our various muses stare anywhere but at each other. Everyone is extremely uncomfortable about the heavy silence between us. This has been going on six years. In one verse, they may actually go out on their first date. In another, they might not kill each other. In a third...it will never be, no matter how hard everyone tried, but then again, isn't that the poignancy of a real life? @goodlawman With all of the Marshals. This might have to do with the fact that I absolutely adore Kmun with all my heart. They are also my Danny Williams. They are also my Martin Riggs. Every muse they've written feels like home, so comfortable, charming, troubled, and perfect. I love our verses. I love how we've managed to interconnect them in ways that are beautiful, and in other ways the stand-alone nature of the writing is equally fun, equally perfect. @tangleweave with...one could say all of the gentlemen on this blog, as we write stories with all of them, some interconnected, some separate. As I've said before a million times, the very first thing I noticed is that Matt is the only other person in all of this place that I've seen mention Beta Ray Bill, one of my longest held comic book loves, muchless play him as a muse. Taking a glance down the list, there isn't a single muse here that I, as a mun, don't love with every fibre of my being. That said, everyone probably expects me to say Stephen Strange. Especially those that suffered through casting changes melt-downs I had, the insistence of seeing it opening night some 45 miles away from where I live, and the years of subsequent velociraptor screeching. What can I say, I love my wizards. But my OTP here that took me by utter surprise was actually Eddie Brock. Maybe I should call it an OT3, because Beth doesn't love the alien symbiote any less than his human host.  Matt writes a beautiful, compelling antihero, and I live for this. We are also both convinced the muses started shipping themselves before we even noticed.

@thebiggestlies Oh you minx. I know you did it on purpose with Mischa. You gave me a beautiful, broody, and demented Malkavian. We write in verse, both our own and in other poetry. I would actually consider allowing you to carry out his plot to drive Andy to the brink and maybe nudge him off if there was a way that Beth would never know. And you took this tragedy of a story and you iced it with Larry, quite possibly my favouritest, funnest NOtp to ever exist. Damn you.

@therealgamble. With Brian. And part of this may be a mun otp, too. I think you're awesome, and you just GET it, although to be honest, there have been several times in our history as friends where I've actually had to consult other people as to whether or not you were being funny/snarky/ic or ooc. Tabs has always had your back on this, lol. And like Loki, I don't know if it's fair to call this an OTP, because 99% of the time I don't know that it is romantic, as opposed to what feels more natural, and that's a deep and all encompassing friendship that just has some questionable edges that blur over the line. Does Beth love Brian? Absolutely. Is Brian in love with her? The world will likely never know. But they would murder for each other, and do very questionable things for one another, so there's that. And between you and me? Thank you. {regarding Andy, and I don't have to explain}.

~*~ This is not exhaustive. I love all my partners, all our stories. Some of us are just starting out. Some of us have drifted apart. But Beth and I are alway here, and we are open to discussion, at the very least.

[cinary]

Hi - I hope you don't take this the wrong way because I do not think there is any malicious intent to what you are doing, but public bookmarks on AO3 are, well, public. As a result it is considered rude (and certainly against AO3 decorum) to leave critical commentary in said bookmarks, especially as us authors often check the bookmarks on our fics.

So to the extent that you want to note that a fic was too aggressive or not believable or surprisingly fast at places please note that in a private bookmark. Otherwise it feels like being invited into someone's house only to immediately start critiquing the decor and the food offered.

(I assume I have the blog for ao3 user cinary as their ao3 profile said they used the same url on tumblr - please disregard with my sincere apologies if there has been a mix up and you are not the intended recipient.)

Hi, thank you for the ask and the time you took to write this!

For a long time I didn't know that private bookmark is something that even the author cannot see and that's the reason I haven't used them. But also I needed a way to know what was my reaction to a specific fic and to be able to find what I was looking for in my bookmarks. So I tried to be gentle even if I didn't like something and a lone number seemed like a not bad way to indicate this for myself. When I found out that no, private bookmark are private for everyone but you I started using them and went back to make as many of them private as I could. But unfortunately, I have far too many of them to change each of them separately and they have been there for a long time anyway. I'm sorry for any of my old bookmarks that escaped my notice.

I'm making private every bookmark that has anything negative in there. Even the ones that I loved if there is anything like "I didn't really like the ending" or anything then I'm always making it private. I'm taking care that if it's not private then it has only my love (and "surprisingly fast" can definitely be a positive thing for me, although I have no idea where "too aggressive" came from as it should be private then and I genuinely don't know what happened that it's not). If you believe that all my bookmarks should be private even the ones that have only the positive comments then please let me know.

And to be honest? I also genuinely didn't think that anyone goes through the boomarks. Sometimes I liked to think that if my bookmark is basically a love note then it would be nice for the author and that's the reason why I don't just make all of them private. But at the end of the day I didn't think that if someone has 4784 bookmarks on one fic then they are going to notice mine or really anyone's. It's nice and humbling to know that they do.

Anyway, please let me know if there is anything I can do and sorry for taking up too much of your time!

[fox-steward]

hi. i hope you don't mind me asking this but i need some advice.

i was born female, and ive always been a tomboy, sometimes in the most stereotypical way. i was also a little lesbian who didn't know it yet. but after my younger sibling came out to me as trans, i started second guessing everything about myself.

for the sake of my sibling, who im closer to than anyone in my life, i learned about what theyre going through to support them and ended up getting taken in myself. i consumed all the yaoi and gay fanfiction they did, i read up on all the identities that were within the trans umbrella and eventually i started to think i wasnt a girl at all, but my infact a feminine transboy.

i never was able to transition on account of my family but the growing inner hate i felt for myself made me want to because deep down I knew that no matterr what i said or believed, id never be the cis gay boys i, essentially, fetishised and craved to be. it made me miserable, but i wanted to be accepted so badly that i stuck with it. but then i fou d your blog and others like it, and reading through it, whole reevaluating myself made me realise how misguided my mindset was.

despite realising that me being a tomboy is perfectly fine, i cant help but cling to that idea of being a boy, even though i have no idea what it means to "be a boy" or "feel like a boy". all i know is what the media portrays boys, feminine boys and gay boys to be like, and i clung to that idea for so long that i believed it to be my identity.

i just wanted to ask, if i can, how can i get over this mindset? i feel terrible because my younger sibling still identifies as trans without a shadow of a doubt, and my questioning of myself makes me feel awful, but i also feel bad because... i dont know who i am really now. how can i just be me again?

sorry this is long. any advice would be very very much appreciated.

it sounds like you’ve been through it, anon. whew! i just wanna acknowledge what a mindfuck you’ve been through, and it’s normal to feel no so great.

i actually think you’re grieving, strange as that sounds, but hear me out. being female is not easy, being a masculine woman comes with its own set of challenges, and imagining yourself as a “gay transboy” was an escape from all that. you could imagine a future for yourself where you grew up to be a gay man, not a gay woman. it’s worth noting relationships between men are the only sexual/romantic pairing that isn’t party to misogyny within the relationship itself.

it’s intoxicating to imagine we could have that ourselves, huh? it happened to me too, and i’m not even actually attracted to males at all, i was really just seduced by the idea of a relationship of equals.

but this. is. a. fantasy. one we as female people can never achieve.

so you’re grieving the vision you had for your future. your grief doesn’t care that the thing you promised yourself is impossible.

you’re undergoing another shift in the way you see yourself, the way you imagine yourself moving through the world. that’s hard, anon. being a tomboy, while absolutely lovely and perfectly fine, can be really difficult in our misogynistic society. it’s like that dworkin quote i’m about to butcher—something something absolutely excruciating to be fully aware of the misogyny all around us. you get the gist. and she’s right, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.

so idk, i don’t have any specific advice, but i do know a lot about grief. with grief, you gotta accept you’re gonna feel shitty for a while and absolve yourself of the responsibility of ~fEeLiNg HaPpY~ for now. i’m being flippant because happiness is a mirage anyway. we get pricks of joy, moments of brightness or laughter, flow and contentment, enjoyment, pleasure, and these fill in between other moments of discomfort or monotony or tedium or malaise or or or. and if we’re lucky we are aware when the good stuff is happening, so that we can pause and say, gee this is nice. and if you get enough of then and you’re aware enough as they’re happening, perhaps you can tie it up in a bow of hindsight and call it contentment.

tangent, sorry. practically, keep yourself busy and tire yourself the fuck out, tbh. when my wife left, i started just going and doing things, anything i didn’t actively NOT want to do. dancing, concerts, art class, bike ride, walk a friends dog, cooking class, sit in a field and listen to music.

just do anything. i know it’s hard during covid, but it isn’t so much WHAT you do but THAT you do. take the field example—you have to travel there (that kills time!) and maybe you walk or bike (that is physical activity) then you do the thing you planned to do (takes more time) and you have to travel home (more time and activity) then you have completed something you set out to do (an achievement/free endorphins).

i also took up running when she left (tire myself the fuck out) and that changed so much for me. with grief, rumination and sleeplessness plagued me; running took both those out of the equation. so my sleep improved, i got stronger and my cardiovascular fitness improved, i ate better, i got to see myself improve and achieve goals, got to build an identity separate from who i was in my marriage. so i cannot recommend running enough.

and as for identity, finding out “who you are”—identity is a trap. don’t cement yourself to any one thing because everything changes. don’t define yourself by externalities, just be open and curious about your inner life, your qualities (which are also able to change btw) and start to strengthen the ones you like, like training a muscle. i practice (literally practice) kindness and discipline, which are important qualities for how i see myself. i also practice at compassion and i like how these things make me feel and how i show up in the world when i’m practicing at them. what qualities will you train in yourself?

you’re not defined in relation to your sibling, btw, and they aren’t defined in relation to you. you can question transness while still loving them.

you’re gonna be just fine, anon. you have plenty of time. grieve the future you can’t have, even though it’s truly for the best, and cultivate a person in yourself you’re excited to be. good luck.

[thatpinkbetch]

I'm going to answer it this way, because I'm actually not a fan of some of those, and I've heard this is the way to do it if you don't want it ending up in the tag or the search I think? If i censor any of the ship names it's not out of malice! I simply don't want any of this to end up in front of eyes that just want to enjoy their ships 💖💖💖 if there is anyone who doesn't want to see opinions against t*d*d*ku, k*r*b*ku, or even iz**ch*ka, please don't read any further! Oh my goodness i hope this is all legible...

Anyways, hello!! Thank you so much for the ask!! I love talking about my opinion avkvmsocnaocjsoxks it also makes me really happy you like my blog 🥺🥺🥺 (I hope this answer doesn't ruin that avskvneognsocjs)

I'll start out by confirming that I'm not a multishipper. It makes me excited to see how the act of shipping itself can make others happy, but it's just not that way for me. I actually never read fanfic until I got into bnha (bkdk is just that powerful 😁😁) I'm actually...a little serious when i ship, or when i enjoy media, i analyze pretty heavily, so also, if that doesn't sound like anyone's cup of tea, i would once again recommend to stop reading and enjoy your day please!

I love analyzing characters and storylines and dynamics, but i will admit, I'm not a fan of most of the ships - not romantically. I think all the characters have interesting relationships to each other, all of the kids are great friends, and I love bonds and friendships so much 🥺🥺🥺

Those first two are perhaps the biggest, at least they definitely were the biggest when I first entered. Once i caught up, I didn't really understand the enthusiasm, but people have fun shipping, so that's nice! I think of those two as easy ships, if that makes sense? They're pretty simple, and easy to digest.

I personally am not a fan of romantic t*d*d*ku for a very specific reason; it feels weird to me for Todo to immediately fall in love with the first person who's ever shown him kindness (since his mother of course). Todo had never had any friends, nor any want for friends, obviously because of the abuse he faced as a child. Mido was his first exploration at a life outside of his father, a life he got to make for himself, it just doesn't feel right to me that he should immediately think "oh, is this romantic love? Is this the one and only for me?" Well, perhaps a teenager might think that way, but i don't think that's actually how he feels deep down, and I'm sure that's something a lot of us have to learn as we grow (I've definitely struggled with my own understanding of romance for the past 8 years). I think he still is trying to learn how to socialize and to make friends and to be a friend (and he's doing SUCH a good job!) But to immediately plunge into romance, which can be complicated, i don't think that would be right for him. I hope that makes sense! I know they're a very cute ship, which makes for fun! But again, I can be a little serious when i ship...

K*r*b*ku kind of falls into similar territory for me? Baku definitely had friends growing up, but he's seemed to always have trouble understanding his feelings and where he stands with others, causing trust issues. Kiri is really the first person he knew where he stood with, a person for him to be comfortable with and feel on equal ground, which i think is such a huge and positive role in his life, and i don't necessarily think that it needs to be romantic - for both of these, i think these relationships are incredibly important, to everyone involved, and making them romantic doesn't make them any more important!! In fact, i feel like them as friends actually can offer a more complex, interesting, and human dynamic between these characters, as sometimes people simply default to romance and then end up pushing for the same old tropes and ignore all the intricacies Horikoshi includes in his writing.

Again, I love Mido's friendship with Todo, and I love Baku's friendship with Kiri. I think these relationships are incredibly important, and friends are incredibly important. People who ship them are having fun, which is so lovely, and i hope they continue to have fun! I hope you personally find more fics about them that make you smile and brighten your day 💖💖💖

Iz**ch*ka is a little difficult, because they certainly are cute, separately and together. I thought they were cutest before Ura was told about her potential crush on Mido, when she was simply a source of bubbly energy and positivity that helped Mido open up and feel comfortable around other people. I feel though that, romantically, it's extraordinarily one-sided, and at this point, i have to wonder if they really are "end goal." End goal for shounen, of course, is hardly ever explicit ahzovndlfjsoxo but i feel like a better storyline for Horikoshi to take would be for Ura to realize that she's been confused, and these feelings haven't really been a positive experience for her. I've definitely gone through things like that as a teenager. Now, the ship can be very cute! They're basically the same person, and they're cute and bubbly! But again, it simply isn't for me.

I think Momjirou is very cute!! Of course, as a lesbian, i sense strong lesbian vibes from Momo, and strong bi vibes from Jirou, and I also saw the ship potential ever since the USJ attack - which i think, so did everyone else ahaovndofjsojfsk they're best friends without a doubt, though i have to say, i really like Kamijirou. She just makes him so soft, and he's so in awe of her, and she thinks he's so funny, I love how supportive he is of her, especially since she can be really insecure 🥺🥺🥺

I also think Ura and Tsu are very cute but another easy ship, and i kind of really like Ochamina 🥺 they're both pink and space themed, they're bubbly and energetic and kick ass, and i think they'd be super cute...

I saved todobaku for last, because, you know what they say, best for last! 😇😇😇

I've said it before, but if there was no Mido (impossible obviously, and i would never want that) then todobaku is where my heart would lie. Baku has never really been shown chasing after anyone except for Mido...and Todo, which really gets at my heart. There's a grudging respect there - very, very grudging ahakckdkfjskdk which i find very appealing! Todo is very important to Baku and he has also been able to show Baku some things about himself that he needed to question and reevaluate. Meanwhile, Todo puts up with exactly 0% of Baku's shit, which i find absolutely hilarious. It's funny to me how Baku wishes to intimidate Todo as he does everyone else, and Todo simply does not care. And Baku wants to be mad, and ends up mad that he can't be mad since Todo is a strong and worthy opponent. They just have such an interesting chemistry, there's so much friction, so much tension, and I enjoy it, particularly since they clearly should be friends, would be great friends, want to be friends, but Baku simply won't get over it 😂😂 I do prefer them as friends, but friends that are incredibly close, two people that understand each other on almost a telepathic level, two people that give each other shit while also refusing to take the other's shit.

I do agree that many people in this fandom seem to think their ship stands on some moral high ground? It could be a disconnect from the previous generations of fandom, or it could also be the growing mentality on this site that everything needs to be a battle of moral superiority, and also that what you like is part of your personality, and if someone doesn't like what you like, then they don't like you or that they think you're factually incorrect. I personally have stopped going into the bn/ha tag simply because I don't enjoy, well, many things i find there, and I'm happy with those that i follow. I've definitely seen hatred and invalidation for both LGBT ships and m|w ships, neither of which I'm comfortable with. I definitely don't go off tumblr for fandom stuff because there's practically no acceptance for any same gender ships, or any queer headcanoning, which, I'll be honest, makes me scared, as i am a very anxious person avdkvndkfje i do think it should be noted that we should be as accepting of cishet ships as we are of queer ships - no debate on this one - but again, you are right when you say that many cishet headcanons have been used to invalidate LGBT voices, and any and all allies must always be aware of this! It is much more often that queer voices are silenced, that queer ships are ridiculed, that queer shippers aren't allowed to enjoy or see themselves. And to anybody that doesn't want to be an ally... Whelp ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ what are you doing here ajxkvmdogjdicjsicjsodj I'm gay

I haven't really read much of anything recently, let alone other ships, platonic or otherwise, because energy has been low for me for a long time. I wish i could participate more and support all my friends and other fans, but it's been a bit of a struggle 😣😣😣 I'm so sorry! Something that I can do is make posts and analyses and metas, as those are quick and make me excited, so I'm always happy to respond to asks like these! (I say as i take two hours to write this response...)

I hope people have been taking care of themselves and remember that tumblr is really good at letting you cater to your own interests! I hope if you've made it to the end of this response that you enjoyed it, and you're not mad at me ahsovjekgjsocjwodkso if you are, that's fine, I'm sorry, I probably am really bad at social/internet etiquette and such that help you filter 😣😣

To any who are curious, you cannot change my mind ahdogmdocjdidk thank you to whoever sent this ask!!! A lot of this is a bunch of rambling I've always wanted to talk about but was frankly too scared to post! I hope I made sense and answered everything you were asking!! Please have a good day/night/life!!! 💖💖💖💖💖

[abri-chan]

Same concerned anon. Honestly, I really like seeing your rants and musings cause it kinda opens my eyes as both a casual writer and an avid reader. I didn't realize there was a kind of prejudice(?) going on, and it makes me sad because we're supposed to empower each other as creators. I guess that was a but naive of me. But, I'm glad you're taking charge in trying to make fandoms a more accepting place.

I guess we all have to do our part. I'm sure prejudice always existed, in some ways current fandom is less elitist than LJ days (from what I heard back then you'd have to be in the right circles or get invited, now you can just post and tag and there are are less doors to knock onto). But some people will always have elitist attitudes, even though writers are bottom feeders.

(Kinda why writers ask fans to promote them bc we are aware writing is not processed instanteously, and many don't have artist friends or acquaintances to draw art of our stories. It's hard to believe and maybe sad but popularity in writing is not as straightforward as in art, and sometimes artists are the ones that make writers popular by recommending. Obviously this takes away merit bc an artist looking for a ship cannot recommend a general writer: you can't recommend what you don't search for in the first place. Hence why a lot of writers kiss up to artists; it's not that writers are sketchy, it's that they have figured out the rules of the game. Or why some writers always write the same content over and over in different fandoms. Yes, some can do it bc they want to, others bc validation is a big motivator and we all need it.)

Social media also complicates fandom bc we start valuing what we produce by how popular it gets. It's disingenuous to say we don't want recognition.

Another thing is that people seem to not separate the complaint from the people it may concern. When someone says there's a trend in the fandom for doing X, it doesn't mean people that do X are bad (unless extreme cases like harassment, but we're talking people that don't kudo when they like a story); it just means the behavior is bad. On average we're mostly decent people, but we have bad behaviors. Someone pointing that behavior out doesn't mean to attack the people, but current fandom sees that as saying the people are bad people. That way people get defensive and they're willing to label it as a *you* problem: for example mods of a discord meant to help writers got mad at me for providing feedback that newcomers felt ignored and talked over. So they spin the tale as you must be a weirdo no one wants to talk to, thus silencing other newcomers that feel the same but don't dare speak up. Even though I never said the mods were bad people or that the people ignoring newcomers were bad. Just that for whatever reason the discord fell into a behavior that didn't allow for newcomers to feel welcome. The question is then how to fix these behaviors, not to kick people out or make it so they have no choice but to leave.

Lastly, a lot of online spaces are not as welcoming as they think to neuro-divergent people. Especially when it comes to writers, as I have pointed out before, socializing seems to come before people reading your works (at least my experience with fandom circles like discords or Tumblr, not archives like Ao3), as opposed to art where socializing happens mostly over art and over sharing art. An artist says "here I drew something" and they get some interaction; the writer does the same "hey I wrote something" and they hear crickets. The real interaction happens on the main chat, and not over writing.

But depending on the person, that kind of socializing is hell to them. Think about the popular kids and then the rest... Many of us are not the popular kids and we can't socialize as such. And sometimes if you're not the best at social clues you can also say things that come off as rude. In a recent project I was part of (won't say the name) the chat at times was a circle jerk... someone phrased the words in a way that made it sound like the mod was a certified writer on ao3 and me being autistic went and said "ao3 has no such thing". I've also had cases when I was overly enthusiastic I got accepted in some zine and shared the news on my blog, only to be reprimanded by the mod that I was parading myself (I should have known to wait until the mods made the contributor announcements). Some of us don't perceive social cues so well and people assume intentions in what we say that aren't there, and are not as sympathetic when we try to explain how we don't get it at times.

[badhebie]

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!

[03-07-2021] Return to the city, which I have left for several years. Bandung. A town I love, which never fails to impress me. The city always has something new around every corner.

Made an appointment to Meet an 'old friend' that I never seen or talking for many years. After talking with shitty and unnecessary chitchat then we moved to an old Kopitiam around Sudirman Street that still amazed me until now.

After many years passed, this old Kopitiam still impress me. The building, the wall arts, the decorations, the ambience, the lighting, even the people coming here still same as in the past. Many old guys and old ladies coming here only for playing capsa, chess or mahjong showdown while enjoying some Coffee or Tea with some Dimsum. They just playing happily with each other. They seems dont care that now already quite late at night. What a moments.. Reminiscing!

After feeling mesmerized, we order some of their Signature Coffee and some Dumplings. I'm shocked to know that their tastes of Coffee is consistency and never change! That's cool!

Because of nowadays I'm enjoying writting about anything, then I tell my friend that I will record all of our chitchat and conversation into an mp3 recording file. So I could make the convo's transcript to fill in into my blog :))

t r a n s c r i p t :

Me : This Kopitiam kinda reminds me about the old times that we always coming here for almost every week with our friends..

P : Ya Ya Ya.. indeed! It is not every week! But twice a week, hahaha..

It's been long story we talking about anything until I tell her about my problems.. she looks kinda shock hearing it all and seems not believe for what happening to me right now.

Yes I told her about my family's matters..

P : Oh.. ( I can see her eyes pouring some tears )

I cannot believe why you have to be an asshole by cheating to your wife? Do you know that what you have done is so heartless and hurts your wife so much? Oh ibie!! I really cannot believe what you have done!! really.. fucking asshole! (I can see some rage on her eyes!)

Me : Well, things happens! My life is fucked. And I really fully regrets! I dont know how to fix this.. Yes I know I have done something terrible.. But at that time, I feels like i lost controls to myself and everything. And at that time I feels like I dont understand myself too..

P : You dont need to make excuse for youself! Wrong is wrong.. You have no reasons to do all this fucking things!

Me : Yes I know.. and I admit that I was an asshole for doing this.. and now i really regretfully for what happened to my family..

at that time, I feels like sometimes my wife didnt love me and sometimes I feels like she never respect me.. I dont know this is only my feeling or my reasons, but yes sometimes i feels like that..

Maybe because Im an overthinker person, thats why that time I lost control to myself and doing all this bad things. But after that i feel regret.. really sad and sorry..

P : Whatever your reasons, bie! What you've done is unacceptable.. Oh I really speechless to you! fuck!

Then, have you apologize to your wife and ask for forgiveness from her? Have you explain everything to her? Are you really feel sorry now?

Me : Yes I do! As a man, I do apologize and ask for forgiveness from her. I even kneel to her to forgive me and give me chance. I dont know how to fix this.. I dont know how to make her forgive me and give me last chance and trust me again that I will never ever doing very bad mistakes again and broke her trust again.

P : Then? Did she forgive you?

Me : No, She is not. She said she cannot give me chance for now and ask me to clear my self out of problems.. at first I was so excited that I thought she is willing to give me chance. I'm doing my best effort to fix everything, I do my best to bring back her trust on me. Until one day I realized that she's only play with my guilt and probably just want to revenge to me. After knowing that, I feels numb and thinking that all my efforts was nothing. What am I trying to fix was meaningless.. Then its time I have stopped all my efforts to fix everything and stop expecting. I feel bad.. really bad!

P : Huh? What do you mean? I dont get it. Why dont you continue to fix with her? Show your fully efforts to brings her back!! Its all your fault then you have to fix!

Me : Yes, at first I will show her my fully effort and Im willing to do anything to fix all of this. Then one day I realized that she was looking for another guys or maybe now she probably having a relationship with someone else already. That day I realized that all she said by saying will give me chance after I clear myself out was only a joke, its fake and just an empty hope!

Can you imagine, if she said will give me chance but in reality she was in relationship with another guy? Then I have to fix what? I have to keep fighting to fix everything when she has already have relationship with another guy? It's unacceptable for me! If she said she will give me chance, she have to wait and look at my progress, she have to let me work my best and wait me until I clear myself out, but what she did is having another relationship with someone else! Then what she said will giving me chance was a fake and its all lie! Am I right? Thats why I'm stopped all of this!

P : Huh? Wait.. wait! I miss something here. So, she said she will give you chance but you have to fix yourself first BUT in reality, she was having relationship with another guy already? So, what I got here is she probably waiting you for fixing yourself but while waiting she has another relationship with someone else? She is having relationship while waiting you?

Me : YES! Exactly! I'm not sure she's already in relationship or still looking for another guy.. but this is so heartless and unacceptable for me! Why dont she just said NO MORE CHANCE for me instead of saying will giving me chance but having another relationship with someone else or looking for someone else? Its does not make sense!

P : If this is the case, then yes.. actually what she have to do is just saying directly to you that NO CHANCES for you. I dont understand her as well.. why she said she will give you chance after you clear yourself out but she is having or looking relationship with someone else.. Haha im curious about it! Well, then its your rights to stop or to keep fighting for her! But I understand you, you will feel hurt when you keep fighting for her while she was having relationship with someone else. Well, my advice is just follow your heart! But if the case is like this, you better pull yourself out of this situation and keep walking.. At least you already did your job, feels regret, apologizing, ask for forgiveness and trying your best to fix everything, eventhough in the end it didn't go as you pleased, but at least you tried. You did a great job, bie!

Me : Yes! I take my punishment already by cannot see and touch my son. As a man, I admit my big mistakes to her already! I feels fully regret already. I ask for forgiveness already, I promise to her that I will never ever doing bad mistakes and broke her trust anymore, I doing everything already to regain her trust! But she wasting all my efforts! She is playing with my feeling by saying will give me chance after I cleared myself out! She gave me fake and empty hope. So i pull myself out and stopped! At least if someday Mica grown up, I can tell him what I did. I can tell Mica that his dad already trying to fix everything but his mom is wasting my efforts and playing with me. So im gonna give up..

*She looks confused, sad, and crying..*

P : Do you still love your wife after what you have done?

Me : Yes I do. I love her with all my heart.. It will and always! I've been fully regret with what I did to her. If I could turn back the time, even it cost my life, then I would.. GIving up didnt means I didnt love her, I just feel tired hurt myself as well.. and I feeling hurts when my efforts wasn't appreciated. Been there, done that! But I will always love her with all my heart and I keep saying sorry to her in my heart and my prays..

P : Im sure you were really miss Mica and your wife.. I can see from your eyes.. it looks empty! You miss them so bad.. (*she looks crying again)

Me : I miss my son for every second of my life.. I never felt this way, missing someone til my heart aches! It really hurt deep inside.. Almost every night Im crying missing my son. What I could do only looking at Mica's photos on my gallery.. No father in this world who is strong enough to bear the pain of missing his child. Its really unbearable for me..

P : Do you try to call Mica everyday? You can video call to him to heal your wound.. Or ask his mom to video call to you everyday if posisble. Or ask her to send Mica's picture for you at least once a day.. Im sure it will not bother her at all

Me : Yes, I do ask her already to send me Mica's picture as much as she can.. but you know what, Pao? I think she trying to separate me with Mica as well..

P : HAH ??!! What do you mean??

Me : Yes, you heard it right! I think she trying to separate me and Mica as well.. Do you know why? I ask her many times already to send Mica's pic as much as she can.. and she said YES, she will try to send Mica's pic as much as she can. But again, in reality she was fake again.. she only send like every 4 or 5 days or even 1 WEEK and only send 1 photos or videos. Do you think its called "AS MUCH AS SHE CAN" ? send pic every 4-5 days and only 1 ? After waiting for every 4-5 days I only got 1 pic or 1 short video.. She can HATE ME as much as she want but she have no rights to separate innocent child to his father, right??? Yes you are RIGHT! Even 1 photo per day it will not bother her at all.. But she just dont want! But she probably busy looking and impress some guys out there instead of sending me some of my Son's photos that I always wait like forever.. sending some pic's everyday not wasting even 1 minutes of her time. But this is about WANT or DONT WANT!

P : WHAATTTT?! REALLY?? Sorry bie.. but in my opinion, no matter how bad the father, every childs in this world is have FULLY RIGHTS to know his/her father! If she doing that, she is FORCEFULLY take Mica's RIGHTS to know you as his father.. she is doing a bad parenting system! How heartless she was.. She take Mica's rights as innocent child to know his father. Well, somehow I feel bad for you bie. You are right, She can hate you as much as she wanted to, but she have NO RIGHTS to force Mica to not to know his father.. Oh my God! Somehow, I got your point when before you said you have your own reason by doing some bad mistakes to her.. Well, I dont know but I got the point somehow! Its only you can feel it.. But it doesnt mean you were right! You are still WRONG by doing the FUCKING BAD THINGS! But I know at least you did a great job by fully regret it, apologizing, and trying to fix with her, even in the end she wasn't appreciate you, at least you try.. a gentleman's job! Standing ovation for you bie..!

P : . . . .

P : As a man and as a normal human being, its OK for you to make mistakes. Learn from it, take lessons from it, and promise for you life that you will never ever do it again. Even you ever failed as a man and as a husband to your loved ones, Im sure that you have fully regret now. But you never failed as a Daddy! Im sure you were being a Super Daddy for Mica! And Im sure, Mica is super love you and proud to you as his Father! You will be a good Dad for him, Im sure of that bie..!

Me : Bad Parenting Systems? Probably yes.. She is forcefully take Mica's right to know me as his father.. Well, if someday Mica grows up, I hope Mica didnt grown up with rage and questioning where is his Dad! Because He will understand when he grows up.. And someday I hope I could explain everything to him what was happened.. At least I have tried everything and its gonna be my reasons to Mica..

P : I feel sad for you bie.. Keep strong and be patients! God will never sleep.. If you feel fully regret and promise to never ever doing bad mistakes again for your life, im sure God will always listens to you and helps you.. keep believe it! Im Buddhist too like her.. so Im sure we belief about Karma. You get your bad Karma already by doing bad on the past. And if she is proven trying to separate Mica from his Daddy, Im sure too she will get Karma too for what she did.. For now you better stand up and keep walking for your life. And love yourself more than before.. Last time we met you look so fat than now.. Now you look losing weight! Remember you have to keep healthy.. Overthinking will make you sicks! Try to forgive yourself.. Try to accept yourself back.. Try to love yourself again.. What's DONE is DONE! you cannot turn back the time, but you can fix it and make it better.. But first forgive yourself and love yourself, so you can stand up and walking again.

Me : Yes I try to walks again.. and now I almost can running again hahaha! But the pain is still unbearable for me for missing my Son every second of my life.. it hurts so much for missing him!

If you were her, would you like to give me second chance for me to fix it? I just want to know from other people's perspective..

P : HAH? If I were her? You mean if this bad things happens to me? Hmmm.. Well, If I was her and this is happened to me, for sure I will very angry, mad, and sad as much as she did, or maybe more than she did. But after that I will heal myself first and think clearly for what I should do. But in my opinion, every people DESERVE a second chance! Especially if we have childs already. For sure in the end I will give you a second chance and let you prove yourself that you will never ever doing bad things again and broke my trust. Because for me second chance is LAST CHANCE! So if this happened again, NO MORE CHANCES for you for your life! But yeahh.. for me every people deserve a second chance! Especially when I see you were really regrets and I can see your efforts to fix everything! Its for me.. But every people's have different minds, so my opinion cannot be used as a standard! But for sure If I were her and I already said I will give you chance, then I would really give you chance and see you progress first.. I will waiting how much you can show and prove yourself to fix and be a better person than before! But for sure I will not looking for other guys while waiting HAHAHAHA.. because I will be honest and pure from heart when I said i will giving you chance.. No FAKE FAKE woyyy! Hahaha..

Me : Here we comes the sarcastic moments, hahaha... But thank you for your perspectives! I hope she could do as you said,, but yeah every people is different!

P : Then dont be too worry bie.. I hope she could opened her heart soon and not thinking only about herself, but about Mica as well.. Mica is still really too little for this! He needs both his Mummy and Daddy on his side. Dont let innocent child be victims from the selfishness of their parents.

Me : Well, I dont know about that.. I feel too tired and almost fully giving up..

P : You can rest a while bie.. And I know for now you were busy and tired with your business hahaha.. congrats anyway! Dont give up bie! Move forward!! I will joins and helps your business.. your coffee bottle is super yummy and your cornflakes is good, especially the peppersalt one! I like it.. No one's here using cornflakes as snacks, thats why I think it looks promising business.. Just dont give up and keep walking! Thats my note! Dont feeling down when sometimes your business is going down.. You need to have a strong mentality build when you working on personal business. Up and down on personal business is normal..

Me : Hahaha thanks! Yes it starting to grows.. I will working hard for it! Woyyy of course its good, it has secret recipes from starbucks hahaha.. Yes yes you have to helps me extent and expand my selling hahaha.. just kidding, Pao! But thank you, you boosted up my mood haha..

P : YEEESSSSSS!!! hahaha sure I will helps you as much as I can, dont worry! haha.. And I will promote it anywhere haha.. soon you will need to open mini factory, hahaha Ameeenn!!!

And dont worry, when I said AS MUCH AS I CAN, I will do and act in real, not only words or FAKE!! hahahahahahaha..

*we both laugh hard on this*

Me : LOL hahaha.. Here we comes again for another sarcastic moments, Hahahah! But Ameeennnn!! Thanks, Pao! I feel lightly after I confess to you all my stories.. wish me better and better OK?

P : Sure!!! Im sure you can..!

The time has passed, It's been 02:50am already. Then I sent her home and I back home as well. Thanks for listening to my vent, Pao! What a day!! Ready to work again tomorrow ^_^