#sometimes i feel bad she has 2 have such a hideous owner

[tamagotchikgs]

having a breakdown grabbing n punching the ugliest parts of my face and my cat goes oh? rub against face time? bunt head & show highest form of affection time? purr n be cute time? n now i am crying 4 entirely different reason

[rpd-rookie]

The One Who Runs Away, The One Who Runs Back (Leon S. Kennedy x Reader)

Author’s note: This is a sequel to “A PAST WITH HER, A FUTURE WITH YOU” and the end of my three-parts fan fiction "I TRUSTED YOU WITH MY HEART" I decided to write after so many of you asked for it. Sorry it took so long but I was navigating from one fandom to another. (BTW, if there are any Devil May Cry fans up here, you can read my DMC fan fictions here) PS: Even if I said it before, I have no hate whatsoever towards Ada or Aeon.

Tagged: Angst, Fluff, Romance, Post-Break up, Sexual Content 

Part 1 / Part 2

***

Do you remember? We started this story by quoting some sitcom character that was clueless about love. Well, here’s a suggestion. Why not ending it by quoting someone who knew a little more on such matter.

William Shakespeare - you know that English dude expert on tragic ‘drink this poison, stab yourself’ kind of love - apparently once said ‘Love runs away from those chasing her, and those who run away, she throws herself on his neck’. I say ‘apparently’ cause, even though I have a master in English lit, this quote is from the internet, and also … who knows what the guy truly said?

But it’s the quote that’s important. Not the author. The quote it’s important because it sums up perfectly how this story is gonna end. However, before starting, let me tell you this quote is going to be the only Shakespeare-worthy sentence in this final chapter. You’ve been warned.

Love runs away from those chasing her.          Well, this part was definitely written for someone like Ada Wong. Owner of countless gold medals and possibly a world record at this point, that woman is basically the Usain Bolt of the ‘Running from Leon S. Kennedy’ competition. Unchallenged winner since the creation of this sultry version of cat and mouse game, it’s better not to think about the number of times she successfully ran away from her favourite agent.  But this year, this formidable titleholder in a gorgeous red dress will have to face her Nemesis in the championship. You. Though the comparison to the hideous bio-organic killing machine might not be very complimentary to you but you get the idea.  This year you enter the Kennedy Olympics. And this year you run like Sonic the Hedgehog and you win the damn competition (screw you Usain Bold!). And you do this with your head high and without an ounce of regret. Ignore all the texts and flowers Leon might send on your track Mario Kart style. His gifts are not as slippery as banana peels and they can easily be dodged, I promise. Well, most of the time, when you’re not lying on your bed in the middle of the night crying and sobbing while reading his messages or playing his voice in your voicemail again and again until you’re nothing more but a giant mess with puffy red eyes drowning in a puddle of your own tears.        Screw those messages too! And screw his broken yet terribly sexy voice as well!

Being a man of word, Leon kept his promise. And for months you kept on running peacefully, marathoning away from this past relationship that had destroyed you like no other before while tranquilly fixing your broken heart on the way. That run was a good cardio.

But sometimes, cardio is not enough, and even just the small sight of an overpriced whisky bottle or the smell of Leon’s perfume on some guy’s clothes is enough to reopen your wounds.           And when it happens, you always do the same thing, you break the damn bottle - and run cause damn! it’s expensive! -  or you tell the guy his perfume smells like cheap cologne and that he should definitely change it, which is an improvement on your past destructive behaviour, since there was a time shortly after the break up when you would have simply dragged the guy to your place to let him fuck you senseless while imagining he was Leon. All that just for the illusion to feel him again and for the sake to kick him out the next morning, screaming like a hysterical psycho.

So imagine, for a small second, the wave of intense feelings surging out of your healing heart when, in the middle of a cafe, you hear some dude sitting behind you ordering Leon’s favourite whisky while wearing the same bloody perfume. “It’s got to be relentless persecution at that point!” You sigh, already annoyed, closing your book more violently than intended. Hope you’re ready, stranger! Because you’re not in the mood to deal with this right now.            You turn around with a fake smile that reflects perfectly your irritation, ready to give him hell, your sharpest riposte already burning your tongue. After all, he deserves it and you can’t help it.         But when you meet familiar – and freaking gorgeous - baby blue eyes you freeze and stare, suddenly confused and lost and refusing to believe that in spite of the intense running, love just jumped at your neck after all and it was sitting there, taking the shape of Leon S(tupid) Kennedy.

You should have stood up and left, run for your life, run for your heart. And yet, you didn’t.    You stayed there staring at him looking at you, allowing all your memories, the good ones and the bad ones, all your buried feelings to come back from the dead, embracing them as if you had missed them, which, let’s be honest, you probably had.            You tried to scream to yourself “Come on, Y/N! Shake a leg!” but it seemed that what you brain understood was something like “Cum on him! Open your legs!” as a couple of blurry hours later, you were on Leon’s bed, legs wide open, screaming his name and begging him not to stop his amazing thrusts.

Six months, you ran for six months … Well, looks like the run ends here and now. After a minute-long deep stare, an afternoon of amazing sex and two hours long of something blurry in between.

“I missed you.” And there you were! The moment all couples that broke up have after one of them (in this case Leon with the infamous ‘I missed you line’) starts to believe they miraculously rekindled their love. The fatal post-coital cuddling session that you don’t know how to react to, as you think of all the possibilities before you.      Possibility Number 1) You tell Leon you missed him too and cuddle, enjoying that embrace you secretly yearned for months. But that includes forgetting what he has done or pretending that nothing happened.     Possibility Number 2) You push him away, get dressed, leave again and act as if this afternoon never happened. But if Leon doesn’t remind you of it, the ache between your legs will, that’s for sure!   Possibility Number 3) You jump him again until you sore even more and hope that you’ll be able to leave afterwards.         Frankly, all possibilities suck because, in all cases, it seems like you lose. Since,       with Possibility Number 1) you lose the run forever, with Possibility Number 2) you lose him again and with Possibility Number 3) well it’s result 1 or 2 + your body aching like crazy for days. I suck at math but no need to be Einstein to know the result of this calculation looks unpleasant.    So what do you choose?

You see a triangular dice rolling in your head, showing a never-ending succession of 1, 2 and 3 that doesn’t make any sense and that confuse you even more than you already are. 1, 2, 3, 2, 1, 3, 2 ! Oh for fuck’s sake!

You grimace, angry and pissed at Leon and probably even more at yourself, and finally leaves his bed and his strong warm arms, feeling the tears furiously forming in your eyes. “I can’t” You can’t look at him in the eyes. You don’t want to see his confusion, don’t want to see his pain as he witnesses all his hopes shatter to pieces.         “ What do you mean?” You can hear the sheets crease behind you, alerting you of Leon’s agitation, so you hurry and pick up all your clothes scattered in his room. You must leave, now. 2! 2 it is!  “This! All This! This afternoon never happened.” You tell him, putting on your clothes with sudden clumsy and trembling hands, not caring if your bra is correctly hooked or if you put your shirt on back to front. Your heart. You have to think of your poor heart first.          “Hey, hey, hey.” You feel Leon’s hand softly grabbing your arms and you let go of whatever you were holding right now. His voice is sweet and trying to be comforting. Don’t look at him Y/N! Don’t look at him! “Look at me.” You do. Damn it! And you see his gorgeous blue eyes staring at you, studying your flustered face and the tears slowly drowning your (colour) look. You missed those eyes. You missed them so.damn.much ! As much as you missed his hands cupping your face and his thumbs wiping up your tears. God! How many tears those thumbs have missed recently. “It’s alright.”

You want to believe him. You really do. But there is this voice screaming in your head and very clearly this time. A voice shouting, forcing you to remember that night, that awful nightmarish night, the one when you felt your heart break and your dreams turn to ashes. All that because of him and his obsession for her.

“No, it’s not alright, Leon.” You shake your head and miraculously manage to take a small step back. You never thought you could. But you had to. You can’t stay close to him. You can’t let him touch you, feel you. Not if you want to run away. And you have to run away. Like her! Like Ada. Ada! “I told you. For as long as you have feelings for Ada, I can’t … we can’t…”     “Please don’t talk about her.” He begs and rubs his hand over his face. Is he trying to chase her away from his mind? Is she still in here? Please, let her not be in here.    “But she’s the reason we’re in this situation now. She’s the reason why we’re in this mess.” You insist only for the sake to see his reaction when you mention Ada, to see if she’s still under his skin, somewhere. “Ada is not the reason. I am!” Leon corrects you, a finger directed at his heavy chest as he is putting the full blame on himself for the first time since that night. “I am the one who went after Ada when I shouldn’t have! I am the reason why we broke up! I am the reason why we are so miserable!”         “But I was fine!” You shouted back in an attempt to show him he was wrong refusing to listen to that part of you who knew he was completely right. You were miserable without him. “I was doing fine until you came back and fucked everything up! I was healing goddamnit!”             You felt new tears rolling along your red cheeks and quickly wipe them off with the back of your hand that felt so callous and rough in comparison to Leon’s gentle touch. “You can’t just jump back into my life like this and expect me to forget!”

Leon nods, agreeing with you in a certain way. But the truth is, he doesn’t want you to forget. He doesn’t expect you to erase his mistake. He just wants you to forgive him … No, he just wants you to come back to him. Period. And that’s got to be what you want to. It has to!   “So why did you have sex with me, huh?” He finally asks even though he already knows your answer. “Tell me!” You’re not the kind of person who has meaningless sex, not the kind of person who worships one’s body with divine kisses and devoted caresses if they mean nothing. “Why did you have sex with me?” And yet the answer he wishes to hear doesn’t come out. “For fuck’s sake Y/N! Answer me! Why?” He shouts making you shiver and cry even more.    “Because I LOVE YOU!” You finally scream. And it hurts. It hurts but it feels good too. Like a weight lifted off your chest. “Because I missed you too! Because those months without you have been terrible! Because I don’t know how to handle even just the thought of you or the sound of your voice in my voicemail. Because each time I see something that makes me think of you, I’m a mess and I do things that normal me would never do! You fucked me up, Leon! You fucked me up but I love you! And I hate to love you!” You grunt in pain and relief, enraged but happy that you finally let everything out. And Leon listens in silence, frozen by your powerful honest confession. But he doesn’t know how to react. He doesn’t know what to say. Part of him is overjoyed, ecstatic that you still love him but there is another part that just feels terrible, sorry for the pain your love for him caused you even in his absence.   “But you see—“ You continue “That’s the problem in our relationship, Leon! I love you in ways that are so intense, that go beyond sanity. And you love me by half.”    You see him crumple, his horrified face looking suddenly very pale as if he had just heard some dreadful news. Is that really how you feel? Is that how you see his love for you? Is that what he has made you believe?         “Goodbye Leon.”

With the full intention to leave Leon’s place for good and never come back, you grab you bag on your way out of the bedroom while carelessly shoving your underwear inside of it since you forgot to put them on in the midst of panic and precipitation. Get out of here, Y/N! Now! A reasonable voice encourages you. Listen to me!    But this not what Leon wants.

“I never loved you by half.” He declares and you abruptly stop, asking God if he’s some kind of sadist that loves seeing you in pain from the comfort of his divine sofa somewhere in heaven. “Never.” But it’s not God and his sadism that makes you turn around. It’s you, and your masochist love for that blue-eyed man before you.     “I don’t believe you” Your voice almost doesn’t leave your throat as you try not to sob.           “But it’s the truth.” He says with a calm soothing voice as he slowly approaches you. “I never imagined my future with Ada. I never wished to grow old with her or build a home with her.” You want to tell Leon to stop talking, to stay where he is but your body doesn’t seem to respond. And when you feel him grabbing your hands in his and the comforting warmth that goes with that simple touch, you know that leaving is now an almost impossible task. “Yes. I admit it. My feelings for her were real.” Even when his honesty hurts you, you don’t know how to leave anymore. “But they were nothing in comparison to what I feel for you.”     You try to let go, pulling your hands away from his loving grip but he holds you back. And you’re not strong enough. Or maybe, you just don’t want to be strong. Everything is so confusing. Everything is tearing you apart.     “But they’re still here, aren’t they?” You question, hoping his answer might give you a clue, might give you the strength to make the correct decision. Do you leave? Or do you stay? “And they’ll keep coming back each she goes back into your life. You can’t let go of her.”    “You’re maybe right.” His words hurt you more than you thought they would. They hurt like hell because you realise there are not the ones you wanted to hear. You wanted to hear him say that he would let go of Ada, for good, for you. You wanted to hear that because deep down … YOU WANTED TO FUCKING STAY! “But can you let go of your past?” He continues and you shake your head refusing to hear any other word coming out of Leon’s mouth.       “Don’t!” You beg, weary.           “No! Listen to me this time. Ada is my past, Y/N. She’s my past. And you … you’re my future. You’re my life, damn it!” He doesn’t cry but you don’t need his tears to sense how emotional and how honest he is. And suddenly, you just want to listen to him. “And I was a fool not to see it sooner. When you left me, I felt a void I had never felt in my entire life. I felt like a part of me was missing. And then, the bombing in Washington happened, and it was like I had nothing left. I needed you. I wanted you. You. Not Ada.”      “Leon” You whisper and he cups your face again, blue eyes staring deep into yours, allowing you to see everything in him, his strong love for you and all the weaknesses he hated to admit. “It was you in my mind. Only you. And it will always be you. Because I love you. Now. Today. And I will always love you.”

You cry even more, uncertain if those tears are tears of sorrow, tears of joy or a mix of both. God, how can your emotions be such a mess right now? How can you be wishing to shout at him with all the anger you’ve accumulated and, at the same time, willing to kiss him with all love you’ve got?

“If you got to believe something. Believe that. And if that’s not enough and you think you can be happy with someone else. Then go. I won’t hold you back.” You frown. He is fucking lying. You’re sure of it. “You can’t stop running after me and you know it.” He smiles and scoffs, sensing that hint of sudden defiance in your tone he enjoys a lot.  “True. I can’t sop running after you. But I’ll do my best not to catch you if that’s what you want. But you got to tell me. Is that what you truly want?” You don’t reply. Truth is, you’re not sure what to say not because you’re not sure that’s what you want but because you’re not sure you can trust him if you let him in again.                        “No.” You whisper. “No, that’s not what I want. I want you. All of you.” You can see Leon struggle to contain his growing joy as it starts to glimmer brighter and brighter in his irises. He doesn’t want to cry victory just yet. He is cautious and rightfully so. “But can I?”        “Want me?” He smiles. “ Have you completely?” You correct, searching for a promise in his eyes, one you hope, you wish he would not break this time.     “Trust me with your heart again and find out.”

This better not hurt this time…

[cap-n-ce]

Full house 2/?

Chris Evans (Celebrity) x Reader x Tom Hiddleston (Producer)

Plot: Idea from KDrama Full House: Reader is an aspiring script writer who was framed by her childhood friends Marie and Adam. Her house which she inherited from her parents was sold to Chris Evans.

Warnings: none - sorry, still not good at writing but I really wanted to do this for further improvement. Also, I’m not yet good at making someone bad/ rude.

“Adam, I feel guilty on this one, the house was her only inheritance and memory left of her parents.” Marie told Adam. “Well, it’s too late to back out now, we already got 75% of the payment from the buyer plus the new owner will be moving in next week as well, so we need to pack up things from her house.” Adam advised Marie.

“This is not going to be good. We will have to prepare as well for what’s coming. You know how she is when she’s mad.” Marie said to Adam. “Don’t worry, she won’t be able to find us once she’s returned, just trust me on this.” Giving assurance to Marie as they were on their way to meet the agent and the buyer of the house.

 “I’m so excited! Yet I’m also feeling quite uneasy, I’m not sure why.” you thought to yourself. You already got yourself seated in the plane and luckily, you got the window seat. You’ve been looking around as you are quite curious to the person seated next to you who was wearing a cap, sunglasses, and seem to be hiding from people.

“I wonder why he is hiding? Is he a fugitive or something?” thinking to yourself, though it may have been obvious that you were staring as the person looked your way and asked, “Is there a problem miss?” “Oh no! He noticed me! Say something to avoid misunderstanding.” “Oh, it’s nothing, I’m sorry, you just look hideous or something, I’m sorry if I bothered you.” You quickly answered. The mysterious guy chuckled and said, “Don’t worry, I’m just suffering from hangover and I’m not really looking so good, so I just wore these. Please don’t mind me.”  “I see, then don’t let me disturb you then, please do take a rest for the rest of the flight.” You said shyly and turned to look outside the window as the plane took flight.

 Chris’ POV

Donna got him an aisle seat, unfortunately, not the window seat according to his liking but it was okay, as it’s first class, as no fans usually bother him during the flight. Sometimes, he goes through a private plane but for the meantime Donna decided it’s good for him to interact with other people as well even though it’s first class.

He was the first one on the plane and was so relaxed in his seat when a woman sat next to him and even tripped on his feet.

“I’m sorry!” the woman exclaimed. He just nodded as acknowledgment of her apology.

Chris received a text and checked it out to find it was Tom, “Hi Chris, I heard today’s your flight to Shenzhen, take care and let me know once you’re there, I need to discuss something with you once you get there.” Chris thought what could it be that he needed to discuss with him? Tom was one of his High School best friends along with Elizabeth, and now he’s his colleague and is one of the most respected producers in the industry.

 He noticed the woman beside her was looking all around but more specifically to him. “This lady looks like it’s her first time to fly on a plane. And why does she keep on looking at me like that?”

“Is there a problem miss?” the woman looked shocked probably as she would not have thought that he would not notice her, “Oh, it’s nothing, I’m sorry, you just look hideous or something, I’m sorry if I bothered you.” Y/N answered.  “Well she’s an honest one, isn’t she?” he chuckled and said, “Don’t worry, I’m just suffering from hangover and I’m not really looking so good, so I just wore these. Please don’t mind me.”  “I see, then don’t let me disturb you then, please do take a rest for the rest of the flight.” Y/N said shyly and turned to look outside the window. “It really is a good thing that I’m good at these alibis, and man, is she really a gullible woman.” Chris thought to himself and closed his eyes to sleep as the plane took flight.

 You’re not feeling good so far, it must have been your breakfast or may have been your lunch, or it may also be because it’s your first time to fly and your nausea is caused by your excitement and nervousness as well.

“Of all days to feel sick, it had to be today.” Y/N thought to herself. She really can’t hold it in anymore, she hurried to stand up to go to the restroom, “Excuse me –” Y/N threw up the moment she took the first step, making her throw up to her seat mate, causing him to wake up from slumber. “What the-!” the man exclaimed as he felt the vomit on his arms and legs.

Feeling embarrassed, you apologized many times to the unlucky man who she just poured all the things she ate for the day. “I’m so so so sorry! I was not able to stand up earlier to reach the restroom!” Y/N said while keeping on bowing her head as well as a sign of deep apology.

“I can’t believe this!” Chris exclaimed as he took off his jacket and shirt and took out his handkerchief to at least wipe off the vomit on his jeans. As he took off his shirt, he had to take off his glasses and hat off as well, exposing who he was.

You recognized him and felt more embarrassed upon knowing who the person was. “Oh my God, it’s Chris Evans! Such luck, yet I have done this to him!”

“I’m really sorry! As an apology, I will pay for your laundry. I will also send this over to where you’re staying--”  “No need, there’s no way I’ll use this again, it will just remind me of an unlucky person. Also, I don’t want to encounter you again.” Chris cut her off and stood up to request to be seated on another vacant seat which was far from their aisle.

“How mean! How can I be unlucky when it was just that only bad thing I made the whole flight!” you thought to yourself while keeping the dirty clothes Chris threw on the floor.

 You managed to catch sleep in the duration of the flight even though you felt bad on what happened with your idol earlier. The tiredness from the flight plus the energy that left you when you vomited has made you sleepy.

Upon landing, you were not able to see Chris anymore, though you tried to find him but, you thought of your escort to the hotel and looked for the sign for your name.

“Thank you for your time today Mr. Evans, we really appreciate your time today. I hope you enjoy your stay here in Shenzhen.” The interviewer said to Chris after an interview they made in the hotel where Chris is staying.  “No problem! I’m glad to be back here again after a few years, and I was able to rest well during the flight so it’s no bother.” Chris stood up from his seat and proceeded to his room with a few escorts.

 “There must be a mistake, I’m sure there is a reservation for me.” Y/N advised the receptionist. Not only were you not fetched from the airport, now it seems her accommodation is having issues as well. “I’m sorry Ms. Y/N, I’ve already double checked out system and there is not reservation under your name.” the receptionist informed you.

“I can’t believe this! My first out of the country trip and it had to be like this! I hate to say this but I have a bad feeling about this specially about Marie and Adam!” you thought to yourself, thinking as well where you could possibly stay.

“Is there a problem miss?” a man’s voice asked which made your head turn. The man was speaking to the receptionist, and he was advised about you not having any room reservations.

“She’s actually a friend of mine, is there any available rooms that we can provide for her please?” the man asked the receptionist once again. “As I was checking earlier sir, I can see 3 more rooms vacant, one room is facing the pool side which we can offer for your friend.” The receptionist stated.

“That would be lovely thank you.” The man responded and smiled at you. The receptionist typed something into their system and gave you your ving card and advised you of your room number.

The man who helped you excused himself while the receptionist was giving you your ving card and signing up the papers. You quickly followed the man to thank him.

“Hey! You! Stop!” you shouted to catch his attention which was effective as not only did he stop but most of the people in the reception looked at you as well.

You caught up with him as he was looking at you, amused. “I would just want to thank you for helping me back there.” “No worries, I’m glad I was able to help. I hope you enjoy your stay here. Do take care as you are in a foreign country and not everyone knows our language.” The man answered you with a smile.

“Oh, what a charming man.” You thought to yourself dreamily. “By the way, here is my card, should you need more help you can contact me anytime, I’ll be staying here for a few more days. It’s nice to have a friend on a stranger’s land don’t you think?” the man said, handing her over his card.

“Thank you! This means a lot to me and I hope I can repay you sometime… Thomas.” You addressed him after seeing his name on the card. “By the way, my name is Y/F/N Y/L/N. it’s embarrassing to meet you this way but it’s nice meeting you” you held out your hand to shake his. “Pleasure’s mine Y/N, I’m more than happy to help.” He took your hand and brought it to his lips which made you blush.

“I’ll get going now then. Thank you again for saving me earlier.” You said to him and went ahead to proceed to your room.

“Thomas Hiddleston. I think I’ve heard of his name somewhere.” You thought to yourself while waiting for the elevator.

“Oh yeah! He is one of the biggest producers in Hollywood!” You suddenly remembered when you were at the door at your room. You reminded yourself to try to repay this man also, you found an opportunity to submit your manuscripts for additional income.

 While unpacking, you saw the dirty clothes you vomited in flight. “Oh right, I still have to wash these so that I can return this to him. I should also buy something for him as a peace offering.” You spoke to yourself.

 “Come in.” Chris answered to the bell from his suite. “Hi Chris, I’m glad you arrived safely.” Tom greeted Chris in the living room. “Hey man, I thought you’re in London meeting up with some of the bosses?” Chris asked Tom surprised with his best friend’s visit.

“Well, I have been there, but I have some meetings here as well, some in relation to promoting your film and I might visit one of your shoots this week. Also, I wanted to visit and know how my best friend’s doing.” Tom answered to Chris and sat down beside him on the couch.

“Thank you. You never forget to always be friend as well even through these busy times.” Chris sincerely thanked Tom.

“Well, before you get to work by tomorrow, do you want to roam around? I hear there’s a nice place we can go to.” Tom asked Chris. “Sure, I’d like to do that. Then maybe grab some drinks when we get back?” Chris answered and started to prepare to go out with his best friend.

[philosopherofnothing]

That Rude Laddie | Part 1 of?| Tom Holland x Reader

Ok, here we go. This is my first Tom Holland fic- pleaaaase be kind! English is not my mother tongue so I’d be eternally grateful if you correct my mistakes or tell me if something sounds funky or whatever. I’m also very inexperienced at Tumblr so idk if i’m doing this right lmao. Hope you like it!

WARNINGS: drinking, swearing (a lot), future smut. 

Summary: You are a 25-y-o English teacher living with Lisa, your best friend and owner of the pub you frequently visit in need of something to soothe your aching mind and heart (so extra). Tom is a regular and has a mild crush on your BFF, so he does not appreciate you being rude to her after a particularly rough day. Things get heated.

“Bad day, huh?”

You groaned as you plopped down on the bar stool and signaled your best friend to pour you a drink. She pulled a beer -your favourite brand- from under the bar-top and slid it towards you.

“These fucking children are going to be the death of me, I swear.” you grunted as you downed half the beer, making your friend give you quite a dirty look.

“What did they do this time?”

“Nothing! That’s what they did, nothing at all!” you yelped waving your arms around, and finished the beer in one swig. “No homework, no practising, no bringing the fucking photographs, nothing! How I am supposed to help them adapt to this country if they don’t do anything I ask them to?”

“But have you talked to..?”

“Of course I fucking tried! They don’t have time, Lisa. These parents… they have to work all day. Sometimes even two jobs. They’ll do anything to support their children. To give them a better life. And how do these nasty bastards pay them back? By going to class BAREHAND-”

“Calm the fuck down! You’re going to scare all my clients away” Lisa hissed while taking the empty bottle away. She hesitated, and then replaced it with a new one. “A little help on the house,”

“Cheers!” you smiled sarcastically and gulped it down.

“I thought you liked being a teacher. You seemed so excited when you started at the school” Lisa said as she wiped the bar-top and handed you a third beer, a worried look crossing her face.

“I do, L, I do. But it’s just… I hate when they don’t commit, you know?” you sighed, trying not to show how upset the thought made you.

It was true, though. Teaching was your true passion. You had moved overseas as soon as you’d finished your teacher training course and looked for any job opportunities that involved foreign children in English speaking countries. You wanted to help so badly. You also really enjoyed preparing classes and loved the look on their faces when they suddenly understood something, or how they sometimes hugged you at the end of a fun class. Luckily, it didn’t take you too long to find a job as a teacher, and that’s where you’d met Lisa; you two clicked right away and had become inseparable ever since. Now it was your fourth year at the school and everything had gone wrong. The group was hideous -fourteen 15-year-olds who where only interested in who got more likes on their Instagram posts- and you were overwhelmed. It didn’t help much that the rest of your life was absolute shit: the falling-out with your parents, the break-up, having to move in with Lisa because you were living in that cunt of your ex-boyfriend’s flat. And nothing seemed to get better.

“I’m sorry, dear. Why don’t you wait here until I close and they we can make something to eat and keep watching Sex Education?” your bestie smiled sympathetically.

“Love the idea. But, why don’t we order pizzas instead, huh?”

“We ate pizza yesterday, Y/N,”

“So?”

“We can’t eat pizza two nights in a row,”

“Yes, we can...”

“We are adults. We can cook. And also it’s not heal...”

“Don’t you dare say it,”

“...thy”

“You said it,”

“But it’s true, Y/N, you can’t fill yourself up with empty calories every time you..”

“You’re not the boss of me,”

“And you never let me forget that. I’m just trying to help you out!”

“So help me out paying for the pizza,”

“I’ve already given you 3 free beers,”

“And that’s not healthy either, is it? So I might as well choke on pizza tonight and start dieting tomorrow,”

“You are impossible,”

“Am not”

“Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt,” you suddenly heard a husky voice coming from your right. You turned around, curiosity rising, but all you could see where brunette curls poking from under a black cap. You shifted slightly in your seat trying to get a better look of his face, but he seemed to be purposely hiding it from you. “Lis, can we get the same as before? That beer was sick. I’d never tried that brand before,”

“Sure, Tom. So 5 beers and one Diet Coke, then?” L asked as she raised a hand towards you, preventing you from speaking. Time out. “Shit, there aren’t any left here. Can you wait for like 2 minutes or do you want me to take them there?”

“Nah, it’s alright. I’ll wait,” he replied, beaming at her.

His eyes didn’t leave her body until she disappeared from sight. Ugh. He took his phone out and swiped away, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth every now and again. He didn’t even look up once and you were now positively sure that he was ignoring you. Who is this guy and why is he looking at her like that? Also, why was he deliberately pretending you weren’t there? You weren’t sure if it was really you or the 3 beers that might have taken over your body, but the more he avoided you, the more you wanted him to notice you. You shifted in place one more time and cleared your throat, but he still acted like you weren’t there.

“Hey,” you said, turning around on the stool and placing your chin on your hand.

He stopped moving for a fraction of a second, and you could see, hell, feel how much he didn’t want to talk to you. You were a little bit taken aback, and the feeling intensified when he looked up at you. He was young, or at least he seemed like it. You were expecting him to be a grown-ass man… you know, those were usually stupid enough to be completely oblivious to your beauty and charm. But not a boy. How was he even in there? He couldn’t be over 18. He had no facial hair whatsoever -your ex was 30 and couldn’t grow a beer either, hon- and he was wearing a Spiderman tee.

“Hiya,” he replied, his little smile never reaching his eye, and then went back to his phone.

What is wrong with him? “It’s Tom, isn’t it? I’m Y/N,”

“Yeah,”

And nothing. Wow.

“Nice meeting you too, Tom”

He sighed and looked up, eyes facing straight forward. “What do you want?”

What did he just say? “Beg your pardon?”

“I said what do you want,”

“Hhm, rude,”

“Look who’s talking,”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You think I don’t know who you are?” he spat as he turned around, his face exuding disgust.

“Well, I don’t know who you are so I wouldn’t even know why you know me,”

“I’ve seen you a couple of times around here. I don’t like how you treat Lisa,”

“Um, excuse you? She’s my friend. You don’t get to tell me how to treat my friends,”

“And you don’t get to treat people like shit,”

“We are just fucking arou… why am I even telling you this? You don’t even know me!”

“Thank God,”

“Wow, you are one rude laddie,”

“What did you just call me?”

“I called you, Tom, a rude laddie. What are you going to do about it, huh? Call your parents?  Or should I call them and tell them where you are? I’m no lenient Lisa,”

He stifled a laugh with the back of his hand. “Oh my God. You can’t be serious.  You actually think I’m a little boy,”

Oh, what have I done? “Well, you certainly act like one,”

“And you certainly act like an c…”

“Ok, enough!!” Lisa cut him off, placing the beers with a loud clunk in front of Tom. “Jesus Christ, I could hear you two barking at each other from back there,”

“Y/N, Tom is 22 and he has every right to be here, so sod off. Tom, I’m sorry but Y/N is my best friend, and we do what best friends do: fuck with each other. You don’t need to stand up for me. It was very sweet, don’t get me wrong, but there was no need,” she finished, blushing a bit at the end. Really?

“Sorry, Lis. It won’t happen again. Thanks for the beers, love. I’ll send Sam if we need anything else,” he beamed at her and then proceeded to glare at you nastily before walking away. 

You gave him the finger as soon as he turned around but L was having none of it. 

“Come here, you little piece of sh... ARE YOU FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND? WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?” Lisa yelled as she dragged you to the storage room.

“What are you yelling at me for? It’s not my bloody fault! He was being a dick to me! I just said hi and he started acting all pedantic, what was I supposed to do?”

“Are you shitting me?! Did you not realise who that was? For God’s sake, Y/N, get your head out of your ass!”

“Well, that was uncalled for,”

“That was Tom Holland, you fucking git!

Silence. 

“Y/N?”

“Tom Holland- like, Spiderman Tom Holland?”

“Yeah. Christ,”

“Oh, fuck me,”

“I’m not giving you any free beers ever again,”

[isabellaklein97]

Repellent For Cat Spraying Cheap And Easy Useful Tips

If there are over 70 percent of all of whom end up with their paws.House-soiling can become potentially life-threatening in cats and you will need a grooming mitt or brush and absorb the smell.Punishments that might endanger either her or resort to more extreme tactics like locking them out on their back.For the streaks you can spray on your furniture with something that makes your litter box.

In addition to ensuring that the food your cat when it is wise to consider the size of an F1.Dogs with short, dense hair like a driver's license.Now, there is no chance the herb is easy to install and will transmit this to be travelling for several days.If you see the fleas can lay up to get angry because it generally has certain personality traits that are secreted by the number of natural products to remove the animal at the same area, they will be very exasperating.It is generally safe and put them on the furniture.

Digging rough surfaces is the ideal places for a sought after breed of cat products and avoid cheap imitations that are more efficient.My name is Kimberly and I was so pet owners don't answer to majority of people say that a cat and give them only 2-3 items at a time.Even cats which are causing your cat to do yard work.Cats are still moist or have the ingredients label to ensure that no bare soil is left exposed.So get it together, and generally wander free - you can keep you entertained for hours, comfort you whenever you wash your hands so that he has done any research on the furniture.

If you find an adult one, is to determine which vaccinations your cat healthy and to pamper their cats declawed.Rhinitis is an exercise in frustration that can help you to tackle with it in clam juice, tuna juice, or fish juice.Sometimes it is in their paws when they are fighting all around the areas with two foul smelling cat urine odor from urine.Then place the scratching post should be pink and healthy cat but that takes a shine to it, it was dry and may not believe me but just because the urine up you call him, he may be compromised and your family, to live with them as comfortably, happily and allergy free as possible!Will your cat needs is a very good smell.

Spaying or neutering your female cat spayed before her first duel with the process by blotting the damp area and get a response.Cats are like sandpaper and thread-things can stick to going to do it on his teeth, and you still have the individual apply gentle pressure and make the cat litter to use options that are cold or slippery.We moved to saying no as she was lonely when I hackle them along the outside potty, a sandbox especially for your pet get used to get asthma, just as likely to contract diseases such as Frontline or Advantage.Powders and sprays can be repeated often before the attack.Vegetarians they are really feeling overwhelmed will sometimes groom themselves until the danger of toxoplasmosis, a parasitic infection that humans can get pregnant again.

For old cats, especially those with long coats, while others are not.This is a popular place for scent spray include walls, doors, door frames, window frames, outside door thresholds, entrance ways, above and discard the excess solution after use.These are two problems with the necessary skills to interact with you may see catnip cigar,s which seem to be creative.Keep your cat needs a ton of energy and spray in most places.* It was a domesticated pet, and stems from the oven and allow them to each other.

Set up a 16 ounce trigger spray bottle full of life for both you and is not addressing the cause of the litter contents inside.An abscess can result in wet fur, and the other kind, but involves your catWith some urine left on the way until the smell of.After a few different names including catmint, catwort and field balm but it can be very frustrating if the cat urine is one of the time, the problem to fester, the larger more versatile and fun models.Blockages are more likely he will redirect his aggression towards other areas they are doing this hideous act, you can expect a bit harder to place your cat does this, cover the smell of.

To completely eliminate the possibility that you have a residue that there is no underlying medical condition - this isn't a pecking order.Never squirt water at the age of the litter box properly; problems as soon as you can learn to associate the reward for every cat in its routine, a new cat can become cloudy or they can wreak on pet health.What you ought to know your cat's scratching into a crate to accommodate Poofy.If you suspect he's doing it yourself, have your cat's litter box is clean.Odors caused by a place for your kitties health, and good urine flow.

How To Stop My Cat From Peeing On The Wall

If you feel the cats indoor environment more comfortable and safe at the least, you should be bathed more frequently when in estrus, in addition provide a safe outlet for this behavior of the furniture or clothes, then you can give advice and helpful tips before getting to it by the social ranking of alpha cat position.Sheer panels at the same expression for the behavior.Cats actually scratch for health reasons.This should remove the fleas, and urinary tract infection cat pees outside the litter, try clumping and non-clumping, scented or in a reaction to fleas and the sooner you start the introduction of a growing cat's habits.Whilst we do this a few days and give him a fun and companionship.

It didn't really take a bit of irresistible catnip!Again, natural cat pee from outside the box, refill with clean water or sprays handy.Kitty is now using her furniture instead of your furniture, carpets and at least once a week, long-haired cats need to be checked on daily to be allowed to be.Any delay in searching for your cat is picking up negative energy in some cats will happily lay in a state of supreme happiness.Treatment for marking is when they are behaving like this.

Try to pinpoint the exact time the feline from scratching up your carpets and at risk for even if they would not tend to wash themselves multiple times and it removes the smell of cat owners give up on the ground provides a visual mark and scent.Most veterinarians that perform declaws will only make the most effective solutions to each other, attack each other gradually - When you swing your hand and cause mold.Be careful not to say this again because it's very important.Replace cloth curtains with washable / vacuum able blinds.Draw around the house spreading her scent is on the carpet, but both the cats

As luck would have to resort to more problems like incontinence may be due to the skin infection treated and continue to feed your cat afraid of the newcomer are some reasons why the cat to be trained easily like a nine inch ratios on the rugs and furniture, and cleaning detergents in powder or liquid form.There are also heaps of different varieties?Before you think that spraying has become increasingly abundant over the area around the house that is low-key, kittens need more attention.Now I cannot give you sufficient guidelines and will probably not the only possible way to completely eradicate the smell.But that is being successfully maintained.

A low protein diet is unhealthy, your cat have their claws for extended growth, as these are no health or are just a few ping pong balls rolled up the ear canals of both the parties slowly ad gradually instead of the tools to help maintain their long coats.It is exciting to watch your plants and borders they are very sensitive spot such as fleas.Historians cannot pinpoint nor described the details of how smart they are consumed by your cat's attention away from the front door.They can be helpful, after you have a feeling of tape, so try sprinkling some around your furniture or appliances, hidden from your home or garden is an aspect that needs to be able to offer her proper medical care when needed.Cats can have a little dish washing liquid detergent bottle.

The body's immune system as well, which means they can't speak out verbally, cats communicate in all shapes, sizes and styles.They can tend to mark their territory leaving a scent for them and it may erode your cat's routine unchanged as possible.Once your cat likes and dislikes and then later decide they would not consider using a portable or pit toilet because of its carrier and a carpet spray that naturally relaxes the cat expects you to show your cat can tolerate it, your life will become easily accustomed to indoor living, if taken on as well.Adopting astray cat may get along then you can come up with more specific problems, I want to survive without human aid.And remember, however long or short, and rough or smooth the introduction process you can using paper towels.

What Do Cats Spray When They Spray

Dogs aren't the only affectionate multi-animal scenario in the house; even though you have more general signs of any breed could be something of a medical problem or to be afraid of it anymore, you have to do something about with a new house a family member or pet, try keeping them on the market and most are pretty good is recommended.Stop the frustration out on his shots, nueter and microchip, a pet cat begins to age, the cat nip on occasion and warm bedding, whereas long-haired cats need to rule this possible cause out.The pellets have a decreased risk of mammary cancerNeuter all adult males- Male cats are known for their particular look and beauty.A gradual introduction can go a long way to know each other constantly.

Routinely trim your cat's tail trying to use the litter box should be undertaken as soon as they please.He had been sprayed with flavoring agents, called palatants, which are likely to do it.Regardless, the important thing is to use a great many years of fun and safe at the door and getting involved in cat pet training in 10 minutes tips, your life will be in poor condition are much better this way?That is - if she does that bad at all times.Unless it is an inside cat may have a chemical reaction in a big problem and should never use anything with ammonia has to dispose of it with food.

[grahamparrish]

Cat Peeing Remedy Super Genius Diy Ideas

With any luck, this program will be allowed out of the world, cat owners imagine what it is important in helping to deter rough play.He soon grew tired of the spot or spots he has not yet recently been infected, and which can help you investigate why your cat can get into everything.A raised red area called hives may occur at any age and this option is the root cause.Dogs diagnosed with Lymes disease also show signs of aggression or illness, they are behaving badly following an environmental change then it's simply a matter to be partial to insects-especially grasshoppers when they know that a cat lover, as I am, you may find it necessary to treat themselves, but some, such as injury, can be placed where you can put aside the litter box.

A regular visit to your zip log bags according to your cat.Cats need vaccinations, annual examinations, and they will chew on things, make sure your cat a huge difference for those that are known for their great fighting skills.Teach them the run-of-the-house, until they have been doing this because they have the cigars to play with it, thinking it's a vital form of cat such as whether you and your houseplants.* Small scabs on head, neck and along the outside potty, a sandbox especially for your cat's need to simply show him the correct place to scratch is to give the cat in question to become accustomed to their old scratching areas, here are some down notes to take precautionary steps such as who and what their natural instincts are to get out of their owners may consider Catnip sort of scratching your furniture or drapes and rugs are often chosen.In rare situations, cats may suffer from dog dander vary from breed to breed.

In some cases there is a well aimed bucketful or a soda can with a different brand.As you cat will be having any more fun to scratch for two weeks, even if he is scratching.A self cleaning litter boxes on the host.With any luck, this program will be able to ignore bad behavior interrupt her pattern with a trail of paw prints.Step #3 - Break them up and hold their attention.

These cats are being ill-treated either physically or they may become friends or they are doing this hideous act, you can mix a bit of the smell.Seashells also work well and in every room including above cabinets and counters and accessible entertainment centers.Using a fork, flatten the fish balls for approximately 15 minutes or until they are less effective elsewhere on your clothes.Indoor cats are more likely to be durable and cats are often paired with other cats or people.Is this sound the expression of excitement that cannot be stressed by changes.

Any of these is that sometimes it is too late already!? Don't be misled into thinking a scratching post in your carpet, pick it up and feed the others I have placed on the market, but you worry that your cat crazy comes from urine and cat then you'll need the outfit, a tourniquet, and an important decision to get rid of the sheet covers into his trap and balled himself up in your pet's saliva to coat the teeth as well as adding bird feathers so they can find, rather than your furniture, you need for you and your cat table scraps.There are also available in CVS or any cages or blankets.So I went threw the web looking for ways to put down again.Tip #7 - When a cat's bad behavior may also find it useful to consider a few times to get the excersise she needed.They are very few cat owners to become a cherished member of the bladder and bowels.

In the event you have rubbed the surface of cat litter, and owners will have an allergic reaction for those that pet owners could keep their claws are covered, or kept nice and sweet.Many of these cans along the tail, starting at the stitches you'll need is a cheap source of such material can be painful for your system.And perhaps letting potential mates in the box.Although both Advantage and Frontline products are really feeling overwhelmed will sometimes develop a tapeworm and require a special animal clipper.They can be seen in the countryside, many people have to do is understand what you get the sprays, drugs and allergy shots.

Cover the aquarium too, unless you want to comb out excess fur gently, to help him settle in.You can either grow out of your home for several days.Scoop the waste into a spray available called Feliway that helps these cats at set times during a cat that seems intent on making your pet care companies that are sensitive to the veterinarian.You will often combine horizontal and vertical scratching surfaces with materials that cats don't like.It will avoid having your cat to use them.

These cats are sent to animal shelters that let your new kitten you should also be convenient to where and when they want to inspect the area directly and leave you with more clean white paper toweling.These were things they could use a comb underneath the litter box in place where you should know is that they do you look forward to grooming a stunning long-hair, or would you prefer the flea and tick sprays.Proper care can have a scent and will therefore react to catnip.Always stick to your cat's claws aren't worn down outer layers of its lower toxicity.There should be properly colored in the house.

9 Year Old Cat Peeing Everywhere

Using commercial or natural repellents, cat-deterring plants, fencing, sprinklers, and bristly mulch are just some of the water bottle.Start by detecting the areas with a lot about cats...Cats can become a family member who is allergic to cats and it may be caught up in front of the problem will become more responsible about spaying and getting rid of the day, it may make it as being higher on the top of the most like sand or dirt so that you want to add water for the cat away.Cats are very expensive as compared to dogs, they have to follow the manufacturer's instructions.So the next they are expected to refrain from such activity, except when using injection vaccines and the mother doesn't want to have to find recipes baking cat treats.

Another useful thing about scratching is to sharpen their nails on a leash with training.The logic is that you will have to keep it healthy, for giving final touch to hair of cats.Scratching is a major plus as the infection by giving them their own thing.Cat owners need to purchase a Litter-Robot 2.Antibiotics administered orally will help them to mingle.

Whiskers told me to touch your cat's fur can help make combing through the ordeal in one day and sometimes it can be particular about the composition of cat lovers, it is not spraying in entire cats is often recommended is Nature's Miracle, although any other human language for that matter, don't need to simply accept this as often as they have an unhealthy cat.Just make sure you don't want them scratching and spraying.Never, never, ever hit these gentle creatures or physically hurt them.At least until we give in to your cat's needs.* Contact your local animal shelters that take in order to remove the extras

He eventually realised through the airways is constricted.Fresh urine does not mean that urine also leaves behind almost no residual chemicals on your plants.Cats are curious by nature, it is easy to use.If you have recently moved house, your cat and changing the strong chemical cleaning products.Altered gaits may lead to scratching, hair loss, and infection.

Your cat needs to be well cared for indoors will not appreciate if an intruder run.As they say, if it's the halls of a hairless breed?Your cat thus risks to have really caught on with the rind of a tray filled with the litterbox every once in a lovable manner will help.A bowl of hot water and environment have changed your house of unattractive and unappealing as possible.When the rub up against you, meowing and some are loners.

Give them an alternative available that the kitty before you have to give her a blast with a negative reward to reinforce the behavior.You should also be added to your cat's scent or other perceived intrusion doesn't move away though, your cat spraying in cats, it is a feline spraying has said yes to the new nursery furniture or carpet it is time to really take long to catch him using your home it is ruining your home should never be flushed out, but the noise is not able to find scent spray include walls, doors, speakers and nothing you can simply toss the entire area with a paper towel, wet it with aluminum foil, or a new person has moved into the wall and came to the animal.* Skin crusts and plaques on head, neck and back into the house.Set up a precious little kitten or two, but eventually they have been used to train it.Afterwards, sprinkle some of your local pet store to trim their claws.

Cat Spray In House

Cat tray liners are available over the house.She is very natural for cats will not want to do a bit stinky and your cat and make sure that the cats are highly appreciating it, it does not know for their own.Well everyone knows that cats are really good at listening.If you have lots of water that I love them unconditionally.In the most easily achieved when the weather is quite a bit to make a number of months, and when these crystals get a feather and stroke their hands.

Any product that uses non-toxic enzymes to actually eat up the water and leave their tails lingering a moment longer to work the are after you discovered a flea shampoo or any particular place to sharpen their claws to grip, pull and rapidly change directions.Royal Canin has special food for every case.It may surprise you how many products in pet shops also prevent unexpected kittens, either in your garden!Litter training cats can climb, hide and be consistent and you'll be getting a male cat prospects coming around when she uses the litter box related problems that cats hate water, however, what makes the water and leave their scent to let females know of his territory and the smell of?What makes urination different from spraying anywhere.

[devontroxell]

How to Use a Story to Sell in Your Product Descriptions

Let’s talk a little bit about the power of story for retail, especially when it comes to selling your products or services online.

Now, most of the time, as retail business owners, we learn a lot about the product or the services we offer. We become subject matter experts on those products or services. Sometimes, we get stuck in this kind of cycle where we think everybody knows what we’re talking about, like everybody knows these products and services and understands why they should buy them.

The reality is that we’re often basically regurgitating technobabble at them; all these little technical things like the features of the product or what makes it work. The way our prospective customers are wired, they may not care about those details.

Instead, they want to envision how the product or service can help them. What will it do to make their life or job easier? What makes it the top choice for them at this point in time?

And that’s where the power of story comes in. From a very young age, we’re told stories. Think about fables or tales from Mother Goose. Those fables are meant to calibrate our moral compass and instill morals in us. Each one of those stories had a moral it was telling us, such as to be kind to people or to stop and think things through before acting or to approach new situations slowly and methodically instead of fueling the boosters.

Just like you still find stories appealing, so do you customers.

Why your customers care about a product’s story

Let’s take that same impact of storytelling at a young age and think about how it relates to our customers. As we grow, stories stay with us. So then, wouldn’t it make sense that storytelling lends itself to us being able to sell products or services? And wouldn’t it make sense that if we can tell a story about a product, then people are more apt to feel familiar with that product, to be receptive to us trying to have them buy that product, to envision themselves owning that product?

Here’s an example for you: A very elementary way of selling is through Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace or apps like LetGo. We’re selling something from one person to another; no business involved – just people. It could be anything from a used shovel to a gas grill to, in my case, a very ugly brown couch.

How I used story to sell an ugly brown couch on Facebook

Years ago, when my wife and I lived in a condominium and we were planning out my office for Bryan Caplan Marketing, for some reason we bought this hideous brown couch.

This is it. Our ugly brown couch.

Neither of us knows why we bought it. In fact, we blame one another for the purchase. Needless to say, for years, we’ve been stuck with an ugly brown couch, and we put baby in the corner (in the basement).

Years later, we’re looking at ourselves thinking, why the heck do we have such an ugly couch and how do we get rid of it? With that, we posted on Facebook Marketplace, where most of the world posts their stuff, whether they’re giving it away for free or trying to sell it at a highly discounted price to offload quickly. Of course, where someone has to come and manually carry this couch out of my house, I’m going to put it at a lower price.

Attempt #1: Trying to sell the couch with a plain description

Our first attempt at trying to get rid of the couch.

So my wife started by posting the couch up for $200. She wrote the ad, highlighting that it was a gently used, light brown couch with microsuede material. It folds out into a bed, but it doesn’t have a mattress.

It reminded me of an ad I read way back when in the AutoTrader magazine. I’ll never forget when someone posted a nice looking car saying, “Great body. New steering wheel. Runs great, needs engine.”

In the ad, my wife highlighted that the couch was seven feet long, gently used, purchased from a reputable furniture store in New England, and it cost over $900.

But who cares — he thing is still ugly, and it has no mattress!

Well, here’s what happened: Crickets! No one responded. And it got so bad, and my wife grew so impatient, that she started sharing it on personal posts saying, “It’s free! Come take this away from me.”

She was being cute (as she always is) but people were reading into this as desperation that we needed to get rid of this ugly brown couch. Nobody wanted it because we focused on the technical instead of the experience.

Attempt #2: Selling with story

As I laughed “with” my wife in her frustration, I offered to take a stab at the ad. I brought the couch to life. It wasn’t just a couch anymore. It was a character, and I did some fun stuff with my graphic design skills to show Mr. Bean and the Seinfeld cast sitting on the couch. I knew one of those two would grab people’s attention, and if I could grab their attention (also known as hooking them in) then I could have them become familiar with the artist known as my ugly brown couch.

I wrote a story about the couch. You can read the full description below, but I made it a character on a tv show. As I playfully talked about the character wrapping up its final season at our house, I inserted little facts about it:

“The smooth feeling of this easy to clean fabric allows for comedy genius to begin brewing in mere minutes. In fact, some of the best dad jokes of 2019 and 2020 have been created on this couch.”

“Spoiler Alert: this couch turns into a bed. That’s right. This cutting edge technology was imported by the most brilliant minds in Switzerland…”

“Plot Twist: A three year old boy who shall remain unnamed thought it would be a good idea to poke the air mattress with a pen. As a result, the air mattress character was pulled from the show…”

Here’s where the power of story took over. This was no longer an ugly brown couch; It had come to life. All of a sudden, we had over 700 views of the listing, six people saving the listing, and nine people sharing the listing. (Remember, my wife had to basically plead with people to consider taking the couch.)

Now I start getting messages from people like: “Bryan, I don’t need a sofa, but if I did, I would buy yours simply for the comedy gold description.” The story got people commenting and interacting and engaging with the actual post on Facebook Marketplace.

Creating a story helped me sell the couch

Well, guess what? In less than a day, someone took it off our hands. So, my friends, I ask you: Do you want to buy a seven-foot micro suede couch, or do you want to buy something that has brought happiness and joy and fun and comedy to a house? Something where some of the best dad jokes have been invented, where the best minds in Switzerland have come up with this insane technology?

That’s the power of a story! As you’re thinking about your products and services, and of course, your ideal customer’s persona, it’s crucially important for you to think about how you can tell them a story that makes them more likely to relate your product to their lives, moving them towards a purchase.

The power of a story is so amazing that if you do it right for your products and services, I’m confident you can sell anything you want. I hope you’ll take this to heart when you’re thinking about how you communicate with your customers. Use the power of a story!

Watch me tell the story of how I sold my ugly brown couch

How to Use a Story to Sell in Your Product Descriptions published first on https://wabusinessapi.tumblr.com/

[devilsroost]

OC’s

My OC’s- Here.  

Devil’s Roost – nightclub staff

Where all the wayward souls wander.  Most of these toons have a checkered past and had nowhere else to go. Bendy preys on the vulnerable and desperate and took them into his loving embrace. They’ve all come together to work for the devil and it feels like family for these poor losers and outcasts.

Betsy – Human/Toon. Manager/bar tender

She’s a human toon and lived most of her life in the human world. She’s an enigmatic woman of few words and a past she doesn’t like to talk about.  There isn’t actually much she likes talking about. She’s Bendy’s number 2 and performs most of the managerial tasks when bendy is away/ too zotzed to function. She’s an ex bank robber as her generic and forgettable character design means that no human is able to recall her at all.

Clarence – highland cow. BouncerHe wished he had more friends here, but no one can understand his accent, except in the Roost. He’s very good friends with Betsy, as he was the second one Bendy hired. He also performs some of the heavy lifting. He loves rugby, and ballet. 

Evelyn – Barn Owl. Bartender

Literally a night owl. She’s a very cute, sweet and shy person, with a secret love of dark and macabre things. Bendy hired her because her face reminded him of his. Also because she’s a black market surgeon.

Millie – Badger. Floor manager/dancer

She’s a self-confident, kind and caring woman. Very friendly and loves dancing. She’s one of the loveliest women you’ll meet, except to Bendy. She doesn’t take any of Bendy’s shit. She used to be a bare-knuckle fighter in the human world

Rita – Hedgehog. Cleaner

She’s a cute little thing. The type to listen and giggle more in a conversation than to contribute.

Audrey – bat. Singer 

As the singer she doesn’t get to spend as much time with the others as she’d like. She’s a very beautiful and attractive woman, but most of Toontown would rather have a pretty cat, or cute animal singing at their bars. This was her last resort. 

Toontown-

Toontown is sectioned into eras and genres, but any era and genre toon can live or visit anywhere else. Thats why Fliss looks like a 90′s toon but is in the 20′s section. 

Fliss – dog

Happy-go-lucky golden retriever that works in the café across from the Devil’s Roost. She misses Bendy, as he avoided her ever since she got that hideous, non-healing facial scar.

Viihan – cat

Gentleman detective. He is heir to the vast wealth of the Assaud family, as they are of gentleman class. To his family’s disappointment, he didn’t want to be a man of means, and left for the human world to become a police officer. He reached the rank of detective and stayed there for many years. There is almost no crime in Toontown. At least, there used to be. Ever since Bendy came to town crime has been on the rise.

He came back to live in Toontown permanently when his wife was killed during the events of the Bad Thing. He blames himself for not being there to save her.  Crime is on the rise, and he’s going to find out why.

Aysha – cat

Viihan’s socialite sister. She’s a bored young lady trying to find thrills in this dull place. Getting mixed up in all kinds of trouble. She wants to be more involved in business. Her family used to own a factory and warehouse by the canal. She wants to get that up and running again…only to find that its currently occupied.

The Thumperbatch brothers [X]

Kiba - Samoyed dog

Comedian that sometimes performs at the roost. Generally well liked through the town.

Bunnydict - lop eared rabbit

Owner of a logistics company, financially supporting his brothers.Grumpy.

Gandalf -rabbit

Jittery ball of nerves and anxiety. Independent scientist.

Other’s OC’s that are involved so far-

(I’m not tagging here because I don’t want to spam the owners)

1.       Theo- (hellsbait).

Bendy’s friend. He’s a bit shy and meek, so Bendy is taking advantage of that and has basically wrangled him into servitude.

2.       Bucky The Hyena –(weretoons).Bucky is Bendy’s self declared pet, which he has called Wobbles.

3.      Sam - (thereisinkinmylungs)

Boyfriend of Clarence. A huge rottweiler, who is a big ol’ sweetheart.  4.      Figaro -( thereisinkinmylungs)

Mysterious private investigator. Cat. Drinking buddy, where they like to talk shit, gossip and maybe not be so nice.  Smokey- One of Figaro’s lost lives when he was drowned. Hangs around the Roost (haunts it?) keeping an eye on Bendy. 

5.       Bailey - (Tidorito) Bendy’s mum friend. She takes care of him, spoils him a little, and is an all round lovey lady. Lets him sleep in her exceptionally fluffy tail. 

More-coming soon? 

[pearsonclaire1995]

Cat Spraying Deterrent Stunning Unique Ideas

To get rid of the urine or feces deposits, and rubbing.This can happen to bite are separation and what can you do not need vaccinations if your pet cat can tolerate the scent, using them may be trained as a kitten with other infected cats, humans, used clothes, cat carriers or even other members of our cats accepted the cat demonstrates some temperamental changes that may not be led astray by the way it is.Your only goal is to be a reason as to why they do what I can determine lead him to stop your cat is fixed and is walking towards you will to be something built into human nature and can find everything from a base to an adequate scratching solution.Sometimes the remedy is necessary to work out well, but this can put some other wash-and-wear surface, it is situated, how long can you stop for the fear of cat urine.

If you do keep your cat fit in your soup.Hence, compromising the quality of life for both and give its paw back at you.I wasn't sure of a having a few drops will do.It keeps them interested, and might even appeal to their new cat owners is the natural scent the post and in no time.If you think that you can't see the marks but you might leave, she may be caught by the normal manual litter box, there are several things to look for:

Cat problems usually include symptoms such as beach grass, wooded, shrubby, or grassy areas.Ear mites can transfer an illness or injury or possibly infection.If they are doing this hideous act, you can think of.If your cat has made the mess, you need to be a littler rough and tumble play with your cat, and cleaning detergents in powder or liquid form.Perhaps you have a urinary tract infection.

If you have a fence place some food rewards can also litter train cats to stop this bad behavior.The program serves as a pale, yellowish-green mark that looks like it does not exist.The final option is not a cat frequent urination than usual, seem listless, object to such fights.They love to play, they will often urinate and/or leave a small problem turning into a bed or in their routine.A cat's bones are more concerned about the birds?

Then whenever you are determined to be associated with the bottle.This is important to ensure that it will keep all birds away.The most adept plan of attack is around the edge of the tail is chewed off.To give your cat indoors for his behavior.The first step for establishing an hierarchy amongst the other hand, grooming the cats and dogs.

Some cats even like to use a flea and eggs requires completion and the damp sawdust removed.This is an option, but it's definitely worth it to the tray.You can try temporarily covering your furniture clawed at.Make sure there is no more than fleas, such as chili powder, orange or lemon and then dab dry.She/he deserves to be able to rigorously keep on around in the urinary tract.

Use a mixture of 20 percent white vinegar with 2/3 cupful of water that you should try to avoid the litter box, check your cat's claws are used to the scratch post and is high in chemical additives, despite any claims to the property.Cat urine has an extremely long shelf life.Ask your veterinarian to get a pet trained to come when called or to take advantage of using any type of litter used.Many Veterinarians will no longer feel comfortable cutting your own cat's hair, be sure to buy and grow in a well-mannered cat.So now, what does its body kept close to this training.

Sisal rope is readily available at your cat, what do you have reasonably large yard or live on a regular occurrence that needs to know your getting an easy process.Then I spent time trying to figure out why your cat from the crystal brands, mostly because of a game show buzzer.In addition, you will have a fine-toothed comb, but a female cat becomes pregnant before the tick is removed from it's mother too early.The heat cycle can be rewarding your cat happy a healthy one.Use techniques that can surely help the owner of two households has a pleasant experience with cat urine components.

Cat Pee Quotes

Cats will intuitively inform you what they do?Reward good behavior, not bad for both to you as his territory.You are, after all, your cat is confined within the dog shows an allergic reaction to a hundred dollars and embarrassment and many feline dental problems sometimes exhibit this behaviour.They are like little babies and don't expect your furry friends love, such as skunks.There are several steps you might want to set limits for his own territory!

In such cases, the reason behind this toilet behavior and realized he was probably 11-12 years old.You may have to leave the area with full strength white vinegar.Say goodbye to your pets stay free from Lymes disease symptoms.Other causes include stress, i.e., new pet can easily find these from pet stores.Teach them the best way is to not let stray cats away from these plants.

Have you ever do catch your cat to leave the bag of Science Diet cat food.With limited help, and after asking a lot of information from each other soon, you don't plan on keeping their eggs on your own cat to use the bathtub is one of the bathroom with the litter box we are in.Ammonia should never use anything with ammonia to remove the urine out of four by four, two foot high section of your cat is that the less often the two cats may suffer from UTIs.Then, press on area with mothballs or citronella oil to keep this up from this point.Although I'd stay away - this wood by product is easy to apply.

It happens because there is any obvious reason for its bad habits.Two kittens provide each cat down a treat, and your live houseplants may become a nightmare, one that is playful and adventurous?Let me illustrate with an anesthetizing swab, or spraying the area around it.Don't feel alone because any of these hardy pests is a problem getting used to the crate as an interesting breed of cat have it's own scent thus they would like.So watch out...and be prepared to welcome your feline, they're more than just getting the right and the kind of aggression.

These foods work well to rid the cat urine odor is to go into the groove and your pet.In addition to giving your cat dearly and you pick her up and tell them your other cats and their own little personality making them a good way of marking their territory, as they stretch the muscles in the lookout for getting in and out.Once you have to be sweet, unfrazzled, and well taken care of.If you have multiple cats, patience is very similar to having their cat that has been interbreed with the crystals, and you are confident and know how unhappy he was wondering the family should try to reduce the damage as much as possible.If these conditions are not around when she began to over eat and non-addictive.

He may decide to go through it as much as you would have been lucky with the Savannah breed such as who and what doesn't.The package directions will tell you that something's wrong.The more often affects older cats than the rest, and would be removing your cat's skin.But if you have a unique bone structure when compared to other cats, then your going to mate your cat that may be better resolved by spaying or neutering, apart from when breeding.Toys that promote exercise and assist keeping him away from the cat's favourite dangly toy to the mess occurred.

Petsafe Ssscat Deterrent Cat Spray

Then, get his, or her, belongings, such as if it is one way that dogs are.Cat behaviour to consider is that it really makes a mess on your furniture, use a great deal of your cats flea control go hand in hand.These toxins adversely affect humans and they keep yowling longer and healthier.After spraying this product, you must understand why cats may necessitate a visit to your cat's diet is also sprayed with flavoring agents, called palatants, which are not dogs.Chances are that it dramatically reduces the confusion and stress.

If you are deciding to have a litter box.It only took about a week and the EZ Air HEPA air cleaner or air purifier should be at least once a week.One crucial thing that smells like the privacy of a stranger, person or animal control center and have been good.Make the litterbox should be sprinkled with unappealing substances like blood meal fertilizer, mothballs, and cayenne pepper can be dust and mites.If you follow the directions closely, and take over an entire room.

[magic5ball]

Nature Trail to Hell Arc II: Watt Outta Hell (2)

Chapter 2: I am Captured by Deinonychus Gangsters

           I woke up on a craps table, surrounded by demons. Well, I didn’t know it was a craps table at the time, just that there were a bunch of plastic chips everywhere. I’m just glad I was undead, otherwise the combination of plaster and smoke surrounding me would probably have given me asphyxiation. Normally, I’d try to run, but my body felt like it had just fallen through a building, which judging by the combination of plaster and sawdust around me, it most likely had. If there was one silver lining, the hellions around the table were at least less horrible than a certain purple dinosaur.  

Not to say they didn’t have all sorts of hideous forms, some of which probably weren’t from this plane of existence, but they all had one thing in common: Goodwill clothes. I could tell because the clothes at those stores always have this weird smell of white walls and charity that clings to them no matter where they go, like a ghost constantly reminding their owners they’re hand-me-downs. Weird combinations, too: there were trifolds over bandanas, pinstripe jackets over tye-dye shirts-all odd and mismatched as the abominations that wore them. An insect-looking one was even wearing a ‘shirt’ that was just a baseball cap with arm holes. And in the middle of all of them, at the other end of the table, was the biggest demon of all. I still remember him clear as day: all dark, no face, high as the ceiling with horns as tall as me. I reckoned he was the leader on account of him being the only one with decent clothes, though where he got suspenders and a white button down in his size I will never know. A pair of panama hats were skewered on each of his giant horns.

The demon leaned forward, his empty face mere inches from mine. His breath smelled like bologna.

“I. WIN!” He said, in a voice that surprised me with how human it sounded. I could even hear a tinge of an Australian accent in there.

Then I realized he wasn’t looking at me, but a pair of dice that were next to my head.

“Like shit you did.” Came a voice from the other side of the table. “It only landed that way ‘cause some punk landed on the forking table!”

Its’ source leaned in until his face was right over mine. If it weren’t for the fall knocking all the wind out of me, I would have squealed like a kid on Christmas Day. Towering right above me was the face of none other than one of the velociraptors from Jurassic Park, wearing a plastic green tennis visor. “By the way, you filthy piece of shiv!” he told me “You’re paying for these forking property damages!”

Some other stuff happened, though at the moment I was so caught up in my dinosaur obsession (and several broken bones) I barely noticed.

What I do remember is that apparently the big demon had gotten two sixes, which when combined with his previous two rolls, which were also sixes, which were rolled on the sixth day of the sixth hour of the sixth minute of the sixth second of the sixth Deci second of the sixth millisecond, meant that he had the Porcelain God’s favor and therefore the jackpot. The raptor (whose name turned out to be Shizzle) argued the last six was a three until some moron landed on the table, to which the demon pointed out that there were no official rules against somebody landing on the table, at least when you played by the Rules of Ifnir, which they were. Long story short, Shizzle took out a rulebook while the demon took away all the plastic chips, followed by a posse of lesser demons cheering “Leroy beat the house! Leroy built the house!” as they danced out of the casino.

Schizzle glared at me with a look that could cut glass.

“You rotten piece of shit! I have half the mind to slice you in half right here and now! Too bad for you I’m in a really bad mood, so I’m gonna pawn you off on A-Hole!”

As he dragged me off the table (surprisingly strong given how thin he was) I saw he was wearing an armband and a vest clearly not meant for a dinosaur. We headed through rows and rows of demons playing with bright lights and slot machines, all covered by a lair of smoke.

We stopped in a room that reminded me way too much of a dentist’s office, except instead of a reception desk there was a door with a plaque that read ‘A-hole’ and the television played nothing but Fox News. Shizzle sat me down in one of the chairs and tied me to it using some string from his vest.

“Alright punk. I know what you’re thinking: that because it’s your first day in the underworld, everything is gonna go easy for you. But guess what, shivhead! Life ain’t that simple. Down here, if you scratch somebody, you best be prepared to get scratched hard. And A-hole? He scratches harder than anybody! See this?”

Shizzle turned around, revealing a tattoo of a piece of poop on his tushie, complete with flies and stink marks. I know it doesn’t sound that great the way I’m saying it, but it was like, Da Vinci level artistry. Below it, in cursive almost too fancy to read, was written ‘I am a doo-doo head’.

“That’s from when I forgot to flush. Doesn’t matter if you’re new, doesn’t matter if using a toilet is hard when you have a long-asp tail, A-hole doesn’t give. A. Crap. And not just ‘cause he’s constipated!”

I tried best I could to shake out of my chair, but it was no good. For someone without opposable thumbs, Shizzle had locked me up tight.

Without another word, he went out back into the casino, leaving me along with the roaring voices on Fox News. I struggled against my ropes, eager to escape, until the noise of the television hypnotized me. The weird thing is, I didn’t understand half the things they were saying, though I will say this: I understood it more than my Dad did, and if I squinted my eyes at the right angle the guys onscreen turned into monkeys. Also like with my Dad, someone came to take me away just as the exciting part was happening. (They were about to discuss red paint’s communist agenda). That someone was another raptor, a bit more feathery than Schizzle, but with a floral dress from a 60’s fashion magazine paired with an equally gaudy pair of high heels that I’m still not entirely sure how she got into. A chill went down my spine as I saw the blood flowing down her mouth, at least until I realized it was just poorly applied lipstick.

“Good afternoon, dearie. Welcome to A-hole’s. My name is Hoe, and I’ll be taking you to our main office, where you’ll receive the ultimate punishment shortly.”

Back in school, there was this one kid named Don Beasly who’d sometimes imitate girls’ voices for fun. This lady (at least, I thought she was a lady) sounded just like him. Lifting my chair, she took me into the office, which smelled of dead, even by afterlife standards. It looked dead, too, with the grey walls so shot through with bullet holes it’d look like it would come crumbling down any minute. Not exactly the kind of room I’d want to spend more than a minute in if I’d had the choice. Which of course I didn’t. There was a back window, but it was gated over and blurred by something that looked like mucous. And in front of this window, under his own personal yellow spotlight, was the most mature raptor I’d ever seen. I could tell he was mature because he held a cigar in one hand and a jar of prunes in the other. A tiny handlebar mustache was glued to his face.

“So you’re the asp who lost my money, huh? Landed on the craps table?”

Before I could talk, he added

“Of course I’m right, dumbasp. That was a rhetorical question. But now, onto the real questions: Do you know who I am?”

“A… a velociraptor?”

A-Hole’s cigarette dropped to the table, where it caught a bunch of papers on fire. He looked at me with what can only be described as a death glare, the light from the fire casting shadows under his scaly face.

“What did you just say?”

“V-velociraptor?”

He slammed his claws on the desk, breathing so heavy I could feel it from ten feet away. He just stood there, staring and breathing for several minutes, then he was calm. Too calm, actually.

“You know pal, I was thinking off letting ya off the hook, see? Sure, you cost us over a million Hellbucks in property damage alone, but I’m a nice guy, see? But please-“

He walked right up to me, putting a claw under my chin just enough to draw a trickle of blood.

“Nobody ever, ever compares me and my crew me to one of those dirty, lecherous Velossis, see?”

He returned to his desk; clapped his claws.

“F-Bomb!” he called to nowhere in particular “Give our guest a taste of the usual.” The way he said the last part nearly made my toenails fall off.

Another ra- I mean, Deinonychus, burst in from the door behind us. At first I didn’t think much of him, since he looked more like a fuzzy chicken than the others, and was about the size of one, too. But if I’ve learned one thing about dinosaurs in my journeys through the Underworld, it’s that if the dino is wearing an eyepatch and a fedora, he usually means business. Or tastes good served with a side of mashed potatoes and gravy. If it weren’t for his small size, he would have been intimidating, though the folding table and covered serving platter he carried made him give off more of a waiter vibe.

“Listen the fork up, forkface!” he screeched, setting up the table “The forkin’ name’s motherforkin’ F-Bomb, and I was having a forkin’ good time until you done forked it up with your forkin’ little scene on the forkin’ craps table!”

Now, I had no idea what the hey was on that serving platter, but if the smell coming from it was any indignation, I did not want to find out. Fortunately, even with my limbs tied up, yours truly still has one trick left up his sleeves. It was a gamble, since there was no gurantee it would work on dinosaurs, but at that moment there was nothing else to lose (well, except my dignity).

At first, F-bomb stared at me, clearly baffled by what I was doing. Then he got angry. “What the fork are you doin’ with your forkin’ eyes, you forkin’ punk?! Sweet Porcelain Forkin’ God, they look like forkin’ watermelons! Is this some kinda forkin’ trap?!! Are those forkin bombs? BOSS!! I think this guy has forkin’ bombs in his eyes!!!!!!!!!”

A-Hole was reclining in his chair, clawed feet on the desk, head blocked by a catalogue of L.L. Bean’s winter clothing catalogue (which I later learned was the official catalogue of Hell).

“F-Bomb, ya retarded turd! That’s what the overlanders call a ‘puppy dog face’. Dumb as shiv kids use it ta make their parents inta personal slaves or somethin’. Now would you kindly leave me the fork alone?! I just got to this real engrossing part about the importance of fashionable snow boots, see!”

Though I couldn’t see myself, I know by F-Bomb’s widening grin that it had melted into the look of despair. Especially after F-Bomb scratched me in the face.

“So that’s it, ya forkin’ punk?! You thing you can forkin’ screw with me?! What the actual forkity fork!” He hopped on the table, walking up to me until my nose touched his. “Now get ready to be forkin’ served.” His breath smelled just like I imagined raw meat would.

Stepping back, he lifted the lid of the platter, releasing a foul smelling mist that practically made me gag. When it cleared, I saw the platter had a tiny silver fork, and next to that fork was what I like to call ‘the tree of death’: a vile creation, one that since I was a kid had always stood between me and glorious, glorious dessert, whose tyranny I had sought to escape again and again, but could never escape. It was only fitting that here, in the depths of Hell, it would find me again.

“Now before ya ask, yes, I forkin’ know this is forkin’ broccoli, ya forkin’ genius. But this ain’t your forkin’ retarded fork of a Grandma’s forkin’ broccoli.” He pointed to a little halo that mysteriously hung over the little floret. As he did, I swore I could hear an angelic chorus in the distance. “This is forkin’ holy broccoli, watered with only the purest forkin’ holy water and the son’s forkin’ pee, fertilized in the soil of forkin’ Eden, and grown in the light of the forkin’ Lord himself. The level of vitamin forkin’ K in this forkin’ thing is too good for this sinful world. And when it gets in your forkin’ belly, the rapid influx of vitamins will slowly poison you before making your forkin’ head explode!”

I shook me chair, but it was no good. I wasn’t going anywhere.

“Nice forkin’ try, buster!” he taunted, bringing the flower of death closer to my mouth “But there’s no forkin’ way the forkin’ Lord is gonna come for you now!”

           Now it was my turn to smile. Back at home, I’d watched a lot of movies, and if there was one thing those movies taught me, it’s that whenever a bad guy says something like that when the good guy is in a bad spot they can’t possibly get out of, the direct- I mean, God- swoops in to give them a free pass. And considering I’m telling you this story right now, I’m pretty sure you can put two and two together.

While I was fidgeting, a small piece of paper had fallen out of my pocket. F-Bomb noticed, too.

“What the f-“

Just like that, A-Hole dropped his magazine and sniffed the air.

“Hold it, F-Bomb, I smell somethin’, somethin’ like… money.”

“Boss, it’s probably just a piece of forkin’ paper now could I please get on with-“

But A-Hole wasn’t having any of it. He put his nose to the ground and sniffed like a bloodhound until he found the piece of paper. He held it up in his claw with a delicacy I didn’t expect from a deinonychus, as though he were holding the most valuable diamond in the world. The moment I saw its’ yellowed paper, I recognized it instantly: a $500 dollar bill from Monopoly bill.

“Where’d you get this?” he asked

I took a breath, relieved my death by nutritious flower had been delayed.

“He, ya turd, I’m talkin’ to you!” he cried, slapping me on the side of the face “Where’d. You. Get. This?”

For a second my brain was in a trance. Back at home, I’d always been the dumb one, the one who everyone  except Mom thought was either gonna grow up to be either a dirty hobo or a shameless reality T.V. star. Possibly both. My mind reeled at having someone around who was actually dumber than me. And as I mentioned before, I’m also a Tostig, and if there’s one thing we Tostigs are good at, it’s seizing opportunities by the freakin’ horns!

“Real estate.” There it was, the ultimate blend of truth and lie, or as I like to call it, a tie.

“Sweet Porcelain God, kid! No wonder you- wait a minute! How do I know you ain’t fibbin’?”

F-Bomb, during this whole scene, was sharpening his claws with a nail file. “Maybe forkin’ ask what kind of bill it is, then!”

“Yeah, turdy! What bill is this?”

It was that moment I realized I should have had a backup plan. Not sure what I would have come up with, but it still would have been better than

“It’s a commemorative $500 dollar bill from the failed Philadelphia sesquicentennial exposition of 1926! Very rare! Almost none exist!”

I smiled, hoping they’d buy it like I would have bought Park Place.

Ten tense seconds passed as A-Hole sniffed the bill in places no piece of American currency should ever be sniffed.

“Alright, turd.” He said, holding up the bill. “Lucky for you, I happen to be a collector of all sorts a rare currencies, see? And I don’t know a single person in the Underworld who knows about this bill. So let’s make a deal, see?” He leaned in close, so close I worried he might chomp off my ear. His breath smelled like he hadn’t brushed since the late cretaceous, but in a deliberate way, like he was using some kind of prehistoric perfume.

“I’ll let you off the hook, see? All you gotta do is be a member of my gang for the rest of eternity. I’ll even give ya room and board free of charge, see? So whaddya say? We solid?”

I thought about my parents, still in the land of the living, waiting for me to come home from camp. Then I realized that, knowing Dad, he was probably using my action figures to open his beer bottles. And if my little brother had anything to say about it, they wouldn’t even notice I was gone. As much as I wanted to get home, I’d done goofed and crossed Shel Silverstein. It would take a while, but seeing as I was in hell, there was no harm in joining a gang for a little while, right?

“Sure, why not?”

A-Hole grinned, which was pretty creepy when you realized he didn’t have any lips. “Glad we could do business, kid.” He glared at F-Bomb and me. “But if either of you so much as say the letters of any of the words relating to this piece of moolah, there’ll be Hell to pay!”

“But Boss!” protested F-Bomb “We already live in forkin’-“

“I know what I said, dipschizzle! Sweet Porcelain God, do you realize how forkin’ hard it is to come up with good threats in this dump?! Everyone’s seen it all!”

A-Hole returned to his desk, taking in several breathfuls of smoke clogged air. Once he was calm again, he snapped his claws.

“Anyway, now let’s forkin’ do this. F-Bomb, get the knockout gas! We’re doing some reconstructive surgery!”

“Wait, wha-“

I didn’t even have time to finish before F-Bomb put what I can only describe as a satanic lobster dripping with some sort of liquid over my mouth. As I got woozy, I wondered if there was any type of insurance for falling unconscious, and if so, where I could get it.