#sometimes even i cant belive theyre not in love

[bassguitarinablackt-shirt]

Some Mathew x Alex snippets because oh boyyyy the brainrot is rotting

(Warning for mentions of blood, suicidal ideation, and general bodily harm? None of it actually happens Alex is just angsting)

He wants to tear himself apart until there's nothing left; he wants to bleed, he wants to scream, he wants to hurt; yet he wants to be numb, feel nothing at all even as he's being ripped limb from limb by the boy he trusted with the key to his heart.

Loving you is the only thing I ever did right, or maybe, even that too was wrong. Perhaps letting you into my life was the worst mistake I've ever made.

"You know, I could just walk out the door, leave, and never come back if I wanted to." Mathew said; staring at Alex, trying to decipher what's going on in his head.

"Then why don't you?" Alex replied; looking away from Mathew's gaze. He'd rather be anywhere else but here, anywhere where he's not forced to bear his heart and reveal the fears that embed themselves into his life so deeply, anywhere where he doesn't have to listen to Mathew's next words.

"Because I care, Alex. I care about you so much it hurts. I want to be your friend, I want to be with you, be there for you when you're hurt, be the one to make you smile."

@dancinginsepia @clearcloudlesssky @holdmyteaplease @the-chaotic-writer and anyone who sees this please give me feedback

[esosage]

I also think his like of robots is also partially because theyre easy for him to love.

Eggman has a very avoident attachment style. He wants connection (as seen with gerald,) but is always scared to get to close in fear of getting hurt. (Probobly from people leaving him in the past.) Like he wants to love and to be loved, he craves it desperetly, but he's just too scared to do so. Too scared of the rejection and the betrayal that sometimes comes with relationships to allow himself that bond, to allow someone to get that close. This, ontop of his inner self loathing, and how he views all relationships as transactional, leads him to become a self fuffilling profeccy. Like he wants someone to love him -> he finds someone that he belives tolerates him (they love him, he just doesnt think they do because he can only comprehend someone loveing him for his use to them, because he doesnt see how someone could love him otherwise) -> he starts warming up to them aswell -> oh no, theyre getting too close! Why are they getting to close? What are they getting out of this? They must be trying to hurt me. They wouldnt be getting this close otherwise. I have to push them away -> him snapping at them to get them to leave -> makes them hate him -> validates his sense of self hatred, in him thinking that hes unlovable -> now his walls are higher, and he refuses to let anyone get that close again -> somehow someone got that close again, and the cycle repeats with robotniks walls getting higher and higher until he tries to cut his humanity off entierly to stop himself from getting hurt.

Heres the thing though, that doesnt happen with his robots. And thats what makes them safe, and easy to love. He doesnt have to worry about being weak to them, because he knows they cant hurt him. He doesnt have to worry about them leaving him, because he himself programmed them to not do so. And essentially, they become one of the only thimgs he allows himself to love, essentially becomeing suroget pets/children/family to him.

And we see this in the third movie.

(Spoilers for 3rd movie btw.)

Once robotnik hears that someone has his badniks, he's furiouse! Livid even.

But once he finds them again, he's absolutely delighted. Relived even. He practically fawns over them, calling them his "eggy weggies." And thats another thing i noticed. His robots are the only things he uses pet names for, the only things he lets himself fawn over and SHOW care about. He even refers to himself as their "daddy," when talking to gerald. (Again going back to the thing of them being his surrogate family that he never had.)

Something that he doesnt do to anyone besides gerald! ( minuse the calling himself their "daddy" thing.)

Which, holy shit, gives me a realisation!

(Im going on a side tangent btw.)

The only times we see robotnik allow himself to have a meaningfull connection with someone, and actually show it, is with family!

Its with gerald, and the robots (which again, he constantly refers to as his children.)

But why? Why are they different?

Well its because, in robotniks view, family has what no other relationship can give him: unnconditional love. Thats why he isnt worried about gerald betraying him, when he normally would be! Thats why he allows himself to show affection in care! Because in his mind, family cant betray him, because they love him unconditionaly. Which in turn, implies that he didnt think anyone could love him like that before, because he didnt have any family to speak of. That because there was no family to give him that unnconditional love, then it was impossible for him to ever be loved, because noone could ever bring themselves to love him otherwise.

And honestly, it makes gerald betraying him even more heart breaking. And it makes the line: "oh ivo, your no maria," hit even harder. because for once in his life ivo thought he was finnally enough. And he just wasnt.

(For gerald at least.)

In other words, robotnik is every therapists worst nightmare.

Sorry for going on a tagent btw, i got carried away lol.

Ugh I explained this to Nat before but that was a vm and now I have to try to put it into text lol. Bear with me. Spoilers for Sonic 3 below...

So like Okay, original game Robotnik has that "machines are better than people and I love them and I hate people" thing going on. And movie universe Jimbotnik does the same thing right. Except his reasons for preferring machines are a little weird? To say the least.

When most people aspire to the perfection of the blessed machine they tend to focus on how machines are perfect because they aren't saddled with those pathetic human emotions, and how they're stronger and smarter and more perfect and all that. And like. There are elements of that with movie Robotnik don't get me wrong, he bullies Sonic for loving his friends, but we all know that's bullshit because his actual personality complex trauma thing stems entirely from being hurt that people don't like him? and nobody's ever genuinely cared about him enough to not betray/leave him, as we learned in movie 3. Daddy issues, et cetera.

The actual first reason he gives for why he prefers his robots, in movie 1, is that they do what they're told and they never need time off to go do stuff other than what they're told. What's worse is that he outright ignores the part about machines that don't line up with what he is. Machines are cold unfeeling things right? And Robotnik is a madman, just complete ditz entirely controlled by his emotions. He's all over the place. So obviously that isn't why he actually likes them. Nor does it seem to be because they're smarter or stronger.

Now all this wouldn't quite have clicked in my head and started forming a pattern, if I hadn't spent half a day getting ahold of reading the movie novelizations lol, they're not good exactly but they aren't bad either (not exactly) and they have this really interesting. Detail. Take. Choice, even, that stood out to me. In the novels we get exactly zero scenes written from Agent Stone's perspective. So he's entirely filtered through Robotnik as we see him. And, like. Robotnik ascribes? Robotic traits to him? That he straight up doesn't have?

This being the most infamous example... But it happens again at least once, which is a lot for the novels cus they're short as hell, where (from Botnik's pov) Stone takes on this more mechanical tone when talking to him or being around him, that he seems to like or prefer/speak positively of. Okay. Weird, homoerotic, but not entirely out of character.

It did make me think though. If Robotnik is kind of loose about why he actually likes machines. But is still adamant that they're good and humans are bad... And what he actually likes about them seems to be that they're... Loyal? I think. And they do what they're told. And they don't need time off to see their families and get laid and leave him alone I'm so sorry then. Well.

Those are traits a human being could very well have. For example, his actual human assistant, who's standing right fucking there as he says it. Right? Stone is still all that, he's loyal and he actually likes + is nice to him and he does what he's told and that's why he actually likes him, as we find out in movie 3, right? So.

What I'm saying is when. In the third movie when he says you were the only person who ever blah blah right. And, like, of course he was. Who would want to be loyal to? This dickhead who mostly wants to achieve world domination? Why would you want to do what a villain says? But Robotnik doesn't care about that, he likes being a villain and above that he's just hurt, right, by it all, and doesn't gaf if his own actions affect others so.

So he ascribes robotic traits to Stone not because they're actually there (Stone is professional when talking to others, but far from emotionless, and it is in fact his emotional connection to the dear doctor that makes him as loyal as he is) but. Rather because in his mind, Stone is on the same level as a robot, because he has the same traits that Robotnik actually. Likes about his robots. That mainly being loyalty, I think.

And, well. In the third movie granpappy Geralt hacks those robots of his and makes them stop obeying him, doesn't he. Not even they were entirely loyal by the end, much like Geralt himself, right?

You can't hack a human being, though.

Anyway. Keep your heads up, okay? I'm like. 99% sure Robotnik is fine (fight me in the comments I guess) and I tend to be good at predicting this stuff so he'll be back one way or another. Jim Carrey officially un-retired, the space station time travel thing is still an active theory, and they can't just fucking kill Eggman guys, come on. Cheers!🥂

[olderthannetfic]

[Is the end nigh anon]

I never actually got around to trying discord until recently, mostly because i had a feeling it wouldnt work for me. But then i saw that post of yours about the emergence of ao3 and went to #8(/#9 im sorry)’s blog and found all these guides to set up your own site, encouraging you to learn html and lean into the small web. And ive started trying to learn, but in the meantime i figured id give discord a try as well, since that seems pretty similar to the closed groups of LJ and ye ol internet even before.

And boy oh boy is it not for me. Maybe i just stumbled upon the wrong places but… theres always this “in” feel to them, which of course there would be, theyre basically huge whatsapp groupchats, but with people i dont know. I barely have the energy to be active on groupchats with friends i know and love and know irl and have a history with, i definitely cant be active enough to remain “in the know” in a discord server. This duscussion thread format requires so much energy, and im more of a lurker. I send asks and add onto my reblogs sometimes and stuff like that, but definitely am not in any circles where fandom is conducted privately and nor would i have the energy to be.

Having to use that kind of format as main fandom-format would take it out of me so badly… i understand that with users being the products and the constant exposure, it does seem natural to seek out more closed private places. But i honestly feel discord is not the place for it, at least to me. Everything moves way too fast and the cliques are the last nail for me. If i was interested in social hierarchy i wouldve stayed on instagram. The fact that tumblr is as anonymous as you want it to be and has no follower/likes chasing is the main reason why i love it (besides the familiarity and everything). I understand this is not everyone’s experience, but my dash is curated to death, i never see any bullshit, so to me this space does feel intimate and cozy as well (i guess without chatrooms, but i dont really feel that loss) and im a strong beliver in blocking.

I feel like discord is too careless and borne of modern understanding of internet social spaces, if that makes sense. I feel like closed, more private formats of interacting with fandom would also require more “care”? For example, having your own site, maintaining it, modifing it, lovingly adding to the content, the layout, eveything, theres this “tending to” vibe, which i feel encourages bringing in this vibe into fandom interactions themselves, as opposed to the fast, impossible to catch up with, catty or careless vibe of discord. Yea, the internet goes at breakneck speed and were just along for the ride, but at least in a public space like tumblr that feels manageable.

I do think that to thrive fandom requires being able to take a break without having to suffer the cost of being left behind. And sure, i guess that would work if your server is with people youre friends with, but how often does that happen and how lucky would you have to be.

Feel free to take any and all of my run on sentances as questions, this ended up being ranty.

--

I don't think it's entirely luck, but yes, making discord not be like what you describe does require a very particular kind of group and management.

The biggest thing I've seen, historically, in platform changes is that the people who make spaces or who are the sparkly, obvious people other people trail behind are fine. They go make a new place.

But the rest of the population may or may not be able to follow. It's not always exclusion from a private discord or anything. Often, it's more like the LJ-->Tumblr move. A lot of people were left behind because it's simply too visual here.

Different formats appeal to different types. I've come to enjoy tumblr, but it was quite unpleasant at first.

One reality of fandom is that there is always social hierarchy. People have asked me "Why do you reblog so-and-so so much???" and the answer is generally two things: 1. that person literally sends me their posts (which requires a certain level of bravery or chutzpah) and/or 2. I know them (from cons, from LJ in 2005, from them sending me private chat messages a lot, from them being highly visibly active like I am over a long period of time, etc.). The times we think there isn't social hierarchy are when either we are the one in the clique or those invisible ties between other users are not perceptible.

But scratch the surface--by having to move platforms, for example--and all kinds of social connections and fault lines will show.

[stringyworm]

I posted 2,448 times in 2022

75 posts created (3%)

2,373 posts reblogged (97%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@transsexualhamlet~

@monzterzack~

@patchyegg87~

@somethingexcessivelyphallic~

@bamsara~

I tagged 524 of my posts in 2022

#thats him!!! thats my babygirl - 85 posts

#pgra2am - 74 posts

#save - 37 posts

#twisted wonderland - 11 posts

#woooaaagggh *eats ur art* - 11 posts

#pgra2am but art - 9 posts

#pinned posts - 7 posts

#me - 6 posts

#art - 6 posts

#ao3 - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#way for him idk what to do because ive never and can’t love anyone that way but i still love him and he’s my closest relationship i’ve had

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Ayyyeeee more!!! This time everyones fave octotrio

The whole time drawing floyd i was kust 😳😳😳😳

I want to touch azuls hair so bad. Playing eith hair is my love language and oh my god azuls hair is just!!!!!

The hand on jade makes me want to stab a hand and perserve it so i cja use it for reference. Its too big for his face :( but i mean yk what they say big hands ;)

10 notes - Posted October 11, 2022

#4

Holy shit its saiki’s birthday today?

Cant belive i was almost late to my fav comfort charcters birthday

12 notes - Posted August 16, 2022

#3

Diasomnia gang

I…I gave up on sebek dont even ask

But i like how they look!!!! Theyre cute

14 notes - Posted December 2, 2022

#2

i wanna see roro fucking overblot

16 notes - Posted November 7, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Ok hold on…

Listen. Enma Yuuken. I know hes the mc insert just for the comics and everythings about readerxcanon but please!!!! Hear me out.

You know the little windmill in the top corner. Theres a house next to it. Imagine. Youre the groundkeeper of the school. You take care of the campus when schools out and clean mostly everything and are essentially the school janitor. I have like a fully whole thing in my brain thats been stewing for months because i refuse to be isekaid to another world with magic only to go to school again. Id rather be the janitor honestly i already do that alot. But like my oc (who lets be real is really just my self insert so their personality is my personality) lives in the house near the windmill.

Youre a resident of the twisted wonderland world so you have some magic. Been living on campus and keeping it for 5 years (cooncidentally the same amount of time as leona has been a student) when this guy just appears at school (were going by comics events). But crowley asks you to house him for a bit and you have to agree hes ur boss. (Then the prologue happens and he gets moved to ramshackle as an offical student with an official dorm)

And enma is a stronghearted guy with strong morals. He seems like the type of guy to be duty bound. He was originally supposed to help you with cleaning around the school but was taken off the task. But he still goes back to help you when he has free time…

I am down abysmally for a carefee life where i have a place i can live on my own surrounded by grass and trees and animals and that guy who comes occasianlly to help with work and taste test cake i make myself sometimes.

42 notes - Posted August 27, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[cattles-bians]

Damie Vibecca exes AU part 4

post directory

[em note: this one is LONG i had to split it!!!]

obsetress: deflecting to viola protecting becs

obsetress: once they are dating

obsetress: and thinkin thoughts

em: viola asks rebecca if she wants to put a hit out on peter and rebestiecca is like????

em: that’s hot but

em: u can do that? also maybe don’t. but mostly that’s hot

obsetress: i was literally gonna say peter is still her ex and he's a persistent fucker even though it's been a year at least and viola's response is... not far off from canon!

obsetress: becca just stares at her for a minute and then she's cupping viola's cheek and murmuring "come here" and pulling her down

obsetress: they're like kissing or whatever and rebecca's murmuring "that was hot, you know" between kisses and viola's like "oh?" and becca's like "don't be cheeky, you know it was" and vi just grins against her mouth

em: I’m Really Invested In This Crack Ship

obsetress: ok but rebecca tells jamie and dani about vi offering to put a hit on peter and they're both understandably and reasonably aghast and rebecca's just like (takes a sip of wine, ducks head, smiles to self) i think it's sweet

obsetress: dani and jamie look at each other out of the corners of their eyes

obsetress: (later, dani agrees how absolutely out of line it is but also admits that it sure does feel nice to be so taken care of sometimes)

obsetress: (jamie throws a pillow at her)

obsetress: also thinking about secret soft vibecca are sometimes and how horrified dani and jamie are the first time they see it with their own eyes

em: jamie and dani excessive PDA queens get a taste of their own medicine

em: it’s so funny that i’m like. always on the verge of viola horny posting but as soon as it’s vibecca i’m like look at these babies. these beautiful babies

obsetress: viola and rebecca kissing one (1) time at brunch and jamie, arm slung around dani’s shoulders, is like “oi, no one wants to see that” and dani, leaning into jamie, one hand in her lap, crinkles her nose and rebecca’s like “y— you’re kidding, right?”

obsetress: also like. we talk a lot about what vi does for rebecca but also like

obsetress: vi massive abandonment issues and rebecca just

obsetress: she just stays

em: ur gonna Kill me here lies em

obsetress: i know i didn’t mean to and then i just

obsetress: i can’t think too hard abt them or i will Melt Down but just like

em: look if rebecca can see the best in someone as awful as peter

em: viola isnt nearly as terrible

obsetress: esp vi post dani like

obsetress: she’s obnoxious and haughty and neoliberal but

obsetress: radical love goes a long way!

obsetress: rebecca grounding her thru touch and rebecca slipping her hands around vi’s and easing them loose when vi’s hands start to clench and rebecca just pressing a kiss to viola’s temple and murmuring “i’m here, yeah? with you. not going anywhere”

em: like i just think after eddie dani wouldnt like, just go w the flw any more. like i think abt her challenging viola occasionally

em: lovingly! gently

but like, holding her accountable

em: also violas absolutely little spoon

em: like i know blah blah viola top rebecca top leaning switch but viola little spoon

obsetress: “actually viola” (vi always knows she’s in trouble when dani calls her viola) “that was really hurtful” “i’m sorry you feel that way, dani, but—“ “i don’t need you to be sorry for how i feel. i need you to show me you’re sorry for what you did”

em: dani calls vi the Full Name and viola knows shes in trouble bc thats at least 4 extra vowels w danis midwest accent

em: it is always v surprising how much like, working w kids equips you to work w adults. b/c at least w kids you dont have layers and layers of social nuance to work through. u can just say 'hey. that was hurtful and your apology sucks'

obsetress: meanwhile dani’s over here trying to explain to vi intent vs impact and how no, it’s not semantics or nuance, it’s actually kind of a chasm

em: i kind of love like um. look viola is terrible but she wasnt born terrible

obsetress: she just has a lot to unlearn

em: and id belive that even if i wasnt a ghostfucker thats just rogers theory of self actualisation babyeee

obsetress: dani viola big fight n dani's like

obsetress: "i'm sorry and i love you but it's not my job to fix you, vi" and she just breaks down and she's like "it's not"

obsetress: jesus why did my brain take THAT turn

em: wrow

em: its ok i was gonna be like 'so they obvs break up at some point....'

obsetress: anyway viola just stares at her for a second and then she's like "you put the 'i'm sorry' before the 'i love you'"

obsetress: and dani just stares at her for a long time and she's like "yeah. i guess i did"

em: HANNAH

em: BESTIE

obsetress: i KNOW what the FUCK

obsetress: anyway dani's like "i guess i did" and vi's like "is that it then?" and dani just looks at her with her puffy eyes and is like "i think so"

obsetress: dani clayton queen of saying "i love you" over and over in the midst of breaking up w someone

em: well! she has a lot of love to give but, she also has to love herself sometimes!

em: i was thinking abt scenarios n i just remembered that. whole video rental shop thing so i think that slots in nicely

[em edit: u can read here]

obsetress: god i love that lil scene

em: dani sends viola a tentative little meme peace offering and they get back to talking and its nice but maybe a bit awkward and viola mentions like, going to therapy and seeing someone for help n its

obsetress: vi's stewing on "i can't fix you" for weeks and then she's begrudgingly. BEGRUDGINGLY calling a therapist

em: like its still awkward and dani is still nursing some wounds but she can ALSO be happy for someone she used to care about

em: still cares about!

obsetress: she's always gonna love her in some way or another

obsetress: but yeah also like. smth to viola being too stubborn to do anything she doesn't wanna do except suddenly when dani clayton gets involved and that feels p canon in its own way too

em: 'i cant fix u' weird bc every time i see viola im like 'i can fix her'

obsetress: it's like ur in my head bestie

em: how do u think viola and rebestiecca met

em: not that u think abt it or anything

obsetress: MAN i was just thnking

obsetress: in this universe how did dani and jamie meet but i guess it can still just be bly tbh

obsetress: as for vi and bestiecca hmmm

em: am so caught up in the joy of fucked up interpersnal dynamics i forgot a meet cute

obsetress: honestly part of me wants to be like

obsetress: on some dating app but a dating app for posh people yk

obsetress: but then i'm like

obsetress: that takes all the meet cute fun out of it

obsetress: oh GOD

obsetress: i got it

obsetress: ready

obsetress: so like viola landlord we know this

obsetress: and then i was watching whatever ep three the other day and bex mentions wanting to do public law right

em: oooooh

obsetress: bex public housing attorney

em: OOH

obsetress: they meet at some conference

obsetress: hit it off prob fuck lbr

obsetress: and then

obsetress: comedy of errors

obsetress: whoever stays the night, they sleep together again in the morning, breakfast in bed, bex is like "so what do you do, anyway"

em: hjgbjshmdnfbmngbmhnbgs,hndg m,shndgds

em: YES

obsetress: and then they just

em: WHEEZES

obsetress: also i like to think rebecca invites vi back to her hotel room and vi is so charmed by her taking charge ("""taking charge""") that she lets her

obsetress: and then like

obsetress: god for a while what if they just like

obsetress: they're so mortified and morally and fundamentally at odds but like

obsetress: the sex is so good???????

obsetress: that they keep just meeting up and then

em: romeo and juliet situation

obsetress: yk how it goes

obsetress: the sex is good and they see each other as like

em: thats so fucking good thank u hannah

obsetress: super rare intellectual equals whatever

obsetress: thank u i am exceedingly proud rn

obsetress: honestly at this point i'm

obsetress: rebecca and vi uhaul change my mind

obsetress: like not too quick because isabel but, quick enough to be considered

em: so the joke is like. obviously 'extremely pda damie' but when rebecca and vi are alone they Also cannot get their hands off each other

obsetress: they both just. worry about appearances too much meanwhile

obsetress: tweedle dee and tweedle dum in the overalls and mom jeans dgaf

em: accidentally seeing ur friends compromised is just part of the package of being friends w damie. however jamie accidentally catches vibecca in the act and shes Horrified

em: hypocrits

em: danis like yeah what do u. think theyre doing

em: dani is nonchallant bc shes dated viola of all people

obsetress: i mean could you imagine

obsetress: between vi and dani's just

obsetress: insatiable libido

em: HADNT IMAGINED UNTIL NOW BUT YEAH

obsetress: dani, very seriously: jamie, when two women love each other––

em: dani likes dating jamie bc it means she can top occasionally :) maybe even more than occasionally

em: jamies like ooh my god i knw i know how are u so casual about... rebecca... and ... viola... (dani just pulls her in fr a smooch)

obsetress: they have each other's clothes half off and dani's like "i'm so casual because i dated her too, babe" and jamie's like "can we not have this conversation right n"

obsetress: also i still have this on my clipboard from earlier we bopped around so fast but

obsetress: vi and bex hooking up early on:

obsetress: rebecca knocks on vi's door at, like, 6:00 pm after work, vi opens it, rebecca just grabs her and kisses her, vi pulls her in, becca kicks it closed behind her, vi shoves her against the door and they're kissing against it, then vi's ducking her head to kiss along rebecca's neck and rebecca's like "how many people did you evict today" as she angles her head and then viola's finding her lips again and tugging at her lower lip with her teeth "probably not as many landlords as you shortchanged today" and rebecca's laughing and pushing her backwards down the hall as viola tugs at her blouse

em: GOD. viola is probably like

em: ok, disclaimer: fuck all landlords

em: but at least in this fantasy world perhaps viola is 'fairly' 'reasonable' n shes absolutely playing it up for the hate sex angle n rebecca Maybe Assumes shes lying but

em: stupid morons in love

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: i think i've mentioned this before but like

obsetress: now that it's more fleshed out

obsetress: then they're at drinks one night (and when did it go from just sex to drinks? neither of them could tell you) and viola's kinda quiet n moody (n rebecca already knows she Gets Like This sometimes and that she'll usually say whatever she's thinking eventually) and finally she's like

obsetress: "i have... a daughter" and rebecca's just like "tell me about her" like it's the easiest thing in the world

obsetress: and viola's head snaps over and she stares because she was.... not expecting that

obsetress: and so viola does

obsetress: and rebecca's just like "i'd love to meet her one day"

em: soft.....

obsetress: they always turn back to soft

obsetress: like they have a fuckin mind of their own

em: rapidly oscillate between horny and soft

obsetress: that's the mood

em: violas probably like. yknow, rebecca's young and up and cming n she probably assumes rebesticca isnt interested as something as full on as a kid but shes like 'do you have any photos'

obsetress: fuck!!!!!!!!!

em: rebeccas like do u think i didnt. see the photos at ur apartment lmao

em: theres a childs drawing on the fridge

obsetress: rebecca has known almost from the jump but was

obsetress: giving viola her time

obsetress: also smth smth giving her time instead of time wearing her away etc etc we're all in hell

em: cracks knuckles

em: bestie....

obsetress: pls

obsetress: it's what i deserve

obsetress: first tho

obsetress: consider

obsetress: the way viola's face lights up when she's talking about isabel and showing rebecca all the pictures

obsetress: hold pls

em: soft......

obsetress: this one chief

obsetress: right here

[daisydukes68-blog]

The Arcana main 6, really tired days. 😴😴😴

We all have those very tired days, and we do tend to act different towards our lovers (unlike me don't have one sksksk, just really cranky). But how would the main 6 act upon the apprentice???

Asra🔮🔮🔮-

Asra. A hard working dude. Most likely the reason they would be tired is because he had to go to a magical relm to find herbs that took days to find. He never realized it was night due to the fact it's always day in that realm.

Okay so, they seems sluggish. When they gets home, theyre so happy to see the apprentice, they hug them so tight.

However, you noticed after minutes they slowly starts to doze off. "Asra?" You ask.

They suddenly catches himself, rubs their eyes, "hahaha... sorry..." and offers to make tea to tell you about their trip

When yall both start drinking, Asra gets close to you, and slowly lays their head on your shoulder.

You don't mind of course and continues to drink some tea.

Then slowly, they hold your arm and snuggles they cheek on you.

You smile and let sleepy Asra lay on your lap and play with their fluffy hair.

He mumbles in his sleep your name softly. Rubs his soft hands around your legs.

Then after a while, you get up and lay him on the couch. Kiss him on his cheek, and lays a blanket on them.

"Sweet dreams Asra"~♡

Not long after, you head to sleep yourself. When morning comes, you find yourself in Asras arms. Tugging you softly and closer to them.

Nadia👑👑👑-

An elegant lady must always do her duties in the palace, even if she must lose hours of sleep. She does try whenever she can to relax with you. Have great times of excitement.

But today, she seems very worn out.

As you comeback too the palace, you find Nadia leaving the library. Before you say hi, you see her rubing the sides of her head from stress and headaches.

You find her also taking a long yawn of being drowsy.

She spots you, hides all that away and waves to you.

You walk to her and you rub her cheek softly. She relaxes and lays her fully cheek on your hand. Almost falling asleep.

"I belive i should go off to slumber due to my duties being accomplished. Won't you join me MC?"

Thus y'all both go to her bedroom. As your in the restroom washing your face from a long day of work, you come back to find Nadia already asleep.

She's not even under the covers, dress is still on including her make up. Her hair is still up as well.

You slightly giggle on how adorable she looks. You go to her and help her to her night gown. She doesn't mind due to the fact you have seen her naked multiple times hehe. Then you tuck her in slowly and rub her head.

Soon when you lay down next to her, she scoots very closer to you and with her graceful hand, she touches your bottom lip softly with her thumb.

She still is drowsy, but milligrams of energy is there. She uses it to softly kiss your lips, her hand on the side of your face, the other rubbing your chest.

Then she whispers, "thank you my dear mc," and slowly falls asleep holding your hand.

Julian🍺🍺🍺-

After all night research being done for plague diseases, Julian frequently yawns from exhaustion.

He doesn't stop until you and Mazelinka literally pull him from his studies. He's very very tired but he won't admit it. "Im fine, im fine! Honestly!!!"

But Mazelinka tells me to lay him down. And if he resists to sit on him or knock him out. Julian acts like he doesn't want to go but doesn't protest me from taking him.

When we go down to his bed, he is already very delirious. "Hehe, you're so cute mc," he'll mumble.

He just lays on the bed. "Julian, you can't sleep in your doctors uniform," you remind, "it will get all wrinkly."

He just looks at you.

"Then take it off for me," he smirks.

He is not serious.

Nope, he is.

You playfully roll your eyes and gets on the bed with him. You slowly unbutton his shirt, revealing his firm chest. You slowly kiss his collar bone and starts to bite down.

He blushes, "m-my dear..." is all he can spit out. You bite hard and leave a mark on him.

He bites his lip and is all flustered with desire as you remove more clothing and digs your nails on his shoulders. Until he yawns.

You giggle, and get under the covers with him. He blushes from embarrassment, "I, uh, I suppose i turned off the mood didn't I?"

Then he has his smirk on his face. "Ah well, i suppose we can continue tomorrow."

You smile and you cuddle him from behind. He kisses your hand, "have a lovely slumber mc~♡" and goes off to sleep. You smile, "goodnight Julian."

Muriel⛰⛰⛰-

Mr. Moutain man does a lot of hunting and protects the forrest. And ever since you started living with him, he doesn't sleep at night, worrying if your okay.

One day he is very very wearie and drained from exhaustion. You know he's being odd due to the fact he keeps bumping into things.

"I'm fine," he mumbles. Until he hits his head on a branch. You can't help but to giggle.

You notice the sun going down. "Muri, it's getting late," you inform. He only goes in the hut with you thinking you are tired. But really, you want him to rest instead.

he unpacks the food and feeds the chickens, he goes inside, with dark circles in his eyes.

He's surprised though, when he sees you helping him take off his cloak and boots. He blushes hard and stops you from stripping him down completely.

"W-What are y-you doing?!?!" He mumbles a lil high pitch. You can't help but to smile again. "I just want you to be comfortable. You're sleeping with me tonight."

He blushes super hard but tries to put on a grumpy face. "No im not," he softly says and tries to go anywear else to not face his flusterdness.

"But please Muri," you say softly, "i need someone to help me, i can't sleep fully at night."

Which isn't totally a lie. You sometimes can't sleep knowing he's out there working hard.

He turns to you, "...fine" he says. You smile big and hug him. You can feel his heart pounding and all he does is just pat your head.

When you both lay on the bed, you scoot up to where your slightly more up then him. You look down on him and slowly corress his hair out of his face.

"...what are you doing?" he asks, but doesn't stop you.

"Shhhh." You kiss his forehead softly. Muriel relaxes and feels protected by you. He slowly falls asleep.

Then out of nowhere you feel him grab you softly, and lays you on top of him. Your his lil blanket ~♡

Usually he's shy about this sort of stuff, but he's snoring softly. It seems he's more cuddly in his sleep.

You can't help but to kiss his lips softly. And lay your head on his pecks. Then soon, he's the one corressing your hair.

Y'all both have a wonderful full nights rest.

Portia😽😽😽-

Of course we all know Portia is the most energetic of all of the main 6. However she's been doing a lot of duties for the countess and has been awfully sleepy.

Nadia sees her passed out on the floor next to Mercedes and Melchior. She slowly wakes her up and insits she takes a day off.

In the garden, you use magic to help keep the plants healthy. When you see Portia coming, you smile and greet her. But you notice her hair is a lil frizzy and her eyes are heavy.

You ask if she's okay.

"Pfff, what me? Oh don't worry mc, im fine!"

"Just a long day of work i suppose..."

You realize she hadn't went back home last night. You just assumed she came home after you slept and left early this morning.

Portia rubs her eyes. "Mmm... don't worry mc." She smiles, "i have brought some bread for the both of us from the palace. Shall we eat?"

You both sit outdoors and enjoyed the comfort of the soft grass around y'all.

Y'all both hear something rattaling until you see Pepi pop out to greet Portia.

She giggles, "Ah Pepi!!! How's my sweet kitty doing?" Pepi meows and purrs on Portias lap. You can see the drowsyness in her eyes. Then she slowly lays down of the comfort of the grass.

You lay down with her, and she starts to cuddles you away tight. She gives you cute kisses on your cheek. She seems a lil hyper flirty.

"I love you mc" she says giggly. You smile big. "I love you more Portia."

Her eyes lit up and giggles. "Nuh-uh, i love you more!" Y'all both get playful and debate who loves each other more.

"Well... i love you... a trillion times... more..." she passes out. You smile, "you win."

Lucio🐐🐐🐐-

Lucio. Probably is most likely tired from being glamorous. No but seriously, one day he stayed up all night from sword practice with Morga.

When he comes back, he's exhausted. But when he sees you, he just has to show you all that he has learned!

He air attacks and defends while saying, "BACK YOU FOWL BEAST!" or "HAHA, I WON'T LET YOU LAY A HAND ON MC!" You clap and cheer along, "Go Lucio!!!"

Before he makes his "final" move he yawns loud as his eyes gets watery.

"Don't think this is over!" He says. He acts like he stabs the opponent but yawns once more.

You can't help but tease. "Tired already Lucio?" "What?! ME?! Tired?! Ha! Unlikely." But he continues to yawn once more. This time rubbing his eyes.

You get up to comfort him. And bring him to bed. He seems so sluggish despite the show of his.

As he sits on the bed, he pulls you towards him, laying you on his lap.

"Lucio!" You exclaimed, but he just lays his forehead on your chest. He's very drowsy. He smirks at you. "Couldn't help it, but i needed something to lay on."

He realises you. But holds onto your arm, bringing you onto his bed.

"Mc, my sweet lover, please, you seem so... so delicious." He brings you closer, snuggling his chin on your shoulder.

"You smell so so good..." he continues, sniffing your neck softly. Soon nibbling your ear lobe. You just stay there, breathing heavily.

Soon he lays down, you on his side, as he just cuddles you tight, slowly kissing your chin up to your cheek.

You softly kiss his forehead, until you hear him snore loud.

You just pause there for a moment...

....

Then cant help but to laugh.

You both fall asleep together.

Request are still open!!!! Hope y'all enjoyed!!!

[sgnjongin]

all the texts~~

😟 a worried text-

[ jolie fille –> ] did u get my text last night??[ jolie fille –> ] u havent answered[ jolie fille –> ] yoori gdi fucking answer me its important i gotta know if ur coming tonight or if im gonna be able to actually have some fun[ jolie fille –> ] YOORI

🤡 a goofy text-

[ jolie fille –> ] just a thought but like[ jolie fille –> ] what if we made[ jolie fille –> ] like a suicide pact lol[ jolie fille –> ] u can go first

💖 a loving text-

[ jolie fille –> ] u handled that convo with mr baldy well, nice diplomacy[ jolie fille –> ] i was just gonna punch him in his pretty gold suit[ jolie fille –> ] what a fucktard[ jolie fille –> ] poor doesnt mean stupid what the fuck planet is he on

🤐 an awkward text-

[ jolie fille –> ] this is a bit far fetched but,,,,,,[ jolie fille –> ] did i leave my pants over in the hallway outside ur door??[ jolie fille –> ] can u check for me

💤 a half-asleep text-

[ jolie fille –> ] did u survive ur walk back from the library[ jolie fille –> ] did the ghosts get u[ jolie fille –> ] no????[ jolie fille –> ] see i told u shits not real dumbass

😊 a happy text-

[ jolie fille –> ] my mother just called to let us know that dinner tonight will be canceled, no need to show up[ jolie fille –> ] ur free for another couple of hours at least[ jolie fille –> ] and so am i

🤔 a nonsensical text-

[ jolie fille –> ] did u know the chemical they used to make teflon steel is now found in the blood of every single human on the fucking planet?????[ jolie fille –> ] like wtf[ jolie fille –> ] this some hiroshima shit fuck america honestly

🙏 an apologetic text-

[ jolie fille –> ] i’m sorry i was late getting back to the room ok i didnt know u were alone in here with my father did he do something to you did he touch you[ jolie fille –> ] i got distracted i didnt realize[ jolie fille –> ] yoori i see u looking at ur phone, fucking answer me

❎ a text meant for someone else-

[ jolie fille –> ] {attachment opened: dick pic}[ jolie fille –> ] oops that wasn’t meant for u[ jolie fille –> ] that’s for my ~~~~~mistress~~~~~ lol

🕰️ an early morning text-

[ jolie fille –> ] if ur getting coffee, pick me up one too[ jolie fille –> ] just do it i’ll pay u[ jolie fille –> ] isn’t that all u want anyway???? money?????

🌑 a late night text-

[ jolie fille –> ] why are u texting me from 2 rooms away we are literally 2 rooms away yoori[ jolie fille –> ] I’M NOT ABANDONING U IN A HAUNTED HOUSE IM LITERALLY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HALLWAY WTF

🥴 a drunk text-

[ jolie fille –> ] youve ee ruinedd everything[ jolie fille –> ] everythtuing[ jolie fille –> ] myy hwole life what why do u think im  fuckcign ilike tis yoori[ jolie fille –> ] becausee of u[ jolie fille –> ] u bithc

🗑️ a text that wasn’t sent-

[ jolie fille –> ] i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate the way you hate me i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you[ jolie fille –> ] one of these days he’s gonna try to make me kill you[ jolie fille –> ] what will i do then[ jolie fille –> ] what would you look like with my hands around that pretty porcelain neck?

👀 a dirty text-

[ jolie fille –> ] idk u look like the kind of girl who likes getting her hair pulled[ jolie fille –> ] if u weren’t such a fucking virgin tho ofc[ jolie fille –> ] like even if ur not a virgin, you put out Strong Virgin Vibes, it messes with my zen honestly[ jolie fille –> ] if u begged nicely enough i could help u with that tho

⚠️ a scared text-

[ jolie fille –> ] can u phone my mom[ jolie fille –> ] she’s not answering me[ jolie fille –> ] maybe she’ll answer u[ jolie fille –> ] i just need her to pick up[ jolie fille –> ] she doesn’t usually not have her phone, u know how she gets[ jolie fille –> ] and i know how my father can get[ jolie fille –> ] with her[ jolie fille –> ] sometimes[ jolie fille –> ] just fucking call her[ jolie fille –> ] now

🚨 an urgent text-

[ jolie fille –> ] do me a solid and turn in my chem homework, its on my desk, clearly marked, dokki is probs sitting on it[ jolie fille –> ] cant do it myself, family emergency

👯‍♀️ a supportive text-

[ jolie fille –> ] look i know ur studying for ur exam tonight so i took the liberty of filling up ur room with clocks![ jolie fille –> ] alarm clocks[ jolie fille –> ] 256 of them ticking~~~~[ jolie fille –> ] so you can find the time~~~~[ jolie fille –> ] to get a fucking life~~~~[ jolie fille –> ] at least u wont miss ur exam[ jolie fille –> ] ur welcome

🔪 a hateful text-

[ jolie fille –> ] you think im weak but at least i wouldnt sell my soul and my pride to the devil for some fucking social standing[ jolie fille –> ] you would never get anywhere on your own without me[ jolie fille –> ] you think you’re so clean but your family sold you to us and you agreed to it, youre still fitting yourself into this role[ jolie fille –> ] i was born here, i dont have a choice, but you? you fucking chose this[ jolie fille –> ] what a gold-digging slut you are[ jolie fille –> ] you and my father deserve each other

😢 a sad text-

[ jolie fille –> ] all these pictures theyre taking of us…..[ jolie fille –> ] i cant belive im here looking like a whole snack and u look like the trash the maid just took out[ jolie fille –> ] all these pics are gonna have to be burned, im so sad

😡 an angry text-

[ jolie fille –> ] WHY ARE U TELLING KAI TO DITCH ME[ jolie fille –> ] HE TOLD ME WHAT U SAID WTF[ jolie fille –> ] MY SON WOULD NEVER LEAVE ME HE’S LOYAL UNLIKE SOME BITCHES OUT HERE

👋 a goodbye text-

[ jolie fille –> ] i doubt we have to spend the holidays together[ jolie fille –> ] so glad i won’t have to hear ur whiny-ass voice for a full couple of weeks it’s gonna be GLORIOUS

🔎 a revealing text-

[ jolie fille –> ] do u remember when we first met??[ jolie fille –> ] i doubt u remember it the way i remember it

❓ for me to choose randomly- 😡 an angry text-

[ jolie fille –> ] put a fucking leash on ur family[ jolie fille –> ] they’re fucking embarrassing themselves[ jolie fille –> ] like apes[ jolie fille –> ] u ppl wouldnt know decorum or class if they hit u in the face

[destielshippingnews]

@imnotofuckingkay20 Exactly! But we're just turds living in Dean's butt, so what do we know XD

#parental mindest#not to hate on sam of couse#he's had his reasons and deep trauma issues. i couldn't blame him if i tried.#the characters on this show qre extremely complex and we cant sort them in boxes of good evil#dean is no angel. he's done EXTREMELY questionable things. most which can be explained by understanding who he is and what he has gone thru#same with sam#but the thing that ive figured out is that dean is quite dependent on sam and has made bad choices because of that BUT#he also has that or so to speak and tries to do what would be good for sam. but he's a bit (extremely) misguided there#which we can blame on how his own childhood was. and what was practically drilled into him for the majority of his life#all of dean's questionable decisions are made on this basis. they aren't for the better good or whatever#they are the decisions which will keep his loved ones or more specifically sam safe. and i cant blame him for that seeing the way john was#this also applies to cas situations#dean constantly does what he does with cas because he has a very clear mindset#its not even internalized homophobia its just he KNOWS (thinks) that nobody would willingly want to love him/be his friend etc#which is basically confirmed by sam sometimes#but of course sam is looking out for himself and being rational (maybe) and i cant blame him#anyway that's why dean is the way he is with cas. he belives that it cant be possible for a person to like the real him unless they HAVE TO#like john had to because he was dean's father. sam has to put up with him because theyre brothers.#does any of this make sense?

dean surrendering any and all autonomy to his father for the first twenty seven years of his life & dean being insulted when sam feels betrayed that his boundaries are ignored. dean damning himself for his brother and expecting sam to view it as a gift. dean who half-hates his mother for her decision to break off on her own. dean believing that the self is an affront to family. 

[not-tryin-2-have-a-debate]

part 2 poetic waxing

i keep getting really mad at my ex the second i realize i was thinking something thats not real

because to the best of my knowledge she read this blog and heard me talk about my expiriences for so long and then she,,,,completely misunderstood them and tried to replicate them in a way that doesnt. make sense. and isnt what this is. and im still hoenstly really offended by that because wow. and i just wanna say like. especially since this blog is pretty much entirely Unseen now

like

im still terrified to recognize myself as psychotic

i dont want to be psychotic

im afraid to talk about it with my doctor or even touch on the symptoms and eps of it and im terrified to get put on pills for it and its a shit show

i think with the people im closest to i try to normalize the idea of being that way with myself

and i pretend the idea of being psychotic doesnt terrify me and say it freely because its not going away and im scared and i need to learn to not be so scared if im going to deal with it in any capacity i need to be able to recognize it

it was a long process.

i didnt start being that way overnight and i didnt recognize it until way after it started

and its not just 1 thing

to me the embodiment of it and the whole problem is that youre just constantly trying to figure out whats real and whats going on like your being hit on all sides

id describe my perception of and ability to perceive reality as a wall thats always being eroded down but can also have parts break off or have holes blown in it at any second...and im constantly trying to build the wall back up and reinforce it and repair it. but i usually dont have a fully formed wall and even if i got there id only be able to maintain it for so long until half of it got blown up again. etc etc wall metaphor if i leave it itll just fuckin collapse entirely

but yeah yknow like.

a delusion isnt just ‘when you think something that isn’t real.’

and like not to dip a bit too much into tumblr vocab and context or whatever but like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the way Neurotypicals take symptom descriptions at total face value is...tiring. idk how else to describe it. theres so much context missing.

these symptoms for me started up when i was a kid and got worse.

it was because i have so much family history with this shit that i finally noticed it and compared and recognized the beginning to get worse problem

because ive seen it in my brother and my uncle and my grandma and my family for years and i know it up close and personally

i dont just have some kind of kooky thoughts that i recognize arent real while im having them. my ability to do that at all came with practice and time and repitition.

i dont know when im not dreaming.i see and feel things that arent there.

i think thoughts that i cant recognize as mine and are usually a bunch of nonsense word salad shit.

i have real prolonged trouble recognizing myself as a human being thats physical and has human limits.

i have toruble percieving the present. i have trouble remembering the past.

i constantly really for real feel like ive seen this before.

every time i have deja vu i like have a whoel fuckign Moment lmao

i assume people think the worst of me and want to hurt me.

i assume the end of the world is happening out of nowhere and i really think its happening.

i think God is trying to punish me.

I think spirits are coming after me.

I really believe it.

I spend my day crying and panicking and hiding from shit that isnt real.

i convince myself my whole life is some kind of divine punishment.

its on top of that and

its after years of that

and years of seeing family members older than me and farther into it than me degrading at the same time

that i think some dumb shit and immediately catch myself

or that i think im getting psychic messages and can immediately be like ‘ok calm down’

its because im trying to convince myself im NOT like a psychic prophet and ive been able to recognize it before that i can see a message for what it is and recognize what im doing

its bc ive corroborated the expirience with my brother after doing it for years and years already

i didnt wake up one day and start thinking i was a prophet but also recognizing thats crazy yknow

i thought i was a prophet and then as i grew up i started realizing that it was crazy because i found resources and saw what my family was going through and got so sick of the worst parts and thought something had to be wrong with that picture

and even then the messages arent a delusion

having dejavu and being suspicious of it isnt a delusion

wishing something was true isnt a delusion

believing in gods and spirits and weird reincarnation stuff isnt a delusion

they’re parts of a whole and thats only a few of the parts

like an example of levels

really liking a celebrity isnt psychotic

wishing you were married isnt psychoticdaydreaming about being married to them isnt psychotic

imagining they’re talking to you or they’re addressing something in an interview to you isn’t psychotic, in and of itself (imagining the message but also kind of beliving it also isn’t )

actually beliving they’re addressing you in an interview or something isn’t a delusion, and though its like Psychotically-associated isnt An Automatic Sticker Of Psychosis slapped on your forehead

forgetting you aren’t acutally married sometimes isn’t a delusion.actually beliving you’re married to them is a delusion.

you won’t be able to recognize it as that until later.

the other behaviors, for you, since youre having a delusion, will come off of that.

someone non-delusional who really loved to dream about it might convince themselves into some magical thinking about the celebrity.

for you though, its because you’re married. you’re literally actually married so of course they’re leaving little hints for you! you never get to see each other!

you rationalize it.

because you believe it and having someone put a crack in things you believe in is scary for anyone.

i mean especially wow if someone told you were werent actually married to your spouse and didn’t even know them? they didn’t even know youre name or that you existed? that would be horrifying. of course youd come up with rationalizations.

and that delusion probably started because you really liked them and because you were lonely. but also because youve been having some issues and either are psychotic, were developing psychotic symptoms, or like Had The Propensity To Be Psychotic in general yknow like. the seeds were there or you were already living life as a psychotic tree and this was just a new branch.

after a while they might start to get it.

they might start poking holes in there own reasoning and being brave enough to follow that path.

and hopefully from there theyll get to the still-beleving-it-but-also-recognizing-its-’fake’ stage.

there are a lot of reasons i dont want to be psychotic.

no one should want to be.

anyone who says they want to be is either someone who’s a disgusting creep thinking other peoples crisises are some hot edgy mysterious shit OR theyre a psychotic person trying to humor themselves and be okay with themselves.

and you should be ok with yourself but that shouldnt replace wanting to improve and manage that really scary world-ending parts of shit.thats a whole other topic though

like

i dont want to be psychotic because im terrified of slowly loosing my mind. thats a freaky prospect that no one should really want. i only want that when im suicidal and wish i just didnt have a mind to think with at all kind of shit.

i dont want to be psychotic because i dont want to keep having these episodes and seeing this shit and thinking this shit. a lot of it is absolutely terrifying. other things are less active but like...i wish i could trust anyone ever. i wish i could trust my own judgement. i wish i didn’t get obsessive and weird about contamination and not be able to eat food or need to contain myself from freaking out if certain people touch me. that shit isnt cowering from God under a desk but its annoying and i don’t want to be doing it. i wish i could stop doing it.

i don’t want to be psychotic because once youve had it confirmed that you believe things that arent real that makes it just that much harder to trust literally anything you think.i have to check everything with people because what if im wrong or assuming or jsut being crazy or i thought something up that isnt true.and we all seem to have an amazing knack for like doign that whenever we were actually with reality, and forgetting to do it when we do actually have something a little confused lol. maybe thats subconscious.

i dont wanna be psychotic because i want some things to be true!! you know!! and learnign they arent is, again, confusing and really scary. no matter what it is. but if its something that you like or that brings you some kinda positive shit then thats even worse to have taken away and have be a lie. and even worse a Crazy Lie.

i don’t know how much of my religious views to trust and thinking that anything i believe in or think is up for questioning brings up a whole lot of good things that i dont want to be up for questioning.part of the reason im scared to go on meds is because im really worried some good things will turn out fake and go away.

im worried about what all could just like...dissappear. what if the whole world changed. what if im wrong about more than i thought or something that id never even considered.

like.....im out of steam now but.

yeah. idk